Ali Siddiq (Fitzdog Radio #1128) | Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

Fitzdog Radio #1128: Ali Siddiq | Greg Fitzsimmons

Release Date: February 25, 2026
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Ali Siddiq

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Episode Overview

This episode features comedian Ali Siddiq in a deep, honest, and consistently hilarious conversation with host Greg Fitzsimmons. The two dive into topics spanning family, the grind and craft of standup comedy, trauma and mental health, parenting, Ali's prolific output, the realities of being an independent artist, why Netflix has rejected him, and candid thoughts on race, America, and fatherhood. Expect wide-ranging stories, unscripted riffs, and a window into the personal philosophies and behind-the-scenes challenges of two seasoned comics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Standup Comedy: On/Off Stage Personas

• Ali on His Personality Switch: Ali discusses his reserved demeanor offstage vs. his stage presence.
  • “I’m not on until I’m on…If I was a painter, I’m not gonna always have the brush. Once I put the brush down, I don’t want to talk about colors.” (14:11–15:14)
• Family Doesn't “Get” the Job: Ali shares how after back-to-back interviews, his family still expects him to chat, not understanding his limits for talking.

The Epstein Scandal, Abuse, and the Culture of Silence

• Dark Humor Meets Real Fear: The conversation enters into SVU territory with riffs and grim observations on high-profile abuse cases.
  • “There’s a thousand people on that island and not one of them is a whistleblower? That’s the crazy part.” — Greg (19:11)
• Parenting as Protection: Both comics contrast their vigilance ("Secret Service for my children") with more relaxed parents, linking it to shows like Law & Order: SVU.
• Cycle of Abuse & Street Justice: Ali offers first-hand prison insight about how inmates consider offenses like molestation unredeemable and how cycles of abuse continue.

The Craft of Standup and Success on Their Terms

• Ali on Storytelling vs. Joketelling: Greg lauds Ali’s style—“You got the gift of storytelling…I go back to Cosby to see somebody be able to sit down and draw people in…” (29:21)
  • Ali shares how even injuries and illness don't deter him from performing, and sometimes hard times create the best shows.
• Mental Health and Performance: Both discuss coping through the stage—Ali recounts recent panic attacks and how he manages on tour, sometimes being honest with the crowd about his state, trusting them to “help me through this.” (37:23)
• Ali on His Motivations: “I don’t think I can function without kids. I have to have something to do.” (55:30)
• Greg on Parenting and Independence: The relief and pride when a child becomes fully independent—“When he got that [first grown-up] job…it’s like, I did it.” (53:47)

Personal Stories: Family and Parenting

• Ali describes life with nine children, navigating everything from allergies to sports, special talents, and blending love and comedy:
  • Hasan, his homeschooled 15-year-old son, is a boxer, drummer, and multi-talented—“He’s so much better than me.” (43:51)
  • Daughter as chef/entrepreneur at Rado Market in Houston (52:34)
  • Dealing with serious food allergies, from chicken to seafood to nuts, and learning to embrace newfound freedoms after years of avoidance (59:09, 60:43)
• Multi-generational Living: Ali preps houses for his kids as they get older and talks about being an involved grandfather (84:54)

Industry Realities: Independent Comedy & Netflix Snubs

• Ali on Being Overlooked: Despite his huge audience, special after special is rejected by Netflix & HBO.
  • “Netflix don’t like me…They’ve rejected every single special we’ve ever shot.” (69:16–70:49)
  • He shifted to YouTube for full control after Comedy Central flagged his own content for copyright.
  • Ali and Greg express confusion and frustration at industry gatekeeping, especially when newcomers with little experience are favored over veterans with proven talent and audiences.
• On the Green Room Culture:
  • “The green room is for the headliners, right? Earn space.” (87:12)
  • Both rant about features or MCs bringing girlfriends or overstepping boundaries—reminding newer comics that respect for “the craft” includes backstage etiquette.

America, Immigration, and Political Satire

• Tongue-in-cheek but pointed commentary on America’s lack of a moral compass, struggles over healthcare, education, and the obsession with territorial acquisition (Greenland, etc.).
  • “We suck right now as a nation, but what we did…is put a person in administration that doesn’t know fucking business.” – Ali (81:49)
• Call-outs on Hypocrisy & History: From the treatment of immigrants to the legacy of colonization.
  • “This is a country built on foreign…This is foreign land for everyone, besides the indigenous people.” (75:29)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “I’m Secret Service. Children.” — Ali on protecting his kids (21:59)
• “If you put [child molesters] in the same space with us, we’re going to do what you decided not to do…” (25:09)
• “You have to earn the green room.” — Ali (87:12)
• “Netflix don’t like me…[They] have rejected every single special we’ve ever shot.” (69:16)
• “If I can get them, hardly can they fly.” — Ali, on being a hands-on grandfather (57:05)
• “Your job is to protect my money as well.” (66:51)
• “I am a strong thousandaire.” (28:36)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [14:11] Ali on switching “on” and “off”
• [19:11–20:16] The Epstein scandal, silence, and whistleblowers
• [22:53] Parenting and abduction fears
• [25:09] “Street justice” in prison for sex offenders
• [29:21] Greg’s tribute to Ali’s storytelling
• [31:45] Stand-up while sick or injured
• [34:10] Ali on managing panic attacks and anxiety
• [37:23] Trusting the audience with real vulnerability
• [41:16] Ali discusses his sons and how comedy reflects his parenting
• [43:51] Homeschooling, skills, and privilege contrast
• [52:34] Daughter’s restaurant in Houston, Rado Market
• [55:30] “I don’t think I can function without kids…”
• [69:16–70:49] Netflix rejection and industry frustrations
• [81:49] State of America: business, politics, and policy
• [87:12] “Green room is for the headliners, right?”
• [92:06] Ali’s prolific special output (three unreleased in the can!)
• [93:18–93:38] Announcement of Ali’s first European tour

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Notable Segments: Humor, Industry, and Fastballs

Fastballs with Fitz (85:31–91:05):

• Worst opener story
• Green room etiquette for comics
• “Hackiest bit” confessions—both poke fun at their own early “ladies do this / men do that” stereotypes and topical comedy cliches.

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Tone and Final Takeaway

The tone is candid, friendly, irreverent, but also compassionate and authentic. The conversation flows seamlessly from sharp industry insights to personal vulnerability, generational family stories, and the changing landscape of American comedy. Ali Siddiq stands out not only as a craftsman and hard-working independent, but as a loving father, attentive parent, and the kind of comic whose material bridges the personal and the universal.

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Further Info & Where to Find Ali Siddiq

• Specials: Available on YouTube (search "Ali Siddiq")
• Tour Dates: Ali Siddiq’s Website (including newly announced European tour – Berlin, Rotterdam, Amsterdam, Zurich, Oslo, Bergen, Stockholm in November)
• Restaurant Mention: Rado Market, Houston (2310 Elgin & Emancipation)

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For those who haven’t listened:

This episode is a masterclass in both comedy craft and life philosophy—delivering big laughs, poignant reflection, and real-world advice for comics, parents, and anyone trying to navigate the gap between where they’re from and where they want to go. Ali Siddiq is as real, funny, and sharp as it gets.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Hi, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. I'm sitting in the Greenlab studios here in Hollywood, California. Hollywood adjacent. I think you call this area Beverly Wood. And it's not the suburbs, but it's the center of podcasting right now because we've got some great podcasts coming up. Brad Williams is coming up. Neal Brennan, bunch of people in New York that I'm gonna go to New York and do. And today, of course, Ali Siddiq. Ali Siddiq. Not Ali. Ali Siddiq.

[B]

Call.

[A]

