Second Date Derailed by Ozzy’s Death w/ Ian Fidance | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Second Date Derailed by Ozzy’s Death w/ Ian Fidance"

First Date with Lauren Compton by YMH Studios takes a vibrant and heartfelt turn in its July 29, 2025 episode, featuring comedian and viral content creator Ian Fidance. As a returning guest on a second date, Ian delves deeper into his personal journey, sobriety, creative projects, and the emotional impact of Ozzy Osbourne’s passing. This episode seamlessly blends humor, vulnerability, and poignant reflections, offering listeners a comprehensive look into Ian’s life and mindset.

---

1. Welcoming Back Ian Fidance

The episode opens with Lauren expressing her excitement to host Ian once again on a second date. Ian, a familiar face to the audience, conveys his enthusiasm for the return, highlighting that second dates are a new experience for him.

• Lauren [00:30]: "I'm so excited to see you tonight. First date, baby. First date."
• Ian [01:04]: "I'm not used to second dates. This is fantastic."

2. Tattoos and Personal Expression

A significant portion of the conversation centers around Ian’s tattoos, offering a glimpse into his personal aesthetics and the stories behind them. Ian proudly showcases his new tattoos, including two daggers on his neck, and shares anecdotes about past ink, illustrating his commitment to self-expression through body art.

• Ian [01:16]: "I just recently got two daggers on my neck."
• Lauren [03:10]: "I have a kiss on my ass."

Their playful banter about tattoos continues, revealing both camaraderie and the deeper meanings behind their chosen designs.

• Ian [02:31]: "I have to not live in regret. And I have to understand that everything happens for a reason."

3. Dating Experiences and Sobriety

Ian opens up about his past relationships, flings, and the challenges of maintaining monogamy given his hectic touring schedule. He reflects on his sobriety journey, highlighting how it has reshaped his approach to relationships and self-worth.

• Ian [08:34]: "I did date a gal for about a month, and she broke up with me twice."
• Lauren [32:19]: "Quit? Yeah, I did for 10 years."

Ian discusses the emotional complexities of sobriety, acknowledging both its difficulties and the personal growth it fosters.

• Ian [32:30]: "I've really learned and I love like meeting people new sobriety and like being able to show them that you can have fun sober."

4. Creative Endeavors: Ian’s YouTube Show

Ian shares insights into his YouTube travel show, "Ian do an Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs," where he immerses himself in various unique professions across different towns. He expresses both the financial challenges and the personal fulfillment the project brings.

• Ian [14:39]: "It's a travel show, so it's called Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs."
• Ian [18:10]: "We have six episodes filmed. That's going to be the first season, and now we're filming the second."

His enthusiasm for learning new skills and connecting with diverse communities shines through, emphasizing the show's humanitarian aspect.

• Ian [19:29]: "I learned how to make pizzas from scratch at this really good pizza restaurant."

5. Humorous Interactions and Role-Playing

The dialogue between Lauren and Ian is infused with humor and playful role-playing, showcasing their chemistry and ability to keep conversations engaging. They explore various dating scenarios, often leading to light-hearted and amusing exchanges.

• Lauren [24:21]: "So you're talking to me like a boyfriend."
• Ian [25:04]: "I don't know. Let's role play."

This segment adds a layer of entertainment, making the conversation relatable and enjoyable for listeners.

6. Reflection on Ozzy Osbourne’s Death

A poignant moment arises when Ian and Lauren discuss the death of Ozzy Osbourne, a beloved figure in Ian’s life. This segment adds emotional depth to the episode, as Ian shares his admiration for Ozzy and the impact of his passing on him personally.

• Lauren [53:40]: "Aussie Osborne died. I thought he was already dead."
• Ian [54:07]: "He had that big celebration in Birmingham. Everybody showed up and showed out."

Their reflections on Ozzy’s legacy and the manner of his passing highlight themes of friendship, legacy, and the celebration of life, contrasting with the earlier humorous tones of the episode.

7. Conclusion and Future Prospects

As the episode wraps up, Lauren and Ian recap their discussions, reaffirming their bond and the mutual respect they share. They engage in a light-hearted bet about Ian’s future relationships, showcasing their playful dynamic and the genuine connection formed through their conversations.

• Lauren [52:13]: "I bet by the time you come back, you will have been in another monogamous relationship, but it won't be marriage."
• Ian [52:44]: "All right. Looks like I am going to intentionally do what you say."

The episode concludes with heartfelt acknowledgments and a shared appreciation for the time spent together, leaving listeners eager for future episodes and Ian’s continued journey.

• Ian [57:37]: "Thanks for having me. I always have fun when I'm with you. Thank you."
• Lauren [57:38]: "Absolutely."

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Key Insights and Themes

• Self-Expression and Identity: Through tattoos and personal stories, Ian illustrates the importance of self-expression in understanding and presenting one's identity.

• Sobriety and Personal Growth: Ian’s candid discussion about sobriety underscores the challenges and triumphs of overcoming addiction, emphasizing resilience and self-improvement.

• Creative Pursuits and Fulfillment: Ian’s YouTube show highlights his adventurous spirit and desire to connect with diverse communities, showcasing how creative projects can provide purpose and joy.

• Humor and Vulnerability: The episode masterfully balances humor with vulnerable moments, creating a relatable and engaging narrative that resonates with listeners.

• Legacy and Friendship: The reflection on Ozzy Osbourne’s death adds emotional depth, illustrating the profound impact of friendships and the celebration of influential figures.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Ian on Tattoos:
  "I just recently got two daggers on my neck. Shout out, Daniel Strauss R and D tattoo queens."
  [01:16]

• Lauren on Tattoos:
  "I have one tattoo."
  [03:10]

• Ian on Sobriety:
  "Sobriety is only as miserable as you allow it to be."
  [33:48]

• Lauren on Sobriety:
  "Quit? Yeah, I did for 10 years."
  [32:19]

• Ian on YouTube Show:
  "We have six episodes filmed. That's going to be the first season, and now we're filming the second."
  [18:10]

• Lauren on Ozzy Osbourne’s Death:
  "Aussie Osborne died. I thought he was already dead."
  [53:40]

• Ian on Legacy:
  "Imagine before you die, you get to see how much you're loved."
  [54:43]

---

Conclusion

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton stands out as a compelling blend of humor, heartfelt conversation, and introspection. Ian Fidance’s openness about his life, challenges, and creative endeavors provides a rich narrative that engages listeners on multiple levels. The episode not only entertains but also offers meaningful insights into the complexities of relationships, personal growth, and the enduring impact of influential friendships.

Listeners who appreciate genuine conversations mixed with humor and emotional depth will find this episode both enjoyable and inspiring. As Ian continues to navigate his journey, his collaboration with Lauren promises more engaging and insightful discussions in future episodes.

Transcript

[Ian Finance]

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[Lauren]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. Welcome back to another episode of First Date. My Yesterday is back for his second second date. He's got a new show on his YouTube channel. It's called Ian Do Just an. What is Odd guy doing odd things. You can get tickets to see his stand [e-mail] Ian Finance.

[Ian Finance]

Hi, everybody. Thank you for having me back. Yes, thank you. I'm not used to second dates. This is fantastic.

[Lauren]

Just first ones?

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Lauren]

Have you gotten more tattoos since I've seen you?

[Ian Finance]

I have, yes. I just recently got two daggers on my neck. Shout out, Daniel Strauss R and D tattoo queens.

[Lauren]

Can you show them or are they, like, cop?

[Ian Finance]

I'd have to take my shirt off.

