Ian Bagg - Episode 1079

Summary

Fitzdog Radio – Episode 1079: An In-Depth Conversation with Ian Bagg

Release Date: December 12, 2024

In Episode 1079 of Fitzdog Radio, host Greg Fitzsimmons sits down with longtime friend and acclaimed comedian Ian Bagg. The conversation traverses a wide array of topics, blending humor with poignant insights into the life of a stand-up comic. This detailed summary captures the essence of their engaging dialogue, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps for reference.

---

1. Welcoming Ian Bagg

[01:08] Greg:
"Welcome to Fitzdog Radio, your trepidatious host... I got Ian Bagg on today, who's an old friend and one of the funniest comics I know."

Greg opens the episode by lauding Ian's comedic prowess, especially his exceptional crowd work, placing him alongside industry giants.

2. Life in San Francisco and Earthquake Tales

[01:18] Greg:
"I just got back from San Francisco, where I showed up, and there was an earthquake... It was the calmest epicenter in the history of earthquakes."

Greg recounts his experience during an earthquake in San Francisco's Humboldt County, humorously noting how the usually laid-back locals remained unfazed. He draws parallels to cities like New Orleans and Chicago, highlighting the unique resilience of Californian "weed growers."

3. Observations on San Francisco's Culture and Religion

[03:00] Greg:
"There was a guy right outside my hotel who was talking about Jesus every time I came and went... Here's a guy that believes that there's snakes in his pants..."

The duo delves into Greg's encounters with fervent religious individuals, sparking a broader discussion on the nature of religion. Ian reflects on how religions foster community and humility but questions the fantastical elements often intertwined with faith.

[04:45] Greg:
"Religion does that. And you have a sense of shared grace with other people. It's noble."

4. Frustrations with the Insurance Industry

[06:30] Greg:
"I pay $40,000 a year before another $7,600 in deductible for my family, and I get shit coverage. So I'm a little pissed off."

Greg vents his exasperation with exorbitant insurance premiums and high deductibles, emphasizing the systemic issues that disproportionately affect the economically disadvantaged.

5. The Healing Power of Comedy Amidst Personal Struggles

[15:36] Ian:
"My depression is chemical... I sat in the room for two hours, light off, and then I knew I couldn't do this."

Ian opens up about his battle with clinical depression, detailing how performing stand-up serves as a therapeutic outlet. He describes moments when anxiety threatened to derail his performances and how the adrenaline from the stage helps him overcome these dark spells.

[17:24] Greg:
"Nobody should be having sex with a 15-year-old. But I guess if you're 16, you're grandfathered in."
(Note: This quote is from a humorous anecdote and reflects the comedic tone of the discussion.)

6. Navigating the Comedy Industry: Challenges and Strategies

[34:15] Greg:
"I've built a nice little company. I've gone from having $7,000 in the bank to way more."

Both Greg and Ian explore the intricacies of sustaining a career in comedy. They discuss the importance of leveraging social media, maintaining consistency in content creation, and adapting to changing monetization models in the digital age.

7. Personal Stories and Anecdotes: Love, Travel, and Stand-Up

[22:35] Ian:
"My opener is always got women and they're always good looking... I was trying to meet."

The conversation shifts to personal tales from their lives on the road. Greg shares humorous stories about interacting with fans and colleagues, while Ian recounts his experiences balancing relationships with the demanding schedule of touring comedians.

[26:09] Greg:
"I wasn't good at meeting girls before comedy, so when comedy gives you that attention... I love this."

8. Social Media and Promotion: Building an Online Presence

[46:05] Greg:
"I spend around four hours a day on social media, posting ideas, replying to people, trying to figure out the next day."

Greg emphasizes the critical role of social media in modern comedy, detailing his strategies for engaging with audiences across platforms like YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, and Reddit. He advocates for consistency and experimentation to maximize reach and traction.

[51:07] Ian:
"The algorithm really rewards the guy that keeps doing it week in and week out."

9. Adapting to New Media and Business Models: Podcasting and Beyond

[63:25] Ian:
"There's no plan B. I'm not going to go like, oh, it's fucking over. I'm going to go like, no, what's the new way?"

Greg and Ian discuss the evolving landscape of podcast monetization, contemplating alternatives like Patreon and dedicated hosting services. They acknowledge the necessity of evolving with technology to sustain their creative ventures.

[64:56] Greg:
"We've got this green screen studio and we're playing with new technologies... to do something standalone with the green screen."

10. Work Ethic and Comedic Persistence: The Hardest Workers are the Laziest

[53:46] Greg:
"I don't care what anybody says, the laziest comic is the hardest worker because they're going out and doing sets every night."

A spirited discussion unfolds on the relentless work ethic required in comedy. They highlight that despite appearances, the dedication to performing night after night is anything but lazy—it’s a testament to their commitment.

11. Closing Anecdotes and Final Thoughts

[85:19] Ian:
"These are the people that can't control anything. Don't be an asshole."

As the episode winds down, Greg and Ian share more lighthearted stories about interactions with fans and the humorous side of their careers. They reflect on the importance of authentic connections with audiences and the role of comedy as both an escape and a bridge between performer and listener.

[88:36] Greg:
"They're there to have fun and escape. They're not there to have somebody talk down to them."

Conclusion

Episode 1079 of Fitzdog Radio offers a candid and heartfelt exploration of life as a stand-up comedian. Through shared laughter and personal revelations, Greg Fitzsimmons and Ian Bagg provide listeners with a nuanced understanding of the joys and challenges inherent in the world of comedy. From battling personal demons to navigating the digital age, their dialogue underscores the resilience and passion that drive them to keep performing and connecting with audiences worldwide.

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For fans eager to delve deeper into Ian Bagg’s comedic journey and upcoming projects, visit ianbag.com and stay tuned for more episodes of Fitzdog Radio.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hey, now. Welcome to fitzdog Radio, your trepidatious host. Trepidatious. There's a word I'm looking for. I was an English major. I should have access to more words than I do. Welcome to the show. I got Ian Bagg on today, who's an old friend and one of the funniest comics I know. Great material. And when it comes to crowd work, I'd put them up there against literally anybody. You got. You got Rick. Rick. Why am I spacing? Rick's Ingram. Rick Ingram's amazing. That's it. Now, there's some other people that are good, but those two guys jump out at me. Anyway, he's on the show. I just got back from San Francisco, where I showed up, and there was an earthquake. And I'm standing on Sansom street and the earthquake goes a lot of tourists. Earthquake goes off, and then all these tourists, like, feel the rumble. It goes on, and then there's a moment and then they start cheering. They start clapping and yelling and pumping their fists like, this was why we came to San Francisco, you know, like this. It's like visiting New Orleans and there's a flood or you go to Chicago and you get shot. So luckily, the epicenter was up in Humboldt county, which, if you know about California, that's where all the weed gets grown. And I just thought it was a very funny image to think of all these potheads not freaking out. It was the calmest epicenter in the history of earthquakes. And there's all these, you know, there's all these homeless people. And I mean, San Francisco is crazy. I mean, LA is bad. But San Francisco is pretty wild. And there was a guy right outside my hotel who was talking about Jesus every time I came and went. Like, just. It was not. I mean, I came and went a dozen times, and this guy was talking about. And I was like, all right, if there's any more proof that you need that these religions are insane. Here's a guy that believes that there's snakes in his pants, and he believes the FBI has cameras in his eyebrows, and he believes that there's a guy in a robe that flew into the sky that watches everything you do. And there was a boat with animals in it, and a bush talked and a guy walked on water, which is crazier. I don't know, but that's your typical Christian. I'm not. Look, if you're Christian, I'm not mocking you. I'm just saying it's a little. It's a little weird. Like, I get the idea of. Christianity is interesting because all religion, not all, most religion, is about community. It's about helping others. It's about cowering in the face of God, which is really just nature and fate and everything that you should subordinate yourself to so you can have a healthy ego. And religion does that. And you have a sense of shared grace with other people. It's noble. But you know why the stuff about the animals and the robe and the fish getting turned into water, into wine. Like, why that? Also, why can't it be enough that a group of people want to love each other and do good things for the less fortunate and to position themselves in life to believe there's a higher power? I mean, why does there have to be all this craziness mixed in? I was raised with it. I know it all. I believed it all. That's why it gets so I gotta fucking fly up my ass. Fly up my ass. Hmm. Is that. I really. They got me. They got me in. I believed. And now I just see a lot of these Christians just turning it into hate and judgment and exclusion. Just stop. Go back to the basics. Look at the CEO. I mean, where's the. Where's the. This guy was a big Christian, apparently. How is he a Christian? And he allows hundreds of thousands of children that are. Have leukemia not get the treatment they need in the wheelchairs that they. I'm not saying he should have been shot, you know, stabbed would have been fine. Choked, whatever. I'm not saying this guy should have been shot in the back. Front would have been fine. Whatever. However you want to do it is fine. I was re. I Was doing a lot of research about these insurance companies because I know my experience is I pay $40,000 a year before another 7,600 in deductions or what do you call it, your deductible. 7,600 in deductible, 40,000 in premiums a year for my family. And I get shit coverage. So I'm a little pissed off. I got many flies up my ass today. And I just think at the end of the day, like the poor people are the ones that don't have the time to challenge. They say that 17% of all claims are denied in network claims. So that was in 2021. So they say that poor people way less likely to challenge it because they're working full time jobs. You got two parents working two jobs each trying to raise kids. They don't have time to get on the phone with the insurance company for what can be three or four hours on one claim. So they just count on that. And the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and blah, blah, blah. But I don't know. We'll see what happens. I don't think this is going to be an isolated incident. I think these CEOs are going to need some serious protection. Oh, that's a stock that probably went up this week. Should have bought some of that shit. You know what you can buy though, if you don't buy that is the Sunday papers T shirt is now available. Went on sale a couple weeks ago. If you get it this week, by the end of this week, by the 18th, you will have it by Christmas. Go to fitzdog.com. there's about four or five different colors you can get. One that says take it Eash, one that says Sunday papers, one that says something else, I can't remember. But put in your order. 26 bucks to your house, to a loved one. Get them now. Also want to give a shout out to Jimmy O. Yang in There's a show called Interior Chinatown, which I highly recommend. And Jimmy, stand up comic brings it. Great acting. And also want to give a shout out to Sean Patton who's in a show called English Teacher, which is excellent as well. It's like an old school sitcom but made for streaming. So it's the, it's so. It's very out there. You could never say on broadcast. Really good acting. Great. Sean Patton, good job. All right, let's get to it. My guest has been on the Tonight show, the Late, Late Show. He was in the movies, Cradle of Rock, I said specials on Comedy Central, hbo, Showtime, we go way back. And today I did the contest. I didn't do it well, but the contest is I ask my guests trivia questions without them realizing in this, in the middle of the conversation that I'm asking them a question that will win them a T shirt. So, Ian Bag, you'll find out whether or not Ian answered. These were the questions for today. I reused the one the other day. He had to name the original six NHL hockey teams. We'll see if he can do that. And then I asked him Tim Robbins movies, because we're both friends with Tim and to see if he could name four. We'll see if he can do that. If he does either, I'm going to give him a T shirt. And we're generous with the T shirts. It's the holiday season, plus I probably have extra XXLs, which he is. All right, here is my guest, Mr. Ian B. Ian Bag is here today and he is trying to decide what this podcast should be called. I'm going to give you three suggestions. Fits in. Fits in. That's good.