Great dude. Had such a fun time with him last week and now we're sitting in sunny California going into the. I'm going to the beach tomorrow. I'm gonna ride some waves up in Malibu. Sorry, sorry. East Coast. I know it sucks. You're shoveling. I see the videos we get. Sucks. I didn't choose to stay there. I was born There you. You know what I did? I bought a one way ticket to a warm place and I'm surrounded by good looking people. My waitresses are fucking nines. How's your waitress all bundled up with a turtleneck? Anyway, I do remember though, growing up in New York, the snowstorms when you are a kid and this isn't just New York, this is anywhere where it's cold. When you, when you were a kid and you hear that there may be a snow day the next day. I can remember sitting in my bedroom looking out the window at 8 o' clock to 9 o' clock before bed. And the heating grate, we had blown hot air coming out of the heat and great. And I would sit there in my pajamas with the hot air blowing on me and I would see the flurries coming down and I would get electric. I would think about, is tomorrow gonna be a snow day? And you couldn't even sleep. You just laid there. And then finally you woke up the next morning and you opened your eyes and you had to squint because the snow had blanketed everything in a bright white and the sunlight was reflecting into your room and you looked outside and you could see the railing on the porch had about 9 inches of snow on it. And you just go, this is it. And it's a snow day. But you didn't know. It's not official yet. You go downstairs, mom makes me my instant oatmeal with apples in it. And we got the AM radio on and they start listing school closings and they say, mamaroneck High School, Mamaroneck Middle School, St. Teresa's Grammar School. And you have to wait for Tarrytown Public Schools. And you would wait and, and you're looking out the window at that white snow and all of a sudden they would go, tarrytown Public Schools. Yes, yes, a snow day. And you would go, we would go outside and my mom was cheap. We had no snowwear. I used to wear a denim jacket in. It was freezing and it had like a little bit of sheepskin inside of it and Converse sneakers. And she would put bread, bread bags, plastic bread bags over my feet for when the snow melted so my feet wouldn't get wet. And we would go out and when we were about 11 years old, we would get shovels and we would go around the neighborhood and we would shovel driveways for $5 a driveway. And we got our asses out the door because there was other kids in the neighborhood and you had to get there first. And we had shit shovels because my mother did not bother to buy us decent stuff. I had a spade, you know, like a, like a garden spade that has a point at the front. That's how I was shoveling driveways in my Converse with the, with the bread bags on them. And we would walk around and me and my brother would just go at it. And I remember the Bailey's house one year, Mr. And Mrs. Bailey, they were like 90 and they were worried that their roof was going to collapse because it had snowed like three storms in a row. They sent us up on their roof. I'm 11, I'm on their roof with a garden spade. Hitting blocks of ice off their angled roof into the backyard. And I slipped at one point and landed in a pile of snow on their back porch. And they gave me $5. They're dead now. And then one day, Rob Merceberger got a snowblower. He was a, he was a motorhead. He was one of those guys that had a mini bike and he made a go kart with a lawnmower engine on it. This bought a snowblower and he hit the neighborhood and he just took over. He would get in and out of each driveway and in 10 minutes we were. It was like Paul Bunyan, you know, and the guy with the ax. And I got blown away. I couldn't keep up. I had my gardening, my little gardening shovel and my sandwich, my, my, my bread bags around my feet. So then we would just go and we would, we would sled. Once you earned it, then the afternoon was about sledding and me and my friends would sled and. And there was this hill, there was a Catholic girls college up the street. And they used to chase us out of there. Cause they didn't want us finger blasting the Catholic girls. But we were 11. And so we would ride a sled down the hill and we played tackle sledding where everybody would form a line and as you went down, they would dive at you and try to knock you off the sled. And Keith Pye was one kid, ended up playing college football and. And he knocked my tooth out. Anyway, great weekend this past weekend. Thanks to everybody in Lexington, Kentucky. Comedy Off Broadway coming out. What great people. I'll tell you something, when I think about leaving la, Lexington, Kentucky is a strong contender of a place to live. People have a great sense of humor. I know it's kind of Bible y, but I, I was going hard at them with the Christian stuff. We had no real issues. And the club is amazing. It's been around for so long. Paul Reiser's headshot is on the wall. Signed, Paul. Mad about you riser. And mine's not. Meanwhile, there's dead comics. It's like, all right, there's a lot of black comics. I get it. You want to represent you over. Represent it. If there's a dead black comic on the wall and I'm not, something's wrong. Happy Black History Month. Coming to you next in Houston at the Punchline this weekend, February 26th through 28th. Fort Worth, Texas, at Hyenas. March 6th and 7th. Then I'm coming to LA for St. Patrick's Day at the Improv. March 17th, Janesville, Wisconsin, Bakersfield, Escondido, Boston, New Hampshire, Maine. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Also want to ask you about, how's your mental health right now. There's a lot of stuff going on with politics. Maybe stuff in your personal life, maybe some childhood stuff. I tell everybody the best money you will spend is on some good talk therapy. Now, I want to talk to you about Rula R U L A. Because what they do is they do an online signup where they match you up based on what you're looking to work on. They have a. They have just so many different therapists, and so they. They match you up, and you don't have to stick with the person they give you. If you don't like somebody, easy, you just switch over. Best part is, they work with your insurance company. You input your insurance company, they find therapists that will work with you. Guess how much it is. $300 an hour? No. 200? Not even close. How about $50 an hour? You're barking up the wrong tree. $15 an hour. You'd be crazy not to do this. Listen. No endless searching, no wait lists. They can find somebody right away. This year, make one change you can actually stick with. Visit rula.com fitzdog to get started. That's R U L A.com fitzdog mental healthcare. That's actually built to last. I did it. I signed up. I have a therapist now that I love. I'm getting a lot done. I'm figuring out why I have picked up insecurities from my childhood. But more importantly, I'm talking about, like, how to deal with it. Thoughts? I do what they call OTC behavioral therapy, dbt, Dialectical behavioral therapy. That's what I'm doing, and it's helping me a lot. I'm paying 15 bucks. Essentially. I feel like I'm ripping this doctor off, and he's super experienced, so do it. Also this time of year, you know, food is. It's still New Year's resolution time. It's time to eat, right? It's time to think about what you're eating. You don't always have time to prepare the meals that you deserve. So what you do is Tempo. They do these fresh, chef crafted, dietitian approved meals come right to your door. These are not like bricks of frozen food. These are fresh ingredients. It takes two minutes, two minutes and you've got yourself every type of meal. They got protein packed meals with up to 13 grams of protein, calorie conscious meals, even GLP1 balanced meals. I don't even know what that is, but they got them. It's convenient, fits the way you want to eat. Even busy athletes like Maria Sharapova use Tempo to stay on track. It works with somebody who has a tough schedule. It definitely works for mine. So, you know, if it's the end of the day and you got nothing left in the tank, you don't want one of these services that goes like, here's a carrot and a packet of seasoning. And now I gotta become a chef. It's eight o' clock at night. I'm exhausted. I don't want to cook. That defeats the whole purpose. Two minutes. Tempo is now offering for a limited time, my listeners get 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com fitzdog that's tempomeals.com fitzDog for 60% off your first box. Do it. You're gonna love it. They sent me a bunch of free samples. It's probably the best meal delivery service I've ever experienced. And I've experienced them all. All right. My guest is an amazing guy, Ali Sadiq. He's got so many specials, it kind of makes me feel like an underachiever. He one was nominated for NAACP Image Award this year for outstanding comedy special. He independently produces all these Specials. They're on YouTube. He's got like tens of millions of views, 47 million views on this last one. And he's just a cool dude. He's been on before and he's been in jail and he's lived a tough life. He's super creative and prolific and we had such an awesome talk. You'll see. Why am I acting like it's going to be a long wait? Here is my talk with Ali Siddiq. My guest is Ali Siddiq. Who last time you were here, first of all, last time you were here, you, you came in fucking hard. Like, didn't Wanna say hi? Nodded, grunted. And then as soon as the mics were on, this guy showed up. The fun Ollie.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not on until I'm on.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

I think that's the thing about me.

[A]

You're not getting paid till the mic is on.

[B]

I'm pretty laid back until I'm on. You know, I know a lot of people come. Comics get judged a lot by other. What other comics do.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

You know, and I'm kind of different. So I'm. I'm just here until they say go.

[A]

Right. But isn't it funny, like, because I grew up in New York and there was a lot of these old time borscht belt. You know, the borscht belt comics, Hannity Youngman and Alan King and all those guys. And I mean, if you were in a room with them, it was joke, roast, street joke. Yeah. And they were the life of the party and they were kind of an extension of who they were on stage. But I think for us, it's more of like the standup is a craft or an art, and then when we're off, it's a little bit more like, you know, I want to be in my own space. I don't want to have to be on the spot.

[B]

Yeah. I don't. If I was a painter, I'm not gonna always have the brush. Once I put the brush down, I don't want to talk about colors. I just want to just be me. Which is different from the stage. Which is somewhat different from the stage because I'm entertaining on the stage. This is what I'm doing. But once I'm off, I'm just. Sometimes I don't want to talk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and I think the family. Family doesn't understand that.

[A]

Your family?

[B]

Yeah, my family doesn't understand that. Man. I've been talking for. I remember I did like maybe seven interviews in the same day, and then I came home and they like, well, you wanna talk? No, I don't. I've said everything. I don't wanna talk about nothing.

[A]

Yeah, just give them the links to the interviews. You wanna talk to me?

[B]

Listen to this Life meatloaf. I don't wanna talk about anything. I don't want to hear my own voice. I wanted to stare at mayors of Kingston, Kingstown, and that's it.

[A]

Csi, is that your show? Oh, no. Law and Order, svu, That's your show. It's like you have certain themes that run through all your specials, and that's one of them that comes up a

[B]

lot because I watch. You know, I've really been on Chicago Fire for a minute now too. But I don't never bring it up. Cause it's always. I'm gonna be watching Law and Order as for you. And it's creepy.

[A]

It's dark though, isn't it?

[B]

Some of it is so crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I gotta know what's going on. It seems like it's not real, but it's so real. Like I just wanna. I'm just waiting on the Epstein gotta come up on there at some point.

[A]

Yeah. Dude, that's five seasons right there.

[B]

Thirty seasons now they give them an extra five right there.

[A]

Bingo. Right?

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

When who's going to make the first, you know, series about just Epstein? Like when's that made for TV movie coming or that? I think, you know, eight episode.

[B]

It's going to start off with why is Prince Angels in town? And

[A]

normally here. It's spring break in Florida and the prince is here.

[B]

And then it's gonna. It's gonna roll from there. It's gonna be crazy.

[A]

Why is there a school bus and a prince in the same space? That seems

[B]

then they gonna be like mysterious man from Arkansas came in. Like, you know, I. I think about this. How is he even. How was. He was. Okay, Somebody needs to interview Secret Service.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because they had to be there.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's. This is kind of like when Martin Luther King got killed. Okay. If y' all was following him, somebody know something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, there's no way in word that the c. The. The CIA don't know who killed Martin Luther King. It's.

[A]

No. Right.

[B]

It's impossible.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They were there, they fought, they. They noted that they followed him everywhere. So. Okay. You know, some. We gonna let him go to the hotel?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, no, nobody goes. We just gonna. We're not gonna follow.

[A]

So if not even a hotel, it's like a motel.

[B]

Yeah. That he had never stayed in before, ever. Okay. So Bill Clinton. How was you on this island with. No, I thought they. Okay. Aren't you assigned some people?

