David Feldman (Fitzdog Radio #1134) | Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

Fitzdog Radio #1134: David Feldman

Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: David Feldman
Date: April 15, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious, freewheeling conversation, veteran comic David Feldman joins Greg Fitzsimmons for a riotous and deeply personal discussion about comedy, mortality, the legacies of comics, fighting on and offstage, and the emotional spectrum of middle age. There’s equal parts raunchy banter, sharp insight into the craft and business of stand-up, and poignant reflections on family, connection, and the meaning of life. The pair riff on Jewish and Irish roots, comedy gatekeepers, their mentors, hack jokes, and surviving (and thriving) in show business while battling self-doubt, aging, and societal expectations. The tone is irreverently honest, darkly funny, and unexpectedly heartfelt—as only two comics can deliver.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Emotional Vulnerability and Crying (00:58–04:28)

• Greg recounts crying at his birthday party and at watching Rory McIlroy win the Masters, exploring the stigma of male emotion.
• “Why is there shame associated with crying? ... It's almost like in some instances, it's okay if somebody died ... Sports is kind of acceptable for guys, but the full snot coming down your face, that's for the movies.” (03:24–04:09, Greg)
• Discussion on evolutionary function of crying and how movies are a “safe place for us to cry.”

2. On Aging and Being a “Comedy Legend” (10:03–11:15)

• Greg asks how David feels about being called a comedy legend, triggering a hilarious but poignant riff on aging and irrelevance.
• David: “I think it's a good warning ... I just want to give you a warning. He's not home. His soul is still there, but it's slowly seeping away.” (10:44)

3. Health, Moisturizer, and Raunchy Physical Bits (11:51–13:51)

• The two riff on skincare, aging bodies, and Feldman’s especially youthful “shaft.”
• “If you looked at my shaft right now, that is a young man's shaft. And then if you looked at the balls touching my toes, you'd go, okay, that's an old guy.” (12:58–13:08, Feldman)
• Richard Roundtree and “Shaft” puns.

4. Golf, Irish Roots, and Ribald Blarney Stone Jokes (13:54–16:14)

• Greg jokes about Rory McIlroy’s “big cock,” tight pants, and Irish pride.
• They riff on Irish festivals, the Blarney Stone (“blarney hole”), and the hazards of licking it.

5. Jewish Jokes, Israel, and “Who Gets to Joke About What?” (16:37–23:12)

• Feldman delivers a joke about being an Orthodox Jew (“I wipe through a hole in the sheet”).
• Discussion on boundaries with Holocaust and slavery jokes.
• “One of the things about slavery, it's like the Holocaust. ... I'm not going to do any jokes about slavery. ... But if you want to talk about the Holocaust, I can jump.” (21:00–21:20, Feldman)
• Fitzsimmons recounts a joke about Roman slaves that bombed at a college show.

6. The Jewish & Irish Roots of Comedy (25:09–27:39)

• Debate about the dominance of Jews and Irish in comedy writing rooms.
• Feldman frames it as a historical artifact of bigotry and the open doors previously afforded to white men.
• “The Jews and the Irish together make up 90% of the great comedians of all time.” (25:26, Greg)

7. Jewish Identity, Mixed Marriages, and Random Beatles Trivia (27:14–28:17)

• Greg discusses being married to a Jewish woman, using humor to lighten interfaith relationships.
• Trivia: Paul McCartney’s children are Jewish (via Linda Eastman).

8. Hack Jokes, Comedy Gatekeepers, and Comic Mentors (29:33–33:12)

• Discussion of joke theft, “hack police” in Boston and San Francisco scenes, and gatekeepers like Barry Crimmins and Tom Sawyer.
• “The thing about Tom Sawyer is he had rules, but you could break them. ... But if you're going to break his rules, the doors of the room had to come off.” (33:12, Feldman)

9. Stage Fights and Comedy Club Brawls (34:03–37:19)

• Greg tells a wild story about being assaulted on stage by an Israeli cab driver named Simka (“He did some Krav Maga shit on me ... spinning me around the stage by my head.” (36:09–36:25))
• Feldman riffs on his own encounters with the same heckler the following week.

10. Comedians and Identity Stereotypes (38:05–40:00)

• Riffs on the appeal of Irish and Italian stereotypes, Feldman’s affection for Dice Clay (“Who I am a fan of”), and cultural play-acting at comedy shows.

11. The Complexity of Andrew Dice Clay’s Act (40:41–43:17)

• Deep dive on Dice Clay’s infamous sets, Rick Rubin producing his Dangerfield set, and how the audience’s role shapes controversial acts.
• “The funny thing about Dice Clay was he's indefensible. That's the whole point. ... And then we elected Trump.” (43:04, Feldman)

12. Modern Edgy Comics & Comedy Audiences (43:17–44:51)

• Comparison of Anthony Jeselnik’s act to Dice, and how audience compacts about “the joke” have evolved.

13. Political Podcasters, Comedy Divides & Fox News Frustration (45:00–45:52)

• Feldman on frustration with podcasters cosplaying centrists, really just hiding right-wing views.
• “You're a closeted right wing racist, homophobic, transphobic, but you're pretending to listen to both sides.” (45:00, Feldman)

14. Podcast Monetization and Listener Support (46:39–80:47)

• Dissection of Feldman’s podcast business (ads, listener donations, reluctance to ask for money).
• Merch discussion, especially the anti-pride gag: “I hope you’re in the mood for diarrhea” apron.

15. QAnon, Pizzagate, and Epstein Conspiracy Parody (47:34–50:56)

• Feldman explains Adrenochrome, QAnon, and the pizza code in an extended, satirical bit.
• “I have a friend who's obsessed with pizza and he was great friends with Jeffrey Epstein ... arguing over the best pizza place...” (49:56, Feldman)

16. Chopped Liver, Joke Branding, and Unfortunate Product Names (52:09–54:53)

• Jewish food jokes, old ad campaigns (Ayds diet pill), and store names (“Sid’s Furniture”).
• “Can you imagine being a chop liver manufacturer ... it’s the worst thing in the world. And I love chopped liver.” (52:09, Greg)

17. Legacy, Family Connections, and Kevin Meaney (61:19–66:15)

• Greg’s deeply personal story of his lifelong connection to comedian Kevin Meaney, who started as his family’s club waiter.
• Feldman shares how Greg’s father’s encouragement inspired a high school term paper: “I have ... a term paper that I wrote with your Bob Fitzsimmons. Just the greatest guy in the world.” (66:18, Feldman)

18. Mortality, Comedy as Denial of Death, and Afterlife for Comics (69:48–71:44)

• Feldman asserts: “We don't do death. We do resurrection.” (69:48)
• Greg admits to feeling ready for death, despite a good life. Feldman counters, saying he’s excited to wake up each day.

19. Fantasies of Justice, Violence, and Masculinity (73:05–77:06)

• Feldman describes violent revenge fantasies, roleplaying beating up a “right-wing” Porsche-driving guy over sex with Natalie Portman.
• Greg talks about real-life fights as an ice hockey player; the pain of punching and the psychology of confrontation.

20. Parenting, Discipline, and Changing Norms (77:27–78:27)

• Both comics riff on never hitting their children; reflect on “spanking” remaining so accepted in America.

21. Wrapping Up: Podcasting, Legacy, and the Afterparty (83:09–87:30)

• Feldman discusses solo podcasting (“I just talk on my show now”), listener engagement, and mutant merch.
• Greg and David riff until the very end, pushing the limits of taste, before professing affection and wrapping up.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

1. On Comedy and Death

• Feldman: “We don't do death. We do resurrection. We did it right. Every day is Easter for a comedian. At least my act was Easter, because I would die on stage, and then it took about three days, but I'd get the audience back.” (69:48)

2. On Comic Gatekeepers

• Fitzsimmons: “The thing with Barry Crimmins would stand in the back of the room ... and if you did something hacky, he would yell ... 'hack!'” (30:41)
• Feldman: “The thing about Tom Sawyer is he had rules, but you could break them. But if you're going to break his rules, the doors of the room had to come off.” (33:12)

3. On Jewish and Irish Comedy Dominance

• Fitzsimmons: “The Jews and the Irish together make up 90% of the great comedians of all time.” (25:26)

4. On Self-Deprecation and Failure

• Feldman: “I had every opportunity, every advantage. ... If you were a white male, every door was open to you. And I'm still a failure.” (26:29)
• Fitzsimmons: “You were born on third base and you got tagged out leading.” (26:29)

5. On Crying and Male Vulnerability

• Fitzsimmons: “Why is there shame associated with crying? ...In some instances, it's okay if somebody died... Sports is kind of acceptable for guys, but the full snot coming down your face, that's for the movies.” (03:25–04:09)

