We Met Online w/ Maria Bamford | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: “We Met Online w/ Maria Bamford” | First Date with Lauren Compton

Episode Overview In this engaging episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, host Lauren Compton sits down with the multi-talented comedian, actress, bestselling author, and mental health advocate, Maria Bamford. Together, they navigate the complexities of modern dating, sharing personal anecdotes, insightful advice, and plenty of laughs. Released on June 3, 2025, this episode delves deep into how Maria found love online, the dynamics of her relationship, and her perspectives on dating in today's world.

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1. Maria’s Journey to Success

Maria Bamford opens the conversation by discussing her unconventional path to success. Dropping out of culinary school after a few months, she humorously notes, “...you can drop out of culinary school and get two Michelin stars” (00:09). This segment highlights her resilience and determination, setting the tone for a candid discussion about personal growth and career pivots.

Notable Quote:

“Consistency was exactly what life was all about.” — Maria Bamford (00:44)

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2. Navigating Online Dating and Meeting Her Husband

Lauren and Maria delve into Maria’s experience with online dating. Maria shares her successful journey on OkCupid, emphasizing the importance of proximity in forming lasting relationships. “OkCupid was free and he was within five miles of me and I had gone on like 800 dates. He went on one and we met...” (02:23). This anecdote underlines the significance of patience and realism in the search for a compatible partner.

Notable Quote:

“We have Pugs Slice on Fantagraphics. And our screen names were Hog Book and Laser Eyes.” — Maria Bamford (02:21)

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3. Relationship Dynamics and Therapy

Maria talks about the strength of her relationship, attributing success to open communication and therapy. “We’ve gone to therapy, though, since we get together...” (03:55). She highlights the importance of addressing issues proactively and maintaining a healthy partnership through professional guidance.

Notable Quote:

“Whatever is a red flag for you might not be for somebody else.” — Maria Bamford (13:31)

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4. Key Dating Advice: First Date Strategies and Red Flags

Lauren and Maria exchange valuable dating tips, focusing on first date best practices and identifying red flags. Maria advises keeping initial meetings short and ensuring verbal compatibility before in-person interactions: “I would call them, talk for 10 minutes. Then if that seems good, then meet them for coffee for 30.” (08:34). She also discusses common red flags, such as paid dating services offering limited and often dubious options.

Notable Quote:

“Big red flag on a first date? If you pay for a dating service, it’s a really bad idea.” — Maria Bamford (07:47)

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5. Personal Anecdotes: Breakups and Mental Health

Maria shares heartfelt stories about her first significant breakup during high school and how it shaped her. She also opens up about her struggles with bulimia, offering a window into her mental health journey. “I was a hardcore bulimic from the ages of like around 10 to 20...” (17:04). These narratives provide depth to her character and underscore the importance of mental health awareness in personal relationships.

Notable Quote:

“If you make someone happy, but you’re not happy, then what’s the point?” — Maria Bamford ([undefined timestamp])

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6. Handling Breakups and Unforgivable Red Flags

The discussion moves to Maria’s perspective on breakups and unforgivable red flags in relationships. She candidly talks about infidelity as a deal-breaker and emphasizes self-respect and boundaries. “Cheating? As far as I’m concerned, that’s unforgivable.” (12:05).

Notable Quote:

“I think red flag is a green flag to somebody else.” — Maria Bamford (13:31)

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7. Personal Habits: Cooking and Home Management

Maria and Lauren explore their domestic lives, with Maria highlighting her love for cooking and her knack for maintaining a decluttered home. “I know how to put things back into things and... smooth surfaces with only one key item...” (21:54). This segment reveals Maria’s practical side and her approach to creating a harmonious living environment.

Notable Quote:

“I’m pretty good at decluttering. I know how to put things back into things.” — Maria Bamford (22:19)

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8. Rapid-Fire Fun: Preferences and Personality Insights

To lighten the mood, Lauren and Maria engage in a rapid-fire round of “this or that” questions, covering everything from pets and vacations to favorite foods and daily habits. This playful exchange not only showcases their chemistry but also provides listeners with a glimpse into Maria’s personality and preferences.

