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This episode is brought to you by LifeLock.
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Between two factor authentication, strong passwords, and a VPN, you try to be in control of how your info is protected.
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But many other places also have it, and they might not be as careful.
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That's why LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it, guaranteed, or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year.
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Visit lifelock.com podcast for 40% off terms apply.
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Foreign.
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Hi, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. My name is Greg Fitzsimmons. Grew up on the East Coast. Now I'm on the west coast. And it is September 16th as I record this, and it's 80 degrees. Went in the beach. Yeah, I went in the ocean. Here's the thing. I live exactly one mile from the ocean. So yesterday I'm sitting in my little bonus room in the back. I got a La Z Boy, I got a little lap pillow. I put my laptop on it. I got my Bose speaker sitting over there. I got my spin drift on a little side table and I write. I wake up, I have some breakfast, I take a Ritalin and then I go get my 10,000 steps around the neighborhood. I walk around Venice. By the time I get back, the Ritalin is kicked in and I'm ready to go. But instead of getting in the La Z Boy, I said, it's fucking 78 degrees. Let's go to the beach. So I put my laptop and my spin drift in my bag with a towel, some sunblock, and I drove the three minutes it takes me to get to the beach. Paid $9, walked onto the sand. Empty, not empty, but very few people on the beach. The tourism is down. People are boycotting the United States of America. So anyway, I get a nice spot, I set up my chair. Umbrella won't work because I forgot to bring that little screw thing that puts it in the sand. So I'm laying out there, I'm pasty white, as you might notice, and I've got. I got the, the spray sunblock all over me. I got my laptop out and I'm working on this script. I'm developing this script for Bill Burr, and I'm working away, and then I put my in the bag and I said to the people at the next blanket over, hey, do you mind keeping an eye on this? I'm going to jump in the water. I got a laptop in there. And they're from Europe, so they. So they're not friendly. Anybody else make a couple jokes? Yeah, we will Watch bag. It is good. We will take turns power walking on doing calisthenics. So I go in the ocean and the waves were good, they were healthy. And I was doing some body surfing. It was, it was a, it was a low tide so I had to walk way the fuck out, like waist deep water out about hundred yards to get to where the waves were breaking. So I'm riding the waves and all sudden this guy starts pointing to me and pointing at the beach and the lifeguard is out there with this red little foam contraption and he's waving me over and waving me in. And so now I, I start coming in and it fucking takes me like 10 minutes to get in. And the guy goes, yeah, you're, there's a rip tide, there's a rip current. And you know, you're an older gentleman and you don't seem like a good swimmer. And I'm like, motherfucker, are you fucking kidding me? I'm not old, I'm in my 50s, you piece of shit. I've saved, this is not an exaggeration. I have saved two people on that beach in the last 25 years. I am a certified junior lifeguard. Not a lifeguard, but I got the junior lifeguard degree. I fucking carried a dude who was drowning, I swam out to him, I got him in a cross chest carry, no lifeguards anywhere. I fucking dragged the guy in, I get him almost all the way in and then all of a sudden now the lifeguard sees us, comes screaming out, grabs my guy, my guy. And we had, we were almost there, we were almost at safety, feet were on the sand, grabs my guy, brings him in. Now everybody's cheering for the lifeguard. I get sucked back into the wave and now I can't get out because I'm fucking exhausted from carrying this guy. So anyway, that was one save. And then the other save was my friend Evan. We were boogie boarding and he went, there was a wave and we both went up on it and then I pulled back because I saw that it was closing out, which means it goes straight down into the sand. He didn't pull off, went head first into the sand, came, came up unconscious. I fucking grabbed him. He came to, he was going in and out of consciousness, grabbed him. I got the boogie board underneath him. Waves are crashing into us, no lifeguard. Where were these motherfuckers then? So I'm dragging him in, I get him into the sand. Two saves, two saves on that beach. And this motherfucker, I called him, David Hassell Hoff Which I thought was kind of clever. Anyway, I go back to get my bag from the Europeans and they're laughing at me. And, you know, as a skinny guy who's pasty white on the beach, I don't want to be laughed at. That's. I. I've cotton got. I've kind of gotten over being self conscious on the beach, but I didn't like it. Anyway, the guy I saved, his name is Evan Dunsky. He's a neighbor who I've known for 25 years. Very dear friend. He and his wife Lisa, who's like the godmother of the. We have a neighborhood that's very close. Everybody knows each other. We do everything together. And she's like the godmother of the neighborhood. She's amazing. So they got this house up in Vermont and we went up there last year for our 25th anniversary and. And we had such a good time that we planned a trip and a bunch of like, literally my closest Gibbons wasn't there. But other than that, it was like some of the closest people in the world to me were up there. And we spent five days in Vermont. Not a fucking drop of rain. It was high 70s the whole time. They've got this beautiful old farmhouse with like six bedrooms with the wraparound porch. And they are out in the middle of nowhere. Literally all you see is forest and Mountains in 360 degrees. You drive up a long driveway to get to their house. They got a pond. The pond. They dredged it last year. So now it's big. It's like the size of like, I would say like one and a half hockey ranks. And it's beautiful and it's cool water because it's fed from two different streams. And then they built a big deck on it and a sauna. Like a six person sauna. Beautiful. Like Swedish fucking cedar wood. So you go in the sauna for like 25 minutes. It's 185 degrees. You get out, you dive straight into the cold pond. You swim around for a little while because people throw you balls. You catch them in the air, you know, like the dock is like a few feet up. And then you sit in these Adirondack chairs in the sunlight and you bake for like a half hour. Then you do the whole thing all over again. And we basically spent five days doing mostly that we did. I left the property once in five days and that was to get an ice cream cone in town. And then we were back. Within an hour, the Dunskies were there. Matt Malloy and his wife Cass. Matt is an actor who you know from. He was in that show Paradise. He was in Election As Good as It Gets. He's a big actor and been a dear friend. My wife went to college with him and his wife Cass, who's a. She's a first AD she did all the Mamet's films. And I forget she works for a bunch of big directors. Mary Fitzgerald, who's my friend, who's a writer, she's written on Cougar Town and Blackish and Lucky Louie that I wrote on with her. I've known her since college. And so it's all these people I've known for 25 years and my wife and Tom O', Neill, author of Chaos came up, who I've known for 30 years. And we just laughed. It was just constant laughter. For five days. They had planned a menu. It was all this incredible home cooked meals with, you know, peach cobbler from the fucking tree in the front yard. The peaches were hanging off of it, blueberries off the tree, pancakes and running charades. We played. There was a corn moon, which is the. The full moon closest to the autumnal equinox. And it's the corn moon because that's when the, the Algonquins would. They named it that because that's when the corn was ready. It's like the first full moon in September. So we get a corn moon, which is all about gratitude. That's the idea of it. You're happy that the crops are done. And so we, we took a big thing of mushrooms and just stared at the moon and chilled. Jumped in the pond. I mean it was just fucking great. Watch the US Open, ate clam chowder. We went in the woods and just sleeping late, it gets cold, it gets down to the 40s at night. And we were sleeping till 9, 10 o', clock, which I never do. And then we got lost. Me and Mary Fitzgerald, Gerald and Tom o', Neill, we went into the woods for a little hike, like Gilligan's Island. It was supposed to be a little tour, like a little short, maybe a 45 minute hike. So we're out there and we're walking and walking and an hour goes by and we're like, where did we come from? Which way do we go? Because we thought we were making a circle.
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B
But.
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A
And my, my secret was I said, keep the woods on your right. And after a while, Mary's like, you realize the woods are on the right and the left. And so we are fucking lost. And meanwhile there's poison Ivy up to our knees in some spots. And I'm wearing shorts. Tom's wearing shorts. Tom was going to wear fucking slippers that he got from Ross dress for last week. Go put some fucking sneakers on. So we're walking through poison ivy. There's a bear shit that's the size of a fucking. Of a gallon of milk sitting in the middle of the. There's bear tracks. And so we start to get a little nervous. We're like, all right, it's late afternoon. It's starting to cool down. Where would we sleep? We didn't bring any water, of course, or a granola bar. Nothing. We're just alone in the. And we just keep walking. And we start finding side trails that we think are a shortcut. And we walk down steep hills. Dead end. Have to climb back up the steep hills. All of a sudden, two hours goes by, two and a half hours, and Tom is freaking out. He's blaming me and Mary. It is not our fault. All three of us made every decision. And so after a while, we were just, you know, three hours. And then we come up over a hill, and we look up, and there's a valley. And in the valley is this farmhouse. And we're like, fuck, if there's a farmhouse, there's a road. We're like, yes, we're saved. So we walk down through, like, a cornfield. And we get to the house, there's a big sign, beware of dogs. And it looks like. It looks like a place where people don't like outsiders, which is a lot of Vermont. There's a lot of leave me the fuck alone. And so we gotta walk through the yard to get to the driveway. And we are scared shit. And we get to the other side, we find the driveway, and we walk like a half a mile down this narrow driveway. And we're like, all right, we're gonna get to a road. And then all sudden, this fucking pickup truck comes pulling up the driveway. And it stops about 10 yards short of us. And somebody screams, get the fuck off my property. And we're like, fuck. And we're hiding on the side. And then they pull up and it's Lisa. It's Lisa Dunsky, our friend in her pickup truck, which we didn't recognize, so we had to jump in the back. It turns out my wife. I don't know why, but my wife has Tom o' Neill on her gps. You know how you can track people's phones? She follows Tom, which is a sordid journey if you're following Tom. O' Neill through la. It's a sort of. So anyway, we get in the back of the pickup truck, just ashamed. Everybody's laughing at us. And we get back and whatever. I took a long shower with a lot of soapy water to get the poison. I didn't get poison ivy on my legs. I have no fucking idea. But to this day, Tom o' Neill blames us. He knows nothing about the woods. Uh, what else Emmys were last night. Did you watch them? Mike Gibbons, my buddy Mike was the head writer, did a great job. A lot of funny bits. Uh, my favorite moment of the Emmys was, of course, when Elizabeth Banks, who I believe I kind of remember as an actress, how do they pick these people? She gets up and she starts reciting her whole resume of what she's done in her career. It was weird. It was very awkward. And then she goes, she was doing the best director in a limited anthology series, which was pretty competitive this year anyway. She goes, well, this is a historic year for five out of the six nominees are women. Big round of applause. She makes a couple comments about finally and blah, blah, blah. And then she. And then she announces the winner. It's the guy. It's Philip Barantini, the guy who did Adolescence, which. How did she not know he was going to win? It was by far the best thing on TV in years. It was amazing. And I fucking laughed so hard. My wife actually said, it's not that funny. It was. It was that funny. It was Hollywood at its worst. It's the. It's the. It's the part of Hollywood that the other side just fucking hates. All right, tour dates coming up. Denver Comedy Works. This is one I look forward to all year. September 18 through 20. This weekend, come on out. It's one of the best clubs in the country. I'll be in Connecticut at Mohegan Sun Comics, 9-26-27. Fairbanks, Alaska. I'm doing, like, four nights and I think two or three different venues. So if you go to my website, there's a link and you can see where I am each of those nights. Vegas at Brad Garrett's, 10-13-19. He stole the show at the Emmys. Also, he did a bit with Ray Romano that was fucking hilarious. Best Buddies benefit at the comedy store in LA. That's October 30th. That's going to be a lot of big names. Get your tickets for that. Chicago, The Den Theater, November 8th. Then I'm coming to Skankfest in New Orleans. San Francisco in December. Hasbrouck Heights New jersey at bananas. 12-26-27 fitzdog.com for all tickets and information. My guest today. I gotta tell you something, I'll be honest with you. My guest today. We've known each other barely. Like we've got the same agent, we don't really work in town at the same club. So I just, I've had a bunch of five minute chats with him and I've always heard great things about him. I watch his standup, I think he's hilarious. But we just never like connected and I was a little nervous. I was like, what's this gonna be like? I don't know this guy. And so he comes on. I gotta tell you something. I had more fun on this podcast than I have had in a long time. We just, we just cracked each other up. We just were silly. I think you're gonna love it. He's very successful guy. He was on America's Got Talent. I think he came in second. Does that mean anything? I think it does. He's a big draw on the road. Does very well. He's been on Marin, this is. He just got his, his fifth stand up specials out now. The stuttering comedian. He's got a podcast called Did I Stutter? And I think you're going to love this. Here is my hang with Drew Lynch. My guest today is Drew lynch, who is, you know, very fortunate in a lot of ways.
