Fahim Anwar - Episode 1086

Summary

Fitzdog Radio – Episode 1086: Fahim Anwar

Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Fahim Anwar
Release Date: February 12, 2025

Fitzdog Radio Episode 1086 features an engaging and humorous conversation between host Greg Fitzsimmons and comedian Fahim Anwar. The episode delves into various aspects of life on tour, personal struggles, social interactions, and the intricacies of the comedy world. Below is a detailed summary capturing the key points, discussions, insights, and conclusions from their lively exchange.

---

1. Life on Tour and Burnout

Greg opens the episode by sharing his current experiences on the road, highlighting his burnout from nonstop touring since August. He mentions missing two shows in one week, emphasizing his typically reliable track record.

• Quote:
  • Greg: "I've been so burnt out since August when I started promoting this special. I've been on the road non-stop touring with the new hour and I have not been home enough." [Timestamp: 04:00]

2. Meditation and Mindfulness

To combat burnout, Greg discusses his foray into meditation, referencing a book titled Thick which focuses on mindfulness. He advocates for being present in everyday activities to reclaim mental time.

• Quote:
  • Greg: "Be here, be doing this podcast right now. Feel my feet on the ground." [Timestamp: 05:30]

3. Social Media Experiences

The conversation shifts to Greg’s frustrations with Instagram reels, particularly how the platform seems to respond to his snorting with irrelevant content, highlighting the intrusive nature of social media algorithms.

• Quote:
  • Greg: "I start to get a wave of sinus relief videos. I'm not kidding you. It's sending me sinus stuff like it's hearing me snort." [Timestamp: 06:00]

4. Strip Clubs and Social Dynamics

Greg and Fahim explore the social dynamics of strip clubs, debunking the misconception that men frequent these venues solely for the physical aspect. They discuss genuine interactions and the often overlooked emotional connections.

• Quote:
  • Fahim: "A lot of these guys have never talked to a woman this beautiful for this long. It's not even about the boobs." [Timestamp: 17:00]

5. Car Purchases and Preferences

The duo delves into their experiences with car purchases. Greg shares his regret over buying a Mustang, which resulted in costly repairs after an accident, contrasting Fahim’s frugal approach to vehicle customization with his wrapped Audi A5.

• Quote:
  • Greg: "I felt like I loved something material too much and I never have been a material person." [Timestamp: 36:53]

6. Relationships and Living Situations

Fahim discusses the cultural differences in living arrangements, particularly influenced by his Afghan heritage, emphasizing the challenges of meeting parental expectations and maintaining independence in relationships.

• Quote:
  • Fahim: "It's very hard to explain some of these things to people who don't know that. Because they'll take it as a slight." [Timestamp: 53:50]

7. Substance Use in Comedy and Culture

The conversation humorously touches on substance use within the comedy scene, referencing past eras where drugs like cocaine were prevalent among comedians to enhance performance, and comparing it to modern trends with hallucinogens.

• Quote:
  • Greg: "I'm a 58-year-old ball guy with bad breath." [Timestamp: 17:37]

8. Comedy Styles and Audience Engagement

Greg and Fahim compare different comedy styles, including British esoteric approaches versus American observational humor. They discuss the importance of authenticity and the challenges of maintaining engagement without overdependence on certain comedic devices.

• Quote:
  • Fahim: "I just have observations collected over my little... They're so short." [Timestamp: 15:12]

9. Stand-Up Challenges and Open Mic Experiences

The hosts share anecdotes about the difficulties of performing stand-up, such as bombing a set or struggling with delivery. They highlight the stark differences between performing for live music audiences versus traditional comedy crowds.

• Quote:
  • Greg: "I got hit in the chest with an apple when I was opening for They Might Be Giants." [Timestamp: 67:07]

10. Life Reflections and Personal Growth

Throughout the episode, both Greg and Fahim reflect on personal growth, the impact of life choices, and the balance between personal desires and responsibilities. They humorously navigate through topics like parenting, financial responsibilities, and societal expectations.

• Quote:
  • Fahim: "I want my son to have the skills to pay rent, you know." [Timestamp: 54:18]

11. Closing Thoughts and Future Plans

As the episode concludes, Greg promotes upcoming shows and merchandise, maintaining his characteristic humor. He expresses excitement for Fahim’s upcoming stand-up tours, solidifying their camaraderie.

• Quote:
  • Greg: "Fahim Anwar will be coming to you doing his stand-up comedy. One of the best." [Timestamp: 74:14]

---

Conclusion

Episode 1086 of Fitzdog Radio offers a blend of humor, introspection, and candid conversation between Greg Fitzsimmons and Fahim Anwar. They navigate through the highs and lows of life on tour, personal challenges, and the ever-evolving landscape of comedy. Listeners gain insight into the complexities of maintaining authenticity in performance while balancing personal growth and societal expectations.

Notable Moments:

• Burnout and Resilience: Greg's discussion on burnout and his steps toward mindfulness.
• Social Media Intricacies: The humorous yet relatable frustrations with Instagram's algorithm.
• Cultural Insights: Fahim's perspective on cultural differences in relationships and living situations.
• Comedy Industry Anecdotes: Stories about substance use and the dynamics of performing stand-up.

This episode is a must-listen for fans of honest and humorous dialogues, offering both laughter and thoughtful reflections.

Transcript

[A]

Fall in love with low prices.

[B]

All in the Fred Meyer app.

[A]

Get juicy green, red or black seedless.

[B]

Grapes for $1.99 a pound with your.

[A]

Card and a digital coupon. Then find low prices on thousands of.

[B]

Items like sparkling ice water, Kroger brand.

[A]

Chips and more with your card.

[B]

Shop these deals at your local Oregon Fred Meijer today or click the screen now to download the Fred Meyer app.

[A]

To save big today.

[B]

Fred Meijer Fresh for everyone. Prices and product availability subject to change restrictions apply. See site for details. Foreign.

[A]

Hey, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. It's me. I'm at the MGM grand in Las Vegas, California. Not a fan of Vegas. Nice hotel, little too big. I get lost a lot and crowds are good. I'm at the Brad Garrett Club and it's very, very well run. Cindy's taking good care of me, working with Big J Hollingsworth, who's an old friend, Big Irish J. And you know, my wife's coming out for the weekend for Valentine's Day. That's gonna be nice. We'll chill out. We'll make sweet, sweet love on that bed and. Oh, it's gonna be sweet. Something about hotel sex. Let's not kid ourselves. It's just more fun. I don't know why. Maybe because you're, you know, you don't have to think about kids coming home or whatever. But that's fun. Should I even talk about the Super Bowl? Are we tired? We're tired of the Super Bowl. Kendrick Lamar, blah blah, blah, Taylor Swift got booed, blah, blah. I didn't like that. I, I'm not a fan of Taylor Swift, per se. But that, that's cruel. You know, 70,000 people booing you. That's just, that's just, it's not right. As Kevin Meaney would say, that's not right. Um, I've been so burnt out. I've been burnt out since August when I started promoting this special. I've been on the road non stop touring with the new hour and I have not been home enough. I'm not recharging. This past week, I missed two shows. I never, ever missed shows. Monday night I was supposed to be at Largo with Nikki Glaser. It was a Judd Apatow show. Fucking completely missed it. Got a text a half hour into the show saying, where are you? And then Friday night, I had a bunch of spots. This weekend I had like six spots in three nights. And one of them was an 8 o'clock show at the Laugh Factory. And I'm out to dinner in Venice with my wife and two friends. And then my phone rings and it's the manager of the. Of the Laugh Factory going, where are you? And I was like, fuck twice in one week. And so I had to stop down. And now I'm doing a lot of meditation. Where's the book? I'm reading this really good book on meditation. I don't. That's a bad sign that I can't find it. And it's called Thick. Thick, not Hannah is the author's name. And it's about mindfulness. And I gotta find my mindfulness. Be here, be doing this podcast right now. Feel my feet on the ground. If you're brushing your teeth, focus on brushing your teeth. Whatever activity you're doing, think of nothing else. And that will actually give you more time because then you're mind isn't bouncing around, not finishing thought. I don't know, Whatever it were, I felt good yesterday. I did it. And otherwise just a lot of scrolling. Lot of Instagram reels. I guess that's the Instagram has like four different ways of sending out messages and I don't remember which is which, but all I know is this. I'm scrolling reels and I'm snorting because I have snot. I still have leftover cold and I'm. I'm snorting snot and all of a sudden I start to get a wave of sinus relief videos. I'm not kidding you. I'm getting videos about being in Las Vegas. I'm getting videos about having an extra large penis. I don't know how it knows that. No. Is that fucking weird though? It's sending me sinus stuff like it's hearing me snort. This is fucking crazy. We are so far gone. Anyway, I'm gonna get right to it today because I love my guest. Fahiman War is gonna be here in a minute. If you haven't gotten a Sunday papers T shirt, go to fitzdog.com youm can get one that says take it ish. You can get one that says Sunday papers. They're only about 25 bucks, which is pretty cheap. Tour dates coming up. Fontana, California stage red on February 22nd. Then I'll be at the Atlanta Punchline March 6th through 8th. Hollywood improv St. Patty's Day show on March 15th. It will be a great lineup and also unbelievable musical guest to be announced later. Coming to Hamilton. Hamilton, Ontario. Toronto, Pittsburgh, Boston, Escondido, Tampa, La jolla. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come see the new hour. It's killing If I do say so myself. And let's get to my guest. He, you've known, you know him from films like Neighbors, Whiskey Tango, Foxtrot Coffee. He was on Guy Code on mtv Chuck. He was in a sketch group called Goat Face Comedy that was pretty famous. And they had us. They had a run on Comedy Central, I think it was. So anyway, he's got a one hour special. There's no business like show business. He's got another one called Promising Future Star. He's been on Conan Superior Donuts. He's been on Rogan. He's been on Marin, and he's been on this podcast before, but he's back. We had a great talk this week. I hope you enjoy it. This is Faheena Noir. Fahim Anwar is my guest. He's drinking water.