[A]

That one I like. I just like. The show is called. That's.

[B]

That's how the show is called.

[A]

Like, it's like old fashioned 1960s news reporter. The show is called. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. And we're beginning right now.

[B]

Right, Right.

[A]

With many questions.

[B]

That's like the beginning of Monday Night Football. I'm Joe Buck and this is hall of Famer Troy Aikman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he started doing that and now every sports duo does that. I'm so and so. And this is hall of Famer, super bowl winner.

[A]

I don't think you should lead with that. The hall of Famer, though.

[B]

No. Because then Troy looks like a dick sitting there like, yup.

[A]

Pretty good.

[B]

Yup.

[A]

Pretty good. Pretty good at the game. Pretty good at life. I'm a Hall of Famer. I think it's stupid.

[B]

Why isn't there a Comedy hall of Fame? Is there. There is a Comedy hall of Fame.

[A]

It's in New York.

[B]

Jamestown, New York.

[A]

Rochester. Right? It's near Rochester.

[B]

Yeah, it's up by Rochester.

[A]

Where they have nothing to do and it's gray all the time.

[B]

And there's. And I would love to go there, but I can't just. Well, I want to go to the. I want to go to the hall of Fame.

[A]

Really?

[B]

See if my name is up.

[A]

Is your name up?

[B]

I hope so. I would imagine. I've been doing it for 35 fucking years. You've been doing it for 32.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Is it 32, 30. 30.

[A]

Did you. How I like this? I have people come up to me and I'm glad you never gave up.

[B]

It's like, sweetie, I gave up 12 years ago. I'm still taking dates.

[A]

I gave up by coming into the business. This is what happened. I'm glad you didn't give up.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

I didn't mention at all that I was thinking about giving up, so I don't know why you're glad that I didn't. Because I had no place to go. I was like an officer and a gentleman.

[B]

I got nowhere left to go. No. I think for a lot of people, stand up was plan B. I love the people that went to law school. Geraldo went to law school. Harvard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How did his. How did his immigrant parents feel about that move?

[A]

Anybody that has immigrant parents and they're doing standup just must hate going home.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because I don't have immigrant parents and I hate going home. So I can't imagine.

[B]

Well, you're an immigrant.

[A]

Yeah, I forgot.

[B]

I mean.

[A]

Oh, no. Does that mean I have to go home again? Like, am I getting kicked out in January?

[B]

No, because I think you're a dreamer.

[A]

Am I?

[B]

Yeah. You don't have you. You are a type of dreamer.

[A]

But I'm white.

[B]

But you're white.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm a dream, not dreamer.

[B]

You're dreamy.

[A]

You're the kind of immigrant we want here, sir.

[B]

I know. We don't. Canadians are as lazy as we are. We need. We need Latinos. They fucking hustle. I got a guy in my yard right now who's putting up. We have four different gates around our house. And he's.

[A]

Why so many gates? It's a lot of gates.

[B]

It's a big house.

[A]

It's a lot of gates.

[B]

No, it's because we live on.

[A]

I know. It's a big house.

[B]

We live on two alleys and a street.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So the fence is gigantic. So you enter two gates in the rear.

[A]

I remember this gate.

[B]

One on the side and one in the front.

[A]

It's not too many gates. Do you put a ring camera at every gate?

[B]

Don't have any ring cameras. We have an old bell that you ring. It's got a ringer in it, like a cowbell. That's our bell.

[A]

And do the homeless love it?

[B]

They love it. I run out there three times a day to see nothing but the back of somebody's head walking away. People can't walk by a bell and not ring it.

[A]

There's gonna be snacks.

[B]

Ring the bell. Isn't that like a term that women use for play with the clitoris?

[A]

Is that what it is?

[B]

Yeah, they say ring the bell.

[A]

I only know. Find it.

[B]

Find the clitoris. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I only know that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Find it. You. You chimp trying to fucking use a excuse my allowed to say fuck?

[B]

Please. I tell you. I said clit.

[A]

You say clit.

[B]

I just said clit.

[A]

Oh, yeah. If you can say clit, you can say fuck.

[B]

Yeah, well, I mean, so many women are getting tattoos on their arms and their back. Get it on the clit.

[A]

That's what it says on the arm. It's not here. Closer.

[B]

It should all be arrows. Their whole body should be arrows.

[A]

I'd still miss it. It's like using ways. You'll just go right by that street.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe you had your phone out, but then you got the G spot, which is really mysterious because even women can't always find their own G spot. Yeah, but if you do, apparently it's like, explosive.

[A]

Yeah. It's like finding a house you really want to own.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's impressive.

[B]

Right? And they want you to move in.

[A]

Yeah. They want you to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Don't fix it up. Enjoy it.

[B]

Oh, it doesn't need to be fixed up.

[A]

No. You found the G spa. Have you ever found the G spot?

[B]

I don't think so. I found a woman that faked it. I found the juice pot.

[A]

I think we've all found that woman.

[B]

Yeah, I think we've.

[A]

I think I found a woman that faked that. I found her clit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I think. And her nipples. I'm pretty sure I was just rubbing.

[B]

Her shoulder blades a lot, so I thought I was. I didn't know it was your asshole, to be honest. I thought. But have you ever asked your wife how long you been married? About six years.

[A]

No, 12.

[B]

Have you ever asked your wife if she fakes orgasms?

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

That's a real conversation.

[A]

I know she doesn't because I just see a little machine come out. Yeah, she's just. She's confident, like, you're done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just embarrassing.

[B]

It's weird. You mean she turns into an animal?

[A]

No, she's like, you're done. Let me finish this.

[B]

Oh. Oh, I see.

[A]

And then I'm just. And then I'm just an innocent bison.

[B]

Yeah, right, right, right, right. You're a caddy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm just. I'm carrying the case. It goes back into. Put one of those. One of those socks over top with a tiger's head on it.

[B]

You give it A little wipe with a towel.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Head cover on.

[A]

It's. It's. I don't know if you think about this, but I thought I was pretty good when we were single, so I thought that's how I landed her. I was really good at things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But now that she's like that, I'm like, was I ever?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I don't think I've changed anything. So maybe that's the problem. Maybe I haven't changed anything.

[B]

I think that might be a part of it. Like, I know my playbook has not been expanded and I've thought about, you know, getting the Karma Sutra or An Idiot's Guide to the Clitoris or something and try to throw. But here's the problem with that. You and I go on the road a lot.

[A]

Right.

[B]

If I suddenly come back and I flip her over and I'm using my left hand, she's going to be like, who taught you this?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where did this idea come from?

[A]

You can't even change colognes on the roof.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. There's so much. You can't come back. You can't do anything if you got to come back the exact same way you left.

[B]

Yeah. Otherwise the bag just as full. Like if you. If she gives you a blowjob and her cheeks are not puffing out at the end of it.

[A]

Uh huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

She should look like a chipmunk when you're done.

[A]

What did you do? Just a little dribble.

[B]

Just a dribble.

[A]

Ooh. What have you been doing? You, my friend? I've been around on the road.

[B]

It's like a mafia guy. You're a little light.

[A]

Oh, my God. I heard this story about a comic, and I'm not going to use any names, but it was a comic that had an opener and the guy that was like, I guess he was fairly big. The guy who probably was pretty big, he had an opener that would travel with him. And the guy had a side piece.

[B]

The headliner did.

[A]

Yeah, Headliner had a side piece that would travel with them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the opener ended up sleeping with the side piece. Right. And the headliner and the opener got into a big riff about it and he got fired. And the opener to get back told the guy's wife.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. There's so many levels to that because obviously that side piece really likes comedians.

[B]

Right. She's like. She's what they call a chuckle.

[A]

A what?

[B]

Chuckle. Those are the comedy groupies.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You never heard that?

[A]

No, I don't know if I want to tell my wife this. Are our wives considered Chuckle Fuckers?

[B]

Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. Contracted.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Save overall deals.

[A]

You sign the paper, baby.

[B]

Every club has a Chuckle Fucker. And when you're single, you talk about it like, I remember Catch a Rising Star in Princeton and there was a Chuckle Fucker there. And. Really? Yeah. And somebody said to me, I won't say. The comic, Kevin Brennan. And he's like. He's like, it's Diane. I go, who's Diane? He goes, you're going to Princeton next week, right? I was like, yeah. He goes, it's Diane. I was like, oh, all right.

[A]

That's really funny.

[B]

And then me and Diane, just like that.

[A]

Chili dope.

