Natalie Cuomo’s Biggest Dating Ick | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: First Date with Lauren Compton — Natalie Cuomo’s Biggest Dating Ick

Host: Lauren Compton
Guest: Natalie Cuomo (Comedian and Content Creator)
Release Date: March 24, 2026
Podcast Network: YMH Studios

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Episode Theme & Purpose

This episode dives into the chaos, quirks, and realities of dating as experienced by two hilarious standup comedians, Lauren Compton and Natalie Cuomo. The conversation is candid, raunchy, and surprisingly heartfelt, focusing on red flags, “icks,” dating after divorce, tattoos, love bombing, and what it’s like to date in today's world of apps and social awkwardness. Through stories of heartbreak, laughter, and personal mishaps, both women showcase what it means to seek connection (and maybe a second date) in a wild dating landscape.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Natalie Cuomo’s Tattoos, Career & Divorce

• Tattoos:
  • Natalie has around 70-80 tattoos, starting from age 18 (01:22). Favorite is the butterfly on her hand, plus a notable red dragon. Tattoos are all over: chest, back, legs, hands (01:32, 01:48, 01:59).
• Comedy & Performing:
  • She recently performed at Cap City in Austin and comments on the dynamic, changing nature of cities like Austin and New York (01:07–01:16, 04:37).
• Dating and Divorce:
  • Recently divorced after a short (1.5-year) marriage to another comedian (05:33), together for four years in total (05:39).
  • Divorce was mutual: “We just both agreed…we’re better as friends.” (06:12)
  • On not rushing into dating: “You just doing me, focusing on myself. Just trying to, like, you know, do what I haven't been doing the last few years.” (09:19)

2. Dating Fans and Relationships

• Has only hooked up with one fan in her career—found it awkward since the fan knew so much about her and she knew nothing about him (04:46–05:14).
• Describes herself as a “serial monogamist” who becomes intensely focused on the person she's with (10:38–10:49).

3. Modern Dating: Icks, Red Flags & Cringes

• Biggest Dating Icks:
  • People who aren’t fully committed: “That’s gross to me.” (12:40–12:54)
  • Cheating is a non-negotiable, obvious ick (12:55).
  • Men obsessing over their looks or spending too long in the mirror: “I don’t want you to care so much about what you look like.” (14:19–14:35)
• Funny “Ick” Tangent:
  • Grossed out by men’s feet in New York and their general toe neglect—“It’s goblin feet.” (13:41, 14:04)
  • Host’s personal ick: men in thong flip-flops—“I don’t want to see thong sandals on your feet, dude.” (13:12)
• Worst Professions to Date:
  • Both comedians agree that dating comics can be cringey, “Never again. Off limits for sure.” (17:07–17:12)
  • Host recounts dating an “investment banker” who “was just out there trying to create something out of nothing…slimy.” (17:16–18:03)

4. Wildest Fan Encounter

• Fan at a meet-and-greet edited his face onto Natalie’s engagement photo, brought a ring, and asked her to stage a fake engagement photo. She refused: “I can’t do this. Like, no, this is too much.” (18:27–19:17)

5. Dating Preferences & Patterns

• Natalie is more drawn to the “vibe” than a physical type; her partners are all very different (“If you lined up every guy I’ve dated, you’d be like, whoa, this makes no sense.” (15:49))
• Attraction to older men: “I like an older guy. It’s comforting.” (20:40–20:47)
• Openness to dating apps, but heavily vets matches and prefers in-person chemistry (“Show me a picture of you holding a spoon.” — 15:24)

6. Love Bombing & Turn-Ons

• Love Bombing:
  • Natalie loves being love-bombed—“It gets me every time.” (21:51)
  • Host is more skeptical—would rather have a slow build: “I’d rather wait a year and then you be romantic as hell…” (27:39)
  • Mutual acknowledgment that love bombing is common in dating and can be fun but also fake and disappointing (23:05, 23:11).
• Turn-Ons:
  • For Natalie: “Someone loving me.” (21:47)
• Fun exchange about tattoos and dating:
  • Natalie’s gotten four partners’ names tattooed—and two returned the favor. She says it’s simply “fun” (30:53–31:32), but admits, “I guess I’m a creep.” (31:48)

7. Parenthood, Tattoos, and Generational Shenanigans

• Natalie muses about whether her hypothetical kids will rebel against her tattoos or want to be like her (“I wonder if I have kids if they’ll hate tattoos because I have them…or they’ll go the other way.” — 34:27–34:33).
• Host reflects on her own experience: didn't plan on being a mom, but “trapped a man” by getting pregnant, sharing several humorous, candid anecdotes about pregnancy surprises (36:22–39:50).

8. Unsolicited Pregnancy Comments

• Both discuss awkward or rude instances where people assumed they were pregnant due to body shape or dress—Natalie was asked (incorrectly) if she was expecting, host recounts being congratulated for a pregnancy three months postpartum (41:33–44:53).
  • Host confesses: “Instead of telling her that I wasn’t pregnant because I didn’t want her to feel embarrassed...I was like, I’m four months pregnant.” (43:06)

9. Love Languages & Relationship Advice

• Host’s love language is gifts—especially diamonds, making it clear to her husband that tangible gifts are important (46:38–47:50).
• Natalie’s is words of affirmation, linking it to her fondness for love bombing (48:20–48:24).
• On romantic gestures when broke: non-diamond gifts, creativity, and effort (48:45–49:02).
• “Words of silence” (pouting) are touted as a way to get your partner to step up with affection or gifts (49:41–50:48).

