Josh Wolf’s “Me Too” Story Is Not What You Think | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Episode Title: Josh Wolf’s “Me Too” Story Is Not What You Think
Date: May 5, 2026
Guests: Lauren Compton (host), Josh Wolf (comedian, writer, actor)
Produced By: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

This episode features comedian Josh Wolf as Lauren Compton’s “first date,” exploring the wild world of dating, red flags, and hilarious life stories. The conversation delves into the quirks of LA and Vegas living, personal #MeToo moments (with a twist), family and marriage anecdotes, friendship dynamics, Josh’s infamous shart-on-a-date story, and deeper reflections on relationships, self-knowledge, and parenting. The episode is marked by both gut-busting laughter and authentic, vulnerable moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Life After LA: Escaping the Rat Race

00:43 – 02:16

• Both Lauren and Josh reflect on leaving LA for less hectic cities (Lauren moving back to Texas, Josh living in Vegas).
• Josh discusses the LA mentality of “lack”:

  “When you're in LA, you think, well, I can't... I have to be here because the carrot is dangled in front of you…It puts you in lack all the time. Because no matter what you have, you're always seeing people with more of what you think you want.” (Josh, 01:44)

• Both agree the pandemic unexpectedly improved their lives, giving perspective and more personal space.
• Lamenting loss of pandemic-era personal space:

  “People kept distance in line. Why do you need to stand in my asshole breathing down my neck?” (Josh, 02:24) “We should keep it mandatory, make it a law.” (Lauren, 02:51)

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2. Josh’s Hilarious “Me Too” Stories

03:06 – 07:45

• Josh shares tongue-in-cheek “Me Too” stories, subverting expectations—one involves a dubious prostate exam after a car accident, another is about inappropriate Pilates instruction.
• Realization these occurrences were odd only came much later:

  “At 27, I got this prostate exam after a car accident…I didn't think about it until people started talking about this stuff. I'm like, oh, that probably wasn't necessary.” (Josh, 04:19)

• Lauren humorously laments not having a #MeToo story:

  "All you guys have these producers that are offering you lead roles…absolutely no one has asked me." (Lauren, 06:02) "I was so unwanted during the MeToo movement." (Lauren, 06:48)

• They riff on reverse #MeToo jealousy—“Why not me?”—with a playful, self-deprecating tone.

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3. Double Standards At Meet-and-Greets & Consent

07:01 – 08:06

• Josh offers perspective on women being “handsy” with male comics at meet and greets.

  “Women just assumed it was okay to take the picture with their hand on my ass or pretend to grab your dick.” (Josh, 07:36)

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4. Dating, Marriage, and Red Flags

08:06 – 14:58

• Josh recounts how he met his wife (through a manager), their Louisiana/New Orleans wedding, her current directing work, and their unique first date.
• Legendary First Date Story: Josh accidentally “sharts” while sneezing at the table.

  “The sneeze came out my butthole... I'm just staring at her with shit in my pants.” (Josh, 09:57) “I had to tell her, 'I shit myself.' And she said, 'I know, that's why I got up and went to the bathroom.'” (Josh, 12:19)

• His wife handles it coolly; this cements for Josh that “she’s the one.”

Memorable Quote:

“She said, 'You can tell me anything.' And I was like, we're about to find out.” (Josh, 12:16)

• Rules about introducing kids to new partners, and mutual respect for boundaries quickly established, further cementing their relationship.
• Hilarious anecdote about his then-girlfriend willingly sleeping in the closet to avoid meeting his children.

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5. Relationship Styles & Their Impact

18:30 – 20:12

• Both reflect on how committed relationships bring stability and better focus in other life areas.

  “Anytime I had a relationship…my life would improve in every aspect.” (Lauren, 19:24) “Once you get to a certain point of a relationship… you can relax.” (Josh, 20:10)

• Discussion on dropping dating ‘performances’ and evolving into authenticity—the “sweatpants phase.”

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6. Friendship Dynamics: One-Sided vs. Real Friends

21:21 – 27:16

• Both talk about friendships where the effort is one-sided.

  “If that person doesn't ask any questions… it will never work. Not even in friendships.” (Lauren, 21:52) “I drew a line between people I know and like and people who I consider friends. Because this is a one-sided transactional relationship.” (Josh, 25:23)

• Josh shares cutting contacts and re-evaluating relationships after being sick for months—true friends reach out personally, not just via social media.

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7. Surviving Illness and CDC Investigation

27:55 – 32:39

• Josh describes being hospitalized for two concurrent bacterial infections—one traced by CDC investigators to possible contact with a goat at a New Mexico farm.
• CDC’s call leads to comic riffs:

  "Have you been in contact with a goat?" (CDC agent/josh, 28:38) “Are you asking me if I fucked Tom Brady?” (Josh, 28:52) “This is a really weird...because I...I had. I had, I had, I had.” (Josh, 28:56)

• Josh educates on zoonotic infections, and the Purell-at-the-petting-zoo phenomenon.

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8. Miniature Animals & Dream Retirement

33:44 – 34:45

• Both express a dream of owning land with mini cows, goats, and donkeys—an aspirational “happy place.”

  “Money no object… I'm getting a little piece of land, mini goats, mini donkeys, a bunch of dogs…” (Josh, 34:05)

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9. Belt Buckle Business & Lessons from Mexico

35:04 – 40:57

• Josh shares his and his wife’s side business making and selling custom belt buckles to fund their wedding.
• They hustle to get into Nordstrom, navigating cultural/lifestyle differences with Mexican artisans.

  "I said, 'you can have more money, dude.' [The artisan]: 'But what do I need more money for? I still have the money.'" (Josh, 38:53)

• Cultural lesson:

  “People in LA either want a bargain or they want to think nobody else can afford it…so you're gonna sell them for 40 or 350, but don't pick the middle.” (Josh, 40:04)

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10. Fashion Flex, Shopping Mindsets

41:19 – 43:19

• Lauren shares her proudest (discounted) fashion possession—a $3200 shoe scored for $800.
• Josh notes male/female difference in spending and “saving” logic.

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11. Gambling, Superstitions, and Vegas Life

44:11 – 47:21

• Josh talks about playing craps (his favorite, for sociability), odd superstitions at the tables, and how his routine fits into Vegas life as a comic.
• Lauren reveals her husband, Mark (owner of Terry Black’s BBQ), is banned from Vegas blackjack tables for card counting.
• Hilarious, sexy story about how Mark proved his card-counting chops in front of Lauren—setting off casino security in under 20 minutes.

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12. Parenting and Legacy

55:56 – 60:19

• Conversation turns philosophical as both discuss what traits they hope their kids inherit—Lauren: humor, strength; hopes son gets husband’s math skills instead of hers.
• Lauren describes her homeschooling/elite gymnast upbringing, the sudden end of that dream after injury, its effects on her sense of self, and how it led her to comedy.