[B]

Wait, so you were about to say something about the. The different dynamics of the headliner and the opener. Here's the thing. The opener doesn't have a leg to stand on because he's cheating on his wife.

[A]

The headliner.

[B]

The headliner. Yeah, that's what I meant.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So 70% of headliners are married, right? I would say 70, 70, maybe.

[B]

I think that's high. I think that's high. I think back in the day, maybe. What did I just think? No, maybe you're right. I think it's above 60. Yeah. I'm shocked to think about that.

[A]

So. So the most part, it's a. It's a opener's world.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And sometimes, like, my opener is married. So it's just us just kind of eating. Eating barbecue, watching. Watching the waiters try to screw up people. So it's. It's. So I just remember we talked a little while ago.

[B]

Well, my. Wait, can I just cut you off?

[A]

Yes, please do.

[B]

My opener is kind of a stud. And he hooks up with women. He gets on Tinder. And no matter what we're seeing, we could be. We were in Milwaukee and he had women, different women at each show. This is not a great. No offense. He's listening right now. Dion. I don't want to say his last name.

[A]

Dion. Cole opens for him.

[B]

That's right. And the women he gets, it's. It's almost like he has a TV show.

[A]

So smart. Because he uses Old Spice shampoo, so everybody always smells.

[B]

But anyway, he's always got women and they're always good looking. And then one. One night, we got. He's like, what room are you in? And I was like, 7:14. He's like, oh, that's weird. I'm in 8:14. Cut to me in my bed that night, and it was crazy. And then they were in the green room the next night, and I was like, you guys have fun last night? And they're like, yeah, we had fun. I mean, I go around 11:25, do you guys have fun? And they're like, you heard us.

[A]

Heard us. I felt it.

[B]

And then the next night, they did it again. Almost like, hey, you like that? You like that?

[A]

Poor, poor Fitz Simmons down there with his dick in his hand. Let's make him happy.

[B]

No. And I texted him the second night, I go at it again. And he just wrote back, ha. And then.

[A]

And then, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And from that. At that point, he just brought a basketball back to the room to make him seem. Seem like he's very impressive.

[B]

How did you know he was black?

[A]

That's just a guess.

[B]

Now, you were saying there's that much.

[A]

Thumping going on, I knew that wasn't a white guy bottoming.

[B]

Oh, my God. This guy goes. For a long. A long time. It made. It reminded me of the early days in. The early days in I wish I was lying to you. I used to go for 50 minutes, five up. Really?

[A]

Huh.

[B]

Yep. That was my number.

[A]

That's very impressive.

[B]

I'd look at the clock when I started, and I wouldn't look at it again. And then I was done. I'd look at the clock and be like, always 50. Always 50.

[A]

And. And now you're like, three minutes in, you're like, I got to get done. I'm gonna die at some point. I gotta get out of here. I gotta do things. That's what I do. I'm like, I got shit to do.

[B]

Yeah. I think it's more like my dick going like, hey, we're good.

[A]

That's funny.

[B]

We're good.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Can I ask you a personal question?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And this is going deep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Circumcised about. Are you?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

So am I. Yeah, of course. Are all Canadian men circumcised? I mean, not that you've seen every one of them, but most of them.

[A]

Most of them. I remember Walter, the first one I ever seen was grade one were changing. And Walter Almeida, he had the Latino guy. No Portuguese. And I was just like, something's wrong with Walter.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Something happened to Walter. Telling everybody something's bad happened to Walter.

[B]

Yeah. So when we used to. When we started out in New York together, I spent a few years in Boston, and then I came to New York. And when I came to New York, you were in the trenches with me at the comic strip At Stand Up New York.

[A]

Hated that place.

[B]

Stand Up New York.

[A]

Hated it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you like it?

[B]

I did, because Kerry Hoffman was so good to me.

[A]

He wasn't to me.

[B]

Oh, okay. Well, that's what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. The owner took a shine to me for some reason, actually. I'll tell you why. Because my father was a famous radio guy in New York, and Kerry was a little bit of a star fucker, and I think that he took care of me because my father. It's the only thing that they talk about, you know. What do you call celebrity kids? Nepo babies. It's the only nepo baby treatment I ever got was at Stand Up New York. Nobody else ever gave a shit. My father was a radiant guy.

[A]

Pressing place to get it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I take it. Take it.

[B]

But the comic strip, there was a waitress. Do you remember a woman named Mary?

[A]

Yeah, I slept with her. I mean, I dated her. Sorry.

[B]

That's what I was gonna ask her.

[A]

Yeah, I dated her.

[B]

I never knew if you did, because I. Can we.

[A]

She was about this tall.

[B]

She was tiny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She had a great little body.

[A]

She was fat and she was. She had this smile. She had this crazy smile.

[B]

She was Irish smile.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Big Irish smile.

[A]

And she was fun. And she used to make me laugh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I remember. And we went to Thanksgiving at her house in Buffalo, North Tonawanda.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And I was just in Buffalo, and I said, does anybody know Mar.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And nobody knew her. And I was like, somebody must know North Tonawanda. And I just kept asking. Nobody knew. But anyways, yeah, she was. She was.

[B]

She was so cute.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. I dated her for a minute.

[A]

You did date her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think. I think we. I think everybody wanted to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't believe I pulled it off. Or does that make us Eskimo brothers or something like that?

[B]

Is that what they call it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, can I tell you my story? I hope I can say this. I could say this story on the air. Right? She's not.

[A]

We'll just cut it out.

[B]

All right. We're on stage one night, and Jeff Ross used to do this bit where he would always tell the crowd how great they were early on in his set. And so I said to Mary, I go. I go, I'll make you a bet right now that he says how great they are within the first 60 seconds he's on stage and he's like, he's not gonna do that. I go, he's gonna do that. And she goes, well, what do you want to bet. And she goes, if he doesn't, you have to pay my electric bill this month because I just got it and it's high. And I said. And she goes, what about if he does say it? I said, then you have to come over my apartment tonight then pay my electric bill.

[A]

That's a good win.

[B]

So 40 seconds in. You guys are great. I fucking write down my address, I hand it to her and I turned around and I walked out.

[A]

Oh my.

[B]

And at around, you know, they were there late, around 2 o'clock in the morning and I just go, no way.

[A]

She was a go.

[B]

Came up.

[A]

She was a goer.

[B]

Came up.

[A]

Good for you. I love it. I always. I remember you. Who you dated somebody long term in New York.

[B]

Sue Costello, Was that who it was? Yeah.

[A]

Was she that Sue Costello?

[B]

Yeah, we dated. We started dating in Boston and then in New York.

[A]

Was she a trainer or something? When.

[B]

Yeah, she did some training. I think she did some.

[A]

I didn't know that was Sue Costello.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I remember Fitzsimmons dates this girl who's a trainer. Trainer. Rocket.

[B]

She's a. You mean her body's a rocket? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was very cute and. And funny.

[A]

Was she older than you?

[B]

No, I think she's a few years younger than me. Yeah.

[A]

You never know Now I love her.

[B]

Have you dated other comedians over the years?

[A]

No, I don't think so. I'm sure, but I just kind of Everything just. We've been doing a long time. People don't stand out, I don't think.

[B]

What about over the years? The rule is always don't in your own backyard and don't sleep with the waitresses. But I sleep with the waitress. Waitresses, Yes.

[A]

I don't know about you, but I wasn't. I wasn't good at meeting girls before comedy. So when comedy gives you that attention.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the people that work at the club, they know who the funny ones are, Right. So they give you that attention.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, I love this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing that I learned was when I was young, you never sleep with them on a Wednesday.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because you might decide on somebody else by Friday.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that was. I can't remember who taught me that, but I was like, oh, so you tried to meet. If you're going to hook up with a staff member. Not until Saturday night.

[B]

Saturday night. Unless you have an early flight on Sunday, then you may want to work a Friday night.

[A]

Well, at that point I was not taking flights.

[B]

Greyhounds go every hour on the hour.

[A]

I could go whatever I want.

[B]

I only had a short range of that though, because I got, I met my wife when I was 30. Well, I started doing stand up when I was 20, and then I was with sue for a few years, but other than that. Yeah, that was, it was, it was fun. It was, it was a good run, but I don't miss it. It's a lot of, it's a lot of work. Like, I don't, I, I don't, I feel bad for guys that are like on their phones, texting and on apps and, and the amount of lying that it goes, that goes into that kind of lifestyle.

[A]

Well, back in the day when we were kind of, when we were doing that, we didn't have the apps.

[B]

Right.

[A]

We didn't have the phones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if it was working out, it was working out.

[B]

And you didn't really keep in touch after.

[A]

You didn't really. Yeah, you didn't have to. Yeah, you didn't have to do that. I'm glad I got it out. You know, I feel some guys, you can tell, they're like, oh, I got married because I had another life before comedy. And oh boy, I wish I'd tried this. Oh boy, I'm trying this. Oh, boy, I'm divorced. I like my stuff.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I really like the stuff that I've got.

[B]

I can't imagine a worse. Like, we both have friends that have gotten divorced. It's so ugly. It's never not ugly. It's so traumatizing. And I'm lucky as hell. Like, I just made out with my wife this morning before she went to work. I made out with her. We're 58 years old. Our dentures were falling out.

[A]

No, we. You're wearing hers right now.

[B]

Yeah. No, but it's like I got fucking let people go. Like, how do you stay married for 25 years? You got to find, find if you're lucky enough, especially as a comedian, somebody that can put up with you being away so much.

[A]

Somebody that's self sufficient, independent, doesn't want to be there for you all the time. They don't, they want, they're. They have their own thing going on.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like you're going to a show. I don't want to go, you know, like, like nine out of 10 times. You want to hear that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Every so often you want to hear, I'm gonna come along with you. Right. So, yeah, I like it. And my favorite thing my wife does is, is it close to the ocean? I'm not traveling with you ever. If it's not close to the.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. La Jolla. She's in for La Jolla.

[A]

Yeah. San Francisco always picks the good ones. Yeah.

[B]

And then when I need her, when I'm in. You know.

