Second Date Chaos w/ Harland Williams | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: Second Date Chaos w/ Harland Williams | First Date with Lauren Compton

Release Date: June 10, 2025
Host: Lauren Compton (A)
Guest: Harland Williams (B)

---

Introduction and Welcome

Lauren Compton kicks off the episode by warmly welcoming back Harland Williams for his second appearance on the show. She highlights Harland's popularity, mentioning his "Harland Highway Podcast" and current touring schedule, setting an enthusiastic tone for the conversation.

Lighthearted Banter and Setting the Tone

The episode begins with playful exchanges between Lauren and Harland, where Harland humorously compares Lauren's hosting style to a late-night talk show. This lighthearted banter establishes a comfortable and entertaining atmosphere for deeper discussions.

Notable Quote:
Harland (00:53): "Is that something you want in your life? A late night talk show? No. And yet."

Exploring Relationship Dynamics

The conversation shifts to discussing current relationships. Harland reveals that he is in a five-month relationship with Ashley, a graphic designer and newly graduated skin care specialist. He shares the story of how they met at one of his shows, emphasizing the "electricity" and connection he felt.

Notable Quote:
Harland (05:12): "There was just an aura, you know? And you when you connect with someone... there was an electricity that hit me."

Personal Relationship Stories

Lauren shares her unique relationship journey, humorously discussing her "marriage" without a traditional proposal or ring. This revelation leads to an amusing exchange about the legitimacy of their marriage, highlighting Lauren's playful personality.

Notable Quote:
Lauren (07:31): "I'm a floater?"

Addressing Toxic Relationships

A significant portion of the episode delves into the topic of toxic relationships. Both Lauren and Harland discuss their past experiences with toxic partners, exploring the traits that made these relationships challenging. They touch upon issues like narcissism, emotional abuse, and the impact these behaviors have on a healthy relationship.

Notable Quote:
Lauren (21:19): "Every single one of them, like every one of their girlfriends or boyfriends..."

Harland (22:15): "If you're telling me that your friend, every person they've broken up with has the same traits, then you probably have to look into the bad decision making your friend's making."

The Concept of Soulmates

Harland shares his thoughts on soulmates, expressing that while it's ideal to have one singular soulmate, life experiences can lead to multiple soulmates over time. He admires those who find and maintain a single soulmate connection but acknowledges that many find profound relationships throughout their lives.

Notable Quote:
Harland (31:05): "Maybe we find Soul mates in life, plural, you know?"

Long-Term Relationships and Personal Growth

Lauren discusses her long-term relationships, reflecting on what she seeks in a partner. She emphasizes the importance of fun and deep love, sharing anecdotes from past relationships that have shaped her understanding of what makes a lasting connection.

Notable Quote:
Lauren (33:48): "So that's how a proposal should look. That's how I think on a daily basis you should try."

Romantic Gestures and Proposals

Harland elaborates on his ideal proposal, describing it as an "original, romantic, special" moment that creates a cherished memory. He recounts a heartfelt story from his college days, illustrating his belief in creating memorable and meaningful experiences in relationships.

Notable Quote:
Harland (45:15): "It should be an enchanting, beautiful moment to me because it's a pivotal moment in your life and your evolution and her evolution."

Dealing with Infidelity

The discussion takes a personal turn as Lauren shares her experience with infidelity. She describes catching her partner cheating and the emotional turmoil that followed. Harland offers empathetic support, highlighting the importance of self-respect and the pain caused by such betrayals.

Notable Quote:
Lauren (36:16): "I poured a bottle of champagne on her head."

Harland (36:26): "Nothing says revenge like pouring a three hundred dollar bottle."

Self-Reflection and Personal Red Flags

When asked about personal red flags in relationships, Harland identifies his high expectations and demand for loyalty as potential areas of concern. He discusses how striving for an all-in relationship can sometimes create pressure, but emphasizes that his intentions are rooted in building strong, committed partnerships.

Notable Quote:
Harland (42:17): "If we're going to get into it, let's get into it and do it right and, and look out for each other..."

Lauren (43:27): "That's a double-edged sword. Like you have high expectations of someone, which is great and it shows that you're all in."

Final Thoughts on Love and Partnership

The episode concludes with both Lauren and Harland reflecting on the nature of love, partnership, and the importance of creating and cherishing meaningful moments. They emphasize the balance between romantic gestures and the everyday realities of maintaining a loving relationship.

Notable Quote:
Harland (48:09): "Each day should have some kind of great photographic memory of that, you know, the thing you've decided to do together."

Lauren (48:39): "I love that."

Closing Remarks

Lauren wraps up the episode by thanking Harland for his candid and insightful participation. She hints at future guest appearances, maintaining the show's engaging and inviting vibe.

---

Where to Find Harland Williams:

• Instagram: @harlanwilliams
• Website: harlanwilliams.com
• Podcast: The Harland Highway on YouTube and major podcast platforms.