  “Comedy is...that's what making people laugh does. It makes people feel better.” (Josh, 62:24)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On LA’s Status Struggles:

  “It puts you in lack all the time. Because no matter what you have, you’re always seeing people with more of what you think you want.” (Josh, 01:44)

• Josh's #MeToo Medical Moment:

  “At 27, I got this prostate exam after a car accident…I didn't think about it until people started talking about [#MeToo]. I'm like, oh, that probably wasn't necessary.” (Josh, 04:19)

• Lauren’s Reverse #MeToo Lament:

  “All of you guys have these producers…offering you the lifetime security financially, and all you have to do is sleep with them. Absolutely no one has asked me.” (Lauren, 06:20)

• On First Date Disaster:

  “The sneeze came out my butthole...I'm just staring at her with shit in my pants.” (Josh, 09:57)
  “I shit myself. And she said, I know, that's why I got up and went to the bathroom.” (12:16-12:19)

• On Friendship Realizations:

  “I drew a line between people that I know and like and people who I consider friends …This is a one sided transactional relationship.” (Josh, 25:23)

• CDC Goat Call:

  “CDC in Nevada... 'Have you been in contact with a goat?'” (Josh/CDC, 28:38)
  “Are you asking me if I fucked Tom Brady?” (Josh, 28:52)

• Vegas & Gambling:

  “I like craps more than I like blackjack because it's communal. I like people screaming.” (Josh, 44:54)
  [Lauren on husband’s card counting ban]: “And he was like, no, if I sit down at a blackjack table, I will get kicked out.” (50:03)

• Parenting Hopes:

  “I want [my son] to be tough and have a strong personality...What I hope he doesn't get from me is my math skills.” (Lauren, 56:50)

• Comedy as Therapy:

  “Comedy is...making people laugh does. It makes people feel better, you know, especially when whatever is happening in the world, people need comedy.” (Josh, 62:24)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:43 – 02:16: LA living and pandemic aftershocks
• 03:06 – 07:45: Josh’s “Me Too” stories and Lauren’s riff on never being propositioned
• 08:06 – 14:58: Meeting his wife, first date shart story, establishing boundaries
• 18:30 – 20:12: Committed relationships vs. dating around
• 21:21 – 27:16: One-sided friendships and redefining ‘friend’
• 27:55 – 32:39: Surviving a bacterial infection, CDC “goat” call
• 35:04 – 40:57: Belt buckle wedding business, lessons from Mexico
• 41:19 – 43:19: Fashion possessions and spending mindsets
• 44:11 – 47:21: Gambling in Vegas, superstitions, and card counting husband
• 55:56 – 60:19: Parenting aspirations and schooling histories
• 62:24 – end: Comedy as emotional healing, show wrap-up

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Outrageously candid, self-deprecating humor, and raucous storytelling (especially from Josh)
• Warm, supportive rapport between host and guest—quick banter, mutual respect, and shared vulnerability
• Occasional bursts of earnest reflection about relationships, friendship, and life pivots

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For Listeners:

This episode delivers raw, laugh-out-loud comedy interspersed with sincere reflections on the challenges of dating, forging real connections, and what it means to grow up, both in career and as a person. From infamous bodily mishaps to lessons in friendship and family, Josh and Lauren keep things real, raunchy, and relatable.

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Podcast Links: comedianjoshwolf.com for tour dates
Special Note: Josh’s live shows include personal storytelling, Q&A with his son, and music—bringing the same energy and heart as this legendary first date episode.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. What's up, you guys? Welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a very funny actor, writer, and comedian. You can watch his new hour, it's called the Campfire Special. Give it up for Josh Wolfe.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Hey, thank you. Thank you for coming on.

[B]

So nice to be here, finally.

[A]

I know we've been trying to schedule this for, like, a year.

[B]

Yeah, a couple times. Babies and illnesses, but here we are.

[A]

I know. How long are you in town for?

[B]

I'm in town until Monday morning.

[A]

Oh, so you're here for like, a minute?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love coming here. I really do. I love going, like, the food here.

[A]

I like your hat.

[B]

Yeah. This is by far my favorite barbecue in the world. The ribs there. I. I will probably go today. Tomorrow.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Well, hit me up. I'll hook you up.

[B]

I got it.

[A]

You got your hookup?

[B]

I got it, I got it.

[A]

Well, damn, I'm late to the party.

[B]

I got it, I got it. But this is like. Because I live in Vegas and there's tons of good food in Vegas, but the barbecue is not it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is not it. Where are you from, by the way?

[A]

I'm from Dallas, Texas.

[B]

Oh, you are? Born and raised. Always been in Texas?

[A]

No. I moved to LA when I was 18 and I lived there for 16 years, and then I came back here to visit and ended up staying. It was right after the pandemic, and this was way more fun.

[B]

You know what's crazy is that when you're in. In la, you think, well, I can't. I have to be here. I can never leave here. I have to be here because the carrot is dangled in front of you and you're looking around, it puts you in lack all the time. Because no matter what you have, you're always seeing people with more of what you think you want.

[A]

That's such a great way to put it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

100%.

[B]

But then you move out of there and you're like, oh, that's not what I want.

[A]

No, the. When the pandemic happened, I know that was a terrible thing, but my life got great.

[B]

Same. Same I was saying the other night to my wife, I'm like, I kind of miss Covid. Not the everyone being sick part, but, like, do you know what I miss the most? Okay. I miss the distance people kept when you were in line. Why do you need to stand in my asshole breathing down my Neck. What the fuck? Yeah, the three feet should be.

[A]

We should keep it mandatory, keep it, make it a law.

[B]

Not because we're getting sick, but just because you don't have to be in Starbucks that close, I shouldn't be able to hear you breathe.

[A]

Yeah, it's like the human centipede everywhere you go.

[B]

Oh, my God. I was in the airport, we're just boarding a plane and I had to tell this guy. I go, hey, dude, if you're touching my backpack, you're too close to me.

[A]

It's wild that you have to tell someone that.

[B]

What are you trying to do? Yeah, if you want a squeeze, get it over with and let's back the fuck up. I'm not against a squeeze. Like, you know, it's funny, I think, because I have been squeezed inappropriately. Like, when I look back at la, I never thought they were casting couch moments, but I'm like, oh, yeah, I got me too'd a few times. Once by a doctor.

[A]

Oh, so typical.

[B]

Do you know I was so dumb. And it was so. It was before we questioned anybody. I got in a car accident in la. My doctor, my lawyer was like, go to the doctor just to make sure. And so, okay, Lauren, this old dude in the Valley, and I was like, my back does hurt a little bit. So he checked my back and he goes, okay. He goes, I'm going to need to check your prostate. And I was like, what? Yeah, I got a prostate exam because my lawyer went for me to check my back. But I was like, this guy, he's a doctor, he knows. So at like, 27, I got this prostate exam after a car accident. I, I, I didn't think about it until people started talking about this stuff. I'm like, oh, that probably wasn't necessary. There was one. Do you know a woman, a comedian, named Sarah Colonna?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. So Sarah and I worked on Chelsea lately for a while together, and I remember telling her, I was like, I want to get into. I see you doing Pilates. I want to get into Pilates. And she was like, I got a great instructor. And I went to that instructor and she said, I'm too busy, but I have this other person who works at Studio. So I had been doing it for about a month, and I said to Sarah, I go, she goes, how, does, how's Pilates? I go, I love it. I go, what's that stretch where they push your leg back but they kind of cup your balls? And she was like, what? I go, you know, so she can brace her hand she kind of. And I was like. She goes, gosh, that's not a thing.

[A]

That's not a pose.

[B]

I was like, yeah, but she's stretching my. She goes, she can stretch your hamstring without touching your balls. I'm like, I think she's bracing her hand. She was like, she could do it on the table, too. She could put her hand on the table.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I. She said, just, next time in, just. You can gently tell her, don't touch my mom.

[A]

You know, in the MeToo movement, I heard about everyone getting me to Ed, and everyone had a story except for me. And I was so offended. I was like, how come I can't relate to any of this? All of you guys have these producers that are offering you lead roles. They're offering you the lifetime security financially, and all you have to do is sleep with them. Absolutely no one has asked me.

[B]

Yeah, what's wrong with me?

[A]

Why not me? Is my hair not blonde enough? Are my boobs not big enough? Is my smile not white enough?

[B]

Like, you should have started the why not me movement.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, hashtag, hello.

[B]

Hashtag why not me?

[A]

I want to be a lead actor. I'll be a star. Like, I mean, no one's dating me. I'm so single.

[B]

What a. Yeah. Were you. That's why you moved out. I was like, this sucks. Nobody's me.

[A]

No one wants me. I was so unwanted during the MeToo movement. And everyone's complaining, and I'm just like, okay, brag about it. Like, good for you.

[B]

Yeah. I never even thought about it, especially as a dude, I guess Tina Wyatt never really, I think, bothered. I never felt threatened.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I never felt like, if. Like, it was never, like, oh, I'm in trouble. That might be the difference. Why I never, like, in meet and greets. I bet you if you asked guys, I would bet you if you said, do women get handsy in meet and greets? I'm Almost all of them would be like, yeah, yeah. For sure. When I. When. When I did, especially Chelsea, when I was on that, women just assumed it was okay to take the picture with their hand on my ass or, I'm gonna pretend to grab your dick. I'm like, probably not.