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B
Thanks.
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A
You know, you're not hard on the eyes.
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B
Thanks, Greg.
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A
Geez, you're very funny. I mean, okay, you're happily married.
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B
Okay, well, now. All right, what is this?
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A
Stop it.
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B
One truth and two lies. I've never played this.
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A
Don't be that comic.
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B
All right, all right.
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A
You love your wife?
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B
I love her.
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A
Did she hold up the sign in your new special to begin the applause sign?
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B
Yeah, she did. She did. Isn't she beautiful?
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A
She's not hard on the eyes either.
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B
I know. She's a. I'm very lucky. She's very tall.
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A
She's tall. She's got a rocking body, rockin bad personality.
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B
Personality is a four. No, she's a, she's a good person.
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I think, I think having a personality, if you could have. All right, let's, let's quantify this.
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Love it.
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You can have a wife who is physically a nine. Personality an eight.
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B
Okay.
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A
Or physically an eight personality is a ten.
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B
Oh, I'm taking that every time. Yeah. And this is on a scale of 15.
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Yes.
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B
Yeah, I'm taking that for sure.
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Do you think it's less gay to have Sex with a trans. What is it, transvestite or transsexual?
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B
Either way, it's. It's cancelable. So go ahead.
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Trans is less or more gay than having sex with a gentleman.
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B
I think it's. I. I've done both.
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I don't believe that.
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B
No, no. And not at the same time. I'm not an animal.
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A
That would be good. At the same time.
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B
Right. I'm like, it's not gay.
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You know what I mean? It's like salad and entree. Bring them at the same time.
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B
What? Steak, salad.
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A
At the same.
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B
Yeah, I don't think so. What's wrong with the. I'm a tr. Like, I think Santino says this. It's bonus tits, Right? Like, it's bonus tits. You know, you already have a. You know, you already have the parts going in and out, and it's like, all right, well, what's an extra? What's a surprise in the front? That's fun. You're telling me you don't like surprises, Right. Frustrating. People who are transphobic, they just don't. They just want things regimented.
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A
I think I would also, and I've never had a gay experience, but I would have. I. I certainly would have at a certain point in my life if it had presented itself to me.
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B
Yeah.
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A
I would have. Absolutely. Because I loved, you know, Iggy Pop and David Bowie and Mick Jagger.
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B
Yeah.
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A
You know, all the great poets, Ginsburg and, you know, Emerson and Whitman. Like, it was all there. It was all gay.
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B
Maya Angelou. Yeah. You said poets, but I just went to. With poets. I think she's a poet.
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A
Is she a homosexual?
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B
I don't think so. So I don't think she belongs in this. In this at all. I was just trying to say, like, I. I've read a poem.
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A
Yeah. So did you enjoy it?
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B
Yeah, it was. I mean, it wasn't even hers. I don't. That is insane.
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A
Yeah.
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B
No, it was ESL. Yeah. It was T.S. eliot. E.S.
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A
Elliot.
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B
T.S. eliot. Sorry. I know. Isn't that stupid that I messed up my favorite poet Slash musical Cats.
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A
He wrote Cats.
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B
Yeah. He wrote all the lyrics to it.
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A
No kidding.
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B
Yeah. Yeah. Maya Angelou did the music.
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A
Okay. See, that's the thing about you, is you get into the real downtown theater.
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B
Yeah. Yeah. Where. Yeah. Where, like, you know, where it's like it was written by, you know, by somebody who, you know, was. Where you're. Who's at a dinner. You know what I mean? Somebody who's like. Yeah. And this person just wrote a musical and you're like. You wrote a musical.
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A
And they're like, yeah, right, right.
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B
Just like that.
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A
And the thing is, writing a musical is not difficult. No, it's really not.
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B
It's not. It's the same format.
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A
It's the same. Like, musically, it's very Rogers and Hammerstein. Like, it took two of you.
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B
Yeah. You can't. Who did what? Someone was like, la, da, da, da, da. And someone was like, da. Two people you need. You just couldn't finish the melody.
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A
And the words are. And you came home today. Yeah, la.
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B
Now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Come on, let's get back to your gay experience, though. You were talking about how you might. You might or you wouldn't want. You would have.
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A
I had a friend who was. First of all, I'm not. Even though I started this interview by telling you that you were attractive.
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B
Yeah, sure.
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A
Let's forget that happened.
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B
I already forgot it.
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A
I don't think you did. I think a man would. Hold on.
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B
Yeah, you're right. You're right, you're right. I've been thinking about it this whole time.
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A
It kind of changed your whole energy when I told you that.
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B
I know. I was kind of bummed to come do this.
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A
Yep. Yeah.
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B
So that's kind of nice, that.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Yeah. And I. I've. I. I know we've talked about stuff since then, but I just. I can't remember what. What it is.
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A
I know it sort of sticks. Right. In the frontal lobe.
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B
Right. It was something about. Something about. Something about. It was some. That's it. It was. It was the. It was the transvestite.
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A
Now, when you. When I said frontal. Frontal lobe, did that, then take it to another level.
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B
I know. I just knew where to compartmentalize it.
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A
I went.
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B
I went to my. If you're like, hey, I need you to access the. The. The left back cortex quadrant.
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A
Right.
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B
I would say I'm in my analytical part of my brain. Right, right. Which actually you would need to locate what it is. The thing. Isn't that funny? You kind of have to like. Oh, that's that part that's in control of keeping all in charge. That's why I probably have, like, tumors over there. I use it way too much.
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A
Do you use the. The. The rear part?
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B
Yeah, the rear part, yeah. Of. Oh, yeah. And the brain. And. And, dude, Paul's already nodding off.
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A
Oh, my God.
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B
Paul.
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A
He has narcolepsy. Do not take that personally.
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B
Literally doesn't laugh at anything. Now that we've mentioned him, he's laughing Passive. So passive.
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A
It's passive. And he's a people pleaser. He's codependent. And then Amber.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Will just. She has narcolepsy. And what's the thing where you yell a lot?
- [23:41]
B
Female Tourette's.
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A
Female Tourette's. Right. She's female.
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B
Female Tourette's. The female Tourette's. So. So we got to the cortex by saying something about when I said. Oh, yeah, you said that the lobe. Yeah, I accessed it because you were able to tell me, can you. Can you access, you know, somewhere to find which frontal lobe in order to recall something else that we were talking about before?
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A
So you use all different parts of your brain.
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B
It's really just the one. I don't know much about any of the other parts.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Haven't ever felt like I needed to investigate.
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A
Right, right. Did you do well in school?
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B
Yeah, I did. I did, honestly. But I'm not a. I'm not a dynamic thinker. I'm not a very smart person. I just work hard.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And so, like, in school, it was very much like, this is how you have to learn this and you need to learn it. I was never a. Why? You know, I have friends who. They didn't do well in school, but they're so smart. You know, my brother's that way. He just. He's like, I don't understand the point. I already know. I know what it is. I just don't know why we're using it and learning it and trying to apply it to a real life thing. Is it like. And how it would translate? I never even thought that far. I was just like. I just know that this is what I have to do. And if I can get 10 out of the 10 questions correct, great. I did my job. But I didn't retain any of that information.
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A
So when you took that information in, you weren't sort of like, looking at it thematically or existentially. You were just. It was rote regurgitation.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Get the good grade.
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B
Yep.
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A
Go to college where I didn't see Jesus Christ.
- [25:19]
B
Yeah, well, I knocked out. Here's the thing that's. I wrote, I knocked out my first year of college. Here's how hard I worked. I knocked out my first year of college in high school with AP classes. So then I was like, I'll take a year to just come to Los Angeles, California. And then I. That. And then I just never went to college.
- [25:39]
A
I was like, what was your GPA in high school?
- [25:42]
B
Four point. It's gonna sound douchey. But probably two or two, three.
- [25:46]
A
Really?
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B
Yeah, yeah. Like, Asian people were sitting next to me when I was graduating.
- [25:50]
A
Right. Yeah. That's a good sign. Yeah, I had. I had guys in jerseys, a lot of guys in sports jersey sitting next to me.
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B
Yeah, I mean, that's a. I mean, it's. It's all the same. It's all relative.
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A
No, it's not. The Asians are.
- [26:06]
B
Yeah.
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A
You know.
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B
Yeah. I was just trying to. I don't know, I just felt bad that that was your experience.
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A
Do you feel inferior to people that have college degrees?
- [26:15]
B
Like, I was just going to say yes before you even finish.
- [26:18]
A
Yeah, yeah.
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B
Just all the time.
- [26:20]
A
You do?
- [26:21]
B
Oh, yeah. If we're getting serious. Yeah. So as it relates to comedy, Fitz. And this is the longest conversation you and I have ever had so far.
- [26:28]
A
That is interesting.
- [26:29]
B
And counting.
- [26:30]
A
I. Yeah.
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B
Unless we're. Are we done, Paul? Oh, God. So forced. All right. And so. Yeah. Honestly, in comedy. So I wasn't a. I wasn't a store guy. I wasn't. No. I mean, I wasn't a. Like, I didn't know much about the. About the. About the improv or about. About. What's the other one? Laughter I started as a door guy at Flappers, never even wanting to do comedy.
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A
And Burbank, before you wanted to do comedy, you were a door guy.
- [27:02]
B
Yeah, I didn't even want to do comedy.
- [27:03]
A
No shit.
- [27:04]
B
Yeah. I moved out here when I was 18 to do acting. Remember the gap year? I was like, I'm gonna act. I went to a theater performing art school. That's why I knew the T.S. eliot thing. Sorry, we're just peeling back the. Peeling back the curtain here. This is why I knew ES or TS Eliot. One of the two.
- [27:17]
A
The Wasteland.
- [27:18]
B
Yeah. And so I did a bunch of. Bunch of theater, like, theater specific schools growing up. And then I came out here my first year to do acting and I was like, comedy will be the perfect night job. Just working at a comedy club. I'll have the days free to do auditions and all that stuff. And. And then just got into it after, you know, I couldn't. I couldn't get booked anywhere because I had an injury when I was really, really young, stuttered and didn't shut down the left side of my body. So I wasn't able to get hired anywhere as an actor anymore.
- [27:49]
A
So when you watch the comedians. Because I think there's two different sort of motivations for getting into stand up comedy. One is you watch people that are so amazing that you're inspired. And you say, I would, you know, someday maybe I could even, like, get on a. And then you got people that you watch and you go, like, I could do that. So which was it? Wet flappers for you, man.
- [28:13]
B
Actually, I think it was just born from. I have no other options.
- [28:18]
A
Right.
- [28:18]
B
So there's a third. So there's a third. Yeah, there's a third way.
- [28:21]
A
So you didn't, like, watch Jeff Garland and say, I, I want to do that.
- [28:25]
B
Well, hang on. Because that's a whole other bracket. I only watch Jeff Garland.
- [28:29]
A
Yes. Um, I have JGTV now. Do you hi. Def. The premium channel.
- [28:34]
B
Do you seriously?
- [28:35]
A
Yeah, that's.