[A]

His daughter's assigned people. Never mind. Yeah, she's got three people.

[B]

Don't you assign the people? Yeah, so it's somebody who knows something. It's somebody who was holding a jacket like, you know, we can't talk about this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, somebody knows something.

[A]

A lot of people in this.

[B]

It's a lot of. It's a lot of people.

[A]

Thousand people on that island and not one of them is a whistleblower.

[B]

That's the crazy part.

[A]

And then they try to marginalize the women and say that they're making shit up. It's like, why would they make it up? They're getting death threats. Their lives are ruined.

[B]

Do you understand? If I was on that island, I'll be the. I would have been. Came forth like the guy who. You see. You see me in all these strange pictures, just trimming hedges. Look, looking, looking at everything. Recording secretly with my secret phone in my pocket, like, no, no, no, no. This is definitely. Like, why is it true? Why is he in his massage room trimming hedges? Are these real trees in him? Like, acting like, I don't speak English?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is he in the sauna with a sketch pad like, yo, Sketchy.

[B]

I wouldn't. I'm like, I would sit down at the interview like this. Like, okay, it's gonna. It's gonna get messy. Like, I would tell. Somebody knows something. I mean, my cleaning woman knows everything that's going on in his house. In my house.

[A]

Yeah. Too much.

[B]

Maria knows everything. I asked her a question the other day. I was like, hey, have you. You seen somebody coming? She knows everything.

[A]

Like, you pay her a little extra because she knows everything. Right.

[B]

It's. It's impossible for nobody not to know anything.

[A]

Yeah. Because it's not. Yeah. There's gardeners, there's electricians. There's people setting up the video equipment. I'll tell you what. There is a lot of video. They haven't even talked about the video yet.

[B]

What is the pot? So. So no pilot wants to say who. Man, come on, now. It's a lady. Cause I love Southwest. I've been on eight flights with her.

[A]

On Southwest.

[B]

On Southwest. Eight flights.

[A]

She's a flight attendant.

[B]

She's a flight attendant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She knows. Soon as I come on, she's like, hey, Mr. Ali. Like, I know her vacation plans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's like, hey, you know, I'm not gonna be here next week. Where am I going? I'm like, Hawaii. Like, she told me. Like, I. Nobody wants to come forward. It's somebody I just don't understand. And it's horrific because I have daughters. And anytime I think about people abusing somebody, abusing women or kidnapping women, like, I'm really. I'm still in the streets because if my daughter get kidnapped, I'm probably going to be able to find her, and it's going to be bad.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like, I have. I have things in place for this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I. And I'm, you know, people. Yeah. I'm a more careful parent than A lot of people, right? I don't. I don't take my eyes off my kids. I'm like, I'm Secret Service.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Children.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

If you want a problem, like, I, It's.

[A]

I know. I see parents at the playground looking at their phones, reading a book. I'm like, your kid's right there. This is Central Park. Stare at them. Crazy town, right?

[B]

And why would I be staring at them? Because I watch Law and Order. It's for you.

[A]

It's here.

[B]

It's in New York. This happens here.

[A]

My sister, she got this guy. She came. She came to my parents one day and she was only like, you know, 10 years old or something. She's like, yeah. When I walk to the school bus, there's this really nice guy and he comes up, he's in a van and he asked me my name. He's like, really curious about me. And. And she. She didn't tell my parents until it happened. A few times. My father lost it, called the cops and cop picked the guy up.

[B]

See, your father's a nice guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Adam, like, yo, it's just.

[A]

Yeah, show me who. Right?

[B]

Show me who he is. Yeah, let me. And just. You just walk. Just walk in front of me and just nod when it's. When he comes out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And that's when I'm going to lose it. I watched something on the Internet the other day, which I don't really get a lot of things off the Internet, but this intrigued me. This old guy was sitting down with this 15 year old girl and her father walked up, he was like, yo, what are you doing with my daughter? You know? And he's like, oh, I'm just having a pizza.

[A]

I saw this.

[B]

Yeah. And it was like. He was like.

[A]

He was a big dude too.

[B]

Yeah. And he's like rattled. Like. I'm like, yeah. And I was like, I'm waiting on. I'm waiting on him to get socked. But they, you know, they just hit him with the paint thing. Pedophile, whatever. But I'm like, yo, I don't think I would be able to contain myself.

[A]

I think it's the only situation where I would be capable of murder. And it wouldn't have to be my daughter either if I knew somebod was an active pedophile. Here's the scenario. Pedophile goes to jail, gets out. Now, now, they would have to be dealt with because if they're in jail, okay, they're away. But why isn't it a life sentence? Because the recidivism for child molesters is like 100%. You don't get fixed from that, especially from being in jail. So you don't want to be on tape saying that you would kill a pedophile in case it comes up because you've seen SUV too many times, SVU too many times.

[B]

The thing is this. This is a very like, sketchy thing for me because being in there with them, they keep them away from.

[A]

Oh, right, right.

[B]

And they've always treated them like patients, and they constantly commit this same type of crime over and over again and they get out is a weird thing, but they keep them away from us because they know we'll kill them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And like street justice is different. You're not getting the sentence that you deserve. But. But for some reason amongst men who have been incarcerated, they think that we don't have any honor. But you know that we have honor because if you put them in the same space with us, we're going to do what you decided not to do. We want to give them a. It's not a life sentence. It's called a unlife sentence. Bring about it.

[A]

We give one. Come on, Dan. You know that life you got. Let me get that. Let me get that life you got. What about guys that abuse women? Do they get attacked in prison a little bit? Not as much as with children, though.

[B]

Not as much as. But if you. Any type of rape or molestation. Oh, you're done.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

You're done. Now you and your old lady was fighting, you know what I'm saying? Hey, that is not glorified. But it's not the same as. Hey, maybe you could change. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, this is a.

[B]

This is a different.

[A]

That's a sickness.

[B]

Yeah, this is a sickness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I don't think that they look at it like that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then the other thing is. And that's looked over, it's a lot of men that have been molested.

[A]

Right, right. Cycle. Yeah.

[B]

And it's a crazy. At some point that has gotta get stopped it like this. I was on the Internet surfing and somebody told me about something. I said that's not true. And it is true. It's some website where grown men solicit boys to date. And I forget the name of it. But it was weird. I'm like, what the hell is going on Now I watch my sons. Like, I don't leave people alone with my. With my son.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then if he is alone, it's somebody else there that's responsible. For watching him. So nothing happened. You know, Then you go into this thing where the guy at Penn State was molesting all of those boys. In this, you got. Oh, it's the Ohio wrestling team.

[A]

Gymnastics coach.

[B]

Yeah. The doctor that was doing all this mess, Right? You like, man, what is the. What is the deal with people violating young people like this? Like, what is the fascination?

[A]

Well, and why is it this? I don't know if it's disproportionate, but it seems like there's a lot of billionaires that are into it because. And there was. There was always like those rumors that there's billionaire child molestation rings, you know, and now we go like, oh, shit, that's real. It's almost like. Remember when we were growing up, there'd be jokes about priests and altar boys. Ha, ha ha. Priests and an altar boy. And then you realize, oh, it's not funny. That's real.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's the same thing we're realizing now. But do you think that these billionaires have access to so much and they have sex in so many different ways with so many different women that it's just the next thrill?

[B]

I couldn't tell you. Cause if I was a billionaire, I would come up with more things to do with women.

[A]

You're a billionaire?

[B]

No, I'm a strong thousandaire.

[A]

No, you're not. I don't know how much money you have, but you got. You do a special every 13 minutes. You gotta do one during this podcast, right? Do you have to do two specials in the next hour? What does you just trying to make the rest of us feel like lazy pieces of shit? Is that your goal?

[B]

No, I'm trying to get recognized as an independent. Cause you know, I'm never talked about. No matter what I do, they never say anything about it.

[A]

It's true. They don't. I see all these lists come out of the top 100 comedians. Top 200 comedians. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. Cause you're sitting here. You are one of the best comedians I've ever seen.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You have. You are a gifted. You got the gift of storytelling. I mean, I go back to Cosby to see somebody be able to sit down and draw people in and bring a stillness into the room. And in the next beat, be running across the stage, sliding in your hard bottom shoes. I mean, it's like. And it's like there's this. I like to think, like great storytellers have this understanding of energy. The way the crowd is feeling Your energy, it's almost like a conductor. Like, you whip them up, and then you bring it back down again, and it's like. You know, a lot of comedians like me, I just tell jokes. I tell a joke. If it works, I do another joke. That one works. And then if it doesn't, after 60 minutes, I go get a fucking bagel backstage. But, like, you really. No, it's real. I can't say enough about you. If people haven't seen your specials, it's, you know, you're up there.

[B]

Fun fact about sliding across in the Ridge shoes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Toe was broke.

[A]

You broke your toe doing that?

[B]

I broke my toe before then.

[A]

No.

[B]

And then. Well, just, you know, just comic tip. If you're shooting a special and you buy new shoes, just wear them a couple times before you shooting in them because they don't give.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then my toe was broke. I broke my baby toe.

[A]

And.

[B]

And I sprayed some numbing stuff on it that did not work. And I put my foot in it. And as I was walking out there, it was like, okay. You notice how you say, I come in, I'm grunting, and then the mic come on. So this is the show. I am hobbling painfully up the steps, going from the dressing room to get ready to be in position for them to start. And I'm. And then I'm stage. I'll leave the D. Then I'm like.

[A]

But, yeah, every. I mean, it's like a football player. They say they're. What am I paying? I'm always playing in pain. Always this.

[B]

The. The pain was so crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I.

