Ari Shaffir - Episode 1080

Summary

Fitzdog Radio: Ari Shaffir - Episode 1080 Summary

In this lively and candid episode of Fitzdog Radio, host Greg Fitzsimmons engages in a humorous and insightful conversation with comedian Ari Shaffir. Despite a rocky start due to a technical glitch and Greg's unexpected bout of illness, the episode dives deep into various aspects of the comedy world, personal anecdotes, and the dynamics of friendship and professionalism among comedians.

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1. Introduction and Technical Glitches

The episode begins with Greg Fitzsimmons apologizing for technical issues caused by a malfunctioning audio recorder, resulting in the first ten minutes of the interview being cut. [00:09] Greg humorously credits his sudden illness to the harsh Cleveland weather, setting a relatable and light-hearted tone for the episode.

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2. Ari Shaffir's Career and Upcoming Projects

Ari Shaffir discusses his recent endeavors, including his "Farewell Tour" and his upcoming Netflix special, "America's Sweetheart," set to release on January 14th. Additionally, Ari mentions his podcast, You Be Trippin, where he explores various themes and personal experiences. [05:11]

Notable Quote:

Ari Shaffir: "I have stopped shooting on comics." [05:11]

This statement underscores a shift in Ari's approach to comedy, emphasizing respect and boundaries within the industry.

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3. Ethics in Comedy: Joke Stealing and Respect for Comedians

A significant portion of the conversation centers around the ethical considerations in comedy, particularly concerning joke theft and critiquing fellow comedians. Greg and Ari explore where to draw the line when making fun of celebrities versus other comedians.

Notable Quote:

Greg Fitzsimmons: "If you ever did stand up, I give you a pass. Yep. Because I know you started at least in an organic place." [05:59]

This highlights Greg's belief in offering leeway to comedians who have genuine roots in stand-up, differentiating them from those perceived as inauthentic.

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4. Touring and Show Experiences

Greg shares his extensive touring schedule, outlining upcoming dates across the United States and Canada. He expresses excitement about performing in various cities despite recurring health issues caused by touring. [05:25]

Notable Quote:

Greg Fitzsimmons: "And my wife caught it, like two years later. So, don't do benefits. It was fucking cursed for us." [42:32]

This reflects the personal toll that constant touring and performing can take, intertwining professional commitments with personal challenges.

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5. Personal Anecdotes: Car Accidents and Mishaps

Greg recounts his recent experiences with his Mustang, including a severe accident that resulted in significant damage. He humorously discusses navigating the insurance process and the frustrations of dealing with rental cars. [15:02]

Notable Quote:

Greg Fitzsimmons: "Every time I get in it, I feel like a champion. And then three weeks in, this guy fucking T-bones me." [15:29]

Ari responds with empathy and humor, drawing parallels to his own experiences with vehicle mishaps. [16:35]

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6. Podcasting Insights and Production Strategies

The duo delves into the intricacies of producing a successful podcast, emphasizing the importance of content quality, consistent promotion, and understanding audience engagement. Ari credits Greg for his invaluable support in strategizing and promoting his special, highlighting the collaborative nature of their relationship. [08:45]

Notable Quote:

Ari Shaffir: "It's fun to help people with stuff where it's not creative." [09:17]

This statement underscores the fulfillment derived from assisting peers in non-creative aspects of their projects, such as marketing and technical setup.

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7. Social Issues: Dealing with Homelessness

Ari shares a poignant story about interviewing a homeless individual for his podcast in Los Angeles, shedding light on the struggles faced by those without stable housing. The conversation touches on the systemic issues that perpetuate homelessness and the emotional toll it takes on both the individual and those who attempt to help. [28:00]

Notable Quote:

Ari Shaffir: "It was so disheartening. It was really disheartening." [30:10]

This moment adds depth to the episode, moving beyond comedy to address significant societal concerns.

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8. Comedy Industry Dynamics: Apologies, Relationships, and Friendships

The discussion transitions to the intricacies of maintaining friendships within the competitive comedy scene. Both Greg and Ari reflect on past mistakes, the importance of apologies, and the challenges of balancing personal relationships with professional rivalries.

Notable Quote:

Ari Shaffir: "I gave you a lot of bad advice on purpose for that special because I didn't want yours to eclipse mine." [70:21]

This candid admission reveals the complex dynamics and occasional tensions that can arise among peers in the comedy world.

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9. Legacy and Reflection on Comedy

Towards the episode’s conclusion, Greg and Ari reflect on the evolution of the comedy landscape, the transition from traditional comedy albums to digital platforms, and the enduring impact of iconic comedians like Bob Newhart.

Notable Quote:

Greg Fitzsimmons: "There was a guy I was friends with at the Improv for years. He was just a guy that hung out there. He was a young actor, and I did not know that that was this guy because he looks so different on TV." [53:48]

This reflection emphasizes the unpredictable trajectories of careers and the differences between stage personas and real-life identities.

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10. Closing Thoughts and Tour Promotions

In the closing segments, Greg and Ari promote their upcoming shows and projects, reiterating their commitment to delivering quality comedy to diverse audiences. They share plans for future podcasts, tours, and personal ventures, maintaining the episode’s blend of humor and authenticity until the very end. [60:09]

Notable Quote:

Greg Fitzsimmons: "The special is called America's Sweetheart. It's out on January 14th on Netflix." [57:46]

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Conclusion

Episode 1080 of Fitzdog Radio offers listeners an engaging blend of humor, personal stories, and thoughtful discussions about the comedy industry. Greg Fitzsimmons and Ari Shaffir's chemistry and openness provide a window into the lives of comedians, exploring both the lighter and more challenging aspects of their craft. Not only does the episode entertain, but it also invites reflection on ethical practices, personal growth, and the enduring power of friendship in the face of professional pressures.

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. I know I sound like shit, I look like shit. I'm sick. I just got sick. Literally in the last five hours. It just like came over me. I hope. I hope I didn't get Ari sick, but he came here at nine this morning and it's now seven o'clock at night. And it just hit me in the last like four or five hours. So hopefully he's fine. Who knows? Sorry, Ari. Sorry, Ari. Welcome to Fitzog Radio. We're not gonna do much of an intro because I just got out of bed. I'm going right back into bed, but I want to just. I'm going to South Africa in two days for three weeks and I'm gonna be on the fucking 25 hour flight. Sick, congested throat hurting, contaminating. Everybody on the flight. Oh, this is the worst. I caught it in Cleveland. I was in Cleveland, Ohio. It was like 17 degrees out and my body just could not handle it. Shout out to Hilarity. Thanks to the crowds that came out. Hit lots of bonuses. I should share my bonuses with you guys when you come out and see me, Nick and the gang, Sam, everybody treated me like gold. Alan Cox, one of my favorite DJs, did a nice interview with him. Not too late to get these Sunday papers T shirts. Go to fitzdog.com, pick one up, get a late gift for the holidays. They're cheap, good quality. Cheap price, good quality. Speaking of good quality, my comedy, my new hour coming on the road in this winter, January 17th and 18th, in Janesville, Wisconsin, where I'll probably get sick all over again. Nyack, New York. Raleigh, North Carolina. Milwaukee. Vegas. Fontana, California. Atlanta. Hollywood. Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Toronto. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come on out Pittsburgh. Can't wait to see you. Also, this holiday season, I gotta tell you something. I got some gifts for some friends and family from Aura, which is a. You want to see your friends and family during the holiday. You can't always fly them in. You can't always go see them. This is the next best thing and it lasts all year. It's named the number one digital photo frame by Wirecutter. It's this beautiful. It's sitting on my. You can see it on my mantle right there. Do you see that thing with the pictures in it? That is a frame that you. The app is super easy and anybody can access it. So basically it is allowing me to send my mother pictures from our trip to Ireland, our trip to Italy. Her holding her grandkids when they were little. And I can Update it anytime. I can keep adding. My sister can add some right off your phone. It's so easy. You can order the frame online and preload it with the photos and videos so it's ready to go right out of the box. We also gave one to our housekeeper, and she will. She has a huge family and we showed her how to use it. It's super easy. So save on the perfect gift by going to AO Aura. I always say Aura. Wrong. Auraframes.com get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Mat frames by using promo code Fitzdogg at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code FITZDogg F I T Z D O G. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. Oh, you're gonna love it. You're gonna thank me later. All right. My guest today, by the way, I had a glitch when I recorded today. I didn't have the audio recorder on at first, so the first 10 minutes of the interview was cut out. And so you'll notice it kind of starts abruptly. But then if you listen to the end, I added that 10 minutes on to the end of the interview because the audio is just from the camera. It's not from the audio recorder, so the quality is not as great. But It's a bonus 10 minutes on an already, I think, great interview. So sit back, enjoy a band. He's got a new tour called the Farewell Tour. He's got a Special on Netflix January 14th called America's Sweetheart. And his podcast, you be trippin. Here is a Jewish man named Ari Shafir. Do you ever do that? Do you ever shoot on comics?

[Ari Shafir]

I have stopped.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You used to.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did it catch up to you? Did it ever get confronted?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it was just. And it was like, oh, yeah, I'm wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Even I'm right to like what I was saying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I was wrong to say it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Just go to somebody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

It's such a pussy move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is a pussy move. And I also often think, like, you know, because we do that podcast Sunday papers, like, we take on, you know, we shit on celebrities. But then I always think, but what's the cutoff?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, what's the cutoff? Yeah, is Coach. He used to be a comic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

If. So if something happens to him, Are you Coach, whatever his name was from the show. Coach.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice poll, Coach. That's your fucking basket of information?

[Ari Shafir]

It was a comic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

[Ari Shafir]

Michael Keaton. Can you shut up, Michael Keaton?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I really do feel like that is the cutoff. If you ever did stand up, I give you a pass. Yep. Because I know you started at least in an organic place.

