Ben Bailey - Episode 1076

Summary

Fitzdog Radio - Ben Bailey (Episode 1076) Summary

Release Date: November 13, 2024

Introduction

In Episode 1076 of Fitzdog Radio, host Greg Fitzsimmons welcomes comedian and television host Ben Bailey for an engaging and humorous conversation. The episode delves into Ben's career in comedy, his experiences hosting popular shows, personal anecdotes, and his perspectives on the comedy industry.

1. Political Rants and Election Reflections

Greg begins the episode by addressing listener concerns about the lack of political discussion post-election. He expresses his frustration with the election outcomes, particularly focusing on demographic voting patterns and messaging failures within the Democratic party. Greg shares his personal sentiments, highlighting his support for friends in high places, such as Kyle McGovern, a newly appointed state supreme court justice in New York.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [00:22]: "Will you hear a lot of politics? No, you will not."

2. Experiences in Philadelphia

Ben recounts his trip to Philadelphia following the election, where he performed several shows. He describes the city's vibrant and supportive atmosphere, especially at venues like the Helium Philly. Ben shares amusing incidents, including interactions with radio hosts Preston and Steve, and a memorable experience on a flight home where a passenger created tension by refusing to move his seat.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [04:15]: "Philly, you know, Dan Mike Gibbon shits on Philly. I fucking love it."

3. Upcoming Tour and Comedy Specials

Ben promotes his latest comedy special, "Please Tell Me What I Did," available on his YouTube channel. He discusses his ongoing efforts to build his audience, aiming for half a million views by the end of the year. Additionally, Ben outlines his upcoming tour dates across various cities, encouraging listeners to attend his live performances.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [92:26]: "Please tell me what I did. It's all about my struggle with memory loss."

4. Stand-Up Comedy and Joke Development

The conversation shifts to the art of joke writing. Ben delves into his fascination with "joke jokes"—meta-jokes about the construction and evolution of jokes themselves. He emphasizes the importance of originality and the challenges of avoiding clichéd material. Greg adds his thoughts on how artificial intelligence struggles to replicate the nuanced creativity inherent in human joke creation.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [45:28]: "It's like the etymology of these things."

5. Personal Anecdotes and Business Attempts

Ben shares humorous stories from his early attempts at entrepreneurship, including ventures like pool cleaning and house painting. These ventures often ended in chaos, complete with mishaps and lawsuits, illustrating the unpredictable nature of starting a business.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [67:13]: "We had 17 employees living on our house, right?"

6. Golf and Social Experiences

Both Greg and Ben discuss their experiences with golf, highlighting the competitive nature of the sport and its intersection with their comedic lives. Ben narrates encounters with overly competitive friends, leading to tense and humorous situations on the golf course.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [38:xx]: "It's like, a guy that's abusive in golf, ruining the game."

7. Interactions with Other Comedians and Industry Insights

Ben reminisces about meeting renowned comedians like Rich Hall and Frank Sanarelli. These interactions provided him with valuable insights into the comedic craft and the industry's inner workings. He reflects on how these experiences have shaped his approach to comedy.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [89:09]: "It's like meeting Ali and making him take a picture like that."

8. Reflections on Comedy Career

The discussion evolves into Ben's reflections on his comedy journey, touching upon the struggles of originality and the temptation to reuse existing material. He acknowledges the importance of developing unique content and the internal battles comedians face in striving for authenticity.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [86:xx]: "I knew I was just doing whatever I could to get laughs."

9. Audience Engagement and Future Endeavors

As the episode nears its end, Ben encourages listeners to check out his YouTube channel and watch his new special. He expresses gratitude for the support and shares his excitement for future projects, including potential new comedy specials and continued live performances.

Notable Quote:

Ben Bailey [92:46]: "Like it? Share it, please. Dude. Thanks, man. This is awesome."

Conclusion

Episode 1076 of Fitzdog Radio offers a comprehensive look into Ben Bailey's life as a comedian and television host. From his early business ventures to his current success in stand-up comedy, Ben provides listeners with an authentic and entertaining glimpse into the highs and lows of the comedy industry. Greg Fitzsimmons adeptly navigates the conversation, ensuring a blend of humor, insight, and heartfelt moments, making this episode a must-listen for fans of both hosts.

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Ben Bailey]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Ben Bailey]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Ben Bailey]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Ben Bailey]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See site for details. Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio, the post election edition. Will you hear a lot of politics? No, you will not. Uh, and I, I've gotten from listeners who write in and go, how dare you not speak out right now. Is that why you listen? Is that why you've tuned in over the years to Fitz Dog Radio to hear my pithy political insights? I hope not. I don't know enough about it. I know that my friend Kyle McGovern is now a state supreme court justice in New York. Congratulations and shout out. I mentioned him last week. He won. Uh, I got friends and I got friend in high places friend, period. And God knows I'm going to start speeding on the Hutchinson River Parkway and the Major Deegan. Fuck em. I know, I know Judge McGovern now. I'm very happy for him. I'm very proud of him. He's a dear friend and a good man. Otherwise, I don't know. I was, I went to Philly the day after the election. I did shows there all weekend and you know, I told him, I said, look, Philly, Pennsylvania is a swing state and you guys didn't really, you didn't swing. They, they didn't swing at all. They just dangled like a flacid, like a flacid penis. They just dangled. And I've just watched the Democrats this week point fingers, lot of blaming. How could we lose against this guy? Well, because we didn't have a message. You know, there, there was a failure to meth. There was, there was a failure to understand that there's no Latino vote. Period. It's not a vote. It is millions of people. Many of them have been here for generations and they own businesses. And, and then you got people that showed up on Tuesday and guess, guess what? The older Latinos want no new fucking Latinos. Did we not figure that out? Did we not figure that out when the Irish did it in the, in the late 19th century, when the Italians did it in the early 20th century, when the Jews, German Jews got here and then they later kept out the non Jewish Jews they didn't want the Russian Jews. That's America. We get here and fucking slam the door behind us. And we did. Women didn't vote. They didn't. Is that what Democrats are saying? Half the country didn't vote. No, women voted, but they didn't vote as one. It was not one paintbrush or brushstroke, whatever the phrase is. There's older women, young women are pro choice for the most part. And then older women, you know, little more conservative, not as pro choice. I think once, once you hit menopause, little less concerned about that choice. Little more concerned about wanting grandkids. They're pro grandkids. That, that's why they vote that way. They don't want their fucking daughters getting rid of the baby. They want that goddamn cute little baby with the little fuzz on his head. It's got that baby smell. That's what they want. Not a sad ride to a clinic and back again. They'll take care of the goddamn thing. They're bored. They thought, they thought retirement would be filled with pickleball and Viagra sex. But no, it's just sitting around watching the news, complaining about doctor's appointments. Um, yeah, Pennsylvania's pro choice, but I told him it's last call, last call. Get them in, get knocked up, get rid of it. Be a part of history. Know that you, you see, spoke up, you legged up, you ankled up. This whole idea of making people have their babies when they don't want them is so weird. You know, it's like people that most parents suck. Even I suck. I, I'm considered a good parent by everybody that knows me. I don't think I am. I think I sucked. I think most parents think that. And most parents do suck. And now take two people that categorically do not want to be involved, do not want the gig. You're forcing them to go to a job they fucking hate. And guess how that, guess how, guess how the underlings, the children are going to turn out in that job situation. Not so hot. Forcing them. It's like I was trying to think of a metaphor of like, it's like if you are anti gun and then semi auto weapons, semiautomatic weapons are legalized. They don't force the anti gun people to walk around with an AK with an AK 47 for nine months. Where's your gun? Pick up your gun. Love, love your gun. Anyway, other stuff was in Philly. I had a great time in Philly. I hung out with the boys. My BU boys were there. Johnny Sorelli, Dan Brickner, the great Pete Scott, went out to a nice restaurant, and Dan's wife, of course, who I love, and then another guy, who is Pete's nephew, who's a good dude. Anyway, we had fun. Philly, you know, Dan. Mike Gibbon shits on Philly. I fucking love it. I love the people. They're loud, they're boisterous, they're caring. They're very. I don't know, they're very supportive. I. They're some of the best crowds in the country. I think it's the. The Hilarities in Philly is my Hilarities. No, the Helium in Philly is my second favorite club in the country. I'll just leave it at that. You guys get it? Went on Preston and Steve, which is my favorite radio show in the country. And they. They hooked me up to an IV because they knew I had flown in the day before, and I was exhausted because I had to get up so early. So they brought in three nurses and they administered an IV and they gave me B12, a bunch of different B vitamins. Got me all jacked up. We had a blast. They brought in a whole platter. They know that I like lox, so they brought in bagels and lox on a platter from, like, the best place in Philly. They're the best. So much fun. What else? And then on the flight home, I almost got into an incident with a guy. I got on the plane, and I walk over, and there's a guy sitting in my row, and I ask him to move so I can sit down at the. I have the window seat. Coach. Yeah, I'm flying coach. And so the guy gets up, I sit down. I have. I'm just getting my buckle on, and I've got my. My seat. My backpack in the middle seat. And the guy is standing in the aisle, and he's wearing a mask, and he's eyeballing me, like, staring right in a mine, not saying anything, not moving his head, just fucking staring me. I go, what do I go? What are you looking at? And then he. And then he goes, your bag is in my seat. I said, well, I said, don't stand there fucking eyeballing me. I go, tell me that my bag's in your seat. And so he says something else, and I move the bag and he sits down. It's a little awkward, and he's. You know, the. I was expecting there to be some tussling over the armrest, but there was none of that. That was fine. But there Was a bad energy and any of that thick Philly. I like people from Philly. Don't like your accent at all. Could live without that. So then about an hour in, I said, I. Not an hour in. No, it was a six hour flight. It was probably about three hours in four hours. And I said, I got to go to the bathroom. And the guy had his laptop open. And he goes. He goes, no, I'm working on something right now. And I said, what? I said, you're not gonna get up? He goes, I'm not getting up right now. And I said, I need to go to the bathroom. And so he said something else. And then I just hit the call button. I was like, I could punch this guy in the face. And I realized why fights happen on planes. Because normally if you have a conflict with another human being, they're four, five, six feet away from you. But when you're an inch from somebody and they're being a fucking douche, you want to punch them so bad. Like, I had to physically restrain myself. All I was thinking about was taking my left elbow and crushing his jaw. And instead I hit the call button. And the flight attendant came over and I said, excuse me, this gentleman will not get up. I need to use the restroom. And then he got up, he muttered something, and I went, oh. And I forgot to mention on the flight, the all, I was fucking stuck. I hadn't had breakfast. It was the only food available on American Airlines was a cheese box. So I eat a cheese box about an hour before. It had cheddar, it had provolone, all like four different kinds of cheese. And I don't even like cheese because I'm lactose intolerant. But I eat it anyway. I was like, fuck it. So I go to the bathroom and I come back, he gets up, and when I'm walking to sit down, as I pass his seat, I fucking rip a fart, like, deep from my belly. A lactose intolerant fart. Cheesy with undertones of sulfur. And I just let it hang there. And then I just sat down. I buckled up, I put my head down, I went right to sleep. It was amazing. Yeah. So I'm back, back in la, coming off. Oh, by the way, if you've seen the special, it's called you know me. If you have not seen it, I would love for you to watch my new special. I'm very proud of it. I think it turned out great. The feedback has been insanely good and I'd love for you to see it if you haven't seen it. If you have, go, turn it on. Give it a click. Anyway, we're trying to keep building the numbers. We're at like 435,000 views, trying to get to half a million by the end of the year. So give it a click. Let it run while you're doing the dishes or taking a nap, whatever. It's on YouTube. It's easy. Also, if you're in Eugene, Oregon, I will be there on November 13th, which I guess will be tonight when you listen to this. Tacoma, Washington, at the Tacoma Comedy Club, November 14 through 16. Tempe Improv, November 22 through the 24th. San Francisco Punchline, December 5th through 7th. The next week, I'm in Cleveland. And then starting in January, Janesville, Wisconsin. Nyack, New York. Raleigh, North Carolina. Milwaukee. Vegas. Fontana, California. Atlanta, Ontario. Toronto, Pittsburgh, Tampa, La Jolla. Go to fitzdog.com, get yourself some tickets. See some live comedy before it sells out, for the love of God. My guest, who I spoke to just a few days ago, is an old, dear friend from New York who achieved stardom as the host of Cash Cab on. I don't know what channel that was, but I think, was it true tv? I don't know. Whatever it was, it was huge. And he also hosted who's Still Standing on NBC. He won a bunch of Daytime Emmy awards. He's done some acting on 30 Rock, Blue Bloods, did stand up on Carson Daly, Craig Ferguson, Leno. He's done it all. He's a funny dude. We had a really great hang. Please enjoy, Mr. Ben. Bailey. Ben, Bailey. Ben. Ben. I gotta be late, Bailey, because I gotta go do Bert's. Bert's podcast first.