10. Advice to Newly Single Natalie

• Host’s advice:
  • “Take your alone time. Especially if you’re a serial monogamist.” (51:16)
  • Enjoy the single period before rushing into another relationship—“when you do find the person that you want to be with forever, then you’re with them forever. And you don’t have that little…That part of you” (52:06–52:10).
  • “Enjoy the you time while you have it.” (52:51)
  • “Boys are fun…‘til they’re not. And then you just go to the next one.” (53:00–53:04)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dating Fans:

  • “I’ve slept with one fan, like five years ago. That’s it. They just know too much…and you don’t know anything about them. They know all this stuff about you.” — Natalie Cuomo (04:46–05:14)

• On Divorce:

  • “We just both agreed…we’re better as friends.” — Natalie (06:12)
  • “I am, like, recently divorced.” — Natalie (05:24)

• On Love Bombing:

  • “I love being love bombed. It’s my favorite. It gets me every time.” — Natalie Cuomo (21:51)
  • “I’d rather wait a year and then you be romantic as hell…than be love-bombed right off the bat.” — Lauren Compton (27:39)
  • “I want someone to be like, I will burn down my house for you.” — Natalie Cuomo (28:08)

• On Tattoos as Relationship Flags:

  • “I have guys’ names tattooed…four. I’ve gotten them covered up, but I had. I’ve had four.” — Natalie Cuomo (30:53)
  • “I’d be weirded out if a guy showed up with a tattoo of my name.” — Lauren Compton (31:45)

• On How to Train a Gift-Giving Partner:

  • “Pout. Hardcore pouting works…Words of silence.” — Lauren Compton (49:41)

• On Enjoying Single Life:

  • “Take your alone time. Especially if you’re a serial monogamist.” — Lauren Compton (51:16)
  • “If you’re in that single you moment, like, really soak that up.” — Lauren (52:22)

• On Awkward Pregnancy Moments:

  • “She hates you.” — Lauren, after Natalie recounts someone putting their hand on her belly and asking if she was pregnant (41:41)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro / Guest Arrival: 00:30–01:20
• Tattoos Discussion: 01:20–03:15
• Comedy & Austin/NY Chat: 04:37–05:41
• Dating Fans Experience: 04:46–05:14
• Recent Divorce & Marriage History: 05:24–09:19
• Dating “Icks” & Red Flags: 12:36–14:35
• Funny Fan Encounters: 18:27–19:17
• Type and Pattern in Dating: 15:49–16:33
• Dating Age Preferences: 20:40–21:00
• On Love Bombing: 21:47–23:13, 27:39–28:41
• Tattoos and Relationships: 30:53–32:12
• Kids, Parenting & Tattoos: 34:27–36:44
• Unsolicited Pregnancy Comments: 41:33–44:53
• Love Languages: 46:38–48:24
• Train Your Partner (Diamonds): 49:41–50:48
• Advice for Newly Single Natalie: 51:07–52:51

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Tone & Style

The episode is candid, irreverent, and full of comedic banter. Both Lauren and Natalie freely share personal, sometimes embarrassing stories, but always with warmth, humor, and a bit of self-mockery. The conversation is unfiltered but never mean-spirited, painting an authentic look at the messy reality of modern love, dating, and self-discovery.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a must-listen for anyone who loves relationship real talk, sharp wit, and brutally honest tales about the crazy world of dating and personal growth. If you’ve ever wondered what comedians discuss over drinks or on a “first date,” this delivers in spades!

Transcript

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[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First date, baby. First date. First date. What's up, you guys? Welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a super funny comedian. She does stand up all over. She's in New York. You can get tickets to see her at Natalie Cuomo.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Com.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Give it up for Natalie Cuomo. Hey, thank you for coming on.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Thanks for having me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

When did you get to Austin?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yesterday.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Is it your first time?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I was here in, like, 2021.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But a lot has changed.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

A lot's change. Yeah. It's so different now.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you live in New York?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you like New York?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I love. I'm from there. I grew up there.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How many tattoos do you have?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I don't know. I haven't, like, fully counted because I don't know what counts as one, but maybe like 70, 80.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you have them on your chest?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you have them on your back?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

My chest, My legs, Like, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How old are you?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I'm 31.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

When did you start getting tattoos?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Maybe 18.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Wow.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's been a journey.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What's your favorite?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

People always ask.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I like the butterfly in my hand, I guess.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Let me see it. That's a pretty one.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Are they all the same color? Do you have any colored tattoos?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I have one red one.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What is it?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's a dragon.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Where is it?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's like on my. It goes all the way here.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I have one tattoo, and it's also red, and it's a kiss on my butt.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, I love that. That's so fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I heard that Chipotle is having a deal coming up.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I saw that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

If you go to Chipotle and you

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

show them you got, like, free guac,

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

it's a buy one, get one free burrito or whatever. If you show them a tattoo.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Cause people always say, oh, you look like a Chipotle bag.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Is that what they tell you?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I think so.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

And you're like, oh, Chipotle's a million dollar business. Thank you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, I didn't even. I've never Heard that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really? I was thinking that was the correlation. Why they give you a free.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

No, but that's hilarious. No, I just. I don't know what to do because I love Chipotle. I had Chipotle today for lunch.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, but you don't want to show them your butt.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. I can't go in there and be like, look at my tattoo.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You know, maybe you won't even have to do the. Buy one, get one free.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Actual assault.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Is it. If you ask for permission first, then they're probably gonna.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But I don't wanna show them my butt. So do I get another tattoo?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What if I just get a Tipperary tattoo and I trick them?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Airbrush.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's a pinch. Yeah, it could work.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Be worth it for the free burrito.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I also have a bone to pick with everybody here at ymh. The last time that I was here and I did a podcast, I also had Chipotle and I had a green thing in my tooth back here and fucking nobody told me shit.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's annoying.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And you guys let me do two podcasts and in all the promos, I can see it in my tooth.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's crazy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I know y' all are.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Nobody said any.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Bunch of assholes. Everybody here YMH for posting it and letting comments fly.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Wow.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I know.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's annoying.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I can't even tell you how many times I checked my teeth today just to make sure.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Just to make.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah, because I know no one here has my fucking back.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Do you think they did it on purpose just for the comments or they didn't see it?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

