Uncle Lazer's Big Confession | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: Uncle Lazer's Big Confession | First Date with Lauren Compton

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Host: Lauren Compton
Guest: Uncle Lazer (comedian, Drunk Uncle podcast host)
Date: October 7, 2025

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Overview

In this lively and unfiltered episode of First Date, host Lauren Compton sits down with comedian and viral content creator Uncle Lazer. The pair dive deep into dating histories, relationship red flags, wild life stories, sex confessions, and what (if anything) it would take to get Uncle Lazer to settle down. The conversation is equal parts hilarious, relatable, and jaw-dropping as Uncle Lazer shares unapologetic truths about his past relationships, his upbringing, his biggest turn-ons and icks, and the infamous "big confession"—his struggle with sex and relationship addiction.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Relationship History & Breakups

• Fresh Out of a Relationship:
  • Uncle Lazer reveals he's newly single after a year-long relationship, which started quickly when his girlfriend moved in after two months.
  • "She moved in at, like, two months, though. She shouldn't do that. ... You don't really [leave] the door open two months in." (01:06)
• Breakup Circumstances:
  • The relationship ended after she went through his phone and caught him cheating.
  • "Yeah, the flesh is weak and that’s on me. ... I’m a piece of shit." (02:08)
• Self-Reflection:
  • He admits to missing his ex and acknowledges he's not ready to be a good partner:
  • "I can’t even be with me." (02:34)

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2. Dating Attitude & Preferences

• Approach to Dating:
  • Lazer is not seeking anything serious; he’s about “just a good time."
  • "Let’s just be our best version of ourselves ... and just go on vacations, on carnival cruises, dancing to black people music. Just having a time." (03:33)
• Ideal First Date:
  • He prefers sushi at Lucky Robot, then something active like ice skating or rollerblading. (03:54)
• Drinking Habits:
  • Proudly admits, "I don't think anybody likes to drink, but, yeah, I’m really good at it." (04:10)
• Biggest Splurge:
  • Once spent $17,000 on Ric Flair’s original wrestling robe as a collector's item. (04:47–05:00)

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3. Upbringing, Identity, and Humor

• Background:
  • Grew up poor in a small Texas village, learned to “make do,” and is now enjoying some newfound comfort (painted toenails, bougie nail salons). (13:49, 14:21)
• Sports Skills:
  • Enthusiastic about many sports, claims he could have gone pro at bowling (avg. 210). Enjoys golf, fishing, and riding horses. (05:33, 14:46, 44:45)

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4. Physical and Emotional Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs

• Biggest Ick:
  • Bad hygiene and unappealing personal smell/pheromones.
  • "I'm real big on smells. If you smell not right, I can’t with you." (05:45–06:06)
• Attraction:
  • Needs intellectual and witty connection over just physical beauty.
  • "If I can't talk to you ... I just ain't got the time for it." (24:48–25:06)
• 'Good Girls' vs. 'Bad Girls':
  • Prefers "bad girls," insists most are found at concerts or in unpredictable places, not strip clubs or church. (07:18–07:42)

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5. Relationship Philosophy

• On Jealousy:
  • Dislikes and avoids jealousy:
  • "Jealous is an ugly color on people. ... Why be jealous? Just be better." (15:58)
• On Breaking Up & Exes:
  • Claims to stay friends with most exes, will help them if they need it.
  • "You don't ever travel waters that you've already surfed through." ... then admits, "All the time. I do." (18:37–18:52, 29:30)
• On Settling Down:
  • Will only settle when he’s done “living it up,” perhaps when age/erectile dysfunction set in.
  • "I'll be ready [to settle] when I get all my living out of me." (22:04–23:18)

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6. Sex & The 'Big Confession'

• Addiction Admission:
  • Comes out as being addicted to sex—"I'm gonna come out for the first time ever and say that aloud on air." (20:57)
  • Tied to his who-cares, in-the-moment approach: "I don't like saying no ... you never know who you're gonna meet."
• Wild Encounters:
  • Tells outrageous hookup stories, such as with an Israeli woman who cut him off mid-hookup to quiz his politics.
  • "My hand is in her vagina and she goes, 'Who’d you vote for?'" (27:59)
  • "If I meet Mark Zuckerberg on site..." (38:07)
• Sexual Preferences:
  • Not into anal ("I did it one time ... black ink shot out" OH), but enjoys oral/licking. (29:50)
• Open about STIs:
  • Discusses chlamydia, UTIs, and treatment in a no-shame, casual way. (09:37–10:23)

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7. Personal & Family Life

• Mother’s Influence:
  • Describes his mom as “built Ford tough,” likening much of his independence and issues in relationships back to her character. (22:04)
  • Shares the story of doing cocaine with her as a teen. (30:27)
• Kids & Fertility:
  • Unsure if he’s fertile, never fathered a child: "I never pulled out ... and I ain't got nobody pregnant." (25:31)
• Education & Career Shift:
  • Started in oil fields, then went viral online (18M TikTok views overnight) and transitioned into comedy after Kill Tony appearance. (33:24–34:07)

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8. Romance & Most Memorable Gestures

• Proposed at Disney World:
  • “I proposed to a woman at Disney World. ... In front of the Magic Castle at night.” She broke it off after going through his phone. (37:00–37:30)

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9. Philosophy & Life Advice

• On Communication:
  • “Communication [is key to a good relationship]. ... Once you break someone's trust... you're just climbing up a hill ... it only gets slippier the higher you go.” (38:20–38:38)
• On Self-Discovery:
  • Urges people not to settle young: "Live and then, once you get it all your system, find your person." (24:23–24:43)

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10. Memorable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 02:08 | Uncle Lazer | "Yeah, the flesh is weak and that's on me. ... I'm a piece of shit." | | 03:33 | Uncle Lazer | "Let's just party, huh? Let's just be our best version of ourselves and just go on vacations, on carnival cruises, dancing to black people music. Just having a time." | | 04:47 | Uncle Lazer | "I bought one of Ric Flair's robes for $17,000." | | 05:45 | Uncle Lazer | "If your hygiene's not good, like if your pH off or your breath smells like shit, I'm just really not into pheromones that much." | | 15:58 | Uncle Lazer | "I think jealous is an ugly color on people... Why be jealous? Just be better." | | 20:57 | Uncle Lazer | "I'm addicted to sex. I'm gonna come out for the first time ever and say that aloud on air." | | 27:59 | Uncle Lazer | "My hand is in her vagina and she goes, 'Who'd you vote for?'" | | 38:20 | Uncle Lazer | "Communication [is the key to a good relationship]. Once you break someone's trust, ... it only gets slippier the higher you go." | | 24:23 | Uncle Lazer | "I feel like we got everybody gets in a relationship so young and like we settle. ... you ain't even seen the world yet and you're going to pick this bitch that knows how to clean fish in this town." |

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11. Lauren’s Notable Questions & Moments

• Personal Shares:
  • Lauren discusses her own STI experience (09:37), pregnancy cravings and C-section story (40:06–45:17), frequently grounding the show in honest, taboo-busting conversation.
• Relationship with Her Baby:
  • Brief mention of her 7-month-old child. (40:09)

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Important Segments with Timestamps

• Breakup & Relationship Red Flags: 01:02–03:00
• Addiction & Sex Confession: 20:57–22:04
• "Who’d You Vote For?" Dead-stop Hookup Story: 27:59–28:40
• Philosophy on Love, Settling Down & Communication: 22:04–25:06, 38:20
• Wildest Purchase (Ric Flair’s Robe): 04:47
• Disney World Proposal: 37:00–37:30
• Lauren’s Birth Story/C-Section: 40:06–45:17

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Tone & Language

The entire episode is brash, comedic, uncensored, and high energy, packed with wild stories, sex references, and sharp one-liners. Uncle Lazer embodies the archetype of a wild Texas storyteller, veering between self-deprecating humor, shocking honesty, and heartfelt moments of wisdom.