[Ben Bailey]

Sorry, man. I apologize.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look, I don't.

[Ben Bailey]

It's Bert. Bert did it to me. Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I get it. I just. Just don't give me that B stuff. Don't bring the B stuff.

[Ben Bailey]

Dude. I told Bert that we were coming here next.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And so he drew things out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He took everything.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Well, he was like, we're going to take our time. I'm going to make you late to go see if it's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you go?

[Ben Bailey]

That's completely lying. I just actually had a great conversation with Bert for a while, man. Well, I haven't talked to him in a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bert is something very special in this world. Like, he is. He's a guy that, like, puts out a whole. People go like, oh, his Persona is wild. It's not a Persona.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, it's Bert. It's just Bert.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. And he's Always been that way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Right from his heart all the time, you know, And I always love that about him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

We've been friends for 25 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Since he came to New York.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, because so many comics trying to crack the code with how to get famous and big, and it's like, there's really not a code. It's like you're either somebody that 15,000 people want to see in an arena, or you're somebody who's like, you know, not. And not to say you're not funny. Like, we were talking about Dan Natterman before. Like, Dan Natterman is one of the funniest people I've ever met. Yeah, but he's not playing arenas.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. Well, neither am I. Are you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do, but I'm opening for Bert when I do it.

[Ben Bailey]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you know what? Not that fun.

[Ben Bailey]

Not that fun playing arena we talked about. I was like, it's that. The thought of that is kind of terrifying to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's kind of like.

[Ben Bailey]

I love where I'm at right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what's the biggest venue you've ever.

[Ben Bailey]

The biggest crowd I've ever had was 10,000, and that was at a college, long time ago when cash cow was kind of at its peak.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you mean you had 10,000 to see you?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get out of here.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Really? Yeah. And it was like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm sorry.

[Ben Bailey]

No, no, that's fine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

10,000 is a lot.

[Ben Bailey]

A lot of people have that reaction.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How much did you get paid for the gig?

[Ben Bailey]

A good amount. Yeah, good amount.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

10,000.

[Ben Bailey]

But that was literally one time it was in, like, a. An arena on a college campus. Yeah, it was a college show. So it was like. Cost them like, nothing or five bucks or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

That's great. And it was terrifying to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

It ended up fine. But, like. And. And I didn't have to sell tickets for that. That's the part that's scary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I was saying earlier, like, if I have a theater that holds a thousand people, I'm like, yeah, I gotta sell. I gotta, like, you know, do everything I can to try to put asses in these seats.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, you're here.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, but so 20,000 or whatever, like, it's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's really scary night after night. And that's not one. That's like, Orlando Wednesday, Tampa Thursday.

[Ben Bailey]

He was burnt with saying they did. He and a couple guys did, like, the same one for four nights in a row in the same town.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No kidding.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm just like, that is scary to me and the lack of the intimacy of a show that I really enjoy now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, I love to be in a place that's 400 seats. That's tight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And everybody's right there with you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You know, I feel like. And I don't know, I don't have enough experience with it, but, like, part of that's going to be lost in a huge venue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, yeah, I always. Like the analogy I always make is like, it's like being on a cruise ship versus being on a jet ski, you know, like, when you're on that in that arena, it's gonna move. It's got inertia. It's moving. You're up there, you're a part of it, but you don't feel like you're driving it. You're just on it.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

As opposed to, like, a very different feeling.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Small club, you can pick and move. You can do a little crowd work. You can take a drink, you can around, you know, try some new. Come back.

[Ben Bailey]

That's where I feel like I would run into, like, a little bit of a. Like, oh, fuck. Is. Because, like, if I'm. If I'm doing a show and I don't feel like I'm really connecting with them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Then I'll go into the crowd a little.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I don't often that often have to do it, but if I need to, I can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Ben Bailey]

Not if you're on a stage in an arena. You can't talk to the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, look at this guy with his. Like. I was like, we can't see that guy, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

We can't see you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. What do you do for a living? Oh, really? Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Just total silence.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We don't know either.

[Ben Bailey]

No crowd work, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just crowd work. To me, here's what crowds work is. It's the whipped cream on top of the cheesecake, and you share a dessert, and then one asshole comes in and scoops up the whole dollop of whipped cream. That's what a crowd work comic is. Like, we all want to have a little bit of whipped cream with our bite.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. You want to. If you need it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Ben Bailey]

You want to have it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Ben Bailey]

Because others. How else do you pull them in if they're just, like, zoned, which sometimes they are. You can't. You can't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. And. And if you ate all the whipped cream now, I can't get.

[Ben Bailey]

There's no whipped cream.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, I'm going to try to eat.

[Ben Bailey]

Some of the whipped cream that you ate already.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

And that's got to hope they got.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A little on the tip of their nose.

[Ben Bailey]

Give me that. Come here. I think we took that as far as we could.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, not as far as you took your fucking windbreaker bit on your new special. Jesus Christ. Half the special. Just a warning. Ben's got a great new special app you should watch. But if you don't like windbreakers, fast Forward to about 22 minutes.

[Ben Bailey]

Or if you do like them. If you do like them. That's so funny, man. Because that bit to this day, if I go to the seller st is like. You know what bit I'd really like of yours? The windbreaker. Do you still do the windbreaker? And it just like evolved into this. I mean, that's kind of my thing anyway, is I try to ring every last bit I can. And that bit, I actually. It's an old bit. I recorded it on my Comedy Central presents like a long time ago, which got like hacked. They edited. Edited it to bits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they did a horrible.

[Ben Bailey]

Messed up all the timing and no one can watch that anymore. It's like buried in their archives. I can't play share it because they own the recording, not the material. Right. So I'm like, I'm gonna. I'm put some of my old bits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm gonna put some of my old bits on new specials to get them out there. So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Yeah, yeah. And also with Sirius xm, if people. People don't realize this real inside baseball stuff, but like, if you put your material on SiriusXM, you get paid as a producer and you get paid as a performer. Unless Comedy Central recorded that set and then they get the producer end of it. And you. So you only get half of your money.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But if you could put it out and re record it. It's what. What Taylor Swift did with her catalog.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

With maybe one of her albums or was it a catalog?

[Ben Bailey]

I don't know. I have no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She basically got screwed by this guy.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh. And so she just re recorded like he owned the recordings and wasn't she. She didn't get any of the money from that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I mean, that's a classic record company. Record industry screw over.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right. So she just redid it and she got. She got all the money.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, I gotta get some of my stuff on series. I don't think I have anything on there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you serious?

[Ben Bailey]

Yes, I am serious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's crazy. Also, because the real money on Serious is if you're clean and a lot of your stuff isn't. Isn't dirty.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. I don't swear too much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ben Bailey]

Do you swear on this?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Okay. I like to say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I don't say Jesus Christ.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, I say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like. I say Jesus Christ.

[Ben Bailey]

Yes, you just. You did say that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't say the F word.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, I'm sorry. I. I misunderstood. I thought grownups.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was a move that you just did.

[Ben Bailey]

I like to say it. I remember Rip Torn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, Rip Torn really knew how to say. Yeah, right on Larry Sanders. I'm like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I relish that.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Like you. Like there's something that you get out of that word that doesn't come from any other word.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Ben Bailey]

And I like to do. I don't do it all the time, but I like. It's the only thing we have over the children.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I reconstitute. I remember swearing at my daughter once. It was actually Halloween.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was about 10, and her and her friends, we all went to this area of Venice called the Canals. You've been to the Canals in Venice Beach?

[Ben Bailey]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a grid of actual canals like Venice. It's so funny. People don't know about this more.

[Ben Bailey]

I've been to Venice. I spent some time there, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. There's all these, like, incredible houses. A lot of architects buy houses there, and they redo them, and they're literally on a canal, and there's a grid of, like, three. Three by three square blocks.

[Ben Bailey]

And you live in Venice, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. And so we go to this house, as a friend of hers has a house on a canal. And so we're like, all right, Halloween night on the canals. Like, you just walk down the. You know, along the canals. You go to each house and they're all decorated. So we go there, and she and.

[Ben Bailey]

Her friends go out those houses and those that never had been in movies and stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, lots.