[A]

But I'm in Buffalo and it's grand, right. And I'm in a. In a Hampton Inn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With a hockey team next to me that's 14 years old.

[B]

Oh, that's always that. Yeah. And they're playing in the hallway.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The parents bring them indoor sticks and pucks for the hallway.

[A]

And they won't let you play.

[B]

And they won't let you play.

[A]

You're too old.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You could be one of the coaches. They won't let you play.

[B]

Ugh. Fucking kids. Love it.

[A]

My wife's getting her doctorate right now.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, she's just finishing it off, so she's get her. She has her white coat ceremony on Friday, so.

[B]

Doctorate in what?

[A]

Occupational therapy. And you made out with your wife this morning? I seen my wife go to school at 6:30 in the morning and I'll see her tonight at some point.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I will probably kiss her in January.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So kiss her when she hands you that fat check first. Fat check.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

She's going to make some money. She should occupational therapist with a Ph.D. that's start out at six figures. Starting out.

[A]

Yeah. She should do well.

[B]

How's the student loan?

[A]

Not bad, actually. We didn't really take much out, so. But it's. It's an impressive. I don't know how you get if you're younger.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you don't have anybody to like to back you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How do you do that? Like how you can't. Because you can't go work while you're taking one of those.

[B]

No. No.

[A]

It's insane.

[B]

Yeah. Like. No, it is. This world is set up for Nepo babies because. Say you want to be an agent, say you want to be an actor. Anything in show business. Well, not an actor because you have time to wait tables or whatever. But a job where a PA, you know, you're working 60 hours a week and they're paying you $600 a week.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so you can't live on that in la. And so you need a parent that's going to pay your rent for you, pay your cell phone bill, your health insurance and all that shit. So you think, how come there's no black people in Hollywood? Well, because socioeconomically, they're from a tougher place and they don't have somebody that can bankroll them to follow their dream.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I would say 90% of the people that follow their dreams are bankrolled.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And I actually was looking at, have you done this? I don't know from where. From where I started my. My finances. From where I started to I. Where I am now. Like, what percentage of growth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I've actually built a nice little company. Like, I've gone from having $7,000 in the bank.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To way more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's. It's insane talking about my balls has gotten me that far.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's. It's fun.

[B]

It is so insane when I think to myself, we're companies, and this company doesn't make money this week if I have a cold and I have. Guess what? I've never had a cold. I have never.

[A]

You've had a cold? Monday.

[B]

Yeah. Exactly. Like it really does. I suppress my sicknesses until Monday. And I cannot remember maybe once in 35 years that I canceled a weekend of work because I was sick or injured or whatever.

[A]

I broke my ankle.

[B]

I remember that.

[A]

Right. And I don't know if I've ever told you. So I'm. I'm on a plane with. With the baseball player that never, never.

[B]

Nolan is not Nolan Ryan. Is it the fastball pitcher? Rangers.

[A]

It's a guy that never missed a game.

[B]

Oh, he's in.

[A]

He's in.

[B]

Cal Ripkin junior Junior. Yeah.

[A]

I'm sitting next to him, cast on my leg, going to do a gig, and I wait until the flight's over, and I just look over and I said, I just want to let you know I've never missed a day at work.

[B]

Ah, that's amazing.

[A]

And he goes, I'm sure my job was much more fun than yours. I go, no.

[B]

Except when I was working in Baltimore.

[A]

Except. Yeah. Except for when I was scared. Did you ever do that club where there was three shows on Friday, three shows on Saturday, and they bought a ticket that included all the alcohol you can drink?

[B]

No.

[A]

It was crazy. What was it called?

[B]

Not Magoobies.

[A]

I think it was the Factory or something like that. Yeah. Wow. It was fire.

[B]

How do you even remember what jokes you've done by the third show?

[A]

Because you're busy trying not to be murdered by people that have drank so much because they hear as much as you can drink, and they're like, we're doing it. It's like every buffet they've ever been to.

[B]

Yeah, right. But, like, going back to the company thing, you think about my Equity in this company is my personality and my ability to find joy and humor in life. And I have depression. I have clinical depression. I take medications, I meditate every day. I work out. I do everything I can to fight it.

[A]

Make yourself happy.

[B]

My diet, protein, low carb, you know, avoid sugars. Like, I do everything and the opposite. You don't have any depression?

[A]

No, I do. Yeah.

[B]

So I think to myself, all right, this company has a real production problem that it has to fight against to be successful. And then I lay in bed at night and when I had two little kids sleeping inside and my wife was not working, she didn't work for 18 years. So my ability to get my mood right before I went on stage was the difference between this company sinking and us? I don't know. There was no plan B.

[A]

Have you ever had to not go on stage? Have you ever not been able to?

[B]

Thursday night, I was in San Francisco, and my depression is chemical, so something bad doesn't have to happen. Something really small, like my room is delayed for two hours. I got there at 3, and they said it wasn't ready. So I had to wander San Francisco for two hours with my back. And that was all it took. Because sometimes there's other stuff that's been building and I'm in control of it. And then something makes it spill out, and then it's a toxic waste dump. And so I sat in the room for two hours, lights off, dark. And then I was like, I can't do this. And I've had this feeling before. I'm like, I can't. The only way I could get on stage was knowing that I had been in this place before and made it to the stage. And then it all worked out. I got on the stage, faked it for five minutes. And then all that just in the endorphins. The endorphins, everything. I walked off that stage an hour later. It was like I'd never been depressed in my life.

[A]

It's amazing how great the stage is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have the thing where to get myself in the happy mood. I hit myself, like, on, like. And I got that from acting classes. It was the only thing I ever learned in an acting class from Sat.

[B]

Charlie Johnson.

[A]

No, I can't. Doug Warhead is one. You just. You make yourself feel something to get there. So I'll hit myself and sometimes I'll be a bruise because I'll just. Come on. You gotta get happy. You gotta get happy. Like, just silly.

[B]

You're like a cutter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're a Puncher.

[A]

I feel so good. It feels so good. But I stopped. I remember I used to watch, like, when you have people open up for you that you don't know they've booked. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now you have somebody that you've never met, and they're bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he used to just put me into a bad mood.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I would carry that on stage like you wouldn't believe. And I'm like, I can't do this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I stopped watching and hiding and hitting myself.

[B]

The features on stage going like, the. What's that something?

[A]

What's that? What's that something? Why is that guy crying? I'm happy. I'm happy.

[B]

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Punching yourself to get your emotions.

[A]

But it's right here, right? Like, just above the knee.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just keep going.

[B]

Wow. Maybe I'll try that next time. But.

[A]

Yeah, but maybe it's something. Maybe it's not punching. Maybe it's like touching something. Maybe I could have gone way easier. Like some sort of material that goes. Oh, yes. This reminds me of when I'm happy.

[B]

Well, I think that's definitely what pacing is. I do a lot of pacing. Not always, but when I'm not feeling in the place I need to be, I pace very fast before I go on.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you're not in the space, you'll. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That'll get me there. And then if I. I have to do crowd work instantly because I need to get my thoughts out. Because if I talk to the crowd, I'll just start talking extemporaneously about how depressed I am. And the crowd hears that. And now there's not that dissonance between what's going on in my head and what the audience is watching. Because that's the real nightmare, is that I'm in this dark place and they need the happy guy to be entertaining them. But if I walk on stage and I go, great to see you guys. And by great, I mean, this is better than staring at the floor in the dark in my hotel room for two hours, because I want to fucking end my life. And then they go like, whoa. And now we're in the same place, right? And they're watching me work through it, and they're helping me work through it.

[A]

It's connection. Yes, it's connection.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like the whole thing about us on stage. And I. And I don't. I don't. I don't think it's crowd work. I think it's connection. Right. Because the connection you make from material is a speech, but the connection you make through crowd work is a friendship. Right. So it's different. Right. So. So. But they're there so they can escape and they can get into your problem. Right. And they can go, I can recognize this, or I don't recognize this. Well, like, what the fuck is this guy all about? This guy? Like, I have that too. I'm fucking so happy. I'm loving that he's doing it. Right? So I think. I think it's great.

[B]

And I think you're right. It's not always. I can relate to this, but sometimes it's like, wow, I'm curious about this journey, you know, wow, this guy punches himself in the leg. Like, if you told audiences that, they would just be like, so open to you.

[A]

Yeah. There's a reason I limp when I come up.

[B]

Right. I think people want to understand comedians because it's like, you know, when you. I, first of all, when I sit on a plane next to somebody and they ask me what I do for a living, I do. My thing is I sell paper.

[A]

That's fuck.

[B]

Because I know that ends the conversation.

[A]

That's funny. I'm an explosives.

[B]

That's not what you say. Really.

[A]

I work in a mine.

[B]

And what if they ask you questions?

[A]

I know I worked in a gold mine so I can answer them.

[B]

No shit.

[A]

Yeah. When I was like, 18, 19, I used to work in explosives. So, yeah, I just go back to that.

[B]

Did you ever try to sneak gold out?

[A]

No. You couldn't? You weren't out there? Yeah. No.

[B]

There's nowhere you couldn't stick it up your ass.

[A]

But everything else but the gold, I just. I just.

[B]

There was no room.

[A]

I just put rocks in there. No gold or not, I was sitting next to a pilot once, you know, hat everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get to the end of the flight and I just turn on, go. What do you do? He didn't do it.

[B]

Good. I had a. A flight attendant sitting next to me on a red eye from LA to New York. And this is many years ago. I was just a kid, you know, I was like, probably 22 or something, and I was in the middle seat and I kept falling asleep and my head kept going on her shoulder and she's in her uniform, and so I felt like, oh, fuck, you throw me off the flight. And after three or four times, she just reached over and she put her hand on my head and she put it on her shoulder.

[A]

No way.

[B]

And I slept against her for the entire flight.

[A]

And the best sleep you probably ever had.

