Mark Normand: New Baby, New Netflix Special | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: First Date with Lauren Compton

Episode: Mark Normand: New Baby, New Netflix Special | March 31, 2026

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Overview

Comedian Mark Normand joins host Lauren Compton (YMH Studios) for his third “date” on the podcast, diving into hilarious and candid conversations about new parenthood, married life, navigating career demands while raising a baby, and the realities of maintaining a relationship as a traveling comedian. Mark shares stories from the road, reflections on fatherhood, and the inspiration behind his new Netflix special, “None Too Pleased.” The conversation maintains a playful, irreverent tone throughout, mixing heartfelt insights with Mark’s signature quick wit and self-deprecating humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Parenthood & Family Life

• Both Are Parents of Young Boys

  • Lauren and Mark bond over having sons close in age (Lauren’s just weaned at 13 months, Mark’s is 14 months).
  • Discussion of post-breastfeeding realities.
    • “It's been one week. Dry boobs.” – Lauren (02:01)
  • Mark jokes about his son’s personality, referencing his own comedic style:
    • “Yeah, he's cute and fat and gay, and I like him.” (02:26)

• Fatherhood's Surprises & Adjustment

  • Mark reflects on the lack of sleep, missing home, and how he never gets bored with his son around.
    • “No sleep. And you're never bored with a kid.” (06:27)
  • Sharing parenting hacks, Lauren recommends a “mud kitchen” for energetic toddlers.
    • “I just get a washcloth, a warm washclo and I just wipe him down like a car.” – Lauren (07:24)
  • Both discuss the realities (and oddities) of cleaning little boys after messy, muddy play.

• Family Dynamics and Support

  • Mark shares that his parents visit from New Orleans when they can, and his wife’s family is closer in Boston, providing occasional help.
  • Mark’s wife works remotely in sales (“something on the computer”), and enjoys cooking, having learned Creole dishes during the pandemic.

Relationship & Marriage Real Talk

• Keeping the Marriage Fresh

  • Mark on date nights: “You gotta keep it fresh, keep it funky. We go out to dinner all the time. I'm trying to get another load in there.” (02:58)

• Division of Labor & Common Fights

  • Typical fights center on “who does more,” a dynamic both recognize from their own marriages.
    • “Biology is the biggest misogynist.” – Mark (09:54)
  • Mark’s avoidant personality leads him to apologize first to avoid drawn-out conflict.

• Joint Finances

  • No official joint account, but shared credit cards do the trick for household expenses.

• Navigating Career on the Road

  • Mark leaves for shows on Fridays, returns Sundays—appreciates the separation and having things to catch up on with his wife.
    • “You get a little break and then you're back and you got things to talk about… You hate your husband, right?” (03:45)

Comedy, Touring, & Mark’s Work

• Writing & Performing

  • All-new material in his special; discusses feeling the pressure to keep coming up with jokes post-release.
    • “I'm like Kramer up there.” (38:14)
  • Finds material in his new dad life but tries not to become a “dad comic.”
    • “I mean, she's giving you material, and I'm trying not to be the dad comic.” (28:43)

• Comedy Scenes & Touring Trauma

  • Prefers performing in cities with “a little misery” (Buffalo, Denver, Phoenix) vs. party towns (Miami, Vegas, New Orleans).
  • Details three harrowing New York City mugging stories and an epic bedbug episode when first living in NYC.
    • “That city tries to spit you out, you're lucky all you got is fucking grackles or whatever you have here.” (45:09)

• Special Plug

  • “It’s about an hour of just action packed jokes. I hit every group. Trans, Muslim, gay, Jew, Mexican, you name it. Talk about the baby, married life. It's all in there.” (37:53)

Memorable & Candid Moments

• On Breastfeeding & Sex During Pregnancy

  • Both exchange honest experiences. Mark admits to tasting breast milk:
    • “You get hungover or you drink breast milk. You're back. It's the nectar of the gods.” (32:44)
  • Mark praises his wife's “pregnancy glow” and reveals they kept their sex life active during pregnancy.
    • “We’d have a lot of pregnant sex on the side, you know, and just high fiving that baby the whole time.” (32:13)

• Cultural Observations & Social Satire

  • Light but edgy jokes about Jewish neighborhoods, the birds in Austin (grackles), and American institutions like Hooters and Twin Peaks.
  • Mark discusses how easy it is to have biological kids compared to the hurdles of adoption.
    • “It's weird that when you adopt a kid, they make you do tests and background check and pay a fine and all this. But then anybody can just… Like, a serial killer can have a kid, pedophile can have a kid.” (30:48)

• True-Life Mishaps

  • Mark’s DUI discussions, getting mugged, the horrors of NYC bedbugs, and sleeping quirks (snoring fights, sleep attire) spawn some of the episode’s biggest laughs.

Pop Culture, TV, & Reality Shows

• Mark shares his addiction to YouTube (“I'm a big YouTube queef”), watching everything from woodworking to animal fights (10:05).
• Lauren pitches “The Traitors” as must-watch reality TV.
• Mark describes “Neighbors” on HBO—a reality series pitting feuding neighbors (QAnon lady vs. Bernie Sanders lady).
• Mark’s wife is a reality TV fan; he mostly sticks to YouTube.