6. Raunchy Physical Bits

• Feldman: “If you looked at my shaft right now, that is a young man's shaft. And then if you looked at the balls touching my toes, you'd go, okay, that's an old guy.” (12:58)

7. Heartfelt Reflection on Greg’s Dad

• Feldman: “Your father ... was so sweet and so supportive and encouraging, and he said to me, just, you know, they're not going to hire you, you're too young, but you got to stick with it. ... I'm being serious. He was just. He just stuck with me. Like, the memory of him, like, oh, they're nice people in this world.” (66:18)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |----------------|------------------------------------------------------| | 00:58–04:28 | Greg on crying, masculinity, and movie catharsis | | 10:03–11:15 | Aging, legend status, generational torch | | 12:58 | Feldman’s “youthful shaft” bit | | 21:00–22:56 | Holocaust vs slavery jokes boundary | | 25:26–27:39 | Jews & Irish in comedy; gatekeeping | | 29:33–31:18 | Hack jokes & standup police | | 34:03–37:19 | Greg’s onstage brawl with Simka | | 40:41–43:17 | Dice Clay’s Dangerfield set, Rick Rubin, and legacy | | 47:34–50:21 | QAnon, Adrenochrome, and Epstein “pizza” riff | | 61:19–66:18 | Kevin Meaney connection, encouragement, and impact | | 69:48–71:44 | Comedy as resistance to death | | 77:27–78:27 | Parenting, violence, and shifting cultural mores | | 83:09–87:30 | Podcasting, merch, and heartfelt tribute to each other|

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains the raw, fearless, and darkly satirical style both comics are known for—swinging between raunchy and touching, with sharp comic observations and deep industry honesty. There are frequent, rapid-fire riffs, callbacks, and classic inside-comedy references. Both men display disarming candor around difficult topics (emotions, failure, death), revealing the vulnerability behind the comedic bravado.

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Listener Takeaways

• Behind the standup bluster, even comics wrestle with mortality, meaning, and emotion.
• The comedy world is shaped as much by its culture, gatekeepers, and peer respect as by stardom or money.
• Sometimes, humor serves as the last defense against pain, mortality, and societal taboo.
• Legacies are often accidental, built on connections, kindnesses, and moments no one sees.

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To hear David Feldman’s podcast, check out The David Feldman Show (DavidFeldmanShow.com), and support him—just please, don’t buy the “I hope you’re in the mood for diarrhea” apron (unless you want to).

Final words:
"Comedy is the denial of death." — David Feldman (70:22)
"I love you. I really love you." — David Feldman to Greg (87:30)

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This summer, serve up the cookout classics, Oscar Mayer hot dogs and Heinz mustard. Grill up a dog, add classic yellow mustard or loaded Chicago style. We all know it's not a cookout without Oscar Meyer and Hines.

[David Feldman]

You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your [e-mail] to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome, Columbia. Engineered for whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. This is your very emotional emo. I'm your emo host, Greg Fitzsimmons. I cried again. If you listen to the podcast, you'll know I had my birthday last week. I had a huge party and people gave speeches. My best friend, my best friends, all my best friends spoke. My daughter spoke and I cried. I got up to speak and I cried. I choked, literally choked on tears and didn't get out, Hardly any words. Didn't get out, hardly any words. Kind of like now. So it opened up the floodgates and I realized that I had an acting teacher once that said your emotions don't have a bunch of different valves. There's one valve that turns on all the emotions and it's kind of beautiful because, I mean, when you're acting, you're conjuring up emotions all the time. And it's kind of a great way to go through. Life is just feeling everything, good, bad, all of it. And so after I cried on my birthday, I have since cried twice. And it's such a weird. Like, I cried at the Masters this week. I don't know if you watch golf, but if you do, the Masters is the biggest tournament of the year. And Rory McIlroy is this golfer from Northern Ireland. And his father took a job working at a low level at a golf course so that Rory could play. And the mother and the father scrap jobs together to put him through golf school.

And.

And then Rory is now the highest paid golfer of all time and he won the Masters. Did he cheat on his wife with the golf broadcaster from cbs? Cbs, not cbs. Yes, that's alleged. But it's pretty much understood that he did Amanda something and she interviews him after he wins tournaments. Now, him and his wife split up over it and then they got back together again. But he still gets interviewed by this one Anyway, so he wins the tournament, and then he goes and he hugs his mother and his father. And I cried like a little bitch. And my wife was sitting next to me, and I was hiding my tears. I pretended I was wiping my forehead. I was really wiping my eyes. And I thought, why do I feel shame right now? Why is there shame associated with crying? I guess, especially for men, it's not manly. It's not. It's weak. Um, and it's almost like in. In some instances, it's okay if somebody died. It's got to be someone real close. Someone died. Sports is kind of acceptable for guys, but the full snot coming down your face, that's for the movies. Like, we don't accept crying except in the movies. Then we give you a fucking. If you got snot running down your face and your sob, we give you an Oscar for that. We reward it because we need it. It's a safe place for us to cry.

[David Feldman]

You.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why movie theaters are dark. That's why they give you napkins with your popcorn. It's not for the popcorn. It's for the crying. We like to sit in that dark room and actually express an emotion like a human being and feel something. But I thought about it.

What.

What is crying even? Like, what.

Why?

If there is evolution, what. What was the trait of crying that somehow helped us in nature? Like, if you're being attacked by another caveman and you start crying, do you think he's gonna be like, hey, guys, guys, guys, let's take it easy on this guy? He's. He's a mess. He's. He's sobbing.

Let's.

Let's go to the next cave. No, that's the guy they go after. They target the guy who's crying. So I guess for men, it's not. I don't know.

But why.

Why do we. What is it even. It's this physical thing you can't stop or control, like, jerking off. I'm doing it on purpose, and I know when it's going to happen. Crying can just happen during a Hallmark commercial, and it's physical, and it's such a weird phenomenon. It's an indication to people that they've touched you in some way. Anyway, that's it. All right. I shouldn't talk long. I got a great guest today. Should I just get right to it? Uh, I'm going to be at Bakersfield, California at the well on April 18th, and I'll be in Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club April 24th, and 25th Brea Improv One Night, May 8th, Boston at Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th. Then right after that, I'm going up to Rochester, New Hampshire, to the Opera House and Agunkwit, Maine to play Jonathan's. That's the first week of June, I think you can get tickets at my website, but you may have to go directly to the clubs. I'm a little behind in updating my dates. I'm sorry. But you know, what I'm not behind in is checking on my finances. I realized a while ago that I had a lot of annual fees. I had a lot of subscriptions to things that I got and forgot I got. And that shit was adding up. And when you get Rocket Money, when you sign up for raw, when you join Rocket Money, let me tell you something. You will save. So they have saved $880 million for people. And it also tracks your spending. So, you know, sometimes you make bad decisions. You think on a Tuesday, hey, let's do this. And then Thursday, you're like, what was I thinking? And you're not even sure how you're necessarily spending your money. That's why Rocket Money is great. It lays it all out in a way that your brain understands. You can see all the spending, all the subscriptions, everything in one place. You don't have to dig through a bunch of different apps and credit card statements. And it's in categories, so it shows where your money is actually going, not where you think it's going. And it's kind of humbling. It's a humbling experience. You can set budgets, you can get alerts, and if something big hits and just stay ahead of it instead of reacting after the damage is done. And if there is stuff you're not using anymore, you can cancel it right in the app with a few taps. That was the best part. That was so gratifying. That felt like taking a shower after going to Coachella and just getting the filth off of you and the stink off of you. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster.

Join.

That's rocketmoney.com fitzdog rocketmoney.com fitzdog Use my code. You don't save anything. But again, it's a way to give a heads up to these companies that you're hearing about their product through the podcast that I believe in it. Maybe that made you believe in it. So put it in there. Help us out. Come on, people. Be with us. My guest today. Oh, my God, this guy, he's won several Emmys. Daytime. I like my Emmys. I got. He got nighttime Emmys. I got. I got four Daytime Emmys. He's got three. He wrote. He got Emmys writing for Bill Maher and Dennis Miller. And was it Letterman? He's written for everybody. This guy's a beast. And he's a great comic. He's been doing it forever. He's a comics comic. He's somebody that everybody respects. Everybody quote, quotes super cool guy. We've done each other's podcasts a lot. I really love him.

I do.

I love this guy. And I talked to him yesterday, and here is my chat with the great David Feldman.

[David Feldman]

Foreign.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Welcome to my guest, the great David Feldman. Here's the thing that you get sometimes at our age, and you're. You're considerably older than I am, but they start to call you a legend. Like, the MC will go, this next guy's a legend. How do you feel about that? When they say that about you?

