Steph Tolev Is ENGAGED! (Her Dog Made It Happen) | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

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Podcast Summary: First Date with Lauren Compton

Episode: Steph Tolev Is ENGAGED! (Her Dog Made It Happen)
Date: August 4, 2026
Host: Lauren Compton (A)
Guest: Steph Tolev (B)
Studio: YMH Studios

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Overview

This episode of "First Date with Lauren Compton" features standup comedian and podcaster Steph Tolev, who returns for a lively, hilarious, and honest conversation with Lauren. The episode covers everything from Steph’s unique engagement story (involving her late dog), to the realities of childbirth and breastfeeding, the pressures of body image, and navigating career, grief, and wedding planning. Both women riff candidly about marriage, family, female bodies, and what really goes down behind the scenes of their seemingly glamorous lives.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catch-Up & Second Date Banter

• Lauren welcomes Steph back for a "second date," suggesting their dynamic is so good she should be a permanent co-host.
• They kick off with typical Steph/Lauren humor, discussing catching babies at birth, the realities of pregnancy, and personal discomforts with body changes.
  Tone: Playful, irreverent, unfiltered.

“I always feel like I’d be good at delivering. I’ll just catch it, like a football.” – Steph (00:47)

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2. Childbirth Fears and Family Stories

• Steph shares her hesitation around childbirth, relaying horror stories from her sister, including tearing and hemorrhoids, leading her to prefer a C-section.
• Lauren describes her C-section experiences, her husband's inability to handle diaper duty, and the comedic double standards in parenting.

“She said her vagina… it was like, between her knees.” – Steph (03:21)
“Dude, he can’t even change a poopy diaper without almost vomiting everywhere.” – Lauren (04:54)

[00:47–07:11]
Discussion about diaper duty, gender roles, and marital trade-offs (like using the husband’s credit card to “balance out” parenting chores).

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3. Breastfeeding, Body Changes, and Public Perceptions

• Both comedians unpack how pregnancy and motherhood alter your body — from growing feet and areolas to leaking breasts.
• Real talk about public breastfeeding, societal judgments, and why neither want their “free show” broadcast at restaurants.

“Maybe if everybody in the restaurant gave me five bucks.” – Lauren (07:51)
“I just don’t want people seeing, you know, that your areolas grow.” – Steph (08:18)

[07:11–10:13]
Unfiltered, body-positive humor about how women juggle shame and expectation during and after pregnancy.

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4. Engagement Story: Love, Grief, and a Special Dog

• Steph tells the heartfelt, bittersweet story of how her fiancé, Jefferson, proposed while their beloved dog, recently diagnosed with cancer, was still alive.
• The proposal was filmed; Steph gets emotional recounting the incredible timing and the dog’s calm presence.
• Coping with loss: Steph describes her devastation and humorously confesses to public crying and “barfing all over LAX” when her dog passed.

“All I wanted was the dog to be involved… He was waiting for one opening.” – Steph (10:18)
“I watch it like every day and it makes me cry so much.” – Steph (12:06)

[10:18–15:36]
A raw, touching glimpse into vulnerability and how pets play a role in life’s biggest moments.

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5. Food as a Love Language

• Both women swap stories about gluttonous “celebratory” dinners and the realities of eating for comfort, pleasure, and emotional survival.
• Lauren reveals she met her husband at his Austin barbecue restaurant Terry Black’s; Steph jokes about “balls soaked in tallow.”

“His balls are soaked in tallow. We’ve been selling it…” – Steph (20:59)

[19:24–22:07]
They muse about diets, body work (coolsculpting), and what’s “good for you” — poking fun at beauty standards and self-improvement pain.

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6. Realities of Breastfeeding and Weaning

• Lauren shares her methodical approach to weaning off breastfeeding to prevent mastitis, revealing the challenges and occasional emergencies of motherhood.
• Steph marvels at the complexity, humorously affirming her choice to remain child-free.
• They compare breast pads to “tampons for your boobs.”

[23:59–26:29]
Candid, practical advice mixed with self-deprecating humor.

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7. Fertility, Motherhood Choices, and Life Priorities

• Steph, 41, reflects on not becoming a mother and the importance of only having kids if you really want them.
• Lauren reassures Steph she'd be a great mom, but Steph counters with her chronic backaches, career demands, and current happiness.

“Jefferson’s been shooting inside me since we met… Something would have happened by now.” – Steph (26:13)

[26:11–27:12]
Conversation about ownership over reproductive choices—no pressure, no shame.

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8. Comedy Career & The Netflix Special Frustration

• Steph vents about how fans still ask “when are you getting a special?” even though her Netflix special has been out for a year.
• Discussion about how hard it is for women to break through to “Top 10” on Netflix, her hopes for another special, and the grind of touring and creating new hours.
• Plug for her appearance in "Tires" and her YouTube channel.

“I have one. It’s on Netflix. Came out one year ago!” – Steph (27:19)
“Netflix, just give me another goddamn special, I’d like to beg.” – Steph (29:43)

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9. Wedding Planning: Keeping it Real

• Steph’s wedding will be in upstate New York — boho, low-key, heavy on the charcuterie, no “stupid butterfly release,” small bridal party, and definitely not over-the-top.
• Lauren hasn't had a wedding despite two kids; she’s waiting for her “comeback era.”
• Both critique common wedding clichés and insist on authenticity over spectacle.

“I wanted it like, you know, we want to upstate New York, like Syracuse area. ... I have some really stupid tattoos on my back that I need to cover up.” – Steph (31:25)
“That butterfly thing… it’s inhumane!” – Steph (33:33)

[30:20–36:54]

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10. The Real Cost of Adulthood: Houses, Bills, and Stress

• Steph and her fiancé recently bought a house in Silver Lake, LA — she laments over never-ending dog chemo bills and the pressure of homeownership.
• Wedding expenses and who pays (“bride’s side,” “honeymoon over wedding!”) are debated.

[35:54–37:16]

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11. Honeymoon Dreams: Greece, Bulgaria, and Avoiding Crowds

• Steph wants to honeymoon in Greece, possibly Bulgaria (her family’s homeland), and preferably somewhere quiet, with good food and wine.
• Lauren shares her favorite Greek destinations and recommends Santorini for peace and quiet (if you don’t want crowds).

[37:12–40:28]

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12. Sports and Celebrity Anatomy

• Lauren recounts recent sports experiences (Derby, NBA Finals, World Cup with Ronaldo).
• Both riff on tall athletes, penis size rumors, and men’s exaggerations—Steph keeps it real on dating, expectations, and curiosity.

[41:06–44:24]

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13. Practical Humor: Bodies, Pregnancy, and C-Sections

• The conversation loops back to body changes during pregnancy, C-section recovery, scars, hospital stays, and health anxieties.
• Both weigh the pros and cons of medical interventions (catheters = “that’s it for me!”), the pain vs numbness of modern medicine, and the visible/unseen scars of motherhood.

[44:25–55:20]

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14. Grief, Love, and Humor

• Steph candidly shares how the grief of losing her dog has affected her, sometimes even more than losing people.
• Lauren validates this, reflecting on how deeply we bond with animals.
• Episode ends on a note of camaraderie, laughter, and gratitude for real talk and friendship.

