Love of a Stalker Ex w/ Adrienne Iapalucci | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: First Date with Lauren Compton – "Love of a Stalker Ex w/ Adrienne Iapalucci"

Episode Information:

• Title: Love of a Stalker Ex w/ Adrienne Iapalucci
• Host: Lauren Compton, YMH Studios
• Guest: Adrienne Iapalucci, Stand-Up Comedian and Viral Content Creator
• Release Date: December 3, 2024

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Introduction

In this candid and entertaining episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, comedian Adrienne Iapalucci joins host Lauren Compton to delve into the tumultuous world of dating. Adrienne shares her personal experiences navigating relationships fraught with emotional unavailability and obsessive ex-partners. Through humor and honesty, the duo explores the red flags that signal toxic relationships and offers insights into finding healthy connections.

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Dating Challenges: Emotionally Unavailable Men and PTSD

Adrienne opens up about her recurring pattern of dating men with PTSD, attributing it to her dark sense of humor and a deep-seated attraction to emotionally unavailable individuals. She explains, “[03:02] I find a lot of them… their emotional unavailability is probably triggering all my childhood trauma.”

Lauren probes further into this phenomenon, highlighting how Adrienne seems to be a magnet for such individuals. Adrienne reflects, “[05:08] I think they're into my dark sense of humor… it’s chaotic,” illustrating the complex dynamics that draw her to these relationships despite the inherent challenges.

---

Toxic Relationships and Breaking Free

Adrienne recounts her most harrowing relationship with a former boyfriend who exhibited extreme obsessive behavior. “[18:09] He was always going to kill himself,” Adrienne shares, detailing how his threats to harm himself and her dog created a suffocating environment. She describes instances where he would fabricate stories, such as stealing her Jordans or threatening their dog, culminating in her decision to sever ties permanently.

Lauren sympathizes, noting the difficulty in breaking free from such toxic dynamics. Adrienne emphasizes the importance of recognizing when someone’s promises are mere talk: “[03:38] They’re all talk. How can I take you seriously?”

---

Stand-Up Comedy and Personal Struggles

The conversation shifts to Adrienne’s career in stand-up comedy. While she seldom discusses her personal relationships on stage, Adrienne mentions that her special, Dark Queen, touches on dating the aforementioned ex-boyfriend. “[38:05] It’s not necessarily about our relationship, just what that kind of did to us as a couple,” she explains, using her comedy to process and share her experiences without delving into intimate details.

---

Dating with Kids and Ex-Partners

Adrienne expresses strong feelings about dating men who have children, categorizing it as a significant red flag. “[46:00] They bring zero value to my life,” she states unequivocally, explaining her reluctance to invest time in relationships that involve caring for someone else’s children. Lauren and Adrienne discuss the complexities and emotional toll of integrating children into romantic relationships, with Adrienne firmly asserting her boundaries: “[46:35] I refuse to make sacrifices for somebody else's children.”

---

First Date Preferences and Red Flags

The discussion turns to Adrienne’s preferences for first dates, favoring activities that allow for genuine conversation over more passive options like movies. “[35:10] I would rather go for a walk, get coffee, just talk,” she asserts, explaining that she finds dates like movies to be indicative of emotional unavailability. Adrienne shared a particularly odd first date experience where a potential partner revealed a convoluted living situation involving his ex and child, solidifying her decision to end the relationship early on.

---

Romantic Gestures and Sweet Moments

Despite her challenging dating experiences, Adrienne acknowledges the impact of genuine romantic gestures. She recalls a memorable date where her ex took her to a bridge by the water, emphasizing the effort and thought behind the gesture: “[43:07] He put like effort and time into it, which I thought was nice.” Adrienne expresses a desire for authentic connections where both partners can support each other’s growth and well-being.

---

Closing Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, Adrienne reflects on her journey toward healthier relationships, acknowledging the personal growth that has come from navigating toxic partnerships. “[24:36] I can thrive in these terrible relationships,” she admits, recognizing the need to break free from dysfunctional patterns. Lauren and Adrienne conclude with light-hearted banter about future appearances and maintaining boundaries, leaving listeners with a blend of humor and heartfelt insights.

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Notable Quotes

• Adrienne on Emotional Unavailability: “[03:09] I think they're into my dark sense of humor… it’s chaotic.”
• Adrienne on Breaking Up: “[27:16] He was a nightmare. He's the worst guy I've ever dated.”
• Adrienne on Dating with Kids: “[46:00] They bring zero value to my life.”
• Adrienne on First Dates: “[35:10] I would rather go for a walk, get coffee, just talk.”

---

Conclusion

In this episode, First Date with Lauren Compton offers an unfiltered look into the complexities of modern dating through Adrienne Iapalucci’s humorous yet poignant anecdotes. Listeners are treated to a blend of laughter and relatability as Adrienne navigates the pitfalls of emotionally unavailable partners and obsessive exes, ultimately highlighting the importance of setting boundaries and seeking healthy, supportive relationships.

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For more episodes of First Date with Lauren Compton, subscribe to YMH Studios on your preferred podcast platform.

Transcript

[A]

You ever have the holidays just sneak up on you?

[B]

It's the best.

[A]

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[B]

First date.

[A]

I can't wait.

[B]

First date.

[A]

Hello and welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a stand up comedian from New York. She has a new special out called Dark Queen. Give it up for Adrienne Apolucci.

[B]

Oh, my God. Thank you.

[A]

That's the only studio audience involvement we have on this show.

[B]

Oh, I like it.

[A]

It's our applause.

[B]

It's very low key. Just like me. There were a lot of people that would make me feel uncomfortable.

[A]

Yeah, I like it. Yeah, it's a little encouragement.

[B]

We all need a little encouragement once in a while.

[A]

How are you today?

[B]

I'm okay.

[A]

How long are you in Austin for?

[B]

I'll be here for about a week.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I leave on Sunday. I go back to New York. But yeah, it's been fun. Been doing the podcast, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Getting out there. Everyone's trying to get me to eat barbecue.

[A]

Yeah. Have you had any barbecue?

[B]

I haven't this trip. No. What's the best barbecue here?

[A]

Well, I'm dating the guy that owns Terry Blacks.

[B]

Terry Black's very good.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I fell into that without even knowing.

