The Art of the Female Argument w/ Maddy Smith | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Art of the Female Argument with Maddy Smith | First Date with Lauren Compton

Introduction

In this lively episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, comedian and viral content creator Lauren Compton sits down with Maddie Smith, the host of the Mad House podcast. The duo delves into the complexities of modern dating, relationships, personal quirks, and the humorous side of navigating love in today's world. Released on July 22, 2025, this episode offers an unfiltered look into the challenges and triumphs of finding and maintaining meaningful connections.

Getting to Know Maddie Smith

Lauren begins by introducing Maddie Smith, highlighting her success as the host of the Mad House podcast and her current tour. The initial conversation revolves around Maddie’s personal life, particularly her long-term relationship.

• Lauren (00:28): "Give it up for Maddie Smith."
• Maddie (00:37): "I have a lover, but I always have a lover."

Maddie discusses the longevity of her relationship, revealing that her partner has been by her side for a few years. She emphasizes the importance of privacy in her personal life, contrasting it with the often overshared nature of modern relationships on social media.

Navigating Privacy in Relationships

Maddie expresses her preference for keeping her relationship private, which Lauren acknowledges as a unique trait among First Date guests.

• Maddie (01:22): "I think it makes things a lot easier with all my other boyfriends. We were posting happy anniversary, happy birthday, happy shit day…"

Maddie shares her frustration with the public nature of relationships and breakups, highlighting how social media can complicate private matters.

Stand-Up Comedy and Personal Insights

The conversation shifts to Maddie’s career in stand-up comedy, where she candidly discusses her comedic style and the themes she explores on stage, such as dating and sexuality.

• Maddie (02:26): "I talk about sucking and fucking. I talk about dating, I talk about dudes, I talk about everything. Jokes. Am I gay? Blowjobs."

Maddie addresses misconceptions about her sexuality, humorously recounting interactions with lesbian fans who perceive a "gay in her."

• Maddie (03:15): "I might be a homophobe."

Body Image and Self-Perception

The duo delves into issues of body image and societal standards, with both sharing personal experiences and frustrations.

• Maddie (04:51): "Don't be a sub 7 ho."
• Lauren (05:17): "I was in Playboy before turn up and I didn't like the way that I looked."

They humorously critique Hollywood standards, mentioning celebrities like Zendaya and Sydney Sweeney, and discussing the pressures women face regarding their appearance.

Dating Preferences and Challenges

Maddie and Lauren explore their dating preferences, particularly their attraction to taller and more traditionally "masculine" men. They humorously compare undesirable traits in potential partners.

• Maddie (18:30): "Catch me."
• Lauren (19:07): "He stands on his toes when he gets angry."

They discuss the challenges of dating logical and emotionally unavailable men, sharing anecdotes about past relationships that failed due to incompatible emotional responses.

Handling Arguments and Personal Red Flags

A significant portion of the conversation focuses on conflict resolution in relationships and personal red flags each partner possesses.

• Maddie (23:45): "My personal red flag is I can be short circuited."
• Lauren (25:06): "That's my toxic trait."

Both admit to having tendencies like pouting and emotional outbursts, acknowledging these as areas for personal growth.

Sobriety and Its Impact on Relationships

Maddie candidly discusses her journey to sobriety, explaining how excessive drinking impacted her social life and relationships.

• Maddie (32:20): "I blacked out so hard, I threw up the entire next day."
• Lauren (34:06): "I haven't had alcohol. I have a 5-month-old, so it's been about a year and a half."

They highlight the benefits of sobriety, including better physical health and improved relationships, while also touching on the social challenges that come with it.

Humorous Takes on Romance and Intimacy

The conversation takes a lighter turn as they discuss preferences and turn-offs in romantic and intimate settings.

• Maddie (35:32): "I hate when you're like making out and you're like, ooh, this is the vibe. And then immediately he's trying to go for your pussy."
• Lauren (36:05): "I don't really do music. I'm on Wild N Out, so I've told them that my friends on there that I don't play, and they, like, lose it."

Their candid and humorous approach provides an entertaining perspective on what makes relationships work or falter.

Tattoos and Personal Expressions

Exploring personal expressions through body art, they discuss tattoos, or the lack thereof, and what they symbolize.

• Maddie (36:49): "No tattoos. No tattoos. Nope. I'm really pale, so I feel like a tattoo on this shade looks super white trash. Respectfully."
• Lauren (37:30): "I have a kiss tattoo on my butt."

They share humorous stories about tattoos and the social perceptions surrounding them, adding depth to their personal narratives.

Rapid-Fire Questions and Closing Thoughts

As the episode nears its end, Lauren and Maddie engage in a rapid-fire Q&A, revealing more about their personal lives and preferences.

• Lauren (41:31): "Who should pay on a first date?"
• Maddie (31:55): "The guy... You're paying. Yes."

They conclude with heartfelt and humorous exchanges, reinforcing the genuine connection forged during the conversation.

Conclusion

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton with Maddie Smith offers a blend of humor, honesty, and relatable anecdotes about the intricacies of dating and relationships. Both hosts provide insightful commentary on personal growth, societal pressures, and the importance of self-awareness in fostering healthy connections. Their dynamic interaction ensures that listeners are both entertained and enlightened, making it a must-listen for anyone navigating the tumultuous waters of love and companionship.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Maddie on Relationship Privacy (01:22): "I think it makes things a lot easier with all my other boyfriends."
• Maddie on Comedic Themes (02:26): "I talk about sucking and fucking. I talk about dating, I talk about dudes..."
• Maddie on Body Image (04:51): "Don't be a sub 7 ho."
• Lauren on Sobriety (34:06): "I have a 5-month-old, so it's been about a year and a half."
• Maddie on Personal Red Flags (23:45): "My personal red flag is I can be short circuited."
• Lauren on Dating Tall Men (19:07): "He stands on his toes when he gets angry."

These moments encapsulate the essence of the episode, showcasing the blend of humor and vulnerability that defines the conversation between Lauren and Maddie.