[A]

Let's not.

[B]

Let's not do the grabbing of the dick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It was a very. It's not so much anymore because I'm older and they're like, look at the grandpa. You know, we don't want to grab grandpa's weakness. But, yeah, it was a weird time that Is weird.

[A]

So you're married now?

[B]

I am. 22 years.

[A]

22 years. How'd you guys meet?

[B]

Our manager.

[A]

She's an actor.

[B]

She was. She's a writer. Director. She's filming a movie right now in New Orleans.

[A]

What a great place to film.

[B]

It's where we got married. She's from Louisiana. I remember when. She's from a small town called Lake Charles. And when we were getting married, I said, do you want to get married in Lake Charles? And she said, well, okay. I said, let me ask you before, because I'm Jewish. I said, how many Jews in Lake Charles? She was like, I know one. I was like, let's get married in New Orleans. I don't want to bring 50 more, you know, I don't know how that's gonna go. So let's. Let's go. But we get married in New Orleans, and so she's filming there, and we're gonna start spending a lot more time there. But I love New Orleans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Amazing. We. We met. I gotta tell you. Okay. I myself, on our first date, literally, we had met once, and then our first date out. I.

[A]

You weren't used to spicy food.

[B]

I was. The night before, I was still out drinking. That's what I was still drinking at the time. And it was late night drinking and late night eating, and my stomach wasn't feeling great. But I knew I liked her and I didn't want to cancel on her. And we went out to a place in la and I sneezed. I'm a real loud sneezer.

[A]

This is terrible.

[B]

I'm a real loud sneezer. And it was like, oh, I don't want a mouth. I'm a mouth sneezer. Ah. Like, you know.

[A]

Yeah, you're loud.

[B]

Yeah. And so I kind of. And I had never held one in, and the sneeze came out my butthole.

[A]

That's terrible.

[B]

Awful. And I was just staring. So we're this close to each other across a table, and I'm just staring at her with shit in my pants. And I'm just like, oh, no.

[A]

That's exactly how my son looks at me when he poops.

[B]

Yeah, same thing. It doesn't change. Does he laugh at farts too?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I wish you did.

[B]

He will, he will, he will, he will. I think this is a universal. I shit myself. I don't think anybody's like, you know, nobody's smiling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a surprise. Most people aren't doing it on purpose. And I remember she saw the expression change in my face. And she was like, are you okay? And I said, yeah. And she looked at me and she goes, I'm gonna use the restroom. And I was like, okay, here you go.

[A]

I'm giving this to you.

[B]

But I am Ari Shaffir, okay? It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here. Shit's about to go down. Look. And we're here to talk ball. This is a love story. Chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, aids.

[A]

I'm desperate. I'll stab you and your mother. One of the worst things that could happen.

[B]

What's your favorite Bible verse? I'm like, I don't know any. I'm Catholic.

[A]

Did you just shit your pants? It's not my shit. If you're out there, lady, don't call me.

[B]

I'm the bad guy in the story. I know that. I'll be a better person tomorrow.

[A]

At least he's consistent.

[B]

Finally, something we can agree on. Oh, discuss it in heart. Not the evening I planned, but I'm having a blast.

[A]

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[B]

And I'm just sitting there and I'm trying to think strategy. I'm like, should I get up and leave? Right. And just tell the waiter to tell her? Something came up with my kids. I gotta go. But the real thing that stopped me from doing that is that I had shit in my pants. And so that was gonna be clear when I walked out, that there was.

[A]

You needed her to be in front of you or beside you?

[B]

Yes. She comes back and she sits down, and I said to her, I go, hey, I have to tell you something. And she said, this was so funny. She goes, you can tell me anything. And I was like, we're about to find out.

[A]

See how real that is? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. We. This is how we're going. Our relationship is going from 0 to 100 real quick. And I said. I said, I shit myself. And she said, I know, that's why I got up and went to the bathroom. She said, I was expecting you to leave, but here you are, so we're gonna have to figure out an exit strategy. And I was like, oh, I love her.

[A]

You're like, this is the one.

[B]

This is the one. This is the one. It did. I said, when, okay. Because we were in my car. And she was like, I'm gonna. Instead of. Because she did tell me. She goes. I go, how did you know I shit myself? She goes, I'm sitting three feet away from you. You don't think I can smell that? You Shit yourself. And I was like, really? She goes, I bet you other people in this restaurant smell poop.

[A]

Were you at a nice restaurant?

[B]

I forget the name of it. So. You know Sunset Boulevard, where Rock and roll Ralph's is? Ralph's Guitar Center, Denny's.

[A]

That was sort of.

[B]

Yeah, ok. Yeah, there's a restaurant right before east of Ralph's, which is like a little Spanish kind of spot. It wasn't. It's not like a nice. Nice restaurant, you know? And, man, she was so cool about it. She did say, let me get a cab. I'm probably not getting in the car.

[A]

She's like, I'm just gonna be real with you.

[B]

Probably not gonna sit in the closed car with the poop. But she was very cool. I said, hey, I'll call you tomorrow. She goes, give me a few days

[A]

to collect myself, please.

[B]

Yeah, I called her and she was like, yeah, no worries. She said, I've been laughing about it. And she said, you were such a good sport. And I was like, you, too, more than me.

[A]

She handled it incredibly well.

[B]

Incredibly well. Incredibly well. She also was, like, the first person I had dated. I had a very strict rule. No meeting. Because I was a single dad, no meeting my kids for at least six months. It was always so weird to me when I went on a date with somebody and they were like, I can't wait to meet your kids. I was like, that's weird to me. We don't know each other. You think I'm introducing you to my kids?

[A]

Yeah, I'm not.

[B]

There's not going to be a revolving door of my kids meeting women that I'm dating. It always. And so when I told Beth, I was like, hey, you're not. We're gonna wait a little while to meet your kids. To meet my kids. And she was like, yeah, I don't want to meet them either. And I. This is. It was like, check, check. Yeah, all the boxes. She said, why would I meet your kids before I know you?

[A]

And this is the one that you have the. Your third son with.

[B]

We do not have any kids.

[A]

Oh, y' all don't have any children?

[B]

Lauren, she. No, we don't have any kids together. She.

[A]

Together. I mean, you have children, but not together.

[B]

She. Okay, this is. This was the ceiling of the deal where I was like, oh, she's the coolest. Okay. She used to come over. I lived in the Valley before people lived in the Valley. You know, there's a bit of mass exodus. But before, I'm sure when you were 18, if someone was like, hey, let's go to the Valley. You were like, why the would we go to the Valley?

[A]

Yeah, right?

[B]

So she would drive out there to Sherman Oaks from West Hollywood, and we would hang out and have sex and she would drive home. So one night she was like, I'm so tired. And I said, but, you know, like, I can't have you meet the kids in the morning. Do you want me to call you a cab? She goes, no. Then I got a cab back out here to get my. This pre Uber to get my car. She said, I don't want to do that. I said, what do you want to do? And she goes, I'll sleep in the closet. I had this walk in closet. I go, what? She goes, I'll just sleep in the closet. And I said, let me see if I get this right. We're going to have. You're going to come over, we're going to have sex, you're going to sleep in the closet? She said, yeah. And I was like, okay. Yeah, yeah. I was actually right when she said that I'm like, I'm going to have to get a mini fridge for the.

[A]

Yeah, great idea.