- [28:36]
B
I mean, I think he charges a lot, but it's also like, he's, you know, he's worth it, so. But I don't like how they're repackaging television either. It's like, you could have just got that, like, Jeff Garland, you could was just on a channel that you just could, like, tune into. He was with all the other stuff, too. You got Seinfeld, you got Friends, you got Garland.
- [28:52]
A
Yeah.
- [28:53]
B
And now it's just like, they repackaged it. It's just frustrating.
- [28:56]
A
It's. And it's, it's so niche, and it's so, like. And now they're running ads, so you will watch a Curb episode. But then the commercials are all ones he's done in the past.
- [29:07]
B
I know.
- [29:08]
A
Goodyear tires.
- [29:09]
B
Yeah.
- [29:09]
A
Wendy's.
- [29:10]
B
Yep, yep. It's, it's. When does it end? It's like black mirror becomes Curb.
- [29:15]
A
Yeah.
- [29:16]
B
Or just mirror. I mean, I'm an ally. And so anyway, so I, I, I got into it because I just couldn't get hired anywhere in a comic that the comics that were there, like, I couldn't get hired anywhere as an actor. So the comics that were there were like, hey, you should just go on stage, talk about your situation. And so the first mic that I ever did was there at Flappers, and I was stuttering very badly. I was very nervous to talk about just anything. And the jokes weren't good. It didn't go good. But it was the first time that I had felt in forever, like I was just quietly understood by other people. They could experience. They could understand that there was pain behind what it was that I was saying, and just trying to find the. Find what was funny about it.
- [30:05]
A
So that's interesting because I think to some very smaller degree, most comedians feel that when they go on stage, they feel like so many comics have social anxiety, and then they go on Stage and, you know, with any kind of phobias, you either run from it or you take it head on.
- [30:26]
B
Yeah, yeah. And that was just where I felt like there just wasn't any other option. I didn't want to not perform. I grew up my whole life performing. So it wasn't about, like being. Being in front of other people and the idea that they're judging me for the way I sound. Like, yeah, that sucks. But that's not going to stop me from still wanting to do it. I just, I love it so much. So standup was like the next best thing. And it's also such a singular art form. You're in charge of the writing, you're in charge of the how you perform it, how you want to revise it and edit it and then, you know, direct it, how it's perceived. Like there's so much that you could just market it now. Amber, come on. Where's the fits?
- [31:06]
A
Send out.
- [31:06]
B
Where is it? Where is it? There it is.
- [31:08]
A
Drew lynch, currently on show, coming out soon. Send it. Touching the 12 characters.
- [31:14]
B
Please don't change cameras when I'm working so hard to. Thank you. Touching that.
- [31:17]
A
There you go.
- [31:20]
B
Wait, hang on. I'm trying to touch it here.
- [31:21]
A
That's good. That is the rear.
- [31:27]
B
I'm going to make your f come. Sorry, what?
- [31:32]
A
That's funny because my favorite comedian of all time and well, that the person. People go. People go. Who inspired you to do stand up comedy? Bob Newhart. Who had a stutter.
- [31:42]
B
Yeah, yeah, he was. But Bob Newhart, like, I don't know. I'm not super familiar with what, what it is that he did, but I know that, like, I've heard that he was just a very, like, endearing comic. I've heard actually people say that, that, that they were like, they were like. I see a lot of the same tendencies in your. In Bob Newhart as you and I've never seen a lot of his stuff.
- [32:02]
A
Oh, you should see him. He's so good. There's the documentary coming. Is it out yet? Judd Apatow is making a documentary about him.
- [32:11]
B
Is it on Garland?
- [32:12]
A
It's if it's on.
- [32:14]
B
If it's on. If it's on gtv, I'll.
- [32:15]
A
I'm now, I think it is on jgtv, but in the fall, you know how he always does a huge. I feel like too much stuff in the fall and it's like we're not on the season system anymore.
- [32:27]
B
What are we doing? We have the 90s.
- [32:29]
A
You could do it. Yeah, it's not the 90s. It's not, you know, friends must watch TV. It's. It's Garland. You don't Must watch. You want. It's. Want watch tv.
- [32:38]
B
Yeah. If I can't say the R word anymore, you can't syndicate.
- [32:41]
A
That's right.
- [32:42]
B
Yeah.
- [32:45]
A
We have the same agent. I want to talk about that.
- [32:47]
B
Okay. Yeah, we can do that, too.
- [32:48]
A
Valentine.
- [32:49]
B
Valentine. Yeah, he's great. I mean that, too.
- [32:53]
A
His name's not great.
- [32:54]
B
No, because there's a J in there.
- [32:56]
A
There's a J.
- [32:57]
B
And there's. He's Dutch.
- [32:58]
A
He's Dutch.
- [32:59]
B
And it's kind. I mean, and he's.
- [33:00]
A
Well, he's a Rubian.
- [33:01]
B
Yeah, A rub. A Rubian.
- [33:04]
A
Ruben.
- [33:06]
B
I love. Dude. Corned beef. Sauerkraut mustard. I kind of do a lot of mustard. Some people overdo it on the sauerkraut. It's frustrating. You need corned beef. There's no pastrami.
- [33:17]
A
Yeah.
- [33:17]
B
Yeah. But I have mixed it with a pastrami as well.
- [33:21]
A
Gotten a little.
- [33:21]
B
Gotten a little. Gotten a little silly. You know what I mean? Kind of com. Kind of combining heritage. You. If you. If you. If you breed too close to your own genetics, it's not gonna. You know what I mean? You know what's gonna happen? So you gotta introduce a little straw me to the corned beef. You know, But I think he's Arabian Nights. He's Arab.
- [33:42]
A
He's Iranian.
- [33:43]
B
No. Hey. Yeah. Which you can't be anymore, unfortunately. So I think he's just. Oh, no, he is. He is. He is. He's black, I think.
- [33:55]
A
You know who's black.
- [33:56]
B
Yeah.
- [33:58]
A
And this is gonna shock you.
- [34:00]
B
It will. I. I already can kind of feel.
- [34:01]
A
I'm gonna just see adolescence. No, I know you didn't see adolescence.
- [34:06]
B
If it's. If this is a concept or a show, I haven't seen it. And I also haven't seen my own either because I kind of blacked out for most of growing up.
- [34:13]
A
You didn't see your own what?
- [34:14]
B
Adolescence.
- [34:15]
A
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [34:17]
B
I know.
- [34:18]
A
All we have are some snapshots and they're fading.
- [34:20]
B
That's right. My dad saying, you know, my dad, like, you know.
- [34:22]
A
You know.
- [34:23]
B
You know, just yelling at the coach. The yelling at the coach for not putting me in because I'm not good, and then yelling at me later because I'm not good.
- [34:29]
A
Cut out the middleman.
- [34:30]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [34:31]
A
Is it funny when they yell at the coach?
- [34:33]
B
Yeah.
- [34:34]
A
Your kids, son.
- [34:35]
B
Yeah. What do you want me to do?
- [34:37]
A
You want to.
- [34:37]
B
You Want. How selfish do you want to be right now? The whole team is doing well because he's over there.
- [34:42]
A
Right.
- [34:43]
B
Making sure everybody gets orange.
- [34:44]
A
That's right. And you. And you know. You know.
- [34:47]
B
Yeah, yeah, you. Oh, no. You know, and then the obligatory. He made the all Stars and everybody did.
- [34:53]
A
Yeah. But you were. You were not of that. I guess you are a lot younger than me. You were of that generation where everybody plays, right?
- [34:59]
B
Yeah, pretty much.
- [35:00]
A
How old are you?
- [35:00]
B
Oh, I'm 34. But also just at the cusp of it, really. At the cusp of like. Like, like the hard. Like, not everybody gets a trophy. And then some. And then kind of going into. Everybody gets a trophy. And I miss the times when everybody. I didn't even get a trophy at the times when. In the early times. And I missed those times because that was. At least. That was clear. It was an accountability. You have something to work towards.
- [35:21]
A
Right.
- [35:22]
B
Get. Get better or develop or develop a personality or something else. Develop something else about yourself or end it all. We have options.
- [35:32]
A
There is not enough people ending at all.
- [35:36]
B
What did you do?
- [35:37]
A
You got to do sports. Sports. Really good for you. Not if you suck at them. Then it's really bad for your self esteem.
- [35:42]
B
Definitely.
- [35:42]
A
You feel small. You feel. No offense, Amber. You feel feminine.
- [35:47]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [35:48]
A
You know, next thing you know, you're like thinking about your own period. Your own period. No, I think it's good that you went into theater instead of sports.
- [36:01]
B
Well, I think that's.
- [36:02]
A
You could have been a wrestler.
- [36:03]
B
Thank you. And also. Ow.
- [36:09]
A
No. Wrestlers are kind of the ultimate athletes. I mean, it's a lot of sports. It's the original sport. Fighting another guy.
- [36:17]
B
Yeah.
- [36:17]
A
For something.
- [36:18]
B
Yeah. And to do it hard.
- [36:20]
A
Yeah.
- [36:21]
B
You're just like, I just got to figure this out.
- [36:23]
A
Yeah.
- [36:24]
B
Yeah.
- [36:24]
A
Well, you do it hard, which means you really want to be on your back because you don't want to be on your stomach.
- [36:30]
B
Right.
- [36:30]
A
But that's where you get pinned.
- [36:31]
B
Yeah, I know, I know. So it's. It's. It's. It's like down for the count and it's like, you count to three, what's gonna happen first? You know?
- [36:38]
A
Right, right.
- [36:38]
B
Yeah, I get that. But I don't know. I feel like. I feel like coming over from. And I did sports for way too long.
- [36:45]
A
Yeah.
- [36:46]
B
Way long. Like, it was like, you're not good. Like you need a new career. Like, we're going to try technical school, like whatever. Like a new thing. So when. When the idea that you like theater or your personality or Whatever. You know. Paul, do you mind?
- [37:00]
A
Jesus Christ, Paul.
- [37:01]
B
Like, literally, I hear him with his. With his flag. Flag him coming up into his.
- [37:06]
A
So sorry about that. G. Inflamet. Really?
- [37:10]
B
It's very Valentine. You know, Valentine Germanic.
- [37:14]
A
And. And a reic at the same time.
- [37:16]
B
Yeah. And. And I think he's. And I think he's white.
- [37:20]
A
He is white. Oh. So anyway, getting back to the black guy.
- [37:23]
B
Yeah.
- [37:23]
A
It's going to shock you.
- [37:24]
B
Yeah.
- [37:24]
A
There's a guy on the show who was also in Peaky Blinders.
- [37:28]
B
Oh, on. Not on. Not on this show. On the show that you're talking about.
- [37:31]
A
We do not. We do not.
- [37:34]
B
Yeah.
- [37:35]
A
You know what I'm saying?
- [37:36]
B
Yeah. You don't even have to go ahead.
- [37:38]
A
That's why when you told me you were. I was like, well, this is new.
- [37:45]
B
Yeah.
- [37:45]
A
You know.
- [37:46]
B
Yeah.
- [37:46]
A
But this guy is. His grandmother's Jamaican, and he said at the Emmys. Did you watch the Emmys last night?
- [37:53]
B
Absolutely not. No.
- [37:54]
A
Oh, don't be that guy.
- [37:55]
B
No, absolutely not. I wouldn't. I couldn't even. You couldn't pay me to. I mean, if I was on. No, no.
- [38:00]
A
You don't want to see the Grey's Anatomy cast come out and sing?
- [38:06]
B
They. Wait, hang on. If they. If they. Are you telling me if I miss that, then I'm going to be actually pretty upset.
- [38:11]
A
Garland came out. Garland came out.
- [38:15]
B
Literally, the hits. Just like. When does it stop? It's like wrestling. When. It just keeps coming.