[Ari Shafir]

So like John Turturro. No, not John Turturro.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He did stand up.

[Ari Shafir]

Who's the guy who had the. Who had like the. One of the Sandler movies? He had like a black rotted leg. One of the later Sandler movies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think I've ever seen a Sandler movie in my life.

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Am I missing something?

[Ari Shafir]

They were pretty good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See, now I'm shitting on and. Which I never do. I never do. I just. I just know I didn't shit on him. I just seen his movies.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you don't know if it's good or bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I realized the other night, like.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm in the wind sounds like it's shitty. Saying I'm shitty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You never saw Gone with the Wind?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I never will. Now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait a minute. What's his name was a comedian? Charles Bronson. Now who's the guy who was the lead? Oh, yeah, Rhett Butler. Not Brett Butler. Rhett Butler.

[Ari Shafir]

So if they're ever a comedian, you can't on them. But you do shit on celebrities.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Pink does something wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Although she works out at my gym, so I don't make fun of Pink.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Avril Lavin, though. You'll go hard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, definitely. Although it does seem weird going after, like, young girls. Like, as an old guy, it's always like, I'm going to shit on. I can.

[Ari Shafir]

I saw a talk show host shitting on Chapel Roan and it was just like. Seems so out of touch and dated the way he was like, shitting on her. Like, you don't even understand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're right.

[Ari Shafir]

Anything. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll watch the musical guest on snl just because I feel like, you know, they've had good taste in the past. So I assume that if they're putting somebody on, there's something that's redeeming about them. And it really is pretty often that I just watch and I go, I just don't understand how anybody would be turned on by this.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all Spotify now. They just get big. It's not Radiohead, so you'll never come across it even if you don't listen to that station. It's just like, you see posters in Austin. You see posters of like, some of these, like, black musicians or whatever. I was just like, I've never. If it's like, folk. Maybe there's a chance. Yeah, but, like, who's. Like, who's George Floyd?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

George Floyd.

[Ari Shafir]

Posters are everywhere. I've never even heard any of his stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He kicks ass.

[Ari Shafir]

Kicks ass. Makes sense.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Shafir]

There's a long way to go for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Yeah. I was waiting. I wasn't sure it was going, but you landed it. Yeah. So how are you, man? I got to thank you, first of all, from the bottom of my heart. I don't think anybody's ever helped me as much, including agents and managers and people that I've hired with my special. You were such a good friend.

[Ari Shafir]

It went well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but I mean, you. Before the special, you were telling me production ideas, and then you told me about, like, how to fucking size the thumbnail and how often to put stuff out. And, like, it was like every single day. You were texting me and checking it and promoting it on your social medias. That was really cool, man.

[Ari Shafir]

I was with my pothead brain. I'm like, forgot this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Forgot this.

[Ari Shafir]

I really should just make a sheet. Oh, my bad. Hey, what's your title? What's your caption? Where's your putting your money?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it is true. Because, like, that part's fun, though.

[Ari Shafir]

It's fun to, like, help people with stuff where it's not creative. Yeah, like the. Like the. You know, the building of a shelf.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. And it's really. We know it more than the. Even the producers. Like, even when you talk to, like, my distributor, like, they have no idea what they're doing. And then I talk to you, or I'll talk to, like, Louis Katz, people that have done it on YouTube. Like, you guys know specifically what works.

[Ari Shafir]

Those comics are all helping each other. Schultz helped me a ton. And he was like, hey. And eventually he's like, I gotta go. Listen, find one of my clips. Just copy it. Like a resume where I'll just put my stuff in where your stuff is, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you mean?

[Ari Shafir]

If you have to format a resume? You've never done that before? Yeah, like, let me see your resume. And I'm like, okay, TV here, and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll put my TV stuff there.

[Ari Shafir]

But Schultz is just. Just copy everything I've done. I got it right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, go.

[Ari Shafir]

And I'm like, can I tell other people? Tell everyone?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So in other words, like, his captioning.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. The way you do the phrasing of the title.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

All that stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's huge, isn't it? Like, the phrasing of the title on the thumbnail it's so dumb.

[Ari Shafir]

We shouldn't care about it. Yeah, so dumb.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. And then you see a clip of a woman who's doing a piece of crowd work that has no beginning, middle, or an end. And it's got like 300,000 views and you're like, what's going on here?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Oh, it's my favorite, the crowd work clips. I actually enjoy them now. I find joy out of them not doing anything. Yeah, Just like, what's your name? Like Bobbo Babo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's this. There's this very cliched structure where they. They walk over, they put their foot on the monitor. That's always the big thing of like, I'm so comfortable and I'm so tough. I'm fucking. I'm crotching you. I'm sticking my crotch at you. And then they go. And then they go like, so what do you do? And then they say, I'm a librarian. And they always repeat it. Oh, you're a librarian. So. So that they get that time. They buy themselves like an extra five seconds. I think of something to say.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not sure the crowd here is. It's very technical.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then a slow burn. A slow burn. A librarian. And now you got the laugh. You've already. Now that buys you a couple more.

[Ari Shafir]

Seconds because everyone's going, oh, I can't believe she just got this gift.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, she's about to eviscerate this bitch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And then they don't. And that's the clip.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it gets a million likes. What am I doing? I've got stand up, I've worked on for fucking 35 years. And I'm putting the best clips up and they're getting nothing.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you need neck tattoos, not writing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that could be it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got tattoos or is that against your face? That's it. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

This one says, keep on, keep on trucking. People say too much, Just keep on fucking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious. Yeah, that was one of the bumper stickers when we were kids.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. With the lead back guy. I was suggesting some lady came in, friend, and she was like, I'm going to get a tattoo while I'm here in la. And I was just suggesting dumb ones. Like the cigarette with a line through it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

She's like, no. I'm like, yin yang. She's like, shut up. No, I want to get something real. I was like, keep on trucking. She was, no. And I was like, no, you shouldn't keep on trucking. Though. And then I was like, I'll just get that. And then the guy doing it was like, do you want to lean back later? I'm like, what is that? He goes, the R Crumb font that you're getting. I'm like, who's our crumb? And he's like, the tattoo you're getting, it's based on an R Crumb.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm like, oh, I don't know any of that. Just do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious. Or I would. I think maybe I should get the coexist one. Right on my.

[Ari Shafir]

Should get the coexist, bro. New you. New Greg. Turn it over. Virtue Signal. Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have one. I have to say, though, the coexist. Whoever thought of that, like, that was pretty creative. They kind of nailed it. Decent fontic, good fonting. They got all the religions in there in words.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's pretty solid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It was like. It's almost like when you do a crossword puzzle and you go, like, how the fuck did you get every word.

[Ari Shafir]

To match lined up? Yeah. I would get three in, and then I'd be like, oh, I'm fuck. 80 more of these. No way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Right. Will Shorts. That's the guy's name who does the New York Times once.

[Ari Shafir]

I met a, like, the number three crossworder, the one who makes them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Ari Shafir]

In San Francisco. He's friends with David Taylor, and we were just talking about, like, vocabulary, and I'm like, I can't. My vocabulary's gone so far down. I was like, it's because I smoke too much pot. I was like, you think that's what it is? And I was like, it's not. He goes, I smoke pot, and I'm the third best crossword puzzle maker. Because when's the last time you read a book? Like, about a decade. He goes, all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what it is.

[Ari Shafir]

I'd be related to that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's reading books. I mean, I tried to beat that into my kids. I would literally beat them. And I would say, with books. With books.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Get the message. The metaphor here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's like that David tell joke. I hate to travel. Maybe it's because my father used to beat me with a globe when I was a kid. But, like, I really said to them, if you read, you're going to be able to write. You're going to have good vocabulary, you're going to have patience. It's like a meditation. Reading is like a meditation. You're not thinking about anything else for an hour.

[Ari Shafir]

Tune out. You ever tune out so much you've read nine pages and haven't read any of it? Yeah, but you're like on pace, slowly turning the pages at the right pace and you're just like, what was any of that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Or draw. You could do that driving home too. What I was just on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, dude, I'm in Losienaga. I was driving last night. I just got a. You know, my whole life I drove like, just okay. Cars. I was never like a car guy. And I just have always, like, you know, just wanted to spend my money on other things besides cars. But then finally, like, both my kids are like out of high school and, you know, the house paid off and I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to get the car I always want. So I got a Mustang. Always want.

[Ari Shafir]

Did you really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I buy it and I'm so. Fuck. Every time I get in it, I feel like a champion. And then three weeks in, this guy fucking T bones me. Crushes in the side of the car. And so I bring it into the shop and it was $10,000, but the other guy's insurance covered it. So I had to rent a car, but it took seven fucking weeks. And I got it back yesterday. And then me and my wife were driving to the store and this guy rolls a red. Rolls a stop sign. It's a four way stop sign. Rolls it and doesn't see me. And I floor it and I curve around. My back wheels spin out, I turn into the spin. I fishtail. This is down the street. It's not the widest street. And I end up in between two parked cars. The front of my car an inch from hitting a high curb. And we just sat there like, what the fuck just happened?

[Ari Shafir]

Wow, that's. I mean, that's American automotive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

That's the car you want to be living with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Me, if I was in another car. Yeah. I never would have gotten out of that situation.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't do that with an Accord.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Or I had a Prius before, it would have been like. But. But then I feel like when I got hit, I was like, see, I don't deserve a nice car. That's how I feel all the time.

[Ari Shafir]

I've never had a nice car either. Yeah, when you're in them, you're like, oh, it was cool for other people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But like, you just got to worry more about them. You got to worry about them getting vandalized or stolen or you get. You get a ding. Like a ding on a shitty Car. You're like, who cares?

