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Greg Fitzsimmons (0:25)
See site for details. Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio, the post election edition. Will you hear a lot of politics? No, you will not. Uh, and I, I've gotten from listeners who write in and go, how dare you not speak out right now. Is that why you listen? Is that why you've tuned in over the years to Fitz Dog Radio to hear my pithy political insights? I hope not. I don't know enough about it. I know that my friend Kyle McGovern is now a state supreme court justice in New York. Congratulations and shout out. I mentioned him last week. He won. Uh, I got friends and I got friend in high places friend, period. And God knows I'm going to start speeding on the Hutchinson River Parkway and the Major Deegan. Fuck em. I know, I know Judge McGovern now. I'm very happy for him. I'm very proud of him. He's a dear friend and a good man. Otherwise, I don't know. I was, I went to Philly the day after the election. I did shows there all weekend and you know, I told him, I said, look, Philly, Pennsylvania is a swing state and you guys didn't really, you didn't swing. They, they didn't swing at all. They just dangled like a flacid, like a flacid penis. They just dangled. And I've just watched the Democrats this week point fingers, lot of blaming. How could we lose against this guy? Well, because we didn't have a message. You know, there, there was a failure to meth. There was, there was a failure to understand that there's no Latino vote. Period. It's not a vote. It is millions of people. Many of them have been here for generations and they own businesses. And, and then you got people that showed up on Tuesday and guess, guess what? The older Latinos want no new fucking Latinos. Did we not figure that out? Did we not figure that out when the Irish did it in the, in the late 19th century, when the Italians did it in the early 20th century, when the Jews, German Jews got here and then they later kept out the non Jewish Jews they didn't want the Russian Jews. That's America. We get here and fucking slam the door behind us. And we did. Women didn't vote. They didn't. Is that what Democrats are saying? Half the country didn't vote. No, women voted, but they didn't vote as one. It was not one paintbrush or brushstroke, whatever the phrase is. There's older women, young women are pro choice for the most part. And then older women, you know, little more conservative, not as pro choice. I think once, once you hit menopause, little less concerned about that choice. Little more concerned about wanting grandkids. They're pro grandkids. That, that's why they vote that way. They don't want their fucking daughters getting rid of the baby. They want that goddamn cute little baby with the little fuzz on his head. It's got that baby smell. That's what they want. Not a sad ride to a clinic and back again. They'll take care of the goddamn thing. They're bored. They thought, they thought retirement would be filled with pickleball and Viagra sex. But no, it's just sitting around watching the news, complaining about doctor's appointments. Um, yeah, Pennsylvania's pro choice, but I told him it's last call, last call. Get them in, get knocked up, get rid of it. Be a part of history. Know that you, you see, spoke up, you legged up, you ankled up. This whole idea of making people have their babies when they don't want them is so weird. You know, it's like people that most parents suck. Even I suck. I, I'm considered a good parent by everybody that knows me. I don't think I am. I think I sucked. I think most parents think that. And most parents do suck. And now take two people that categorically do not want to be involved, do not want the gig. You're forcing them to go to a job they fucking hate. And guess how that, guess how, guess how the underlings, the children are going to turn out in that job situation. Not so hot. Forcing them. It's like I was trying to think of a metaphor of like, it's like if you are anti gun and then semi auto weapons, semiautomatic weapons are legalized. They don't force the anti gun people to walk around with an AK with an AK 47 for nine months. Where's your gun? Pick up your gun. Love, love your gun. Anyway, other stuff was in Philly. I had a great time in Philly. I hung out with the boys. My BU boys were there. Johnny Sorelli, Dan Brickner, the great Pete Scott, went out to a nice restaurant, and Dan's wife, of course, who I love, and then another guy, who is Pete's nephew, who's a good dude. Anyway, we had fun. Philly, you know, Dan. Mike Gibbon shits on Philly. I fucking love it. I love the people. They're loud, they're boisterous, they're caring. They're very. I don't know, they're very supportive. I. They're some of the best crowds in the country. I think it's the. The Hilarities in Philly is my Hilarities. No, the Helium in Philly is my second favorite club in the country. I'll just leave it at that. You guys get it? Went on Preston and Steve, which is my favorite radio show in the country. And they. They hooked me up to an IV because they knew I had flown in the day before, and I was exhausted because I