Love Language & Past Relationships

• Mark’s love language: words of affirmation.
  • “I'm an insecure douche, so throw me a nice compliment. Women don't compliment men. We want equality. Where are the compliments?” (40:50)
• Past relationships included high school and college sweethearts before marriage.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Mark on fatherhood:
  “Yeah, he's cute and fat and gay, and I like him.” (02:26)
• On relationship balance:
  “You get a little break and then you're back and you got things to talk about… You like each other still. It's not full on every day in your face. That'll ruin a couple.” (03:45)
• On parenting division of labor:
  “Biology is the biggest misogynist.” (09:54)
• On writing material:
  “It’s about an hour of just action packed jokes. I hit every group… Talk about the baby, married life. It's all in there.” (37:53)
• On mugging story:
  “That city tries to spit you out, you're lucky all you got is fucking grackles or whatever you have here.” (45:09)
• On breastfeeding as a dad:
  “You get hungover or you drink breast milk. You're back. It's the nectar of the gods.” (32:44)
• On child adoption vs. biology:
  “It's weird that when you adopt a kid, they make you do tests and background check and pay a fine and all this. But then anybody can just… Like, a serial killer can have a kid, pedophile can have a kid.” (30:48)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:44 — Mark Normand joins, discusses being hungover and parenting
• 02:00 — Breastfeeding talk, transitioning off, “Dry boobs”
• 02:26 — Mark on his son’s personality
• 03:45 — Balancing marriage and touring
• 06:27 — Mark on sleep deprivation and being a new dad
• 08:49 — Relationship conflict/arguments, division of labor
• 10:05 — Mark on YouTube addiction
• 17:32 — Mark’s wife as a cook
• 28:40 — Mark’s “dad comic” material
• 32:44 — Drinking breast milk: “Nectar of the gods”
• 37:53 — Netflix special pitch
• 42:02–45:09 — Mark’s New York City mugging stories
• 45:56 — Bedbug horror story

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Conclusion

This episode blends sharp comedy with intimate glimpses of Mark’s new life as a dad and husband, revealing both the everyday absurdity and affection woven through parenthood, marriage, and life on the road. Mark’s new Netflix special, “None Too Pleased,” is out now and the episode closes with mutual encouragement, reflections on stress and morning routines, and some classic banter on sleep, snoring, and the realities of adult life.

Find Mark:

• Netflix: “None Too Pleased”
• Podcast: “Tuesdays with Stories” & “We Might Be Drunk”
• Tour dates: marknormandcomedy.com

Final quote:
“Third time’s a charm. Congrats on the little guy. And, yeah, don't miss Carrie.” – Mark (48:22)

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I can't wait.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

First date. What is up, you guys? Thank you for watching another episode of First Date. My guest today is back for his third date. He has a brand new special out on Netflix. It's called None Too Pleased. Give it up for Mark Norman.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Hey. Good to be back. Third time's a charm, baby. And you've changed.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And you are still wearing sunglasses.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, I'm deathly hung over. This is the first thing I. I was hung over on the last pod, but I'm trying to push through. I'm dying here.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What were you drinking?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Bodega cat whiskey at the bar last night. And we went way too long and way too hard.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Sounds like a good time.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I think it was. My asshole hurts and I woke up crying, but I'm good.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How long are you in Austin for?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I leave manana to go to la. So this is it? I squeezed you in there, preggo.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, thank you. How thoughtful.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You got three boobs.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Now I know which one's bigger.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'd say the gut.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Don't answer that now.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Are you feeding?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I was breastfeeding. Wow. I stopped. I stopped at 13 months.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay, that's fair.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

About 13.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It's hard to do.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's been one week. Dry boobs.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Whoa.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So, really?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No. Nothing left in there? It's tapped.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. You have to slowly wean yourself off.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Sure. Boy or girl?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Boy.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

All right, man. Good eating. He was probably really loving that whole milk.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You have a boy?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I have a little boy. Yeah. He's a good time.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How old is he?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

14 months.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my goodness.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, he's cute and fat and gay, and I like him.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Does he look more like you or your wife?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

He's black, so I don't know how that happened, but he's cute. Sagging his little diaper. And N word was his first word.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Cute.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. He's got Tourette's.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

He's so you.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, that's me.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So last time that you were on, I guess you had. You hadn't had your baby yet.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, it's Been a minute.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Do you still go on dates with your wife?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. You gotta. You gotta keep it fresh, keep it funky. We go out to dinner all the time. I'm trying to get another load in there.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'd like to pull number two. Hey, yeah. I'm dropping more bombs in Israel in that clam. So we're hoping.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How long are you on tour for?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I don't know what that means. Really? People ask me that.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Well, you're out here trying to.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'm potting it up for the special, doing promo. But I go out every weekend.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

And do the road. I just do one city and I come back on Sunday and show my wife the check.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. So how much are you home every week?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'm home Monday to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and I leave Friday.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, that's not bad.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It's not bad. Not bad. Yeah. Two days gone. Bring home some dough, get a little separation, if you know what I mean. You get a little break and then you're back and you got things to talk about, you know, catch up. You like each other still. It's not full on every day in your face. That'll ruin a couple. You know. You hate your husband, right?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

He's gone a lot, too.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, perfect. He's a. He's a real beef slinger, right?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I wouldn't say he's slinging beef anymore. Those days over, he just owns. He owns the restaurant, but he's not there, like at the block, cutting the meat up.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, I see. Okay, that makes sense. So what does he do all day?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

He's building hotels.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And all their other restaurants. He's got seafood restaurants and Italian restaurants. Coming, coming. And he's got a bowling alley he's building in Lockhart. And Sushi. It's. I could go on. He's got a lot of other things.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I love it, man. He's a real go getter.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. But back to you. No one cares about me.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I disagree.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What do you. When you go out with your wife, where do you guys go?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

We go to dinner, we go to a bar, we have a cocktail. We live it up. And we live in New York City, so. This is a plethora. It's endless to do.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I'm so jealous.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, you gonna. This is a cool town.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I think New York is better.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I agree. But you got no Jews here. What you lack in Jews, you make up for in bats and crows. Somebody crows here. What's up, Grackle? Sounds like a slur. I've never heard of. A grackle.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

The grackles that all those black birds that you see are called. Grackles.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Whoa.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And they're so annoying.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

