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- [00:00]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Foreign.
- [00:09]
Caroline Ray
Hey, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio.
- [00:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's the birthday special.
- [00:14]
Caroline Ray
I had my birthday two days ago in Boston. Turned 59 years old, which I never liked the nines. I always like the ages that start with a zero because it's kind of a fresh start. Nine makes you look back at 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1, and go. Why didn't you get that done? So I'm doing that now. This is gonna be a year where I try to close out on some things. But had a blast was at Laugh Boston, which is one of my favorite clubs in the country. And they brought me a big cake on stage after the show, and the whole crowd sang Happy Birthday, which is awkward. What do you do with your face while they sing that 42nd song?
- [01:04]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But it was very sweet.
- [01:05]
Caroline Ray
They took great care of me. And John Tobin's the best. He took me to. Took me to the Red Sox opening day. And it was amazing just to see all that sea of faces and then the two black faces. Was always good to see them still showing up to a Red Sox game. Just a lot of smiles. You're not used to seeing Boston people not being sarcastic or mean or. But it was just pure joy. They love their Red Sox, and they had the. The 75 team that came. That won the World Series, came out Yastremsky, and I don't know, what am I a Red Sox guy?
- [01:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But it was.
- [01:52]
Caroline Ray
It was kind of moving. And then they do the thing where they. The jets fly overhead and then they bring a veteran out. It's fucking baseball. This is not a military drill.
- [02:04]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What do they. What do they.
- [02:06]
Caroline Ray
What does baseball have to do with the military? It's just the military trying to do a fucking recruitment drive. They know they got a lot of young white guys there that might join the military. And I don't know. And not that I don't respect the. The veterans. I'm actually doing a benefit today for Tunnels to Towers, which is. Helps firemen and veterans who need housing, and it gives them a free down payment on their homes. And so I'm doing a big golf tournament benefit today for them. So it's not that I don't care about the military. Just get it out of sports. Cut the shit. It's. And it's so patriot. You got us. You got to stand up. Everybody looks at. Especially in Boston. Oh, they don't fuck around with that. Brandon and my buddy Pete Scott and Ted Fine and Ted's son was on the grounds crew. He's like one of the guys that Rakes the dirt between innings. Nice to put your kid through college. Spent $400,000. He's got a rake in his hand now. I think. I think it's his side hustle. He's got some other shit going on. Great to see those guys. Ted's the best. And then it's just funny. I'm sitting behind the Green Monster, which, if you know, Fenway is like the left field has this giant wall and I'm sitting behind it and, you know, there's a hibachi guy grilling sausages eight feet from my head, so I had to eat two of those.
- [03:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you got guys.
- [03:33]
Caroline Ray
We were literally the furthest from home plate in the park. And you got guys yelling about balls and strikes. Have another fucking Sam Adams dude. And of course, John Tobin knows everybody in the park. I mean, Fenway Park. I gotta tell you something. It's not like any other park in the country. It is fully intact from whatever, 1940 something. I have no idea when it was built, but it is an old time park. The, you know, there's no electronics. It's all like, like, you know, just. What do you call it? You know, the numbers are all just flat. There's no. There's no lights. Learn how to talk. You do three podcasts. Learn how to say words. God. But it's got. It's not a huge park. It holds about 35,000 people and it's grand. When they sing Sweet Caroline, it's annoying. But then you also get caught up in it because it was the first park to start doing the Sweet Caroline song. And luckily not a single wave the entire game. 35 hits. I think the Sox won like 13 to 10. It was an unbelievably fun game. Just a home run festival. And anyway, so, yes, and I did laugh Boston, which was hectic because I. I had a ton of. I must have had like 40 people on my guest list over the course of the weekend. And laugh. Boston is just a fun club. But I went from, you know, on stage first. I go to the baseball game. That's all day. I get home, I leave the park and I get into the subway, which is called the t, and there's 10,000 people all trying to get into the same subway stop. And they're all screaming, let's go, Red Sox. Like, you already won. You already won. And people just piled on. I got this drunk who had a Dunkin Donuts, and he keeps spilling it on the back of my leg because it's fucking, literally everybody's dick to Ass on the subway. Who brings a hot cup of coffee on a fucking subway at rush hour? So then I rush home. I get to the hotel, I change, I run down to the show. I go on stage. Ten minutes later I get off. I'm out front selling my pins. And then. And then I run up and I have friends. Mary Fitzgerald came to the Friday show. Her whole family, who I love, went out to the pub with them afterwards I had Mike Gibbons, his daughter Olivia, she goes to college in Boston. So she came out with a couple friends, felt filthy. He's got his 18 year old daughter in the crowd with her two 18 year old friends. And up there, I'm up there talking about jerking off and having sex with my wife. I'm like, what the find you sitting right up front. I'm just looking at her like, I'm sorry, it's my best friend's daughter. And then Tommy McIntyre came out. Joey McIntyre, who was just on the show, his brother, he was a great dude, hung out with him for a while. And then this kid Peter Martin featured for me. Holy shit. Keep an eye on this guy. Super funny. Maybe he'll be one of those guys that just becomes a big name in Boston. But I feel like I'm gonna try to bring him on the road with me a little bit. I think. I think that if he were to move to New York or la, probably better New York, I think he could do something super good writer and funny. And then. So then I get back home again and I got. My wife is away. She's visiting her mom and brother in New York. So I'm alone in the house, which always sounds like a good idea. And then I get here and I hate it. I feel so lonely because the kids are gone and it's just me. And I won't even let myself masturbate because it just feels like a cliche. So I went out with Tom O'Neill and a couple other friends and we went out to this, this, this went out to Abbot Kinney and hung out at this place. And then the Dunskies, my neighbors, had me over for dinner.
- [07:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Whatever.
- [07:56]
Caroline Ray
I've been getting into the details of my life, but it's poker night tomorrow night. Got a couple guys coming over for that. Got seven of us. And then I got the NCAA finals. Gibbs and Rabi are coming over. We got a bunch of bets going that'll be here. So I'm busy. Watch the White Lotus finale last night? Yeah, it was as bad as the rest of the series. I ki. I kept Waiting for this show to pop and it just never did. I just. The the three women, what happened? Can somebody just jot down the plot points of their story over eight episodes? I don't know that anything. Women talk behind each other's backs. Is that the story? I'm done. Schwarzenegger's son seems like a douchebag. I know he's playing a douchebag, but it sort of seems like he's too good at it. And what was the other story?
- [08:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't know.
