Sean Patton’s Guide to the Perfect NYC First Date | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Episode: Sean Patton’s Guide to the Perfect NYC First Date
Date: February 17, 2026
Guests: Sean Patton (Comedian, actor from FX’s "English Teacher")
Theme:
Lauren Compton “dates” comedian Sean Patton on the show, exploring how to spot red flags and what makes someone truly dateable, all while uncovering Sean’s unique take on the perfect first date in New York City. The conversation is hilarious, irreverent, and packed with honest takes on dating, city life, and the joy of a really good burger.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. New Orleans, Mardi Gras Culture, and Moving to NYC

• Sean’s Roots: Opens with Sean’s upbringing in New Orleans and the distinct family-friendly versus wild sides of Mardi Gras.
  • "You can see tits whenever you want... throw beads at your phone." (Sean, 01:32)
• Transition to New York: Now based in Brooklyn after nearly 20 years in NYC.
• Roberta’s Pizza Debate: Lauren gushes about Roberta’s, Sean realizes he confused it with Speedy Romeo.
  • "Maybe I've never been to Roberta's... Everything you just said could be anywhere in Brooklyn." (Sean, 03:16–03:49)

2. Barbecue Rivalry (Franklin's vs. Terry Black's)

• Barbecue and Lauren’s Family Legacy: Sean reveals his preference for Terry Black’s (Lauren’s husband’s family joint) over the more famous Franklin’s, especially due to line length and efficiency.
  • "Go to Terry Black's because you don't have to wait in line for six hours." (Sean, 05:30)
  • Discusses absurdity of waiting hours for barbecue, and Sean tells an amusing tale about forgotten barbecue, an after-hours party, and an emotionally charged one-night encounter in San Antonio.

3. Sean’s Current Relationship & Dating Philosophy

• Sean’s Girlfriend:
  • Together for about a year; met after she attended his NYC show as a fan of his TV work.
  • Spontaneous connection: conversation during his set, mutual southern roots ("She took a rifle class in middle school... so southern!" — Sean, 11:13)
  • Immediate chemistry led to a first kiss that very night.
• NYC Living Dynamics:
  • Values space and independence: "We have our spaces, and it's great when it's like, 'Hey, you're home, I'm home. We're doing our own things.'" (Sean, 16:29)
  • Sean’s fondness for the subway, cabs, city bikes; the joy of getting 20,000 steps a night as a comic.

4. Dating in NYC & The “Perfect First Date” Blueprint

• Sean’s Confession: Not much of a dater; jumps into relationships quickly and intensely. Lauren is similar — "If I go on a date with you and I like you, I'm already 75% in." (Lauren, 21:00)
• Sean’s Ultimate NYC First Date (20:00–43:00):
  • Season: Autumn, because "the leaves are changing, you get to wear light jackets and you’re not all sweaty."
  • Start: Meet at the Brooklyn Promenade for a scenic walk (aim for 30–42 minutes, not the originally proposed hour).
    • "That half hour walk will set the tone..." (Sean, 25:52)
  • Provisions: Pick up beers at a bodega en route—public drinking is sort of tolerated post-pandemic.
  • Dinner: Keep it unfussy—suggests the original Shake Shack in Madison Square Park, strongly advocates for Shake Shack over In-N-Out or Five Guys.
    • "Shake Shack...that’s the best fucking cheeseburger ever of all of the chains. Over In-N-Out, over Five Guys." (Sean, 30:13)
  • Activity: Ping pong in Tompkins Square Park or in the West Village (bring your own paddle/ball!).
  • Comedy Detour: Impromptu set at Gotham Comedy Club ("but I make it look like we just walked in and they ask me to go up!" — Sean, 34:16), then repeat at the Comedy Cellar.
  • Nightcap: Bar hop through West Village, including gay bars ("I’m a bear. … It’s flattering. I wish I were gay; I’d have so many options." (Sean, 40:09)).
  • Ending: Either a romantic kiss and goodbye or a platonic fall-asleep-cuddling scenario, building anticipation for next time ("the build of anticipation" — Sean, 41:14).
    • "She wakes up earlier … realizes she's lost four pounds from all that walking...and then we have morning sex." (Sean, 42:40)

5. Comic Relief: How NOT to Do a First Date

• Both hosts recount nightmare first dates:
  • The “talks way too much” guy and how one woman coolly called off the date outside Cantor’s Deli.
    • "He just talked, didn't stop to listen, didn't ask barely any questions about me…" (Anonymous recount, 22:57)
  • Lauren’s solution: just drink more to ride out a bad date.
• Inventive exit strategies: bring B12 disguised as “party drugs” (23:55), or use hidden fart machines to test a date’s vibe (24:19).

6. Austin & South by Southwest (SXSW) Tangents

• Lauren and Sean swap notes on Austin’s evolution, South by Southwest culture, and the over-the-top world of corporate festival parties.
  • "South By is just a lot of companies that come to Austin, rent out spaces, have a party, and then have a lot of money to throw around." (Lauren, 49:56)
• Sean’s wild anecdotes: getting paid $5,000 to hang out and tell jokes at a bar when a tour fell through.
• Both agree: SXSW-style dates are a nightmare (unless you thrive in chaos).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Seeing Boobs at Mardi Gras:

  • "You have the Internet, right? ...You can see tits whenever you want. Right now." (Sean, 01:32)

• On Waiting for Barbecue:

  • "People will bring a lunch to wait in line to eat lunch at Franklin's. That's fucking insane." (Sean, 05:14)

• On His DMs:

  • "My DMs are rife with gay men that look exactly like me who have zero filter. It's flattering. ...I wish I were gay." (Sean, 40:09)

• On First Dates and Anticipation:

  • "As I've gotten older, there's part of me that appreciates the...build of anticipation." (Sean, 41:14)
  • "She wakes up earlier than me…realizes she's lost four pounds from all that walking…and then we have morning sex." (Sean, 42:40)

• On the Joys of Walking:

  • "One of my favorite things about being a comedian in New York is how many steps you get in." (Sean, 17:46)

• On the NYC Comedy Scene:

  • "In New York, I love not having a car. ...If I need a car to go on road gigs, I'll rent one or I'll take a train." (Sean, 19:08)

• On the Worst First Date Venue:

  • "South by Southwest...terrible first date. Horrible. Or the greatest first date ever, because if you can make a connection in that way, you're meant to be." (Sean & Lauren, 52:30–52:44)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:50 — Sean’s New Orleans roots and how Mardi Gras is truly celebrated
• 02:36 — Life in Brooklyn and the Roberta’s pizza debate
• 04:39 — The great Texas Barbecue debate (Franklin’s vs. Terry Black’s)
• 06:28–09:51 — Sean’s wild road story involving leftover barbecue, an after-party, and an emotionally charged hotel night in San Antonio
• 10:00–11:19 — Meeting his girlfriend at a show and instant chemistry
• 16:47–17:49 — Why Sean loves transportation and walking in NYC as a comic
• 20:00–43:00 — Sean’s perfect NYC first date: walking, Shake Shack, comedy clubs, bar-hopping, and the "cuddling vs. anticipation" dilemma
• 22:57–23:32 — The first date disaster outside Cantor’s Deli and how to bail
• 49:11–52:44 — SXSW stories, corporate party absurdity, and how those parties are a "terrible first date"
• 53:24 — Sean plugs his tour, website, and encourages fans to check out “English Teacher”

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Final Notes & Tone

The episode is playful, high-energy, and candid, with Sean and Lauren riffing on the cultural quirks of both New Orleans and New York, trading barbs about barbecue, and building an elaborate (and very walk-heavy) NYC fantasy date. Both approach dating with a mix of humor, skepticism, and a heartfelt appreciation for authentic connection—whether that’s through sharing a Shake Shack burger or racking up Fitbit steps across Manhattan.