[A]

Into that restaurant like. Or.

[B]

No, into this. I didn't even know that your fiance or boyfriend owns Terry Black.

[A]

Yeah. Baby daddy.

[B]

Baby daddy.

[A]

Baby daddy.

[B]

I love that. Is this your first baby daddy?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

First baby and baby daddy and first daddy. Yeah. Yeah, it's cool.

[B]

I love that for you.

[A]

Thank you. Do you have any kids?

[B]

No, I just have a dog.

[A]

That's enough.

[B]

Sometimes it is enough. It's so, so much work going on the road and trying to find someone to watch her and I, I boarded her somewhere and she came back with like kennel cough and everyone. That's just like the herpes of dogs. Like, everyone just looks at you like.

[A]

Your dog is my dog. Had kennel Cough when she was, like, nine weeks old.

[B]

Yeah. But she got it from hanging out with all these other dogs, so everyone just looks at her like she's a whore.

[A]

Yeah, she kind of, sort of maybe is.

[B]

I know you weren't there to witness, and then I have to treat it, you know?

[A]

Did she get pregnant?

[B]

No, she's fixed.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

She just got the STDs. She's not. No babies. She got no baby daddy. She just has a. A lot of problems.

[A]

Yeah. Like, a lot of us as well.

[B]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[A]

Speaking of a lot of problems, I heard that you. Is it true that you only date men with ptsd?

[B]

I don't only date men with ptsd, but I find a lot of them.

[A]

They'Re just your favorite. You're like a magnet for that.

[B]

I think they're into, like, my dark sense of humor. And it's just their, like, emotional unavailability is probably, like, triggering all my childhood trauma. I don't know. It's just. It's chaotic. Every guy I did, you know, if I want to break up with them, they all say they're gonna kill themselves. They never do. So I just stay longer. It's just like.

[A]

That's so disappointing. You can't find anyone that can commit them.

[B]

None of them have killed themselves. It is that if someone tells you that they're not gonna do it, just leave.

[A]

Yeah. I feel like. Like, I like a man of his word, for sure.

[B]

Because then if he kills himself, you're like, that was the one.

[A]

Yeah. He was serious.

[B]

He really loved me.

[A]

Yeah. And it didn't. And then when they don't do that, you're like. You're just all talk. How can I take you seriously?

[B]

Right. And then I. I cheated on someone thinking that would end it. And then he just asked me to marry him. He tried to push it along.

[A]

You're like, let me help you.

[B]

I'm like, let's. Let's bring this along. Let's bring. And then we got engaged, and I was like, oh, God.

[A]

How long were you engaged for?

[B]

I think a year. But he asked me when we were away and staying with his family. So even if you don't want to say yes, it's like, you're going to go back to the house now and just be like, she said no. But we're. I'll be in your bedroom.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's going to be weird in the morning when we make eggs. We're at the same place. Yeah. So I just somehow gravitate towards guys that have ptsd.

[A]

Where do you meet guys?

[B]

It depends. Like, I guess I was on dating apps in, like, 2017, and then I did a little bit this time after my breakup in February. And it's just. It's just emotionally unavailable men. A lot of Hispanic guys.

[A]

Is there an age group that these men are usually living in?

[B]

I mean, it's weird because I get. I'm 46, so I think I'm. Guys my age are older and not into me, so it's like, guys are in their late 30s and early 40s.

[A]

Emotionally unavailable.

[B]

Emotionally unavailable. Yeah.

[A]

So when. So a guy that's emotionally unavailable is usually just there for the physical aspect of things, right?

[B]

No, I think they think they are emotionally available, which is worse. They don't think there's anything wrong with them. They think. They think they're doing okay. And then you're like, hey, there's a part of your childhood where nobody probably hugged you. So. And they're just like, oh, I'm not very open with my emotions. But, like, well, then once they're drinking, they're, like, the most emotional, so it's, like, such a dichotomy, I guess. Right. Because, like, you don't want them to be drinking, but then also that's when they're the most open. So.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

War veterans. I've dated a couple of those guys.

[A]

I was gonna ask the PTSD part.

[B]

9 11, first responder, a couple of war veterans, firemen, like, just anything that's. Yeah, it's really in my wheelhouse. Like, it's just. Even if I meet a guy that is, like, nice, it's just. I don't know. I've met a couple of really nice guys where I'm like, that would be a good partner. I'm just, like, not into it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think also just living in the Bronx my whole life, I am into a certain type of guy. That's probably not great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

And then you mentioned a current fiance.

[B]

No, we broke up. Oh, we broke up years ago. Yeah.

[A]

Was there only one fiance?

[B]

There was only one fiance.

[A]

Okay, got it.

[B]

I only wasted my time once.

[A]

That's a.

[B]

Hey, I, I, I'm kidding. I've wasted my time a lot. It's mostly just a waste of my time. Although I got some guy from doing this special that was like, 20 in his 20s. He's like, I want to have it, like, do a sex video with you. He's like, I think this would be really good for you. Because I talked about how Kate Jenner, like, really? She Propelled everyone's career. And I wish my mom was more like that when I was younger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This person was like, I'm 28. Let's. I think this could be good for both of us.

[A]

Yeah. It's like, are you just now reading the Kim Kardashian stories?

[B]

No. I just do love that their mom is like such a go getter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just like, my mom is not like that growing up at all. And I just wish she was.

[A]

Yeah. My, my mom. So I was in Playboy and my mom was like so bizarrely supportive of that.

[B]

Did you hate that?

[A]

It was weird. It was a little weird that she was so supportive. Like, she just thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread.

[B]

Did she also secretly want to be in Playboy? Probably because my mom also does stand up.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. So I, I could see that where like, they're kind of happy for you because they're living vicariously through you.

[A]

Maybe my. It was a little strange. I mean, my dad was and rightfully so pissed.

[B]

Right. If he was excited for it, that would be.

[A]

That'd be even weirder.

[B]

That would be very weird.

[A]

Then I'd be like, hold on a second.

[B]

Yeah, this is really bad.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I should rethink my family life.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But yeah, my mom was always, like very supportive of me on that and I always thought that was kind of strange. I mean, glad. Thank you.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But. But also weird.

[B]

A little weird. But I mean, you're beautiful. So I could see her just being like, my daughter is so hot. She's in Playboy.

