Special Needs Queens w/ Fiona Cauley | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

First Date with Lauren Compton: Special Needs Queens w/ Fiona Collie

Release Date: November 19, 2024
Host: Lauren Compton
Guest: Fiona Collie, Comedian and Viral Content Creator

In this lively and heartfelt episode of "First Date with Lauren Compton," host Lauren Compton engages in a candid conversation with Fiona Collie, a Nashville-based comedian known for her sharp wit and unique perspective on life as a person with a disability. The episode delves deep into Fiona's personal journey, her experiences in the comedy scene, and the intricacies of dating while navigating a rare neurological condition.

Introduction to Fiona Collie

Lauren kicks off the episode by introducing Fiona, highlighting her comedic talents and recent appearance on the popular show "Kill Tony." Fiona's ability to infuse humor into her experiences of living in a wheelchair sets the stage for an engaging and insightful dialogue.

Lauren (00:48): "She recently made her debut on Kill Tony, where she really stood out by making some really good jokes about being in a wheelchair."

Fiona's Journey in Comedy

Fiona shares her three-year journey in stand-up comedy, discussing how her disability has shaped her comedic voice and storytelling. She recounts her performances across the country, including recent shows in Fort Worth, Texas.

Fiona (02:05): "I'm doing standup all over the country, so you can see her anywhere."

Fiona also touches upon her experience touring with well-known comedians like Rodney Carrington, providing listeners with a glimpse into the life of a touring comedian.

Fiona (02:31): "Matt, my boyfriend, opens for him, so he travels. And Rodney tours all year round."

Personal Life and Relationships

The conversation shifts to Fiona's personal life, particularly her relationship with Matt, her boyfriend and fellow comedian. They've been dating for a year and a half, having met through their shared passion for comedy.

Lauren (02:10): "I'm gonna say a year and a half."

Fiona (02:19): "He's very good."

Fiona humorously discusses the challenges of maintaining a relationship while on tour, emphasizing the support Matt provides despite his hectic schedule.

Fiona (12:25): "Historically, no, but I am crushing this one."

Navigating Dating with a Disability

Fiona delves into the complexities of dating as a person with a disability, identifying three common types of men she encounters:

1. The Fetishizer: Men who are attracted to her solely because of her disability.
2. The Virtue Signalers: Men who date her to appear compassionate or socially aware.
3. The Uncomfortable: Men who are interested until they learn about her disability, after which they lose interest.

Fiona (13:02): "Generally, it's the dude who wants to fuck you because you're disabled."

She shares poignant anecdotes, including a past relationship where her ex-boyfriend abandoned her during a dispute, highlighting the emotional toll of such experiences.

Fiona (14:05): "Men are fun."

Overcoming Challenges and Finding Love

Despite the challenges, Fiona expresses her gratitude for her current relationship with Matt, who brings maturity and understanding to the partnership. She contrasts this with her previous relationships, where she felt unsupported and undervalued.

Fiona (12:16): "I am crushing this one."

Her openness about her struggles and triumphs offers listeners a nuanced view of love and resilience in the face of adversity.

The "Tasting Menu" Segment

Lauren introduces a fun, rapid-fire question segment dubbed the "tasting menu," categorizing questions into appetizers, main courses, and desserts. This segment adds levity to the conversation, allowing Fiona to showcase her playful side.

Guilty Pleasures: Fiona admits her love for Amazon shopping and nighttime weed use, justifying the latter as a medical necessity.

Fiona (07:37): "Everything I wear is from Amazon."

Personal Red Flags: She humorously lists not wearing socks and drinking a bit too much as her red flags, attributing the latter to her Irish heritage.

Fiona (22:09): "I don't wear socks ever."

Favorite Position: Fiona candidly shares her favorite intimate position, offering a humorous take on the limitations posed by her wheelchair.

Fiona (32:48): "Missionary is my favorite one so far."

Sweetest Gesture: A touching story emerges as Fiona recounts how Matt installed grab bars beside their bed to aid her mobility, a gesture that brought her to tears.

Fiona (38:36): "It made me fucking cry."

Humorous Interactions and Banter

Throughout the episode, the playful banter between Lauren and Fiona keeps the tone light and engaging. They exchange jokes, with Lauren occasionally hitting on Fiona in jest, showcasing their comfortable rapport.

Lauren (24:02): "You have beautiful long hair. You have big boobs, thin arms, skinny legs. Like, you're in great shape."