For Listeners:
You’ll get an insider’s guide to both the magic and misery of NYC dating—plus plenty of comedy, food arguments, and honest laughs about what it means to really click with someone—all without ever setting foot in a nightclub line or waiting six hours for brisket.

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Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. What is up? Thank you for tuning in to another episode of First Date. You can see my guest today on tour all over the country, and you may recognize him from FX's English teacher. Give it up for Sean Patton.

[B]

Oh, there's actual. Actual people clapping. This is awkward for. That's awkward for a first date.

[A]

It's my live studio audience behind the control room.

[B]

Yes. I'm not even. I'm not. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna look in that direction because I'll get nervous. Trying to stay confident. Trying to stay confident in the moment.

[A]

Where are you from?

[B]

New Orleans, Louisiana.

[A]

That's fun.

[B]

Yeah. Yep. Grew up and then. And then my parents moved us to the suburbs of New Orleans when I was a teenager, which, you know, suburbs, you know.

[A]

Have you had some good Mardi Gras?

[B]

A lot. A lot of good Mardi Gras, yeah. Have you ever been to Mardi Gras?

[A]

Not in New Orleans.

[B]

Elaborate.

[A]

I've seen, like, Mardi Gras parades in la. I don't think that's really Marty Gr, though. I think that's just women with new boob jobs showing off.

[B]

Showing off her beads.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I don't think the per. I don't know if that. The parade. I don't know which came first, the Marty Gr or the parade. I'm going to guess the parade. But, yeah, there are. There are a lot of boobs in New Orleans during Mar. But not. Not in the parades. Oh, the parades are for the families, believe it or not. Yeah, forget about that part.

[A]

It's supposed to be.

[B]

That's how it's supposed to be. Then later, people take the goods they get at the. At the parades and go into the French Quarter and. And boobs. I've never. People get. I think when you're, like, walking down the street, if someone elects to show you their tits, awesome. But when you see, like, hordes of fuckers like, chanting, like, trying to convince women to show their tits, I'm like, you have the Internet, right? You have the Internet, right? You can see tits whenever you want. Right now. Right now, you could see them. You don't have to chant. You can if you want to, just pull up your phone, pull up pornhub, and then tits, tits, tits, tits, tits. Throw beads at your phone. But it's. But outside of that, there's a lot of other shit to do. Mardi Gras.

[A]

Where do you live now?

[B]

New York City. Brooklyn, New York.

[A]

Brooklyn's cool. Do you. Have you ever been to Roberta's?

[B]

I have. I. Yes, I have been to Roberta's.

[A]

I love Roberta's.

[B]

I not. I'm not. I'm not gonna say I don't agree with you, which is called. I. I do like Roberta's.

[A]

Roberta's is a pizza place for y' all that don't know. And it's. It's actually really, really, really, really good. I have a good time in there. I like the music they play. They kind of. I don't know if they still do, but they. Whenever I was going, they would play like fun rap music. They'd make it like a vibe and there's Christmas lights in there and like some weird decor.

[B]

Maybe. Wait, maybe I've never been to Roberta's.

[A]

The one in Brooklyn.

[B]

Now they're saying all this. I'm like, wait, that sounds great. That's not what I was thinking of. Shit. Where in Brooklyn is it?

[A]

Oh, man, I should just.

[B]

You know what I could do? Internet.

[A]

Use the Internet.

[B]

Internet. Now I'm gonna go. Now I'm gonna go.

[A]

Yeah, it's in. The only one that I've been to is. Is in Brooklyn. But I know that they have some other locations.

[B]

What the shit am I thinking of?

[A]

It's across the street from like, it's next to a coffee shop. It's across from thrift store. Like, it's very close to like a little shopping thrift store.

[B]

Everything you just said could be anywhere in Brooklyn.

[A]

Anywhere in Brooklyn.

[B]

It's like next to a coffee shop, grocery from a thrift store. Down the block from a rock climbing. That's not true.

[A]

It's very hip. They have this indoor. You walk in, there's a big. It's where they're making all the pizza and they have a fire pit and then they have like some picnic table looking seating. And then they have a bar in the back. And then there's like an outside area. Area to the left.

[B]

I'm thinking of. I'm thinking of a place called Speedy Romeo.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Which is similar to what you're. That is a very.

[A]

Like, you have to take the pizza off the screen. I'm so hungry. I cannot watch that.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

They're like doing slow motion over pizza crust. I'm like, no.

[B]

Yeah. Pizza is New York's barbecue for. For. For you Texans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're Obsession.

[A]

Great analogy.

[B]

I mean, I look, I love barbecue, but every time I come here, people throw another place at me. I'm Like, I don't.

[A]

Where's your favorite barbecue place?

[B]

I mean, I hate to admit it just because I disagree with the people who. Franklin's. Wow. But, but, but, but I've never. I'm going to say that. I'm going to say this once. I've never stood in line and I. And I hear people will stand in line for six hours to eat barbecue. To me, that is out of the. No, come on, it's food.

[A]

What's your second favorite?

[B]

Terry Blacks.

[A]

Yay, Terry Black.

[B]

But I have stood in line. I have stood in line with Terry Blacks. But that line goes quick.

[A]

It does go quick.

[B]

People will. I've heard people will bring a lunch to wait in line to eat lunch at Franklin's. That's fucking insane.

[A]

My husband is so proud of how fast that line goes because.

[B]

Is your husband Terry Black?

[A]

His dad is Terry Black, but he started Terry Blacks.

[B]

Oh, Terry Black's is fucking great.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Go to Terry Blacks because you don't have to wait in line for six hours. No, Terry Black is fantastic.

[A]

He has worked so hard at, at making that line move. And he. And like, he's very proud. He's always like, he should be very proud. He's like, I don't want people to wait that long. I want them line to constantly be moving. So you get your food and you just sit down and enjoy it. So he would love to hear that.

[B]

That. And, and, and, and I'm going to say this and not. And I'm not just saying this because this is your husband. The right there quality was right there. Like, if you could see the slight. I want to get. I want the camera to be able to see that there's a. It's a. It's a Monaco. It's a slate only because the guys at Franklin's were awesome. They took us, they showed us how they smoked the brisket for two years or whatever. And it's like that, it's. That. By the way, it's brisket smoked for two straight years. But I only got to go. Cause I was opening for David Cross and he got us in the back and we got like a VIP treatment and it was wild and etc. But wait, you want to hear a story?