[Ben Bailey]

Okay, I know exactly what you're talking about then. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so they go out for 20 minutes, and they come back like, we're bored. Meanwhile, the mom had made, like, an eight course, you know, fun meal for Halloween for everybody. And chocolate parents are there. There's a chocolate fountain. There's a stripper. And so they. We're bored. And we got. Well, deal with it. Go, go. We're all right. We're gonna go back out. So they go back out again. Maybe there were 12, because they were old enough that we let them out on their own.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so then all of a sudden, we get a call from our friend Nancy in Santa Monica, which is, you know, 15, 20 minutes away.

[Ben Bailey]

That's a ways away. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And she goes, your daughter and her friends are in front of Bob's Market. And there's no. Did you know that? And we're like, no. We thought they were outside trick or treating. They had gone outside. One of them. Somehow there was like five of them. One of them had an Uber account and they called an Uber and they went to see their other friends in Santa Monica. And I was so pissed, I went probably 11, 11 years old. And first of all, I'm pissed at the Uber driver who picks up five 11 year old girls on, you know.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, not me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I scrape.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm not touching that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not even in Cash camp.

[Ben Bailey]

If I pulled up in the cash camp, I'd be like, I don't know. Do we have questions for these? For this age bracket? And how far are you going, ladies?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was there ever any nudity on Cash Cap?

[Ben Bailey]

No, just me. I had. I took my shirt off once.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You did?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, it was before Bert was doing it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay.

[Ben Bailey]

It was a Top Gun question. I don't know if you remember how much you've seen, but like, we would do what we call the postscript at the end of a game that people would get out and they would come back to me and I'd say, like a little wrap up thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

And we, like, we started getting carried away with those. Yeah, A lot of them didn't make a day or one of them, I was wearing a Wookiee suit. A lot of times we had like stuff going on outside in the background and they were really fun and we were all like, creative people who wanted to make movies and stuff. So we, like, we overdid it with those. But one of them, we had a Top Gun question that they got thrown out on. So when they cut to me, I was like shirtless and I had on glasses and I was all sweaty.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great. I love it.

[Ben Bailey]

Because I don't know if you've seen Top Gun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Anytime in recent years, but, like, it's very sweatiest. Everyone is just naked and sweaty in that whole thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

So I think that's the only nudity in the Cash Cab one one. Girls, like, was like falling out of her tube top, which I think is probably the YouTube cash cab clip that has the most views.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, of course.

[Ben Bailey]

But she never actually does.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, because then there was this show on HBO which was Tax Cab Confessions.

[Ben Bailey]

That was actually before Cash Cab.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no.

[Ben Bailey]

I think so. Yeah. I think it was. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ben Bailey]

And yeah, that was because it definitely was. Because we had people get in and go, oh, is this. You know. And start telling me stuff. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, that's not. That's a different show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They. That show went deep.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

People talked about some of the darkest things I've ever heard.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they would have sex in the back of the cab and.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, that was wild.

[Ben Bailey]

We had the same guys, did our hidden cameras.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, These kind of kooky. I'll call them kooky kind of guys. Street Visions is the name of the company. I liked all of them. They're a little. They're in their own kind of little realm, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. They also did To Catch a Predator. They set up. They did all the cameras for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You could have combined all three shows.

[Ben Bailey]

Taxi Cab. Taxi. Cash Cab, Catch a Predator.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Did you ever get pulled. Pulled over by people that didn't want a taxi? But they were hit that. They were Nazis.

[Ben Bailey]

I don't think they were just standing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the side of the road like this.

[Ben Bailey]

John Lovitz was driving. We were talking about. I don't know who I was talking about that with. Rat Race, that whole. You remember that movie, Rat Race? It's a really kind of underrated movie. It's like the old, like, Cannonball Run. Before that it was Gumball Rally.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Before all of them was the Dom DeLuise. Yeah, yeah. But way before those was. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

So, like, the. We're. We're talking about those the other night, and somehow, you know, we went through the. The whole iterations of it, and Rat Race was, like, the most recent one. It wasn't a huge hit, but Jon Lovitz has a part that's hilarious in it. They go to, like, a Nazi museum and he ends up in the. He's dressed like. Like Hitler, I guess. Basically, you're a Nazi officer. He's driving this old car and he's waving to people. It's really funny, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great. I remember I was coming down on mushrooms once, and I turned. And I turned that TV on just to relax, and that movie came on and I was like, this is the greatest movie ever seen in my life. It was a perfect match.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, there's some really funny stuff. Yeah, like the guy. Like John Cleese's part where he's running the. The people that are betting on it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And they're already in the hotel. Like, that shit just cracks Me up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You know what else is a great one? Funny thing happened on the way to the Forum. You ever see that?

[Ben Bailey]

I have not seen that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That. That had zero mustel in it.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it was right.

[Ben Bailey]

From producers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

From the producers.

[Ben Bailey]

He's hilarious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah, He's. He's a genius. But there's a lot of. And Sid Caesar was in it, and Buster Keaton was. Oh, no way.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, I'm gonna have to watch that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It's really good. Take mushrooms first.

[Ben Bailey]

Mushrooms first.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you take mushrooms?

[Ben Bailey]

I never did. I did once in college.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's it.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ben Bailey]

It was fun. It was kind of crazy, but I never did it again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You smoke pot?

[Ben Bailey]

I do, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, why?

[Ben Bailey]

You want to. You want to smoke up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can you imagine if we did that before the show? I don't know how it would be on an interview on pot. I think I might be. Maybe for 420 this year, I'll do an episode where I smoke pot with somebody.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Have Doug Benson on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, but that's been done. I think I got to get somebody every show that he does. Not a big pothead. It's got to be somebody who's, like, a little neurotic, like Andy Kindler.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, there you go. Yeah, that'd be good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

State. State of the industry. With Andy Kindler. High. With High. Andy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. By the way, speaking of your producers on Cash Cap, they did a series. I was. I hosted a series with Lion.

[Ben Bailey]

Lion tv.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, nice. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it was.

[Ben Bailey]

I love those guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was called Pumped, and it was. People would pull up to a gas station and hidden cameras, and then they would start to fill their tank. And as soon as they started, I would ask them trivia questions for as long as it took to fill their tank.

[Ben Bailey]

And you're just standing outside the car or you're.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, we, like. I think we did two seasons. It was on. It was on Fuel tv. You ever heard of that?

[Ben Bailey]

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so, like, after Cash Cab kind of hit, right? Then there was, like, where else could we do. What other crazy location could we do a game show? I did it at a gas station. I had people pitching me all kinds of ideas. Like a public bathroom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You got to answer questions to get toilet paper. Cash can. An elevator. A guy actually pitched me a show that I thought was a pretty good idea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like that.

[Ben Bailey]

It was called Rise to the Prize.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good.

[Ben Bailey]

And you answer questions. You got to get to the floor. You can, like, you know, stop on different floors and get off and do stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

There was like, this, like, rage. Like, where can we do a game show now?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I had this pitch for a dating show called Love in the Elevator, where you. You meet, you. You get. You start in the lobby and then you. If you. Goes, well, then. Then you keep going up. The key is to get to the penthouse with one other person.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. Well, that's similar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They can kick you out on any given floor. So you're. It's like an ella. It's like a lobby or like a bank of, like, six elevators and you've got, like, 20 people all trying to get to the. To the top. I didn't figure out the details.

[Ben Bailey]

Right, right. That's similar, except you're winning money instead of, like, having a successful date.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, once you have the money, though.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Date's easy.

[Ben Bailey]

Rise to the prize.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I thought it was a pretty good idea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Never happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Have you ever pitched a show and sold it?

[Ben Bailey]

Nope.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ben Bailey]

No, I've pitched a few.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

A couple of them. I've pitched more than a few, and some of them end up getting made without me. You know, you watch. I'm like, watching.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I had this show idea that I really loved where it was. It was called what would really Happen. And you take a famous scene from, like, an action movie, and then I would reenact it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But in reality, you know, so like, Indiana Jones just gets flattened by the boulder or, you know, like. Like all the amazing stunt things that, like, action heroes pull off. They. They would get killed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

So. And then someone made it for. Very similar idea for, like, Spike TV or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you would go, like, into the desert and have a. Yeah, we'd like.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Like. So the idea was, like, this is early on when all the big studios were getting into producing their own stuff, leading up to streaming and all that. So, yeah, it was like they would have access. We could use all their. All the movies that they own.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

If it was Paramount or MGM or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And then we could reshoot, you know, was inspired by this. I can't remember what the movie was. It was a movie where Colin Farrell was playing a guy. He's like, it's an Old west movie and he's on a train.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And he just. There's a scene where he just, like. It's like eight guys against him in a train car. And, like, he would be dead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Six times over. And then I was like, you know what? That'd Be fun to make that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, show the actual scene. And here's the first time he would die in reality.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right, right.

[Ben Bailey]

As soon as he walks in the door, they all just fucking shoot him. You know, like somebody made something similar. I still like the idea. It'd be fun to make.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I think that's. It's expensive, but it's big. But they want big now these days if they're going to. They don't make a lot, but what they make. Want it big and expensive, you know.

[Ben Bailey]

And I've, you know, I tried to never hinder my. Sounds haughty of me. Creative process. Like, I want to write what's. What comes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Ben Bailey]

In what I'm inspired to write. And we'll figure the rest of it out later.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like a guy that I was going to write some stuff with, he goes. He goes. As soon as I started into my first idea, he's like, oh, that's ridiculous. How could we afford to make that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm like, this isn't going to work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Ben Bailey]

Because you're just, like, chopping off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm trying desperately to find this road. And you're like, you can't go down there. I'm like, no, I found the road. I want to write it to the end, whether we could ever make it or not. Like, it's not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Think about, like, Survivor. You know how expensive and insane that pitch must have been.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. Or the Amazing Race.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Like, right, right.

[Ben Bailey]

Wait, what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Get the fuck out of here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But I mean, how many seasons of those two shows. Crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So let me ask you some questions. We always do. I always try to do some of the same questions for comedians because I'm interested that, like, the different takes on them.

[Ben Bailey]

Okay, cool. Yeah. But I'll try to do my best to answer them honestly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Yeah. So who's your best Asian friend?

[Ben Bailey]

My best Asian friend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, who's the Asian person you're closest to or. Or have known the best in your life?

[Ben Bailey]

Wow, that is really interesting. Did anyone ever just go, I don't know any Asian people?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the point of the question.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, I do know some Asian people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did. I'm sorry, man. It's not interactive.