- [38:20]
A
Yep.
- [38:21]
B
Okay, great. Well, that's cool that I missed that, I guess, and super frustrating.
- [38:25]
A
So are you that guy that just doesn't watch award shows?
- [38:28]
B
No, I actually.
- [38:28]
A
Not even ironically. I mean, it's totally ironic.
- [38:31]
B
Here's the thing. I love Nate, and I love that he got to host. That's cool.
- [38:34]
A
Yeah.
- [38:36]
B
I. I just. I don't know that. Here's why. I don't know that I watch enough television to care about the. What do you do to. I just. Man, I wasn't prepared for this. No.
- [38:48]
A
What do you do at night if you're not out doing stand up?
- [38:51]
B
I don't know.
- [38:51]
A
You and the whites don't watch tv. You watch sports.
- [38:54]
B
Yeah, I do. I love football.
- [38:55]
A
Okay.
- [38:56]
B
I love football. So. So. So it's kind of actually like football. Like, just like football. It's like if somebody didn't watch the whole season, right. Like. Like, Like, Paul doesn't. And then all of a sudden, he tunes into the super bowl, and. And then all of a sudden, like, you know, and then the Eagles win and he's like, are you kidding me? And you're like, wait, you didn't watch the. So it's like, oh, no. You know, oh, another award for severance. And I'm like, how did it not go to jgtv? You know? So it's like, yeah, you know, it's like that.
- [39:24]
A
I know. Well, I feel like JGTV should have an Emmys, but Jeff is the only one nominated for. For each award.
- [39:32]
B
I know, but he doesn't win. Isn't that wild?
- [39:34]
A
He doesn't win. Susie Aspen gets it every year.
- [39:36]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he doesn't even host either. And you're just like, when. I mean, why is it called. I mean, it's self produced, so who's.
- [39:44]
A
I think they build anticipation. So you keep coming back thinking he's going to be on it, and if he does come on it, maybe you wouldn't watch next year.
- [39:52]
B
Dude. My favorite two things that I think that people should be building is anticipation in the wall. So. But, yeah, so, no, I didn't watch it, but what happened?
- [40:03]
A
Well, the guy from adolescence won, and he came up and he's like, you. He's about your height.
- [40:08]
B
Thanks, man. Oh, so this is why the wrestling thing. Yeah, wrestling guys are all kind of like this, you know, everybody's all into, like, you're thick. Thanks. But everybody's into, like, jiu jitsu. Can I say that? I didn't want to say.
- [40:21]
A
Just say hebra jitsu.
- [40:22]
B
Yeah, everybody's into hibrititude. Hibiscus tea. Everybody's into hibiscus now. And it's like, dude, like. Like, it's macho right now. Good grief. Don't even talk to me about that. So.
- [40:35]
A
Good grief. What are we in a Peanuts cartoon?
- [40:38]
B
Sorry, I've been. I've just been trying to. I'm gonna try to keep it clean for Amber and Paul over there. You know, they seem like wholesome folks. You know what? I'm actually Fitz. I'm glad you asked. I very rarely swear as much on stage now.
- [40:53]
A
I don't know.
- [40:53]
B
It's just. If I could find a clever to do it. I think there's. I think that's just whatever reason. The new. The new challenge.
- [41:00]
A
Yes.
- [41:01]
B
And I also. I look so young. I've got this kind of boyish sort of charm, and, you know, just medium penis. And it's like, I don't need medium.
- [41:10]
A
For someone your height or. Medium.
- [41:11]
B
No, no, no. Medium for a regular dude.
- [41:13]
A
Really? Okay. So that's like when you see, like, a Mexican with a Honda Civic. But then he's got, like, the big fat tires on it.
- [41:23]
B
Yes, yes, yes. Or. Or Iranian or Ruby and.
- [41:28]
A
Or anything.
- [41:29]
B
Yeah, yeah. It doesn't have to be. Anybody can buy a Honda, which I. Which, I mean, is kind of, like, frustrating.
- [41:33]
A
Yes.
- [41:34]
B
And speaks to what's going on, you know, just politically. But I think that, like, it. If. If I just. I have that boyish kind of thing, and when I'm dropping, like, an F, you know, people are like, whoa. You know, like, just. Can he say. Can he say that? Can he.
- [41:49]
A
Yeah.
- [41:50]
B
Like, is he supposed. Is he past his bedtime, like, type thing?
- [41:52]
A
Right.
- [41:53]
B
You know?
- [41:53]
A
Right. So do you think your next special, Nate Bragazzi could produce on Nateland on YouTube?
- [41:58]
B
Is that anything like JGTV or is it different?
- [42:02]
A
Well, it's NBTV, and what it has is Nate instead of Jeff, so if you can wrap your head. I know, I know, I know.
- [42:13]
B
I mean, I don't know. It's like, what, are you gonna leave corporate America for your waiting job? You know?
- [42:19]
A
Yeah.
- [42:20]
B
It's like, okay, yeah, it's a tip system, and you don't have to tax. But at the same time, I've. I've. I've. I've. I've got tenure here. I've got. You know, I've got. I've got seniority that I've built. And, yeah, the benefits are great, and people treat me like crap, and I have to be on Zooms where nobody. Where I'm. Nobody's even talking to me. But, like.
- [42:36]
A
Yeah, but you can't wear flair. There's no shift. Me.
- [42:38]
B
I know, I know, I know, I know. I've gone back and forth. Jeff. Nate. Yeah, so. But I don't know.
- [42:46]
A
Maybe I think you should.
- [42:48]
B
I think so.
- [42:49]
A
He just put out a couple people I know just put out specials with him, and they. I mean, you're doing very well. Your special is getting really good numbers. It's on YouTube. And you'd know if you go on Nate Lane, you'll get even more.
- [43:03]
B
Yeah, I. Yeah, I. And that's what I've gotten. That advice so, so often is just stop trying to, like, be your own. Stop advocating for your own career and stop doing it on your own and do less content on. On your own platform and of you and. And. And do more content that somebody else on. On. On someone else's thing. So it's like, you know, you should be, like, you should be Chappelle Lacy on. On, like, Bill Burr's All Things Comedy that's what people say to me. Like, I wish that you were not you. Your platform.
- [43:44]
A
Right.
- [43:44]
B
Yeah. And it's an elaborate way of saying that, but I, in a weird way, I exactly understand what they're saying.
- [43:51]
A
Yeah. I don't, but the way you said it, it felt like you were really building towards something.
- [43:57]
B
You know what I like to build? You know that.
- [43:58]
A
Yeah, yeah. Anticipation. You're all about building walls, building anticipation, and sometimes structuring a joke in a way that leaves the person kind of going like, okay, why am I here?
- [44:11]
B
Yeah, why am I here?
- [44:13]
A
Why? Why? So let's get back to Valentine. We have the same age.
- [44:17]
B
Yeah, we do.
- [44:18]
A
I look at your tour dates because I'm gonna promote them at the end of the show, and, man, I think.
- [44:23]
B
We should do it now.
- [44:24]
A
Really?
- [44:25]
B
That way, at the end of the show, we have to come up with something different.
- [44:27]
A
Okay. You're gonna be the Chuckle Hut in Green bay.
- [44:30]
B
Okay.
- [44:31]
A
In 2029. That's not, that's all I could find online.
- [44:36]
B
Okay, well, those are going to be scalped, because that's not my website for sure. Oh, but Val Books, far out, though. So if he did do that, like, I know I probably agreed to that, like, at a, at an earlier time, and I was, like, desperate, and I was like, oh, I got to, you know, put. Just get something.
- [44:50]
A
Well, the thing is, the Green Bay market, you have to service it. If you don't get back to those people once every 10 years.
- [44:55]
B
Yeah, I know.
- [44:56]
A
They forget you exist.
- [44:57]
B
It's true. And then all of a sudden, you know, they're, they're just Lambo leaping over to, you know, something sports related.
- [45:05]
A
Right, right, right.
- [45:06]
B
And I, you know, talked about it. I don't do. I'm not good at sports, despite how physically gifted I appear. Paul.
- [45:13]
A
And do you go when you watch sports, does that sort of like, is that hard on you to think about how good they are and how you're the opposite of them?
- [45:25]
B
Yeah. Yeah. But I, I, I'm, I'm kind of just like a radio guy, you know, just like, kind of like, kind of like your podcast and how for some reason you have cameras, even though it's just, it's going to be on the radio.
- [45:37]
A
Right.
- [45:38]
B
Kind of, kind of silly. I love that. Like, these aren't even real monitors that Amber and Paul are looking behind. They say the words type, type, type as well. It's not real, I think. Is that an abacus? I've never seen anything like the stuff.
- [45:51]
A
Paul will pump his fist and you realize that he's playing Grand Theft Auto.
- [45:56]
B
Oh, that's so funny. And you got to be careful with this pumping, Paul. It's got different. It's got different meanings. Okay. Yeah, but I mean, you know, I wouldn't go open palm either. So, you know. Yeah, yeah, I would say. I used to watch. But then. Exactly. For the reasons that you're stating. I don't. I want to. I just. I just. I'm a listener. I'm like. It's like Eisenhower, like, when he listen.
- [46:21]
A
To sports on the radio.
- [46:22]
B
Yeah. I mean, for the purposes. For the purposes of this bit that we're doing. Yeah. And Eisenhower, like, when he would make announcements, people, you know, you know, get on in here. Pap, pap. Come on, you know, meow or whatever people call their relatives nowadays. You know, it's never grandma and grandma, Grandpa.
- [46:38]
A
Yeah.
- [46:38]
B
So get on in here, you know, and like Eisenhower, you know, you know, Dwight, you know, D. Money's going, dropping another. Right. And so then you'd crank up a thing, and then it's like, oh, that's not the volume. It's the other. It's the other module. And you're like, oh, I realize I'm changing the station trying to find the. Trying to find Dwight's own channel that he's already on, which we always know because we love his announcements coming in about, you know, the war. Yeah. You're like, where do I. You know, am I. Am I going to the cellar or am I. Am I above ground tonight?
- [47:07]
A
Yeah.
- [47:08]
B
And so then you're cranking the wrong module here. The wrong knob.
- [47:11]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [47:12]
B
You know, so it's kind. I. I just. I miss those days. And of course, I wasn't alive back then, but I just have stories from. From pip pip and. And chow meow about sitting around the radio. Sitting. Sitting around it, sitting on it. You know, things were stable back then.
- [47:27]
A
You could literally.
- [47:28]
B
You could put a kid on there for. For a school photo and.
- [47:31]
A
Yeah, one of those. Right, right. And you would have the neighbors. It would be a snowy night, and there'd be a candle in the window, and you could see your neighbors with their noses pressed against the glass listening to Eisenhower talk about whether or not, you know, the Nazi. Are they that bad?
- [47:49]
B
Yeah.
- [47:50]
A
Do we need to do this?
- [47:51]
B
Yeah. And I. And, and, and, and. And to. To. To the Nazis, to their credit, it. It was. I mean, Dwight made a lot of announcements, and it was just kind of like, all right. Like, okay. Like, all right. You know, like, I was like the.
- [48:07]
A
Jeff garland of the 50s.
- [48:09]
B
Without. Without question.
- [48:11]
A
People say that a lot.
- [48:13]
B
Without question.
- [48:14]
A
Yeah.
- [48:14]
B
Are you guys recording yet, Amber?
- [48:16]
A
No.
- [48:17]
B
I would say we should get started. You want to ask me anything about myself or whatever?
- [48:20]
A
Valentine. Sloot.
- [48:21]
B
Okay. You said his last name too. Do you want to know something? It's actually Sloat. That's how they pronounce it in Amsterdam.
- [48:28]
A
Really?