[A]

I think I did. I did some cool things in Playboy. So it wasn't just like casual.

[B]

What did you do? I. I don't know, like, your experience.

[A]

I was on the COVID I was on a cover Playboy. I was in the center of like four special editions.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So you were pretty high up.

[A]

I did a lot of higher profile things.

[B]

Playboy wasn't. Some of those other Playboy girls. It was just like, oh, my gosh.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So that is. That is. I would be pretty proud of you too, if I was your mom. I'm proud of you right now. Just as a woman.

[A]

I also get. Thank you. I also gave a lot of my money to my family, so from that.

[B]

Too, I think that's why they were the most proud.

[A]

You know, now that I think about it, I'm like, oh, that was like.

[B]

A pretty good cash out for sure.

[A]

A lot of. Lot of her childhood stuff she did for me paid off.

[B]

Do you know what you're having a girl Or a boy?

[A]

A boy.

[B]

Okay. Did you want a girl?

[A]

No, I didn't want a girl because my luck, she'd be just like me and I don't want to raise a hoe.

[B]

Well, you didn't want her to. You would be upset if she was in Playboy.

[A]

I'd be upset. Well, my genes. Like, my mom has huge boobs. I have big boobs. She would probably have big boobs.

[B]

True.

[A]

And when you have big boobs, the first thing you want to do. Show everybody.

[B]

I'm a little disappointed they're not out. I gotta be. I. I don't normally. I don't normally wear shirts that my boobs are up. But, like, I also felt like I should wear.

[A]

You have huge boobs.

[B]

I know. I was hoping we could have big boobs together.

[A]

This is the first time someone else has had cleavage before.

[B]

I know. Well, this could be zipped up. That's why I was like, if they're not out, it's gonna go up.

[A]

I could have some underboob with this thing.

[B]

You do. I see some.

[A]

We could do that.

[B]

I see it coming. So did you.

[A]

Boo.

[B]

Get humongous from being pregnant?

[A]

Huge. I'm like an E now.

[B]

I'm an F. That's wild. I know.

[A]

Where do you shop for bras?

[B]

Lane Bryant. I'm not even kidding. They're the only bras that fit.

[A]

Oh, man. Yeah, I get it. I don't fit in Victoria's Secret bras anymore. They just.

[B]

They hurt.

[A]

They don't fit. My nipples poke out the top, so I'm like, this is embarrassing.

[B]

Embarrassing. I love sports bras, but I can't wear them. It's just like one big mash of boob. It looks so bad. I honestly hate having boobs. I think because I had boobs as a child.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, I would just actually like to be flat chested.

[A]

I think that flat chested women can get away with more in the fashion industry. They can wear, like, absolutely super revealing stuff, and it's chic and Runway.

[B]

Right. And, like, if you get caught in the rain without a bra, it's hot. Yeah, it's just, like, big. It looks so gross. Big boobs.

[A]

If you have big boobs, you're just a slut.

[B]

You're a slut even if you don't want them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Rip. We really have it tough. People don't understand the journey of a white woman with big boobs.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's really hard.

[A]

It is hard. It is hard. Like, to everyone here on all these.

[B]

Cameras, to know nobody talks about our struggle.

[A]

This struggle is real. And my back pain is also very real.

[B]

Crazy. I'm looking for a place to get a massage because my back hurts so bad.

[A]

We're gonna get to dating stuff, I promise. But this is too good.

[B]

I don't know if it's good or bad. It's just my life though.

[A]

But it's nice to at least relate to someone on this kind of a level.

[B]

That's true. Yes. Almost no one has huge tits that.

[A]

They can complain about.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I've never really liked it.

[A]

I've liked it, but since I've gotten.

[B]

Money off of it.

[A]

Yeah, that is true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the pregnancy thing, they. I would have been very happy if they just stayed the same size. No one needed them to get bigger.

[B]

Are you going to breastfeed? Because I feel like that shrinks your tits.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

For like multiple reasons. I hear that it like helps burn calories.

[B]

It does.

[A]

It's like easy er to me to just latch a baby on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they just drink until they're fully.

[B]

But then they're like attached to you.

[A]

Yeah. It is like a suction cup. Yeah.

[B]

But also I think it's like you can't just give them, I guess if you like pump, but otherwise it's like you're on duty all the time.

[A]

I think I'll pump to them.

[B]

Yeah. Because you want to be sleeping and letting.

[A]

There's going to be times where like, I don't want to do that, but I do want to. At least for as long as I can provide the milk and as long as I can mean six months and then I cap and then I'm done.

[B]

You don't want like a 3 year old old baby. Dude. There's so weird.

[A]

There are people in the world that do that.

[B]

It's disgusting.

[A]

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[B]

Are you gonna be doing it in public?

[A]

For sure.

[B]

I was at the airport and this lady was breastfeeding a toddler and you could hear him the whole time going, no, no. I was like, whoa, please take that in the bathroom.

[A]

No.

[B]

When you're making noises because you're satiated. It's disgusting.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

It was so gross. It was disgusting.

[A]

No, I can't.

[B]

No. 6.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Six months and then he can learn to. We can migrate to some.

[B]

To something else, I think. Migrate to like a nanny to do it? No, just over the border. Off the border and getting an immigrant.

[A]

Yeah. No, we're off the tip.

[B]

Off the tip. That's good. I like that.

[A]

Yeah. So that's my plan. That's my game plan. But as all plans go, they usually fail.

[B]

Yeah. You're going to be doing till it's four.

[A]

I probably do it till it's two months old and then stop producing.

[B]

Knowing you Might not really like it.

[A]

I've heard that, too. Okay, back to you.

[B]

Let's go. I like to deflect.

[A]

I like it, though.

[B]

It's good.

[A]

I don't talk about me enough lately.

[B]

Yeah. Wait, vaginal or C section?

[A]

Vaginal.

[B]

Brave.

[A]

So my mom said you should do.

[B]

Playboy right after that.

[A]

I should do Playboy. During this, I did a maternity shoot, and I just want to show everyone my pictures, but they're a little too sexy.

[B]

You have, like, a hand coming out in between.

[A]

Not quite, but I'm sure that if I spread my legs, you could see my uterus.

[B]

Interesting. I'd be up for seeing that.