[Ben Bailey]

I thought of cs. I'm friends with a guy named CS Lee, who's an actor. He lives here in la.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

He's. I don't know if he's my closest Asian friend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

I've been friends with Steve Byrne for a long time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Steve Byrne is good. A lot of People bring up Steve.

[Ben Bailey]

Kind of friends with Bobby Lee.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He, Steve Byrne and Bobby Lee are the two. Go to Asian friends. Everybody pulls up, but I don't know how close anybody really is. Bobby Lee I love very much, but I don't feel.

[Ben Bailey]

He climbs on me. Every time I see him, he jumps, like jumps on my back. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, I mean, most of my friends are, other than like the people I grew up with are going to be comedians at this point. You know, people I worked with on something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

There's a guy named Stan Su who worked on Cash Cap Time. He's a writer and an ep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And now he's like one of the execs at lion tv. He's a great guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ben Bailey]

I feel like I'm leaving someone out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What about what's her name?

[Ben Bailey]

Oh yeah. Do you have someone in mind?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never mind.

[Ben Bailey]

You just trying to help me find it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no, no, it's whatever. I, I don't know. It's an interesting question. I mean, who's your closest gay friend?

[Ben Bailey]

I'd have to say Steve Byrne or Bobby Lee.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He is jumping on you. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

My closest gay friend. Geez. I don't know, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting. You have a very certain type of.

[Ben Bailey]

Friend I hang out with when I'm not working. I hang out with like the dudes that I grew up with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. In New Jersey.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Because I live back to where I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Used to live, so I have like.

[Ben Bailey]

My buddies that were my buddies all the way through.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. And none of them are gay?

[Ben Bailey]

No. I guess a couple of those guys are gay, but like, didn't know back then and they don't pop into my head. But a couple of those guys are pretty close, good friends. I don't want to say their name. They're like, they're not in the business.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Ben Bailey]

But again, I feel like there's someone that I'm. That I'm leaving out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Maybe it's the same guy. Stan Su from. He's like, wait, what? You thought I was gay all these years?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Have you ever joined any clubs in your life?

[Ben Bailey]

I came to the conclusion that I'm not a join a club kind of guy. Most certain point, I almost joined a couple of different. I joined a golf club, a country club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You did?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, there you go.

[Ben Bailey]

Back where in Jersey, where I live, it's a nine hole, super chill, laid back, like, everyone's like, it's a blue collar. People call it a beer club with a golf problem because when you sign up, there's always a Keg or two, you can go and drink and, like, it's way laid back. The country club thing was never kind of my thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I remember going to play at a buddy's country club, and some guy's, like, yelling at me for putting my golf shoes on in the parking lot. And I'm like, this is not for me, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, I didn't put my shoes on wherever, like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

Why are you so worried about that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know. I'm going to Philly this weekend, and my friend. I'm. My friend from college is one of my dear friends invited me to play golf at a country club. And. And now I'm like, texting him today, like, I gotta bring shoes.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, do I need a college? Like your shirt in college.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, there's a lot of that.

[Ben Bailey]

That stuff doesn't bother me like, it did when I, you know, in that first story when I was like, 20 and I was like, what the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Told me where to put my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right.

[Ben Bailey]

Now I get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, if. If Rich Voss can play on country clubs, anybody could figure it out.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You ever golf with him?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, many times.

[Ben Bailey]

I stopped golfing with him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You did?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because of the gambling?

[Ben Bailey]

No, just because. All right, It's. It's kind of funny. Like, so you've golfed with him. You know how angry he gets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, he literally bites his own arm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. He.

[Ben Bailey]

And leaves tooth marks. Teeth marks in his arm?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

By the end of a run, he's got bite imprints all the way up his arm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Out of your mind. Like, what's wrong with you? And I was like, we played for a while. We played a lot of golf together.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And he's a ball buster, as you know, and he's competitive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I have a lot of funny, passive aggressive, competitive.

[Ben Bailey]

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. I have a lot of funny stories about golfing with Voss.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And when. And when you lose money to him, he asks you at the end, are we paying? Yeah, we're paying.

[Ben Bailey]

I would never bet. I would never bet with him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Ben Bailey]

I stopped betting because it ruined. It was ruining the game.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, I have a. I have a weird approach to golf. I love golf.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But I don't, like. Like, I just want to do as well as I can do, and I don't care how well you do or how well you don't. And I want to enjoy the day. It's. It's five hours.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, I don't want to be out here Angry or stressed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

It just defeats the whole point. Like, I want to enjoy it right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got a friend, Dennis Gubbins, who I talk about quite a bit on the podcast. He's red headed Irishman who is just. He's. He's a child. He's a man child, you know?

[Ben Bailey]

And worse than Voss.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So much worse. Throws clubs, Voss clubs. Yells about like, if you get, will you give me this putt? And the putts like this far. You're like, no. And then he'll talk about it for three hol. Well, you didn't give me that pot. And that's like, dude, I'm trying to. Like you said, I'm trying to relax.

[Ben Bailey]

A day off. Yeah. It's a time commitment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Ben Bailey]

That's supposed to be about me relaxing and enjoying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Right.

[Ben Bailey]

So, okay, so a couple of lost things. One day we're both in the bunker. In a bunker. And he hits first and it rolls about, I don't know, six feet past the cup.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And onto the apron. And he goes, ah, he's furious. I can't hit anything today. And I go, dude, this is the practice green. We haven't even started golfing yet. Calm down, you know, like, what? What are you doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

So one day we get paired up with. We're playing a public course. We get paired up with two. Two guys are older guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And at the end of the day, the old guys pull me aside and they go, you shouldn't play with that guy. And I go, what do you mean? They're like, he's ruining golf for you. He gets angry. It makes you angry, you know, this whole thing. And I was like. I thought about it for a second and I was like, oh, my God, they're absolutely right. And then Voss comes out of the bathroom or wherever and I go, dude, I'm never playing golf with you again. And he goes, what? What do you mean? I go, these guys just told me. And they're so right. You're ruining this fucking game for me. I go, I'm never playing with you again. And he goes, one of my favorite things he ever said. He goes, come on, I'll be good. And I was like, no, you won't. You can't. You won't be good. You can't be good. Come on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll be good.

[Ben Bailey]

Every couple of years, he calls me. He's like, you want to play?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. No, I like that you stick to your guns. Because with Dennis, I walked by the third Hole.

[Ben Bailey]

I'd be like, God damn it. How do. How do I do this again?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you just paid a hundred dollars in greens fees, right? No. I will walk off the course with Dennis and I'll say, I'm not playing with you anymore. And then six months later, I'm out on the third hole, and he's yelling about a putt, and I'm going, like, I said I wouldn't do this. And I did. What am I doing?

[Ben Bailey]

You're, like, sleeping with your ex boyfriend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my boy.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, you know what? Well, it seems like girls do that more often.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. Oh, I thought you meant I'm sleeping with.

[Ben Bailey]

No, no, it's like, you know. Yeah, it's like a woman that keeps going back to. Or I guess a guy could do it too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

But it seems more often the other way around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The girls stop doing that.

[Ben Bailey]

The dude is bad for you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right.

[Ben Bailey]

Stop going back to him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Voss is the abusive boyfriend.

[Ben Bailey]

Yes. Totally. And he knows it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. He knows it. And how the Bonnie and I look. Obviously, Rich is going to listen to this podcast because somebody's going to tell him, and he gets so little press that he'll have to listen to it just to hear his name. And then you think about Bonnie. Who is this, you know, seems like a strong woman with boundaries and how she can possibly be married to this guy for long. There's another side to Rich Voss we're not seeing.

[Ben Bailey]

I think you're probably right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. A sweet side.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a sweet side. And he's able to sit on some of his base impulses that he doesn't sit on around us. I think the golf course is his safe place.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To let all that out, do whatever. Right.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

It's not to say I never get frustrated by the game now, because, I mean, anyone that plays it gets frustrated by it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, we play in these tournaments sometimes that are like charity tournaments where.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, I've done a bunch out here. We've done something. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We've done some together. And they'll get a foursome of guys. And those. These guys are paying, like, 10 grand for their foursome, and they raise money for charity, and then they'll add one comedian to each foursome, and we'll play as the fifth player. And so. Which is tough because now you feel like, I gotta be. I don't want to be funny on the golf course.

[Ben Bailey]

No, I want to golf.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I want to golf.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, if it gets funny, great. But I'm not there to entertain four guys From Merrill Lynch.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, exactly.

[Ben Bailey]

I 100% agree with you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you go out and 98% of the time, it's a great experience because people are there for the right reason. And, you know, I think people are a little more evolved than maybe they were before in terms of what they expect from a comedian.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. They're more aware of it a little.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That we have a dark side and we don't want to be funny all the time.

[Ben Bailey]

Tortured souls.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But then the. But then the payoff is that we'll have the lunch or the dinner, whatever they have, and then they'll have a joke telling contest afterwards. And each comic. So if there's. If there's 18 groups, then there's 18 comedians. Not always comedians, but, like, maybe some will be actors. Like, Joe Montana plays a lot of these. And athletes. Athletes. What's his name is always playing in it.

[Ben Bailey]

Actors. Vinnie Jones plays in those a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Vinnie Jones. Joe Pesci sometimes plays.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so then you get to go up and each comic tells one joke after dinner, and they have a contest and they pick a winner. And you have won. I know. At least once. I think you won twice.

[Ben Bailey]

I think. I think I've won a. I won three in a row.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Three in a row. Okay.

[Ben Bailey]

And then I ran the joke telling contest the year after that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Smart. Smart.

[Ben Bailey]

Because you have to see, like, you have to understand that I love joke jokes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Ben Bailey]

Like, I. I've loved them since I was a kid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And. And they're so interesting to me because, like, who wrote those?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Where do they come from?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

They've evolved. You know, you can find, like, you know, they branch out. So this person. It's the same joke, but they've heard it a little differently, you know, and that's just so interesting to me. It's like the etymology of these things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it gets better and better as it's cold. It gets, you know, sanded down and it gets defined like a bit.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Right.

[Ben Bailey]

But with different people. Well, it evolves, like, in a really unique way. It's pretty cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And that's the one thing AI can't do, is write a joke.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh. Have you, like, tried to get it to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of people have. I mean, it can. It can give you a premise.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That might be okay, but it's never sharp.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, that's worth something if. Then you can take it from there, I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess so. And I'm sure there's a lot of young comics coming up that Are using AI.