Where to Find Maddie Smith

Listeners interested in Maddie Smith's work can visit her website at mannysmithcomedy.com and follow her on various social media platforms. Maddie is currently touring, with upcoming shows in Tyler, Texas, Dallas, and Portland. Fans are encouraged to catch her live performances and check out her Mad House podcast for more of her comedic insights.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[B]

First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date.

[A]

Hello and welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is the host of the Mad House podcast. You can see her on tour now and get tickets. Give it up for Maddie Smith.

[B]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, guys. Uproaring Studio. Thank you.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

Happy to be here.

[A]

So we were just talking about you living in New York.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Are you dating anyone in New York?

[B]

I have a lover, but I always have a lover.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How long has this lover lasted?

[B]

Oh, it's been a couple years. A few years, yeah.

[A]

Oh, wow. So it's a long term lover.

[B]

That's my man. That's my squeeze. Long term.

[A]

How'd you guys meet?

[B]

The usual. You know what I mean?

[A]

No.

[B]

Wait. I should probably. I'm dating a guy, but we're pretty private, so.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I probably should have announced that.

[A]

Well, guys, thank you so much for tuning in to.

[B]

What I was gonna say is I want to talk about sucking dick and blah, blah, blah, but I have a lover. I have a lover. Okay. Yes.

[A]

I'm genuinely curious about. About having a relationship that is private. Because I don't. I think you're the first person to come on the show.

[B]

Really? Okay.

[A]

That's like, pretty private.

[B]

Okay. So it's gonna be intriguing.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I think it makes things a lot easier with all my other boyfriends. We were posting happy anniversary, happy birthday, happy shit day, happy flag day, happy blah, blah, blah. Look at this guy. You know about borderline videos of you fucking eating his ass. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then everything's out there. And then what happens? You break up. Then you guys say, hey, I'm single, everybody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Announce it. Oh, here's a clip of me doing stand up, talking about how I'm single now and everyone wants to fuck me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like if, like, my stand up is kind of like, jokey yokey. It's not really parasocial in terms of like, it's not like Maddie Smith Bears all. I think it's like me. It's like an. It's like an. It's not an act. It's like a. It's like a show. I'm like an old school comedian in the Catskills.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shokeyokey, but not offstage. I'm like. I like to be like, you don't know anything. You actually don't have, like a real life. Yeah, yeah. Divvy that up a little bit.

[A]

What do you talk about primarily in your stand up?

[B]

I talk about sucking and fudgeing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So that's why it's funny. So I talk about sucking and fucking. I talk about dating, I talk about dudes, I talk about everything. Jokes. Am I gay? Blowjobs.

[A]

Why do people think you're gay? Have you come across as gay at some point? And people are like, oh, she's a lesbo.

[B]

I. I've had lesbians come up to me after shows and say, like, we know that you are. You have a little bit of a gay in you.

[A]

I love that they come up to you like we. Like a collective.

[B]

Yeah. They say like, we, like, we are the Borg. Or they'll say, because I have a joke about, like, was I gay? I hooked up with a girl to see if I was gay. I'm not gay. So not gay. I might be a homophobe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then girls will come up and say, like, when you decide you're not straight anymore, let me know. Stuff like that.

[A]

Isn't that kind of disrespectful though?

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I will say this. I don't like that it's a really awkward thing in your head because I love women. Like, I love when girls come up to me after shows. Woo. Ooh. Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk. But you know, if there's. I got standards.

[A]

Yeah, I got standards.

[B]

Don't be. Don't be a sub 7 ho.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Trying to think I'm you. Yeah, I can see you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's a woman too. So you're like, oh, my God, I'm being mean to a girl in my head.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, I feel like a dude. I'm like, you think I would fuck you, right? You're a fucking dog.

[A]

I love the term dog.

[B]

I know, it is so funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So old school.

[A]

Yeah. My husband will actually call other girls dogs.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Whenever he thinks someone is really ugly, he'll be like, God damn, she is a dog. And I think it's funny when he says it because he's medium ugly.

[B]

Hilarious. And so funny and stuff. I like, wow, where the fuck do you get off, bitch?

[A]

Yeah, how come you get to call. And then he'll call people fat? And I'm like, hilarious.

[B]

That's so funny. But that's men. I know that's men.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because men sit around and make us think we're ugly. So then we paint our eyelashes, we fill our lips, we get our labias. Stop talking about me. We get our labias snipped up.

[A]

Yeah, I did that too.

[B]

Yeah. Nice, nice. I low key wanna see. Cause I'm on all the plastic surgery Reddit, so I'd be seeing before and after. So. Those labias are so.

[A]

Girl. I did. I was in Playboy before turn up and I didn't like the way that I looked. And then being naked all the time with Playboy, I was like, damn. I started getting insecure because all you do is look at other naked girls.

[B]

You started getting.

[A]

And I'm like, oh, no, I'm different.

[B]

Yes. But they were probably looking at you and being like, oh, my God, she's hot as fuck.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Everyone's always looking at each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, there's days where I wish I could wake up and, like, pick what body type I have in the morning.

[A]

Fun.

[B]

Yeah. Because how is it fair that, like, Zendaya gets to wear those dresses, but then also at the same time, Sydney Sweeney gets to wear like, I. I don't get to wear, like. I don't know, it's just like, how come. It's like I'm living in a world where, like, Sydney Sweeney looks like she does?

[A]

Yeah. But her, she's not funny.

[B]

Yeah, obviously. I'm like the funniest person in the world.

[A]

I like Sydney Sweeney, but she looks like she's sleepy to me all the time. And I'm like, just do a rail.

[B]

She does look like a little.

[A]

One line of coke and wake the.

[B]

I totally agree. Open her eyes.

[A]

Let me see your eyes. Like this.

[B]

Open your eyes just once. Totally agree.

[A]

Just once.

[B]

But she does have huge eyes, so it probably hurts to open them. Probably.

[A]

They're just heavy. Yeah. That's why she has that sleepy Marilyn Monroe look.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So sleepy. What a. I know, but men just.