[Lauren]

Oh.

[Ian Finance]

Which is par for the course for a second date.

[Lauren]

Yeah, Right?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Oh, wow. Hold on.

[Ian Finance]

Should I take my shirt off?

[Lauren]

I mean, I won't say.

[Ian Finance]

No, you first. Here, hold on. Also, I've been in the chair.

[Lauren]

Wow.

[Ian Finance]

Do you see him?

[Lauren]

Yeah, I see them.

[Ian Finance]

Do you like them?

[Lauren]

I do. Where's this? Where's the pointy end?

[Ian Finance]

No, there are two daggers going into the neck.

[Lauren]

Oh, got it. Why?

[Ian Finance]

Why not? You can't even tell me.

[Lauren]

I can't tell you. Did it hurt?

[Ian Finance]

What do you think, Lauren?

[Lauren]

I don't know. It tickled well by how many you have. So you like pain?

[Ian Finance]

It's right on the neck. Let me show you with my hands. It. Yeah, but I. I have to do it in two sessions. It. It needs to get colored. I couldn't do the color because it hurts. It's the only time I've ever tapped out from a tattoo.

[Lauren]

Not your shins. Your shins. You didn't tap out.

[Ian Finance]

Shins aren't bad. They get banged up all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

[Lauren]

I would think that the shins would hurt the most. So. That hurt the most.

[Ian Finance]

This? Yeah. My ribs.

[Lauren]

Do you have any? I guess you have a little bit of space on your stomach to do more.

[Ian Finance]

I'm getting my so the goal by the end of the year is to finish my chest, my belly, and get a huge back piece.

[Lauren]

What are you going to do when you don't have any space left?

[Ian Finance]

Kill myself. And it's coming up. Thank God. Please let me. Yeah. You don't have tattoos.

[Lauren]

I have one tattoo.

[Ian Finance]

What do you have?

[Lauren]

I have a kiss on my ass.

[Ian Finance]

Me too.

[Lauren]

No, you don't.

[Ian Finance]

I swear to God. I got. I got lips on my ass.

[Lauren]

No, you don't.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, I got it in a kitchen at a Native American's house in San Antonio, Texas. I swear to God. You want me to show you that too?

[Lauren]

No, I don't.

[Ian Finance]

I'll whip my ass out.

[Lauren]

Okay, fine. I believe you.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, that's right.

[Lauren]

What kind? Whose lip prints?

[Ian Finance]

My friend Jade kissed my ass and I got her lips and I kissed right above her pussy. And she is my lips and my. And a mustache. So when we're together, we make them kiss. Yeah. And I thought it was gonna get me laid with her and it didn't. We just.

[Lauren]

It didn't.

[Ian Finance]

No, no.

[Lauren]

God.

[Ian Finance]

I know, man.

[Lauren]

That's a long way to go.

[Ian Finance]

I like it. I like stories and experiences. I have a matching tattoo with Jordan. We have products in New York tattooed on our bodies in a coffin from. It's like this logo from this band, Incendiary in New York. And I like getting little like story tattoos.

[Lauren]

Are there any that you regret?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, well, I regret this. He blasted it too hard. And it's a. It's Wile E. Coyote smoking a cigarette dressed as a vampire. And I.

[Lauren]

You are a child.

[Ian Finance]

Really wanted baby want milk. And I got it from this guy who did a butterfly on me. And they stopped tattooing for like a year. And he was like traveling and then he blasted me with this terrible job and come to find out his year break was. Cause he was on heroin and I didn't know. Yeah, well, you think that he would.

[Lauren]

Be better with needles.

[Ian Finance]

That's what I'm saying.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, I guess. Maybe he was just nodding off while he did it and then. Yeah. So I. That's the only one I regret. But I have to not live in regret. And I have to understand that everything happens for a reason. Because if I didn't hate this, I wouldn't have gotten the rest of my arm done. So I got my arm done basically. To like distract from how much you hated that one. Yeah. Cuz I. I don't believe in like getting like tattoo removal and stuff. I think you should just live with the mistakes You've made and move forward.

[Lauren]

Yeah, you know, that's mature.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Who put the lips on your ass?

[Lauren]

Originally, I wanted my mom to kiss a piece of paper, and then I was gonna have the tattoo artist trace that. So the backstory on this is that when I was little, my mom would leave early in the morning to go.

[Ian Finance]

To work, and she would kiss you on the butt.

[Lauren]

She would kiss me on the cheek.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, I get it. That's cute but weird. That's cute, but alarming.

[Lauren]

It's very alarming. But I was 18, and I was.

[Ian Finance]

Is she de.

[Lauren]

We? No, she's alive. But you know how you try to find meaning for tattoos sometimes? So I was like, oh, I can have a kiss on the cheek. But then when I told my mom that it was going on my ass, she was like, no.

[Ian Finance]

Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah. She was like, I'm not gonna go down as, like, the person who kissed your ass.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, I thought, you bet she wasn't gonna go down. I was like, oh, my God, I'm getting hard.

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

What? What? So whose lips are it? Is mine yours? You have your own lips on your ass?

[Lauren]

Your own lips on my ass.

[Ian Finance]

Wow. There's some deeper meaning there.

[Lauren]

I don't know. I was just young and dumb, and I wanted to get tattoo. It was my 18th birthday.

[Ian Finance]

Where on your cheek?

[Lauren]

On my left butt cheek.

[Ian Finance]

Nice. On, like, the meat or towards the hip?

[Lauren]

It's, like, on the butt. It's not towards the hip. It's like, the butt.

[Ian Finance]

Well, I. You. You. I'm sure you have a great ass, so it, like, fits well. My. I need to, like, go to the gym and do squats because it is just a straight drop from my back to my legs, and I'm like, this is not a good look. Like, curls are always like, you have such a cute butt because you don't have one. Like, stop it. I'm insecure.

[Lauren]

Hey, if it's cute, it's cute.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Yeah, it's a cutie. But I, I. I need to beef it up more if I'm showing off my kiss. Yeah, but I like it. I like a little kiss on the butt. Why not? Yeah, you know, who cares?

[Lauren]

Yeah. Sometimes it's a kiss on the cheek. Other times it's like, kiss my ass.

[Ian Finance]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, kiss my ass. I like that. Yeah.

[Lauren]

So you're back for a second date. Has anything. Have you dated anyone, seriously, since the last time that you've been on the show?

[Ian Finance]

No.

[Lauren]

Have you had flings?

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Lauren]

How many I don't know, like a handful. Two handfuls.

[Ian Finance]

I don't know when was the last time I was on the show?

[Lauren]

Well, the last time I saw you was a live show.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, that was really fun.

[Lauren]

Did you. I want to get back into doing those again.

[Ian Finance]

I had so much fun on that show.

[Lauren]

It was a fun show.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, it. And you were a great host with, like, keeping the questions rolling and then having me and Tom there to pepper and jokes. It was. It was great. And we do. The freaks you found for that show was amazing.

[Lauren]

They're the best. Yeah, the local. The local talent.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, and their comics, too, so. And there's so many great comics in Austin. Like, they. They know how to, like, pepper in little jokes while they're doing their, you know, interview thing. So.

[Lauren]

Yeah, it was.

[Ian Finance]

It was really fun. I enjoyed it. But I. I've had a bunch of flings, but nothing serious. I did date a gal for about a month, and she broke up with me twice. And In a month? Yeah, it was like. Well, she lived in LA and she works in, you know, she's a working gal in the moving pictures.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

Pornography.