[Ben Bailey]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To generate.

[Ben Bailey]

Using it for everything else.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Using it for their PR and their marketing and their social media and. And their editing of their videos and so why not use it to create jokes?

[Ben Bailey]

I gotta get in on that, I think because I do everything myself and it's too much to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You do?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I thought you.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, no, I have.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have Beth. I have Beth Hoops.

[Ben Bailey]

Yes, we do. Who's awesome?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's great.

[Ben Bailey]

She's gonna listen to this and be like, what do you mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You prove it yourself. I know. That's why I saved you. That's why I saved you.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm thinking about editing the special. But yeah, she actually set this up. She advances my dates and she cuts and captions all my shit for social media.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you do it all yourself?

[Ben Bailey]

I do everything myself, Greg. Everything except for what? Beth and her team. Chris Denman and Jonathan. There's a whole fucking. It's all me, man. There's nobody doing this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's amazing what you can do at your age. It's almost like you're like a team. It almost feels like a team working.

[Ben Bailey]

But. So the joke jokes thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I've always loved them. And so when I first got invited to one of those, I didn't know there was going to be a joke telling contest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And if I had known, I would have been so nervous. I would have been more nervous about that than meeting like these big Hollywood stars who are often at those things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Because it just means a lot to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

So the first one I ever did, I came in second, I think, and I was like, yeah. And I spent the next year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's ridiculous.

[Ben Bailey]

Going through joke jokes and choosing which one. Like, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna be right here again next year. What fucking joke?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you can win a head cover or a bag.

[Ben Bailey]

I don't care about the prize. You know, it's all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so then it came in the next year. Do you remember, was it the monkey joke? Was that the one that you told the gorilla. The gorilla.

[Ben Bailey]

The gorilla extractor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was, to me, your. Your coup de grace. That was. I think that's your apex of your career. That's the first one that fucking joke destroys. Is it somewhere people can see you tell it?

[Ben Bailey]

I don't think so, because I was going to make a documentary about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Because like, I've studied them and I. And I. And I wanted. The goal was to like study them and then write the greatest one of all time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But Someone kind of already did that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, there was the Aristocrats.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, the Aristocrats to me, and forgive me, Paul prevents. I think it was his thing. I was like, if, if you're going to make a movie where everybody's telling the same joke, get a better joke. Get a better fucking joke. Pick a, like a really great joke, the gorilla joke. Or like there's a handful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Death by booga booga. Yeah, like there's some of the, like, you know, I mean, it was great. It was really cool and, and innovative and all that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But I'm like, I want to hear a. A different joke than that one. Yeah, but so. No, not that, but it never. I don't think it ever got made or made its way out there. But a guy, I think his name was Ron Shock. Yeah, Ron Shock was a comic from Florida, naturally, who studied the joke jokes and tried to write the best one ever. And I think he did it. And so I was just kind of dead in my tracks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, it's the, it's the lion chasing the rabbit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, tell it.

[Ben Bailey]

Lion chasing a rabbit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Rabbit runs through a hollowed out old log. Lion tries to go in after him. He gets his head stuck. He can't get out. So now his ass is sticking up in the air. A gorilla comes along, climbs up on top of him and fucks him in the ass for 15 solid minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

He finishes up, he climbs off and he's like, man, this lion's gonna be pissed whenever he gets out of there. So he takes off into the woods, comes to a clearing, there's a house. And he walks up to the porch, he sees there's a cigar and an ashtray, a pair of sunglasses, a robe, some slippers and a newspaper. So he puts on the robe and slippers and sunglasses and lights the cigar and starts reading the paper. A few minutes later, the lion comes running up and he goes, I'm looking for a big black gorilla. And the gorilla goes, is it the gorilla that just fucked you in the ass for 15 minutes? And the lion says, it's already in the paper.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's the perfect joke.

[Ben Bailey]

It's so good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So good. Because it's always an animal getting fucked in the ass in the woods. It's like its own genre of jokes, you know, there's the hunter that goes into the woods. Oh, yeah, right. And he, and he, he shoots at a bear and misses. And the bear runs over, knocks the gun out of the guy's hand and fucks him up the ass. And so the guy's like holding his ass. He crawls out of the woods, and he comes back the next day, and this time he's got on camo and he's walking quieter. Takes a shot at the bear, misses bear runs over, knocks him down, pulls his pants down, fucks him up the ass. The guy is now bleeding down his legs. He's pulling himself out of the woods, comes back the next day. This time he's got the wide brim camouflage hat. He's got the special shoes, combat shoes. And he. And he gets up, and she's trying to find the bear. He's looking in the woods, and then the bear taps him on the shoulder. And the guy looks over and the bear goes, this isn't about hunting, is it?

[Ben Bailey]

Okay, That's a perfect example. That's a fucking great joke. And I don't know what you put in or what you didn't, but, like, his escalating levels of camouflage and gear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just made that up.

[Ben Bailey]

You just did that now. Okay. Okay. Well, that's the beauty of it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Because that's a great addition.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, because once you know the joke, you can be adding shit in, tweaking it. Because especially since you and I are used to going up and if we're in the city, we're doing 15 minutes. If we're on the road, we're doing an hour.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now you're doing one to two minutes.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you want to. You want to beef up the joke with as much as you can get into it.

[Ben Bailey]

Bring them in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Wait, can you tell the gorilla joke?

[Ben Bailey]

The gorilla joke. Okay, so guy comes home from work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

He goes upstairs, he's changing out of his work clothes, and he hears a noise outside the window. He's on the second floor. He's like, what? What could that be? Yeah. He's like. He keeps getting dressed, and he hears it again. And he goes over and he pulls up the blind, and there's a gorilla in the tree right outside his window. And he's like, holy shit, there's a gorilla in my tree. He runs to the phone book, he flips to the GS, and he finds gorilla extraction. Calls a number. Calls a number.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not even animal extraction.

[Ben Bailey]

Gorilla.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Specifically gorilla.

[Ben Bailey]

Gorilla extraction. Which is. I shouldn't do this in the middle of the joke. But that's one of my favorite things about these jokes, is what everyone is willing to accept when you start telling one. Everyone goes, okay, yeah, yeah. You know, there's two nuns and a rabbi and a priest and A giraffe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are on a boat?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Okay, then what? I just fucking love that. So he flips to the GS, he finds gorilla extraction. He calls a number. The guy says, what seems to be the problem? He says, I got a gorilla in my tree. The guy says, give me the address. I'll be right over. All right. A few minutes later, he opens the door, or doorbell, knock at the door, opens the door. The guy's standing there and he's got. I gotta remember everything that he's got. He's got a 2x4, a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs, and a Mexican hairless Chihuahua. And again he goes, all right, where's the gorilla? And the guy says, whoa, whoa. First you got to tell me what all this stuff is for. What are you going to do? He says, well, I'm going to climb up in the tree with the gorilla. He goes, I'm going to hit him as hard as I can with the two by four. When he falls down on the ground, by natural instinct, the Mexican hairless Chihuahua will run over and bite him on the balls. Because when he puts his hands down to grab the Chihuahua, you slap the handcuffs on him and we got him. And the guy says, okay, but what's the shotgun for? He goes, if I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you have to shoot the do. Which I just love that joke for so many reasons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, here's what I love about it. All right? Here's one reason why you might love that joke. This guy goes to work every day. He's a gorilla extractor. So he's got his equipment, he's got the board, he's got the handcuffs, and he's got this cute little hairless Chihuahua. And in a millisecond, he is ready to have that thing's brains blown all over the place. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

So it doesn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right, right, right. That's the choice he's making.

[Ben Bailey]

It's just so far removed from reality.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's sort of like.

[Ben Bailey]

But in that realm, you go, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, it's a cartoon.

[Ben Bailey]

What's the line? What's the line? Yeah. Like, I don't care. Whatever the setup is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Ben Bailey]

And that, to me, is the brilliance of those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's why we all love the Roadrunner. You know, he'd come up with some crazy ACME invention that was going to catch the Roadrunner.

[Ben Bailey]

Right? That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it never worked.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, you're right. It's cartoon. Cartoon land.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. All right, here's the next question.

[Ben Bailey]

Okay. More Questions?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, look, man, you wanted to come on a fucking podcast.

[Ben Bailey]

It's all about no judgment, man. I'm just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, some comics, they bring you on, and they. They sit barefoot in their goddamn living room with no shirt on. That's not how I do it.

[Ben Bailey]

And talking about. Anyone specific there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. No. Marin, if you were going to be trans.

[Ben Bailey]

If I was going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you were going to be trans, say you were a trans person. Would you prefer to have been born a man and currently a woman or born a woman and currently a man?

[Ben Bailey]

I feel like if you were a woman first, you might always wonder what it was like to have a penis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

So I would say maybe that. Yeah, maybe that way. But I. You know, I can't say, because a man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, although men do wonder about tucking the penis between them.

[Ben Bailey]

What do you mean? Like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like hiding the. Hiding the lotion in the basket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of thing. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

It puts the lotion on the chin or it gets the hose again. I don't know, man. That's. Who writes your questions? Are these your questions?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We got a whole staff.

[Ben Bailey]

These are tricky.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the greatest comedy performance you've ever had in your life?

[Ben Bailey]

My own. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One you look back on and you just go, like, man, that was the night where we were on stage going like, I'm floating on air. This is it. And then, you know, getting off and being like, that was the greatest.

[Ben Bailey]

I've had a lot of. A lot of shows at the. At the Old Cellar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Still there. The McDougal street one where I've. I had, like, a tr. I've had transcendent moments, like. And I've had them in. I've had that kind of moment in a few other things that I do have done a lot. Like, someday, once in a great, great while, I'll have a day where I'm playing golf, and it's just. Everything is working.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And it's like. It's so rare, but it's like, what? What? Something's just different. That.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I've had. I play hockey, and I've had moments where I'm playing hockey and I'm like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You'Re not even thinking.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm splitting the D and scoring a goal, and it's not. It's like. It's happening.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

I've had. I've had a handful, maybe more than a handful of moments like that on different stages.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But the fir. When you asked me that question, the first night that came to mind for me was Patrice O'Neill's roast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where was it at the Cellar?