They're like, we gotta segregate. It's a problem.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

They scream at you.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Scream. They steal your food. They're brutal. They're all over. I had a lunch on a. On a patio. They were all over me.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I know.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Brutal.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What is one thing that you miss when you leave home?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, I miss the kid. He's. He's a lot of fun. He's at that age. He's walking, he's saying cute little things. His first word was hooray. How cute is that?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Was it really?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Was that a spirited little piece of or what? Hooray. Hooray. I don't know where he picked it up, but I like it. And yeah, I miss him. You miss. I got a good house. I miss my house. I got a big couch and TV and all that stuff. So. You know, airports are hell. You gotta get an Uber. You're staying in a jizz soaked Holiday Inn all day. So. Yeah, I miss my wife, my kid, my home.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What has changed since you've had a kid?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, I'm on no sleep. I can't get it up. Although today I'm kind of back, but yeah, yeah, no sleep. And you're never bored with a kid.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's true.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

So that's kind of nice.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You gotta get him a mud kitchen.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

A who?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's called a mud kitchen.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, I thought that was a euphemism for anal. A mud kitchen. What is that now?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So it's this play kitchen and it lives outside.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And you can get like a pot of dirt and usually they have like a water spout over a sink so they can play in it and they can get dirty and it's a great place. Do you have a backyard?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I do.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's a great place for them to go out and play. I just built one.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Whoa.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And my son, it has occupied two days ago and it has occupied him for hours.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Really? But what do you hose him down? He's gonna come back in the house

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

and I put a pull up diaper on him, I let him get all dirty and then before he comes inside, I just get a washcloth, a warm washclo and I just wipe him down like a car.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Wow. Comes in full blackface with that mud, huh?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

He has taken a spoonful of it and he has decided that he hates it.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh my God. Well, that's a. You're a cool mom.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Well, I like My piece.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I get it, I get it. I hear you, sister. My kid just walks up and down the living room unplugging stuff, knocking stuff over. I had a bar cart with all these liquor bottles. He knocked all that over.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. So he's like a little booze bag already, and he just. He shits himself and he throws a diaper down. He's a. He's a wild man.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

If you have a second one, do you want a girl or a boy?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I want a girl. Mix it up. One of each.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You're gonna get a boy.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Really?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I wanted a girl. I was like, oh, I want a girl so bad. Think girl thoughts. And then it was a boy. So now it's just wwe gonna be.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, exactly. Jumping off stuff. But what about the little. Little ball bag? Don't you find that off?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Putting his balls. Yeah, I really.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You know, you got to clean them.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You do.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Especially with that mud.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I would say it's strange cleaning him up. It's. I have to live. I've never detailed so much.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, you gotta get a little.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Lifting up things and cleaning. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. So anyway, I have some questions that I have to ask you off of this.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

All right. Bring it on, sister.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Let me see. Do you apologize first after a fight?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I just want to get through it. I'm one of those guys that. When you. When I fight with my wife, I'm like, is it over? Are we done? Like, are we broken up? You know, I just. I just. Oh, like, you hate me. All right, I guess. Divorce.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Who started it, though?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I don't really start them.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You. You just end them?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I hide. I have what I call my therapist calls avoidant personality. Oh. I run from everything. So when he told me that, I stopped seeing him. But yeah. Yeah, I run. So then she has to reel me in and go, no, no, you got to hear this.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And what do you fight about the most?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You know, like, who does more?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So typical.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Israel, Palestine. Yeah. All this stuff.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I think everybody argues about who does more.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It's. Yeah, it's. It's human nature.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. And I think every single woman on earth feels like she does more.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, you do carry it. You deliver it, you feed it.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

There's a lot more that we do do.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. We just have to go. It's actually a crazy. Biology is the biggest misogynist.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. So you like to sit down on the couch and relax and watch TV. What do you watch?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'm a big YouTube queef. I just go into YouTube for, like, hours. I don't know. I don't even go with TV anymore.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What do you watch on YouTube?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Everything they show me. I'm watching a guy make a table. I'm watching a guy fuck a horse. I'm watching a fist fight. I'm watching tits. Whatever. They just send you shit and they know your algo. It's amazing.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So it's like Instagram, only larger. I don't watch YouTube.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I. Wow. The last time I watched YouTube, I was watching funny videos and I watched the Ginger has no Soul video. I watched like.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I don't know that.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It was like Tina took a tumble.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What is this? Special needs channel? I've never heard of any of this.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's just this big fat girl that stands on a table and she's trying to see how she looks. And she takes one step forward and the table.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay, dips. I like. This sounds pretty good.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I watched some lady in a clown mask dancing to Destiny's Child. Or I guess it was Beyonce. All the Single Ladies.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And she can't see in the mask. And she, like, goes to do, like, a bend and snap and she slams her head into the tv. I just realized I like to watch people hurt themselves.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's good stuff, but you got to mix it up. You can't go all pain.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. This is Scarlet takes a tumble.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, this should be good. While singing this is gold. That poor table here at Creek. Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

She's checking out her shoes.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

This is going to hurt.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

This is going to be good.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Okay.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

All right, fast forward a little.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

This is her moment.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What a weird thing to do at home alone.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Here she goes.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

This is worse than drinking alone. Oh, that wasn't so bad.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, but the at this part is the best when she's rolling around in pain.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

This is the funny part.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

This is good stuff. This is like racist America's funniest old videos here.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I mean, that's the kind of stuff I watch on YouTube.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I like it. You watch the boob Tube?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, man. I gotta get better on YouTube then.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I love it. I get news from YouTube. It's great. OnlyFans is a good show. That's fun.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Stop.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a storytelling show. Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories into a toddler's face. Wild three Sometimes regretful.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Every std.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Horrible.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'm gonna you up and amazing stories.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

