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Greg Fitzsimmons
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David Feldman
You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your summer@columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome, Columbia. Engineered for whatever.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. This is your very emotional emo. I'm your emo host, Greg Fitzsimmons. I cried again. If you listen to the podcast, you'll know I had my birthday last week. I had a huge party and people gave speeches. My best friend, my best friends, all my best friends spoke. My daughter spoke and I cried. I got up to speak and I cried. I choked, literally choked on tears and didn't get out, Hardly any words. Didn't get out, hardly any words. Kind of like now. So it opened up the floodgates and I realized that I had an acting teacher once that said your emotions don't have a bunch of different valves. There's one valve that turns on all the emotions and it's kind of beautiful because, I mean, when you're acting, you're conjuring up emotions all the time. And it's kind of a great way to go through. Life is just feeling everything, good, bad, all of it. And so after I cried on my birthday, I have since cried twice. And it's such a weird. Like, I cried at the Masters this week. I don't know if you watch golf, but if you do, the Masters is the biggest tournament of the year. And Rory McIlroy is this golfer from Northern Ireland. And his father took a job working at a low level at a golf course so that Rory could play. And the mother and the father scrap jobs together to put him through golf school.
And.
And then Rory is now the highest paid golfer of all time and he won the Masters. Did he cheat on his wife with the golf broadcaster from cbs? Cbs, not cbs. Yes, that's alleged. But it's pretty much understood that he did Amanda something and she interviews him after he wins tournaments. Now, him and his wife split up over it and then they got back together again. But he still gets interviewed by this one Anyway, so he wins the tournament, and then he goes and he hugs his mother and his father. And I cried like a little bitch. And my wife was sitting next to me, and I was hiding my tears. I pretended I was wiping my forehead. I was really wiping my eyes. And I thought, why do I feel shame right now? Why is there shame associated with crying? I guess, especially for men, it's not manly. It's not. It's weak. Um, and it's almost like in. In some instances, it's okay if somebody died. It's got to be someone real close. Someone died. Sports is kind of acceptable for guys, but the full snot coming down your face, that's for the movies. Like, we don't accept crying except in the movies. Then we give you a fucking. If you got snot running down your face and your sob, we give you an Oscar for that. We reward it because we need it. It's a safe place for us to cry.
David Feldman
You.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's why movie theaters are dark. That's why they give you napkins with your popcorn. It's not for the popcorn. It's for the crying. We like to sit in that dark room and actually express an emotion like a human being and feel something. But I thought about it.
What.
What is crying even? Like, what.
Why?
If there is evolution, what. What was the trait of crying that somehow helped us in nature? Like, if you're being attacked by another caveman and you start crying, do you think he's gonna be like, hey, guys, guys, guys, let's take it easy on this guy? He's. He's a mess. He's. He's sobbing.
Let's.
Let's go to the next cave. No, that's the guy they go after. They target the guy who's crying. So I guess for men, it's not. I don't know.
But why.
Why do we. What is it even. It's this physical thing you can't stop or control, like, jerking off. I'm doing it on purpose, and I know when it's going to happen. Crying can just happen during a Hallmark commercial, and it's physical, and it's such a weird phenomenon. It's an indication to people that they've touched you in some way. Anyway, that's it. All right. I shouldn't talk long. I got a great guest today. Should I just get right to it? Uh, I'm going to be at Bakersfield, California at the well on April 18th, and I'll be in Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club April 24th, and 25th Brea Improv One Night, May 8th, Boston at Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th. Then right after that, I'm going up to Rochester, New Hampshire, to the Opera House and Agunkwit, Maine to play Jonathan's. That's the first week of June, I think you can get tickets at my website, but you may have to go directly to the clubs. I'm a little behind in updating my dates. I'm sorry. But you know, what I'm not behind in is checking on my finances. I realized a while ago that I had a lot of annual fees. I had a lot of subscriptions to things that I got and forgot I got. And that shit was adding up. And when you get Rocket Money, when you sign up for raw, when you join Rocket Money, let me tell you something. You will save. So they have saved $880 million for people. And it also tracks your spending. So, you know, sometimes you make bad decisions. You think on a Tuesday, hey, let's do this. And then Thursday, you're like, what was I thinking? And you're not even sure how you're necessarily spending your money. That's why Rocket Money is great. It lays it all out in a way that your brain understands. You can see all the spending, all the subscriptions, everything in one place. You don't have to dig through a bunch of different apps and credit card statements. And it's in categories, so it shows where your money is actually going, not where you think it's going. And it's kind of humbling. It's a humbling experience. You can set budgets, you can get alerts, and if something big hits and just stay ahead of it instead of reacting after the damage is done. And if there is stuff you're not using anymore, you can cancel it right in the app with a few taps. That was the best part. That was so gratifying. That felt like taking a shower after going to Coachella and just getting the filth off of you and the stink off of you. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster.
Join.
That's rocketmoney.com fitzdog rocketmoney.com fitzdog Use my code. You don't save anything. But again, it's a way to give a heads up to these companies that you're hearing about their product through the podcast that I believe in it. Maybe that made you believe in it. So put it in there. Help us out. Come on, people. Be with us. My guest today. Oh, my God, this guy, he's won several Emmys. Daytime. I like my Emmys. I got. He got nighttime Emmys. I got. I got four Daytime Emmys. He's got three. He wrote. He got Emmys writing for Bill Maher and Dennis Miller. And was it Letterman? He's written for everybody. This guy's a beast. And he's a great comic. He's been doing it forever. He's a comics comic. He's somebody that everybody respects. Everybody quote, quotes super cool guy. We've done each other's podcasts a lot. I really love him.
I do.
I love this guy. And I talked to him yesterday, and here is my chat with the great David Feldman.
David Feldman
Foreign.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Welcome to my guest, the great David Feldman. Here's the thing that you get sometimes at our age, and you're. You're considerably older than I am, but they start to call you a legend. Like, the MC will go, this next guy's a legend. How do you feel about that? When they say that about you?
David Feldman
You talk about the aging process.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, no, just the. Just the sort of deference that's given to you when you get brought up on stage. Like, do you. Do you enjoy being called a legend or do you feel like that that's sort of putting you on a dusty shelf with.
David Feldman
I think it's a good warning. I think it's like when you're about to see grandpa, kids, it's. I just want to give you a warning. This is. He's not home. This is. The body is just a vessel. His soul is still there, but it's. It's slowly seeping away. And I just want to prepare you because it's. You're young. You shouldn't have to experience this at such a young age. But Grandpa's checking out. Please welcome David Feldman.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then don't look into his eyes while he's performing, or he may just collapse because nobody looks at him anymore in his real life. There's not a stranger on the street that sets their gaze on this guy ever.
David Feldman
No. I'm like the ark from Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you look into me, you begin to melt.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes. Yes.
David Feldman
Hasn't been good.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No. Well, I just turned 60 this week, so. Thank you. Thank you for saying that.
David Feldman
You look. I swear to God, you look like you haven't turned 60 yet.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
David Feldman
We're walking down the street and I said, that guy does not. That guy looks like he's 59 and three quarters.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, that's how good you look. Well, the thing is, I use a lot of moisturizer, but I don't put it on my face. I put it on my cocktail. So you should see how young my cock looks constantly.
David Feldman
Well, you know what?
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you know what the crazy thing is? I take my. I shouldn't talk too much. She's in the next room. I take my wife's, like, Estee Lauder High End Facial Deep Wrinkle Moisturizer. And I.
David Feldman
I mean, since you came on the screen, all the wrinkles in my cock have disappeared.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
David Feldman
I'm tumescent. That usually happens when I'm tumescent. The wrinkles disappear. It's like I have tumescent. That means aroused.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No kidding. Yeah.