- [08:50]
Caroline Ray
I like the girl with the big teeth. I think that's everybody's takeaway. And everybody likes Sam Rockwell's monologue about fucking a tranny. I'm not supposed to say tranny. Fucking a transvestite. Jesus. Might have to cut that one out. Anyway, tour dates coming up, Huntington beach at the Mamba on May 4th. Escondido Grand Comedy Club May 9th and 10th. And then we got Dayton, Kentucky, which is really Cincinnati, at the Commonwealth May 16th and 17th. Tampa Bay side splitters June 5th through 7th. Got a one nighter. I'm announcing now in Naples, Florida at Off the hook on June 8th. Torrance, Austin, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, La Jolla. All coming up go to fitzdog.com get yourself some tickets. Also, we want to talk about Mood. Look, cannabis should be accessible, affordable, convenient and transparent. But also we want to support the American food farmers that make it. That's why Mood was created in 2200% federally legal cannabis grown on small pesticide free American farms. You can get 20% off your entire purchase today. When you say Fitz F I T Z. And the promo code it is, you know, it's just, it helps you in many ways in life. Cannabis can be very. It's a very, very functional. I've used it for 15 years. It can help you sleep, it can help you, you know, all kinds of gummies, this THC blends, it all comes like, you know, discreetly wrapped. You'll never know it's at your door. None of your neighbors are gonna know. The sleepytime gummies are amazing. And their herbs. And what do I know about this? Immune support, menopause relief. How about some PMS symptoms? Buy some of these for your wife. Mental clarity. I have experienced that for sure. Sexual arousal? Well, I don't know. I haven't tried that one yet. But worth a try. So they're all grown on family owned American farms. No pesticides, no bs. Best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industrial industry leading 100 day satisfaction guarantee, but as I mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with Code Fitz F I T Z. So head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies, find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with, and remember to use promo Code Fitz at checkout. Save 20% off on your first order.
- [11:41]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
- [11:42]
Caroline Ray
My guest today is a dear friend for God, I'm going to say 30 years. I've known her from doing stand up in New York when I was starting out. And you know her as Sabrina the teenage witch. She's also been on Phineas and Ferb forever. She's one of the big, big guns on Hollywood Squares. Had her own show for a while. She's. She hosted the Biggest Loser Match Game. She's a regular on any. On and on and on. She's really. And just a stellar comic. Really, really good craftsperson in stand up. And I, and I just think she's a very special friend and I was so happy to have her on the show. So please welcome my chat from last week with Caroline Ray.
- [12:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Caroline Ray. Welcome to the Fresh and Clean Greg Fitzsimmons show. Fitz Dog Radio.
- [12:51]
C
You know what I like about it? It immediately makes me think of Ritz crackers. Is that wrong?
- [12:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
The background?
- [12:57]
C
Yeah, Ritz Fritz.
- [12:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, Fritz.
- [13:00]
C
Yeah, yeah, I just, I see a sponsorship.
- [13:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I like it.
- [13:03]
C
Yeah. We'll just be standing there eating Ritz crackers.
- [13:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Ritz crackers. My, my sister, when she was little and she. My parents used to have a lot of parties. I think your parents did too.
- [13:13]
C
Probably 70s.
- [13:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a lot of 70s parties.
- [13:18]
C
With, you know, they have 70.
- [13:20]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, no, no, no. But Canadians actually would. I know.
- [13:25]
Caroline Ray
How would I know?
- [13:25]
C
You know the joke. Canadians didn't have orgies. Too many thank you notes.
- [13:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So my sister, they would have crackers and cheese set up and my sister was like, you know, three or four and somebody picked up a Ritz cracker and they put some cheese on it and they bit into it and they go, your crackers are soggy. And they looked over and my sister had had cheese on the Ritz and she was licking it off, so I guess she was using it, putting it back on the plate.
- [14:00]
C
Like a cat just getting the salt off for them.
- [14:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, no, I think my parents used to have parties. I'm not exaggerating when I say they went till 4 o'clock in the morning.
- [14:14]
C
Oh, yeah.
- [14:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Like frequent. They were out at night three nights a week and two of those nights they were home after 3 o'clock. In the morning.
- [14:21]
C
I just remember being mortified when my parents would get to the party. The party where they were dancing in the living room.
- [14:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah. Were they the only ones dancing?
- [14:30]
C
No, no, they were. Everyone was dancing mostly. But just. Just seeing your parents dance and there were such, like, the vocabulary. I. Like, there were certain words that I think my. If my mother ever used the word, like screw, I was like, oh, so 70s and vile. It just. It's like if we were playing Password, Screw, Bloody Mary, you know, like, it's just.
- [14:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah. No, my parents were very strict about language. We did. We did not. Grew. Well. We were group Catholic. It was a lot of Catholic stuff. But. But I feel like you grew up. I don't know if you were religious, but I feel like you grew up sort of upper crust, didn't you?
- [15:07]
C
I did, yeah. Yeah, I did. But you know what? When I. When I went to New York in 1989, and everybody's like, you're like, you're such a WASP. And I would just politely laugh, and I'd be like, I don't know why. I'm like a bee. But maybe that's. I had no idea what a WASP was.
- [15:21]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [15:21]
C
I never heard the term.
- [15:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
- [15:23]
C
I had no idea.
- [15:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, that's not a Canadian term.
- [15:25]
C
No. I literally. I had no idea what it was. Yeah. Yeah. I had no idea. Sometimes you just have to do stand up to realize what a prissy wasp. Because my mother would always say to me, you know, car, on stage, you're a saucy little sailor, but the minute you get off, you're just a prissy little wasp. And it's so true. I'll say anything on stage with the microphone, but someone will come up to me and go, oh, that joke. And I'll be like, don't talk to me off camera. Yeah.
- [15:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Interesting.
- [15:50]
C
Yeah. So.
- [15:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So it's like a character a little bit.
- [15:54]
C
No, I think it's a freedom.
- [15:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. It's the opposite of character.
- [15:58]
C
Yeah. I think on stage, I am literally.
- [15:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
In real life, you're a character.
- [16:00]
C
Yeah. Okay, this is my question for you, even though I know you have questions for me. How many days can you go not during standup, before you feel depressed?
- [16:09]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Three.
- [16:10]
C
Three. And that starts to affect you.
- [16:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Two to three. Yeah. And the funny thing is, like, last night I bombed. And. And what? Well, I went to Largo, and I get very intimidated by Largo because it's.
- [16:23]
C
I know. It's like. It's the old school, and it makes, like, the punchline joke. People feel like we're ashamed.
- [16:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Exactly. It's like, oh, I was trying to talk through my punchline so they didn't seem like punchlines.
- [16:34]
Caroline Ray
I was trying to be conversational about.
- [16:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
My act and all I saw was like, you know, middle aged women just cross armed and humorless. It was like an NPR TED Talk or something. And I'm up there and I am bombing and I. I don't know, I listen. I listened to the tape this morning.
- [16:54]
C
Because I couldn't sleep last night and masturbated to it. I'm sorry. That's what I always say. The male comics, did they play their tapes back?
- [17:00]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Anyway, is this Caroline on stage right now or Caroline offstage?
- [17:03]
C
No, sorry. It was.
- [17:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And I listened to it today and it actually was not bad. But I think because John Mulaney and Marin were both standing off stage and Marin has a way of judging you that me. Anyway, it affects me because I started with him, right? He's judgmental guy.