[Ari Shafir]

Who cares? Yeah, my dad used to fuck. Bring it on. He'd see somebody skidding into me, this old big Suburban with, like, tents, but, like, the. More like grizzled marks. And he'd see people skidding out of. He's like, bring that off the books. Let's do this off the books. Come out, boom. He's like, hey, let's not go through insurance. Let's give it 200. And it would just be little pop after little pop. Victory Pops. Yes. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great. What car was it, a Wagoneer?

[Ari Shafir]

No, big Suburban, like the old style with really big. They're going back to those now, I think. Yeah, they are that size.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the car they. They rented me when I. Mine was in the shop as this big gmc.

[Ari Shafir]

From a Mustang to that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was my rental car, a GMC truck. And because they didn't have any Mustangs, and so they were like, we'll give you this. It's, like, beautiful. And I'll tell you what, man, the ride, you don't feel a single bump on the road, and it's pretty fast. Guzzles gas, but, like, it's such a good ride.

[Ari Shafir]

That is nice. Is that a Commerce casino poker trophy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The crystal one?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that was. I was. I was given. I was one of the top 100 Irish Americans about 10 years ago. They have a. Yeah, they have the Irish. You know, Irish America magazine. Oh, it's huge. Huge. It's one of the biggest magazines in the country. It's like Esquire, GQ.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But they give out the top 100 Irish Americans. And so I went. And it was in New York at the Plaza Hotel. And Michael Finlay, you know, the river dance guy. The river dance guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he was like the lead guest. This is more like 20 years ago. And so he was the honoree of the night. And so I'm sitting at a table and I'm with a bunch of famous writers. And then Michael Finlay, the day before the ceremony, gets completely Me tooed. He gets. Yeah, he gets like, this is before. Me too. It was. He got charged with rape. I mean, that's not. Me too. He got charged with rape.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah. There.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so he didn't show up. And it was. It was a. It was a big scandal because, you know, the Irish are very, like, ashamed also.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, damn, he's representing us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he went full right. See, it turns out he does use his hands for something because, you know, they dance with no hands.

[Ari Shafir]

He's just like resting them. Oof.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What number were you? They don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They don't rank it.

[Ari Shafir]

That's nice. That is. That's nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they don't rank it, but.

[Ari Shafir]

So you're right there with all of Pinky Blinders.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it was Maureen Dowd from the New York Times was sitting next to me and my brother hit on her.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know Maureen Dowd?

[Ari Shafir]

I know the name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, she's like one of.

[Ari Shafir]

Is she 100?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, am I 100? She's like my age.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And my brother was. She's pretty hot. My brother was hitting on her and he was like, getting pretty. Like, she's like one of the biggest writers in the New York Times for the last 20 years. I couldn't believe. My brother is the biggest. Balls.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. To go for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He will hit on anybody. And he's like, pretty good looking guy. So, like, he gets away with it. We were on an elevator once in Vegas on my bachelor party, and there was like 11 of us packed into the elevator at the Hard Rock. And so we're going down and it's like, you know, one in the afternoon, and this girl gets on and she's pretty hot and her hair is wet, so the door is closed. And my brother goes, did you take a shower? And she goes. She goes, yeah. And he goes, did you get the undercarriage? And she just starts fucking loud. Like, all of my brother gets away with that. She was howling. We were all howling like, the entire way down.

[Ari Shafir]

Bold.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the fastest you ever met a girl and ended up hooking up with her? What's the. Like the. From hello to hooking up?

[Ari Shafir]

Pre. We're talking about Pre. Like social media age.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. No, anytime.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, they're coming out. Like, you've already, like, texted them at that point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you've texted girls and then they've come over to your hotel.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Or my house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Where it's like just DM online a couple times. Oh, it's a different game than when you were.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are they people that saw you do.

[Ari Shafir]

Stand up or just know about you from podcasts or stand up? Sometimes it'll be after a show because now nobody actually goes up. There's no bars anymore. Like, I saw you looking at me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just like. So they got looking at me. Let's find him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Say hi. So you don't put yourself out there. It's never direct. Somebody give me your number. That's crazy. People like, no Give me your Instagram. Yeah, so then it'd be like, hi. I noticed she was like, oh, cool. What do you. Then. Then they're over and then you're just. You're fucking within 10 minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Within 10 minutes.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's pretty wild. No, there's a moment of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, this is like, even them. Like, we should have a condom or something. This is like, I just met you. I took so many chances with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are they good looking? Generally?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If they're not, do you go ahead with it anyway? Because they're already there one time. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's. Finn Taylor used to do a joke about it. The men are the only ones who, like, molest themselves. Yeah. Where it's like, yeah, it goes like women, you know how, like. Because we don't know how to say no. So, like, when you ever get, like, hook up with a guy and then the next day he's like, weird, you know, and just like, stands and she's like, what's going on? I was like, you molested him. He didn't want to do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You pressured him into it just by saying, I'd like to do that. And he's like, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You took advantage of the fact that men will always say, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I had a chick show up to my hotel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sometimes yes means no.

[Ari Shafir]

Sometimes yes means, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was just like, I don't have the heart to be like, oh, no, you're like 40 pounds heavier than your.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

MySpace profile. All right, so it was like, let's just swallow it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I never cared. I.

[Ari Shafir]

You would just go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hooked up with a girl who had hair all over her. She had it on her chin and then. And then she had it all over her. Her back.

[Ari Shafir]

Whoa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I. I did not care.

[Ari Shafir]

Didn't care.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She lives.

[Ari Shafir]

Stop you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't care. She lived on my dorm room floor.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I kind of had a thing freshman year where I was trying. I slept with so many girls on my floor that I. Eventually I said, I'm gon for it. I'm gonna try to run. I'm gonna try to run the table.

[Ari Shafir]

Connect all the rooms.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You try to hook up with every single girl on the floor.

[Ari Shafir]

Fucking hair Greg was crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hair Greg was aggressive.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my gosh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was a. There was a girl. There was a virgin from Hawaii. And I caught her second semester because first semester she was a hula dancer and she had a rocking body, but they didn't have ice cream. Where she grew up in Hawaii. And there was an ice cream bar in the cafeteria, and she put on, you know, the freshman 15. She put on, like, the freshman 30. So I caught her second semester when the door was a little. Little easier to get through.

[Ari Shafir]

Some power. Yeah, that's a nice fucking pull.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But I knew a guy who used to have this thing where he. It's like early 30s, maybe mid-30s. He would go on Facebook or MySpace, whatever it was then. And he would go to the women in his high school class. He goes, now they're divorced. You have a few people that are divorced. They had a relationship. Marriage didn't work out. Five years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So now they're feeling, like, unattractive. Who's the one saying, I'm older? And you just write them and just like, huh. You just. You came across my feed. How you been? It's just like, I gotta admit, I always had a crush on you in high school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's.

[Ari Shafir]

And then they remember their superpower back then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And they just tap into it. He would just go down the line of hooking up with his high school, like, once.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good.

[Ari Shafir]

Mm. What are those? You ever run a scam to hook up with a chick? Like, that was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ever run a scam? Yeah, one time I. Well, this was like an instant scam. I'd never played the long ball.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I did have one where I walked into a bar and I saw this girl, and she was talking to this guy. This guy was, like, obviously hitting on her, and she was not into it. And so I walked up and I go, excuse me. Do you mind if I talk to my girlfriend? And then he turned around, he left, and we were in my mother's car, like, 12 minutes later, hooking up.

[Ari Shafir]

That's. What is it with Woody Harrelson, Kingpin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What'd he do?

[Ari Shafir]

He staged a robbery, and he said, hey, get out of here. Throws coffee in his face. You remember that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it was his friend.

[Ari Shafir]

It was his friend. And then the lady caught him. She goes, thank you so much for getting rent. You're fine. You don't have to pay rent this month.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we did a lot. That's great. You were hooking up with her immediately because some guy was hitting on her. I don't want to be hit on. You were like, well, I'll do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's solid save. Saving somebody, I mean, that's. That's huge. Did you ever hook up with someone from high school that you would. That you came back to at A reunion or something.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it was terrible. I wish I had.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shafir]

In the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where'd you go to school? Maryland.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What kind of school was it?

[Ari Shafir]

Jewish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Religious. Jewish. And then. And then switched to like a less religious Jewish school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So how did you meet the girl?

[Ari Shafir]

She was visiting probably New York or was like California. It was in California. She's like, oh, let's hang out. But it was like the crush you never got.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then it was like, I'm more of a man then so I could be more like forward. Did it. And they're like, what did I do that for?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's just not good looking.

[Ari Shafir]

It wasn't that. It was just like you have this member when you're 15 and they're 15. That 15 is hot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then it's like, oh, now you're like a 30 year old Jew.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So it's like a bit of that. That crush back then, but even that now it's like now you just rob the memory of yourself of this like night hot chick you almost hooked up with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then I had an opportunity to do that same thing again and I said no, look at you. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Learning and growing.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I think she was like. It was further along.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Where I was like, use that as an excuse. I was like, no, I shouldn't. I don't want to ruin what we had. Yeah, we made out once and high school was hot. Let's not ruin that memory.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's weird that you have that memory because like when you think about it, you were 15, but she was 15. So your memory, which is hot, is of a 15 year old girl in jail. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you're grandfathered in. You're allowed to think about it now.

[Ari Shafir]

Because this is what Jared should have said. Yes, is what Jared just said. I got these pictures when I was 15.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, he did Subway?

[Ari Shafir]

No, but he should have. Now he's in jail for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Should have just done that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That was crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

That was crazy. He was just a weight loss guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Pretty wholesome. Look, I've lost weight eating, by the way. No way. Eating a sandwich a day, Are you kidding me?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Subway's been busted. The FDA has said that they don't consider their meat meat. It doesn't meet the standards to be called meat because it has so much byproduct in it. And their bread is loaded with sugar and preservatives. It's literally the worst food you could eat. It's so great. What's your Subway sandwich?