---

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton offers a deep dive into the complexities of modern relationships, blending humor with heartfelt discussions. Harland Williams brings his unique perspective, making for an engaging and relatable conversation for listeners navigating the wild ride of dating and love.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. Hello and welcome back to another episode of First Date. My guest today is here for a second time. We love having our second dates back. He's one of my favorites. You can see his podcast, the Harland highway podcast. And he's on tour now. You can see him everywhere. Give it up for Harland Williams.

[B]

Wow. I like that. Give it up, give it up. Like that's so encompassing, but it makes.

[A]

Me feel like I have my own late night show.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like I'm like. Even though you don't on stage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's the closest I can get.

[B]

Yeah. Is that something you want in your life? A late night talk show? No. And yet.

[A]

But it. But sometimes it's fun to just feel like I have one for two seconds.

[B]

You ever slap yourself in the face with a canoe paddle and feel like you've been hit by a lumberjack?

[A]

What?

[B]

That's a feeling too.

[A]

That is a feeling, but not one that I want to have.

[B]

Okay, I'm just testing.

[A]

I did want to have a late night show, but now that I have this podcast. I like this podcast.

[B]

What about someone picking up a pug, swirling it around and smacking you in the face with that?

[A]

A pug?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like the dog?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why would I want that?

[B]

Well, just. Again, another feeling.

[A]

Now.

[B]

What's wrong with you?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Are you not a dog lover?

[A]

Not a dog in the face lover.

[B]

You will.

[A]

Okay. Do you have a dog?

[B]

Not at the moment.

[A]

Did. Why?

[B]

It was a seeing eyed dog, but it was blind and it ran away. Got hit by a bus. Idiot.

[A]

I bet he didn't see that coming.

[B]

No smack. You just smacked me in the face with a punchline.

[A]

It clearly wasn't very good. I didn't.

[B]

It was great.

[A]

I got a smirk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What makes you laugh? Like hard. What kinds of jokes?

[B]

I guess I really enjoy physical comedy.

[A]

Okay, like act outs?

[B]

No, like, like accidental stuff.

[A]

Oh. Like when people accidentally trip and fall.

[B]

Right. Like if I'm at the mall and I see like an 89 year old old lady like go backwards down an escalator, hit a baby in a stroller, the stroller rolls to the fountain, the baby catapults out.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Lands in the water, drown. Well anyways, you know. You know what I mean? Just funny stuff. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, hilarious. Hilare, when is the last time you saw some physical comedy like that?

[B]

Oh my God. What happened the other day? I was driving and I. It was funny at the time. You look back and it's maybe not that funny, but I killed a Korean boy. I was driving to an appointment and I hit a dog. A Rottweiler. And there was a Korean kid on a bicycle. I hit the dog. Dog hit the ditch, bounced up, hit the boy. Killed a dog and a boy.

[A]

Does your. Does living in your brain make reality boring?

[B]

Hmm. I don't know. I don't know the answer to that. Because I'm me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd have to be someone else coming in to know, to compare. I have no point of reference.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know what goes on or what it means or what it is or why it is.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I just sit. I emote. I am what I am. You have to absorb or reject, and I leave that up to you.

[A]

Are you in a relationship?

[B]

Nosy.

[A]

I'm just asking a question.

[B]

I am in a relationship. Isn't that wonderful?

[A]

Do you like it?

[B]

I love it. Yes.

[A]

How long have you been in your relationship?

[B]

It's been about maybe five months now.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Yeah, man, right?

[A]

How'd you guys meet?

[B]

We met at a. I was doing a show somewhere.

[A]

She was a fan.

[B]

She. I don't know if she was a fan. I think she was, but she. I didn't know it. She was just. She was at the show, and I saw her. She caught my eye. And it was one of those kind of like, whoa. Like, not just because of her physicality, but there was, like. There was an aura, you know? And you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you connect with someone, she's very beautiful, but also, there was just an electricity that hit me.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so I walked up to. She was in the show, and her friend came out. I'd done my show. I was in the hallway, and her friend, she was with another girl. Her friend came out, and I just said, who's your friend? I want to get her number. I want to talk to her. And her friend, believe it or not, went, what? I'm not. You don't want my number. Like, she got, like, offended, I guess. Yeah. It was kind of weird. And I was like, no, no, your friend. And then she went back in and then didn't come back out. And I thought, oh, it's not happening. So I went out to leave us out on the sidewalk, and they came barreling out the door, and I just went, I'm not missing twice. And I went back and walked up to her.

[A]

Wait, she didn't give you her friend's number?

[B]

I don't I don't know if the friend communicated it to her.

[A]

But you didn't get her number from the friend?

[B]

No.

[A]

So when you saw her come out.

[B]

You were like, Yeah. I said, I'm not going to. I'm not going to miss again. So I walked up to her again, and then luckily, she was willing to receive my kind of can I have your number? Thing?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Got her number.

[A]

Is she blonde or brunette?

[B]

Blonde.

[A]

Does she have brown eyes or blue eyes?

[B]

Brown.

[A]

Oh, we love that combo.

[B]

Gee, ring a bell?

[A]

Does she have big boobs?

[B]

Geez. I don't know if I should reveal she has beautiful proportionate boobs.

[A]

No one ever calls me.

