Why Do Husbands Need A Plan for Everything? w/ Rachel Feinstein | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

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Podcast Summary: First Date with Lauren Compton

Episode: Why Do Husbands Need A Plan for Everything? w/ Rachel Feinstein

Date: July 14, 2026
Network: YMH Studios
Guests: Rachel Feinstein (comedian), Lauren Compton (host)

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Overview

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton features returning guest Rachel Feinstein, a comedian known for her sharp wit and stories drawn from her personal life. The conversation delves into the chaos and absurdity of modern relationships, marriage, growing up, comedy bombs, and why husbands (and men in general) always seem to need a plan for everything. The hosts share hilarious and occasionally poignant tales about parenting, childhood embarrassment, marriage missteps, and online criticism, all with a raw and comedic edge.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rachel’s Comic Persona & Getting Mistaken for the “Other” Rachel Feinstein

• Rachel shares stories about often being confused with the prominent sculptor of the same name, including almost being honored by Vogue by mistake.

  "Somebody was like, oh, you know, Vogue wants to honor you. And I was like, like for your fashion choices?" - Rachel [02:32]

• The two joke about their fashion sense and the pitfalls of dressing “like a real estate agent in a porn.”
• Rachel recounts being gently “uninvited” to events when organizers realized she was not the intended, glamorous Rachel.
• Memorable Quote:

  "I often dress like. Like a real estate agent in a porn or something. Like a lot of blazers. Nobody's watching my fashion choices." – Rachel [02:55]

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2. Pregnancy, Motherhood, and Golden Girls

• Lauren and Rachel bond over simultaneous pregnancies and the secrecy and anxiety that comes with it.
• Lauren talks about telling Rachel about her pregnancy early, and Rachel feeling "weirdly proud” for having the scoop.

  “When the news was out, I was like, yeah, I got that a few chapters ago, bitches." – Rachel [05:04]

• They reference both having to dress like a “Golden Girl” to conceal their pregnancies.
• Jewish culture and the love of the Golden Girls is discussed, with Rachel dryly claiming, “I speak for the Jews.” [05:41]
• Rachel tells the recurring joke Joe Derosa (comedian friend) makes about her faith around Christmas time.

  “He calls me every Christmas and reminds me of what the Jews did to Christ... Look what you did. Look what you fucking did. Look what a mess you made, you foul Jew." – Rachel [05:58]

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3. New York vs. Texas/California: Regional Identity & Accents

• Rachel describes her family life in Queens and her husband’s exaggerated local accent ("ratiator" instead of radiator). [09:12]
• Lauren, originally from Texas but without an accent, debates the use of "y'all" vs. "you guys.”
  • Rachel playfully contemplates adopting Texan dress and lingo, worried about being mocked for wearing "cowgirl boots from New York."
  • Lauren reassures that in Texas, people welcome the look.

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4. The Art & Pain of Bombing as a Comedian

• Both recount stories of bombing badly at international gigs and the delusions/denial tactics comedians use to soften the blow.

  "On that show, there was some host... he would go through the kitchen and be like, 'I am running out of time,' and then he'd just slide in... and then Joe and me came on and they set us right back home. You know when you think you're not gonna bomb and you're like, let me clean this up. Yeah. I went up there, like, let me show people how this actually is done. And they're like, no thanks." – Rachel [15:14]

• Lauren hilariously describes how after bombing in London she still felt proud, only for her assistant to gently reality-check her.

  "No one laughed. And it was just like. And then I saw what they liked and I was like, wow, I'm not made for this." – Lauren [20:48]

Notable Anecdotes:

• Following a special needs choir:

  "I'd rather follow Hitler, because at least you can trash Hitler. I can't fucking trash a special needs choir." – Rachel [25:10]

• "Beaver Hunter" opener in Alabama:
  Rachel laments being upstaged by an opener whose entire act was crude hunting double entendres, selling “Beaver Hunter” stickers to a delighted crowd. [18:49]

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5. Parenting & Childhood Trauma (with a Comedic Twist)

• Both riff on how their mothers gave them lifelong insecurity through weird stories and "trauma gifts.”
  • Lauren’s mother, after she shaved her legs and cut herself badly, responded:

    "Ooh, I hope you don't get gangrene." – Lauren [32:02]

  • Rachel’s mother was dismissive about buying her a bra, leading to a heartfelt/funny “If I build it, they will come” moment for her absent boobs. [34:02]
• Embarrassing coming-of-age stories abound—thong purchases with their moms, feigned confidence, seeking validation from indifferent teenage boys.

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6. The Myth of the Protective Dad

• Both discuss the lack of “protective” dads in their upbringing.
  • Rachel: “My dad definitely not protective dad either. Yeah, like, he wasn't like, I always wanted to have one of those dads that's like, you know, you want to be bad, you know, tapping a watch.” [39:31]
• Rachel’s mom even put her home address on her kids’ keys:

  “You basically invited people to statutory rape me if lost. Here’s where to finish. My daughter.” – Rachel [40:53]

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7. Husbands, Marriage, and “The Plan”

Main Theme Segment: [44:31–57:20]

• Rachel describes her husband’s obsession with having a plan at all times, tracking her activities, and in particular, his constant question: “So, what’s your plan?”
• She riffs on losing her husband’s chargers and AirPods—and his inability to ever forgive her for these “crimes.”
• Lauren confesses to accidentally throwing away her husband’s Nintendo—leading to perpetual passive-aggressive “punishment.”

  “The worst thing I’ve ever done to my husband is accidentally threw his Nintendo away." – Lauren [47:36]

• The “plan” becomes a symbol for marital gender differences:
  • Rachel: “I live every day like, you know when you bump into somebody, like, right before they overdose? That’s kind of how I live.” [45:41]
  • Lauren’s husband tracks her shower products and launches “investigations” into their necessity, causing her to justify every possession.

Notable Quotes:

• "My husband always asks me what my plan is, which is such an obnoxious question." – Rachel [44:31]
• "He's like, what's the reason you have this in the house? ... I'm like, get bent." – Rachel [52:10]
• “I run a loose, loose ship and my husband, like, I borrowed his AirPods once and lost them. He’ll never forgive me for that.” – Rachel [45:28]

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8. Dealing with Social Media Hate and Comments

• Both comedians reveal how reading online comments after podcast appearances or Story Wars devastates their mental health.
  • Rachel: “I have a deep voice, you know, look how quiet they are. … No, I do, but, you know, it’s my voice. What do you want me to do?” [54:08]
• Haters’ insults are aired out and laughed about—Rachel shares how someone called her "an oven dodger" and a "snout."
• Lauren: “I posted one of the promos recently, and someone was just like, My God, she’s aged.” [53:17]
• Both joke about how impossible it is for women to win, visually, on the internet.