“This is grief. This is what happens when you love something. I’ve never cried like this over a person, though, which is scaring me.” – Steph (55:56)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Diaper Duty:
  “He said that his mother had nine kids, that his dad never changed one diaper. And then I brought this up, and Jefferson was like, yeah, same. ... I go, then we’re not having a kid. I’m not changing all these diapers.” – Steph (05:38)
• Engagement Story:
  “He pretended to do a video for his sister’s birthday... Susan comes over and sits right down. ... And then I was so distracted, because our neighbor... was like, cutting meatballs. ... Susan was... looking at both of us back and forth. It was so cute.” – Steph (11:37–13:29)
• CoolSculpting Pain:
  “It is a pain that I actually can’t explain.” – Steph (21:39)
• Career Frustration:
  “If you want to piss me off online, here’s exactly how the fuck you piss me off: You say, girl, you need a special… I have one. It’s on Netflix!” – Steph (27:19)
• On Wedding Traditions:
  “I don't want anything like... weird like that. ... That butterfly thing... it's inhumane!” – Steph (33:35)

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Suggested Timestamps for Key Segments

• Pregnancy, Childbirth & Parenthood: 00:43–10:13
• Engagement Story & Grief: 10:18–15:36
• Body Image & Procedures: 20:25–23:17
• Breastfeeding Realities: 23:59–26:29
• Comedy Career Insight: 27:19–29:49
• Wedding Planning & Traditions: 30:20–36:54
• Travel, Honeymoon, Bulgaria: 37:12–40:28
• Sports & Anatomy Jokes: 41:06–44:24
• C-section, Catheters, Motherhood: 52:23–55:20
• Grief & Closing Thoughts: 55:34–56:09

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Final Notes

• Steph’s podcast: "Steph Infection" is on YMH Studios.
• Lauren’s major update: About to have her second child—juggling pregnancy, career, and wild stories with ease and humor.
• Both hosts keep it funny, honest, and down-to-earth, breaking taboos and making even the rawest realities hilarious.

Listen if you want:

• Unfiltered comedy
• Real talk on bodies/parenting/grief
• Tips on weddings, travel, and career hustle
• Laugh-out-loud, snort-worthy female banter

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Find Steph:

• Netflix: “Filth Queen” special
• Podcast: “Steph Infection,” YMH Studios
• YouTube: [Steph Tolev channel]

Find Lauren:

• “First Date with Lauren Compton,” YMH Studios

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Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First date, baby. First date.

[B]

I can't wait. First date.

[A]

What's up, you guys? Welcome to another episode of First Date. I have one of my favorites back for a second date. You've probably seen her Netflix special special called Filth Queen, or you have listened to her podcast, which now here at ymh, it's called Steph Infection. Give it up for Steph Tolep.

[B]

It's me. It's our second date. It's technically our second date.

[A]

I know. You should just be my permanent date.

[B]

Aw. And then I just. I kind of, like, secretly want you to pop today. I always feel like I'd be good at delivering.

[A]

How would you do it? Would you just catch it like a football?

[B]

No, I'll catch it. When people say that I'm down there, I'm like, I'm not gonna like what's

[A]

happening, but it's slippery.

[B]

I know. You need. You need, like, a nice workman's glove.

[A]

Yeah. You're gonna have to, like, like a nice. Be a good catcher.

[B]

Oh, no, no. I'll. I'll. My whole body. You just need me catch a football. I don't just use my hands. I. I'm doing this. I'm grabbing the child. Like, you're scaring me of how. How close you are.

[A]

I know. I'm so close. I'm so happy that I'm so close.

[B]

Because you're so positive and happy for how close you are. Usually at this point, women are like, get it out. They're, like, losing their minds, like, angry, and.

[A]

Well, I'm not angry, but I'm. I'm so excited to get this thing out of me.

[B]

It's. That's sounds exactly the way you said. That is why I'm never having a child. Get this thing out of me.

[A]

It. It feels like I. At some point, it'll start moving, and I'll tell you to see it. And it looks, like, alien where it moves from, just like. And you can see all the.

[B]

It's crazy, but we were saying before, like, this is the one time you can wear, like, a tight shirt or, like, a tight dress and have a huge stomach and, like. No, that's it. Oh, no. I say fuck all.

[A]

My favorite part about having a huge belly is that I can truly eat a lot. And you know how, like, sometimes you feel like you have to kind of, like, sort of suck in?

[B]

Just like I'm doing right now. I actually can't breathe. I'm sucking in in a way that's not normal. I. I miss packs this. This trip, and I can't breathe. I literally. I'm like, I had to go buy this shirt because I knew that on this podcast specifically, you can see your torso. And I'm like, well, I can't have the lumps. So I'm like, I am. I have. I am not feeling good right now. This is. This is why my sister is super pregnant as well.

[A]

How far along is.

[B]

She looks way bigger than you. And she's got two, three more months.

[A]

Is it her first one?

[B]

No, her second. But it's big as fuck. It's like. Yeah, she's.

[A]

I feel like this is pretty large.

[B]

She's bigger than that. And she's not due till September 20th. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's gonna be a big, big child. Cause you were like. You were saying it was gonna be 9, 10.

[A]

9, 10 pounds.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, it's a lot, girl. It's too much. It's too much coming out. The coming out is. Did your husband watch?

[A]

So with a C section, they put up like a blindfold.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then he sits on this side, and then they just take all your insides out on the other side.

[B]

I'm really into the C section.

[A]

Like, that's your preferred method, I think.

[B]

Well, after my sister had hers, she said her vagina. At one point, she went to, like, wipe after she went to the bathroom, and she said it was like, between her knees. And I was like, I don't understand what you're saying right now. That makes no sense to me. And then her. It ripped sideways, so she. And she said, hemorrhoids. My sister's torn to shreds. No, she.

[A]

You're really amping up right now.

[B]

She likes to talk about it. She's. She doesn't. But she doesn't give a fuck. She's not even in social media. I made her put her account on private so you can't find. You fucking pigs. But she. Her explaining it to me. I was like, you gotta have a cesarean the next time. It's too much. You done the natural once. Also the way you say, obviously, they put them out. I always put your two on like, a damp paper towel. I know they're not doing that, the organs. I feel like it's like.

[A]

I feel like it's in a. I envision like a metal bowl.

[B]

One bowl. They all share the same thing.

[A]

Maybe different bowls. Like, I see like a mad scientist.

[B]

Different bowls. Everything's. They're just stirring around the room. That's crazy. Like those big bowls that you make salads.

[A]

Do you remember, like, Young Frankenstein, the movie?

[B]

I never saw it, but I can picture exactly what you're trying to explain right now.

[A]

There's, like. There's comic movies where they're, like, doing surgeries. They're, like, pulling out the intestine. That's just, like, going like this. That's what I imagine is going on back there.

[B]

Like a circus.

[A]

Yeah. So at least I'm imagining something way worse than what's really going on.

[B]

But okay, is your husband. He doesn't watch that the. The part.

[A]

Dude, he can't even change a poopy diaper without, like, almost vomiting everywhere.

[B]

He better be changing those fucking diapers. He is, right?

[A]

He. He changed maybe 10. Maybe 10, maybe.

[B]

No, this is okay. My fiance. Excuse me. Also seeing your. Also Also seeing your ring, I was like, ooh, Jefferson needs to get.

[A]

I was like, that's a big rock. Ah, there's just a lot of money in barbecue.

[B]

I'll keep mine down here. I love it.

[A]

Yours is beautiful.

[B]

No, it is beautiful, but you can

[A]

actually wear yours every day. I only wear mine. Mine's like costume jewelry.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

I wear this only when I go out.

[B]

Jefferson really needs to get in a barbecue. Are you guys hiring? That's crazy. But he. Jefferson is the oldest of nine. He said that his mother had nine kids, that his dad never changed one diaper. And then I brought this up, and Jefferson was like, yeah, same. I'm not gonna change a diaper. I go, then we're not having a kid. I'm not changing all these diapers.

[A]

It's a lot of diapers.

[B]

There's so much shit. All I do is shit. That's all babies do is shit.

[A]

They do.

[B]

They eat and. Yeah, they're.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you're changing every diaper. It's not happening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, that's absurd.

[A]

It's crazy town.

[B]

And he's cutting open pigs. He's a barbecue man. He's seeing worse stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Raw meat. That's. That's worse than shit.