David Feldman
And I'm fully erect and there are no wrinkles on the shaft.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
David Feldman
So that's my. If you looked at my shaft right now, that is a young man's shaft. And then if you looked at the balls touching my toes, you'd go, okay, that's an old guy. That's an old guy who should wear a towel in the sauna. But he's not, because.
Greg Fitzsimmons
But the shaft, that's. The beautiful thing about the erection is it's ageless. I mean, even when you're young, you've got varicose veins on the top of the shaft. Right.
David Feldman
And I like calling the shaft because it makes it sound like I'm Richard Roundtree.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't know who that is.
David Feldman
Wasn't he the star of Shaft?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, okay, good.
David Feldman
Like he had a rock solid shaft.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I just.
David Feldman
A big shaft.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, you know who's got a big dick? I realized this weekend. You don't watch the Masters. You don't watch golf, right?
David Feldman
No.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Even though the Masters is based on the fact that they were slave masters, like, did that country club. That doesn't appeal to you in any way?
David Feldman
No, I don't watch golf.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So there's a golfer named Rory McElroy, and he's from Belfast, from Northern Ireland, and he has the biggest cock. He wears tight pants and he's constantly adjusting his cockpit. And it's just so he's got a putter.
David Feldman
You mean a nice putter there.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He's got a nice putter. Yeah. It's got a good shaft. And it's just so incongruous with the Masters, where everything is like, you can't have your cell phone out. You have to have a collared shirt, you know, and then here's the best golfer in the league. And he's got his cock protruding in his green polyester slacks.
David Feldman
Wow. Maybe I will watch golf now. I'm in. Is he from County Cock? Didn't we play County Cock? Is it weird? Isn't County Cock where the Irish Comedy Festival is?
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's Kilkenny.
David Feldman
That's Kilkenny. That's right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes. Yeah. But there is a County Cock. That's where you kiss the blarney stone in County Cock.
David Feldman
Yes, that's where I got herpes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You kiss some stones down there, they
David Feldman
don't wash the stone.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, they don't, actually. I had a friend.
David Feldman
Have you ever done Blarney Stone after hours where they turn it around and you see the other side of the blarney hole? You get to lick the blarney hole instead of kiss the blarney stone?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah.
David Feldman
It's for after hours. You have to pay a little extra for that blarney.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. If you kiss it, it gives you good luck. But if you lick the other side of the hole, you can achieve maximum girth and thrush.
David Feldman
I caught thrush from licking the Barney hole. My advice, unless you're my age and you're going to County Cork, just kiss the blarney Stone. Don't let them make you pay extra to turn it over with Blarney Hole.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, it's kind of our wailing wall, isn't it? Is it the same thing as the wailing wall? Yeah.
David Feldman
I've stuck a couple things in the wailing wall.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Was it wailing before you put the things in?
David Feldman
Oh, it wasn't. Oh. You know what? I have a joke that I wrote.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, here we go.
David Feldman
So this sets me up for a joke that I came up with while talking to my son. I am an Orthodox Jew. I'm very Orthodox. I wipe through a hole in the sheet. I was talking. My son and I tried to gross each other out, and he went, oh, that's really good. Like, he stopped and he goes, you wipe through a hole in the sheet. That's funny. You should use that. I thought. Yeah. It's always good to tell people you're an Orthodox Jew.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So what's going on in Israel these days?
David Feldman
I don't know. I think Trump is the biggest friend Israel's ever had.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think it seems like it.
David Feldman
Huh. I think the war is going fantastic. I don't pay too close attention, but he's the greatest president we've ever had and everything's going to be great.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. I just. I just. It's. It's good to See that?
David Feldman
Can we not talk? You know what? How many times have you been out to dinner with friends and you say, isn't this great? We haven't talked about Trump.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I know.
David Feldman
Can we not talk?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I mean, let's talk about this.
David Feldman
That's all I talk about, is Donald Trump.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, all right. Let's forget about Trump and talk about this. I always research my guests because, like you, I am a professional host. I take it very seriously. I'm a professional. I consider myself a broadcaster.
David Feldman
You're the best.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, thank you.
David Feldman
You are. You are the best. You're prepared and you're like Mike Wallace for 60 Minutes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I like that.
David Feldman
Yeah. I was going to make a mean joke about his. But in that you relax me and I forget that you have a big audience and I destroy my career every day.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You have not only your career, but you strained your relationship with your ex
David Feldman
wife, which ex wife? Number two. Number three. Yes, there were. So we want to be careful here because you relax me and then I forget that there are other people listening to this.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
David Feldman
And then it comes back to hurt me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes. Well, you know, that's the thing about Fitz dog radio. It lulls you in and then a finger goes right up your ass and you go, wow.
David Feldman
Wow.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So here's what I did in my research for you as well.
David Feldman
This is what I love about doing. It's like, I feel like it's been. I've been to the dog groomer and you've expressed my anal sex. I'm no longer. After I do your show, I'm no longer scooting my asshole around the carpet.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So once a year, you got to come on and express. You got to express yourself.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That should be the name of the podcast.
David Feldman
Express my anal sax.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Express my anal sex.
David Feldman
What are anal sax, by the way?
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's like an alto sax, except that your voice goes higher.
David Feldman
Wow. The anal sacks. I love that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So here's what I realized in my research of you, is that your middle name, and I hope we talk about this for a good 10 minutes, is Beauregard.
David Feldman
Yes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Now, is that a Jewish name? That sounds like a redneck name. Beauregard.
David Feldman
I'm named in honor of my great, great grandfather from the south who wasn't named Beauregard, but he always wanted to own slaves. So that was. He was.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wait, if he was your great great grandfather.
David Feldman
My great great grandfather was from the South. He always wanted to be a slaveholder.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Right.
David Feldman
So his name was Chaim, but in honor of great Great grandfather Chaim, wanting to own slaves. My middle name is Beauregard.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Kind of a native dog grandfather, wasn't he? He was old enough to. He was around slaves. Right. It was before they were. Before that.
David Feldman
It was. It was the antebellum South.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I.
David Feldman
You know what? I've. One of the things about slavery, it's like the Holocaust.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
So, like, I'll joke about the Holocaust. I'm not going to do any jokes about slavery. That's not my. But if you want to talk about the Holocaust, I can jump. But making jokes about slavery is not.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, that's. That's touching because it was.
David Feldman
It was a Holocaust. It really was. They. We. We. You and I, are of a generation where they kind of sanitized slavery.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Was the Holocaust.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
David Feldman
So, you know. So it's not ours to joke about.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, it is, because.
David Feldman
Have you ever seen their sketches? I don't want to talk about it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No. But what's funny is I did a joke. I used to do this. It was just a stupid joke. And I was at a. I did a college show in Minneapolis, outside of Minneapolis, and I go, yeah. So I was in college, too. I said. I was on the college rowing team, and I didn't know much about the sport other than what I'd seen in those ancient Roman slave ship movies. I showed up to the first practice with a huge drum and a whip. But we won the league that year, and we sold off some of the Harvard students as slaves in the Adriatic Sea. So whatever. Stupid joke. But then these two black women stand up and they start screaming at me, you ain't coming here and talking about motherfucking slaves. And I go, they were Roman. I go, they were white. They were white slaves.
David Feldman
Probably Jewish.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Probably Jewish. And they wouldn't. They wouldn't calm down. And they stormed out and they made a scene, and the show ended early, and I got a letter sent to my agents. I said, I got to stop doing colleges. There's too many black people.
David Feldman
You know what the Jewish Roman slaves were? Here's 50 bucks. You wrote, my back hurts. The Jewish slaves. I don't buy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
This is the worst cruise you've ever gotten us on, Moishe. There's no buffet.
David Feldman
Where's the Alaska Crab?
Greg Fitzsimmons
They don't even have a place to. Schmitz.