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9. End-of-Episode: Husbands and the Need for “A Plan” (Title Connection)

Important Segment: [57:07–57:56]

• Rachel explains her husband’s compulsion to “time” the assembly of baby gear and have checklists in preparation for their daughter’s birth:

  “He had a stopwatch at the, at the last lap because he would test how long it took to put up a pack and play. And I’m like, no one needs. That’s not something you would time.” – Rachel [57:08]

• Lauren jokes about birthing Nintendo games as a reversal of her earlier “Nintendo in the trash” incident.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• “I often dress like a real estate agent in a porn or something. Like a lot of blazers. Nobody’s watching my fashion choices.” – Rachel [02:55]
• “I tell my agent. I was like, well, I moved something for this and I told the guy I was dating that I was being honored for my fash.” – Rachel [02:47]
• "Jews do like the Golden Girls. And I speak for the Jews." – Rachel [05:41]
• "He calls me every Christmas and reminds me of what the Jews did to Christ... Look what a mess you made, you foul Jew." – Rachel [05:58]
• "Do you believe this shit? … He's always just calling me with some gripe. Yeah. I'm like, what are you complaining about, Joe? You've gotten mounds of pussy that you didn't deserve." – Rachel [07:35]
• "I'd rather follow Hitler, because at least you can trash Hitler. I can't fucking trash a special needs choir." – Rachel [25:10]
• "He always makes me write a book report about all of my stuff... Like I'm going through customs with him." – Rachel [52:10]
• “I would be a pain to be with… I have lost the key to the mothership condo maybe twice.” – Rachel [45:05]
• "The worst thing I've ever done to my husband is accidentally threw his Nintendo away. Wait, the whole thing?" – Lauren/Rachel [47:36–47:42]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:10] – Rachel talks about being mistaken for another Rachel Feinstein
• [05:28] – Dressing like Golden Girls and cultural references
• [08:53] – Life update: motherhood, living in New York
• [15:14] – Horrific comedy bombing stories
• [25:10] – Following a special needs choir in a corporate gig; “I’d rather follow Hitler”
• [29:54] – The trauma of parents’ weird bedtime stories
• [32:02] – Lauren’s mom and the threat of gangrene after shaving
• [34:02] – The “if you buy it, they will come” theory of teenage bras
• [39:31] – On having (or lacking) the “protective dad” archetype
• [44:31] – Why do husbands ask “what’s your plan?”
• [47:36–51:01] – The Great Nintendo Trash Fiasco
• [53:17] – The pain of internet comments and being called “aged”
• [57:08] – Rachel’s husband timing the assembly of baby gear

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Tone & Style

The episode’s tone is candid, slightly self-deprecating, and relentlessly funny. The comedians’ rapport allows for both playful teasing and honest reflections on life's humiliations, the absurdities of marriage, and the endless indignities of parenting and aging in the public eye.

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Takeaways

• Marriage and partnership are riddled with both absurd and real frustrations, often over small things (chargers, shower products, or old gaming consoles).
• Comedy is as much about surviving (and laughing about) humiliation as it is about performing.
• Childhood, body image, and family stories hang around well into adulthood—and are comedic gold when told with honesty and wit.
• Internet criticism is a shared trauma among performers, but one that can be mocked and defanged among friends.
• Planning (and the pressure put by some men on themselves and their partners to have a plan) is both infuriating and a source for loving mockery.

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For more from Rachel Feinstein, follow her on Instagram (@rachelfeinstein_) or visit rachel-feinstein.com.

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This summary delivers the funniest and most insightful moments, preserves the original dry humor of the hosts, and traces the running themes about marriage, gender, and the comedy profession throughout the episode.

Transcript

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

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[Lauren Lapkus]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. What's up you guys? Thank you for tuning back into another episode of First Date. My guest today is back for her second date and I love that you guys had to type this out for me that you can get tickets to see her on tour at rachel-feinstein.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They wrote out the dot. They wrote out dash dash is really funny that they thought you couldn't read a dash dash. How dumb do you think we are? I'm used to writing ad copy. I'm sorry. You can actually, you can also go to my punch up Live page which is Follow me on Instagram. Rachel Feinstein underscore. So we'd love to get into all those silly dashes.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I think it's so funny.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Rachel-Feinstein.com yeah, somebody else stole the original one and I'll fight her.

[Lauren Lapkus]

What a loser.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What a hoe.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Have you tried to get it back?

[Rachel Feinstein]

What a godless or actually I've never even checked who has the other one. I just know that I ended up with the dash. Yeah, there was another Rachel Feinstein though, and she has a much better life than I do. Like a famous one, we get mixed up sometimes. She's like a famous sculptor and she's very beautiful and sometimes I get offered things and then softly unoffered them when we establish that it was not for me. Yeah, like somebody was like, oh, you know, Vogue wants to honor you. And I was like, like for your fashion choices and for Like a year. No, it felt like a year. It was like a month.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Dude, you should have just shown up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, I tried to do that, Lauren. I was like. I told my agent. I was like, well, I moved something for this and I told the guy I was dating that I was being honored for my fash. Meanwhile, it's like, bitch, you shop at fucking asos. No one is watching your nonsense. Yeah, you're an asos. Basic fucking bitch. I often dress like. Like a real estate agent in a porn or something. Like a lot of blazers. Nobody's watching my fashion choices. I wear, like, elderly smocks and, like, a hostile amount of cleavage most of the time. But anyway, then they were like, they call back and they were like, oh, there's been a mistake. It's actually the other classier, Rachel Feinstein. She's probably being offered like, the weekend at like, Uncle Funnies or something. Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Could you imagine? They're like, we absolutely think you're hilarious. Would you please come perform for us? And she's like, what about my clothing is funny to you?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I've also met her. She's like a really lovely person. Like, you know, and because we have a mutual friend, and she was like, I forgot to close a bank account, like, years ago. And she's like, I think we got like, something about $60 you owed to, like, Chase bank and Bethesda. I'm like, yeah, I settled that up actually. Yeah, sorry. That brushed up on your life. But yeah. Anyway.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That's so funny.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm so glad I'm here right now.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I'm glad you're here too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes. I needed this. I've been with me and Rosebud and our, like, children have been playing together all day and. Yeah, just like, I've been so excited to talk to an adult with nobody else in the room.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, it's refreshing.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It is so nice.

[Lauren Lapkus]

What have you been up to?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I've been on the road a little bit and just. Yeah. Hurling myself around the country, you know, and I got a six year old and. Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

How long has it been since you've

[Lauren Lapkus]

been on the show? I don't remember. Has it been. It's been a while.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's been a couple years. Because I know that after I did the show, we were DMing and I

[Lauren Lapkus]

got pregnant and then you told me

[Rachel Feinstein]

you were pregnant and I felt so privileged that you told me so early. Yeah, I was kind of using that as a credit for a while. I was like, you know, I kind of. I knew earlier. Yeah, I was weirdly Proud that you told me that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I kept it. But when. When the news was out, I was like, yeah, I got that a few chapters ago, bitches.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, you're fucking sorry. You're like, that's old news.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, sorry.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, I wait for, like, three months to tell anybody.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I. I waited a long. I didn't tell anybody till I was like, bottom of the ninth. Everybody just thought I was fat. Yeah, I. I waited so long that it was ludicrous. I was just wearing all these long smocks that. Just dressing like a Golden Girl. It was ridiculous.

[Lauren Lapkus]

This is the second time I've heard Golden Girls today.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did Joe bring it up? Because Deroza loves the Golden Girls.

[Lauren Lapkus]

What?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes.

[Lauren Lapkus]

No, no. Jared Freed did. Said he watches it every night before he goes to bed.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Jews do like the Golden Girls. And I speak for the Jews.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Is that. Is that what it is? Is that why, you know, Joe derosa is not Jewish?

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, but Joe. Joe is not. But Joe likes it. Because he's a woman. Because he's a lady.

[Lauren Lapkus]

But did you know that he's not Jewish? I didn't know that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I did know because Joe calls me every Christmas and reminds me of what the Jews did to Christ. Every year, ask about it. Every year he calls me, he's like, well, well, well. Pig. Look what you did. Look what you fucking did. Look what a mess you made, you foul Jew. Yeah. Every year without. Like, literally every year. And then I remind him, he's like, so you thought it was a nice idea to hang him up on a cross? It's disgusting.