[A]

Do you ever find that, like, it helps in a way, like, when you are sick? When I'm sick, I have my best shows. When I'm depressed, I have my best shows.

[B]

So Dre, he's in the room. He. I had 104 fever. Like, I was sick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. But I had a show. So I was like, Jordan. I was like, Jordan. When they say he was hungover, but he had the flu or whatever or he was poisoned.

[A]

I remember that. Yeah.

[B]

I was like, dre, just get me to the stage, and I'll be good. So he got me to the stage. I sit down, and I am. I'm visibly sick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I just start to try to work my way out of it, and I do the show good. Very good show. I thought I was amazing. And soon as I stopped talking, I was back sicker than I ever been.

[A]

Soon as he got off stage.

[B]

So it was crazy. Right? Right. So I had A panic attack. Never really had one of these before in Pittsburgh.

[A]

How long ago?

[B]

Two years ago.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I, I, I started having them. Like, it would. I, like, one, one a year, maybe like nine years ago. Then it, it kind of ramped up to like four in a year. Like, it was just out of nowhere. I feel boxed in. Feel like I can't breathe. It's like, out of nowhere, right? So I started trying to figure out how to deal with it, you know? And I kind of want to do a show where I'm talking about me having a panic attack and how I. What I do in the course of it. Cause me talking to me is the funniest thing ever. I'm on the plane, and I feel it ramping up, and I'm like. And the first thing, take my watch off, take my ring off, And I'm like, yeah. And I'm just. I can feel it. And then my mind says, hey, man, you can't breathe. And that's what my mind is saying. I cannot breathe. But me talking to myself is like, so you can't breathe, huh? You've been. You still alive? Like, how you can't breathe? Like, I'm trying to talk myself out of, like, it's like, it's been like seven minutes right now. Like, you can hold your breath for seven minutes. This is me talking to my.

[A]

You're your own therapist.

[B]

I'm talking to myself. I'm like, I'm like, no, no, no, no. I cannot breathe. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can breathe. Because if not, we had 15 minutes. Now, sir, like, how is it the fact that you can't breathe? I'm like, I'm trying to explain to you I cannot breathe. So. Okay, what we gonna do? I go in the bathroom, and I'm. And. Which is a tighter space, but I'm splashing water on myself, and my mind is like, this is not working. And I'm like, it's definitely working, but the conversation. And I'm really. They tell me, don't talk to yourself, but I'm like, I need this right now.

[A]

Like, they say, don't talk to yourself.

[B]

Yeah, people say, people like, oh, don't talk to yourself. You craz if you talk to yourself. No, I needed to have this conversation with my, with my own mind. Like, yo, buddy, you better get it together.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I got a cup of ice, and I was just rubbing the ice cubes on my face. Then I came out of it, right? So then Pittsburgh happens, and I'm in the green room, and it starts to happen. So I come into the showroom, and the show. Pittsburgh improv is pretty big. And I'm like, nah, man, it's getting tight. I gotta get outta here. And then my brain says, you know what to do. You need to get cold.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

If you get cold, you gonna be all right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It is probably 5 degrees outside, and it's a couple that was right by the door. And I said, hey, I'm about to walk out this door. When I knock on it, just let me back in. And he's like, ali Sadiq. I'm like, I'm not with that right now. I need to get outside. So I'm outside in a tank top, just a undershirt, and I am perfectly fine. And I'm just walking in front of the improv, and I know I have maybe 20 minutes because the feature just went on, and I'm just walking. And the first thing came to my mind. I hope a cop, Somebody don't see me and think that something's wrong with me.

[A]

Right. Right.

[B]

And if they try to put me in the car, they try to arrest me from my car, they pretty much gonna have to kill me, because I'm not gonna let it happen. I know for facts, I'm not gonna let it happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think about when people are going through episodes of things that people may not understand. If they would have tried to handcuff me and put me in a car, I know for facts, it wouldn't have happened.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So the about 18 minutes I'm outside, I come knock on the door. I'm still not all the way out of it, but I'm cold enough to be able to function. So when I walk on stage and the people in Pittsburgh that was there that night, they were like, oh, yeah, this is definitely a true story, because when I got on stage, I tried it. I was like, hey. I said, I gotta be honest with y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

I am in a crazy space in my head right now, and y' all are pretty much gonna have to help me through this. Yeah, y' all gonna have to help me, because I am. I want to run out of this building so bad. It's crazy. So it took me about 45 minutes. Luckily, I was doing an hour and a half. It took me, like, 45 minutes to get out of it. And I just don't like being in that space.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And that's like.

[A]

But you trusted the crowd. And that's the thing. I had a similar experience where I had. I have depression, and sometimes I'LL sit in the hotel room with the lights out for an hour before the show, just going, like, how am I gonna do this? How the fuck am I? You know? Cause suddenly you gotta be the most fun guy in. I was like, I don't know how I get from A to B right now. And I did the same thing. I walked on, I said, I'm fucking down right now. And I saw their eyes all go, like. They leaned in, they were like, we got you. And then you work your way through it and you realize this is, like, kind of. I've put so much into standup comedy, and it can give back. You know, it's a living, breathing, symbiotic relationship with the audience where they care about you. Sometimes, you know, you hear the laughter and the clapping, but there's more underneath it than you realize until you have a moment like what you had.

[B]

Yeah, man. I've always said I was going to go back to Pittsburgh no matter what, because that was. I really needed them. Yeah, it was. It was. It was crazy.

[A]

And then once you got off, you were good for the rest of the weekend.

[B]

I was good for the rest of the weekend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was just. But it was just a bad. It's been bad sometimes. Like, I don't even know where it came from. Like, yo, man, what type of.

[A]

Where to come from this? When you started making it nine years ago. Right.

[B]

Type of guy, you know, gets, like, why I didn't have this when I was broke? Like, it would have been better then.

[A]

Like, yo, because you don't want to go back to broke.

[B]

Yeah, maybe so.

[A]

They say that. They say that that's. People have more fear once they make it, because they just. They don't. They don't want to lose it.

[B]

Oh, man. I think that maybe I don't want to lose the. The ability to do it. The money is one thing, but the ability to actually perform and be able to. To do the craft. The craft is very important to me.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, and if I was a painter and I lost my hands, I would probably try to do it with my feet or my mouth or something. But as a comic, it's like the third most important thing in my whole entire life. You know, kids, kids, mother, family, wife, you know.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But that's all family, you know, together. But stand up, man. It's like my family, my health. Stand up.

[A]

Right, right. And they feed each other. You know, you obviously, you talk a lot about. I watch your special about your two sons. And what's so great is that, you know, I have two kids too. And you always try to find that bridge between your family life and what's on stage and what you want to say, what you don't want to reveal about them, what's too personal. And you make fun of them, but the love comes through, like, at the end of it, even though you're saying that one of your sons is better than the other son. How did that go over with your sons? Did you speak to them about it before they saw it? No. You just let them see it.

[B]

They saw it. And Hassan, Hasan is so self absorbed. I walked past his room one day, and he was laughing. I walked down there. What you laughing at? He's about me. What you laughing at? You. He was looking at the special. Laughing at me, talking about him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's not him, it's me talking. But he's like, no, I'm laughing at me. But the. The underlying thing of it, I think I. And I say it. That it's the two different versions of me. Mm. And that's what. When I look at em, my appreciation for them is because I've been Trey, and now I'm more like Hasan.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, so. And they're like. They are because of the example of me.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I was very early on just hustling and trying to figure it out. And Trey is more like that. You know, I'm not. I don't know what I want to do yet. So I'm all. I'm. Many jobs, many things going on. And then Hasan is like, man, I'm straight, man. I don't paint no sweat off my back, you know?

[A]

And he's not as scrappy. Well, because you say Trey grew up in the neighborhood you grew up in. He grew up in a tough neighborhood. And then Hasan has grown up in a gated community.

[B]

Gated community. Hasan is. I came home and Hasan, you lived

[A]

in a gated community for about seven years.

[B]

6. Hasan left his electric. It's $3,000 bike.

[A]

It's an electric bike.

[B]

Yeah. Nice one. He just left it in the front.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

I came home and I'm like, yo, man, what you got going on? You left his bike out here? And he was like, no one's gonna steal it. It's. Everybody around here is. Well to do. No, nobody steals. I'm like, yo, you. Wow, man. Like. But then I had to think about it. The bike has been left out before, and then nobody steals it. You know, it's not even that type of neighborhood. If somebody. Somebody would. He's it's more prone for somebody to put it up than take it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, yo, I have your bike. I plugged it up for you because mine was already charged.

[A]

I polished it a little bit. There was. You needed some grease on it.

[B]

It's like all his friends have them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like. Like what? And he grows. He. He's. He's so much different than me. He's so better. He's so better than me.

[A]

What's the gated community in the school like? Are you guys one of the few black families in the neighborhood?

[B]

No. And he's homeschooled.

[A]

No, he's not.

[B]

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Hasan is homeschooled.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Does he play sports with other kids?

[B]

No. Hasan is in the band and he boxes.

[A]

Oh, no shit.

[B]

Yeah. He is at a gym with pros at 5am in the morning.

[A]

Same gym.

[B]

You go to same gym.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Wow. And has a better trainer than me.

[A]

How old is he now?

[B]

15 now.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah. Hassan. Hasan has so many skills. If somebody looked at Hasan, he was like, yo, this little boy can do a lot like Hasan. So we put him in hockey because he can ice skate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was, like, fast out there. And I'm like, I don't think he really wanted to play. I think he just was out there for a little bit. Did it. You know, I'm good at skating, but I can ice skate. Do I want to do it? I don't know, but. Song plays the tenor.