[B]

It's really good stuff.

[A]

It's not bad, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, water is pretty amazing when you think about the. The things that we take for granted in life. Like, water is life.

[B]

I don't drink enough. I always hear you have to have like three giant spark, like, gallons. You know what I mean? As soon as I'll go, like two days, I'm like, I haven't had water.

[A]

I always feel guilty. I'm not. Yeah, I feel that I'm not drinking enough water.

[B]

Is that new? Because I feel like in the 50s, they didn't tell people to drink this much water.

[A]

No. But there were water fountains. If you were white, there was water fountains everywhere.

[B]

It's true. That's open it up to other ethnicities.

[A]

Yeah. Now it's pretty much we can all do it, right. Everybody can go to the fountain.

[B]

Wrong one. Well, you know, it depends who you ask.

[A]

It depends on what state you're in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think there'd be a hose for you. Yeah.

[B]

So more water. Faster.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. Right. And showering. I mean, the hose. There's so many things.

[B]

Like two in one conditioner.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sort of like these conditioner.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't do a two in one thing. I separate it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I do tresemme. It's like a nickel and you get this giant thing of it, and it's good.

[A]

So you're not like bougie. You're not metro sexual.

[B]

No. There was a moment where, like, it was hip to be that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like it's fallen out. Well, now it's all about elk and, like, bow hunting and stuff.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's not cool to be Metro.

[A]

Oh, my God. I forget Metro. I want to Be homosexual.

[B]

Like, go all the way.

[A]

Yes. You know, metro.

[B]

That's when we were putting. We were dipping our toe in the gay pool.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Remember?

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think all the metros from back in the day are just full on homo.

[A]

Yes, that's probably true. I think it's most.

[B]

Like, I say homo because I was just abbreviating homosexual, but not in a bro way.

[A]

You didn't say trans. Sexual.

[B]

Wait, that's okay, though. That's okay, though.

[A]

Wait, wait. Trans is okay?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Transsexual is not okay.

[B]

Transsexual is okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's, you know, when it's. It's the why is what gets you into trouble, like transmission.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Transsexually.

[B]

I think that's okay, too.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. You ever dressed up as a woman?

[B]

I have.

[A]

You have?

[B]

In elementary school.

[A]

Halloween.

[B]

No, I did. We did a talent show, me and my three friends. We did tlc. Oh, no, I forgot. What song is this? Just me coming out as gay on a podcast. Like, that's, like a deep memory that I totally forgotten.

[A]

We're going deep.

[B]

Just the rest of the pod is just me grappling with my sexuality. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be in Vancouver this weekend doing shows. I have to completely rewrite my act as a gay man now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just catapult to stardom.

[A]

The clothing's fine. You already dressed like a gay guy. That's the highest.

[B]

I don't have to. Yeah, you're right. Okay.

[A]

It's saying that you have a haircut like a gay guy or clothing like a gay guy.

[B]

I have this theory. Gay guy. Gay guy sounds abrasive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's really innocuous. And I think it's because, tonally, it is reminiscent of the F, the bad word for, you know, gay men, which is, you know, I don't want to say it, but it's like baguette, but, you know, with a F. So gay guy has that G. G. Yeah. And so it gets grandfathered in to being offensive when it's really not. But it's that Gaga sound.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That is knee jerk and, like, Pavlovian. But there's nothing wrong with gay guy.

[A]

Yeah. It's the alliteration, the hard alliteration that reminds people. Well, I think also saying guy at the end of almost anything isn't great. Like black. You can say a guy is black, but if you say he's a black.

[B]

Guy, what's wrong with guy? But then when I say man, it makes it Seem like it's a homosexual with a briefcase, like, he's John Draper.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

Is just a guy.

[A]

Actually. Maybe guy softens. Because if you say that guy, Tommy, he's a black. But if you say he's a black guy, then it's okay.

[B]

Well, look, there's a hierarchy of offense. I think black's pretty bad. And then black guy is a little better.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Black man.

[A]

Black dude.

[B]

Dude. Dude is good, right?

[A]

Dude is really good because it's a sign of acceptance and familiarity.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, he's one of us. He's. He's a dude.

[B]

Dude. Yeah. Because guy can be flippant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But dude is inclusive, right? Yeah. Black man.

[A]

What's funny to me is that all the really edgy comics that want to say, like, well, we can't say retarded anymore, and they say that the baguette word.

[B]

It's ironic because they say it like. Like who they're talking about.

[A]

Right? Yeah. But then. But then the crazy thing is they. If you're really ballsy, if we really should be able to say anything, say the N word. How come you always stop short of that if you're so ballsy?

[B]

Because they don't want to get hurt.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Say it.

[B]

Say go all the way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So your message to everybody out there.

[A]

No, I'm saying it to the comics that are so proud of themselves.

[B]

You're really.

[A]

That are so anti wog. It's like, well, okay, if. Then fucking step up. Step up your game.

[B]

That's a good point.

[A]

They'll say cunt.

[B]

Sure. That's one. I feel like in the UK that's not a big deal, but for YouTube.

[A]

Well, that's why. That's why Ellen DeGeneres moved there.

[B]

So she could just be. It's not even about saying it. It's just go, we embrace it.

[A]

Yeah. We love C. Yeah. Yeah. How's she going to do in England?

[B]

Great, I guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I don't know. What if she doesn't like it there? Where do you go? She's like, in Sudan.

[A]

Well, whether or not she likes it, I think a lot of it has to do. Also, if that little town in the English Highlands is into having a mega celebrity, you know, really awesome.

[B]

Do you think what to have. So, like, people love that the celebrities in town, it's got to be some novelty to that.

[A]

Unless they like their little quaint town and they don't like paparazzi. And the other thing, too, though, like.

[B]

Isn'T Ellen so famous? Is she's not really going to the Grove and interacting with a ton of people. Don't like you. You're already in a castle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Looking out and you're like. Yeah, like me.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

That's the same everywhere.

[A]

Yeah. She's not shopping at the garden store. Yeah.

[B]

Yes. I don't know how much of a difference that makes.

[A]

Yeah. I guess it depends on if it's the kind of town that will then attract other celebrities and become like the new Santa Barbara cultural hub. Yeah.

[B]

Like an artistic hub.

[A]

Yeah. But I don't have any love for the English anyway. I don't care what happens to them.

[B]

It's kind of fun. Have you done shows up there?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Stand up in London.

[A]

Yeah, it's cool.

[B]

I did it for a week maybe years ago. That soho theater.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's kind of cool.

[A]

The audience is a little interactive. Right.

[B]

Not when I did it.

[A]

No.

[B]

No, because it was. Because it was kind of like, they're like kind of theater going, oh, okay. And they, they, they all gear up for Edinburgh.

[A]

Yes. That Edinburgh everything.

[B]

Yes. So they. You know how we do that whole. An hour a year since Louis did that thing. So everyone. They do that for Edinburgh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But they're so storytelling based, so stylistically it's interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I would do my hour and then there was a woman who was doing hers after me, and it's her show gearing up for Edinburgh. And it's entertaining.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

But it, it, it cusps on one woman. Showy. And it's just a totally different animal.

[A]

Well, I find that they're. It's very different than us. The, the British comics that I've seen, with the exception of, like, Jimmy Carr maybe. Like, they're so esoteric.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're so conceptual. You know, it's always like a. It's. Well, you know, my new hour is about how, you know, I take egg whites and I go to Sweden and. And then I interact with, you know, old Jewish women. It's like, why don't you just tell jokes?

[B]

Yeah. My brain doesn't work that way. I'm envious. It's like, it's totally different. I don't even know how to write that way. I don't know how to connect this to that. And then there's a theme.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I just have observations collected over my, like, little. They're so short.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then strung together into bits.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't, I don't have a theme. But people like that. That's why people like movies and yeah, like stories.

[A]

Yeah. Well, Gary Goleman apparently has a new. That's amazing. He's doing it at a theater in New York. Well, you know, he did that. Depressed.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Which was really great. But this is. Goes even deeper.