[A]

Always.

[B]

This is a quick one. So we go, we get all this barbecue, right? They, they give us just like, they don't. They're like, here, here's a platter. It's too much food. We can't finish it all. We pack up most of it. We drive to San Antonio. We get to San Antonio, get to the hotel, do our show. It's awesome. And then we get back to the hotel and realize, oh, we forgot all this barbecue. It's still in the car. It's still in the car. It's still in, like, the. But it was like, I don't give a. It. Hold it. Like, I went. I checked, and it was like, it's fine. I brought it into my hotel room, which had a little fridge, and just put it in there. I was like, I'll just deal with that. I'll eat that in the morning. Right. And then. And then he went to bed, and I went out and had some drinks, and there was this girl I met, and she was at the show, and she was very nice, and we had some more drinks, and we end up going out and getting crazier. And then she takes me to this, like, after hours party in. In San Antonio. I know, wild. But it was. It was the kind of. It was like. It was the kind of thing we had to go. You had to have a code word.

[A]

Speakeasy kind of thing.

[B]

Yeah. And then they, like, put everyone in this one room, and the lights were all off, and these bouncers with like, like, black light, like, pads came and took the COVID But the guy, one of the guys recognized me. He's like, don't worry about it. I'm like, ooh, whoa. Thanks. I'm in this after hours party for free. And it was. And then, you know, another door opens, and there's a band, and it's whatever, but, like. And then we end up back at the hotel room. Right? And I'm like, I don't know what's. I couldn't get a vibe of whether we were gonna hook up or not. I just was like, yeah, cool. We'll just keep partying. And then she starts talking about how depressed she was in San Antonio, how she missed all of her friends and her family, but she left where she lived previously because she was in an abusive relationship, and she didn't, you know, want to go back there. And she just hated living in San Antonio, and she was so lonely. And now she's just. She's ballin' and she's just so overwhelmed with how miserable she is. And I was like, okay, are you hungry? And she was like, I am. I was like, I have some barbecue. And I pull. I pulled out the whole tray, opened it for her, and she devoured every single morsel of that. Oh, so did I. I was involved. It was. But she took it all down and Was like, thank you. Thank you. And then we cuddled. And when I woke up the next morning, she was gone.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, like she never existed.

[A]

Wow. I wonder. I wonder, did she. You never talked to her ever again?

[B]

No. I hope she. I mean, like, I ate some of the barbecue, too, so she didn't die of, like, Ebola or anything like that. Yeah, but, like, it was also. She just. I think maybe that. Maybe that meal gave her enough of a protein.

[A]

It sounds like the best therapy session she ever had.

[B]

Ever. Yeah. And I woke up like, cool, there you go.

[A]

You didn't waste any barbecue. No.

[B]

I'm like a Johnny Appleseed for dead meat. If you're out there listening, Chantel, I think her name was. Anyway, if you're out there listening, I hope you're okay. I hope you left San Antonio or started to like it. I don't know. I don't. I don't know. I don't. I don't have an opinion on San Antonio. I've only been there once.

[A]

Twice. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

San Antonio's fun. I like San Antonio.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. Yeah. So aside from that girl, do you have a girlfriend?

[B]

I do.

[A]

How long have you been together?

[B]

Almost a year.

[A]

Where did you guys meet?

[B]

She came to a show in New York last January. Last year.

[A]

Was she already a fan, or was that the first time she'd ever seen you perform?

[B]

She. She was a fan of English teacher, the show.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So she came and. Because of that. And then saw me do stand up and, you know, was like. And took pity on me. You know, it was like, oh, you know, he's trying.

[A]

Did she meet you after the show?

[B]

We actually talked during the show because I asked if anyone else was a Southerner, and she said yes. And, I mean, I think it's one of the. It was a small. It was a small showroom. She. I was like, is there any other Southerners here? And she was like, I am. And I could see her from stage pretty clearly. And I was like, whoa. You know, Whoa. She's just gorgeous to me and to everyone. And so I engaged, and I was like, where? And she said, kentucky. And we had a back and forth, and she talked about growing up shooting guns, and I was, like, wild, you know, she told me she was taking. She took a rifle class in middle school.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

That's a class where you learn to shoot a rifle.

[A]

In middle school?

[B]

In middle school, yeah.

[A]

How wild.

[B]

How. How Southern. But then again, is Kentucky the South? I'm posing that question.

[A]

Is Texas the South?

[B]

Texas likes to say it's not the south, but geographically it's the South. It's as south as you can get.

[A]

Right?

[B]

But they're like, but we're different. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're the South. They just don't like to. I think Texas doesn't like to associate with the rest of the South. But it's like, why? You're the same. You're in the. You're. Hey, University of Texas is in the SEC now. Southeastern Conference. There you go. Yeah, not the SEC that regulates Wall Street. SEC that regulates N. Double the ncaa, motherfucker. But yes, Texas is the South. I'm saying it. But it's Kentucky because Kentucky is closer to Canada than it is the Gulf of Mexico. And also some people would call it the Midwest, but I'll call it the South. Cause I like bourbon, right? I do. I fucking do.

[A]

I love it. It's now become from geographical to personal opinion.

[B]

Exactly. Exactly. Hey, I'm following the Republicans, you know, I don't need fact. It's just my opinion. Right? This is the era of the podcast, right? Facts no longer need to be rooted in truth. Just a confident white man saying them out loud. That's all it is now. But no, she. And then we met, she said. And we talked for a little bit, and then the show continued on. And then afterwards, she invited me to a bar and I went. And she. I went. And I'm gonna say this. I had two more spots that night in New York, and I canceled both of them.

[A]

Cause you wanted to go out with her.

[B]

Just to keep hanging out. I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race ya. I'm Ian Finance. Hey, how are ya? And each week I'm in different towns doing standup comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian, do an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com ianfinance Comedy every other Tuesday produced by YMH I gotta rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose. Toot, toot. I'll see you out there. How long you been working here?

[A]

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[B]

Because that's a world I would never. I know some comedians.

[A]

I would do that.

[B]

Of course. Yeah, I know. I know some people would. I. That's just not how I operated at a comedy club. I don't have time to like give energy to anyone else. Yeah, I was doing, I was doing like an hour set at this place called Grove 34 in Astoria, Queens, which is a awesome, like black box theater style place for comics to just go and just like you want to do an hour on a Tuesday, do it. Shout out to girl of 34. They're great. But. And then to go into the city and then bring her into like the comedy club world where I'm not like, I barely knew her, you know, I was like, nah. And it was like there were late night spots and I was like, I'll, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna, I'll make it up to you. I texted both club, like both clubs. Hey, I can't make it tonight. I'll make it up to you. And I did. But yeah, we just kept hanging out. And that was almost a year ago.

[A]

When did you. When was your first kiss?