[A]

I feel like he's amplifying it to make it, like, a bigger deal than it is. I don't think so. He's like, oh, maybe if I overreact that I'm going to, like, die. If I change this diaper, I don't have to do it anymore.

[B]

Unbelievable. Unbelievable behavior.

[A]

It's wild, right? But don't worry. I swipe the credit card every time I think about it.

[B]

That kind of balances out you're like, it's gonna be something. Because I'm like, nobody wants to change a fucking diaper. Yeah.

[A]

Every time that I complain about it or anything that he does in general, I always remind myself, but I don't pay the bills, and I do have his credit card in my wallet, and I do abuse the.

[B]

Out of me. Okay, well, then. Then you know what? Maybe keep changing those.

[A]

It's sort of at least, like, because you have to have something, like, balances out in yourself, too. And that's what balances it out for me. I'm like, I do need Chanel rain boots.

[B]

Yeah. Because it rains so much here in Austin. Does it ever rain here?

[A]

Actually, it does rain.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

And on those days, I'm definitely not wearing Chanel rain boots to the rain.

[B]

Why would you even order? Because someday I'll go to Aspen that one time. You go to Aspen and I'll wear those boots. Aston, I can't talk right now. Aston. Okay. Do you. When you breastfeed, are you a public breastfeeder? No. Something ticked today? Some girls, like, trying to, like, sue this. This person because they kicked her out of this restaurant because they said her tits were out for too long. And I was like, it's too.

[A]

It's a free show. I'm not into free shows.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Maybe if everybody in the restaurant gave me five bucks.

[B]

I'm not. I'm not saying don't do it. I mean, do I, like, you don't have to look. That's what gets me. It's like, well, why are you looking? You know what I mean? Like, you're staring.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's a free show.

[B]

So it's like, if you're offended by it, look away.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Makes no sense.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just feel like my tits are already. I don't like the way they look, so I know they get all weirder and, like, sucked out with the milk. I'm like, I just don't want people

[A]

seeing, you know, that your areolas grow.

[B]

I know. I heard. When I know you're looking at me like, because you already think that I have big ones. That's the way I feel. Like you. Yes, you did. And I shockingly, have small ones. And I say it all the time. I know you looked at me thinking, like, whoa, you're going to be just areola if you ever have kids. No, I actually would like that. But I saw my friend, she FaceTimed me when she was breastfeeding, and I was like, it was 90% areola. Yeah, it's crazy. Just keeps going up there.

[A]

It's crazy. And your feet grow.

[B]

Well then I'll be a fucking. I'll be a clown. I already have nine and a half feet. I'm just going to be all areola. Fucking clown man. Oh my God, I'm Sideshow Bob. If I fucking have a baby. Why do they grow?

[A]

Because you have all this relaxin in your body. Your body's getting ready to spread itself apart to give birth. So the relaxin doesn't just choose your hips, it goes throughout your whole body. So all your ligaments stretch, your tendons stretch and everything. And so the tendons in your toes and in your feet, they stretch and they don't go back.

[B]

See, that's. But that's okay. So you still have that. That's what I'm think. When people have the. Does the hole ever go back fully?

[A]

Well, I don't know. I didn't give birth naturally, but I'm

[B]

like, have you talked to people about. I feel like after rips like that also I wouldn't care for like their pleasure. I know that they ass. It's my own personal hole.

[A]

Some procedures that you can have where they have like this thing that looks like a dildo and it gets really warm and they stick it up you. And they do this in an ob GYN office or like any plastic surgery office, but it tightens your vagina.

[B]

People go and get that for their husband's pleasure.

[A]

I can't remember people's problem.

[B]

You insane? I only do it because I don't want to wear super plus tampons. That's all. Nothing to do with my fiance. I don't give a shit. That's insane.

[A]

I know that there's that.

[B]

That's crazy. If anybody ever was like, your holes are loose, I would punch them square in the head.

[A]

That would be an insane person.

[B]

Is it nuts People say it? I'm sure they do.

[A]

Tell me, tell me about your engagement. How did he propose?

[B]

It was very cute. It was. So my dog is dead now. I had to preface this because I was like. All I wanted was the dog to be involved. We knew she was sick. She had. They had given her only max pretty much 6 months to live at the time. I found out in March that she had cancer.

[A]

Did she live the whole six months?

[B]

No, she died March 21st. I found out she died two weeks ago. So. T cell lymphoma. Hahaha. If you guys. You guys should get your Dogs. If you have an overbred dog, you should do yourself a favor and get a ultrasound. That's how I found out there was no symptoms of her cancer. Anyways, I was like, I want her to be alive, and part of this. This. And then I felt like. I was like. Then I felt like I was, like, forcing it, because I'm like, well, now we don't have a lot of time. And the problem is, like, when dogs have cancer, any day is a. Any day, something can happen. So she had been in the vet almost once a week for the last three months. Like, it's been bad. Like, all the cancer would come back, and then she'd have another breathing thing, and then something else would happen. And I tell you, she had this thing called itp. So she had all these things going on. So he was, like, waiting for a fucking one opening.

[A]

One opening.

[B]

So we had one. We were, like, about to go out for dinner. It was, like, one date night. And he's like. He's like, dress up. And I was like, fine. Because usually I slob. I'm like, fine, I'll put on a fucking dress, and I'll do my hair makeup. And then that. Right before he did it, I got a voicemail being like, susan's counts are looking great. She's looking great. We'll see you for her chemo next week. And I was like, okay. And that week, she'd been so good and acting totally normal. I'm like, everything's happy and good. So he pretended to do a video for his sister's birthday. He's like, I'm gonna do a video for her birthday. He said, come over here. So I set the camera up. I'm, like, standing there being stupid. I'm like, happy birthday. I'm like, susan, come in the video. And so Susan comes over and sits right down. And then he's like, okay, I'm doing it. I'm, like, doing what? He's like, here it is. I go, here's what? I was so confused. I was like. And we also just drank a full bottle of wine. So I was like, here's what. I'm like, buzz to high hell. And then he, like, just brought out the box. And I was like, what the heck? And then I was so distracted. Cause our neighbor, who I'd never seen, we just bought this house, and it was in the backyard of our own house. It was very sweet. And our neighbor was, like, eating pasta alone with her back to us, and I just kept seeing her just, like, cutting meatballs. And I was like. It was so dist. For some reason, I don't think I told Jefferson that. I was like, focus up. But Susan was. The video is. So I watch it like every day and it makes me cry so much. My dog usually so over the last, like three months when dogs get cancer, they're on prednisone and they get famished. Like, all they do is eat anything. So she's been eating leaves and sticks non stop. So it's the one time for some reason in the backyard, she just sat right between us. I might cry. And she, like, was looking at both of us back and forth. It was like. It was so cute. Okay, now don't cut this. I don't be crying in the podcast anyways. It was so cute. And she was like, part of it. And. Yeah, and then I know. I'm like, I hate that she died. I hate it. Okay, cut this part out anyways. Yeah, so he.

[A]

That's how he did it. He did it the way you wanted him to do it?

[B]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

And no.

[B]

I got coffee. I'm sure. No. God damn it.

[A]

Did you have any idea?

[B]

No, I. I think I did know. He told me kind of recently that. Kind of hate crying publicly. He told me recently that you're so

[A]

pretty when you cry, though.