[Ari Shafir]

I have not Been in a long time. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They got. They got us. They got a meatball sub. The meatball cheese.

[Ari Shafir]

The meatball was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So meatballs.

[Ari Shafir]

So much different than all, like, the meats. It was like its own different thing. Like soup in a bun. Yeah, that one was really good. I forgot about that one. It was also, like, of all, like, I gotta. I'm at the airport. Or like, I gotta just get some. On the road and keep going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Subway seemed like the healthiest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But that doesn't. Now is not correct.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I had an egg McMuffin for breakfast this morning, which I literally never do, but I had to. I had to go somewhere this morning, and I was just like. I was hungry, and I was like, fuck it. I'm gonna get an egg McMuffin. And you know what? It was delicious.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, it's so good. It's so good. They're all so good. They put so much sugar in the. The best one was. What was it with, like. Oh, was it. Maybe it was that. It was like two, like, waffle buns. Not waffle, but, like, pancake buns.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, nice.

[Ari Shafir]

With egg in the middle. Something from McDonald's. It was so, like, sweet. I interviewed for my old podcast, a homeless lady on Los Angeles, Santa Monica, once.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just you.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I saw her. I was begging for money to pay off a bet for Sam Tripoli. I was median. Trying to get. I had to collect $40.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

$40?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And give it to a homeless guy. And I got two bottles of water for. In, like, two hours. It was so disheartening. It was really disheartening.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean you stood on the.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, like, at the red light, I would come out and be like, please, please, please, really? And I got nothing. I couldn't even come close to paying off. Then I went to the 711 in La Cienaga, like, a block south of the store.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And sat there. And then they called the cops on me, trying to get people. I was like, all right, man. I really, like, felt it, too. I was like, I'm just trying to make a living. I really got into it mentally. Yeah. But anyway, some lady was across the street. Homeless lady. And I, like, finish. I walked. She goes, how'd you do? And I was like, yeah, nothing. A couple bottles of water. She's like, yeah, people. It was, like, crazy. Then we, like, talked a little bit about begging. Spanging. She called it spanging. Spare change. Spange.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, you wanna. And I started going to my pockets. I'll be 100 bucks if you do my podcast. It was like, like, like I owned her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And then where.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where'd you do the podcast?

[Ari Shafir]

We did it right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you had your equipment with you?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I went and got it and came back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No way.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You just sat on the street, tall boy.

[Ari Shafir]

That was her name. She's non binary. But this is like 15 years ago. I was like, what is that? And then she kind of told me just like, she like shifts he. I don't shift backs and forth. It was like, what? Like, I hadn't even heard of that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where did she sleep out there?

[Ari Shafir]

But I was like, why don't you sleep in tent city? Whatever. She goes, they're animals. They're heroin addicts and meth heads. Like weed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And like, I'm kicked out because I'm this like, fluid lady. My family won't talk to me. But like, those. They're not humans over there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did she have mental illness, you think?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, somewhat. For sure. For sure. She wasn't all there. She had drama constantly. But like, on another level.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Maybe from being homeless. I'm not sure we want to bring her up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're talking about fast food.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. When I was like. So I was interviewed, I was like, so another question. I'm like, like, you're pretty big. I mean, she was like, I love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're insulting.

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, I don't know how to say it, but I was, you want to know how? I'm homeless and fat. I was like, yeah, yeah. If you don't have money for food. She goes, McDonald's is the cheapest food you can get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

So I eat mostly that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Yeah. My egg McMuffin was five bucks. And you can get. Right now. They've got double cheeseburgers for 59 cents on McDonald's. I saw I survived on that. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

39 cent cheeseburgers, 20 nuts and hamburgers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Wednesdays. And I would get three or four on the way to the store.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Damn.

[Ari Shafir]

Kept me afloat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. When I was a teenager.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks, Ron.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They. They had a McDonald's in my town and every like four hours, they would throw out all the burgers that run eat. And we would. We would dumpster dive. We were high and drunk. We're like 16. And we. Oh, we go see. We. They were in the fucking packaging still.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, that's fair.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, dude, I saw that. I saw that. That homeless lady in San Francisco years later. I was. I was with family and I saw. I was like, wait a minute. I mean, it was a decade later.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that an upgrade?

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Going to San Francisco as a homeless person?

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, that's. That's the home of it, you know, if you want to make it, that's really where you got to go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's their Vegas.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like you're waiting and waiting, waiting, but Radio City's right there. You got to have to do it eventually. Carnegie Hill.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was that 100 bucks you gave her. She got a bus ticket.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And I was looking at her, I was like, I think that's. I haven't talked in lake to many homeless people. And I was like, hey, is your name Tall boy? And she was like. Like standoffish. Because also when I did, I finished the interview. Like, that was great. That was amazing. She goes, where's that hundred? And I was like, all right, I'm sorry. Here it is. I'm not trying to like, yeah, yeah. And then I bought her a joint. She was, aw. She loved it. But. But I saw her, I was like, is your name Tallboy? She goes, you're that guy who gave me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, she remembered you.

[Ari Shafir]

How many times that happened? That it's not trying to get you to blow him, too?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many. How often do you think they get guys trying to get them to blow them so much? Did you ask her that?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I think so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Like sex stuff. She goes, some people, like, let you stay with them for a little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then that they make you shower and it's a dark world. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. But I should add a home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Should.

[Ari Shafir]

I should add a home?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Wouldn't have happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. And it is such a cycle that once you're out there, now all of a sudden you can't go to an interview because you smell and your clothes are dirty and you don't have a resume and you don't even have sometimes a phone they can call you on.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so you just can't get that next job. And then you got to come up with first, last, and security to move in somewhere.

[Ari Shafir]

Shelter is your only hope if you can shower there and get clean. Ish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

But you really. You're getting a dock worker job, Right. My aunt said she was like, this country is still, like, the only place you can, you know, show up with the $10 in your pocket and become a millionaire. I realized I'd heard that since I was a little kid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like, oh, no, no. You've got about seven minutes to find a job.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Right.

[Ari Shafir]

You get a slice of Pizza for a dollar. Shitty pizza. You're sleeping on the street that night. Unless you're in a shelter. Yeah, maybe it's springtime, so. Okay. But you're a little dirty. You're fucked. That's it. That's it. That's it. Your home is forever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

Can I run to the bathroom?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, of course. No, this way. Go in there and make a left straight and then on the right.

[Ari Shafir]

It.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And we're back with Ari Shafir, who.

[Ari Shafir]

Took that Yosemite picture. I threw through a lot, but I was obsessed with it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, isn't that nice?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Did you take it or did you find.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it might be like an Ansel Adams or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Have you been to Yosemite?

[Ari Shafir]

I just went for the first time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's magic.

[Ari Shafir]

It's magic. It really is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just like the star shines. So it was. You're so deep in there to get in there. Once you get through the gate, you know where they pay the. It's like an hour to get down. It's not just like right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. And then everything just looks big and clean.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Clean the. The air.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Did you go. Do you see the. The big rock they climb? Was it Half Dome? Had the half dome. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

That picture is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I had an idea to climb up there and do we got like an eighth of the way just be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's great though. In the background we did some. Some. Some rafting because you got mushrooms. Chick and her family and rafting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This was a cold.

[Ari Shafir]

The water nose. July, it was still cold. You get out and like refresh yourself. But then after a bit it's like, that's enough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You take the shrooms before. The raft trip was great.

[Ari Shafir]

And then you just like. Especially on the slow part, you just kind of let it take you. So if you're like on your back just kind of doing it and the thing would just like slowly turn. You hit a twig and it would turn. Or just like without you moving, it would just change your view.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's just like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, you're like, I'm two rows away from catching up to anybody. Cuz it's so slow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Ari Shafir]

It was so perfect.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. There's nothing like floating on a river, man. I mean, it really is. When you talk about being at peace floating on a river. Is it that flow?

[Ari Shafir]

It's just floating. It's not even like there's nothing to navigate really. There's an occasional rapids of like, this high?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Ari Shafir]

You're like. Well, it's like, not even. Like Pirates of the Caribbean level.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Did you make love to the chick in a tent?

[Ari Shafir]

Probably.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Would you say it was her and who else?

[Ari Shafir]

Her family. So it would have been a. That would have been tough, which I've definitely done before. You've done that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Quiet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, one time, my wife had. My wife caught. We went down to the Jersey shore and I rented this big house. I was flush with money that summer, so I rented a big house for my whole family. And it was like, my mom, my sister, her kids, and my brother. And. And so my two kids were very young. And so we got to New Jersey and she felt sick, and she got worse and worse and worse. We had to go in the emergency room, and she had spinal meningitis.

[Ari Shafir]

Your wife?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So we spent. We were there for a week, and we spent six of the days in the hospital in the er. And then the last day we get home and she's in bed and she's still completely knocked out or, like, bringing her soup. And then my mom walks in on me having sex with her. She's like, what's wrong with me?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, she walked in. She's got spinal meningitis. I know. It turned me on. I wasn't expecting it. The new curve in her spine is a humongous turn on. Get out. Mom, I get. Why are you still in here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's got a fever. It feels amazing. She's so hot.

[Ari Shafir]

Mom, you gotta feel this. Touch my cock. Touch my cock, you bitch. It's so fucking warm. You never did this to dad?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. Flu fucking, man. That's the best. You're kind of in a dream state. You're in a fugue state.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like, proud of yourself for even getting a boner?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Spinal meningitis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was so weird. It was the weirdest thing because one of my best friends died of it. He caught it on a trip, and he was about 36 years old, and Jerry Red Wilson. You ever heard of Jerry Red Wilson? He was a comic, and he had a TV show on cbs. And so he died suddenly. And so we started this. We went to his funeral, and it was a real. Like, he was from Queens, and it was like a real Irish fireman kind of family. And so they had this Irish wake, and we got up there and. And they just gave the microphone to people. I had. The father said, will you bring people up and tell stories? So I kind of emceed it and attell Went up and Colin Quinn and Jim Brewer and I think, what's his name? Anyway, everybody crushes, tells these stories and the place going, you know, they're so. You ever tell jokes at a funeral?