[Lauren]

Oh, really?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah. Which. I don't care. It's cool. Make your bag. You know, if you're shooting a scene tomorrow, let's hang out tonight and take a couple showers.

[Lauren]

Go.

[Ian Finance]

I don't care, you know, but, yeah, and. And it was. It was cool, though, in a way, because I really liked her and I told myself, I will try again and, you know, make the. Try to make this work. And initially we just had, like, a fling, and then she was like, I need to be monogamous. I don't like that. You know, girls are, like, commenting on your things or like, hold on, a.

[Lauren]

Porn star is saying this.

[Ian Finance]

Well, it's. Yeah, because a lot of them, it's a job. They're working when they're on set, and then in their private life, things are, like, very different. So I. That kind of me up because we were having sex for the first time. She was like, what do you like? What do you like? And I was like, in my head, I was like, oh, my God, she's heard everything. Like, I have to think of another word for butthole. She knows everything. So I panicked. I just thought, all of this is good. That was, like, not appealing. And so I, you know, really, really liked the fact that our sex was, like, very intimate and very, like, loving and everything, because everything she does on set is, like, for work and performative, and so I really like that. But then you know, she hit me with a monogamous thing, and I haven't done that in, like, four, three, four years. And I had to take a little time to process and we kind of stopped talking. And then I went out to LA and I, like, laid it on the line. Like, look, like, I would love to be monogamous with you. I'd like to be together, and I'm willing to do what can be done to make this work. But I put up a boundary. I was like, the way I am, if we're together, I'm going to really, really be into you. And I need the whole opposite. Coasting isn't going to work. I need you to come on the road with me. And I'll have to come out to LA a lot. I can't just do, like, I'll see you in a month.

[Lauren]

That's if you're going to have a monogamous relationship.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm. I'm on the road the most I've been in New York since December was eight days. I've been on the road every weekend since December, and I love it. I'm having the time in my life, but it's, like, intensely lonely. And if I have a partner, I'd like them to be with me, but it's a big ask to be. I come to Appleton, Wisconsin for the weekend. Yeah, come to Oklahoma City. But so then we got together and then, like, I was like, yeah, let's give it a shot. Let's make it. Let's. Let's make it work. And she was like, what do you mean, give it a shot? You don't sound too into. And I'm like, oh, what? And, yeah, yeah, it was kind of like a little like. And then like, three days later, she called and was like, listen, like, I don't think I can do this. I am like, a very jealous person. And so I kind of, like, had gotten a vibe, so I was like, I get it. Totally cool. Like, I was.

[Lauren]

She initiated this. This whole thing of wanting to be monogamous. And then.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, but she hadn't been here. I can't get mad at her. She had been. She hadn't been in a relationship in a while. This was the first. Her first kind of serious thing in a long time. And so, you know, it's hard dipping your toe into that world and, you know, you can overthink things. And I can't, like, get mad at her for that. But I was proud of myself because I was like, you know what? I put it out there. I told myself I was going to try. I did. It didn't last for that long. But now I know that I'm capable of like kind of falling for someone again. And if the right person comes along, I'd like to do that. But right now, I'm just doing me.

[Lauren]

Yeah. You know, when I was younger, I dreamed big, like so many of us do. But as I got older, those dreams shifted from wild ideas to something more real, turning my skills and passions into a business. Starting this podcast and launching our merch felt exciting, but also overwhelming. I worried, what if I can't build a website? What if I don't know how to find customers? Those doubts are totally normal. That's why I love Shopify. Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide, including big names like Mattel and Gymshark, but also brands that are just getting started like ours. We actually use Shopify to run our own merch store and it makes everything so much easier. They have beautiful ready to go website templates so you don't have to be a design expert. Need help with product photos, descriptions or discounts? Shopify's AI tools cover that. Want to grow your audience? Shopify makes email and social media campaigns simple. And if you get stuck, they're award winning 24 7. Support is always there. Turn your big business idea into Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.comdate. go to shopify.comdate shopify.com date so when did. How long ago was that?

[Ian Finance]

It was like April.

[Lauren]

Oh, so it's not that long ago?

[Ian Finance]

No.

[Lauren]

Are you guys still friends?

[Ian Finance]

We're still buds. Yeah. Yeah. We send each other music and stuff and talk every once in a while. Check in.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

What can you do?

[Lauren]

And so are you on tour right now?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Yeah. So I just played Dallas Improv or Addison Improv Shout out. It was great. Then me and my. My lifelong best friend lives in Dallas so we drove to Austin. I did Kill Tony and I'm here and I got asked to do Montreal just for laughs. So I'm stoked on that.

[Lauren]

So that'll be fun.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. So I leave tomorrow morning at 5am and we'll fly up to Canada and then I go directly from JFL to a weekend in Indianapolis and then I'm home for three days and I go to Buffalo and then Chicago and Irvine Oxner.

[Lauren]

So when do you find time to do your. Your show for YouTube?

[Ian Finance]

So it's a travel show, so it's called Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs. So when I'm in these towns, I find someone who has, like, an interesting job. I show up, and they teach me how to do their job, and then I do their job. So I've tattooed. I got my tattooing license in Wisconsin.

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

All you need is 65 in an hour. And I'm a licensed tattooer. Oh, my God.

[Lauren]

Are you gonna be a pastor next?

[Ian Finance]

So I. I'd love to, you know, marry someone. I have married people before people do. People start to get engaged at my shows. I signed a wedding license at my show. It's, like, getting crazy. It's like.

[Lauren]

That's awesome.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, it's cool. Someone would. Would want such a monumental moment in their life to have me be a part of it, but a part of me is like, I don't want to, like, this up for you, you know?

[Lauren]

Is there any job you wouldn't do?

[Ian Finance]

I do everything. I'm. Dude, in Chicago, I'm going to train police canines, even though it's acab, except when you know we need them. I don't know what that means. All cops are bastards. Oh, did you not learn anything from the summer of 2020? The summer of love.

[Lauren]

I know now.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. So I just. Where was I this weekend? Oh, in Dallas. I. I went to Plano, Texas, and I did special effects makeup. So I learned how to do, like, a squib shot where someone on camera, on film, get. Whenever they get shot, they have, like, a condom full of blood, and it kind of explodes, make it look like a gunshot. So I learned how to do that. I learned how to put. Put like. Like, a stab wound on someone's face and do all the makeup to make it look realistic. Yeah, I. They opened up the BattleBots arena for me in Las Vegas.

[Lauren]

Really?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. And I. They had me repair a robot, and then I got to control a robot in front of a. A arena full of people.

[Lauren]

This is a genius idea.

[Ian Finance]

I'm having so much fun. Well, the whole thing is I'm. The road is so lonely. If I don't get out and do this stuff, I'm going to put a gun in my mouth.

[Lauren]

Well, not until you finish your body with tattoos.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, I know. And you're getting close. The death clock's ticking. Shout out. Trapped under ice. And so I was like, dude, I gotta start doing something. So I. Every show starts out with me being like, I'm here in this town, and if I don't get out and do something, I'm gonna kill myself. So I'm gonna, you know, learn how to cut hair in Rochester.

[Lauren]

So are. So do people hit you up and they're like, hey, I plant trees for a living. Do you want to come plant a tree?

[Ian Finance]

That'll be like a long episode, but.

[Lauren]

You know what I mean? I mean, how are people.