[B]

I'm. Oh, my God. No, this is like a light cry. I actually found out I'm a hideous crier. Like, you know that, like. Oh, that, like that poster. Ooh, the thing. That is a. That thing from like the. The Starry Night. That ghost thing. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes, you do. I'm not doing right now. This is like. This is like a small cry. My, like big cries. I weep. I looked in the mirror. I'm like, ooh, I have to stop doing this publicly. It's bad. Is so bad. Also, when the dog died, I was at LAX and I barfed everywhere. Cuz when I landed, they're like, she's in cpr. And I'm like, what? And then I got my bag, went to get my bags. Thank you, American for delaying my flight. I missed my dog dying anyways. I barfed all over LAX and left it. I just barfed. I was like, so up. I was like. Like foam was coming out. I don't know what it was, but I just kept leaving piles of barf. Oh, my God. I know. It was so fucked up. But I was like, I'm not cleaning it. My dog's dead. I don't know what to tell you. And somebody came up. They're like, what's going on over here? And then Jefferson's like, her dog just died. And he's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Cuz I. I was making quite. It was bad. It was very public. But what were we saying? The dog, this. It was very special. It was very emotional. But I'm a very ugly crier. That's what I've realized.

[A]

You're not an ugly crier.

[B]

I. You have no idea. This is not a cry. This is like a. This is a tiny cry. What I've been doing. Weep. But it was very cute. And then that. The restaurant Barbacito. I'll shout them out in la. They're so cute. I called to make a reservation and I was like, before I knew this was happening. And then afterwards I was like, hey. I'm like, can you. I'm like, hey, sorry I'm late. I'm like, just got engaged. Sorry. And she goes, oh, no worries. And she was like, kind of sounded friendly on the phone. I'm like, okay. And I get there. Anyway, she was a fan. So she set up like this really cute table with candles and it like have on ice and stuff. It was so nice. Because he did not plan anything besides just the asking part.

[A]

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[B]

But you kind of like black out when it happens. Like thank God I have the video cuz I don't remember what he was saying cuz I was just like so Susan's head was there and I was just so happy. Their head was there the whole time and then I was just like he said nice things but I remember just being like. And then I I was actually shocked at how well he did with a ring.

[A]

Where did you pick out a diamond? Did y' all go shopping?

[B]

I said I no, I said I just wanted like this shape. Oh that's why he said to me, he goes get your nails done soon. That's what he said. Because my nails are fucking hideous because I bite them and I'm like they're always like so all of these things.

[A]

It didn't give any of it away?

[B]

No, not, not the day of. No. And he had like hidden the ring.

[A]

But like the nails thing, you were like oh no.

[B]

That I knew. But I thought he was gonna wait until maybe at my parents cottage this summer or his family's cottage or something. I thought he was gonna do it more like that. But it was just Very. You could tell that he was like, kind of wanted to get it done. But it was good timing. He did. Very good.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so you went to dinner to celebrate.

[B]

Went to dinner. And then that was it. Then we had. Then we didn't have sex. No, I was. We can't have. We eat. We eat a lot. We're gluttonous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're really gross.

[A]

Love that for you.

[B]

No, it's so bad. That's why I'm sucking in. Still we. No. So we're too full.

[A]

But food is a love language.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

My husband owns a barbecue restaurant.

[B]

Is that how you met him?

[A]

Yeah, I met him there. A mutual friend of mine introduced us and was like, oh, do you want to go to Terry Black's? And I was like, I don't want to wait in line. Does this look like the kind of person that waits in line? And he was like, no, I know someone that works there. And then whenever we went, he was there and introduced us. And I had no idea that he was the owner.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because he was wearing an apron and busting tables. So I met him.

[B]

You're like, who's this peasant?

[A]

And then he sat down and ate with us. And I was like, what are you like.

[B]

You go back and bust.

[A]

I'm like, don't you have work to do?

[B]

I haven't gone yet. Terry Blacks, for sakes.

[A]

You have it.

[B]

No, I've only go to the other week. I can't go today.

[A]

Why?

[B]

So time.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you're busy.

[B]

Good girl. I leave right after. I leave after the second pod.

[A]

Oh, you do?

[B]

I'm in and out like a fiddler's elbow. Yes. And I've made a new rule that I have to run every day for. I'm gonna try running every day for a month for half an hour.

[A]

Well, the good thing about cherry blacks is it's all protein.

[B]

Yeah. But it's slathered in that sauce, and that's the best part.

[A]

But it's tallow.

[B]

It's tallow.

[A]

It's made. It's cooked in tallow.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's good for you.

[B]

Yeah. Jefferson's brother makes tallow, and we've been slathering up our bodies. His balls are soaked in tallow. We've been selling it on the towel

[A]

is really, really good for you.

[B]

It's great. You use it in your body.

[A]

I have been buying makeup lately that has tallow in it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oddly enough, it's good for your skin. Yeah.

[B]

I don't understand what it is. It kind of grosses me out, but

[A]

I think it's just fat.

[B]

So just bring fat in her face. Pretty much cut up my own fucking fat. Put on my head. I've been getting. If you've ever heard of coolsculpting.

[A]

Yeah. Ouch.

[B]

Oh, I'm. I'm filled to the brim over here.

[A]

Have you been doing it?

[B]

Oh, I've been. Oh, I've been doing it.

[A]

It doesn't hurt.

[B]

It is a pain that I actually can't explain.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And this is like, Look, I get it. Women are having babies. That's way worse. That's a different pain, dude. It's nerve pain.

[A]

Cool. Sculpting is one of the most painful things. And they. I went to Laserway and they offered to do it for me for free if they could film me.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And they were. Cause, like, as a.

[B]

It was like a. Like a. Like a new thing they were trying to, like, ever say.

[A]

I guess so. It was many, many years ago. I was still living in la, and they did it on my stomach, and it, like, sucks up and it gets really cold. That's not the part that hurts. The massaging.

[B]

Oh, the massaging. Oh. Oh. So if you. Okay. If you're. If you're at home listening to what coolsculpting is, here's what I will say. It works, but.

[A]

Ow.

[B]

But if you want to spend money, you have to spend money. You can't go do one round when I tell you. My stomach. I've had a gut my whole life. It is gone. It is gone. Right now, I'm just swollen from all the alcohol I've been drinking. I grief alcohol. But once I, like, lose that swelling weight, it'll. It's, like, insane. It's crazy. And I've tried everything. I've tried working the out like crazy. Even when I lost, like, a ton of weight, I still had a little gut, that little fat pouch just sitting there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It is the most pain I've ever felt in my life.

[A]

It was so painful to me that I had them stop the video because I couldn't keep my composure. I was like, I'll pay for this.

[B]

Stop the video. Yeah.

[A]

I was like, I can't. This is not okay.

[B]

It's not. But it, like. And then I guess you, like. I don't really understand the science, but you kind of, like, pee and poo it out.

[A]

I think your body metabolizes it, right?

[B]

Yeah. I just like to think that I'm peeing, pooing. It out. I'm like a baby. I'm like, babies pee.

[A]

Do babies pee?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I guess.

[B]

Mostly.

[A]

And if you have a boy, I'll pee right in your face.

[B]

I don't love that. Is that the stupidest thing ever asked? I know they pee, but I feel like they poo more because they're drinking, like, they're drinking the milk. It's like, it's a combo.

[A]

It's all kind of liquid.

[B]

Change diapers.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Baby's pissed.

[A]

It's like all liquid for the first six months.

[B]

How long do you breastfeed for?

[A]

A year.

[B]

You do a full year?

[A]

I. And then I tried to stop at 12 months, but you can't just like, stop whenever you want.

[B]

You have to squeeze your nips and it stops. You're like, today's the last day, dude.

[A]

I wish you could just put like, paper clips or, or like chip clips on them and like, stop it.

[B]

You'll need chip clips for those areolas, but nuh.

[A]

It doesn't stop.

[B]

How do you wean off then? So just like less and less every day.

[A]

I was. It's. I did one minute less every four to five days. So my pumping schedule was like four to five times a day for 10 minutes each session. So what I would do is when I was with the pumps. Yeah. So then to stop the next week, I would do nine minutes every time. And then the next week I would do eight minutes.

[B]

This is a slow wean.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

And if you don't do it slowly and you try to do it faster, you'll get mastitis where your boobs, like, get super hard.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Oh my gosh.