We just got started.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'm gonna stop the terrorists. You're in trouble, mister. It's gonna be a good night. It's gonna kill us all. Come on back to me F you should be in jail. Hey man, are you okay? I actually do well, you don't fucking talk to me, okay? I am a disciple of the Lord now. You missed the spot. How did I get here? How did this happen? That's a good question. You guys ready to start the show?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

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[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

doctor about epglis and visit epgliss.lily.com or call 1-800-lilyrx or 1-800-545-5979. What does your wife watch?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Reality. All reality. You know.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Have you watched Traders?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What's it?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Traders.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Traders? No.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my gosh, you're missing out.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Trader Joe's. No, These guys, like, swap stuff.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, It's a group of, like, 12 people or something, and they live in this house in Scotland, and three of them are traders, and everyone else is faithful. And then they have to do activities, and then they have this round table, and everyone has to vote one person out. And the goal is to get rid of the traitors. And at the end of the show, if any traitors are left, the traders take all the money that they win from the thing. Anyway, it's a really good show.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I like it. I'll check it out.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's great.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Thank you. There you go. Free plug there. Traders.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I know. I just. I hate that. I just promoted them.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, what's the difference?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's my favorite show.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay. You watching Neighbors?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, it's on hbo. It's about two neighbors that hate each other and they find them in different parts of the country, and it's fascinating.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Is it a. Is it, like, reality?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It's all real. Yeah. It'll be like a QAnon lady versus a Bernie Sanders lady or a Klan member versus a black guy or whatever. Fucking great.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I heard about another one. It's this girl that has Balin. Is it a girl that has Tourette's?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yes. She's amazing.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Balin, out loud.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Get her on here. She'll. Is that what it is about your yams all day?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. I don't know. Do you and your wife have a joint bank account?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, but I don't know how to set all that up, so I just. I would just use a credit card. We both have a credit card to my account.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

So I guess. I guess pretty much kind of like,

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

that's what I do.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay, great. Yeah. There you go.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

My husband and I were playing basketball, and he likes to call shots. And he's like, okay, on this shot, if I make it, you pay for dinner. If you make it, you pay for dinner. And I'm like, I have your credit card. I don't know how this is gonna work, but okay. But anyway, I Made the shot. Okay, so he's paying for dinner.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

There you go.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Who's a better cook in your house?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, my wife is amazing. She makes a hell of a jambalaya. So I'm from New Orleans, So she learned how to make all these Creole dishes, and they're incredible. So I go out and get the groceries, bring them home, and she starts whipping.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Is that what hooked you?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No. No. I didn't know she learned how to cook in the pandemic. She never really cooked before. And then pandemic hit. We were home all the time. She said it, I'll give it a shot. And she's great at it.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You guys met. She came to your comedy show, right?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yes. On a date.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's right.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. And she kicked that guy to the curb and went home with this old chunk of jizz.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How long did it take for you guys to meet up after that?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

A couple hours.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, really?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. I got the DM and she and

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

you were like, let's go, let's go.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Met her at a bar and the rest is history.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How long have you guys been. You have. Mark, you have something on your lip.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I just.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Who was he?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You're welcome.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Hey, I'm looking out.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I appreciate it. Was it a pube? What was that?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, I think it was a piece of lime.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, got it. Yeah. Yeah. What was the question? Hit me. Cleavage?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I don't know. I was trying to be thoughtful.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Met her. Met her up. Up with her at a bar. We've been together probably 10 years now.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Wow.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah, it's going great. We're working on kid number two.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's so exciting. I hope you get what you want. I hope you get the girl.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. Hopefully no downs. She's a drinker, is she? Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Golly. Must be nice.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Well, you'll be back soon.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I. I never got a solid time to drink, though.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. How quick did you flip over?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I waited nine months and I got pregnant again.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Wow.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

But I was breastfeeding, right. The whole time.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Do that White Russian with the kid. That's not really fair.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I would have to, like, power pump and save milk and put it in the freezer.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Whoa.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And then I would, like, go to. Go on vacation or something for a couple of days, and that would be the only time that I could drink.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And then I was such a lightweight that I really couldn't. I would have one cocktail and then be like. So it wasn't that fun. It wasn't like I could go out and party.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I hear you. I hear you. Well, do you. Do you drink a lot? Anyway?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I did before I got pregnant.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, really?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I was partier.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Nice. Dui.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I have had a dui, But I wasn't drinking.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Come on. I wasn't. Move.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, I wasn't. I was sick and I was taking Nyquil. And the guy that pulled me over, I was 18, okay? And he pulls me over, he asks for my id. I didn't have my id. I was going to get my id. I had left it at a restaurant.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So I was on my way to pick up my id and then he was like, I need to see your license, registration. I was like, I don't have my license. And he's like, have you been drinking? And I was like, no, I'm sick. I have not been drinking. I'm also 18.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You didn't flash the knobs?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You didn't wanna. I feel like that would have gotten you out.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That does not help the headlights. I used to work at Hooters and I had a sweatshirt on one time whenever I was working. And I took my sweatshirt off so he could see that I was working at Hooters. I got a ticket so frickin fast.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Wow. Well, the food is bad.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

They don't care.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's true. Is Hooters still going? Yeah, I always felt weird at Hooters.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Do you like Twin Peaks more?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, I don't like. I just feel like I'd rather go to a strip club because I'm like, can I stare at this gal or not?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's true.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I never know what the deal is. Then you wear those weird shiny leg things.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

The. The pantyhose?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Those are pretty thick and terrible.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

But, hey, girls, gotta work.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You got that right, sister. Did you get any butt grabs or anything? Any groping?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

All right, that's good.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, just tips.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, just the tip.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Just the tips. So back to my DWI story.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Iud.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