Notable Interaction:

Lauren: “Cats or dogs?”
Maria: “Dogs.” (30:40)

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9. Proposal Stories and Relationship Milestones

Towards the end of the episode, Maria recounts the heartfelt story of how her husband proposed. “He went to my mom and dad and asked for my hand... and then he kneeled down and asked for my hand in marriage.” (33:59). This touching narrative underscores the importance of family and mutual understanding in building a strong relationship foundation.

Notable Quote:

“I felt like a lucky dog. It was very good.” — Maria Bamford (34:30)

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Conclusion

The episode wraps up with Lauren expressing gratitude for Maria’s openness and humor throughout the conversation. Maria encourages listeners to explore genuine connections and maintain self-respect in their dating lives. This episode serves as both an entertaining and informative guide for anyone navigating the modern dating scene.

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Key Takeaways:

• Patience and proximity can be crucial in online dating.
• Open communication and therapy strengthen relationships.
• Identifying personal red flags helps in selecting compatible partners.
• Personal growth and mental health are integral to healthy relationships.
• Balancing humor and sincerity enriches personal connections.

Notable Quotes Recap:

• “Consistency was exactly what life was all about.” — Maria Bamford (00:44)
• “Whatever is a red flag for you might not be for somebody else.” — Maria Bamford (13:31)
• “Cheating? As far as I’m concerned, that’s unforgivable.” — Maria Bamford (12:05)
• “I’m pretty good at decluttering. I know how to put things back into things.” — Maria Bamford (22:19)

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About the Guests:

• Lauren Compton: Comedian and viral content creator, host of First Date.
• Maria Bamford: Comedian, actress known for Lady Dynamite on Netflix, bestselling author, and mental health advocate.

Connect with Maria Bamford:

• MariaBamford.com
• Follow on social media: @MariaComedy

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This summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, providing listeners with a comprehensive overview of the discussions between Lauren Compton and Maria Bamford on navigating online dating and building meaningful relationships.

Transcript

[A]

I love that. I started the Not a Damn Chance podcast with just the nastiest story I have. Part of this idea of this podcast.

[B]

Is how you can become successful as.

[A]

Living as just a regular human. I went to culinary school and I only went for a few months and I dropped out. Look at that, kids. You can drop out of culinary school and get two Michelin stars.

[B]

I do what I can do so.

[A]

I could come back, do it all over again. Not a damn chance. Not a damn chance.

[B]

You see yourself somewhere, take all the necessary steps, steps to get there.

[A]

I just don't know how to quit. That might be my superpower. You can all try and stop me. I hope you do. Consistency was exactly what life was all about.

[B]

Don't be genius here and wild there.

[A]

There's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities, messes become messages. I got shot in the face. Jail was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I did put my head in a noose. You heard 300 people dying. Nobody can tell me, like, you're breaking the rules. You're doing this wrong. There's no right or wrong. I don't care what it takes. I'm doing this. We have a phrase for that. It's called not a damn chance.

[B]

I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[A]

First date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date.

[B]

Hello, everyone. Thank you for watching another episode of First Date. My guest today is a multi talented standup comedian. She's an actress, she's a best selling author, she's a mental health advocate. You've known her from Lady Dynamite on Netflix. Give it up for Maria Bamford.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for having me on the program.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

First date. I'm so. I'm. I've been married for 10 years, so I. It's been a while since I've been on a first date. Are you. You're married as well, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. How's it going?

[B]

It's going good.

[A]

It'd be really bad if it wasn't right. Well, and then it can go poorly, but then you can go. Then you just go get a therapist or you listen to a podcast of a therapist or something. Call the suicide hotline. They'll talk to you. They certainly will.

[B]

How did you meet your husband?

[A]

OkCupid was free and he was within five miles of me and I had gone on like 800 dates. He went on one and we met and so, yeah, my husband's an artist, so he made a graphic novel about our relationship as told by our dogs. We have Pugs Slice on Fantagraphics. Am I shilling already? I'm already asking for people to buy shit. Yeah. So that's. And our screen names were Hog Book and Laser Eyes. And I was Hog Book because I just. You know when you have too vague a name and you get too many people responding, if you say, oh, I'm funny, sweet, you know, and it's like, oh, no. The droves of respondents. And then I put Hog Book. One guy.