[David Feldman]

You talk about the aging process.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, no, just the. Just the sort of deference that's given to you when you get brought up on stage. Like, do you. Do you enjoy being called a legend or do you feel like that that's sort of putting you on a dusty shelf with.

[David Feldman]

I think it's a good warning. I think it's like when you're about to see grandpa, kids, it's. I just want to give you a warning. This is. He's not home. This is. The body is just a vessel. His soul is still there, but it's. It's slowly seeping away. And I just want to prepare you because it's. You're young. You shouldn't have to experience this at such a young age. But Grandpa's checking out. Please welcome David Feldman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then don't look into his eyes while he's performing, or he may just collapse because nobody looks at him anymore in his real life. There's not a stranger on the street that sets their gaze on this guy ever.

[David Feldman]

No. I'm like the ark from Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you look into me, you begin to melt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yes.

[David Feldman]

Hasn't been good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Well, I just turned 60 this week, so. Thank you. Thank you for saying that.

[David Feldman]

You look. I swear to God, you look like you haven't turned 60 yet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[David Feldman]

We're walking down the street and I said, that guy does not. That guy looks like he's 59 and three quarters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's how good you look. Well, the thing is, I use a lot of moisturizer, but I don't put it on my face. I put it on my cocktail. So you should see how young my cock looks constantly.

[David Feldman]

Well, you know what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you know what the crazy thing is? I take my. I shouldn't talk too much. She's in the next room. I take my wife's, like, Estee Lauder High End Facial Deep Wrinkle Moisturizer. And I.

[David Feldman]

I mean, since you came on the screen, all the wrinkles in my cock have disappeared.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[David Feldman]

I'm tumescent. That usually happens when I'm tumescent. The wrinkles disappear. It's like I have tumescent. That means aroused.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No kidding. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And I'm fully erect and there are no wrinkles on the shaft.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[David Feldman]

So that's my. If you looked at my shaft right now, that is a young man's shaft. And then if you looked at the balls touching my toes, you'd go, okay, that's an old guy. That's an old guy who should wear a towel in the sauna. But he's not, because.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But the shaft, that's. The beautiful thing about the erection is it's ageless. I mean, even when you're young, you've got varicose veins on the top of the shaft. Right.

[David Feldman]

And I like calling the shaft because it makes it sound like I'm Richard Roundtree.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know who that is.

[David Feldman]

Wasn't he the star of Shaft?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay, good.

[David Feldman]

Like he had a rock solid shaft.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I just.

[David Feldman]

A big shaft.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you know who's got a big dick? I realized this weekend. You don't watch the Masters. You don't watch golf, right?

[David Feldman]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Even though the Masters is based on the fact that they were slave masters, like, did that country club. That doesn't appeal to you in any way?

[David Feldman]

No, I don't watch golf.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So there's a golfer named Rory McElroy, and he's from Belfast, from Northern Ireland, and he has the biggest cock. He wears tight pants and he's constantly adjusting his cockpit. And it's just so he's got a putter.

[David Feldman]

You mean a nice putter there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's got a nice putter. Yeah. It's got a good shaft. And it's just so incongruous with the Masters, where everything is like, you can't have your cell phone out. You have to have a collared shirt, you know, and then here's the best golfer in the league. And he's got his cock protruding in his green polyester slacks.

[David Feldman]

Wow. Maybe I will watch golf now. I'm in. Is he from County Cock? Didn't we play County Cock? Is it weird? Isn't County Cock where the Irish Comedy Festival is?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's Kilkenny.

[David Feldman]

That's Kilkenny. That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yeah. But there is a County Cock. That's where you kiss the blarney stone in County Cock.

[David Feldman]

Yes, that's where I got herpes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You kiss some stones down there, they

[David Feldman]

don't wash the stone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they don't, actually. I had a friend.

[David Feldman]

Have you ever done Blarney Stone after hours where they turn it around and you see the other side of the blarney hole? You get to lick the blarney hole instead of kiss the blarney stone?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Feldman]

It's for after hours. You have to pay a little extra for that blarney.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. If you kiss it, it gives you good luck. But if you lick the other side of the hole, you can achieve maximum girth and thrush.

[David Feldman]

I caught thrush from licking the Barney hole. My advice, unless you're my age and you're going to County Cork, just kiss the blarney Stone. Don't let them make you pay extra to turn it over with Blarney Hole.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's kind of our wailing wall, isn't it? Is it the same thing as the wailing wall? Yeah.

[David Feldman]

I've stuck a couple things in the wailing wall.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was it wailing before you put the things in?

[David Feldman]

Oh, it wasn't. Oh. You know what? I have a joke that I wrote.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, here we go.

[David Feldman]

So this sets me up for a joke that I came up with while talking to my son. I am an Orthodox Jew. I'm very Orthodox. I wipe through a hole in the sheet. I was talking. My son and I tried to gross each other out, and he went, oh, that's really good. Like, he stopped and he goes, you wipe through a hole in the sheet. That's funny. You should use that. I thought. Yeah. It's always good to tell people you're an Orthodox Jew.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So what's going on in Israel these days?

[David Feldman]

I don't know. I think Trump is the biggest friend Israel's ever had.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it seems like it.

[David Feldman]

Huh. I think the war is going fantastic. I don't pay too close attention, but he's the greatest president we've ever had and everything's going to be great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I just. I just. It's. It's good to See that?

[David Feldman]

Can we not talk? You know what? How many times have you been out to dinner with friends and you say, isn't this great? We haven't talked about Trump.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know.

[David Feldman]

Can we not talk?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, let's talk about this.

[David Feldman]

That's all I talk about, is Donald Trump.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, all right. Let's forget about Trump and talk about this. I always research my guests because, like you, I am a professional host. I take it very seriously. I'm a professional. I consider myself a broadcaster.

[David Feldman]

You're the best.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, thank you.

[David Feldman]

You are. You are the best. You're prepared and you're like Mike Wallace for 60 Minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I like that.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. I was going to make a mean joke about his. But in that you relax me and I forget that you have a big audience and I destroy my career every day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have not only your career, but you strained your relationship with your ex

[David Feldman]

wife, which ex wife? Number two. Number three. Yes, there were. So we want to be careful here because you relax me and then I forget that there are other people listening to this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[David Feldman]

And then it comes back to hurt me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Well, you know, that's the thing about Fitz dog radio. It lulls you in and then a finger goes right up your ass and you go, wow.

[David Feldman]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So here's what I did in my research for you as well.

[David Feldman]

This is what I love about doing. It's like, I feel like it's been. I've been to the dog groomer and you've expressed my anal sex. I'm no longer. After I do your show, I'm no longer scooting my asshole around the carpet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So once a year, you got to come on and express. You got to express yourself.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That should be the name of the podcast.

[David Feldman]

Express my anal sax.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Express my anal sex.

[David Feldman]

What are anal sax, by the way?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like an alto sax, except that your voice goes higher.

[David Feldman]

Wow. The anal sacks. I love that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So here's what I realized in my research of you, is that your middle name, and I hope we talk about this for a good 10 minutes, is Beauregard.

[David Feldman]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, is that a Jewish name? That sounds like a redneck name. Beauregard.

[David Feldman]

I'm named in honor of my great, great grandfather from the south who wasn't named Beauregard, but he always wanted to own slaves. So that was. He was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, if he was your great great grandfather.

[David Feldman]

My great great grandfather was from the South. He always wanted to be a slaveholder.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

Right.

[David Feldman]

So his name was Chaim, but in honor of great Great grandfather Chaim, wanting to own slaves. My middle name is Beauregard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kind of a native dog grandfather, wasn't he? He was old enough to. He was around slaves. Right. It was before they were. Before that.

[David Feldman]

It was. It was the antebellum South.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I.

[David Feldman]

You know what? I've. One of the things about slavery, it's like the Holocaust.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

So, like, I'll joke about the Holocaust. I'm not going to do any jokes about slavery. That's not my. But if you want to talk about the Holocaust, I can jump. But making jokes about slavery is not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that's. That's touching because it was.

[David Feldman]

It was a Holocaust. It really was. They. We. We. You and I, are of a generation where they kind of sanitized slavery.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Was the Holocaust.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[David Feldman]

So, you know. So it's not ours to joke about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it is, because.

[David Feldman]

Have you ever seen their sketches? I don't want to talk about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. But what's funny is I did a joke. I used to do this. It was just a stupid joke. And I was at a. I did a college show in Minneapolis, outside of Minneapolis, and I go, yeah. So I was in college, too. I said. I was on the college rowing team, and I didn't know much about the sport other than what I'd seen in those ancient Roman slave ship movies. I showed up to the first practice with a huge drum and a whip. But we won the league that year, and we sold off some of the Harvard students as slaves in the Adriatic Sea. So whatever. Stupid joke. But then these two black women stand up and they start screaming at me, you ain't coming here and talking about motherfucking slaves. And I go, they were Roman. I go, they were white. They were white slaves.