No, they're just a bunch of bitches. Just didn't. Just decided to let it go. They're like, oh, joke's on her. That's what happens when you eat.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, no eating for you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Come hungry. Anyway, that's just. I had to just tell everyone that I hated you guys for the remainder of all those posts.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Totally fair.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And as long as they live. So now you're here in Austin. Were you performing?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I did Cap City last night.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How was it?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It was awesome. It was so much fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you ever meet anybody when you perform? Like dating wise? Have you ever dated a fan?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No. I've slept with one fan, like five years ago. That's it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How was it? Did you know he was a fan?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Was he hot? He had been hot.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He was hot. He was hot. For sure. He was Jerry.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So one and done.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

One and done. I don't know. Just like. I don't know. I feel weird about it. There's no. It's awkward.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They just know too much and, like, it's like a skewed. You don't know anything about them. They know all this stuff about you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. Do you have a boyfriend now?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How do you. Are you dating?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I am, like, recently divorced.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, even better.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How long were you married?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really quick one. It's a year and a half.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay. How long were you together before you were married?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

We were together, like, four years total.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh. Well, why didn't the marriage work out?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

We were both comedians.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

And, you know, we just did everything together. And then I just. I don't know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You're just funnier than him. He fell off.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. Let's go with that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Where did you guys get married?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

We got married in New York.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And it only lasted for a year and a half. How did you guys decide to break up?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

What do you mean, how?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Like, who broke up with who?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

We just both agreed, like, you know, that we're better as friends.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Are you friends?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

We're like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

We're.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

We're friendly. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I feel like. Oh, that's nice.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I was friendly with my first ex husband. My only ex husband.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You have an ex husband?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I do have an ex husband.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

And you're married again.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I am married again.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

See, I feel like. I'm like, I can't get married again. Unless it's like, that's the only time you can't have more than one ex husband. I feel.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I agree. Because then it just. Then it starts to be, like, a thing. And then if you start dating people after that, they're like, okay, you can't.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You can't commit to anything.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. You're hopeless.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Exactly.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. So you got to be really sure. How long.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

How long were you with your current husband before you got married?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I was with him for three years.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, okay. I'm like, if I get married again, I have to be with them for, like, 10 years. People are like, when are you going to do it?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah, I. But I. I got pregnant.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And then, like, I kept telling him that I wanted to get married because I don't want to be a baby mama.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Right.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You know? And so I'm like, we have to get married.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And he wouldn't do it. Like, he just didn't care. He. He was fine just being, like, together.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. And you're like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And I was like, this doesn't compute. So, like, a month before I gave birth, I put him in a really. Between a rock and a hard spot, and I was like, I Just want you to know that if I give birth and I don't have your last name, my. Our son is getting my last name.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's badass. I love that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So I'm fine with that. Yeah, if you're fine with that. But that's how that's gonna go.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's awesome.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And then he was like, well, then I guess we ought to tie the knot. And so we went to the clerk's office and, like, pulled a number like, we were at a meat market.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I honestly think it's kind of cute there, like, because I got my marriage license there, like, at the town hall. And it's kind of cute, everyone getting married at the same time. It is, like, sweet.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's whatever. It works. It's the same shit.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It is exactly the same.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I was like, okay, so that's. That's how we got married.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I love that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Now I'm on him about a wedding.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'll probably be on him for, like, four or five years.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, my God.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He's pretty slow, but whatever it happened,

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

as long as you're married, that's what matters.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. I didn't get the ring until a year after we were married.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

But you got the ring?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I ended up getting the ring.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. And it's beautiful.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's like. You know that song, like, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby and a baby carriage.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Mine's like, first comes the baby, then comes marriage, then comes the ring, and then it's like, then comes the wedding. I mean, it's gonna. Like, everything has been so backwards in our relationship.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

But anyway, y. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Be sure about your second one.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

100%. 100%.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So when did you get divorced?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really? Recently. Like, in the last few months.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you think you'll ever go back to him?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

This is too soon. This is too soon. Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And it's too soon to start dating.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So you're just doing.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You just doing me, focusing on myself. Just trying to, like, you know, do what I haven't been doing the last few years.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Has he sent you an I miss you text yet?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Not really.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Dick.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I feel like you deserve that at least.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know. I want an I miss you text.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Everyone loves an I miss you text.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It is nice. Or, like, a Merry Christmas. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Happy birthday, something.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I love that when it's your birthday, you're just like, which. Who's gonna come out of the woodworks?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah, it's always. There's always some people that come out

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

of the woodworks, and you're just like, really? I feel like, oh, if I could tell my during so many breakups, like, don't worry, this motherfucker is going to wish you a merry Christmas in four years. I would have felt so much better dealing with so many things.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How did he propose to you?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He proposed at like an animal sanctuary on my birthday.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's cute.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And let me think. You guys met four years ago. Where'd you meet?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

At a comedy club.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And y' all were both doing comedy?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Mm.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You thought he was funny?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Was he cuter or funnier?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He was both. But I find it very attractive when people are funny.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And then have you had a lot of boyfriends in your past?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Mm. I'm definitely a serial monogamist.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Me too.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, it's hard and I, I just like, I get obsessed with whoever I'm with. I, like, put everything into it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Does he have tattoos?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He has some.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

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[Sponsor Voiceover (State Farm)]

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[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Smart move.

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[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What's Your biggest ick. Hmm.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

My biggest ick. I think it's. I don't know, like, in. In a relationship. I don't, like when people don't. Aren't like, fully in it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, yeah, that sucks.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's like, that's gross to me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I don't know. I don't know what my. Like, I don't have small icks. I just have big icks. Like cheating or stuff like that. That's, like, obviously an ick.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I was just talking to Dr. Brady about men wearing flip flops.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I think if a guy wears flip flops, for me, that's a nick.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't want to see thong sandals on your feet, dude.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I think it's kind of funny when a guy wears flip flops.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I can't.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's so ugly. That is funny. And I keep, like, dating guys that, like, don't have toenails.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What do you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I feel like they don't have toenails. Like, every guy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Where are you hunting?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I don't know, like, every guy past their 30s. Like, there's something. Something going on on the toes. Like, if you can actually flex with the flip flops. Like, good for you, bro.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Dude, being in New York is rough. All these guys walking around, like, with this, like, toe, three, 500 blocks to get to work. They're like, it's a walkable city. Ellie, you have no toenails.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No. It's wild.