[B]

It was amazing sleep. Yeah. And so we get there and now we're at Kennedy Airport and it's like 6:05am and I wake up and I kind of look at her and she looks at me and I didn't know I was single at the time. I was like, should I, should I ask her out? I was like, no, because she was just did a nurturing thing and that would be weird.

[A]

And it's like asking your aunt out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Well, you don't know my aunt.

[A]

Aunt Susan would have, she was a goer.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aunt Susan was down to party.

[A]

Did you ask her out or no?

[B]

No, I didn't. And it was actually awkward afterwards because it was so intimate. And then we didn't even know anything about each other, so it would have been starting all over again. And I was.

[A]

One night stand.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bad breath, just.

[B]

You want to go out, right?

[A]

Were you, were you a drinker when you first started?

[B]

I quit after one year of stand up.

[A]

Really? One year?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's impressive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just got to an age, I was like, I think I wasn't, I didn't, it wasn't ever a problem, but it could get messy at times.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I just like, as soon as I recognized it affected the show. The day afterwards I was like, I just don't recover. So I was probably about 38 and I was just like, I just don't drink anymore. Like I do once in a while when I'm not working, but that happens so infrequently.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So.

[B]

But I, I, but he drink beer.

[A]

No, I like a good old fashioned. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But Canadians, it's such a part of your culture, drinking is.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm a little weird.

[B]

Is it hard to be around like the people you grew up with and not drink?

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Yeah, I'm the same way. Actually. A lot of guys I started with have quit. All my good friends have quit.

[A]

Well, it's a company. You don't get things done. And sadly, alcohol gets in the way. Right? Yeah, it's fun, but there's also, it gets in the way of a lot of stuff. And if we don't do everything for our business, you know, if you're not paddling, you're going backwards.

[B]

Yep, yep. So how much time a day do you spend on social media?

[A]

So morning, around noon probably. Yeah, probably probably at least four hours a day.

[B]

And that's just replying to people, posting.

[A]

Just ideas, coming up with ideas, posting ideas, replying to people trying to figure out the next day, you know.

[B]

So what kind of postings do you do?

[A]

I do. So I do three, three reels a week on, on YouTube, Instagram, TikTok and Facebook.

[B]

Same reel, same clip on each one.

[A]

Same. Some. Most of the time, same clip. Sometimes I'm starting to learn a little bit more. So it's changing a little bit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I also do one on Reddit a week and I probably should probably take it up to three. And now I'm doing, I'm trying to see if I can get any traction on Blue Sky.

[B]

Oh yeah, Blue sky got to be very clean, I think, right. Or apolitical.

[A]

Yeah, I just, I prefer that. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm going to sneeze. I think so. But do you. And then I do one long form video a week on YouTube.

[B]

And are those all standup clips?

[A]

90%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So you videotape your own shows?

[A]

I travel with a guy that records. My buddy who opens for me is a great stand up named John Wynn, but he also teaches film and we've created this package that travels with us. So we do a four camera shoot with sound and. Yeah, no way. So we record me. Yeah. And he. We. But we've got it down to basically two suitcases. So.

[B]

And it's. And they're stationary cameras. Except for the one that he's carrying.

[A]

Yeah. So. And we also have two or three GoPros that we place around for audience response.

[B]

And then, and then the audio. How do you get the audience's audio?

[A]

We have mics and setup room. So.

[B]

Yeah, good for you, man.

[A]

It's a business, right?

[B]

It's a business. And you're doing it right because you know, you can. Some guys will just get a tripod and put their phone on it, but I think that the average person, when they see that kind of quality, they just kind of flip past it. It's got to look decent.

[A]

I recently did a theater in Toronto and we did it and we realized, you know, there's a step up when you do theaters.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But some of the stuff, I'm just like, it looks like a special.

[B]

Yeah, right, right.

[A]

And we're doing this, you know, we're setting it up. He's setting it up. I'm just doing other stuff. He's setting it up. Like I've given him. And I've given him percentage of the business.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To keep him in.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

So. So yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's a lot of work. But I'm just, it's one of those things. I'm like 54. Would have been really nice to be doing this at 45, but the technology wasn't there.

[B]

Right, right, right.

[A]

So I'm not really late. I'm just, it's. I'm coming in at this age.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all it is. Right.

[B]

So do you have to kill seats to set up your cameras?

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

You just put in the aisles.

[A]

We know we set them up on. There's just rigging things that we got that we have that we set them up so we have straps and then find a pole.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Things off of them all over.

[B]

Yeah, that's, that's great.

[A]

And we're not afraid to buy things and experiment and let it fail.

[B]

Yeah, right, right.

[A]

So I tried. There's a GoPro that you can wear as just like it's a tiny. I was hoping that I could have that conversation, but it just wasn't catching it. But you know.

[B]

Right, so, so what do you put a camera behind you facing the crowd 2. So you can catch the whole front row. Yeah.

[A]

And it doesn't always catch them like because at the end of the day we're still a one man band. So it's not always going to be perfect and it's sometimes disappointing. But for the most part we get, you know, we're putting out, we put out. I put out four hours a year. For one hours a year.

[B]

You do?

[A]

Yeah. And then 10 minutes clips, 10 minute long stand up pieces and 10 minute vlogs like I've been doing. Just going around the city and just having fun.

[B]

Oh, that's cool.

[A]

Yeah. And then I do, I do a compilation. One compilation a month, which is just taking all my reels and putting them onto one. Putting them out as a long form. Yeah, but it's, it's, it's, it's just, it's just the gatekeepers aren't there. So to find the people, I got to go find them. Right, right. I think everybody else has to go find them too.

[B]

Yeah, you got to find them. And what's tough is that it's about consistency. Like, you know, I was telling you before about I put a special out. So I did all the podcasts, I put up tons of clips and then it just fell off. Then I just stopped putting stuff out. And the algorithm really rewards the guy that keeps doing it week in and week out, month in and month out.

[A]

So are you clipping up? Did you clip up your special?

[B]

Yeah, but I'm still putting those clips out. They're not doing that well, though.

[A]

But do you want to do them three times a week?

[B]

Probably twice a week. Yeah.

[A]

Go to three.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't go over a minute.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And just find different ways of putting them out. Like maybe it's you. Hey, guys. Like a clip of you saying, hey, guys, this is from my special. Here's what happened. Oh, I mean, just putting them out. Putting them out. Putting them.

[B]

You mean saying that and then showing the clip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

Yeah. Just. Just try different things.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And yeah, on. On. On Instagram, I learned recently there's an audio scroll. I don't know if you've noticed that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

On. On reels, right? Yeah, you can now, you. I don't know if you can now, but you can take that out and put whatever you want. So find tickets at Ianbag. Find Greg. Find the whole special ad.

[B]

Oh, that's good. So, and that's part of their system, that scrolling text.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's if. When you go to it, when you're putting it out, you know, like, you, you're. You can change your, your thumbnail, you know, when you're at that part, if you scroll down a little bit, it just says original audio.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you can place that. Original.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, look, this sounds real inside baseball, but I think a lot of people that listen to this podcast are in the comedy field, or at least are comedy nerds. And so I think this is probably interesting for them.

[A]

I'm. And I don't know. I don't know if you're there or always been there or you think I'm dumb, but I think we have to share with our. Each other. They. They really. When there was the gatekeepers, they really like, they. It was. It was Gladiator. We were.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Each other.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But now it's just. The Internet just finds more and more people to buy your stuff.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So you never. You can never run out if you keep giving them.

[B]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[A]

Whereas before it was like, oh, there's a hundred thousand people. Well, if Greg does something, you can't do something. No, there's billions of people. Greg can do it. You can do it. That guy can do it. She can do it.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

That's what's great about it. Were not in competition with each other ever.

[B]

Right now it's like a mall.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You want stores next to you because people are going to go look around and if they like the Gap here, then look. Oh, look, the Banana. I was going to buy pants and now I can go, you know, and, and, and comedy is just so broad on the Internet. Like you ask anybody, what do you go on the Internet for? Comedy. Yeah, we are. And we've been at the epicenter of it for the last 30 years, you know, but can you make that transition into this new media and take advantage of this? And it's amazing that you are, you have to.

[A]

Yeah, you, those, those most resistant to change are the first to be left behind. Right. So, yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it's a lot of work. But even the laziest comic is a hard worker.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I don't care what anybody says, the laziest comic is a hardest worker because they're going out and doing sets every night. That's, that's fucking hard work. Making getting off your couch at the most comfortable time of the day to be on the couch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they have it. It's just giving them the knowledge to figure out how to do it.

[B]

No, it's like I talk about, I was talking to the guy that's fixed my fence right now, who's got a blowtorch and a bandana around his face and he's picking up pieces of fence that I would think four guys would need to do. And he goes to me, God, what you do is so hard. He goes, he goes, I, I fly like once a year and it's such a big deal for me. He's like, I got to figure out what I'm packing. I got to. How do I get to the airport? Meanwhile, I do that every. Most people, once a year, they travel. We do it every week.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's insane when you travel during the busy times a year. And I call it amateur traveling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You really see how what goes on with our traveling, like people just losing their.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

And we just got, oh, I get a delay.

[B]

I get a movie on my phone. Yeah, I'll call the club. And that's the other weird thing. I think I've missed one show from a delayed or missed flight in my life. I just, it's always seemed to work and I don't fly in it. You know, I don't land at 6:00 for an 8:00 show.

[A]

I do.

[B]

Oh, do you really?

[A]

Yeah, I've missed two.

[B]

I have like a four hour window.

[A]

You've got to be in the morning.

[B]

I got, if I got an 8:00 show, I got to be in by like 3:30.

[A]

That's fair. Yeah, I'm I'm either a red eye or an early morning guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. To get to the show.

[B]

Right. I hate connecting. I turn gigs down if they're a connection. Unless it's a really good club. Oh, yeah. I don't want to ruin. I got to get there a night early now. And then the next day, on the Sunday you fly out, you don't get home until the late afternoon.

[A]

You never get home until the late afternoon.

[B]

Yeah. So, I mean, if I go, do.