- [48:29]
B
Yeah. Because he's aunt. Because he's Amsterdam. He's Amsterdam. What is it?
- [48:32]
A
Paul.
- [48:35]
B
First time. First time he said something all the thing and he. And he jumps in to correct me. Yeah, he totally okay with us just flying different races and heritages. He's just like. He's like, I'm cool with it, right?
- [48:45]
A
No, Conan had Andy Richter. Carson had, you know, Ed McMahon. I got Paul. Even the name.
- [48:53]
B
No last name.
- [48:54]
A
He doesn't have a last name.
- [48:56]
B
Paul.
- [48:56]
A
Yeah.
- [48:57]
B
What's the. What's the. What's the. What's the guy. The Paul guy.
- [48:59]
A
The Paul who plays Paul Schaefer.
- [49:01]
B
Yes. Even that guy had a last name.
- [49:02]
A
He had a last name.
- [49:04]
B
Cool thing about him. Cool little gap in his tooth and you're like, I don't know his name, but I think that that's kind of funny.
- [49:09]
A
I got the Gap.
- [49:11]
B
I used to have it. I used to have it. Yeah, I did. I got Invisalign, which is once you find it, you kinda have to feel around for it. But once you get it in.
- [49:18]
A
Wait a minute.
- [49:19]
B
Yeah.
- [49:20]
A
At what age did you do that?
- [49:22]
B
20, 19. What? So how old am I?
- [49:26]
A
Here's the thing about comedians. Don't you want something like, this is one of the few things I have going for me that's not perfect. And I feel like in a way it's what gives me the traction.
- [49:39]
B
But I. And actually the fact that you put it to words is really what's interesting. Cause there's something so unlikable when you're on stage. And then when I see that you're gapped, I'm like, he's just a.
- [49:50]
A
He's a guy.
- [49:51]
B
He's a regular guy. He's just a guy. Yeah, yeah, he's just a guy. But. But. So it's slowed, right? Slow, slow.
- [49:59]
A
So we work as I look at your calendar and I see these rooms that I work and I think. And then I look at your calendar and you're in the same rooms and.
- [50:09]
B
I just think at the same time.
- [50:10]
A
At the same time. And you even think like, is there even an airport to this quote unquote city that I'm performing in?
- [50:17]
B
Oh, yeah. It's. Yeah. And. And he doesn't, he doesn't care. He'll put, he'll put me in New York and then the next night I'm, you know, I'm. I'm still in New York. He doesn't care.
- [50:26]
A
Yeah.
- [50:27]
B
You know, he'll. He'll be like, go to New York and just be in New York. And I'm like, the city. He's like, oh, there's a northern part. You have no idea how big the state of New York is. You think the city's big? The state is big.
- [50:39]
A
Yeah.
- [50:40]
B
You know, and it's not like, it's not like Tokyo in Japan, where the whole, the whole country is basically Tokyo. It's. It is a different part.
- [50:48]
A
Right, right.
- [50:49]
B
You know, and so he'll be like, go to New York and then just be there for like, like two days. And I'm like, oh, my God. I just. Okay, Rochester doesn't. They don't have avocado. So you're just like, avocado hasn't hit Rochester yet. Now so you and I talk. I mean, so sun dried tomatoes. Not a 2020. I'll be in Green Bay in 2029. When, when sun dried tomatoes.
- [51:09]
A
Well, the tomatoes are dried, but they're not sun dried. They're just really old.
- [51:13]
B
Oh, yeah, okay. So like, so like tomatoes that Val probably got me this year will be dried or very often will look like sun dried.
- [51:23]
A
They're tomatoes the audience threw at you. Cause the gig he booked was so bad.
- [51:27]
B
Yeah.
- [51:28]
A
And then they dry on you and then there's no food in that town. Cause it's a food desert, so you have to eat the pieces of tomato.
- [51:36]
B
Yeah, yeah, I know. Do you think, like, do you think that the accountability system of throwing, like produce and stuff like that is really kind of contributed to the, to the weakness of what comedy has become.
- [51:49]
A
I say that again and again. The stakes are not high enough in comedy anymore. The barrier of entry does not exist. Anybody can set up a camera or three and pretend they're a comedian.
- [52:03]
B
Yeah.
- [52:03]
A
And I think I got to go back to the original comedians, the very first comedians. And you're. And your previous special, you came out as a king, Right. The first comedy job was the court jester. And those were stakes. If you wanted to be a comedian, you could get the king's approval and get like all the ham bones you want. And if you bomb what happens, you're dead. You die.
- [52:32]
B
You die. Yeah. So in another way, even the comics who came up where you could throw Stuff at them. Still weak.
- [52:39]
A
Yeah, we've.
- [52:40]
B
We've devolved.
- [52:41]
A
Yes.
- [52:41]
B
We've devolved from having kings and jesters and the. And. And. And the jester just hope, you know, just hanging by the feast table, just hoping, you know, maybe some sort of sly minx will find her way, saunter over and be like, ah, I really loved when you. You talked about the king in a way that, like, only you could say I have those same feelings about him. But I. You know, we can't, because, you know, we're the people and we're. We're suppressed. So, you know, you just. You hope. You hope that that same thing kind of happens to you as a. As a comedian. Of course, I'm married, and I would never. But I just, you know, it's just. The point is things have really just dissolved.
- [53:16]
A
Yes. And gotten.
- [53:17]
B
Gotten. Gotten weaker.
- [53:18]
A
I think that, you know, comedians today, even the audiences in some of these rooms, like, I go to, like, once in a while, they'll ask me to do a show in, like, Los Feliz or Santa Monica, and I'll be like, all right, it's Tuesday night. I'll go do it. And then I go. And I'm watching the comedian ahead of me, and it's some person. I can't tell their race, I can't tell their gender. I can't judge them on any level.
- [53:47]
B
The way it's supposed to be.
- [53:49]
A
And then they go up and they talk about nothing.
- [53:53]
B
Yeah.
- [53:53]
A
Like, literally just talk, but in a way that's very laid back. And, hey, we're all just hanging out.
- [54:00]
B
No punchline.
- [54:01]
A
No punchlines. And the crowd is looking at them like this.
- [54:05]
B
Yeah.
- [54:06]
A
And they're clapping and they're. And then I go up there and I feel like fucking Bill Maher. I feel like this entitled misogynist. Like. And I'm not. But compared to the.
- [54:19]
B
Yeah.
- [54:19]
A
Person that went on ahead of me, they. They can't handle any aggression at all.
- [54:24]
B
No. Or they can't handle the idea that. That, like, you actually found the best way to say something. And it's actually tried and tested, and it's so funny. In fact, I have a whole list of just references from earlier, even that night, comic shows, audiences who were like, we're laughing. We're laughing. We don't want to kill him or throw anything at him. And you take that over to East. You take it east. All you do is you just. You spend a little time swerving down the 10, and you find your way using a punchline like an idiot.
- [55:00]
A
Yep. Yeah. Like you bring in a gun to a knife fight.
- [55:04]
B
Yeah. Yeah. Or like, you're like. Like you're not. Like, you are bringing just, like, a bow and arrow. I think there's another one, too, that I want to come up with right now. Like a bow and arrow.
- [55:15]
A
You're bringing an eight ball to school play?
- [55:18]
B
Yes.
- [55:18]
A
Yeah.
- [55:19]
B
Like, how. Yeah, my dad. My dad, he had to get through, like, so much when I was growing up, and this was just the last thing that, you know. You know, but I just. So, like, I think that when you. When you just. Yeah. And I watch it, and it's just like, okay. So everything's just okay. And I grew up with a family who, if you didn't perform in a way that met expectations, not just literally perform, but just in any way, there were consequences.
- [55:44]
A
Yeah.
- [55:45]
B
And by that, I mean it was just kind of quiet judgment and resentment. For most of my life, I still got to eat fine. You know, Grew up in a cul de sac. It was a neighborhood where a bunch of, you know, we trusted the teenagers in the area. You know, you look. You do this to a window, and you're like, that's okay. You know, you do that. You're like, what's. It's okay. You know, that's where I kind of.
- [56:06]
A
What town was this?
- [56:08]
B
This was in. It's Las Vegas. And it's in. It's in. It's in Nevada, but it's. It's very close to the. To the border of California and Nevada, so.
- [56:20]
A
Really?
- [56:21]
B
Yeah, it's really close to it. And you actually. This is fun, too. This is kind of funny. If you ever. If you ever. You have to look it up. But if you ever drive from here to Las Vegas.
- [56:31]
A
I am next month.
- [56:32]
B
Oh, very cool.
- [56:33]
A
Okay.
- [56:33]
B
All right, so this will be cool. So if you drive from here, wherever we are right now, and you go west to east, so. Well, not. I mean, don't. I would say, try to go around Los Feliz and Echo park and all that area and Silver Lake. But if you can go east to Vegas, and when you drive, you'll actually come up on these. You'll see lights from a hotel. Okay. And you'll see lights from another hotel. And people talk about. With Las Vegas, one of the big things they talk about is lights. And there's a thing. Things that are called casinos. And people. People. People donate money. And to Italians.
- [57:09]
A
Is it like a fundraiser for Italians?
- [57:12]
B
It's a fundraiser for just the city and just. And for. And for drugs and sex.
- [57:18]
A
Oh, I see.
- [57:19]
B
Drugs and sex and booze and sin.
- [57:22]
A
And you donate to that cause.
- [57:25]
B
Yeah, yeah. It's just a lot of sin. And actually, I mean, sometimes I've. I've never said this out loud, but like, sometimes I feel like when I'm driving there, I'm like. It's like it's a city of sin, you know, is what I'll say. I don't know. And that sounds. That sounds. That doesn't sound right. But that's how I say it.
- [57:41]
A
City of sin.
- [57:42]
B
Yeah. City of. City. City. A town of. A town of bad.
- [57:48]
A
Town of titties.
- [57:49]
B
A town of titties. The Ten Commandments are all broken in this municipality. Yeah, stuff like that.
- [57:56]
A
So they would have the Ten Commandments posted, but then they're each crossed out. Yeah.
- [58:01]
B
And so you need to. You need to be able to pay a guy to cross them out. And so that's where all the donations go to. So when you driving up towards that area, there are. There are lights that you think is actually Las Vegas. L A S V E G A S Las Vegas. Two words. And. And it's not actually Las Vegas, so you actually have to. A lot of common mistake. People stop there and they're like, I'm having so much. You know, my aunt's in a wheelchair, and. And it. Everything's accessible. And that's really cool.
- [58:34]
A
So wait, so as soon as it says, welcome to Las Vegas, isn't there a casino right there? It's got a little roller coaster.
- [58:42]
B
Yeah, but. But there's a part before that, a lot of that before that is where you can drive to.
- [58:48]
A
So you're on the outskirts of the outskirts.
- [58:50]
B
You are. Yeah, you're so. So it's not quite the same. You're not in like, the. The city of sin just yet. You know, you're in like the. You're in like the river of. Of. Of. Of temptation, you know, kind of like. Kind of like that. It's. It's all. It's all very biblical out there.
- [59:05]
A
How old were you when you went to a Vegas strip club for the first time?
- [59:09]
B
Honestly? You know, I've never left. But. But, but. Oh, actually, you know what the first time I actually went was when I was doing the way you were humming.
- [59:20]
A
Panama when he came in here from Van Halen.
- [59:23]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [59:24]
A
Okay.
- [59:25]
B
Yeah, yeah. Yes. I. I'm. I'm. I'm older.
- [59:28]
A
Yeah.
- [59:30]
B
And so I. I actually went to a strip club for a scavenger hunt when I was in. For my senior year. We this Was really cool for a friend's birthday party. All around the city of Las Vegas, It's a city, and all around that city, they hid, like, different clues that you would. And we would drive to go to these businesses and collect the clues that to the next clue. And one of the clues was at a strip club. And my team lost because that was the first time I was at a strip club. And we spent. You know, there was quite a bit. You know, I don't quite remember much about the scavenger hunt after that or that it would ever even matter anymore.