David Feldman
Well, you know, there's a theory, Freud has a theory that Moses and the Jews really weren't slaves in Egypt, that they were just a separate tribe that invaded. This is Freud.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Because it really is hard to Believe the Jews built the pyramids, Isn't it?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, they have launched a lot of pyramid schemes in this country.
David Feldman
Bernie Madoff. So Freud had a theory that Moses was just an invading army. He just brought some people in and they took over and they decided we're the Jews.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So who built the pyramids?
David Feldman
The Jews subcontracted. They took all the. I don't want to. In this day and age with all the antisemitism.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God, there's so much of it.
David Feldman
Yes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's amazing.
David Feldman
Just in my house alone.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Just on Bill Maher's show alone. Wait, now, does he defend Israel or does he.
David Feldman
I think he is a big defender of Israel.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right. And, you know, I'm a big defender of Ireland, and, you know, that's tough. We're not. We're pretty loathsome people. We were. We were.
David Feldman
Hey, you'll get no argument from me on that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I mean, I'm not hearing any. Not hearing any pushback on that at all. Come on, Feldman.
David Feldman
No, I love the Irish.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, look at Kevin Rooney, one of
David Feldman
the great comedy writers, one of the greatest comedians are. Are Irish.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Kevin Meaney.
David Feldman
I hate to, you know, sweeping generalizations, but the Irish are, I mean, great writers and great comedians.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It is. I would say, honestly, the Jews and the Irish together make up 90% of the great comedians of all time.
David Feldman
Well, I would say they make up. Well, we're talking. First of all, I would say they did make up most of the writing rooms.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
David Feldman
But that's not saying so much about Jews and Irish as it is about bigotry and sexism and racism. I mean, I started at a time. If you were a white male, every door was open to you. And I'm still a failure. I mean, that's the thing about. That's so depressing is I look back and I had every opportunity, every advantage. I mean, people, when I was coming up, every opportunity in show business, and I blew each one.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You were born on third base and you got tagged out leading. You were just leading.
David Feldman
I was born on third and thrown out at first. I mean, I had.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I mean, when I think about. And then, you know, it's. The Jews run entertainment. On top of you being white and male and straight, you're Jewish. Yeah.
David Feldman
But, you know, if you did an audit.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
You would find it's not as many Jews as you think it is. It's just the ones who are there.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
It feels like there's a lot of them, but there are numerical. It's. It's you know?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, it's very mixed.
David Feldman
Aren't you married. Aren't you married to a Jewish woman?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I am to a Jew. I get to say a Jew because we're married. If you're just. If you're dating, you have to be like, this is my girlfriend. She's Jewish. Ish. And then you get married and you're like, what's for dinner? Jew? It feels good. It feels good. I married in.
David Feldman
You know, Paul McCartney's children are Jewish.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Paul McCartney?
David Feldman
Well, he. Linda Eastman was Jewish. I didn't know.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
David Feldman
Have you heard James McCartney sing? He. He has a new album out. I'm being serious. I don't.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He's Paul's son.
David Feldman
He's Paul's son. And it's like, remember Julian Lennon in.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Julian Lennon was fantastic.
David Feldman
You start to cry because it's like. And you look at. I'm pretty sure his name is James McCarthy, but if you want a young Paul, you'll start crying hearing him sing. Really?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
It's a beautiful voice, and he just knows how to write a catchy tune that isn't precious. You know, Paul McCarty just writes songs. He just, you know, he's like us with jokes. He just churns out songs. And if one of them is good, you just. And the son either inherited anyway. Not fun.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, have you heard James Malloy sing?
David Feldman
Who is James Malloy?
Greg Fitzsimmons
He is one of the children that Michael Jackson molested, and he has the most beautiful. And I don't think he had that voice before the molestation.
David Feldman
Really? And his name is James Malloy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
James Malloy.
David Feldman
Was he a dancer, too?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, he wasn't until the molestation. And then that kid danced after that.
David Feldman
Was he leaving Neverland?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
David Feldman
So was he the kid that Michael Jackson traveled with and.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No. I made up the name.
David Feldman
Oh. Oh.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Made up the whole concept.
David Feldman
One of my sons went to school, middle school, with one of the kids molested by Michael Jackson.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Was he voted most likely to win a major law?
David Feldman
He was voted most likely to suck seed. Now, I came up with that joke 30 years ago, and Will Durst told me that, and I stopped doing it. He said, that's an old joke. I go, really? I've never heard. You know, I used to. I don't mean to brag, but in high school, I was voted most likely to suck seed. And I think Will Durst just didn't want me to do the joke because he felt it was beneath me. So he told me. It's an old. Have you ever heard anybody say Most likely to suck seed.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, that's all you.
David Feldman
Yeah. I think Will was protecting me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
You don't want to be known as the guy who sucks.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think Will Durst was the west coast version of Barry Crimmins.
David Feldman
Yes, yes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
They were the same guy.
David Feldman
Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
They were there to make sure that you did not become a hack. They were the hack police.
David Feldman
Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And the thing with Barry Crimmins would stand in the back of the room at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge, and if you did something hacky, he would yell. With a cigar in his hand, he would yell hack.
David Feldman
Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Like in the middle of. David Cross would be doing set. If he did one thing that was a little bit hacky, he would yell at him.
David Feldman
Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He was the best.
David Feldman
The thing is, you started in Boston, I started in San Francisco. And stage time, good stage time was hard to get because there were gatekeepers unlike anywhere else. Maybe New York City. But I think Boston and San Francisco, you had people who. Tastemakers, who wouldn't allow you on stage if you were vulgar, racist, or you
Greg Fitzsimmons
sounded like another comedian, or you sounded like a derivative.
David Feldman
So I spent 12 years in San Francisco trying to please the tastemakers. And then I go to LA and I'm looking at everybody who is selling out arenas thinking, these guys couldn't get stage time in San Francisco or Boston. They wouldn't be allowed on stage. Who's better off?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, right. I know. I still feel like I've never cared about any aspect of comedy as much as the respect of my peers.
David Feldman
Or Tom Sawyer from Cobbs. Yes, Tom Sawyer. When I was starting out, he was like the Barry Crimmins Tom was. I knew him when he was a comic and you wanted his approval. And the problem with Tom was he was right. And so you really had. It's like before you had a audition for Conan or Letterman. Well, like when you have to audition for Conan and Letterman, that's looking in the mirror and finding out what exactly you have. It used to be that way. Not anymore. Now you can. But the big test was Robert Morton. Whoever is in town, they're looking. And then you have to look in the mirror and go, what do I have? And, you know, but. And Tom Sawyer was that guy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
He could just.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. And he brought up a lot of people like Jake Johansson, Jim Carrey. Call a poundstone.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And. And I was honored when I got in at that club. That was one of the first clubs I headlined. And he. We became very close and he had rules.
David Feldman
The great thing about Tom Sawyers he had rules, but you could break them. But you had to be. But if you're going to break his rules, the doors of the room had to come off.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, right, right, right. I'm sorry.
David Feldman
I'm interrupting you.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He also, one night I was on stage and there was some hecklers. You know that back pocket. There was like a little back pocket of the room that was by the door that went into the kitchen. And there was. There was some real gang bangers sitting back there from Oakland. They were from Oakland and they were yelling at me. And then one of them stood up and he started charging the stage. And Tom Sawyer, who was 5 foot 6, fucking stood in front of that guy and grabbed him and stopped him from coming on stage. I'll always remember that.
David Feldman
Now, do you do. Do you find. Have you ever. Or is it. Is this too touchy? Have you ever been assaulted on stage?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
David Feldman
Really? Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. When I was in Boston, I was only doing it for a few years, and I was at, ironically, Stitches comedy club in Boston. You probably remember that club.