[B]

When you say that he was in five within five miles of you. Did you have, like, that feeling filter on where you were searching for five?

[A]

Because I dated a guy in Australia, and I'm like, if I can't find someone within, you know, like, well, clearly there is no God, but if you. There's got to be somebody, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're in a dense metropolitan area. Somebody's got to be into this. Right? And it turned out. It's true. It's worked out. Yeah. It's been good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I don't know. I don't know what good is. I mean, it seems like we're doing.

[B]

You're happy?

[A]

Yes. Yeah, we. We. We've gone to therapy, though, since the get. First we had Carol Grisham. Now we have a woman named Kirsten. I don't know. She wears a low kitten heel, and I like that about her.

[B]

A low kitten heel?

[A]

Do you know a kitten heel? Oh, you have one on right now.

[B]

Are these kitten heels?

[A]

It's a little bit of yours. A little too high for kitt. Kitten heel.

[B]

A kitten heel's like an inch, right?

[A]

It's like you're about to go to bed, and you just go, oh, I think I'm gonna slip in my kitten heels before I go to bed.

[B]

That's a really good way to describe it, right?

[A]

Yeah, it's a nighttime. A nighttime me out of my bubble bath shoe.

[B]

You will never catch me in a heel at home.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you wear kitten heels?

[A]

Oh, God, no. No, I don't wear heels at all. Unless they're platform Skechers. Okay.

[B]

That's like, what kind of. You're wearing right now.

[A]

Yes, I'm wearing a platform Snoop Dogg. SK bought these before they were problematic. And Snoop Dogg went to the. The dark side. He went over to Trump's house and, I don't know, played video games. I don't know what's going on, but.

[B]

But we love the shoes.

[A]

I do. I love it there. It's so confusing, ethically. We lost part of our house. In the fires in Los Angeles. Oh my gosh. But part of our house was saved by our evil criminal racist, Trump supporting neighbors who saved it with garden hose and super soakers.

[B]

Really?

[A]

So very strange. They were telling us about the story of heroism while also somehow bringing in the subject of the Jews. I'm not sure. They're very not good people, but they saved our house.

[B]

Well, there you go. Yeah, there's some light there.

[A]

Yeah. Oh God. Every. Everybody's a monster and an angel. Yeah, I think it's as I think.

[B]

Yeah. Have you ever gone back to an ex?

[A]

Oh, yes, yes, of course. May I ask you something? Response? Have you ever dated somebody out of the country?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. How'd that, how'd that work out?

[B]

We got divorced.

[A]

Oh no. Where, where were they from, btw?

[B]

Italy.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, that sounds about right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now Italy. Did you spend then over three months at a time in Italy?

[B]

Did I stay over there? Yeah. Oh God, yeah. I went over there and I lived there for a year. And then he moved and then he came here and we traveled back and forth and we dated long distance for two years and then we were married for like seven.

[A]

Oh my Christ. That is dedication. Good job. What was the thing that made it? Because I think anything can work, you know, I think, you know, somebody can. You can live part. You know, you can work it out whatever way you want. But why, why didn't. Was there an end state?

[B]

You know, he cheated on me.

[A]

Oh, mother.

[B]

So I would never go back, but I wouldn't go back to him. But I don't know. I don't think I've ever. I've never gone back to an ex.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I've never had anyone fight for me. Is that bad?

[B]

But I don't even respond to a text right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Really?

[A]

But that's fair enough. Like, especially if there's been some kind of traumatic thing, I always go, yeah, no answer is an answer. I think I can set this free. Especially when somebody wants to make amends to you because they joined a 12 step program and don't pick up the phone. They're about to apologize for something you're not mad about. They're not going to apologize about the actual thing they did.

[B]

What do you think is the biggest red flag on a, on a first date?