[David Feldman]

Probably Jewish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Probably Jewish. And they wouldn't. They wouldn't calm down. And they stormed out and they made a scene, and the show ended early, and I got a letter sent to my agents. I said, I got to stop doing colleges. There's too many black people.

[David Feldman]

You know what the Jewish Roman slaves were? Here's 50 bucks. You wrote, my back hurts. The Jewish slaves. I don't buy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is the worst cruise you've ever gotten us on, Moishe. There's no buffet.

[David Feldman]

Where's the Alaska Crab?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They don't even have a place to. Schmitz.

[David Feldman]

Well, you know, there's a theory, Freud has a theory that Moses and the Jews really weren't slaves in Egypt, that they were just a separate tribe that invaded. This is Freud.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Because it really is hard to Believe the Jews built the pyramids, Isn't it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they have launched a lot of pyramid schemes in this country.

[David Feldman]

Bernie Madoff. So Freud had a theory that Moses was just an invading army. He just brought some people in and they took over and they decided we're the Jews.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So who built the pyramids?

[David Feldman]

The Jews subcontracted. They took all the. I don't want to. In this day and age with all the antisemitism.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God, there's so much of it.

[David Feldman]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's amazing.

[David Feldman]

Just in my house alone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just on Bill Maher's show alone. Wait, now, does he defend Israel or does he.

[David Feldman]

I think he is a big defender of Israel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. And, you know, I'm a big defender of Ireland, and, you know, that's tough. We're not. We're pretty loathsome people. We were. We were.

[David Feldman]

Hey, you'll get no argument from me on that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I'm not hearing any. Not hearing any pushback on that at all. Come on, Feldman.

[David Feldman]

No, I love the Irish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, look at Kevin Rooney, one of

[David Feldman]

the great comedy writers, one of the greatest comedians are. Are Irish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kevin Meaney.

[David Feldman]

I hate to, you know, sweeping generalizations, but the Irish are, I mean, great writers and great comedians.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is. I would say, honestly, the Jews and the Irish together make up 90% of the great comedians of all time.

[David Feldman]

Well, I would say they make up. Well, we're talking. First of all, I would say they did make up most of the writing rooms.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[David Feldman]

But that's not saying so much about Jews and Irish as it is about bigotry and sexism and racism. I mean, I started at a time. If you were a white male, every door was open to you. And I'm still a failure. I mean, that's the thing about. That's so depressing is I look back and I had every opportunity, every advantage. I mean, people, when I was coming up, every opportunity in show business, and I blew each one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You were born on third base and you got tagged out leading. You were just leading.

[David Feldman]

I was born on third and thrown out at first. I mean, I had.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, when I think about. And then, you know, it's. The Jews run entertainment. On top of you being white and male and straight, you're Jewish. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

But, you know, if you did an audit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

You would find it's not as many Jews as you think it is. It's just the ones who are there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

It feels like there's a lot of them, but there are numerical. It's. It's you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's very mixed.

[David Feldman]

Aren't you married. Aren't you married to a Jewish woman?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I am to a Jew. I get to say a Jew because we're married. If you're just. If you're dating, you have to be like, this is my girlfriend. She's Jewish. Ish. And then you get married and you're like, what's for dinner? Jew? It feels good. It feels good. I married in.

[David Feldman]

You know, Paul McCartney's children are Jewish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Paul McCartney?

[David Feldman]

Well, he. Linda Eastman was Jewish. I didn't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[David Feldman]

Have you heard James McCartney sing? He. He has a new album out. I'm being serious. I don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's Paul's son.

[David Feldman]

He's Paul's son. And it's like, remember Julian Lennon in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Julian Lennon was fantastic.

[David Feldman]

You start to cry because it's like. And you look at. I'm pretty sure his name is James McCarthy, but if you want a young Paul, you'll start crying hearing him sing. Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

It's a beautiful voice, and he just knows how to write a catchy tune that isn't precious. You know, Paul McCarty just writes songs. He just, you know, he's like us with jokes. He just churns out songs. And if one of them is good, you just. And the son either inherited anyway. Not fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, have you heard James Malloy sing?

[David Feldman]

Who is James Malloy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He is one of the children that Michael Jackson molested, and he has the most beautiful. And I don't think he had that voice before the molestation.

[David Feldman]

Really? And his name is James Malloy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

James Malloy.

[David Feldman]

Was he a dancer, too?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, he wasn't until the molestation. And then that kid danced after that.

[David Feldman]

Was he leaving Neverland?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[David Feldman]

So was he the kid that Michael Jackson traveled with and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. I made up the name.

[David Feldman]

Oh. Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Made up the whole concept.

[David Feldman]

One of my sons went to school, middle school, with one of the kids molested by Michael Jackson.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was he voted most likely to win a major law?

[David Feldman]

He was voted most likely to suck seed. Now, I came up with that joke 30 years ago, and Will Durst told me that, and I stopped doing it. He said, that's an old joke. I go, really? I've never heard. You know, I used to. I don't mean to brag, but in high school, I was voted most likely to suck seed. And I think Will Durst just didn't want me to do the joke because he felt it was beneath me. So he told me. It's an old. Have you ever heard anybody say Most likely to suck seed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that's all you.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. I think Will was protecting me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

You don't want to be known as the guy who sucks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think Will Durst was the west coast version of Barry Crimmins.

[David Feldman]

Yes, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They were the same guy.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They were there to make sure that you did not become a hack. They were the hack police.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the thing with Barry Crimmins would stand in the back of the room at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge, and if you did something hacky, he would yell. With a cigar in his hand, he would yell hack.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like in the middle of. David Cross would be doing set. If he did one thing that was a little bit hacky, he would yell at him.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was the best.

[David Feldman]

The thing is, you started in Boston, I started in San Francisco. And stage time, good stage time was hard to get because there were gatekeepers unlike anywhere else. Maybe New York City. But I think Boston and San Francisco, you had people who. Tastemakers, who wouldn't allow you on stage if you were vulgar, racist, or you

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

sounded like another comedian, or you sounded like a derivative.

[David Feldman]

So I spent 12 years in San Francisco trying to please the tastemakers. And then I go to LA and I'm looking at everybody who is selling out arenas thinking, these guys couldn't get stage time in San Francisco or Boston. They wouldn't be allowed on stage. Who's better off?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. I know. I still feel like I've never cared about any aspect of comedy as much as the respect of my peers.

[David Feldman]

Or Tom Sawyer from Cobbs. Yes, Tom Sawyer. When I was starting out, he was like the Barry Crimmins Tom was. I knew him when he was a comic and you wanted his approval. And the problem with Tom was he was right. And so you really had. It's like before you had a audition for Conan or Letterman. Well, like when you have to audition for Conan and Letterman, that's looking in the mirror and finding out what exactly you have. It used to be that way. Not anymore. Now you can. But the big test was Robert Morton. Whoever is in town, they're looking. And then you have to look in the mirror and go, what do I have? And, you know, but. And Tom Sawyer was that guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

He could just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And he brought up a lot of people like Jake Johansson, Jim Carrey. Call a poundstone.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And. And I was honored when I got in at that club. That was one of the first clubs I headlined. And he. We became very close and he had rules.

[David Feldman]

The great thing about Tom Sawyers he had rules, but you could break them. But you had to be. But if you're going to break his rules, the doors of the room had to come off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right, right, right. I'm sorry.

[David Feldman]

I'm interrupting you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He also, one night I was on stage and there was some hecklers. You know that back pocket. There was like a little back pocket of the room that was by the door that went into the kitchen. And there was. There was some real gang bangers sitting back there from Oakland. They were from Oakland and they were yelling at me. And then one of them stood up and he started charging the stage. And Tom Sawyer, who was 5 foot 6, fucking stood in front of that guy and grabbed him and stopped him from coming on stage. I'll always remember that.

[David Feldman]

Now, do you do. Do you find. Have you ever. Or is it. Is this too touchy? Have you ever been assaulted on stage?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[David Feldman]

Really? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. When I was in Boston, I was only doing it for a few years, and I was at, ironically, Stitches comedy club in Boston. You probably remember that club.