- [17:23]
C
Yeah.
- [17:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So it made me very uncle. And of course Flanagan who owns the place. They're all sitting like eight feet from you behind the curtain. And so anyway, I had this thought that every day I wake up feeling like I forgot how to do stand up comedy. And it's only after I get the first laugh that night that I go, oh, yeah, I remember how to do this.
- [17:47]
C
Oh, that's so interesting.
- [17:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I need that first laugh.
- [17:50]
C
I remember when I first moved to New York and I was like having success at it, but it was, it freaked me out because I was like, this is not a tangible skill. I don't know where it comes from and will it be here tomorrow or will just my skill at being a terrible cater waiter be there, but I won't be able to do comedy. And then it's like such an act of faith that you are like, the longer you trust it, of course it's going to show up.
- [18:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [18:14]
C
But it's funny that your humanness just goes, I'm just gone. Yeah.
- [18:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, I think that you bomb. Well, no, it wasn't as bad as I thought. But I think with you, when you go on stage, I don't know if you have add, but it feels to me like the way you engage with the crowd ignites you. It's like you come alive once you start and you do this thing where you are able to. To go to both wells, you go to the crowd, work well, and then you go into the material and it really flows back and forth. And that to me, that's my favorite Kind of comedy.
- [18:50]
C
Well, that's my favorite kind of comedy because it's not going to be repeated the next day.
- [18:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [18:56]
C
So it actually makes you feel like you're doing something new, even when you're telling a joke that you've told a thousand times.
- [19:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [19:02]
C
And I wish I had add. Cause then there would be medication. The longest hours of my life were being tested for add. And the guy goes like this. And he was the head of, like, psychiatry at ucla. And he goes, nope, not even a little bit. And I'm like, seriously? Because I've had random strangers heckle this to me. Focus. I'm like, don't you think that. But he explained to me that my brain sort of. It's like, it goes to the grocery store, it gets the fruit, it gets the vegetables, it gets this. And then it goes back and goes, oh, I forgot this. And the fruits, and I get this. So it's like this sort of. And I do like the fact that it makes it feel like it's alive.
- [19:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [19:45]
C
You know, like, I never really enjoyed doing a TV set. Like, even when I would do a TV set and then I would, like. I remember at Comic Relief, I thought I had a great set.
- [19:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [19:55]
C
It was like. It was life changing. Everything that happened that night. Like, Milos Foreman was in the audience and cast me in a movie.
- [20:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No kidding.
- [20:02]
C
No. And I. And then I got booked on Hollywood Squares back then and. And like, just all these great things happened. But then when I watched the set, I was like, there's just something that doesn't translate between, like, that amazing live feeling.
- [20:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [20:20]
C
And even the greatest set in the world.
- [20:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know, I think it depends on the comic. I do think there's people that thrive, you know, like.
- [20:28]
C
Yeah.
- [20:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Carol Leifer was just on the show. Like, she did 25 lettermans. And I saw a lot of them and they were always amazing. You know, you look at Brian Regan or Jake Johansson, these are TV set guys who actually like it when everybody shuts the up.
- [20:45]
C
Yeah.
- [20:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And pays attention and they nail down what they do.
- [20:48]
C
Yeah.
- [20:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But I'm like you. I feel. I always feel like that scene from Butch Cassidy, the Sundance Kid, where Sundance is walking up to. He's. He's applying for a job basically to guard the. The. The gold wagon that transports the gold. And so he's supposed to be riding shotgun. And then the guy tests him. And so he throws a can in the air and he goes, shoot it. When I throw it in the air. Shoot. Throws it in the air. Two shots misses. And the Guy goes, you don't have the job. And he goes, can I move this time? And he's like, yeah. So he throws the can in the air and Sundance rolls over on the ground and shoots it three times. And I was like, that's how I feel like doing stand up. I gotta be moving.
- [21:24]
C
Yeah, yeah, that. Yeah, I've gotta be moving. So I've got to feel like I have never done this before.
- [21:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [21:29]
C
And I also feel like the, like, my intention probably was always. We were so trained to be like, get a development deal and get another show and do this. And now my intention is so, like, I genuinely love doing it, and I want to make the audience feel I know better than they did before they got there.
- [21:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [21:48]
C
That's it.
- [21:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right, right.
- [21:49]
C
I want to give some relief from.
- [21:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Anxiety, but I think that that's the thing that we're addicted to, is that stand up comedy forces you to get into the moment. If you're not in the moment, your rhythm is off, your. Your, your connection to the audience is off. Your relationship to your own material is off.
- [22:09]
C
Yeah.
- [22:09]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And so I think that we spent so much of our lives, you know, bouncing around and. And then when you're on stage, there's no excuse but to get in the moment. And then when you get off stage, you carry that for a little while, that feeling.
- [22:24]
C
And do you have this other weird thing that, like, your first setback is always the best.
- [22:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [22:29]
C
Yeah. And then by the time you're doing like a long weekend and by the time you're on your fourth show, you're like, this feels stale again.
- [22:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. The third. If I do usually in clubs, I do Thursday, Friday, Saturday night. Yeah, Thursday night's almost always my best show.
- [22:43]
C
Yeah. I always used to my fate. What's your favorite night? My favorite night used to be Sunday nights.
- [22:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Sundays are fun.
- [22:50]
C
Yeah. Because those people really want to be there.
- [22:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yep.
- [22:53]
C
And they're unemployed and you just, you know, they have nowhere to go and you feel bad for them.
- [22:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And they went to church and they need to snap out of it. Now the church is behind them. And now you can hear about abortion jokes.
- [23:05]
C
Okay, so growing up Catholic, did you have any guilt about certain things you shouldn't have talked about? I hit his nerve. Yeah.
- [23:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So much guilt in my life. It's amazing. Like, I literally feel guilt when I have sex, like, with my own wife. I feel guilt afterwards.
- [23:22]
C
But I admire you because the way you talk about on stage, it's so funny. But, like, there's not that Many people. So sometimes guilt motivated you, like, in the right way because you have a long marriage with a beautiful family. You post pictures of beautiful family trips. How long have you been married?
- [23:40]
Greg Fitzsimmons
25 years.
- [23:40]
C
And a lot of that is probably guilt motivated. Like you'll be killed if you did anything wrong.
- [23:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right?
- [23:45]
C
Yes.
- [23:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [23:45]
C
So that worked in your favor.
- [23:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's true. I. I do think guilt, it's a good moral motivator. I think maybe there's not enough guilt. I think we. I think we swung too far away from total freedom.
- [23:56]
C
Yeah.
- [23:57]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And there needs to be more accountability.
- [23:59]
C
Well, guilt is right up there. Yeah. With, with, with. Yeah. Making sure you're a good person. It's still sort of important.
- [24:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Do you feel guilt?
