Lucas Zelnick: How To Get Back With Your Ex | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Episode: Lucas Zelnick: How To Get Back With Your Ex
Date: December 13, 2025
Guest: Lucas Zelnick (Comedian)
Host: Lauren Compton
Studio: YMH Studios

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Overview

In this episode, comedian and viral content creator Lauren Compton invites fellow comedian Lucas Zelnick onto "First Date" for a playful, probing conversation about dating, relationships, and personal quirks. The core theme centers on figuring out if Lucas is “dateable,” how he navigates relationships—including getting back together with his ex—and uncovering both red flags and green flags in his personality. Expect a mix of candid admissions, sharp wit, vulnerable stories, and plenty of laughs as Lauren and Lucas dig into relationship histories, intimacy, personal habits, and the real, messy work of love.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Relationship History & Tattoo Symbolism

• Lucas’s Relationship Timeline

  • Currently in a two-year relationship; they previously dated for three months, broke up for eight, then reunited.
  • They got matching tattoos ("two people on a beach") very early on, broke up, and ultimately found their way back to each other.
    • “Originally it was, and then it wasn’t, and now it is again. You know what I mean?” — Lucas (01:19)

• Matching Tattoos as Gesture

  • Lucas views matching tattoos as a romantic but impulsive symbol of commitment.
    • “I think getting a matching tattoo is pretty romantic. That was like a real... I’m willing to lock this down and I will show you that by getting a tattoo on my skin.” — Lucas (42:16)

• Both agree tattoo stories are always a bit impulsive or emotionally driven.

2. Getting Back With an Ex

• Breakup and Rekindling

  • Lucas describes the dynamic of breaking up and getting back together. His girlfriend was persistent during their break, reaching out about trivial things.
    • “She texted me like, five times in the eight months... always some like... reason she didn’t really need to reach out.” — Lucas (15:20)
  • He dated others during their split: “Yes. [I dated someone else]” (14:50).

• Why Getting Back Was Hot

  • The taboo and emotional baggage ironically made reuniting sexually and emotionally intense.
    • “When I fucked my ex for the first time after our breakup, that was hot. That was hot.” — Lucas (38:48)

• Challenges of Returning

  • He reflects honestly on the rocky transition (“my anger about the last relationship started coming out towards her” (39:52)) and emphasizes needing to process feelings to successfully rekindle.

3. Relationship Red Flags & Green Flags

• Lucas’s Self-Confessed Red Flag

  • Tends toward “problem-solving mode” rather than emotional validation
    • “I probably am not... I don’t show empathy. I feel empathy, but I don’t show it.” — Lucas (17:07)
  • Admits this can be tough for partners seeking emotional comfort.

• Pet Peeves

  • Doesn’t like partners who are constantly upset or unable to give him independence (“I need some time to do me stuff” (19:00)).

• Attributes in Relationships

  • Values open communication, not keeping score, and consistent intimacy for relationship health:
    • “You definitely have to be fucking...and finding each other hot and like, telling each other that... Also, not keeping score.” — Lucas (40:25)

4. Candid Talk on Intimacy & Sex

• Views on Sex

  • Lucas is confident and flexible (“The sex we have is, like, really good. I can do it in any set of circumstances.” (19:59))
  • Music during sex feels cheesy unless incidental.
  • Has had risky sex (e.g., “bathroom at my friend’s wedding... and I was also on mushrooms” (20:26)).
  • Discusses “post-nut guilt/clarity” for men and contrasts it with women’s post-coital contentment.

• Lauren’s Own Experiences

  • She shares her “revenge sex” phase after her ex cheated, describing a rapid spree of hookups: “I had a stint... where I, like, banged out 10 guys, but those don’t count.” (32:40)
  • Opens up about being loyal in relationships and her sexual history with some famous partners.

• Double Standards & Taboo

  • Lucas muses on how male sexual promiscuity isn’t as “taboo," so it's less thrilling or emotionally complicated for men compared to women.

5. First Date Preferences, Social Dynamics, and Lifestyle

• Preferred Dates

  • Favors dive bars for their low-stakes atmosphere and to avoid projecting extravagance.
    • “I started to do dive bars. Cause I was like, I’m never gonna be at risk of making too luxury of an experience out of something that’s supposed to be casual.” (09:53)

• First Date Behavior

  • Admits he’s more agreeable and less honest on a real first date; “I’ve been honest with you this whole time, and that is not usually what I would bring to a first date” (07:47).

• Jealousy

  • Doesn’t get jealous easily, but has been cheated on.

• Living Arrangements

  • Cohabits with his girlfriend in NYC; his parents and hers (in England) have met.

6. Personal Quirks & Revelations

• Hidden Talents:

  • Lucas was a sponsored teen skier, skilled but hampered by increasing fear as he grew older (24:03).

• Education:

  • Attended Stanford and Williams, MBA before pursuing comedy; his academic background has little bearing on his comedy career.
    • “Being a comedian is kind of like running your own business a little. But like, no, nothing, like, specific I haven’t used.” (25:39)

• Comedy’s Origin Story

  • Began stand-up comedy because the adrenaline helped relieve his constipation:
    • “I started doing stand up because I was constipated and I couldn’t shit. And it was the only thing that scared me enough to shit.” — Lucas (27:09)

7. Religion, Identity, and Family Expectations

• Beliefs
  • Lucas: Not an astrology guy. “I’m not so cocky as to say I don’t [believe in God]... God’s like a convenient word for the unknowing of what’s up” (12:41).
  • Lauren: Believes in God, doesn’t go to church.
• Jewish Upbringing
  • Lucas reflects on feeling “like a Jew” more as an adult outside New York, and jokes about stereotypes.
• Girlfriend’s Conversion
  • His British girlfriend may convert for his family, though it’s more for his parents’ desires (30:22).