[David Feldman]

I think somebody ended up getting killed. No, no, no, that's the other one. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So there was a Jewish singles night. It was like a mixer that this. This kid from Harvard used to produce. And they would get all these. These girls would come in, Jewish girls and Jewish guys. And then they would go to a comedy show. And then afterwards they would have like a little mixer. And so this guy shows up, and he was an Israeli cab driver, and I remember his name was Simka. And so. Because that was the name of the village idiot in Woody Allen's movie Love and Death. So I'll always remember that that was his name. And so he sits up front and he starts. He's alone, and in his mind, he's going to a Jewish night, and they are going to love him because he is a real Jew, he's from Israel. But, you know, these are all these rich Long island girls from Boston University that want to, you know, hook up with a pre med student. And so I'm on stage and he starts trying to stand out. So he's heckling me. And I already was pretty good at dealing with hecklers early on. So I start shitting on him. He's coming at me. We go back and forth. I'm starting to get the upper hand. And then he looks at me and he goes, nothing more, nothing more. And so I said, all right, Simka, let me know when your friends get here. And he just got up on stage, fist clenched, came at me. I had the microphone in my hand is one of those old, like, you know, 90s microphones with like the metal mesh on top, like a Game of Thrones weapon. And I cracked him across the forehead.

[David Feldman]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he was bleeding and then got me into a headlock and he did some Krav Maga shit on me. And he's like spinning me around the stage by my head. The bouncers are out front smoking a joint, so they're not there. And so the crowd. And it's Boston, so the crowd stands up. And so I actually had two friends at the show that were at the bar and they made their way on stage. They pulled Simca off of me and then the bouncers were there and they threw him out. They didn't like press charges or get his name or whatever, and so they threw him out. And the show had stopped. And so then the club owner, this guy Harry Conforti, says to me, they set the tables back up, they get everybody drinks. And he goes, all right, Fitzsimmons, you got five minutes left. And they set me back up and I walked on stage.

[David Feldman]

Good for him. Good for him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was great. Best thing he could have done for me. So I walk on stage and I get a standing ovation because it's Boston and they'd rather see a fist fight than a comedy show. And so they're cheering and they're cheering and then they finally calm down and I go, all right, who's next? Like I hadn't just gotten my ass kicked in front of 200 people.

[David Feldman]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

I remember this because I played a week later, same Jewish mixer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[David Feldman]

And Simcha showed up and I laid into him. I called his mother a hewer and his sister a hewer. And he rushed the stage and he got into the Krav Magrav pose. And I went, simcha, look over there, a dollar. And

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

that's all I needed to do.

[David Feldman]

Oh, you just say, look over there, a dollar. And you just. I can tell that joke because I'm a self hating Jew, it's okay for me to tell that joke. But you at home can't tell that joke because it perpetuates stereotypes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And I do feel like as an Irish person, I have perpetuated a lot of Irish stereotypes. I mean, just that story alone, like fighting a lot.

[David Feldman]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Drinking a lot.

[David Feldman]

It's a good stereotype.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I guess so. I think Jews are always enamored by Irish guys that fight.

[David Feldman]

Yes. Yeah, we love Italians.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

We want to look Italian. We secretly Love Italians.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, Dice Clay, right? Huh? Dice Clay.

[David Feldman]

Dice Clay, yeah. Who I am a fan of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, he's Jewish and he acts Italian.

[David Feldman]

I know. I think he. When he was pissing everybody off, he made me laugh, partly because he was pissing everybody off. And it was an act.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[David Feldman]

And, you know, I said when he was playing, you know, when he was selling out Madison Square Garden, and this was. People don't realize that he was selling out Madison Square Garden. This was like the early 90s. I would watch the audience and they were play acting. And I maintained that you could take the same audience and put them at the other cafe in San Francisco to see Paula Poundstone and that they. Well, I don't know. Maybe not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That they would sort of be malleable. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

That under the right circumstances, they would. If you acclimate them properly. You went to a Dice Clay to act like a Trump supporter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[David Feldman]

You know, it's like, hey, we get to, you know, dress a certain way and act. It was a celebration of stupidity.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. People have different aspects to their personalities. Right. You know, and they come out like, I. I know when I hang out with my. I don't know why, but my college friends, we get very male. We get very, like. We say chicks and things that I would never say as an adult, but when I'm with them, I say chicks, you know, and, you know, I don't go to strip clubs anymore, but, like, we would go to strip clubs when I was younger and act like douchebags. But, yeah, you can't judge Dice by his audience. You have to judge him by what he was doing on stage. And that album he did, was it called the Night Comedy Died?

[David Feldman]

I don't remember.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He did this thing where he had just done Madison Square Garden and Rick Rubin was going to produce his next standup album, the Musical.

[David Feldman]

Rick?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Have you seen his Hulu show with Paul McCartney?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I heard. It's amazing.

[David Feldman]

It's amazing. So Rick. I didn't know Rick Rubin. Rick Rubin. He's like Larry Charles. Rick Rubin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is like, go ahead.

[David Feldman]

Right, sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's. He's so. He, you know, he gets Dice and he wants to do it album, but he goes, we can't do. You just did Madison Square Garden. People saw that. It was filmed. It was played. People know it. Let's. Let's do something, you know, And Rick Rubin's always about drawing you out. He doesn't tell you what to do. He just says, let's find something. And Dice said, well, you Know, really my home is Dangerfield and I go on there late at night. So one night they miked the room and he showed up unannounced at like midnight. So there's about 30 people in the room. They've already seen. They've already seen 15 comics, right? And Dice walks in and these were not people that came to see Dice Clay. And he walks on stage and he does kind of new shit, but in a way that was so unapologetic. And as people are leaving, he's commenting on it, he's going, look at you, honey. You got a look on your face like you want to fucking suck a twat. You know? And I mean, he is laying into the crowd, but he's doing his act and he's unflappable. It was a situation that would make any other comedian squirm. And they captured it and he bombed. I mean, he was bombing. It was an hour of Clay bombing a week after he had done Madison Square Garden.

[David Feldman]

And can you, can you get this album?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's streaming. It's on Spotify.

[David Feldman]

I didn't know that Rick Rubin did that. And you have to say the people who still crap on Dice. Rick Rubin. An argument could be made. Is our George Martin. I don't want to. You know, if Rick Rubin saw something in Andrew Dice Clay, maybe some people should reevaluate his earlier work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

The funny thing about Dice Clay was he's indefensible. That's the whole point. It's like, no, you can't defend it. That's why it's funny. And then we elected Trump.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, who's the modern Dice Cliff? I mean, I feel like. What's his name? Who's the good looking blonde guy? Me. Is that how you see yourself?

[David Feldman]

That's how I look in the mirror. I see, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is a self hating Jew. You see an Aryan, but you see. Yeah, yeah. Jeselnik, Anthony Jeselnik, I love. Jeselnik is sort of like Clay in the sense it's totally indefensible, but somehow he doesn't draw a crowd that is misogynistic or is showing the misogynistic side of themselves.

[David Feldman]

Right. Well, there's a compact, an unsaid agreement that Jesel Nick makes with the audience, which is, I'm going to say horrible, horrible things. You know, it's a lie, but it's gonna be horrible. But, you know, none of it is true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

So that's the deal he makes with his audience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[David Feldman]

He's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And he's really. There's been a lot of drama between him and other comedians over the last few years.

[David Feldman]

Well, he's a liberal. He's left a center, isn't he?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And he's gone after. He's. I agree with every criticism he's made, or at least I haven't heard everything. But, you know, I like Jelnick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you go down that road at all? Do you ever attack other podcasters or comedians?

[David Feldman]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you were to, who would you go after?

[David Feldman]

I think sometimes, I think when, when they were endorsing Trump, I got pissed off. There's a game that some of them play and they learned it from Bill O'Reilly. I have an open mind. I'm just trying to listen to both sides. And you're not. You're a closeted right wing racist, homophobic, transphobic, but you're pretending to listen to both sides. And that's what Fox News pretends to do. Then at the end, they go, I'm voting for Trump. And you go, no, you were always voting for Trump. You had Bernie on your show, but you were always voting for Trump. So it's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let me ask you this. I went to your website. Is it called the David Feldman Show?

[David Feldman]

Right. It hasn't been updated, I think, since.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it has your dates at the Troubadour.

[David Feldman]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which has been out of business for 15 years now.

[David Feldman]

I've been opening for. I'm at the Troubadour opening for the Smothers Brothers. I hear John Lennon is coming to see us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I went to your website and, you know, I perused and one of the things I noticed was like, I wondered, like, all right, David Feldman makes his living. Ostensibly. You still write for TV shows.

[David Feldman]

Less and less.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Less and less. So you're ostensibly making your living with this podcast that you do, if you

[David Feldman]

want to call it a living.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I noticed there's crates in the background, so maybe you're halfway out the door.

[David Feldman]

I sell secondhand adrenochrome. I don't want to get into adrenochrome. I don't want to get into. It's life affirming and life giving, and it's for QAnon people. And I don't want to describe what you need to do in order to farm and harvest the adrenochrome, but that's how I make most of my money, selling adrenochrome to Hillary and Tom Hanks. And it's a QAnon thing. You don't know what adrenochrome is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've never heard of that. Is it like baby's blood or something?