- [24:10]
C
I have. Literally, I'm like a wandering, like, spiritual person. I have studied so much spirituality, except I really don't know anything about Catholicism. Yeah, that's the one that always scared me because I always felt very oppressed whenever I would go into a Catholic church. Like I had done something wrong.
- [24:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Yeah.
- [24:26]
C
And I took communion when I was 7 because I was at camp. Not when I was 7. Well, yes, when I was 7 because I went to a Catholic camp one summer.
- [24:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [24:33]
C
And then I was a counselor at that camp and I was in charge of the non denominational services on the weekend.
- [24:42]
Greg Fitzsimmons
How old were you?
- [24:44]
C
Well, I was 7 when I went to that camp. Camp Jeanne d'arc.
- [24:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [24:47]
C
And yeah, it was Catholic. I, I literally took communion because I was hungry. I had no idea what it was.
- [24:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my.
- [24:52]
C
Not. I was seven.
- [24:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Do you have any idea what a sin that is?
- [24:56]
C
Oh, gosh. Yeah.
- [24:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay. Supposed to have gone through the whole first communion process.
- [25:02]
C
Well, then why were all these little kids being given it? Or they just assumed I was. Oh, look at this. Look at your contagious guilt.
- [25:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's, you know, it's almost like.
- [25:13]
C
It's like going to a WASP wedding and not drinking. Is it that bad?
- [25:16]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. But no, I think the guilt is. Is good in some ways and it's bad in others. But I think in the, in the long run, I don't think it's a good thing. I feel like it's constrained me a lot, and I. And I think that I should have found another religion to wash it out, you know? Like, I think some Buddhism would have been good because that's all about not assigning good or bad to anything. Right.
- [25:44]
C
I studied Buddhism for a long time and we had this very unbelievable teacher come to the house. And, you know, it was like all These monks were coming in the house, and we had to learn how to, like, turn the teapot four times. It was like a Tibetan teacher, and it was all this formality. And my mother, who was the funniest person in the world there. You know, in. In Buddhism, you cannot ever hurt a sentient or sentient being, depending on how you say it. Like, you can't kill a bug.
- [26:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right?
- [26:10]
C
Right. Everything has a spirit in a life. So before that, my mother. I think my mother was doing secret, like, asbestos testing for the government in the 70s because she literally set the kitchen on fire so many times. Like, everything looked like weird art. Like, the cuisiner was melted and the blender was, like, distorted. It was like, strange art. And one time. And she got so mad if you ever called her out on it, and she spilled, like, a pot of honey. And we had ants from all over the world. It was like Mecca for ants. It was just unbelievable. And I was, like, tiptoeing over these ants, and my mother said, just kill the ants. And I said, I can't. They're sentient beings. And she said, use my shoe. So. And when I had all these monks coming in the house, my mother was. So I go, mom, they're coming. And she goes, anyway, she came in and all these monks were coming in, and she was, like, walking out the back door when they were coming in the front door. And the house was. We were selling the house at home. She goes, but we'll never sell the house now.
- [27:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Why? Because the monks were there.
- [27:12]
C
Like, just, like people seeing the monks coming in the house. But I think I. In terms of religion, I really feel like it's like your gps, like, we're all going in the same place. What direction?
- [27:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [27:26]
C
How do you need them delivered to you to get there? You know?
- [27:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [27:29]
C
And for whatever reason, guilt is one of the tools that got used for you.
- [27:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [27:35]
C
But the fact that you have resentment or feeling.
- [27:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, I mean, it's the ultimate socializing tool. It's been used by every society to try to keep people in line, you know, Guilt.
- [27:47]
C
It's true.
- [27:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. And it's.
- [27:49]
C
I hate. I hate being made to feel guilty. Oh, God, that one was really. Yeah.
- [27:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you know what the best line I ever heard is? And I use it all the time. I use with my mother quite a bit.
- [27:59]
C
Do you take cash or credit?
- [28:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I say, are you trying to make me feel guilty right now? And it just flips it.
- [28:11]
C
Yeah, yeah. But so how much of it? Because I would say of all the spirituality between Buddhism and Kabbalah and Christianity and everything. The biggest one I've ever learned that change is your life, if any of us could do it, is to be non reactive. So if somebody is trying to make you feel guilty, it's not taking that bait because that's your trigger immediately. Right?
- [28:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [28:35]
C
You've got the giant guilt wound. And if someone goes and they. So much so that they can see it and hook into it because they think they're going to control you with it. So. So you're still being reactive by saying that the step is like, not like just not reacting to their.
- [28:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. And not compensating. Not like trying to cover it with another positive emotion, but just feeling no emotion.
- [28:59]
C
Like, now, as a married person, are you a good apologizer?
- [29:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [29:02]
C
You are apologizer. Apologist.
- [29:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Apologist.
- [29:05]
C
Apologist.
- [29:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Apologist. Sounds or just.
- [29:07]
C
Is it just pronounced husband?
- [29:09]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes. His husband. Good husband. Good husband. No, I think I apologize to my kids is one of the most profound things I've done. Yeah, I think it's a really important thing to do. Have you. Have you done that at all?
- [29:20]
C
Oh, I always say I'm sorry. My mother taught me that.
- [29:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [29:23]
C
Like, always, if. And. And then what will really drive me crazy is my daughter will say to me, you never say you're sorry. And I'm like, I absolutely do. Because I'm so conscious of it.
- [29:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [29:34]
C
I'm very conscious of always saying thank you and always saying, I'm sorry.
- [29:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [29:39]
C
But what really gets me, which was a real problem with my relationship with Ava's dad, was he would say to me, say you're sorry. And then I'm like, oh, do not give me the script unless it is a SAG contract. Okay. If I'm gonna get residuals for this apology, I'll say it a hundred times, but don't tell me what to do.
- [29:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That it's like, yeah, yeah.
- [30:00]
C
And so then, because you can literally be like, I'm so sorry. And they, like, say it like, I'm so dime. Not sorry. You know, I can't. I can't. I don't know how.
- [30:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Or. Or you turn around and go, I'm sorry that this makes you mad.
- [30:11]
C
Right. You take away the apology. You're like, Or I'm. And Ava will always be like, that's not an apology. I'm like, I'm sorry that you. And then you just completely them over reacted that way. I'm sorry that it triggered something in you. I'm sorry that you have such a big up issue about this that I Didn't know until now.
- [30:31]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I'm sorry you can't handle the truth. Yeah. I'm sorry is such a great thing to say to your kids because you're modeling behavior.
- [30:40]
C
Yeah.
- [30:41]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you're also showing them that you're not perfect and that they shouldn't hold you up to perfection because there's that moment. And having a daughter, you know, this once, they hit like 14 and they start to see that you're not perfect.
- [30:54]
C
Yeah.
- [30:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
They have such a violent reaction to that. So my feeling was always take the air out of the balloon early on and apologize and. And let them. Let them see you angry. You know, like, I have a temper and I will get angry and then I will. I never get angry. Like, screaming at them, but I let them see me get angry.