[B]

Maybe I'll set up a little air mattress. This works, you know. And so what? The one morning, my daughter walks into the kitchen and my deal with the kids was, I'm gonna make breakfast, I'm gonna make lunch. You gotta get yourself dressed for a couple reasons. I wanted them to find whatever style they wanted to have. But also as a comic, when kids dress themselves, they look so stupid. Do you know they wear like winter jacket and shorts? And like, it's so funny. So it would make me laugh when they would come out. My daughter was probably six at the time. And oh, my God, my daughter's the coolest, funniest. She was like six. She walks into the kitchen, she goes, I can't find my shoes. And I said, I don't know where your shoes are. She said, these shoes, I really want to wear them with this outfit. I said, you gotta look. She said, I looked everywhere. And I said to her, you haven't looked everywhere. Go look everywhere. I didn't think about that because why would she look in my room? Maybe about four minutes later, she walked into the kitchen, deadpan, and she goes, hey, I can't find my shoes. And there's a stranger sleeping in your closet. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, well, Beth, the jig is up. I mean, he might as well come out of the closet now, you know? But, yeah, pretty amazing that time in my life was.

[A]

So maybe subconsciously you wanted the kids to meet her.

[B]

I did. I think I did. Because I knew probably, I think fifth date, I called my parents. I said, I won't marry her. I said, I'm for sure gonna marry her. And they were like, pump your brakes. And I said, I've never felt like this before. I've dated a lot of people for. And I was kind of a serial dater. I would date for a long time, but I was just like, this is so different. And we. I mean that since that first date, the poop of the pants. We. We were together since that time. Just never stopped.

[A]

When you say you were a serial dater, would you. You just would. You would continuously date?

[B]

I. I dated for long, like one person for long periods of time. And then I would. When we. When that relationship would end, I would have a lot sex with a lot of different people. But once I started dating somebody, that was it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just dated them. And I kind of. I kind of like it more. It's so much so eat. So much easier than the. I don't know how dudes do that. They like, it's so. Or anybody. It's a lot to juggle. And it feels like a lot of lies to hold together.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you know, it feels like you. It's so much brain power to be like, wait, what did I tell that person? You know? And so I definitely did have fun in between, but I just never, like. I never liked it as much.

[A]

I have found that anytime I had a relationship that I was in that was going well and I was committed to that relationship, my life would improve in every aspect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, my work got better. My, like everything. I just. I had like, a better sense of focus. I had more confidence. I didn't have to think about a relationship. I didn't have to focus on dating. Like, I was just happy there. And then I could focus on everything else that I wanted to do.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like that actually is probably true for me too. It is. It's just like, okay, this is the person. I know what to expect. I like this person. And then once you get into a certain point of a relationship. I don't know if this is the right word, but you can relax.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, you don't have to worry about. There's so much that goes into dating and you just can just eliminate all of that. And dating is really fun if you're having fun. But sometimes dating isn't fun when you're really looking for someone to, like, build a relationship with. Oh, my gosh. That feels like trying to find a new career. Like, it's just so taxing.

[B]

Yeah. I also think, like, at some point when you're with somebody, you actually become yourself, which is more relaxing than trying to. To pretend or trying to make yourself seem like you really want to date me. This is really. You're gonna miss out.

[A]

Yeah. It's like a production that you can tell kinda when someone's putting it on.

[B]

Yeah. That first day where you're like, I'm wearing sweatpants. You know what I'm doing when we're going to lunch, I'm wearing sweatpants. I feel pretty happy about this part.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. The sweatpants phase is like, when you're like, this is me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you think about these Nike techs?

[A]

Was there ever, like, a big red flag that you would go on a date and you'd be like, ooh, this is never gonna work.

[B]

Yeah. A conversation. I like having conversations, and I like learning about other people. I don't need to talk about myself all the time. But if I went on a date and that person never asked me a

[A]

question, I was out, dude.

[B]

Out, out. I'm like, this is not for me.

[A]

I talk about this all the time with my husband. When we go out, even as a couple, and we have. We go out with friends and stuff, or like, say I make a new friend and I'm like, hey, I want you to come to dinner with us, or whatever. If that person doesn't ask any questions and we spend all of our time trying to get to know someone, it will never work.

[B]

No.

[A]

Not even in friendships like it. I had a best friend, and we were best friends for years. And one day I realized she never asked about me. She never, like, initiated hanging out. And I just realized I was the one that did 100% of the work. But I really enjoyed being around her. We would laugh, we would hang. Like, I mean, she was my best friend. But I had this terrible realization that I was doing so much work, all of the work. And I thought, what if one day I didn't call her? How long would it take for her to call me? And I'm not kidding. I have talked to her one time in the last two years.

[B]

That is bananas. And does she. In that one time, did she ask why?

[A]

You know, she still never asked about me. It wasn't about me. She had texted me like, a pin off of Pinterest. And it was just something she thought that I would like to look at on Pinterest. And it was like a, like maybe this one wasn't a year later. This must have been like three or four months after not talking. And her birthday was coming up and I said, by the way, happy early birthday. And she was like, thank you, we should go do something soon. And I said, that sounds fun. I can't have, I can't party too hard though, I'm pregnant. And she like thumbs up the message and said, congrats,

[B]

that's it.

[A]

And this was my best friend of like, she even moved to Austin from LA so that we could hang out and like be closer together. And that was all she said to me.

[B]

Nothing since the birth.

[A]

My birthday came like five months after hers. And she said, happy birthday. And I said, thank you, by the way, I'm having a boy. And I sent her a picture of the sonogram and she said figures.

[B]

And nothing since the birth.

[A]

And nothing since then. Nothing since the birth. Nothing.

[B]

How long had you been friends?

[A]

Like eight years.

[B]

That is crazy.

[A]

Yeah. And it all started because I had this realization that I wonder how long it would take her to call me.

[B]

Yeah. Do you ever go through your phone and are like, yeah, I don't need this number anymore. This person never reaches out to me. I'm always reaching out. Or this is not. Do you ever do that? Do you ever take numbers out of the phone?

[A]

No, just. Cause I literally don't have time. But I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you?

[B]

Oh yeah. I made a concerted effort over the last two years. Exactly. Like I went through my text messages and I'm like, this is me reaching out always. And I drew a line between people that I know and like and people who I consider friends. I used to just group them all in the category of friends. And I was like, that's doing a disservice to my actual friends who reach out to me and ask me questions. This is a one sided transactional relationship. This is somebody I know and like. But I, I don't consider those people friends anymore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I know my friends.

[A]

It's weird having realizations like that I

[B]

got really sick at the end of last year and I was like for probably almost two months. And I was like, that mate was a huge thing for me. I'm like, none of these people reached out and said anything. And if you're following social media, you over over two months you might see one post where like, yeah, still sick. Yeah, you know, but nothing. And I don't consider, by the way, if you're my friend. A comment on my Instagram post.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

As a matter of fact, when I see, like, marriage, birth, illness, death, if I comment on you, if I don't

[A]

text you, you're not friends.

[B]

I'm not. The comment on the social media, you know, prayers up or whatever. That's for public consumption. That doesn't mean anything to me.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

It's just as much time for you to text me personally or call me. I'm an old dude, so call me and be like, hey, you okay? You know?

[A]

Yeah. I think a prompt on Instagram should lead to a text. Like, you can see something and be like, oh, hey, I saw you were sick. Are you okay?

[B]

Yeah, my. One of my good friends. This is how you can tell they're friends because of the way we talk to each other. He was like, hey, man, I saw that post on a picture. I had lost 30 pounds off of this frame, which is not. Not great. And he goes, he knows I'm Jewish. And he goes, hey, dude. Looking kind of Auschwitz. Are you okay? And I was like, yeah, man, I'm all right. Thanks for the concern.

[A]

What happened? Why were you so sick?

[B]

I had two bacterial gut infections at the same time. I lost £15 in seven days.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

It was a mass exodus from my body. It was like the worst thing I've ever. I was in the hospital for six days on the infectious disease floor. It was really.

[A]

That sounds terrible. How did you get that?

[B]

Okay, so the CDC called me.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And they were like, yeah, that's not a phone call.

[A]

It's terrible.