[A]

You not take Sunday night gigs anymore?

[B]

Rarely.

[A]

Because it's better getting home Sunday than Monday. Right.

[B]

I want to see football. I want to be on my couch watching football. Also, I got into that routine because of having kids, because, you know, my kids had the weekend off and I was already missing them on Saturday. So I would always be on the first flight home Sunday morning because with LA time, I would be landing at 10:00, right. From wherever, and I'd have the whole day with my kids.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And now I'm just kind of in that habit. And did you guys ever live in.

[A]

New York as a family?

[B]

No.

[A]

Were you tempted?

[B]

Not really. It's so easy raising kids in LA compared to New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I have friends that raise their kids there and they don't know how to ride a bike. You know, like, they can switch three.

[A]

Chains in the middle of the night, but they can't ride a bike.

[B]

Right. They can load a crack pipe, but they can't ride a bike. It's weird. So, no, this is. This was the place to do it. And now my son actually wants to move to New York in June because he loves it, because me and my wife, our families are from there. So he's got so many cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents in the city. He's 24.

[A]

Does he finish school?

[B]

Yeah, he finished a year ago.

[A]

I used to love when you'd book gigs in Chicago just to go see him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, I like when guys. Chad Daniels has a son around that age and a couple other guys and was like, ah, it's awesome when they go, I'm gonna go see my son and I'm gonna make a little bit of money.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my son would bring all his college friends to my show.

[A]

No way.

[B]

And it was at the Den Theater in Chicago, which is one of the great venues in the country. And I would crush because he was out there. I mean, I Strafford. I would write out my set, take out all the stuff, punch my leg, and I would take out all the stuff about his wife from my wife, from behind, his wife, his mother. And then I'd hang out with his friends afterwards and it would be. He would be the coolest kid in school for a week.

[A]

That's awesome. Yeah, that's really fun.

[B]

Right?

[A]

How old were you when you started stand up?

[B]

I was in college, so I was like 20, 21.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah, nice. I mean, I was lucky because I started in Boston where there was just a ton of rooms. We had. We had four or five, seven night a week rooms in downtown Boston. And then you had. Outside the city, there was another dozen clubs that were within 20 minutes away.

[A]

Boston was the Internet before the Internet.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It really was like, guys didn't leave Boston.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And had homes.

[B]

Yeah. Guys still don't. There's still a bunch of guys that make a really good living and they're. And there's some of the best comics I've ever seen. You know, Don Gavin and Steve Gavin.

[A]

Is one of the. Just like, I. I watched him every show when I worked with him at the. Back in the day. In the Tropicana.

[B]

In Atlantic City.

[A]

No, in. In Vegas. So it's two shows a night. I watched. I watched 14 shows, like, and I never watched comedy, so I was like. I was just, like, just amazed by that guy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just the movement of him, just the flow, just everything. You're just like, what is this?

[B]

Yeah, it's like musical. He's so effortless and he doesn't ever give the audience the feeling that they have any impact on him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, he. You can laugh. You don't laugh. He'll check. His joke doesn't work. He just checks his watch.

[A]

So good. So good.

[B]

Yeah. So anyway, so I got to start. I was making a living by the time I graduated college. I didn't have a job. I was just doing standup. And I look at comics today in LA just like begging to get, you know, a weekend after years. Like, they do it for years and they're just trying to make 500 bucks on the road.

[A]

But it's different here in LA. There's these guys that. That already have a following.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That are making a heap of money.

[B]

Right.

[A]

There's the guys that have the nepotism that don't have to go on the road, that are able to get stuff in the industry because they're in their face because they're here all the time.

[B]

Standup comics.

[A]

Yeah, Like. Like guys that are not great, that may be, like, you know, working a second job. That, you know, I mean, they're getting stuff. They're. They're getting stuff. And then there's people that are really funny that haven't grasped how to get an audience online or whatever.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That just can't get work.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

It's just, it's. But I think none of us got work back in the day, right? I don't, I don't remember.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like on the road. Did any of us really go on the road back when we started?

[B]

No. No. Very. I did colleges. That was the road for me. When I was in my 20s, I did a lot of colleges. Like, like late 20s. And, and what was great about that is I could go and I do like a 10 day run where I would do like 12 colleges. I do nooners and nighttime and I come home with them.

[A]

What those nude ones were?

[B]

I just, they were, they were so bad that it didn't even bother me after a while because I just realized like, they don't care. I don't care. I'm cashing the check.

[A]

I remember I started doing colleges and I was like, I had a week and I was just like, this is not fun. And you came on stage one night with a letter that they had written to you from the college. And I was just like, he's my hero. Everything's okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you remember that?

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I think. You didn't have dinner with, with them or something like that? Yeah, like all, like all these stupid.

[B]

It was like. Well, and I invited. It was, it was a Christian school and they invite. I invited the class to my hotel room for a keg. After this, I was just making up. I was talking. They said. He talked about doing cocaine and having sex with his grandmother and they wanted the money back but, you know, didn't give it back. No, but, but anyway, so I could come back to New York and then not go on the road for like two or three weeks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A month. You know, and then I'd go do.

[A]

And make enough money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Going from club to club that you're living. Okay.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I auditioned for commercials, which I swear to God, I. I lived in New York for 10 years. I must have gone on 300 auditions. And I think I booked two commercials in all that time.

[A]

I think I did 10. I think I did.

[B]

Oh yeah, you used to book commercials and it was. Would you get like beer?

[A]

Beer. The beginning of the Internet, the dot coms, like they were selling weird things. Yeah, I got those. I got pizza, I got. Can't remember a couple other things.

[B]

Did you try to do that in la?

[A]

I did. I actually switched over, like, halfway through. Like, I was like. Because they'd send me out to LA most of the time. So that's when I moved out here because I was booking commercials.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I did it and then the strike happened and it just dried up for me completely. Yeah, it was just like. It was just a kick in the balls.

[B]

Yeah. Is it funny? You look back and you go like. It's so corny. But like, that was a good thing. Looking back.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It's like right now, like, podcasting revenues are changing a lot. You know, it used to be pod, like a buyer, you know, whether it was a betting site or whatever, they would say, like, are we like his podcast, like his pie? And now they go to podcast networks and they say, here's a lump check. We want males between 28 and 37. And then the network divvies up the money. And so it's all. That's all changing. So I'm sort of like reworking the finances for this podcast right now. But I go like, well, I'm not going to go like, oh, it's fucking over. I'm going to go like, no, what's the new way? Maybe I do a Patreon. Maybe. Whatever.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's it. You never give up. Yeah, we give up, you know? Do you work with Punch Up?

[B]

What's that?

[A]

It's so it's. They control my schedule on my website, but they have kind of a Patreon thing there, right?

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. And they also do. You can watch my videos that you can't find anywhere else. If you sign up for my mailing list and they have a mailing list and their mailing list is. I'll introduce you to them if you want.

[B]

Is it a hosting service?

[A]

It's a hosting service.

[B]

Oh, I did hear about this, but.

[A]

It'S kind of interesting. Yeah, but what I was like, oh, that's interesting that. Because I have a Patreon. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I enjoy. Put some extra things out, but I don't really understand it. There's guys that make house payments a.

[B]

Month on Tim Dillon makes like 300,000amonth.

[A]

It's insane. Yeah, it's insane. Right? So. So. But this way you could have it all in one area. And the thing that I liked about it was when they sign up, they get their stuff and you now have them all. They will find out in their area where your show is.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If they Sign onto your website, they see the show that's in their area before they see all the other shows.

[B]

So it's got geolocation or whatever.

[A]

And then you can send them emails. I'm coming too. That's good. Yeah, that's good.

[B]

Yeah, I need to do that. I. My. I have a kind of social media person and she was telling me that we're going to migrate over. There was two she was looking at, but that sounds like that's the one to go with.

[A]

What was the other one she was looking at?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Rock Band or something like that.

[B]

No, not Rock Band. I think I used to be with Rock Band. But yeah, there's so many ways to do it now. And I think that what you said is what it is. You got to give a little extra. You gotta. And to do that you have to be excited about that content. Like we got this green screen studio and we've got some new technologies that we're playing with here and I'm excited to try to do something with the green screen that'll be standalone segments.

[A]

I think you still do your weekly news show, right?

[B]

Yeah. Sunday papers.

[A]

Do you do in front of here?

[B]

No.

[A]

Why are you.

[B]

That's what Paul just asked me. Because Mike Gibbons is lazy and wants to do it from his closet every week.

[A]

Yeah, but you can stand in front of this with your stories. You can be. End the story.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other problem is might have come in from home.

[B]

Hello? Yeah. Well, the problem is I. Oh, you mean I could do that and he could be from home?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, that's true, that's true. The other problem is we usually tape it on Friday or Saturday and I'm on the road half. Half the time.

[A]

Could you change it or.

[B]

No, we'd have to shoot earlier in the week. Yeah. But then we're not getting pretty good.

[A]

Because then now you're giving them like a Friday, Saturday show. Like you're putting it out for like. If you're taping it Thursday, they're getting it for Friday, Saturday.

[B]

No, it's called the Sunday papers.

[A]

But you could do it Friday, Saturday.

[B]

Put it out Friday or Saturday and it's called the Sunday papers. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Well, that's like the. At midnight. Remember they moved it to 11:00.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What are you gonna do?

[A]

Come on. We named this for a reason.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. All right, listen, I have a script. I have some questions that I want to ask you.

[A]

Just the Mary McDonald one.

[B]

Oh my God. That was that was awesome. That was a good one.

[A]

She was like this tall.

[B]

She was tiny. And you're right, she had that smile. She was funny. And a sparkle. She had a real sparkle. But I remember seeing you guys flirting and I always wondered if you guys were ended up dating. Huh.

[A]

I didn't, I didn't pull it off like you did.

[B]

That was pretty sweet.

[A]

Here's a number. I'll see you there.

[B]

I've got two or three stories like that where I look back and I go, where? How did I pull that out of my.