- [60:07]
A
Nothing matters once you get to the strip club. Nothing else. Your marriage, your children, your genital health, like, nothing. It all becomes secondary.
- [60:19]
B
Yeah. Or. Yeah. And genital health. People talk about genital wealth all the time. They're not talking enough about their genital health. You got to really get down to what's. What's going on, what makes it go, what makes it stop, you know, which setting are you on? It's like one of those universal fountains sometimes where it's like, oh, it can do water, but the same machine can also do Pepsi. Yeah. And ice cubes. You know, like, a fridge does that sometimes. And so sometimes you're like, wait, am I still getting a little bit of water in my Sprite? And it's like, no, like, you can actually. Like it's from the same spec out.
- [60:51]
A
Yeah.
- [60:52]
B
And it's just. It somehow is able to stop enough and still start a whole other thing, but down the same tube. It's. Tube. It's fascinating.
- [61:00]
A
So that's an aerial disease.
- [61:03]
B
No, no, really, I haven't, I haven't. I mean, I've never been tested, and I, I'm. I'm, you know, I'm, I don't use the, the things that go over it, but I, I, I've. But not to my knowledge. No.
- [61:13]
A
Have you.
- [61:14]
B
And I've kind of developed a cough, but no.
- [61:16]
A
How many sexual partners have you had in your life?
- [61:19]
B
That's a great question.
- [61:22]
A
Take a drink of water. Think about it. Tap your fingers.
- [61:28]
B
One, two, One, two, one, two, one, two.
- [61:35]
A
Have you really two women?
- [61:36]
B
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, that's the women.
- [61:41]
A
Yeah. Is it a hat? Would you say three and a half would mean a trans. Trans person.
- [61:46]
B
41. Would you say. What? Oh, that was cool. Paul, did you hear that? Amber, do you mind cutting that out, please? I didn't mean for the. Okay.
- [61:55]
A
Wow, she really dug in on that one. What?
- [61:59]
B
Time to take a stand. Paul comes in to correct me on whatever he said before. And then Amber's like, no, your burp's authentic and it's gonna stay right. Even though I did. Even though it wasn't one that I was. I agreed to have happened.
- [62:12]
A
I farted like seven minutes ago. I didn't say a word. But it'll be on the podcast, really in it. See, the bottom actually is where the mic is.
- [62:20]
B
Oh.
- [62:21]
A
Most people. This. The. The sound recording is up top. This one's down there.
- [62:27]
B
Oh, that one was. That one was better.
- [62:29]
A
He almost vomited.
- [62:30]
B
I know that one. The second one kind of wanted me to vomit too. You're talking for a while and then I don't know if that happens, so. But once. So just. It was a few. I would say a few.
- [62:41]
A
You got some of the few.
- [62:42]
B
Yeah. Yeah. But I'm more of like, I'm with ya. I'm with ya for a while. And then you get to know me, then you get to resent me. You learn my tendencies, my conditions, my fears.
- [62:53]
A
What do they represent about you?
- [62:54]
B
The fact that I. It's kind of like you with your teeth. It's like. It's just too perfect.
- [63:03]
A
Then they feel like they've gotta get up before you do their hair.
- [63:07]
B
Yep.
- [63:07]
A
Prep a good meal.
- [63:09]
B
Yeah. It's really that the standards for being with me is just. Is just so high.
- [63:12]
A
Yes.
- [63:13]
B
It's like. It's like. It's like the AP classes of dating.
- [63:16]
A
Right.
- [63:16]
B
It's like, I gotta do. Why you're telling me I have to do the class in addition to the class. Like, how am I doing so much?
- [63:20]
A
It's like, you're on jv. And then the varsity coach says, you know, Schneider's injured, which is obviously a made up name because the Jewish kids never make varsity. But say Jones is out.
- [63:32]
B
Yeah. Oh, there you go.
- [63:33]
A
I could buy that and I could step up. Yeah.
- [63:34]
B
Dude totally threw me out of the story because I was like, but, but, but. Yeah, it's exactly like that when the coach is like, get in the shower and you know, and it's just you and me. Yeah, I get that. Jesus.
- [63:48]
A
Did that really happen to you?
- [63:49]
B
No, no, no, no, no, no. My school is a theater school. We didn't have showers. So. But yeah, I. So, yeah, I saw a few. How about you? Have you. Have you ever done anything sexually?
- [64:05]
A
Over 100 women.
- [64:06]
B
Oh, that's good. What about. What about sex?
- [64:11]
A
Well, they were sleeping. That's gross.
- [64:13]
B
Oh, yeah. Well, I just mean, like, is there a separate. Not. Not. I mean, I'm not, you know, not like they were asleep and you. I'm saying, is there a separate group that was just like, I just want a sex. Am I saying that right?
- [64:25]
A
Is that how you say I just want a sex? Are you in a Borat movie?
- [64:30]
B
Yeah, like that. Like how he would say, hey, I.
- [64:32]
A
Just want a sex with my sister.
- [64:34]
B
I just want the sex. We are Borat, you and me. Like, literally.
- [64:39]
A
Yeah, it's the same.
- [64:40]
B
Yeah, I want this sex right now.
- [64:43]
A
My sister.
- [64:44]
B
I want to have sex with my sister.
- [64:46]
A
She is number two prostitute.
- [64:48]
B
Oh, and sometimes, like, you don't even do the accent. Yeah, I want to have sex with my sister.
- [64:55]
A
Did you have a sister? Yeah. Did any friends ever date her?
- [65:01]
B
Yeah, no. No, none of my friends. My sister's younger and she's also lesb, so that's her nickname. But she's also super gay.
- [65:12]
A
So how old was she when she became gay?
- [65:16]
B
It happens later in life and sometimes it's earlier for her, you know, just 23, 22.
- [65:23]
A
Post college.
- [65:25]
B
Yeah.
- [65:25]
A
Once you're.
- [65:26]
B
Yeah. Once your brain fully develops, you know, then all of a sudden it's like, I gotta come up with something else, you know? And so it's like, maybe I'll try this. Right, and just commit to it. And you know, and then. And then she. And so far she has. And she has. And she has a wife and her wife is gay as well.
- [65:42]
A
Wait, what a coincidence. Wait, her wife is. Her wife is gay and she's married to her?
- [65:49]
B
Yeah.
- [65:49]
A
That's so weird.
- [65:50]
B
They both know. And they knew after they were married. Like, they were married. And then one. And then they told. And then they told each other.
- [65:56]
A
They did?
- [65:57]
B
Yeah. I mean, I was there.
- [65:59]
A
Like, was it like one of those things where you take the balloon and you pop it and either pink or blue comes out?
- [66:04]
B
It's. Yeah. I don't know. What. What are those called again?
- [66:06]
A
To reveal.
- [66:07]
B
Is that. What's a. What's a what? What is it? What's it like if you have. I don't know what gender is. I don't. I don't know what that is.
- [66:14]
A
Well, if you're gonna have a party, like, people are going to come over for your christening. Yeah, christening. Now what comes before that? A pre.
- [66:23]
B
Your. The. When you cut the umbilical. When you cut.
- [66:25]
A
No, way before that. When one of the women get. Becomes pregnant.
- [66:29]
B
Conception.
- [66:30]
A
A baby shower.
- [66:31]
B
Oh, gotcha.
- [66:32]
A
Baby shower. You have a balloon and you say, we're going to announce if it's a boy or a Girl.
- [66:35]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [66:36]
A
And then if you. Then you pop the balloon.
- [66:38]
B
Yeah.
- [66:38]
A
I'd see they got pink confetti or blue confetti, depending on the gender. And in. My neighbors had me over last weekend for this. They pop the balloon and it's empty. And I go, what the fuck? And they go, oh, we had an abortion.
- [66:52]
B
That is such the right call.
- [66:55]
A
And I thought, no wonder they could afford the good champagne.
- [66:57]
B
Yeah. Yeah. And the big balloons, because the ones, you know, you don't want to do, the ones where you have to do this before you blow them up, you want to just go. And all of a sudden your balloon is there and your baby isn't.
- [67:07]
A
Yes.
- [67:08]
B
And it's not even a human life. And also, I don't believe in gender. You know, I don't believe in biology. I believe in gender. I just don't believe in biology.
- [67:15]
A
Yes.
- [67:17]
B
So. And I've said this to my sister and all of her. All of her gay, trans and straight friends. I've told them all, you know, and I've said, listen, the deal is this, guys. I don't care if you think you're lesbians. Gender is not real to me. You know, I accept everyone for who they are. And unless it's something that's different than me, you know?
- [67:37]
A
Well, I find that if it's different than me, I just feel like, all right, you want me to understand this.
- [67:45]
B
Yeah.
- [67:45]
A
But I don't.
- [67:47]
B
I don't.
- [67:48]
A
I don't understand it.
- [67:50]
B
I don't get it.
- [67:51]
A
Yeah.
- [67:51]
B
And I. And I. And I, frankly, I don't. I don't really want to spend. It's just. I wouldn't. I really want to, but I also don't because to spend the time. So much time. It's like, what am I, an actor?
- [68:01]
A
Right.
- [68:01]
B
What am I an actor for?
- [68:03]
A
A role of a guy who doesn't care.
- [68:06]
B
I'm preparing for. I am.
- [68:07]
A
Yeah.
- [68:07]
B
I'm doing the Borat voice again. Okay. You have problems, you know, And I'm. I'm imagining right now is them shopping sometimes is difficult in different neighborhood, you know?
- [68:18]
A
Yes.
- [68:19]
B
Just like that. And it's like I. And then that's a fun voice to do. But I don't. I can't relate because my. My life is. My life is. My. Is me. You know, I'm just living me. And I don't. And I just want to. I just would like.
- [68:29]
A
It's a good life. Good life. Don't you, Craig, you're married.
- [68:35]
B
We could talk about it sometime right now, but, like.
- [68:38]
A
Well, that's what podcasts are. You talk about it right now.
- [68:41]
B
I just. I mean, I saw that it was radio, so I didn't know if it was okay.
- [68:44]
A
Are you teasing the next episode of Fitz Dog Radio?
- [68:47]
B
I'm trying to kind of finagle my way into another. Another time.
- [68:51]
A
Yes, yes.
- [68:52]
B
But I want to come back as a producer, and I have a feeling that one of these guys is kind of on the outskirts, but. Yeah, yeah.
- [68:59]
A
Now you have a podcast. It's called Do I Stutter?
- [69:03]
B
Yeah. What Did. Did I stutter? Like, you know, when people say something and then they, you know when people say something and then they're like, you know, well, and then you're like. And you try to refute it and then they double down, which is where somebody commits to something that they. That they say, yes, I've never done it. I have issues.
- [69:18]
A
Yeah.
- [69:19]
B
So. But you. If I've, you know, you. They try the version of commitment where they go. They say, well, did I stutter? You know, yeah, And. And I think. I always think that that's kind of cool when people. When. When. When people just unapologetically are themselves. And it actually makes me uncomfortable if it's different than who I am and me. But I kind of still. I can respect it as a concept, for sure.
- [69:41]
A
Well, I think that's sort of the new world language now is just complete and utter confidence in whatever you're saying.
- [69:49]
B
Yeah.
- [69:50]
A
That's what most social media is. Just a guy who's, I don't know, 21. Explaining to me my retirement policy.
- [69:59]
B
Oh, come on.
- [70:00]
A
How? I don't get it. Let me explain it to you.
- [70:03]
B
In his defense, I really don't think you do, you know.