[Ben Bailey]

It was at the Old Boston.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ben Bailey]

And nobody's on the line. Nobody saw me coming. That whole crew. The whole everybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And, like, I'm not even on the promos for it, but they asked me if I would do it, and I was. Immediately started writing and. And then the night of the roast, they kept pushing me back, and every time they pushed me back, I would have. I would drink another beer, and I was getting angrier, but they kept pushing me back, and so I just went up and unloaded on the entire comedy business.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Ben Bailey]

And it was. It was great. It was like a. If Colin Quinn were here, he'd be like. He still brings it up every time I see him. He'd be like, I remember the night you made your bones in this business, Ben Bailey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Because it was kind of like that, because everybody was there, and I. And when you took them by surprise and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And if you're doing well on a roast, it's like, once you nail, like, your second or third joke, they're all in. Now you've got. Unlike stand up, where you're still living, you still have to joke a little bit.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But once you get them in your attic. Because jokes, roasts are attitude. And if you can go up there with attitude and they buy it, you could say whatever the you want and it all comes to you, then I.

[Ben Bailey]

Was genuinely angry by then because it kept bumping me, pushing me back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

And then I only did a couple. I think I did Norton's roast, Caroline's, like, maybe a year later or something like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And I didn't do any more. But that night stands out as a night that I was kind of walking on air and feeling like, okay, I kind of showed this New York comedy scene what I can do. And, yeah, you know, it was cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And what about. Has there ever been a. A set you didn't finish where you. You got off stage and you didn't finish the set.

[Ben Bailey]

Out of the gate? I would say, no. I don't think I've ever done that. But there. There is one time also at the old Boston Comedy Club where there was no bouncer, you know, like. Yeah, it was like, if you're hosting, you're basically managing the club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like on a Wednesday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, you're working on the sidewalk.

[Ben Bailey]

You gotta open the club. You gotta. Like, you're basically running the club in the show. And so it was one of those nights I wasn't actually hosting, but there was no one in the club but me that actually was, like, representative of the club. There was like 15 people in the audience. No other comics, no management. The MC was out. It was probably Lewis Schaefer outside trying to bring people in. So I was alone in the. In the room, so to speak, other than the audience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And this British woman started, like, berating me from the crowd. You're not funny. You shouldn't do this. No, no. I'm sorry, but this is not what you should do. You should find something else. And I go, do you think you could do any better?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And she goes, I do. And I go, well, come on up then, lady. And she walked up on the stage and I fucking left. I did not wait around to see how she did. I left and went to the Cellar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the greatest.

[Ben Bailey]

That might be the only one I ever just walked out on. And I remember. I can't remember who it was. Somebody came. I saw them like, hours later at the end of the night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And they were like, dude, what? You just left that woman on the stage?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

What happened? I'm like, I don't know. I left.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She had to stretch.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Lewis is in the back going like this. Jay Moore's not here yet.

[Ben Bailey]

She was up there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's great.

[Ben Bailey]

Feeling it. I'm like. She felt what I was feeling. That was my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

What I wanted to do to her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was a dude you ever heard of Frank Sanarelli?

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great comic. He was on the Sopranos, and he was the bartender on the Sopranos that Tony used to beat up all the time.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so he was. He was booked to do a bachelor party out in Worcester, Mass. About an hour west of Boston.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dilapidated Worcester Post industrial factory town. Everybody's out of work there.

[Ben Bailey]

Holy cross. Yeah. It's the only thing keeping that town going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Clark College and Holy.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, Clark. Yeah. I did show a Clark too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And so he gets booked on a bachelor party and he shows up.

[Ben Bailey]

And that alone is slightly terrifying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. There's two strippers and he's going on in between the two strippers. What could go wrong? What could go wrong?

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so the first stripper goes up and I mean, she's working ping pong balls and she's grabbing guys crotches and.

[Ben Bailey]

She'S a real pro.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's a pro. She's down and dirty. She's a.

[Ben Bailey]

Working the ping pong balls.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Like shooting them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shooting the ping pong balls. I mean, she had to go right back to the docks. You know, there's no docs in Worcester. They had to take. They had to find docks to bring her back to. And so she finishes, and then they bring the guy up. They bring up Frank Sanarelli, and, I mean, he is dying a horrible death. And now it becomes funny to these guys to just shit on him, you know, and they say, because, you know, it's a dozen buddies.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so they're shitting on him. There's no sound system. You stand up there, and he goes, you guys like props? And they're like, yeah, us like props. And he goes, oh. He goes, okay. And his car is right up front. He goes, my car is right there. I got my props in the trunk. Let me run out and grab my props, and I'll be right back. Me. He gets cut to his car. He gives the finger, and he gets in. He just drives. No check, no money. Just get me the out of here.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, that's fantastic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I heard the other girl closed strong, though.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, she finished.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She finished.

[Ben Bailey]

She did his closer. That's awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

That reminds me of a. Unrelated but funny story. A friend of mine hired some guys to, like, he had a. He bought a house, and the floor was dirt in the basement.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And he hired some guys to come in and put an actual concrete floor in the basement. And he had to go to work, and he came back after one day, and it was a fucking mess. Like, part of the floor was kind of done. There was, like, chunks of concrete that were, like, setting but not smooth. And, like, it was a fucking mess. And the guys were gone. Right. So the next day, he's waiting for them to come back. They don't come back. Day after that, they don't come back. Finally, he calls him, gets him on the phone and says, what's the deal? You guys got to come back and finish the floor. What the. And the guy said, okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We're coming back today. So he comes. The guys come back and he lets him in, and they're like, we're really sorry. We're really sorry, man. We're gonna make it right. And their tools are still in the basement sitting there. And he goes, okay, okay. Thank God. I thought you guys are gonna leave me high and dry. No, no, no, no, no. And he goes. And he gets in the shower, and he can see from his window. He could see how they go in the basement and they get their tools and they run to their fit and they just take off. He's just in the shower watching him drive away down the driveway. He swore up and down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, dude. We had. Me and my brother had a business. My brother's 13 months older than me. We're Irish twins.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. I think I'm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You met Bobby, I think.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you guys look quite a bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's a very good looking version of me. I should have a better looking version, but a good looking version of me.

[Ben Bailey]

You got. I think I met him at a party at D.C. benny's party.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's good friends with D.C. a lot of years ago. Yeah. Right. So anyway, he and I go out to Newport, Rhode island one summer.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you know, it's one of those things where it's like, I'm in college, he's in college, and we're just going to go out there and we're going to work some shitty jobs. And then the summer.

[Ben Bailey]

Not comedy, just like working.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I wasn't in comedy.

[Ben Bailey]

There's a lot of money in that town.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah. But the summer before we had been in the Hamptons and we. This kid lived across the street and he had this business where he had a bunch of kids working for him and he would get all kinds of jobs and he would send these kids out on the jobs and he was.

[Ben Bailey]

Like just doing stuff for rich people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he didn't do shit. So we said, we're doing that next summer. So me and my brother get. We head out and we got my. We got a 76 Volare station wagon, the slant six. And we drive up there and we got shirts and ties and we go into every real estate office in Newport with our shirts and we're fucking. You were cute. We're college kids. You look alike, we look alike.

[Ben Bailey]

We got fucking Bobsy twins.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We got the Bob. Yeah. We got pitter patter. We're like the Sklar brothers. And so we sell them all. We got, we got, you know, three color flyers and business cards and we really prepped over the winter to do this. And we go in and we sell them and so we're back at the. And there's no cell phones back then. We got an. We got an answering machine and a phone and I. And we got a desk we set up in the house. We got 17 kids living in a converted horse barn in Newport. So it's chaos. There's kids everywhere, there's drinking everywhere. And we've got the basement that had skunks in it and a phone and a desk. And the phone is ringing off the Hook. Because, you know, in Newport, you go to wealthy places like that, there's no poor people to hire because they can't afford to live there. So if you will do. We said, we will do landscaping. We will do pool cleaning, we'll do housekeeping. We'll drive you to Boston, to the airport. Do it all.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we got 17 employees living on our house, right? So we say to them, we'll pay you guys 10 bucks an hour. We're charging 15 bucks an hour. Right, Right. Great plan. And all of a sudden, the phone's ringing off the. Look, we got a landscaping job at. These two gay guys, owned a bed and breakfast. And they had this hedge that ran around an acre of property. And it was about a 15 foot hedge. We got a hedge clipper that's about this long with five extension cords, indoor extension cords. And I got my friend Chris out there on a step stool, you know, teetering every time. By the time he would finish the end, it had already grown over in the beginning again. It was a week. It was like Sisyphus. It was like the myth of sissy. Just kept working, working on the. And then. And then we had a pool. And my friend, My other friend Tommy was supposed to open up the pool, which. I don't know if you know anything about pool maintenance, but you got to shock it. You got to clean the filters. There's a lot of stuff to get it up and running at the beginning.

[Ben Bailey]

Depending on how well they did when they closed the pool. Pool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They did.

[Ben Bailey]

They left the water a lot to do. So I actually had a pool. Pool cleaning company.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you did it really?

[Ben Bailey]

15.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We could have used you that summer.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, I was. I didn't know much then either. I was a mess. Now I know. So we get my pool and I do it myself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We get hired on Memorial Day, and every. Every few days, my brother goes by and it's just mold and it's slime and. And it goes. By the fourth of July, it's still not open. And now the guy, Mr. Shindleman, starts su. No, Dr. Shindleman started suing us. And he sued us all summer. And we kept, like, dodging out of paperwork. And then I had sealed. And it got to the point where none of our friends were working for us anymore because they were all fucking drunks and they didn't care. You know, they. They got waitering jobs or whatever. They're like, well, you guys give us hardly any hours and there's shit jobs, right? So now all of a sudden, me and my brother are getting in the Volare and we're going out to do the job. I'm cleaning toilets. It's not the summer I pictured. Right. And. And then this woman hired us to seal her driveway. So I don't know if you. About sealing a driveway, but you, you know, you.

[Ben Bailey]

That I haven't done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's You. You put a layer over the asphalt. It seals the asphalt. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You got a few more years out of it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Before you have to redo it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Because it keeps. You seal the cracks. So I go off to the hardware store and I get this big tub of sealant and I put it all on, I mop it all. I got a. I got a broom and I'm pushing it around and looks good. And the lady pays me. And then. And then it rains the next day and all of the sealant came. Right. I put the wrong sealant on and it ran into this Japanese garden and it killed like $10,000 worth of, like, expensive plants. And so she sued us. And so by the end of the summer, by late August, we had so many lawsuits and so many people we owed money to that we just. We packed up the lawnmower and the hedge clipper into the back of the car, middle of the night, just fucking got out of Newport. And we called ourselves sure Thing Home Services.

[Ben Bailey]

S H O R E. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You get marketing. You get marketing.