[Lauren Lapkus]

It's disgusting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I'm always like, you know, it felt like closure. It felt like we, you know, we kind of. It's sort of. There was a sense of calm that came after, afterwards. Yeah, I was reminded of that. But no, he reminds me every year that I'm a dirty, dirty Jew.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I thought that he was Jewish. And so I was on Story wars, and I, like, made a comment, and I was like, whatever. That's because you're Jewish. And he's like, I'm not Jewish. And I'm like, you look Jewish.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, but I get it.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Because he's.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Because he has, like. He seems like he'd be allergic to a lot of things, you know? Yeah, he seems like he'd have, like, crippling dairy allergies and stuff.

[Lauren Lapkus]

He just.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He looks like he'd eat a lot of soup.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Maybe it's his hair.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It might be his hair. He has frizzy hair and he complains A lot.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

People know that I'm either from a Jew and from New York almost immediately because I just. To me, connecting is just bitching. You know what I mean?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And everywhere else I go, I feel like I just come off as alarmingly negative. But that's my way of connecting to people, is just telling them what I'm furious about. Yeah. And so I think that's why people think Joe. Yeah. Cause Joe's always complaining. He's like, do you believe this shit? Yes.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He's always just calling me with some gripe. Yeah. I'm like, what are you complaining about, Joe? You've gotten mounds of pussy that you didn't deserve. A lot of it. I'd like to be the Robin Hood of ass and take it away from Joe. Yeah. But he plays the long game. He just stays at the bar, you know, wears him down, brings him back to his house and they look at a. Yeah, a pop up Star wars book. I didn't mean to kick this off, trashing Joe so much. I mean, it feels great, but I don't regret it.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Joe was just on the show and he was talking about how he doesn't. Doesn't take girls to his Monday night. Like, on Monday nights, he likes to go to the mothership and, like, hang out with the boys. And he's like, I don't take girls to that. They have to, like, earn that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stay an extra date just so I can bring a girl there and drop her off. Oh, Joe's code. No, that's when I'm with the men. Joe, you're not a man. You're not among the men. You're a little bitch boy. And I. But I do love him, but he is a bitch boy. Oh, Joe fucking Joe.

[Lauren Lapkus]

So it's been a couple years since you're on the podcast. I was pregnant then and I'm pregnant now. I feel like I've been pregnant forever.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

Your daughter is six now.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She's six. Little Frankie.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And y' all live in New York?

[Rachel Feinstein]

We live in Queens. Yeah, we live in New York, yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Does she like it?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, she didn't really know anything. Well, that's not true. She goes everywhere. But I think she's pretty into it. She's a queen's kid, you know?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Does she have a little accent?

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, I don't hear people. I don't hear my own. Do I have one?

[Lauren Lapkus]

A little bit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do. See, I don't hear it. Yeah, but she must oh, my God. And my husband's just ludicrous. It's like a cartoon or something.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Then I'm sure she has one.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He also says ratiator. I'm like, it's not a ratty atter. Or sometimes they'll say ratty atter. It's so deep.

[Lauren Lapkus]

A radiator?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. I'm like, it's a radiator. It's disgusting.

[Lauren Lapkus]

My. My husband's dad says to let toilet. I can't even say it the way he does, but he's like, toilet, Toilet. And for the longest time, I was like, what?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. What the are you saying?

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

I don't know what you're saying.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And he's like, the toilet. Do you know where the toilet is? And I'm like, I have no idea where the toilet is. I don't know what a fucking toilet is. Do they.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you say, wait, where did you grow up, dear?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Texas. Dallas.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But you have no accent. Really?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I. No, I don't farm.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you say y' all and all?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I say y'? All? Yeah, because it's easier than you all or you guys, right? I lived in California for a really long time, and I said you guys a lot. I never said y' all when I lived in California.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Because you didn't. You don't want to sniff it on you.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I guess so.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, that's how.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That's how I feel about it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And then they sniff it on me right away. The east coast of la, too.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I just feel like, hey, you guys.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, hey, you guys. That's what I say every day. But y'.

[Lauren Lapkus]

All.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Y' all sound so fucking cute. I'm gonna. I'm gonna be that bitch tonight. Just that dumb bitch that's gonna go on, and I'm gonna wear cowboy boots and be like, hey, y', all, are we ready to do this? Please do. I really want to just so I could have somebody throw a cup at my dumb head?

[Lauren Lapkus]

No one would throw a cup like, y'. All. You know what?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm fixing to get down.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Not a single person would think you were kidding.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh, yeah. If you did that the whole time, you would have a whole new shtick.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I was asking my friend what I should wear, because I don't know how to. Actually, I was texting Rose about a few options, and she was like, no, no. Fuck ASOS orders. Actually, that's what I do. I just screenshot my ASOS orders, and my friends are like, no, you don't wear that. But one of my girlfriends was like, she's like, it's Texas. Go Western. I'm like, I'm not going to be that hole that comes in some sort of western costume. Do people here make fun of girls that come, like, show up in cowgirl boots from New York? Is that like a thing that gets mocked?

[Lauren Lapkus]

No one gets made fun of. This is not New York. New York. You would get made fun of.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You're right, everybody.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Texas here, we're like, I feel like people welcome it. We're like, oh, you look really cute. Like Rosebud was wearing her cowboy boots. And I was like, I didn't realize that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I was like, you look cute. Like, I feel like it's, it's a choice.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Do you guys agree? I would not get trashed if I showed up at the mothership tonight with my pink, my pink sequins. I think you don't go pink. You look like a, like a bride's like, yeah, don't worry, I don't have pink cowboy.

[Lauren Lapkus]

A bachelor. He's trying to say like, you're like at a bachelorette party.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes, but regular cowgirl boots. Don't worry, I don't have time to buy any. I'm not doing this. But I'm, But I'm just asking, do you guys think I would be trash?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I don't think so.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, you're around comics that know you're from New York. Yeah, you're right. They trash me now. They trash you. Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

But you can use it to your advantage.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like how?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Be like, I'm going to be like gay like Joe derosa.

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[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Derosa. And I was bombed so bad in Amsterdam. We were doing this gig and we both bombed. So this is not to trash Joe more, but sure, why not? But after we both bombed pretty violently with some sort of TV show in Amsterdam years ago, and he bombed so bad that they ran out of things to cut to in the room and they just cut to a woman drinking an empty glass, I took it right in the chin. On that show, though, there was like some host and he used to, like, act like he barely made it in. Like, that was like the opening gag. Like, he would go through the kitchen and be like, I am running out of time. And then he would just like, slide in, like, hey, made it to my own show. Yeah. And then Joe and me came on and they set us right back home. You know when you think you're not gonna bomb and you're like, let me clean this up. Yeah. I went up there, like, let me show people how this actually is done. And they're like, no thanks.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Beat it, dude. I had an opposite experience one time in London. I was performing at the backyard comedy club. And when I got there, I was, like, so confident in my set. I was like, I was like, just ecstatic to do some of this, like, new material that I had written about Kensington and, like, where I was. And, like, I was just on cloud nine about it. Got on stage, I felt like I had such a great set, like, no one laughed.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But you didn't know.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I could. I could hear that no one was laughing. But I. My content. What I was saying was so good that I was like. I was like, you guys are fucking idiots. Cause you're not getting this joke. And it was obviously not their problem. It was mine. I wasn't reading the room. But anyway, my point is, I was like. Even when I got. Even when I got off stage, I was so proud of myself for my set because I thought that it was, like, the material. I was just, like, so thrilled about my London material that I had written that day.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. That. You were like, you're welcome.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I. Yeah, I was like, I don't know. Goodbye.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I gifted you with that. I don't know why you didn't accept my fucking gift basket of a set, dude. I would. I would take any drug that would make me feel like that. Any drug. I'd snack on whatever brand of Xanax makes you not realize you just bombed.