[A]

I look sleepy. Absolutely. No one is telling me I look pretty.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

They're like, ooh.

[B]

They go, are you okay?

[A]

Do I hate it when people are like, are you tired?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Are you tired? You look exhausted.

[B]

They go, did you have an early flight? No, 1pm 1pm I got 10 hours of sleep. Thanks, though.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Damn.

[B]

People be saying stuff, but yes, Sydney.

[A]

Sweeney and Zendaya can get away with that. And like.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And they just look like Marilyn Monroe. They're like, that's the vibe.

[B]

That. Right, right.

[A]

It's rude.

[B]

It's rude. But lately I've been thinking I might get a. I might pull my tits up next year.

[A]

You think?

[B]

You know, I rant about men and the stuff we do for them. But then I might pull my tits up.

[A]

Well, if you just do it for.

[B]

Yourself, it's for me. Yeah.

[A]

That's all you have to say. I did it for me. It's for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause you've had a long term lover, right.

[B]

And he's fine.

[A]

He's fine.

[B]

And you know if you have a boyfriend, they love tits.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They love you.

[A]

And they just go, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Squeeze them into one all the time.

[B]

Every single time.

[A]

It's annoying.

[B]

They're like, make the next one wait.

[A]

Till you start making milk. And then just squirts out. Oh my God, it's wild.

[B]

I sprinkler can't. Because first of all, congratulations, children. Seems amazing. It's a lot. It's a love. It's a love you don't know till you know it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. But I don't know if I'll ever have milk in my tits because I don't know about the kids thing.

[A]

You don't know if you want kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What about your long term secret lover?

[B]

We both were like, I don't know, we're both kind of each way. Sounds amazing. Not or having them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then you're like, man, I really enjoy my life.

[A]

I don't think you're ever ready though.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Coming from someone who has kid, I don't think you're ever like, but I'm ready.

[B]

Were you like growing up and until you had a kid, were you like, I'm gonna have a kid someday, I'll have a kid?

[A]

No, actually I was on a walk last night and I even told him, I was like, you know, he always knew he was gonna be a dad, like sooner than later. And I told him, I said I didn't ever think I was going to have kids.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

And then he's like, well, what would you have done without this fulfilling little guy in your life? And I'm like, probably would have pursued my career a little harder. Would have gone on tour. Probably would have been in a couple more movies. I think I would have. Would have been just fine.

[B]

Yeah. Life would have been good. I would have kept making a shit ton of money.

[A]

I was pretty much like really crushing it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Doing me.

[B]

Not going to lie.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No.

[B]

So she would have been toy.

[A]

I would have been all right.

[B]

Yep. So.

[A]

But like love the guy.

[B]

Love the guy.

[A]

Love the little dude. Yeah.

[B]

He's like, right.

[A]

So I'm not mad at it, but like also would have been fine had it not happened.

[B]

That's how I feel. That's how I feel. If I don't have a kid, things will keep cooking. I'll visit every country except, you know, the obvious ones not to.

[A]

Yeah. Like Israel, Pakistan.

[B]

Those two are first on my list. Direct flight from LaGuardia. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. That's where I am, lover. Don't think I'm gonna have kids until you met.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

I'm 33. Okay.

[A]

I'm 37.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

So I waited until I was also.

[B]

I feel you. But the even you being 37. So you had your kid. Your kid is new, right? Not to talk about it. Like.

[A]

Yeah, no, he's five months this week.

[B]

Your kids, it's.

[A]

He actually did smell.

[B]

It's 20, 25, right?

[A]

Yeah. New car smell.

[B]

Yeah. He smelled like a little.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so. But you're 37. I'm 33. Almost 34. That's only a few too. Get it together. Like, it's a. But that's what I'm saying.

[A]

I don't. Like you can't prepare enough.

[B]

Absolutely. But I don't have growing assets. If I'm gonna be honest. I don't have a prep plan in place. Wait, you're not a Hotels.com member, so you're choosing to pay full price? Did you not hear the song? How could you not be a member and save up to 20%. That's less than 50%. But it's more than zero percent. You're welcome. See, the math is mathing. Save up to 20% on hundreds of thousands of hotels with hotels dot com. Mama, papa, mi C. My income is going to Albuquerque and Detroit and San Jose and begging people to come see me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wander around, go around on tv.

[A]

Well, you know what would really help?

[B]

Feet pics.

[A]

That's way better than what I was gonna say.

[B]

Just say. Yeah.

[A]

I was gonna say baby feet.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

But no. Getting your little dude, like, come see me, or I'm going to start selling pics of my feet.

[B]

Mm. Having a baby and saying, come see me because I had a baby. Like, the baby.

[A]

It doesn't sound as good outside of my head.

[B]

No, but you know, like, people have. People will do specials and they're pregnant and stuff like that. So I think babies are a big fan.

[A]

Pregnancy can be good for standup. Yeah, but then you actually do have a baby at the end of it. I know.

[B]

That's the thing.

[A]

That's a lot.

[B]

That's the thing.

[A]

Well, let's get back to dating.

[B]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Kids are there.

[B]

What Are we talking about kids on a first date for.

[A]

Anyway, I know that's like not good.

[B]

Etiquette, taking it too far.

[A]

Whenever you go out on a date with a secret lover.

[B]

What's.

[A]

What's your ideal date night?

[B]

Ideal date?

[A]

Maybe a movie. You maybe go to the, like horror movies. Like what kind of movie you do?

[B]

I like horror movies. I like all movies. I love. I love going to the movies.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I love air conditioning, bottomless popcorn. I love a Diet Coke the size of a fucking football field.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Eight cocks. I don't know why I said that. I keep hearing them laugh over. Let me say something even funnier and weirder.

[A]

I'm doing selling baby feet pics.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

So we'll just cancel our 2 comments out.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So yeah, I'll maybe try a new restaurant or something. Or something low key.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

See what food we're in the mood for. Maybe we' ramen or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

New York has so much good food.