[B]

That night.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. Do you guys live together?

[B]

No. A year. Hey. Hey. You're the one blinding me with the ring. So I'm not saying I'm right right now. You know what I mean? I was in a long term relationship from like 2014 to 2022. Right. And we moved in together pretty quick. And so I don't know, this time I think we're both. This is what I do love about New York, living in New York. And I think dating in New York is probably exceptional when compared to other cities. It's like she has her space, I have mine. We spend a lot of time, you know, I probably spend more time at her place. Cause it's cleaner and fucking nicer than mine. But, you know, it's like, we have our spaces and it's also great when it's like, hey, you're home, I'm home. We're doing our own things.

[A]

How long does it take for you guys? How long does it take for you to get to her place from your place?

[B]

Depending on the mode of transportation. But, like, I'll generally, I like public transportation. I support it. So I'll take the train. Will take me 35 minutes. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Insane.

[A]

I love taking the subway.

[B]

I love taking. I. Dude, I know people who've been in New York as long as I have. 19 years almost.

[A]

That's a long time.

[B]

I know I'm an official New Yorker at this point. I think, like, I got my New York green card.

[A]

I think you did, you know? Yeah.

[B]

And like, I. I know some people that won't with it anymore, which is just. I don't. Sure. I love it, man. I love it. I still love. I. I love. I love hailing cabs. Everyone is. I get it. Sometimes you just want to jump in a Uber because you get. But sometimes it's fun to just walk out of a club. Just. I did that the other night. I had to go from New York Comedy Club to the Cellar, which I could. I like. That's one of my favorite things about being a comedian in New York is how many steps you get in.

[A]

I was just going to say on.

[B]

On. I know it's a dumb thing to say aloud, but sometimes when you got like four spots in a night and you got to go like, you know, New York Comedy Club, stand Cellar, you know, back to the state, whatever. You, you and you and you and you. Time it out, right? You. They're booked with enough space in between, you just get to walk and rethink what you just did on stage or what you're about to do on stage and you get. And then you look at your fucking Fitbit. Hell yeah. You look at your Fitbit at the end of the night, you're like 20,000 steps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Baller. You know, And I love that. I love walking. I love taking a train when it's nice out. I love taking the city bikes. I love not owning a car. I love not having to think about a car. I love not having a fucking park and remember where I parked, which was never a big problem. But still, I mean, I used. I've lived in LA before, you know, I've spent chunks of time out there. Whereas you, I would. I lived In East Hollywood. I don't even know if that's a designated neighborhood, but Fountain and Highland, for those of you who are geography. The geography nerds out there. But I remember, like, going. Pulling up to the place, and I luckily had a drive, like a parking area, but you'd have people just sitting in their cars with their hazards on, waiting for parking spots to open up. You're like, that's.

[A]

That's ridiculous.

[B]

This is not worth it. This is not worth it at a certain point. But I get it. It's LA in New York. I love not having a car. I don't even fucking think about it. Oh, but what if I need a car to go on road gigs? I'll rent one or I'll take a train. There's a lot of trains in town.

[A]

Have you dated a lot of people in New York?

[B]

Not really. Because I was with my one. I was with someone for eight years. Just over eight years, and that was a long time. And before that, man, as a young, up and like, up and coming comedian, I was. I just didn't. My head was not in that space.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? I was also, like, broke as shit. You know what I mean? Like, I think that's the first handful of years that you're a comedian in New York where you're like, you're getting by. I look back on those years and I'm like, I don't even know how.

[A]

What's the perfect first date in New York?

[B]

Perfect first date? Are you asking me as Sean the comedian, or me as, like, you? Just.

[A]

Okay, yeah, like, yeah, you.

[B]

My perfect first day for me would.

[A]

Be.

[B]

Preferably in the spring or the autumn. We're gonna pick date time. Let's go autumn. Because I like autumn better. The leaves are changing. You know, you get to wear light jackets and you're not all sweaty, you know? All right, meet at, like, meet at the Brooklyn Promenade, which is baller as fuck. You ever been out there?

[A]

No.

[B]

It's beautiful. Meet there, take a little walk, just talk. I don't. I've never been a fan of. Here's the thing. Here's the truth. I've never really dated that much. I've always just jumped into things. Does that make sense? Like, it's been like, I meet someone, we either hook up or we don't. But then within that week, it's like a thing, right? It's like, now we're just dating.

[A]

No, I got it. I get you. I. Yeah, similar. I'm very similar. If I meet you And I go on a date with you and I like you. Yeah, I'm, like, already 75% in.

[B]

I remember. Have you ever been to LA?

[A]

I lived in LA for 16 years.

[B]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. So, you know, what's that fucking deli on Fairfax? The. What's like the. Oh, the deli and the Jewish deli in.

[A]

Oh, my gosh, what's that? Yes, Cantors.

[B]

So you know that side room at Cantors where they used to have shows? They would have, like, comedy shows, right? I remember I was standing outside. This was in 2018ish. I was standing outside of there, right? I was waiting for the show to start. And I just was standing there minding my own business on my phone, making a set list. And this. These two people come out. And I remember the guy was just, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop up, Just talking a mile a minute. And the woman just kind of wasn't saying much, was just sort of acknowledging. And then he goes, well, so. And he starts pointing out a couple different bars they can walk to. And she just goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Thanks a lot for, like, dinner and all, but I don't think this is gonna go anywhere else. I think we're. I think we're good. Let's just. Let's just call it. And he would. And he did. That thing was like, oh, oh, oh, sure, yeah, well, nice to meet you. And, like, shakes her hand and then just sort of, like, awkwardly, like, beelines out of there. And she just, you know, pulls out her phone. And I was so goddamn curious. I was like, hey, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to eavesdrop or anything, but can I just ask, Was that a first date? And she was like, yeah, Jesus. Was it that? Oh, my God. I'm like, no, don't be embarrassed. I just. I'm curious. And she's like, yeah, like, we connected on an app and it was terrible. She's like, all he did was talk. He just talked. Didn't stop to listen. Didn't ask barely any questions about me. Just for the past hour, just him talking.

[A]

Oh, good. She didn't want him to waste her time, and she didn't want to waste his time. And she's like, look, we. Let's just cut this.

[B]

Cut this. But I. But it. But it. But I've never. That's never. I've never done that.

[A]

Have you ever wanted to do that?

[B]

No, but I'm just. I'm just simply saying, like, that's such a Part of like American culture or just like culture and light in the world. And I've never really done like first dates or second dates or anything. I've just done like, hey, I meet someone, I like you, we're a thing. Or I meet someone, it doesn't work. We're just not gonna fucking go home together. Or we're not gonna go.

[A]

I feel like when that situation.

[B]

So maybe that is a date technically.

[A]

Yeah. When that situation has happened to me and I went on a date with someone, instead of just like cutting it, I'll just start drinking more. Yeah. And I'm like, you know what? This really sucks. I'm just gonna have a good time and be in my own space. And then whenever we're done, I'm just gonna peace out. And at least I like, feel good. And you got a little funnier and that's it.