- [70:05]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [70:06]
B
You know, I know who you're talking about, and I kind of. I follow. I like, I follow him for all of his posts. Then he talked to me about my prostate and I was like, dude, you know, I know. And that's how I was able to explain the Sprite water thing, because it was like, I have such a healthy, healthy, full, robust prostate and genital health.
- [70:27]
A
Yeah.
- [70:27]
B
You know, so, you know, and I think when you have genital health, you have genital wealth.
- [70:33]
A
Yes. Oh, that's good. You know, you should sell this T shirts after your show.
- [70:37]
B
Well, I would, but they're all. They're all sold. And you. I mean, they're flying off the shelves like, like, like, like.
- [70:45]
A
Oh, flying off the shelves like Covid tests in 2020.
- [70:50]
B
Yeah, yeah, whatever the breakfast item is.
- [70:53]
A
If we can be Serious for a second. You sell hooded sweatshirts on your website and they're $70. Okay, can. Can we. Can you explain that on some level?
- [71:03]
B
Yeah, sure. I think that.
- [71:06]
A
Is it baby skin or what's it made of?
- [71:11]
B
Well, I don't know, because the manufacturer is in a warehouse that also does narcotics.
- [71:21]
A
Oh, I see.
- [71:23]
B
In South America. And I did it initially to just be like, oh, they already have an infrastructure here and everything's cash. And so it has to be so high because I'm actually not getting any. I mean, a lot of that money, a lot of it is going to be to, you know, keeping stuff going down, down. Down south.
- [71:41]
A
Well, shelf space in a coke factory.
- [71:44]
B
Yeah.
- [71:44]
A
Where literally a mound is probably worth $20,000. And now if you've got a sweatshirt, which normally a reasonable person would sell for $30, now that. You have to. You have to upsell that a little bit, Right?
- [71:58]
B
Exactly right. Yeah, it's exactly right.
- [72:01]
A
Yeah. Do you bring those to your shows and sell them?
- [72:04]
B
No, no, no, no. I leave them. I leave them on the website.
- [72:07]
A
Oh, I see.
- [72:08]
B
So if you're at home.
- [72:14]
A
Are these made to order or do you have, like, a pile of $70?
- [72:19]
B
It's white hoodies.
- [72:21]
A
Yeah.
- [72:21]
B
And we send you the stencil.
- [72:24]
A
Oh, I see. Yeah. And then you can put in.
- [72:28]
B
And there's a little baggie as well.
- [72:31]
A
Yeah.
- [72:31]
B
And a lot of people, it's the same one that they use for the buttons, for the spare buttons, for like a button down.
- [72:35]
A
Yeah.
- [72:35]
B
But it's not buttons or the cocaine.
- [72:37]
A
The same bag.
- [72:38]
B
I mean, that. Yeah, I mean, I kind of felt like that that was what I was trying to say without implicating myself, but, yeah, got it.
- [72:45]
A
Anyway, well, there's a couple questions I want to ask you. Don't check.
- [72:48]
B
What?
- [72:48]
A
Are you checking the time?
- [72:50]
B
No, it wasn't. I wasn't. I. There's a. I was. There's a calculator app that has a. Has a colon in the middle.
- [72:57]
A
And we're talking about genital health. And you're checking on your colon.
- [73:00]
B
You have genital health. You have genital wealth fits.
- [73:03]
A
Put it on the stencil.
- [73:04]
B
That's it.
- [73:06]
A
Let me ask you this. You've got this new special. It's called the Stuttering Comedian.
- [73:12]
B
I wouldn't.
- [73:12]
A
I wouldn't watch it, but people should watch it. It's outstanding. It's very funny.
- [73:18]
B
You. You don't. You haven't seen it, but you've heard.
- [73:20]
A
I've heard really good things.
- [73:22]
B
Yeah.
- [73:23]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [73:24]
B
Well, thanks. I appreciate that.
- [73:25]
A
You know, you shot it at the Den Theater in Chicago. I did, Absolutely. One of my favorite places in the world.
- [73:30]
B
It is a good. It is a good spot.
- [73:32]
A
Yeah.
- [73:33]
B
And the way that they actually dressed the set, like, dressed it. Dress. Am I saying that right? Dressed. Yeah, the way they dressed, it was actually very beautiful. It was very well shot.
- [73:47]
A
It looked great.
- [73:47]
B
Thank you. I wanted to create an environment where it was like this circus freak type sideshow thing, because for so long, so many people were like, they didn't. They didn't know my name. So they're like, oh, but you're the stuttering comedian. And I didn't really like the fact that it was like, oh, I feel like I'm a. I feel like I'm like a show thing, like a side sideshow thing. And I get it. Marketing's important. You gotta have a brand. And itty stutters. Do it, kid. Do the. You know, but it was. It was for. So I've gone to speech therapy for over, you know, 10 years and trying to just come back to a place where. Where. Where it doesn't matter about the way that I'm saying something. It just matters the things that I'm saying. Isn't that. Isn't that beautiful?
- [74:28]
A
Yeah, beautiful what I just said.
- [74:30]
B
I didn't even plan that.
- [74:31]
A
That was kind of a stencil. That's not gonna stencil on my sweat. My white 70 hoodie.
- [74:36]
B
Yeah. Get it on it. Get it down to. Get it up to America.
- [74:40]
A
Yeah.
- [74:40]
B
Ship it. Yeah. So that's kind of what that.
- [74:42]
A
So you're going on a bunch of podcasts. You went on. Did you go on Marin? Did I see that?
- [74:46]
B
Yeah, before it rip.
- [74:48]
A
It's not done yet, though, is it?
- [74:50]
B
I don't know.
- [74:50]
A
I think he's. I don't know if he's finished making them. But you will be. You will be one of the last people to do probably most podcasts. I think a lot of them right after you. Yeah, just stop.
- [75:04]
B
That is kind of weird.
- [75:05]
A
Yeah.
- [75:05]
B
Do you think it's kind of like a peak situation where they're like, well, that'll be tough to have anybody else. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
- [75:25]
A
Did we just write a musical?
- [75:27]
B
I think it's that easy.
- [75:28]
A
Wow.
- [75:30]
B
I think it's that easy.
- [75:32]
A
All right, now it's time for a thing called Fastballs with Fits.
- [75:35]
B
Oh, God.
- [75:37]
A
I know. I'm not. Look, I'm not a fan either. We needed a segment.
- [75:42]
B
Oh, okay.
- [75:43]
A
I mean.
- [75:48]
B
Who Cares. You know my history, right? Like with softballs and stuff like that. I had an injury from a softball. Did you know that?
- [75:54]
A
But these are fastballs.
- [75:57]
B
Oh, I'm sorry. I misheard you. Go ahead.
- [75:58]
A
See, most guys will get hit with a fastball, but because of your athletic ability inability, you got hit by a softball.
- [76:05]
B
Inability.
- [76:06]
A
Yes, go ahead. Who is your closest male friendship?
- [76:12]
B
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. M, A, L, E. Yeah. Okay. Because I write to my grandma.
- [76:19]
A
Or your post delivery guy. Your post delivery guy. Sometimes you can build up a real.
- [76:24]
B
Can you? Well, I only build two things.
- [76:28]
A
Walls, an anticipation. But what else do you anticipate? More than the mailman coming every day.
- [76:33]
B
Oh, you're dang. Right.
- [76:35]
A
And you have a fence between you and him. That's like a wall.
- [76:37]
B
Two for two.
- [76:38]
A
Yeah.
- [76:39]
B
I am a Labrador at a window, bud. I am.
- [76:43]
A
Mm. Mm.
- [76:46]
B
You know, so. Ooh, this is a good one. You know, I don't believe in male bonding because you. Because all of a sudden, you can develop feelings, and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, no, I don't have any. Bad.
- [76:59]
A
This is why I asked, because I think men have a hard time having feelings with other men. What is it, Paul?
- [77:08]
B
Oh, okay. That's fine. Do you know.
- [77:09]
A
I didn't know we're playing characters off camera now.
- [77:12]
B
Kind of weird. Do you know that Paul's barefoot?
- [77:14]
A
Yes.
- [77:14]
B
Okay.
- [77:15]
A
He does that a lot.
- [77:16]
B
Just don't have an hr. Okay. All right.
- [77:19]
A
He is hr.
- [77:19]
B
Yeah. All right, So I had. Okay, I'll do this. I'll say this. I would say my male friend, which is cool because it's at a distance. You know, I. We text, and I don't. I don't. I don't call, and I don't. I don't take his call. All right. Not that if I were to do calls that I would be the one taking.
- [77:39]
A
Yeah.
- [77:39]
B
Oh, I see it. But my best friend from childhood. Why? I grew up in. I grew up in Las Vegas.
- [77:49]
A
Yes, we've covered that.
- [77:50]
B
Very small town.
- [77:51]
A
And yes, it's at the edge.
- [77:52]
B
Nevada.
- [77:53]
A
Right.
- [77:54]
B
And so his name is Maurice, and he's. He's my. My best.
- [77:58]
A
What do you call him for short?
- [78:00]
B
I call him Mo. He's black. So I. We. We have, like, a thing. And he. You know, he calls me by my full. Full name.
- [78:07]
A
Yeah.
- [78:07]
B
And. And. But we're close. Yeah.
- [78:10]
A
No, I feel like you're making him up. I feel like that's a real person. I want you to call him right now, okay, let's see if he answers. Here's this. Here's a sign that it's your best friend or not. If it goes to voicemail, you think you're his best friend, and he sees you as a guy who sees him as his best friend.
- [78:31]
B
So here, let me show you this.
- [78:33]
A
This many taps to get your best friend.
- [78:36]
B
This is him. Okay.
- [78:37]
A
Checking in on you, bud.
- [78:39]
B
Yeah. Do you see the. Checking in on you, bud?
- [78:40]
A
I'm okay. What's going on?
- [78:42]
B
What's going on?
- [78:44]
A
Whoa.
- [78:45]
B
So, yeah.
- [78:46]
A
Is that what's going on, like, what's going on? Or is it like, what's going on?
- [78:49]
B
It's like the second one.
- [78:50]
A
Really?
- [78:51]
B
Yeah.
- [78:52]
A
All right, so we don't call him right now?
- [78:53]
B
Yeah, I would say that.
- [78:54]
A
Just give him a beat. All right.
- [78:56]
B
Yeah.
- [78:57]
A
Next question.
- [78:58]
B
Told you I didn't want to do the game. Kind of tried to imply that, but.
- [79:02]
A
Who's the worst opening act you've ever had?
- [79:05]
B
Okay, so I was at the Irvine Improv.
- [79:07]
A
Yeah.
- [79:08]
B
And. And I'm sitting at this table and. And. And Valentine. Valentine, our agent, he has an assistant that comes over, and his name's John.
- [79:20]
A
Love John.
- [79:20]
B
Love John. Where I'm sitting at the table and the sound guy comes over and is like, who do you want to. You know, who do you. What's the order of the show? Right. And I'll be like, okay, this is the feature. They'll do 20.
- [79:30]
A
Why would you do this?
- [79:31]
B
And then what's up?
- [79:33]
A
That is not even the question.
- [79:35]
B
Yeah, it is.
- [79:36]
A
It's. I told you something in confidence before the podcast, and you just. I mean, I'm calling Mo now. You know what? Now I'm calling Mo.
- [79:46]
B
Greg.
- [79:47]
A
Hey, Mo. Yeah. All right, I'll tell him.
- [79:55]
B
What'd you tell him?
- [79:56]
A
He's. He's saying.
- [79:57]
B
What are you saying? What are you gonna tell.
- [79:58]
A
He says that he calls you. You don't call him.
- [80:00]
B
I knew it. He would tell you that. That's true. Yeah. So we're not. That. We're not that.
- [80:05]
A
Next question.