[B]

Apparently, he's even more depressed, this one. They have to kick the knife out of his hands. It's. It's amazing. And then he. Spare razor blades in his belt, and they have to pin him down. There's a belt in his teeth. And there's an encore where he tries to kill himself. They have to take his shoelaces out of his shoes.

[A]

There can't be a balcony in the theater.

[B]

Can't be.

[A]

No. And then they. They automatically stream Ted Lasso afterwards just to cheer you up. Yeah.

[B]

It's a party favor. Just. Okay, that was heavy. Here's some. Here's one season of Ted Lasso before you leave.

[A]

Little palate cleanser. Yeah.

[B]

Like, Ari hit me up to do his Storyteller show, and I just. It's daunting to me to do 10 or 15 minutes of a story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like I could tell a story for maybe three minutes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Some people are just so good at doing that. Spinning a yarn or. I don't know. I just don't. I don't compartmentalize that stuff in my mind that way.

[A]

Yeah, I like it. But then after I've done it, like, four or five times on stage, there's something about telling a story that I'm sick of telling, that the audience doesn't dig it anymore. Like, I need jokes that are like math. Like, here's a setup here. Here's the turn. Here's the punchline. Like, I. Because then it's all about the timing, and it's hard. And stories are much more about, like, really connecting to the crowd and taking them on a little ride. And I'm not always that vulnerable on stage.

[B]

And you have to be in the mood, I suppose.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's so funny how audiences could tell when you've fallen out of love with something. So if you can't. If you don't believe it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They sniff it. They're like, why should I give a right?

[A]

No, it's like a stripper who's like, you know, she's already turned 26. It's like, come on, you're not into this anymore. You're not even on cocaine.

[B]

And if she's grinding on you and you go, I don't believe any of this.

[A]

Not buying this.

[B]

You just speak out this truth. Yeah. Look, I'm a 50 by any of this.

[A]

I'm a 58 year old ball guy with bad breath. And I get the sense you don't want to be here right now.

[B]

You're a secret shopper. Like, they get fired after you could sense it. They go, look, if. If Craig can sense it, you're not cutting the mustard anymore.

[A]

Right? Right. I mean, the tits can be fake, but not the attitude.

[B]

Yo. That's what I've thought about because I have been to a strip club. Maybe like two. Two. I always get dragged. I don't. I don't love strip clubs.

[A]

You've gone twice in your life.

[B]

Maybe twice. Yeah, three times. It's always. I don't want to ruin the party. So I'll like, if that's what they're doing, I'll go, I guess so. Just observation wise, I think women think guys go to the strip clubs because, like, oh, they just want to see tit. And it's not about that because they come, you're sitting in a chair.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they come and they talk to you and stuff. And I'm like, oh, that's what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A lot of these guys have never talked to a woman this beautiful for this long.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They've never asked them about their day before. So it's not even about the boobs. It's just like some. Some hot girl saying like, oh, so like you play magic, the gathering? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, different cards are more powerful than others. Yeah. So, like, what kind of cards do you have? Like, it's not even about tits.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That, like, men are going for that.

[A]

And there's more women than guys in there, which means inevitably the guy, she'll say, would you like a dance? He gets to say to her, no, thank you. He gets to reject her. Yeah, right, right.

[B]

He has his magic together. He's like, no, thank you. Come by another time. I said, no.

[A]

I said, no.

[B]

And then finally gets a dance. And he's like, this is worth a lot of money. You're gonna want to keep that. That's better than money, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

During Magic the Gathering.

[A]

During Comic Con. That's what the strippers expect in Vegas. Just a lot of cards smell like ass. Oh, my God. I was at this hotel. Where the hell was I this weekend? Jesus.

[B]

Did you play Vegas?

[A]

No. I was in three different cities and I can't remember. Raleigh, North Carolina was the last city I was in. And the hotel has, like a little conference area connected to it. And so I'm walking back from lunch. And I see that there's, like, a line of nerds, and there's a com. There's like, a card show going on. And so I went inside, and it had, like, Pokemon cards, and there's these dudes, and I'm standing there next to them. And, I mean, the body odor. It wasn't just one guy. Like, a lot of them had really bad body odor.

[B]

Power Rangers of body odor, like, with our powers combined.

[A]

Yeah, the card smell. But they had, like, really cool baseball cards. Like, you could get, like, a Pete Rose signed card or, like, you know, Reggie Jackson. And. And I was like. They were like, 70 bucks. I was like, I should buy a couple cars. I was like, ah, then you got.

[B]

To protect it and travel.

[A]

Yeah, right, right. Did you ever collect cards?

[B]

A little bit. My brother would. So then I just kind of followed suit. Yeah, he had a Carl Yastremsky card.

[A]

No.

[B]

In, like, carbonite, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, Han Solo was buried.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He has it in that. So thick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's screws and shit, you know.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

I wonder how much that's worth now. But that's his prize possession. Be in a shoe box somewhere. I have some cards. I would collect basketball cards, too. And there was a moment where there would be, like, really long. It'd be like, vertical cars.

[A]

It'd be, like, actual size, kind of.

[B]

It was, like, poster size. I don't think any of them are worth that much.

[A]

Well, when I was starting out in Boston, used to always have to drive the headliner to the gig because they were all. They all had DUIs and lost their licenses. So part of being an opener was not just having 10 minutes, but having a car. And so this is a guy named Mike Donovan, One of the best comics I've ever seen in my life. This guy's still up in Boston working. Just a. Just a constructionist. Like, really smart. And so I. But not social at all. So I pick him up at his house, and I would drive him from Boston down to Providence. Four nights in a row. It's like an hour.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Hour and 15 minutes. And so he'd get in the car, and he'd nod at me, and then we would just. He would put on sports on the radio and listen, and that was it. And so back and forth, backstage of the show, nothing. Nothing. So at the end of the night, usually at the end of the weekend, then they give you some gas money. So I dropped him off at his apartment on the last night, and he goes, I want you to Come inside. And I'm like. And he's a pothead. So I was like, what does he think he's gonna get me high instead of giving me gas? So I go inside and I sit on his couch. And then he goes into his bedroom, and he comes out, and he's got a stack of laminated baseball cards. He's a huge sports guy, and he had file cabinets full of baseball cards. That was his thing. And so he gives them to me, and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing with baseball? So they sit in my apartment for years. And then I put them in my aunt's basement in the Bronx. And this chest. And it sat there until she died. And then I went down. I had to get rid of the chest. And I open it up, and I look at the cards. And four of the pages, which have about 12 on each page, are Mark McGuire rookie cards. The year he gave them to me, Mark McGuire was a rookie. Nobody knew he was great yet. So I'm like, this is gold. So I go to the hobby store, and I show you run. I ran, how much for all of them in my bathrobe. And so he looks at them and he goes, oh, Mark McGuire. He goes, if you had brought me these before the doping scandal, they'd probably be worth $200 each. He goes, Now, I'll give you 25 cents a card.

[B]

Oh. I was like, no, they care that much.

[A]

So I kept him. I was like, it. These are my Mark McGuire cards.

[B]

Maybe it'll come back around once we get over steroids.

[A]

I think so. I mean, I think Pete Rose has a shot of the hall of Fame now.

[B]

It's too bad he's dead, huh? It would have been nice to, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Be alive for that.

[A]

I know. Meanwhile, what's his name?

[B]

What, Ohtani or what?

[A]

Ohtani Betts?

[B]

No, that's his translator, too. Pete Rose should have had a translator. You know, the greatest. I don't know. I know.

[A]

It's like you're from Memphis. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Yeah. I think that's so weird. And. And then, you know, who knows if Brett Favre will get into the hall.

[B]

Of Fame, the dick stuff or what?

[A]

Well, there's the dick stuff. There's the fact that he. You. He's friends with the governor of the state, and he welfare money to build his daughter a gym for volleyball team.

[B]

I'm wondering, because gambling on sports is very intertwined with the sport.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So there's bad juju with that, you know? So is that different than Just like, you know, embezzling money or whatever. Whatever that is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Obviously it's not flattering, but it's not super connected with football.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I wonder if he gets a pass. Not maybe not condoning it, but.

[A]

No, I mean, if you, if you start judging football players and basel players behavior, it. Nobody's getting in.

[B]

Neil Brennan's joke about like, I forgot who it was, who was in the news for like beating his girlfriend in the elevator.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thing. And he goes, these guys, they're just getting hit in the head all the time. And he's like, I did football when I should have been doing life. You know what I mean? He just did football at the wrong time. It's like, football, football, football. Yeah, I should have done elevator instead of football. They just get confused, right. They have to be maniacs 99 of their lives. And then it's like having a dog on with the bone on their nose.

[A]

Right?

[B]

It's a switch. You have to.

[A]

Yeah. Like me and my friend were at a college at Marymount College in New York, and we were like maybe 19 and we were at some kind of a party on campus. And so we're walking back and then my friend gets into a beef with this guy, little Latino guy, like nothing. And so he's about to square off with him and then somebody dives and he's like, dude, that's Hector Camacho.