8. Notable Lighthearted & Candid Moments

• Both joke warmly about bodily functions before shows—Lucas with pre-set poops, Lauren with air-pees (27:19–28:41).
• Jokes about yoga pants, creeps online, and “post-nut clarity” (22:38–23:36).
• Lighthearted talk about Lauren’s tattoo (a kiss on her butt) and her time at Hooters (43:28–45:23).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Match Tattoos
  • “That was like a real... I’m willing to lock this down and I will show you that by getting a tattoo on my skin.” — Lucas (42:18)
• On Emotional Honesty
  • “I probably am not... I don’t show empathy. I feel empathy, but I don’t show it.” — Lucas (17:07)
• On the Taboo of Returning to an Ex
  • “When I fucked my ex for the first time after our breakup, that was hot. That was hot.” — Lucas (38:48)
• On Comedy and Bodily Functions
  • “I started doing stand up because I was constipated and I couldn’t shit. And it was the only thing that scared me enough to shit.” — Lucas (27:09)
• On Ending a Relationship and Starting Stand-Up
  • Lauren: “That’s when I started stand up... Total midlife crisis.” (36:32)
• On Keeping a Relationship Happy
  • “You definitely have to be fucking... and finding each other hot and like, telling each other that... Also, not keeping score.” — Lucas (40:25)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:41–03:30 — Lucas’s Relationship History: Tattoos, Breakup Cycle, “The One?”
• 08:00–10:00 — First Date Strategy: Agreeability, Dive Bars vs. Fine Dining
• 14:43–16:24 — On Getting Back with an Ex, Communication Patterns
• 17:06–18:10 — On Empathy as a Red Flag
• 19:00–19:52 — On Independence in Relationships
• 20:26–22:00 — Candid Talk About Sex: Risky Places, “Post-Nut Clarity”
• 27:09–28:41 — Comedy Out of Constipation: How Lucas Started Stand-Up
• 32:40–36:00 — Lauren’s Revenge Sex Era and Reflections on Cheating
• 39:52–41:01 — Working Through Old Relationship Baggage After a Reconciliation
• 40:25–41:42 — Advice for Happy Relationships: “No Keeping Score”
• 42:16–43:07 — Most Romantic Gesture: Matching Tattoos
• 44:43–45:23 — Lauren’s Early Jobs: Target, Hooters, Early Tattoo Story

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Overall Tone and Takeaways

The conversation is candid, irreverent, and self-aware—both Lauren and Lucas drop their guard, sharing honest anecdotes about sex, relationships, and personal quirks with plenty of levity. The episode offers a refreshingly real glimpse into the often awkward, vulnerable side of modern dating and love, as experienced by two people who approach life—and comedy—with integrity and wit.

If you want to understand the comedic mind, the complications of rekindled romances, and the importance of not taking yourself too seriously in life or relationships, this episode hits the spot.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First Date. What's up, you guys? Welcome to another show of First Date. My guest today is on tour all over America. You can get tickets at www.comlucaszelnick.com give it up for Lucas Zelnick.

[B]

It's a pleasure to be here.

[A]

Thank you for coming on.

[B]

Thank you for. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Thanks for dating me.

[A]

No problem. How many dates have you. Do you have a girlfriend?

[B]

I do.

[A]

How long have you been together this time?

[B]

Two years.

[A]

Oh, you've been off and on once.

[B]

We got together three months, got matching tattoos, broke up eight months, got back together two years. Now we're solid.

[A]

Have you gotten another tattoo since then?

[B]

No.

[A]

Are you. Are you going to.

[B]

No.

[A]

What was the tattoo of?

[B]

It's like two people on a beach. It's cute. It's cute.

[A]

Can I see it?

[B]

Yeah. Let me see. Let's see if this. Okay. Can you see? Fuck. Fuck. This is the worst date ever.

[A]

At least it wasn't a beer. There's not a party foul.

[B]

Here we go. Here we go.

[A]

Oh, that is cute.

[B]

I'm put a little moisture on there so it gets darker.

[A]

Oh, that is cute.

[B]

It's nicely done.

[A]

Is that you guys that.

[B]

Originally it was, and then it wasn't, and now it is again. You know what I mean?

[A]

Did you get that tattoo in Venice?

[B]

No, California. But we did get it in Los Angeles. California.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause I feel like that would. Cause that's the beach, right?

[B]

Yeah. There's other beaches.

[A]

I know, but I don't know.

[B]

Nothing about it is Venice other than it's people on a beach. But you were right. So then. So, yeah, you were right. Are you enjoying this so far?

[A]

I am. I am enjoying this. It's rare that I would help you clean that up, but I can't. I can't.

[B]

It's okay. You don't even have to say you would help me clean it up. It was pretty clear from your body language you had no interest in doing that, which is okay. It's not your job. I spilled it. I pulled my arm out like it was a dick. It was crazy.

[A]

I love that they came in here and handed you a roll of paper towels and they didn't clean it.

[B]

We're in a gigantic studio. There's a staff of 2,000 people. And then they were just like, here. Yeah. Yeah. But I guess they didn't want to come on camera.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

Then they'd have to sign a release. Okay.

[A]

All right. So now that you have this, by the way, that is the cleanest that this table has ever been.

[B]

Yeah, I probably wiped some shit off.

[A]

I've had this show for, like, two years, and I don't think this table's ever been cleaned, so. Thank you.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

So now you've been together for two years, and where do you live now?

[B]

New York City.

[A]

Does she live with you?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You guys live together?

[B]

We do.

[A]

Okay. Is she the one?

[B]

That's good. That's good.

[A]

Is she the one?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna ask her to marry you?

[B]

Mm.

[A]

How are you gonna ask her?

[B]

Oh, I can't say.

[A]

She won't watch this. No one watches your show.

[B]

I think if she. She'll. Here's the thing. Did you say no one watches the show? You know what I've found with podcasts is absolutely no one hears them other than the last person you want to hear them. I've put out pods that have, like, 300 views on them, and you still get a text from your ex girlfriend being like, how dare you? And you're like, no one heard this except for you. Except for you. So if I tell you how I would propose to my girlfriend, I guarantee she'd be the only person to hear that.

[A]

What if you. What if we. What if you told me two different ways that you would propose and one of them is how you would really do it and the other one. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, two truths and a lie of proposal situations.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, I also. I don't know, but, like, she. I know. Here's some things I know that she wants and doesn't. One is, like, she wants maybe, like, a surprise dive bar Y vibe maybe where, like, all of our friends are there waiting for us. She doesn't want it, like, professionally photographed or filmed and. But she does want, like, maybe some footage of it that looks unprofessional. Like someone really far away.

[A]

Cam.