[Lauren Lapkus]

It was my only time. This was the only time that I've ever felt like this.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

But the star of the show that was coming on, everybody was talking about this guy that was gonna come on and he was gonna, like, close the show. And he was this old guy that was doing prop comedy. And I was like, oh, wow, I can't wait to see. Like, these people fucking hated me. Like, I can't wait to see what they like.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. That doesn't make you feel better, though, right?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I was like, I just want to see it. And so he comes out and he's got this, like, silver briefcase. And he acted like he ran on stage, like, barely made it. Like, this is why this story's hitting me, because you're talking about this host. And he runs on stage, like, he just barely made it on. And he opens up his suitcase, and he takes out two, like, water guns and, like, shoots them. And, like, strings come out.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He shot two.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Two little water guns, incred. And, like, string comes out. And he's like, I don't want to do that tonight.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I want to wear my pig poison.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Fired.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Does he say shots fired?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I don't remember what he said.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Tremendous.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Everybody laughed so hard, and my heart just broke.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Speaking of being in the Robin Hood of, you know, how much ass he got. I'd like to take that away from him, too, because, you know, he was just filled to the brim with ass.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I. Dude. And I'm like, this is what these people like.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I feel like it does make you feel a little better, though, when you have to. When you go after. When you bomb before that level of hack. I had a show once when. And I'm not name dropping, but I was at the Stardome, I think, in Alabama. I've made it. I've arrived in show business. And I had an opener there. And his main thing was how he called himself the Beaver Hunter. And he's like, I'm a beaver hunter. I got a catch and release program. And then he sold stickers after. And he'd be like, I grabbed a beaver. You know, I fuck it and I guess I release it. That was his whole thing is I fuck beaver. And then I let it back out in the wild. And they went crazy, my friend. And then afterwards I was like selling my little fucking. Like that little thing, you know, for your fucking album. I had some sort of. And you could just scan it in your phone and they're like, we won't be needing to scan anything. All we need to do actually is buy the Beaver Hunter stickers. Because he sold bumper stickers that said beaver Hunter Catch and release. Go get that beaver. And everyone just fucking. They were going like flying like hotcakes. I was violently depressed that night.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That's how I felt. Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

I mean, it's like.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's like later I realized that it was not so bad because, you know, that's what they wanted. But in the eye of the storm, now that I think about it, I've never.

[Sponsor Voice / Announcer]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

There's a period after a bomb where you really don't even. Sometimes I don't walk very well or easily twitching. Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah. Well, there's nothing worse than actually bombing and thinking you're just doing really good.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I think it's a great attitude to have out there in the world.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I was like, nobody liked it, but

[Rachel Feinstein]

I had a great set. Somebody that goes. Go like leave stage smiling the way you smile is hilarious.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I'm like, you guys should have just seen what I said.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Just skipping off some the of the

[Lauren Lapkus]

best I've ever written. No one laughed. And it was just like. And then I saw what they liked and I was like, wow, I'm not made.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

For this.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Why did you realize. Because it does come over you at a certain point in the evening.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Or you know, when you don't really bomb that bad. And then you kind of convince yourself it wasn't as bad as you thought it was.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And then usually somebody. Somebody late. If it's a TV thing, somebody let me know the comments. But sometimes you just start to realize you're like, no, that was a bomb. That's when I started doing the night feeding in the hotel. That's when piggy gets to real work, dude.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I had. At the time I had an assistant, and she was with me. And she. When we left, she was like, hey, you know your set wasn't that bad. And I was like, no, I know, it was great. Like, I was like, I know, I know. And she was like, no, but I know that nobody laughed and you might not be feeling 100%. And I'm like, no, I actually, I feel. So we should go to a bar, like, and celebrate. Celebrate.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Celebrate is incredible.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I was like, this has been one of the best days of my life. And she was like, okay, I just. I just want to make sure that you're okay. And I'm like, I've never been better. Like. And so the whole. The whole evening, what did it for you?

[Rachel Feinstein]

What made you realize that you weren't what they were after?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I mean, everything becomes hindsight, right? And then.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right. Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And so after a while, I was just like, wow, I should probably never use any of those jokes ever again. And just like, just keep that for me because. Because I guess what it really was is I was trying to also make like, a new demo tape, you know, and I was trying to, like, status.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, let me get this out to the show business.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And so I asked the place if they could send me the footage, and they were like, okay, like, if you really want it. I'm like, yeah, I'd love it. I'd love to see, like, what I did. And so they sent it to me and then I could see.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, that's when it. Yeah, you had to watch yourself.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And then I watched it, still thought I had a great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't even know where to place this. It's fascinating.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I don't know, it's.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I want whatever this is.

[Lauren Lapkus]

It's like some of my. My favorite personal content. Like, I just think the jokes are just so funny.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I will say this the worst. I bombed. It is funny. Later. Bombing is inherently funny if you think about it. You're not. To the crowd. They didn't care.

[Sponsor Voice / Announcer]

No.

[Lauren Lapkus]

No one laughed. And that's what. That's what made me go, like, whoa.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I did a. Where I had to play for a. It was, I don't know, some. Some older, rich country club. And you know how there's always like some nervous woman, some like frizzy haired lady with a clipboard that's like nervous about your performance around some lady with. Anita was like, Bothering me with all these unnecessary questions, you know what I mean? And she had, like, seven paragraphs planned to introduce me. She's like, it all started when she realized she first had it. It's. I'm like, no, no, just a credit is fine. Just one TV reference that's. That'll wrap it up. Anita. Yeah. Shaking like, trying to fudge it. Just this arthritic woman trying to memorize an index card she had that was way too long.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Did she try to tell you to have a clean set, too?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, here's what she did tell me. So she tells me. So much unnecessary thing, how many tables there are in the room, the history of their company. I'm like, I couldn't give a fudge. I still don't remember. I have no idea what it was.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She's like, when we first found it, I'm like, oh, no one cares about the backstory of a company. I'm like, yeah, I'm just playing for a check and I'm going to leave here. Yeah. And then she was like, yeah. She told me about the origin stories of when they first. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. Shut up, Anita. Then she goes, so right before you go up, just one quick thing. And I go, oh, what's that? She goes, I said, I'm going right up, right? And after you, you know, finally shake and intro me, and she goes, oh, just one quick thing. And then you. And I go, what's that? And I swear to God, she said, just a special needs choir singing the Star Spangled. I swear to God. I swear to God, this happened. When I say it, it feels like I'm lying. I cannot believe it's true. I had to follow a special needs choir. Oh, say, like, that's what I followed. And by the way, like, I'd rather follow Hitler, because at least you can trash. I could trash Hitler. I can't fucking trash a special needs choir. They were so special needs that their parents were somehow in the front row. By the way, why were parents even invited to any of this?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Like, this wasn't about kids.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was just, like, some company thing, and they didn't think they'd be able to make it through. They thought they were. This was. It was anyone's guess whether they were gonna be able to finish. And when they did, they were very emotional. And then I had. And then they were like. And next up, Anita into the mic. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I mean, I bombed wildly that night, by the way. They were still hugging each other and high fiving next to me. I'm like, beat it. Get out of the room now. Celebrate outside. You let me clean this up. They were like, high five each other and hugging. I'm like, all right, move your special party to the lobby. Come on. Celebrate in the lobby. Yeah. No, they were. Yeah, they were. They were delighted. And they. And you know what? Somebody, one of the moms asked me, how do I did. I think it went worst thing a comedic ever. So how did you feel about that? Yeah, I'm like, well, I didn't fucking feel good actually, because I bombed it terribly. Because it turns out it's kind of tricky to follow a fucking special needs choir.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That is kind of tricky, isn't it?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Singing the national fucking anthem.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Not much to say about that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

How about a goddamn heads up?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh, my gosh, that's so funny. My eyes are watering.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

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[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, oh well. Let's talk about dating. Let's talk about.