[Ari Shafir]

Right? It's the great cathartic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And so the father said, can we do this every year? So for like three years, we did it at Caroline's.

[Ari Shafir]

But also, you agree to that? Until the memory starts to fade away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of who this guy was. Like, I'm a producer.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I don't want to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm negotiating with Caroline Hirsch for the present of the tickets we get. And so. But it got so big and we would get the craziest comedians. Everybody would do it. So we started, we did it, a town hall, like four or five years in a row, sold out. And we used to. We got like Jay Leno, jon Stewart, Patrice O'Neill, like, everybody. And. And then my son, like, after doing five or six years, I'm on the road in St. Louis and I get a call from my wife. She's in the emergency room. My son has spinal meningitis and he's getting. And he's getting a spinal tap. He was nine months old and I. He almost died. He was. He was in the hospital for like a week. And. And then my wife fucking catches it, like two years later. So. Don't do benefits. It was fucking cursed if they.

[Ari Shafir]

If you died. So when a comedian dies, we band together. Yeah, let's meet up first. It's just, let's talk at a club, you know, but then there's like a memorial, and then someone will go, like we should, in an effort to like, make it not happen, which is impossible. Let's raise money for something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Uh huh.

[Ari Shafir]

What would yours be? What would you want them to do?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Best buddies. That's my charity.

[Ari Shafir]

That's your charity? Not like your family, your wife, to keep her going?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, we're good.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, if you had young kids, it'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're okay there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, my kids need to make. Make their own way at this point. So does my wife.

[Ari Shafir]

Best buddies. What is you ever worked for?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Too long. It's for people with intellectual disabilities.

[Ari Shafir]

Intellectual disabilities.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Say it.

[Ari Shafir]

Retards. Okay. Retarded people. All right. I mean, you stumped me on that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's so funny because I've been doing it for so many years. And then it became very in vogue to do jokes about them, including yourself. I've seen you do them at length.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude, I have nothing but respect for the retards. You're way out of line. That was retarded, what you said to me because of how out of line I was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I do the benefit. So I do this benefit for them every year at the store. I've done it for, like, 15 years. And I asked a certain comedian to do it. He's a big name, and best buddies called me, and they said, look, we would never tell you how to do your show, but there's the guy on the show, says the word, does routines about it, and we've reached out to him and asked him to be more sensitive about it, and he told him to fuck off.

[Ari Shafir]

And now you're booking him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now I'm booking him to headline the show. And so I didn't. I said, I can't. I said, I can't cancel him. And so. So I didn't. And then he blew it off.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was like, oh, thank God.

[Ari Shafir]

At least you did the right thing. You handled it perfectly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, yeah, then we did one two years ago, and someone didn't show up. And so Emily, the booker for the store, goes, hey, Andrew Schultz is in the original room. Do you want him to come in? And I go, oh, yeah, that'd be great. So he comes over, and she told him on the way over that it was. It was for halfway people in halfway houses, because the people. The best buddies gets you into housing. So she communicated. Right. And so he went on and he did 10 minutes of the harshest, like, act out. Act out. Disabled people in front of a room full of people that some of them in the room had disabilities. One of the comedians that I bring on every year, I kind of mentor him. He's a comedian with Asperger's. And. And he.

[Ari Shafir]

It was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he was like, why aren't you guys. Like, he was literally going, why aren't you guys laughing?

[Ari Shafir]

There must be something I don't understand about this crowd. Yeah. Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So I took a year off after that when I really rethought whether or not this is the right place.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Whenever my mom's been like, why don't you bring me to the Comedy Store? I'm like, there's people there. I don't know if they'll know how to act. Yeah, you're a nice lady.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you bring your girlfriend out at all?

[Ari Shafir]

I brought every girlfriend I've ever had to the store because they're always like, how come you're not including me in this?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then it's like, I realized after a few, I'm like, oh, it's so much more boring than you think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

We're just talking shit about our best friends without them there. The same gossip all the time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Talking about which comics we think are overrated. It's the same dumb conversation. It's not even deep conversations on life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

And then they're like, this is boring. Like, so you're not coming anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm just down till three doing this, but I'm not doing anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Even the mothership we're talking. I was like, there's so many cool bars in Austin. Why do we stay here? Like, free drinks. We're already here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It's like, I'll be out to dinner with friends, and then. And then I'll be like, it'd be 10 o'clock. And I'm like, all right, I got to head into Hollywood, you know, from Venice. And they're like. Everyone's like, I'm going. I've got to go to bed. I'm exhausted. And they're like, why? Why are you. Why are you doing that? And I just look at them like, I don't know. I just know it's gonna be a better time than I'm having right now.

[Ari Shafir]

So boring. I know you don't think you're boring.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But you are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Right. And my friends aren't boring. But it's not as good as talking shit with, you know, other comics. It's just, like, my favorite thing to do.

[Ari Shafir]

I met Jake Johansson once, worked with him in dc. My first MC week, I think, feature. No, it must have been mc, but we're all talking. They used to, like, lock the doors and, like, the staff just, like, drink and smoke and play games and stuff. Was great after hours. And so I was talking to him about, like, hookers and Tijuana like that. And then later in the week, he was like, it's just funny. Like, my. My wife's friends are here. I'm supposed to meet them. But it's like, he's like, I'm not a hooker guy. I never was. But, like, I'd still rather talk to a comedian about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Than about this gardening stuff I got. And I'm into gardening.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

They're just not comedians.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. And then you bring them to the club and it's just like, take care of them. Such a bummer. And people always go to me like, oh, you're a comedian? Oh, well, I'll come out to one of your shows. Like, they're doing me a favor. Like, I need to bring people and I, as a rule I just say, I'm sorry, I don't bring people to shows. I don't put people on the list.

[Ari Shafir]

You just do it right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then I just say right on the spot. I don' Put people on the list because you're gonna text me 10 minutes before I'm about to go on and tell me that they don't have your name at the door or you're gonna make a scene or.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, that's the worst. If they start yelling out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's like, you're the problem.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, that's smart. Just like, nah, they don't do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do St. Patrick's Day. I do a show on St. Patrick's Day every year and I do the best buddy show and I tell people, those are your two times to come out. And I'm still not putting you on the list. But those are the nights I'll actually tell you that I'm gonna be on stage in la.

[Ari Shafir]

I do that with musician friends, but I don't realize how big they are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's like, oh, you're playing New York, I'll come support. I've won like a grant.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not my first time in New York. And afterwards, like you did. That was great, man. That's how they treat us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Ah, you just saw one joke. Good job.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You friends with that guy? I did his podcast in Austin. The black guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Danny Brown. Yeah, Danny Brown. Thinking of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I just don't know rap.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So we've become friends actually. But like, I think only because I don't know rap.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

So I'm able to be myself around him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Uh huh.

[Ari Shafir]

Any celebrity that I'm like, I just get weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do too.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't handle it. And you look at someone like Jeff.

[Ari Shafir]

Ross, he's just friends with all of them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Friends with every single celebrity.

[Ari Shafir]

Tim Dillon's good at it. Tony's good at it. All these people. I'm just like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, what do you think that is?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know who's gonna like insult them and like prop us up, but it's probably lame on our parts. They're just people, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But I don't know, we pedestal them. Even if it's like, I don't respect your stuff. It's just, I know you're a celebrity, so then it's like, do you feel weird?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like as a comic, you're usually kind of the alpha and now they're the Alpha. And that makes you uncomfortable.

[Ari Shafir]

Maybe. Maybe. But I am more of a lay, fallback observer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, so I'm not usually an alpha like that. What do you think it is?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm trying to picture myself with a celebrity.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just like, I clam up. I'm just like. I don't say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I kind of feel like they are. And I see people do it to me as a comic where I just feel like I'm not interesting enough or I don't rate. I've got nothing to add and I'm wasting their time.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And also, like, I feel like I don't want to ever be seen as wanting something from. This is why booking the podcast is such a pain in the ass. I hate asking people because.

[Ari Shafir]

Favor. It's a favor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't like asking favorites.

[Ari Shafir]

Everybody's got a podcast before. He's like, oh, sure, I'd love to. How come you never asked me? And then it's like, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

And even if that's not the case, it's still. You worried about it. So you don't want to bug a celebrity, but something's not even that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

We saw Ken Griffey Jr. Me and Steve Simone at Renazisi had a premiere party for the league and. And always telling we'd do it together every year. And he was just there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And we're, like, standing, like, nearby him. One of us was like, is that Ken Griffey Jr. I mean, if people don't know. Sweetest Swing. Just one of my first as a kid, like, hall of Famer. Like, wow, he's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And we're there with him, and we're just like. And then there's one of the times he went for, like, what'd you think of the first episode? He was like, I was really fun. He was like, right. And we, like, didn't focus on him at all. We were happy to have talked to him for three minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And he was just by himself, just kind of like, like, waiting for someone to talk to him. It was the ideal situation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And never like, I know you are, though. It's like, did I know better than to do that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. I had this thing once. I went to a party, and my wife was obsessed with Mad Men. She thought Jon Hamm was, like, the most handsome, suave guy she'd ever seen in her life.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think most women did.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I remember once, the first time she saw the show, I walked. We were. I was in San Francisco playing at A club. And I walk in the room and Mad Men was on, and she was sitting on the bed with her pants around her ankles. Not, like, masturbating, just, like, she was getting undressed and started watching the show and got so obsessed that she had to stop what she was doing and sit down and watch. And so I'm at this party, and Jon Hamm walks in, and she's with her friend and me, and we're standing there, and everybody kind of pays attention. And he walks in and he walks straight to me, and he goes, greg, how you doing? And he gives me this big hug. It's one of those things where, like, I'm hugging and I'm looking at my wife going. And he go. And he goes, blah, blah, blah. We start talking, and then I go, have we met before? And he's like, John. He goes. From the. From the Improv. Julie Hirschberg. We all used to hang out. And I was like, holy shit. There was this guy I was friends with at the Improv for years. He was just a guy that hung out there. He was a young actor, and I did not know that that was this guy because he looks so different on tv.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Yeah. He's wearing suits all the time. Classic, nice suits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we reconnected and we were friends again. And, you know, he did my podcast a bunch of times.