[B]

Bring like a little baggie of like B12 or just like crushed up vitamins or something. Not. Or coke if you want. But like, but just, and just if it's getting weird, just, huh, Start ripping tooth right at the table. See how they react. You know what I mean? If they're like, oh, can I get in on that? Like, okay, now we're talking. It's just B12. Do you have any real shit?

[A]

Yeah, but.

[B]

Or if they're weirded out by it now you're good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or you know those things. There's so many fucking videos on TikTok and Instagram, the Tudor, the like those like secret little fart machines. Oh, you know what I'm talking about though.

[A]

I mean, I can imagine a fart machine.

[B]

Right? But they're little and they're hidden and you can just make every woman should carry one of those.

[A]

That would be funny.

[B]

Just so, like, if you're like, this isn't going anywhere, just excuse me and just see how they react. You know what I mean? And it might a might do the work for you if you're just like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, all right, you know what? You're going to be like, dad, I'm out of here. All right, cool. Or that might intrigue this person more and open up a whole new pathway to love.

[A]

Yeah. Like, wow, you're so open.

[B]

Wow, that's so cool. You're just so free with your pheromones.

[A]

You're so relaxed.

[B]

So first date, the perfect first date before the farting is necessary. I like, I say meet. If you're in New York in the, in autumn, you have so many outdoor Amazing places you can meet. You know what I'm saying? You can go Central Park. You can go to the High Line. You go to the Brooklyn Promenade. You can go. I mean, I could keep naming places. Long Islands, whatever the fuck, Long island cities.

[A]

How long do you walk?

[B]

An hour.

[A]

That's a long walk.

[B]

You're right. As soon as I said that, I was like, that might be too long. You're right.

[A]

I give it 20 minutes.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Can we go to half hour? Can we meet in the middle?

[A]

If we're doing Good, we'll see.

[B]

30 minutes. Okay. Okay. All right. As soon as I said an hour, I was like, okay, look, you're wearing a Fitbit.

[A]

Not everybody's wearing a Fitbit.

[B]

I'm trying to get 7,000 steps in before dinner.

[A]

This is a workout. We're gonna go to Juice Land and.

[B]

Get a green juice after this, we're gonna need one. We're gonna need a cool down. All right, we're gonna do a sauna. Non sexual. Yeah. We're gonna plunge. We're gonna do a cold plunge. We're gonna need it.

[A]

An hour walk.

[B]

An hour.

[A]

You just keep walking. You're like, hold on. How long does this walk go?

[B]

Where are we going?

[A]

We're gonna walk from here to Central Park.

[B]

Yeah, we're in fucking Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. Like, well, it's good. We gotta go over a bridge. We better get to it. You wearing those? Just that you show up. You're wearing those. We're walking. You're wearing heels. The fuck is wrong with you? Okay, half hour walk. You're right. That's a good point. That half hour walk will set the tone. Listen, all right, I care about my cardiovascular health. You know what you can. You know what you can still do in New York? That no one. No one acknowledges.

[A]

What?

[B]

Drink in the streets. Oh, yeah, because during the pandemic, they lifted. They sort of like soft lifted that law that you couldn't have alcohol in the streets because otherwise we all would have gone insane. More insane than we're already going. So I think you can still. I'm pretty positive you could still, like, go to a bodega and just get like, two beers and just crack them and keep them in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So now. Now the walk can be like 40 minutes. It's just me figuring out new ways to walk longer. We got beers. We got beers, though. This is 45 minutes of water. All right, Half an hour walk. Get to a dining situation.

[A]

Cause you're starving.

[B]

Cause you need calories, your protein, you need A spike. I would say a dinner situation, but more I don't like. Nothing traditional. Something I don't. I think big plate meals for a date. Stupid.

[A]

You gotta go to the original Shake Shack.

[B]

You gotta go to the. I'm not mad at that at all.

[A]

Let me tell you a story.

[B]

I'm not mad at that at all.

[A]

I went to New York over Christmas. I was there for four days and I went to eleven Madison, which is like a Michelin. It's like a three star Michelin restaurant. To get there from our hotel, we took the subway. We went down, we took the subway, we come out and we're walking and we had. We went through this little tiny park and. And there was a Shake Shack in a little tiny park.

[B]

That's the OG Shake Shack.

[A]

And then literally like, you throw a ball and 11 Madison park was there. So we go in and the entire time that we. They sit us by the window and I'm staring at Shake Shack. And the food at eleven Madison park was mid as most three star Michelin restaurants are, in my opinion. I think it's so overrated.

[B]

But you need two stars, so you're not lazy. Once you get that three star, now you're lazy.

[A]

Then you're like, oh, we're sick.

[B]

You need two. And then that constant jealousy of, like, why don't we have the third one?

[A]

There was literally nothing I could tell you that stood out for me at the restaurant. But I'm staring at Shake Shack and I'm like, oh, my gosh. And Mark, my husband, is like, you know, that's the original Shake Shack. And I'm like, no way. I love Shake Shack. I'm like, I didn't know that that was the original one. Why are we here?

[B]

I think. And this is where you and I are forming a coalition, right? I think anyone who doesn't like Shake Shack only doesn't like it because of the, like, optics of it. They're like, oh, I gotta get a fucking little buzzer and just wait for my burger to be announced or whatever. Because that's the best fucking cheeseburger ever of all of the chains. All I'm saying, I'm saying over five guys, you're. And I'm about to piss off the West Coast. But over fucking in and out. Oh, yeah, I'm saying it. Give me Shake Shack.

[A]

Over in and out Shake Shack all day. Tell me better. And I like the fries with the cheese sauce.

[B]

Fries are bad.

[A]

I mean, shakes, they're Oreo shakes.

[B]

You saw that? Saw that.

[A]

I Know.

[B]

That was. That was. That was my. That was. That's so delicious. The thought of it created an insulin burst that thus triggered an early type 2 diabetic response.

[A]

Ah, no.

[B]

And I lost movement in my arms.

[A]

I understand.

[B]

That's how good that is.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's how good that shake is.

[A]

I know.

[B]

In n Out. Look, I'm going say the burger at In n Out is exceptional, but the fries are dog. You might as well just give me dog. It might as well be a delicious burger and a little.

[A]

They're all limp.

[B]

Little piece of poop.

[A]

Have you ever had a nice. And all their fries are limp?

[B]

Always.

[A]

Have you ever had a fry that's. That stood. Stood. Its. What do you call that?

[B]

Erection? Yeah, an erect fry.

[A]

An erect fry.

[B]

At. At Shake Shack?

[A]

No, at.

[B]

Oh, at.

[A]

In and Out.

[B]

Yeah, dude, they're all.

[A]

You've never had an erect fry.

[B]

It's. Each fry is like a penis that just went in and out of a butthole or a vagina till it orgasmed and it's now just limp. And that's what that special sauce is.

[A]

Maybe that's why they called it In n Out.