[A]

Tenor sax.

[B]

No, the. What was it? The. The drum.

[A]

Oh, timpani.

[B]

Yeah, whatever it is called.

[A]

Timpani. Timpani. What is it called? It's a big drum.

[B]

What are the drums?

[A]

Multi. Multi Tenor drum. Is it a marching band?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[B]

Then they. Undefeated in. In. In battles that they've been in battles of the band. And they. Yeah, they win the best tennis action. They win. You know, the. The whole thing.

[A]

Are they. They playing and doing those crazy marching patterns at the same time?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

That's pretty cool.

[B]

Yep. He's on a team called. It's. It's the Marching Thunder. And what's his name? Calvin Murphy. You know Calvin Murphy, basketball player.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Has the record for most free throws made in the season. Like 92.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And he did, like, twice in a row, you know. Calvin Murphy, pretty Hall of Famer. He has a marching. Marching Thunders when they used to play at the games, but now they. In all these competitions and they win.

[A]

This is the Houston Rockets.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And. But his thing, bread and butter, Is that left Hand. He got a mean. Yes. Southpaw. He got a mean left.

[A]

Yeah. So when he. Does he just spar or does he have actual fights?

[B]

He's sparring. Right. I'm not letting him fight until he's 16.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. What about head injuries from boxing? You don't worry about that.

[B]

I think Once he gets 16, he'll be all right and it's fine. I think most of that comes from just longevity of constantly doing it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think these kids should start that early as they start.

[A]

No. My son played soccer, and they didn't let them head the ball until they got to be a certain age.

[B]

Yeah. See, my oldest daughter plays soccer. They couldn't hit. She couldn't. Couldn't hit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then she went. Then she went to swimming.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and swimming is a better sport, right? You know? Oh, yeah, Yeah's a much better sport.

[A]

Swimming is the best sport you can do for your body. It's every muscle, there's no impact. It's just you're staring at a bottom of a pool for three hours a day. Like, I. I never got that. Like, you gotta have some kind of OCD to just be staring straight down every 15 seconds. You do a little flip and then you're staring straight down again.

[B]

She was a flyer. Her best adventure.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, that one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I used to love to see her do the fly. It was awesome.

[A]

And she swam for the high school

[B]

team, high school, middle school independent team, and then she just stopped. She did 11th grade. Like, I'm done.

[A]

She's gonna have a healthy body for the rest of her life.

[B]

But what's crazy, it was sweet, though. She became a lifeguard, right? So she was making plenty bread as a lifeguard, just sitting there, Right. Like, when she graduated, she had like $8,000 in her account, you know, just from lifeguarding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Over the summer.

[A]

Did you ever save anybody?

[B]

Probably so. She probably did. I don't know, because I wouldn't sit at the pool with her. But she taught a lot of people to swim.

[A]

I get a lifeguarding degree. I say four people from death. From fucking death. I brought them back.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[A]

I saved my aunt. She was out in Atlantic City and it was the fall and the waves got crazy and she got sucked out. She was about 74 years old. And I swam out and I got her in the cross chest carry. Like, I learned waves are crashing, pulled her in, and then I was in boogie boarding right here in Venice beach with my Buddy. We went up on a big wave, and then all of a sudden, the wave just went straight down. And he went down and he landed on his head and he floated to the top unconscious. And I grabbed him. I got the boogie board under him, dragged him in. And then there was another guy also at Venice beach, who I didn't even know. This guy just started screaming, and there was no lifeguard around, so I went out and I got this guy, and he was trying to drag me down. Think about being a lifeguard is you got to get behind them.

[B]

Got to get behind them.

[A]

So I get. I get. After he tries to pull me down, I get. I swim under him. I come up behind him and. And I dragged him in, but I got halfway in. And then all of a sudden, the lifeguard boat comes out and they see us, and the lifeguard dives out and he comes up and he grabs the guy from me and he comes into the shore. Now everybody's fucking cheering for the lifeguard. They're videotaping it. I get sucked back into the wave.

[B]

I'm like, what the fuck is this?

[A]

I'm the hero. He took my guy. That's my fucking guy.

[B]

My safe. Being able to swim and being efficient. This is why I'm still here, because in 24, I'm in Cabo.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Surfing.

[A]

You're a surfer?

[B]

No, I can.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Doing my thing and coming at wave like you just described. Wave comes straight down, boom. I'm under, and I'm rolling in it, and it just crashes me to the. Into the circle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I hear a whole lot of cracking. So I'm thinking my neck is broke, is what I'm thinking. But my clavicle is crushed. No, I broke two ribs and my clavicles crushed, and I cracked some of my teeth. It's. So I. When I come up, I'm thinking it wasn't about myself. It was like, where's Hasan? Because Hasan was with me.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

Where's Hasan?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hassan is literally on the beach. Like, yo, what's wrong with you? And when I looked. When I looked for Hassan, I looked and I looked this way and this was fine, but I looked this way and, like, this was up, and I was like. I just turned away from, like, no, if I don't see it, it's not happening. But it is. It is completely. Like, I have a huge scar to where they. Because I'm getting ready to put this. Put this in this. In this special. How. How crazy it was.

[A]

And did you swim in with one Arm. And the waves are probably crashing on top of you.

[B]

Cabo is a dangerous current.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

Wow. I was out there for like four days and day four just went. It just went crazy. But I saw it. It was weird because I'm in the penthouse at the top and I hear all this crashing. I was. And something told me. I was like, I came out on the balcony, I was like, all the surf is crazy. Yeah. So then I went out there and I was like, yeah, this is gonna be a good day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And I got our son out there. It's just dangerous. It's all I do. I'm like. And there's all type of signs, don't go in the water. Right, Right. But I'm like, whatever, yeah, I can swim.

[A]

Where was your daughter to save you? She wasn't.

[B]

She wasn't even there. Yeah, it was crazy, right? But she would have been, you know, she's a. She's a person. She owns. She's a chef now. So she owns a restaurant.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Yeah, Right on Market in Houston.

[A]

Okay. I'll be in Houston soon. I'll go get a meal there.

[B]

Oh, 2310 Elgin. Elgin and emancipation.

[A]

What's it called again?

[B]

Rado. R A D. Okay. Market.

[A]

Why is it called Rado?

[B]

It's the historic El Dorado Ballroom is upstairs.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This is where all the great jazz musicians and blues musicians used to come through Houston back in the day. So at the bottom floor is the restaurant, but the ballroom is still upstairs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Landmark.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So she just called it right on Market.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

You know, feeding the community. What she says.

[A]

That's nice. Yeah, it's nice when they launch, isn't it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, my, my, my older son has launched. My daughter's on her way. But when he got his first like grown up job and he went off my health insurance because, you know, ever since they're little, like you said, you're fucking watching them every second and then you're coaching them, you're trying to inspire them, you're trying to keep them out of trouble. And you know, and then he finishes college and even when he graduated college, I was like, I'm not done. I'm not done yet. And then when he got that job and he called and said, dad, I got my own insurance, this like pressure just like came off me. I'm like, I did it, you know?

[B]

Yeah, that's a big thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you finally. When you feel like they finally Good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, oh, cool. She good.

[A]

And you feel like you Did a good job.

[B]

Then she throws another monkey wrench. She's like, she calls me, he's like, hey, what you got going on? Like nothing was up. Yeah. I'm pregnant. Okay. So I'm big grandfather. And I know she thought I was gonna be mad at first or something that to that nature, but I'm basically excited for.

[A]

Oh, this just happened.

[B]

Yeah, this just happened.

[A]

Congratulations.

[B]

December. So wow. You know, so okay. I'm pretty happy for.

[A]

She's happy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I'm just one of the things trying to keep ahead. That's. Then that's a. I felt responsible for that. Like her mom was zoning out. But me, I was like, yo, man, you don't want a pregnant depressed woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is what you don't want.

[A]

Right? Right.

[B]

So, yeah, no matter how I felt about it, I was gonna make sure that she was comfortable and, you know. You feel good. Cool. I feel good. To go by the restaurant just to rub on our stomach is crazy. She's like, my dad just comes up here to rub my stomach, you know, just nice. I'm waiting, you know, baby kid here and yeah, I have a. Another little person to spoil.

[A]

So how, how many kids you have?

[B]

Nine.

[A]

Nine kids and the youngest is five and she's the oldest.

[B]

She's the oldest girl.

[A]

Oldest girl, yeah.

[B]

Trey is the oldest and he's what, like 32.

[A]

32. Damn. You signed up for the extended package, huh?

[B]

Yeah, man. You know, I don't think, I don't think I can really function without kids. I have to have something to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have to right it. A small person being in the house is the best. Yep, it's the best.

[A]

I know you think about it like, you know, what else are you gonna do, you know, watch tv?

[B]

Like I, I. Okay, I applaud empty nesters and all that. Okay, cool. But like, what do you got to do? What do you have to do now? I know, I know what you got going on, like to be out of the conversations about, you know, basketball and football and honor roll and meeting their friends.

[A]

I love meeting the friends because some of them are like, you see the good influences and you see the bad influences and sometimes you like the bad influences more. They're the ones that are more interesting. They're the ones that are getting kid in a little bit of trouble, you

[B]

know, like, oh, you're not going to hang with her long.

[A]

And then.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's. I don't know, it's a, it's a weird, it's a weird thing that I Don't. I don't think I can really function without.

[A]

Yeah, well, she's gonna have a lot of babysitters just with her siblings alone.