[David Feldman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what QAnon People from QAnon said that the Comet pizza. Can I tell you a funny story about this?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, please.

[David Feldman]

And I have to tell you up front that it's funny because it's not funny. Some saying. Can I tell you a funny story? So you know to politely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we're backing into an unfunny bit.

[David Feldman]

So I have, I'm not gonna mention any names.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[David Feldman]

But I have an acquaintance who knew Jeffrey Epstein.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I know who it is.

[David Feldman]

I don't wanna mention any of that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. So

[David Feldman]

during in 2016, let me bore everybody. The Russians hacked into Hillary and the DNC's database. They got all the emails and they decided that code for child trafficking was pizza. Do you know about this?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I know that that is the code for it. Yeah, I know that's where it came from. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

That Podesta and Hillary Clinton and all The Democrats in 2016 were writing emails. How's the pizza in this town? How's the, you know, Hillary's going to Michigan. Can you recommend some good pizza? And when those emails got hacked, QAnon said, oh, pizza is code for young children. And the whole thing started where Tom Hanks, I mean, except for the fact that it's evil, it's genius that they're trafficking young children in the basement of Comet pizza in Washington D.C. and they are skinning children, wearing their skin and drinking their blood. So because of the life giving properties of adrenochrome, which is from I think Joseph Heller or it was an idea of maybe Hunter Thompson came up with this idea that drinking adrenochrome as a joke from babies will give you life giving property. So that was the. That is the QAnon theory, that is what got Donald Trump elected, is he was come in and clean up the child sex trafficking ring in a deep dark state. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Anytime. There were all these. So I have a friend who's obsessed with pizza and he was great friends with Jeffrey Epstein. And when the Epstein files came out, there are emails back and forth where they're arguing over the best pizza place, like where you get good pizza in New York City.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And I'm thinking everybody who reads this thinks he's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. One of the lines was Jeffrey said, I know you're coming to town, we'll get you some great pizza. And I was like, oh shit, I didn't.

[David Feldman]

So you know What I'm talking about. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And this guy is obsessed with pizza. Like, whenever he's in town, we go get pizza and then we molest children. But it was so. I remember reading that and going, anyway,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

now, I love this. I love that. Three days ago, Melania came out and vigorously defended herself against charges that have yet to be lodged by anybody.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's getting so far ahead of this story that there isn't even a story yet. And it was three days ago.

[David Feldman]

She's getting her arms around it like it's a four year old girl. We don't. We. The reason I can make jokes about that is I was molested.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How old were you?

[David Feldman]

42. My father. And he touched my imaginary friend. He used to. I had an imaginary friend. And my father used to crawl into bed with my imaginary friend and whisper. Yeah. He said, don't say anything. And I would lie there while my father was molesting my imaginary friend. I go, what am I? Chop liver? It's terrible. It's terrible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know who I feel bad for? In this world, there's a lot of products that people sell that, you know, have a stink on them. But can you imagine being a chop liver manufacturer, salesperson, and all anybody ever says is, what am I? Chopped liver. Like, it's the worst thing in the world. And I love chopped liver.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. Some eggs on it, some crackers.

[David Feldman]

Unbelievable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Remember the AIDS diet pill?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, there was.

[David Feldman]

There was an AIDS diet pill.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was an appetite suppressant called aids.

[David Feldman]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And then something spelled a little differently came around, and it was a much stronger way to lose weight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. The pounds just fell off.

[David Feldman]

Fell off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And there was. There was also a children's. I'm not making this up. You lived in la. There was a children's furniture store, and it was called Sid's Furniture.

[David Feldman]

And they made cribs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They made cribs. No, I swear to God, I'm not making that up.

[David Feldman]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sid's Furniture. Children's furniture.

[David Feldman]

Sid. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Syndrome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[David Feldman]

I had not. When I was a baby, I had not so Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. They kept. My mother kept putting me face down on the pillow. It was not so sudden. And then Child Protective Services came in. Remember Corona beer?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[David Feldman]

Coronavirus. And people thought, are we gonna have to change our name?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. Do you remember?

[David Feldman]

My last name isn't Feldman. My grandparents changed it during World War II.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was it?

[David Feldman]

Originally, 6 million dead from the Holocaust. And they said, you know, maybe 6 million dead from the Holocaust is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are the odds? I don't know if they got the exact number.

[David Feldman]

They got the exact number and they said, let's change it to Feldman. But it was a beautiful name. Six Million Deaths from the Holocaust Awards.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, what about the police are 9 11. And that's what you dialed on that day in 2001. That one actually worked out really well.

[David Feldman]

You're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And what are the odds? Now think about this. Lou Gehrig, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Had ALS and he played for the Yankee, and they were American League A L s, and he died from a. What are the odds that Lou Gehrig would die from ALS and be an American Leaguer, Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, what about this? What about Magic Johnson? Got aids and he's still alive and his name is Magic.

[David Feldman]

So the Lou Gehrig joke that I just did, what are the odds? Because everybody goes, what are the odds that Lou Gehrig would die from Lou Gehrig's disease? So I used to do that in my act about the als, because it was to shit on people who did the Lou Gehrig. So one of my first jobs was writing for Dennis Miller, the show on hbo. And I had done his talk show, but we hadn't really met. He hired me based on my packet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Your package or your packet.

[David Feldman]

The thing you submit into his mouth. My packet. Can you take a look at my. No, you had to put a writing packet, and he, you know, he would read it blindly. He didn't care, you know, so. So he. I was lucky enough to get hired, and now I still haven't met him, but we're writing, you know, for the promos, like, jokes, like a month before the show starts, and we haven't gone into the office, and there was a terrible plane accident, and I almost got fired giving him this joke I wrote. A terrible plane accident. Every time there's a plane accident, they dig up the black box, and it's so depressing. You hear the pilots screaming for their mothers. I hate hearing the audio of the pilots realizing they're going to die. If only they can make the black box out of the same material they make the fuselage of the plane. So I get a call from the head writer going, I had to explain to Dennis. He was quickly reading your joke, and he thought you were doing the. Why can't they make the plane out

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

of the black box? Yeah, right.

[David Feldman]

I said, no, no. He goes, I had to explain to Dennis because he's reading a million jokes. That was a play on the. That joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious. Oh, my God. I can remember when I first started out, there was a few of us that, you know, kind of started. Me, Joe Rogan, Tom Cotter, Al Ducharme. We kind of all started at the same time. And we would go and we would do these hell gigs, and if the crowd was really, really bad and we were together, we would just start doing the hackiest jokes. We would do the black box joke. We would do this heckler the other day. He's in the back of the room screaming, I fucked your mother. Hey, I fucked your mother. It's like, dad, shut up. We had, like, literally 10. 10 minutes of the hackiest jokes, and whoever went on first got to do most of them. And then if we forgot something, then the other guys would do those, you know, guy walks in late. Can I get you anything? Like a watch?

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And those were some of the funnest shows I've ever done in my life, where you have absolutely no care for the audience at all. And it's. You're just doing it for the other comedians.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who was your crew when you first started?

[David Feldman]

Well, I started in San Francisco. So who did I start with? John Ross.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, sure.

[David Feldman]

Larry Brown, Bubbles Brown, Jake Johansson, Stephen Pearl, Jeremy Kramer. I mean, San Francisco when I was Jeremy Kramer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

People don't know him. And he is one of the great comic minds of all time.

[David Feldman]

The best. Yeah, the best. I mean, Robin, it's one of those. Robin would have a look on his face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Robin Williams.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

And when Jeremy performed, because it's pure Jeremy. There wasn't a cheap. Isn't a cheap shot in his act. And Kevin Meaney used to come to San Francisco. He was beloved in San Francisco. And I apologize, I'm leaving out all my friends from San Francisco. Milt Abel, Frank Prinze, Tim Bedoy. I mean, there's so many. I started with, um, but Kevin Meaney and Will Durst. But Kevin Meaney used to inspire me because he taught me that it's not about making an audience laugh. That laughter is an accidental byproduct of genius. And sometimes the audience gets it, sometimes they don't. But Kevin Meaney gave me the courage to do what I thought was funny. And that's why I'm where I am right now in my mother's basement.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's dead.

[David Feldman]

I'm peeing into a mason jar. I haven't been outside for six years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Your website hasn't been updated since my Website hasn't been. The Carter administration. No, it's just I was thinking about Kevin.

[David Feldman]

I'm true to myself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was thinking about Kevin Meaney because I turned 60 this week, and Kevin died when he was 60, and he was my mentor. I don't know if you know the story about me and Meanie. Do you?

[David Feldman]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. So we grew up one town apart in New York, in the suburbs of New York. And he used to work at a golf club. My dad belonged to a golf club, and Kevin was a waiter at the club.