[Ari Shafir]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But even that. So you. Okay, so you meet Jon Hamm. He's become Jon Hamm. You already knew him. Still, you must be a little bit like, can I ask him to do my podcast?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, he did a few times, and then I just stopped. I started getting, like, the fame thing. I started not being able to.

[Ari Shafir]

To be normal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I feel bad for them because that's what they come in contact with all the time. People that should be. Even. Should be normal around them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Get weird, right? It's not. It's no way to live now. I was in Guatemala in some, like, small town. We found some festival when I was there. Just. You look up in South America, like, where it's like, every county has their one festival a year. Throughout all of Latin America. Like, whatever indigenous tribe was there mixed with Christianity and they made their own little thing. So anyway, I was like, hey, there's one over there. I was there for two weeks, so there's one. So I went with this guy from a hostel. There's some, like, ceremony where they're like, some little kid was there, the. Lighting a fire around him and, like. And, like, putting, like, flowers and little fireworks. And I don't know. It was all on the up and up. But he's like. Like, hey, do you watch Forget the name of the show. Hacks or suits? And I was like, no. He's like, I think that guy's from that show. And I was like, he's like, you think it's him? Like, I don't. I don't. I've never seen the show. I've heard the name. That's it. Because I think that's him. I mean, this is in. It wasn't even Chichi Castanago. Some nothing town in Guatemala. Wow. He goes, I think I should go say something to him. And I was like, hey, buddy, if that's him, you should not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You should not.

[Ari Shafir]

With his family.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

See that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

He's as far away from Hollywood as possible. And he goes, how about I just go by him and, like, say he's like, his character name so he knows I know even worse. I don't. He. It's just. He's not gonna enjoy it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

He's lost in it. He gets us. And. And he was like, I should say something. I'm like, listen, you do whatever you want. I'm just telling you, I. I have a little insight here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

He doesn't want it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And he didn't. And the next day, he was like, I feel I should have said something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. No. The guy was lost in the moment. He was away, and you would have just immediately, what, another white guy?

[Ari Shafir]

The only other white guy in this town.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Taking him out of it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You're lost in a sunset. Hey. What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Guy did that to me at a urinal. Don't you hate comedy clubs where you.

[Ari Shafir]

Have to go out there, go to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The urinal that everybody else goes to and without. Obviously, they're there to see you.

[Ari Shafir]

Side splitters. Comedy works. These are great clubs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And still you have Cleveland Hilarities. That's where it just happened.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. You got to go through that, like, hallway and then right into the deadpool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. The guy stand next to me, he's like, hey, man. Really excited to see it tonight. And I said to him, I go, dude, I'm urinating. I go, I don't mean to be a dick, but, like. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah. My dick is in my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

This is the metaphor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. It's nice to get recognized sometimes. Like, when I'm with my kids, I.

[Ari Shafir]

Love it sometimes it feels nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What are the best ones of those? I was in Costa Rica. Once my family were hiking up this hill. These people on horseback were coming down. Somebody's like, oh, you should fear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Ari Shafir]

And it was like, yeah, was that not a lawyer?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now the best is when you're talking like, I was on a plane recently with this woman and, you know, attractive woman, you know, and just harmlessly flirting. And then this guy walks down the aisle and he goes, fitz, dog, love you, man. And she's just like, I told her what I did. She's just like, what was that? And she's like, oh, whatever. I'm like a really, really low level celebrity.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It is funny, people, like, because no one gets recognized from someone they don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

They might be like, oh, hey, I play basketball with you. But it's like, if you don't know them, that just never happens to anyone. Most people know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So it's like, what the fuck is that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, it's time for fits. Fastballs with fits. Okay. You're going to do another podcast today, aren't you?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Sicklers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, that'll be all this press.

[Ari Shafir]

I got all this press for my special.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the special is called America's Sweetheart. It's out on January 14th on Netflix.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are you looking at?

[Ari Shafir]

Who said who? Did I tell you that or did the fucking Jews tell you that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it came out on Deadline Hollywood two days ago.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. They got to research my guests.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it was odd.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a two special deal where you're putting out that. And for the first time, Netflix is releasing something that had previously been put out on YouTube.

[Ari Shafir]

Pretty wild.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you have special?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

A bit crazy. Because they've been like, no, we're not doing that. To everybody who had one. They're like, we're not doing that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're double dipping.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I think it. Well, so all my views on that came and kind of like petered. So it's good for me. It's like new audience, new life in it. But it's pretty interesting. I actually had the same thing at Comedy Central where I was like, oh, they'll never gonna take me. I'll just do my own. They're making fun of it. All these comics trying to do their own specials. And then they bought a special and licensed that one. Yeah, the one they said, why are these comics doing that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right Then it was.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't. Weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that's free money because you've already paid for it, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's just bonus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Straight in your pocket.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. That Comedy Central thing was like, I think I owed whoever made it, like, five grand. And then they were like, I think Justin got a deal for it, actually. He was like, listen, you're never gonna recoup on this knowing he had a deal at Comedy Central. Like, hold on. Don't sign it yet. And he goes, how about just. Here's five grand. Just give him the rights. And he's like, okay. And then now sign it. Oh, nice hundred or whatever it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I think we sold him, like, 120 or something. Like, oh, it's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's awesome. So check that out. Also, the podcast is you be Trippin, which I did a few months ago on Ireland. On Ireland. That was really fun. A lot of those memories I had thought about since, like, 1984. When they happen.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Maybe do another one on South Africa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. When you're back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Because that. That'd be a way different one. You talking about stuff from 19.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Versus stuff from 19 days ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. With my kids watching them at my. At the age I was back then.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Actually, they're a little older than I was back then. I was only 18 on that trip. Also, tour dates coming up. Tahoe, December 21st. Homestead, Pennsylvania, January 3rd through 5th.

[Ari Shafir]

Pittsburgh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Providence, January 10th and 11th. Where's Pittsburgh?

[Ari Shafir]

Homestead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's what Homestead is.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I love these things. They put you on your website. No one knows what that is. Even the people from there don't know what that is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm actually doing the same gig, I think, the week after you.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, nice. I'll leave a little meat on the bone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Don't drag. Don't drag everybody in town to your show. Salt Lake City, January 17th and 18th. Brea, January 31st through February 1st. Nashville, February 6th through 8th. And then San Antonio and Tampa. Coming up, Side splitters.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You talked me into that. I was going to. And you're, like, playing a different club. Like, what? What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, come on.

[Ari Shafir]

I just had to deal with them, and then once I switched, it was like, oh, game over.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's less money, but it's a better experience.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't even know. It's just like. You draw better. It's just like. It's so fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's so much fun.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, oh, Tampa. That's so cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Like, oh, yeah. You went from my least favorite club in the country to maybe my second favorite club in the country.

[Ari Shafir]

It really is a rock big hall.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's just not for that Three balconies or two balconies.

[Ari Shafir]

I'd always heard about that. Was that cool? And, like. No cool. There's a reason they don't do that. Have a guy straight up there. Yeah, but man size. But we own Mark Norman's bachelor party. When A few years ago, we did gigs at site splitters to pay for it. Two or three in a night, and they use all that money for stakes and hookers and strippers and stuff. Chlamydia treatment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In Tampa?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, in Tampa. And then, like, I was like, oh, yeah. I went to bt. I was like, call my Jews.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Get this done right. This is a far better experience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Popcorn, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Popcorn that pops up machine. They got frozen pizzas and popcorn. And the staff is so cool.

[Ari Shafir]

They're cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And then when you're in town, you get to go on and do Mike Calta.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, it's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One of my favorite radio guys in the country.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah. He rules, too. Rest in peace. I assume by the time this comes out, the hard failure we'll set in, but maybe I'm wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, who's the worst feature act that ever opened for you on the road or mc?

[Ari Shafir]

There was a guy in. This is just first thing that comes to mind. So there was a guy in. What's the club? Ruthann's club in Crackers in Indianapolis. Yeah. And he did, word for word, the Jay Moore, Bert Kreischer story about. About hanging out with Tracy Morgan. No, that they had had public beef over whose story this is. And it was Burt's story. And then Jay Moore's like, do you mind if I do that? And Burt was, like, kind of too young to go, no, don't do that. And so they had this massive thing, and this kid does it just word for word.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So now there's three guys doing the same story.

[Ari Shafir]

I get. It's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

And there's not an.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did he tell it as if it happened to him?

[Ari Shafir]

Yes. Yeah. Not like, I heard the story about Tracy Morgan, and I'm, like, watching. I'm like, what? And, you know, I'm like, pretty against, like, not much in comedy except joke stealing. And I said nothing to him and just didn't say a word. Just pussed out. Just did the week. He did it. Every show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Ari Shafir]

Who you got? Do you do these two or. No?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. I just ask.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's your best Asian friend?

[Ari Shafir]

Asian?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I try to stay away from all of them to Be honest. They're a real problem.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can't be friends with them.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, we. I've never met a Uyghur, but I would assume they'd be. They'd way outdo the. I might be Bobby Lee. It can't be that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Everybody says Bobby Lake.