[A]

It'd be. It's a lot to see. There's a lot to see.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Things change colors.

[B]

Well, you're pretty young still, right?

[A]

37.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you're on the cusp of being old.

[A]

Yeah, I feel old.

[B]

You're just pregnant.

[A]

I'm just without Botox for a little too long.

[B]

Don't get it. You don't need it.

[A]

You know why I don't need it? Because I've had it for, like, eight years straight.

[B]

Oh, you tricked me. I was like, your lips are so juicy.

[A]

Also injections.

[B]

I mean, that's like Hispanic lips.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I was like, are you part Espanol?

[A]

It's like DSL or dick sucking lips.

[B]

Ooh, good.

[A]

Yeah. How do you think I got pregnant?

[B]

I mean, you don't have to.

[A]

Not from sucking the dick.

[B]

Not from sucking the dick. Right? Taking the dick. Are we not. I. I have no idea what goes on here.

[A]

This is just. I think this is hilarious. I wouldn't talk about this.

[B]

Bad.

[A]

No, this is great. Okay, tell me one of your. So I have a note here that you have enough dating horror stories to.

[B]

Last six episodes, probably.

[A]

I mean, can you think of, like, one of the worst ones?

[B]

Worst? Hell, though. Like, worse for me, emotionally.

[A]

We're like, yeah, I want to hear your trauma.

[B]

My trauma. Okay. So I dated this guy for a couple of years. He was a veteran. And then I was on the road. I mean, he was just. He was always going to kill himself. I mean, like, he was, like, always going to kill himself.

[A]

He was Private Dan, isn't it? Dan? Saving Private. Wait, am I thinking of.

[B]

You're Lieutenant Dan? Yeah. You're confusing that with saving for his gum. Yeah. No, he wasn't like he had legs. I wish he.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I wish he didn't have legs. I could have dropped him off somewhere. There's nowhere to drop him off. He had legs, but he was so crazy. I remember talking to him on the phone. He was an alcoholic and he just had split personality. I was like, what is this? He was so crazy. Like I call the cops on him. He like stole my Jordans and sold them while I was on the road. He told me one day, like, I have a dog, Peggy sue, that we got together and she's like very cute. And he knew I loved her. And like towards the end of the relationship, he was always saying he's going to kill her. And then he took a knife and he was like, say goodbye to Peg. And I was like, bye, Peg. I was just so over it. I was like, just leave. He didn't kill her though. That's good. Yeah, but he's. He's a nightmare. He's the worst guy I've ever dated.

[A]

How'd you get rid of this guy?

[B]

So I was on a six week tour with Louis and he was watching my dog and he was so crazy with like threaten my friends. And like he started a big fight with one of my friends and she was pregnant at the time and they call the cops on him, I think. And I was just like, he, he knew he did too much where I was like, hey, you got to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But like I would block him. He would call me 200 times from a block number. You know what's weird about that? They call so much that when they stop, you do miss it a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you're like, this person's so obsessed with me. It kind of feels nice.

[A]

I know how that feels.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you're. I've had the same thing with like text messages or that just come in and it's like sort of like a begging and then you're like, God, this guy won't leave me alone.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then when they do, it's like, wait, where'd you go?

[B]

It's like, did you move on? Why did you find someone else?

[A]

Why'd you stop?

[B]

Yeah, I mean he was at one point creating fake. Not Instagram. He was. Because you could create as many posts as you like fake accounts as you want on I guess was now X Twitter. Yeah. So he was at one point pretending to be somebody else, trolling himself and sending me messages. He also like at one point he was creating like fake accounts of me on Instagram. And then he was like putting like my address on them. Anything that I gave him, like a photo or anything sexy, he's like, I'm going to send this to everyone. I was like, go ahead. Like, nobody Even cares. Like, I'm going to release your album. I'm going to release your degenerate set. Like, he's just. Anything he can do to get, like, under my skin. He was the absolute worst.

[A]

He sounds pretty bad.

[B]

Yeah. And then the constant. He was, like, constantly smoking all the time, which wasn't bad because he had to go outside. I got a little break.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then he started vaping, and he was in the house all the time.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

It's just like cotton candy and whatever all those dumb things are.

[A]

Yeah, I heard. So in the beginning of this, you said you dated him for a couple years.

[B]

So we broke up. So he borrowed money from me and said he had an account, which did not exist. And then he made up this whole story. And his friends and family were great. I, like, loved his friends. They were like, normal people. He's like, next level insane. So we broke up, and it was, like, right at the start of the pandemic, and I was like, what am I going to do by myself?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's when our relationship was the best, because he was just jealous of everything and everyone. So we were together all the time, so things were actually good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then once, you know, life started picking back up and we're out and on the road and stuff, that's when he became insane again.

[A]

Covid is. Covid was a wild time. I feel like everyone was in a relationship that they didn't want to be in just because, I mean, didn't want to be alone.

[B]

If there was no Covid, we would have broken up, but we stayed together to two extra years.

[A]

Yeah. I was with a guy that I'm.

[B]

Pretty sure was gay during the pandemic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What made you think he was gay? Like, did he not like having sex or.

[A]

He liked having sex, but his best friend was gay.

[B]

Did you. Did he only like it from behind and you had to wear a man's jersey?

[A]

Stop trying to give me ptsd.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, that's tough. Okay, so his best friend was gay.

[A]

He also, like, talked gay.

[B]

Okay, so he's, like, flaming gay. Not just, like.

[A]

Yeah, like, he, like, totally talked.

[B]

How are you attracted to that, though? Because now you're with, like, this barbecue guy. That must.

[A]

He was a pro athlete, and he had. And he had an okay body, so.

[B]

The jersey thing's for real.

[A]

I mean, I never wore a jersey.

[B]

Did he go down on you a lot?

[A]

Never.

[B]

Yeah. No, I was kind of talking to a guy that was huge dick, but, like, that's all he has Is a huge dick, like, just not good at anything else.

[A]

Boring.

[B]

Doesn't go down on you. Like, fingers you. For a second I was like, I think you're gay. What did you like? He's, like, grossed out by vagina.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

Yeah. He's like. I don't know. He might be autistic, too. I date a lot of autism also.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Between that and ptsd, it's a real nice mix.

[A]

That sounds fun.

[B]

It's very fun.