[B]

Oh, wow. I don't blame them.

[A]

Wait, hold on.

[B]

It's okay. You just have a show.

[A]

Oh, it's a diamond store.

[B]

Oh, wow. Take it. No, please, just.

[A]

I missed the call.

[B]

Oh, darn it. What do you need a diamond for?

[A]

My finger.

[B]

Oh, wait, what?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're getting married?

[A]

Well, I'm already married.

[B]

Oh, Someone's a little late.

[A]

But I. But he never proposed.

[B]

Oh, so you're not married, but no, I am.

[A]

I have the paperwork. But he didn't propose, so he still has to propose and give me a ring.

[B]

Yeah. You're not married yet? No, no.

[A]

What am I.

[B]

You're just floating in limbo, girl.

[A]

Oh, man. Maybe I should have taken that call.

[B]

Yeah. Wow. So no proposal and no ring?

[A]

Nope.

[B]

But somehow you think you're married.

[A]

We went to the clerk's office, we took a number like you take at the grocery store, and then we sat down for like five minutes and we signed paperwork. And then they printed out a thing on the printer, and it was like a certificate, and it says you're married.

[B]

Great thing about receipts. You can go get a refund immediately. Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got to get the proposal before anything else.

[A]

I know, but the baby was coming the next week.

[B]

Oh, okay. So the baby happened before the proposal?

[A]

Yeah. So what you're going to get from this story is that I trapped him.

[B]

Oh, okay. Entrapped him or trapped him?

[A]

I trapped him.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I guess I entrapped him. I entrapped him.

[B]

Well, that's what I'm asking you. But you don't even know if you're married or not, so why I'm asking you anything.

[A]

No, I am married. I just don't have a ring or a proposal.

[B]

Yeah, you're not.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You're a floater.

[A]

I'm a floater?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna get married?

[B]

I don't know. You have to get to that place, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You gotta be with someone, you gotta experience them. You gotta. You gotta trap them. No, I don't want to trap anybody. I'm all about organic. I want if things, anything that happens, whether you're dating, married, whatever, you want to arrive at that place because you feel it going there, that it feels right, that the pieces come together.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't want to do it just for technical reasons.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So can we call your girlfriend Candy?

[B]

Candy.

[A]

Can we call her Candy?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I'm not gonna ask you what her name is.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[A]

So we're call her Candy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or what should we call her?

[B]

How about something more not so stripperish? Yeah. How about, like, Ashley?

[A]

Ashley?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Ashley's fun.

[A]

Okay. Have you told Ashley that you love her?

[B]

Not yet. It's too new.

[A]

Five months is too new.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's, you know, we're, we're. It's been a bit of a slow process. There's been time where I've been away and there's been a few things that have sort of. It hasn't been like, from day one, there's been some interruptions.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

That are just organically happened and so, you know, have to, you know, let things play out. Right.

[A]

Has she gone anywhere with you yet?

[B]

Yes, she has.

[A]

Cool. Besides dinner?

[B]

Yeah. We've traveled a bit.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. We went to Florida on a little holiday. And yeah. So like I said, it's new. So we're just sort of getting into that part where we're gonna start to travel and stuff like that. It's like, pretty fresh.

[A]

Yeah. When I hear five months, to me, that's like, you're deep in it.

[B]

Right. And I would agree, but like I said, there's been some interruptions. Just things in our lives that kind of forced us to be apart. And. And so it's sort of a piece together. Five months.

[A]

What does she do?

[B]

She is a beautiful graphic designer. Like, she makes greeting cards and she does graphic design work.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Yeah. And she just graduated becoming a skin care specialist. And she does lashes and she does facials and all that skin stuff. Dermatology.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

She's multi talented, skilled, talented, beautiful.

[A]

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[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna let her do anything to your face?

[B]

She already gave me a facial.

[A]

Really?

[B]

About two weeks ago.

[A]

She now there's two kinds of facials.

[B]

Okay, talk to me.

[A]

There's the one facial where you come all over someone's face.

[B]

Well, she didn't do that.

[A]

Okay, so she gave you the other face.

[B]

It is a girl?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't know. Maybe she's a Squirter.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

I'll dial it back.

[B]

Squirter. Squirter. Huh? Wow. Unbelievable.

[A]

It's only been five months. You have a lot to learn.

[B]

Yeah, well, tell me about that.

[A]

I don't know a lot about that.

[B]

Well, you said it.

[A]

I know. I've watched Tom's podcast.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

You see a lot on that podcast, Squirter.

[B]

Good Lord.

[A]

Yeah. So anyway, she gave you a facial?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you enjoy it?

[B]

I loved it. I've never really. I don't think I've ever had one.

[A]

Your skin looks great.

[B]

It does, yeah. Thanks to her. She gave me, like, the creams to put on at night and stuff like that.

[A]

Do you use them?

[B]

Yeah, I started using them.

[A]

Really?

[B]

She's a specialist.

[A]

A man with a skincare routine.