So dui.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

He pulls me over and says he can smell alcohol on my breath.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Whoa.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Did not make me blow in a breathalyzer. Wrote me a dui.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Damn.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And let me drive away.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Where's the white priv?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Right?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Wow. This guy's got a. He might have been a homosexual.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I don't. Or we. Todd.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay, There you go. All right, well, defund them. No, no, I'm just kidding.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

But yeah, that was my. And then I had to hire a lawyer to get me out of it.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Dan, you got out of it.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I did. But I still had to pay the lawyer five grand.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Ah, that's pretty good for a lawyer. Those Jews are raking it in. He got off easy, I'd say.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Really?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I have such a grudge against this whole case. Still for five grand.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

But hey, you five grand, you beat it. I know it sucks, but have you gotten a dui? I cannot believe I haven't. Isn't that crazy? I should be dead. I used to drink and drive constantly.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I think a lot of people did before Uber.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's true. These kids don't know what they got with this Uber.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I know.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Also Tesla's drive themselves and the Waymo.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You get hammered in a Waymo. Take a dump, jerk off and film.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I think they have cameras in there.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, no, that's not good.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Anyway, is there a habit that your wife has tried to break you of?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Not really. She's a good egg. I'm very lucky. She just kind of lets me be. She does want me to, I think, stop going out so much on the road. Just reel it in a little bit. But I'm a psycho for comedy. I got to get out there. And if you stop doing comedy, you lose that momentum and you lose your fastball. So that might be something.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How long have you been doing comedy?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

20 years.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Where's your favorite place to go and do shows?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Ah, geez. I did the Gaza Chuckle Hut last week. No. Tehran. Let's see. I like. There's a lot of great comedy cities. Some cities are better for comedy. I don't know why. I guess they need a laugh like a Buffalo or a Denver or a Phoenix. Great comedy towns. And then some towns are horrible. New Orleans, Vegas, Miami. They're too hot. They're too coked up.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, that's true.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You need a little misery. A little. You need some problems. No one's got problems in Miami. They're just Cubans and Jews and Carol Baskin.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I did a stand up show in Catalina Island.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, boy.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And at the same time that I was doing the show, it was a three day thing. There was a rave going on and all the people went to the rave and got up and were doing ecstasy and they were coked out and drinking and then they would come to the comedy show for a break.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, no, that's bad.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It was so bad. And there was. The whole front row was passed out.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, it's like a Cosby Show. Where's Catalina Island? Is that all Florida in California? Okay. I did Epstein's island once.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Very young crowd. They didn't get anything.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It was terrible.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Terrible. Although Bill Gates was cool. You look like Clinton looking through those old photos. He was really reminiscent, huh?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No. Do you still get nervous around your wife?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Nervous?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Do you ever get like, bashful?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, no, but just. Just normal. We hang out.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Is your son more like you or her? Can you tell yet?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Can't really tell. He's. So far he's more like me just because he's. Actually, I think he's more like her. He's an extrovert.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

He loves people. Anytime someone walks in, he jumps on them. He hugs everybody and she's like that. I'm more of an introvert. I hide, I cry, I fetal position.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

He sounds cute.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

He's really cute. He's a spirited little spunky douche.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Is he? They always ask about like percentile.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Uh huh. Oh yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Do you know what his percentile is?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I think he's pretty big. He's like a big mongoloid beefy guy.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, I love it.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Fatty. And he gets the chafing because his fat thighs are rubbing up against this huge ball bag.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Gross.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I don't know which one of these to ask you this. Some of them are just terrible.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

All right, bring it on. We can always edit.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Who wrote this? Do you have a bedtime?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oof. Yeah. What is this, npr? Come on.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Terrible. Bedtime. What's the dumbest thing you guys have fought about recently?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, God. What have we thought about? I snore like a son of a bee. I'm sawing log. She bought me this.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You're in good shape. How are you snoring?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I think it's all septum. Whatever. It's all schnoz. And she bought me this thing that clips onto your nose and opens it up. Oh, yeah, that didn't work.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Is it an intake maybe?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Intake valve. I don't know what an intake is.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Like you have to put like two stickers on the side of your nose

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

and the magnets on it.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And that doesn't work.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, no. Oh, God.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You have a problem.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It's a real. She'll go sleep in another room sometimes. Yeah, she'll kick me in the middle of the night. It's. She's like the. The bachelorette. She's beating the shit out of me.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So are you going to have surgery? What are you going to do?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

My dad had the surgery because he's got. I guess I get it from him. And he still snores.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Really?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I can hear my dad down the block. I mean, it's crazy. Like A wildebeest with the snoring.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. So I don't know what to do.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Did she snore when she was pregnant? Like in her third trimester?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, she does the cute girl snore where she's like.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Like a purr.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Exactly, exactly. So I got a problem.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Well, maybe you should get her some noise. Canceling headphones.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Hey, that's not bad. Cancel culture. Can you sleep with that, though? Can you sleep with a headphone in?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You know, I have slept with headphones on before.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

But I don't mind sleeping on my back. Yeah, well, some people are side sleepers.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's gonna be trouble. Yeah, you're gonna be really elevated. It's like trying to sleep on an airbag. But, yeah. Yeah, I can't do the back. I gotta go outside. So does she.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I like to sleep on my side, too, but I don't mind my back. But I don't sleep with headphones on often. It's usually been, like, on an accident. If I'm watching a movie or something and I'm trying to be quiet, I

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

go one in and sleep on the other side.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's a good idea.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's my move.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