Fiona (24:05): "Yeah. I'm like, I need. That's my bedtime routine."

Closing Thoughts and Social Media

As the episode winds down, Fiona shares her social media handles and website, encouraging listeners to follow her for more of her comedic content.

Fiona (40:04): "Fiona Collie on Instagram. And then my website is fionacoli.com."

Lauren expresses her appreciation for Fiona's humor and authenticity, leaving listeners with a sense of admiration for Fiona's strength and comedic talent.

Lauren (40:45): "I loved it. You have such a good sense of humor. Thank you. You guys have a great day and we'll see you later."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Fiona (04:34): "I was diagnosed with a rare, progressive disease called Friedrich's ataxia."
• Fiona (12:25): "I grapple. But, you know, he’s like nine years older than me..."
• Fiona (13:02): "Generally, it's the dude who wants to fuck you because you're disabled."
• Fiona (22:09): "I don't wear socks ever."
• Fiona (38:36): "It made me fucking cry."
• Fiona (07:37): "Everything I wear is from Amazon."

Final Thoughts

This episode of "First Date with Lauren Compton" offers a blend of humor, vulnerability, and insightful discussions about life, love, and the challenges of dating with a disability. Fiona Collie’s candidness and sharp wit provide listeners with both laughter and a deeper understanding of her journey, making for a compelling and memorable podcast experience.

---

For more episodes, follow Lauren Compton on Instagram and visit the podcast's official website.

Transcript

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[Host]

See DutchBros.com I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[Fiona Collie]

First date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date.

[Host]

Hi, guys. Welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a hilarious comedian from Nashville, Tennessee. She recently made her debut on Kill Tony, where she really stood out by making some really good jokes about being in a wheelchair chair. And she's doing standup all over the country, so you can see her anywhere. Give it up for Fiona Collie. Hello.

[Fiona Collie]

Hello.

[Host]

Thank you for coming on the show.

[Fiona Collie]

Thank you for having me.

[Host]

Hold on. Hey, Mom, I'm doing a podcast. Bye. You know, she always calls it, like, those times of the day.

[Fiona Collie]

It's like a tingly feeling there.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And I feel like she's old, so I gotta, like, answer it all the time. Cause I'm like, is she okay? You know, that's the only reason I keep it near me.

[Fiona Collie]

That's good. You're a good daughter.

[Host]

I don't know.

[Fiona Collie]

I don't know you very well, so that's okay.

[Host]

We're gonna get to know each other. So you're in Texas?

[Fiona Collie]

Yes.

[Host]

And how long have you been here?

[Fiona Collie]

I got here yesterday. I was in Fort Worth doing shows. Drip Up.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Doing the Mothership. A little bit Denied. Fun now. Yeah.

[Host]

Cool. How long have you been doing stand up?

[Fiona Collie]

Three years.

[Host]

Nice.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

And are you dating anybody?

[Fiona Collie]

I am.

[Host]

And how long have you been dating this person?

[Fiona Collie]

I'm gonna say a year and a half.

[Host]

How'd you guys meet?

[Fiona Collie]

Comedy.

[Host]

Is he a comedian?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

Is he good?

[Fiona Collie]

He's very good.

[Host]

Are you better?

[Fiona Collie]

I'm more disabled.

[Host]

Where does he live?

[Fiona Collie]

In Nashville.

[Host]

Okay, so you guys met out there. And does he go out. Does he tour with you at all?

[Fiona Collie]

Yes, he primarily. Do you know who Rodney Carrington is?

[Host]

I don't.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, he's, like, really famous on, like, certain demographics. Yeah, he's like country old guy. Matt, my boyfriend, opens for him, so he travels. And Rodney tours all year round? Yes, every weekend.

[Host]

Yeah, I'm terrible with names.

[Fiona Collie]

Me too. Dude.

[Host]

If I saw a picture of someone, I could be like, oh, okay. Yeah. I know him. I'm like, more like.

[Fiona Collie]

I literally. This is so embarrassing. I'm the same, but, like, even with faces, it's like a face blindness or something. I was in the green room mothership, and this older man comes up to me, and he was like, hey, great set. That was awesome. I was like, thank you. I'm Fiona. What's your name? And everyone got weird. I was like, okay. He was like, I'm Ron. It was Ron White. Yeah. Real nice guy. I'm an idiot. But.

[Host]

Well, to be fair, he's lost a lot of weight.