[A]

Let me see. I, I think if you pay for like a dating service, I think that's a really bad idea because it's like they've only have a limited group of people they're choosing from. I, I Did this thing called let's just. It's just lunch. And so they guaranteed you 12 dates over the course of a year. But then it turned out they were just trying to sell. Sell me on the stock that they had, which was recently separated. Father of three who sometimes lived in Guam. Yeah. Like, it was bad. So. So that's, I think, is. Is. It's. Anything that's free is better, I think. If you're going to be going for a dating site. Free.

[B]

Yeah. Where is the best place to go for a first date?

[A]

First date. I say coffee. No more than a half hour. No more. And I would call them first to see if their voice is what you're picturing, because that can get weird too. So call them, talk for 10 minutes. Then if that seems good, then meet them for coffee for 30.

[B]

You know, it's interesting when you talk about someone's voice because if you're gonna date someone long term, you have to like the way they sound. Yes.

[A]

And the way they speak. Some people hire someone to write their profile and then sound nothing like that when you talk to them in person. I had one guy who was like, beautiful profile. It was just like. It was like reading Raymond Carver. And then. Then I talked to him on the phone. He's like, God, I really like. I mean, you just sound really hot. You know, you just. I mean, can't wait till we meet. Because I like your pictures and they're hot. And I'm like, uh, oh, who's this guy? I mean, he sounds hot, but I can't.

[B]

Did you meet him?

[A]

No.

[B]

So you were just like, oh, I'm coming down with something, actually.

[A]

Yeah. And it's called reality. Yeah. No. Yeah. I think once you've. But. But I. I do think it's also good to go out on six dates with someone. Like one date a week for six weeks and just see. See how you feel. Because I'm also. I feel like people make immediate judgment calls on things that aren't as important. That that's at least my opinion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm willing to share my opinion in a pressured speech because I'm over 50, and so I'd like to tell everyone my opinion. Yes.

[B]

Do you remember your first breakup?

[A]

The one that really hurt was super sad. I was in high school and my senior year, at the end of senior year, and this guy who I was totally in love with, and he said, we're going. He's going to different college, and so he's got to break up with me because he's Got to focus on college. And I was like, okay, all right, never mind. And I felt out. Oh, God, I was. But it was real, you know, at least it wasn't like. Because sometimes I've gotten obsessed with people and it was more fantasy oriented. Like, I dated a guy in Australia for. On and off for a year, and he was so unavailable. You know, like, he was. Not that bisexuals are always like this, but he was clearly on the side of, you know, I'm overwhelmed by your breasts. Okay. I should have. You know when he said that? I should have said. He said that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, I'm just overwhelmed. And my breasts, I mean, if you. You can't see them if you're listening, but they're. They're like little tubes with raspberries at the bottom. So maybe. Maybe overwhelming in a whole different way, but I don't know. Yeah, he was just clearly a goofball. Or not. Not that into me. Have you ever read the. The bestseller? He's. He's just not that into.

[B]

I think I've seen the movie.

[A]

It's great. It's so good. You don't have to figure anything out. You don't have to go, oh, he's mysterious. You just go, yeah, he's not into it. Yeah, and date somebody else.

[B]

What do you think is an unforgivable red flag?

[A]

What do you think is one more importantly.

[B]

Cheating.

[A]

Cheating? Okay, as far as. Well, I. I dated one guy who. People said he was cheating on me, and I was like, okay, if he is, I don't know what to do about it. Look, I was just like, he's like. He's flirting with all the comedy club waitresses. I'm like, is he. Oh, sorry, guys. I mean, I was a bit of a mess myself. You know, I. I have some. I have some mental illness. I have some bipolar. So I've made a lot of terrible decisions all at once. And so I think it's whatever you're down for, you know? Like, I think red flag is a green flag to somebody else. My. My husband, when we, you know, started dating, I told him, hey, you know, I have a mental health issue in case I need to go to the hospital or whatever. And he goes, oh, yeah. You know, I've had plenty of friends that happen to. If I. If. If you had to check in, I'd come in and I'd shave your beard, because sometimes they take your sharp stuff away. I come in, and if you grew a beard, I'd shave it. I mean, that's the Most romantic thing I ever did Here, tell. But, yeah, so whatever is a red flag for you. Might not be for somebody else. Like, I could give a shit if somebody makes enough money. Like, some people get really weird about that.