But you don't need to silence your snoring.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, but I need to silence my thoughts. A lot of evil shit brewing up here.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Have you been doing any comedy about your son?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, Yeah. I got 20 minutes on that little bastard.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Really?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, it's a comedy factory. I mean, she's giving you material, and I'm trying not to be the dad comic, but he gives you so many funny things.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I think you could. I mean, it's just my personal opinion. I think you could really excel as the dad comic.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Really?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Doesn't Nate Bergazzi do that?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, he's got a lot of dad stuff. Jim Gaffigan, Louis CK Had a whole thing about throwing his baby in the dumpster. So. Yeah, maybe you're right. You got to write about your life anyway, so.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah, people relate to the realism of that. Have you found that? It does?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, yeah. Yeah, people like it. It's interesting, right? Right off the bat because they're like, that fucking weirdo has a kid. That seems wrong. So they're really listening.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

This episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company. No matter how you do game day, on the couch, in the crowd, or manning the snack table, Athletic Brewing fits right in with a full lineup of non alcoholic beer styles. You can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water in the second half. Stock the fridge for tip off with a variety of non alcoholic craft styles. Available at your local grocery store or online at athleticbrewing.com near Beer Fit for all times.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

K Pop Demon Hunters, Haja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Tricks Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What do you say to that, Rumi?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's not a battle. So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

It is an honor to share.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, it's our honor.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It is our larger honor. No, really, stop.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side

[Narrator/Advertiser]

and participate in McDonald's while supplies last.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Isn't it weird that I'm allowed to have a baby? Like, you're like an upstanding citizen. You got, you know, a DUI that you got rid of and a rich husband. But me, I could have a kid. That's crazy. Like, if I tried to adopt a kid, they'd kick me in the balls. But I didn't have one.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Adopting a kid would seem crazy.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Someone give you a kid.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

But it is weird that when you adopt a kid, they make you do tests and background check and pay a fine and all this. But then anybody can just. Like, a serial killer can have a kid, pedophile can have a kid. But if you want to adopt a kid, it's really hard. Isn't that weird?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah, I guess.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You can't just give somebody a kid.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

But if you make your own, it's.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Anybody can make their own.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

If you are fertile enough.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Kim Jong Un's got a daughter.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

He does?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. And he takes her everywhere. She's cute.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, I didn't even know that.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. He's an odd guy, huh?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. But mostly due to the haircut.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, he's got that. He looks like the Rizzler. He's like, chubby with the flat top and hairless. Yeah, you just want to cuddle him.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Something weird when you just look at him, you know?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. He's a crazy dictator. I hope he never hears this.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Wouldn't that be great if he did?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, God, he would. He would attack us. He's a. He's a scary guy.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So you're trying again for number two?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How does it feel when you go, like, is your wife pretty stable when she's pregnant?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, she's glowing. She loved being pregnant. She was.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

She did.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

She was like, in the mirror posing. I Mean, she was. Her skin was shining. She was. Hair was popping. Killed it.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

She needs to drop the routine.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What do you mean?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

She needs to share the secret.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, I see. We'd have a lot of pregnant sex on the side, you know, and just high fiving that baby the whole time.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Wow.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Fist bumping.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

A lot of people don't have sex when they're pregnant.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Really?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's nine months. You got to do something.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It is a long time.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. I was breastfeeding, everything.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my gosh. Did you ever taste the breast milk?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I did, yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, you didn't.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I did. I made a cocktail.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, you didn't.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah, it's. It's. I gotta tell you, you get hungover or you drink breast milk. You're back. It's the nectar of the gods.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my gosh. I know that it does help from sickness. Like if you're sick and you drink

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

it, it's the miracle liquid. I mean, you could save a village with that shit right there.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my gosh. I wanted to taste it, just to know what it tasted like. But just watching it come out of the pumps and stuff, I'm like, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, the colostrum, you know that. You know that's like the weird goo that. It's like pre cum.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You only get that in the beginning though, right?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, that I wouldn't have tasted. It was too slimy and weird. But the milk.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

The milk jello coming out of your.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, it's bad, but the milk is good stuff. That's primo.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Did she breastfeed?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

The whole. How long did she breastfeed?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I think she did like three or four months. It got. It got a little challenging. So she pulled the plug and.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Dude, hardest thing I've ever done.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It ain't easy. And she'd have to wear the cloak, like a weird burqa. Did you have to do that when, like, there's friends around?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, no, I'd go into another room.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And I just. I'd just be like, I gotta go for 10 minutes.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Right. It's a nice out. It's like a cigarette kind of. Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It was like a chance to go take a breather.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Sure, sure.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

But shit, I did it for 30, 13 months.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That is very impressive because it ain't easy.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I know. I feel like I deserve an award.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah? What do you. What do you think?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I don't know.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What's the breastfeeding award? The milkies.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Honestly, I would have done with some cocktails, but I got pregnant again and I couldn't go.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

But you probably feel great. You're. You're just clean, sober. You got all these bodily nourishing nutrients going through you.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I wish I did.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, you look nice. You're glowing.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I appreciate that.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

What else, what else, what else? What do you think of the war in Iran?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I don't comment on politics, Ayatollah. What I think about politics.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. I don't think they care what you think about most things, but you. All right, Just stand there and wear that outfit. No, I'm just kidding.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Fine. I'll go back to these terrible questions.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You go C sect or vaginal?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I had to have a C section.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

My wife, too.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Really? How long was she in labor for like 12 minutes.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It was so quick.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, they were in and out, man.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Wait, no. Did she schedule a C section right off the bat on number one?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Why?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I think she wanted to preserve the.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

The vag.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yes. Then labia menorah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So she went in. So she had a scheduled C section and she went into labor.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, I don't know how that works, but she had a schedule. We showed up, they laid her down.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

She didn't start going into labor early?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, it was all scheduled.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Okay.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

And it was great.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So my second one is scheduled. How did she feel?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