David Feldman
I think somebody ended up getting killed. No, no, no, that's the other one. Go ahead. I'm sorry.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So there was a Jewish singles night. It was like a mixer that this. This kid from Harvard used to produce. And they would get all these. These girls would come in, Jewish girls and Jewish guys. And then they would go to a comedy show. And then afterwards they would have like a little mixer. And so this guy shows up, and he was an Israeli cab driver, and I remember his name was Simka. And so. Because that was the name of the village idiot in Woody Allen's movie Love and Death. So I'll always remember that that was his name. And so he sits up front and he starts. He's alone, and in his mind, he's going to a Jewish night, and they are going to love him because he is a real Jew, he's from Israel. But, you know, these are all these rich Long island girls from Boston University that want to, you know, hook up with a pre med student. And so I'm on stage and he starts trying to stand out. So he's heckling me. And I already was pretty good at dealing with hecklers early on. So I start shitting on him. He's coming at me. We go back and forth. I'm starting to get the upper hand. And then he looks at me and he goes, nothing more, nothing more. And so I said, all right, Simka, let me know when your friends get here. And he just got up on stage, fist clenched, came at me. I had the microphone in my hand is one of those old, like, you know, 90s microphones with like the metal mesh on top, like a Game of Thrones weapon. And I cracked him across the forehead.
David Feldman
Wow.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And he was bleeding and then got me into a headlock and he did some Krav Maga shit on me. And he's like spinning me around the stage by my head. The bouncers are out front smoking a joint, so they're not there. And so the crowd. And it's Boston, so the crowd stands up. And so I actually had two friends at the show that were at the bar and they made their way on stage. They pulled Simca off of me and then the bouncers were there and they threw him out. They didn't like press charges or get his name or whatever, and so they threw him out. And the show had stopped. And so then the club owner, this guy Harry Conforti, says to me, they set the tables back up, they get everybody drinks. And he goes, all right, Fitzsimmons, you got five minutes left. And they set me back up and I walked on stage.
David Feldman
Good for him. Good for him.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was great. Best thing he could have done for me. So I walk on stage and I get a standing ovation because it's Boston and they'd rather see a fist fight than a comedy show. And so they're cheering and they're cheering and then they finally calm down and I go, all right, who's next? Like I hadn't just gotten my ass kicked in front of 200 people.
David Feldman
Wow.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
I remember this because I played a week later, same Jewish mixer.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
David Feldman
And Simcha showed up and I laid into him. I called his mother a hewer and his sister a hewer. And he rushed the stage and he got into the Krav Magrav pose. And I went, simcha, look over there, a dollar. And
Greg Fitzsimmons
that's all I needed to do.
David Feldman
Oh, you just say, look over there, a dollar. And you just. I can tell that joke because I'm a self hating Jew, it's okay for me to tell that joke. But you at home can't tell that joke because it perpetuates stereotypes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes. And I do feel like as an Irish person, I have perpetuated a lot of Irish stereotypes. I mean, just that story alone, like fighting a lot.
David Feldman
Right?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Drinking a lot.
David Feldman
It's a good stereotype.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I guess so. I think Jews are always enamored by Irish guys that fight.
David Feldman
Yes. Yeah, we love Italians.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
We want to look Italian. We secretly Love Italians.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, Dice Clay, right? Huh? Dice Clay.
David Feldman
Dice Clay, yeah. Who I am a fan of.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, he's Jewish and he acts Italian.
David Feldman
I know. I think he. When he was pissing everybody off, he made me laugh, partly because he was pissing everybody off. And it was an act.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
David Feldman
And, you know, I said when he was playing, you know, when he was selling out Madison Square Garden, and this was. People don't realize that he was selling out Madison Square Garden. This was like the early 90s. I would watch the audience and they were play acting. And I maintained that you could take the same audience and put them at the other cafe in San Francisco to see Paula Poundstone and that they. Well, I don't know. Maybe not.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That they would sort of be malleable. Yeah.
David Feldman
That under the right circumstances, they would. If you acclimate them properly. You went to a Dice Clay to act like a Trump supporter.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
David Feldman
You know, it's like, hey, we get to, you know, dress a certain way and act. It was a celebration of stupidity.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. People have different aspects to their personalities. Right. You know, and they come out like, I. I know when I hang out with my. I don't know why, but my college friends, we get very male. We get very, like. We say chicks and things that I would never say as an adult, but when I'm with them, I say chicks, you know, and, you know, I don't go to strip clubs anymore, but, like, we would go to strip clubs when I was younger and act like douchebags. But, yeah, you can't judge Dice by his audience. You have to judge him by what he was doing on stage. And that album he did, was it called the Night Comedy Died?
David Feldman
I don't remember.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He did this thing where he had just done Madison Square Garden and Rick Rubin was going to produce his next standup album, the Musical.
David Feldman
Rick?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Have you seen his Hulu show with Paul McCartney?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, I heard. It's amazing.
David Feldman
It's amazing. So Rick. I didn't know Rick Rubin. Rick Rubin. He's like Larry Charles. Rick Rubin.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is like, go ahead.
David Feldman
Right, sorry.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He's. He's so. He, you know, he gets Dice and he wants to do it album, but he goes, we can't do. You just did Madison Square Garden. People saw that. It was filmed. It was played. People know it. Let's. Let's do something, you know, And Rick Rubin's always about drawing you out. He doesn't tell you what to do. He just says, let's find something. And Dice said, well, you Know, really my home is Dangerfield and I go on there late at night. So one night they miked the room and he showed up unannounced at like midnight. So there's about 30 people in the room. They've already seen. They've already seen 15 comics, right? And Dice walks in and these were not people that came to see Dice Clay. And he walks on stage and he does kind of new shit, but in a way that was so unapologetic. And as people are leaving, he's commenting on it, he's going, look at you, honey. You got a look on your face like you want to fucking suck a twat. You know? And I mean, he is laying into the crowd, but he's doing his act and he's unflappable. It was a situation that would make any other comedian squirm. And they captured it and he bombed. I mean, he was bombing. It was an hour of Clay bombing a week after he had done Madison Square Garden.
David Feldman
And can you, can you get this album?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's streaming. It's on Spotify.
David Feldman
I didn't know that Rick Rubin did that. And you have to say the people who still crap on Dice. Rick Rubin. An argument could be made. Is our George Martin. I don't want to. You know, if Rick Rubin saw something in Andrew Dice Clay, maybe some people should reevaluate his earlier work.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
The funny thing about Dice Clay was he's indefensible. That's the whole point. It's like, no, you can't defend it. That's why it's funny. And then we elected Trump.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, who's the modern Dice Cliff? I mean, I feel like. What's his name? Who's the good looking blonde guy? Me. Is that how you see yourself?
David Feldman
That's how I look in the mirror. I see, yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That is a self hating Jew. You see an Aryan, but you see. Yeah, yeah. Jeselnik, Anthony Jeselnik, I love. Jeselnik is sort of like Clay in the sense it's totally indefensible, but somehow he doesn't draw a crowd that is misogynistic or is showing the misogynistic side of themselves.
David Feldman
Right. Well, there's a compact, an unsaid agreement that Jesel Nick makes with the audience, which is, I'm going to say horrible, horrible things. You know, it's a lie, but it's gonna be horrible. But, you know, none of it is true.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
So that's the deal he makes with his audience.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
David Feldman
He's great.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. And he's really. There's been a lot of drama between him and other comedians over the last few years.
David Feldman
Well, he's a liberal. He's left a center, isn't he?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Yeah.
David Feldman
And he's gone after. He's. I agree with every criticism he's made, or at least I haven't heard everything. But, you know, I like Jelnick.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Do you go down that road at all? Do you ever attack other podcasters or comedians?
David Feldman
No.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
No.
Greg Fitzsimmons
If you were to, who would you go after?