[Ian Finance]

How are you finding these things? 36 years. I will put something on my Instagram. You can email ian finance666mail.com and so people email me their towns and jobs, and then I set it up and some of them, I just put out something on my story week of. And then in the 11th hour, I figure it out, you know. But I also know a lot of my friends are like touring musicians and everything. And so they will hook me up with someone in a town that they know that they've played and they've made friends, and they're like, hey, I'm, you know, you're going to Richmond, Virginia. I know a guy that does this. So why don't you. I'll link you guys. I'm like, great. So it's, It's. It's been working out. I've been having a blast. So I'm releasing it in seasons on my YouTube.

[Lauren]

Has the first season been released?

[Ian Finance]

No. Well, the whole thing is I have to get more subscribers on my YouTube before I release it.

[Lauren]

This is gonna blow your YouTube channel up.

[Ian Finance]

I'm hoping, I mean, that the goal, because it's all out of pocket, it's put me in the poor house paying for all this. So the goal is to put it on my YouTube, hopefully knock on wood, fingers crossed, people dig it. And then have a network or sponsors want to put some money into it and make it a bigger thing. But even so, like, I'm having so much fun. The. The money coming out of my pocket sucks. But it's like, if I could get some advertisers or someone to put some money into it, it'd be great. But I want to keep doing it. I love it. So I. We have six episodes filmed. That's going to be the first season, and now we're filming the second. And, yeah, it's great. Like, I'm going to go to Seattle and do, like, leather upholstery. Like, it's. It's. I don't know. I'll do anything that's. It's fun because I had a million jobs growing up, so I. I'm like a jack of all trades, master of none, so I can like, pick up anything. And it's funny because Initially when they teach me, I'm like, awful. And then by the end of the day I've like got the hang of it.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

So I, I really enjoy it and it's cool because I get to meet people and like learn about people doing these jobs. Like I, I learned how to make pizzas from scratch at this really good pizza restaurant in Oklahoma City called the Saucy Sicilian.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

And these like little like Spanish kids were teaching me how to make pizza and everything. And then like it turned into this thing where I was, you know, relating to them. You know, me and this kid both had dead dads and like, you know, we became buddies. He's like the 17 year old kid that they're trying to get on the straight and narrow. And so like I just bought him a belt and a belt buckle at Allen's Boots and also send it to him. So there's like a humanity piece to it too, you know, which I enjoy. So I'm having fun.

[Lauren]

I hope you get to blow glass somewhere.

[Ian Finance]

Dude, I love blowing glass. I love blowing glass. I've done it before. It's so fun.

[Lauren]

I've never done it and it looks so fun.

[Ian Finance]

Dude, it's the, the coolest shit. When someone's so good at blowing glass, it's incredible. Mind blowing. Yes. Dude. When they, when they have something and then like a circular like glass thing in the middle. Yeah, the coolest.

[Lauren]

You can cut it.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

And the way, I mean.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. And you put it in the fire and you spin it around. Oh, it's the best.

[Lauren]

I think Gigi Hadid does that now.

[Ian Finance]

Who's that?

[Lauren]

She's like a supermodel.

[Ian Finance]

Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

And she call me, I'll blow your glass.

[Lauren]

I think she'll blow your glass.

[Ian Finance]

As long as someone's getting blown, I don't care.

[Lauren]

Yeah, She's a supermodel. Oh, that's like a famous supermodel. And she blows glass now and she's apparently pretty good at it. Yeah, it's like her thing.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. See, I'm not getting hooked up with like supermodels doing stuff I'm with, like.

[Lauren]

But we need to hook you up.

[Ian Finance]

Little Mexican boys in a kitchen making pizza. If you're a supermodel, hook me up with one of your jobs. Yeah, yeah.

[Lauren]

So how. So you're doing all these fun jobs on the road. Are you meeting anyone and trying to go on any dates on the road?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. And Sally, call me back. I'm only in Austin for one more day. I mean, what the hell is this. I'll meet people. Yeah, but it's weird, man. I can't really do one night stands anymore. I need to have, like, a connection with someone. So I'll have, like, a girlfriend for the weekend, and then we stay in touch, and then the next time I'm in that town, I'll see them and it's, like, nice, but I can't just, like, hook up with someone and then.

[Lauren]

Like, never see them again.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, like, it's. I'm, like, old. I, like, have to, like, get into, like, what's sad.

[Lauren]

Do I think one night stands are kind of sad?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, I mean, they could be hot. But. But dude, some, some people like the dude, oh, my God. God bless you. But this girl showed up in, like, fish nets and a shirt that said, and she's like, I got a hotel room. Come by tonight. I just need one night. And I was like, no, I just call your father, like, go to church, you know, I just want to watch Forensic Files alone, you know, but, but, like, I don't know if I, I, I love meeting people and making connections or even if I just make a friend. It's great. Like, my friend Jade, like, we didn't hook up, but now every time I go to San Antonio, I go out to dinner with, like, her and her friends and, like, all the Native Americans that were in the kitchen when I got tattooed on the table. Like, I just like making friends and, and it's nice because it can get, like, intensely lonely on the road, you know? And then you're like, you know, I get off stage after doing, like, two hours. I do an hour set, and then the meet and greet takes, like, you know, an hour. And it's just my brain's bursting with endorphins. I'm just, like, left alone in a hotel room. And if I meet someone, I'm like, look, we don't have to have sex, but if you want to, like, eat chips and hang out in my hotel room, I don't care. Like, yeah, let's go shoot darts or whatever. Yeah. Like, I really love ping pong. So, like. But I'm, I, it's, it's. I, I have to have, like, not just, like, anyone, you know, because there are, like, some. Because I'm open about my sexuality. A lot of, like, couples want me to, like, fuck them. And it's never like, you and Gigi Hadid. It's two people that look like Bebop and Rocksteady or, like, like, they just were born at a Renaissance fair. Like, my fingernails haven't been cut in three years. Let's play. Let's play Comb the Grease out of my husband's Hair. And I'm like, get away from me.

[Lauren]

That's who you're referencing?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always one pig and one rhin looking.

[Lauren]

Oh, my God. That would give me nightmares.

[Ian Finance]

Some guy with thinning hair and a girl that's like, really, you know, the.

[Lauren]

Same size as him. Yikes.

[Ian Finance]

You know, I appreciate the love. Keep buying tickets, but I don't want to.

[Lauren]

You. Oh, my God. So how do you tell. So, I mean, do you just say no?

[Ian Finance]

I. Yeah, let's role play. Ready?

[Lauren]

Yes.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, Ian, you're so funny. And you don't look like you have a costume face. Do you want to me and my husband tonight?

[Lauren]

These people think they're comics.

[Ian Finance]

I was just making a joke. Oh, they don't say that.

[Lauren]

I'm like, oh, my God.

[Ian Finance]

I was, like, reassuring myself that you.

[Lauren]

Didn'T look like that.

[Ian Finance]

Here, let's try again. I'll be someone that wants to fuck you.

[Lauren]

I was.

[Ian Finance]

So you're okay. You're. You're me after a show and I'm with my couple.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Hey, Ian, you have value. And people like you. Even though you tell yourself a story in your head that they don't. It's okay being 40 with cats. Do you want to fuck me and my husband? Who?

[Lauren]

I don't know. I need to get to bed by 7:00pm tonight.

[Ian Finance]

Okay, well, it's actually 11:30, so. You're a liar.

[Lauren]

Yeah, well, you're ugly.

[Ian Finance]

Jesus, Lauren, that's not how you handle it. Oh, my God. Holy.

[Lauren]

I don't know about that.

[Ian Finance]

Here, I'll be me. You be you. Be the.

[Lauren]

I be the person coming up to you.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Okay. Hey. And we know that you're bi.

[Ian Finance]

Yes. I'll you.