She loved it. I mean, she. You're a little banged up for two weeks. You know, hard to get up the stairs and whatnot. But I was there to pick up the rear.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's good to know.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Because I'm. I did not schedule my first one, but I have to schedule my second one, so I'm scared of it.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No, it's gonna be great. You're gonna be all drugged up and the whole thing's gonna go by like that.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I forgot about the drugs lot.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I got video of my wife all loopy.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Drugs mess with me, though.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, I don't know.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I get. It's like morphine. I itch.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah, you get. You go full neck crackhead.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah, I can't take painkillers because they'll make me. I. I physically, it.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's normal. Do you have any that you want to give away? Because I'll take them.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You know, it's crazy. I had so many left over.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, you could make a fortune with that. I could have put the kid in college.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I go through the extra strong Advil.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. I thought you had some Vicodin or.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No, they give. They give you stuff. I can't remember what the name is, but it's like Fentanyl, pretty strong.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It starts with a G. It's some. Some crazy strong painkiller.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, Call in, I don't know, Oxycontin, Percocet, Peptide. I don't know.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What does your mom and dad think about the baby?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

They love the baby, but they live in New Orleans. They have to fly up and they're. They're pretty elderly, so. Yeah, that's harder and harder, but we're gonna go down to NOLA in a

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

couple of weeks and that'll be fun with the babe.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

They love it. They love the baby. And we're sick of the baby a lot. So you go, here you go, mom. And so everybody wins. She's. She's in heaven.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Does your baby like being out in public?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Loves public. Loves everything. He's just a full, happy little nugget.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Where's your wife's parents?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Boston.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Did they. Do they come over?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

They come on way more often. It's just a train right away. So, yeah, they pop in and I get the hell out.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's so nice. Oh, yeah, it's nice that you get some away time.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Definitely. Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

When I come and do this podcast, it's my away time.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

There you go. Well, hey, you're welcome. Thanks for coming by.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah, come by more often.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I will, I will.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So you're special. Tell me about your special.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, it's out now on Netflix. It's in the top 10. Hopefully we can keep cranking it up, but yeah, it's about an hour of just action packed jokes. I hit every group. Trans, Muslim, gay, Jew, Mexican, you name it. Talk about the baby, married life. It's all in there.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Is it all new material?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It's all material that's never been out there. And now I'm out of material, so I gotta go write some shit. I got nothing. I'm like Kramer up there.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So now whenever you write, do you go home? Do you have time to write where you just.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I do, yeah. And I ride on the road because you got a free full day. So I write in the hotel room. But yeah, I write. I got a little office at my house and I get in there.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah. Does your wife work at all?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, she has a job. She works remote.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What does she do?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's a good question. Something on the computer, Mark. It's one of those, you know, sales things. Something with sales.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Something with sales. Yeah, you know, that's the extent that, you know.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Well, I don't. I don't Pry. I let her live her life.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Is she good at it?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

She's good. I mean, she hates it. It's a job. But she makes a couple bucks and she's. Now she can buy her own stuff.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

And I give her some. Some cash.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Does she have any siblings?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Brother and a sister. So she's the youngest of a. Of a three.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Did they have children?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

The sister has two kids. So everybody gets to play and get along. It's a nice little family.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Are they close by?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Boston.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Well, that's nice.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That's not bad. Yeah, they. Every holiday we're all hanging out.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Are they close in age?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

They're a little older. Like five and three.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

So he's. He's way behind. But, you know, once you get to be 4 and 8, it's not that different.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Does that make sense?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay. Well, I feel like kids are kids

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

with milestones with how every month I see, like crazy jumps.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, that's true.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

So it's hard for me to differentiate four to eight. I'm like, wow, that's like four years.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I know, but it's coming. What do they say? Long nights, short years.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You believe it?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's already over. A year flies by. He's walking, he's talking. It just keeps ramping up. You can't stop it. I like him right now. I want to keep him at that age. Yeah, but no, pretty soon he's gonna be cutting himself and sneaking out and drinking and fingering. It's all coming.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What is? Your love language.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I never know what that means.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

There's like. It's like touch.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Affirmations. Gifts. What are the other two? Affirmations? Gifts.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Physical, oral.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Affirmations. Oh, quality time.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Quality. Oh, no, that's no good. I would say, I guess affirmation. I'm an insecure douche, so throw me a nice compliment. Women don't compliment men. We want equality. Where are the compliments?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How were you in a lot of long term relationships before you met your wife?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I was. Not a lot, but I had a high school sweetheart, college sweetheart, so that whole thing. And then I got into comedy. We. We broke up. But that was like 11 years.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Wow.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Did she think y' all were gonna get married?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I think so, but I. My heart wasn't in it. That was a fuck up. I drank too much and, you know, partied, and I was never home.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

So she's like a nice lady with a real job and a real good husband. I'm a. I'm a Have you always

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

lived in New York?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No. No.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I know you're from New Orleans, but.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I've been there about 20 years, though. But, yeah, I guess that's.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That feels like.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It feels like home. Yeah, I've been mugged three times. I got bedbugs. I've lived all over the city, so, yeah, I know it pretty well.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You've been mugged thrice.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You ever been mugged?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

No.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, man, it's wild.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How did you get mugged?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, let's see. The first time I got. I saw a bunch of guys on the corner at like, 3 in the morning, shooting dice and drinking 40s. Like, some real, you know, sketchy stuff. Street, street guys. And I crossed the street to get away from him. And when I crossed the street, an older guy saw I was wearing an ipod, and he ripped it off me, and I ripped it back. And then he. He's a big guy. He kind of started, like, throwing me around. He threw me into a wall and he picked me up and I'm. My feet are dangling, and he's like, I'm punching him, I'm kicking him. But I couldn't get anywhere with him. He kept slamming me against the wall. I think he was on PCP or something.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