[Sponsor Voiceover (Athletic Brewing Company)]

Wow.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

The feet in New York, it's. It's like nothing you've ever seen.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I can imagine.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's coves just curling under.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's. It's goblin feet.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I can see how you would appreciate a nice set of feet and flip flops then. Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

And it's funny. It's like. It's funny that you're walking around like that and you just, like, think it's normal.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Ew.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It is. It is a bit ick. I think it's. I. I feel like it's ick to me if I think a guy has spent too long looking in the mirror. That's like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Like they're too manicured. Yes.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Like, I don't want you to care so much about what you look like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Like that. I feel like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Ugh.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's like, too.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. Have you ever been on dating apps, like, years ago?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I have. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How do you. How do you feel like, when you start getting back into the dating world in the future? In 10 years?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

In 10 years, when you're ready, do

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

you think that you'll. You Would rather meet people in person or do you just want to scroll and, like, see what you're looking for? Okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I feel like in the past when I've been on dating apps, I'll just, like, pick one person and then be like, all right, it's them and it's time to FaceTime.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's so funny. I feel like FaceTiming is pretty important if you're, like, dating on dating apps.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I vet people so hardcore on the dating apps. Like, so hardcore. I'm like, show me a picture of you holding a spoon.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Let me see you and your id.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, it's not accurate. It's like, people don't look anything like their pictures. Like, it's a waste of time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You need double authentication.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Seriously, I need two factor. Yeah, it's a waste.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you have a certain type of.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

If you lined up every guy I've dated, you'd be like, whoa, this makes no sense.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

They just go from. They range from one to the other.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, I'm definitely like, a vibe person. There's no type.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I feel like I can relate to this, and mine is the same way. And I can attest that I did that because when I broke up with one person, I wanted someone so different.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes, exactly.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I didn't want someone anything like what

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I just had ran to the other side.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. And then after that, I run to a different side and I'm like, I really ping ponged.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I did the same exact thing. I was just like, I want the exact opposite.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What's the cringiest kind of guy that you've dated?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Cringiest kind of? Just like, I think cheating is cringy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

So that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What about a profession? Was there like a profession? Have you always dated comics?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I've dated two comics, and that's cringy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's hard when a guy's funny, though.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No, it's really cringey that I've done this. It's embarrassing, it's bad, and I need to be stopped.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You're not allowed to date any other comics.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Never again.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Off limits.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Off limits for sure.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

The cringiest guy I ever dated was an investment banker.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, that's bad.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That was bad. Bad. Because an investment banker is the same thing as, like, an entrepreneur. It's just a person who has no job, and they just. They that. And the word for that is entrepreneur.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And that just means that they're out there just trying to, like, create something out of nothing. And this investment banker would take, like, five. He would take. He would take. He would Connect people and then try to get, like, slime his way into 5% of whatever deal they made is slimy. And then that was, like, the money that he would get.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And that made me look like vomit. I just found that so cringy. And I'm just like, ew. And he was so proud of himself. He's like a professional matchmaker for businesses.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Why was he proud?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Just because, I guess because he felt powerful in the sense that he knew all these people that should meet each other, and then that was, like, such an easy way for him to get money. And he would just follow up on how these relationships were going, and it was just. That was just his M.O. and it just, to this day, just, like, is such a nick to me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I had the cringiest thing happen to me last night.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Tell.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I was doing a meet and greet at my show. This guy took my engagement photo with my ex, edited his face onto my ex's face, and he brought an engagement ring. And he was like, can you please wear this and take a picture with me?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Did you do it? No.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I was like, I can't do this. Like, no, this is too much. Like, this is ridiculous. And then his friend was like, please, it would be so cool for our friend group. I'm like, I don't care about your fucking friend group.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What did the ring look like?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It was. Didn't. It was like a. It was like, you know, like old vintage metal that's just like. Is going to make your finger green. Yeah, it was like that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Ew.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

The ball's on this guy, though.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No. Literally every single step of the way, I was like. And then. And they have to walk away, and you just have to go to the next person, go, hi, how are you? Like, that literally, like, that didn't happen.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's like someone asking to write their name on you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know. And you're just.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's worse.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What are you gonna do with this photo?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, where is this picture going?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Where. What are you doing with this? Ugh.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I was so like you usually. I'm, like, really cool with things, but that. I was like, you have pushed it too far.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Was he sad when you said no?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They were, like, really trying to push it. And then they're like, it's okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Damn.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I wonder what they were trying to do with the info, though. Like, what they were going to do with that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Like, post that picture.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know. I was just like, were you this guy's. You were this guy's dream.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Clearly it was. Yeah. I don't want to give anyone else ideas to bring engagement rings to shows, but this is.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. I mean, if you do make sure that it's not.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Make it a nice ring. Maybe make it, like, a $10,000 ring. I'll consider it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. That'd be nice.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Not some, like, vintage thing from Princess Bride.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Literally, some prop ring.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. Wow.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Weird, right?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. Are you into older guys or young or, like, your age?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I like an older guy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Like, 10 years older. I like some experience. Right. You can see that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's comforting.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. Do you like older guys?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

The oldest guy I ever dated was probably, like, six or seven years older than me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But I never met older guys. Like, I. I was never. I never even.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

What do you mean?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Like, what do you mean?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