[B]

Yeah, that's starting wild. Getting into it. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Grizzled old shrimp sailor like me. I'm out there on the front of the spongeboat all day. The marlin's jumping and the red snapper snapping. Got that salty air in my face. Can hear the lighthouse in the background. She's a squirter.

[A]

How about some main course questions? Oh, my goodness. I have a new menu, by the way.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

I haven't even looked at these new questions. Okay, hold on. Let me see if there's any really super fun ones. Do you drink?

[B]

Not really.

[A]

I didn't think you did. With a guy with your kind of imagination, you don't really need alcohol.

[B]

That's probably true. That might be. It's partly that. And I just, I just, you know, like to take care of myself and not go down that road.

[A]

Alcohol dries your skin out.

[B]

Does it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, well, maybe that's why I have such beautiful, velvety, soft, cheesecake style skin. I mean, good Lord. Who wouldn't want to grow koala fingers and rub their hands through my face? God.

[A]

Ashley does.

[B]

Yeah. Ashley.

[A]

Do you have road rage right.

[B]

Now.

[A]

When you drive?

[B]

You know what? I don't have road rage. But I love to yell at people. Like, I love to be driving and somebody, and I. I literally go, hey, broccoli ass. It's a car. There's a gas pedal. You press it and you go, hey, lasagna lips, let's make the left. Let's go. I got things to do. Hey, teriyaki teeth. Let's. Let's dial it up, Nacho. Let's get going. Just drive your vehicle. It's got four wheels. Let's make it roll there, gopher lips. I just. I love to give people names and call them stupid things. Yeah.

[A]

Do you do that with the windows down or up?

[B]

No, I'm just inside the car, comfortable, air conditioning, calling people the worst names, you know?

[A]

Are those the worst?

[B]

No, but for me, they're more fun.

[A]

Yeah, those were fun. Like, if you called me lasagna lips.

[B]

Yeah, I will.

[A]

I'd like that.

[B]

Okay. Lasagna lips.

[A]

I think it's funny.

[B]

God. Although you look more like a rigatoni ass.

[A]

A rigatoni ass?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you mean? What's rigatoni? Is the spiral one.

[B]

Yeah. I just picture your buttocks with a swirl. And that's a good thing. That's a healthy thing.

[A]

Couldn't I be like Hawaiian buns?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, Hawaiian buns.

[A]

When's the last time you had a Hawaiian bun?

[B]

I don't know, but I'd love to give you a nice Hawaiian punch right now.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

I'm holding.

[A]

I want to just go off the top, but I really want to read these questions to you, too. Do you still talk. You seem like the kind of person who still talks to your exes. Because I feel like you're just friends with everybody.

[B]

You know what? Some of them I do, but the minute I'm dating someone and they're not comfortable with that, I cut it off completely. Because my first dedication is to the person I'm with.

[A]

That is super rare.

[B]

It is rare, but I. I always. I always come from the opinion, do unto others as. As you would want done unto yourself. And so I actually have this conversation. I actually had it with Ashley, and because I. I have maintained a friendship with some of my exes, which I think most people do to a degree. And I said to her, hey, you know, I correspond now and then. It's not a lot, but I've stayed friendly with, you know, a few people. Are you comfortable or not comfortable with that? And if they're not comfortable, then it's done. Like, I just cut it off.

[A]

And so you even go a step further where you bring it up and you ask. Yes, because a lot of people just won't even ask. It has to get to a point where the other person has to tell you that they don't like it.

[B]

No. I live in a world where if you start a relationship with someone new, it's called moving forward. It's the future. Everything else is the past. And so why do you want to bring ghosts from your past that affect you going forward?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, it's not that the people you're. You're not in communique with anymore are bad people or they've done anything wrong, but you have to put the needs and the feelings of the person you're moving forward with first. So I don't want to do anything that makes them feel insecure or hurt or like there's something going on. So.

[A]

And I assume you expect the same of others.

[B]

Oh, I expected. Yeah, absolutely did.

[A]

Was she talking to anyone of her exes?

[B]

As far as I know? No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't really like talking to my exes. I don't really. Not that, I mean, because it's like, I don't. I know that that's not going to be a friend of mine forever.

[B]

Yeah. And I think it depends on your history. How it ended, if it, you know, what happened, how you ended up breaking up, or. Yeah. And I just. I don't know. I don't think there's no upside to hanging on to that if it interferes with what you're doing going forward.

[A]

Yeah. I'm gonna ask you a question. So a lot of my friends, I've noticed a common pattern.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

They always say that their ex is either toxic, a narcissist, or abusive.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Every single one of them, like every.

[B]

One of their girlfriends or boyfriends. Like, you mean all your friends? Or each one says, hey, I had five girlfriends. All five of them were what you just said.

[A]

No, no, no. So like one girlfriend will be like, oh, yeah, we. I broke up with him. He was a narcissist.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then another friend will be like, oh, I dumped my boyfriend. He was so toxic.

[B]

Right.

[A]

There's three key words, like emotionally abusive, toxic, and narcissistic.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Do you think that that's just like a defense mechanism? Because they don't. Do you think that, that that's like really, really common? Or is that just like they don't want to accept that maybe they were part of a problem too?