[B]

Like, yeah, oh, he's gonna make.

[A]

It's like, I make plenty of money. Is your car paid off? If it's a 92 Saturn, I would hope.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't. I don't care. Like, that's. That's not a thing for me. It. My husband and I had. I've dated lots of wealthy guys, and they were just douchebags about money. They were just, like, super mad about it all the time. Oh, my third house is. My wife wants to see ex wife wants me. It's just like, shut the up. Like, enjoy what you have, weirdo. My husband, we met, he was in debt for student loans. He, you know, had a credit card. And I'm like, do you know how much you're in debt? And he said, I think so. And he was totally right. And I was like, right on. Awesome. As long as you know and you're not that worried about it, you can enjoy your life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ugh.

[B]

What do you think is the best way to break up with someone?

[A]

Depends on who they are. If you're an abusive relationship. Ooh, Keep that on the down low to the last minute, and then just quietly quiet quit. Yeah. If you're in an abusive situation, if somebody's ever said anything like, I'd never hit you, or they're about to give you a roundhouse to the breadbasket. Yeah. Like, if. If. Then definitely make a plan. If it's. If it's something like you haven't been dating for less than six, you know, maybe tell them on the phone, but if it's only like two dates. Oh, my gosh, text. That's ridiculous.

[B]

It's okay.

[A]

You don't have to. You don't have to explain yourself. Especially if somebody. If it's really not a good match. Like, I went out with this guy twice, and the second one, he was. Got super drunk, and I was just like, oh, yeah, that's not my thing. Something like, I'm not a drinker. And. Yeah. And so, yeah, I think he asked if I want to go, and I said, oh, yeah, I just don't think we're a good match. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

[B]

Yeah. You don't drink a lot.

[A]

Not really. Not really. I mean, I'll have a glass of wine if. If it's offered for Free at a comedy club.

[B]

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[A]

Oh, yes. Oh my gosh. I was a hardcore bulimic from the ages of like around 10 to 20. And then I went through an eating disorder treatment program, joined a 12 step program. So fun. And then, I mean it's. Almost all white women have been bulimic at some point. But I don't mean to put that on you, but I think, you know, it's, it's a little bit boring. What was I talking about then? Yeah, I think, I think I did do a lot of one night stands when I was in my 20s and I think that became problematic where it was like. Yeah, just kind of like a way of not really connecting. But it's almost like cutting. Like when you cut yourself and you feel like, oh, I'm alive. It's the same feeling of like I'm at a double tree and with this guy who, who loves whatever psychedelic jazz. What am I doing with my life? Like, it's the same thing that would.

[B]

Give me so much anxiety.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Do you believe in astrology?

[A]

I do not. I love you. I love you. I love you. And not into it. I mean, it seems fun. It's fun. You know, I had a relative do my chart for me and I was like, okay. I mean, I don't.

[B]

Yeah. You're like, what does this mean?

[A]

But I, what else do I do? I believe in things that have, you know, have no basis in. You know, are faith based things like show business? Yes, of course I believe in show business. The, the magic of of something about to hap. Is about to happen that's going to be incredible. Which. That's a religion of sorts, is, I think, the arts in general.

[B]

Yeah. Where are you from?

[A]

I'm from Minnesota.

[B]

When and where do you live now?

[A]

Los Angeles. Which is the land of dreams.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. Yeah. No, I love that about la, where it's like you. You mean. I mean, people say it's flaky, but at least when somebody's never going to see you again, the last thing they say is, you're amazing. I love you.

[B]

They do say that all the time.

[A]

All the time. You're brilliant. You're a genius. I will never see you again.

[B]

It's wild how you can make a best friend on a set and then you never see them ever again.

[A]

Geographically, it's impossible. It is, absolutely. I have one friend from Marina del Rey. I live, or I lived in Altadena. The only reason that friendship is held together is because she loves to drive. Otherwise, I would have set that free decades ago.