David Feldman
I think sometimes, I think when, when they were endorsing Trump, I got pissed off. There's a game that some of them play and they learned it from Bill O'Reilly. I have an open mind. I'm just trying to listen to both sides. And you're not. You're a closeted right wing racist, homophobic, transphobic, but you're pretending to listen to both sides. And that's what Fox News pretends to do. Then at the end, they go, I'm voting for Trump. And you go, no, you were always voting for Trump. You had Bernie on your show, but you were always voting for Trump. So it's.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Let me ask you this. I went to your website. Is it called the David Feldman Show?
David Feldman
Right. It hasn't been updated, I think, since.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, it has your dates at the Troubadour.
David Feldman
Yes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Which has been out of business for 15 years now.
David Feldman
I've been opening for. I'm at the Troubadour opening for the Smothers Brothers. I hear John Lennon is coming to see us.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So I went to your website and, you know, I perused and one of the things I noticed was like, I wondered, like, all right, David Feldman makes his living. Ostensibly. You still write for TV shows.
David Feldman
Less and less.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Less and less. So you're ostensibly making your living with this podcast that you do, if you
David Feldman
want to call it a living.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I noticed there's crates in the background, so maybe you're halfway out the door.
David Feldman
I sell secondhand adrenochrome. I don't want to get into adrenochrome. I don't want to get into. It's life affirming and life giving, and it's for QAnon people. And I don't want to describe what you need to do in order to farm and harvest the adrenochrome, but that's how I make most of my money, selling adrenochrome to Hillary and Tom Hanks. And it's a QAnon thing. You don't know what adrenochrome is.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I've never heard of that. Is it like baby's blood or something?
David Feldman
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what QAnon People from QAnon said that the Comet pizza. Can I tell you a funny story about this?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes, please.
David Feldman
And I have to tell you up front that it's funny because it's not funny. Some saying. Can I tell you a funny story? So you know to politely.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So we're backing into an unfunny bit.
David Feldman
So I have, I'm not gonna mention any names.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
David Feldman
But I have an acquaintance who knew Jeffrey Epstein.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, I know who it is.
David Feldman
I don't wanna mention any of that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay. So
David Feldman
during in 2016, let me bore everybody. The Russians hacked into Hillary and the DNC's database. They got all the emails and they decided that code for child trafficking was pizza. Do you know about this?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I mean, I know that that is the code for it. Yeah, I know that's where it came from. Yeah.
David Feldman
That Podesta and Hillary Clinton and all The Democrats in 2016 were writing emails. How's the pizza in this town? How's the, you know, Hillary's going to Michigan. Can you recommend some good pizza? And when those emails got hacked, QAnon said, oh, pizza is code for young children. And the whole thing started where Tom Hanks, I mean, except for the fact that it's evil, it's genius that they're trafficking young children in the basement of Comet pizza in Washington D.C. and they are skinning children, wearing their skin and drinking their blood. So because of the life giving properties of adrenochrome, which is from I think Joseph Heller or it was an idea of maybe Hunter Thompson came up with this idea that drinking adrenochrome as a joke from babies will give you life giving property. So that was the. That is the QAnon theory, that is what got Donald Trump elected, is he was come in and clean up the child sex trafficking ring in a deep dark state. Right?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Anytime. There were all these. So I have a friend who's obsessed with pizza and he was great friends with Jeffrey Epstein. And when the Epstein files came out, there are emails back and forth where they're arguing over the best pizza place, like where you get good pizza in New York City.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
And I'm thinking everybody who reads this thinks he's.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No. One of the lines was Jeffrey said, I know you're coming to town, we'll get you some great pizza. And I was like, oh shit, I didn't.
David Feldman
So you know What I'm talking about. Right?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah.
David Feldman
And this guy is obsessed with pizza. Like, whenever he's in town, we go get pizza and then we molest children. But it was so. I remember reading that and going, anyway,
Greg Fitzsimmons
now, I love this. I love that. Three days ago, Melania came out and vigorously defended herself against charges that have yet to be lodged by anybody.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
She's getting so far ahead of this story that there isn't even a story yet. And it was three days ago.
David Feldman
She's getting her arms around it like it's a four year old girl. We don't. We. The reason I can make jokes about that is I was molested.
Greg Fitzsimmons
How old were you?
David Feldman
42. My father. And he touched my imaginary friend. He used to. I had an imaginary friend. And my father used to crawl into bed with my imaginary friend and whisper. Yeah. He said, don't say anything. And I would lie there while my father was molesting my imaginary friend. I go, what am I? Chop liver? It's terrible. It's terrible.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know who I feel bad for? In this world, there's a lot of products that people sell that, you know, have a stink on them. But can you imagine being a chop liver manufacturer, salesperson, and all anybody ever says is, what am I? Chopped liver. Like, it's the worst thing in the world. And I love chopped liver.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God. Some eggs on it, some crackers.
David Feldman
Unbelievable.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Remember the AIDS diet pill?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes, there was.
David Feldman
There was an AIDS diet pill.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was an appetite suppressant called aids.
David Feldman
Yes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
And then something spelled a little differently came around, and it was a much stronger way to lose weight.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God. The pounds just fell off.
David Feldman
Fell off.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And there was. There was also a children's. I'm not making this up. You lived in la. There was a children's furniture store, and it was called Sid's Furniture.
David Feldman
And they made cribs.
Greg Fitzsimmons
They made cribs. No, I swear to God, I'm not making that up.
David Feldman
Wow.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Sid's Furniture. Children's furniture.
David Feldman
Sid. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Syndrome.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
David Feldman
I had not. When I was a baby, I had not so Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. They kept. My mother kept putting me face down on the pillow. It was not so sudden. And then Child Protective Services came in. Remember Corona beer?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah, yeah.
David Feldman
Coronavirus. And people thought, are we gonna have to change our name?
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's right. Do you remember?
David Feldman
My last name isn't Feldman. My grandparents changed it during World War II.
Greg Fitzsimmons
What was it?
David Feldman
Originally, 6 million dead from the Holocaust. And they said, you know, maybe 6 million dead from the Holocaust is.
Greg Fitzsimmons
What are the odds? I don't know if they got the exact number.
David Feldman
They got the exact number and they said, let's change it to Feldman. But it was a beautiful name. Six Million Deaths from the Holocaust Awards.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, what about the police are 9 11. And that's what you dialed on that day in 2001. That one actually worked out really well.
David Feldman
You're right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
And what are the odds? Now think about this. Lou Gehrig, right?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Had ALS and he played for the Yankee, and they were American League A L s, and he died from a. What are the odds that Lou Gehrig would die from ALS and be an American Leaguer, Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, what about this? What about Magic Johnson? Got aids and he's still alive and his name is Magic.
David Feldman
So the Lou Gehrig joke that I just did, what are the odds? Because everybody goes, what are the odds that Lou Gehrig would die from Lou Gehrig's disease? So I used to do that in my act about the als, because it was to shit on people who did the Lou Gehrig. So one of my first jobs was writing for Dennis Miller, the show on hbo. And I had done his talk show, but we hadn't really met. He hired me based on my packet.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Your package or your packet.
David Feldman
The thing you submit into his mouth. My packet. Can you take a look at my. No, you had to put a writing packet, and he, you know, he would read it blindly. He didn't care, you know, so. So he. I was lucky enough to get hired, and now I still haven't met him, but we're writing, you know, for the promos, like, jokes, like a month before the show starts, and we haven't gone into the office, and there was a terrible plane accident, and I almost got fired giving him this joke I wrote. A terrible plane accident. Every time there's a plane accident, they dig up the black box, and it's so depressing. You hear the pilots screaming for their mothers. I hate hearing the audio of the pilots realizing they're going to die. If only they can make the black box out of the same material they make the fuselage of the plane. So I get a call from the head writer going, I had to explain to Dennis. He was quickly reading your joke, and he thought you were doing the. Why can't they make the plane out
Greg Fitzsimmons
of the black box? Yeah, right.