[B]

I definitely think there are people that can be really toxic and narcissistic and stuff like that. But I guess it's the luck of the draw, you know, I mean, I. All kinds of personalities exist, but if you're telling me that your friend, every person they've broken up with has the same traits, then you probably have to look into the bad decision making your friend's making. But I think humans are so diverse that you can get any type of. Any type of mixture of personality trait. Now, it's not fun when it is toxic or narcissistic as those kind of turn semi abusive and they're hard to deal with.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're hurtful and especially if you're not that type of person. You can be mystified or dumbfounded as to why they're behaving like that. Like if you're not a person that provokes toxicity, yet they're being toxic to you. Like if you're just a nice man or woman and you're providing a healthy environment and a loving relationship and then they're spitting back venom and vitriol, it's like you're just like, whoa. Yeah. So I think people like that maybe have deep rooted psychological issues or trauma issues. And it's tough because you want it to work. You want them to be better, loving and caring and reflect what you're giving back to them. So it's one thing if two people are toxic. I think toxic creates toxic. But it's weird when one isn't and the other is. And where does that come from? And why does it happen? And why does the toxic person want to put into jeopardy the relationship with the balanced person?

[A]

Probably because they're insecure and I've. And because if you think about someone that's like kind of flying off the handle and the other person is really stable.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That can make you really insecure. Them insecure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I don't know, I would imagine that that promotes anger because they don't know how to bring it back.

[B]

Right, right. Have you been with toxic people?

[A]

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[B]

You just cringed Real bad.

[A]

I'm trying to think.

[B]

Either you're holding in a burrito fart or you're like, you just.

[A]

I've only been. I've been with one narcissist that. He was, like, a real narcissist. And he had this kind of thing where he was just, like, constantly having his own mental meltdowns all the time. And I was like, are you okay? What's going on?

[B]

I don't understand. Did it drive you nuts?

[A]

Yeah. I left. I was like, this is retarded.

[B]

How long did it drag out before you left?

[A]

A long time. Like a year and a half.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

But it. Those signs showed up later in the relationship.

[B]

I see.

[A]

It was. At first, everything, like, seems so great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then suddenly they, like, have these weird tendencies that just kind of kick in and you're like, whoa.

[B]

Not fun, huh?

[A]

Yeah. Have you noticed a common thread in why relationships don't work for you?

[B]

Not necessarily. No.

[A]

They're all kind of different.

[B]

Yeah. I think everything's been its own set of circumstances and, you know.

[A]

Have you been in a lot of relationships?

[B]

Not really, no.

[A]

What's the longest term relationship you've ever had?

[B]

Oh, wow. I went out with a seabird once.

[A]

I knew this was coming.

[B]

No, no. Let's see. The longest I've ever had.

[A]

Tell me the truth.

[B]

I would say I think maybe five years, but it was a little bit off and on. It was. It was sort of a bit of start. We broke up a few times, got back together. Yeah.

[A]

Why'd you guys break up?

[B]

She was toxic, I think, just different. Different. You know, different ways of looking at the world, different levels of understanding.

[A]

Let me tell you something, Harlan. No one looks at the world like you do.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I know.

[A]

I just want you to know that before we move forward with the rest of your story.

[B]

So it's probably me. Yeah.

[A]

Not saying you're the problem, but you will always see things differently.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You're right.

[A]

You know what I mean? That's not an excuse. So let's take that water up in a ball and throw it out the window.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was just, you know, it's. It wasn't anything too insane, but just at the end of the day, compatibility didn't. Didn't push things further down the road, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you just kind of fell out of love.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, things. Things happened and, you know, obviously you're always reacting to your partner. Right. You're always reacting to everything they do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so clearly, she did some things that mentally pushed me away. And spiritually and, you know, just all the. All the feelings you have when you're. When you're with someone and so.

[A]

What do you mean spiritually?

[B]

Well, I believe love and togetherness is chemical. It's spiritual. Like, I feel a connection to someone without any material or anything that's sort of tangible. It's a feeling, you know. So I think when those things go askew, that can be a problem if you can't get them back in alignment. And when somebody does something to you and it sort of pushes things out of balance, sometimes you can't recover. You can't get back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so that was probably a scenario where, you know, things just were happening that I was just like, yeah, can't get back. You know, and it's sad. It's a heartbreaker.

[A]

Yeah, I know. But I think the best way to break up with someone is to fall out of love. Or the best way to. To realize that it's over.

[B]

Yeah, unfortunately, that's sort of. Yeah, I guess so. But falling out of love sort of is almost like fading to black.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a bit of a slow, painful process. As opposed to you wake up one day and you go, hey, I'm not in love with her anymore. See ya. You know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a long, beleaguering process.

[A]

And so that is true.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Maybe it's not the best.

[B]

It's not the. There is no best way.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

Breaking up. When you fall in love with someone or you start something with someone, you've got all these butterflies and everything's beautiful, and it's the best feeling in life, really.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then when it stops or fades or shuts off, it's horrible. It's devastating. Love is the best feeling in life, and losing love is the worst feeling in life. Yeah, but it's life. And I often say to never go through it would mean a life that was just flatlining.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And to go through the peaks and valleys, as beautiful and as devastating as they are, they're necessary to have a fulfilling, stimulating life.