[B]

No, her sibling's not gonna babysit. Thinking like, please. Yeah, I'm. I'm. I'm living my life. You're not gonna bog me down with. With a baby this early.

[A]

Yeah, it might take a little while.

[B]

That's me. I'm like, you can bring the bell. I'm going to come get them. Especially if I'm in town.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, man. As soon as I get in town, man, let me grab my crank.

[A]

You're gonna be the Monday to Wednesday grandfather.

[B]

Oh, man. Can't wait, right? Can't wait. And if I can get it. If I can get them, hardly can they fly.

[A]

How early? Yeah, we flew to Australia when my son was three months old. Australia. Yeah.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Well, because he was my son. Breastfed for you. Ready for this for two years.

[B]

Oh, that's. That's about right.

[A]

Yeah. And so when you fly, it's easy. No equipment. Just pop out a tit. He starts crying because his ears are stuffed up. Popping a tit. He sucks it right out.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Goes to sleep on the breast milk. It's great.

[B]

Healthy as kids. Yep, Healthy. And women don't like doing it, but it's just the baby be the healthiest.

[A]

Yeah. It's good for their everything. Antibodies good for my kids are. They can't catch coronavirus or measles. They don't need any shots. After two years on the tit, I could dunk my son in a bucket of AIDS and he would be absolutely fine. He's got. He's Teflon. They should take blood from my son and use it for vaccines for other kids.

[B]

Oh, that's. That's Hanan. Yeah, Hanan. Her non. Is. She's like, she. She allergic to everything. We can't get sick.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. She's like Mr. Glass now. If you give her milk, it's a problem. No dairy. What? And now she's with. Because Hanan couldn't eat chicken at first.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like for 10 years, couldn't eat chicken. No. Allergic. I'm massively.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

To fouls. Any type of foul. She couldn't eat the egg. No. I'm talking about.

[A]

That's like an Irish guy being allergic to potatoes.

[B]

It's like. It is insanity.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, she could not. No chicken, no duck, no turkey, no eggs. She still can't eat fish.

[A]

She gets pains in her stomach.

[B]

No. Like break out like man. Like Allergic. Allergic.

[A]

I've never heard of that before.

[B]

Crazy. None. And she is willed herself. I remember she tried to eat chicken one time. Baked chicken. And it was. It was crazy. Yeah, it was just crazy. Like, I was like, hanan, why did you even do that to yourself? She said, I just had to taste it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And threw up. Lips were huge.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Just all this. It's like she. We was somewhere one time, San Juan or something, and she was playing with a crab, forgetting that she's allergic to seafood.

[A]

Oh, I never thought of that.

[B]

And so you'll see this picture. Like if I posted this picture, it's like all of the kids out there and she's the only one with shades on. And because she has on shades, because her eyes are literally closed from all the swelling and. And she still wanted to be out and it. Oh, she. I just think about it. She's such a beautiful kid. But when she messed with seafood.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or chicken. Ah, it is crazy. So then I get a phone call that she is eating some chicken and nothing has happened. So it's like a couple more days. Nothing happened. So then she ate chicken again. Nothing happened. For the last four months she has been on a chicken terror.

[A]

Yeah. She missed a lot of chickens.

[B]

It's been 10 years, no chicken. And she is making up for lost time.

[A]

Dude, I eat chicken probably twice a day because it's just there. It's chicken sandwiches. It's chicken lo mein. It's just fucking chicken and everything.

[B]

Oh, shit. She is chickening it up. And then we was at a restaurant and we would order these deviled eggs and with the shrimp on top, she can't have that shrimp. So I was like, no, you want some deviled eggs? She was like, sure. Never had them before. Couldn't eat them. When I looked over, I had never even seen a person enjoy a deviled egg this much. It's like in our mind, this is like so new. Like, I can't. She can't believe it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she's like, well, I said, you gonna try fish? She's like, let's not push it. Yeah, let's not push it.

[A]

One at a time.

[B]

Yeah, one at a time. So.

[A]

But yeah, no nuts though. No nuts.

[B]

No. If you want to see a person almost explode.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A hazelnut. I think you're the killer.

[A]

That's tough because then she goes to dinner at a friend's house or.

[B]

No, she knows just. She knows. She like. Nah. Nan is. Because she's been allergic to stuff so long that she knows Nana tell you, like, no, I don't. I can't do that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, like, oh, my goodness. She breastfeed for the shortest amount of time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Everybody.

[A]

Right? Right.

[B]

Yep. So Helena. Helena, she doesn't get sick a lot, but when she does, it's is. We're going to the hospital.

[A]

Like the flu.

[B]

Like, anything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because she doesn't. It doesn't. She doesn't get sick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But when she does.

[A]

Right. Because her body's not used to it.

[B]

Yeah. We're going to the emergency room.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she the ice skater.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Jesus. How do you shuttle the kids to all these different things?

[B]

Hey, it's not my job.

[A]

You got an assistant.

[B]

There's no. I got a wife. It's not much. That's not my job.

[A]

You hear that, honey? You hear what he just said?

[B]

Your job, not my job. My job is to make sure that you have means to everything in your life that you want to do. Is your job to get there.

[A]

I shouldn't even say this out loud, but I do sometimes get shit from my wife about like, we're painting the kitchen. There's no reason to paint the kitchen. There's not a scuff. There's not a mark. But she said it's been seven years. We should paint the. What does time have to do with it? Look at the walls. The walls are fine. So now she's got a paint chip for this. This pukey color. I go, look at these colors. This is so. We get. We never. We never fight. And so. And we fucking got into it last night. And I. And she goes, well, I. This is my job. I get to decide this. You know? Like, she and I go, all right, well, if we're gonna play that card, then let me be. Let me be the man who just does the man stuff. But it's not like that.

[B]

Yeah. This is how I see it. I don't know why people don't want to be in roles. It's not my job to do anything in this house. It's my job to get you the house.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Your house. You want to paint the kitchen. Don't. Don't. I don't involve. My Thing is. Don't involve me in it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just let me come home like this kitchen's painted. I don't. I don't. I don't want to be involved.

[A]

Too involved is what you're saying. I should back off?

[B]

It's not my. It's not.

[A]

What am I doing? Why. Why Am I getting concerned with this?

[B]

Do you do anything in there?

[A]

I eat.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

No, I. You know what? I. Honey, you're the only one in the kitchen from now on. That's what Ali said.

[B]

I don't wash dishes. I'm not trying to go in there and cook nothing really. And I'm the best cook in the house. But it's not my job, right? It's my job to. Hey, do y' all have money for things? My job is to provide and protect. Stop asking me to interior decorate. Yeah, that's not in the sentence, so

[A]

that's never an issue.

[B]

She never says, I don't care nothing about what. What's going on. Just. I just. My thing is, don't get robbed while you're trying to do something.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

That's the thing. Yo, I come in, you. You. Okay. Say you changing the bathroom. Like, what, $12,000 for a guest bathroom? Are you crazy?

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, you're crazy. Like, they're. They're clearly hiking this up on you. Yeah. Matter of fact, don't worry about it. Call Manuel. Manuel, show him what you want. And we're like, $4,000.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Be done in two weeks.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And I'm like, see? So I remember we was getting these closets done, right? This lady told her, like, $8,000 for these closets. I was like, wow, that's crazy. I said, well, let me. My hardest job, to get her to get a second opinion sometime a third. So the second opinion comes in everything that was on the first set of closets. Got everything. And a little more for $4,000 with a warranty and everything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said, and I'll do this a lot.

[A]

Yeah. And then you go back to the first person and you go, hey, this second person came in. They said four, and then they'll either match it or do better.

[B]

No, I don't even go back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I already knew this was highway robbery from the beginning.

[A]

Right.

[B]

My thing is. Your job is to protect my money as well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The biggest thing. The biggest thing we fight about is, okay, if you go get five cucumbers, are you using five cucumbers?

[A]

Are you checking around that?

[B]

Are you using five cucumbers? I just want to know, Just. Just. Just break it down to me. Are you using five cucumbers? Because what I know is you're probably gonna use three cucumbers. And then I'm gonna come in the kitchen, and I'm going to go get something, and there's going to be a cucumber soup. Somewhere in this thing. Because it's two rotten cucumber that you never went back.

[A]

And you're going to be banana bread and cucumber soup.

[B]

So just get three cucumbers, period.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Are you using that cilantro today? Because if you're not using it today, don't buy it. Then I come in and be some cilantro. It'd be some parsley that's sitting in the back of the refrigerator. That's black.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, and. And I do this. I take. I go through the refrigerator and I put everything that's rotten, and I just wait until you walk in the kitchen. I'm like, wow. I told you. I said. I asked you, when were you gonna make that leek soup? I asked you. Yeah, and you said, I'm gonna make it leaking potato soup. Okay, so that's a rotten leak right there. The same. The very same one I asked you about.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

And you bought two of them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Waste.

[A]

You can't have waste now. I always look at it like, when she wants to do a kitchen, I just think, all right, how. How much of me going on the road do I have to do? Like you. You're making me go away from you because of this. You can either have me and this bathroom, or you can be alone in the bathroom with the colors you like. Pick one. I mean, you don't have to worry about that. How much do you think you're making a year right now? Million.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

At least.

[B]

Plus.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you got a business manager. You got an agent.

[B]

No, just a manager and a road manager.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

And that's it.

[A]

No Lawyer. You're paying 5% to business manager. Paying 5% too.

[B]

I have a lawyer that's on consignment per. Per situation. But I don't even know what they have to do because I don't have no TV deals.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So don't need you to read over that contract.

[A]

Oh. I wanted to ask you, how come you put your stuff out on YouTube instead of on Netflix?