- [80:05]
B
Wait.
- [80:06]
A
And I wish you'd take these more seriously.
- [80:08]
B
Do you want me to.
- [80:08]
A
No. I feel like you're being very flippant about fastballs with fits right now.
- [80:12]
B
Okay, well, that is something I'll take to my speech therapist that sentence, but. Okay. All right, so I can't. I don't talk bad about.
- [80:20]
A
People showed up on the road and then they had an opening act for you that was just.
- [80:24]
B
Okay, here's something.
- [80:25]
A
Juggling dildos or.
- [80:28]
B
Well, that's really Funny.
- [80:29]
A
I would be good.
- [80:30]
B
Yeah. Here's one. This is not what happened on stage, but he is sitting in the green room. This is the host. Right. And he's sitting here like this. Like the. Kind of. Like, there's a couch right here. Right. There's a couch. And he's holding the keys on the couch. And then the. Literally, the sound guy comes in. Sorry to have it be similar to the last story. This one's real. He comes in and he goes, all right, what's the order of the show? And then the emcee goes, all right, I'll do. I'll do 15. And then so he's delegating the times. And, you know. You know, I have a huge ego.
- [81:01]
A
Sure.
- [81:01]
B
You know that it's the only thing big about me. And I. And I. And I was like, unbelievable. And I quietly just kind of suppressed that and then just dealt with how he wanted to divide the show. And he was actually very funny, and I couldn't follow him.
- [81:16]
A
Is that true?
- [81:17]
B
No, but it would just. It would just. It would just be me feeding into the narrative of, like, you know, he was so bad, but he actually wasn't. It was just me projecting to the situation. So that's. I'm flipping it to the side. Like something like comedy. You take it somewhere else.
- [81:31]
A
So I was expecting one thing.
- [81:33]
B
One thing, and then all of a sudden, dildo that's being juggled.
- [81:37]
A
Right, right, right.
- [81:38]
B
So, yeah. So I didn't appreciate that at all.
- [81:44]
A
You ever not finish a set on stage?
- [81:50]
B
You know something? I have. I think I've almost always finished the show.
- [81:57]
A
Almost always?
- [81:58]
B
Yeah. Like, I feel like there was one time where it was like. That was 50 minutes.
- [82:02]
A
Okay. Do you do an hour every. Every time?
- [82:05]
B
I do an hour 40. Like, close to an hour 40. Hour 40.
- [82:12]
A
Do you really?
- [82:13]
B
No, it's usually about an hour, but I have done an hour 40.
- [82:16]
A
They always say, how much time do you want to do? And I always say 50. But then I do between 50 and 55.
- [82:22]
B
Yeah.
- [82:23]
A
But I feel like an hour is almost five minutes too long.
- [82:26]
B
I. You know what? I agree with you.
- [82:28]
A
Yeah.
- [82:28]
B
I agree with you. When I watch you, I'm like, that was like, five minutes longer.
- [82:33]
A
Yeah. But you usually only see me do 10 minutes.
- [82:38]
B
So what other questions you got?
- [82:42]
A
Jesus. Where would you like to travel to that you've never been to before? I'm kidding. I would never ask that question.
- [82:53]
B
That's an insane thing to ask another guy. Because if you want to go together, I mean, we. I mean, we, you know. Okay.
- [82:58]
A
But Irvine.
- [83:02]
B
That's funny.
- [83:02]
A
They've got that Spectrum Center.
- [83:04]
B
Oh, I know. There's a bunch of kids counting. Counting their other. All their Pokemon cards.
- [83:10]
A
That's right.
- [83:10]
B
About dinosaurs.
- [83:11]
A
They're throwing coins into the fountain. We go late at night with a couple of waiting boots.
- [83:17]
B
Yep.
- [83:18]
A
And clean the fuck up. Sorry to be in a curse.
- [83:20]
B
Whoa. Yeah. Minecraft is a big thing, and if you're gonna learn about it, it's gonna be at the Spectrum.
- [83:25]
A
Yes.
- [83:27]
B
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- [83:28]
A
All right, finally. What is the hackiest bit that you've ever done?
- [83:33]
B
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That's so good. Oh, okay. I used to. So you'll make fun of me. You're a very seasoned veteran. Funny.
- [83:44]
A
Thank you.
- [83:45]
B
Edgy type of. Type of comic. You know, not a full comic, but just like a type of it.
- [83:52]
A
Right, right.
- [83:54]
B
And I did a joke for a while where I was talking about how is it that pigeons wings go sideways when they're out? You know, they're kind of like gangsters a little bit. And this was recently, too. I've been doing this for a while. I know. And I retired it maybe too early. You know, they kind of do that a little, and it's kind of like they're gangsters and they can't. You know, they're a little. You know, they're a little.
- [84:22]
A
You know, their heads go, like.
- [84:23]
B
Heads kind of go like that.
- [84:24]
A
You know, what's up?
- [84:26]
B
You know, and it.
- [84:27]
A
In it.
- [84:28]
B
And it crushed. Because, you know, people like, like, very.
- [84:30]
A
And they'll steal things. Like French fries.
- [84:33]
B
Yeah.
- [84:34]
A
Right off your plate.
- [84:35]
B
Right off. And so the thing is, is that people, like, like really hacky stuff. And so that was one of my better. Literally one of my better, better jokes. And I. I close with it now and. And I open with it as well. And what do you do in the middle? It's a lot of just, you know, treading water. Yeah. A lot of. Just kind of like I'm struggling here, you know, I'm like, you know, and I. And I. And sometimes I'm even doing this with my neck because I'm like, I want to get to the. You have no idea. Remember what we just did. Well, we're heading there as well. Kind of like how a marathon, it ends right where you start.
- [85:09]
A
Well, it's like a homing pigeon.
- [85:10]
B
Yeah.
- [85:11]
A
It goes out and it comes back.
- [85:13]
B
Oh, it's exactly like a pigeon. I didn't even draw the parallel. You know, I can't draw Despite.
- [85:17]
A
I host the show and I bring people like you on.
- [85:20]
B
What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?
- [85:21]
A
Like, well, like you're an impersonator. Like you, you, you. You're. You're. People say, like, what do you do? You're like, well, I'm an impersonator.
- [85:29]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're a person. But it. But I'm imper. Imperson.
- [85:34]
A
Yeah, it's like an im. It's like an imperfect person.
- [85:36]
B
Like an imp.
- [85:37]
A
Yeah.
- [85:37]
B
Imperson.
- [85:39]
A
Right.
- [85:39]
B
Yeah, I get. I understand. I understand how to hyphenate stuff. Yeah, I'm very progressive. So. But yeah, yeah, so that one. That one was probably one of my better all time jokes. And I think that was the question.
- [85:50]
A
The question is, where can people go see you? And I'll tell you right now, Zany's this weekend in Chicago. Why would you play Zany's when you play the Den Theater?
- [85:58]
B
Well, I'm not. It's not Chicago, it's Nashville.
- [86:01]
A
Oh, that solves that problem. Yeah, that'll be September 19th and 20th. Tulsa, Oklahoma.
- [86:07]
B
Does this come out after you're promoting the dates you're promoting tomorrow? Okay. Okay, okay.
- [86:12]
A
Fresh, baby.
- [86:13]
B
You're quick here.
- [86:13]
A
Yeah, that's.
- [86:14]
B
I just. I saw Paul with no shoes. I just thought, you know, this. I'll never see this footage.
- [86:18]
A
Yes. Tulsa, Oklahoma, September 25th through 27th.
- [86:24]
B
Someone has to.
- [86:27]
A
I love Tulsa, Oklahoma.
- [86:30]
B
It actually is awesome.
- [86:30]
A
It's awesome. They got the Bob Dylan Museum there. They've got the Woody Guthrie Museum. They've got the Tulsa Massacre. Has this incredible museum about it.
- [86:40]
B
Lots of museums.
- [86:41]
A
Leon Russell's recording studio is there. I took a tour of that last time I was in town.
- [86:46]
B
Hey, you. You didn't even get to do shows, did you?
- [86:49]
A
I was supposed to go to a show. I had it written down. But once you see that massacre, you got to go back to your hotel and just spend a little alone time.
- [86:59]
B
Yeah.
- [86:59]
A
Fetal position. Put.
- [87:00]
B
Put. Just trying to put thoughts away.
- [87:02]
A
Yep.
- [87:02]
B
You know, file them away. Yeah, I am going to. There. And I also, I guess it is.
- [87:06]
A
Pronounced Tulsa as opposed to what to tul.
- [87:11]
B
Say.
- [87:14]
A
Like Tulsay Gabbard.
- [87:16]
B
Yeah, just like. I mean, Yeah, I mean, whatever reference you're referencing, just like that.
- [87:22]
A
Appleton.
- [87:23]
B
Dulce Sloan. That was what I was saying.
- [87:24]
A
Dulce Sloan.
- [87:25]
B
Yeah. Yes, exactly. What.
- [87:27]
A
That's what I meant.
- [87:27]
B
Literally the same thing.
- [87:29]
A
Appleton, Wisconsin, October 16th through the 18th. See, that's one of those cities you gotta really. You gotta go out on your Google Maps and look for a cluster and know that's probably a city I'll fly into to get to this other place.
- [87:43]
B
You're absolutely right. And it's enough time in between when I'm doing green bay in 29, so I just feel like I'm, you know, not. Not. I'm not cannibalizing my own market.
- [87:52]
A
You don't want to saturate it.
- [87:53]
B
Yeah.
- [87:54]
A
Stamford, Connecticut. Which I guess you could really fly into New York or Boston.
- [88:01]
B
Yeah. And not even do the. And not even do the Stanford dates.
- [88:04]
A
No. Once you get to Boston, you're like, this is great.
- [88:08]
B
I know. It's all about museums.
- [88:10]
A
Yep.
- [88:10]
B
Yeah.
- [88:11]
A
Or the Freedom Trail. Walk that thing.
- [88:14]
B
No, no. I'm plenty restrained.
- [88:17]
A
Klein, Germany. This podcast actually doesn't go there.
- [88:22]
B
Oh, okay.
- [88:23]
A
But Berlin it does. You'll be in Berlin after that. Then you'll be in Austin, Texas, November 13th through the 15. Indianapolis. And then you got your little helium. Valentine clearly got on the phone with Mark Grossman from Helium. Because you're at the Indy helium, then you're at the St. Louis Helium, then you're at the Portland helium, then you're at the Buffalo helium. Literally, week after week at how much.
- [88:47]
B
Money gross helium is about to just bring in right now. Papering the room.
- [88:55]
A
Yep.
- [88:55]
B
Getting a lot of money from drinks because people need alcohol in order to watch me for a long time.
- [89:01]
A
Sure.
- [89:02]
B
So much money on F and B. F and B. Yep. F and B.
- [89:06]
A
Now, do they get a taste on the hoodie cash after the show? Do they taste.
- [89:11]
B
No, that's kind of exclusive. That's between me, my cartel, and the product itself.
- [89:18]
A
I see.
- [89:19]
B
And my designer.
- [89:23]
A
Drew Lynch. It's been such a pleasure. Thank you for coming on my show. See the special. It is called the Stuttering Comedian, and I didn't see it, but I've seen you many times. You're one of those comics. I stand in the back of the store and I watch and I go, this guy's a fucking pro. This guy knows how to do it. You got a great reputation.
- [89:45]
B
Thanks, Greg.
- [89:46]
A
And people should come see you live.
- [89:47]
B
Thanks, Craig.
- [89:48]
A
All right.
- [89:49]
B
I like that for all the podcasts, that was. Everything we had done up to that point was so sincere, but you convinced me that that one was sincere, and that's what makes you special.
- [89:59]
A
We'll see you next time on Fitz Dog Radio.
- [90:19]
B
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