David Feldman
I said, no, no. He goes, I had to explain to Dennis because he's reading a million jokes. That was a play on the. That joke.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's hilarious. Oh, my God. I can remember when I first started out, there was a few of us that, you know, kind of started. Me, Joe Rogan, Tom Cotter, Al Ducharme. We kind of all started at the same time. And we would go and we would do these hell gigs, and if the crowd was really, really bad and we were together, we would just start doing the hackiest jokes. We would do the black box joke. We would do this heckler the other day. He's in the back of the room screaming, I fucked your mother. Hey, I fucked your mother. It's like, dad, shut up. We had, like, literally 10. 10 minutes of the hackiest jokes, and whoever went on first got to do most of them. And then if we forgot something, then the other guys would do those, you know, guy walks in late. Can I get you anything? Like a watch?
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And those were some of the funnest shows I've ever done in my life, where you have absolutely no care for the audience at all. And it's. You're just doing it for the other comedians.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Who was your crew when you first started?
David Feldman
Well, I started in San Francisco. So who did I start with? John Ross.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, sure.
David Feldman
Larry Brown, Bubbles Brown, Jake Johansson, Stephen Pearl, Jeremy Kramer. I mean, San Francisco when I was Jeremy Kramer.
Greg Fitzsimmons
People don't know him. And he is one of the great comic minds of all time.
David Feldman
The best. Yeah, the best. I mean, Robin, it's one of those. Robin would have a look on his face.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Robin Williams.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
And when Jeremy performed, because it's pure Jeremy. There wasn't a cheap. Isn't a cheap shot in his act. And Kevin Meaney used to come to San Francisco. He was beloved in San Francisco. And I apologize, I'm leaving out all my friends from San Francisco. Milt Abel, Frank Prinze, Tim Bedoy. I mean, there's so many. I started with, um, but Kevin Meaney and Will Durst. But Kevin Meaney used to inspire me because he taught me that it's not about making an audience laugh. That laughter is an accidental byproduct of genius. And sometimes the audience gets it, sometimes they don't. But Kevin Meaney gave me the courage to do what I thought was funny. And that's why I'm where I am right now in my mother's basement.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He's dead.
David Feldman
I'm peeing into a mason jar. I haven't been outside for six years.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Your website hasn't been updated since my Website hasn't been. The Carter administration. No, it's just I was thinking about Kevin.
David Feldman
I'm true to myself.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I was thinking about Kevin Meaney because I turned 60 this week, and Kevin died when he was 60, and he was my mentor. I don't know if you know the story about me and Meanie. Do you?
David Feldman
No.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh. So we grew up one town apart in New York, in the suburbs of New York. And he used to work at a golf club. My dad belonged to a golf club, and Kevin was a waiter at the club.
David Feldman
Did you wear a bow tie?
Greg Fitzsimmons
He wore a bow tie and a. And a red dinner jacket. That was his outfit. That's why he dressed like that. So he started out, he was 14 years old, and he was scrubbing pots. And then he worked his way up to being a waiter once he turned, like, 17. And he used to perform for my father because my father was in radio in New York, and Kevin knew that, and Kevin wanted to be a comedian, and so he used to do. Here we go. Are you ready for the dessert specials tonight? We got the New York Cheesecake. Cheesecake Boats are coming. And he did a whole cheesecake dance. And, like, he just did routines all night. And so my father was friends with the guy that ran Catch a Rising Star. And my father got Kevin on stage. Rick Newman. Rick Newman. And my father got him on stage the first time. And then. And then my father calls me up. I'm in college now, and I'm starting to stand up comedy. And he goes, do you remember that waiter from Nolwood? The funny waiter named Kevin? And I go, yeah, of course, Kevin. He was hilarious. Well, he's a comedian now, and he's doing really well. This is, like, in 1996. Wow, he's doing really great. You gotta check him out. So sure enough, like, I'm watching the Tonight show, and he comes on and slays like nobody has ever slayed the way Kevin Meaney did on.
David Feldman
Gets called over to the couch.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know Johnny's head is on the desk and he's pounding his fist, he's wiping his eye. It was like nothing anybody had seen before. Right, I see that. And then about two months later, he's headlining Catch a Rising Star in Boston. At this point, I think he was living in an L. A or New York. And so I go out to the show. Kevin hasn't seen me since I was probably about 12 years old. And because I was the kid at the pool at the golf club going, kevin, can you give me another coat? And so he walks off stage. I wait for the crowd to filter out. I remember Jay Charbonneau was there, and I knew Jay. And so Kevin walks up and he sees me and he goes, fitzsimmons. Like he recognized me.
David Feldman
Wow.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And so we hung out all night. And then he knew I was doing standup, and he used to help me. I used to open for him on the road. And then as I got older, we became very close friends. We were on the phone together constantly. I was in his wedding party, he was in my wedding party. And then he moves to la, meets a woman, starts dating her, and they realize she was my next door neighbor who used to babysit us while he was serving drinks to my parents at the golf club at night. They fall in love, get married, have a kid, and. Yeah, isn't that crazy?
David Feldman
Wow. Your father changed his life.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes. Yeah.
David Feldman
Your father, you know, you're going to cry. This is true. And I actually have a high school term paper that I wrote about. So I. One summer when I was in my teens, I wanted to get a job in Rockefeller center. And you could sneak into Rockefeller center, but this was before. And so I wanted to work in a newsroom. So I just would go in and ask. And I remember your father spoke to me. And I swear to God, of all the people I met. And I did this for, like, off and on for like, two weeks. I would sneak into Rockefeller center and just try to ask, do you need an intern? I want to work in the newsroom. And your father was so sweet and so supportive and encouraging, and he said to me, just, you know, they're not going to hire you. You're too young, but you got to stick with it. And I like the fact that you're asking. He said, the mere fact that you're just making the rounds and trying to become an intern in the newsroom means you're going to. That's the key to this. Just stick at it, and just wait till you're older. And then he molested me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Then he molested you.
David Feldman
Yeah. Then he molested me, but. Right. But before that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's so dad. That's so. You know what?
David Feldman
No, no, but I'm telling you, I have in my mother's attic, next to the lampshades made out of human skin that she used to sew, is a term paper that I wrote with your Bob Fitzsimmons. And just the greatest guy in the world, wnb.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No kidding me.
David Feldman
And he said, you're too young, but hang in there. And most of success in life is something about wanting it and pursuing it and not to give up. And I wrote a term paper for high school.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
David Feldman
And you know what? I should find it, but it will make you cry.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I would love that.
David Feldman
I think I must have told you that story.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, you mentioned it to me a long time ago.
David Feldman
But, you know, I remember your dad, and it was one of those. I'm being serious. He was just. He just stuck with me. Like, the memory of him, like, oh, they're nice people in this world and they're encouraging and this business, like, I just. He was. You know, and then I found out what he was really like.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He's a bastard. No, but he stuck. Started as an intern, really Clavin and Fitch, way back when. That was he.
David Feldman
Wow.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And he just hung around. He hung around outside the station, and he. He said. He. He basically said that he would do the traffic for them, and so he would get the traffic report from the other station that had a bigger budget to actually cover traffic, and then he would play a helicopter noise in the background, and he would. He would call in the tray. He called himself Trevor Traffic. And he was an intern, and that's how he got on the air.
David Feldman
Wow.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Wow. Great guy. Great guy. I didn't know that about Kevin, but it makes sense. Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And Kevin, it's just so weird to me because turning 60, I just specifically remembered that he had died at 60. And it was one of those things I thought about this week during my birthday is what that meant. First of all, my father died at 53. So, like, did he die at 53? 53, yeah. And his parents died in their 40s, so, like, I feel like I'm on borrowed time, you know? Like, I mean, I'm in way better health than my father ever was, but.
David Feldman
Your father died in a hail of bullets.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was a hail of bullets in Harlem. Yeah.