[B]

Yeah, that kind of thing. She probably doesn't want something like crazy destination, but she. She would want to be, like, legitimately surprised. I don't really. I think, like, somewhere in New York City that she likes that's, like, significant to our relationship.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Is one option. Or then now I have to make up, like, a clear lie one. Or I could, like, do it at a. I could take her to a sports game and put it on the jumbo chart. She's a Yankees fan.

[A]

Oh, yeah. What if you did it at a Coldplay concert?

[B]

Oh, okay. Kind of like a Reverse.

[A]

The reverse.

[B]

Right, right, right thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But it was, like, real that you guys.

[B]

She is British, so Coldplay is like. I think she likes that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

So you could do it at a jump with a Ju. Jumbotron.

[B]

Yeah, I could do a jumbotron proposal.

[A]

Mm. Or you could reenact your first date. What was your first date?

[B]

First date was at a dive bar. It was at a bar called the Gutter in New York City, which is a comedy venue, actually, but that's not why I took her there. They also bowling, and.

[A]

That sounds fun.

[B]

It was cute. But she wouldn't bowl with me, so we just ended up getting beers, hanging out, and then a lot of comedians that I.

[A]

So why didn't she bowl?

[B]

I don't. I think she has weak risks. Wrists. This is. I'll say this, I don't feel I'm doing a good job so far. Yeah. This is feeling like a first date in a real way in that it's fraught.

[A]

I think it's great.

[B]

Okay, good.

[A]

I'm having the time of my life.

[B]

I'm glad.

[A]

I went bowling on a date one time and I didn't bowl, and I said that it was because I had weak wrists. You said that I did.

[B]

Is that true?

[A]

I do have weak wrists, but they're not weak enough that I can't bowl.

[B]

Sure, sure. They're not going to, like, break.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I'm going to lose my hand.

[B]

If I throw the ball right.

[A]

But, yeah, I just didn't want to bowl, and so I used.

[B]

I think people don't want to bowl. That's, like, one thing I've noticed about bowling is that people don't want to do it.

[A]

The only people that want to do it are either in cults or old.

[B]

Sure, sure. Christians and old people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, sorry to come at you like that. I know I'm in Texas, so you're probably. Are you like, God?

[A]

I think God's pretty cool.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Are you, like, actually, like.

[A]

I don't go to church.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I believe in God.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No one cares.

[B]

That's like Texas normal.

[A]

I just lost two in New York. You're, like, the only people that watch this show. I just lost them.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. There's only, like, four people, and I'm sure that they're not Christians.

[B]

Okay. Okay. But I don't. You didn't, like, come at them?

[A]

How did you meet your girlfriend?

[B]

We went on a date at a bowling alley.

[A]

No. How'd you Meet on a dating app.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Dating app. Dating app. But we had mutual friends, but we found that out after we met.

[A]

Suddenly, I feel like I'm not doing a good job.

[B]

No, no, no, it's okay. We're gonna get this back.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. So, you know, what we might learn about each other is just we don't have emotional compatibility. I don't know if that's true of us. I'm just saying that's okay. That could be, like, one of the options for where this podcast goes.

[A]

I feel like if we dig deep enough, we can actually get back to where we started.

[B]

Isn't the purpose of this pod is you deciding if I get a second date with you? Is that okay?

[A]

I want to find out what it's like to date you.

[B]

I see. I see. I see.

[A]

I want to know, from a girl's perspective what it would be like to.

[B]

Go on a date with you.

[A]

To go on a date with you.

[B]

Understood. Okay, let me try it. Let me start over, because I've been honest with you this whole time, and that is not usually what I would bring to a first date.

[A]

I'm so glad that you say that, because it's really not what anyone brings to a first date.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. I'm much more agreeable on a first date.

[A]

Okay. Where do you go typically on a first date?

[B]

I would say typically, like, dive bar that has good drinks and maybe just.

[A]

What about dive bars that you like so much?

[B]

Well, I took one time. I took a woman. I wouldn't say girl. Just want you to know that.

[A]

Did she have a mom? Was she a mom?

[B]

No. Is that where girls become women in your mind?

[A]

I mean. No, I just. It's like, when I think of a woman, I think of someone who's, like, in their late 30s.

[B]

Are you a woman or a girl?

[A]

I'm a woman.

[B]

You're a woman?

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, 38.

[B]

Okay. That's okay.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Still, you're doing great.

[A]

So you went out with a woman?

[B]

She was a girl. By your definition. She was, like, so much younger than you. Oh. Which was hot and. Kidding. Kidding.

[A]

Okay, so she's a girl.

[B]

She was a girl, but I took her out and.

[A]

To a dive bar?

[B]

No, I took her to a restaurant that was, like, near my house. Cause it looked good, and I walked by it all the time, but I didn't really do any, like, digging into what it was. And then when we sat down, I realized it was like a Prefix. Dinner menu. Two and a half hour, $350 Michelin star dining experience. And I had to be like, I can't wait for this. Yeah. I had to. No, no, no, no, no, that's okay. I had to navigate like the conversation of like, I didn't mean to take you somewhere this nice, but not because I'm not interested. I just wouldn't take anyone. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's kind of a weird first date vibe to take someone. Like to take someone somewhere beautiful.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's usually like where you go for a birthday or something like that.

[B]

100%. And everyone else there was like celebrating something. And we were there just meeting each other.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And she didn't like that. She thought I was trying to show off or like show her that I had money or something like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I wasn't. I was just trying to go somewhere that was convenient occasionally. Yeah. So then I started to do dive bars. Cause I was like, I'm never gonna be at risk of like making too luxury of an experience out of something that's like supposed to be casual.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How long do you wait until you say I love you?

[B]

I don't say I love you unless I feel like I need to say it. If it feels like it's coming out, you gotta kinda. I think when it starts to feel like it's coming out of your mouth, you have like two weeks to wait. Yeah. Like two weeks to pick the right time.

[A]

I see.

[B]

But like eventually it's gonna slip out when you're drinking or something. So you gotta like get it out intentionally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Rather than have it slip out and then you have to talk about it, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Have you been in a lot of long term relationships?

[B]

No. This one, my last one. And then I was in a high school relationship, if that counts. That was like.

[A]

I think it counts.

[B]

It was like two, maybe two and a half years. So I've been in like two. I've been in three relationships in the two plus year range.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So I've spent like six, maybe eight years of my life in relationships.

[A]

Wow. Has your girlfriend met your parents?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Did he like her?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where do your parents live?