[Fiona Collie]

Yes. You know, sober, he's doing his thing.

[Host]

Yeah, he's. He's much thinner, I think, because he stopped drinking alcohol. And he does look a little bit different. He wears. He's got longer hair now. I mean, if you were to see Ron White when he was doing stand up on the Blue Collar comedy tour.

[Fiona Collie]

No world that I would still know. He's so, so insanely bad at this. Yeah, I know. Women, though. It's easier. All men look the same.

[Host]

Well, there's fewer women in comedy, though, you know, especially if you're good.

[Fiona Collie]

That's true.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

It's a bummer. And subratio is the issue. Yeah.

[Host]

So why are you in a wheelchair?

[Fiona Collie]

I love it. And. Okay, so I'm 28 right now. When I was 18, I was diagnosed with, like, a rare, progressive, neurological pathological disease called Friedrich's ataxia. And it's like, only 5,000 people in the US have it, so I'm very special.

[Host]

Lucky. You should play the lottery.

[Fiona Collie]

I know why the. In my ear. That's crazy. Nope. Yeah, so it's progressive. I used to be, like, an athlete, and then I was like, why am I walking weird? And everyone thought I was drunk because I speak a little strange, too. Because your tongue is a muscle. And. Yeah, I had a cane in college and then a walker, and now I have a wheelchair. It's like the de. Evolution of man.

[Host]

But you're upgrading. We should get you some spinners on your rims.

[Fiona Collie]

I'm telling you, I'm looking for a wheelchair sponsorship. That's what I want.

[Host]

We should bling it out.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Pimp my ride.

[Host]

My ride. Put some hydraulics on it. Yeah. I feel like there's. There's a space here for that.

[Fiona Collie]

I agree. Someone is missing out on money somewhere.

[Host]

So your boyfriend is also a comedian? He goes places with you. You've been together for a year. Do you guys. Do you. Are you in love with him?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

How long were you guys Together before you said, I love you.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, Lord. Like, four months probably.

[Host]

Really? That's kind of a long time.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, really?

[Host]

I think so. I thought you were gonna say four days.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, no, no. I don't trust people. Yeah, no, they're all just trying to steal my wheelchair and so take it.

[Host]

Out from under you.

[Fiona Collie]

You know men.

[Host]

Yeah. They're like, nice rides.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, I know. Just steal the fucking rims off my chair when I'm sleeping.

[Host]

That would suck. You're not going anywhere, bitch.

[Fiona Collie]

Fucking slash my tires. Kelly Clarkson, my ass. Is that Kelly Clarkson?

[Host]

That was Carrie Underwood.

[Fiona Collie]

I'm dumb. I'm from Nashville.

[Host]

You should know that. That's Carrie Underwood's, like, hot spot again.

[Fiona Collie]

I don't know anyone. I'm always confused. The world's very exciting for me.

[Host]

Okay, I'm going to pop into some of these questions here. I've got this menu.

[Fiona Collie]

Hell, yeah.

[Host]

So I've got appetizer questions, main course questions, and then a dessert question. So we'll start out easy. What is your guilty pleasure?

[Fiona Collie]

Ah, my guilty pleasure.

[Host]

Like, fast food.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, fuck Amazon. It's like the amount of packages on my front doors up is evil. It's not good. Everything I wear is from Amazon. Just that. And I smoke a lot of weed, but only at nighttime before bed, so I think it doesn't count. Do you know can you find my latte?

[Host]

Yeah. You're not, like, high out in public? It's like. Does it help you sleep?

[Fiona Collie]

Yes. Then sometimes. Yeah.

[Host]

It's medical.

[Fiona Collie]

It is.

[Host]

We can justify it.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. I think the medical industry would be proud of me.

[Host]

Do you like gummies?

[Fiona Collie]

No. It does take too long.

[Host]

Whoa. You're doing the wrong ones.

[Fiona Collie]

Wait. Wow. Quicker.

[Host]

I mean, I'm not taking gummies anymore.

[Fiona Collie]

Why?

[Host]

I don't need my child to come out dumb.

[Fiona Collie]

You don't want your kid to come out? Chill as fuck.

[Host]

Yeah, he's gonna come out. What's up, Mom?

[Fiona Collie]

It's pretty dope.

[Host]

Where's the ocean?

[Fiona Collie]

No, just put me in the direction of the waves. Yeah.