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Conclusion

This episode is a wild ride through Uncle Lazer’s love life, deepest confessions, and singular perspective on relationships in the modern world. Both Lauren and her guest bring vulnerability and humor to taboo subjects, while never taking life—or dating—too seriously. This conversation is for listeners who want to hear unfiltered truths about love, sex, and what it really means to "not be ready," all with a healthy dose of self-awareness and laughter.

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Uncle Lazer online: [Instagram/TikTok: @unclelazer], Drunk Uncle Podcast, Punchup Live
Host: [Lauren Compton]

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait.

[B]

First date.

[A]

What is up, you guys? Thanks for tuning in to another episode of First Date. My guest today hosts a podcast called Drunk Uncle. You can also catch him doing stand up and at Punchup Live. Uncle Laser. Give it up for Uncle Laser.

[B]

Hey, thanks for having me, Lauren.

[A]

Thank you for coming on.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I think you have more tattoos since the last time I've seen you.

[B]

Yeah, I went back to jail for a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. So we're here. You know, like an eclectic freemason furniture you got in this motherfucker in here, dude.

[A]

I think. I think it was from Ozzy Osbourne's estate sale.

[B]

Really? Yeah. That's what. Look. Yeah. With the melted candle head. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I love it, dude.

[A]

Yeah. So what are you up to?

[B]

What am I up to?

[A]

What are you up to? Who are you dating? Who are you with?

[B]

I'm single at the moment. I just got a relationship.

[A]

How long was it?

[B]

It was like a year. Well, she moved in at, like, two months, though. She shouldn't do that. That's. We'd basically been pen pals and met her in Buffalo. She come to the show, and then she was moving to Texas anyways. I was like, don't move to Houston. That sucks. Just come see Austin, spend a weekend with me. And then she just. I was like, it. Move in. And you shouldn't do it like that. You don't really. With the door open two months in, you know what I'm saying? So, like.

[A]

But it lasted a year.

[B]

Yeah, but it was a strenuous year, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, but you just, like, learn about people that you shouldn't learn that fast about, you know, moving in. When you move in with someone, you're like, they're in your space and you can't get away from them. What did you learn about yourself that I don't like? We have co parenting styles. Like, we got a French bulldog. Dogs lived outside when I grew up, you know, so. But I'm not gonna put the dog outside. But if the dog has, like, is rubbing its ear on the ground, it's got an ear infection. We got to go to the vet. That's $600. I'm like, it's a dog. It'll be fine. Put some olive oil on it, you know.

[A]

How did you guys break up?

[B]

She went through my phone. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I'm a little bit of a. I'm not Gonna lie to you, Lauren, thanks for having me on on first date, but. Yeah, Yeah, I mean, look, the flesh is weak and that's on me. So, yeah, no, I'm a piece of. All right, yeah, let's get to the brat. So I learned a lot about me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Learned a real lot about me.

[A]

How fresh is this breakup?

[B]

I ain't spoke to her in like three weeks.

[A]

Do you miss her?

[B]

Yeah, all the time. She's a good person. I'm just not in a spot in my life where I should be dating somebody. I got too much going on, you know, I'm saying I don't have enough time for myself, let alone another human being. And I can't really give her what she needs. But, I mean, she's awesome person. I hope for the best. I'm like, we just got a clean break. You got to stop, though, because you wouldn't let me break up with her. She's like, I can be with you. I go, you can't. You cannot be with me. I can't even be with me. You know what I'm saying? Like, let me just let me fall off the cliff and rise from the ashes and give me my best time.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

You know what I'm talking about?

[A]

So what are you gonna do now? What is your goal? Are you shit?

[B]

I think I'm gonna be gay for a little bit.

[A]

I don't think.

[B]

Just try that on for size. I'm walking around.

[A]

Monica, your haircut doesn't say gay.

[B]

It does not now. My mom did that in the garage. The perm smell. Can't do them in the house.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, it smells like a foot. Like a fart. Like sulfur.

[A]

Yeah. Your hair is not naturally curly.

[B]

No, it's wavy. But I do the perm to make it like just, you know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. What do you look for in a relationship?

[B]

Just a good time. Just a good time. You know, I feel like everybody gets in a relationship and they. Let's start telling what they can't wear, what they can't do. Let's just party, huh? Let's just be our best version of ourselves and just go on vacations, on carnival cruises, dancing to black people music. Just having a time. That's what I want to do.

[A]

Where do you go for a first date?

[B]

I'm big on sushi, so I like the lucky robot so they can see I got a little bit of taste. I'm cultured.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, because you can't get that with like the cut off sleeve and the haircut. But Yeah, I like that. And maybe like ice skating or some like that, rollerblading, something like that.

[A]

That sounds fun.

[B]

Yeah, it's a lot of fun, dude.

[A]

Do you like to drink?

[B]

Yeah, I'm good at it. Really good at it. I don't think anybody likes to drink, but, yeah, I'm really good at it.

[A]

What's your favorite. What's your choice? Choice of your drink of choice? Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Peanut N. A what? A peanut nanor. Like. Like a nice glass.

[A]

I thought you said a peanut.

[B]

No, I never had that. Was that.

[A]

I don't know. So I was like, what's a peanut?

[B]

Yeah, no, like a good bottle of wine.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I'm cultured. I don't look like a shapes and colors guy, but your boy likes high end.

[A]

Yeah. What is the most amount of money you've ever spent on a single article of clothing?

[B]

I bought one of Ric flair's robes for $17,000. What? Yeah, one of his original robes that he walked out in in the wwe. I don't wear it around. It's like a collector's item, but it's still an article of clothing.

[A]

What do you do with that?

[B]

I just put it up, put it on a big frame and look at it every morning when I get up.

[A]

Wow, that is really cool.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Where's your favorite place to travel to?

[B]

Oh, that's a hard one. Like vacation or like touring?

[A]

Vacation.

[B]

Vacation. There's a small island off the coast of Panama called Bokos del Toro, which means Mouth of the Bull. It's like this big surf spot, and we got like, land down there.

[A]

Do you surf?