[B]

New York.

[A]

Have you met her parents?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Do they live in New York?

[B]

They live in England.

[A]

Oh. You did say she is British. She's really British.

[B]

She's British. I feel like British people live in England. That's like one of the number one things about them. But that doesn't make her like really British. She's like not. She's actually not really British. Although she might not like me saying that she's proud to be British, but, like, it's not.

[A]

Does she have an accent?

[B]

Yeah, but it's worn off a little. She's been in America, like, 10 years.

[A]

Okay. Have you met her parents?

[B]

I have. You just asked me that.

[A]

No, I asked if she met yours.

[B]

And then you asked me if I met hers, and then you said, where do they live?

[A]

No, I asked did I.

[B]

Or did I run the tape? Run the tape.

[A]

I feel like I just asked where they lived, but maybe I didn't.

[B]

It's okay. Mom did it. You know what? I'm doing the thing now that I wouldn't do on a first date, but it's because I know that you're a mother, so it's like, I can't. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not, like, treating you like I would treat someone I was trying to sleep with. Not that that wouldn't be why I wouldn't try and sleep with you is because you're a mother. I wouldn't try and sleep with you because I'm in a relationship, as are you.

[A]

You're a good person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let'S. Do you believe in astrology?

[B]

No.

[A]

Do you believe in God?

[B]

I'm not so cocky as to say I don't.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, I think it's crazy when people are like, no way. I believe for sure we don't even possess one. One millionth of the intellectual or emotional capacity to understand why we're here, what's going on. And I don't know if that's God or what it is, but God's like, a convenient word for the unknowing of what's up. I believe that there's something is up and we can't understand it.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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[B]

Wonderful.

[A]

I haven't even referred to my menu in quite some time.

[B]

No, we've been doing so well without.

[A]

Do you get jealous easily? No, not at all.

[B]

No. But I have been cheated on, so.

[A]

That sucks that I would. You ever go back to an ex?

[B]

Yeah. Well, I literally have this one. This girl's my ex. Was my ex.

[A]

Did you date anyone in between?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Does she know?

[B]

Mm. Be crazy if this is how I told her.

[A]

I know. I love the tea.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So.

[B]

So did she.

[A]

Was it just like, a rebound? How did you guys get back together?

[B]

She was pretty persistent.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Mm. Mm.

[A]

She had to get you back. Was she, like, dming you? Was she texting you? She texted me like, five times in the eight months.

[B]

Mm. She texted me like, a little less than once a month.

[A]

What was she saying?

[B]

Just like, check. Like, oh. It was always some bullshit. You know what I mean? It was always some like. Like, things, like, reason. She didn't really need to reach out. She's like, one time she was like, oh, I see that. There's a comedy show and it says, like, Lucas is on the lineup, and I wanted to know if it was you. Cause I was gonna go, but I'm not gonna go if it's you. Shit like that. And I was like, it's me. Like, there's not that many comedians named Lucas in New York.

[A]

And then did she go?

[B]

No, but I was like, you can go if you want. And that was. You know what I mean? Those were, like, the interactions.

[A]

Okay. Has she ever traveled with you?

[B]

Mm.

[A]

How is that, like, touring? Yeah.

[B]

Good. She gets it. I think, Like, I think when I'm touring, I want someone to understand when I have to go. Go on work mode and not take offense to that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But also be supportive if I want the support. She strikes that balance.

[A]

Well, what is your biggest red flag?

[B]

I probably am like, too. I'm always like, on problem solving mode, but it's not a great connection with making people feel emotionally better about a situation. Does that make sense?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, someone's like, oh, I'm feeling really shitty because this thing happened, and I'm like, well, the good news is that thing doesn't even bear on, like, you know, I'm like, already doing that thing instead of just being like, I hear you. That sucks. I'm sorry that you feel bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm like, I probably am not. Like, I'm not great. I'm not. I don't show empathy. I feel that. I feel empathy, but I don't feel. I show it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I get that from me.

[A]

I can.

[B]

Or you understand?

[A]

No, I've met people that are like that, and I think sometimes it's a diff. It's. It's like a reflex almost. Because if you can shine a light on something else in a way, that does kind of help.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

You know, where instead of just being like, I'm sorry, I hear you, and you, like, establish that they're sad and you agree with it. I sometimes do the same thing where I'm like, well, you know what? On the bright side.

[B]

Right, Right. And sometimes that's not what people need. Sometimes people need you to be like, oh, like, that fucking sucks. Like, I don't like to. If someone's like, oh, this, like, really unfair thing happened to me, I don't like to be like, yeah, that's so unfair. Like, you're such a. I don't like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I just don't do that. But sometimes people need that, and that's reasonable.

[A]

They want you to, like, have the pity party with them. I get that.

[B]

Yeah. So that's probably my biggest red flag, because I know that it's a need in a relationship sometime, but I just don't feel like really serving it.

[A]

What's your biggest pet peeve?

[B]

Biggest pet peeve in a relationship?

[A]

Mmm.

[B]

Trying to think. I have a lot. I don't like. I don't like when people are constantly mad at me.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that sucks.

[B]

But, like, I don't mean, like, mad at me in it. Like, I don't like when I'm just, like, doing my thing and people take. Like, I want a little space to operate without people who I'm dating taking that personally or to be about them. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I need a little bit of independence and someone that's always like, why won't you do this with me? Or, why won't you do that? With me, I get a little bit, like. Cause I also need some time to do me stuff.

[A]

Are you a clean person? Like you. Do you ever have dirty dishes in your sink?

[B]

I'm not gonna lie. She does the dishes.

[A]

Okay. Do you cook?

[B]

She does that.

[A]

Do you do laundry?

[B]

Sometimes. Yeah. We have a housekeeper.

[A]

Oh, nice. Do you drive a car?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is it clean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is there anything in the backseat?

[B]

Yeah, like a vanity mug. Some comedy club gave me some shit like that, but nothing like. It's not, like, food or clothes.

[A]

So you're clean.

[B]

You're clean. I'm pretty clean. Yeah. I keep the house pretty clean.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

If I can.

[A]

When you have sex, do you have the lights on or off? Either music on or off.

[B]

The sex we have is, like, really good. I can do it in any set of circumstances.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Do you like music on?