[Host]

Nope. I need him to be, like, on it so we can get him doing house chores as soon as possible.

[Fiona Collie]

I like that.

[Host]

You know, I need a little best.

[Fiona Collie]

I didn't think I wanted kids until right now.

[Host]

Well, think long and hard before you go through it, because it's my kid.

[Fiona Collie]

Just comes out in a fucking wheelchair.

[Host]

Have you seen wheelchair Barbie?

[Fiona Collie]

Yes, everyone tags me in it.

[Host]

No.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Host]

I had a friend of mine made me a cake and she put a wheelchair Barbie on There. And she was just like, I feel like this is very you. And I was like, what does that mean? I don't know. We're not really friends anymore.

[Fiona Collie]

That tracks.

[Host]

I thought it was so weird. I was like, why?

[Fiona Collie]

I want to read into this, but I'm scared.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

It wasn't the hottest birthday ever.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Which one was? You saying you were old?

[Host]

I don't know. I think so. I think it was like, you can.

[Fiona Collie]

Be young and hot and in a wheelchair. I promise.

[Host]

I know I'm looking at it.

[Fiona Collie]

Queen.

[Host]

But the. See, when you say queen, it actually sounds better. I feel like when guys say it, it's just.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, there's something weird.

[Host]

Yeah. Thank you. I felt weird that I was calling it out and the other person didn't think it was weird. I was like, I feel like when a girl calls another girl queen, I'm like, I take so much compliment for real.

[Fiona Collie]

Men say it, it's probably because they forgot your name or something.

[Host]

Yeah. It can be kind of condescending. Okay, queen.

[Fiona Collie]

Might as well say, sweetheart, what are we doing? Like, it's like the Gen Z. I'm.

[Host]

Not going around being like, okay, pencil dick.

[Fiona Collie]

You know, you should.

[Host]

Yeah, I love that. The next time a guy calls us queen, let's say, okay, pencil dick.

[Fiona Collie]

Give it up for pencil dick.

[Host]

Yeah. See how they like it? Short king. You know, Short king.

[Fiona Collie]

My.

[Host]

I don't know.

[Fiona Collie]

Is one of those.

[Host]

Let's see. What do you value most in life?

[Fiona Collie]

I used to say my health, but.

[Host]

Now it's your cup holder.

[Fiona Collie]

This thing changed my life. What I value most in, like.

[Host]

Yeah, it's a. It's a. Like a deep question.

[Fiona Collie]

As a concept or as, like, an object?

[Host]

Wow. I didn't expect you to turn that around on me.

[Fiona Collie]

I went to art schools.

[Host]

You're like, how deep are we getting value? I guess we won't do objects. We'll just do, like, in, like.

[Fiona Collie]

Okay. I think, like, love, I guess. Relationship.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

That's sweet. Being able to, like, build on to things with someone.

[Host]

Are you good at relationships?

[Fiona Collie]

Historically, no, but I am crushing this one. Yeah.

[Host]

What makes this one different?

[Fiona Collie]

I gripple. But, you know, he. He's like nine years older than me, so he already came in with, like, a good amount of maturity that I was, like, still trying to work towards, I guess, and I didn't even know it.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

But I was single for a minute because it's. Dating and being disabled is really hard because it's like you have, like, three different options. Generally, it's the dude who wants to fuck you because you're disabled.

[Host]

That's a fetish.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, I know. It's the guy who loves to be seen in public with you because they think it's, like, makes them look good to other people. They're like virtue signaling by existing with you.

[Host]

Okay.

[Fiona Collie]

And then there's the guy who thinks you're hot, but if you bring up your disability, gets freaked out. Mm.

[Host]

Like, he.

[Fiona Collie]

He fucking hates it. I dated one of those guys for, like, three years, and anytime and I was walking with a cane at this point, I do. We got in a fight at dinner one time, and we were parked down a hill, and I was like, a Weeble wobble. I could barely do it, but I was, like, holding onto his arm, had my cane in other hand, and we're, like, arguing and walking in the car, and he, like, let go of my arm and was like, well, good luck getting back to the car. And, like, walked off without me, and I, like, had to sit down on the street.

[Host]

Oh, my gosh.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Men are fun.

[Host]

And how did we get back at him for that?

[Fiona Collie]

Well, I kept dating him. Cheated on me with a minor. Yeah. Like an underage person. Not underground.