had to get up so early. So they brought in three nurses and they administered an IV and they gave me B12, a bunch of different B vitamins. Got me all jacked up. We had a blast. They brought in a whole platter. They know that I like lox, so they brought in bagels and lox on a platter from, like, the best place in Philly. They're the best. So much fun. What else? And then on the flight home, I almost got into an incident with a guy. I got on the plane, and I walk over, and there's a guy sitting in my row, and I ask him to move so I can sit down at the. I have the window seat. Coach. Yeah, I'm flying coach. And so the guy gets up, I sit down. I have. I'm just getting my buckle on, and I've got my. My seat. My backpack in the middle seat. And the guy is standing in the aisle, and he's wearing a mask, and he's eyeballing me, like, staring right in a mine, not saying anything, not moving his head, just fucking staring me. I go, what do I go? What are you looking at? And then he. And then he goes, your bag is in my seat. I said, well, I said, don't stand there fucking eyeballing me. I go, tell me that my bag's in your seat. And so he says something else, and I move the bag and he sits down. It's a little awkward, and he's. You know, the. I was expecting there to be some tussling over the armrest, but there was none of that. That was fine. But there Was a bad energy and any of that thick Philly. I like people from Philly. Don't like your accent at all. Could live without that. So then about an hour in, I said, I. Not an hour in. No, it was a six hour flight. It was probably about three hours in four hours. And I said, I got to go to the bathroom. And the guy had his laptop open. And he goes. He goes, no, I'm working on something right now. And I said, what? I said, you're not gonna get up? He goes, I'm not getting up right now. And I said, I need to go to the bathroom. And so he said something else. And then I just hit the call button. I was like, I could punch this guy in the face. And I realized why fights happen on planes. Because normally if you have a conflict with another human being, they're four, five, six feet away from you. But when you're an inch from somebody and they're being a fucking douche, you want to punch them so bad. Like, I had to physically restrain myself. All I was thinking about was taking my left elbow and crushing his jaw. And instead I hit the call button. And the flight attendant came over and I said, excuse me, this gentleman will not get up. I need to use the restroom. And then he got up, he muttered something, and I went, oh. And I forgot to mention on the flight, the all, I was fucking stuck. I hadn't had breakfast. It was the only food available on American Airlines was a cheese box. So I eat a cheese box about an hour before. It had cheddar, it had provolone, all like four different kinds of cheese. And I don't even like cheese because I'm lactose intolerant. But I eat it anyway. I was like, fuck it. So I go to the bathroom and I come back, he gets up, and when I'm walking to sit down, as I pass his seat, I fucking rip a fart, like, deep from my belly. A lactose intolerant fart. Cheesy with undertones of sulfur. And I just let it hang there. And then I just sat down. I buckled up, I put my head down, I went right to sleep. It was amazing. Yeah. So I'm back, back in la, coming off. Oh, by the way, if you've seen the special, it's called you know me. If you have not seen it, I would love for you to watch my new special. I'm very proud of it. I think it turned out great. The feedback has been insanely good and I'd love for you to see it if you haven't seen it. If you have, go, turn it on. Give it a click. Anyway, we're trying to keep building the numbers. We're at like 435,000 views, trying to get to half a million by the end of the year. So give it a click. Let it run while you're doing the dishes or taking a nap, whatever. It's on YouTube. It's easy. Also, if you're in Eugene, Oregon, I will be there on November 13th, which I guess will be tonight when you listen to this. Tacoma, Washington, at the Tacoma Comedy Club, November 14 through 16. Tempe Improv, November 22 through the 24th. San Francisco Punchline, December 5th through 7th. The next week, I'm in Cleveland. And then starting in January, Janesville, Wisconsin. Nyack, New York. Raleigh, North Carolina. Milwaukee. Vegas. Fontana, California. Atlanta, Ontario. Toronto, Pittsburgh, Tampa, La Jolla. Go to fitzdog.com, get yourself some tickets. See some live comedy before it sells out, for the love of God. My guest, who I spoke to just a few days ago, is an old, dear friend from New York who achieved stardom as the host of Cash Cab on. I don't know what channel that was, but I think, was it true tv? I don't know. Whatever it was, it was huge. And he also hosted who's Still Standing on NBC. He won a bunch of Daytime Emmy awards. He's done some acting on 30 Rock, Blue Bloods, did stand up on Carson Daly, Craig Ferguson, Leno. He's done it all. He's a funny dude. We had a really great hang. Please enjoy, Mr. Ben. Bailey. Ben, Bailey. Ben. Ben. I gotta be late, Bailey, because I gotta go do Bert's. Bert's podcast first.