[A]

Do you believe in a soulmate?

[B]

Yeah. I think you said it's singular, a soul mate. It'd be nice if there was just one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But as we've all seen or experienced, sometimes you could maybe find a soul mate and it dissipates and maybe you find another one.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

Right. Because I don't think you could fall in love a second time if you didn't. So maybe we find Soul mates in life, plural, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It would be nice if it was just one, but. And sometimes it is. By the way, some people do just find that one soul mate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I'm. I'm. I gotta be honest, I'm jealous of that. I think most people are because it's very rare and it's. There's a purity to it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But most of us have to sort of settle with soul mates. And each part of that journey in your life can be just as beautiful as the first one, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You believe? You think so?

[A]

Yeah. No, I think because I've had. I've been in relationships before where I'm like, this person is perfect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'm with them for a really long time. Many, many years.

[B]

How many?

[A]

I was with one guy for like 10 years.

[B]

Wow. Okay.

[A]

And then I was in another relationship for like four. And the one I'm in now, I'm going on three.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

But I like relationships. Like long term, monogamous relationships. I'm into that.

[B]

And would you say those long. It sounds like you've had four or five really long ones.

[A]

Three or four.

[B]

Three or four. Which is what I think I just said.

[A]

Is that what you said?

[B]

But were those. Would you. Would you. Would you. I mean, it took so long to think about it. And you could have just gone with what I said.

[A]

I had to think if the fourth one was considered it long term. But I could have just stick with the three or four.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's okay. Would you say that each one of those was a. Like a soul partner? Like.

[A]

Two of them.

[B]

Two. Okay, so there's that plural thing again. Yeah.

[A]

Two of them were soulmate. Ish. The other two are just long term. And I loved him a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One a lot. The other one I didn't love that much.

[B]

Yeah. The 10 year one, was that the best one, the long, the deepest soul partner?

[A]

No, but it was the first soul partner.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

But not the deepest. That was more like a puppy love.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Because I had never been in love, like super in love before. So that was like my first full on. I'm so in love.

[B]

What was the main element of him that made you be so in love?

[A]

When I met him, he didn't speak English.

[B]

Oh, so a dummy.

[A]

Oh, I love that.

[B]

He was so dumb. Was he?

[A]

He was the dumbest.

[B]

Did you get him over to devry? What do you mean he didn't speak English?

[A]

He was Italian.

[B]

And you just fell in love? Was it all about Just. It had to be about the physical looks. Was he gorgeous?

[A]

He was learning English. And there was a part of. And I was so young that I thought it was kind of cute.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And he was visiting America. So I. Like, we would, on our phones, translate to, like, talk to each other.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So it was very entertaining.

[B]

Cause isn't the first part of a relationship they say communication?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And here's a guy you couldn't even say good morning to.

[A]

Buongiorno. I learned that one.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And so it was just. It was fun, you know? That's what it really was. And that's what I look for in a relationship is fun. If you're fun, we are gonna go places.

[B]

What about a mute? Have you ever gone out with a mute?

[A]

No.

[B]

There sounds like they'd be a riot to you.

[A]

Have you?

[B]

No. I like communicating. Yeah. I like to go to dinner and speak to someone.

[A]

Yeah. We spoke, just not verbally.

[B]

Yeah. That's what I mean. It was just.

[A]

It was just weird.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Whatever. That's what I mean. That's the beauty of it.

[A]

But he's English. He ended up learning.

[B]

Did you learn Italian?

[A]

I did.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

And then I moved to Italy for a year.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I really.

[B]

What part?

[A]

Northern Italy.

[B]

Oh, up in the north.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Torino.

[A]

Modena.

[B]

Well, I said Torino.

[A]

It was Modena.

[B]

Well, I said it first.

[A]

You did say it first.

[B]

I think it was Torino.

[A]

Okay, we'll go with Torino.

[B]

Finally.

[A]

It doesn't really matter. He's dumb anyway.

[B]

Yeah. You know, and you can say that because he'd never know what you said.

[A]

He speaks English now, but he's still dumb. I don't think he watches this podcast.

[B]

Did it. Was it a scenario where when it ended, did it just you fell out of love or did it like we talked about? Did it.

[A]

Oh, no. He cheated on me and I caught him dirty Italian on me.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I think I saw you talking about this one.

[A]

So that was like a bone break, you know? A bone break. That. Nothing. That. Like.

[B]

That's the worst thing, man. You love someone, you. You put. Share all these experiences, and then you degrade them by cheating and just tell.

[A]

Me you don't want to be with me anymore and save me four or five years.

[B]

You don't deserve that. You're a sweet, sweet person, and I feel bad that happened to you.

[A]

I'm not that sweet.

[B]

You are. I think you are like just your. Your energy, your Persona. I don't know you on a daily basis. Like you could Wake up in the morning and stomp on the neck of a baby pug and. You know, I don't know that, but I would never seem sweet.