[Host]

Not a. Not in the mines.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. That was chill. As he was a chef, so. You know how they are. I don't trust chef.

[Host]

You know, it's just. That's not like, a hot place to cook, you know?

[Fiona Collie]

No, no. And they're all fucking. The host just is. As long as I go. That's real sad. The coke problem. The host, like.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

It was all things.

[Host]

They all have coke problems. That's so weird.

[Fiona Collie]

Like, have they heard of Adderall? Like, what are we doing?

[Host]

Yeah, you can do it without the fentanyl.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. So that was a fun phase of my life. I really only got out of that because I fell in love with comedy.

[Host]

Yeah. You know, and then he couldn't handle it anymore.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. He. I told him I wanted to start trying to go to, like, open mics, and he told me not to do it because he was scared I would talk about him, which I do.

[Host]

As you should.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. That's my favorite. I love that. But, yeah, we broke up after that. At some point, he, like, cheated on me or something, and I didn't do comedy for a long time, but eventually I did, and I was like, mom tries to reach out to me, and.

[Host]

I'm like, oh, my gosh. Ew.

[Fiona Collie]

It's fun.

[Host]

Yeah. That's odd. I dated a guy in the restaurant industry. Who also cheated on me with the hostess. And then recently he sent me an article in my DMs and the article said, did you know that Lauren Compton's ex husband and then like shouted out his name, cheated on her with a co worker. And the whole article, because I talk about him a lot in my stand up about how he cheated on me and like, you know, she had Bell's palsy and so he like went that like.

[Fiona Collie]

Wait, what?

[Host]

Yeah, like half her face was paralyzed.

[Fiona Collie]

He. Yeah. Okay, okay.

[Host]

There's a lot to unpack there, you know.

[Fiona Collie]

Andrew.

[Host]

Yeah, it was a half assed blowjob, I'm sure.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh.

[Host]

But I talk about it a lot and he was so embarrassed and he's like, oh my God, I'm gonna be single forever. And I'm like, I hope. Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

The hostess thing is so insane. It's like the cliche of like the husband cheating with the secretary or the nanny.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Couldn't get a job that a secretary, so they did hostess.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

You know what I mean?

[Host]

Yeah. The secretary's next.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

When they get a little older and they go to college, they'll become a secretary. That's like a direct to shoo in.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

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[Fiona Collie]

Girl, I can't sneak out of anywhere. I beep so much. No, I think that's. Honestly, I think all this has probably played like a very big part. Like, I am a painfully direct person and I think it's out of necessity. Like, I can't be like, oh, I'm gonna climb out the bathroom window like that. Not. Not an option.

[Host]

Yeah. Do you what is your personal red flag? Like, what do you do that you think is a red flag in a relationship?

[Fiona Collie]

I don't wear socks ever. I'm wearing them right now, actually. I was scared. You make me deck my shoes off.

[Host]

Or I wouldn't make you take your shoes off.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, no.

[Host]

I wouldn't want to take my shoes off either, but no.

[Fiona Collie]

A red flag mine.

[Host]

Do you have anger issues? Do you drink too much?

[Fiona Collie]

I probably drink a little too much. That's a good point. I'm Irish.

[Host]

I'm not trying to make points.

[Fiona Collie]

No, you're right.

[Host]

Am I? So tell me about your alcoholism.

[Fiona Collie]

Like, do we start with my dad or. No, that. Well, that was, like, the getting with Matt. I've, like, pulled back a lot. I partied too much. But I. As I get older and more disabled, that's, like, harder for me to negotiate with myself, like, for it making sense. But I do like to drink.

[Host]

What do you like to drink?

[Fiona Collie]

Vodka soda.

[Host]

Vodka soda. Okay.

[Fiona Collie]

Low calories.

[Host]

That is low calories.

[Fiona Collie]

Skinny girl drink.

[Host]

Yeah. You are really skinny, though. You're in great shape.

[Fiona Collie]

Thank you. I don't eat that much.

[Host]

Why not?

[Fiona Collie]

Because I. Well, I'm lazy. I can't. Like, making food is so hard. And then put yourself in a wheelchair and your hands don't really work. Like, I'm good.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. So I have a leg, not a huge appetite. I'm not in good shape. I'm just, like, dying.

[Host]

You look like you're in good shape, though.

[Fiona Collie]

Thank you.

[Host]

You have beautiful long hair. You have big boobs, thin arms, skinny legs. Like, you're in great shape.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

[Host]

I'm just hitting on you at this point. Yeah, just have it on, Lou.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. I'm like, I need. That's my bedtime routine.