When I was dating, I always would. Go on. I would meet guys that were, like, only a few years older than me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I feel like I would go old. I don't know why. There's something in me that. I was just, like, disgusting. I would go fucking old.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How old?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Bad.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You would have been a great playmate.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I would have been. Because I can, like, hold my nose and do anything.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Hefner would have loved you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's crazy. I can dissociate like no other.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Wow.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What's your biggest turn on?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Someone loving me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What about love bombing? You love that?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I love being love bombed. It's my favorite. It gets me every time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How do you know when it's, like it's fake?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I ask myself all the time, but I'll fall for it every time and it doesn't matter.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Have you? This is so random. Have you ever watched Traitors?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Did you watch the last season?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I watched most of it, and then it got ruined on social media, and I was like, I can't keep watching it because I know who wins. Oh. But I've watched, like, almost all of the last season.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

The girl, Maura, I feel like Rob love bombed her behind the scenes.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes. I can see it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And she, like, never went against him because she was, like, low key, love bombed smart. And he's a cute guy.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He's hot.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I mean, he's cute guy.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I can't believe you're just saying cute.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'm married, so he's cute guy. Okay. I'm trying to be respectful.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You're respectful.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He's fucking hot.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He's a fucking hot dude. And he loved Bomb. I think he loved Bombed Maura. And that's how he ended up winning the fucking season.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

The love bombing is ridiculous.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I know.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

People can do. It's impressive.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's crazy impressive.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I've been love bombed to crazy degrees.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Tell me about it. What's the craziest love bomb that's ever happened?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, just like, people being like, I'm crying about how much I love you, blah, blah, blah, and like a month later, they just don't give a. At all.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Just stop calling. Yeah. Jerks.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you love bomb back?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you match this love bomb? Dude.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Dude, of course. It's not fun if you don't match it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

If someone's like, I love you, I'm like, I love you too, dude.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

We're a match made in heaven.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Let's see what happens.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And do you. What's, I guess the most romantic thing that's ever happened to you?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Getting married? No. I will say my wedding was like, my favorite day of my life. It was really. It was the best day ever.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay, then that. That's definitely.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It was like the most awesome day. I loved it. It was like super happy day in my life, and it was really awesome.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That is nice.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

When I got married, I had a panic attack and ripped my dress off in a field.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No way. I did. I. I thought you were like a court or something.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So I had two weddings.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay. Oh, right.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

One was a drive through. Oh, wait, no, you're talking about my most recent husband.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, yeah, I'm talking.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You're talking about the old one that was at court.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And then. But my first husband, I went through a drive through in Las Vegas to get papers because he was an illegal immigrant.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He was from Italy, so we had to get his green card. And then a couple months later, we had, like, a real wedding and we had family members come and stuff. And I was in this really tight corset dress. And long story short, his family didn't speak any English and my family didn't speak any Italian. And there was a huge miscommunication between all of the family. And it was like water and oil. And just. There was there like. No, it was. I mean, imagine having, like, two worlds trying to, like, mingle. Combine. Yeah. And it was really hard to be there and do that. And I just ended up. There was so much going on that I just. My anxiety took over and I had this crazy panic attack and I ripped my dress off and had to put on sweats and I, like, couldn't do it.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, no. I was like, this is Too much.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It was way too stressful. So yeah, don't get a corset dress.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's a lot.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Or an Italian husband.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That sounds really, really stressful.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It was bad.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I've only been love bombed once.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

What?

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[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'm gonna need you to sign this.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Assuming you don't have superpowers.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I never work again. If anyone found out, my lips are sealed.

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[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

If I'm not being love bombed, I feel like they don't like me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

After this one person love bombed me though, Because it scared me. I was like, ew.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You don't feel like they mean what they say?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah, yeah. I'd rather like wait a year and then you be romantic as hell a year than be love bombed right off the bat.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I don't have the time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I like to fight for it.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I can't wait a year for the. I mean a year.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

They still like you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I don't want to be liked.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You want to be loved.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. That's so boring. I don't have the time. I'm not going to waste my time on someone that likes me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, I will. If you like me. That's all that matters.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Ew, that's so boring. I want someone to be like, I will burn down my house for you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

No, I need someone to hold back, and I need to wonder what's behind their eyes. I need to wonder if you're gonna burn your house down for me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I want to see the flames.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Like, I need to. I like a guy to kind of hold back and make me. And feel like a little mystery, and it makes me just keep kind of coming for you. If I get you all in the bag all up front, all at once, then I'm like, I got you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I want the bag.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That just was. That's so funny. I can't. I. I don't know. I don't. I guess it's my. My trust.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

What do you mean?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Like, if. If.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

If.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So it's like. Like, I would imagine that it's like if a girl gives it up too soon.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

There's no chase for a guy.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Hmm. But it's like, if they don't give it up, I'm like. Like, why aren't you giving it up? What's the big. What's the problem? Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That makes me chase.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That makes me think, what's wrong with me? You don't like me. You're not giving it to me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I like to wonder.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. I think most people are like you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know, from. From all the first dates I've had, I'd say most people are like you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really? You've had a lot of first dates.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I have.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So it does seem like most people enjoy being very much loved up front.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Right.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And I can see that. I mean, you want that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You want to feel that. I just want to know that something's gonna. That you're gonna. That you're not. So you're not in love with everyone that you meet up front.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That you're special.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. That when you fall in love with me, I won you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I want it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That you actually worked for it and that it's not just like, you can meet another girl tomorrow and do the

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

same thing, feel the same.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's more about what it is for me. I think I get that, but because I've had that. That's because that has happened, and I'm like, ew. And Then I'm like, you're gross. You're just fake.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

And I feel like it is the case with a lot of guys that they can just do that like that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. But guy a lot. Maybe that's because guys like to get laid.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They do.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And so they'll just.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They'll just put it out. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

They're like, I love. They say, what? A girl. They think they.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Girl. The girl wants to hear, why can't I talk today?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I even had two cups of coffee so that I could be, like, aware of the world. Maybe that's my problem.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. I have guys names tattooed.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

How many guys?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I've gotten them covered up, but I had. I've had four.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Why?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Because it's fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Is it, like, a show of affection?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, it's fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Did they tattoo your name on them?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Two of them did. Two of them didn't.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What the fuck did the other two do?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I don't know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

They're like, thanks.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They're just like, cool.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So did you, like, go get the tattoo and then come back and you're like, hey, look what I got.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay. The two that have my name, we did it together.