[A]

I'm pretty nice.

[B]

Yeah. But regardless, whether you're really nice or not yet, no one deserves to walk in on their significant other having coitus with another human being.

[A]

Ill. Yeah, right.

[B]

What position were they in?

[A]

I don't know. He was actually. He told me that he was bent over a toilet, vomiting. Cause he partied so hard and she was holding his hair back.

[B]

Mm. I think he was fucking a janitor.

[A]

I think you're right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or a cleaning lady, Something like that. He was in the bathroom.

[B]

You know what? If he's got a cheat, let it be at that degrading level. It's easier to walk away. Like you don't want to walk into the Ritz Carlton and him and Raquel Welch are rolling around in satin sheets with, you know, chocolate dipped strawberries sticking out of their butt cracks.

[A]

Yeah, that would at least be more entertaining. Yeah, I just saw him walking out of her house. I was in my car trying to find out where he was because I was like, I could see where his location was.

[B]

You were stalking? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, trying to figure out where he was. That's what happened.

[B]

How hurt were you?

[A]

Pretty devastated.

[B]

Harland, did you confront her or just him?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Did you throw down?

[A]

I poured a bottle of champagne on her head. And in hindsight, I wish I wouldn't have done that because it was a really nice bottle of champagne and I should have just drank it and punched her in the face.

[B]

And nothing says revenge like pouring a three hundred dollar bottle.

[A]

I know. And she was already fucked up. She had Bell's palsy.

[B]

Oh, my God. Really?

[A]

Even weirder.

[B]

It's like you should have known she was coming. You would have heard her jingle.

[A]

Poor girl.

[B]

Poor you? You're the victim here, not her.

[A]

But it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

[B]

I don't know why people, the other person, like the girl, her, didn't go, you know what? At the other end of this man is a woman that would not like this. There's another end of this man. There's a relationship. There's a woman that I wouldn't want this done to me. Why am I going to do it to this woman? But people don't think like that. It's really sad.

[A]

Well, he was the manager of this restaurant and she was the hostess.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And so they like Italian.

[B]

She Olive Garden.

[A]

I don't think she was Italian.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He was. Olive Garden.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, the restaurant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No. God, that took. I thought we were. Sometimes I don't know if you're comparing the women to Olive Garden or the restaurant.

[B]

I think I was doing both right there.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't even know what that means, but I'm glad we talked about it.

[A]

I'm glad we did, too. Yeah. We can go with Olive Garden. Fuck it.

[B]

Oh, spicy. You just gave me an all you can eat breadstick right there, dude.

[A]

Have you ever been cheated on?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Did you catch them?

[B]

I've caught them and then I've been. I'm a very intuitive person, so I've caught them, I've confronted them, and I've been cheated on where I've never said a word. I've just known. And in my. In my heart I go, you know what? You've cheated. You had something good. You ruined it. I'm not going to give you the dignity of calling you out and having a fight and making you admit it and showing the proof. And you know you did it. I know you did it. And you just lost me. Goodbye.

[A]

So. But you say you don't say a word. You don't say a word to them that you know that they're cheating or you just ghost them, you leave the relationship.

[B]

No, I don't ghost them. I just. I sort of. You kind of know when something's happened.

[A]

You know, what did you say? Or do you just break up with someone?

[B]

Yeah, I just sort of, like, it starts to go away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because, you know when you've caught a person in a lie or you found something or you've seen something and you could go call them out and have the big. And then what does it do? It just, oh, well, let's stay together and let's. You know, I don't trust you anymore, but let's stay together and. You already disrespected me. Let's stay together. Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Once you break down the foundations of a relationship, then I don't care what else is going on, it's done, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's the point?

[A]

What is. What do you think your biggest red flag is about yourself in a relationship?

[B]

Let's see. Wow. Me, me, me, me, me. It's all about me now, huh?

[A]

It's always been about you.

[B]

What would it be? I don't know. I don't know if it's a red flag, but that. I sort of demand loyalty, you know, that I. But that's not really a bad Thing?

[A]

Yeah. High expectations.

[B]

Yeah. Like I, like, if we're going to get into it, let's get into it and do it right and, and look out for each other, you know, and maybe that's too much pressure on people or maybe that's hard to handle sometimes. But I don't like to do things half assed, you know, so it's like if we're, if we're going there, let's go there. And maybe, I don't know if I create pressure by doing that, if that's. But that's not really a red flag. You're looking for something like, am I a dickwad? Do I cheat? Do I do this, Do I do that? Do I drink? Do I.

[A]

It doesn't have to be, you know.

[B]

Do you do heroin?

[A]

No, no, No. I think having high expectations, there's weird things sometimes where that could be a green flag and a red flag. It's like a double edged sword. Like you have high expectations of someone, which is great and it shows that you're all in. But that could be a disservice to you if. Cause that could be hard to find in someone else because you live in la, don't you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, you're fishing in a pond where people aren't very good at being all in.

[B]

Just that face you made, you have like. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh yeah.

[A]

Believe me, it's the worst place to find love.