[Host]

I'll be your voice of affirmations. I should make a little playlist.

[Fiona Collie]

Wait, I love that idea. It was perfect. Instead of sleeping, the rain sounds. I'm falling asleep to that.

[Host]

Do you get jealous easily?

[Fiona Collie]

No, not unless. Oh, my God, dude. Unless it's another girl in a wheelchair. And I know that's crazy, but I'm so fucking deadass about this. So Matt, my boyfriend, he, like, when he is available, he'll come feature for me. And it's been so fucking cool as I'm, like, selling tickets and blah, blah, blah. There are a lot of disabled people that come to my show, and I love that. Like, that's huge for me. And for some fucking reason, every woman with my disease is very attractive. And I'm not, like, being, like, man. It's true. Okay? And this girl, very hot, in a wheelchair. Okay. And Matt, like, at the show, had to carry me up on stage and put me in a chair. And everyone, like, knows who he is in my world. If they like me, they're aware of him. He is a wet dream to disabled women. He. He didn't ask for this life, but he has a dude. They're always like, where? Do you have any brothers, Matt? Like, they'll ask him to pick them up like it is. Wow. I will slash her tires. I'm not bothered. It's been goofy, as though, you know?

[Host]

Yeah. Well, I feel like we could put a little, like, thing of nos on your wheelchair and make yours faster than everybody else's. We could find ways to one up those hoes.

[Fiona Collie]

Turbo.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Get, like, one of those. I'm thinking, did you ever watch Inspector Gadget?

[Host]

A long time ago.

[Fiona Collie]

Same. Everything about that was popping in my head.

[Host]

Yeah. I don't know why, but I want to trick it out so bad.

[Fiona Collie]

I think I'd be fun. I want to, like, cover it and. But it breaks so much. I have to get, like, a new wheelchair every six months. Really sucks because they're like, I asked why it breaks so much, and they literally said, but you're using it too much. My bad. My bad, dude. You know, a good point.

[Host]

How's the trade in value as it.

[Fiona Collie]

Goes in the garbage?

[Host]

What? Yeah, that's not very fair.

[Fiona Collie]

That's why I got a company. I can't afford all these wheelchairs.

[Host]

Yeah, well, let's tweet at Elon Musk and see if we can.

[Fiona Collie]

You know, I mean, I'll. You know, he needs the advertising.

[Host]

For sure. He could. I mean, with all the. In the energy that he's utilizing. Well, I'm sure that we could.

[Fiona Collie]

I both don't know anything. I'm like, yes, girl.

[Host]

I like, yeah, Elon can figure it out.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, that's my boy. My pencil.

[Host]

We'll tweet at him. Two queens just trying to tweet at Elon. Do you know the names of everyone you've slept with?

[Fiona Collie]

No.

[Host]

Damn, Lizn.

[Fiona Collie]

I know.

[Host]

I probably couldn't recount mine either, to be honest.

[Fiona Collie]

I'm bad with names. Okay. We covered that.

[Host]

We did. We know.

[Fiona Collie]

Also, Okay. I was a virgin for a good amount of time. I, like, waited. Well, okay, so my high school boyfriend, I dated him for three years from 15 to 18.

[Host]

Okay.

[Fiona Collie]

He was 10 years older than me, which is a crime. Yes. And so I was like, yeah, I want to lose my virginity to you, but I don't want it to be a crime, you know? So we waited to, like, have sex until I was 18. He's. That was creepy and not okay. Now that I'm older, I'm like, wait, what the was that? You know, so we waited, yada, yada. I got diagnosed 18. And when I was diagnosed, they. It's a really grim fucking diagnosis. They were like, you know, you have two years left to be able to walk and talk and see and hear like it's all going the. Like, I'm Helen Keller, but worse amount. And I was like, fuck. And so I broke up with the. And I went to college and just started, like, fucking everyone because I was like, no one's gonna want to have sex with me ever again. So I was really slutty for two years and I racked up some points there.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Not great. I'm not proud of it, but it is true.

[Host]

Yeah. We made up for lost time.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

You were thinking ahead.

[Fiona Collie]

I was.

[Host]

You know I was. Where did you go to college?

[Fiona Collie]

UT Chattanooga.

[Host]

Oh, yeah. Were there hot guys there?