[B]

Wait, that's. That name's familiar. Who is that?

[A]

Hector Macho Camacho. He was a. He was a light.

[B]

A boxer.

[A]

He was a featherweight. Yeah.

[B]

Geez.

[A]

Yeah. He would have gotten killed.

[B]

Yeah. Well, isn't that. I heard that they're weapons. Like if you get in a fight in your boxer, you're. The penalty is greater than if you were regular guy fighting because you know.

[A]

What you're doing, right? Like if you were to go to somebody at a party and really on him and humiliate him and he killed himself, like that's a different crime.

[B]

Cuz I. My comedy is a weapon.

[A]

It's a lethal weapon.

[B]

Like our sarcasm is so great, right, that it's like having an AK47.

[A]

Use it responsibly, Right? Yeah. Use it only to stop crime.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like, what if you saw a guy ripping off a store 24. 711 and you just said to him, nice shirt, dude, he has a knife.

[B]

What's wrong with it? It just totally disarms him.

[A]

Yeah, right, right. Yeah.

[B]

It's no good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, tight.

[A]

Yeah. Dude, you look pretty single.

[B]

Yeah, I have some prospects and that's enough time for another guy to, like, choke him, right? That'd be pretty funny. Like, he's on the force. He's like. He's a comedian, but he roasts people. It buys us enough time to neutralize the situation. He's coming to a chips. Nice shoes. What are you, homeless?

[A]

Yeah. So you got a jumper on a building? Dude, you wouldn't jump.

[B]

Your calves are so tiny. Yeah, probably couldn't.

[A]

So let's talk about an incident that happened recently with us. Oh, I don't even know how to get into this.

[B]

Please.

[A]

So I bought a new car. I got a Ford Mustang, and you knew how excited I was. Yeah, I think you'd probably heard me talking about.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

Yeah. Buying it before I did. So I buy the car. It's a beautiful charcoal gray Mustang. It's sexy but refined. It's not. Doesn't have racing stripes on it. It's not red.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm 58.

[B]

Understated.

[A]

It's understated. And so I'm telling you, I said, fahim. I fucking got it. I got the car. And you were so excited. We came. You show it to me. So we went out to the parking lot, and you go, let's. Let's go. Let's get inside. So we got inside the car, and then we sat there for a couple minutes, and I think I played the radio. And then I was like, all right. And then we got out. I got to ask you, did you think I was going to drive you around in the car? Hmm?

[B]

No, I didn't.

[A]

You didn't?

[B]

I didn't think you were gonna drive me around. I wouldn't be opposed to that. I was gonna take your lead on.

[A]

It, but I was driving home, and I said to myself, oh, my God, I should have taken him for a test drive. That's why he got in the car, not to look at the console. He wanted to see how it drove.

[B]

It's almost like you have a Lamborghini getting like. You're like, pretty sweet console, huh? All right, take a deep. And you go.

[A]

See one tear on.

[B]

The interior, and I'm full interior. I just like, dude, great interior. Gray.

[A]

Wait, so you were not expecting to get driven around?

[B]

It wouldn't have been weird if you did. Yeah, I was honestly, completely just going off of whatever you were gonna do.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I saw the exterior, getting in, seeing the interior.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I wasn't like, let's get this baby on the road. But if you did, I'd be like, okay.

[A]

I think it Would have taken our friendship to another level. Next level.

[B]

That's a good point. Yeah.

[A]

Because we only hang out when we see each other.

[B]

We've been on our feet.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We've never been on wheels together.

[A]

We've never sat in front of each other. I don't even know how you sit. This is the first time I've seen you sit.

[B]

No, we've done pot before.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then maybe in the bucket seats at the store, we'll do a. Hello. Yeah, we'll be sitting like that.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

But we've never had an engine. We've never had motor oil introduced into our relationship.

[A]

No.

[B]

Never had gasoline. Is it unleaded or is it 91? What is it?

[A]

No, it's just unleaded.

[B]

Is 91 unleaded too? It's just like a higher.

[A]

It's unleaded also, but it's got a higher octane. It's for like high performing car, which I.

[B]

Mine's 91.

[A]

No, mine's. What kind of car do you have?

[B]

It's to now the A5. I got it wrapped recently. I'm very excited.

[A]

You got it wrapped?

[B]

Yeah, vinyl wrapped.

[A]

What is that? The whole body?

[B]

It changes the whole color. Because the color I wanted, it's white underneath. And I'm leasing it. And this is the second I got the same exact thing. I just like the body style. Audi is going to change their body style. So I'm like, let me just lock it in before it changes to the one I hate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's white, but I've always wanted this color, Nardo gray. And Audi sells it, but it's only in the sport model, so you have to pay 10 or 15 grand extra. But I just want the color. I don't need all the engine stuff.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So my brain, I'm like, let me hack this situation. I have the regular white one, but then I got it vinyl wrapped and you can get Nardo gray.

[A]

But can you return it like that.

[B]

Or you have to take it off.

[A]

You can take it off.

[B]

You don't say anything. This isn't going anywhere, is it?

[A]

No.

[B]

These are fake, right? This is like Fisher Price podcast cameras.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This isn't real. This is just to get us a talk.

[A]

Right. This is just like that car ride that I took with you. It's not real.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's. Nothing's gonna really happen.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm gonna take it off before.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

You're allowed to do that? It's on the.

[A]

See, I. You got that single money you got that? No kid money.

[B]

I do think about that sometimes. Like, I bought my mom a car. I bought. I bought her Alexis and then my mom lunch. But that was a good. That was like carving board. That's like a lot of turkey in there.

[A]

Yeah, she took some home.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You save one half.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that was. You're a good son, too, but you.

[A]

Bought your mom a car. What kind of car?

[B]

With lunch in the car. Sorry. She opened the door and there was lunch on the passenger seat. I'm just trying to one up you your whole life. Yeah.

[A]

I'm not gonna tell you what I do for my mom anymore. You're fucking me at every turn here.

[B]

She didn't even care about the car. She goes, oh, lunch. She. She. She couldn't even notice the car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She was just so zeroed in on the lunch.

[A]

She was hungry.

[B]

Lunch.

[A]

See, I don't let my mom get that hungry. Ah, yeah.

[B]

Yeah, you're good that way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was thinking, like, because it was a big purchase, and in the back of my mind I go, I think I was able to do this because I am single. And if you are dating someone and you are on the relationship escalator.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There would be some questioning, like, what about our future? That's a lot of money. Like, why that for her and not me? What? You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It would just be a little more baggage with a large purchase like that. Whereas I don't have to think about that stuff. But I'm not.

[A]

No. My. Until recently, both kids are home. My. The last, you know, 20 years has been 12. I buy 12 meals a day.

[B]

It's a lot of meals.

[A]

I pay for three cell phones. I pay for health insurance for four people. I pay rent for four people. I pay for four cars. Everyone's got a car. Pay everybody's insurance.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fucking adds up.

[B]

And this is best case scenario, you know what I mean? Imagine you were divorced and be like, oh, come on.

[A]

Right?

[B]

This is ideal situation.

[A]

Divorce is just. You see, guys go from really comfortable driving a nice car, all sudden they're in like, you know that Toyota that looks like a golf cart.

[B]

The Yaris.

[A]

The Yaris. They're in a Yaris now, and they're in, like, a studio that's got stucco. And you park your car under the underhang of their stucco apartment.

[B]

Check out the new digs. You just have to hide the fact that, like, both of you are lying to each other. Like, yo, this is sweet. This is a cabinet. And it's Mine, no one's on my case anymore. So it's a one bedroom, so I don't have to sleep in the kitchen. Anything.

[A]

So quick to clean up.

[B]

So it's a breeze. Dude, I hear a maid. Dude, 50 bucks because we got a square footage.

[A]

You look at the pool is like 8ft long.

[B]

It's communal laundry, but it's so cheap, it's a buck. Dude.

[A]

I meet everybody down there just folding laundry.

[B]

Like, this place is great, huh?

[A]

And the worst thing is that guy, when he had money and was married. Oh. Girls were flirting with him with his A5.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now, like, no woman wants to talk to him.

[B]

I. I wanted to. This is observation I had. I. I can't get it to work. I tried it once, but the concept is, like, I think the idea of cheating with a married guy.

[A]

Wait, time out for one second. Should this screen be dark? Paul, that's.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Okay. Fix it for you. Okay.

[B]

Nice. So I think, like, the idea, like, some girls will cheat with a married guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think the idea of him leaving his family is what keeps that going.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's why it's hot, right? Because, like, oh, my God, like, I could shatter his life or in. In a matter of moments or whatever. That's what's exciting about it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So the idea of this guy's life blowing up or him leaving his wife is hot, but the reality of it would be gross because if the married guy is like, I did it. I left her. I left her for you. She'd be like, yeah, divorced guy.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Kind of gross.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You live in an apartment.

[A]

A lot of princess pressure on her.