[Sponsor Voiceover (State Farm)]

Okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

The two that didn't, I got the tattoo, and I was like, look, did

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

they think it was weird or creepy?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No, they didn't think it was creepy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I mean, maybe they did. I don't know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know. If a guy showed up with a tattoo of my name on himself, you'd

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

be like, get lost.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'd be weirded out.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I guess I'm a creep.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

No, but I'm also such a per. Like, a perfectionist that, like, I would judge the handwriting.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

What?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

The style of font.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

So funny.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'd be like, you couldn't pick a better font than that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You would care about the font?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I would care about the font. The size. If it was too big or too small, really be like, oh, I'm only worth an inch.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You wouldn't care about the gesture. Mm. Wow. I think at this point, if I did it for another guy, they'd be like, I don't know if they'd be like, well, it doesn't matter. You've done it so many times.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'd be like, you have too much free time. You're going somewhere and getting my name tattooed on you. What are you doing in your free time, dude? We could have been hanging out. I'm lonely.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's fair. That's fair. It's so fun, though. It's like, it's a fun. It's like, oh, I tattooed your name to my skin. This is awesome.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I beyond me because I don't think tattoos are fun. Why are tattoos fun? Aren't they painful?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

What do you mean? You have kiss on your butt.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I got one when I was 18

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

and that was fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It was fun.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I admit it. It was fun. But it wasn't so fun that I went back and ever did it again.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. I don't know. I think they're fun. I think they're addicting and fun, but we're different.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I can see how they're addicting. You even have them, like, close to your fingernails.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

What do all the lines mean?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They don't mean anything.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I feel like you're in some tribe and you're not telling me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know. That would be amazing. I'm in a secret tribe.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Show me your hands. You are so in a tribe. You're holding the fucking stuff spear, dude.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You'll never know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Damn. I want to know what secret tribe. Doesn't she look like she's in a tribe? So do you do guys that are. When guys are really tatted up, Is that hot to you?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes. Yeah. I don't know why. Like, someone could be really mid. But if they're, like, covered in tattoos, I'll be like, they're so hot.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Someday when you have a kid, I feel like it's gonna be really fun for them to color your tattoos.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's what I was thinking. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You're gonna be like a coloring book.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Exactly.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's gonna be dope.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I think so.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'm not even a kid and I want to color them in.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You're like, what color is Pikachu?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Exactly. Get some, like, markers.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I think that'd be cool. Yeah, I think that'd be fun. That's like a fun way to do it.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. I wonder if I have kids if they'll hate tattoos because I have them. They'll just be like. Or they'll go the other way.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know. Usually kids kind of want to be like their parents.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

My. My son is one, and he's starting to be like me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He just wants to go on first dates.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He's mimicking me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He's doing everything I do. Oh. The other day I was sweeping and he wanted my broom so bad, so I let him have my broom, but he's so. It's broom is massive compared to a little one. Year old, walking around. So he just holds it above his head and just, like, runs around the house like he. Man. So my mom got him a little tiny baby broom, and he'll sweep when I sweep. And then if I spill something and I clean it, I have to get another towel so that he can clean with me. Like, he just likes doing stuff that I do. But now he's also. Instead of saying no when he does something bad, I go, uh. And he'll look at me now, whenever I do something, I'm like, I'm gonna go into my bedroom. He'll go, uh, uh. And so he'll start telling me no in that way. And so it's cute. And so he's becoming me. So I feel like children want to be what they see. So you'll probably have to get, like, your baby will have to have the little baby outfit that has, like, the sheer mesh sleeves and the fake tattoos. You have to do that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That would be so fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you want kids? I'm over here telling you what you should do with your children that you don't have yet.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I mean, if I have, like, a partner that I feel like would be a good parent, that's fair.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah, but do you want children?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I've always pictured myself having kids, but at this point in my life, I'm like, I. Now I'm like, you're like, a month

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

and a half divorced.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. So it's weird to think about.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah, you don't have to think about it. I was just wondering if you ever. Excuse me? If that was, like, something that you, like, wanted to have.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I've always pictured having kids, but, yeah, right now I feel weird.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I never pictured having kids. Really? Yeah. I just got pregnant. I got knocked up. And then I was like, oh, shit, I've trapped a man.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Nice.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's awesome. At first I felt trapped. For, like, three days, I felt like he trapped me. I was like, oh, my gosh, this guy trapped me. And then I was like, ooh, he's gotta marry me now.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And I was. I'm so in love with him. So I was like, this is perfect. And so then I devised an evil scheme. And then that's when, a month before I gave birth, we went to the court.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Evil scheme was genius.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Evil scheme worked.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So getting knocked up really works if you like someone who doesn't really want to tie it down. Get knocked up smart. It works.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I think a lot of people have done that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

This isn't new. I don't have this genius idea. I'M like, hey, ladies and gentlemen, I have a secret to tell you. If you really want to lock your partner down, get pregnant.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. Did you. Did you have any idea that it was coming, or.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

No. Okay. No. For, like, probably a couple of. I would say only like, two weeks. I was in Morocco, and we were on a vacation. Whoa. It was for my birthday. I always wanted to go to Morocco.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, my God.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So we were in Morocco, and before that, we were in Spain. So we went from Spain to Morocco. But when we got to Morocco, he was like, you're pregnant.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He knew.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He knew.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