[B]

There are a couple places you never want to call. You, right? FBI, CIA, cdc. Any of the acronyms. You're like, I'm out on an acronym phone call. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they called me, and she. The woman on the phone said, CDC in Nevada. We got alerted to this bacteria. Can I ask you a very serious question? Because we need to know where this came from. Because if it's in Nevada or in a restaurant, we need to close some places down. And she said, I'm going to ask you one question. I need a real answer. I said, okay. And she said, have you been in contact with a goat? And I was like, are you. Are you asking me if I fucked Tom Brady? Because, I mean, I would. You know, I'm. That's one dude that. I'm. I'm not gay, but I had one time for the story. But they were really like, we need to know if you've had any contact with a goat. And I was like, this is a really weird. Because I. I had. Yeah, I had, I had, I had. But I hadn't thought I had been in New Mexico. There was this cool hotel right in New Mexico.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

There was this cool hotel in New Mexico where you could get on a bike and ride a half mile behind the resort. And there was like a. A farm.

[A]

You touched a goat?

[B]

I touched a goat.

[A]

Did you tell them you touched a goat?

[B]

I did.

[A]

And what did she say?

[B]

She said that as long as you didn't touch the goat in Nevada.

[A]

Was the goat in. Oh, no, it was in New Mexico.

[B]

Yeah, but, yeah, if having somebody call you and ask you if you've touched a goat is like, been in contact

[A]

with it, that's like some psychic ability. Like, I'd be like, ooh, what else do you know about me?

[B]

What else do you think I've been touching?

[A]

So you touched. How did you touch this goat?

[B]

Here's the deal. I guess goats have some. Some do. Not all, but, like, that's why they have the Purell at the petting zoo. But this was a farm, so I. They didn't have Purell. And I was. I'd just been petting a goat and then horses and donkeys and all this. And I guess I went to my face on the bike ride back or something before I washed my hands.

[A]

So goats carry.

[B]

They can not all.

[A]

Oh, my God, this bacteria.

[B]

So I also had this thing called C Diff, which. And I guess the combination. Because the bacteria from the goat. Normally my body would fight, but it was already fighting this other thing. It was pretty bad.

[A]

How'd you get the other thing?

[B]

Not sure exactly, because you're only supposed to. Most people who get it are like over 70. So it was so crazy because, you know, my son opens up for me and when I got it, we were on the road and I just thought, oh, I must have Noro or some. One of those viruses that. Right. But I had to run off stage to poop. And he would run on stage while I was pooping.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

I was like, hey, stand by the stage.

[A]

Tag teaming.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, stand by the stage. And so I would run off stage and the audience was like, what's happening? So finally I had to tell him, hey, I'm. I'm just a lot. Whoa. And I need you guys just to be patient with me. It was a. But. But I gotta tell you, there's no. I wouldn't have done it with any other Opener. But with my son. Yeah, you know, just like, hey, dude, you know how it is.

[A]

You know, There's a goat that I love in the Cotswolds. In the what in England? In the Cotswolds, over by Oxford, there's a place called Soho Farmhouse. And at this farm, they have all kinds of animals on this farm. And it's a big hotel, and they have restaurants, and they have goats, and they have pigs, and they have chickens and horses. And this whole thing, it's one of the coolest places to go vacation. And so I've been twice. And there's this goat there. And I have video of this goat. And I have so many pictures of this goat. And even Lady Gaga took a picture kissing her husband with the goat in the background. Yeah, this goat is everywhere. This is better.

[B]

All that shit up, man. Yeah, you better.

[A]

And when we go to Soho Farmhouse, we went back the second. So the first time that we went, Mark really got attached to this goat. And, like, this goat would. Was standing by the fence, and he grabbed it by the horns and kind of, like, shook it and, you know, and. And the goat was like, oh, my gosh. Someone. Someone, like, playing with me. And so he grabbed the horns and he'd shake it like that. And then. And then as we would walk by every day or, like, ride by on our bikes, we would stop off, and if the goat was all the way across the pasture and Mark would whistle, the goat would come running and he would play with the horns and shake it and, like, play with it for, like, five minutes. And then the goat and him would, like, go on their merry way. We went back, like, a year later, and he goes up and he whistles to this goat. And this goat lights up. Yeah. It runs to Mark, and they're like soulmates.

[B]

That's amazing. So are you gonna get a goat?

[A]

No, we're not gonna get a goat. We don't wanna watch the pygmy goats. And they wear pajamas. I know. I went down a goat hole.

[B]

The goat hole.

[A]

I went down a goat hole.

[B]

Okay. If you were gonna have a mini animal. So goat is up there for me. But the mini cows, those are cute. Holy shit. Those mini. And the mini. These. Those two are my absolute. But I have a mini cow. I would honestly, I'm not gonna lie to you if you said to me, money no object. What's the next move? I was like, I'm getting a little piece of land. I'm getting some mini goats, some mini donkeys. I'm gonna get A bunch of dogs. And I'm just gonna. About. That would be it. I'm. I. I feel okay. I feel like every. I feel very good about what I've done in my career.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not. I wouldn't look back and have any regrets or any. But this would. That would be like.

[A]

Do you think you'll live in Vegas forever?

[B]

Hmm. We have, like, five acres in Joshua Tree, and I think eventually we will want to live half in Europe and half in Joshua Tree.

[A]

Where in Europe?

[B]

I want Spain. My wife likes Italy.

[A]

Where in Spain?

[B]

I haven't seen enough of it to

[A]

pick, but I suggest Madrid.

[B]

Love the culture. Do you?

[A]

Yeah. If you pick Spain, I think Madrid has better food, way better food than Barcelona, the food in Spain.

[B]

So I know this might be controversial, but if you're asking me to pick this food in Spain or the food in Italy, I'm picking the food in Spain. I like it so, so much. It's just. And I kind of speak. I don't really. My wife likes to tease me that I say that I speak Spanish. But, I mean, we. Okay, I had to learn Spanish because we had this. When we were getting married, we had this business. We had no money, and my wife is a genius creatively, like, next level. And. And so we. We built this business in Mexico where we would go down to Mexico. We've. My buddy had come back from Mexico with a belt buckle, right? And my wife was like, that's a. I love that belt buckle. Where'd you get it? And he said, mexico. And she said, that's our next business that's going to pay for our wedding. So we went down to Mexico. We found somebody. We brought his belt buckle. We were like. She had redesigned it. She was like, who can do this? But this and this and this? And they pointed us in the right direction. Then we found somebody to make us belts. You know, they make the belts at all those little open markets down there. And we ended up making these belts and buckles in Mexico for. I think I would go down. I think between the belt and the buckle, the total was $12. And we sold them. What's the name of that place that was there on Melrose next to the Improv? Fred Siegel. Places like Fred Siegel sold them for $350. So we. I would come up. I would say, these are handmade from Mexico. The handmade belt. None of this is a lie. Handmade buckle. I remember I drove around the Lauren, okay, we were $10,000 short for our wedding. We'd sold A bunch of belts and buckles. They were in a bunch of stores in LA, but we were $10,000 short. I needed a big order, so I didn't have money for a plane. I drove to San Francisco. I said, I need to get these belt buckles in Nordstrom. That's the way to do it. And I saw that the number one, you know, they number the stores. Store number one was in Nordstrom. So I was like, well, that must be where the buyer is. I drove to San Francisco, I drove to the men's. I walked to the men's department, and I pitched this woman. I was like, hey, here's a deal. I need. I'm getting married. We're $10,000 short. These belts and buckles are in all these stores in la. And she said, I'm not the buyer. The buyer for Nordstrom is out of Seattle. And I was like, I need this. I need this money by this date. This is my last shot. She said, I'm gonna put us on the phone. This was 2003, so this is. We're not FaceTiming or anything like that. And I told the woman about the belts and buckles. I described them to her, and she said, overnight it to me. I'm going to. I think the name of the convention is Magic. It's like a big fashion. She said, I'm going to it in London, but I can look at. If you've overnight it to me, I can look at it and. Let's take a look. So I overnighted it to her, and they ordered $15,000 worth of belt.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

It was so amazing. But what would happen was the reason that went out of business and I had to learn Spanish to speak to these. The people who were making my belts and buckles. The guy who made the belts, he was trying to learn English. I was trying to learn Spanish, and his wife. I would come down and his wife would make us lunch, and he would talk to me in English, and I would talk to him in Spanish, and we would talk about belts and buckles, and we would correct each other's language. But. But it worked out so well. But the problem was the people who were making the buckles. The first person who made the buckles, I went down to see him. I go, hey, dude, I need this many more. And he goes, oh, I don't need the money. And I was like, what do you mean? He said, I still have money from the buckles that you bought before. I said, yeah, but now you can have more money. He goes, yeah, but what do I need more money for? I still have the money. And he was just enjoying his life. I was like, what a different mentality.