[Lauren]

Oh, God.

[Ian Finance]

I'll you. I'll suck you. I'll you. Whatever. Let's get out of here.

[Lauren]

I'll kill for you, but we have to be monogamous.

[Ian Finance]

Okay. Anything. Jesus Christ. All right. Fart through a speakerphone and I'll love you forever.

[Lauren]

And we gotta get you, like, a permanent person.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, I'd like that eventually.

[Lauren]

How do we get you a permanent person?

[Ian Finance]

I don't know if I learned anything from Beauty and the Beast. You gotta lock them in your castle until they love you. No, I mean, I'm. I'm open to it. It's just, I, I.

[Lauren]

What's your red flag? Because you're so fun and you're so nice and you're so open. What's. What's going on? Why are. Why. What's your red flag?

[Ian Finance]

My red flag is. Is me. I'm very busy. And I hate hearing the sad in someone's voice going like, I miss you. I wish you were here. And it makes me feel, like, helpless, because I want to solve the problem, and the only way to solve it is to not be on the road all the time. You know, even someone in New York, I live in Brooklyn. And if they live in Manhattan, that's like a long distance relationship or. Or even like, dude, I'm never home. So when I'm home, I'm like, I don't want to leave my apartment. I want to be with my cats. I want to eat my cherries, I want to spit the pits in my seltzer that I've already drank. And I want to watch documentaries and play video games. And then they'll be like, come over. And I'm like, no, you come over. And then it's a war of attrition.

[Lauren]

Spicy.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

No, you come over.

[Ian Finance]

I know. That's hot. Yeah, I got kind of dumped because I would never go to this guy's house that I was seeing, and he lived in an old firehouse. He lived in Spike Lee's old house that he wrote do the right thing in. He was like this rich guy. A part of me was like, dude, I should just be like, a house husband.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Or the pool guy quit all this. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Well, are you always on tour?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Always.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Are you always going to be on.

[Ian Finance]

Tour 42 weekends of the year? You sound like every ex I've ever had. Are you always going to be doing this? Do you think you want to quit and be a carpenter in Philadelphia? No, Olivia. And that's the problem that existed when we dated, and now we're trying to do it again. What's the point?

[Lauren]

I'm just asking a question.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, well, you're asking a question you already know the answer for.

[Lauren]

Okay. I didn't know we were dating. Well, you're talking to me like a boyfriend.

[Ian Finance]

Sorry. I wish. By the way, shout out. Ymh. When I did the live pod, you guys gave me like four cartons of cigarettes. Yeah, and that fucking ruled. Thank you.

[Lauren]

You're welcome.

[Ian Finance]

That was awesome. They're 20 bucks a pack in New York, so you guys really saved me some money.

[Lauren]

What?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Well, I got a guy. I shout out, ali, I'll stop Gourmet.

[Lauren]

You know, I got mushrooms in New York. At a barber shop. It was the weirdest thing.

[Ian Finance]

What?

[Lauren]

Yeah, I went to New York and.

[Ian Finance]

I was like, psychedelics.

[Lauren]

Yeah. And there was this gay guy that was like walking around.

[Ian Finance]

I'm the mushroom man.

[Lauren]

He was the mushroom man.

[Ian Finance]

Hey.

[Lauren]

He was in Central park and he was literally like, so, so high. You could tell that he was like, staring at this tree.

[Ian Finance]

You bought mushrooms from a gay man in Central Park?

[Lauren]

No, I bought mushrooms from a gay man's barber.

[Ian Finance]

Uh huh.

[Lauren]

And so I asked him where he got his mushrooms. He said, this barber. So we go to the barber shop. We go in, we're like, hey, heard you guys have mushrooms here. And the guy's like, no, I don't know what you're talking about. And we're like, well, this gay guy in Central park said that you guys have mushrooms here, but first you have.

[Ian Finance]

To suck my dick through a hole in the wall.

[Lauren]

Well, he said. He was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got mushrooms.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, Frank.

[Lauren]

Yeah, okay, okay, duh. And then he goes in the back and then he comes out and has this like, like really colorful cellophane bag of all these little waffle cones. They look like little snow cone waffle cones. And they were filled with chocolate. And the chocolate was psychedelic. They were so good. We ate them all.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Do you remember the experience?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

That's cool.

[Lauren]

But I get like, shaky and vomit if I eat them, so after like two hours.

[Ian Finance]

I haven't done that shit in like 10. I'm 10 years sober. I haven't done that shit in forever, man.

[Lauren]

Well, if you want some, I know a gay guy.

[Ian Finance]

I do not want some. I'm sober. Unless you want me to sneak in here and rob you of your studio.

[Lauren]

I don't.

[Ian Finance]

That would put me on a bad path.

[Lauren]

Then don't do that.

[Ian Finance]

I'm not.

[Lauren]

What is the worst thing you did when you were getting fucked up?

[Ian Finance]

Jesus. Like, worst situation I got in.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

I mean, one time I. I woke up naked in this guy's bed and he was like, I woke up. I was like, whoa, how'd I get here? He's like, well, you met me in a pizza shop last night. You bet me a slice of pizza I couldn't you in the ass. And I was like, what? He's like, yeah, you're making a real big stink about it. So I brought you home. I was like, well, did you fuck me in the ass? He's like, no, you wouldn't let me. And you, you passed out naked in my bed like a fat pig. And I was like, well, Charles, looks like you owe me a slice of pizza.

[Lauren]

Wow.

[Ian Finance]

One time I met this gay guy at this gay bar I used to go to and I lied to him and told him I was a writer for snl and, and I'd look at his script. So his, his script was called Lower east side Ballers. And it was a musical about these street basketball players trying to make it in the Big Apple. And I wish I still had it, cuz I would love to do a table read of this horrific musical this bald black gay man from the Lower east side wrote. And he blew me while I read it. And then I couldn't get hard because I was on cocaine and. And then I stole his coke and I'll never forget leaving his apartment. He was like, where's my coke? And I was like, I don't know. But I'll get back to you about the script. I just like ran down the road.

[Lauren]

It sounds like you had a lot of fun.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. No. And then my last run, I was bleeding out of my left nostril, snorting out of my right, puking in a toilet. And I drank hand sanitizer and a Greyhound bus headed to an ex girlfriend's house because I got kicked out of a bar and they stopped serving me. So it was a lot of fun until. Until it wasn't.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

What can you do?

[Lauren]

Quit? Yeah, I did for 10 years.

[Ian Finance]

10 years and counting.

[Lauren]

That's awesome.

[Ian Finance]

By the grace of God.

[Lauren]

Congratulations.

[Ian Finance]

Thanks. My life's infinitely better.

[Lauren]

Do you still have find yourself in fun situations all the time? I guess you're doing your show. That's a super.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, but also like, I've, I've really learned and I love like meeting people new sobriety and like being able to show them that you can have fun sober. Because the toughest thing and the biggest hill to climb really is like imagining your life without drugs and alcohol, you know?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

It like becomes so boring. But I think it's important to show people you can have fun in sobriety and like, still have, you know, a lust for life without having to pen. Having to depend on something that really just anesthetizes you and, and makes you, you know, lesser of who you were meant to be. So. Yeah, I, I really enjoy sobriety. I mean, as, as long as I'm like working on myself and doing everything that I'm supposed to do. But there's been times when I've found more misery and sobriety than I did drinking. That's a gnarly place to be.

[Lauren]

You Know, what do you think is the most miserable thing about sobriety?

[Ian Finance]

Jesus.

[Lauren]

Sorry.

[Ian Finance]

No, serious.