[Ari Shafir]

He's the only one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll go. Ronny Chang over Bobby Lee. I've never punched Ronny Chang in the face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, there must be an Asian I'm not thinking of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, you punched Ronnie Chang in the face?

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, not Bobby Lee, though. Many times.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You punched him in the face so many times. No.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

As a joke.

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, we used to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No shit.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Let me tell you something, Greg. I know you used to get in a lot of fights.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And I don't know if you. I don't know if you ever got this tactic or just never had the opportunity. If you pick on people that are smaller than you, it just goes better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But I think he wrestled, though, in high school, didn't he?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. They don't take punches in wrestling. I mean, you punched him. He turtled up kicking at him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Superman punched him one time. It felt really good. What was the beef over a chick? Yeah. I was a young. I was a young punk. Wow. Yeah, I was an asshole. Wait, there must be. Who are the Asians in comedy now in New York? There must be some Asians.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ali Wong.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Friendly. But I'm not friends with her. Here's my side of, like, friends. If I was in your neighborhood and hungry, would I call you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

You. I'd call.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Ari Shafir]

If I was, like, around here, and I was, I'd be like you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have we. I don't think it happened, but you've called me a couple times when you're on the west side.

[Ari Shafir]

What are you doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I would not do that with Ali Wong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

I know where she lived. Yeah. Who's. I guess Bobby Lee. Everyone says Bobby Lee. There's no Asians in comedy. Shang Wang, I like. No, I'm better friends with Shang Wang, even though I'd never see him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know who I want to be friends with is Jimmy O. Yang.

[Ari Shafir]

Jimmy O. Yang.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He seems like a really good dude. Yeah, he's very nice.

[Ari Shafir]

Lead of Squid Games, that guy. Be cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he'd be pretty good. Does he speak English, though?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I don't think so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That might be better.

[Ari Shafir]

Might be better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How funny would that be? To be good friends with a guy who doesn't speak English. And you take him out all the time.

[Ari Shafir]

He says something like to the waiter, like, your guys is as good as mine. I don't know. He's pointing to his coke. I mean, probably more coke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've seen guys dating, dating women that barely spoke English.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you speak the language of love.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And money. When's the last time you apologize to somebody?

[Ari Shafir]

Let's see. I did just apologize. It was not accepted. To Joe Rogan. I'm always pissing. I don't like to leave. Listen, even this leave, I mean, this is your home, so it's a little different.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I want to interrupt to go to the bathroom, and I have a Jewish bladder, so it's a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So just pissing a bottle. We'll keep going from the audio only days. Just pissing a bottle. And I do that, you know, lots of times. If I'm like, I don't know. I do it at home. If I don't feel like going downstairs to pee, you know, or if something's happening down there, I'm like, I'll just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Piss, like a regular sized bottle. Isn't it hard to get it in there?

[Ari Shafir]

Yes, it's hard, but not insurmountable. Yeah, I've done it driving. You know when you're, like, coming back to San Diego, you have to lean up so you can point your dick down. And. Yeah, there's always that vacuum the air needs to escape. So you learn how to do it anyway, do it all the time. He's like, stop. But Joe's also lets me be my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you do it during the podcast on his shoes.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, And I've done it for a decade or more. But anyway, we're shotgun and beers, where you key them, you know, and crack them open. And I pissed into one of those and didn't see the back was just a big hole. And it was just like. I was like, wait, what's happening? It didn't make sense for a second. And I'm just pissing into a beer can and then directly onto the floor. I'm, like, mopping it up. And then later I was like, hey, dude, I'm sorry. He goes, you're not sorry you pissed right into a can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, no. Yes. But I didn't know there was a hole in it. I was just gonna fill up. I was just gonna be disgusting, not rude. Yeah, I apologize for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tough when they don't accept it.

[Ari Shafir]

It's tough when they don't accept it. But also, he's. It's not like we're not friends. Yeah, yeah. But also, I did just piss on his floor that day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. So Joe will get mad at you, and then it's water under the bridge so fast. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's crazy. He's a lot of like, I'm done with that person forever. And then he has him on his podcast two weeks later. It's like he's just like, he's too supportive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I'm trying to remember another time I apologize for opening my mouth about a comedian years ago and then saw them again recently. It was like, again, man, I'm really sorry. Don't worry about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice. Thank you, Dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's better than. I think it's because I think the Jews and I grew up Irish Catholic, where you do confession, and I did the AA thing where you go out and you make amends to people. It's so healing for you. It's almost selfish how good it feels.

[Ari Shafir]

It's crazy. And to them, they. They felt seen. They feel seen. And like, okay, great. You. You express. Not just like, sorry. I was talking to this with a new parent, and she was like, yeah, we tell the kids, like, say you're sorry after you hit, like, a sibling or something, but they just go, sorry, but they don't really feel it. Like, you tell them to, like, you know, paint by numbers, but it's not. You should tell them to internalize it, because as adults, no one's taught us to be like, hey, that was fucked up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, I kept you waiting for an hour. That was. That was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I was, you know, not just, like, sorry, I was on the phone. It's just like, that really sucked.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, and people go, all right, yeah, it did suck. I was waiting there. It's like, yeah, I won't do that again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Ari Shafir]

But, like, it's the power in it. Well, even years later, you tell somebody, hey, yeah. They're like, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Ari Shafir]

And get you laid, too. Say some shit to a chick, then years later, like, say you're sorry about making fun of their dead grandfather or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Because now they know you're capable of it, so they feel safe.

[Ari Shafir]

And you didn't just skirt by it. Like, you. Like, you recognized that was an asshole thing to do. You didn't just forget about it. I've been holding onto it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You knew it was bad, and you've been holding it. Too embarrassed to say I'm sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is there anything you want to apologize to me about?

[Ari Shafir]

I gave you a Lot of bad advice on purpose for that special because I didn't want yours to eclipse mine. And I. And I accepted all the praise, but really, I knew I was cutting your legs out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You give everybody advice. You're really well known for it. All right, finally, what's the hackiest bit that you've ever done in your career?

[Ari Shafir]

I stole a straight. Stole a joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. From Charles Barkley.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And he was talking about. I applied to Kobe Bryant, but he was talking about Chuck Person I think might have played with him because he was such a ball hog. You could fake him a pass and he'd still shoot it. I applied that to Kobe on his hair. That was pretty. That's pretty shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost stole a joke once from. I fucking forget his name right now. I saw some guy in San Francisco, I was so young, and I was like, I knew was wrong, but I was like, maybe. But I was like, nah, I'm not gonna. And then later he did that joke on Last Comic Standing. Like, developed into my own. And it's, you know, now you don't think about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. About, like, surfing is the only sport. I forget his name. He's cool guy. Surfing is the only sport that involves animals. Involves unrelated animals. Like, shark attacks are real part of that. Because imagine like, quarterback drops basket. Oh, the gorilla's got him. Oh, shit, he's beating the fuck out of him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a great bit.

[Ari Shafir]

Great bit. And I was like, no way somebody from the old cops is ever gonna go on to anything in la.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, this was a long time ago.

[Ari Shafir]

At like a show. Like a week in, like, show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, wow.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, I'm sure I've done plenty of hacky jokes, but yeah, it's funny, though, when you say, here's a cringe moment. You see a joke you did in a new comic who, you know, didn't steal it from you. And just like, that was such an easy take. Oh. When I moved to New York, all my subway stuff, I thought it was so like, oh, interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You see generation after generation of comics, dude, the exact same joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why I never call anybody on if I think that they stole a joke for me. Because I was just look at the joke. Like, oh, they might have thought of it. Like, I just want to drop that right.

[Ari Shafir]

It's almost like, oh, fuck me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. If they would. If they would even steal that joke. I don't want to do that joke anymore.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's not about going through Ireland when I had still had hair. That's like. Dude, wait, what the fuck? You never went to Ireland?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You still. You still have hair, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, well, listen, Ari Shafir again, buddy. Thank you. It's always great seeing you, America, sweetheart. Thanks for making time, man. Came straight from the airport and I got. I sent you a holiday gift, which I guess you didn't get.

[Ari Shafir]

You didn't get yet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm wondering what the fuck it is it's gonna be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's good. I sent two things.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And one is related to your move. Actually, they're both kind of related to your move.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

To London, you mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

June, right?

[Ari Shafir]

June. I start a backpacking trip for six, eight months, and then when I'm done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, then you go, oh, no. Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm gonna have some fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got enough money for all this?

[Ari Shafir]

Let's do one last tour, save up some cash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Huh?

[Ari Shafir]

But, I mean, cut out rent.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, that's my biggest cost in New York.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're gonna get rid of that place? You do your podcast too?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I can get another one and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Set it up, huh?

[Ari Shafir]

It was just an apartment, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you just put all your shit.

[Ari Shafir]

In storage, ship it to London to a dock in London.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shafir]

Put it all, Ship it, and then we'll, like, as slow as possible. And then we'll get it. We'll get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Slow train.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Do a rowboat to London.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's awesome.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And then when he. When I get there, it'll be like, try out a few neighborhoods with Airbnbs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Huh.

[Ari Shafir]

Until it's like, all right, this one or this one? Let's look for places.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So it might take another two months. And then it's like, all right, let's get the stuff out of storage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice. And so you're gonna do. You're gonna podcast at all on the trip?

[Ari Shafir]

If I meet. I mean, it's a travel podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So if. I assume I'll meet at hostels and stuff. Some travelers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mm.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll meet, like, your son.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, if I met that type of guy, your son, at a hostel in fucking Guatemala and he told me about some crazy thing he just did in Panama, I might be like, you want to talk about that? Let's go out to the woods tomorrow. Just record.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Put a couple clamps up on branches and just get it done. Yeah. I'll do some of those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You just have a tiny bit of equipment with.