[B]

In n out. Exactly. Oh, Five Guys fries. Those are amazing. If I've ever on a ship that sinks and I need to build a flotation device. The fuck are those? Those are logs. Those are logs to build a survival raft on. So great. I want. If I'm ever on a ship, I would like there to be a five guys in case it sinks. But Shake Shack.

[A]

So, okay, so we walk for an hour.

[B]

We'll go an hour. Now you'll do an hour.

[A]

If you're taking me to Shake Shack, the original Shake Shack. I'll walk from Brooklyn to Shake Shack. That'll take a long time.

[B]

Here's what we'll do. We'll compromise. We'll meet in, say, the Lower east side.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then we'll walk to that Shake Shack.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's a good 42 minute walk.

[A]

I'm sold. I'm sold.

[B]

It's a good walk. Lots of things to look at atmospherically. We are engaged 100%. It's going great. We're talking shit. We walk past those guys. Those that like Indian. That stretch of Indian restaurants on. What is it, First Ave. You ever walk past those guys?

[A]

I. I'm.

[B]

It's like four. It's like four Indian restaurants that I believe are owned by the same people, but they present it like it isn't. And they've all got Barkers outside that like Each try and, like, out bark each other. Yeah, yeah. There's like, no, don't go down. We'll give you free appetizers.

[A]

So Italian.

[B]

It's exactly. Exactly. People are people. Proves. But like, yeah, walk past those guys and you're like, oh, no, thank you. And then you go through the East Village. And I love the East Village, but there's also, like, pockets of the East Village where you're just like, oh, this is fucking Valley frat boy shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But still fun to poke fun at. And then, well, you go back, go by Tompkins Square park where they have, like, the concrete ping pong tables. They're just out there 24 7.

[A]

I need to spend more time in New York.

[B]

Yeah. New York rips. It's fucking awesome. And I think you got to bring your own paddle. I think that's the rule. And your own ball.

[A]

So I like this. So we go for the. For the walk. For the 42 minute walk to Shake Shack.

[B]

The Shake Shack.

[A]

And then we can go play ping pong.

[B]

That we'd have to get our food and we'd have to head back. See, from there, I would say more. Now that we're already that high up in the city. Let's go do something. Oh, this is what we do. We shoot across town. We take a. We take a. We take. We take a. A bus. No, we walk more, walking, but not that much more because there's Gotham Comedy Club right there. Excellent club. Love it. I pop in, do a set. Right. But I make it look that way. But what you don't know is I was booked already. Right. But I make it look like we just walk in. And they're like, oh, Shawn. Oh, Shawn, you're here. Go on up, buddy.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

And I make it look that way.

[A]

We love this, right?

[B]

I go on stage. Hopefully I do.

[A]

Well, you crush.

[B]

Yes. Okay, there we go. You're saying this is our fantasy together.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I'm on board. And then we leave there.

[A]

You do crowd work. It's the best ever.

[B]

The whole time. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're just.

[A]

You don't even get to do any material. The crowd is just.

[B]

They're just so, like, dead. Because they're all in on it.

[A]

Yeah, they're all paid actors.

[B]

I hired them all to be there. I bought all their tickets, and it's great. And then we leave there, and right next door to it is that. I can't remember what the name of the hotel is, but it's where, like, Sid and Nancy used to stay.

[A]

Oh, Next to Gotham Comedy Club. The Chelsea Hotel.

[B]

The Chelsea Hotel, right.

[A]

And then look at me, fucking knowing my place is. I only know that because I stayed there. That's where I was.

[B]

Nice, nice.

[A]

Have you ever been in there?

[B]

No. Is it fucking cool?

[A]

The rooms are so, so cool there. It's like an apartment they had. Ours had a kitchen.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

But what was in a laundry room.

[B]

But. But remind me. The thing was, that is where Sid Vicious killed Nancy, his wife or his girlfriend.

[A]

There was a murder.

[B]

I thought that's what the thing was, right? I thought it was like a. I don't know. You know what that plate, you know, that reminds me of there. One time I was doing Chateau Marmont. Well, no, I mean, I've been to Chateau Marmont.

[A]

John Belushi died there.

[B]

John Belushi did die there.

[A]

But anyway, back to Sadie.

[B]

But wait, no side note, I was doing shows in Milwaukee, and this one club put me at the Ambassador Hotel. Do you know what the Ambassador Hotel is in Milwaukee? It's where Jeffrey Dahmer killed multiple people.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Yeah, right. And as I was checking in, I was like, hey, so this happened, right? And they just can't. They're not allowed to confirm or deny it.

[A]

Check this out. They pulled this up. Sid Vicious and Nancy famously stayed at New York City's Hotel Chelsea, where Nancy was found stabbed to death in their room 100. We. That's not the room I stayed in. On October, I stayed in room two. A tragic event that cemented the hotel's legendary status. I wonder. The hotel later sp. Split room 100, a place associated with chaos, drugs, and punk lore, into two smaller rooms.

[B]

Oh, cool. So that changed. That helps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like, I stayed in room 2.

[A]

Split this haunted room up.

[B]

I like, you look at the hallway, you stand. It's like 98, 99 2, 101. Like, I didn't stay. I was in room two.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's scary. Well, that's what I was when I was staying the Ambassador. I'm like. The whole time I was in there, I'm like, this looks like a room where murder could happen. You know, the whole time I couldn't.

[A]

Was that the room?

[B]

No, no. They. I would find out later. They, like, walled it off, and it's not. Or so they say. But date. Walking past the Hotel Chelsea, I'd be like, hey, do you know? I'd say this, like, I knew it already.

[A]

Yeah. Like, fun fact.

[B]

Right, Right, right. And then that, of course, would bring up a somewhat serious conversation. I'm sure. About, like, violence. And that would be the point. Know what I'm saying? Because we're having all this fun, but let's just dip into the seriousness a little bit.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Let's break that. Let's not. Let's not. Let's not act like that's not going to come up at some point. Not. We're not going to get in a slight disagreement.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

A slight. Not. And we're not disagreeing. We're not even arguing. We're just talking about something intense because we got to see how we handle insane. Insane subject matter. Right. And by the time that conversation sort of wraps up, will be at the high line. Right. Which. So now we're going to get on that. Which is an old. You know what the high line is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. So we're going to get on that. It's an old. For those of you who don't know, it's a. It's an old train track. It's raised that you get up more walking. I realize so now.

[A]

Been the longest walking date of my life.

[B]

So much. And now we're going to walk. So now we're on 23rd. We're going to walk down to the West Village. But.

[A]

But my shoes have holes in them.

[B]

But it's a nice walk. Now you're on a hot. And you're walking, like. And there's plants and there's tree, and there's other. And we're making fun of tourists and Instagram wannabe stars who are, like, you know, fucking rapping into the screen or, like, posing. And we're like, oh. And then we start mocking it. It's kind of fun and cute. And then maybe we accidentally embrace for a second, and that's like, whoa. And, like, you know, like, your boobs rubbed up against my. Like, our nipples rubbed up against each other.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, and that's when I realized, like, oh, she's not. She not wearing a bra. And then. And then she's like, oh, does he realize I'm not wearing a bra? And then we both are, like, in our heads a little bit, but, like, a little bashful about that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, but it's fine. It's fine. We're good. And then we get to the West Village and, oh, look, there's a comedy seller. And I drop in there again. Same thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I make it look. Yeah, same exact thing.