- [31:13]
C
You're also in charge of them, so you have to. They have to. I remember when Ava was about three, you know how when you're like, you really try very hard to be like an adult parent.
- [31:21]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [31:21]
C
And you're like, I am the adult and you're the child, but then sometimes when they're little and they would get to. You also become a three year old.
- [31:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [31:30]
C
And I remember saying to Ava when she was about three, I go, you are not the boss of me. I am the boss of you. And Ava was walking away like. Like, and just turned over her shoulder and she went like this. Now that's funny, Mommy.
- [31:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I was like, what did she. Greta Garmo or something?
- [31:50]
C
Unless she had a cigarette and dove in the pool and said, no pictures, no photographs whatsoever. Only from my left side. She did always sound like. Well, she went through a phase where she would fire me in her sleep all the time.
- [32:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What?
- [32:09]
C
She would count. She'd be like, nine, eight, four, nine. You're fired. You're fired. Like, she'd fall asleep. Yeah. She was always firing people when she talked in her sleep.
- [32:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She ever like a Donald Trump fantasy?
- [32:21]
C
No. I would. No. And she.
- [32:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Is she dramatic now? What is she, about 17 now?
- [32:27]
C
She's 16. I love that child so much.
- [32:31]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [32:32]
C
It's still. I mean, she's six feet tall, so it's hard to hold her in my arms.
- [32:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But is she literally six feet tall?
- [32:37]
C
Yeah. Really? Yeah, she's six feet tall. She's super pretty, hilariously funny.
- [32:42]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I've seen her pictures. Yeah, she's beautiful.
- [32:44]
C
No, she's like. She's so funny. I mean, both of her parents are comedians, and she's funny in a completely different way. Are your kids funny?
- [32:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
My daughter. Well, my son Knows what's funny. But my daughter is funny.
- [32:57]
C
Does she want to do stand up?
- [32:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No.
- [32:58]
C
Oh, yeah.
- [32:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She'd be an amazing.
- [33:01]
C
You said no. Like, I just asked for the car after seven drinks.
- [33:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Would you. Do you want your kid to go into this world? I mean, if you have no other.
- [33:10]
C
Options, if there's nothing else you can do, then become. Well, that's what I felt like my this. Was it for skill?
- [33:16]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [33:16]
C
Or. Okay, so let's play this game. If you weren't this, what would you be?
- [33:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
A novelist.
- [33:23]
C
Oh.
- [33:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's what I went to college for.
- [33:25]
C
Have you written a novel?
- [33:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yep.
- [33:27]
C
What was it about?
- [33:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was a love story. I was in Ireland and I was. I. I didn't go to college after high school. I went off to Europe for six months with a backpack. And I stayed in Ireland for like two months, two or three months. And I stayed in this house with no heat. It had peat, which is bricks of mud give off, like no heat. I was in the winter in Ireland, living off peat. And I had a notebook. And I wrote. I would go every night to the Atlantic Pub and there was bartender named Molly, dark red, curly hair, green eyes. And I just fell for her. And every night she'd pull pints of Guinness for me and I kissed her. It didn't go really much further than that, but I was in love with her. And so I wrote this novel kind of about falling in love. And then I gave it to her after two or three months, and she read it and she goes, it's brilliant. And I didn't know that in Ireland. Brilliant. You could. You could take a dump. That's brilliant in Ireland. That's just how they use the word. And anyway, so she kept it. I gave it to her.
- [34:34]
C
And she has the only copy?
- [34:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [34:36]
C
Oh, gosh. She sold it under a pseudonym. She's. Molly is. Probably owns 500 bars now because of her first novel. I called it Greg Craig of the. Craig of the Love. Greg of the. Pete. No, she probably called your character Pete.
- [34:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [34:51]
C
Right after your cold heart.
- [34:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then I wrote a memoir. Wow. Yeah.
- [34:57]
C
You're too little to write a memoir.
- [34:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I wrote it.
- [35:00]
Caroline Ray
Yeah.
- [35:00]
Greg Fitzsimmons
About seven or eight years ago and did well. Simon and she.
- [35:04]
C
Which bartender has that?
- [35:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I will give you a copy. Don't laugh at me.
- [35:12]
C
He wasn't. I think. I think it. Was it that one you have more than one copy of?
- [35:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [35:17]
C
You're a great writer. You got. You got some fun skills.
- [35:21]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Thank you. Did you write a memoir yet?
- [35:25]
C
I'm literally after this I'm going to see a hypnotist because I have trouble finishing things. Oh, I do. Like, I like to stay for the trailer, not the whole film. You know what I mean? But I've been engaged. But I don't get married.
- [35:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [35:37]
C
I don't. I just. So I, I have a very fast creative mind. It has to do like a hundred things right. In order. I know it's.
- [35:46]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's shocking, but you strike me as somebody that often has an assistant who will help you through something like that.
- [35:53]
C
I do, but that assistant would have to have an assistant in order to. Really.
- [35:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So you hire somebody who's like you.
- [36:01]
C
Yeah, I literally, I have to just walk around and say things. And then it's like Alan Alda in that movie. There's a game show. It's a game show about ducks. Tell me about this. Call someone about the duck show. You know Alan Alda. You know Alan Alda in that movie with. When he's, he's, he's always.
- [36:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, Michael Keaton.
- [36:20]
C
No, it's Alan Alda. He's got like a little.
- [36:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's in not mash.
- [36:25]
C
No, I don't think they were invented by then. Alan Alda in. It's a Ben Stiller movie and it's set in New York and Alan Alda owns it and he's always talking about idea for a show.
- [36:40]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [36:41]
C
Greg and Caroline are stranded in a bar. They find Molly. Greg marries Molly's granddaughter and feels guilt for the rest of his life. I like that. Like it's a phone call. Oh, no. I have like three sound effects.
- [36:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Is that anything?
- [37:03]
C
I mean, walkie talkie. I just made a walkie talkie sound on the phone.
- [37:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Anyway, no, there was a movie called Night Shift with Michael Keaton and Henry Winkler.
- [37:12]
C
I never saw it.
- [37:13]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And Michael Keaton had a little recorder and he would say, you know what they should do is. Oh, thought feed the tuna the mayonnaise.
- [37:27]
C
I remember Michael Keaton having the most killer set on Letterman.
- [37:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah.
- [37:32]
C
Bazillion years ago. And we were both flying to LA the next day and we were both in first class and we were waiting for the bathroom. Like two people. There's like six in the whole. Whatever. First class.
- [37:42]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Did you already know him?
- [37:44]
C
No. And I said, hey, man, you just did. That was such a killer shout out Letterman last night. And he was like this. He's like, thanks. Like, no eye contact. Then I'm like, oh, now we're awkwardly in the bathroom on a plane. And I'm like, oh, I, I Am, like, that made me feel so, like, what are you gonna do in there? Yeah, go to the bathroom. Like, what. What am I gonna say now? Wow. Yeah.