[B]

And, like, I used to just get a little bit of you when you had free time. Now I have you all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So the thing that she wants when she's cheating with a married guy is actually not what she wants because it becomes gross.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because if the guy were to actually divorce his wife and she had this guy do him to herself, it would just be. I thought that's what I wanted, but now that I see it, it's gross. He's like, what? I blew up my life for no reason?

[A]

Well, it's a little bit like when I bought my Mustang because, you know, I drove a Prius before that.

[B]

That's quite the. That's like going from Democrat to Republican.

[A]

That was a hard sw. My kids finally grew up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I have to. I'm. You know, I'm not paying for my son's. Well, I'm. I am paying for almost everything still. But I felt a relief at a certain point and I said, I'm. I. I've wanted a Mustang my whole life. I'm finally going to do it. And I bought it. And then I got rammed from the side. $11,000 worth of damages. Seven weeks repairing it. Luckily the other guy's insurance paid it. But as soon as I got hit my first, my feeling was I felt like that waitress that had been flirting with that married comedian, I was just like, I shouldn't have done this.

[B]

But I mean, what is it the whole rigmarole of getting it fixed and everything?

[A]

No, it's just the feeling of I loved something material too much and I never have been a material person. And that's kind of why I never got the car as I never wanted to. Like. Like, to me, it's about travel. We travel. My family, we travel all over the world every year. And obviously, you know, taking care of them and so buying a fancy car just didn't fit that worldview for me, you know? And then I did and it was like, see, you got your priorities.

[B]

You step outside yourself for once.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And this is what happens.

[A]

Right. What did you drive before the A5? Like a Honda?

[B]

No, it was a. A Mazda 3. A 2007 Mazda 3 stick shift. So, I mean, I'm 3.

[A]

That's like what you get when you graduate college.

[B]

Yeah. Zoom, zoom, dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Watch yourself. Zoom, zoom. Because I didn't want to tell you I didn't want a Corolla because I. I had already had two of those prior.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then a Civic. It's in the same boat. The Mazda 3 felt somewhat better, but it's still the same thing. So I had the Mazda 3 for a long time and then this was the Mustang for me. My A5 is like your Mustang.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I really don't spend a lot of money on anything. I'm pretty frugal.

[A]

Spend a lot on clothes.

[B]

No, no. Not even like JCPenney, dude.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I swear. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You're always well dressed.

[B]

People don't know tags and all that. Jzpenny is such a. I don't work for them. It's just such a life hack.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because we do. We do okay.

[A]

Always heavily discounted there. Right.

[B]

Well, even if it's not, you feel like a Saudi prince in there. Like, I'll take this rack. I don't even have to look at prices in. It's amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's all about fit. It's just about fit and cut and like, yeah, it's fine.

[A]

Do you tailor stuff once you buy it?

[B]

No, I'm too lazy. I don't care that much.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I was talking about this the other day. Being on top of fashion is like day trading. I don't have the brain power.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

I just don't care enough.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think in jokes and sketches, and I just want to dedicate my brain to that. I don't want to be like, okay, what bucket hat fits with this?

[A]

Also finding out that the bucket hat is what everybody's wearing this season. It's like, I don't want to wear what everybody's wearing.

[B]

I don't want to be on the bleeding edge of fashion. I just want to look socially acceptable for whatever the event is. Or like, is this okay society?

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I just want to look. Okay.

[A]

Who's the worst dressed comedian?

[B]

There's probably a lot of them. I don't know. Probably a young one. Right. Because they don't have a lot of money.

[A]

Dressed. Eddie Pepitone could take it up a notch.

[B]

That's true. He starts wearing tuxes.

[A]

He was.

[B]

He's doing an image. Isn't it funny when you see a comic do like a rebrand?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll notice. We all notice it. Like, you know what they've been wearing. And again. Okay.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You think no one's gonna know what you were doing.

[A]

You know, Rick Ingram, he opened for Chris Rock.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Around the world. And all of a sudden he came back and he started wearing suits. And he did it for like six months. And all sudden back with the flannel shirt.

[B]

Well, he does it sometimes.

[A]

Oh, he does.

[B]

It is kind of fun to dabble with.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's see how the act works with the suit. It's little only things that you would pick up on or I would pick up on as a performer. When you're wearing the suit, it's so subtle.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's not like your act is completely different or everyone's like, cause you're wearing a tie. But there is an air of authority where like, okay, this guy's a pro.

[A]

Well, if that's what you're going for, like Seinfeld always said you should be dressing better than the best dressed person in the audience. Which is a lot of pressure because you go on the road. What am I going to do? Like, wear this suit on the plane. I can't pack a suit and then steam it before the show. So I think if you're a guy who's trying to Be an everyman. Then you're lucky because then you get to dress like a slob.

[B]

That's a good point.

[A]

Trying to be that guy.

[B]

Right. Like CBS sitcom guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You want to be like a Mike and Molly guy.

[A]

Not even an expensive sweater. You want like a polyester sweater.

[B]

You want stains on it. Actually, it's a benefit.

[A]

You know, you put the stains on. You buy it new and put the stains on.

[B]

Look at the sticker.

[A]

Yeah. And then. But I went through a shark skin suit phase for when I was in my early 30s for about four years. I wore sharks since.

[B]

Really? What does that look like? What does the shark.

[A]

It was before Mad Men came out, but it looked. I looked like Jon Hamm from Mad Men, except not John Hammond.

[B]

You just go up there, you wouldn't even talk for a while.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I always like when people play with audiences expectations where they just. It's like kind of masturbatory where. Yeah. Performance art before they get in anything like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To introduce you. Because you're just writing on potential at this point. It could be anything. And you're like, whoa, this guy's unbothered. He's taking his time. He's getting another cigarette.

[A]

Yep. Black comics are good at that.

[B]

What? Smoking on stage.

[A]

Just taking their time.

[B]

I do heroin. I get up there and then I have the searchable tubing and I just go.

[A]

Yeah, right. Whatever your addiction is.

[B]

Do you read about this Trump thing? Oh, and I do crowd work. And I go, are you guys dating? I do heroin. I do crowd work.

[A]

You guys have an extra room in your house?

[B]

Yeah. Then I just doze off in the middle of my thing. You guys are great. And then two guys have to lift me off stage.

[A]

But the funny thing is, like, people really did do cocaine before they went on stage, like every show. That was like, really part of stand up comedy in the late 70s and the early 80s with Robin Williams and those guys.

[B]

So literally a line before they go up.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

At the beginning of the night in.

[A]

Boston, they used to have a thing where the comedians got paid in coke. They would get a gram of coke for a set in town. And so they used to do it at the bar. They'd watch each other and they chop lines at the bar and they'd watch the show. And then one day the club owner was like, look, the cops are coming around. You guys can't do coke at the bar anymore. And the comedians went on strike because.

[B]

They couldn't do coke at the bar.

[A]

Yeah. So they let them do Coke at the bar.

[B]

Again, that seems like a legal thing and not like the club being. Not like taking away health benefits.

[A]

Well, because the cops were friends with the comedians. So they used to come in. And this place called Nick's Comedy Stop was a mob joint. It was owned by these brothers. They were mob guys. And then the cops would come in and they would hang out and they were friends with the mob guys and the comedians were. They were kings. Like, comedy was so big in the 80s in Boston that, like, they were like the mayors of the town. And so they come in and they do whatever they want and the cops.

[B]

Didn'T give a shit.

[A]

One time, Don Gavin, a guy threw a beer bottle at Don Gavin and hit him in the chest. And then the bouncers threw him out. Cops were in the back. Cops cuff the guy. Gavin does another 10 minutes and then he gets off stage. He walks back to the green room. And the guy is in handcuffs in the green room. And the cops are like, take a couple of shots at him, Donnie. And so Don just couple stomach punches.

[B]

Well, it's a comedy green room. So he has chicken tenders and a few bites and some mozzarellas there. What a time. Can you notice their demeanor? What is it like, performance wise when you do a line and then hit the stage? Is it just a little more up?

[A]

I think it's very up. It's very aggressive. I mean, you saw Robin Williams, like any of those old footage.

[B]

Old footage of all the whole, like zip zap zombies, like, extemporaneous.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I think it would be really good depending on your style of comedy. I think it would help me a lot because sometimes I look at a tape and I'm like, dude, you're asleep in Act 3 here. You're mumbling.

[B]

There's a fine line, though, between that. It is fun, that upbeat and all that. But it has to feel real for me at least.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because if it's upbeat and it feels too pushy.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't like that artistically.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where. Okay. This person's like, super animated. But if. If there's a disconnect between the reality of the room, like that person's too up for what the room is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then it feels weird.

[A]

Yeah. I think in the 80s, comedy crowds.

[B]

Were so new that they just juice them up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just like an energy factory, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, Robin Williams, like, if you really watch what he's doing, a lot of it's very uninteresting. It's just Manic.

[B]

Yeah. And then you almost feel one or two steps behind. So then it's kind of fun to try to keep up. And then you get one thing right, right? Yeah, it is a little all over the place.