[B]

I mean, I'm not like Kelly Slater, but yeah. I mean, I get up and hit some waves, you know? Know what I'm saying?

[A]

What other sports do you do?

[B]

Everything. Bowling. I'm a. I could have went professional. I could have professional bowling. I averaged like a 210. Golfing? Yeah, like that. Anything, really.

[A]

Wow. What is your biggest ick.

[B]

Ick? If your breath smell like. If your hygiene's not good, like if your ph off or your breath smells like. I'm just really not into pheromones that much. You know what I'm talking about?

[A]

Let's say you meet the hottest girl in the world and she does a nice big stretch, and you see she doesn't shave her armpits. What are we doing?

[B]

I mean. I mean, you just have to assume that she probably didn't shave her either. Okay. And that's. That's okay because I don't Shave my. Neither either. You know, I've been having hair on my since hey, Arnold was on Nickelodeon. Okay, I'm not big on the hair, but I'm not gonna let it deter me. But if you smell like. I'm real big on smells. Like. Yeah, if you smell not right, you know, like I'm just like. I can't with you. You know what I'm saying? It's just. And some of it, it's just their smell. It's not even like a bad smell. It's just like there they say that pheromones. If you smell someone who you're like kind of icked by they killed you in a previous life.

[A]

Really?

[B]

That's what I read. I don't know that to be a fact, but.

[A]

But dang.

[B]

Yeah, pheromones.

[A]

Do you believe in astrology?

[B]

Yeah, I dated a witch. So I know about all the little houses and sons and all that.

[A]

What's your sign?

[B]

I'm a Libra with a capricorn rising sun and asparagus or some. I don't know, but she told me a couple times. Yeah, she was a witch. I loved her. She had a like a snap and turn. We hung out all the time. I did a bunch of dumb toxic love makes you do really stupid guy sh me. Stabbed me with a knife and blame it on the full moon. I'm like, that was not the moon. Stop taking medication. He started micro dosing mushrooms. You idiot. I love you. Come here.

[A]

Do you like good girls?

[B]

No, absolutely not.

[A]

Where do you find bad girls?

[B]

Church?

[A]

What? Strip clubs.

[B]

Now see, most of the women strip clubs, they. They just there to do their job. I'm not trying to. You know what I'm saying? Like, they're working. I'm not gonna be. I don't want them come to my job and heckle me at work, you know what I'm saying? So you know, I don't know, honestly. Concerts. Really? Concerts?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that's where you find them. Like out in the, you know, in the wild on like a three day festival of Bonnaroo or something. Just lit up. Oh yeah, really Find yourself and find your person there too.

[A]

Have you ever been to Burning Man?

[B]

I've never been to Burning Man. I don't know if I want to go or. You got a barter and be out in the desert. That don't sound fun.

[A]

It doesn't sound bougie at all.

[B]

Well, now I've seen because I got some homegirls that went down there the other day and they took Like a big ass rv and it was nice. And I'm like, oh, because you are glamping. You know, I thought y' all put, like, stakes in the ground and put a, like, tarp up or something, and, like, that's what we're doing for the.

[A]

There's, like, levels of it, I guess.

[B]

Yeah, I guess. It's like anything in life, too.

[A]

But I'm not a desert person.

[B]

I like fucking sand.

[A]

I don't want to be in the desert.

[B]

Didn't it rain this whole past year there? And it was just a big mud pit.

[A]

It was horrible. Like, people just stuck. No, I don't me.

[B]

That's not you.

[A]

Do I look like the kind of person that would go to Burning Man?

[B]

I don't know. I think Burning Man's open to everybody, though, right?

[A]

I look like the kind of person that ends a friendship with someone who goes to Burning Man?

[B]

The audacity of this bitch dragging me out here. Yeah, yeah, I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying.

[A]

This is not the vibe.

[B]

Yeah, no, no, no. You're not a big concert go, right?

[A]

I like concerts.

[B]

But you like to go home after. You don't like to stay the night.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not trying to be barefoot now and connect.

[B]

Hell, yeah, dude. Hey, you like what you.

[A]

No. But I had a guy try to tell me one time that I should walk barefoot in the desert, and he's like, you know, it's good to connect with the earth. And I'm not saying that. It's not like there is something that you can get that's like, grounding about that.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But also, there's bugs and there's things that you can step on. There's like. What are those little. Those. Those bristly things that are sticker bags?

[B]

Wait, no, not that.

[A]

Whatever. Dirty things. No, not my vibe. I'm a pretty clean person.

[B]

I like that. I like that.

[A]

Except for the one time I got chlamydia.

[B]

How was that? I got UTI the other day. I didn't know. I thought that was a lady disease.

[A]

A uti? Anyone can get a uti.

[B]

I didn't know that. And they're like, my kidneys up real bad. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That sucks. My guy cheated on me and I found out I got chlamydia. And you have to take a pill and then it goes away.

[B]

They don't give you the shot in the butt.

[A]

No, you don't get a shot. You have to take a horse pill.

[B]

And then you have to go Back like a dewormer.

[A]

It's like a giant horse pill. But you take it. You don't stick it up your butt.

[B]

I've taken it before.

[A]

It sucks.

[B]

They gave me a shot. I got the shot, too. I got the double D. There's a shot. The shot was easy to put it in your butt and you're done. You have to swallow that gigantic horse warmer.

[A]

I'd rather take a shot.

[B]

Yeah, it's easier. In and out.

[A]

Yeah. I didn't get a shot. I just had to take a gigantic horse pill.

[B]

What happens if chlamydia is left untrained or, like, chlamydia is left.

[A]

I can't. I can't kill you. But, like, for a girl, it can make you infertile.

[B]

Oh, well, that's like nature's birth control, ain't it? That's okay.

[A]

But you can't, like, just get off of it, you know?

[B]

Oh. It's not like a pill.

[A]

It can, like, really. With your ovaries and stuff.

[B]

I know syphilis can kill you because Benjamin Franklin died of syphilis.

[A]

He did?

[B]

Yeah. You can Google that. Swear to God, I'm not making that one up.

[A]

Do you know a lot of facts like that?

[B]

I feel like you're a bunch of random dude. You ever, like, walk into a bar and you see all the dollar bills on the ceiling and, like, behind the bar, and it's got, like, written all over the dollar bills before. You know where that comes from?

[A]

No.

[B]

When the cowboys used to drive their cattle from downtown, like, Mexico and South Texas, up to the stockyards when they get there and they got, like, a payday for their cattle, they take a dollar out, write their name on it, had the bartender put it up behind the bar. So that way, the next year, if they came back and they lost their cattle to, like, predators or natural floods and like, that, they still didn't make that whole trip when they could still get drunk because they didn't have no money for bringing in no cattle.

[A]

Really?

[B]

That's where that comes from? Yeah.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

I know a bunch of weird.

[A]

That is really wild. Let's see.

[B]

All right. Is that a menu? Do we get to order, like, chicken tenders or. What is this?