[Sponsor Voice / Announcer]

I know.

[Lauren Lapkus]

It's so much more fun than talking about dating. Let's see. I remember I asked you how your husband proposed and it was at a restaurant.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. And then found it in.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I remember all that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

You have a six year old now. Are you gonna have any more kids?

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, I'm done. That was the first. First and last.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Is it. I feel like once you get to like past a certain point, you don't want to go back and do it again either.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, it's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That's why this is happening.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. It's done. It's a wrap. I mean. No, for just for our lives. Because like the way he travels, I mean the way he works overnight and

[Lauren Lapkus]

the way he's a fireman.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. And I think the way. And like the. With between that it's like enough to juggle with this, you know, with our weird careers. I feel like this is.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I do tell your story all the time about when you go to a restaurant and you like to order a salad and then. Or have him tell the way.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I like to have a guy reorder for me. Yes. It makes me laugh every time.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That's, that's.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They tell me like, I really want the chicken salad, but I'm like, you know, I think I'll have a fat steak. And I like to be like, oh no, we're going to make a different choice for her body. But you know, you know where I got that idea? Because like a long time ago a friend of mine told me that, you know, you ever meet somebody, like, I complain a lot about everything, obviously, but like that you're, you know, my parents are good people, but you know, I like to. About the mistakes they made. Clearly a couple because I'm here but you know, I'm a comedian. Not here in this building.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm saying obviously something went awry, but, but they're for the most part pretty good parents. And I'm always fascinated when people come from a really fucked up childhood and they just like let you know one thing. You're like, good God, like I should, you should be complaining all this time. And I had a friend years ago and she mentioned to me that when she was growing up she said something about like, you know, my mom, sometimes she would have rough days and I remember her tucking me in sometimes and she would always remind me that like I didn't have like the right, you know, body type and stuff like that. And, and that there was a Good and a bad one. And I was like, that is one of the most evil things I've ever heard. And you don't bitch about it. And I just pictured some lady tucking her in. Like, there's a. You know, there's a correct and incorrect body. You have the wrong sort of body.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Especially funny because she talked her in with that. Like, she's like, your body is inherently foul, lady. Night. Sweet dreams. I'm like, why didn't you ever tell me this? She also told me that her. She'll not see this. I had to think about that for a second, but she won't. She also told me that her mom used to tell her scary stories at night because she would get scared in the middle of the night. Her mom was obviously a demon, and that she would tell her about some sort of orphanage down the pike where the children were tortured.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Okay, that's terrible. My mom used to fuck me up with false stories, too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like what?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I remember the first time I ever shaved my leg, and I told my mom, I was like, I really want to shave my legs. And she was like, but you're only, like, 9 years old or whatever it was. And I was like, yeah, but, like, kids are making fun of me, and, like, I want to shave my legs. And, like, can you help me? And she's like, I'll just get you, like, a protective razor. And, like, you can.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, she wouldn't want to help you.

[Lauren Lapkus]

She did not help me.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Why would you.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I don't know. Weird, dude. And so she wanted you to bleed, I guess. So I bled so, so bad. I cut my. The up out of my stuff. I was like Edward Scissorhands, you know, trying to shave my legs for the first time. I had no idea what I was doing to scrape my shins all to shreds. And then I get out of the shower, and I'm like, mom bleeding?

[Rachel Feinstein]

You came out all mangled.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah. No, she was like, ooh, I hope you don't get gangrene.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She's. She said, I hope you don't get gangrene. Yeah, hilarious.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And I go, gangrene.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Hope you don't. Is funny, too, because it sort of. It sort of says, again, you're on your own. Like, yeah, that's on you.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

She's not.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, that's not gonna be something she's going to be taking care of either. That was like saying, yeah, I hope you don't get aids.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, hope you don't.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's not my problem. Yeah, I'll Be taking you off my insurance, actually. Yeah, you'll be. You'll be teeming with AIDS and a little AIDS pool.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That was her response. And I'm like, gangrene? What's gangrene? And she's like, oh, it's when you, like, cut yourself and you get an infection and then they might have to, like, amputate your leg. And I'm like, amputate my leg?

[Rachel Feinstein]

This is extremely alarming. This is.

[Lauren Lapkus]

This is nine years old. This is like a story that my mom, which still to this day, every time I shave anything on my body, every single time, I would think, so this pops in my head and I'm

[Rachel Feinstein]

like, I did ask my mom for a bra. I remember feeling like I was ready to be in a bra and floating the idea to her and her repeating that I didn't need a bra. And then she was like, well, then where would the breasts go? The breasts have to. And she just kept being like, but there's nothing there. There's nothing occurring in that part of your body. I'm like, no, I need one. I want one. I just thought my life would get started when I fuck and had a bra, you know? Yeah. And there was this movie, like a comedy I watched where they. I think it was top secret. They pop up one by one, the girls, and they are in this row in the sand, and then they. There's like little tit holes where their tits were. And that was my goal in life, was just to make perfect tit holes in the sands. But I had nothing. But just. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't.

[Lauren Lapkus]

But. But still. Just get her.

[Rachel Feinstein]

If you're. If your daughter's asking you for a bra, just, like, get her one. It's cute, you know, Like, Frankie asked me for a little training bra. I mean, not now. That'd be alarming and sick at my kid. Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

But some days she will.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like at like 11 or 12 or whatever. Yeah. So my mom was like, no, you don't have breasts. There's no breasts to put in it.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And then.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And then I floated. The saddest idea ever. I was like, well, maybe if I get the bra, this is going to make you cry at home, so be ready. I said, maybe if I get the bra, then maybe the breast will want to. That actually makes sense. Kind of like a bill. They will build it. You will build it. They will come. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And she was. I think she actually felt sad enough for me after hearing that. That she was like, oh, you're In a dark space. All right, I'll get you a fucking bra, bitch. She got me a red bra. And then. And then I was. I had like this guy in my. In my class or we used to skip school together. He was like a skater. The skaters were always really funny in high school. And we. I remember we went and sat in our skateboards and I decided that I was gonna show him the bra. And I. This is the moment, actually, the comedian that I think about it. And I. We sat there in the middle of this. This, like, you know, we skipped school. We were like, sitting on some tennis court somewhere. My friend was out getting finger in the woods, and I was just trying to, like, make my big fucking bra debut so I could catch a finger myself. And then. So we were sitting on our skateboards, and all of a sudden I was like, he's not making a move. He was just looking at his own lighter. I remember, like, he was more intrigued by his own lighter than me. You know what I mean? I've always been into those guys too, which. I don't know what that says, but, yeah, like, he was more fascinated with a Bic lighter flame. And then. So I decided to just take off my sweatshirt and show him my bra. I think at this point might not have been the same bra. I was probably like 14 or 15 or something, but I. I took off my sweatshirt and I just sat there with my red bra. I just sat back down like a complete, complete dick face. And nothing happened. Like, nothing changed. He continued to choose his lighter over a brand new set of tits that were obvious more advanced at that point. The bra had worked, I imagine. Yeah. But he was still like, hard pass. And I was not prepared for this because I was like, I.