[B]

And that hurts so bad.

[A]

You can end up in the hospital.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. You can get clogged like milk. Your ducks. Your milk. Ducks get clogged and. And you can't get it out. And it can cause crazy infections because

[B]

it's like rotting milk in there.

[A]

It's bad, dude. So you have. It's a slow wean.

[B]

I'm not having a child. This is like too much and you'll leak. I know the leaking.

[A]

So if you don't. If you don't pump and you're like, oh, I'm gonna skip this round.

[B]

You'll just.

[A]

Your. Your body doesn't stop producing the milk. It just leaks out. I have been in a restaurant before where I'm just soaking wet and I'm like, oh, my God, we have to leave right now.

[B]

Do you have to get like. You have a special bra, right?

[A]

They have, like, these pads that you can put in your bra, but it's like. It's like a. Like a tampon or something. Like, it only holds so much.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can't. That's. It's too much.

[A]

It's a lot. But I don't like telling you all of the, like, bad parts about it. Like, there's so many good things.

[B]

No, I. I'm. Look, it's. It's past my time anyways. I'm fine.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

41.

[A]

It's not past your time.

[B]

I don't. Here's the. Yes, it is. Jefferson's been shooting inside me since we met. I'm not on anything. Something would have happened by now.

[A]

Start taking Metformin.

[B]

No, I'm good. I'm like. It's like, some people really want kids.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's good. And that's. Those are the people who should have children.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you're like me. When you're like, your whole life, you're

[A]

like, you know, you'd be such a good mom, though.

[B]

I would, but I already have, like, a really bad back. My back just gives out all the time. Like, so, like, literally, I'll be home alone, and my back will give out, and I can't get up if I have a kid. What is that? I'm calling 911. Help me. I've fallen. I can't get up. I'm like, that's crazy. I have a medical alert bracelet. Like, this is insane. That's what would happen. So I'm like. I pictured that and then Jefferson not wanting to change the diapers. And then, like, also my career, my life right now. I like.

[A]

You're crushing it.

[B]

I like it. I'm gonna get another dog at some point.

[A]

How's your special going?

[B]

It's been out for a year. And I had. I had. This is. This is. Here's the kind of thing that this is. If you want to piss me off online, here's exactly how the fuck you piss me off online. You say, girl, you need a special. I absolutely die from laughter at every single video. I reply, holly, I won't say your last name. All caps. I have one. It's on Netflix. Came out one year ago. I have no patience anymore. I'm just like. I feel like when it came out, I was so annoying. And I know I have newer fans and followers, but I'm like, I just posted a bunch of clips from the special again, because it's officially a year. It's officially a Year, like this week, it's been out.

[A]

Wow. Are you gonna do another one?

[B]

I would like to. I mean, nobody's banging down my door to do one. Here's the thing. I think when you. I don't know. I didn't get on top 10 when it came out. I will say it's very hard for women to get top 10. I only know one.

[A]

Is that a requirement?

[B]

I feel like it is for them. I don't know for sure for how Netflix does their numbers, but I'm like, I'm hoping that when tires. Season two comes out, or season three, actually, August 3rd. August 16th, I believe it comes out 13th. August 13th, it comes out. Check that out. I'm in it a bunch.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So I'm hoping that Netflix will be like, we should give her another one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm pretending that's how it's gonna work. I don't know. I, I. Because I'm like, I've been doing. Now I have. I have my hour ready to go. I've been doing it. I've been doing it since the other one stops. So I've been doing it for a full year. I've been on the road, just pumping out this new hour.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And now I want to put it away. I bet I'm done with it. We're finished. It's just like, it's so. That's why I do so much crowd work, because it's so repetitive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel crazy for doing it just

[A]

over and over again. You got it down. Do you shoot it first and then pitch it to them, or do they want to film it for you?

[B]

I did, like, an acquisition thing last time, but I don't know how that works because I feel like I want. I. Yeah. Because I don't. I wouldn't want to put on YouTube.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't have that many followers on YouTube, so I feel like, Please subscribe. Humble little plug there. It's free. I don't know why people don't. Yeah, I don't want the YouTube thing. I want to do another one. I can't go from Netflix to YouTube. That was crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I gotta do something else. Netflix. Just give me another goddamn special. I'd like to beg.

[A]

No, I will.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

See terms.

[A]

Tell me, tell me about your idea for a wedding.

[B]

Well, that's. We have the location upstate New York.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We have the venue. Not saying it cuz psychopaths will show up.

[A]

Madison Square Garden is hard to get into.

[B]

Can you imagine that crazy we're doing? Yeah, we. How big was yours?

[A]

I haven't had a wedding.

[B]

You still haven't had a wedding? No. Two kids.

[A]

I know.

[B]

What the hell is this?

[A]

I'm waiting until I'm done having children so I can have my comeback era and then have my wedding.

[B]

Wow. Okay.

[A]

That's a me thing. I'm like.

[B]

It's a very you thing.

[A]

I don't want to be. Could you imagine if I just like milked all through my dress?

[B]

That actually would be pretty epic if you milked the whole way down.

[A]

Just smell like sour going through.

[B]

Smell sour.

[A]

Oh yes it can. Yeah. No thanks. No.

[B]

That's why I drink almond milk because this is grossing me out. This is milking right now.

[A]

Tell me about yours though. Your idea.

[B]

I don't. We have. I wanted it like you know, we want to upstate New York, like Syracuse area. Because my family can all drive down from Toronto and his family all lives there and then anybody. We don't. We. Most of our friends are in like New York anyway. So they would come. I wanted. I don't know. I don't. I was like looking at dresses the other day. Kind of like a boho style wedding dress. I have some really stupid tattoos on my back that I need to cover up. So I need to hire like a very good tattoo, makeup, cover up artist for my. That's my big thing. I'm like, I have a giant windmill, no reason on my back. It's absurd. It's. I want to move to Amsterdam when I was 24. It's so bad. It looks insane anyways. I'm covered in like stupid tattoos. You can't really. Some of them you can see but most. These ones I like. But anyways and we wanted it like I don't know, not nothing too crazy. But I'm like, we need to do it soon because I never wanted to be like 45 having a wedding. So I'm like at 42 next year. That seems like the time. And I need to get jacked. I need to start. Like, we need to pick the date now so I can get. Like. I need time to shed.

[A]

But I feel like you always start with saying, I don't want anything crazy. But then as you say, as you get going.

[B]

Yeah, but because you're like, I do

[A]

need a caviar bar.

[B]

No, I'm not doing that stupid shit. The food. No, we're not doing. It's gonna be charcuterie. A nice. Okay, fat charcuterie that'll be out the whole time. Because I. When I first moved to la, I catered a lot of weddings. I cater to so many weddings. That's my whole job. I will say what I won't do, which is psychotic, that a lot of people do. They. This butterfly thing. Have you heard this? It's, like, so awful. They have live butterflies in these, like, little pieces of paper. They keep. It's fucked up. This is, like, inhumane. And then they want you to, like. Everyone gets this little live butterfly that's in these, like, two little pieces of paper. And then you're like, what the fuck is this? And then you just release them all. When butterflies are schlepped between two pieces of paper for Lord knows how long, they're not coming out and going, ooh, this is fun. They're like, ugh. So it's like they're all messed up, and then, like, they're falling on the ground and I'm like, serving. I'm like. I'm like, oh, my God. I was like, awful. No, I felt. I was like this girl from Young and the Restless. Anyways, I. I don't remember her name. She was like. She's also very old, too. I'm like, you're 65 getting married, and you're killing all these butterflies. It's absurd behavior.

[A]

That is terrible.

[B]

I don't like that. I don't want anything like. Like, weird like that. I like civilized. I kind of like the idea of a buffet. The seated kind of like, I don't know. But I have people schlopping and. I don't know. I have people breathing on it and coughing. I see people's licking the spoon and putting their thing back on it.