[A]

Which one's better?

[B]

I don't know. Like, there's some things about autistic people that are good. Like, they're genuinely funny people. I don't know. It's just. It's all bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

None of it's good.

[A]

Are you looking for anything different or are you gonna stay on the same track?

[B]

The thing is this. I want something different. And I always say, I. That's what I'm going after. And then I get looped into these toxic things for a bit.

[A]

How soon into dating someone do you find out that someone has one of these traits that, like, seems to be recurring?

[B]

Pretty. Pretty soon. Like, I mean, pretty soon. And I'll still sometimes keep doing it.

[A]

Just to see what happens, how it unfolds.

[B]

No, I'm just like, let me just do this for just a little bit. And then I just keep doing. It's like, stand up. Like, I started stand up. And it, you know, it's just so bad for so long. You just keep doing it because you're used to, like, the dysfunction, I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's how I can really thrive in these terrible relationships.

[A]

And it sounds like they're usually probably pretty obsessed with you somewhat.

[B]

And then also, like, it's a bit of the. Like, I'll do this thing a lot where I'll just, like, break up with these. You come back to me. Like, I do that a lot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's another fun thing.

[A]

That's not good.

[B]

No. None of this is good. I'm never gonna probably have a good relationship.

[A]

You might, I don't know, be right.

[B]

Yeah, you might be. Exactly. Maybe I should just date a gay guy.

[A]

I don't know. It didn't work out for me. You know what the ending point for me was with that guy is he took a. On the side of the road and not just.

[B]

What were the circumstances.

[A]

He was driving. I wasn't with him. But he confessed to this, and that's how I knew it was over. I was like. The fact that you would even tell someone this deep, dark secret is. Is bizarre. And Terrifying to me. He was driving on the freeway. He had IBS that was really, really bad. And on the side of the freeway, he had to poop. And he pulled over on the side of the freeway.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he took a squatted outdoors.

[B]

What else would you have liked him to do, though, in the car?

[A]

You know what? Don't tell me.

[B]

First. Don't tell you? Yeah.

[A]

First, don't ever tell me that.

[B]

That doesn't seem like something a gay guy would tell someone. That's like a very dude thing.

[A]

Maybe he wasn't gay, but it makes me feel better to think that he was gay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Just because I really. He's my least favorite person.

[B]

Do you still harbor feelings towards him of not liking him?

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

Are you in love with him?

[A]

No. He read my journal.

[B]

Why do you have a journal?

[A]

I. He made me have a journal.

[B]

Or was it he made you have a journal?

[A]

He journaled. And that's one of the reasons I thought he was gay. He was into breath work and meditation and yoga and journaling and, like, had to express all of his feelings. Writing in a journal.

[B]

I can't believe you fell for the keep a journal thing.

[A]

Dude. He told me that he, like, for months. He was like, if you just write down how you feel, like, it's. It's a really exhilarating feeling. So I wrote one thing in a journal, and it was a pros and cons list of him.

[B]

Girls do that a lot.

[A]

And so the pros were like, three things. He has blue eyes. He's male. His abs are okay.

[B]

Mm. I get those.

[A]

And then the list of cons went on for like six pages.

[B]

Was it just gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay?

[A]

It was pretty much, like, too white. No culture, like, no culture is a culture. No romance. There was like, the list went on and on.

[B]

Was he not good in bed?

[A]

He was a one trick pony. He did, like, one thing. And then I went grocery shopping one day, and when I came back, he was in the corner in tears, crying and said that he had read my journal and that I hurt his feelings and he didn't see how we could be together and. And three days later, he packed up all of his and he moved out.

[B]

That sounds amazing.

[A]

It was so easy. I wish I would have done it sooner.

[B]

How long did you guys stay together?

[A]

Like a year.

[B]

It's not that bad a year, though. It could have been way longer.

[A]

It could have, but it would have been way less had it not been the pandemic.

[B]

Right. A lot of people got hooked into a long pandemic, then I don't think.

[A]

I ever would have even dated him.

[B]

You might not have.

[A]

I might have gone and gone on a date.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But it was like I went on this date and I'm not kidding, two weeks later was like, just lockdown.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And he was the only person that I had gone out with.

[B]

And you're like, we're doing it.

[A]

I was like, do you want to come over?

[B]

There's like a Netflix documentary about this couple that goes to, like, another country. I don't know where it is. And the pandemic happens. They get locked down there for like eight months or something together. It's like their third date. And they ended up staying together. But that's crazy for three dates and now you're in another country with this.

[A]

Person you don't really know for like, almost a year.

[B]

Yeah. They ended up making it work, though, Unlike us.

[A]

That's how I felt.

[B]

Yeah. Well, that sucks. But at least. Sure. You seem happy now.

[A]

Now I'm very happy.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

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[B]

Brisket's delicious.

[A]

It'll smell good.

[B]

Yeah, I love brisket.

[A]

I'm ready for something to smell good because I don't smell good. When you get pregnant, your BO just skyrockets. There's some hormone. I don't know what it is, but I was telling everybody here yesterday, I just smell like. I tell everyone, I'm glad you're over there. I don't know why I use deodorant and perfume and stuff.

[B]

And one of the guys I recently dated or whatever you want to say with the big dick, had body odor.

[A]

Yikes. Is that a red flag?

[B]

He uses natural deodorant and it's weird because he's like, I don't want all the toxins. I was like, but you're an alcoholic, so, like, what are we doing here? It's like, use some regular deodorant. Why are you using organic deodorant?

[A]

Like, what's it like? Tom's.

[B]

Tom's or whatever it is, where I was like, I mean, listen, I didn't do it the best way because it was an embarrassing situation. And I was like staying at his house and I'm like, it's the summer. And I just took him by the hands and brought him to the bathroom like a child. My friend was like, you should have put him back in the bathtub and showered him.

[A]

I was like, I probably should have bathed that man.

[B]

Yeah, he didn't like that.

[A]

I. I don't like the natural deodorant thing.

[B]

You smell like onions by the end of the day. Everyone does. Yeah, there's no way not to smell like onions.

[A]

I had a girlfriend who took peppermint pills that were supposed to help her secrete a peppermint smell.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It didn't work. We worked out together and I. She just smelt to high heavens. And I had to tell her. I was like, look, you can do whatever you want in your free time, but when you work out with me, wear deodorant. You wear deodorant.