[B]

I know. There's so much stuff, so I try not to think about it. I just pick something and go, oh, we do. You know, movie first, food later. Pretty crazy. Pretty crazy stuff going on in my life. And maybe a little omakazi. That's fun, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cuz you can be like, oh, that. That was weird. I think those are cool. Or just burgers. I like to cook. We like to cook at home. Okay, so we'll do taco night or a little burgers on the grill.

[A]

So you. Chicken wings down. You got it down.

[B]

Yes. And you know, if I was out back in the day, if I was, you know, meeting up with men.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe a little fancy little bar.

[A]

Do you meet people in person or are you like a dating apps person?

[B]

I used to be a dating apps person.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I was on Raya for a second. Lol. And it's the same. You forget, like when you open Raya, it's still men. It's not like they're not men.

[A]

And it's usually the same people. It's the same people that have been on there forever.

[B]

Yes. And their photos are like headshots. And yeah, they all think they're so cool.

[A]

Yeah. The guys actually have like super professional photos. And it's weird to me.

[B]

Really weird. And they're all like creative directors living in Noida.

[A]

Musician.

[B]

Musician. I saw Elliot Page.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, I did too. Oh, yes, I've seen that.

[B]

I've seen that.

[A]

I've seen that.

[B]

I swipe right on any, like, famous person just to see because they are Topless, Right?

[A]

In their photos.

[B]

First one. Yeah.

[A]

You know, and it's like. Right, okay, okay, okay.

[B]

Did you swipe right?

[A]

I just kept. I don't know which way.

[B]

You don't know what to do because. Because if you say, you know, you're kind of like.

[A]

You're like transphobic. Yeah, yeah, I just. I said no is what I said. I said no.

[B]

I'm dying. Yeah. Okay. Word. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because I like medium ugly people.

[B]

Exactly. And he's too hot for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

So I had to pass.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

The sexiness was off the charts.

[B]

Through the roof. I was like, I want him inside of me now.

[A]

Yeah. All of them.

[B]

All of him. Loves all of she.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I would see little people like that. I went on a few Raya dates and they were kind of boring. They were kind of boring.

[A]

What do you do for a first date? Are you. Would you rather go have coffee and keep it light and chill or like.

[B]

Back in the day. I've been a year and a half not drinking. But back in the day would be drinking.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. So you meet up and you're like, wow, he's like really boring. Cause you built him up in your head.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

You created the perfect man in your head off of his photos and his Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn. Found his Reddit, you know.

[A]

Oh, yeah, okay.

[B]

So now I know this man. And then deep dive within 30 seconds, you're like, you're not who I thought you were. And it's weird shit. One guy, we met up at a bar, he's sober. Sober his whole life. But like played this weird thing where he's. He's 32 years old. He tried to act like he had never been in a bar before. He was like, the guy said, like, keep a tab open. I was like, I don't know what that means. Yeah, you do. Don't act.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

So then I started getting hammered in front of him.

[A]

Well, I would too. But if someone's like pure stone cold sober on a first date, that is hard.

[B]

Yeah, agreed.

[A]

So why.

[B]

Because he was just sober his whole life. And my alcohol.

[A]

So he's never had alcohol ever?

[B]

Yeah. And for. I know it's like mean. But I'm like, sus much rather be with a guy who like drank so much he has to be sober now. Same.

[A]

Yeah, like be sober because you have problems.

[B]

Agree. Cuz that's hot too.

[A]

Yeah. Then tell me your trauma, Tell me your story.

[B]

Totally agree.

[A]

And then have a shot with me.

[B]

Right. I can break you. And then he dumps you for like some girl he met in a. Yeah. So. Yeah, but you know, I would. I used to drink a lot on dates. Hinge dates. When I first moved to New York City, I would go on. Okay. Cupid dates and blackout. Yeah, fun. That's fun. But bad. So bad.

[A]

Yeah. That's not good.

[B]

No, because I would. I would drink more because the more you drink, the more fun you like. Fun they get too. Yeah, because you're like, oh, he's cooler now. Because I'm drunk as. Oh, when you first get there, you're like, I don't gotta him three drinks in. That's how it goes. So what you should do is a coffee date if you're an alcoholic. Like I should do because I can't stop when I start drinking. I.

[A]

At first. When I started dating because I've always been in really long term relationships and I go from like one monogamous relationship to the next.

[B]

That's how I am with like three little blackouts between.

[A]

Yeah. I have like these weird spurts in between where I'm like, oh, I'm free. I want to date everybody and see what's out there. And I'm like, really not gonna be serious. And then all of a sudden I'm serious.

[B]

And then someone scoops you up.

[A]

Yeah, Right.

[B]

That's how I am. It's been long term after long term. It's just hard to. I mean, obviously we're admitting that we're both catches.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Being scooped up by medium uglies left and right.

[A]

They're the ones to get.

[B]

I agree. They're very reliable. Consistent.

[A]

The bigger they are, the thinner you feel.

[B]

Absolutely. I love feeling tiny.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

Wanna date Hagrid? Pick me up, throw me around.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Catch me.

[A]

That's why Ellen did. Wait, Ellen. What was her last old last name? Paige.

[B]

Oh, Ellen DeGeneres, Ellen Page.

[A]

They'Re all the same.

[B]

This is eight vaginas hitting each other. They keep laughing. So I'm like, keep doing it.

[A]

They love you.

[B]

But Elliot Page. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Ellen's with Portia and poor.

[A]

Like, how do you feel? Thin around.

[B]

I know him. There are girls who are like, I love skinny guys. No need a. No big either. Bigger or like built as.

[A]

Yeah, I got it. You have to be bigger than me. Like a substantially bigger. I married a guy that wasn't bigger than me one time.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

And it didn't work.

[B]

Obviously it didn't work.

[A]

It didn't work.

[B]

And in terms of he would stand.

[A]

On his toes Sometimes when he would get, like, angry and I would call him out for it all the time.

[B]

You married Dave Fortnight.

[A]

I'd be like, you can't yell at me unless.

[B]

So stupid.

[A]

It's funny, though. But no, I never did. But he would get mad at me and I would tell him, I'd say, look, you cannot yell at me unless your heels are on the ground.