- [38:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Was that the set where he did the Bazooka Joe comic? No, he had this bit that I thought it was. I might have been evening at the improv. But he goes, you know, I, you know, really love Bazooka Joe comics. I, I think, you know, just great sense of humor. And he goes, you know, in the first frame here, Bazooka Joe's got a clock. And in the second frame, he, he throws it out the window. And his friend goes, hey, what are you doing? Bazooka. What are you doing there, Bazooka Joe? And Bazooka Joe goes, uh, watching time fly. And then the next frame says, uh, time Bazooka Joe. That's a very ethereal concept, isn't it? And he goes into this whole existential thing that just keeps going and going.
- [38:50]
C
That's hilarious.
- [38:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I used to love those improvs you had.
- [38:53]
C
Little channeling of Norm McDonald as, as Michael Keaton.
- [38:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I've been watching a lot of Norm lately.
- [39:00]
C
My favorite favorite Norm joke, he said, homeless guy with his dog. The dog's got to be thinking, this is the longest walk of my life, buddy. I can do this on my own. I was kind of counting on you for shelter and food.
- [39:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's endless. Every time I think I've seen all the Norm clips, I'm on TikTok and I see like two new ones a day from either, like his own talk show or when he was paneling with, you know, Conan O'Brien or Letterman. It just goes on and on.
- [39:41]
C
My favorite, all gold. My favorite would be, you wouldn't have seen him in like a year. And then you're like, how you doing? Yeah, that's great. Do you want to drive me to Orange County? I'm like, no, I don't want to drive. I. I had a dentist appointment. No, Norm, I'm not driving you to Orange County.
- [39:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Cut to driving Orange County.
- [39:58]
C
Yeah.
- [39:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. No, he never had a license his whole life.
- [40:01]
C
Probably a very good idea.
- [40:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, probably. What an interesting guy, because so low functioning in so many ways, and yet maybe the smartest person I've ever met. He was.
- [40:12]
C
I smooched him in the 90s.
- [40:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, you didn't.
- [40:14]
C
Yeah, we had a little varmince. Really?
- [40:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What was the scenario?
- [40:19]
C
Thank you. Well, of course, we were both on heavy, heady, heavy medication. No. What do you mean? What's in here?
- [40:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I mean, were you in a bar? Did you Go back to his place?
- [40:28]
C
No, we used to hang out.
- [40:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [40:30]
C
Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I mean.
- [40:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So you were at his apartment one night?
- [40:33]
C
No, he was at my apartment. I was like, you know, I don't know why I'm telling you this. And now I have to somehow give you a ledger of all the times it existed.
- [40:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know.
- [40:44]
C
It was dating in the apartment.
- [40:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [40:46]
C
Yeah.
- [40:46]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
- [40:47]
C
No, I never had sex with him.
- [40:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No?
- [40:48]
C
No.
- [40:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Ever had sex with any other comedians?
- [40:52]
C
Oh, look at the time. There's so many things I have to do. I have to go to it.
- [40:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know what? I would. You know, I thought before this show, I want to do an exchange with you after the show. Each tell each other what comedians we've slept with have to be on the air.
- [41:06]
C
All right, good. Okay.
- [41:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It almost would be funny if I whispered it in your ear, and then you whispered one in my ear.
- [41:11]
C
Okay.
- [41:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You want to do that?
- [41:14]
C
I could tell you. Really?
- [41:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I'm going to blow your mind with mine.
- [41:16]
C
I'm going to blow your mind.
- [41:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right.
- [41:21]
C
All I'm going to say is part of their body leans to the here. Right. Which is very ironic. Oh, we both did it. That's really funny. You did that one. No way. No way. Regularly?
- [41:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Regularly. No way.
- [41:41]
C
Oh, all right.
- [41:42]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You tell me you're. No, no, no, no.
- [41:49]
C
Are you serious? Yeah, but we're not myself. Don't you even. Did I laugh hysterically at yours?
- [42:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No.
- [42:02]
C
No, no, no.
- [42:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
There's a reason why I'm laughing. Yes. Okay.
- [42:08]
C
Well, I just did a really big movie.
- [42:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, congratulate. What are we on? What, are we on the Tonight show now or something?
- [42:15]
C
No, I'm just telling you. Do that.
- [42:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Should we show a trailer? What's your big movie? You want to set this clip up for us, Caroline?
- [42:25]
C
I'm gonna act at all the parts. And then he says, and this will be a him. And then she said, and then that was the person. I've got all the different parts down. You know what? I was just sharing, but thanks for the shoot down. I, I, it's very. I was going to tell you something that made me feel about a thousand years old.
- [42:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [42:48]
C
But it's such a great script, and it's somebody that I. Alex Moffat is the star.
- [42:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, no way.
- [42:55]
C
And he's literally. He's like if Jim Carrey and Sean Connery had a baby. That's how smooth and crispy and perfect his comedy is. And in it, I played Julia Stiles mother.
- [43:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
- [43:10]
C
Yes. But I do get to say this line. I was 16 years old when I had you. But it was very important to me that I say that. I. I even asked the writer. I was like, could it be 12, or is that creepy? Could I have been 12? Could have just. How about. I adopted her when I was 8 at a girl Scout camp? And then she came home.
- [43:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God. I just saw a clip of. Sorry, what's the woman's name from Modern Family.
- [43:40]
C
The Latino woman, Sofia Vergara.
- [43:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So she's on the View, and they're talking about her daughter, and they're like, oh, my daughter's, like, 18. Like, wow, you must have been. How old were you when you had her? And she's like, 13. And they were like, you. Oh, my God, you were 13. She goes, Raped. I was raped. And then she just kept talking. She just moved right on from it and all the View. And then one of the View ladies just asked her another question immediately. And it just kind of slipped by. That crazy.
- [44:10]
C
That is crazy.
- [44:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Anyway, tell me about the movie. More.
- [44:13]
C
Jesus. Good segue. That is the most. You're the only talk show host that's ever done that. It's like. Anyway, Hi, it's Greg Fitzsimmons. I just saw the most horrific accident, and then a man jumped out of a window, and I don't think he made it. How are you and how are the kids? I'm, like, traumatized. I'm completely traumatized. That's what it is. A little bit of Catholic trauma coming your way.
- [44:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I was grocery shopping. I was getting the produce, and then I had to go get the eggs. You know, the mind doesn't. But I'm.
- [44:52]
C
See.
- [44:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But I'm very interested in the movie.
- [44:54]
C
No, that's it. That's all.
- [44:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What's it called?
- [44:56]
C
It's called Unbearable Christmas. But in it.
- [44:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, it's going to be a Christmas.
- [45:00]
C
I play an alcoholic, and I don't drink, and she's a very tough, mean mother. And it was just very interesting playing someone who I do not. I identify with.
- [45:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Was your mother an alcoholic?
- [45:11]
C
No.