[B]

Real dove deodorant.

[A]

Deodorant.

[B]

Toxins like aluminum galore. Something about aluminum that makes you smell so good.

[A]

I don't know. But she. She had to come to God with that one. And then we just decided not to work out together ever again.

[B]

Are you still friends?

[A]

No.

[B]

Do you think that was like, it?

[A]

No. But I do think that I'm a hardcore friend. I think I'm very blunt. And if I. If I like you and like, we're really good friends, I'll tell you what's up. Straight up.

[B]

But I love that. I would rather somebody be like, hey, you need to put your. You smell right now.

[A]

Yeah. For the greater good of everyone around you. And if you want to date someone, sure. Also shave your armpits.

[B]

Yeah. I'll tell you that There's a comic that was like hooking up with some girl and he's like, you know, she's very, like, artsy, and she doesn't shave. And I was like, that's gross.

[A]

That's not artsy.

[B]

No, but he was like, she's just like, artsy. You know? She was also much younger than him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, you know, she's just. She's so much older than I was. Like, she's 22. What is she, 24? Like, even if she's the most mature, it's not like she's 40s. Like, you stop being gross. You ever have that where people ask you, they're like, do you think that's too young? And I'm like, you know, it's too young. And that's why you're asking me.

[A]

Yeah. Some sort of validation.

[B]

You would never ask that about a 30 year old.

[A]

Yeah, never.

[B]

They know it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Gross.

[A]

It is gross. Who, who do you think should pay on a first date?

[B]

I think whoever asks the person out should pay honestly on a first date. I'd rather we not eat dinner. Like, I don't know if I'm gonna like you. I don't want to ever have to owe you anything. I'd rather pay my own thing, to be honest. Like, I don't want to owe anyone anything.

[A]

What do you like to do for a first date?

[B]

Honestly, I would Rather go to, like, go for a walk, go get coffee. Like, just talk. And one guy was like, let's go to the movies. I was like, that's for what? Like, we're supposed to get to know each other.

[A]

I hate that.

[B]

It's just. It's just a way. It's like an emotionally unavailable thing, though. Yeah. I mean, where you're like, I don't. It's like, oh, we're gonna talk.

[A]

I feel like if someone takes me to the movies on a. On a date, maybe later on in the world, like, sure, yeah.

[B]

But not first date.

[A]

A first date?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If someone's like, let's go have dinner and a movie. I'm like, so you just are. You're hungry and you don't want to talk.

[B]

Right. It's like, I could do that myself. Yeah, I don't want to do that. I remember I went on a first date with this guy, and he was like. At the end of the day, he was like, hey, I just want to let you know my current living situation. And he's like, so my. My baby mama and her fiance and my kid are all staying with me. He's like, but they're going to leave in, like, two weeks.

[A]

And how did you respond?

[B]

This sounds great. Let me waste a couple months of my life doing this.

[A]

You're like, you are marriage material.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So did you go over there? Did you meet them?

[B]

I didn't meet them, but he, like, FaceTimed. And I saw, like, her and him and their kid and the kid. It was so weird. Such a weird dynamic. And, like, eventually I was like, yeah, I can't do this. And then he sent me, I guess, a text or whatever. He's like, yeah, like, they're not with me anymore. I'm like, yeah, it's, like, too late now.

[A]

Yeah, time has passed, bro.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I did hook up with him after a breakup, but I was like, it's so weird because, like, I thought, like, he's a good person, but he's just like, not for me.

[A]

Yeah. Are you looking? Are you dating anyone now?

[B]

No, I'm, like, dating, but I don't have, like, a person I'm dating, dude. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, I'm just a main squeeze person.

[B]

Yeah, I guess I have a bunch of people I send my outfit to.

[A]

That is such a great way to explain.

[B]

I have people I'm sending my outfit to at the. When I get dressed. Yeah, that's about. But, yeah, I'm not, like, serious with anyone. I would Like a serious relationship. But I do want it to be like somebody that is from going to therapy. My therapist is like, you really need somebody that you can work through issues with. Because I think that is like the number one thing of how we can handle problems and like work through stuff. Because a lot of times it's like, if we can't work through anything, it's like, it's just you build resentment. And he also said too, like, because of my childhood and how we grew up being close to each other, we fought. That's how we were close. So it's not like necessarily he's like, you need someone you could be boring with. And I was like, now that sounds like I'm gonna start cheating.

[A]

Yeah. You don't ever want to be bored.

[B]

No. But he's. I, I understand what he's saying. He's like, you're just used to chaos and like I am like this toxic cycles. I get in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I probably should just be alone.

[A]

Do you talk about relationships in your stand up?

[B]

Not really.

[A]

No. It sounds, it sounds like such good material.

[B]

I think because a lot of women do talk about it on stage. I've kind of shied away from it. I do in some ways. Like, I guess I'll have like. Even in my special, like the Dark Queen, I talk about like dating the guy that was a 911 first responder. But it's not like necessarily about our relationship. It's just about like what that kind of did to us as like a couple.

[A]

Yeah. What do you primarily talk about in your stand up?

[B]

I don't know. It depends. Like, I guess, like some things that are political somewhat, you know, about the war. This is the thing. There's so many things going on in the world that I really care about. None of them, because if you think about it like, life is just hard regardless of where you're at. And I understand that we don't necessarily have third world problems, but like, for me, my top priority is like potholes on my block.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Getting flat tires.

[A]

Potholes are important. Especially when we're paying taxes.

[B]

Right.

[A]

For the roads to be.

[B]

And in New York, there's nails everywhere. Yeah, there's just nails everywhere you go. There's like. So it's just like I keep getting these flat tires.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

And that's like, for me, my number one thing.

[A]

But you know that, that's like something that's affecting you personally on it on a day to day basis.

[B]

I think most people are like that. Like, it's. Hey, of course like, everything that's going on may be awful, but, like, what's going on in my real life, like, most people can't afford groceries right now. So it's like, yeah, it sucks that there's a war there, but it's like, I can't pay for my kids to go to school. Like, I can't give them lunch, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or whatever it is. But so it's like, to me, it's like, I don't know, I guess I'm just maybe more self involved, but I think most people are.