[Ari Shafir]

So small. So I have this just with A little plugin just this big. Yeah, but I want it even smaller.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You could just put the thing on the H6. The multi directional, maybe not. The sound on that is good.

[Ari Shafir]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. The sound on that is almost as good as microphones.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Yeah, maybe that. As long as it's not like birds chirping and like stuff going off. These are so good. Cuz it's like a siren can pass by.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know. Well, also then I guess you can shoot with iPhones instead of cameras.

[Ari Shafir]

IPhones will be the cameras. Yeah, that's like this much for three of them, right? I have one two others. The clamps, maybe those little road things, I don't know. Anyway, I work on it, but that's great. Yeah, it'll be fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And if anyone comes to visit, which invites are open to everybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What countries are you going to be in?

[Ari Shafir]

Start in Mexico, we'll just work our way down. I want to be on Equator for the equinox and then work our way down to the solstice. Yeah, Everywhere, right. Some will be like, let's just pass through. I'm not, you know, Depends how safe some of them are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, my son can give you some tips. He just did six months in Mexico and Guatemala. Oh, so he'll have some town.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, 100.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It makes it nice now because that when I meet anybody like from Argentina, some waiters, I'm like, oh, what should I do? And they're like, oh, Buenos Aires is nice. I'm like, no, no, deeper, man. Yeah, where do you go to go hiking? Tell me some cool local restaurants and just pin them in my, in my Google account.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shafir]

So then whenever I'm gonna be close to anywhere, I'm like, I got a wreck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's amazing.

[Ari Shafir]

I got a wreck for a waterfall.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So I'll talk to your son for sure and be like, let's give me some top things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great, great. Yeah. He's got some specific stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

Hell yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, man. Thanks again for coming. Love you, buddy.

[Ari Shafir]

Love you too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Shafir, welcome to. Oh, let me turn off the music. It'd be nice to leave it on, wouldn't it?

[Ari Shafir]

It would be just having nice conversations and background music.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Except doesn't that take you off the algorithm?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it'll crush you. Yeah, you'll get sued for just wanting to enjoy their music.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. It's Ari Shafir.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, before you guys, before you guys tune in, Greg has remote control on his phone. To control music, ambient music in a house. You got a handling. Everything's going well for you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's really like, you know, I've worked hard and I just feel like throw blanket, I throw a blanket. I mean, I'm right near Silicon Valley, it's like a couple hundred miles from here. So like I know some guys and whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you know, I was reading Keith Richards autobiography. Have you read that?

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you read.

[Ari Shafir]

No, not autobiographies anyway.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But he's talking about how they were driving through when they did Let It Bleed. They were driving through France. They lived in France. I think they, they were banned from England for some tax evasion or some shit.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so they had, they found the biggest like Rolls Royce they could find and they were just driving around the countryside and they had a, they had a record player in the back of the, in the back of a Rolls Royce. I mean just think about like that if you could tell them today that you could have just had this thing in your hand and you could access literally, literally almost any music that's ever been recorded.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, Keith Richards, how's your record collection? Yeah, mate, more, more than anything has ever been. It's the greatest. Every whip year in the future is how pity your collection is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. We can isolate the vocals of B.B. king on a track that you like from 1961.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, I have that one. Well, it's already playing on mine. I'm not rifling through stuff, I'm not even taking it out of a jacket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm not flipping it halfway through the album. Like, remember that There was literally, you only listen to four or five songs. They need to get up, walk over, turn it over.

[Ari Shafir]

It's the problem with comedy albums, they're all four sided. If you go an hour, you got to do four sides or three.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right, right. Your first, your first album was two sides, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, probably did 18 minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was it like?

[Ari Shafir]

How come there's only one side on that? That had to be an hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you just release it on vinyl?

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, no. I had my last special, just came out on vinyl a couple months ago. Ago. Yeah, I love them. I bought a bunch of vinyls for the comedy, Comedy Store, whatever, Texas condo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I was like, what do you, what is this? Why do you have comedy albums? Yeah, and they're like, well, you guys are comedians. Don't want to listen to that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got tons. I used to collect them.

[Ari Shafir]

Comedy ones. Comedy ones I'll collect, but I won't listen to them maybe once.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think I've listened to them in 10 years.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's just nice to have.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, it is nice to have.

[Ari Shafir]

And especially the old black comics are just. They're so raunchy and the covers are so raunchy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right, right. Lawanda Page. Is that her name? And it was all. Red Fox would produce all the albums.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, Red Foxes were great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you know, he had a thing where he owned a club. I think it was on like La Cienega. And it was like you came in and you did a set and then he recorded it and then he put it out as an album and then he gave you like 50 bucks and he owned it. And he had a catalog. He had like a hundred different comedians that he did albums for.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He fucked everybody.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah. You'd think they'd be like, no. But there was no idea of deals then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was no comedy albums. They were literally the first comedy albums, you know, I mean when.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks for putting it out for me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's cool. Yeah, exactly. Do you remember the story of Bob Newhart's first album, Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart?

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he was at. He used to go to cocktail parties and it's the same way 2000 year old men came to be like, people would go to cocktail parties in the 1950s and early 60s and they would like, you know, it was like all ad people advertise people and they'd have like their super on and they'd be drinking highballs and then you kind of hold court and you would do routines. It was almost like a comedy club at a cocktail party really. But it was all like bits that.

[Ari Shafir]

People would do like on each other?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no. Just like monologues and so Bob Newhart used to do all of his like one sided phone conversations and you know, Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner would do all these written pieces about the two to each other. Just. No, to the party. The party would be listening. And so there was an executive from, I can't remember what record company was, but he said, hey, we're starting a comedy album division and would you like to do an album and we'll pay you X amount of dollars? And he was like a copywriter for an ad agency at the time. And he's like, he's like, yeah. He goes, that sounds great. And I said, alright, let us know when your next stand up club gig is and we'll come and record it. And he said, well, that'd be great. But I've never done stand up comedy in a club.

[Ari Shafir]

Bob Newhart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So they book him into Las Vegas, into like five nights at this room. First three nights he does stand up for the first time in his life in a club. And the next two nights he records the Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart, which wins the Grammy and becomes the best selling album on his fourth and fifth set ever. Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What are we doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know when I think about my first sets, they were embarrassing.

[Ari Shafir]

Like the idea of the word cringe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that what it is?

[Ari Shafir]

You're just like, right, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If anyone see it, what were your early jokes like? What did you talk about?

[Ari Shafir]

I think early on. Not like right away, but early on I was like, David Taylor says every time he's trying to do an impression of what they think a comedian is. Yeah, the first couple years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

So it was like Lewinsky jokes. Because I thought you were supposed to. Because that's what was on late night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you remember any of them?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I remember have something about a bumper sticker that, like from a. From a candidate that already lost. The big joke was, hey, they're not gonna win. It's a big reveal that I'm fucking. Really sticking it to that guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Bumper sticker. I remember bumper sticker jokes were big.

[Ari Shafir]

Early on, maybe bumper stickers in general.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they were big.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't see any. Barely some hippies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's some in LA right now on P. People on their Teslas are putting bumper stickers that say, I bought this before Elon Musk became an asshole.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a real quandary for these people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

They went all in on showing their environmental consciousness, even though it's negligible with that battery, if it's actually helping or hurting. And they're like, no, no, this makes me a good person. And then I really didn't follow. But I don't know how I became like, Ayatollah could. And then like, he's like this bad guy now. And like. No, and now it's like. But the environment like cancels out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right, right.

[Ari Shafir]

He's like a bad dresser.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's very hard to be an environmentalist. And my, you know, my wife's dad was a huge environmentalist. He was a professor, but he wrote a lot of books about how capitalism will destroy the environment. Which. It will.

[Ari Shafir]

It will. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And. But he tried to walk the walk and it was like that. It was. Oh, it always turned out to be hypocritical. Like the thing you were trying to do always ended up being just as bad.

[Ari Shafir]

Paul McCartney got one of the first electric cars from India.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shafir]

And they shipped it to him in a helicopter from India. Just that car.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious.

[Ari Shafir]

And offset 20 of those. Yeah. He's like, no, you killed me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Every time they had one of those G4S summits and all these people come flying in on their private jets.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God. It's so funny because also, like, we all look back at it like you guys were telling us you're better than us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You guys are hypocrites and you know it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fuck off. I know. And you weren't. Well, a lot of people wait until they're rich to start taking stands on things. That's why it's like, I really respect the people early on that, you know, if you're gonna be political, hey, that's great. If that's your lane, you want to be the political comic or the actor who speaks out, that's great. But do it when it can cost you your career.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not when you've got so much money that it's just a fun, you know, it's an afterthought.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know how you live in this town.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, because I live in Venice.

[Ari Shafir]

Right. You don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't live in la. I don't like LA at all. I go in for my spots at night and it's pretty rare that I have a studio. We don't usually shoot. We're shooting. Shooting in my living room right now. Very comfortable. Yeah, but it's not my studio.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's just as if this is outside. When I lived in west la, when I started, it was like, okay, this is just the beginning of not. Yeah, showbiz.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, all my neighbors, like tonight last night we went to dinner at a restaurant that we walked to and with neighbors. And then tonight we're going to my son wait, wait tables at this Italian place in Santa Monica. It'll be a five minute drive and got six other neighbors that are meeting us. It's like, what, Give you the hookup? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Worth it. Finally.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was so Jewish. It didn't take long for you, did it?

[Ari Shafir]

I mean. What do you mean? It's right there. How could you not see the hookup?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it's so. I don't really. It's just, you know, we go to the beach all the time. I rode my bike on the beach on Sunday.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's great.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But LA sucks LA just kind of suck.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all that. It's all people, like, showing off kind of who they are, even though they're not that faking it and then showing it off. When Rogan was moving to Austin, he was like, la sucks. I'm like, you just realized.