[A]

Well, he's not Jewish.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I was like, you can have more money, dude. More money. You know what I mean? What are you doing? So we had to find a bunch of different people to buy the. Make the buckles. And eventually we had too many people making buckles, so they started selling them in the markets in Tijuana. And somebody from Fred Siegel was in Tijuana and said, hey, I found your buckle for $20. Why are you selling it to me for 150? And I was like, huh? Why are you buying it for 100? Yeah. So that was the end of the business. But it was. That's why I learned Spanish, and that's why I want to go to Spanish.

[A]

And that's how you got married?

[B]

It really is.

[A]

It served its purpose.

[B]

It's crazy how that works, right? As soon as the purpose was, I. Like, almost immediately after Nordstrom ordered, I got a call from Fred Siegel, and they were like, hey, we're not buying these fucking $20 buckles anymore, you dick. But you know what's funny? When. When I first. When we first. This will tell you about la. When we first made the belts and buckles, I said to a friend of mine in the fashion industry, I go, I'm making them for 20. I'd like to sell them for 75. He said, you're gonna sell zero of those for $75. People in LA either want a bargain or they want to think nobody else can afford it. But they don't want the middle. So you're gonna sell them for 40 or 350, but don't pick the middle. And I picked the 350, and they sold like crazy.

[A]

That's so wild. But I'm not surprised because that is actually a very accurate mentality.

[B]

Don't you think so?

[A]

Yeah. Even in fashion, like, I think more expensive things like handbags and stuff like that, they're sought after because they're like prized possessions, you know, and you have to really work to have something. And so it's kind of like this, like, accomplishment, and you want to have something to show off for your money.

[B]

What's your most prized fashion possession?

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

You know, besides that ring. Holy. Okay.

[A]

He did pretty good.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just need sunglasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know, I have. My most prized possessions when it comes to fashion are deals that I get.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Like, I. I have a. I Have a pair of shoes that are this brand called Gianvito Rossi, and the style of shoe is called Rania, and they are embellished in swarovski crystals. And they are just these. They look like Cinderella shoes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they're black and nude, and they go with everything. And if you buy them off of the Gianvito Rossi website, they're like $3200. I got them on. I can't remember if it was Poshmark or ebay for, like, 800.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

So even though I spent 800, this is not my first time spending 800 on a pair of shoes, but the fact that I got these shoes that were brand new, never been worn, there was only one pair in my size online for 800 bucks. I was like, holy. I'm getting, like, thousands of dollars off here. And so I bought them, and I would say that, like, that, to me, is one of my prized fashion possessions, because they're just. They're beautiful, and they're so expensive, and I got them at a huge discount, brand new.

[B]

You know, it's such a different mentality for men and women, because my wife would say the same thing. I'm like, and my. All I hear is, you spent $800 on a pair of shoes. But yeah. She's like, but I saved. I'm like, but you would have saved 800 more.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you hadn't bought the shoes. But that's not the. It's so funny to me. She'll. She'll say to me, she'll come home with clothes, and she's like, I saved so much money.

[A]

I'm like, that doesn't look like you saving money.

[B]

Yeah, looks like. She's like. When she goes on the real real. She's like, I love.

[A]

I love the real world.

[B]

She's like, I go on the real rail.

[A]

I check it every morning, and I.

[B]

She does, too. She does, too. She does too.

[A]

But that's because my prized fashion possessions are deals.

[B]

Yes. I guess. I mean, here's how I would equate that mentality. For me, I live in Vegas, so if I go to gamble and I bring $500 with me and I lose the $500, but I don't spend any more. I feel like I didn't lose any money because I was. I. I only brought 500, and I didn't spend any more. Do you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was willing to lose the 500. I lost it. So I didn't really lose anything because

[A]

it's Just a mentality.

[B]

Because it's like, if I had taken out more money, I would have lost money.

[A]

Do you gamble a lot in Vegas?

[B]

I guess you'd have to define a lot.

[A]

I mean, do you. How often do you go to the casino?

[B]

Well, I have a residency there, so I'm downtown. I do most of my gambling honestly with my son at the airport. We love to sit and play slots because we can just sit and have fun, and it's no pressure. I have done more gambling since my wife's been filming the movie. When I'm home and she's home, I don't go out because I travel so much and she works, so we don't fuck. I don't fuck around like that. That.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But when she's out of town, I do like a little craps. I like craps more than I like blackjack because it's communal. I like the fun. I like people screaming. Do you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I also am very superstitious. This is gonna sound terrible. I'm very superstitious when I gamble, and I don't. I think old Asian dudes are bad luck. I just do. And they're at the blackjack table. So I'm like, do it, man. Just gonna chain smoke 90 cigarettes. I can't. It's just bad. I need good energy. It's just bad mojo. I don't know what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my wife's like, no, you shouldn't say that stuff. I'm like, I. I. No, I just. It's my own personal.

[A]

Yeah, that's your prerogative. That's what you.

[B]

But I do love a fun, hot craps table. People screaming, high five in. Yeah, but that's kind of my vibe. I like.

[A]

I feel you, dude.

[B]

I like the group. I like all of us having fun together. Like, that's why I never liked any sports, like golf or tennis. I won't be on the team.

[A]

I like playing poker.

[B]

Do you?

[A]

I do. I like playing Texas hold'.

[B]

Em. It's so long.

[A]

It is so long, but I don't care.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

My mark likes to play blackjack, but he's banned from most casinos for playing blackjack.

[B]

Good.

[A]

He counts cards.

[B]

Is his brain work like that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What does he do, Can I ask?

[A]

He owns Terry Blacks.

[B]

I did not know that. I did not know that. When you were like, I have a hookup. I'm like, yeah, I know a guy who works there. You're like, okay, I know a guy who pays him. I know the guy.

[A]

I Know his boss.

[B]

Yeah. I know the guy who pay. You know. Yeah. I did not know that.

[A]

Yeah. My son is Jackson Black.

[B]

Okay. By the way. Jack Black.

[A]

Jack.

[B]

Oh, Jack. Oh, Jack. Okay. Got it. Oh, my. Okay. Oh.

[A]

Are you gonna talk about Jack Black?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No, no. I. So this barbecue, and I did not know that I wear this hat everywhere. I wear it in Australia when I go, do you know this hat? Out of all the hats I wear, and I wear a ton of hats. This hat gets the most comments out of any hat that I wear.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Your husband or somebody who works for him sends me. Sends me ribs.

[A]

Celebrity packages.

[B]

Yeah. Sends me ribs that are like, I can't. It's the most excited I get from anywhere that any place. Anyone who sends me anything, my wife will be like, hey, you're Terry Black's package. You got here. I'm like, fuck, yeah, let's go. I had no idea. Yeah. I didn't wear this because we have

[A]

traveled all over the world and we have seen people wearing that hat everywhere. We were in Morocco, and there was a guy walking down the street wearing a Terry Blacks hat, and he goes, oh, my God, I can't believe it. My hat's in Morocco. And I go, where? And he goes, look to your left. And I look to my left, and there's this couple walking, and the guy was wearing it, and Mark stopped and was like, hey, dude, I just got to tell you, fucking love your hat, man. I. That's my restaurant, so it's really good to see the hat. And he goes, I'm from London, and every time that I go to Texas, I eat Terry Black's barbecue. And Mark was just like, it's crazy how worldwide it is.