[David Feldman]

Did you wear a bow tie?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He wore a bow tie and a. And a red dinner jacket. That was his outfit. That's why he dressed like that. So he started out, he was 14 years old, and he was scrubbing pots. And then he worked his way up to being a waiter once he turned, like, 17. And he used to perform for my father because my father was in radio in New York, and Kevin knew that, and Kevin wanted to be a comedian, and so he used to do. Here we go. Are you ready for the dessert specials tonight? We got the New York Cheesecake. Cheesecake Boats are coming. And he did a whole cheesecake dance. And, like, he just did routines all night. And so my father was friends with the guy that ran Catch a Rising Star. And my father got Kevin on stage. Rick Newman. Rick Newman. And my father got him on stage the first time. And then. And then my father calls me up. I'm in college now, and I'm starting to stand up comedy. And he goes, do you remember that waiter from Nolwood? The funny waiter named Kevin? And I go, yeah, of course, Kevin. He was hilarious. Well, he's a comedian now, and he's doing really well. This is, like, in 1996. Wow, he's doing really great. You gotta check him out. So sure enough, like, I'm watching the Tonight show, and he comes on and slays like nobody has ever slayed the way Kevin Meaney did on.

[David Feldman]

Gets called over to the couch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know Johnny's head is on the desk and he's pounding his fist, he's wiping his eye. It was like nothing anybody had seen before. Right, I see that. And then about two months later, he's headlining Catch a Rising Star in Boston. At this point, I think he was living in an L. A or New York. And so I go out to the show. Kevin hasn't seen me since I was probably about 12 years old. And because I was the kid at the pool at the golf club going, kevin, can you give me another coat? And so he walks off stage. I wait for the crowd to filter out. I remember Jay Charbonneau was there, and I knew Jay. And so Kevin walks up and he sees me and he goes, fitzsimmons. Like he recognized me.

[David Feldman]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so we hung out all night. And then he knew I was doing standup, and he used to help me. I used to open for him on the road. And then as I got older, we became very close friends. We were on the phone together constantly. I was in his wedding party, he was in my wedding party. And then he moves to la, meets a woman, starts dating her, and they realize she was my next door neighbor who used to babysit us while he was serving drinks to my parents at the golf club at night. They fall in love, get married, have a kid, and. Yeah, isn't that crazy?

[David Feldman]

Wow. Your father changed his life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Your father, you know, you're going to cry. This is true. And I actually have a high school term paper that I wrote about. So I. One summer when I was in my teens, I wanted to get a job in Rockefeller center. And you could sneak into Rockefeller center, but this was before. And so I wanted to work in a newsroom. So I just would go in and ask. And I remember your father spoke to me. And I swear to God, of all the people I met. And I did this for, like, off and on for like, two weeks. I would sneak into Rockefeller center and just try to ask, do you need an intern? I want to work in the newsroom. And your father was so sweet and so supportive and encouraging, and he said to me, just, you know, they're not going to hire you. You're too young, but you got to stick with it. And I like the fact that you're asking. He said, the mere fact that you're just making the rounds and trying to become an intern in the newsroom means you're going to. That's the key to this. Just stick at it, and just wait till you're older. And then he molested me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then he molested you.

[David Feldman]

Yeah. Then he molested me, but. Right. But before that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's so dad. That's so. You know what?

[David Feldman]

No, no, but I'm telling you, I have in my mother's attic, next to the lampshades made out of human skin that she used to sew, is a term paper that I wrote with your Bob Fitzsimmons. And just the greatest guy in the world, wnb.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No kidding me.

[David Feldman]

And he said, you're too young, but hang in there. And most of success in life is something about wanting it and pursuing it and not to give up. And I wrote a term paper for high school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[David Feldman]

And you know what? I should find it, but it will make you cry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would love that.

[David Feldman]

I think I must have told you that story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you mentioned it to me a long time ago.

[David Feldman]

But, you know, I remember your dad, and it was one of those. I'm being serious. He was just. He just stuck with me. Like, the memory of him, like, oh, they're nice people in this world and they're encouraging and this business, like, I just. He was. You know, and then I found out what he was really like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's a bastard. No, but he stuck. Started as an intern, really Clavin and Fitch, way back when. That was he.

[David Feldman]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he just hung around. He hung around outside the station, and he. He said. He. He basically said that he would do the traffic for them, and so he would get the traffic report from the other station that had a bigger budget to actually cover traffic, and then he would play a helicopter noise in the background, and he would. He would call in the tray. He called himself Trevor Traffic. And he was an intern, and that's how he got on the air.

[David Feldman]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Wow. Great guy. Great guy. I didn't know that about Kevin, but it makes sense. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And Kevin, it's just so weird to me because turning 60, I just specifically remembered that he had died at 60. And it was one of those things I thought about this week during my birthday is what that meant. First of all, my father died at 53. So, like, did he die at 53? 53, yeah. And his parents died in their 40s, so, like, I feel like I'm on borrowed time, you know? Like, I mean, I'm in way better health than my father ever was, but.

[David Feldman]

Your father died in a hail of bullets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was a hail of bullets in Harlem. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

He was going under the name Bumpy, I believe. Right. He was Bumpy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's amazing. They got him. He was under my mother. He pulled my mother right on top of him, and they still got him.

[David Feldman]

That's a great way to die, using your wife as a human shield.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But, yeah, so I was thinking about the. You know, Kevin died at 60 and, you know, what a life he had and how there was. He was sort of like, going through a transition at that point. He was getting. He was getting back into stand up. He was finally writing new material. There was like. He had just signed with a new agent, and, you know, it was just. It was such A tra. Anyway, let's. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

I don't believe in death. I really don't. You know, that's the great thing about being a comic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Is we don't do death. We do resurrection. We did it right. Every day is Easter for a comedian. At least my act was Easter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Because I would die on stage, and then it took about three days, but I'd get the audience back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. You'd rise, and it was a fucking miracle when you rise. Yeah. People just couldn't believe it.

[David Feldman]

But I don't do death. I don't think about death. I'm not going to die. And that's. To me, that's what comedy is. The denial of death.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I have.

[David Feldman]

And the denial that I'm not talented.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, now I really do think that, like, I have zero fear of death. If anything, Like, I look forward to it. I just. I'm. You know, I don't have luck.

[David Feldman]

Well, it's your title, my friend. Uber Eats also offers another service. Great, huh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that would be great. You gotta. Well, now you gotta go to Oregon. No, I'm really not. Like, I feel like I did my job. My kids are raised. I mean, I'd feel my wife would have to be alone, but she'd do fine. But I get. I don't care. I really don't care if I live much longer.

[David Feldman]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do I have to.

[David Feldman]

Are you being serious?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I really don't care. I don't care. I don't. I don't love life. I'm not passionate. I don't wake up every day like, oh, it's another chance to prove myself. Like, I sort of feel like I figured out my place in the world. I've got a really good life, but I'm not really feeling it. Like, I've created a really good life. Amazing friends, great wife, good kids, make a decent living. But it could all end today. I'd be fine.

[David Feldman]

I would be very. I get up every morning. I'm being serious. I get up every morning and I can't wait to take on the day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean that.

[David Feldman]

I do mean that. I really do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[David Feldman]

Yeah. I'm excited.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What vision do you have of the day? That's wonderful.

[David Feldman]

I look forward to doing my show. I like reading the Internet, looking for stories to talk about, trying to interpret. I'm fascinated by the world. So I look forward. I feel blessed. And I think every day I tell that to the humans that I keep in a cage in my mother's basement. Every day is a gift Every day is a gift. Think of. No, I. I'm filled with so much contempt and hatred for humanity that certain types of people that. I don't want to die. I want to fight bad people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. So I can see that that's fuel for you. You're a witness. You're bearing witness.

[David Feldman]

No, I want to hurt bad people. Bullies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is there anyone you would kill if you had an opportunity? You're not going to get convicted. Nobody will know it was you. You, with your bare hands, maybe a knife or a gun can kill somebody. Are there people that would be on that list?

[David Feldman]

No, I would like to beat somebody up. I sometimes imagine when I'm working out, I sometimes imagine it's like if you could choose between sex with Natalie Portman or being at a traffic stop and pulling some young, good looking 35 year old guy in a Porsche out of the car because he's blasting music and just looks like he's never been punched. And it's, you know, and I'm told you get Natalie Portman for the night or you get to beat the shit out of that guy. I would choose to beat the shit out of Natalie Portman. No, I would.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She looks like she's never been punched.

[David Feldman]

No, we don't joke about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, we don't.