[Lauren]

I'm, like, sober too.

[Ian Finance]

This is the most vulnerable I've ever gotten on a date. I. Like, we've covered so much.

[Lauren]

I know.

[Ian Finance]

This is amazing. What. What was your question?

[Lauren]

What's the most miserable thing about sobriety?

[Ian Finance]

I mean, sobriety is only as miserable as you allow it to be. You know, it's like the. The toughest thing is life on life's terms, you know, and having to deal with the reality of life without having something to make it. Those feelings go away, you know, so it's all dependent on how you feel and how, you know, like, when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do as a sober member of society in the rooms of recovery, and, you know, I feel it, and then that's pretty miserable, you know, like, being like, miserable it. Like that. One of the toughest things is, is having to realize that, like, with out alcohol, you're still a problem. You know what I mean? Like, the alcohol is like a symptom of the disease of alcoholism, which is like a. An uneasiness with life. And so alcohol and drugs help me cope. And now without it, I have to find a way to cope on my own. And, like, actually doing the work is pretty tough because a lot of people stop drinking and they're like, oh, why is. Why aren't things better? I stopped drinking. It's like, well, now the work begins.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

You know.

[Lauren]

Well, your skin looks great.

[Ian Finance]

That's very sweet of you to say. Thank you.

[Lauren]

You're welcome.

[Ian Finance]

I've heard that whenever I'm on set, the makeup artist goes, oh, we didn't have to do much. You. You have really good skin. I'm like, well, can we pretend I love.

[Lauren]

Brush me with your brushes.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have great skin, too. Have people been telling you that you've been glowing since you had a baby?

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

Really? I was gonna say that when I saw you, but I felt like that was a thing people always say, but I meant it.

[Lauren]

I think it is a thing that people always say, but not to me.

[Ian Finance]

Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

That's hilarious. Oh, no. Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Wow. You do.

[Lauren]

Thank you.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

It's not often, though, that a guy has such nice skin.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, thanks. I appreciate that.

[Lauren]

And I feel like probably a lot of it has to do with being sober.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. But it's funny because I smoke like two packs a day and I drink coffee, but I think I. I'm praying to God I'm one of Those people that, like, lives, and they're like, what's the secret? I'm like, I just smoked every day. You know, those, like, old.

[Lauren]

They're, like, 110 years old.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Like, that. I. I feel like that's, like my. Like, I smoke when I ride a bike, and I feel like it opens my lungs up more to, like, breathe better.

[Lauren]

Because you're taking deep breaths.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Well, I also start boxing, and I'll, like, rip a cig before we go. And my stamina is, like, not that bad for someone that smokes. I just have to get better, like, connecting my body to my mind.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Do you think you'll ever stop smoking?

[Ian Finance]

I mean, eventually, but not anytime soon.

[Lauren]

Did being sober or getting sober make you any more religious?

[Ian Finance]

No. I mean, that's, like, a real tough thing is, like, you know, like. I don't know. I've. I always. This is, like, such a. Another, like, hokey thing, but, like, it. The kind of cool thing about sobriety is that, like, you do need to find something that's greater than yourself to believe in so that you can, like, help. Like, if. If I believe that something helped you get sober and I want your sobriety, then I need to believe that something can help me get sober. And whether it's another person or people or, you know, something out there. But I've kind of evolved to where I have, like, a buffet of my idea of, like, God and a code of conduct. Like, I really love, like, Native American spirituality, Buddhism, some tenets of Islam I really love. And you have to, like, unlearn that programming of religion and God that you were, like, taught as a kid. That kind of drives people away from the church, you know? And I think religion is such a cool thing, but humans make it so.

[Lauren]

Shitty because they make it clicky, and they make it all about going to.

[Ian Finance]

Hell if you sin.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

You know, and then you're, like, living with this.

[Lauren]

Like, it's not very inviting.

[Ian Finance]

No, no. But then also, the mega churches where you have these young people that are like, dude, our church is different. Come on in. You're like, that's too inviting. I don't want to be a part of that. Where some, like, autistic teenager with a headset is playing the drums behind glass while some, like, young guy is, like, preaching about how cool go is. But, you know, he's like, the people that are like, I'll be a counselor. Is that too specific?

[Lauren]

Sounds incredibly relatable.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

To most churches.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Church sucks. But the idea of, like, going somewhere.

[Lauren]

But I think you pinpointed. Pinpointed that.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Did. Has having a baby made you connect more with something else?

[Lauren]

I think that having a baby has made me connect more with technology.

[Ian Finance]

What?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

How?

[Lauren]

There is so much technology.

[Ian Finance]

See, I don't like that. That makes you, like, a spy helicopter parent. That's like, I have to watch every single second.

[Lauren]

No, no, no, no. It's actually the opposite.

[Ian Finance]

What do you mean?

[Lauren]

So, like, my son has this bassinet that he sleeps in, and it's called a snoo. And there's this technology in it, and there's a bathroom.

[Ian Finance]

It sounds like one of the girls that tries to fuck me after a show.

[Lauren]

A snoo.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, the snooze coming up. I got to get out of here.

[Lauren]

Damn. Well, I won't relate this to anything weird then. But it. It. It rocks, right? According to how the baby is doing. So if the baby starts fussing or crying, it rocks a little harder. And there's a sound machine built into it, and it puts them to sleep.

[Ian Finance]

Right. But didn't, like, parents used to do that.

[Lauren]

I don't know about.

[Ian Finance]

Like, I don't want to be human connection.

[Lauren]

2. Two hours every night doing.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, but you don't think that distance. The distances. The connection between a parent and the baby because it's like, oh, just let the computer do it, dude. Like, iPad kids freaks me out.

[Lauren]

There's no iPads. We don't use screens. But when I'm with him all day long from. For 24 hours at nighttime.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I'll let a computer rock that little fucker sleep. Rock him away.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. I can't imagine, man. Some of my friends are like, yeah, I got an hour of sleep. I'm like, me, too, But I don't have a kid.

[Lauren]

Well, everyone always says, like, oh, when I have a kid, I'm not gonna have any plastic in my house. Everything's gonna be glass. And I'm gonna do whole foods, and I'm gonna do, like, no screens and this and that. And you have this beautiful idea of how your family and your household and your bubble is gonna be. Give it four fucking weeks.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. And then you're like, anything to make it stop.

[Lauren]

You're like, you have so many toys because they get so bored with one that then suddenly they get bored, they cry, they throw it, and then they look at you, and it's like, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Ian Finance]

But then they're also sponges, and they pick up on shit.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Like, Stuff you say and everything.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

You know. Like I couldn't imagine having to like watch my mouth around something. Not knowing. Like if something I say when they're two is going to affect them for the rest of their life.

[Lauren]

That's it. That's a bit of a mind fuck too.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

But until they're like five months or six months old. They can't even sit up by themselves.

[Ian Finance]

That's when you get all your cussing out.

[Lauren]

You're. You're holding this thing.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

And you can't walk away or let it go. You can put it down in like a bouncy chair for maybe 30 seconds.

[Ian Finance]

Good God.

[Lauren]

And you have to. And that's like your one window to go to the bathroom.

[Ian Finance]

I know.

[Lauren]

And then scream. Crying.

[Ian Finance]

When you hearing all this.

[Lauren]

Really frustrated.

[Ian Finance]

Hearing all this really makes me empathize with Casey Anthony. You know.

[Lauren]

She has a boyfriend.

[Ian Finance]

She just needed some time off. Does she?

[Lauren]

She does.

[Ian Finance]

Wow.