[A]

Like, oh, Shawn, just the guy we were looking for. Do you have time?

[B]

Oh, hey, do you have time? Because you're up in five, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And If I did just crowd work at Gotham, this, I want this to show so at this, this audience is a little rowdier and a little more hard up and I gotta win them over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So now she has to watch me go from like, struggling a little bit, and now it's like, oh, no. Oh, no. But then I win him over, right? And now she's like, oh, my God. Wow. He overcame adversity.

[A]

Talented.

[B]

Exactly. And now we're just out and about in the West Village, right? And there. And we just bar hop around there. There's like, there's tons of gay bars, which are fun because you go in there and I'm a bear. As I've learned from all of my DMs. Okay? My DMs are rife with gay men that look exactly like me who have zero filter. It's flattering. It's flattering. I'm saying that out loud. I wish I were gay.

[A]

I wish you'd have so many options.

[B]

Oh, my God. If I ever needed my balls drained in Fort Wayne, Indiana, by a guy with a fucking biker beard, I've got multiple options. Right? It's nice. It's nice to know that. But unfortunately.

[A]

Thanks, but no thanks.

[B]

I mean, it's. But it's so flattering. But, but, but it's fun to go to gay bars, but then you bring your date and they realize, like, okay, so they make you look good and.

[A]

Then you're fun and then you're having fun. And then how does our date end?

[B]

See, the younger version of me, the 20, the 20, 30, 42 year old version of me, 51 year old. I'm just gonna. I don't know, because there used to be, you know, you want in the moment, like you go home and just have a fucking insane night of physical intimacy. But then as I've gotten older, there's part of me that appreciates the sort of like, hey, just good night, I'll see you next time. The build of anticipation.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

The like, the like. Oh, man, like, that was amazing, but it just kind of ended on like a hey, good night, peck on the lips. See you next time. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Part of me is into that.

[A]

And then she goes home.

[B]

But then also I'm thinking, well, but it is New York.

[A]

But it was also such a good day and she probably needs a nap.

[B]

She probably needs a nap.

[A]

A nap.

[B]

Oh, from all the walking. Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

A good night's sleep.

[B]

Yeah. Here's what. Here's what it is. Here's what it Is we go into her place, but nothing happens. We just fall asleep together.

[A]

You cuddle?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you a cuddler?

[B]

Depends. I can be. Honestly. Depends. During the summer. No, absolutely not. I'm a fucking. I like, don't touch me. Well, I also, like, I need the room to be fucking cold to sleep. Yeah, freezing cold. And so then, yes, cuddling can be nice, but during the summer, even then I'm sweaty and hot and just want to radiate. But no, So I would say instead of cuddling, just more like touching. You ever see the end of. Not the end, but the movie Lost in Translation? You ever see that movie?

[A]

In a long time.

[B]

There's just a scene where Bill Murray and. And Scarlett Johansson laying in bed together, just platonically, and he just puts his hand on her foot. Right. And that. So we're doing like that. And then she wakes up. But here's what I want to happen. Then she wakes up earlier than me and gets on the scale and realizes that she's lost four pounds from all that walking. And that makes her feel like really insanely hot. And then she wakes me up and we have morning sex.

[A]

Okay. I thought you were going to say she's lost four pounds. She goes across the street to a bakery, gets you a croissant and coffee, and before you can wake up, she's got breakfast in bed.

[B]

Yes, that's what I. That's clearly metaphorically what I was saying. So I said, duh. Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

And then that's so hot.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Then that you have morning sex.

[B]

Yes, exactly. Metaphorically. Yeah. So clearly I like dates to be, judging by that, a 16 hour event. You know what I mean? I like them to just be long and drawn out with little plot twists and a lot of steps.

[A]

I think that sounds like a Great first take.

[B]

23,000 steps first. No, you know what? Let's go. 24,000 steps.

[A]

That's a lot of steps.

[B]

A lot of steps. But you know What?

[A]

You've lost £4.

[B]

Lost £4. Ish. £4. Ish pounds. You know. What about you?

[A]

Oh my God. I mean, after that, I don't even know. I don't even know how I would have a first date other than that.

[B]

It's like, have you ever even been on a date before?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, you better call up old Terry Black. I'm just going to swear I'm going to call your husband because I don't think you did say his name. Mark. Yeah, like Mark, break out the Fitbits. We're going it's date night. It's date night, brother.

[A]

He does love to walk though.

[B]

Does he?

[A]

Oh, yeah, we would. We would go for what? We lived in downtown for like three years. Downtown Austin? Yeah. And we would walk all. We'd go over Lady Bird Lake. We'd walk past Terry Blacks, we'd go all the way over the Congress Bridge and back. And so we would do 10,000 steps like every night.

[B]

Are y'. All. Wait, are y' all both Austin natives?

[A]

No, he's from Lockhart and I'm from Dallas.

[B]

Lockhart. I've heard of Lockhart.

[A]

He's from Lockhart.

[B]

That's where the motherfucking beat. That's where the bovines is. Yeah. That's where the beef come from. I've heard, right? Lockhart's like barbecue all Barbie.

[A]

There's like Mecca, five or six barbecue restaurants.

[B]

Wait, so then if you're from Dallas and he's from Lockhart, you've both been coming to Austin for a bit.

[A]

He's lived in Austin since, I think. I don't know. I'm gonna mess this up, but I think he's been in Austin for like 10 years.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I've been in Austin for five.

[B]

Okay. Do you, do, do you. Did you hear of. Or ever maybe he ever talk about Old Rainey Street? Yeah, that. If I were and if I would describe a perfect date in Austin, but in like you had to go back.

[A]

Then when all the houses were bars, that was amazing. People were opening up their houses.

[B]

That was amazing.

[A]

Making them into bars.

[B]

Yeah. Now it's. I don't know. Now it's. They built that hotel. Van Zant or whatever, they built that hotel and then they. They made it very. They corporatized the shit, they spit shined it, they Chipotle it.

[A]

But like, there's a really cool German bar down on Rainey street called Bangers.

[B]

Bangers.

[A]

Yeah. And it's a beer pub.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's huge. And I. They have like, like a hundred beers on tap.

[B]

One time for south by Southwest, this was maybe circa 2017, 16, somewhere around there, we went to this. You know how south by Southwest is basically. South by Southwest is basically entire festival of people trying to figure out which afterparty they're going to.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't like South By.