[B]

Hilarious.

[A]

Heels down.

[B]

Heels down. Heels down. At ease, boys.

[A]

And then he could continue yelling at me, but then I felt.

[B]

From the floor.

[A]

Yeah. From being at a ground.

[B]

No, never do that again.

[A]

Get down on your heels.

[B]

Yeah. Heel heal. Yeah. Little tiny dudes, they get. I think it's because their veins are shorter, so their blood boils fast.

[A]

Oh, it does. Yeah. And they just get so angry.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So was he. He was a yeller. Old yeller.

[A]

Yeah, he was old yeller.

[B]

You don't want to be with someone like. No, I'm like. I dated someone who was. Anger. Anger. 0 to 60.

[A]

I dated someone that was like very angry too, one time.

[B]

Bizarre.

[A]

And he was like a bigger guy. But then. It's scary.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, it's like, I don't want an angry person in general at all. It's funny if you're short, right?

[B]

Yeah. It's because then you hold your palm on their forehead.

[A]

Well, they just run. Yeah, they run like, in place.

[B]

Smoke starts coming out of the floor.

[A]

Then you date a tall, angry person. And then it's scary.

[B]

Yes, it is.

[A]

So you can't.

[B]

Yeah, the guy I had a three month stint with a dude who would go 0 to 60 at the drop of a hat. And you would. It's crazy how it forms your brain because you. You as the other person would just bend over backwards to avoid it happening.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

And then it would still happen. You go, I did everything to make sure that didn't happen.

[A]

And then it still happened.

[B]

Fucking screamed at me.

[A]

Were there drugs involved?

[B]

No drugs.

[A]

No.

[B]

Cold sober. Yep. Just full. Probably personality disorder. Some sort of vibe.

[A]

Just a mean person. That mean person.

[B]

Flip it on you, blah, blah. And I never dealt with, like, toxic before.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So at first you're like, oh, my God, the chemistry is insane. Then he's. Three weeks later, he's screaming at you.

[A]

The sex is great with angry people.

[B]

I know. But then it. But then they'll like, withhold sex. You ever know. You ever had that happen to me? No, I'm saying too much. Okay. No, this is all dark for.

[A]

No, but that's.

[B]

That's the dominatrix yeah, they'll be at the beginning, they'll be like, oh, we're fucking and we have compatibility. But then they'll like, try not. But this is like personality disorder stuff, I think.

[A]

But that's okay, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's cool.

[A]

I mean, people have personality disorders.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

I just don't.

[B]

I don't. I'm like, same all the time.

[A]

It's hard for.

[B]

Basically. How do I say it? You know when you're like 33 and you're like, am I bipolar? No. You would have known by now. You're like the same all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're functioning. Personality disorders is like uncontrollable flip flop, Right? What? I'm bombing this first date. I'm freaking out.

[A]

No, you're not bombing this first day at all. Okay, so what is. What is your deal? We're straight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is your. What is your personal, like, red flag? About you?

[B]

About me? I, you know, I was kind of ranting about angry guys, but I can get emotional too. And I'll pop off, but it's like 30 seconds. That's freaking out.

[A]

We're loud. We're allowed.

[B]

We can do that from us.

[A]

They can't do that.

[B]

Women. We're allowed to, like, pop off and get emotional and, like, freak out and then like. Yeah, period.

[A]

And then the guy is the coolest.

[B]

They're doing it. Yeah, they're doing it. We're supposed to be toxic and be like, where the fuck are you? And it's funny because he's like, answer your phone.

[A]

Hello my text messages.

[B]

But now they do that. And women, we were always having body dysmorphia. Now they have body dysmorphia. They are getting stomach aches. Guys have ibs. It's pissing me off.

[A]

I know.

[B]

They're taking all of our stuff back in the day and they're like, what?

[A]

We let you work.

[B]

I know you think I protested.

[A]

You wanted to work.

[B]

I know you wanted to vote. Okay, well, back in the day, you would have been in the trenches.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. You would have been drafted into the war. We would have been planting victory gardens. So that's how I feel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My personal red flag is I can be short circuited. I get it from my mother. So, you know, if I can't find a charger or a vape or if something pisses me off on the Internet that I see, like 0 to 60. 0 to 60 and then cool down. But I slam my loved ones with, like, anxious text sometimes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then it's like, fine the next an hour later. So I would say that, like, get ready for like a couple pops here and there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But if you just like, either ignore it or whatever, it's fine.

[A]

I pout.

[B]

I. Yeah. So, yeah, I can be a powder. I can be a powder. There's something that feels that. I know it's toxic. There's something that feels good to me about when your man. Your man fucks up, there's going to be like two, three year relationship with a man who's like your best friend. You met each other's families. Like, you are intertwined and he'll forget that you had something that night. And you're like, ooh, he fucked up. And now I get to be mad all day. I get to be mad at you. I get to be mad at you. What is that? That feels good about, like, when your man fuck and you love him and trust him and you're like, evil. You're evil. And you have to spend all day apologizing to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna mope around and, like, be weird and short with you and it's gonna feel good. Is that like. What is that?

[A]

That's my toxic trait.

[B]

I do that too. Like pouting.

[A]

I hate. I hate the feeling when I'm not getting over the pout. And I'm over it.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

And I'm, like, ready for it to be done. And, like, I want us to be good again, but I haven't received. Received, yes. The apology enough. And I, like, need it.

[B]

You need it? Roll over.

[A]

Yeah, roll over.

[B]

Emotions. So that's going to come in. Because you're going to hold that in your head. Well, he so.

[A]

And then I start getting, like, upset about it, and then the pout becomes, like, bigger.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And it's not so. Such a quiet pout. Then I'm like. Then I start slamming absolutely. Things.

[B]

Now it's getting violent.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. Plates are being tossed.

[A]

Willy Nilly's are getting louder around the house.

[B]

Tupperware is flying over my head.

[A]

Just throwing it, like, out of the. Yeah.