[B]

I have one friend that I met in an audition one time.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And we were up for the same role.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I ended up getting it. And she followed up with me and wondered, like, if I had ever heard back from that production. And I was like, you know what? And I felt bad about telling her that I had gotten it because I could tell she was so interested in this role. And I was like, I got that role. And she. She was so happy for me. Oh, good.

[A]

Yes. As you should be.

[B]

And I thought that that was really cool. And I ended up going and having, like, coffee or going for a hike in la. Hiking is, like, very popular.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so I went with. On, like, a hike with her, and now she lives in Florida, but we've lived all across different states. And she will call me, like, 10 times for a year if I don't answer. And she'll still continue to, like, call. Not that I don't answer, but, like, that. But she's consistent, kind of like your friend.

[A]

Yes. Consistency. Yes.

[B]

Is great.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Yeah. Do you like to cook?

[A]

I like to try it. I was on a show called Worst Cook Celebrity Edition, which is a bit of a stretch. And they. There was some laughter about my cooking at a professional level, which seemed unnecessary, but I. Yeah, I like to cook. I just made some garbanzo bean, like, sort of salad where you. Anyways, it's. It's really good. It's curry and I'm not selling it, am I? Would you like to cook? What do you like? What's your favorite thing to cook?

[B]

Homemade pasta.

[A]

Holy crap. Okay, so you are a real chef.

[B]

I like to cook.

[A]

Yeah. That's serious.

[B]

But I. I feel like that's like my superpower in the house.

[A]

That's. Oh, my gosh. Trying to think if I have a superpower in the house. I. You know what? I'm pretty good at decluttering. Like, I know how to put things back into things and, you know, like. So there's a lot of smooth surfaces with only. Only one key item on them that focuses your. The eye.

[B]

Yeah. You sound like you're really good at interior design.

[A]

No, not so much. It's only. Yeah, I just. I know how to put only one thing on a. On a space, but. Or three. Rule of three. Of course.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I think I'm good at it. I don't know. You'd have to ask around.

[B]

Yeah. Do you have kids?

[A]

No.

[B]

I feel like that's why you're so good at the clean spaces.

[A]

Oh, yeah, No, I don't have kids. No. My sister had four kids. She's older than me, so I have just lived vicariously through her, which involves me just sending those. What are those? Animal onesies. I send animal onesies once a year to all four of them. Now they're adults, so they just get bigger and bigger sizes. Yeah, I don't. I'm scared of kids. How many kids do you have?

[B]

One.

[A]

One. Okay.

[B]

I have one and he's two months old.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Well, he's new and he's currently in an animal onesie.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. What a blessing. I'm so excited for you. Is it fun?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

Until he shits his pants.

[A]

Right? Just like.

[B]

That's the only unfun part.

[A]

Yeah. The pumpkin paste.

[B]

Yeah, it goes everywhere. So what's his name? Jax.

[A]

Jax. Very cute. So fun. Well, good. Yeah. Good job. I. Yeah. I never have had it in me to have a child. It seems like it's so much work. From what I can tell.

[B]

It is a lot of work. It is a lot of work. Do you have any hidden talents?

[A]

Some might say comedy, but they're not. They're not. Coming to the sold out show at the Marriott Ballroom tonight. Hidden talents, I would say. Let me see one. Oh, I'm good at neck rubs, my husband says. He says I'm very good at back rubs because I have very strong fingers. I used to play the violin as a kid and so got some strong fingers.

[B]

Wow, that's cool. You have a musical talent.

[A]

Well, I never play Violin anymore. I refuse to. It's a core. Yeah. I don't want to.

[B]

Were you forced to play it?

[A]

Yes, I was.

[B]

So that's why you don't like it. Bad vibes?

[A]

Not good. If you ask a kid when they're three years old what they want to do for the next 18 years.

[B]

Yeah, I don't give them.

[A]

Give them a way out. A way out? My parents didn't give me a way out. They said, you gotta go stick with it. Because they spent all that money so far. You know, by the time I was like 10 and kind of sentient of what I was actually doing, which was spending about four hours a day with a stringed instrument, they're like, yeah, no, we put too much to invest. Now you gotta stick with it.