[B]

For real, because it's so good. If you. On my social media, I would bet 8 out of 10 posts somewhere in this hat.

[A]

It's cool.

[B]

It. It. I. You know, we all travel so much, and I was in Kansas City not too long ago, and they were like, you got to try this barbecue. I'm like, no, I don't. No, I don't. You're going to just drip it in sauce. And I always say, Terry Blacks is great because that beef rib is just rub. Because they don't have to hide that it's bad meat.

[A]

Oh, yeah, no, it's prime.

[B]

It's just good.

[A]

But Mark also loves you. This morning, he was asking me, he's like, who's on your podcast today? And I was like, josh Wolfe. And he goes, oh, no shit, man. He loves Terry Blacks.

[B]

Yeah. I do.

[A]

And I go, yeah. I go, that's who's coming on. He goes, tell him to go buy the restaurant. And I was like, I have a feeling he's either already been or he's going after the show. But I'll let him know I'm going

[B]

on Saturday with my family.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, well, I know you got a hookup, but so funny. Were you like, I know somebody. I'm like, don't worry about it. I got it covered. You're like, okay, but I actually know somebody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, yeah, but I know a guy on social media who reaches out to me.

[A]

That's Marcus.

[B]

I feel so stupid, so funny. I did not know that. And so his brain works in the way of counting cards.

[A]

Yeah. I didn't believe it when I first met him. I was like, ah, this is just some story that he's trying to tell me to seem cool. That he's, like, banned from casinos for counting cards. I mean, that's such a hard, impossible thing to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he was like, no, if I sit down at a blackjack table, I will get kicked out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, well, let's test it. Let's go see. And so we did. And we went and we sat down. I don't even think it was that high of a stakes table, but we sat down and we were there for probably 20 minutes. And he was playing, and he wasn't. He wasn't doing anything wrong. He wasn't counting. He wasn't trying to, like, win. He was just playing blackjack. And two security guards in suits came up behind him and very calmly said, sir, we're gonna need you to get up from the blackjack table right now.

[B]

It's facial recognition.

[A]

And he got up, and I was like, oh, my God, that's so cool.

[B]

And did he have a big pile in front of him? Ah, it's hilarious. You were like, we are fucking right now.

[A]

I was like, this is the hottest thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

[B]

Am I in Ocean's Eleven right now?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Is Brad Pitt coming back?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I was like, I'm gonna have your children.

[B]

Does your husband eat shrimp in every scene?

[A]

Yeah, I was. It was such a moment. And so he got up and he goes, okay, no problem. And so was he winning at the time? No, he wasn't. He was just. Honestly, I don't remember.

[B]

Yeah, this is pre marriage.

[A]

Yeah. This was just. Just so he could show me that he. That he was serious.

[B]

Was it In Vegas.

[A]

It was in Vegas, and it was at a huge casino. I don't remember which one it was. I'm telling you, it was. It was really just, hey, let's just go sit down at this blackjack table. He was like, I can't play here. I'm banned here.

[B]

That is crazy.

[A]

And I was like, I wanna see what happens. And so 20 minutes later, he was asked to get up, and he had to leave all of his chips or they took him or something. I don't remember. But he got us. He got told he had to get up. He didn't have to leave the casino. He didn't have to stop gambling in general. He just was not allowed to sit down at a blackjack table of any kind.

[B]

Have you ever asked him how he does it? Does he have, like, a. Like, what kind of brain?

[A]

He read books. He said he read books on how to do it. And him and his brother would go to Vegas every weekend and do it, make a ton of money, and go home, and they would go, excuse me.

[B]

Good one.

[A]

Thanks. I've never burped on this show.

[B]

I feel honored.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That is amazing.

[A]

I would normally say, cut that out, but it was so natural.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

I'm getting way too comfortable. He read books. He would go with his twin brother, and they would count cards together. Make a lot of money.

[B]

What's a lot of money?

[A]

I think he told me, like, one month. He's going to be so mad if I mess this up. But I think, like, one month, they made, like, a hundred grand. And that's a lot of money.

[B]

Yeah, you don't have to tell me that.

[A]

And that was pre Terry Blacks.

[B]

Is Terry Blacks built on blackjack money? Because if it is, I like it even more. They're just Terry blackjacks. That is amazing.

[A]

I don't know if it is, and if it was, I'd never say that.

[B]

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And does He Does. So it's not like he's like Rain Man. His brain doesn't work that way in other areas.

[A]

He is incredibly smart when it comes to math. I mean, like, the math that he can do in his head is out of this world. I have trouble multiplying eight times eight.

[B]

Well, we have a phone.

[A]

I'm on my phone. I'm like, that's the most embarrassing thing you can find on my phone is what's, like, the latest calculation in my. My calculator. Like, that's. That is more embarrassing than finding anything in my photo album.

[B]

What about the Google Search.

[A]

No, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Google search is like, nothing right now. Google. If you went on my Google search right now, you'd find three pages. One is like, how to make a torta della nona because I have to cook one on Sunday. One is like some other random thing. Oh, I just bought my son some sandals. Then I was like, I hope these don't look too fucking girly. And then like, the third page that's open is something else that's, like, dumb. So my Google search is clean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My calculator.

[B]

That's not great.

[A]

That he would be so. He would probably wonder.

[B]

He'd be like that out of the podcast.

[A]

Like, keep the really bad.

[B]

The calculator.

[A]

No, but he. He is. There is some other shit going on in his head.

[B]

Yeah. And how old is your.

[A]

He's 6.

[B]

Him, your son?

[A]

My son is 13 months.

[B]

13 months. So probably haven't seen any to see whose brain your son got yet.

[A]

Oh, unfortunately, he looks so much like Mark Carbon copy, which means he's probably got my brain. Poor kid. I'm like, oh, no. Oh, no.

[B]

He's gonna know how to find a deal.

[A]

But I'm like, I hope you're funny. I hope you're funny and I hope that you are charming and that you can wiggle your way into anything because you. He. I've never seen anything. Look, it looks just like Mark. Like, spit an image out of himself. It's like Mark pre stress. Like pre wrinkles with all the collagen in his face, his little tiny baby. It looks just like Mark.

[B]

I'm sure he'd be happy to hear that description of himself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pre age.

[A]

Pre age.

[B]

Pre. He lost an inch and a half

[A]

back when he was fit and thin and had a little six pack, you know,

[B]

back when he looked like a. You know.

[A]

But I think the contents on the inside of little Mark.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are probably me.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

So he's fucked up.

[B]

I mean, the brain has brought you here.

[A]

Amongst other things.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny to see as they grow, what they get from you. And like, you're like, oh, I'm so sorry about that one.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

my bad. So sorry about that one. You know, I want to ask you a question that I ask a lot of parents because I'm always curious, what do you hope your kid gets from you? And what do you hope your kid doesn't get from you?

[A]

I would say that I really do hope he gets my sense of humor and can take things, like, lightly with a grain of salt and Learns to not be a super sensitive little boy. I want him to be tough and have a strong personality. I feel like I'm pretty tough and I have a strong personality. So I'd say that when you say

[B]

strong personality, does that encompass, like, confidence?

[A]

Yeah. And I'd probably say I'm like, an alpha. Like, I like to control a room. I feel like when I walk in, I have a presence, and I can feel that. So I just. I hope that he gets something like that that exudes confidence, for sure. And then what I hope he doesn't get from me is my math skills. I hope he gets his dad's math skills because mine are seriously so weak and sad. But my. My schooling was weak and sad. Like, I wasn't the.

[B]

Where did you go to school?

[A]

I was homeschooled for most of my life.

[B]

I mean, what did that. I've never asked somebody, like, what is that? Through high school, you were homeschooled?

[A]

I went to private school when I was 16, so, like, I guess my freshman year. But I was an elite gymnast and my whole life growing up since I was 9 years old. So I would train from 6:30 in the morning until noon. And then I would have, like, a hour lunch break from 12 to 1, and then from like, either 1 to 4 or 1 to 5, we would have school, and it would be in the gym upstairs.