[B]

When you do that, does your man ignore or does he even try anymore? Because I feel like when you first start doing that in relationships, they. They're surprised.

[A]

Well, at first they're like, following you around. Oh, I'm so sorry.

[B]

I didn't mean to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now years in, they're like.

[A]

He's like, lauren, he's like, why are you mad? And I'm like, you don't know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought you.

[B]

No, it's you should know I'm not laying it out for you. Yeah, I'm not laying it out for you. And I'm really busy. You have a face. Face mask on. Like a mud mask.

[A]

I'm busy doing something over here. Yeah, yeah. No.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like the guys I date are very logical, so it's hard to pick fights with them because you want to be a little toxic biatch. But my ex boyfriend was a lawyer, so he would come to this shit with evidence. Dude, you could not pick a little toxic girl fight with that man. Well, like, Maddie, this does not make sense logically. A, B, C, F, CK me in the ass. I'm just trying to, like, feed into, like, my estrogen. Why are you being so, like, cut and dry?

[A]

Business, Even people in, like, finance, like, people with real jobs that make money that way. That's. That's a hard person to date, I think.

[B]

Yeah. Very logical.

[A]

They. They have. I can't win arguments very well. I'm not good at, like. I will build up a laundry list of things over time that bother me.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then I'll have this moment of, like, snapping, and they're like, give me an example of what I'm doing that you're talking about. And that laundry list that I have created somehow disappears. And I have no actual. I'm like, look, I can't think of anything off the top of my head. But there are so many things that you do that are like this. There's a bunch, but I can't think of it. And so I'm a terrible person.

[B]

I'm very similar in arguments. I'm very similar.

[A]

So I don't win them. I'll start them. I don't win them. And I'm like, whatever.

[B]

Well, yeah. What I do is I'll, like, fizzle out and be like, well, why you keep. Why. Why you keep harping on this? He's like, you started it. I'm like, well, whatever. Yeah, I'll whatever it.

[A]

I. Whatever. And I don't want to talk about it. And then I pout.

[B]

Yeah. And then.

[A]

Because I didn't win that.

[B]

Exactly. And then if they're over there doing something else, I'll be like, what's odd? Then, like, the silence is so loud.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That someone has to. But he's just living over there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then you're like, well. And he's like, what? And then he's like. And then you're like, should we get food? Cures it all right. Yeah, it does.

[A]

It's crazy how you can have a meal and then things are better.

[B]

Agreed. Yeah. Cuz most things come from just being a little bit hungry.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A little bit low on sleep. If I don't get enough sleep, I'm a fucking bitch.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Maybe kids aren't for you.

[B]

I know that's. That's a lot of it is like, I have my physical needs and kids do not align with him. I have a great routine right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wake up. Shit, coffee, empty stomach.

[A]

Yum.

[B]

Ride that high.

[A]

Yeah, that's a good high.

[B]

I know. Ride it until you can't hit a vape somewhere in there. First vape hit of the day. People wake up if they vape. I know. I should stop. It's like a fucking binky. People wake up and vape immediately. No, you have to edge. You have to hold off as long as you can till that first hit of nick at like 3, 4pm Shakes your core. Then you start. Start your day. She's gonna balk me after this date.

[A]

I'm not. I just. I feel you. There was a time in my life when I was there.

[B]

Yeah. I'm on and off and on and off.

[A]

I walked into a restroom the other day at a restaurant that I was at. I just got. I was traveling and I was in a. I was in the bathroom and there was only one stall and there was two girls in the stall and they came out and the girl, like, blew her. She like, hit the vape and then her friend opened the door and then she blew it out in the bathroom. And I'm like, God, I remember those days. I remember those days when I had to go in the bathroom and hit my little vape pen.

[B]

Isn't that the best? It was hit in the bathroom.

[A]

It was fun.

[B]

Finish your meal. Go in the bathroom, sit on the toilet.

[A]

No one knows that you, like. You just have your own little secret.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your own little secret corner.

[B]

Especially if it's a restaurant with the fully enclosed stall. Yeah. Oh, we're hot. Boxing that thing. Watermelon, guava, cherry, ice. Pull through. 20 minutes later, I get back to the meal. Sorry. Sorry. I was shitting. Oh, my God.

[A]

All right, we're going to. We're going to turn this boat. We're going to steer this boat in another direction.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

Pick a number. One through ten.

[B]

Two.

[A]

Pick another number.

[B]

What the hell? Okay, fine. Okay. Three.

[A]

I just feel like this is a question I always ask.

[B]

Okay, one. Do one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I'm number one.

[A]

Who should pay on a first date?

[B]

Boy.

[A]

Guy.

[B]

And every date to come every single date if you can put your. If you were putting your dick in me and inside my mouth and my pussy and maybe the asshole. You're paying. You're paying. That's how I feel. You know, you get into a relationship. Hey, you want me to get this?

[A]

I. No, no.

[B]

Okay, word. You agree?

[A]

I do agree.

[B]

I always. Okay.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay, cool. Yeah. Yeah, I think. Yeah. I don't even care if you're.

[A]

There's plenty of ways that I pay for things.

[B]

You're paying. Yes. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Pay for the food.

[B]

Yeah, I'm paying for. Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess. Yeah. I'm paying for shampoo. So you're paying for the food.

[A]

So you. You don't drink anymore, Correct. When you stopped a year and a half ago.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Why? Because you had too much fun.

[B]

Yeah. I black out. I black out and I, willy nilly, would go out and plan to be at a party for 20 minutes and then end up pissing my pants at 2am so it just. It's like one sip and I can't stop.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know why. I didn't realize it till last year, like, oh, you have a drinking problem?

[A]

Well, doesn't it come with denial at first?

[B]

Yeah. And you're like, well, I don't. I don't wake up and drink. It's like, only socially, when I'll, like, black out.

[A]

Yeah. And they're like, I just need to limit my drinks and I'm gonna do better the next day.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah. And then you still can. Anytime there was a gray area, I would just end up going on a bender.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I had to just cut it off. It doesn't add to my life. It would destroy my. Because I would get blacked the fuck out, throwing up all the next day. The last time I drank, I blacked out so hard, I threw up the entire next day. I had damage in my mouth from the bile.