[A]

I wish we did order chicken tenders. These are some of my favorite questions.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I feel like I'm only gonna have to ask you one or two, and then it's just gonna go from there.

[B]

Your go to karaoke song Depends on the vibe. Like, if it's. If I'm around a Bunch of black people going to do R. Kelly remix to Ignition. That seems to be a hit. If I'm around like a bunch of them white kids, emo kids, I'm going to do miss you by Blink182.

[A]

Okay, so you're a crowd pleaser.

[B]

Oh, I play to the crowd. Yeah. And if I'm like with a bunch of country folk, then I'll do. If I add two dozen roses, little Shannon doa. You know, tell them about the one that got away. You know, talk about.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Have you ever won a competition?

[B]

I got. So I went on a cruise to Alaska when I was like 22, and they had like a replica of the Voice, like on the cruise ship where like the captain and like the first mate are in the chairs and you do a karaoke song with a house band and they turn their chairs. I got second place in it. I didn't win it, but.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you ever won a raffle?

[B]

Like a. Where they pull the tickets out?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I want a gun.

[A]

You. Someone gave you a gun?

[B]

Well, yeah, at the. At the Hunters ball, like every year. Like you buy the.

[A]

You want a gun?

[B]

I want a 30. A 30. 30 lever action rifle.

[A]

Do you still have it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, still shoot all the time. Kill deer with it.

[A]

Wow. Where do you kill deer?

[B]

I mean, there's. It's Texas, you know, I got a deer lease. I mean, there's more shit to Texas in Austin. I mean, I'm not shooting homeless though. We should. God, we got a problem downtown. I hate him. I mean. And nobody's doing anything about it. Dude, I saw a woman standing up, titties out herself, sleeping at the same time in the middle of the day.

[A]

That's not funny.

[B]

It's. It's.

[A]

Yeah, it's a problem.

[B]

It's a problem.

[A]

It's a problem.

[B]

But, you know, whatever. So, yeah, we hunt deer and stuff. It's not a big deal.

[A]

Yeah. Do you like girls who hunt?

[B]

I mean, I like a woman knows how to clean a fish. That's just because it's convenient, you know, Clean a fish. Like, you know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Meat out of the fish.

[A]

Have you met a girl who knows how to clean a fish?

[B]

They all know how to. I mean, not up here in Austin, but where I'm from, they all do. Yeah.

[A]

Where are you from?

[B]

I'm from a little small village about hour south of Houston.

[A]

And they clean fish.

[B]

Man. We grew up poor. We like cook the cat. The actual heads. My grandma used to bowl the heads and Soup and like that.

[A]

There's something too. Growing up poor, you seem niftier.

[B]

Well, you have to learn how to do without, you know, we got to make do, so to speak. Right, right. And builds a little callus over you. So. Yeah, makes you tough. Now my toenails are actually painted, so I'm not that tough. Let's see. Check it out. Fourth of July red.

[A]

Oh, those not greatness.

[B]

You have better feet than most women I have sex with. It's crazy.

[A]

Wow, they're all. They sparkle.

[B]

Yeah. Fourth of July red. Who.

[A]

Where did you get those done?

[B]

The little Asian lady place by my house.

[A]

You went to the nail salon and had your toenails done? Is that gel?

[B]

Yeah. They're gel too. Yeah. They're jail too. Yeah, I'm a bougie ass. I got a little money now. We doing just fine, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

What's your favorite sport?

[B]

To play or to watch?

[A]

To watch. Oh.

[B]

Probably golf. Really? That sounds weird. But like now that I play it, I'm like. When I see them do like really high end, I'm like, I'll never be able to do that. And I like. You just watch it and you can just fall asleep to it. Yeah, really pleasant. It's really pleasant. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean football, like live football. But like if I'm at the house, I'm going to watch golf. Soothing.

[A]

What. What turns you on the most about a girl?

[B]

Like physically or like, like mentally?

[A]

Like when you're stimulating.

[B]

I like when I can have a conversation with a woman and she's witty as. That turns me on. Because there's a. But like, like most attractive women, you can say, boy, there's some of them rare heads, the retards. Okay. And that's okay, baby girl, because you got a nice set of tits. You go, how you get there? Ain't none of my business. You just gotta get there. And I don't knock anybody for that. Listen now, but I like when I can with a woman back and forth. Like we can read a room together and we'll be around people. We can look at each other and be like, look at this, these idiots. And we don't even have to say it. I like like that.

[A]

Do you get jealous easily?

[B]

No. I think jealous is an ugly color on people. It's like gray. It's just, it's like, look, dude, look, if, if. Why be jealous? Just be better, you know? Be better than that person you're jealous of, Right? You want no reason to be Jealous, right? It's like everybody's gonna love everybody, you know, it's like. Whereas you just say, hey, you're not supposed to like, I'm just like, hey, man, let's just all have a good time. If you want to be with me and take the time, you want to make the effort to be with me, then let's do that. Because love is selflessness. So that means you ain't got to be worried about nobody else but ourselves. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I actually work for Hallmark on my days off too. I write greeting cards.

[A]

Where do you. Where would you never take a girl on a first date?

[B]

So when I was in high, I probably never do this again. I have tagging a girl here and it's just now it seems a little childish, but back then it was all we had. We used to do this game, we call this game, it's called Critter, Critter. When I'm like 17, 8 years old, we drive down dirt roads, you know, at night, and we go gigging frogs and like that. But every time we saw like a critter, like a rodent run across the road, we'd both take off an article of clothing. And you do that until you get butt, ass naked. Then you're in the back of the truck. So I probably wouldn't do that again.

[A]

Did you only do that once?

[B]

A handful of times. We got a lot of dirt roads where I'm from. A lot of dirt roads.

[A]

What kind of girl agrees to play this game?

[B]

They know how to clean fish, those types.

[A]

Right, right, right. Cleaning fish type.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's kind of romantic, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not really. No.

[A]

How many relationships have you been in that have been serious?

[B]

Like how many times I've been to love?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Three times. Two times. Really?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The first, the one in the early years, you're just a kid, you know, and then the first time is like, shows you what you're capable in love. How much you can love somebody or what love is. And then your second one is with the witch. That's the one. You really test yourself how much you really can go through to put up with a person. Shit, because you love them, that's usually the one you get to hurt the most. And then the third one, I haven't found that one yet.

[A]

So do you prefer to break up with someone or have someone break up with you?

[B]

Well, I mean, I'm getting broken up with. You just kind of like, fuck, that came out of nowhere. You Know what I'm saying? Like, I'd rather do the break, you know, I. I'd rather not break up at all. But life happens, you know?

[A]

How do you break up with someone?

[B]

I just, you know, I changed my phone number and I never talk to them again because I don't want to have to go through that awkward moment of being like.

[A]

You do not?

[B]

No, I. Not. I just. Hey, this is what I think it is. And I sit down, we sit down, we have conversation, we get that one last out and you're just. There we are. You got to have that goodbye fuck, right?

[A]

Do you go back to an ex?

[B]

No, dude. You don't ever travel waters that you've already surfed through.