David Feldman
He was going under the name Bumpy, I believe. Right. He was Bumpy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And it's amazing. They got him. He was under my mother. He pulled my mother right on top of him, and they still got him.
David Feldman
That's a great way to die, using your wife as a human shield.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. But, yeah, so I was thinking about the. You know, Kevin died at 60 and, you know, what a life he had and how there was. He was sort of like, going through a transition at that point. He was getting. He was getting back into stand up. He was finally writing new material. There was like. He had just signed with a new agent, and, you know, it was just. It was such A tra. Anyway, let's. Yeah.
David Feldman
I don't believe in death. I really don't. You know, that's the great thing about being a comic.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Is we don't do death. We do resurrection. We did it right. Every day is Easter for a comedian. At least my act was Easter.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Because I would die on stage, and then it took about three days, but I'd get the audience back.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right. You'd rise, and it was a fucking miracle when you rise. Yeah. People just couldn't believe it.
David Feldman
But I don't do death. I don't think about death. I'm not going to die. And that's. To me, that's what comedy is. The denial of death.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. I have.
David Feldman
And the denial that I'm not talented.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, now I really do think that, like, I have zero fear of death. If anything, Like, I look forward to it. I just. I'm. You know, I don't have luck.
David Feldman
Well, it's your title, my friend. Uber Eats also offers another service. Great, huh?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, that would be great. You gotta. Well, now you gotta go to Oregon. No, I'm really not. Like, I feel like I did my job. My kids are raised. I mean, I'd feel my wife would have to be alone, but she'd do fine. But I get. I don't care. I really don't care if I live much longer.
David Feldman
Really?
Greg Fitzsimmons
What do I have to.
David Feldman
Are you being serious?
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, I really don't care. I don't care. I don't. I don't love life. I'm not passionate. I don't wake up every day like, oh, it's another chance to prove myself. Like, I sort of feel like I figured out my place in the world. I've got a really good life, but I'm not really feeling it. Like, I've created a really good life. Amazing friends, great wife, good kids, make a decent living. But it could all end today. I'd be fine.
David Feldman
I would be very. I get up every morning. I'm being serious. I get up every morning and I can't wait to take on the day.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I mean that.
David Feldman
I do mean that. I really do.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
David Feldman
Yeah. I'm excited.
Greg Fitzsimmons
What vision do you have of the day? That's wonderful.
David Feldman
I look forward to doing my show. I like reading the Internet, looking for stories to talk about, trying to interpret. I'm fascinated by the world. So I look forward. I feel blessed. And I think every day I tell that to the humans that I keep in a cage in my mother's basement. Every day is a gift Every day is a gift. Think of. No, I. I'm filled with so much contempt and hatred for humanity that certain types of people that. I don't want to die. I want to fight bad people.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah. So I can see that that's fuel for you. You're a witness. You're bearing witness.
David Feldman
No, I want to hurt bad people. Bullies.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Is there anyone you would kill if you had an opportunity? You're not going to get convicted. Nobody will know it was you. You, with your bare hands, maybe a knife or a gun can kill somebody. Are there people that would be on that list?
David Feldman
No, I would like to beat somebody up. I sometimes imagine when I'm working out, I sometimes imagine it's like if you could choose between sex with Natalie Portman or being at a traffic stop and pulling some young, good looking 35 year old guy in a Porsche out of the car because he's blasting music and just looks like he's never been punched. And it's, you know, and I'm told you get Natalie Portman for the night or you get to beat the shit out of that guy. I would choose to beat the shit out of Natalie Portman. No, I would.
Greg Fitzsimmons
She looks like she's never been punched.
David Feldman
No, we don't joke about.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, we don't.
David Feldman
We don't joke about hitting because I used to be a woman and I got hit. No, but I would probably, if I could beat up a guy in front of his girlfriend and humiliate him and he's like a right wing Republican D bag, you know, it like works in real estate, something, you know, that would pick up truck. No, no. He would have to be pulling down a couple hundred thousand a year.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay. Yeah.
David Feldman
White teeth, gray, tan. Ask me about my kids, you know, my kid's the number. You know that guy, that guy. To beat him up and humiliate him in front of his wife and if he has kids and then.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You mean you want the kids in the car watching.
David Feldman
Yeah, Now I'm getting excited and piss on him like Johnny Sack did. Remember Johnny Sack?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Of course, yeah.
David Feldman
See that, to me, to be able to pee on a guy that you just beat up.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah.
David Feldman
Because I have trouble peeing.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, and it would be that at the end there'd be that long pause and then the shake with another stream five seconds later. Shake with another stream.
David Feldman
Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Because let's be honest, you or I alone with Natalie Portman. What are we really going to accomplish? You know, it's. There's not going to be eight positions and 52 minutes of screaming. It's. It's going to be a pump and dump.
David Feldman
It's going to be who cries first? Who's going to cry first, me or her?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes. Some people have simultaneous orgasms. This will be simultaneous crying.
David Feldman
But you remember beating up a guy. Have you ever beaten up a guy?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah, yeah. Many times.
David Feldman
I've never beaten up a guy. Well, I play an Oscar in my dreams. I've beaten up. I've fisted a couple of men, sure, but that's not beating up a guy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. It doesn't make the same sound.
David Feldman
No, it doesn't. No, but. So you've beaten up a guy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, I used to play hockey. I played ice hockey my whole life. So there was always a lot of fights. And then. Oh, yeah, I was big on standing up for. If I saw a woman being abused in any way, I jumped right in. I got it. I got a few of the. I was very fast. I could punch very fast. And what you learn is in fights, there's usually not more than a couple of punches thrown. In a fight. In a fight, once you get punched in the face, you don't want to fight anymore. So if you're the guy that gets in the first punch, you usually win.
David Feldman
Wow. And what does it feel like? I mean, when you hit somebody in the face, how does your fist feel?
Greg Fitzsimmons
It hurts. And your wrist hurts? I remember once my wrist was sore for like a week after I punched somebody.
David Feldman
So you had to switch hands?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I switch hands.
David Feldman
Are you a lefty or a righty?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I'm a righty, but I never hit my kids.
David Feldman
Never once you hired somebody?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I hired a. I hired a guy and Irish guy. Of course. You never hit your. You never hit your kid, right?
David Feldman
I kicked them. You did, but never hit them.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
David Feldman
I would never, ever, ever.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Isn't it amazing what percentage of Americans still believe in spanking your child? It's literally like 70% of Americans think, I have no urgent child is okay.
David Feldman
I have no urge. I never have an urge to. To hit them. I. I did occasionally shoot them in the knee. I would kneecap them. No, I would.
Greg Fitzsimmons
The thing about you is you will start a joke not knowing what the punchline is either.
David Feldman
I know. All I know is just say something horrible. Just start off self righteous. The key to my sense of humor is act self righteous and then pull the rug underneath.
Greg Fitzsimmons
But I was starting to say before, like, I looked at your website and I was like, all right, so David Feldman is supporting himself with this podcast. How does it Work are there. You must have ads, right?
David Feldman
I don't do advertising. Yeah, but they run ads on some of the platforms.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
David Feldman
That I'm on.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then you also do people. People donate to the show. But then I went to. And you have people donating to St. Jude's and all these places and then you go. Or if you're done that then you can donate to my show because they need the money more than I do.
David Feldman
Yeah, I should probably change that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
David Feldman
Fuck St. Jude's St. Jude.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So much fucking money now.
David Feldman
They're great saying no. St. Jude's is. And the thing is they don't turn anybody away, so.
Greg Fitzsimmons
But shouldn't they charge the ultra wealthy?