[A]

Really? Yeah.

[B]

So it's. That kind of popped the blood vessel in my eye.

[A]

Yeah. Time to stop.

[B]

Yeah. I woke up that day, I said, it's time to stop. But it would be those sort of nights, like, over and over and over again.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Blacking out for what? It's not like I'm. I'm not even cool at a certain point.

[A]

It's not even fun.

[B]

I know. And you can't remember shit. I would spend more time focusing on what happened at that party than I was at that party. I'm like. I spent a week trying to remember what happened there. And Freaking out that I was a weirdo.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then you, if you go to party sober, you forget you even went. And they're not even fun. Yeah, it's not fun.

[A]

I know. Yeah, no, I haven't had. I haven't had like alcohol. I haven't been drunk in well over a year either because I've been pregnant and then I have a 5 month old, so it's been like about a year and a half.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Same time. Yeah. So.

[A]

And yeah, it's crazy when you go out with people and then they drink and you can see them change and.

[B]

You go, oh my God. I'm really annoyed right now. Oh, you guys are hammered. I forgot that that's what's happening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because everyone's acting really dumb.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you leave, because they're not gonna remember.

[A]

But I've never regretted not drinking the day after.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

I wake up and I feel good. I had a good night's sl.

[B]

Every night sleep, every night. Have never had sleep issues.

[A]

And I'm like, wow, my skin got better. Just. I don't know.

[B]

Everything got better.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I was drinking, my face was the size of the fucking moon.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You were just puppy.

[B]

Yep. Tiny eyes, Tiny little eyes. Crinkly little eyes with a big like a sand dollar you would buy at a gift shop at a beach.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Big dry face.

[A]

Did you lose a lot of weight after you stopped drinking?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I lost. I lost weight over the years. I was pretty chunky in my twenties. Not to brag. I was a thick white with no ass. Damn. Yeah, not to brag, but. But I. Yeah, I had lost weight. And then when I stopped drinking and like tighten things up, I guess. Yeah, I said tight like eight times already.

[A]

It's okay, I like it.

[B]

Yeah, it's a good word.

[A]

It's tight.

[B]

Yeah. Mm.

[A]

Keep it tight.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah. Not drinking.

[A]

What are your biggest turn offs? In bed.

[B]

In bed. Okay. I would say. Oh, you know what? I hate when you're like making out and you're like, ooh, this is the vibe. And then immediately he's trying to go for your pussy. I'm like, chill.

[A]

I might go down on you.

[B]

Just like immediately like pulling off and like trying to stuff in. It's like I need like finger banging is five minutes of teasing. Making out. Yeah, I need more. I just. When they go right for it. I'm freezing up. I'm freezing up. Cuz anything you do from here on out is not gonna get me any more wet. Cuz you frozen me.

[A]

Do you like music whenever you're having sex?

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Doesn't really matter.

[B]

It doesn't matter. But I'm kind of a. I'm like a white chick, so. No, I guess I don't really do music. I'm on. I'm on Wild N Out, so I've told them that my friends on there that I don't play, and they, like, lose it. Yeah, we always play music. You don't have to have my impression of black people.

[A]

That was probably the worst impression I've ever seen.

[B]

Yeah, I know. It was bad, wasn't it?

[A]

It was bad. Yeah. As long as you give me a better impression of a black person.

[B]

All right. You just.

[A]

What?

[B]

What's the deal with a.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not trying to get freaking.

[A]

Do you have any tattoos?

[B]

Woke as fuck. No tattoos. No tattoos. Nope. I'm. I'm really pale, so I feel like a tattoo on this shade. Respectfully, if you have one out there, it looks super white trash. Respectfully.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Very pale.

[A]

Like, glows.

[B]

Glows. Like. Yeah, like my mom has like a Celtic knot on her tit.

[A]

That's choice.

[B]

Hilarious. I know. It used to be a rainbow with a little cloud on the end that she got in college. She covered up with a Celtic knot.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. But no tattoos.

[A]

I mean, that's like. That's like barbed wire around the bicep.

[B]

Yeah, agreed.

[A]

You know what I mean? It's like. It's like a wild decision.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Like, what. What caused. I haven't kissed. I have a kiss tattoo on my butt.

[B]

Like, like, okay, cute. That's cute as fuck.

[A]

I. I like, reminds me of the pin up. Well, it's not pin up, but, you know, like the copper tone little girl. And then the dog is like pulling her panties and she's like, like. That's what I imagine whenever I'm like, love that is that I have this, like, cute little.

[B]

Cute.

[A]

But it's. I'll tell you when it's not cute when you're pregnant.

[B]

Right. How was your ass looking while you were pregnant?

[A]

It was big. It was big. It was like, just not. It wasn't cute anymore.

[B]

Yeah, but it's just you and your husband, so.

[A]

And at least it was on my butt. Like, I always forget that it's there.

[B]

Totally. Yeah. It's a little secret.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I think tramp stamps can kind of be funny and like camp.

[A]

They are funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Bless you.

[A]

Thank you. Oh, no. Usually there's like 20 of these.

[B]

Bring it on. Oh, sneeze so much.

[A]

We're ending that we're nearing the end of the show.

[B]

What?

[A]

I know. And there's.

[B]

We didn't even get through the appetizers.

[A]

I. I was just looking at all these fun questions and, like, we didn't even get to any of them because we had real conversation.

[B]

You can flash any question at me.

[A]

Do you want to try some rapid fire ones?

[B]

Yeah. Wet that throat. Get it hydrated. Get that Hto in there so you can freaking sloppy that top. What the hell? Sorry. Just trying to fill the silence as Lauren takes the biggest gulp I've ever seen in my life.

[A]

I was so thirsty.

[B]

It's Austin in July.

[A]

You know what it is? I sneezed into. My throat itched. And that's sparkling water. And so it kind of smells.

[B]

Scratch. Oh, yeah. You're like little dog.