[A]

So you've never gone back to an ex?

[B]

All the time. I do. Yeah. Dude, they're my. They're my core. You know what I'm saying? Dude, they know me. Yeah.

[A]

How do you meet girls?

[B]

Well, dude, I'll tell you what, that Internet's a weird thing. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Like, is this your weird way of saying the dms?

[B]

It's weird, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not, you know, don't be wrong. I mean, a lot of them off of there, too. But I, you know, I don't really do the dating apps. I never even really did that. Even before all the, like, I just. You're right there, dude.

[A]

Miss my mouth?

[B]

Yeah. Jesus. Dude, I don't do the day naps. I mean, I go to the bingo halls every now and again. You can find a couple women in there, but I just go out and if I see someone I like, I go tell them that they're the most prettiest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And they might be the cure for cancer, you know, And I want to be a part of that.

[A]

Do you like older women?

[B]

I love them.

[A]

I can tell. You going to bingo halls?

[B]

Yeah. Just road hard and put up wet, you know what I'm saying? But like a specific type older woman, like one that, like, she got a couple kids, but back in the day, she was a first round draft pick, but now she's got to try every snap, you know, 110 to make the practice squad. And I like that because that's a giver. I like that.

[A]

I had a really good question.

[B]

God damn it. Then you spill water on your titty. What are we doing here, guys?

[A]

It was. It was whenever you said that you liked older women.

[B]

What's the oldest woman I've ever been with? 65. Peeled this guy back, got after it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes. She was like menopause or wherever. When it dries up, I don't know. It makes you lesbian. Hell, I don't know.

[A]

Wow. Was it Was. Did you like that?

[B]

Different, you know, different. Like you ever jump your cannonball into a kiddie pool and scrape your knee on the concrete?

[A]

Ow.

[B]

Ouch is right, dude. But she's a good lover. Hands of leather turned to velvet in the touch. You know I'm talking about Garth Brooks. Yeah.

[A]

Do you ride horses?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I grew up. My granddaddy broke horses, so I grew up riding horses with him and.

[A]

Okay. Do you have any addictions?

[B]

I mean, you could say I have a lot, but I really, I like really. I'm like, I'll do some really toxic for really good I'm. And I pro. I think I'm addicted to sex. I'm gonna come out for the first time ever and say that aloud on air. Like I just do. I'll just. Hey, I probably should go to bed. I got a lot of I gotta do tomorrow. Nah, let's go meet that girl out and just go get up and like get. Be in a sex coma and not go to bed. Yeah, I have an addiction. Women.

[A]

But you're looking for a good time, right?

[B]

Yeah, I mean I'm just, I don't like, I don't say no to. Because you never know who you're gonna meet, where you're gonna go, how, what's it going to lead to. Everything is networking all the time. Life is your stage. And like I can't make memories. I'm at the, when I'm at the house sleeping, you know what I'm saying? Like, let's live. I worked in the oil field for 12 years at four month increments at a time and go home for like two weeks and work. I spent my entire 20s on an oil rig, wasting the prime of my life. I'm like, yeah, this, let's go. Let's go see a man about a horse. Let's get after this.

[A]

So what if you fall in love? I guess this just kind of happened to you, right? You're in a year long relationship, she went through your phone, she found out that you were cheating, but you're in love. So when do you. When do you put the brakes on?

[B]

When I become a adult and I get all my living out of me. You see what I'm saying? It's not, it's not some woman's. It shouldn't be some woman's Issue to try to fix the. That's wrong with me and you know where it stems from. I could self diagnose it or pretty good at it. My mom all Metallica in the 90s, okay? She's built ford tough, all right? She's got a goddamn. She had a goddamn landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I have this haircut, you hear me? But look, my mom was my best friend, okay? She was never like a dominant female presence in my life. So anytime I like get in a relationship with someone, they tell me I can't do something like, hey, you don't need me going out that late. I'm like you, I'm a grown ass man. I have a problem with that. And until I can make reconcile with like one not wanting to go out as much and like feel like, all right, I've lived, now it's time to relax. Then I'll be ready. Until then, I'm just going to be. I'm not, I don't like hurting people, but I like. So I just like, I'm just here to have a good time. If you want to take a shot at the title for one weekend, I'd be the greatest weekend of your life. But I. If you got a flat tire on the side of the road, I would drive over there and fix it for you because I, I got love for you. But if you want to call me every day, invent about Cheryl at work, I can't do that, I'm too busy.

[A]

What do you think that ever in the future. What? When in the future do you think that the time would come that you settle down?

[B]

Probably when I saw the erectile dysfunction starts setting in and then you just can't have it on demand anymore. So then you got to go through that with somebody. I'd rec. You know, I would reckon. But I don't know. I mean, you meet, if I meet one, I'm just like, there is no one ever that is ever going to come close. You know that witch, the witch I'm telling you about, the horoscopes. I stopped talking to friends, I stopped talking to family. I was immersed in her. So I know I'm capable of that kind of love. I, I never cheated on her, never did none of that. I turned it all off for her. But then I became a shell of myself. Cuz then it got to the point where it's like she was, she had the BPB or what is that, the bipolar? Not the bipolar, the personality disorder. The borderline there it Is yeah. I bought a book, we went to therapy. So I know how to do it. I know how to be a man in a relationship. I know how to be a one type person love. But I it's boy, what's the most stressful times you've ever had in your life? It's been in a relationship. Has it? Can you boil it down? Like some of the most stressful anxiety written things is like you find out your partner shooter. You find out you have chlamydia because your partner cheated on you. Isn't that like that overwhelming stage? Like why the am I dealing with this?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like we got everybody gets in a relationship so young and like we settle. I still know people from high school that got married in high school, have kids and it's just like you ain't even seen the world yet and you're going to pick this that knows how to clean fish in this town. So like live and then once you get it all your system find your person.

[A]

What is your type?

[B]

I like, I really don't have a type. I like, like, I just like if, if I can, if you can stimulate me mentally. Like, like we can, I can, we can lay in bed after sex and have like a dope ass conversation and cut up and laugh and giggle. That that's what I'm attracted to. If you're hot and got big titties. I probably won't even go home with you to be honest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I can't talk to you like I, I just like ah. Hey, I see what you're doing, baby girl. This is awesome. And you probably look great naked, but I don't want to do all that. I just ain't got the time for it.

[A]

Are you an only child?

[B]

I. No. I got a brother. I got a kid brother.

[A]

Is he like you?

[B]

Yeah, well, yeah, kind of. I mean we talk the same. He's a farmer. He used to be in a rock and roll band. He's damn near married. So a little different.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want kids?

[B]

I'm. I'm indifferent on it. If it happens, sure. If it, if it don't. But I don't think I'm fertile, to be honest because I never pulled out of a driveway and I ain't got nobody pregnant, hear me? So I'm pretty sure. I mean I never had it tested, but I've just been blowing loads and everybody and nothing's happening really. Because I was like, I need kids. I'm running out of time, you know. But then it, I Guess it's women get to 35, the chance of them being able to get pregnant, it significantly goes down. It don't work like that for men. I don't think you can give somebody pregnant till you're like, 80.