[A]

Where did I get it? Where did I get that confidence?

[B]

Yeah, right?

[A]

Yeah, I love it.

[B]

You want to hear another one?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I was in college. I think I was like a freshman in college and I was home for the summer. No, no, no, no, no. I was probably like a senior in college because I was doing standup already. So I'm home for the summer and.

[A]

Which is a funny thing for a stand up to here as a standup. I was home for the summer.

[B]

Well, I was in college, right?

[A]

Yeah. But still when you're home.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Stand up.

[B]

Yeah. So I get up at like noon and there's a knock on the door and my mom's at work, my dad's at work, my brother and sister are not, not home. They're living elsewhere.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I open up the door and it's this magazine sales girl. You know these high schools that would, you know, they'd go around to different towns and sell magazine subscriptions. So this girl, and she was, I remember she was a senior in high school. And so I'm hoping She was 18 for the sake of this story.

[A]

For the sake of the story. She was 18.

[B]

She was 18.

[A]

Yeah, almost 19.

[B]

And I'm, you know, 20.

[A]

Old Man River.

[B]

Old Man River. And she says, would you like to buy a magazine? And I said, I said, well, let me see the catalog. And I looked and I go, I don't really want any of these magazines. And she goes, are you sure? And I said, well, if you want to come in and have a cup of coffee, you can try to pitch me some of these magazines. So she comes in, I give her some coffee, and I'm wearing like boxer shorts and a T shirt. And she, we're talking about the magazines and it gets a little bit flirty. And then she asked me if this is where I live. And I said, yeah, this is my house.

[A]

No way.

[B]

And she said, this is your house? I said, yeah, I'm a comedian. And she goes, you must be a Pretty big comedian. I go, yeah, yeah. I said, do you want to see a video of me doing stand up?

[A]

Vhs.

[B]

It was a VHS tape. We walk into the family room, it's got like, you know, old people curtains and a shag rug. And I put in the tape and it's me doing five minutes, you know, in front of a fireplace at a Chinese restaurant. And it's five minutes and I'm probably bombing and. But she was, you know, this Okie from the middle of Indiana. And she was like, oh, she's in New York. And she's like, oh my God, it's all happening, it's all happening. And so we start fooling around. And then she said, do you have a condom? And I ran up to my brother's room and I got a condom. And then I came back downstairs and she goes, do you want to go to your bedroom? And I was thinking in my head, it's got like race car wallpaper and a Fonzie poster, you know, we can't go in my bedroom.

[A]

Oh, that's so funny.

[B]

And I couldn't go my parents bedroom, so I said, no, let's just stay on the couch. So, so we had sex on the couch. And then she leaves. And I didn't buy a magazine.

[A]

Oh, it's the biggest win.

[B]

And then like an hour later she's like, I gotta go, we got. I gotta meet the van. Because the van would drop them up and then they, they took them to a different neighborhood. Yeah, I gotta go meet the van.

[A]

She's pulling us off in between meeting the van and sell it. Oh, this is impressive.

[B]

So she gets in the van and leaves. And then I get a call like an hour later from my friend Tommy. And he's like, dude, you're not gonna believe what happened. I go, what? He goes, this girl comes to my door selling magazines.

[A]

No way.

[B]

He goes, and she's cute, she's like from the Midwest. I go, yeah. And he goes, anyway, like, I totally hit on her. I told her she was pretty, but I didn't buy a magazine. She just left. But I mean I really. And I was like, I didn't buy the magazine either. And she came in.

[A]

How mad was he? Was he furious?

[B]

He was furious because he was the good looking one. He's the one that always got the girl. But she'd already busted not. She had nothing left in the tank.

[A]

I tell you what, funny over good looking any day of the week.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

See.

[B]

Plus I had a big house, huge.

[A]

House and a race car, bad shoe how did she not just see the family picture? Just a huge portrait on the wall and you just sitting to the side.

[B]

I've got acne. Why would I have a 4 bedroom house?

[A]

All this, all this, these payment on this house gives me pimples. The stress of the house.

[B]

Oh, I love it.

[A]

Yeah, That's a great story.

[B]

Yeah, I pulled off a couple good ones.

[A]

Do you tell them on stage?

[B]

No, I should.

[A]

You should.

[B]

I might say she was in college on stage. Just because I don't want people saying that I'm like a.

[A]

You don't even need. You don't even need to tell the age. You don't like. You could because people just think she's selling magazines. She might be 30. Yeah, you're right.

[B]

Right? Yeah, I liked that. She was young, though.

[A]

It was good times.

[B]

Isn't it weird to think. When did you lose your virginity?

[A]

18.

[B]

And how old was she?

[A]

I think 22.

[B]

Really? How did that happen?

[A]

She was older. She wanted a little of the bag. No. I don't know.

[B]

How'd you meet her?

[A]

Australia. Through a cousin.

[B]

You were visiting Australia?

[A]

I have my family's Australia on my mom's side.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

And so you went down on a family vacation. You met a 22 year old Australian girl.

[A]

You went down on a family vacation? As a matter of fact, I did.

[B]

So. And she made the moves on you.

[A]

I think I was so awkward. I think I was a sacrifice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Were you a heavy kid?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm. I'm this. I'm this guy.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

I float up and down. So that was okay then? I think so.

[B]

So. All right then that ruins the next question. I was. Well, I was gonna say it's weird because I lost my virginity at 16 and I remember that at the time, one of the girls that I slept with was 15. And then you as a 58 year old, you go, wait, nobody should be having sex with a 15 year old. But I guess if you're 16, you're grandfathered in. I know, but just the concept of sex with a 15 year old is weird.

[A]

You shouldn't be looking back on it now going, I do like that kind of girl.

[B]

Pull the high school yearbook off the shelf.

[A]

As a matter of fact, I do love a good blemish.

[B]

I like a skittish look in a girl's eyes.

[A]

It's terrible. It's terrible. But it's funny. Everybody laughs.

[B]

Yeah. Braids. Is there any sport? These are. This is called fastballs with Fits.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I asked you some quick questions, and you answer them. Is there any sport that's ever been dominated by one player to the extent that Wayne Gretzky is the. Is unequivocally the greatest hockey player of all time?

[A]

Soccer. Right. Pele.

[B]

Would you. Is he, like. I don't think he won as many World Cups, but there's.

[A]

Yeah, but there's. You have to.

[B]

Well, there's goals scored.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I remember my son explaining to me that Pele was great in his day, but that his numbers didn't stack up to. I don't know if it's Messi or Ronaldo, but one of them has better numbers.

[A]

But Gretzky changed the sport by how good he was.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Pele changed the sport by how good.

[B]

Yes, that's true. Okay.

[A]

I would look at it like that. I don't think. Because the game is played different at different times of history.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. So I don't think numbers can be compared.

[B]

You have to look at what Jordan did to basketball when basketball was kind of dead.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, you look at what Bird and Magic did when basketball was dead. Each of those players brought the game back.

[A]

I think football and hockey, the equipment's so different now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, what would Rocket Richard be doing with a pair of Bauer skates made today? And a curve on his stick that is made of graphite? So you have to look at it like that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Whereas. And I guess tennis, the same, but. But soccer, it was just played different because there's nothing really more like. The shorts aren't lighter.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. And tennis, the rackets are so different. I mean, that game was so much more about touch with a wooden racket, having finesse and touch. Covering the court in sneakers that were made of canvas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you kidding me? It was so much more exact. There was no room for error at all.

[A]

Yeah. So they were impressive beyond.

[B]

Yeah, right, Right.

[A]

But it also. It doesn't look as good on black and white, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're just like, oh, that's stupid.

[B]

Right. What are the original six NHL hockey teams?

[A]

Chicago, Boston, Toronto, Montreal. What am I missing? Toronto, Montreal, Chicago, Boston. Man, why can't I remember the two? Detroit.

[B]

Yep. And there's one that everybody misses. New York Rangers. You got it.

[A]

Is that the one everybody misses?

[B]

Yeah, everybody misses the Rangers.

[A]

Just owned by the weirdest owner ever of all times right now.

[B]

Yes. Very strange.

[A]

So strange.

[B]

Doesn't he own the Knicks as well?

[A]

The Knicks and the.

[B]

And Madison Square Garden.

[A]

Madison Square Gardens. And where the where the Rockettes play. He owns that.

[B]

The Rockettes.

[A]

You know, they do the dancing. What's that?

[B]

Oh, Radio City musical. Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah, he owns the Sphere in. In Vegas.

[B]

No. Yeah, dude, you got to go to that. We saw the Dead there this year. It was.

[A]

You know what I want to go to? There's a place kind of like it where you're in a building, it's a bar, but it feels like you're in the stadium.

[B]

Yes. My friend just went to that.

[A]

It's in Inglewood, right? Yes, yes, I want to go to that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they've got one of those in a few cities now. You and I are friends with Tim Robbins.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Who was just on the show here about four months ago on this one. Yep.

[A]

How's he doing?

[B]

He's doing great.

[A]

His son's really funny. I watch him on social media.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So he came in, we talked about his new play that he has at the Actors Gang. I don't know if you ever get over there to see any of his plays.

[A]

No.

[B]

Name four Tim Robbins movies.

[A]

Okay. Is it. Can I describe them or do I have to give their titles?

[B]

You gotta give the titles. Oh, by the way, this is for a T shirt.

[A]

Shawshank Redemption.

[B]

That's one.

[A]

What's the one with Martin Lawrence? I want to say get out, but it's not get out. It's the Getaway. No. Oh, forget it. It's not that one. Shawshank Redemption.

[B]

I can give you hints.

[A]

The producers. No, don't put. What? No, it's not the Producers. What is it? Oh, okay. Give me a hand.

[B]

Baseball.

[A]

Oh, bullderm.

[B]

Yep. Irish Mafia. New York City. Oh, why am I Jacob's Ladder?

[A]

He was in Jacob's Ladder. I don't even remember.

[B]

That's what it says here.

[A]

You know who? I know it was in Jacob's Ladder. There's a comic that was in Jacob's Ladder.