[B]

Who taught you?

[A]

It was a relative of the coach, and she had a PhD in English and her name was Dr. Mack. And she would teach us all the subjects. And we were all around the same age, and there was only six girls. So all six of us would just sit in this room upstairs. And it was a classroom, and we would do all of our science and all of our math and all of our studies all together. And we had different ages. So, like, she would teach the ages accordingly. But it was all in a room. And then about a year later, we got a specific math teacher, and they built on a second room. And so we would trade off and on. And, like, half the class would go to math, and half the class would come to all the other studies.

[B]

I guess homeschooling probably varies wildly.

[A]

Yeah, that was homeschooling for us. That's what we did.

[B]

Like, it's not. It'd be. It's one thing, like, if just like, some mom who's, like, not trained or not, or dad or whoever's staying at home who's, like, just some person who doesn't want to send their kid to public school but isn't trained to be a teacher.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is one thing, but if you're getting homeschooled by, like, I guess it must vary wildly also on what the person who's teaching thinks is important for the kid to learn.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And we would have field trips all the time to art. We would go to, like, museums, which is cool. We would go to nature places. So we were outdoors a lot, exploring, like, flowers and plants. And we learned how to take, like, old school photographs when I was just, like, 9 years old, and how to go in a dark room with red light and how to develop the. So I had a lot of worldly experiences that impacted me a lot more than whatever she was teaching in the classroom.

[B]

So what was it like then? At 16, you went to, like, a private school?

[A]

Yeah. I broke my leg three times. And so I was pulled out of gymnastics. My. My parents were like. I had three ACL repairs.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

And so it was the end of the road for me. Same knee is pretty terrible. I have scar. I have crazy long scars all over my leg. And so that was the end of gymnastics. And they said that I could still go to the school, but that really fucks you up as kid, like, not being able to engage in the sport that you love and you can. And then they're all talking about their. Like, it just didn't work out.

[B]

How did that, by the way? Because your trajectory is. All you've known is gymnastics, Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How did that fuck you up to be like, who am I now?

[A]

Yeah. I went through a pretty severe depression.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just because I was. I didn't. I was on such a different page than everybody else. Like, I had this sport that was gonna take me to college and pay for my scholarship. But everything works out in the end because I would've become a chiropractor, and I really don't know math. And I probably would have broken someone's neck. The only thing that really excited me about it was to have a little dog named Bones, A little white dog named Bones.

[B]

You had that planned out?

[A]

I had it. I had it mapped out. I had my whole future mapped out. I was like, I'm gonna go to ucla. I'm gonna have a full ride. I'm going to become a chiropractor, have a little white dog named Bones.

[B]

Why chiropractor?

[A]

Because in gymnastics, we cracked each other's backs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And one of the girls had a chiropractor for a. For a mom and a dad. They're both chiropractors. And they would come in and Give us adjustments. And I just thought that was so cool. And it felt so good after, like, whenever they would do that and I was like, man, I want to do this. I want to make other people feel this good if they're in pain or if they're working out or whatever. And so I just wanted to do that when I was younger because that's what I thought was cool.

[B]

P.S. is kind of what you ended up doing in a different way. Comedy is. That's what making people laugh does. Yeah, it is what making people laugh.

[A]

Yeah, that is true.

[B]

It makes people feel better, you know, especially when whatever is happening in the world, people need comedy. It is what you ended up doing. You're not cracking back.

[A]

Yeah, but.

[B]

But you did end up making people feel better.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is kind of awesome. And when you went to private school after you'd been in homeschool, was that a huge, like, adjustment for you to be around and be in classrooms and be in all that stuff?

[A]

Yeah, I would say so. It. You know when something is so traumatizing, you black it out. Yeah, a lot of it is blacked out for me my whole high school. I remember bits and pieces of it, but I remember feeling so out of place and uncomfortable in situations. And, like, I had never kissed a boy. And I remember that, like, I was a cheerleader at this private school and the girls all, like, made fun of me for never have had kissing a boy and all this stuff. And so there was just like. It was very fast paced. All of a sudden, I was being thrown into situations that I was just

[B]

like, and you're also the new girl and you're pretty, so you must have been getting a lot of attention.

[A]

It was. It was Ugly Betty back then.

[B]

Was it an awkward stage?

[A]

It was Ugly Betty, yeah. I was not the person I am today, Josh. I was a very different person, and I was not me. I didn't have the personality shining through that I do today. Like, I don't. I didn't know myself.

[B]

Where'd that come from?

[A]

The personality hardships in la.

[B]

Yeah. That'll bring it out of you for sure. For sure.

[A]

I'm running out of time on this podcast. This has been so fun. I could talk to you. You have to come back.

[B]

I definitely will.

[A]

And not wait another year.

[B]

No, I definitely will not. Yeah. I had so much fun talking to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you for having me on. I'm so bummed. I couldn't. My son couldn't come down through.

[A]

I know. We were gonna interview him and his son Right afterwards, we'll bring him back.

[B]

He's sitting in the hotel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Licking his wounds.

[A]

He's not just hungover.

[B]

He is. He is sober. He had to go into sober living, like, a little over a year ago. Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's how I feel every time I get pregnant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, oh, fuck. All my fun is over.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's funny because I'm so open about smoking weed and taking mushrooms. Like, I take three grams of mushrooms every Friday night before my show.

[A]

Do you really?

[B]

Yeah. So tonight, my late Show, I'll take 3 grams of mushrooms before I go on stage.

[A]

Do you just eat the mushrooms raw, or do you have chocolates?

[B]

No, I like it raw, man. I like it raw. The chocolates don't really get me high. Yeah, no, I like it. Just three grams of mushrooms. Pop. Min. Maybe a little honey. Oh, and those shows are fucking wild. They are wild. We're having Terry Black's in the green room tomorrow night. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of the restaurant, but it's really good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I bet.

[A]

I know the guy delivering it.

[B]

Very funny. I can't believe that when you said to me in the lobby, you were like, nice hat. I was like, yeah, thanks. Okay.

[A]

You know, I feel like that's one of my biggest flexes. That's huge in my life now is whenever someone is like, oh, I like, let's go to Terry Black's.

[B]

I'm like, gotcha, gotcha.

[A]

I got you.

[B]

Which one do you want to do it, too? And the line's gonna be late. I got it.

[A]

Let me make a call.

[B]

I know it, dude.

[A]

I know someone who knows everyone.

[B]

That's amazing. Listen, if you're. I know you probably are in early, but if your husband wants to come watch somebody high on mushrooms tonight, he's.

[A]

Are you at the Mothership?

[B]

I'm at Cap City.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[B]

I'm at Cap City today.

[A]

I like Cap City.

[B]

I do, too.

[A]

That's a fun room.

[B]

It really is a fun room. I've known the guy who runs it, a guy named Mark Grossman. He's so good to me, and so I've always played his spots.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Where can people find you comedian joshwolf.com for tour dates and then social media. I think I'm Wolf comedy on everything but my shows. My live shows are so fun. My son opens for me and. And then I go on stage, and then he and I do a Q and A. And then I. I. Then I do guitar. And so it's like four different shows all in one. But the Q and A with him on stage is my favorite part, because we're at a point now where we're co workers and friends, which is so weird.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

But we have the best conversations.

[A]

Is this your youngest son?

[B]

My youngest. Last week, somebody said during the Q and A, do you guys talk about sex? Because we do talk about almost everything. And Jacob was like, are you asking me if I ask him how he fucks my mom? And we were all like, yeah, we don't talk about sex. This is not something we talk about. But we. But the shows are different than anything you'll.

[A]

Does she ever sleep in the closet just for nostalgia purposes?

[B]

Just for. Just to reconnect?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

No. But we have found out after 22 years that having a separate bedroom is not the worst thing. Because sometimes she'll be like, hey, I want to get a good night's sleep. Go sleep in the other room. I'm like, great. Me too.

[A]

Bye. Bye. Yeah, Yeah.