[B]

Were you really good at it?

[A]

Yeah, sure. Anybody gets weirdly good at something, if you put your kid in Krav Maga at the age of three, they're gonna be good at it. When they're 11, they're gonna be really good at it. Leave your kids alone. Leave your kids alone. Let them figure out what they want to do.

[B]

I promise to let him figure out what he wants to do.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The only thing I want him to do is martial arts.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

For self defense.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

And, like, be able to, like, respect, like, respect it too. I don't want him to go out and hurt people.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I don't want anyone to, like, hurt him.

[A]

I have a. This is one thing I learned from a martial arts course. That was how to protect yourself as a woman. They said you make your body really big as if it's a bear, and you say, I am not interested.

[B]

That works. I think that that would work. I see all kinds of videos on my Instagram or TikTok or whatever, and it's like, there's some. Have you guys seen this? It's like some trending thing, and it's like girls putting on, like, a red light therapy mask, and they dress up, like, as ugly as they can and they, like, walk their dog. And it's like how to not get kidnapped.

[A]

Oh. Oh, God. As if being kidnapped or. Is anything about your attractiveness?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's about power, guys. It's not about how old you are or, you know, anything. Anyways. Anybody here been sexual assaulted? All right, I don't mean to brag.

[B]

Who do you feel should pay on a first date?

[A]

I think split it.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I don't care.

[B]

You don't think it's weird?

[A]

Why would it be weird?

[B]

Sometimes if a guy pays, it's like more of a date. If a girl pays or you split it, then it could be more of like a friendship. Like, you're right. Like a little. A little less date.

[A]

Ish. Well, if we're talking about historically women, we're viewed as chattel as. As cows property. So in order. If he has to trade this certain amount to spend time with me as a beef, you know, of a certain amount of. Of heifer, then I have some choice in spending time with him. Like, he hasn't wasted any money on his time with me. Like, anyways, I find it be empowering to pay for myself, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just. I don't know. But doesn't matter. If somebody wants to pay for it. Go ahead. Oh, my God. Awesome. But yeah, I also think it's good to know how to take care of yourself and be financially literate as a female.

[B]

Yeah. What is your biggest turn off?

[A]

Anger. Anger. Yep. Yeah. If somebody's like, not grateful for stuff. Yeah, that's a real bummer.

[B]

That would be a bummer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's your biggest turn on.

[A]

A sense of humor.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Being able to have fun. Giggles. My husband. Yeah, he does. He does little dances and stuff, and that's super fun. And he loves our dogs and does little voices for them, and so that's very pleasurable.

[B]

How do you feel about a guy's hygiene?

[A]

Well, if I already like the way he stinks, then it's not too, you know, if he stinks a little more, then it's just good times, right? What do you mean? Are you talking about, like, sort of like, if he has ear hair, he's gotta be trimming it or.

[B]

Yeah, like, just kind of like keeping, like maintaining. Maintaining himself.

[A]

I think it's his head and it's his body, so whatever he wants to do. I know there's some people go, you've got to tell him. You've got to tell him he needs to do something about that. And it's like, I don't. I don't know. My mom used to do that to my dad, and I felt like it was very disempowering to him. Like, just kind of making sure that he looked okay all the time. It's like, leave him alone. Like, he's enjoying his life and all of a sudden you're, like, picking stuff off his sweater and. Yeah, I don't know, but. But some people find that is a form of love. Like, they go, please tell me when I have lettuce in my Teeth. I would prefer to speak. Speak for hours to. To millions with arugula and the front tube of my incisors.

[B]

I have a tasting menu, and it's basically like a this or that kind of thing. So first thing that comes to your head, you tell me which one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Cats or dogs?

[A]

Dogs.

[B]

Beach vacation or a mountain retreat?

[A]

Both kind of blow.

[B]

Where would you go for vacation?

[A]

I go to a city.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pizza or tacos?

[A]

Pizza.

[B]

Do you like pizza?

[A]

I like to scrape off the top. I mean, I'm a former bulimic, so no carbs. So you scrape off the top of the pizza. And then because I'm 50, I go, what am I doing? Eat the crust, then I eat the crust last.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a long process.