[A]

You also never know if a girl's taking plan B, so it might not be you.

[B]

I don't think they should do that.

[A]

Take Plan B?

[B]

Yeah. I think that. I don't think they should take birth control either. Because, I mean, dude, I don't even want to go down the whole women religious rabbit hole abortion, but, like, boy, they put you. Them religion people, they put you on a tight spot telling y' all y' all can't get rid of no baby, or y' all y' all can't take birth control. And I. I don't know. I don't. I don't understand all that.

[A]

So if you had a baby, you would be down?

[B]

Yeah, if the woman wanted to do it. I mean, I would rather not do it right now, this moment in life, like, at this. So I've been blowing loads of women right now because now I'm trying to get on pulling to come up. You know what I'm saying? So, like, this is like, I don't want to do it now. That'd be hard. But, yeah, eventually, sure.

[A]

Have you ever been with a foreign woman?

[B]

Like a Pakistanian or like, someone. What are you saying?

[A]

I mean, that is technically foreign, but.

[B]

Like, I'll tell you this.

[A]

A French girl, an Italian girl in England.

[B]

So I was in LA the other day, and I was at some kind of little industry party or whatever downtown, and I met a Jewish woman, okay, with the curly hair. She was a banker. She's from Israel or whatever their place is they're born. And I never really seen no Jewish people before. Like, I've never. I mean, where I'm originally from, we put them in, like, summer camps and, you know what I'm saying? So I never really seen a Jew before, you know, And. And check this out. I swear, God, this is true story. I'm not even making this up. This dead, like, dead ass. And I ran the bar, talking. And I used to own a couple houses, but, I mean, I made a lot of money in Oilfield, so I know numbers. I look like a shapes and colors guy, but I know math, okay? And we're talking interest rates. And. And it's turned her on. You know how them Jews are. And she's like, you want to come out here and dance with me? And I just taking a Little Molly. So I was like, yeah, I'll go out there and dance with you, you know. And we're dancing and she's like, you want to kiss me? I was like, hey, I want to kiss you, Jerusalem. And like, we start making out and we go by the bar and we sit down and we sit down and we get a drink. She has a skirt on. She takes my hand and puts up her skirt and rested on her clitoris and we start kissing. And in the middle of us kissing, I'm finger blasting her tears. She goes, wait, who'd you vote for?

[A]

Really?

[B]

At dead ass. My hand is in her vagina. And she goes, who'd you vote for? And I'm like, well, you know, I'm a felon. I didn't vote for anybody, you know, but, you know. And she's like, would you vote it for Trump? I go, well, you know, I don't. I can't vote, you know, but my fingers in your. So, yeah, probably so. And then she like, I cannot with you. Got up in disgust you and walked away and would not talk to me the rest of night. And I got in a Uber and he told me there's like a pack that these girls made out in la. Like, if you. They, you look or act or like, voted for Trump, they will not you. And he's got. He's in a Tesla. People will order his car seats a Tesla and cancel it right on site. They were like boycotting the out of it over there. So anyways, yeah, I've been with foreign women.

[A]

Did this situation turn you on?

[B]

Extremely, Extremely. Because you always want. You can't have, right? And honestly, I'm like, yo, we just let with me and I grow. I was probably gonna get in there and just rearrange them guts, you hear me? For old time's sake, you know, for the motherland, you know, but like, we're gonna let a political. And I didn't even vote. I really didn't vote. I've never voted in my life. Like we're gonna let that ruin the evening. Very upsetting. My foreign policy is, you know.

[A]

What did you do after that?

[B]

Went home, jerked off. Like anybody.

[A]

How fast does it take you to bounce back?

[B]

Oh, I just need like a warm glass of milk. I get right back after it again, 100%. Yeah, yeah. I'll just roll over and go to bed. We'll get after it.

[A]

Do you still talk to your exes?

[B]

Most of them, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I. I try to remain. Cuz look, if I like you and date you. It's. I obviously like you as a human being, like as a good person. Just cuz you're. You're not my person doesn't mean you're know a good person. And so yeah, you know, if they need help or anything, I'm all. I'm. I don't. I'm not. I have will ill against anybody.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's better that way.

[A]

Is there anything that you're not into?

[B]

Anal? Yeah.

[A]

Not your vibe.

[B]

I did it one time with this woman in Ohio in a hot tub and she shot like I pulled out a little black ink shot out and she just goes. Starts screaming and runs and it just. And I got pulled over after I left. Shit's all on. It was. It was bad.

[A]

That's terrible.

[B]

I'm not really into it. I mean I like Lickable butt. Oh, but I'm not. I want to get all ravishing in there.

[A]

Do you listen to music while we do it? Huh.

[B]

I just like hearing each other mouth breathe on each other. I like that. It's more intimate almost.

[A]

Do you cook?

[B]

Huh? Oh, yeah. I mean I grill but I mean I learned how to cook because my mom taught me like. Like I know how to do like cooking, baking, all that. Hey. First time I ever did cocaine. I don't know if we can say on your podcast, but I said it. We'll get in post. First time I ever did cocaine, I was failing Home Ec when I was 14 and my mom went to the bar and got an eight ball. We did cocaine all night. And she taught me how to bake and she taught me how to sew on a sewing machine. And she taught me when we play backgammon under candlelight the entire night. It's the best mind of my life.

[A]

How much of what you're telling me is true?

[B]

All that's true. About 90 of everything I've told you today is true.

[A]

Wow. Why? You said you're a felon.

[B]

That was a false lie.

[A]

When is the last time you went to jail?

[B]

It's been years for like.

[A]

So you're a good. Yeah, I mean you're not a bad.

[B]

I just look a certain type of way. And that's by just. I mean, this is me. I walk around like I walk around ash candy. I'm at the house like this all the time. But I mean, I'm not a retard. I just look like it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's better that way because then when you. When you look at me, you're like that boy's Dumb. Well, you've done loss because you underestimate.

[A]

I don't think you look dumb.

[B]

Not dumb, but you. I look. You look like you get into a lot of trouble and now look, don't leave me wrong. I know how to find it, but I'd rather not. It's. It's easier to have a good time than it is. You can, you can attract more flies with honey than you can.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

You know what I'm talking about. So like just be nice to people. Just be kind. Now disrespect me, I'll bite his nose off, you know, but like I'm not looking for that anymore. Used to in my 20s, go out to the bars and try to fight and it's just stupid. Don't do that.

[A]

How many close friends do you have?

[B]

4.

[A]

Have they been your friends for a long time?

[B]

Longer than seven years. All of them. Okay, that's when psychology says that if you know someone for seven years, stay friends with them, you'll most likely, 90% of the time stay friends with them for the rest of your life. You know somebody for seven years, like friend wise.

[A]

Did you go to college?

[B]

I went to community college for a semester.

[A]

What did you take?