[David Feldman]

We don't joke about hitting because I used to be a woman and I got hit. No, but I would probably, if I could beat up a guy in front of his girlfriend and humiliate him and he's like a right wing Republican D bag, you know, it like works in real estate, something, you know, that would pick up truck. No, no. He would have to be pulling down a couple hundred thousand a year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

White teeth, gray, tan. Ask me about my kids, you know, my kid's the number. You know that guy, that guy. To beat him up and humiliate him in front of his wife and if he has kids and then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean you want the kids in the car watching.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, Now I'm getting excited and piss on him like Johnny Sack did. Remember Johnny Sack?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course, yeah.

[David Feldman]

See that, to me, to be able to pee on a guy that you just beat up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Feldman]

Because I have trouble peeing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, and it would be that at the end there'd be that long pause and then the shake with another stream five seconds later. Shake with another stream.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because let's be honest, you or I alone with Natalie Portman. What are we really going to accomplish? You know, it's. There's not going to be eight positions and 52 minutes of screaming. It's. It's going to be a pump and dump.

[David Feldman]

It's going to be who cries first? Who's going to cry first, me or her?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Some people have simultaneous orgasms. This will be simultaneous crying.

[David Feldman]

But you remember beating up a guy. Have you ever beaten up a guy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Many times.

[David Feldman]

I've never beaten up a guy. Well, I play an Oscar in my dreams. I've beaten up. I've fisted a couple of men, sure, but that's not beating up a guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It doesn't make the same sound.

[David Feldman]

No, it doesn't. No, but. So you've beaten up a guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I used to play hockey. I played ice hockey my whole life. So there was always a lot of fights. And then. Oh, yeah, I was big on standing up for. If I saw a woman being abused in any way, I jumped right in. I got it. I got a few of the. I was very fast. I could punch very fast. And what you learn is in fights, there's usually not more than a couple of punches thrown. In a fight. In a fight, once you get punched in the face, you don't want to fight anymore. So if you're the guy that gets in the first punch, you usually win.

[David Feldman]

Wow. And what does it feel like? I mean, when you hit somebody in the face, how does your fist feel?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It hurts. And your wrist hurts? I remember once my wrist was sore for like a week after I punched somebody.

[David Feldman]

So you had to switch hands?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I switch hands.

[David Feldman]

Are you a lefty or a righty?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm a righty, but I never hit my kids.

[David Feldman]

Never once you hired somebody?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hired a. I hired a guy and Irish guy. Of course. You never hit your. You never hit your kid, right?

[David Feldman]

I kicked them. You did, but never hit them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[David Feldman]

I would never, ever, ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't it amazing what percentage of Americans still believe in spanking your child? It's literally like 70% of Americans think, I have no urgent child is okay.

[David Feldman]

I have no urge. I never have an urge to. To hit them. I. I did occasionally shoot them in the knee. I would kneecap them. No, I would.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The thing about you is you will start a joke not knowing what the punchline is either.

[David Feldman]

I know. All I know is just say something horrible. Just start off self righteous. The key to my sense of humor is act self righteous and then pull the rug underneath.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I was starting to say before, like, I looked at your website and I was like, all right, so David Feldman is supporting himself with this podcast. How does it Work are there. You must have ads, right?

[David Feldman]

I don't do advertising. Yeah, but they run ads on some of the platforms.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[David Feldman]

That I'm on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then you also do people. People donate to the show. But then I went to. And you have people donating to St. Jude's and all these places and then you go. Or if you're done that then you can donate to my show because they need the money more than I do.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, I should probably change that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[David Feldman]

Fuck St. Jude's St. Jude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So much fucking money now.

[David Feldman]

They're great saying no. St. Jude's is. And the thing is they don't turn anybody away, so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But shouldn't they charge the ultra wealthy?

[David Feldman]

I don't want to talk about sick kids and stuff. Like, I just know St. Jude's it's pretty amazing stuff. So, yeah, it's hard for me because I am listener supported. Although I do make. There are certain platforms where ads run.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

But I don't have any say in that. But it's mostly listener supported. And my feeling is it's really tough to ask people. Most of my listeners are losers, poor and really disgusting when you think about it. And to ask these pathetic humps for money if they have to choose between me and St. Jude's I really have no respect for these D bags if they're going to give me money first instead. I mean, it's hard to ask people for money. But I am listener, mostly listener.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, and you sell coffee mugs.

[David Feldman]

And then I have a. So I have an apron, a chef's apron that says, I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea. Do you see that? Can you see it on my store?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I didn't see it.

[David Feldman]

I have. This is. So I try to do a those

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

must sell like crazy.

[David Feldman]

And they do it now to piss me off because it's so offensive. And I thought, wouldn't it be funny to have a chef's apron? Like, mom walks in and the chef's apron says, I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea. And she's serving food and people buy it to spite me. And I've actually asked my listeners, go to my store, check it out. Don't buy the I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea apron. Cause it really hurts my feelings and I can't take it down because I need the money. So I mean, if I have to choose between you buying the I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea apron and not buying anything, buy the diarrhea. But look at the other merch, please. And they. And my audience hates me. It's a mutual feeling.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they go, you know what?

[David Feldman]

I'm going to piss. If I have to give him money, I'm going to buy the diarrhea. Abram, that's like my number one or my number two. Actually, there it is. My number two. What is diarrhea?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. I guess it's like a number one and a half.

[David Feldman]

Number one and a half.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then if you're good at. If first base is kissing and second base is feeling a breast, and third base is manual stimulation.

[David Feldman]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And home is sex. What's anal?

[David Feldman]

Playing for the Mets. I don't know what that means. That was like, you know, if that were. If this was the 1970s and you were the. Oh, that was so quick. I don't know what that joke meant.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe it was the. Maybe the dugout. Maybe the dugout is anal.

[David Feldman]

If you're a lesbian, what are the bases? Probably a different sport.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I would think it would be more like field hockey, where there's yard lines that you go to. All right, listen, we're not gonna wrap this up.

[David Feldman]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[David Feldman]

No, no. I every. I don't get to talk to you. This is the only fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I'll do your. I'll do your podcast.

[David Feldman]

I don't have guests on my show anymore. No, seriously.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[David Feldman]

I don't have guests.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, lucky you.

[David Feldman]

I did a long time, and it got to the point where the shows were six hours, and it was six hours of me talking to people. And at some point about four years ago, I just said, why don't you talk? So I just talk on my show now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long is it about?

[David Feldman]

Latest one is I talk for a. I have. It's called Logaria. Diarrhea of the mouth. Speaking of diarrhea, I can talk for long stretches of time. It's not interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And how many do you. What do you do? One a week?

[David Feldman]

I do three a week. I go live Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday at 6:05pm wow. On YouTube.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you'll talk for an hour or two?

[David Feldman]

Easily an hour?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Feldman]

I mean, I prepare, I have notes, and I ramble.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I did one last week. I did a solo show last week, and I really stressed myself out because I didn't think I'd have enough to cut. Cause I don't do them that often. I do like three or four a year solo. And. And I'd love to. Because booking guests is very difficult. You know, you just never know if you're asking people and they.

[David Feldman]

But you're great at.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you're great.

[David Feldman]

I mean, you're the best at talking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you.

[David Feldman]

You do you like. I don't want to stop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[David Feldman]

I mean, this is like. You're like Natalie Portman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got it from my dad. Thanks, dad.

[David Feldman]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Family business.

[David Feldman]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, well, listen. Listen to the David Feldman Show.

[David Feldman]

I go live on YouTube and some other video platforms at 6:05 Eastern Sunday night, Tuesday night and Sunday. Tuesday and Thursday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then if you miss it, you can listen to it at YouTube.

[David Feldman]

Yeah, it's just up there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[David Feldman]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the day just. David FeldmanShow.com is the website if you want to get links to all this stuff. Want to buy the. Hope you like Diarrhea Apron or any of the mugs, or just get in touch with. You can email David at the site so you can send him your thoughts.

[David Feldman]

And I come to your house and I'll make love to your wife.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Any family member.

[David Feldman]

Any family member.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what's amazing about you, is you. Any age, any sex. With the right money, you'll come over the house and just. No, no, hang on.

[David Feldman]

Not any age. Under the age of 18. I do it for free. No, see, this is. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I charge. No, I don't. This is. No, I. But I will come. If you're. If they're above the age of 18 and the money's right, I will allow you to pleasure me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And is there a maximum age?

[David Feldman]

Preferably dead, because then there's less small talk. We can get right to work. So if you have any loved ones, if you have somebody in a cage. Grandma's in a cage. You have let me come in and we should have stopped when you said to stop. Now I'm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is. This is good.

[David Feldman]

This is when. This is. This is the bonus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is the after party.

[David Feldman]

This is the story of my career.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, David Feldman, thank you very much.

[David Feldman]

I love you. I really love you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, we'll talk soon. Okay, bye.