How did he know?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know. He always said my boobs looked bigger, which is weird because I already had really big boobs. And so I'm like, I don't know about this.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And so, like, every day for, like, a week that we were in Morocco, he'd be like, enjoy that cocktail because you're pregnant. And so it was, like, his way of telling me that, like, he thought that I was pregnant. I was 100% sure that you weren't. That I wasn't. And I was like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's so interesting that he was that intuitive.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, my God. He's super intuitive about pretty much everything.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's cool. That's attractive.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And so when we got home, I had one pregnancy test, and I peed on the stick, and I just left it in the bathroom, and I went in the kitchen to, like, I don't know, like, clean a dish or do something. And from the bathroom, he just yelled. He was like, yo, you're pregnant. And I was like. I just, like, turned off the water, put everything down, and I was like, oh, my God, this is the first time I'm ever gonna be fat. And it was like my whole world just, like, changed right then and there. And then that's when it took me, like, three days. And I was like, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna, like, manage my life? What am I gonna. Like, everything's about to change. And then. And then I guess it just, like. I just, like. It hit me a couple days later, and I was just like, this is actually, like, the perfect person to do this with.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's so nice.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And then it, like. It all started to, like, settle.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But it was super shocking finding that out, man. I sprinted so fast to that bathroom and, like, picked up the stick, and I was like, oh, my God, there's, like, a double line. I was like, what do I do with this? I was like, I know. I'll make a sketch. And it was wild.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Damn.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. And then the second time that I got pregnant, I was super excited. And I knew it. I could feel it. I was like, I think I'm pregnant again. And so then I got this stick, and I ran out into the bedroom, and I was like, number two. And he didn't believe it. Really? He didn't think that. He was like, but we haven't been trying that hard. And I'm like, guess we didn't have to try that hard. And so he was, like, super sketched out for a second. I'm like, yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He thought he was, like, so good at guessing pregnancies. After that, he got coffee.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'm like, what do you think of being, like, going behind your back, like, right? I'm like, no, dude. And so he didn't know how to. He didn't know how to accept it at first.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

So you have two kids.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

This is the second one.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, my God. I'm like, wait, I just got lost.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I have one who's a year old, and then I'm almost five months pregnant.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's crazy. Congratulations.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Thank you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, my God.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You noticed I went to the bathroom.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know, but I was just like. I'm like, I did. I don't know. I'm just like, this is crazy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'm on number two. August 3rd.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, my God. This is. This is a whirlwind. It's a whirlwind of a story.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But I never thought I'd have kids.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Wait. I honestly. I, like, noticed, but I didn't, like, register. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You just thought I was fat?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No, I didn't think you were fat.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You thought I was fat?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I didn't think you were fat, no, because it's like, your face is skinny,

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

but my belly is, like, out to here. Wait until I'm nine months pregnant. People ask me if I'm having twins all the time when I'm like, really?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, yeah. Can I tell you, this comic actually came up to me the other day, like. And she put her hand on my stomach and asked me if I was expecting. Isn't that crazy?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

She hates you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

She hates me. I was like, I don't know you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, let's cancel this person.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know. It was, like, actually the meanest thing anyone has ever done.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's terrible. I know. I. You know when. After I gave birth three months later, I went to Shake Shack and I went inside. I usually don't. I hate going inside of these places. And showing my face and proving that I eat trash.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'd rather just drive through a window and hide.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I want to eat facing a wall at all times.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. I feel like if no one sees it, it never happened. It didn't happen. But I went inside of the Shake Shack, and I'm sitting there and I'm ordering my double burger and my fries with the cheese on the side, and I'm, like, about to punch that. I want an Oreo milkshake. And a worker comes up to me and was like, congratulations. How far along are you? And I was three months post birth. But I guess I still had your body. Like, you don't just lose your belly all of a sudden, right? I fucking put my finger back down. I, like, felt like I couldn't order the Oreo mish. Cause I was like, oh, my God. And instead of tell me if this was right or wrong.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Instead of telling her that I wasn't pregnant because I didn't want her to feel embarrassed.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's nice of you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I was like, I'm four months pregnant.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

But then you would deserve the milkshake.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But I didn't know what to do. I was like, oh, my God. If I don't. Because she's like, how far along are you? And I'm like, if I would have been like, I'm not pregnant, then she would feel bad. Yeah. And I like. But then I left feeling bad.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It depends on your mood. Sometimes you want other people to feel bad.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I didn't want her to feel. She was so nice, but she was such a dumb bitch.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

She was a dumb bitch.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You can't do that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's crazy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

It's nuts to me. Even if you're nine months pregnant, it's not your business. I don't go up to anyone and tell them, congratulations. No. You could be bloated.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes. You have no idea what someone else is going.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Would you ever go up to someone

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

and assume I would never talk to a stranger doing my own thing? I mean, not like, that's crazy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's terrifying to me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

So did you get anything?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I got the burger and I got the fries, but I didn't get the milkshake. And I still to this day regret that milkshake not having not had it.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Someone get her a milkshake, please.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't want one now. It's too late. The time has passed.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Oh, damn. She really ruined it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

She really ruined it. And then the fact that I had to, like, lower myself down to being pregnant again to make her not feel bad. It was a bad day.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't even think I enjoyed the burger. By that time it was just all spoiled.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes. She ruined the whole meal.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I have not been into Shake Jackson's. Damn. Anyway, that's my sad story. Yeah, it's sad, but at least I had given birth. You hadn't given birth and someone asked you.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It was crazy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Had you just had a big meal?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No. I was wearing a puffer jacket. And she's like, I thought I saw a post online. And I go, look. I'm like, she doesn't follow me. And I'm like, what is wrong? What is going on here?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Had you ever met her before?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do we like this person? No. I didn't think so.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So she was just being rude.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Ew.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's. What really got me was the hand on the stomach.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Like, don't touch me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah. Do people touch you a lot when you're pregnant? Yeah. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I had a lady come up to me and touch my belly the other day, but she asked permission and she wanted to bless my belly. And I was like, this kind of feels like witchcraft, but sure, why not, right? And then I let her do it. But she did ask.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, but it's weird to say. It's like, feels weird saying no. No.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I would say no.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You would.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But she wanted to give me a blessing, and I take all the blessings.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's true.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Anyone want to bless me? Bless me?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you know what I mean?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know. It's just like, if someone's like, can I pet your dog? And you're like, no. I know. It's a weird comparison, actually.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Do you have any animals?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I have a dog.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. Do you put it in pajamas?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