[B]

I was going to be a computer programmer.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I just thought I had a cool ass computer teacher in high school and he just let us smoke weed before school every day. We just get on computer and play and I thought it was going to be more of that. And so you got like actually code shit and I wasn't good at it, so I was like, I gotta go feel this.

[A]

So you dropped, you left college and you went and worked in an oil field.

[B]

Yeah. So I was, over the summer that first year I was working at my. My dad works for this big oilfield company. I was just in the shop doing grunt work, sweeping floors and just for a summer job making like 14 an hour. And they saw I was decent with computers and they're like, yo, you want to go out to the field and run one of these specialist like tools for us? And I was like, nah, I'm going back to school. And they're like, well, you make $125,000 your first year if you go. And I go, yeah, school, let's go do that. And I just worked my way up and by the end of it I was day lead directional drilling hand for conocophillips drilling holes in the ground.

[A]

So when did, how did you decide to be a standup comedian?

[B]

I dated that witch and like, like that. So I had a. I had a private Facebook and a Snapchat at one point. That was all I had, you know? And a buddy of mine I played baseball with, he was like, yo, send me these videos on Snapchat or from you on your Snapchat, I'm gonna make you a TikTok. And I was like, okay. And I got off the rig and I was jogging, and I was like. When Miley Cyrus said, everybody in line for the bathroom trying to do lines in the bathroom, I was like, I felt that because I'm addicted to cocaine. And I said, but I told my mom I'd quit, but summer's coming, so we'll see, you know? And like, I. I didn't think nothing of it. I thought it was just silly, stupid. And I sent it to him. Took a shower, went to bed, got up for work in the morning. It had 18 million views on tick tock. And I had 50,000 followers overnight. Like that.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I was like, what the fuck is this? And so everything I post would garner. And then I dated that witch. And I remember we were at this bar, latchkey on E6, and there was a band playing. I've been playing music my whole life. I, like. I played harmonica and bands my heart, my entire life. So I know one of musicians, like, when they're really good, I'm like, damn, these boys are really good. And she goes, well, I used to the lead singer, and I used to date the guitar player. And I was like, well, I hope they get in a car accident when they leave this gig. That's what I hope. That's what I really hope. But I still met him and introduced myself, and I saw them again a week later. They opened up for another buddy of mine, band. Well, at that time, when Kill Tony was down there, that's when they were at the Vulcan. And they would have an afterparty band every Monday night after Kill Tony. Well, they were the afterparty band. So me and the lead singers became friends. We'd send goofy ass memes to each other. He's like, yo, you're pretty funny. You should meet this Hinch Kiff, this Hinchcliff guy we work for. And I met Tony, and then a week later, I got pulled. And the first time I got on Kill Tony is the first time I ever did standup ever. And now the rest is just whatever it is.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, this witch sounds hot.

[B]

She's so fun. I liked when she farted. I mean, I let her Dutch up. I loved, like, you know, we just love Somebody I'm talking, like, spitting my mouth all, like, even when we're in public type, like, baby bird me at the goddamn smoothie king. What are we talking about? Like, dude, I love this. Which is so fun. So fun. But she got hit by a train.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

I pushed her. Don't worry about it. Yeah, no, she's cool. She's a nurse, traveling nurse or something. I don't talk to her. She threw a ball of hot pasta at me when I was butt ass naked in bed. And that's the last time I ever seen her. It was like, I've never hit a woman. Just because you can't, you know, legally. But that was the first time I ever got close to, like, hitting somebody. Like a. Someone of the opposite.

[A]

Well, that's also abuse.

[B]

Yeah, she threw pasta on me and she punched me in the mouth and, like, jumped on top of me. Started.

[A]

Hold on, what did you do?

[B]

You want to know what it was? Because it. I'd said a lot worse to her before, and I was like, this is the one that made you snap. I. Because she creates these fallacies in her mind, like tangents of situations that did happen, but none of the details that she's saying in that situation happened. That's all tangent. You're making that up. Like. And I try to point some out here to prove a point. I was like, I'm friends with every single. Pretty much every. Up until that point, every single ex I've ever been with. I, you know, I don't talk to him on a daily basis, but if I see him out, he extremely cool. Hey, how you been? I was like, not only do you not talk to your ex boyfriends, your friends who I knew when I met you two years ago, you're no longer friends with. I'm not the problem. Jessica, she rared that boy pasta, threw at me. I ducked, hit my back wall, jumped on me, punched me in the mouth. It was crazy.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

It was nuts. I love her.

[A]

Do you consider yourself romantic?

[B]

Very. Extremely.

[A]

What is the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone?

[B]

I'd have to think about that one. I proposed to a woman at Disney World.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. She was a big Disney kid.

[A]

How did you propose?

[B]

In front of the Magic Castle at the. When the lights come on at night time. And like that, I just bent down.

[A]

The Disney World in Orlando, Florida.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I never been to the one in Los. Los Angeles. Yeah. But then she went through my phone and we never got married.

[A]

You know, man, your phone. You need to change that passcode every.

[B]

Day, and you just not have a phone? That's what it is.

[A]

Has your phone gotten you in more trouble than anything else? Your phone sounds like a real friend.

[B]

Well, they need to make it. Where? If they're gonna make it. Where? Someone can go through your phone when you're sleeping, they shouldn't be able to put it up to your face. And it unlocks while you're sleeping. It should know you're sleeping. Yeah, it knows where I parked my car. It don't know where I'm sleeping when I'm sleeping. It knows. Hey, don't turn that on. Someone's doing that. It. I swear to God, if I meet Mark Zuckerberg on site.

[A]

That's the conversation. Hot bowl of pasta coming his way.

[B]

Dude, spicy curry. It's still stained on my wall. I cannot get that out.

[A]

What is the key to a good relationship?

[B]

Communication.

[A]

And what do you do if communication fails?

[B]

Well, I mean, at that point, I think it's broken. I don't think there is no fixing. Once you break someone's trust with communication, then you're just climbing up a hill and there's. It's not level ground anymore. It only gets slippier the higher you go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So don't break that to begin with. Once you break the trust and the communication of somebody, I. I find it extremely hard and just draining to walk those steps back. Once you do that. If you were smart, just. You look, you. You don't cut the toe off when it has gangrene because it has gangrene. You cut the foot off to save the leg because you don't know where that gangrene's at. You don't know how far it's up that foot just because it ain't showing signs. Cut off more and cut it clean. Let it. Let it breathe. Live to fight another day, you know, Like a pirate, but still.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got air in your lungs. You feel good. You look good. You this one up, there'll be more. A lot of fish in the pond.

[A]

Damn. Well, do you ever go through a girl's phone?

[B]

No, because that's none of my business. And, like, even if they're even, there's been times when she's gone through my phone when there's nothing there. Jessica, the witch included. Okay. She'd go through it all the time. Nothing's there. But they can make up off of what they think that, oh, that might be something. That.

[A]

That might be a dangerous game.