David Feldman
I don't want to talk about sick kids and stuff. Like, I just know St. Jude's it's pretty amazing stuff. So, yeah, it's hard for me because I am listener supported. Although I do make. There are certain platforms where ads run.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
But I don't have any say in that. But it's mostly listener supported. And my feeling is it's really tough to ask people. Most of my listeners are losers, poor and really disgusting when you think about it. And to ask these pathetic humps for money if they have to choose between me and St. Jude's I really have no respect for these D bags if they're going to give me money first instead. I mean, it's hard to ask people for money. But I am listener, mostly listener.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, and you sell coffee mugs.
David Feldman
And then I have a. So I have an apron, a chef's apron that says, I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea. Do you see that? Can you see it on my store?
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, I didn't see it.
David Feldman
I have. This is. So I try to do a those
Greg Fitzsimmons
must sell like crazy.
David Feldman
And they do it now to piss me off because it's so offensive. And I thought, wouldn't it be funny to have a chef's apron? Like, mom walks in and the chef's apron says, I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea. And she's serving food and people buy it to spite me. And I've actually asked my listeners, go to my store, check it out. Don't buy the I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea apron. Cause it really hurts my feelings and I can't take it down because I need the money. So I mean, if I have to choose between you buying the I hope you're in the mood for diarrhea apron and not buying anything, buy the diarrhea. But look at the other merch, please. And they. And my audience hates me. It's a mutual feeling.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And they go, you know what?
David Feldman
I'm going to piss. If I have to give him money, I'm going to buy the diarrhea. Abram, that's like my number one or my number two. Actually, there it is. My number two. What is diarrhea?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah. I guess it's like a number one and a half.
David Feldman
Number one and a half.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then if you're good at. If first base is kissing and second base is feeling a breast, and third base is manual stimulation.
David Feldman
Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And home is sex. What's anal?
David Feldman
Playing for the Mets. I don't know what that means. That was like, you know, if that were. If this was the 1970s and you were the. Oh, that was so quick. I don't know what that joke meant.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Maybe it was the. Maybe the dugout. Maybe the dugout is anal.
David Feldman
If you're a lesbian, what are the bases? Probably a different sport.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. I would think it would be more like field hockey, where there's yard lines that you go to. All right, listen, we're not gonna wrap this up.
David Feldman
No.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yep.
David Feldman
No, no. I every. I don't get to talk to you. This is the only fun.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I. I'll do your. I'll do your podcast.
David Feldman
I don't have guests on my show anymore. No, seriously.
Greg Fitzsimmons
What?
David Feldman
I don't have guests.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, lucky you.
David Feldman
I did a long time, and it got to the point where the shows were six hours, and it was six hours of me talking to people. And at some point about four years ago, I just said, why don't you talk? So I just talk on my show now.
Greg Fitzsimmons
How long is it about?
David Feldman
Latest one is I talk for a. I have. It's called Logaria. Diarrhea of the mouth. Speaking of diarrhea, I can talk for long stretches of time. It's not interesting.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And how many do you. What do you do? One a week?
David Feldman
I do three a week. I go live Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday at 6:05pm wow. On YouTube.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you'll talk for an hour or two?
David Feldman
Easily an hour?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Yeah.
David Feldman
I mean, I prepare, I have notes, and I ramble.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
David Feldman
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, I did one last week. I did a solo show last week, and I really stressed myself out because I didn't think I'd have enough to cut. Cause I don't do them that often. I do like three or four a year solo. And. And I'd love to. Because booking guests is very difficult. You know, you just never know if you're asking people and they.
David Feldman
But you're great at.
Greg Fitzsimmons
But you're great.
David Feldman
I mean, you're the best at talking.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Thank you.
David Feldman
You do you like. I don't want to stop.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
David Feldman
I mean, this is like. You're like Natalie Portman.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I got it from my dad. Thanks, dad.
David Feldman
Yep.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Family business.
David Feldman
No.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, well, listen. Listen to the David Feldman Show.
David Feldman
I go live on YouTube and some other video platforms at 6:05 Eastern Sunday night, Tuesday night and Sunday. Tuesday and Thursday.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then if you miss it, you can listen to it at YouTube.
David Feldman
Yeah, it's just up there.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
David Feldman
And.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And the day just. David FeldmanShow.com is the website if you want to get links to all this stuff. Want to buy the. Hope you like Diarrhea Apron or any of the mugs, or just get in touch with. You can email David at the site so you can send him your thoughts.
David Feldman
And I come to your house and I'll make love to your wife.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Any family member.
David Feldman
Any family member.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's what's amazing about you, is you. Any age, any sex. With the right money, you'll come over the house and just. No, no, hang on.
David Feldman
Not any age. Under the age of 18. I do it for free. No, see, this is. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I charge. No, I don't. This is. No, I. But I will come. If you're. If they're above the age of 18 and the money's right, I will allow you to pleasure me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And is there a maximum age?
David Feldman
Preferably dead, because then there's less small talk. We can get right to work. So if you have any loved ones, if you have somebody in a cage. Grandma's in a cage. You have let me come in and we should have stopped when you said to stop. Now I'm.
Greg Fitzsimmons
This is. This is good.
David Feldman
This is when. This is. This is the bonus.
Greg Fitzsimmons
This is the after party.
David Feldman
This is the story of my career.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, David Feldman, thank you very much.
David Feldman
I love you. I really love you.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay, we'll talk soon. Okay, bye.
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: David Feldman
Date: April 15, 2026
In this hilarious, freewheeling conversation, veteran comic David Feldman joins Greg Fitzsimmons for a riotous and deeply personal discussion about comedy, mortality, the legacies of comics, fighting on and offstage, and the emotional spectrum of middle age. There’s equal parts raunchy banter, sharp insight into the craft and business of stand-up, and poignant reflections on family, connection, and the meaning of life. The pair riff on Jewish and Irish roots, comedy gatekeepers, their mentors, hack jokes, and surviving (and thriving) in show business while battling self-doubt, aging, and societal expectations. The tone is irreverently honest, darkly funny, and unexpectedly heartfelt—as only two comics can deliver.
1. On Comedy and Death
2. On Comic Gatekeepers
3. On Jewish and Irish Comedy Dominance
4. On Self-Deprecation and Failure
5. On Crying and Male Vulnerability
6. Raunchy Physical Bits
7. Heartfelt Reflection on Greg’s Dad
| Timestamp | Segment Description | |----------------|------------------------------------------------------| | 00:58–04:28 | Greg on crying, masculinity, and movie catharsis | | 10:03–11:15 | Aging, legend status, generational torch | | 12:58 | Feldman’s “youthful shaft” bit | | 21:00–22:56 | Holocaust vs slavery jokes boundary | | 25:26–27:39 | Jews & Irish in comedy; gatekeeping | | 29:33–31:18 | Hack jokes & standup police | | 34:03–37:19 | Greg’s onstage brawl with Simka | | 40:41–43:17 | Dice Clay’s Dangerfield set, Rick Rubin, and legacy | | 47:34–50:21 | QAnon, Adrenochrome, and Epstein “pizza” riff | | 61:19–66:18 | Kevin Meaney connection, encouragement, and impact | | 69:48–71:44 | Comedy as resistance to death | | 77:27–78:27 | Parenting, violence, and shifting cultural mores | | 83:09–87:30 | Podcasting, merch, and heartfelt tribute to each other|
The episode maintains the raw, fearless, and darkly satirical style both comics are known for—swinging between raunchy and touching, with sharp comic observations and deep industry honesty. There are frequent, rapid-fire riffs, callbacks, and classic inside-comedy references. Both men display disarming candor around difficult topics (emotions, failure, death), revealing the vulnerability behind the comedic bravado.
To hear David Feldman’s podcast, check out The David Feldman Show (DavidFeldmanShow.com), and support him—just please, don’t buy the “I hope you’re in the mood for diarrhea” apron (unless you want to).
Final words:
"Comedy is the denial of death." — David Feldman (70:22)
"I love you. I really love you." — David Feldman to Greg (87:30)