[B]

I don't think to turn it on. Cause I think it's kind of, like, cheesy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it takes me out of the moment that I'm, like, setting the scene. But if it's already on, great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or if the TV's already on. Sometimes I turn the TV off if it's on.

[A]

Have you ever had sex in a risky place?

[B]

Mm. I had sex in the bathroom of my friend's wedding, like, two weeks ago. Sorry. Look at the camera for that. Which friend was that? I think it was Riley. Riley, I think I had sex in the bathroom at your wedding. Sorry.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

But it was cool.

[A]

Love was in the air.

[B]

I came and I was also on mushrooms. And I came and I felt, like, really guilty.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I don't know. I think it was, like, post nut guilt. Not guilt, clarity. Because there was no, but, like, shame. Like, I was like, oh, why did I. I felt so. Like. I felt like a little whore.

[A]

I feel like you should have more shame if you don't nut.

[B]

Yeah, I think I felt.

[A]

Well, wouldn't that suck more?

[B]

Yeah, but I don't know if that nutting. There's, like, a weird evolutionary shame that comes over a man who just nutted. You know this, I'm sure. And we don't, like, turn to women and say that, but that's. That's the thing that we do.

[A]

I've never heard this.

[B]

You've never even heard of post nut clarity.

[A]

No, that I've heard of.

[B]

You can hear a producer in the back.

[A]

Clarity. Yeah, but shame?

[B]

Yeah, it's the same thing. Clarity is, like, a very vague word for what we experience as soon as we bust a nut. There's a real feeling of, like, guilt and shame and like, who am I? And yeah, it's like, really? It's not great. Oh, yeah. What do you guys feel like after you bust in the rare times that you bus?

[A]

I'm like, ready for a nap.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah. You guys are, like, cozy.

[A]

Yeah, I feel great. Yeah. I'm like, oh, that was wonderful. And then like, I want a cup of coffee. Or, you know, back in my younger days, I'd, like, actually have a cigarette. Be like, I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette.

[B]

Oh, a cigarette.

[A]

Yeah. Don't post this as a promo. My mom will shoot me. But yeah, that used to be, like, my thing.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Find out. I'm just like, what? Like, who's?

[A]

Like, no, I feel good.

[B]

I feel like I can write. I mean, if I have, like, normal sex.

[A]

Go work out.

[B]

You work out after sex?

[A]

Yeah. I feel like, very relieved and I can actually like.

[B]

But aren't you, like. Isn't there shit coming out of you?

[A]

There's a little cum.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Well, yoga pants absorb everything.

[B]

That's alright.

[A]

They're pretty moist most of the time.

[B]

Yoga pants?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, you get all these creeps online. They're like, send me your underwear. No one. None of these creeps have caught on to the yoga pants.

[B]

Oh, I thought you were gonna be like, none of these creeps actually want what's in my underwear.

[A]

They want the things on the outside.

[B]

They think they want your underwear and then they get it and they're like, it's another guy's cum.

[A]

Gross.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's disgusting.

[B]

Yeah. So PSA to the creeps who want Lauren's underwear. It's actually. You don't have the pants.

[A]

I do.

[B]

It's her husband's cum in her underwear. Does that sound good to you?

[A]

No.

[B]

That's what I thought. So keep that in mind.

[A]

Thank you for that.

[B]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[A]

You just saved me a lot of time responding to messages that I don't care about.

[B]

Hell yeah, you respond to those. That's insane. Hey, no, I'm. No, I'm not gonna do that. But thank you for reaching out. Please support.

[A]

Do you have any hidden talents?

[B]

I'm a good skier.

[A]

That's a great talent.

[B]

I ski. I was like a sponsored teen skier.

[A]

You look like Shaun White.

[B]

I've gotten that before. Especially when I was younger. I had, like, really long hair when he did.

[A]

I can see that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why don't you ski anymore?

[B]

No, I do. I just can't I'm not, like, professional. I just. I wasn't good enough to stay at the level I was at.

[A]

But you were sponsored.

[B]

I was really good. But then, like, fear crept into my mind, like, as my brain developed.

[A]

Were you going, like, down Black Diamonds or something? I don't even know what that means. I've never been skiing.

[B]

Yeah, I was going down Black Diamonds or something like that.

[A]

Okay. Like, isn't that like a steep hill?

[B]

Mm, yeah. You got it.

[A]

Yeah. Fuck that.

[B]

Yeah. I would go down steep hills. I would jump off things, do tricks and stuff. And then when. When my brain started developing more, I was like, ooh. Like, I just had a lot more reservation about doing that because it's, like, physically dangerous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that caught up with me mentally. And then I was not as good. Cause I had fear. But like, a lot of the best skiers just, like, don't. It's like that guy, Alex Honnold. You know, the free climber? Free solo. Oh, yeah, that guy. So like, that guy's got like. It's like a special type of autism where he can't feel fear or something. Like they did like a CAT scan of his brain and he has, like, no amygdala or some shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So he's like, physically and incapable of feeling fear. So, like, a lot of the best action sports athletes have that wrong with them and I don't. I feel fear.

[A]

Yeah, I do too. Do you. Did you go to a normal school?

[B]

I went to an elite private institution.

[A]

Did you really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where did you go?

[B]

I went to Stanford and Williams College.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I got my MBA before I became a comedian.

[A]

What did you study?

[B]

Undergrad was English and economics. Graduate school was business.

[A]

Have you ever used those?

[B]

No.

[A]

Do you think you ever will?

[B]

No. I mean, being a comedian is kind of like running your own business a little.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

But like, no, nothing, like, specific I haven't used.

[A]

What's your goal with comedy?

[B]

I don't know. I really didn't think I would get this far, to be honest. So.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[B]

Yeah, I just started doing it. Cause I was like. I've had different goals at different times. Like, when I first did standup, I was bad, but I knew I could be good. So my goal was just to be as good as I wanted to be in my mind. Do you know what I mean? So then when I got there where I was like, okay, this finally sounds like the way that I would talk to my friends. Then my next goal was to be better than that. And now it's. I don't know. I don't know. I don't set goals because it's such a risky job. I'm like, I don't want to compare. Everything I've been able to achieve would have been probably beyond a goal that I could set. So I don't want to set, like, goals that are too low, but I also don't want to set, like, delusional goals.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

You like a standard. You have a standard of where you.