- [45:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No.
- [45:12]
C
So.
- [45:13]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
- [45:14]
C
Yeah.
- [45:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So is it, like, going to come out at Christmas?
- [45:18]
C
My father might have been. Yeah, it's gonna come out this Christmas.
- [45:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow. Is it a Hallmark movie or is it.
- [45:27]
C
No, it's an independent movie.
- [45:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
- [45:29]
C
No, it's nothing. It's not a Hallmark movie. Like, all sorts of unexpected things happen.
- [45:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I love the Hallmark movies.
- [45:38]
C
I love the Hallmark movies. This is. This. Is anyone watching a Hallmark movie? You go in and go, oh, what are you. Are you watching Hallmark movie that. Who's that what? And then you're like, all right, well, now I have to see what happens. It doesn't matter. Yeah. You can't leave the room when they're on.
- [45:53]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you cry, and then you cry. There was one I watched with my mother when I was in Florida. There's a lot of watching Hallmark in Florida. And so it's about this kid, and he needs a kidney, and they don't have a lot of money, and there's no donor.
- [46:10]
C
I know that one. A Christmas kidney. I.
- [46:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
The dance number is the best.
- [46:18]
C
So. So, five, six, seven. Kidney. Kidney. Okay.
- [46:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And so they're waiting for this kidney, and it's not coming. And you know, the kids.
- [46:33]
C
It's like, Elijah, the way you're saying it, the kidney's not going to come. You have to move the plate. Okay.
- [46:38]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And so the. The mother was an alcoholic and had given the kid up, and then suddenly was back in his life again. And then. And then it's like Hallmark or Lifetime. It was Hallmark. And it was like Christmas. It was Christmas morning, and they get a call that there's a kidney, but they're in Iowa and the kidney's in Nebraska. But there's the biggest snowstorm that Iowa's ever had. And so the entire town goes down to the airport with shovels. Like 200 people shovel the Runway. And then they put the kid on the plane, and the plane takes off, and then it gets to the hospital and gets the operation. And then he wakes up in the morning with the new kidney, and the sun is coming through the window, and there's balloons in the background, and the family's there holding his hand. And then this. And then my mother goes. She goes, where are they gonna get balloons during a snowstorm?
- [47:36]
C
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is so.
- [47:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And I got tears. I'm like. I'm like crying.
- [47:47]
C
That is so fun. Okay, let's talk about how your brain's triggered. So my father desperately wanted to be an actor, but his. He was an actor. Yeah. And his mother said, no, you're gonna be it. You're gonna be. He went to school with Christopher Plummer and William Shatner.
- [47:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No.
- [48:00]
C
Yes. And my dad was always in plays. And my. My. My grandmother in Ontario, Montreal, at McGill. Yeah.
- [48:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
- [48:07]
C
Yeah. So I would put him in everything. So I had a pilot that I had, and Kim Whitley was in the. My. She's my best friend, of course, and she's in the pilot. And in the pilot, I'm at Weight Watchers explaining. I thought this was the greatest Idea. I'm explaining why I ate that way that day and that week. And then it's all flashbacks, right? So it's sort of like my audience is the Weight Watchers meeting. So I tell my dad, okay, I'm gonna put you in the scene, right? So the dialogue is this. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons. And Kim Whitley says, balloons? What the hell does that mean? So action. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons. And then my father says, balloons? What the hell does that mean? And I'm like, dad. And the director goes, cut. Who talked? And I go, no one. No one. I'm sorry. It was a misunderstanding. I go, dad, you can't talk. You know that. You're an extra. And he goes, what? I can't. I can't say that line. I go, no, first of all, it's Kim Whitley's line. It's not up for grabs. Whoever says it first gets to keep it. So then. So then. And the director's like, what's happening? Nothing. It's fine. And I'm looking at my father like, so, take two. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons. And my father goes, balloons? Cut. I go, dad, what are you doing? And he goes, I just said one word. I thought, well, you can't say any words. He goes, not even one word. She can say the rest of the line. I go, no. Okay, cut two, take three. I go. And then he sent me a bunch of balloons. I look at my father, he's mouthing the words. I go, you are such a child. Then the next. The next whatever take. I go, and then he sent me a bunch of balloons. And Kim Whitley goes, balloons? What the hell does that mean? And then the director goes, cut. Someone moved. The extras moved. What happened? It's not the same shot. And I go. I look, my father that was sitting here is now sitting over there. I go, dad. When he goes, the woman beside me, a terrible body odor. Honey. And she was hitting on me. So I'm. I'm over here now. I go.
- [50:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So he wasn't a. He's not Christopher Plummer?
- [50:24]
C
No, he is not Christopher Plummer. Oh, my God.
- [50:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God. That's amazing.
- [50:29]
C
Yeah, he was funny.
- [50:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So funny. All right, listen. Okay, I'm gonna ask you. Fitzpat Fitz Dog Fastballs with fits is a segment I do, because I know you got to go see this hypnotist.
- [50:39]
C
I gotta see a hypnotist.
- [50:40]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't want to keep you too.
- [50:41]
C
Long about a horse. What is that expression? I Gotta see a man about a horse. What does that mean?
- [50:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't know. It's for like a 1940s film noir kind of a thing.
- [50:49]
C
Yeah. You know, I think it means you have to go to the bathroom.
- [50:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But I never understood, why should we promote blank slate?
- [50:55]
C
I don't think it's on anymore. No, let's skip that one.
- [50:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
We did a game show together.
- [51:00]
C
I literally thought blank slate. I thought you were making fun of my brain.
- [51:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That was.
- [51:04]
C
Should we promote your blank slate of a brain?
- [51:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Was that the weirdest experience ever doing that game show?
- [51:11]
C
No.
- [51:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was like such fast food. It was like, we came in, we did five a day.
- [51:17]
C
You were excellent at it.
- [51:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You were two.
- [51:19]
C
No, we're. We're. Do you do wordle?
- [51:21]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [51:22]
C
Are you obsessed with it?
- [51:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I was. I don't do it as much anymore.
- [51:25]
C
If I see that word few, I want to say you condescend when they go few because you. You do it in five.
- [51:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I'm like, how dare you?
- [51:32]
C
Yeah, how dare you?
- [51:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What does that have to do with what we're talking about?
- [51:35]
C
Quick brains.
- [51:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [51:43]
C
Wow.
- [51:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Who is your best Asian friend?
- [51:48]
C
Who was or who is could be.
- [51:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
In the past, could be now.
- [51:52]
C
Well, I started with Margaret Cho.
- [51:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh.
- [51:55]
C
And she just won a gazillion dollars on Jeopardy. And she has that. She really an incredible album. Who knew? She's got a beautiful singing voice.
- [52:04]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Whoa. Not really.
- [52:06]
C
Beautiful singing voice.
- [52:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
- [52:08]
C
Yeah.
- [52:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Damn.