[Lauren Lapkus]

It was Joe Derosa.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was. It was Derosa. And then he got those hips on me and he fucked. What the is wrong with me?

[Lauren Lapkus]

He didn't do anything.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I wasn't.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I was just like, you still don't get to come Monday night. But also, it's like, there's no movie

[Rachel Feinstein]

that prepares you for that. Like, I knew. I thought at the very least when. When tits are presented, something happens. I was unprepared for the scenario where a man does nothing. He served a rack on a plate, and he's just kind of like, well,

[Lauren Lapkus]

like, how many fingers am I holding up?

[Rachel Feinstein]

He's like, I think I'll just keep eating my corn chips and stare at my own lighter and, yeah, hand your own rack back to you.

[Lauren Lapkus]

God, what a method.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I didn't Know I had no thank you tits, but I guess I did. He was like, no, thanks. I'm all set here.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I remember the first time I bought a thong. I was also with my mom. She took me to the mall, and I told her that I needed a thong. I was like, I need a thong. I can't be wearing these underwear with my pants because you can see the line. And so I actually want to be, like, more discreet. She's like, okay, if you want a thong, like, we'll go get you a thong. So I went to this store, and it was blue, and it was, like, sheer material, and it was a G string. It wasn't even, like, a thong. It was just a string.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The guys at home are already flapping around, beating to this.

[Lauren Lapkus]

A G string. And I had it in this bag, and I bought it, and I put it in this bag, and we get all the way to the car, and then we drive off, and we're at a stoplight, and I pull my thong out, and I'm holding it like this, and I'm, like, looking at it, and I'm like, wow. Like, my very first. First thong. And then the guys next to me honked their horn, and they're like, hey, that looks good. How old were you?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I was.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I don't. I was in high school.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And I was in. I was in high school at this time. And I was like. And I was, like, so embarrassed. And I was like, oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I saw your thong, you dirty little squirrel.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I know. I know. And then after that, I was like, oh, my gosh. And my mom was just like, boys are already seeing your thong. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh. And it was. That was, like, the first time that I had been, like, really embarrassed.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Yeah, I know that feeling where you're

[Lauren Lapkus]

just like, oh, I just want to, like, shrivel up and die. That I was like. And then the guys.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, they didn't see you in the thong though them?

[Lauren Lapkus]

No, but it was just like.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's a private moment. You deserve to celebrate your own goddamn thong in peace inside of your mom's grocery getter.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You deserve to be sitting at that Kia spirit portage, enjoying that pleasurable moment with your own thong. That's what it feels like to be a woman. Something, something empowerment, something.

[Lauren Lapkus]

What the.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, I. I think that also those early moments are always the worst fit. Like, the biggest fail. You know, I used to think that it was. That it was Hot. To put your hair to one side and go like this, like. And I used to do that to all the cars behind me. You know, just like, put all my. And my parents knew the game. They were like, stop playing sexy. My dad would just kind of backwards swat me. Yeah. They knew what I was doing, which is strange because I would probably get a little more involved if I was a parent with that, like, with my child seducing strangers. But, yeah, my dad was just nothing more than a mindless backwards swat. He's like, knock it off. Yeah. Was your dad protective? Did you have protective Ben in your life?

[Lauren Lapkus]

God, I can't even remember. I don't. I don't think he. Like, I'm sure that he was, but not as protective as he should have been. My dad wasn't, like, around a whole lot.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

My parents were married.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

All the way until the day my dad died. But my dad was kind of absent.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. My dad definitely not protective dad either. Yeah, like, he wasn't like, I. I always wanted to have one of those dads that's like, you know, you want to be bad, you know, tapping a watch. Yeah. There was no follow up calls with my dad. Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Like, I got. I got. There was, like, things that I did that were bad and then I would get grounded or he'd take my car away.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Like, there was, like, things like that that would happen. But I wouldn't say that. He was, like, super protective.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. My parents. My parents weren't either. They were the least protective people. My mom actually put her address on the keys and we were like, always. She was always off social working and. Yeah, she'll never love me as much as she loves, like, a black teenager, you know, she doesn't know very well. Yeah. So she was always, like, doing her social work stuff. And then we were just, like, at home with ramen, which is fine because she was working, but she put her keys on, the address on the keys, and it just said, like, if lost, please return to. And I've reminded her of this now, and she just starts to cry. She's like, I don't know if that happened. Maybe it did. She's always about to cry when I, like, gently remind her of any reality.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Do it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

My mom. Yes, I did. Put it in your skit, Rachel Louise. Fine.

[Lauren Lapkus]

My mom's the same way. I was telling her she always start

[Rachel Feinstein]

crying when you try to.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Like, she does cry, but she, like, denies that she does stuff.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, my mom, too. She rewrites reality.

[Lauren Lapkus]

No, no, no, no, no. No.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Our moms are like, you after bombing.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah. Just.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't see where it went wrong. And I'm like, a lot. You basically invited people to Sagittary. Rape me if lost. Here's where to finish. My daughter. Excuse me.

[Lauren Lapkus]

When I was going on Story Wars. I can't believe this. This is coming up so much. I was going on Story wars, and the theme was betrayal, and I had to come up with, like, five stories that were, like, about betrayal. And I told. And I was with my mom, and I was like, I just. I don't want to do anything about relationships because they're gonna know that the story is mine. So I want to come up with these.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You mean the guys you dated would know?

[Lauren Lapkus]

No. So on Story wars, it's with.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I did it once, but I don't. I don't remember this.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

So you have to.

[Lauren Lapkus]

You submit, like, five stories. Right?

[Rachel Feinstein]

They tell it. Right. Right. Now I remember. Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And then they ran. And then the other two people on your panel submit stories, and then everyone has to guess whose story it is. And I didn't want any. And I knew that if I submitted all, it was two guys on the panel.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

[Lauren Lapkus]

So I'm like, they can't be about relationships. It just has to be about betrayal in general. And so I'm, like, sitting there with my mom, and I'm, like, trying to brainstorm, like, times in my life that have, like, I've experienced betrayal, and they were all about my mom. So, like, I was like, oh, what about that time that we were at Joe's Crab Shack, and I. And there was that big, giant plastic shark that took up the whole entire ceiling, and you told me that that was real and that was a taxidermied shark. And you made me believe that for, like, years and years and years. And she was like, no, then everyone's gonna think that I'm lying to you about, like, sharks being that a shark can be taxidermied. And I was like, that's because you betrayed me.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. And that's an interesting point to snag on there. Like, maybe, why did I tear, act terrify on purpose?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Tell me that. And made me believe that forever?

[Rachel Feinstein]

She's like, why did I gift you with nightmares? Like, terrifying nightmares?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I'm like, okay, what about the time when we were, like, driving to Vegas from California, and I was asking you what that tree was, and you said it was a yucca tree? And then we were driving, and I said, that tree looks the same. What is that? And you were like a Joshua tree. And so for four hours, she would be like, that's a yucca tree. That's a Joshua tree. And then I'm like, how do you know the difference? And she's like, I don't. I actually don't know what those are.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So she just said it to make

[Lauren Lapkus]

you feel like, yeah, she's just a dude.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What the.