[B]

Want to be or just. I want to be like, further. I just want it to keep moving in a direction. I don't want it to, like, plateau or stagnate.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. How did you get into stand up?

[B]

Honestly, I started doing. I was interested in comedy, like. Cause funny was like, how I socially identified. But I started doing stand up because I was constipated and I couldn't shit. And it was the only thing that scared me enough to shit. Yeah. For real? Yeah.

[A]

Did you. Did you finally go to the bathroom after the first time?

[B]

I fucking ripped it. Yeah. I still rip it like every show.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It scares me every time.

[B]

I get constant. Yeah. To a certain. Enough to make me shit. Yeah. And then if I don't have shows for like a week, I get constipated.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like spinach.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

High fiber. Who knew?

[B]

Yeah. I think a lot of comedians shit before sets, but, like, most of them don't have like a, like a physical problem that makes that required. But I do.

[A]

I always have to pee before I go on stage.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

But I've never taken a shit.

[B]

Well, a little bit of pee is good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just for. To hold onto when you go up there.

[A]

I've heard that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't do it.

[B]

Oh, you always go.

[A]

I will stand there and cross my legs. Yeah, always. And I will pee like one minute before. Like, they'll be like, you're next. And I'm like, right, right, right, right to the bathroom.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. And even if I don't have to pee, I have to, like, pull my pants down and air pee.

[B]

And you'll pull your pants down and fake pee if I tell yourself that. You try.

[A]

I will never not. I will never go on stage without hitting the bathroom.

[B]

But sometimes you try to pee and you can't.

[A]

Yeah. So it's not serious.

[B]

You're like piss constipated.

[A]

Yeah, kinda. I call it air pee.

[B]

I don't think. Okay, great. That's something you do.

[A]

Yeah. But you're Making me feel weird about that when you're the one that's taking shits.

[B]

I'm really pooping though.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

I'm not going in there. Like, sorry. Not that that's what you look like, but I'm really giving it. Yeah, I'm actually doing that shit.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you ever watch south park growing up? Were you like a South park or a Simpsons or like a Family Guy?

[B]

South Park, Family Guy. I liked both.

[A]

Yeah. Which character do you relate to the most?

[B]

Which one's the Jew? Kyle, I think.

[A]

Kyle.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a Jew.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

Yeah. But I will say, when I grew up, Christians were kind of our Jews because I grew up in New York and went to like a predominantly Jewish school. So, like, everyone was a Jew. So, like, Christians were our Jews. We'd be like, oh, you're a Christian. But then I got out of there and I was like, oh, I feel like a Jew. It took a while. I didn't feel like a Jew till I was like 18.

[A]

What made you feel like a Jew?

[B]

When everyone's like, you're a fucking Jew. Like, you can't even be greedy anymore because everyone's like, that's a thing that you guys do. And I'm like, okay, so you just.

[A]

Have to be more generous or what?

[B]

Yeah. You have to do a lot of things to combat what they think a Jew is like. But when you're younger, everyone's acting like a Jew, which you don't know at the time. They're just acting like them and you're acting like you. Turns out you're all acting like Jews. And it takes being around Christian people to learn that.

[A]

Is your girlfriend Jewish?

[B]

No, but she will convert.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

I don't care. But my parents do.

[A]

They do?

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, my parents like that shit a lot.

[A]

So she has to convert for you guys to get married?

[B]

She doesn't have to, but my parents like that shit.

[A]

Have you seen that show? Nobody wants this.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Is that what this is like?

[B]

That's what. I watched it with her, like season one, and I was like, dude, Jews are not like that. And she was like, yeah, they are. And I was like, okay, I guess that's your right.

[A]

But maybe she can see something that you can't.

[B]

Unquestionably. Which is why I was like, fine, if you think they're like that, then I guess we are.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But now it's like my friend, he was like, trying to get the apple this is like, what I think happens with Jews is, like, he was trying to get the Apple TV working, and he couldn't get it working. And he handed me the remote and he's like, yo, could you use your Jew powers on this? And I'm like, I'm just good at Apple. Like, I know my login. I don't think that makes me look a Jew. You know what I mean? But, like, people will always just, like, throw.

[A]

Like, it's strange to think about things like that. Cause I never know my login and I'm not Jewish.

[B]

Okay, so you think I have Jew powers?

[A]

I mean, it's okay to say, you know all your logins.

[B]

I know my logins.

[A]

Do all Jews know their logins?

[B]

I don't know. Shout us out in the comments. Wow.

[A]

I need to know.

[B]

Yeah, I could see you being, like, led by a cult leader.

[A]

I would be so easy.

[B]

Yeah, you could be like one of those. Who's Keith Ranieri? What was that called? Keith Ranieri's one. Do you know Keith Ranieri?

[A]

I don't, but, like, I'd be Amish.

[B]

Okay. That's kind of different, but sure.

[A]

Amish is a cult kind of, right?

[B]

Um, I don't know.

[A]

I think. I think. I mean, they're like.

[B]

I don't know if, like, anyone's necessarily like. I feel like one of the things.

[A]

About cults is, like, I don't like sex. Cults are all cults. Sex cults.

[B]

Nexium. That's right. I think a lot of cults are sex or money related.

[A]

That wouldn't work for me.

[B]

You don't think you could fuck, like, an unfuckable guy because he's a cult leader?

[A]

That 100% would be me out the door.

[B]

You'd be out the door.

[A]

I'd be gone.

[B]

Are you picky with who you have sex with?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. You don't have a high body count?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. Is it very low?

[A]

It is quite low.

[B]

How low?

[A]

Well, I had a stint of, like, where I, like, banged out 10 guys, but those don't count. I was going through a divorce and he cheated on me, so. So I just called every guy that I could think of that had asked me out, which was only, like, 10 guys. And I just very quickly just. You fucked them all in, like, a week. And then I, like, didn't have sex with any. And, like, I had sex with, like, two more people the rest of my life.

[B]

Do you think that was nice for the guys or do you think that's.

[A]

Oh, no, it wasn't supposed to be nice. It was just revenge sex.

[B]

No, no, no, I know, but do you think the guys who were fucking you were like, this is good, or were they like, oh, she's like, clearly going through something and I'm being kind of used as a pause.

[A]

I was definitely going through something.

[B]

Were you like, crying as you fucked up?