[A]

Well, again, I think that that's like your actual tax dollars that you're spending every single.

[B]

You're assuming I'm paying taxes. I'm.

[A]

Are you not paying taxes?

[B]

No, I am, but I'm just saying, like, I don't know, for people that I'm talking to or even dating, some of them are just like, yeah, I. I can't ever retire.

[A]

I feel like I pay so much in taxes, it's like, make a lot of money. It's very disheartening. I.

[B]

Why don't you make less money, then.

[A]

I pay less taxes.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's a good trade off.

[B]

It's another humble, humble brag. With your size E tits.

[A]

You know, I'll take.

[B]

I'll take my humble brags.

[A]

I could sell a lot of things and, like, not have to worry about it so much. But I also like my things.

[B]

Oh, I love things.

[A]

I love things.

[B]

I have too many pairs of sneakers I don't need.

[A]

Not if people are selling them while you're on tour.

[B]

Well, now he's not. He's not with me anymore. I'm like, what a quick turnaround. I was gone for a couple of weeks and you sold a bunch of sneakers.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, I'm going to get you where it hurts.

[B]

That is where it hurts.

[A]

I'm going to fuck your feet up.

[B]

I must rather you kill my dog.

[A]

Jump off a cliff.

[B]

You know what's funny? Somebody wrote to me recently, was like, hey, I heard you dated this guy. And everyone was like, I bet this is him writing to you. I was like, I don't think so. And she was like, I blocked him. He called me 50 times. I'm like, image. Like, that's very low scale. He called me 200 times from a block number. But she was like, he's nuts. And I was like, I'm never gonna write back to this girl. But like, yeah, he's still out there. And she's like, I don't know he told me he's gonna kill himself. She's like, do you think he killed himself? I'm like, no idea.

[A]

Probably not, though.

[B]

Probably not. And I would be pretty upset if he killed himself over her.

[A]

Yeah. Why her? What made her so special?

[B]

She's average looking.

[A]

God, I hate that. That's the hardest competition.

[B]

It is when you kill yourself over somebody else. They were together, like, couple months.

[A]

Yeah. Well, even when you just choose someone that's like, less better looking.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I guess it wasn't even so much about that, but it was more so that they were together such a short amount of time. Yeah, it did hurt a little bit.

[A]

He's probably still alive.

[B]

I don't know. He hasn't contacted me yet from the special. And there are some jokes about him, so just like, about him being in the military and how, like, they're just damaged. We should keep. They should keep them.

[A]

But it's clear that you're talking about him and he would.

[B]

Yeah, he would know.

[A]

So maybe he hasn't seen the special yet.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Which is also rude. He should be obsessed with you.

[B]

He is blocked on stuff. So let's see if he figures out other avenues. Yeah, let's see how creative he gets.

[A]

How long ago were you guys together?

[B]

We broke up two years ago. Two and a half.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's a while.

[A]

Yeah. I was gonna say, if it was anything less than a year, I'd expect him to have seen the special for sure by now.

[B]

No, it's been way more than that. Well, we've been broken up for more than that. Yeah, it's on his radar. He's. He also. We started dating because he was a fan of my podcast. That was another thing where I was like, I'm not dating any more fans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because if you like what I do, there's no way that you are a well adjusted person. You have to be incredibly toxic and messed up. So, yeah, if you like my stand up, that's the first strike. Yeah, it's not good.

[A]

Well, out of all of these toxic relationships, what is something really romantic that someone has done for you?

[B]

So I love the water. And I had a ex boyfriend. Like, the first time we hung out, he took me to, like, the bridge by the water and I thought that was like, kind of romantic. It was freezing. It was like 20 degrees out. But it was like a romantic thing where I was like, oh, this person does actually like. He put. He put like effort and time into it, which I thought was nice.

[A]

I also love Outdoor activities. Even if it's cold.

[B]

Yeah, I'd rather like, be outside and do something that, like, sitting at dinner is kind of boring to me.

[A]

Yeah. I never get tired of a good meal, though. And maybe that's just because I'm pregnant and I'm hungry all the time.

[B]

Yeah. What's your go to food besides barbecue?

[A]

Mexican.

[B]

Nice. What do you got?

[A]

Fajitas.

[B]

I love fajitas. But then you stink like them.

[A]

I know, but that's okay. That's the trade off. I still go to Vegas even though I smell like smoke.

[B]

That's true. That's a good point. It just takes a long time to dry my hair.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like washing my hair. I wash it once a week.

[B]

I know.

[A]

There's just loads of dry shampoo in it so it doesn't look so greasy.

[B]

That's gotta be great for your hair.

[A]

It's not. But from the front it looks good. You should see it from the back.

[B]

It does look pretty good from the front.

[A]

Thank you. My dessert question. What is the sweetest thing that you have done for someone else?

[B]

I don't know. I guess let them live with me.

[A]

That is romantic.

[B]

That's very romantic.

[A]

Ron White said that the most romantic thing that he's ever done for someone was put them on his insurance.

[B]

Oh, my God. That is very romantic.

[A]

So nice. Right? Just out of the kindness of his heart, he's just like, I'm gonna pay your insurance.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

It's really sweet.

[B]

I hope someone does that for me.

[A]

He also said that if he takes you out on a date and you have kids, he'll pay for your babysitter. He'll pay for your outfit to whatever event you guys are going to. And then he will pay for your car. Ride there to meet him and I'll pay for the whole thing and then pay for you to get home.

[B]

That's amazing. I heard Derek Jeter used to, like, have a side of the house or wherever he was. I don't know where, like, if you came there and you guys, like had sex and stuff, like, he would treat you really nice and give you like a bag to go home with. Stuff?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I guess.

[A]

Like a goodie bag, I think.

[B]

So you felt okay about it being a one night stand, do you know what I mean? So you didn't tell everyone, like, I got cheated on.

[A]

Can you leave with party favors? It's not like the condoms, the lubricant.

[B]

It's like, I got this lubiton, I got this lubricant. Couple of Twizzlers. I got this Louis Vuitton bag. So now I don't. I don't think that. I think I mattered.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. That's very prostitute y. Yeah, it's pretty proud.

[B]

I. I also dated one guy that had kids. Well too. That one guy that lived with his family. I dated another guy that had kids. I wouldn't do it again. It's a waste of your time to spend time with anyone's kids. I. I feel that I would never do it again.