And those five guys ran over and beat the hell out of him.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, so they saved you?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

They saved me. So you can't judge.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Wow. You would have been safer on their side of the street.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I know I should have picked up a do rag and a pair of dice and I would have been fitting in. But, yeah, they. They helped me because apparently I asked a cop about it, and he said, those are probably drug dealers and they can't have a honky getting killed in the hood. It's going to cause too much shit. Like, too much attention. So they picked him to get beat up, and I got the hell out of there.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

What happened another time?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

The other time, I was drunk out of my mind, like, bouncing off the walls in Hell's Kitchen. Like, just. I got kicked out of a bar called Rudy's. And I was just walking down the sidewalk like this, and I saw a little doorway that was like three steps down. And I said, let me just take a nap in there real quick nap before I go back to Brooklyn. And I woke up, three guys were going through my pocket. I went. And he went. He's getting up. Hit me. I went out again. They took my keys, my joke book, my pen, my wallet, my phone, everything. They're doing my act right now somewhere crazy you got to take my jokes and my pen. What are we doing here?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How mean?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I know. So I had to jump the turnstiles because you can't get home. You can't Uber. You got no phone. I can't buy a subway token because I got no money. So I had to just walk to the subway, jump the turnstiles, get home, and then, you know, figure it out.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Were you with your wife at this time?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No. This is early on when I moved to New York. I was a real bad alcoholic, and I was just. I was like, 22, 23. So I was a. A wild man.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And then the other time.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

The other time, I fell asleep on the subway drunk. And I went all the way to the end of the line, which is like, far, Far East New York they call it. It's where Mike Tyson's from. Scary area. And I wake up and there's a guy doing the exacto knife on my jeans, like, around my phone and around my. Whatever, my dick. He circumcised me, and I stood up out of fear, and I was like, what the. I stood up and I hit my head on the bar of the subway. Like, where you hold your arm? Yeah. And I hit my head and I fell back down, and I was like, fucked up. My head was ringing. And he was like, don't worry. The train will turn right back around. The door closed. He was like, charming. He tipped his hat. He blew me a kiss. Yeah. It was crazy.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Did he get anything?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

He got my phone. He got my phone, but I was sitting on my wallet. Thank God. But, yeah, I mean, that was a. That was like, all in the first year.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

That's terrifying.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

That city tries to spit you out, you're lucky all you got is fucking grackles or whatever you have here.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah. So that was a wild, wild R. That's terrible. Then I finally moved to a better neighborhood, and I got bedbugs.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

How. How did you. When you moved in, you had bedbugs?

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

No. I guess. I don't know. I lived there six months. Everything was gravy. And then I. One day, I just. You wake up at 3am like a nom vet. You're like. I was like, you on. On drugs. I was scratching and. And I fumigated. They're like Jews. You gas them, they still don't go away, and they're still everywhere. Like, you'd open up my matches, I'd pick it up, and I just see them, millions of them. And I had. I had to move. I bought a bed. I Bought new sheets. I washed everything. I still couldn't get rid of them.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And you move.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I moved. I moved to a different neighborhood, different apartment.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, yeah. And when you got bedbugs in New York, no one wants to be around you. You know, you're like, oh, you're at a party. Like, oh, it's good to be here. I got bedbugs. They're like, get the out. You're. You're toxic. You're radioactive.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's like lice or something.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Oh, my gosh. And I thought my sweat stains were bad.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, that's. You sweat, huh?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Whenever I change a pillow, if I see a. Like, my pillowcases and stuff, if I see sweat stains on my pillows, I have to get new pillows.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Really?

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I cannot. Just something. It just grosses me out to know that my pillows are stained.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I bet you could sell those for a pretty penny on Etsy, as some weirdo would buy that. My wife's like a furnace. She just exudes heat.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I do, too. I usually go to sleep. I sleep in 65 degrees.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Oh, I like that.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And I sleep in a long sleeve. Like, it's really thin. It's usually, like, a little crop top. And it's just, like this really soft. It skims. Oh. And I sleep in this long sleep thing, and I will wake up in the middle of the night burning up. My boobs are sweating, and I have to take it off. And I usually have, like, a little.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Anyone else? Hard. Okay.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

I sleep in, like, a little. It's not a bra. It's like a bralette.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

All right, well, let's pull up a photo.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's just to keep them together so that they're not flopping all over the place.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Yeah, got it. Got it.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Some support.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I hear you. I hear you.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

And so I usually end up in that in the morning.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Okay. Yeah. Wow, that's quite a night.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

It's a lot. I go through a lot of different emotions. Wardrobe changes.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Well, they say women's cortisol is highest in the middle of the night in the morning, which means your stress hormone. And men have the most testosterone in the morning. That's why morning sex really works, because the guy's all rock hard, ready to go, and the lady's all stressed out. And so you bang and everybody's good. You get some vitamin D, you chill out, and he gets off.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Well, the more you know, there you go. Well, I guess tell. So your special is on Netflix.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

It's on Netflix now. It's called none too. Please. Check it out. It's. It's cooking. It's got. It's got a lot of laughs.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Okay, Any where can people find you? You're so easy to find. Oh, yeah, plug it again.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I'm all over the road. I got marknorman comedy.com. check out my podcast, Tuesdays with stories. Or we might be drunk. And, yeah, thanks for having me. Third time's a charm. Congrats on the little guy. And, yeah, don't miss Carrie.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Thank you for coming back. Hopefully. I don't. I'm halfway through this pregnancy.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

You're fine.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

We're solid.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

Probably got a leg hanging out of there already.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

Probably just have to, like, push it back in. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

I can't wait.

[Host (possibly female, pregnant)]

You told your mom about me? Just stay ready. Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommate.

[Mark Norman (comedian guest)]

First date.