[B]

Netflix don't like me.

[A]

Get the fuck outta here.

[B]

Netflix have rejected.

[A]

Netflix didn't offer you a special.

[B]

They have rejected every single special we've ever shot.

[A]

You get tens of millions of views on your specials.

[B]

They hate me at Netflix. What? Crazy T Town have no reason. I have no. I have no clue.

[A]

That is insane.

[B]

Netflix has. I'm talking about literally nothing to do with me. Whoa. I don't. And I. And I have a Netflix account.

[A]

I can't believe I thought that it was like a creative decision to go, well, I'm going to YouTube, because then I own it and I can do what I want with it.

[B]

That decision came with Comedy Central, though, because I had posted a clip of my first special from Comedy Central on my Instagram, and it got flagged for copyright infringement. So I just went indie after that. But my manager always sends the special to HBO and Netflix. Always, like, ever since Domino Effect. Okay. The things that they have said about the specials. I decline to even speak on it, but it hasn't been positive or good. They turned down my two sons. They've turned down every special.

[A]

So you're a guy who packs a theater, Annihilates is a unique voice, has a unique backstory. What's. What's missing? What are they looking for?

[B]

I have no idea. They rather. They rather redo somebody with music cues and a project in the back right

[A]

now, some of the shit you put on there, I shake my head and I go, I don't get this. This guy's been doing it for six years. And, you know, there's a girl now who was. Who's on SNL who has a big special they're promoting the shit out of. She'd been doing Stand up for about two years. I've been doing it for 35. Netflix, never. And look, I'm. I'm not you. I'm just a fucking. You know, I'm a journeyman. I'm just out there banging out sets for people that are eating chicken fingers. And, you know, I'm not. I'm not a unique talent like you.

[B]

Are they eating chicken fingers and popcorn? You know, I walked the theater after.

[A]

Oh, I walk people, too.

[B]

After the show was over, I walked through the theater, right. And I was like, why is there so much food on the ground? Like nachos and popcorn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And M&M's and stuff. Like, are they buying it to throw it on the ground? I'm amazed of how much food you could feed a small Tibetan village with all this food. Is. I'm like, this is crazy. I would feed them that because they're sitting in the.

[A]

Well, that's because they're sitting in the dark and they're laughing and they're moving.

[B]

Shit's.

[A]

Shit's flying around.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I bet you. I bet you I was gonna. On a comedian, but, like, if so. And so was on stage, I bet

[B]

all the food would be in the. In their bow on the plates.

[A]

Yeah. There would be no problems.

[B]

It's a weird.

[A]

I don't talk comedians, do you? Not really publicly. You ever say anything bad about another comedian?

[B]

I probably have.

[A]

Let's both say one bad thing about another comedian right now.

[B]

Okay, perfect. I'm with it.

[A]

I'm gonna say, who do I dislike? Because this is gonna get clipped. If I say it, it's gonna get put out. Maybe we shouldn't do that. Let's talk about musicians we don't like.

[B]

Because I was. I was ready.

[A]

I could see that.

[B]

I was ready. I had mine locked and loaded. Well, all I know, and they special, they have a bunch of music in the first eight minutes is music cues and a project in the back showing people like, oh, wow, this is. This is. This is new music. Like, and then they. But they gonna label it one. Oh, this is one of the greats you like. Okay. Gay.

[A]

I know.

[B]

So it's kind of like you. You almost don't want to be associated with. With that lane either.

[A]

No. When they announce the 10 best specials of the year, I look at them and I go, seven of these are garbage. They're. They're people that you say have a voice, and it's like, that's not a voice. That's either an accent or, okay, you're from another country. Great. Do your 20 years on stage, and then we'll give you special. I don't like foreigners. See, I said it. I didn't need one comedian I can make fun of, not even one race. I say foreigners, period. Everybody get the fuck out. What if they all got out? Who's gonna do all these jobs? Have you thought about that? I mean, you're down in Texas. There's no ICE agents in Texas because it's a red state. You're leaving them alone? Yeah, Florida, Texas. No ICE agents.

[B]

But it. But they. They doing enough to scare them, man. You know how long it's been taking to get my bathroom done at my other house? It's like, yo, I'm. I'm trying to. Hey, I will come work at night, man. You can't even see. All right, all right. Yeah, yeah. That's what I need you to do out there. Cutting courts at night, disturbing the neighbors

[A]

with a Darth Vader mask on.

[B]

I will do it in the house. I don't want you cutting courts inside my house. It's.

[A]

Dude, how about the Pacific Palisades, where there's thousands of homes that need to be rebuilt and there is nobody to do the work.

[B]

What?

[A]

They ran, you know, they're terrorizing people

[B]

on the streets, man. They need to cut it out, man. This is, this is a country built on foreign. This is for. This is foreign land for everyone.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Besides the indigenous people of this country. Like I, I never say that. What is it? What do people call them? Indian. Indian Americans. No, Native Americans. Like, no, there was no Americans. Just the natives.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

The indigenous people of this land.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It was already people here.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, and then people get so tight about it. The people that came over here that said they discovered they didn't even like other white people. So like, how you gonna just be on their side?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, Columbus wasn't like he was a renegade. This man was. They wanted to kill him.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, they wanted to kill Columbus.

[B]

Columbus was no good. He was sent out. He wasn't sent out to find new land. He was like, yo, you a pirate? Get out of here.

[A]

I think he was trying to get

[B]

somewhere else. But he wasn't even the first one. He wasn't even the first one with a boat, right?

[A]

No. Magellan. Magellan came over here.

[B]

It's like they forget. They forget that Africa to Italy was a. With the silk trade. They was always. They was on boats going. He wasn't even the first Saleman. Like, damn. People forget about. History is crazy for people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like Hawaii, somebody that. You know how Hawaii became a part of America? I said, probably the same damn way Mexico became. Mexico was huge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The Mexican, the, the Mexican territory was huge. It was Texas, it was Oklahoma, it was California. It was huge. Then it just start dwindling down to New Mexico. Like, how did that happen?

[A]

Right?

[B]

It wasn't even a part of like, man, this is a wild ass place.

[A]

Yeah. But I can't wait to get Greenland. That's going to be fucking. I'm going to get a timeshare. I'm going to spend. I'm going to spend a lot of time in Greenland.

[B]

Who wants to go to Greenland?

[A]

My daughter's going to go to Greenland Community College. We're going to move the whole operation over there.

[B]

Like, who just says, you know something? You know what I think I've been wanting Greenland. It's like, it's like everybody has owned Guam. Don't nobody even know who they are over there anymore. Greenland's gonna be the same.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What is in Greenland that is necessary?

[A]

Oh, no, no. They want the oil and the minerals.

[B]

Okay. Texas.

[A]

But it's like down a mile under ice. I don't know how the. They're gonna.

[B]

Texas produce 85 of America's oil.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

85, huh? We're nobody in Texas is like, yo, we need Greenland.

[A]

They don't want us in green. Yeah, we good.

[B]

We got oil.

[A]

More oil than we need.

[B]

Hey, man, go down the street, make a left.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Put an old Derek right there. Something.

[A]

You can buy them at Walmart or the oil rigs for your backyard is right there. Fill your own car. Forget charging your electric car. Put a rig in your backyard.

[B]

Man, it is. It's weird to be in it, to look at this administration and have some. I mean, we have a lot of other things that we could be doing. A lot of other things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That. That would benefit everybody in this country versus going. I think he just has the desire to conquer something like he was doing on, you know, Epstein is gone, so he got to find something else to conquer.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, saying he likes islands. Yeah, he was. He was over there.

[A]

Dude, there is a million. They looked in the Epstein files. There's a million mentions of Donald Trump's name in the Epstein files.

[B]

But the weird thing, regardless of whatever somebody political party is, where's the outrage for it for Epstein, for everybody that was involved?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because in other countries, in other countries, people. It's a fallout.

[A]

Oh, dude, in India, they just, they're rioting because the prime minister was mentioned in the Epstein files. It's like they're in the streets.

[B]

Nobody's going to stand for it. But I think our moral compass has been, you know, fading.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you okay with regardless of my political appetite? Because I am unfortunately, I'm not a Democrat and what people would think. But I have a problem with somebody who's supposed to be leading the, like, I don't know anybody's kid that want to be president based upon this administration. And it's. And, and it's so diminishing to this company. We are spiraling down as a community. You can't be on a race thing when you're in a country that everybody looks at is like, what, like what y' all got going on. Y' all can't even decide on a real leader. You know what I'm saying? Somebody that's going to advance. Like, what are the advancements that has happened in, in this administration on both, both terms? What is the advancement even with Biden, what is the advancement of the. The country? This is a, this is a weird place. We. It should be no person here without health insurance in this.

[A]

Well, that's what Obama did. I mean, they, they. He had the, he had Congress against them. The Republicans were, were, were. Were stopping him at every turn. And he still Got a health care program through that's a legacy.

[B]

And elderly people. And then they try to get rid of an elderly people still dying of hunger in this country.

[A]

And they want it. They want to get rid of Obamacare. They haven't once laid out a plan to replace it.

[B]

Not at all.

[A]

They keep saying, oh, we're working on it. Well, then work on it and then replace Obamacare. Don't get rid of it first.

[B]

So we okay with being 36 in education.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

28th in science, 29th in math. We okay with being. We okay with being so far. But we got what we have. What we want to go do is get Iceland and destroy they goddamn school system.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm saying whatever they got going on. But the point is, man, we. We. We suck right now as a nation. But what we did, we decided to put a person in administration that doesn't know fucking business. Yeah, this is a problem. As a businessman, I was like, yo, what. What are we doing? As a. As a. I don't give a damn about the political party. I'm talking about as a business person, I'm going to go and get somebody who has failed at business to run the business of the country. Yeah, asinine.