[B]

Yeah. Just don't look at the, like, out of Sight out of mind. Just live your life. If I take the time and the effort to do spend time with you, Time is valuable. That means you are something to me. Okay. That means you are my interest, my point of interest of everything. What the else matters. Don't go through people's phones. It's weird.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also, don't be a. And that's on me. It's on me.

[A]

Do you have any questions for me?

[B]

How is a baby healthy? How's the baby?

[A]

He's great.

[B]

Yeah. How old is he now?

[A]

Seven months old today.

[B]

What was. Because my mom got pregnancy cravings when she had my brother. Not. Not so much me. Well, her pregnancy cravings were cigarettes and alcohol. What were yours?

[A]

Pineapple.

[B]

Pineapple? Really?

[A]

And mayonnaise. Fruit. Actually, it was just fruit. Just fruit in general, but, like, so much fruit.

[B]

Like an unhealthy amount.

[A]

I would eat a whole pineapple.

[B]

What, in one sitting?

[A]

Oh, yes. That would be the first piece of fruit. I would eat a whole pineapple. I would eat an apple and a whole jar of peanut butter. And then I would eat. If I was still in the mood, I would have banana and I would fry bacon. And I would put peanut butter on those two things between a sandwich. And I would eat it because that's what Elvis would do. That was his.

[B]

Like, Elvis was. He was pregnant.

[A]

You would think so. That's what that was. Really. But I actually. I read that while I was pregnant, and it sounded so good.

[B]

And you're just like that.

[A]

I was like, it's got peanut butter and fruit.

[B]

Another thing with the prayer. I just found this out because I never had a pregnant woman, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I mean, I've watched my. My birth. They used to film it in the 90s. You ever seen yourself born?

[A]

No.

[B]

Your mom and dad didn't have a camcorder and film that?

[A]

No.

[B]

All right. Maybe that's just a white trash thing we see. I mean, like, camcorders came out. I remember we got. When I'm like, four and they, like, filmed my brother. But anyways, with the pregnancy thing, I didn't know the courtesy stitch. Are you familiar with this?

[A]

Oh, yeah. But I had a C section.

[B]

Okay, so you didn't even go through your vagina question. Like, what's that like? God damn.

[A]

But I was getting fisted at one point because I was trying to have a vaginal birth. I was trying to do a home.

[B]

Birth in a bathtub. Are you nuts?

[A]

I was in a bathtub.

[B]

And then you're like this, give me.

[A]

The hospital after 43 hours.

[B]

Damn, girl. How long were you in labor?

[A]

53.

[B]

Holy. That's two days work.

[A]

Yeah. So after 43 hours, I went to a hospital, got an epidural. I was like, give it to me. And then 10 hours later, after, like, pushing and going labor, I was in labor for three more hours trying to push. And the doctor said that the. My son's head was facing the floor and it's. Or wait, no, it was facing the ceiling and it was supposed to be facing the floor. So he stuck his whole hand up my vagina and was trying to turn the baby's head like a doorknob. Yep. While I pushed. And the baby would turn and he would see the head, and then it would go and it would suck right back up into me.

[B]

And so we shout out, lauren, Cotton. What a fucking flex there, bud. Huh? Girl there just throwing ping pongs across the room. Christ almighty, what a treat.

[A]

It was like a turtle head, you know?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Just going in and out and in and out. And then eventually he was like, yo, this baby's not coming out. We need to do a C section. And you have two choices.

[B]

And that's where you cut it, right?

[A]

Yeah. So now I got a scar right above my vagina.

[B]

Like a top hat.

[A]

It's a little smiley face.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And so he was like, you can either do a C section now and you can see your baby and be awake, or you can wait an hour or two, and then it will be an emergency, and then you will be sedated and you won't see your baby till tomorrow.

[B]

Now when you're in that process and you've been in that pain and I guess you get that duro and that's like the goddamn morphine, ain't it?

[A]

Where?

[B]

Like, in your spine. In your spine, right?

[A]

Yeah. And everything from that needle down is numb.

[B]

But do you still have the overwhelming, like, angst of like, yo, I'm trying to give birth? Or like, are you completely, like, sedated? Kind of like.

[A]

No, no, you're totally aware.

[B]

Okay, so you know what's going.

[A]

But you're paralyzed.

[B]

Oh, that's terrifying.

[A]

Like, you can't feel. You can't. I couldn't move. Like, the doctors would have to, like, grab my legs. I'm like, sorry.

[B]

I'm sorry. No, you're good.

[A]

They would have to move me, cuz I couldn't move. And my legs were swollen like this big, and I'm a pretty small, like. And my legs were just humongous. Like, they Were so big at the.

[B]

Point of like having to get the C section. Or then you worried about cuz with the baby being face down. Or you wor. I guess you said emergency C section so it could like hurt the baby or the, like the, the. The trouble through the birth. Was there any, like, inkling is like, oh, this is.

[A]

It's the heart rate.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Yeah, I guess that was my question.

[A]

Yeah. So their heart rate can dip down and if it dips down to a certain point, then it becomes an emergency and they take the baby out.

[B]

Now, fun fact. Another one of these weird things that I know. Okay. You know women give birth laying down with their legs up like that. You know where that originates from? No, I forget. I forget what king of Spain it was, but it's king of Spain because women used to give birth like on an angle on their. On their like, stomach down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they come out like that. But the king who had all these mistresses pregnant, he's like, no, I want to see it. I want to see her eyes and I want to see the baby's eyes at the same time. That's why they. He made it a law where you have to give birth like that on your back.

[A]

Wow. It's actually that was the hardest position that I tried to give birth in.

[B]

You tried leaning.

[A]

That's why I did a home birth. Because I didn't want all these rules and regulations and I wanted to do something more natural. And so, yeah, I tried all fours. I tried sitting down.

[B]

All fours.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

What the. Is I'm way behind the tiny giving one in books.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You can give birth in all different kinds of positions on your side, like pushing, you know, on your side.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

And on my back was the hardest because when you're trying to push, it's like doing a crunch.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I would imagine.

[A]

But if you're on all fours, I mean, all you do is. I mean, imagine like doing a crunch, like flexing your abs on all fours. It's much easier.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you can like kind of push. Like imagine taking a. And you can just like push it all down. If you're on your back, it's like not that easy. No, to.

[B]

You gotta have someone come push. Yeah, yeah. Well, we said the hard left.

[A]

Wild, wild question. Is that all you were gonna ask me about?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know. My favorite cocktail. But anyway. Yeah. Well, anyway, thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

Thank you for having me. It's been a blast. Thanks.

[A]

Where can people find you.

[B]

It's just Uncle Laser on everything. You'll find me. Just. You can. You can Google me, okay? It pops up. Uncle Laser, you can catch me on the road, punch up live. And then I got my podcast to Drunk uncle, and I'm on only fans showing home. So whatever you got.

[A]

Hell yeah. Thanks for coming on.

[B]

Thanks for coming on, baby. Thank you.

[A]

Thank you, guys for watching another fabulous episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Delete my number. First Date, your parents are your roommate.

[B]

Thursday.