[A]

What time of year would you have your wedding?

[B]

Oh, we need. We're. We're thinking late, really late August, early September. I kind of the. Where it is upstate fall would be very nice, but I also don't want people being cold. But also, we run hot, so we can't do, like, hot summer.

[A]

Yeah. You have to pick, like, a.

[B]

We both are, like, wet all the time. Like, he's a wet man.

[A]

Sweats a lot.

[B]

Oh, God. He sweats, like, during sex. I'm like, it's absurd. I'm like, you're not doing that much work.

[A]

Pull out a towel.

[B]

Oh, no, there's a towel. He's dripping. And then when he works out, he's, like, drenched, so we can't be wet. And we're trying to figure out, like, I. I don't like when people have a hundred bridesmaids up. I think it looks foolish for a woman who's 41 years of age.

[A]

How many bridesmaids would you have?

[B]

I just want my. I want my maid of honor and one more, but he has nine siblings, so he's like, well, I need more. I'm like, well, we gotta figure this out. Because he was very staunch on me not having men in mind. Because he's like, that's not. You know. I'm like, well, then we have to narrow down, because a lot of my good friends are men, and I would have them in it. So it's like. I don't know what to tell you here, pal. We narrow it down because I. I think it just. It looks more civilized for the photos, too. I don't know. I would want my sister as my maid of honor, and then my best friend, Allison. That's what I would want as my little, Small. Little thing up there.

[A]

Yeah, you could just have them walk down the aisle with one and then run around and then walk down the aisle.

[B]

I mean, I had more friends, but I like. I just, like. I just like the idea of it being small and easy. And that way, if I pick those two now, my other friends are gonna get upset, you know? I mean, like, it's just. Yeah, it's a normal. It's more normal that way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's my sketch partner. I've known her for 20 years. It's just like, no one will be like, oh, why'd you pick her? And then, you know, I mean, and then it gets the more down you go, like, how many? And it just looks. It looks crazy to me in the photos. Yeah, I don't love it.

[A]

Do you. You live in New York?

[B]

No, I live in la.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna stay in la? Do y' all like la?

[B]

Yeah, we just bought a house.

[A]

Ooh. We can mute this part. Where'd you buy a house?

[B]

At Silver Lake. No, people know. That's fine.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

It's big enough. It's. It's. Yeah, we.

[A]

We.

[B]

I was doing well until the dog's chemo bills came into play. And now I'm like, ooh, we need to never stop working for the rest of our lives. I've been working every fucking night in la. Like, I have shows, like, two, three a night. I've gone crazy. Oh, yeah. Last night was the first night. I haven't done a show in weeks. I don't remember. Like, I don't even have days off now. I've gone, like, nuts. Cause I'm like a mortgage. Oh, a mortgage. And my chemo bills. It's insane. I don't think I realized what owning a house would entail. I'm like, we've. We've really done something here, pal. Anyways, he's on a cruise ship right now making money. And, yeah, we've. It's. It's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot going on. A lot of stress happening right now. But that's why I'm like, also the wedding. I'm like, I would have to pay for probably most of it, because isn't it the bride side that does it?

[A]

I mean, technically.

[B]

Yeah. And like, my parents aren't, like, you know, super wealthy or anything, so it's like, I would feel. I. I just. I wouldn't want it to be too expensive. I. And I also hate that it's. I. I want to spend money on the honeymoon. Where would you go for a honeymoon? I want to go to Greece.

[A]

I love Greece. Never been. I love Greece.

[B]

I must go.

[A]

I like Mykonos the most.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And not even to sound like hack.

[B]

And. Yes.

[A]

Typical or whatever. I went to Santorini.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Don't recommend.

[B]

That's the one where everyone goes and takes those photos and they're all like.

[A]

It's just. It's like a photo moment, but it's not. I don't think it's worth.

[B]

No, no. I don't want people around. I get annoyed by people. There's. No. No, there is people there.

[A]

No, if you. You don't want people.

[B]

No, no, no. I hate crowds.

[A]

Okay, then you might like it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It was a little too quiet for me.

[B]

Oh, then I like this. I don't. I don't. I. I've got. I feel like I've been around people my whole. That's all I do is be around people.

[A]

Oh, then you'd love it.

[B]

I like just drinking and eating, plopping out.

[A]

Go there.

[B]

Well, you know, you do some hikes. Okay, then I'm going there. That's what I want.

[A]

Definitely go there.

[B]

I love this. Like when we were in Spain last year, we were. That was the best part. Just like finding like little, little towns that no one was in. Like, we stayed in this place called Taroni. It was like super small and every restaurant went to was like dead. And I was like, this is what I like. It's nice.

[A]

I liked Mykonos because there's a beach there called Namos. And Namos is where it's like St. Barth's on steroids. It's where all the yachts go to park. And then they have all of these chairs, like on this water where you can lounge. But it's like $200 a chair, but you stay there all day and there's beach bars.

[B]

I need your husband's credit card if I go there.

[A]

This was actually before I met him.

[B]

Oh, fuck. Okay.

[A]

This was before I.

[B]

You can't bring your own chair. I will bring a fucking fold up chair and be like, excuse me, got my own. I would die to sit down. They get mad if you do that.

[A]

You're not allowed to do that. This is like. It's like going to like a palace. Like, you can't take your own bed.

[B]

I. What if I did. What if I brought a hammock?

[A]

I'd video it and see what happens. I'd be like, all right, you do you.

[B]

There we go. I mean, come on.

[A]

But Greece is beautiful.

[B]

Yeah, I want to go because. Yeah, I want. Yeah, good wine and food. And we were thinking, we're joking about going to Bulgaria because that's where my family's from and I've never been and it's like, it's very cheap.

[A]

What would you do there?

[B]

See? Exactly. There's also. There's nice beaches and stuff there too, but, like, no one goes. It's apparently like the least visited country in all of Europe. Well, that, that was their slogan, like, years ago. But now it's like, it's super. It's super cheap and like, it's same. It looks like Greece. Yeah, same shit. Probably food's not as good, but we're on the map now. Bulgaria's back on the map. Did you hear about Eurovision? A Bulgarian won Eurovision this year.

[A]

Did not know that.

[B]

It's like, what is it? What's Eurovision like? The big song competition?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Well, she's hot. The Bulgarian who won. She's got big fat milkers. She's hot as hell.

[A]

That helps.

[B]

Yeah. Yo. Yeah, she. I was Like, I'm like, we don't all look like that. I'm like, some of us look like this. She's got like a tiny little nose. I'm like, you're not really representing us properly. But the song is kind of catchy. But yeah, I think that's like, put Bulgaria on the map now. But more because, no, apparently Bulgaria has never won or hasn't won like 50 years or something. Oh, I think they've never won.

[A]

It's like the Knicks at the finals.

[B]

Yeah, that was. That was insane. Those games they hadn't won in like

[A]

53 years or something like that.

[B]

I don't get why people go crazy and break when they win.

[A]

I don't either.

[B]

It feels like it'd be the opposite.

[A]

Wouldn't you be happy and celebrating in a positive way? Yeah, like, go pop a bottle, dude.

[B]

Like, really? When the Raptors won, like what, five, six years ago, they won and Toronto was like, same thing. People breaking buses. I'm like, just party. Why are we breaking? If you lose, that's when you break. Very confusing. Maybe I'm just not into sports. Maybe that's what it is.

[A]

I've been to so many sports sporting events this year, it's insane. I've never been to. I've been to the Kentucky Derby. I went to the NBA Finals. I've been to the World Cup.

[B]

Was. You did. You went to World Cup? Oh, there was.

[A]

I went to the one in Houston.

[B]

Oh, is that fun?

[A]

It was. Ronaldo was playing.