[Lauren]

I. I random Instagram that. She's like dating someone now.

[Ian Finance]

Whoa.

[Lauren]

She's got like a serious.

[Ian Finance]

Wonder what that first date's like. I don't know. Let's role play.

[Lauren]

See? Look. That's her.

[Ian Finance]

Is that her?

[Lauren]

Yeah. She's on a date.

[Ian Finance]

So much hotter. When she was in prison.

[Lauren]

Yeah. There's something about a murder on the loose. Murderer.

[Ian Finance]

She really has just dead eyes.

[Lauren]

I wonder why.

[Ian Finance]

Is that the guy?

[Lauren]

I think so.

[Ian Finance]

The guy looks like Freddy Krueger without the makeup.

[Lauren]

I.

[Ian Finance]

Crazy.

[Lauren]

That's crazy Freddy.

[Ian Finance]

It's like Robert England.

[Lauren]

Is that him at the bottom? Right?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. No. No. I think that's like her dad. Oh my God.

[Lauren]

Whoa.

[Ian Finance]

Who's that?

[Lauren]

God. Estranged wife. Why did it just say it so weirdly?

[Ian Finance]

Ah. Put that forehead away.

[Lauren]

I was just gonna say it kind of out.

[Ian Finance]

I guess they. Is it like a requirement in jail to tweeze your eyebrows to death? What the hell is that?

[Lauren]

How I think she's doing that with her fingers. Man.

[Ian Finance]

Right? Doesn't it? Ah. It's the same guy. Wow. Wow.

[Lauren]

He had a facelift.

[Ian Finance]

Damn. How'd they meet?

[Lauren]

How'd you pinpoint that?

[Ian Finance]

I. I don't know. I have a sick thing in my mind. I'm sick lady.

[Lauren]

Damn.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

That's wild. Of course she'd get with a young Freddy Krueger.

[Ian Finance]

Good for her. You know. On the rebound. Would you ever date a murderer?

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

What? Some guy was like. Look like. I. You know.

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

Dude. Have you seen that show? Like Tough Questions or something? Do you guys know what I'm talking about? That show on Netflix. It's like, Australian. They, like, interview marginalized people and ask them direct questions. And they ask every marginalized group under the table, like, across the spectrum, like, direct questions, except for black people and being like, why are you guys always so loud? But they ask. They have one that's like, are you the. Like, I murdered someone. And I put it on with a girl, thinking it was going to be funny. Like, like, I was in a bar fight and I was a biker. Like, Like, I thought it was gonna be interesting.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

And it was like, the saddest thing ever was some guy. They were all Australian, and it was. Some guy was like. They're like, so, who did you kill? And he's like, I accidentally killed my son. You're like, oh, God. He's like, I ran him over. He was a little tiny guy behind the car. I'm like, jesus Christ, this is horrific.

[Lauren]

You can't ask that. Did you know that Dog the bounty hunter? I just saw this morning that his stepson, murdered by his father.

[Ian Finance]

Really? Shot by dog.

[Lauren]

No. Dog the bounty hunter has a stepson.

[Ian Finance]

Huh.

[Lauren]

Went hunting or out shooting or something with his father. The stepson's actual dad, and the actual dad killed his step. Fatal accident.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, my God.

[Lauren]

Accidentally killed his stepson today or yesterday.

[Ian Finance]

Jesus Christ.

[Lauren]

I know.

[Ian Finance]

Can you imagine?

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

So you wouldn't date that guy?

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

But you wouldn't date a guy that was like, look, I gotta be honest. Like, I accidentally shot someone hunting.

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

No.

[Lauren]

Would you? You. Are you the rhino and the hippo?

[Ian Finance]

Well, it's different between being born ugly and shooting someone, but.

[Lauren]

No, no, no.

[Ian Finance]

I don't think I would either.

[Lauren]

I mean, that's scary. You don't want to die.

[Ian Finance]

But it's also, like, if it's an accidental thing, people deserve redemption, right?

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

No.

[Lauren]

Do you think so?

[Ian Finance]

I mean, it all depends. Like, not Casey Anthony, but this poor guy killed his son by accident. It's like, you know, he feels bad enough.

[Lauren]

Oh, it's his grandson. Wife's son.

[Ian Finance]

What the hell happened to Beth? Is that Beth? She died, too. She died? Yeah, in a horrific big boob accident.

[Lauren]

Wow.

[Ian Finance]

What happened to Beth? God, man. Life comes at you fast, man.

[Lauren]

Comes at these people even faster. Illness and death.

[Ian Finance]

Throat cancer. Oh, my Throat cancer. Oh, God. It's like looking into my future.

[Lauren]

No.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, dude, it's. That's a crazy thing about not having, like, a person, because, you know, I'll get all these, like. You know, DMS are, like, boobs, and I'm just like, Saying this, I'm copying, pasting the same thing. Like, whoa, those are nice tits. Whoa. That's a butt. Whoa. I don't have anyone to take care of me when I'm older, you know?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Whoa. No one's gonna help me clean out my hoarding mother's home, you know?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

But it's like, you know, I'm honest with everyone that I'm with. Like, they know the score, you know? But it's like, I don't know. I would like to settle down, but it's like, I don't know. How'd you know when you were ready to settle down?

[Lauren]

Yeah, I've always been ready to settle down.

[Ian Finance]

So you're like a serial monogamous.

[Lauren]

Oh, yeah.

[Ian Finance]

So then is it the person or is it the idea of settling down?

[Lauren]

No, it's got to be the right person. Like, I'm not afraid to break up with someone, but I've been in, like, one long relationship after another. Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

You don't ever get fearful that, like, you should be alone at all or, like, you should be kind of, you know, sewing your wild oats with a guy who's sitting across from you?

[Lauren]

Do good alone. I don't do good alone.

[Ian Finance]

Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah. I'm not. I am not my best.

[Ian Finance]

I've had to learn how to be alone. Like, I've had to take time with myself instead of being like. Because then it's like, I feel like you're. You're just, like, not. Maybe you're, like, subconsciously using someone to be. You're like. I get lost in the difference between having someone that's your rock or having someone that you're using because you can't be with yourself. Does that make sense?

[Lauren]

I know what you're saying.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. So I forced myself to, like, be alone, to be the rock for myself before I can.

[Lauren]

You know, this is gonna sound weird, but I'm, like, such a rock for myself. Sounds weird.

[Ian Finance]

You're a rock for yourself.

[Lauren]

I'm so sorry. Stable with myself. And when I'm in a relationship, I'm so giving. Like, I like to cook. I'm like Suzy homemaker. I clean the house. I will do all the laundry. Like, I'm. I'm built.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

To be with someone and make a man's life better.

[Ian Finance]

See, that's what I want. But I also want. Like, I've enjoyed cooking. Like, I would. Like, like, you cook, and I'll clean up the dishes. You wait on me, and then I'll wait on you. Like, I. I think My love language is like, gift giving because I always give, like, trinkets.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Like. Yeah. I think I have all the love languages. I like, like, touch words of affirmation, compliments, gift giving.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

And I just want that, like, in return, I guess.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

But I don't want to become lazy because I. I lived with one person and we became, like, roommates instead of like. Like partners.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

And I don't want to do that again. So I think I had to learn how to, like, be on my own so I don't slip into, like, being, like, lazy in a relationship again. But now I've been on my own so long, I'm like. I don't think I ever want to live with someone again. I really like my life, you know?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Part of me is like, dude, I'm. I'm. I'll just be a bachelor. And I've thrown myself into my friendships. I used to get really upset. Like, I come home and I'd have no one. But it's like, like. So now I go and meet up with friends or I do an activity to make myself not just be like a slug at home.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

I don't know. I'm happy, I'm content. It's not like I have this, like, thing where I feel empty anymore because I don't have a partner because I've spent a lot of time, like, working and being that for myself. So it'll happen when it happens, you know?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

But we'll see, you know?