[A]

I mean, some of the stuff he did was really amazing, like his Carnegie hall special. But a lot of it is, if you watch him enough, it's like the same four or five pretty stereotypical characters that he's doing. And it's just more of, like, his facility and changing characters and, well, so.

[B]

Quick, I guess, you know, his mind is already that way. And then coke just amps it up.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's like that limitless drug.

[A]

Yeah. Have you done coke?

[B]

I've never done coke.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I should try.

[B]

Should I?

[A]

Yeah, try it.

[B]

What if this is like a real. A real marker of before and after my career? So this is like Dylan going electric, you know, like, once I do coke. Cut to the next time we talk. Maz. So you do him. You sold out Madison Square Garden. I'm like, yeah. So it's seven shows sold out. It's crazy. I don't know. I just kind of like, tapped into. You know what makes me funny?

[A]

I'm like, you must be sleeping really well these days. I haven't slept in about a week.

[B]

Sleep with that.

[A]

I would want 10 if I, I, I. Or like, I get to be your dealer.

[B]

Yeah. But now it's all risky with all the fentanyl.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I always think it's so interesting how people. That's how good coke is, where people put. Are putting on lab coats at a party and putting the coke through a centrifuge and. Yeah, it's good, guys.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. All of a sudden you're like Bryan Cranston.

[B]

Yes. Like the delinquents in high school and stuff who are doing all the drugs are now putting on. They're getting chemistry degrees.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They have strips. They're running it through. Yeah. All right. Yeah, it's all good.

[A]

Everybody okay now?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I took some chemistry classes at the community college. We should all be fine.

[A]

I think now it's about hallucinogens more.

[B]

So like, shrooms.

[A]

Yeah, it's all about shrooms now, you know, or dmt.

[B]

I saw a guy at a party. We're just hanging out. It was like a hang. And then he. He did a dmt. He did a DMT pen. And then you just see them. It's too personal. It's like watching someone get a massage or something because they are at the party, but not really Anymore.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because we're all in the living room and then this guy's just in a chair like this, really? For like five minutes. And it's like watching a guy jerk off or something.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's not a social.

[A]

That's such a weird.

[B]

Let's hit the DMT pen in the living room.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's not a social drug at all.

[B]

Yeah. You disappear for a while.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For five minutes. And it feels like three lifetimes.

[A]

Even pot. When I smoke pot at a party, I am useless. I can't riff, I can't listen to people because I'm in my own head thinking, yeah, same.

[B]

And you like it or you don't like it?

[A]

I don't know. I. I smoked pot my whole life, and then I quit. I got sober, like, many years ago, 30 something years ago. And then I started smoking pot again at 40, but just once in a while. Like, once in a blue moon. And then during the pandemic, I was eating it every night. Just like, you know, it helped me relax, help me go to sleep. And then the pandemic ended and I immediately. I haven't had any sense.

[B]

So what are the circumstances? So you're 40. You're like, let me get back into it. What circumstances will you allow yourself to do it? How is it different than before where you go, okay, I want to do it in this.

[A]

Well, the night I started again, it was New Year's Eve, and I was at the Punchline in San Francisco, and I was standing in front with Brian Posayn, Tony Kameen, Doug Benson. Remember, they had the marijuana logs?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It was the cast of the marijuana laws. And they lit a joint, they handed it to me. I was like, what am I? Of course. And so that. And it was so funny. Like, I'm. I have such an addictive personality. Like, I haven't drank in 35 years. And, like, one night, I drank one night in 35 years. And I'm like, that if I start something, I'm going to do it. So I started smoking pot and it started happening all the time and. But I think now I would do it. I would do it, like, with my mother. Yeah, I. I think I'd like to get high with my mother before she goes.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good safeguard because it's not like you're gonna be jamming out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Five nights a week.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your mom's like, I love this. Come over.

[A]

She's headlining Madison Square Garden.

[B]

Ever open for me? Yeah. I go, don't do Crowd work. Okay. That's my thing when I come out. All right, A weed comic and then a coked out comic. Yeah, that could be a fun show where there's five comics on the bill and you have to guess what drugs they're on.

[A]

Oh, that's good. I like that.

[B]

It's sort of like Clue.

[A]

And if you guess right, you get all the drugs.

[B]

You get all the drugs. You get a grab bag of all the drugs that were used in at their sponsors. Like, this guy does our coke. This guy does our shrooms.

[A]

If you lose, you gotta drive the people.

[B]

No, you have to do all the drugs on the way out. Like it's a. It's called a graveyard. When I was a kid with all the sodas.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

I think they call them suicides in other places.

[A]

That's funny. There used to be a soda machine in my friend's apartment building and we were like 10 and you know, you didn't. Literally didn't even have change. And so we would take a knife and you could reach under. I don't know if you ever done this, but you used to be able to reach through the.

[B]

The candy bars, through underneath and grab.

[A]

And so we would poke the soda can and we put a cup underneath it.

[B]

That's next level. That's so dirt bag.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Knocking it off the spring. Yeah.

[A]

Who hasn't done that?

[B]

I used to do that. I used to be able to fish my hand and get a Twix.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It's like everything on the bottom row.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I never. That's almost Steve Jobs. You get hired at Apple?

[A]

Yeah, I think so.

[B]

So we couldn't get the cans, so we pierce them with the knife and there was a secondary cup where we would catch the fluid. They'd be like, oh, wow, problem solver, this guy. That'd be great. They're just a blue collar kind of problem solver at all these tech companies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who think outside. Like nerds can only think so far outside the box. But then you get some Boston guys.

[A]

Like, no, my brother in law is unbelievable. He's completely dyslexic. Like failed out of school and he can fix anything. Like, he came over my house and he lives in New York, but he came out to visit. And whenever he comes out to visit, it's like we got a list of shit for him to fix because that's how he likes to spend his time. And he just goes in there and we had this fountain that two different plumbers came and couldn't figure out. He took the whole thing apart, put it back together again. It worked. He's got a 72 Camaro that he took. Not a Camaro. I forget. I forget what. It's an old car. Rebuilt the whole thing. He's. He built a house. Him. The house he lives in, he built with one other guy. He's unbelievable.

[B]

I don't have any aptitude for that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hire some guy.

[A]

Yeah. I'm so embarrassed when a guy. Sometimes I have two or three guys over my house at the same time doing things I should be able to do myself.

[B]

It's almost like hiring guys to. To do your wife or something. It just feels that way. You just.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This is. Whatever. This is what a real man would do.

[A]

Yeah. And then they're looking at your wife knowing.

[B]

While they're screwed. Hey, I don't like any of this. I hate to do the screwdriver. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's just looking at your wife.

[A]

He's like, you know I could have you right now. Right? Yeah. We had a. We had a guy who just did our gates. This is why I feel so bad about the fire is like, there's 10,000 structures that need to be rebuilt. I tried to get somebody to put a new gate on my fence. It took me three months.

[B]

Oh, with all the red tape or what?

[A]

No, just finding people that. The contractors are all busy. There's so much rebuilding and renovating in this city. There's not enough people to do it. Now you're gonna need crews for 10,000 new structures. It's gonna take 10 years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And meanwhile, let's get rid of all the people. Let's deport all the people that do most of the work.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What are we gonna do?

[A]

Going to get. We're going to get my son into construction.

[B]

Will he do. Will he do it?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You know, he has no choice.

[A]

He's got to pay the rent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What age would you start charging your children rent if they lived in your house?

[B]

We don't do that. It's a cultural thing. Just growing up, I would notice the difference between my white friends because my parents are from Afghanistan. And you. My mom would love it if I lived at the house until I was like, 50 or the.

[A]

Right.

[B]

She tells me all the time, like, move back, but I think in America.

[A]

Because you're buying her a car.

[B]

That's true. But she didn't know it at the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She didn't know that this would pay off later. There is this thing with American culture where it's like, Once you're. And they let them know, too. Like, the baby's just been born. They're like, don't get used to this.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're 18. Enjoy those titties while you can. You gotta find your own milk. It's like adversarial. You just had a baby. You're like, the fucking. The clock is ticking.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

Once you're 18, you're out of here.

[A]

Right? Right.

[B]

Bone your mom in the living room. Like, why did you have kids? Why do you hate your kids so much?

[A]

When I was 18, I was gone.

[B]

I was gone.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And now you have no social skills.

[B]

Well, also, it's harder to do that now with the economy and kids can't get houses.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you do? I know you're pretty much kicking them out to start fires.

[A]

No, I don't. I don't necessarily want them out. I just want them to have the skills to pay rent, you know, I want them, at a certain point, 24 and 20. My son is living on his own now. He's got an apartment with a friend.

[B]

I was out when I graduated college.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I never went back in Boeing and Long Beach.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

Paying rent.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I was living with an engaged couple. And that sucked.

[A]

No, because my.

[B]

I lived at home my whole life, so I didn't know how to be an adult. So I didn't really know how to do that stuff until I was 21.

[A]

So it was like a two bedroom. And you were in one bedroom?