[Fiona Collie]

No.

[Host]

So you really just bottom of the barrel?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Yeah, I got. The drinking helped. No, they're okay. It was a lot of, like, granola kind of dudes. And I'm not really a hiker, so it was hard to connect, you know?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

I feel that. You said you were into sports. You were an athlete when you were younger. What? What sports?

[Fiona Collie]

Sports. Soccer and volleyball were my big ones.

[Host]

Yeah, I never did the ball sports.

[Fiona Collie]

Cross country.

[Host]

I was a gymnast.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh.

[Host]

I like to be flexible. Slip around.

[Fiona Collie]

I love that for you.

[Host]

Then I fell and I broke my knee a few times.

[Fiona Collie]

No.

[Host]

Yeah, it wasn't that fun. But, you know, the doctor was like, it's better your knee than your neck, actually.

[Fiona Collie]

That's what I was thinking also. But we could have been twins.

[Host]

Yeah, we could have been Twinkies.

[Fiona Collie]

At Twinkies, we would have been like special needs Powerpuff Girls.

[Host]

Queens.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, Queens. Special needs Queens. That's crazy.

[Host]

I'm gonna ask you some questions on my tasting menu. So it's like a this or that thing. So you just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind. Do you like your hair more up or down?

[Fiona Collie]

Down.

[Host]

Favorite car? Favorite wheelchair?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Ford's mic.

[Host]

Are you an Alpha or a Beta?

[Fiona Collie]

I'm an alpha.

[Host]

Yeah. Yeah, you gotta say that stronger.

[Fiona Collie]

I'm an Alpha.

[Host]

There you go. Deep dish or thin crust pizza?

[Fiona Collie]

Deep dish.

[Host]

You know, I go back and forth.

[Fiona Collie]

I know it depends.

[Host]

It's hard.

[Fiona Collie]

Like, where are we? Right.

[Host]

How much bread do I want?

[Fiona Collie]

Right.

[Host]

Do I want flavor, really, or, like the bread?

[Fiona Collie]

How sad am I? How many times have I cried today? How many napkins are available? There are a lot of, like, things. Are we ranch? Okay.

[Host]

Ranch is huge. I'm always sad when I go and I get pizza and they're like, oh, no, we don't have ranch.

[Fiona Collie]

I'm like, you might as well throw away the beef.

[Host]

We're in America. America. Okay. You don't have to pretend to be Italian. Like, right? We all, we drink ranch here. What is your favorite position?

[Fiona Collie]

Missionary. There. I don't have a lot of options.

[Host]

Right.

[Fiona Collie]

You learn to love it.

[Host]

What an answer. That's my favorite one so far. You learn to love it. Oh, man. Missionary is also my boyfriend's favorite position. No, no. What's the one when you're on your back?

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, yeah. Wait, when you're.

[Host]

When the person is on their back, is that still considered missionary?

[Fiona Collie]

You mean on your belly?

[Host]

No, missionary is when the guy's on top, right?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Host]

So what? What would it be called when you're on your back? Do you see what I'm saying? Because if missionary is your favorite, that means you like to be on top, right?

[Fiona Collie]

No, no, no, no. That's so fucking goofy.

[Host]

It's the opposite.

[Fiona Collie]

Missionary is like, girl gets to starfish.

[Host]

And the guy's on top, he's just.

[Fiona Collie]

Doing all the work.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

And then you on top, it's like camera, like us.

[Host]

And then reverse. And then there's reverse. Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

You on the bottom.

[Host]

Yeah. So that is my boyfriend's favorite position. He likes to lay there. Do you believe in ghosts or aliens? Either or. Neither.

[Fiona Collie]

Aliens more.

[Host]

Yeah. Coffee or tea drinker?

[Fiona Collie]

Coffee.

[Host]

What kind of coffee?

[Fiona Collie]

Blood?

[Host]

No. Cream?

[Fiona Collie]

No. Okay. Spills stuff too much. I can't. So you'll learn to love it. It really is part of my thing. I love black coffee.

[Host]

Yeah. When you make a special, it should be. You learn to love it.

[Fiona Collie]

Why did I love that?

[Host]

I feel like that's a good slogan.

[Fiona Collie]

I think that's fantastic. That's memorable.

[Host]

Learn to love it.

[Fiona Collie]

Learn to love it.

[Host]

Star wars or Harry Potter?

[Fiona Collie]

Harry Potter.