[A]

Maddy, shut the up.

[B]

What? We're vibing.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'm nagging you.

[A]

Okay. Are you ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Irrational. I did read that twice. I was like. I glitched.

[B]

Irrational.

[A]

Irrational. Fierce.

[B]

Everything falling out from under me.

[A]

Like, on a. Like what?

[B]

My entire career falling out from under me.

[A]

Oh, okay. Everything, like, physically, like, the floor falling out.

[B]

Yeah, no, this shit's solid. Yeah, I can tell. Good foundation in this building. Definitely.

[A]

Just all of a sudden losing everything you built.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so cancel culture scares the shit out of you.

[B]

Maybe not even cancel culture. Like irrelevancy. Oh, my God. That was too honest.

[A]

That was good. Thanks. Good one.

[B]

Just like going out of. Yeah, good one. Thanks.

[A]

Go to Karaoke song.

[B]

I put your picture away.

[A]

Oh, isn't that Sheryl Crowe?

[B]

Yeah, and Kid Rock. Little duet. If I can get a dude to do it with me.

[A]

What is the second verse? I put your picture away I. I sat around something cried today Yeah.

[B]

I said change my way I can look at you while I'm lying next to her. Depends who it is.

[A]

It's Ellen. Paige, what do we say? Next to them?

[B]

It's Ellen and Elliot talking to each other.

[A]

God damn it. I keep saying Ellen. She looks like my mom's name is Ellen.

[B]

Her name was Ellen.

[A]

Oh, that's why I knew something was.

[B]

She's like. I keep wanting to call her Ellen.

[A]

Yeah, I forgot that there was a name.

[B]

Caitlyn Jenner. I keep wanting to call her Bruce. It's so. It's just weird. I don't know. Looks like a Bruce to me.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, you learn something every day. Every day.

[A]

Okay, two more questions.

[B]

Okay. There's so many good ones. Freaking.

[A]

Okay, fine.

[B]

Another one to 39, 33.

[A]

How many unread texts do you have?

[B]

I would say the number is probably in the hundreds.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But what does that mean, unread? Because a lot of it's just like your activation code is like the numbers. And then it's. I get a lot of spam from the Republican Party. For some reason, I'm a fucking libtard. And then it's like, friend, Mitch McConnell needs your help. So it's a lot of that. But for people who are like, in my DMs, and they're like, you probably don't see this. I see all of that. So unread, potentially.

[A]

Yeah. I will unread a. I'll read a message, unread it so that I can remember to respond to it and then forget to respond to it for months. And then eventually I'll get so tired of that number building up in my texts that I'll go through and respond. I'm like, hey, sorry for the late reply. It was like 2022.

[B]

All good.

[A]

Like, just getting to this.

[B]

Yeah. Missed you at my grandma's funeral.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, my dessert question.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?

[B]

Oh. Oh, that's a good one. Well, my boyfriend bought me a tv. That was pretty cool.

[A]

That's nice. Is that flat screen?

[B]

Yeah. Big lcd. LCD sound system.

[A]

Good. Good band.

[B]

I know, right? Daft Punk is playing at my house.

[A]

And Minus the Bear.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Those two go hand in hand.

[B]

Minus the Bear.

[A]

You never heard of Minus the Bear? They're good.

[B]

Of Two Bears, One Cave. I've heard of.

[A]

Oh, stop coaxing me.

[B]

The Bear on Hulu. I've heard of Grizzly Bear, the band.

[A]

So Minus the Bear is good?

[B]

Minus so good. Yeah. What was the question? I forgot. Oh, the sweetest thing someone's done for me. Yeah. Tv. Tv Someone bought you guys.

[A]

Did they hang it?

[B]

It's on a little table.

[A]

Is it a Sonic?

[B]

I don't date guys who can mount a tv. That's. You gotta go Staten island for that. I date men with soft, soft hands and. But they learn. They learn as they go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I would say that.

[A]

Yeah, is. Is romance.

[B]

That's a lame answer, isn't it? TV once. Sweet is like, oh, my God.

[A]

What is the sweetest thing you've done for someone?

[B]

Oh, I be getting sweet. Yeah. Every man who dates me should be honored. And it's.

[A]

Give me an example.

[B]

Well, it's. It's like you said, fighting with your boyfriend. I can't think of anything at the moment. But I got a whole laundry list of everything I've ever done for.

[A]

Are you romantic?

[B]

I am romantic. I write little notes. I think of what? I'm a good gift giver. I give dudes like good prints for their apartment. Framed stuff. Framed photos of us. Framed photos of us. Stuff like that. You know what I like when. When guys, when anyone guys do stuff without asking.

[A]

Yeah. Like thoughtful.

[B]

Yeah, I like, you know, it's hot to me. Like I got us two tickets to this next Friday since we're both in town. You're like, that's hot.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Without asking. Yeah, I like that. Sweetest thing I ever did for someone. Give them that.

[A]

I knew you were gonna say that. I knew I was like, what? Here she is talking about sucking dick and she's not gonna say anything special.

[B]

I know. Give it a two handed. A little tickle. Tickle on the ball sack. I'm saying swallowing. That's the sweetest thing I ever did. Let him. Let him come in my mouth. I know. Gross. I swallow once a year. Just remind myself why I don't. So, yeah, great. That's. That's it. Yeah.

[A]

I loved it.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where can people find you?

[B]

Oh, you can find me. So Maddie Smith on all the medias and I'm a touring comedian, so my website has all my dates listed. I'm all around.

[A]

Okay. What's your website?

[B]

Oh, mannysmithcomedy.com. oh, and I have a podcast called Madhouse.

[A]

Check her out.

[B]

If you're in New York, you should.

[A]

Pull through and go see her. Where are you going next?

[B]

I'm going to Tyler, Texas.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Dallas. Also nice freaking Portland. So lots of stuff. Lot of stuff. Check her out.

[A]

Go see her live. Thank you for coming on the show.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you guys for watching another fun episode. We'll see you next time.

[B]

First date.

[A]

Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommates.

[B]

Thursday.