[A]

No, but I was like, drunk. I had. I was like. I had like cigarettes and champagne all over my place. And then like, I remember this one guy, he was like a famous actor, and he came over and I banged him. And right afterwards he was like, hey, I just want you to know that I don't like, want anything serious. I know you're going through something and I just want you to know that this was just sex for me. And I was like, that's totally fine. I need you to leave because someone else is coming over right now.

[B]

And then you fuck someone consecutively right after. Who was after? The famous actor.

[A]

Hold on. So then the famous actor was shocked and he was like, oh. Cause he thought he was gonna just like hang out. And I was like, no, you actually have to go because I'm on. We're. The clock's ticking. Like, I've got a mission here.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I had already texted someone else and was like, come over. So then that guy left. And for like two years, that guy barked up my tree and was like, regretted saying that he didn't want anything.

[B]

Oh, he's like, he. Because you were the first woman to ever show him that level of disagreement and non sexual.

[A]

Stop. He tried to.

[B]

Like, he didn't even know you. You were a fantasy in his mind of what could have been because you were the first person to not be.

[A]

Under his throne and he was gone.

[B]

Wow. Can you say who it was? Off, off.

[A]

Can we bleep this afterwards? I'll tell you who it was. Yeah, all right.

[B]

I'm curious. I just don't want to go through the rest of this fucking combo not knowing, but it's fine. Whatever. So you. Is that the most famous guy you fucked?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, can you tell me the most famous guy you fucked after? I'm not gonna do anything.

[A]

Trying to think of who who is. I mean, I've.

[B]

You have a long, famous hit list.

[A]

No, I've had sex with like three famous people. Famous, famous, famous people.

[B]

Okay, let's. We should talk about it after.

[A]

Okay, I'll be sure to tell you.

[B]

Okay. Okay, cool. I'm excited to learn. Yeah, I mean, I get that if you're like super famous. And then. Because then any woman you fuck, you're kind of expecting them to be like going crazy over you. And then if they're not, it's probably a bit of a hit to the ego.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

Were the famous guys good fucks?

[A]

Yes, all of them. All of the guys, except for one that I had sex with were awesome.

[B]

Every single person in your life you've had sex with was great.

[A]

No, no, I'm just. Out of ten.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Out of the tent.

[B]

Oh. Nine of them were great.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

But I was also married for seven years and my sex life sucked. So maybe I'm also just amplifying.

[B]

I see you were married twice.

[A]

I. This is my second marriage.

[B]

Okay, got it. So you were married the first time. Seven years was the whole relationship and you guys weren't fucking and he was cheating on you?

[A]

No, we were having sex, but it wasn't great.

[B]

Got it. Was it ever good?

[A]

It was in the beginning and then.

[B]

The spark just died.

[A]

Died.

[B]

And then he cheated. You didn't cheat?

[A]

He cheated on me. I caught him cheating.

[B]

And you never. Oh, you caught him cheating? I did. Do your listeners know this?

[A]

I think so. Don't they know I've told this story? Yeah.

[B]

I don't want it. We don't have to run over.

[A]

Yeah, I caught him cheating.

[B]

Damn. Did you? Yeah. And you didn't like that?

[A]

No, I wasn't two days later.

[B]

Yeah, you weren't like that.

[A]

And that's when I started stand up.

[B]

Oh, I see. It was kind of a midlife crisis for you.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

Okay, interesting. But you. But you never cheated?

[A]

No.

[B]

You've never cheated on anyone in your life?

[A]

No, I'm crazy loyal.

[B]

Okay. Nice. That's good.

[A]

Yeah, that's good.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

So I have a low body count. Aside from those 10, it's only been like five.

[B]

That's still not bad. Fifteen total. Yeah, it's really. It's more like, I guess, body count. It should be like. It should be. It should be like miles per hour. You know what I mean? It should be like bodies per day. Yeah, like body count is kind of. If you were single like 80 years, then like an 80 person body count's not that crazy. It's like one a year. But like 10 guys, 10 days is like horror behavior.

[A]

It is horror behavior, which is good. I agree though.

[B]

There's no problem with horror behavior.

[A]

You know, if you. If that's what you're after.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then that's different. But it's not like I was just like, out partying. And I was just like, it's gotta.

[B]

Be kinda freeing if you're like a little bit horned up and you've had like a bad sex life and your pussy's been kind of on the shelf, so to speak, and then you get kinda like the perfect excuse to go fuck a lot of guys and just get like, stuff.

[A]

I'm so glad you see me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Have you ever had horror behavior?

[B]

For sure. For sure. But I think for guys it's not as. Here's the thing is, like, stuff is hottest when there's a bit of a taboo around it. And I've never felt like there was a taboo around being a whore for me. So it's never been, like, hot to go fuck strangers. Because I feel like there's no societal pressure saying I can't do that. So there's nothing empowering about it for me. It's just something I've done before. And also, I've found that being inside a perfect stranger is not that fun for me.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

No, you're just kinda like. They turn around and it's like a jump scare. Cause you forgot what their face looked like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? And then they're leaving and you have three name options in your head for what they could be called. And so you just say goodbye. Cause you're not sure what their name is.

[A]

I get that.

[B]

So I've done that a couple times. I definitely.

[A]

What is a taboo, if that's not. What's a taboo to you?

[B]

I mean, I'll tell you this. When I fucked my ex for the first time after our breakup, that was hot. That was hot.

[A]

It was great.

[B]

It was so good because I had told myself, you're never going back there. And then it was just like one of those things where, like, you're fighting it and you're fighting it, and then when you let it happen, you're like, okay, this is really hot. Cause I was. I was so. I had put so much importance on myself not doing that that by the time I did, I was like, let's go.

[A]

Were you, like, totally back in it after that?

[B]

No, no. It was a pretty rocky road from there.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because we. Cause when you get back with an ex, you gotta, like, get. If you're really gonna get back for a couple weeks. It was chill. Here's the thing. I was angry about her, or. Sorry. I was angry at her about the relationship that we had had before we broke up.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

So at first it was chill. Cause it was Low stakes. And, like, neither of us had really caught that many feelings again. Like, we'd both kind of gotten over it to a certain extent.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

But as I started to catch feelings again, my anger about the last relationship started coming out towards her.

[A]

That makes sense.