[B]

Sounds loud.

[A]

It really wasn't that loud.

[B]

It wasn't. Cuz like when you hear. Soccer is the one sport. When you hear like just these like horns.

[A]

I wish that it would have been a better game. But Portugal was. When they. Who. I don't even remember who they were

[B]

playing, but they really, really loved that game. There's two teams you already know.

[A]

Portugal and someone else.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And they had. Portugal scored five times and then the other team didn't score at all. So it wasn't like this really crazy crowd.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because it was so uneven.

[B]

It's. It's too long of gaps in between too. I need like some. You mean? Yeah, I like the hustle and the bustle. I like. That's what. I can watch hockey. We went and saw an Oklahoma OKC versus the San Antonio Spurs. That was good because that guy's so tall.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wemby. What's his name?

[A]

Wimbanyama.

[B]

I kept trying to look at the penis. And by kept trying, I mean I was Mostly watching.

[A]

I think it just goes all the way down his leg.

[B]

It's not as long as you'd think.

[A]

How do you know?

[B]

Well, you can see them slopping around the shorts.

[A]

Were you that close?

[B]

We were pretty close. Oh, we were. I've got good eyes. I have pervert eyes. No, I told you. Ever since I was looking at it, because I was like. I was just curious. Whenever a man's that tall, like, you want to know, he could have folded

[A]

it in half and then put it in his boxers.

[B]

I don't think you can play properly if your penis is folded. I'm just going to distract you. Well, because I'm always curious because, like, Brad Williams always says that he's got a big one and it's like. Is it like, just because of, like, the sizing or like. You mean.

[A]

Yeah. That's an odd thing for a midget to say.

[B]

I don't think so. I think a lot of them. Little person. Okay.

[A]

I'm sorry, I don't know.

[B]

But he. No, he talks about a lot. I'm not saying this out of pocket. Brad's mentioned his big penis quite a few times. Not to me personally. One on one, he does have. He whispers it in my ear, hey, come here. My cock is huge. I'm like, okay, wow, Brad.

[A]

But you also look like Snow White. And that's his fetish, that.

[B]

Well, he has a wife and he loves her and she's amazing.

[A]

That doesn't mean. That doesn't mean that this little dude doesn't have fetishes. Okay.

[B]

No, I'm just saying his dick is. I just like seeing. Because I was with one guy once, really tall guy, and he kept saying how big his penis was. And then when his pants came off, I was like, it's so small in comparison. Like, it was. There was no. It was so. So tiny that I'm like, I'm just curious now. Yeah, it's like, it can never be that big.

[A]

Well, maybe he was trying to lure you. Lure your curiosity.

[B]

He did, and it was not what I was expecting.

[A]

What a disappointment. What a letdown.

[B]

Well, also, I wouldn't have cared. Don't act like it's a big piece. That's confusing.

[A]

It is confusing.

[B]

It's like me always wearing a mask and being like, my. My nose is so tiny under here. Wait till you see it. And then I take the mask off and you're like, what the hell? I would never do that. It's bizarre. Why would I. Why do I lie about something that's simply there that I can't change. Strange stuff.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Back when I was single. Now I'm engaged. I keep looking at it. I have a fucking. It doesn't fit, though. I have a ring fitter on the back.

[A]

Is it too big?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, see, if you got pregnant, your fingers would swell and it would fit perfectly.

[B]

And that's the only reason I'd get pregnant, is so I don't have to get my ring resized. That would be so psychotic. Jesus. No, no, no. We're gonna have to get it done because I have, like, a little plastic thing in the back of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like. It drives me insane.

[A]

But you just got engaged.

[B]

I did. You're supposed to wait to get it.

[A]

No, but I'm just saying it's not odd that I'm sorry. I'm getting the kick shit kicked out of me. It's not odd.

[B]

I can't see it. Is it happening?

[A]

It's up here.

[B]

Oh, I see it.

[A]

Did you see that?

[B]

I saw it.

[A]

It's very distracting.

[B]

It's so.

[A]

I'm trying to have a very lovely conversation with you, and I'm just over here with an alien inside of me.

[B]

No, it is.

[A]

Watch. Here it goes again.

[B]

Wait. What? You can poke it like that.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That seems. Hold on. Insane. Oh, my God. That's a lot.

[A]

Wait, is it. He's gonna move.

[B]

This is crazy. Where's his head right now?

[A]

Dude, have you ever.

[B]

Not over there. This seems. I mean, I've never been pregnant, but this seems like a lot of movement for the child.

[A]

So he's used to it, I guess.

[B]

People work out when I see. Okay, now that you're scaring me. Okay, well, I'm no doctor, but please.

[A]

I think he actually went to sleep. I think he's actually napped.

[B]

That lulled him to bed. He had one final kick. Cause I see people, like, working out a lot when they're, like, super pregnant. That always, to me is like, is that safe?

[A]

It's safe.

[B]

Maybe I just. Maybe I think, as I know that if I was ever pregnant, I'd be like, ah, time to be fat. And no one could say shit. All right.

[A]

My first pregnancy, I had a personal trainer.

[B]

Okay, and you're doing jumping jacks.

[A]

I didn't do it again.

[B]

You're doing burpees. You can't be doing burpees.

[A]

You can't be doing burpees.

[B]

If you're doing burpees, I'm calling Child Services.

[A]

There's no way.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

You can't even do a plank, like, after you're five months pregnant.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But you can do, like, leg stuff and arm stuff.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But the second time around, I was like, I did Barry's boot camp for, like, four or five months, and then

[B]

I gave up because I see, like, some, like, super Jack ladies. I'm like. I guess it's. I don't know.

[A]

It's just too hard for me to do that.

[B]

I want. I would want chips. This is the one time you can eat anything you can want.

[A]

Supposed to eat, like, 100 grams of protein a day.

[B]

Really? So no chips.

[A]

You can have chips, but you have to. You have to also have, like, a ton of protein.

[B]

What are you eating then? Just Terry Black's bar.

[A]

No, I'm eating, like, I eat four eggs in the morning.

[B]

Four.

[A]

I eat four for the choline.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so it makes your kids smart. And then I'm eating, like, a handful of nuts with that, like, walnuts and stuff that have, like, omegas. And then I have chicken salad for dinner. I always have, like, a fat steak

[B]

all to myself every night. A steak almost.

[A]

Or I'll have a burger with, like, two patty. Lots of red meat. So in your third trimester, you're supposed to consume a ton of zinc.

[B]

Zinc.

[A]

And the highest thing that has zinc are raw. Well, they don't have to be raw oysters. So I have grilled oysters a lot.

[B]

Hey, grilled. I was like, you just do raw, right? I was like, I might know one thing about Pisces.

[A]

Oysters scare me because people get so sick off of them.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's like one of the number one raw foods that people get really, really sick off of.

[B]

So what is that thing? What are we eating?

[A]

I love an oyster.

[B]

So do I. But what is it?

[A]

It's like a T. I just think of it as a. Like a. Like a fish tongs.

[B]

That's. I have, like. It's covered in stuff I like. It's slopped.

[A]

Do you like it? The Wasab. Wasabi.

[B]

Tabasco.

[A]

What is it called? Horseradish.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the pickled stuff. The, like, vinegar thing. It's like that. That I can do.

[A]

So I'll do grilled oysters. I'll eat fish. I'll eat mostly a lot of red meat because it's so high in zinc.

[B]

Okay. Thank God you're not drinking, because you'd have gout at this point, girl. Like that.

[A]

Let me tell you the thing about alcohol, though. The first time around, didn't. I didn't want anything at all. This time around, the only thing I've craved besides cereal is a Modelo.

[B]

A Modelo?

[A]

I don't know. I don't even like beer. No, I don't even like beer. I don't even like beer.