[B]

But you're getting there, right?

[A]

I'm getting there.

[B]

Do you like to stay in and watch a good movie or go outside and have an outside adventure?

[A]

Stay in. Stay in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sneakers or sandals?

[A]

Snakes.

[B]

Big party or a small gathering?

[A]

Big party.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love big parties where I know people. I mean it. So it's like. It basically has to be a party at my house. Yes. Yeah.

[B]

A texting or a phone call?

[A]

I like texting.

[B]

I do, too. Do you prefer to fly or take a road trip?

[A]

Fly.

[B]

Chocolate or vanilla?

[A]

Chocolate.

[B]

Cake or pie?

[A]

Cake.

[B]

High five or Fist bump?

[A]

5. 5.

[B]

Superhero or villain?

[A]

Villain.

[B]

Dine in or delivery?

[A]

Oh, I like to die. I like to eat like a Christian. Have someone bring me water. That's my friend. Jackie always says that as a joke.

[B]

Card games or board games?

[A]

Card games. Board games. Not a fan of either of those. Can we just talk about our childhoods?

[B]

Pancakes or waffles?

[A]

Pancakes.

[B]

Alien invasion or a zombie apocalypse?

[A]

Alien invasion.

[B]

Rom com or horror movie?

[A]

Rom com.

[B]

Rainy day or sunny day?

[A]

Rainy day.

[B]

Mustard or ketchup?

[A]

Ketchup.

[B]

Sunglasses or hats?

[A]

Hat.

[B]

Reality TV or true crime?

[A]

True crime.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yes. 48 hours. In the first 48 hours, they don't. If they don't find out. And it's always going to be the first guy who comes in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you ever watched first? The first 48?

[B]

No.

[A]

It's a dismal side of the US basically showing how people are suffering. All right, anyways, I didn't mean to bring that up. It looks like we're at the end of our interview. You've closed up shop. May I ask you the question? What's your favorite thing about doing the show?

[B]

My favorite thing about doing this show? Meeting people.

[A]

Oh, awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're very good. I got to watch a full episode, so it was great. Very good.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you for having me. I'm very honored.

[B]

Well, my last question is. My dessert question. How did your husband propose to you?

[A]

I knew he was gonna do it. He went to my mom and dad and asked for my hand, much like you do when you're about to check out a cow. And he said, may I. May I take a look at the stock? And yet then he asked their permission. And then he was at their house. Then we went on the backyard, which was overlooked a lake, and he kneeled down and asked for my hand in marriage. It was lovely.

[B]

How did you know he was going to ask?

[A]

We talked about it. We talked about it. Yeah, because I. I wanted both my parents to be there and. And also I kind of want to be in on that decision. I don't want anyone asking me if I don't. Don't know that's coming. Yeah, I mean, that. That was the first time anyone had. Had been interested in marrying me, so I felt. I felt like a lucky dog. But, yeah, it was. It was very good. Good experience. How about you?

[B]

He still hasn't proposed.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

You just. You just signed some paperwork and it was.

[B]

Yeah, we got married right before I gave birth so that we could all share the same last name.

[A]

Oh, nice. Also good.

[B]

Yeah, that's nice.

[A]

Well, let me tell you, as an older person, giving. Get a living will and revocable trust.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

As a family. Yeah, it's good. In case something happens to some of you, nobody has to go through probate. That's me, Marie Bamford, telling you all about the law and your family.

[B]

Well, thank you for coming on my show.

[A]

Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. Thank you for the free water.

[B]

You're amazing. You're beautiful.

[A]

You're amazing. You're beautiful. Where can people find you mariabanford.com or you just Google Maria comedy? And I think I'm one of the only ones who comes up. Or if not. Please, if you're not interested, do not look me up.

[B]

Guys, thank you so much for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time.

[A]

First Date.

[B]

Baby, are you really drinking a glass.

[A]

Of milk with dinner? First date. I can't wait.

[B]

You told your mom about me?

[A]

Just say, you ready?

[B]

Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommates.

[A]

Thursday.