[Lauren Lapkus]

For no reason.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Make your own daughter feel dumb.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, for. For like four hours. And I'm like, racking my brain.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Meanwhile, my daughter treats me the opposite way. Like, I tell her things and she's like. Like, she was singing the months of the year the other day. Like, when I picture, she's cocky because I overcorrected with her, so she never thinks she's wrong about anything and everybody else needs to, like, catch up. So I picked her up from school. She was singing the months of the year, but, like, mangling them. That was like a disaster. She didn't know them yet. You know, she's like, Janma, Mary annewary, man. You know, I was like, you're like, mess. But instead of saying that, I just. And I was so proud of this sainted motherly choice, I just. Just did it correctly. Instead of the mangled, jacked up months she was not memorizing. Yeah. So I was just like, January, February, March, and April. And I was so proud of myself. And. And my daughter just stops me, like, right in the middle of April. And she was like, mommy, I think you got most of the months wrong. It's like, no, you don't know anything. But she always assumes I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, of course she was. She was zooming past my room the other day, and she just looked in the room and she goes, what's going on with you? And it's like you are running. You're doing errands with a purse with, like, my masking tape in it. You know what I mean? Are you asking me what my plan is today? Which she gets from my husband for sure, because he always asks me what my plan is, which is such a obnoxious question.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Ask you what your plan is?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, like you were just scrolling on your own bed. Like, it's just like a haunt. Like, just curled over your phone. And my husband. So what's your plan? Or whatever. And I'm like, like, beat it. I'm gonna architect. I don't have one. Yeah, he likes to really get going, really dive in early on.

[Lauren Lapkus]

What's his plan?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, he's Basically, his plan is to track his chargers throughout the day, I think. Yeah, he's always mad at me because I've lost a charger or whatever, you know? Like, I think at this point in our marriage, that's how he sees me. Just a woman that loses his chargers.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Do you. Do you misplace things a lot?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes. Yeah, I'm a dizzy bitch. I mean, I would be a pain to be with. Like, already this weekend, I have lost the key to the mothership condo maybe twice. Had to go back downstairs to, like, get it. You know what I mean? And, like, there's always, like, some fucking hot MMA guy that, like, helps me, which I do appreciate. Maybe that's why I keep losing it.

[Lauren Lapkus]

You're like, I'm back.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. But I'm like. Like, the whole weekend, I'm just like, I hope that nobody at the club. Now I'm putting it out there, like, knows how dumb I am because I'm just doing, like, wildly dumb things. I'm like, hope it doesn't get back to them.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I think it's just mom brain.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, maybe it is, because I do. I. Today I went down to the front desk and then didn't realize. From the gym and didn't realize that I had. This is dark. Like, this will reorganize your view of me. I didn't realize that I had that. The mat. Those black mats from the gym, and I had it under my arm. And I just, like, came to the lobby, like, asking for a key, and they're like, why is there a fucking exercise mat under your arm? I live every day. Like, you know when you bump into somebody, like, right before they overdose? That's kind of how I live. And then you, like, share notes with your friend. Like, oh, did you see. Yeah, she was kind of off. Like, you know. You know, she had an exercise mat tucked under her arm, actually. And she left a debit card at the front desk. That fucking whistled. Yeah, that's kind of how I live every day. There's a moment. Cause Rosebud was staying over last night with our girls, and there was definitely a moment where her and her friend just sort of, like, looked like, oh, my God. Yeah. Cause I lost my phone twice this weekend. Yeah, I left it in the fucking. The driver, you know, like, I left it in his car. I paid him 200 bucks to bring it back to me, though. Oh, yeah.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

Sucks.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, he. But the second. It was, the second time I lost the phone, that they were just like, oh, we're dealing with another thing Here.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, this is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She's a deeper moron than we could have ever imagined. This bitch is a real dumb hole. She's a hole in the team. Yeah, like I would compromise a mission if I was in the mill. I mean, that's the dumbest example because you wouldn't be admitted to the military. We. Obviously you have nothing to offer. You can be like a spy. But. Yeah, no, I, I'm. Yeah, I was. I run a loose, loose ship and my husband, like, he, like, I borrowed his, you know, like AirPods once and lost them. I. He'll never forgive me for that. Like, he probably sees that every time he looks at me, just. Fucking bitch that lost my fucking air. He's backed up about that. It probably. He probably can't come come sometimes because he remembers that I lost his.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh, the worst thing I've ever done to my husband is accidentally threw his Nintendo away.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, the whole thing?

[Lauren Lapkus]

The whole console. So still to this day. Oh my God, if he sees this. Oh, it's going to just start back up again.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Nintendo is an entire gaming suit.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And all the games. And all the games. Okay, hold on, but let me, let me just preface that. It was all in a trash can to begin with. So when I was cleaning out his. It all starts with a spring cleaning. So I was spring cleaning the laundry room where it was. There was so much shit in there that he had never touched for like three years. And so he wasn't home. And I texted him and I was like, is there anything in this laundry room that you're like very attached to that you want very badly or I'm gonna like, chuck a bunch of. And I'm gonna clean it out. And he was like, no, I don't think so. Yeah, and I was like, okay, so I'm throwing away. And there was this like, gray trash can that was like, you know, maybe like a foot wide and like 2ft tall. And I open it up, it's just a bunch of wires, which. Cables?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, the cables. I could see chucking a whole bunch of cables.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I like, pulled out a bunch of cables. There was more cables. I pulled out a bunch more cables. There was more cables. And I was like, you know, if it's been three years and you got a bunch of cables in a trash can just sitting in here, you probably don't need it. So I took it to the. The. What's the hole? We were on the 17th floor or something and then. Oh, that trash chute. Trash chute. So I just took it to the trash Chute and just went and just like, threw it away. Gone about two weeks.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, that stuff does land somewhere. You could always go downstairs two weeks later or send me two down there.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I didn't know. He said he didn't need any of this stuff.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

So I throw it away. Two weeks later, I decide that I want to start streaming on Twitch. And I'm like, oh, I need to go buy a PlayStation. I'm gonna go get a brand new PlayStation. And. And he's like, you know, I got a Nintendo. And there's, like, original games from, like, whenever it was that this Nintendo thing came. And I was like, oh, really? Where is it? And he's like, somewhere in the laundry room. And I was like,

[Rachel Feinstein]

okay, didn't get mad.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh. He's like, let me go find it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What does he do when he gets mad? Did he yell?

[Lauren Lapkus]

No, he just holds it against me for the whole rest of my life.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's the worst. I'd rather somebody just scream.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I would too. I'd rather just get, like, reamed and then it'd be done.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And he's like, where? Where? I know I had a Nintendo in here. And I'm like, where was it? And he's like, I don't know, probably where a bunch of cables were. And I was like, oh, yeah, I think I threw that away.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And then.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And then that's what he said. The same look that you just did. And he's like, what do you mean you threw it away? Didn't you? Didn't you look all the way through?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, that's how I get talked to a lot.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And I'm like, didn't you use your

[Rachel Feinstein]

eyes to look good? And I'm like, no, fucking beat it.