- [52:09]
C
I know. Very impressed with her. Yeah.
- [52:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay, so that's the best Asian friend.
- [52:13]
C
Who is yours?
- [52:16]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't really have one.
- [52:17]
C
Okay.
- [52:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's why I asked people, because I'm kind of like. I think it's interesting that Asians make up so much of the country, but we're not really friends with them. Who's the worst opener that you ever had? Like, you show up to a city and they got somebody. They got somebody that's gonna open.
- [52:38]
C
You know how many times I started? And. And whoever the opener was would be like. And the puncher would be like, big. Anyway. Misogynist.
- [52:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Misogynist.
- [52:49]
C
Misogynist. Give it up for Carolyn Rhea. And I'm like, thanks, buddy. Really set the table. So any of those guys.
- [52:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
- [52:59]
C
Yeah. And you?
- [53:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, I can't. I can't get into mine.
- [53:04]
C
Okay.
- [53:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
This is about you. This is fastballs.
- [53:07]
C
Oh, fastballs. Okay.
- [53:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
When's the last time you apologized?
- [53:11]
C
I'm sure within the last 24 hours.
- [53:13]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know, I need specifically, when did you apologize or the most significant one you've done recently?
- [53:24]
C
Well, I said I was Sorry that I was late today because I took ways.
- [53:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, okay.
- [53:30]
C
All right. Cop out, cop out. I just have.
- [53:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Have you ever.
- [53:37]
C
I live such an exemplary moral life. I don't know anyone that I could say I was sorry to, really. Anyway, go on.
- [53:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Like, we didn't just.
- [53:46]
C
Next question. Lesser being. Go on.
- [53:49]
Greg Fitzsimmons
We just talked about what a noble act it is to apologize.
- [53:53]
C
I just literally apologize to you. I wrote, I'm so sorry.
- [53:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right.
- [53:57]
C
Yeah.
- [54:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What's the closest you ever came to being attacked on stage?
- [54:07]
C
It was that. It was like 1990 at Long island.
- [54:16]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Or Jersey, I'm guessing no Catch a Rising star.
- [54:19]
C
Upper east side.
- [54:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That was your club.
- [54:20]
Caroline Ray
That was your home room.
- [54:21]
C
That was my homeroom. And I said, you know, I was like, aggressively, you know, bantering. Like, you know when you start, when you walk to the stage in New York and people are like, you're fat and you're not funny. You're like, I'm not even at the mic.
- [54:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah.
- [54:38]
C
And I'm not fat. Give me some time. Yeah.
- [54:41]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you're not even from this country.
- [54:42]
C
Exactly. So. And I said to this. I said to this guy, I go, and I assume this is your second wife. And that was it. She, like, came after me behind the bar. I think Alan Havey had to protect me. Like you are. I was like, it was so scary.
- [54:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's good. I like that. What is? Have you ever not finished a set on stage?
- [55:07]
C
Yes. I was in a college in Staten island and a guy had a chain that he was swinging and, like a knife. And I was like, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
- [55:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What did he look like?
- [55:23]
C
College of Staten island somewhere. I don't know what it was.
- [55:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
- [55:26]
C
But I remember that Staten island, although deceptively close to New York, is about a four day drive.
- [55:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
- [55:31]
C
Yeah.
- [55:31]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And a boat.
- [55:32]
C
Yeah, a boat. And then ending in a bridge and a toll and about a nine dollar. Yeah.
- [55:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And woods. All of a sudden you're like, wait, this is a borough of New York and I'm going through woods.
- [55:41]
C
Yeah. It was weird.
- [55:42]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Staten island is weird. All right, final question.
- [55:45]
C
Huh?
- [55:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What's the hackiest bit that you've ever done.
- [55:51]
C
Inside? Well, I don't know that it's hacky. Oh, I know. I think this is the hackiest bit I've ever done. I wish that women had GPS systems in their body too. It would help men with those directions. You are half an inch from your destination. Turn left. Other left. Recalculating. That's pretty hacky. It's not bad.
- [56:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I like that. All right, Caroline Ray is coming to a place near you, especially if you Live in Honolulu. April 18th and 19th at the Blue Note.
- [56:35]
C
Have you been there?
- [56:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No. It sounds like a nice gig.
- [56:38]
C
I know, right?
- [56:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Have you been there before?
- [56:41]
C
No, but I've been. I. I've. I. I've never played this. Hawaii is my last state that I haven't played a club in, but I did perform there, and the other act was Mick Fleetwood. This, like, big corporate event.
- [56:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
- [56:54]
C
And Joe Torrey.
- [56:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
- [56:56]
C
It was crazy.
- [56:57]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What did he hit? Balls into the audience.
- [57:02]
C
Kitchen.
- [57:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Also coming to the Grand Theater in Tracy, California. I'm not sure where that is, but that's April 25th.
- [57:10]
C
You know what? This is how I find out where I am. This and Instagram. I'm like, these all sound familiar. Maybe I.
- [57:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Do you know where Tracy, California is? You have to use your ways.
- [57:19]
C
It's near Donna. I don't know where Tracy is. No. Do you?
- [57:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, I've never heard of it. I bet it's a. I bet it's a casino.
- [57:30]
C
No, it's not a casino.
- [57:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [57:33]
C
All right. It was sort of a slow ending. Well, we.
- [57:38]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know, we end with your. Your dates. That's the most important thing. And also see the film.
- [57:42]
C
It's called oh, Unbearable Christmas. Okay. I have a good question.
- [57:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [57:48]
C
How many views is your special?
- [57:49]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Up to half a million.
- [57:51]
C
Yeah. That's so great.
- [57:53]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know. It's very exciting.
- [57:54]
C
And they can go all around the world because half a million people around the world are doing it.
- [57:57]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, I was just in. I was in Toronto last weekend, and it was. We sold out the shows, and they all. And I said, how many people seen the special? Three quarters. The crowd had seen it.
- [58:06]
Caroline Ray
It was amazing.
- [58:07]
C
It's so great. What club were you playing?
- [58:09]
Greg Fitzsimmons
The Comedy Bar.
- [58:11]
C
I'm going there.
- [58:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Are you?
- [58:13]
C
Yes. And I've never played. Everyone says it's so good.
- [58:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, it's so good.
- [58:16]
C
You have the soul of a Canadian.
- [58:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I felt like I connected with them. I really did. Like, they're. They're good people. And then I went.
- [58:23]
C
You're going to wish you had the passport of one too soon.
- [58:25]
Caroline Ray
Yeah, I know.
- [58:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And I went to Hamilton also, which.
- [58:28]
C
I'm doing that, too.
- [58:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [58:29]
C
We're probably on the. I do feel like we're on the same path. You're either about to be or, like, I. I'm like, oh, Greg was just here.
- [58:35]
Caroline Ray
Right.
- [58:35]
C
Well, you're the funniest, so.
- [58:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, well, have fun up there. I love you. And thank you so much for coming on it.