[B]

What?

[A]

There was a comic that was in Jacob's Ladder.

[B]

Who was it? Look at you. You can't even answer your own question. Never mind my questions. The player was the one you were trying to think of.

[A]

Ah, yes.

[B]

And then there was one set in Boston.

[A]

I can't even. Couldn't even remember the one I was in. I was. That was so stupid.

[B]

Oh, is that why you brought it up?

[A]

The great little rock? Yeah.

[B]

Oh, right, right. I remember he put you in one of the. Because we played on a hockey team with him in New York.

[A]

Did you bring up hockey with him.

[B]

We won the championship.

[A]

Yeah, I think we're still. I don't think there was any more championships after that. I think we're really the only one. Yeah.

[B]

It was the Policeman and Fireman's league, so I'm guessing we lost some of those guys in 9 11.

[A]

I think we lost a lot of those guys.

[B]

Yeah. Because that was in 97.

[A]

99.

[B]

99. We played in that league. Yeah. So, yeah, a lot of those guys must have.

[A]

It was two police teams, two fire teams, Secret Service and FBI. And FBI, yeah, definitely.

[B]

All right. Yeah, the FBI guys were douchebags.

[A]

Douchebags.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was a non contact league and they would just lay you out.

[A]

I remember walking out and they were arguing with the. With the guy at. At the booth for parking.

[B]

They didn't want to pay for parking.

[A]

Almost like you guys were assholes.

[B]

Yeah. What is. There are two types of people in the world.

[A]

Go black and white.

[B]

That's the best answer I've ever heard. Who's the worst feature act you've ever had?

[A]

Oh, my God. Has anybody ever answered this question?

[B]

Oh, yeah. You have to say his name. You can just describe him or her.

[A]

Jim Gaffigan.

[B]

Was he a feature for you?

[A]

No, I used to open for him. He used to get so mad at me. Yeah, like, you can't do crowd work. I'm like, well, why are you allowed to use Hot Pockets? This doesn't make sense. There was a guy that I worked with in Vegas and he would do a lot of singing and then change the words. And he'd say this as he said, you can applaud if you want to.

[B]

Oh, no. Really?

[A]

He would just beg for applause breaks. It was just.

[B]

Some guys used to plant the seed for the standing. Oh. During their set. They'd be like, blah, blah, blah. And I know you guys like that, but save that for the standing O at the end.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And then they would bow and they would go like this with their arms. They'd raise the arms up as they were saying good night. No way. And they would get the standing O's. I mean, when's the last time you got a standing ovation?

[A]

Saturday.

[B]

Did you really?

[A]

Yeah, dude, but I'm one of those guys that's. I book it. I say, hey, good night. Thanks. I'll be out there and start booking it. And I can see them standing next. We catch them on camera. That's what.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[B]

That's powerful.

[A]

It's pretty fun.

[B]

I get. I get Maybe five a year.

[A]

How often do you get recognized in the airport?

[B]

Usually every time.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[B]

Yeah, it's usually once. Do you do once a trip?

[A]

Do you go, this. I gotta stop telling people to fuck.

[B]

Off.

[A]

Because too many people are recognizing me now. I can't. I can tell the person that's looking at TSA there.

[B]

I know, I know. No, it happened this morning. I went to REI to buy some gifts for Christmas, and I'm checking out and I go, I have an REI card. Can I use the credit from that? And he goes, let me look it up. And he goes, what's your phone number? And I give him the phone number and he goes, no, you don't have a credit on here. I go, well, we were just here last week and they said There was a $30 credit and we hadn't used it. Well, it's not the computer. I go, do you mind checking again? I try not to have a tone when I say, can you check again? And he checked again. He said, oh, yeah, I did. I found it, I found it. Blah, blah. And then I go, thanks a lot. I pay him. As I'm walking out, he goes, by the way, thanks for all your great work. You're hilarious. I was like, well, why didn't you look it up by my name?

[A]

How could you not find it?

[B]

Oh, oh. And he checked my id.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

Yes, check.

[A]

My idiot was playing that. He didn't know you the whole time.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But at the end of the end.

[B]

He'S like, unless he saw my name. And then it's because, you know, because I'm more in the audio worlds maybe than in the TV or film. Or maybe he didn't know my face as much and saw my name and went, oh, I've listened to this guy's podcast or something.

[A]

Do you think people still listen more to podcasts and watch them?

[B]

Mine, for sure. I would say 90 something percent of my people start watching.

[A]

He's got a green screen.

[B]

I got a great face. My guest is not hard on the.

[A]

Eyes, hard on the hearing.

[B]

Who do you want to give your eulogy when you die?

[A]

Nobody. I don't want to die. I don't think I want one. I think I would like to. I'd like to be a bench. You know what I mean? You see when they give people benches? Yeah. And just like, just, here's another escape for me and bag. Right. Just sit down and relax. Who would you have?

[B]

Mike Givens.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

You know Mike Givens, right?

[A]

Yeah. But now you're Thinking you're gonna die before him. That's.

[B]

Oh, I'm definitely gonna die before him. I'm dying before you. I'm dying for everybody, man.

[A]

You got plans? Yeah, don't.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

I need you around until you're about 80, 85.

[B]

That seems excessive.

[A]

Nah, you do a lot of stretching, you're gonna be just fine.

[B]

Yeah, give it a shot. All right, last question, then I'm gonna let you go.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

When's the last time you apologized?

[A]

Friday in the airport when I was like, I don't need to show you my fucking. So when you fly Delta at lax, right?

[B]

Yeah, New terminal. Love it.

[A]

Beautiful terminal. But to get from this side, you have to go by this. You don't need to show your tsa. You don't need to show your boarding pass because you're going to another check in, right?

[B]

They make you go in at 3 and then walk over to 4, so so are you.

[A]

And it's. And there's an escape, and then they never check it. But every once in a while, there's somebody that's never walked down the other end and figured it out.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And this lady, this. I'm like. I'm like, I need to see her thing. And I'm like, what's in my bag? I don't want to get it out, and I don't need it to go over there. I'm going to put my bag in the thing. I need to see it. And I just like. And I said. And I was. My wife was in my ears, and she's like, don't be an asshole.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

These are the people that can't control anything. Don't be an asshole. And I was a little short, and I said, sorry about that. I apologize that I was short with you. And right afterwards, when I got onto the other side, a pilot stopped me and said, hey, man, I love watching your clips online. They're fantastic. I was like three minutes early being the biggest asshole ever.

[B]

Right? Right. Yeah. I just apologized on Thursday night. It was the night that I was depressed at the Punchline in San Francisco. Come off. I'm in a good mood. I sell pins after the show. I have these little pins.

[A]

What do they say? What are they?

[B]

It's my face and my name. It's a little pin.

[A]

I want one.

[B]

All right, I have one in my bag. I'll give it to you. I want it. So I put the bag out on a table in the lobby, and then I get off stage and I walk out to the Table in the lobby. And as I'm doing it, they announced from the. No, the lady. As people are walking over, go, please exit on that side. There's other doors and she's sending them. I'm standing there with a table of merch and I'm losing hundreds of dollars as she sends people to the other side.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And I go, what are you doing? I go, why are you sending them? She goes, well, that's. That, that's where we want people. I go, no. I go, I've been coming to this club literally 25 years, and that's not. She was new and, and I. And I got snappy with her. And then after I finished selling, I went over and I said, hey, I'm. I didn't mean to be short with this. Just that that's never happened before.

[A]

That's money. And if you take my money away from me, I'm a little short. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's in. But at least you were nice afterwards.

[B]

Oh, because I beat myself up when I'm not kind to people. I really beat myself up. It's like the opposite of.

[A]

Alan, what's so funny? You've got this great acidic tongue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I find the people with the best acidic tongues really feel guilty after.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But I mean, you and I on stage have acidic tongues. But like I think you said before, it's like a friendship. So you're ball busting a good friend when you're doing crowd work.

[A]

If I would never talk to somebody I don't like like that, because it would be too real.

[B]

Yeah, right, right.

[A]

But it's not real if you're my friend. Yeah, it's me just teasing you.

[B]

But I mean, when you tease an audience member but they're saying there's something about them you like. Yeah, right, right, right.

[A]

Yeah. They've paid to see me.

[B]

That's why when someone heckles and they're an asshole.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It gets too real. When I on them, it gets. It escalates very fast.

[A]

I try not to. I try to not get angry because, yeah, I could probably walk the rest of the crowd and have that person stay there. Right. Because your crowds, I think, are much like mine. They're there to have fun and escape.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right. They're not there to have somebody talk down to them. They're not there to shit on other people.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They're there to have fun. They're there to escape.

[B]

Now, are you sure when you say you get these standing ovations that they're not walking out on you.

[A]

Well, they come halfway through the show, right?

[B]

Yeah. That's a standing ovation. That's a walking ovation. Ian Bagg will be coming to see you live in Richmond, Virginia, Brea, California, Salt Lake City, Denver, Orlando, Vegas, Nashville, Madison, Wisconsin, Lexington, Kansas City, Omaha. If you go to ianbag.com with two GS at the end, sign up too. Sign up for the newsletter because he's got this new service, pro. What's it called?

[A]

A punch up.

[B]

Punch up.

[A]

And you're going to do it too.

[B]

I'm going to do it too. Punch up. And check out his podcast, which is called Enjoying Orange Slices. Enjoying our slices with Jeff and Ian. And just check out. Obviously we've talked about. He's got a lot of stuff online. Check it out. And you're the best.

[A]

See in a year, buddy.

[B]

See you in a year.

[A]

How do you feel when you switch to GEICO and save on your car insurance? It's like going to work on one Thursday morning and thinking to yourself, just one more day until Friday. But then somebody in the elevator says, happy Friday. Then you check your phone quickly and discover today is actually Friday. So yes, Happy Friday, random stranger in the elevator. Happy friyay indeed. Yup. Switching and saving with GEICO feels just like that. Get more with Geico.