[A]

And also, you don't run the country like you run a business. The way he runs things is he intimidates, he plays chicken, he bluffs, he obliterates. That's not what a leader of a country does. That's what you do when you're a real estate type. It's a different thing. We're supposed to be building coalitions and using soft diplomacy so that we can get people to care about America to do deals with us.

[B]

They would have gave us Iceland, right?

[A]

Greenland. Greenland, Right. Iceland. Nobody wants. Oh, no, Iceland's got the hot chicks. Have you seen the women from Greenland? Jesus.

[B]

Oh, no. It probably. I said Iceland because I heard somebody say about the young girls in Iceland. I was like, what? Is that the thing? Young girls in Iceland. Like, damn. Like young girls. Hey, man.

[A]

Yeah, we gonna start that again.

[B]

Like, what the hell, man? It's.

[A]

I like an old girl.

[B]

I like.

[A]

Yeah, I like. My. My wife just turned 60.

[B]

Give me an old Malaysian lady who don't. Who has nothing else to do, right?

[A]

Malaysian, chill.

[B]

That's what I take.

[A]

Yep. Malaysian's a good call.

[B]

An old Malaysian lady who, when she let down her head is like Rapunzel. And she washes. She washes in a stream.

[A]

She's got nice feet.

[B]

Yeah. She assists. She assists my current wife.

[A]

Yeah, I'm old.

[B]

I don't do nothing.

[A]

Oh, so you're talking about doubling up your wife plus a Malaysian.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I like that. Get him to work as a team because you have three ways for one night stands. What about a three way for life? For life.

[B]

Wow. I wouldn't do. You have to have, like, your own place so you go and be able to go, hey, I'm leaving. Going over here. But I don't. I don't want any of it.

[A]

You mean you leave the two of them in a house together?

[B]

No, no, they can't be in the house together. You have to have.

[A]

So there's three houses?

[B]

Yeah. You know, I have, like, four houses.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All in Texas.

[B]

All in the Right now in different areas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I don't want to. If I can't make it home, go to my other house.

[A]

Really? Do you buy your kids houses?

[B]

That's what the houses are for.

[A]

They. Okay.

[B]

Young. Right now.

[A]

Right. Right.

[B]

When they get ready. You have a crib.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, then I'm. I'm gonna build a nice little fortress on the three acres that I have. Yeah, that's. That's where it's gonna really go.

[A]

Fortress. That sounds like it has guns.

[B]

No, I'm not gonna need a gun. The wall is gonna be so high, and I have cane Corsos, so that's.

[A]

You have what?

[B]

Cane corso. So that.

[A]

Is that a big dog?

[B]

That's a big dog. He's a big. He's a. He's a massive dog. I'm gonna get a couple huge dogs, and you jump my fence. You deal with them.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

You come anywhere by my house, you deal with them. Yeah, I'm gonna call them Smith and Wesson.

[A]

All right, listen, we're gonna get to the end of the show, which is called Fastballs with Fits, okay? And then we're gonna plug some dates. All right. Who's the worst opener you ever had on the road?

[B]

I don't even. I don't even know this guy's name. The club gave him to me.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, he is the worst. Like, yo, this is the worst person, like, ever. Like. Like, y' all. Do the club believe in you? Like, why. Why do they believe in you? Why would they get you to open for me?

[A]

Like, yeah, what did I do wrong? They must know yours.

[B]

Would you just own. What's my man name? I like him, too. Stroops.

[A]

Dave Stroop.

[B]

Dave Columbus.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

He booked him. Yeah, because you was. He was in Charge of the. The openers and what? Dave Stroop just handed me a bombshell Lemon.

[A]

Yeah. Did you keep him for the weekend?

[B]

No. I was like, hey, man, you. How much they paying you? I got it.

[A]

I can do two hours.

[B]

Yeah, we don't need you. We don't need you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I think what I did. No, what I did was. Did a relay because I didn't want him to go back up before me. I was like, yo, you do your five minutes. We gonna cut you down to five. And then you bring him up. And then he brings me up.

[A]

Yeah, you don't stink on you, and

[B]

I don't want to see you.

[A]

Yeah, once. And also, you're not allowed in the green room.

[B]

Oh, that's the. That's a given.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Green room is for the headliners, right? Earn space. Yeah.

[A]

I don't like when they feature or the MC shows up and he's got his girlfriend and. And she likes to talk a lot, and she's in the green room.

[B]

No, no, it's not there. Space. I don't know what disconnect has happened between people. The green room. I've said this quite a bit. The green room is a earned space for the headliner. It's not for the feature. It's not for the host. If you came with me, then that's different. But if you're not a part of the team, then you are not allowed in this room. I don't want you breathing over my food. I don't want your girlfriend in there. You know what I'm saying? I don't want your backpack. I don't want anything to do with you in my space.

[A]

I know you walk in and the backpack and the jacket is on the couch, and you're looking at the guy like, so, what was your plan for me? Yeah, I'm glad you got your shit all laid out for yourself. Where'd you want me to say?

[B]

Guess? Your hand. Your headliner. You the headliner. It's like, I never go in this. At my home club, Improv, Damon Wayans, something happened with the person who was originally performing with him. They called me, and I was flying into town. I was like, oh, okay, I'll come. No problem. So I'm there for two days, Saturday and Sunday. And this is my home club, Houston Improv. I never went in the green room, not one time. And then he sent somebody to come get me on the Sunday show. I came in the green room, and he said, why do you never walked in here? I said, because it's not my space. This is your space. This is your house for the weekend. This is your space. I don't come in here, but this is your home club. I say, I get it, but I'm. I'm a throwback. This is. I have a healthy respect for this craft, so I know how it actually goes.

[A]

Right. No, I. When I was starting out, Damon Wayans came into the. The Comedy Connection, and I started out in Boston, and he comes in, and I respected the green room. He had a basketball, and he was in the green room bouncing a basketball because he was about to shoot a movie where he's a basketball player. I think it was called Celtic Pride or something. So he's bouncing a basketball, and he'd come out in the hallway. So we actually ended up talking a lot, and he might invited me in because we kind of. We really clicked. And so at the end of the weekend, he goes, you know, I got a limo. He knew at that time I was living in New York, but I was up in Boston. And he goes, do you want to ride back to New York in my limo? And I was like, yeah. I said, that'd be amazing. Yeah. So I get in his limo after the show Saturday night. We get in the limo at midnight. We get to New York at, like, 4 in the morning, and he drops me off. And then the next day, I had to get on a bus and go back to Boston to get my car because I had a car. And I. And I. I never told him that story because I've. I've gotten to know him a little bit. I never told him that story.

[B]

What made you want to ride in the live O? Yeah.

[A]

Damon Wayne. Are you shitting me? One of my favorite comics of all time. All right, last question. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done?

[B]

Wow. I have to go back.

[A]

Yeah, it's usually back.

[B]

Yeah. I go back. Yes. Probably something about ladies do this and men do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So whack.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You know? Or. Either. Either it's that ladies do this and men do that, or either black men do this and white men do that. Something to that nature.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, probably terrible.

[A]

Name something that white guys do that black guys don't do. And then name something black guys do that white guys don't do.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

White guys write down questions for podcasts and annoy the shit out of somebody.

[B]

Oh, I. I've been on some horrible podcast before where there's no type of research.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this is white and black. Like, you just come in, like. Well, tell us about yourself. Yourself, Right. And then with somebody else holding a mic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You like? Terrible.

[A]

Well, you're tough because I usually will watch somebody's specials before they come on, but I didn't have a month and a half to watch your specials, so I watched the most recent two, and then I look up and I see you got two more coming. You already taped two more. You got two in the can right now that haven't come out yet.

[B]

Three in the can.

[A]

Three in the can. That was my favorite porn movie, actually. Ali Sadiq. Thank you for being here. Last time you came on. I just. It was one of my favorite interviews. And, you know, you don't disappoint. I love talking to you.

[B]

Oh, thank you very much.

[A]

Yeah. And tour dates coming up. You can go to Alisa Deek, which is a L, I, S, a D,

[B]

D, I, S, I.

[A]

No, it's not Si. No, it says right here it's S,

[B]

A, S, I, D, D, I, Q. They had that totally wrong. Who did that?

[A]

Me. February 20th in Newark, New Jersey. Hey, that sounds fun. Philly, Houston, at home. Then it'll be taping a special in Tyson, Virginia.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Hattie. Hattiesburg or Hattiesburg?

[B]

Hattiesburg.

[A]

Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Tuscaloosa, Aspen, Denver, Vegas, okc, El Paso, Fayetteville. Tons more dates. Check out the website and check out the specials.

[B]

The European tour was just launched.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's fun.

[B]

Berlin and Rotherdam. Amsterdam, Zurich, Oslo, Bergen, and. Oh, Stockholm. Yes.

[A]

Over the summer.

[B]

November.

[A]

November. Okay.

[B]

I was saying this would be a good time for me to plug that because that's definitely this audience, that they

[A]

would be very international.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You was. You went. The first time Children was three months.

[A]

Australia.

[B]

Australia.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, somewhere over there.

[A]

It's nice going overseas.

[B]

It is.

[A]

It's so fresh to them. Comedy is brand new to them, and they just are so fucking excited. They're like children. It's like doing a show at a children's party. All right, thanks for being here.

[B]

Thank you, man.

[A]

See you next time.