[B]

It's been tough. I told my new girlfriend I haven't had a steady girlfriend in eight years, you know, because it's been really tough for me to.

[A]

Have you thought about moving to Austin?

[B]

No. But to be honest, I think anywhere you go it can be tough. But. Excuse me, LA is a little ramped up for some reason. Yeah. You've lived there, obviously, so you know, it can be tough.

[A]

Yeah. Well, Austin's a great place to live.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I really like it here. The weather can suck ass.

[B]

Great. I like a good ass suck. But yeah, I mean right now I have a gal, so I don't need to come here looking.

[A]

But that is true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why don't you guys just come here for a month and see how you like it.

[B]

Are you looking for a babysitter or something? What's going on here? What the hell's this all about.

[A]

Man? My son would have the best imagination if he could hang out with you more.

[B]

We'd have a good time.

[A]

I could have you on this podcast forever. I could talk to you for another hour.

[B]

Great. Let's do it.

[A]

But I'm gonna ask you my last question.

[B]

Okay. I'll make sure it's a 55 minute answer. That'll give us five for credits.

[A]

Okay. If you were going to propose to someone, how would you do it?

[B]

Original, romantic, special.

[A]

You seem very romantic.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's a big thing you're talking about when you get to that territory like marriage and proposals. And that's. That's not like saying, hey, let's go to the movies. It's like, it should be an enchanting, beautiful moment to me because it's a pivotal moment in your life and your evolution and her evolution. And you're jumping into an eternal partnership, hopefully. So I think the entrance way to that should be memorable and beautiful, you know, and not just for her, but I think it's also got to be something that you're passionate about creating.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so, yeah, I think it would. It would have to be really. I like to think about stuff like that and I like to create special moments. I used to do this thing with my old girlfriend in college where if we were in a dramatic spot, like, I remember one night in particular, we were on the shores of Lake Ontario. We were parked and it was icy and there was. The lake was covered with ice. And we were just sitting down there talking and smooching and whatever. And right in the middle of it, I looked out and was all foggy and it was just. It almost looked like a painting. And I said. I said, I'm gonna get out of the car. I'm gonna walk over there. And I said, I want you to pretend your brain is a camera. And I said, I want you to actually go and take a picture of me when I get over there. And I'm just gonna stand there. And I stood and I walked out through the snow. And I just knew, because I'm an artist, so I knew compositionally, if you froze that moment in time, it would look like a painting or a mysterious or a mystical photograph. And so I think of romance in terms of that every romantic moment is a picture and a placeholder in time where you create a cherished memory for you and your partner.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so she did that. She took a little picture and, and, and I hope that's still burned in the photo banks of her mind.

[A]

It for sure is.

[B]

Yeah. So that's how a proposal should look. That's how I think on a daily basis you should try. And if you're gonna. If you're gonna get mixed up and hand your life over to someone. I think every day there should be some kind of great photographic memory of that. You know, the thing you've decided to do together. I don't want a roommate, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like you're giving yourself over. It's a big thing.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a lovely thing to do.

[B]

Yeah. Do you have that in your marriage?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

See, now I have a baby that I see every day. That's.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Sort of. I know that sounds weird, but, like, you think about something that you really do with someone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you create another life. And so I see that every day. And it's kind of like a campfire where you just stare at it and you stop. You can't.

[B]

Like, it's mesmerizing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That's beautiful. It just sort of hypnotizes you and captivates you.

[A]

So I think that even that has made me even more appreciative of my relationship because I have something spectacular and I love him. I love this dude so much. So every day I'm just. I'm just a really happy person with him. Just like, oh, my gosh. I have.

[B]

Oh, that's the best. Yeah, it's beautiful.

[A]

So I agree with the. The picture thing.

[B]

Yeah. Create a picture. Create a beautiful moment. Create. Create a beautiful photo album with beautiful pictures and memories.

[A]

I don't think people do that enough with their minds. We have our phones out all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But.

[B]

Well, what's interesting is that is you can actually maybe set up those compositions and physically take it and make a special folder with those. Those cherished little moments. But go out of your way to make them for your partner as opposed to just them sneaking a picture. Go. You know what? I'm gonna stand over here. I want you to remember this. And you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Little presence.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where can people find you?

[B]

Oh, I'm right in front of you. Well, right here.

[A]

But people don't get to be with you.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Like I am.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Your Instagram is just Harlan Williams.

[B]

Harlan Williams. You can see me there. You can come to my stand up shows. I'[e-mail] and then if you want to see my podcast and have some giggles. Harland. The Harland highway on YouTube. And I know we've talked about having you there, but you're not in LA very often.

[A]

But I know I try to avoid it.

[B]

I know. But whenever you get. We've talked about it. Whenever you get there, you got to come on my show.

[A]

I will definitely come on your show. Wow. You got me to say that?

[B]

It's just an invitation, baby lumps. Let's go get that garlic bread. Let's go.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my podcast.

[B]

Anytime.

[A]

You guys. Thank you so much. Watching another episode of First Date with Harlan Williams. I'm sure he'll be back again. We'll see you next time. Come again. Are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Delete my number. First date, Your parents are your roommates.