[B]

Because that's a weird one. Like wine. I would feel like, oh, my husband

[A]

popped open a Modelo and I could smell it. And I was just like, oh, because you.

[B]

Right after the baby comes out, you can have like a Guinness or something, right?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I think that's like one of the alcohols you're allowed to like.

[A]

Guinness.

[B]

Guinness. Because it's not as bad for when you're breastfeeding.

[A]

Oh, I didn't. I don't know.

[B]

A little bit.

[A]

I don't like beer, dude. I like beer. It's weird that I'm craving it.

[B]

That's bizarre.

[A]

And it. So it's not like I just want a beer. It's that I want the, like, Modelo with the, like, the lime.

[B]

The lime. But you can have like, a couple sips.

[A]

I think you can have some wine.

[B]

You have some wine. Look, I know my mother drank with me, and I'm. I mean, not all.

[A]

Do you have tolerance?

[B]

Like alcohol tolerance? Yeah. Not with the way I've been drinking recently, I don't. If I told you the amount of. If I told you how much I drank last night and you looked at me sitting here like this. I drank, okay? I drank four margaritas, three ranch waters, two glasses of wine.

[A]

Martini, dude. Yeah.

[B]

I can't believe I kept going. I was like, oh, there's more.

[A]

That's not.

[B]

Hey, at least not hungover. I'm going right to the gym after this.

[A]

You sound really fun.

[B]

I am an alcoholic right now. Grief has taken its turn, and its turn has been alcohol. I can't sleep unless I'm hammered. I've tried sleeping pills. I've tried melatonin. Yeah, we're off now. I'm off the sauce for a month. I've decided, okay, I'm not fitting into my pants. And I did coolsculpting, if you forgot that I mentioned that I have paid money to have my fat cells melted outta my body out of my ass. I must. I must go a month. Cause summers are bad. I go to my family's cottage and there's this big horseshoe tournament. Let me just tell you, Jim Trenor, if you're listening, you're going down again. Because I get really into this horseshoe tournament because I' of good at horseshoes. Only when I'm hammered.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Oh yeah. It's very bizarre. I don't know why. And it's like it's all men that get usually the finals, only like Cheryl, one other woman gets to like the final. So I made the semi finals last year and I beat this guy Jim and everyone was like it was going to upset cuz everyone thought Jim was going to win the whole thing and I kicked him out and everyone was like thanking me, congratulating me. And then I'm like, I can't go back now and not be so I need to now not drink for a month now.

[A]

You have a reputation.

[B]

I have a reputation. So I'm like, I'm going to save my drinking till the day of the horseshoe tournament so I can be nice and buzzed because otherwise I'm not really feeling a buzz till quite late. Like all those drinks I mentioned having, wouldn't I have been hammered? I did order a chicken shawarma bowl last night at 11pm but yum. That was because I was drunk. And maybe it was drunk by the end of the night. I should stop. But yeah, summer. I feel like the beer is a summer thing you'd want. That's why probably summer sip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Refreshing.

[A]

I'm just also so uncomfortable.

[B]

Yeah. Can you go to Barton Springs and lie out? You're disgusted by Barton Springs?

[A]

No, no, I can't lay on my back.

[B]

Oh, you can't side?

[A]

I could but I have to have. Dude, this belly is so big. I have to have like a pillow that rests if I lay on my side to hold this baby. Otherwise my stick stomach falls.

[B]

Oh God.

[A]

And it hurts.

[B]

Where are your organs? Behind the baby or.

[A]

I don't know. I think they're behind.

[B]

Behind. This seems unnatural, doesn't it? Like I know it is, but like it's just hard. I don't know why I.

[A]

There's no relaxing. That's why alcohol sounds good because you kick back and you can like have a glass of wine. Three more weeks, dude.

[B]

You're in the long and. But because you're doing three, four more weeks. And now because you can plan it, because you can do.

[A]

I'm. Yes, but if it comes early then it would be three weeks.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Otherwise we're at four and you walk

[B]

in, you slice and they slice and toss it in the salad bowl and then you come back, you put it

[A]

back in and then two, three days later.

[B]

You don't leave that same night.

[A]

Not with a C section.

[B]

Oh, my friend said she went in and out the same Day. That seems crazy.

[A]

She had a C section.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In Canada.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. They have different roles.

[B]

I, I, I. Because I thought it was crazy to go in and out the same day.

[A]

No, they have to, like. You have to, like, have a bowel movement. They have to monitor you. They have to make sure that.

[B]

I would think so. Yeah.

[A]

Because that you're, like, not gonna bleed out, the bleeding. You have a catheter.

[B]

Your catheter.

[A]

There's all kinds of stuff. Yeah. So you have to.

[B]

That's, that's it for me.

[A]

You have to get discharged.

[B]

That's it for me. The catheter. That's it. That's it. I'm. I'm getting. I'm having an abortion. If I catheter's too much for me, I would need to be. I can't be awake for that.

[A]

You wouldn't. You don't feel that when it comes out.

[B]

You feel that.

[A]

I actually don't remember that.

[B]

Get where it is. I, I know where my P hole is. It makes sense where it would go.

[A]

Don't they just pull it out?

[B]

Catheter's the worst thing.

[A]

I don't remember. You know what? Let me tell you this. You have. You are on so many drugs. You better be so many that you don't. You. There, there's. You don't feel it because no one's raw.

[B]

Dogging Caesareans. That's insane.

[A]

You're on, like, hydrocodone.

[B]

I want to feel it natural, all kinds of stuff. My God.

[A]

And then you have, like, the little button that you can push, and it, like, gives you more medicine.

[B]

Do they go into the same little scar? Oh, that's convenient.

[A]

That was my first question to the doctor. I was like, can you go through the same scar? So he was like, yeah, absolutely. I'm gonna give you a new, fresh scar. And I'm like, okay, that's weird.

[B]

Don't say things like that.

[A]

Say it like that.

[B]

Why? They're kind of inappropriate sometimes. I'm like, that seems crazy. And he said in a fun way, too.

[A]

He, like, he's like, you're gonna just gonna be like a brand new scar. And I'm just like. I'm like, I don't, like, love the fact that I have scar.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Let's not glamorize it.

[B]

Can you put tallow on it? Does that help?

[A]

Probably silicone patches. There's all kinds of stuff.

[B]

So who's looking? It's so low anyways.

[A]

You really don't see it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's like under your bikini line again. Unless you're a stripper and then you

[B]

might get more tips.

[A]

You should get more tips. If you're a stripper and you have a C section scar, you should be

[B]

balling and raking it in. Yeah, I'd give more if I saw that. I'd be like, here you are, ma'. Am.

[A]

I double up.

[B]

Something.

[A]

I double. Dude, this has been so great having you back on.

[B]

Thanks for having me. Very fun. Minus my small cry. We won't bring that up on the next podcast until. Tom, no dog talk. No, it's fine. I cry all the time. Grief is. This is. This is grief. This is what happens when you love something. I've never cried like this over a person, though, which is scaring me. Well, I guess it's. I know it's different, but I'm like.

[A]

Love animals differently.

[B]

Yeah. My grandparents, but this is. I never did this with them. I cried at the funeral.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm like, oh, boy. Anyways, let's not make it sad at the end.

[A]

Okay. Well, people can find you here back on your podcast.

[B]

Yes, they can. Stephen Factions on your mom's house. Please subscribe to the YouTube and listen and watch and share and tell everybody about it. We talk about body stuff. You gotta come on. If you're ever in Los Angeles, which you're never gonna be there.

[A]

I might sometimes. Next year.

[B]

Next year. The next year. We'll talk all about the cesarean on there.

[A]

Okay. Again, thank you guys so much for watching. This has been really fun. We'll see you next time. First date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number.

[B]

First date.

[A]

Your parents are your roommates. Thursday.

[C]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[A]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy.

[C]

See terms.