[Lauren]

Well, I hope you meet someone that makes you happy that you can have.

[Ian Finance]

What is the next time I come back? I'm, like, married.

[Lauren]

I don't think that's going to happen.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, okay. Why? Why not? Why not me?

[Lauren]

Lauren, it's not that it won't happen.

[Ian Finance]

You hope I find someone and then now you think it won't.

[Lauren]

No, I hope you do, but you probably won't.

[Ian Finance]

Why? What the hell kind of gypsy curse is this? This is the worst fortune telling I've ever got in my life.

[Lauren]

I'm sorry.

[Ian Finance]

My God, Zoltar, I'm just. Fuck you. What the hell is this? You deserve. You're a great guy. Oh, what if I find someone? Let me tell you something, freak. You won't.

[Lauren]

No, Len, I'm just saying that the odds of what?

[Ian Finance]

You're really digging a deeper hole for yourself.

[Lauren]

Go ahead. I just. By the time. You're gonna come back so soon?

[Ian Finance]

Oh, here it comes.

[Lauren]

You're gonna come back so soon.

[Ian Finance]

Look at you, buttering my bread.

[Lauren]

That I Just, I feel like you'll be on season three.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Lauren]

Of your show, and you might have found someone else that wants to be monogamous.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Lauren]

But you're always on tour, and you're probably gonna fall for someone that is, like, spicy, caliente.

[Ian Finance]

I love Latinas.

[Lauren]

Glad we flip that around. I just. I feel like for you to settle down, you're going to have to want to settle down. And it doesn't sound like you really want to.

[Ian Finance]

Well, maybe, you know, polyamory sounds appealing until you meet the people that are into it. Then you're like, I don't want to be involved in that. But the idea of, like. Like, going back to someone is nice, but then it's like, how do you, you know, not get distracted by someone else? You know? So I don't know.

[Lauren]

Gotta fall in love.

[Ian Finance]

I do want to fall in love, but I'm happy with the love I have for myself and the people around me for now.

[Lauren]

Right.

[Ian Finance]

If you're out there, I'll find you. The universe will provide. It'll happen.

[Lauren]

All right, well, let's make a bet. Okay, let's make a bet.

[Ian Finance]

Okay. What should we bet, fellas?

[Lauren]

Well, this is our bet.

[Ian Finance]

The. The.

[Lauren]

I bet by the time you come back.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

You will have been in another monogamous.

[Ian Finance]

Relationship, but it won't be marriage.

[Lauren]

But you won't be married.

[Ian Finance]

And what will you win? If that's correct?

[Lauren]

If that is correct.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Lauren]

Then you have to buy me a slice of pizza.

[Ian Finance]

This is the most boring bet I've ever heard.

[Lauren]

Okay, fine. Then you have to get a tattoo.

[Ian Finance]

Of your lips on my ass.

[Lauren]

Of my lips on your ass?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. All right. Looks like I am going to intentionally do what you say. Whoopsies.

[Lauren]

What? And then let's say you are married. You come back and you're married. What?

[Ian Finance]

$5,000.

[Lauren]

Give you $5,000.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

What.

[Lauren]

If you come back and you're. You are actually married in, like, a real marriage? I'll give you $5,000.

[Ian Finance]

Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Time to fucking 90 day fiance it up.

[Lauren]

But it has to be real.

[Ian Finance]

No.

[Lauren]

So you're coming back on next week?

[Ian Finance]

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Oh, my God. I have to find a little whore before then.

[Lauren]

And it has to be a little maneka. That.

[Ian Finance]

That's little doll in Spanish. I've learned that they like that.

[Lauren]

All right, until then, yes. Where can people find you?

[Ian Finance]

Looking for my mana so I can win that cold, hard $5,000?

[Lauren]

Aussie Osborne died. I thought he was already dead.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, Lauren, please. He's not even cold yet. Oh, my God. You know what? He went out on his own terms. He knew he was gonna go. He had that big celebration in Birmingham. Everybody showed up and showed out and let him know the love and affection that they've had for him and how they've impacted, how their lives have been impacted by him. And he really. He almost had like a funeral for himself with that reunion. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. 100. Yeah. I mean, if there's any. I mean, it's shocking, but it's like such a beautiful way to go, you know?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Imagine before you die, you get to see how much you're loved that. Isn't that beautiful?

[Lauren]

That is really beautiful.

[Ian Finance]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Wasn't he like the king of the underworld? Like the. The. He ate bats, didn't he?

[Ian Finance]

We're not gonna have conjecture and ignorance.

[Lauren]

I guess this is like a hard Ozzy Osbourne, right? Did he not eat bats?

[Ian Finance]

Well, keep it a thought and don't say it out loud. He did.

[Lauren]

Or was it a bad stuff with a saw?

[Ian Finance]

Somebody threw a bat on stage, he thought it was fake. He bit the head off. And then he had to deal with the prejudice for people like you thinking that's all he was about. Yeah, he was about so much more.

[Lauren]

What was he about?

[Ian Finance]

Metal. Metal and the dark Lord.

[Lauren]

See, the dark Lord. That's like literally what I just said. Wasn't he the king of the army?

[Ian Finance]

No, that was all like a show. He basically invented heavy metal with Black Sabbath. Do you know nothing?

[Lauren]

I don't know a lot, I guess. This was a really weird way to end our show.

[Ian Finance]

God bless Ozzy. Anyway, you can find me at ianimal69 on Instagram ianfinadance.com for all my dates. My walk up song will now be Crazy Train by In the in memory of Ozzy. He's finally with Randy Rhodes in heaven. His best friend and guitarist had died in a plane accident many moons ago. Arc of the moons ago. Sorry, my autism's coming out about music man, that. Honestly though, you can't be sad. He had such a beautiful sense.

[Lauren]

I'm not sad.

[Ian Finance]

You don't know anything about what's going on. This means nothing to you. Maybe. Maybe if they were like, oh, star shots of sunset, millionaire house died. You'd be like, oh, tragic. Yeah, this is real life. This isn't some influencer on a TV show.

[Lauren]

This way. I just found out that he was in Black Sabbath, Warren. Oh, I didn't. I thought he was a solo artist.

[Ian Finance]

Now that I know you have expendable five grand, I'm just gonna rob you and leave.

[Lauren]

You're not on drugs anymore.

[Ian Finance]

That's what you think.

[Lauren]

That's not your style.

[Ian Finance]

I'm gonna snort some ants in memory of Ozzy, man.

[Lauren]

So Ozzy Osbourne was not a solo artist. Did not eat. Stop. Damn. Sucks. That sucks.

[Ian Finance]

Dude. I would love the next article to come out. Like, like reactions to Ozzy. And it's just Lauren being like, okay, this is fun.

[Lauren]

I can't wait to have you back.

[Ian Finance]

I can't wait to be back.

[Lauren]

Thanks for coming on.

[Ian Finance]

Thanks for having me. I always have fun when I'm with you. Thank you.

[Lauren]

Absolutely.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. And shout out. Guys, thanks for those smokes. Really appreciate it.

[Lauren]

And thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of First Date. We'll see what happens next time. First date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First date. I can't wait. You told me your mom about me Just say you ready? Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommates. First date.