[Host]

LA or New York?

[Fiona Collie]

I've never been to New York. Dude, they love stairs there.

[Host]

They do. Everyone says it's so walkable.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Okay.

[Host]

Goldfish. At what?

[Fiona Collie]

I want to go.

[Host]

But it's a fun city. Yeah, but they do have a lot of like walk ups. But you're not going to be searching for an apartment.

[Fiona Collie]

I just need to go there when I'm rich enough to like Uber everywhere and not worry about and then like hire and. What's that guy in Game of Thrones?

[Host]

Hodor oh, yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

I need to hire one of those.

[Host]

Okay, yeah, that's a good one. You can hire a handler.

[Fiona Collie]

I love that. I could learn to love it.

[Host]

You deserve it.

[Fiona Collie]

You're right. Work too damn hard. I'm sorry. I have the Zoomies really bad right now.

[Host]

The Zoomies? Please tell me that you actually get the Zoomies in that and you just want to, like, race across.

[Fiona Collie]

I swear to God, dude. The funniest shit. I'm sorry. I'm going off track right now.

[Host]

No.

[Fiona Collie]

Okay. So I was in Fort Worth by myself for the night before, before the show, and I had the Zoomies real bad. So I wanted to go outside and just whip my around, you know what I mean? I'm wearing like a baseball cap in my pajamas. I don't know. And I'm going around, this guy comes up to me and he goes, hey, great costume. I was like, what are you talking about? And he goes, oh, my God, you're piano Collie. And I was like, huh? He thought I was someone dressed as me for Halloween. No, because I was wearing a wig.

[Host]

Dude, what a compliment.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Or.

[Host]

Or you just looked like a really scary, bad version of yourself that day.

[Fiona Collie]

What the. Fuck me with that makeup is like a Halloween guy costume. That's crazy. It is a compliment, though. It's just so weird.

[Host]

I was like, okay, unexpected blindsided you. Here you are just having the time of your life with the Zoomies.

[Fiona Collie]

Stop me in my tracks if you will.

[Host]

Serious. Do you like sweet or savory things?

[Fiona Collie]

Savory.

[Host]

Leather or lace?

[Fiona Collie]

Leather.

[Host]

Get it? Do we have a whip too?

[Fiona Collie]

Ah, if that'd be more dangerous in my hands than I. I don't think legally I'm allowed to have a whip. Okay.

[Host]

Let me see two more. Do you. Would you prefer a guy to have a mohawk or a mullet?

[Fiona Collie]

Mullet.

[Host]

There's something about mullets right now.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, they're really hot. It's like a mustache.

[Host]

Best music to have sex. Excuse me, I have hiccups. Best music to have sex to.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, man. You know, I recently it was Charlie xcx. Xcx. You know what I'm talking about?

[Host]

I know of the name.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, one of the. It's just whatever the comes on. Honestly, we mostly do rain sounds because we're gonna being too honest right now.

[Host]

I love it.

[Fiona Collie]

I can see it now. And I'm sorry.

[Host]

I love it. What is the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for you?

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, okay. So Matt, my current boyfriend, he. I was at a tambour shows and came back and we lived together. And he was like, hey, I got a surprise for you. And I thought it'd be something stupid like flowers or something. And he come in the house and he was like, go look in the room. And the way our room is, it's real small, so the bed is in the middle of the wall, so we both have a small walkway. But, like, obviously I can't walk, so I had to park my chair at the end and struggle to get in. He had installed grab bars all along my side of the bed so I could get in and out by myself.

[Host]

That is really sweet.

[Fiona Collie]

I know. It made me fucking cry. And they're gold. They, like, match the, like. He did it all.

[Host]

Oh.

[Fiona Collie]

It was very thoughtful.

[Host]

That is really sweet. Did he get laid that night?

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, yeah. He got his dick suck first. That's like the effort you got. You know what I mean? When you're Bella princess.

[Host]

Oh, my God. It's been so fun having you on this show.

[Fiona Collie]

So fun. Thank you for having me.

[Host]

Yeah. Thank you for coming. Coming on. Where can people find you on Instagram?

[Fiona Collie]

Fiona Collie on Instagram. And then my website is fionacoli.com.

[Host]

Cool. Well, go follow her. This was great, dude. I loved it. You have such a good sense of humor. Thank you. You guys have a great day and we'll see you later. First date, Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Just say, ready delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommates.

[Fiona Collie]

First date.