[Ben Bailey]

Funny man. Because I started a pool cleaning business when I was like, 15 and I only got one customer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But I would, like, open their pool for them and close it for them. They're my neighbors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ben Bailey]

And then I could. They would let me swim in the pool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Ben Bailey]

So it was awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ben Bailey]

I did that for a couple of years with them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You got to shock it.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Well, it depends. If you close it. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Then the water's going to be clean still when you open it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You know, because you got to. You put some stuff in it. You make sure there's no organic material in the water. If there is and there's any amount of sunlight getting through, it's going to be a disaster in the spring. But if your cover is impervious and you don't leave any leaves or anything in it, then it'll. It'll be a piece of cake. Basically. Open it and turn on the. The filter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's it.

[Ben Bailey]

And put, you know, put some chlorine in and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You know, check it. It's pretty simple. If you do it right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

When you're closing, if you don't It's a. Yeah, it's an absolute nightmare.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. My. My brother in law, my sister's husband, they have. They have a next door neighbor who has a pool and he empties it at the end of the summer.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then at the beginning of the new year, my. My brother in law is kind of. He's a construction guy. But everything is done. Stuff falls off the back of the truck. Like you bring stuff home that fell off the back of a truck.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And like, I didn't know that expression was still out. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

In. In the world there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I got a set of speakers that way in like the mid-80s.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. Fell off the back. Yeah, yeah. And so what he would do is in the middle of the night, he would go out to. Because the water bill to fill a pool is absorbing it.

[Ben Bailey]

You got to get a truck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he.

[Ben Bailey]

Get a truck to come in, fill the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Sometimes, you know, it'll take two trucks, depending on how big your pool is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he goes out in the middle of the night and he hooks up a hose to the fire hydrant and he fills the pool in the middle of the night.

[Ben Bailey]

Wow. Yeah, that's balls, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. But they live on a quiet street, right. Which happens to be not that far from the fire hydrant.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Probably nobody notice, I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, unless their brother in law talks about on a podcast.

[Ben Bailey]

But this was years. This was years ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a long time ago, actually. Yeah. The guy moved. He doesn't know the next door neighbors now. So they. They used. But it was the same deal. They got to use the pool all summer if. If Rob took care of the pool.

[Ben Bailey]

Not if you open it and keep it going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Right.

[Ben Bailey]

I was always starting some kind of business.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

My friends are always making fun of me. I started a house painting business.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You did?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you hire your friends?

[Ben Bailey]

Called A one A one house painting. Because it would be first in the phone book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

First in the phone book.

[Ben Bailey]

And I actually got a. I got a job. This guy said I have two other quotes. And I go, oh, what were those? Because I had no fucking idea how much to tell him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And I just put my number in between them and he hired me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ben Bailey]

And then like a week later I went back and I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to do this at all. I can't. You should call one of the other guys. I never paid it. Although if you are the company, I put it in the phone Book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's hilarious.

[Ben Bailey]

I made flyers and handed them out. I got a job, and then I just didn't do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He should have said, by the way, if you know news. Looking for a salesman. I think I am good at that.

[Ben Bailey]

I think that's what I can do. Yeah, Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I started.

[Ben Bailey]

You know, I would have frowned on that. I don't want to be a salesman, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We were entrepreneurs. When it snowed out in the winter, we were up. Every other kid was sleigh riding. We were fucking going door to door.

[Ben Bailey]

I was shoveling the good, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

20 bucks a driveway.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For the big ones, $10 for the small driveways. And then. And then in the fall, we would rake leaves for people.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And we would charge by the bag.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, that's smart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's very smart because we would just.

[Ben Bailey]

Like a lunch bag.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We just fill that. We put about 8 handfuls of leaves into a bag and close it up. And so we did this guy Mr. Schaefer's lawn one day, and we fill it all up, and there's a big pile of bags. 25 cents a bag we were getting. So we had about 20 bags. And then the wind kicked up and the bags just started rolling down. Hadn't even counted them yet.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. But then very little amount of leaves each. That's hilarious. I went on this trip one time. We. Some friends and I were like, let's. We're gonna go up to Canada to go camping.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And so we drive all the way to this place up in Canada. It takes way longer than we thought, and it's just like a, you know, one disaster after another. This trip, like, it's a. It's a mess. We get there so late that the only camping slot that they have left is right next to the highway. So we drove, like, 12 and a half hours into Canada to camp right next to a road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Ben Bailey]

And so then we're like. We go up to this little house where they're selling stuff, and they're like. It says all the firewood you can carry, $3. So we're like, well, I guess we'll get all. So my friend and I, another pretty big guy, we. We load up. We got. We got a half of their wood in our hands. And the girl goes, no, no, it's all the firewood you can carry in this. She holds up this, like, little, like, strap. We're like, dropped all the wood. Like, fuck, that's hilarious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then you go to the all you can eat place. No, on this Plate. All you can eat on this plate.

[Ben Bailey]

Dude, that. Oh, what's the name of that movie? That's. That gag is in a. In this crazy movie. I think you and I talked about it once. It's like this horror film comedy from the 80s. It's so weird. It's so bizarre.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Science.

[Ben Bailey]

No, no, like a much more obscure one than that. It might be earlier. It might be 70s.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ben Bailey]

The only thing I remember about the movie is that there's a part where six cheerleaders get impaled by a javelin at a track and field event.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sounds familiar.

[Ben Bailey]

And it's. It's a crazy movie, but one of them is like, all you can eat for a dollar. And they bring out this huge plate of food, and the guy takes one bite and they're like, that's all you can eat for a dollar. And they. And they take it back. Oh, what is that movie? That's like one of those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kevin Meaney used to have this joke. He's like, you know, you go to an all you can eat buffet, you're not supposed to eat all you can eat.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. And then. What's his name? John Panette.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You've been here four hours.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You leave now, you don't eat no more.

[Ben Bailey]

That's a hilarious bit. Oh, I wish I could remember the name of that movie. Well, that's super obscure, that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I'll figure it out. The. You know, I just watched Repo man with my kids. I had seen it college. I hadn't seen it since college. Wow, what a movie.

[Ben Bailey]

It's Emilio Estes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Emilio Estes.

[Ben Bailey]

Who else is in that? I haven't seen it since it was, like, on Cable in 1985.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It. It. It's got. Hold on, I'll look it up. Emilio Estevez.

[Ben Bailey]

And Jonathan's mouthing someone's name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's not allowed to talk.

[Ben Bailey]

Repo Man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Repo Man. Yeah. Some of the. I think another Brad Packer was in that. Yeah, but it's a good movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. All right, one more question.

[Ben Bailey]

Have anything to do with that movie?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It seems like it. It feels like a Tarantino movie or almost like it didn't have anything to do with it. No, I don't think so.

[Ben Bailey]

I thought he had something to do with that movie for some reason.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, have you. What have you turned down recently, career wise? Yeah. Like, could be anything. No, it could be personal.

[Ben Bailey]

Okay, what have I turned down since the pandemic?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is. This is a question. Not a lot of People have answers.

[Ben Bailey]

Nothing. I took everything. I mean, I've turned down some stand up gigs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have? Yeah, yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I had an agent who, he was actually pretty smart in one way that he was like, all right, it looks like you go out and do Friday, Saturday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

He goes, I want to bookend your stuff, so I'll book you on Thursday and Sunday. So you fly in on one end and you travel a little bit in between. It was really good, actually. Really smart. But the places that he would book me in in order to fill those, like, he would take any fucking. So I've turned down a couple gigs that looked like those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I just got one. Where?

[Ben Bailey]

Nope, nope.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm working in Pittsburgh. And then my agent's like, hey, I got you something to bookend it. I was like, okay, great. I'm thinking, you know, Erie, Pennsylvania, Toronto. I'm like, huh.

[Ben Bailey]

That'S like really far.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then he emails me yesterday. He's like, hey, I got something to bookend the Toronto G. And it's another one in another part of Canada. I'm like. And then the election happened. I was like, yeah, get me. Yeah, I'll take the fuck out of this. I'll go to right now. I'll go to Hungaria, right?

[Ben Bailey]

You're like, am I flying private? That's an 11 hour drive. You want me to drive 11 hours and then do a stand up show? Are you out of your fucking mind?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I'm taking it. I'm taking it. I mean, you know, you got to get out there. It's like.

[Ben Bailey]

You do. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I go through periods where I just want to work. I want to like, I got a new hour because I just did. I also just did a new hour and so like, thanks, man. So I'm building the new hours. I'm sure you are.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, it's kind of like three quarters of the way through. Yeah, it's. I had the old one for so long. Yeah, same without doing it. So I could like tape another one next week almost.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it feels good to be out doing the new shit, doesn't it?

[Ben Bailey]

To be doing new material that I really like. Yes. There's not a better feeling in comedy than that, I think, until somebody yells.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Out, do the windbreaker.

[Ben Bailey]

That happens. Do you get that? If people want to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Flattering.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you're like, sure.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm like, I don't even remember that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, mine aren't like big epic pieces like yours. Mine are more like more. Not summer stories, but it's more standalone joke.

[Ben Bailey]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're Chunk of format. Yeah, Chunks.

[Ben Bailey]

One boom, boom, boom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

One after the other.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Whereas you're like a great storyteller, a great joker. Talent.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, thank you. I like to do. It's kind of like. Have you ever had. So you do interviews, right? And. And people say to you, like, how would you describe your.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God.

[Ben Bailey]

Stand up. It's the worst question. Like, I'm like, I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm. I'm from the. Seeing it from the inside. I don't know. So, like, what do you. How do you answer that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I always say I'm a guy that, because of what I look like, get away with saying heinous shit.

[Ben Bailey]

That's fantastic answer. I like to say a friend of mine called my stuff surreal. Observational.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And I was like, okay, that's kind of cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Someone else likened it to the Far side, which was a huge, huge compliment to me. Like the comic strip the Far side. Because that was my favorite shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

Ever. That was my go to gift for birthdays and Christmas for 10 years of my life. Everybody got me Far side calendars and books and all, you know, all that stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

Because I loved it. So that was flattering. But I never know how to. Yeah. Gary Larson.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Larson.

[Ben Bailey]

I never know how to classify.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would say, you know, I would say you're like a. You're like a weirder Brian Regan. Like, you have a Brian Regan.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, that's flattering as well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, you know, your presence on stage is kind of like his. Like, you're. You're. You're very much like inviting people to play with your ideas, kind of.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. Oh, that's flattering. Thanks, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I don't mean it because I never know.