[B]

She was in. Yeah, they were. The girl and the guy were in one bedroom and I was in the other bedroom. And. And then I would come home from work with a Subway sandwich and they'd be canoodling on the couch and I'd be like, okay. And then I was eating on my bed in my room.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then my brother was visiting me one day and I'm just venting and he's like, why don't you move? And I'm like, oh, yeah. Like, I didn't even think. Because I haven't been through life stuff before. I didn't even think I could move.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I go, oh, yeah. So then I moved into a one bedroom, but my first situation was just a really bad Craigslist deal.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I was working on crashing, and I said we would shoot in New York in the summers, and so I went, and I wasn't gonna go. And at the last minute, I decided to do it. And so there was no rentals available in New York. It was just like everything. I mean, you could get something for like $8,000. So I ended up at the last minute, there was a. A two bedroom apartment with a bedroom open in it. And so I was like, fuck it. It's right, it's right in Williamsburg, right where we shoot. So I took it and I, and I come in and it's like the whole apartment is like half the size of the soundstage. It's a couple.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's exactly what you said. Them canoodling, them cooking together like you're a ghost. And they just kept looking at me. And the bedroom didn't have a couch or a table. It was just a bed. And I would just stay in there. And then I'd see them coming in. And this went on for like five days. And then I finally found. I found a place and I go, hey, listen, I know I signed up for like a month with you guys, but would it be cool if I moved out? They're like, yeah, we were kind of wondering. They were like, we went to your IMDb page. You've like, you have four Emmy awards. Why are you living with us?

[B]

You just have your Emmys around your bed with a mattress on the floor.

[A]

They're like, you come home every day and tell us about how you're producing an HBO show. Why the.

[B]

They probably thought you were just a crazy homeless gu. Guy. And they go, he, he's. It's real. Cuz I'm sure they get that all the time. Just like something out a bag, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I have an Oscar.

[A]

Can you imagine sharing an apartment that big with a stranger?

[B]

People do it all the time in New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's crazy what people are willing to put up with in New York. I don't have a romance with that city like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I go there, I'm like, you don't have to live this way. It's crazy.

[A]

So if you never had a roommate since that first situation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Since you're throw.

[B]

I just, I just knew, oh, this is not for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And also I'm the type. I like living alone. I'm okay with my own thoughts. I don't need the TV on. I don't need a roommate.

[A]

You ever live with a girl?

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Is that hard to finesse?

[A]

It's hard for finesse, Mitchell. To finesse.

[B]

Whoa. Deep cut inside baseball.

[A]

That is unusual at your age.

[B]

Yeah, but I'm. No, I don't love that. I don't love jumping into. Because I feel like once you Start living together, Then you're making decisions based on convenience and, like, not wanting to move than how you really feel. Yeah, I want to.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I kind of want both keys to turn and then. Yeah, it just. I feel like living together clouds things. And also culturally, it's easier for me not to do that. Like. Yeah, you really don't do that in Afghan culture.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's very hard to explain some of these things to people who don't know that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because they'll take it as a slight. But I'm just like, no, culturally, we don't really, like, move in together super early.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then also meeting the parents is such a last step thing. Whereas in American culture, you'll be dating a girl for a month and be like, oh, my brother's getting married. Come to the wedding. Yeah, like what? That blows my mind.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't meet the parents unless you're about to get married.

[A]

My mom would never let me in. My girlfriend at the time sleep in the same bedroom. For three years. We were living together and we go to visit her. We couldn't stay in the same room.

[B]

She's old school, dude.

[A]

She's Catholic. Yeah. So I remember you had a girlfriend once, though, maybe you still do. And she. You guys had kind of an arranged schedule where it was like Sunday through Tuesday. She came and stayed with you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Is that still going on?

[B]

No, no, no, no. Yeah, that's been over for a while.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But that was kind of a happy medium where, like, I would pack a bag and then hang for the weekend sometimes. Yeah, sometimes. So that was like, the solution to that.

[A]

And she was cool with that. Yeah, well, apparently not.

[B]

That's not why. It's a foolproof method, man. Chicks have no problem with it.

[A]

Chicks love total abandonment every Wednesday, love.

[B]

Commuting every week, and they love packing a bag.

[A]

They love not being allowed to leave.

[B]

There's one thing women love, it's not having a drawer at your house. They love being on the move. They love feeling like Jason Bourne.

[A]

But they're talking over and all of a sudden she's got a red dot on her farm. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. She's like, I need a sterile. I'm on Google Map.

[A]

Yeah. Where are you? I'm in the apartment. So that one lasted a while, though.

[B]

Yeah, maybe three years.

[A]

Wow. Damn. Was she a nurse or something?

[B]

No, she did business affairs at Focus Features. Oh, I'm getting way too granular. She was on the third floor. Like, why am I giving these details for? No Reason you get out of the elevator, there's a sparklets cooler. You keep walking.

[A]

Yeah, now, but then.

[B]

Yeah, then not that. So.

[A]

Yeah. All right. So now you're single.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, ladies that are out there watching Fitz Dog Radio. Yeah.

[B]

Do you have a lot of female listeners of Fitz Dog Radio?

[A]

We actually have quite a few interesting rife.

[B]

You have more female kind of fans out there. Well, there you got that boyish thing going on.

[A]

Yeah, I'm boyish and I feel like I'm sensitive to female needs.

[B]

Female needs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're on Wild n out for 10 seasons.

[A]

I was on wild out for 10 seasons. Yeah. Well, you were on. Were you on Guys?

[B]

No, no, no, I was on. I was on Guy Code when it. When it didn't matter.

[A]

Oh yeah. And then it took off.

[B]

It's like the orgy finished up. Hey, guys. Oh yeah, I have observations about guys.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's. I got on Chelsea lately at that time too.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I think I wanted to get on Chelsea lately back in the day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cuz you're a young comic. You just want to get on anything that is has exposure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I knew it in my bones and I think Michael Cox knew it as well. I don't have the personality for Chelsea lately.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you have to like step on skulls to get a joke out.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's why I don't love At Midnight. I did that one or two times as well. Any forum where it's just comics on a panel and it's. And it's just fighting to. To put your lips on the comedy tee.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is not my speed. I just don't care enough. So I'll just disappear. I'll just Homer Simpson into the bushes and let comics kill each other to get some line about Meghan Markle or whatever.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's tough because even if I did book Chelsea lately, I wouldn't shine on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would just.

[A]

There was one woman when she was on the show with me, I was like, all right, I'm not getting anything on today. And she was brutal. Like step. Like you would set something up and then she would say a fun stuff. Yeah. You're like, yeah, all right, it's time for fastballs with fits.

[B]

Oh, I love it. Okay.

[A]

Who'S the worst feature act that you've ever had open for you? Or open.

[B]

These are. These are fast.

[A]

You don't have to name the person.

[B]

Worst, just describe them.

[A]

Yeah. You go on the road you're in, you know, a small Town.

[B]

I hadn't. I mean, am I throwing people under the bus here?

[A]

No, you have to say their name.

[B]

I don't know about a feature. I had an MC recently that just was tough.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Like, it's almost. There's kind of a hole.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So we're not starting from zero.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We're starting from negative 10, right? Or negative 15, right. Yeah. But I know how hard it is, so it's like, I'm not mad. It's like, hey, stuff happens sometimes.

[A]

But it's really. You know, when I came up in Boston, the format was the headliner hosted the show because you need to start the show strong. It's so weird that you take the worst comedian on the show and give them the hardest spot where you're trying to get the audience, like, invested in the show.

[B]

But, I mean, I feel like you're talking about showcase style, which is LA and New York have showcase style, where it's 10 minute sets, 15 minute sets.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, yeah. New York, they have a really seasoned guy as the MC.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Louisiana. That's more of a novice. It's just like an introductory role as the emcee.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You don't treat it like that. But when you do a weekend on the road, isn't it typical? You don't have like a seasoned vet emcee?

[A]

No. But in Boston, the headliner would go up and he would do 10, 15 minutes and then he'd bring up an act and then he'd do a joke or two between acts. Not always, but sometimes. And then he'd close the show with another 15, 20 minutes.

[B]

But that's. Well, how much time is he doing then?

[A]

2. 45.

[B]

So he does 10 up top.

[A]

Yeah, 10 or 15. Like 15 up top, 15 at the end, and then another 10 mixed in.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's the only place that does it like that, huh?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Do they still do it that way?

[A]

I don't know. But it was tough because when you were coming up and you got on that show, you were following the headliner.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you were the first act on. Yeah. So. Yeah. Who do you want to give your eulogy?

[B]

Oh, man. Who do I want to do my eulogy? Probably a good friend. Maybe Aristotle. He was on a season.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I just know him forever. Yeah.

[A]

He knows stories.

[B]

He knows. Yeah, yeah. We've come up together. We were living in studio apartments in Koreatown, next door to each other. We've just been through the mud. So he. I feel like there's no better person than. Than him to tell my story.

[A]

I had this idea where you should figure this out ahead of time and then meet with the person and have a writer's session and say, which stories are we doing? And let's punch them up a little bit.