[B]

And so that was a bit rocky to work through that, like, to find the right way to process it and talk about it. And, you know, it's like you're angry at someone, but if you want to be with them, you kind of got to figure that out. Because if you're angry enough at them, you just don't. You won't be with them. But then it's weird to be, like, angry at them, but you want to be with them. Then it's, like, tough.

[A]

What is the key to keeping a relationship happy?

[B]

Mmm. I don't know. But you definitely have to be fucking. That's important. I think fucking a fair amount is important. And finding each other hot and, like, telling each other that. And then I think, like, being kind to each other, not keeping score on each other. The worst months, you know when you have an argument and you're like, you didn't do this. And then they're like, well, you didn't do that. And you're like, okay, we gotta, like, unwind this tit for tat. Like, the tit for tat shit's really bad. So the months that you can, like, be kind to each other without racking up every time they piss you off or, like, do something that bothers you, I think that's important, you know?

[A]

Tit for tat, I think is a really bad thing to get into because it makes you shut down. Like, people always say that communication is so important. But if you shut down, if you're always doing. If you try to talk to someone about something that's bothering you, and then they're like, well, you did this.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Then you just stop talking. You're like, well, then I'm not gonna tell you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How I feel.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're never gonna receive it.

[B]

Yeah. You wanna be able to feel like you can say something to someone and there's not gonna just be some immediate defense.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because then you can't feel heard. And you also are like, well, I don't even wanna tell this person what I'm thinking because then they're just gonna fucking come at me about something that they've been holding on to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That sucks.

[A]

I agree. Well, I guess to end on a positive note, on, like, a happy note.

[B]

Are we done already?

[A]

Yeah. The podcast. My last question. How long.

[B]

How long are these episodes?

[A]

This has been 45 minutes.

[B]

Oh, look at that. I guess I was thinking about me and having spilled the water for the first 10. Yeah, but it's good. Good.

[A]

Okay. So what is the most romantic thing you've ever done for a girl?

[B]

I mean, I think getting a matching tattoo is pretty romantic.

[A]

That is romantic.

[B]

Yeah. That was like a real. It was a bit manic, but it was a real. Like, I'm willing to lock this down and I will show you that by getting a tattoo on my skin.

[A]

But it only lasted two months or eight months.

[B]

Yeah, but that. No, it lasted like two more months after we got the matching tattoos. But now we're back together. But that was not my choice. I would have stayed. I got broken up with after that time.

[A]

Why did she leave you?

[B]

I don't know. That one's complicated. You might have to ask her. She was going through some shit. I think the bottom line was, like, she was a little fresh out of a long term relationship that she wasn't quite. She needed to get some closure on before she was ready to start another serious relationship.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

That'd be my guess.

[A]

But she got a tattoo.

[B]

She did. I think she felt really strongly about me, but I think there was some shit she hadn't processed and it started feeling intense and she didn't know how to sorta figure out all those conflicting emotions and she ran away for a little bit.

[A]

Were the tattoos impulsive?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you just decided.

[B]

But so is every tattoo. Do you have any?

[A]

I have one.

[B]

What was it?

[A]

It's a kiss on my butt.

[B]

It's a K. Like a lipstick. Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why'd you get that? Was it after your divorce?

[A]

No. I had just turned 18.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I literally could do whatever I wanted to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I went and got a kiss on my ass.

[B]

Right. I mean, every tattoo story is like that. Even a sad tattoo. It's like my brother had just died. It's like, okay, but these are all impulsive decisions.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How about, like, you know what? I have an idea for everyone getting, like a tattoo in memoriam of their loved one that died. Why don't you just process the grief?

[A]

Yeah, I agree.

[B]

You don't have to run to the parlor.

[A]

Yeah. And get like the.

[B]

Yeah. Every tattoo I have, it's like. Yeah. It's like never been for, like a good. I've never been like, oh, you know why I got that tattoo? I was in such a good headspace.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cause you were Just like, fuck this, I'm free.

[A]

I can go get a kiss tattoo on my ass.

[B]

But you still didn't fuck a lot of people.

[A]

No.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

No.

[B]

Kiss on the ass I would assume.

[A]

Is like, well, the tattoo artist assumed the same thing too. He was like, so are you a stripper?

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And I was like, no, no. He was like, porn star. I was like, no.

[B]

How did you get. What were you. What was your. What was your job before all this?

[A]

When I was 18.

[B]

Sure. Or like, what was your first job? Like, when were you first.

[A]

My first job ever was at Target. I worked there for 72 hours. They wanted me to organize all the cans. I organized, like, three cans of coconut to face the front. I stood there and looked at the whole entire wall, and I walked out. I was like, no.

[B]

Did you have a kiss on your ass at this point?

[A]

No. I was like, 16.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then I went to work at Hooters where I could really make a bigger.

[B]

I've seen videos of you before. Yeah. I know that you have big boobs.

[A]

So I went to work at Hooters, and then I made a line, kinda.

[B]

Makes me look like a creep that I said that and you didn't respond at all. Kinda not great. You know, I was like, I know that you have big boobs. And you're like. So anyway, I was at. I had. Yeah. C. Red Hooters.

[A]

They fly over my head.

[B]

Your tits?

[A]

The comments.

[B]

Oh, okay. Okay. I really wasn't trying to make a joke there. I was like, okay. I mean, I was like, if. If you're on a roller coaster, they might.

[A]

Do you see all this stuff flying in the air while we're talking, or is it just me looking at my fur? Do you just see. See this?

[B]

I don't see dust.

[A]

I've been watching fur float around this whole body. Look at, like, there's one right here.

[B]

I don't see. You're just point. Oh, okay. Yeah. Do you have, like, autism or something?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. Okay. That's okay. Even if you do, it's fine. Okay.

[A]

Anyway, thank you for coming on my show. We're just gonna end it here.

[B]

That's fine. Yeah. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Yeah. Where can people find you?

[B]

Lukaszelnik.com for tickets. Luke Zelnick on Socials.

[A]

Thank you for coming on. It's been my pleasure, guys. Thank you so much for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date. I can't wait. You told your mom about me. Just say you're ready. Delete my number. Thursday your parents are your roommate. Thursday.

[B]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday. Because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means half day. Give it a try at mintmobile.

[A]

Com Switch Upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow 135 gigabytes of network busy taxes and fees extra. Cmtmobile.

[B]

Com.