[Ben Bailey]

You're like, I hate Regan. He's the worst. If I could remove one person from the history of this fucking business, it would be him and you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I said you're inviting people to play. I didn't say they want to. I didn't say they showed up for the play date.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, I'm sorry that I took it as a compliment, Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's such a comedian thing.

[Ben Bailey]

But it's true, though. And I wouldn't have put those same words to my own description of what I do. But you're right, it's playful. It's like, hey, I've come to this silly. And that way it's kind of like joke jokes that it's like ridiculous sort of realm. Let's all go there together and then we can do whatever the fuck we Want we don't have to play by the rules of this reality or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They just had a contest in England where they tried to find the best joke in the world.

[Ben Bailey]

Did you hear about this? I did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So they took submissions for like five years. And I can't believe the joke voted online. They submitted online. It was all computer generated. And do you want to know what the winning joke and I think I do, but I think it's a good joke. I actually like the joke. It's guy goes to the doctor's office, gets a checkup. Doctor comes in, he goes out to look at the test. He comes in, he goes, it's not good. And the guy goes, well, how bad is it? The doctor goes, it's real bad. And the guy's like, well, how much time do I have left? And the doctor goes, 10. And he goes, years, months. And the doctor goes, 9, 8, 7.

[Ben Bailey]

That's a great joke. That's a great joke. I love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thought I'd be disappointed because it was done by a computer, but. And because it's done by the press.

[Ben Bailey]

Wrote that or chose that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it shows. Well, the people chose it. Like, you know, you log into the website, you upload a joke, and then It's a forum.

[Ben Bailey]

9.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the key to telling that joke is people will get it. If you say, how much time do I have left? And he says, 10. And then you go, what months? He's got to be like, 10, what months? Because if you give them. If you give them that second to put it together, they'll know he's going to say nine, eight, seven.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. Yeah. You don't want to give him a chance. You got to clip it to catch up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right, last question.

[Ben Bailey]

Final. This is the final question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Final question.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm going to go double or nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the hackiest bit you've ever done?

[Ben Bailey]

The hackiest bit I've ever done. Okay. Fierce competition for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe we should start a website for this.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ben Bailey's Hackiest Bit. Well, thousands of people.

[Ben Bailey]

When I started, I was hacky.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But I didn't really understand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you're from Jersey.

[Ben Bailey]

That I was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, because, like. And we're actually talking about this on. On Burt's thing. Like, by the time I was doing stand up comedy. Right. I started when I was 22, I had already been like a funny guy. Getting laughs with my friends and family.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And doing stuff that, that I thought of as my funny stuff that I do. But some of it was actually Stuff I had heard comedians do when I was, like, in middle school, you know. So, I mean, I had a bit about, what number did you dial? Which I thought was this great bit of mine. But then it was like, bill Hicks did that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You know, but I didn't really. You know, if someone call. If you call the wrong number and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They say, oh, what number?

[Ben Bailey]

You're like, well, the phone rang at your house. Right. So, like, I did that for a long time and then kind of figured out, like, oh, that's. Bill Hicks did this. Yeah, I saw him do it when I was 12, and I can't do that, you know? And I did a thing with a Jake Johansson bit about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, so did Ellen for her whole career.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, really? Oh, Jesus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stole his whole Persona.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I loved him when I was. And I've talked to him about this, too, and he was so gracious about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

He was like, dude, forget it. You know, Because I don't like to be. I want to set things right if I can, you know? But I also. This is interesting because I also had my dad telling me, like, no, no, you do whatever. It's your take. You do whatever you want.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You go up how it used to be.

[Ben Bailey]

It's how it used to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And I would argue with him and he would convince me, and I was like. But I. You know, I. If I'm being totally honest, I knew I was just. I was doing whatever I could to get laughs. So it's probably that. What number did you dial?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. That's funny.

[Ben Bailey]

Or it was a nicotine gum bit, I think, of. Of Jake's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, what's that?

[Ben Bailey]

I weaned myself off the gum with. With these things called Camel Lights. It was a great little flip, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But I was kind of deluded about the fact that it was his bit and I was doing it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My first stand up was other people. I was in high school. I was at a high school talent show, and I did a Cosby bit and I did. And then I did my own st. But I. But I closed it out with a Cosby bit about the dentist. It was like, it. These kids have never heard this bit.

[Ben Bailey]

Right. And that. And like, if you're in a situation where maybe you're not. Things aren't going that well or you're nervous or whatever. I would kind of fall back on some stuff that that wasn't my writing but was something that I knew was going to get a laugh because I had gotten laughs with It. Not on a stage necessarily, but many, many times before.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Ben Bailey]

It's funny. I was in. I did the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Did you ever do that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ben Bailey]

It's pretty. Pretty crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a month.

[Ben Bailey]

It's a month.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

One man show every night, an hour. Just you, no host, no nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then you got to promote it all day, right?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah. So it was going well. I was doing well. I was getting a crowd every night. 120, my little room held or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Ben Bailey]

I was getting good reviews. And then I'm walking. I had to climb the mountain to get to my gig. I had to walk like two miles up basically up a mountain. Stairs, some of it, you know. And I'm walking to the. To the gig and I'm. There's a guy walking next to me and I'm like, keep kind of glancing to my side. I look over and I see that it's Rich hall, who I just loved. I thought he was just so hilarious. I still do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And he did that festival every year.

[Ben Bailey]

He was always there. He's just such a great guy. And I said, oh, hey, Rich Hall, I'm Ben Bailey. And he goes, I know. I'm coming to your show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, nice.

[Ben Bailey]

And I was like, I got so nervous that I went back to doing some hacky. And I still, to this day, I'm like, oh, man, if I could go back and just do what was my real stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

But I so was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, you know, we do our worst shows.

[Ben Bailey]

Wanted to impress him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Ben Bailey]

And I just like reverted to some hacky and he just was looking at me like, yeah. Why are you getting noticed here? You know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. No. Anytime David Tell comes into the back of the Comedy Cellar when I'm on, I'm just like. I immediately turn into like, just the worst version of myself.

[Ben Bailey]

Dude. I looked down at Caroline's one weekend and. And Peter Boyle was sitting in the front row and I'm like, holy shit, it's fucking Peter Boyle. I'm gonna make. I have to make this guy laugh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

You know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

I'm just immediately seeing. Putting on the Ritz from Young Frankenstein and same thing. I got nervous. I didn't go hacky, but I just did like a whole bunch of shit jokes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And then I talked to him afterward. He came into the green room and he goes, you're a funny man, Ben, and you know a lot about shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great. And I laughed hysterically. You should have had him sign something that said that.

[Ben Bailey]

Well, dude. So then we talked for A little. Like, eventually it dawned on me that he had come to see me, which is, like, mind blowing at that. Like, what? Okay. And I was so flattered and so pumped by that. And do you know Buddy Fitzpatrick?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, of course.

[Ben Bailey]

So Buddy was opening, and so the two of us were in the green room when he came back, and we sat and talked with him for 15 minutes. He told us all. He was such a great guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

He told us all about shooting Young Frankenstein and how everybody hated him on the set because they all had these long monologues to learn and memorize and really sell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ben Bailey]

And all they ever had to do is go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And we were like, he made the fucking noise.

[Ben Bailey]

We, like. We're like, high five. It was awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's like meeting Ali and making him take a picture like that, right?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, that's. She just does that with everyone. Yeah. But he said a funny thing about. About that one more. I know we gotta wrap up, but Gene Hackman in Young Frankenstein is so good. And a lot of times you say that, and people are like, you mean Gene Wilder? I'm like, no, I mean Gene Hackman plays the blind old man. Which is, like, one of the best scenes in the movie. Hackman didn't get paid. It was supposed to take a half a day. They're like, just come out. We'll shoot in half a day and you'll be done. Took three days to get it. He didn't get paid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's wild.

[Ben Bailey]

And he improvised the. I was going to make espresso at the very. The very last line of it, really. He threw that in himself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And was that before Blazing Saddles or after? Because he had a nice role in Blazing Saddles.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh, I think that's before.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And a high Anxiety was definitely after that.

[Ben Bailey]

Oh. So I got to rewatch some of those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was great.

[Ben Bailey]

You can't find. They're hard to find.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Ben Bailey]

You can't find Young Frankenstein. One night I got on a plane to come out here, and it was like. As soon as we took off, I turned on the little TV in the, you know, Young Frankenstein starting. I was like, oh, yeah. Like, let me get a. I order a beer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And then the pilot starts trying to sell you a credit card. You're like, this is the best part. Shut up.

[Ben Bailey]

God, I can't take that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, listen, if you go to the real Ben Bailey, you can find out how to get tickets to Ben's shows in St. Louis, where Ben. Where Beth Hoops lives.

[Ben Bailey]

That's right. At a Festival.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's part of the Flyover Festival.

[Ben Bailey]

Flyover Fest, Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then he'll be in Pittsburgh. Not Pennsylvania. Pittsburgh, Kansas. Which is, I would imagine, some kind of a bookend on another Wichita, Kansas, Detroit, Michigan, Holland, Michigan. Or is that the same place?

[Ben Bailey]

No, it's. That's the Sunday night bookend at a nice theater in Holland, Michigan. It's out toward Grand Rapids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And again, the real Ben Bailey, one of the best comics working in the country. I always love watching. You're just a heavy hit every time, dude.

[Ben Bailey]

Thank you so much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And don't forget, the special is out now. It's called Please Tell Me what I did. It's.

[Ben Bailey]

Please tell me what I Said.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Please tell Me what I said.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's better. I was thinking what I did doesn't make sense.

[Ben Bailey]

Please tell Me what I did. It's all about my struggle with memory loss. That's on Ben Bailey Comedy is my YouTube channel. That's the only place you can watch it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Ben Bailey]

And it's a freebie, so go check it out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Beautiful.

[Ben Bailey]

Like it? Share it, please. Dude. Thanks, man. This is awesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thanks for having me coming by.

[Ben Bailey]

You bet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Ben Bailey]

Continued good luck and success and good stories.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. I can't wait to see at the next golf tournament.

[Ben Bailey]

Yeah, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna be planning all year for it.

[Ben Bailey]

Dude, I'm all. I already know which joke I'm gonna do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know you're gonna steal my joke about the doctor.

[Ben Bailey]

Ten, nine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Thanks, man.

[Ben Bailey]

Thank you, buddy. New year, same great savings. All in the Fred meyer app.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Ben Bailey]

Fred Meyer today or click the screen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now to download the Fred Meyer app.

[Ben Bailey]

To save big today.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Ben Bailey]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See site for details.