[B]

So I'm dead. My mom's there. Friend's over here. How are you going to start? No, I don't like that. Yeah, erase that from the whiteboard.

[A]

Yeah, you got to write. Yeah.

[B]

We're going to start with, like, heart of gold, and then we'll bridge into funny.

[A]

Yes. And then we want tears here. Wait till the end. I don't want early tears. Rookie mistake.

[B]

It's like the check spot. They're crying. They can't process how great I am.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Do that at the end.

[A]

Yeah. Do my plugs.

[B]

Do all the plug. Plug my dates.

[A]

Even though he'll be in heaven forever.

[B]

Even though I'm dead, I still want my dates plugged. They're like honorary tickets. And then bring up my meme coin, which is going to launch when I'm dead. It's Fahim coin, and you can get it now. And my casket's like a QR code.

[A]

Have you ever not finished a set?

[B]

No. I'm a pro. I've heard that Larry David story where he goes up and he just looks at the crowd and he's just like, no.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I've heard that.

[B]

And he just leaves.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It's cool.

[A]

And he would leave early a lot, too.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Walk off. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow. Okay. So you've seen how many sets of his have you seen online?

[A]

You can see a bunch of them. Yeah. Like it back at the Catch. Rising star in New York. Yeah. He was not a good comedian.

[B]

Is it just because he was so temperamental or he would let the slightest thing get to him and veer off track?

[A]

I don't think.

[B]

Because he's brilliant.

[A]

Yeah. But I don't think he did stand up long enough to have the command of the craft. I think he had funny ideas, and they were paper ideas. They weren't. They weren't performative ideas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So when they came out of his mouth, they were very, like, met with.

[B]

Resistance or they don't get it. And then you don't know how to kind of incept the idea for the audience and be personable and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And hide the medicine and the jelly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So there's moves.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Sometimes you'll have a great idea. Like, I. You know, we have jokes that are in flux. I know that there's Something here, but I don't have the language yet. I need to massage it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So maybe he didn't have the massage moves.

[A]

Yes, he didn't have the massage moves.

[B]

But he's great, dude, the show and all that stuff.

[A]

Oh, no. I can't think of anybody in the history of television that has created as much a plus comedy. Yeah, I mean, you just think about 10 years of Seinfeld and what, eight or nine seasons of Curb and there's not an episode that I would not sit down and watch.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I mean, crazy funny. The characters, the jokes and all simple, you know.

[B]

Yeah. Very relatable.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's interesting how it doesn't translate to stand up or just remind you. It's its own thing. It's its own art form.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

Have you left a set early?

[A]

I got hit in the chest with an apple when I was opening for they Might Be Giants. And I was like, it sounds like.

[B]

You'Re speaking at the moth. This is how you're starting. This is the A theater, a giant theater. And you hit the mic and you go, I got hit by an apple in the chest at a We Might Be Giants show. What a way to catch it was.

[A]

It was. It was one of those spring festivals at Kent State University in Ohio. And it was just kegs and fraternities and so. And nobody. They're there to see they Might Be Giants.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm up there bombing and then you know the band.

[B]

How did this happen? How did this booking come to be?

[A]

I knew the band and they asked for me to come out and open for them.

[B]

That has happened to me before too. Isn't it frustrating? We're losing the tablecloth here. They can't know there's a table underneath.

[A]

Cloth it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You're a magician. You pull it off, you go. It's been a table this whole time. Like a very low stakes magician. Because bands will ask us occasionally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because they love comedy. There's a symbiotic relationship between music and stand ups. They love what we do, we love what they do. And they're like, oh, it'd be so cool to have a comedian please open for us. And if you don't know any better, you'll do the gig.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is what you. I've done it before. And you just very quickly realize music and comedy are two very different headspaces. And it's. They don't want to see you. They don't know who you are. And emotionally, they are not in that state to listen. They're there to explode.

[A]

They're there to explode. And they're there to. It's nostalgic. Seeing music is nostalgic. You want to see these songs. You're not open to new ideas and.

[B]

You'Re an impedance to what they love.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They don't know you're co signed by the band. They don't really care. No, you are not. We must be giants.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

So. So they're taking out their aggression on you.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Maybe it'd be a little better if the band was like, we love this guy. Did they do that?

[A]

No. But you know what Amy Mann used to do is she would tour with a comedian. Like, Paul F. Tompkins would go with her a lot. Pat Oswalt would go with her and she would have that. She didn't like talking to the crowd, so she hired them to do that part. So they would say, my. The next song I'm gonna play is as if they were her. But they would also mix a lot of comedy in. So they would get up and talk. Not every song, but a lot of the songs. They'd get up and, like, do, like comedy mixed in between.

[B]

That's kind of brilliant. Also her. I think her music is a little more suited for that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's pretty smart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Delegate it.

[A]

All right, final question.

[B]

Let's fix this cloth. Let's go. Why can't we do this?

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

This is how, you know, we're stand up comedians. Like, we can't even balance a tablecloth on a table.

[A]

I think there's a rat, like, holding onto the other edge of the tablecloth. No matter how far we pull it over, it keeps going.

[B]

It's like a trick candle.

[A]

Oh, my God. It's like Andy Dick's pants at a wrap party. All right, what's the hackiest bit you've ever done?

[B]

Ooh, maybe a year or two in, I don't know the exact. I did one of those things where they're like devices, comedy devices. One of those, like, if you're not raising your hand, you are that guy. Like one of those things. Anybody, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you're not raising your hand, you are that guy. Yeah, something like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think another one too is when we were in Iraq for that war. You know, you're losing track. So many. The 2.0 or the original blend together.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd be like, oh, my brother, he's. He's overseas. He's. He's like fighting overseas. Let's give it Up. Everyone's like, yeah. I go, yeah, he. He blew up two US Tanks. And. And I'm like, too late. You already clapped for him. And then. And then I would start like, pop locking his.

[A]

Dude, that's not aggie at all. That's a great joke.

[B]

I wonder if you asked. Did you ask me that on the last one? I wonder if you asked me. I might have said the same exact.

[A]

No, I don't know.

[B]

But that might have.

[A]

That bit's great. I've seen you do that bit.

[B]

No, that's like a long, long time ago. But I. Sure. I think it's a little.

[A]

Oh, then maybe you did say it on this before, because I definitely heard it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that I'm trying to think what's yours.

[A]

Hackiest bit I ever did. I used to talk about in Boston. I was such a. I hated fraternities, but I was kind of fratty in the sense that, like, I hung out with a bunch of white dudes. We drank a lot. We were really into chicks. And so I had this joke about, you know, you get lost and you get lost in Boston and it's like. And then you talk to. You talk to a fat guy. How do I get to the Prudential Building? Well, you tell. You take a right at the Dunkin Donuts, then make a left to TGI Fridays. Pass Wendy. It's like. Or you ask like a jappy chick and she's like, well, you make. You make a ride at Bloomingdale. It was like. So it was like my first joke and it. But like, I didn't give up. Like five different stereotypical characters telling you where to go. Yes. Like, we get the recipe of the joke. Greg, you don't have to keep.

[B]

And then it is back in the day when it was like Jewish American Princess.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Is that not a term anymore?

[B]

No. Jesus. I heard. I was like, I know what he's talking about. Let's clarify here, though.

[A]

Oh. Oh, you thought it was Jeffy.

[B]

No, I know the difference, but I know the two terms.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'll give you a solid here.

[A]

Right.

[B]

American Princess. This is gay guy all over again.

[A]

What's the difference between a Jewish American princess and a Mexican American princess?

[B]

Is this a joke? Yep. What?

[A]

The Mexican American princess has fake jewelry but real orgasms. Fahim Anwar will be coming to you doing his stand up comedy. One of the best. One of the best. Working today. Vancouver, Dallas, Seattle, Portland, Boston. He can say, how did you do that format in Boston?

[B]

I'll take your hackiest joke and I'll do it. I'm gonna. I'll buy it off you.

[A]

The District of Columbia, which I guess they can't call it that anymore because they just shipped them all back.

[B]

Oh. So what's it going to be called?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

The District of America.

[A]

America.

[B]

Just slap America on everything. The District of the Gulf of America. The District of America.

[A]

America.

[B]

Yeah. They get greedy. America. America is America squared.

[A]

Every TV show has to have the word America in it. American sign America. Yeah. All right, man. Thank you.

[B]

Thank you for having me. I'll see you on the road, guys.

[A]

Fall in love with low prices all.

[B]

In the Fred Meyer App.

[A]

Get juicy green, red or black seedless.

[B]

Grapes for $1.99 a pound with your card and a digital coupon. Then find low prices on thousands of items like sparkling ice water, Kroger brand.

[A]

Chips, and more with your card.

[B]

Shop these deals at your local Oregon Fred Meyer today or click the screen now to download the Fred Meyer app.

[A]

To save big today. Fred Meyer Fresh for everyone.

[B]

Prices and product availability subject to change restrictions apply. See site for details.