[A]

It's such a suck it. Like, kind of because you get looped into the kids a little bit.

[B]

A little bit. But then also, like, you're spending time with these kids that, like, it doesn't come back to you, Jimmy. You spend a year of your life with someone else's kids and like, you spend time with your own kids because you want them to like, take care of you when you're old and stuff. But, like, those kids aren't going to ever repay me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, I refuse to spend time with anyone else's children.

[A]

Very little value.

[B]

It's a. They bring zero value to my life. If I wanted kids, I would have my own kids, you know, But I. This is the thing, and this is going to sound terrible. I refuse to make sacrifices for somebody else's children.

[A]

That's. I don't think that's that terrible.

[B]

I know, but if you say that to people, they think it's terrible, even if they all agree, you know, consensus is your piece of. But it's like, I'm a piece of with my own time.

[A]

I think if you, if that's just who you are and you call it out and you're like, this is me.

[B]

And I don't hate kids. I used to be a nanny. That's the weirdest thing. I nanny kids and they liked me and I liked.

[A]

But you were getting paid for that. So there was something kick back there.

[B]

Sure. Yes. But that's the saying. I don't like, dislike kids, but I don't want. I don't want to spend like the holidays with your children.

[A]

I, I can level with you. I don't like to travel or go on trips with other couples that have kids because I don't want those kids around.

[B]

It's a bummer.

[A]

It is a bummer.

[B]

It's like, now your kid's sick and none of us can go to like, the amusement. Whatever you're supposed to be doing.

[A]

Yeah. They get bored really quickly.

[B]

There's a lot of screaming. Right. They're screaming now. All of us have to leave the restaurant.

[A]

It's a little bit of a bu. You can't go to bars like your.

[B]

Own kid is your kid. You're invested in it. But, like, even if me and you were friends, we went out with your kid, your kids screaming, I'd be like, so you should leave.

[A]

I mean, even though I'm having a kid, I wouldn't, like, love hanging out with other people's kids.

[B]

Yeah. And it's not that I don't like kids. It's just same. It's. It's a lot of work for very little payoff.

[A]

Those are your kids.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You handle that.

[B]

Go do that. That's. That's on you.

[A]

I'm. I mean, I'm on the same page.

[B]

Yeah. And I just don't want to. I don't want to have to spend time with someone else's, especially if they're little. And you have to spend, like, a lot of time watching them and making sure they don't die.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That shouldn't be my responsibility. Your ex wife isn't even here. She should be watching them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So no, thanks.

[A]

Yeah, I'm with you.

[B]

And my dad married my mom when she had me. So, like, he had a very different policy. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't his biological child, and he took care of me, and I'm definitely not gonna pay that forward. Not even a little bit. I'd rather be with someone toxic that has no kids, then be with someone.

[A]

Who does have kids. I've never dated anyone that has kids. And that's always been, like, a red flag to me because I'm like, what did you do in your relationship to end up single with kids?

[B]

Yeah. Also, when guys are like, my kids are my world, I'm like, if that was true, you would have made it work with their mom.

[A]

Yeah. That's what I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What. What. What happened there that it didn't work out Right.

[B]

And I have all these three kids, Especially three kids with different women.

[A]

Yeah. Well, this has been so fun. I feel like I could talk to you forever.

[B]

We're friends.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

Yeah. I want to come do it again when. When your kid's definitely not here.

[A]

I'll bring my kid here.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

He won't be able to talk.

[B]

One of those people will watch them, though, right?

[A]

Maybe. I keep. I keep telling everyone. I'm like, I think I'm just going to get, like, a little stand and just prop them up right here.

[B]

I mean, when they're young, they're really easy.

[A]

Yeah, like.

[B]

Like itty bitty.

[A]

Yeah. He could be cute a lot. Yeah.

[B]

Will you give them Benadryl if they can't sleep?

[A]

I'll give that kid Xanax. If he talks too much, I'll give.

[B]

Him some of my Xanax.

[A]

He'll yawn.

[B]

I'll just be like, yeah, Xanax is.

[A]

Yeah. I'm just kidding. For everyone that's gonna, like, come down on me for saying that, but I'm kidding, too.

[B]

I'm not giving him any of my Xanax. I need it all for myself.

[A]

It's just hard to come by.

[B]

It's very hard to come.

[A]

I can't wait to get back on my Adderall.

[B]

That guy stole all my Xanax, too. He took. So I was like, why is he sleeping so much? And I was like, oh, he's. And then I was like, I take it very rarely. And then I was like, oh, he's like, he took like 30 of them in a month. Or 60. It was something crazy.

[A]

One every day. Where does he get off? The audacity.

[B]

It was crazy the amount he took. And then I was like, oh. Because I was hiding them from him and he found them.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. He was like, I found the secret.

[B]

Stash and he had every opportunity to kill himself. And he didn't.

[A]

Well, no, he was too relaxed.

[B]

He should have taken all of them.

[A]

Yeah, that's how you take them all at once. One a day ain't gonna do it.

[B]

No.

[A]

It's gonna make you take a nap and feel a little bit better about yourself when you wake up.

[B]

I agree. Well, thank you for having me.

[A]

Of course. Where can people find you?

[B]

Well, first of all, go watch the Dark Queen on Netflix. And if you hate it, send me a message. I want to know where you stop watching. If you were like, I'm out on Gaza, or whatever your joke is that you hate, tell me.

[A]

That's her way of saying, slide into her DMs. She's available.

[B]

Oh, my God, I got so many phone numbers. But it doesn't seem like those are well adjusted people. Be writing all of them back. And then follow me on Instagram. Adrian Appalucci, Come see me on tour. Buy a T shirt if you want.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

It's a T shirt. A meme with the Clintons. I met them and it says, I met the Clintons and love to talk about it rare. I know. I'll probably get murdered, but buy a T shirt. But you're living to talk about it right now. Yeah, they live probably not that far from me. That's it? Yeah. Just follow me. Come out to a show.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

Well, thank.

[A]

I can't wait to have you back on.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you guys so much for tuning in to today's episode. We'll see you next time. Are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me?

[B]

Just say you're ready.

[A]

Delete my number. Thursday, your parents are your roommates.

[B]

Thursday.