[Lauren Lapkus]

What am I gonna do? Like, pull out all the cables and, like, find the fucking thing at the bottom. That's probably more cables. He's like, that was an original. And so then he had to go on ebay and he had to buy, like. Cause you can't buy it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh. Then you had to listen to him describe his games for, like, a month.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And then it was like, on Forever

[Rachel Feinstein]

and Ever actually, originally. Oh, that would infuriate me.

[Lauren Lapkus]

And now, even still, this day, it's like, it's not nothing. Like the time she threw my Nintendo away on my Super Mario thing and this and that. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh, you're welcome for spring cleaning.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, I mean, he.

[Lauren Lapkus]

You could have.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He could have said, oh, my Nintendo's there, and I love it. More than you.

[Lauren Lapkus]

He could have.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. He could have been like, hey, there's a Sega Genesis down there that I have stronger feelings for than my pregnant wife.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, I wasn't pregnant at the time.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right. Makes it a little less bad, but, yeah, I mean, I. I would do that, too. Yeah. I would throw something down to shoot. You know what the. He throws my away, though. He throws my away all the time. He loves throwing things away.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He doesn't like a surface with things on it. I'm like, he's always like, my own nightstand. I'm like, hands off my nightstand. Yeah, yeah. My nightstand is very alarming.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh, he bitched at me, too, about having too many products in the shower. He was like, in the shower? And he's like, you have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 16 products in the shower. He's like, do we need 16 products in the shower? And I was like, no, we don't need 16 products in the shower. I will clean it out. So then the next time he goes in the shower, he's like, where's my body wash?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, you got him. You got him good. I like that one. Well played.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I was like, well, if you take a good look, there's only 14 products in the shower. And he's like, you got rid of my face wash and my body wash? And I was like, well, that's what we didn't need. I know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He always makes me write a book report about every. All of my stuff. He's always like, I have to write, like, some sort of thesis report. Like a. Yeah, like I have to, like, enter it. Like, I'm going through customs with him. He's like, what is the reason that you. This has to be in our home? And I'm like, hey, get bent. How about that? I don't know why I'm talking like a. Like, I'm from the 20s right now, but. Yeah, get bent.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That's so funny.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But he's always just like, what is the original purpose? And you know. Yeah. How much fucking. How much fish did you buy when you have much livestock did you get here? That's basically how he interrogates me.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. And I'm like, those are a series of sprays that I use to create an active lie. That is my appearance now. Hands off, bitch. Beat it. Yeah, I'm trying to create a Paris filter over here instead of a human. All right. If you'd like me to not look extremely alarming. You know how many products I got, by the way, after I Did story wars and looked at the comments. I mean, ooh, those were rough.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, yikes. See? Don't stop looking at the comments.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I can't look at the comments. I know it can't. That set me back a while.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I would never post again if I read comments.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I know. Yeah, I read some of the comments last time I was here, and they did.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Dude, I posted, like, some. One of the promos recently, and someone was just like, my God, she's aged.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, you look amazing.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I'm like, I haven't had Botox in, like, four fucking years. Give me a break.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, and you don't. And you look like you. You're. You look like you do. Yeah, you look. I mean, I'm very aroused by you. I'm not even sure that's your takeaway from my super funny this very day, looking like that. Jesus.

[Sponsor Voice / Announcer]

What?

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's a ridiculous thing to say to.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I can't read comments.

[Podcast Host (Ad Read)]

I can't read.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But you can't. No. Last time I did this podcast. So I'll get ahead of it if anybody wants to remind me that I have a man's voice. I know. I know. I have a man's voice.

[Lauren Lapkus]

You don't have a man's voice.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Ouch. Man. Man voice. There was a lot of that, but there usually is. Yeah, I guess I do. I do have a kind of a raspy, like, oh, this has been through some things.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, but that's not a man's voice.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I have a deep voice, you know, look how quiet they are. They know. No, did you see how quiet they're napping. No, I do, but, you know, it's my voice. What do you want me to do?

[Lauren Lapkus]

But, yeah, I don't think you have a man's voice.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, you asked me something about, like, my type, and then they're like, believe it was something like, we don't. Yeah, well. And it hurt. It hurt.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It really hurts.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Comments in the comments, please.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Can I get a fucking compliment?

[Lauren Lapkus]

I'm. I'm like, fat and old and aged and a mom, and my tits aren't out enough, and there's all kinds of stuff. I'm like, just Google me.

[Rachel Feinstein]

One of the ones that devastated me.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Way hotter than me now, anyway.

[Sponsor Voice / Announcer]

Really?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh, my gosh. It's like, nothing about me is cute. I take like, I went out in a bikini to go to my. My own pool, and my husband was like, yeah, let's see it. Hang it out. And I was like, I'm going back inside.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Someone called me An Oven Dodger if it makes you feel. And I'm like, excuse me, can a promote a date in Tampa, oven Dr. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I've been called an Oven Dodger and my person favorite somebody. Well, what I think about Oven Dodger is that it. It implies that if we loved our country, we would have gone to the oven. Yeah, it was Oven Dodger. And then there was. There's another oven one, but there's been a good. A few good oven ones. Yeah. Somebody just called me snout.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh my gosh, dude, somebody once.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This was probably the funniest one I ever got though, because every. Every whether. I don't know. I think what people think Jews are up to is pretty funny. And I've always enjoyed it. I'm sure I'll get some. Catch some shit for this. But I always think it's funny when people are be like, I know what you're doing or who you're working with. And somebody messaged me that Jews control the interest rates, which by the way, I think is a well known assumption because somebody told me I dated a guy once and he had a friend that also asked me if that was part of the. The Bible, that we control the interest rate. Like it's part of the old test, like the Torah or something. There's like a section on interest rates. I'm pretty sure it was invented before interest rates were. Although I don't know, we'd have to go to a caller. But.

[Lauren Lapkus]

That's so funny.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's good stuff.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah, the things people gravitate to.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Well, anyway, I'm a real snout.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Well, we haven't really talked about dating, but it's been really fun sharing your stories.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you. I had a goddamn delightful time. And you're great. You have another boy, right?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yep.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Congratulations. When is he coming?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Eight weeks. Eight weeks right around the corner.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The end is the end, but it's almost done. Yeah. He better give you make you some nice hot tea. My husband towards the end was. Kept doing like. Kept like, we got to get ready for this. Like, he, like, I was the one not taking seriously. So come on, guys, start. Let's get into this. Come on. What's your plan?

[Lauren Lapkus]

Your plan again?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, he had a stopwatch at the, at the last lap because he was too. He would test how long it took to put up a pack and play. And I'm like, no one needs. That's not something you would time.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Oh my gosh.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice / Announcer]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who needs to do that? Under. He's like, come on, we gotta do it. Let's do the pack and play relays. This had a whistle. It makes you feel any better? That'd be amazing if you gave birth to one of his Nintendo games.

[Lauren Lapkus]

I'm like, oh, just gave birth to Mario Kart. Yes. There it was all, look, I'm giving

[Rachel Feinstein]

back right inside my vag.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Anyway, I shoved it all up inside of me. That's why I'm so big. Like, I've been hiding one big secret.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You had a switch in your stomach, though.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you very much. I love it here. Thank you for having me.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Of course. Tell everyone where they can find you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, yes. Rachel Feinstein on Instagram. And where am I going next? I don't know. I'll be in Montreal, Dallas, a lot of cities. You can go to my website, too. Rachel-Feinstein.com. thank you.

[Lauren Lapkus]

Thank you. Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date. I can't wait. You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number. Your parents are your roommate.