He has a sweatshirt, but he doesn't have pajamas. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I feel like when people dress up their dogs and animals and stuff, you need a kid.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's time. It's time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You need. You got him.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You need to shift.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

To a child. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Back to touching, though. No, I don't like it when people touch me in general.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Do you like physical affection, like, in a relationship? Like, what's your love language?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Gifts.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Hmm.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You can tell me you love me a lot of different ways, but a diamond.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Oh, yeah. I made this very clear to my husband.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's nice.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And so now he really has nailed it. At first, he was terrible with gifts. Our first Christmas, no gift. My birthday, no gift. What? Yeah, I know. I was like, you fucking hate me, don't you? You hate me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Why no gift?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

He's Not a gift giver. So I had to make it abundantly clear that gifts. That when someone gives me a gift, it takes thought you have to go out of your way and go get it. You have to wrap it. There's time out of your day. You have to think about what you want to give me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Y.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But I'm a great gift giver.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Right. So I know how to.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I go all out. I set a scene.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Really?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I'm like, oh, yeah. I'm like into like theatrics.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Nice.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And so when I'm giving a gift, I make sure that it is like a party big and it's a big deal. And I put like all kinds of emotion and sentiment and like secret private jokes or whatever you call. What are those called? Inside jokes. And so I do like, a lot whenever it's like any time to give gifts and think about how many times a year you give gifts, like, a lot. So I'm always trying to think of ways to, like, show that I love the person that I'm with.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So if my birthday comes around or Christmas and you don't fucking give me anything, you're canceled. You don't like me.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's fair.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So now he's very, very good at gift giving.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I feel like you just convinced me to care about if people give me a gift.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I feel like it's an important way.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Love. What's your love language? I like words of affirmation.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Okay. That's what you feel like. Bloodbombing.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah, exactly. If someone doesn't say nice things, I'm like, how do I know that you feel them?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

But I guess their actions and stuff.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Diamonds.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Diamonds.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Diamonds really, really work.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I guess they last forever.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I feel like if you just, like, date broke people, though, then they can't afford the diamonds. You know what I mean?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That would never work.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know. I did date a broke guy one time, and he. But he found other ways to give gifts that were not diamonds. I'm just at an age now where diamonds are really pretty.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They're the only answer.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And I really, really like to wear them.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

But, yeah, my. My first husband was broke, but he found a way to be romantic all the time. Don't ever post that as a promo. My husband now will think that he just has to do other things and buy diamonds. And I just got him hooked on buying diamonds. Got him on diamonds. So let's not deter that it took me so long to finally get that in the bag. I did. And it's Like, I don't want him to hear that someone else, another dog, got a bone for a lot less.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

What was. What's your advice? To train them?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Pout. Hardcore pouting works.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Words of silence.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Words of silence.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Like, just go. Like, just be pissed and pout. Be pissed and pout. And no words and just the. It's fine.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's classic.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. So the classic. The classic. I don't like you either. And so then. And then they're like. And then they scrap. They scramble. And they're like, what did I do? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? And I'm like, you don't love me. You don't care. You don't care. Unless, like, there's no show of love. No show. Dropping your pants doesn't do it.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

No. Oh, my God, no.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

So that's. That's. I would just say words of silence. Pout. And it's fine.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I've never heard words of silence, and I'm obsessed.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

That's what I would do. That's what you do. That's my. That's my. That's the start. That's the. The how to Get Diamonds Kickstarter package.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That's good. I'm gonna take that one. Take that one for the road.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I don't know what else I would do. Yeah. Anyway, we have time for one more question. Do you have any questions for me?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay. What is your really good advice for me as, like, a newly single divorcee?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You gotta date when you're ready.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Take your alone time.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Especially if you're a serial monogamist. I am.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

It's so hard for me to be single.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I know. I get that.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And I feel like, for me, I always did better in life with a partner. I was happier, I thrived more. I had better energy. But then it took when I. There was a small window of my life that I was really single and I didn't really care about dating. And those nights that I would have and just, like, order pizza and, like, binge watch a show and, like, just do me for a while. I really loved that small moment of my life. And a piece of me wishes that I would have stayed in that just a little bit longer. Because when you do find the person that you want to be with forever, then you're with them forever.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And you don't have that little. That part of you, Right.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

That you're like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You know what I mean? Like, you're just not single. You don't have that single. You So I would just say if you're in that single you moment, it, like, really soak that up.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Savor it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

And so hard.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

I know. That'd be my advice, though, don't, like, rush into meeting someone else because you'll get swooped in and you'll be in another long relationship and it has nothing to do with healing. Yeah, like, I'm not telling you to heal. Yes, don't heal.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I don't like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

You don't even like. You know what I mean? Like, just. You can be how you can feel however you want to feel, but at least, like, enjoy the you time.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I get that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

While you have it.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Because serial monogamists, dude, it's so hard.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I always have a boyfriend. Always.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. Boys are fun.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

They are fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

They're fun till they're not.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

I know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

And then you just go to the next one.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Then you're like, oh, let's see what you have to offer.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah, but they're always fun in the

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

beginning, and beginnings are the most fun.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Yeah. And then you gotta pout and use

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

words of silence and ask for diamonds.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Well, thank you for coming on my show.

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

Thanks for having me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Where can people find you?

[Natalie Cuomo (guest comedian)]

You can find me at Natalie Cuomo on social platforms, Natalie Cuomo underscore on instagram and natalie cuomo.com for tour dates.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcast host)]

Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number. First Date, your parents are your roommates. First date.

[Sponsor Voiceover (Athletic Brewing Company)]

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