[B]

Well, that's a. I enjoyed doing the comedy portion. Was fun because it was like they never overbooked it. That is an issue I have with a lot of comedy festivals these days, where they're like, you look at the Posters, and it'll be 300 comedians. And then it'll still say and many more. And you're like, why? Why do you need more? So many festivals make the same mistake where they just overbooked the shit out of it. And then every show you go to, there's 12 comics doing nine minutes, which no one's gonna do nine minutes. And the audience is half full because there's just too much. Yeah, it's spread too thin. But south by, in my opinion, did a pretty good job because he wouldn't overbook it. The booker, he would only. He'd bring in, like, a group. And you felt like you were this small crew in this sea of just like tech, film, music, madness. Yeah, but, like, the comedy part was always fun. But we went to this after party on. On. On Rainey street, and fucking Grandmaster Flash was the. Was DJing. And if you don't, you know, that is Grandmaster Flash is like hip hop royalty. Arguably the guy who invented the modern turntable situation, or at least pioneered it. And he's DJ at this after party. And I noticed that at a certain point, like, me and maybe four other people, and we're all comedians, are like, really into it, and we look back and everyone's just on their phones not giving a shit. And we're like, no, no. Like, you almost wanted to walk around slapping people, like, what? That's Grandmaster fucking Flash. But then you realize that's like. That is. You know, it's like, no, that. That's an old person reaction.

[A]

South By, I still. I have never actually learned anything about from South By. Like, there's all these different places. We'll rent out all these different spaces. And then they're like, this is like a little tech thing going on, but you're totally invited to go in. And then it's just some free food and free drinks and, like, no one's talking about. It's like a corporate party.

[B]

Oh, all they want to do is party.

[A]

It's just corporate parties. Party all over Austin.

[B]

We, one year, me and this other comedian, this. We do this show, and it was fucking awesome. It was a great show. And this guy comes up to us and he's like, hey, gives us his card, says, what corporation was? I can't remember. But he's basically like, we're. We're hosting a walking Austin tour tomorrow. Would you guys be willing to just accompany us and, like, make some jokes and we'll pay you both this amount of money? And it was a. It was a. Like a. That's Insanely obnoxious. Like, yeah, yeah. No one's going to turn down what, $5,000 a piece. the time it was to show up and just walk around for an hour.

[A]

And make some jokes.

[B]

Making jokes off the tour guide. The idea was a tour guide would say something and we'd both have like amplification.

[A]

That sounds great. Sounds fun.

[B]

We show up at the bar that we're supposed to be at to meet everyone. The tour guide never shows up. We wait, we wait, we wait. And we just end up at this bar making jokes with this group, about 20 people. That's it. We're drinking, we're making them laugh. And then the guys eventually like, all right, well, I guess we're not doing the tour. And then just pays us both and we're like, thanks. That was it. That was amazing. We got to just hang out at a bar for an hour. We both drank like two cocktails and made five grand.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

It's because they just have money to hemorrhage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, that's what I feel like.

[A]

South by is. South by is just a lot of companies that come to Austin, they rent out spaces, have a party, and then they have a lot of money to throw around.

[B]

It's also fucking hilarious because a lot of the, I don't know, corporate party planners, it feels like their idea for a party is like, okay, we need a five star mich. Is there a five star Michelin chef? They only go up to three. Well, let's find one that's five. Let's buy two more. Let's get them in there. It's like a competition making like burgers or something simple, right? But they're doing that. Then we're going to have Jimmy Eat World playing the whole time. And then while Jimmy Eat World is playing in the. In the room, by the way, smaller, better. So like we're going to have about 300 people, but the room should only be able to hold 7 70. But we're going to get all 300 people in there. They're all going to get a Michelin five star Michelin burger. Jimmy World's going to be playing and a comedian is going to be walking around like riffing with everyone, right? While they're wearing VR goggles. Okay. And this is going to be like amazing. And it's going to go from midnight.

[A]

To 7am and Waymo's going to host it.

[B]

Waymo's going to host it. Oh, and also, and also fucking Justin Bieber's New gin is the sponsor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. So the only thing people can eat.

[A]

Drink is Bieber gin.

[B]

Yeah. Bieber gin. It's called Bieber Jin. And you got to say it like that. Bieber Jin. And it's just.

[A]

That's South By.

[B]

It's called Ariana tears.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did he date Ariana Grande? I don't know.

[A]

No, everyone else did.

[B]

But that's. But it's still called.

[A]

But that's Selena Gomez.

[B]

Oh, no, I like it still called.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ariana Tears.

[A]

Ariana Tears.

[B]

Ariana tears. It's gin. It's. It's Bieber's gin.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

And it's sponsoring. It's like. And that's the thing. And I. But you've been to those, right? Where you walk in, you're like, there's so much stimulation right now.

[A]

Over stimulation.

[B]

There's no way anyone's enjoying themselves.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Everyone's just VR goggle, eating a burger, drinking a gin gimlet, like, on hoverboard. Everything. Everything will be all right. Everything. And Jimmy, we're all. And a comedian's like, hey, where'd you get that shirt?

[A]

It's crazy. It's crazy time.

[B]

Where'd you get that shirt? Like, Target. Like, you're not supposed to go there. Like, wow, I thought that was over. That'd be fucking hilarious. Someone. Two people wearing VR goggles eating a burger, gin. Drowned out by Jimmy Eaton World having a philosophical conversation about whether or not you should shop at Target.

[A]

I love that. That's where we've come to. That is the epitome of this bullshit thing called south by Southwest in Austin.

[B]

Also terrible first date. Horrible. Or the greatest first date ever. Because if you can make a connection in that way, you're meant to be.

[A]

Seriously, if you can hold on to someone after all of that, that would.

[B]

Be an amazing, like, first date. South by Southwest.

[A]

Oh, my God. Sounds like a nightmare.

[B]

South by Southwest, Toomey party.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Let's see if we can survive this.

[A]

That's so wild.

[B]

Yep, love.

[A]

Well, we went over a lot of fun ways to have dates today.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Where can people find you? Oh, can you believe it? Our time. Our walking tour has ended.

[B]

We got some steps in.

[A]

We did.

[B]

We got some verbal steps in. We got some emotional.

[A]

I feel like I got such a good workout.

[B]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

I'm starving.

[B]

I feel healthy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shake Shack.

[A]

That sounds so good.

[B]

I am. Go to my website. It is therealshawnpatton.com and I'm on social [e-mail] I'm touring constantly. I am touring constantly. I have specials on. Wait, when is this coming?

[A]

Probably in the next couple weeks.

[B]

Oh, beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah, come. Come see me. I'm on tour. You'll see. Just go to my website. I'm on tour constantly. And new special dropping later this year. I got a couple already out. They're on YouTube at this point because that's where everything ends up, because everything's just licensed now, which is nice because we get it back, ownership of it. But, yeah, just follow me. I'm constantly out there, constantly putting stuff out. Watch English Teacher. We did not get a season three, but we made two amazing seasons. And they're 18 great episodes. And on to the next.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

On to the next.

[A]

I hope you get another one soon.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you. No, thank you.

[A]

Anytime.

[B]

All right. Thank you.

[A]

Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date. I can't wait. You told your mom about me? Just say, you ready? Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommates.