Ian Edwards (Fitzdog Radio #1132) | Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

Fitzdog Radio #1132: Ian Edwards

Date: March 25, 2026
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Ian Edwards
Podcast Description: Honest, funny interviews with Greg Fitzsimmons and friends, diving deep and laughing hard.

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Overview

In this episode, Greg welcomes back his longtime friend and fellow comedian Ian Edwards for a lively, candid conversation. They navigate everything from the realities of contemporary stand-up and traveling as comics, through soccer, class divisions in American life, nostalgia for old-school comedy scenes, family, daily routines, and the challenges of staying creative. The episode is packed with sincere laughs, sharp cultural observations, and quick-fire stories, all wrapped in the natural, irreverent banter Greg and Ian are known for.

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Episode Highlights & Key Discussion Points

Life on the Road as a Stand-Up Comic

• Travel Woes and Rental Car Nightmares

  • Greg recounts a stressful near-miss at O’Hare after dealing with an undercharged electric Mustang rental in rural Wisconsin, which leads to a hilarious share about accidentally taking a sleeping pill before driving.
  • [03:53] Greg: “I took my sleeping pill, which I take every night. I took it in the morning and then got behind the wheel of a car, made 3, 4, 5, 6 stops, and then sped at 90 miles an hour and made a flight on a fucking Lunesta. 3 milligrams of Lunesta. I could have killed somebody.”

• The Evolution of Comedy Club Culture

  • Both reflect on how social media and hustling for content creation have changed stand-up—less time for post-show hangs, more focus on self-promotion.
  • [14:48] Ian: “Now that's a really good point. You can't even hang out late cause you're a DP, an editor, you're posting on social media, booking yourself and whatever other type of jobs, auditions or whatever.”

Work-Life Balance & Parenting

• Greg and Ian contrast parental choices and lifestyles. Greg jokes about under-parenting; Ian admires Greg’s marriage and family dynamic.
  • [17:28] Ian: “It's pretty impressive. Especially when we're at work, writing on a show. You're like, 'I'm gonna go home and make a move on my wife today.' That's pretty dope.”
  • [17:45] Greg: “We took mushrooms last night... Nobody I’d rather be with.”

Comedy Career Stories: Gigs & Struggles

• Stand-up gigs can be humbling, with both noting poorly-attended shows, tough markets, and the age-old club-owner excuses for light turnouts.
• [19:00] Greg: “The club owner always tries to throw you a bone when you're not drawn that way. 'Well, you know, it's like 75 degrees out...’”

Soccer Deep Dive (Premier League, Youth Development)

• Ian, a huge soccer fan, explains the structure of the Premier League: relegation, promotion, the impact of coaching, and Barcelona’s famed “La Masia” for youth training.
• Discussion of rising stars, club investment strategies, and the pressure that young athletes face.
  • [26:51] Ian: “[La Masia] is like they find kids at a certain age and put them in…now he's the—he has more goals and has played more for Barcelona than Messi did at Messi's age at 18.”
• Greg shares stories about his own son’s soccer journey and the stress of elite youth sports.

The Classism of Modern Air Travel & VIP Experiences

• Funny and biting observations on the ever-increasing class divide in American travel—from TSA touchless IDs to airport lounges and “Delta One” treatment.
  • [35:01] Greg: “There’s so much classism that’s being entered into daily life in America now...the lounges, first class, the Uber Black… There’s so much feeling inferior when you’re traveling now.”
  • [36:11] Ian: “I flew Delta 1 once—I didn’t even know what it was... A black car comes to the crib, picks me up... I had breakfast in the Delta Lounge, breakfast on the plane, then when I landed…lunch!”

Day-to-Day Routines: Comics Offstage

• Ian details his efforts to maintain a healthier schedule: getting up at 6 a.m., working out, using the sauna, social media sketches, and experiments with AI content.
• Both discuss packing and travel quirks—Greg calls out Ian’s two-tracksuit packing rule.
  • [42:46] Greg: “The second sweatsuit is really something you got to think about—is appalling.”
  • [43:05] Ian: “We bring about the same amount of things…I don't bring any podcast equipment.”

Starbucks, Food, and Music Oddities

• Starbucks as a daily stop for Ian; nostalgia for the days when Starbucks sold curated CD collections.
  • [43:20] Ian: “Whatever they’re playing at Starbucks on Hillhurst, I add it to my playlist. The DJ there is fire.”

Bits in Progress & Comedy Logistics

• Both comics share ideas for new stand-up bits: Greg riffs on “I Dream of Jeannie” as an unmakeable show today; Ian’s latest focuses on how expensive dry cleaning has become.
  • [51:27] Ian: “Five shirts and three pants, and they charged me $107. Are you selling my shit back to me? It would’ve been better if I’d dropped these shits off at Goodwill and come back to buy them off the rack—cheaper!”

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Memorable Quotes & Banter

• On Standup Hustle:

  • “[Comedy]’s so rare now—sometimes when you’re on the road...there’s so much pressure to create content now.” – Greg [16:30]

• On Classism in Travel:

  • “It’s just another way of being better than poor people.” — Ian [35:01]

• On Parenting & Relationship:

  • “My kids will never accuse me of over-parenting them. No, I did. But…I was gone every other weekend…” — Greg [16:58]
  • “I always, like, think about you and your family…and how you feel about your wife. I probably said that on this podcast before.” — Ian [17:16]

• On Soccer’s Promotion/Relegation:

  • “There’s no tanking for a draft pick...You go down a division if you finish at the bottom.” — Ian [22:29]

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Lightning Round: “Fastballs with Fitz”

(Starts at [56:06])

• On being arrested

  • Ian: “No, luckily no...The closest I’ve been interrogated by the police is the look you gave me when I said I haven’t been arrested.” [56:48]
  • Candid and moving story about a near-arrest situation involving cop intimidation and police misconduct. [57:16–60:41]

• On losing his virginity

  • Ian shares a “lost it twice” story due to confusion as a teenager, including Greg’s hilarious and awkward first “third base” experience. [61:10–64:54]

• Awards and Stand-Up Memories

  • Ian recalls winning a long-ago Sierra Mist comedy contest and how Tupac’s death was announced right before he went on for the finals. [65:46–68:59]
  • Greg tells about unlucky gig timing: performing just after tragedies like Columbine and Sandy Hook. [69:20–72:27]

• On Relationships – the One that Got Away

  • Ian describes a recent deep romantic connection he purposely bailed on due to an instinctual fear of commitment:
    • “I was like, this is…it. This is dangerous. This is it.” [76:13]
    • “My intuition says, stay single. But the same intuition says, that was the one.” [76:36]
  • Greg’s reaction: “He who hesitates is lost.” [77:50]

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Additional Timestamps of Note

• [12:54]: Realization it’s Women’s History Month, not Black History Month—funny cold open.
• [33:13]: Greg’s tips for touchless TSA and passport requirements.
• [43:44]: Greg discusses random items he packs for the road—Bose speaker is a must.
• [50:34]: Ian’s taking an AI course for comedy sketch creation.

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Closing Remarks

• Upcoming appearances for both comics, including Greg’s birthday and Ian’s shows in Batavia, Illinois.
• Final reflections on singledom, the pursuit of comedy, and maintaining friendships.
• The episode wraps with mutual appreciation and Greg plugging Ian’s most recent special, Untitled on YouTube.

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Tone & Takeaways

Expect the playful, biting honesty characteristic of Fitzdog Radio, with moments of genuine insight and warmth. The episode will particularly resonate with fans of stand-up comedy, those curious about comics’ real lives, and anyone who appreciates sharp, unfiltered conversation.

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Notable Quote, Summing Up the Energy:

“We bring about the same amount of things [on the road]…I don’t bring any podcast equipment…. The second sweatsuit is really something you got to think about—is appalling.”
– Greg (and Ian), [42:46]

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[A]

Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I am your host, Greg Fitzsimmons, fresh off of a 10 week tour. Now, I'm not the tour bus 10 week guy that goes away, you know, non stop for 10 weeks. I leave Thursday morning or Friday morning and I'm back. I fly home Sunday morning, but I've done that 10 weekends in a row and now I'm home for a few weeks. I got some California gigs coming up, but I don't have to get on an airplane for. Thank God. This TSA thing is great, by the way. Pro tip. I think I talk about this with Ian later, but yeah, I'll talk about it later. The tsa. But I flew into Chicago to work in Janesville, Wisconsin and it was really fun. Amazing people. The people at the club treat you great and it's just one of those towns where it's small enough that the people really appreciate that you made it up there. They know it was a little bit of effort and they're sweet Midwestern people. I flew into Chicago, drove about an hour and a half. First of all, they gave me a Mustang, which is what I drive, but it was an electric Mustang. That defeats the entire purpose of the Mustang. The whole point of that car is that you step on the gas and there's a rumble and you feel it in your balls. And when you accelerate, there's a. And that's the whole point. That's 90% of it for me. Now I'm at an electric grant. It's faster when you step on that accelerator, man. It is amazing. But that's not why I'm in the business. So I get this car and the guy goes. I go, what about charging it? He goes, how far are you going? I said, 90 miles. He goes, you get over 300 on this, so you're good. Okay, great, Great. So I drive up there, no problem. I do the gigs. No problem. And then I noticed. Oh, no, no. I noticed driving up there that the car had only been charged to about 79%. It was not at 100. So now I'm like, 10. Do I have enough? And now I get to the gig and I'm at 40%. But I gotta drive to the club, to the hotel a couple times. Long story short, it's down to 36%. So I spend my entire day. I'm there Friday night and Saturday night. I spend four hours on Saturday, I finally find a charging station that works. The Tesla one isn't compatible. The other one was broke. I mean, I spent the whole. I finally get one, and it is like a dropper of electricity. It is a little, skinny. An anemic fucking charger. And it. It. It gives me, like, one percentage every 20 minutes. I sat there for two and a half hours, and I got it up to. I want to say, 60%. So I was like, all right, I'm good. So the next morning, I get up, I turn on the car, and it's at, like, 40%. I'm like, what the fuck just happened? So now I'm driving, and I'm looking for a station to charge it at because I'm not gonna make it because it tells you how many miles you're gonna get off the battery. And it's telling me I get 83 miles. But I know on my GPS that it's. That it's 89. And it's getting. With. The ratio is getting worse and worse. So I finally pull over, and again, can't find a charger. I mean, I hate to talk people out of getting an electric. Electric car because it's good for the environment, but they're not there yet. So again, I find another anemic charger. And then I said, fuck it. I called AAA because I got AAA plus which tows you up to 100 miles for free. And I was like, they can tow me right to budget and I'll make my flight. Luckily I left like two hours. I left myself an extra hour and a half, which I needed. So then finally I get back on the highway and I go, I'm just gonna drive as far as I can. And if I end up in the breakdown lane, so be it. That means Triple A will come that much faster. Oh, I called AAA and they said it'll be an hour and a half. So I said, fuck it. I start driving. I'm on the highway and I'm somehow staying very cool in all of this. I usually lose my temper and I punch the wheel and I yell and instead I'm just like, I'm like a guy in the zone. I'm just making micro decisions and I'm, and I'm, I'm weighing my options. And now I'm on the highway and my best option is run out of electricity on the side of the highway. Triple A will come get me right away because I'm on a highway and I'll maybe make my flight. At this point, there's no fat left. I have to make it. And then all sudden it gets down to 3%. I'm on the highway and I see a busy exit. So I said, fuck it. I get off, I GPS battery charger and I find a good one. I find one that is just like the, it's now I'm, I'm in the, I'm in the what's, what's. The Straits that are closed down in Iran right now. Damn it, that would have been funny. So I, so it's coming out. I get a good 25 charge in like 10 minutes. And then I get on the highway and now my flight is at 11:30. It is now 10:30 and I am 35 minutes from the airport. So I was like, all right, I'm fucked, I'm not going to make it. But I go, don't give up. Maybe the flight's 10 minutes delayed. Just keep going. So I'm flying, I'm going 90 miles an hour, maybe 95 on the highway and I get to Chicago o'. Hare. I pull into the lot of the rent a car place. It's now five minutes after 11 for my 11:30 flight and I gotta return the car. I gotta get on a train that takes you to your terminal. I'm in Terminal 3. I get off. As I talk about later, I had the touchless TSA id I fucking screamed through that id. My gate is way on the other side. And I tear. And I get down there and they're closing the door to my gate and I go, I'm here. And they go, greg Fitzsimmons. I go, that's me. I made it. I fucking made it. So I get on and I get in my seat and I suddenly feel exhausted. And I realize I've been under so much stress and sitting on it that I didn't feel it. And I literally closed my eyes and I woke up two hours later and I was like, what the fuck? Because I had slept a full night. I was like, what the fuck was that? So I'm groggy. I get off the plane, I have like two cups of coffee, hang out with the wife. I take some mushrooms. I do a cold plunge at my friend's house. I watch the new Pinky Blinders movie, which is outstanding. And then I go to get into bed and I have. I take so many pills that I have a morning box of pills and I have a nighttime pill box. So I go to look at my nighttime box and the Sunday compartment is empty. And then I look at the morning one and the Sunday morning pills are still there. Guess what I did? I took my sleeping pill, which I take every night. I took it in the morning and then got behind the wheel of a car, made 3, 4, 5, 6 stops, and then sped at 90 miles an hour and made a flight on a fucking Lunesta. 3 milligrams of Lunesta. I could have killed somebody. I was like, what the fuck? So I made it. I don't know how nobody died and I made it. So I'm here and I'm on to the next stop. Come see me. It's. It's always a trip. Bakersfield at the well, April 18th. Escondido. Grand Comedy Club, April 24 and 25. Boston. Coming to Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th. Kind of my home club in my hometown. New Hampshire and Maine. I'm coming to Agunquit and I can't remember somewhere in New hampshire. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets and come out. Also want to mention Tempo Meals. If you don't want to cook, you don't want to chop, slice, saute, any of that. I don't have time for it. Spring's here, I want to be outside. Tempo gives you chef crafted, fresh dietitian approved meals right to the door. I'm telling you, I've tried a lot of these meal services. This is by far the best one. It takes two minutes to prepare. And I'm telling you, these taste like restaurant meals. Not to mention, you can get packed with protein, 30 grams of protein. You can get GLP1 balanced meals. Maria Sharapova. I mean, what else do you need to know? I make a lot of my decisions based on what's Maria Sharapova doing. So look, eat like a responsible adult. Don't cram french fries in your mouth because you ran out of time. Don't settle for a block of ice disguised as a meal. Get yourself some. I had some chicken and broccoli. I had this chicken with like, I forget the sauce on it. And then like, I've had so many good meals with them, I'm spacing right now. I'll do it on the next ad. But anyway, here's the deal. For a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to Tempo meals.com fitzdog that's tempomeals.com fitzdogg for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com fitzstog rules and restrictions may apply. Now. My guest today, I spoke to him yesterday. He was born in England and raised in Jamaica and then Long Island. He was a regular on At Midnight. He's been on Conan a million times, Marc Maron's podcast, Rogan's podcast, this guy. We started in the trenches together in New York and have been doing standup together in LA for 20 years. And we've written on a lot of TV shows together. We wrote on Crashing Together. We wrote on Afion Crockett's show with Jamie Foxx. And he was also a producer on the Carmichael show, Blackish. Anyway, super funny comic bunch of specials. Check them all out. Here's my chat with the great Ian Edwards. Foreign. My guest today. I'm so excited. I usually only have guests on like once every two years. Maybe once a year. I just had Ian on about, I don't know, six months ago. But I'm just really excited to have you on for Black History Month.

[B]

It's Women's Month right now.

[A]

It is?

[B]

Yes. It's March.

[A]

When's Black History Month?

[B]

February.

[A]

Oh, so you're late. You are late.

[B]

Actually, I am late.

[A]

You were supposed to be. It's a Monday. You were supposed to be here at 11am I called you at 11:10 and woke you up.

[B]

Yeah, well, I woke up after you called, then I called you back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

How do you think about your life?

[B]

Sayin you think about my Life.

[A]

Yeah. Because I'm fuckin raising kids and I gotta get up early every day and I can't hang out late at night. And then I see you and you're just. You do a spot and then you make a night of it. Hang out at the club.

[B]

I go home now. I used to hang out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? But after the pandemic, everybody just goes home. It's like, maybe like a newer set of people out there.

[A]

I know, I know.

[B]

You're not missing anything. Everybody just goes home. All we used to do was go eat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Late.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Somewhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And have a lot of fun joking around.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Go to swingers.

[B]

Go to swingers. Or the 101 Cafe or whatever was open at the time. Even the food was bad. Like if we were at. What's the one? Mel's.

[A]

Mel's is the worst. No, Norm's is worse than Mel's. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We'd still have fun, like just cracking up, cracking jokes. So just, just being irresponsible until we got caught out and just had time.

[A]

Well, I think also, like, there's so much pressure to create content now that people have to be up early to do a podcast. Some people get up early to do a podcast. Or you gotta be like, people go home and they get on their social media.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, you know, now that's a really good point. It's like you can't even hang out late cause you're a dp. An editor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're. You're posting on social media.

[A]

You're a marketing director.

[B]

You're a marketing director. You're buying ads for your show, you're booking yourself and then whatever other type of jobs, auditions or whatever. So as I. Yeah.

[A]

And then you got just the, the constant upkeep on social media. You got Instagram Messages, you got YouTube comments, you got Twitter comments, you got TikTok. I mean, like, if Facebook. Like I literally have not been on my Facebook in five years, but my videos get posted automatically to Facebook.

[B]

Left your message that I was gonna be late this morning. That's what you would have known.

[A]

I put a bottle in the Pacific Ocean with a note in it. You might as well. I would get that fast. Then I would get a Facebook message. But, but it is, it is a shame because like when I started in Boston, oh my God, it was literally just like if you were. Here's the criteria for getting booked in Boston. And when I say Boston, I mean New England. Where you could work five, six nights a week cash. No one was paying taxes, and you only got booked if you killed. It didn't matter what your credits were. It didn't matter if you were a draw. Because back then, putting the word comedy over a Chinese restaurant on a Tuesday night, that was the draw. People would just pack the room. And because comedy was so hot, so we didn't have to worry about anything except you write some material, you go kill. And so during the day, it was like, me, Tom Cotter, Rogan, Al Ducharme, and we'd smoke pot, we'd go to the movies. We played softball three days a week. When it was warm out, we played softball three days a week. We all belong to the squash club. We play squash every day. And we had a blast. And then. And now it's so rare, like, sometimes when you're on the road, but it's

[B]

coming from a guy that raised a family, which is a lot of work. So, you know.

[A]

Well, I didn't take it that seriously, which is smart. No, I think you can over parent your kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's one thing. My kids will never accuse me of over parenting them. No, I did. We did. But, I mean, I was gone. I basically go away every other weekend, but I'm gone for two or three nights every other week. So it wasn't. It wasn't that bad.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And when I was around, I was around, and I was very, very involved.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like you raised your family well. I always, like, think about you and your family and your wife situation and how you feel about your wife. I probably said that on this podcast before.

[A]

I think you have. Yeah. But you can say it again. She listens.

[B]

It's pretty. It's pretty impressive.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, thanks, man.

[B]

Especially when we're at work, whether we're writing on the show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I'm gonna go home and make a move on my wife today. It's like, who still wants to do that? That's pretty. That's pretty dope.

[A]

Yeah. We took mushrooms last night, and we do that a lot of times on Sundays. And I just know what. Nobody I'd rather be with. We were both turning 60. I invited you to my party, and you're gonna be gone. You're gonna be in Batavia, Illinois, that weekend.

[B]

Yeah. Doing. Is it the vault?

[A]

Yeah, it's the comedy vault. But the thing is, when you get invited to a party and it's a big number, like 60, you can still a gift and not some Batavia hoodie. Don't bring Me back some swag from Batavia.

[B]

What's wrong with swag from Batavia? What's wrong?

[A]

Dude, look at this.

[B]

I just worked out here.

[A]

I just worked this weekend at. At the Comedy Cabin. They gave me this sweet ass sweatshirt.

[B]

Where is the Comedy Cabin?

[A]

It's actually not far from there. It's in Janesville, Wisconsin.

[B]

Oh. Where it looks warm.

[A]

It's really warm. Well, it's Wisconsin, and I gotta say, I just finished 10 weeks on the road and I did well. Like, I hit a lot. Bonuses, a lot of sellouts. But Batavia? Not Batavia. Janesville. Crickets.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Not a lot of turnout.

[B]

I won't hit up my agent after this and rush him to book me there.

[A]

No, the first time I did it, I did three shows and sold out two of them. And so the age as a booker gave me more money to come back this time. And then I.

[B]

That was before there was a war going on and gas prices are through the roof.

[A]

That's why nobody came.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

They don't have electric cars in Wisconsin.

[B]

Yeah. So it's a whole thing going on. That's what I'm gonna blame all my small capacity weekends on.

[A]

Well, that's the best is the club owner always tries to throw you a bone when you're not drawn that way. Well, you know, it's like 75 degrees out. Nobody wants to come inside. Or there's always, like, a state fair going on.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I always get booked during the state fair.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, my timing is impeccable when it comes to state fairs.

[A]

I know. I just was in Houston and the rodeo was in town. Dude, that was a rough one. But it's nice that they try to give you those out.

[B]

They had the rodeo and the baseball probably when you was in town, because aren't they doing the baseball like the real World Series?

[A]

Oh. With different countries. Oh, right, right, right.

[B]

Not the American World Series.

[A]

I was gonna ask you about. I know you're not into baseball. You're really just into soccer. Premier League soccer, I think you're a Manchester United guy.

[B]

Yeah, 100%.

[A]

I hear they sucked this year.

[B]

Ah, they did. Know what? They didn't really suck this year. They sucked last year. And the coach was slowly getting it together, but he still needed to make a few adjustments. Then they fired him because he said some shit he shouldn't have said.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they just grabbed, like, this guy who used to play for them, and he's never coached at that level

[A]

before, so he's like the Ted Lasso of The league.

[B]

Not Ted Lasso. But he's won everything with the club before.

[A]

As a player.

[B]

As a player. And he's a legendary player. And it's just working out. We've won, like eight out of our last 10, and we only lost one of those damn two that we didn't. So we're like third in the league.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We've come up, like, a few places and, like, the team. Team's ready to roll.

[A]

Cause if people don't follow soccer, and I barely do, but my son is an Arsenal fan. I know. You've given me shit about that.

[B]

I know. You know what I say? You raised your kids well. You raised them terribly. You should have been more hands on. Dare you.

[A]

He went around my back with that. Well, you know, he was a big player. He played. He played school soccer and club soccer for, like, 12 years.

[B]

You know, I give him respect for that.

[A]

And so he's got a good ass on him. I mean, I say of. Of, of for ass. I would say soccer is probably the number one sport.

[B]

Ass and calves. I mean, for some reason, none of that worked for me.

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Right. And I played a lot.

[A]

You still got the abs, though, right?

[B]

Nah.

[A]

No. I like your workouts, though. When I ask you, like, you don't go to the gym, you do these, like, home workouts where it's all body weight.

[B]

I think I was doing that during the pandemic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But now. Now I'm back in the gym.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, good. So let's go back to soccer. So I didn't understand, like, it's so different than here, where if you have a bad season, you can actually get knocked down a division in the league.

[B]

Yeah. There's no tanking for a draft pick and staying in the league.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You go down to the league below.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, three teams at the bottom of the Premier League, the ones that do the worst, they'll get relegated to the league below.

[A]

Relegated? Yeah. Damn.

[B]

And then the three teams that did the best in the league below come up. So there's stakes to not be in the bottom three. So there's the fight at the top of the table to get in, to win the league and to be in the top five, six clubs. And then there's also an interesting race at the bottom of the table to not get relegated.

[A]

So if you're in the bottom three teams and you get relegated down, can you trade up into one of the teams that just got bumped up, or is that not allowed?

[B]

What do you mean, trade up?

[A]

Like, say. Say I'm on Arsenal. And Arsenal gets relegated down a lead.

[B]

Arsenal's going down.

[A]

Okay. And say Manchester United was below and now they're back up. Can I get traded to.

[B]

If you mean if you're a player.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like some of those players that go down from the bottom three, they were good players on a bad team. So somebody with a good team that's still in the league were like, let's get, let's buy your player.

[A]

Is that frowned upon? Does that make you look disloyal to your team that you would do that?

[B]

Because now you're in a lower league that pays less and a lot of teams can't afford to keep some of these players.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they want to sell them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And they have to like adjust to the money that they're going to make in that league.

[A]

Oh, I see. Oh. So. So if I'm a player in the, in the top league and I get bumped down, my salary stays the same.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Okay. And they can't afford that, so they get rid of you.

[B]

Because that league doesn't make as much money as the league they just dropped out of.

[A]

So it's kind of a self fulfilling thing that if you get bumped down a league, getting out of that is that much harder because now you've lost your best players.

[B]

Yes. It's tough to get out.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

Yeah. There's teams that just end up going down and staying down, but not just to that league, to the leagues below that league. Cause there's like at least four more leagues below that. So you could. This team's like, they've been gone for decades.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they were powerhouses.

[A]

So what's the secret to moving up?

[B]

The secret to moving up is like just investment and you just. And you have to like have a good eye and pick the right players.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because there's a lot of teams that invest. Like spurs. Right now they're, they're in the, they're fourth from the bottom.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And spurs is like one of the big five teams and they might go down.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And their investments, they got bad investments and injuries.

[A]

But I know that like with Messi, he was brought into Barcelona when he was just a kid and. Is that what you mean by investment? They put him into the training program when they're like 11.

[B]

You know how you just talked about transfers?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like when you buy a player for a lot of money that play a bit of work because you spent a lot of the money that you had on that player.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So if that player kicks off and does well, fine. But if he gets injured.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you accounting on him to feel like a key position, and then you're just stuck with the players that you have before. If that person gets injured or just doesn't play well.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So it's like, if you spend big money, and sometimes, like spurs, they don't spend enough money, like, they'll be, like, looking for a bargain. Like that guy. He's not as good as that guy, but his numbers are close. So let's get him. Cause he's cheaper.

[A]

Well, so who wants to be on a team called Spurs? It's literally like an injury. They're naming you, like, phone Spurs.

[B]

Well, they're all injured now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But they're starting 11. Pretty much.

[A]

Who's this kid who's like 18, who's like the new big thing? They're saying he's the future of soccer.

[B]

Yamal.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He play. He's. So here's the irony of this. This kid comes through La Masia. Messi came through La Masia. Now, La Masia is a very famous Barcelona football youth school slash program.

[A]

It's a club.

[B]

Yeah. It's like. It's like they find kids at a certain age and put them in La

[A]

Masia and they're like 11, 12 years old.

[B]

Yeah. And they train them to, like, join the big squad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's how you get a free player. So Messi, somebody saw Messi in Argentina that had a connection to Barcelona and was like, hey, man, we think you should take a look at this kid. He's undernourished and everything, but. And he won't grow, but there's something about him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then Barcelona was like, all right, we'll take him. And then they injected him, gave him hormones, and got his, like, weight up and raised him since he was a kid. So he played for Barcelona for free? Normally to buy a Messi.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, over 100 million. They got 100 million, the greatest play in the world for free. Since he was a kid.

[A]

And he stayed loyal to Barcelona.

[B]

Yeah, he stayed loyal to Barcelona.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, Barcelona had to get rid of him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then.

[A]

And now he's in Miami now.

[B]

He's in Miami now, Yamal. Same thing. A kid growing up in Spain, they identified him from an early age, and they brought him into La Masia, and now he's the. He has more goals and has played more for Barcelona than Messi did at Messi's age at 18.

[A]

Oh, damn.

[B]

So imagine, like.

[A]

And he's big, right?

[B]

Yeah. He's like. He's just like, for lack of a better word, like Gumby. He's like, just elastic, you know what I mean? And he's just strong and he can bend and just flip back into his shape and he's just like. And then he can do all these things with the ball. Like that program that they have there in La Masia is like the way they train them, the technical ability of these kids. Like, they're better than anywhere else in the world.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like, it's just a real football school. Wow. So then if you already have natural talent and you end up at La Masia and you just keep your head on straight, you'll be fine. And that's what this kid is doing.

[A]

But keeping your head on straight is difficult at that age to get that kind of pressure on you. Like, my kid played on a club soccer team. That was good. But my son was the best player on the team. He's like one of the best players in the league. So he got picked up by Santa Monica United, which is famously like, you know, whose kid ended up playing there also is. I'll think of it. But it's super intense. Like, they always win the league, they always win the state championships. So my son got put on that league and he mentally was not ready for it.

[B]

Oh, were.

[A]

And like, he had the talent and the coach said to him, this is a quote to a fucking 12 year old. He goes, you're a magician who can't do any magic. Like, he's got the skills, but he wasn't able under pressure to pull it off. Like, because they were all about no touch passes and moving the ball. And my son was the kind of guy who got the ball and digged out three guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that used to make. That used to make.

[B]

He's on the wrong team then.

[A]

Well, he was coaching the players to all play the same way.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

As opposed to saying, oh, you're good at this. I'll put you at left wing and you can draw people to you and then cross it or whatever.

[B]

Well, that's the issue in the bigger game now. Like in the. On the pros, they're like the coaches. It's turning into NFL where the coach calls every play. Where soccer wasn't like that. You could yell shit from the sidelines, but there's no timeouts and you call in plays or the ref. The quarterback has to look at the thing that the coach wrote on his soccer. It's more free flowing but now the coaches are trying to take any chance out the game. And when you get the ball, you have three choices. Him, him or him. So you pass to him, and when you get the ball is him, him and him. And then you have to move there. So there's no like. Like this person, just this maverick just popping up. And if you don't practice that way

[A]

you don't play, they don't play you. Yeah, right, right.

[B]

Because the coach is trying to. Coach knows what he wants to do.

[A]

Yeah. So he. So he switched back to the other team and the other team had a losing record every year. But then that. But then that coach was really good and they developed and they ended up winning the championship. Oh, dope Y. His senior year, he was the captain of the high school team and they were undefeated. He was captain of his club team. They were undefeated.

[B]

So did he beat? What's the team that he left? Your son?

[A]

Different league.

[B]

Different league, yeah.

[A]

And so he went to college and he had, like, interest to play Division 1. And he was like, you know what, Dad? I don't want to train for 40 hours a week and travel on the weekends. I wanted to, like, enjoy college.

[B]

Telling me, disappointed.

[A]

He did disappoint me.

[B]

Yeah, disappointed. Me too. Tell him Uncle Ian is mad and I'm late.

[A]

He's mad that you like Arsenal and he's mad that you didn't get.

[B]

Yeah, he disappointed me twice in one conversation.

[A]

Have you ever met my son? He's been to the club I got him.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah, I met him once.

[A]

Well, I would play golf with Richie, who used to be the GM over at the Comedy Store. And so Richie got to know my son really well because we would always play golf together on Fridays. And. And so Owen had the summer off and he's like, yeah, I need to find a job. And Richie. And he goes to Richie, he goes, can I work at the Comedy Store? And Richie's like, sure, yeah, I'll get you a job. He goes, come in on Friday. And Owen's like, I can't fucking believe it. I'm going to be, like, hanging out in the parking lot, talking to Theo Vaughn and watching the shows from the back. And so, so, so Richie goes, be there at Saturday, 8 o'. Clock. He goes, okay. He goes, am. He's like, there's no shows in the morning. He's like, no, no, no. And he's got a mop in his hand. He's cleaning out the toilet. So he did that the whole summer. He never got to work at Night.

[B]

Oh, that's why I never saw him.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I think you brought him there once on your birthday. On his birthday, yes. And then you did a show and you talked about him. He was in the audience.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right.

[B]

So I think I met him then.

[A]

So let's talk about. I had the craziest fucking thing happen. Should I do this in the intro or should I do it now? I'll do it now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm in Janesville this weekend, and I'd fly into Chicago. I think it's same with Batavia. Fly into Chicago and just drive.

[B]

Which airport in Chicago should I fly?

[A]

O'. Hare.

[B]

O'. Hare. All right, cool.

[A]

Which, no problems with tsa, by the way. Travel tip to everybody. If you. If you don't have tsa, get tsa. And if you have tsa, there's touchless tsa, which means you go on the app. You got to do it separately for each airline. You have to sign up separately, but you go to American Airlines, which I flew this weekend. You enter your passport info. That's it. And now you're touchless, which means there's a separate line.

[B]

Your driver's license, your real id. Can you enter that info?

[A]

No, I think they need passport. Why, is it expired?

[B]

Yeah, mine's expired.

[A]

Well, yeah, you gotta do that. You better get that shit right. Because they're not gonna let you vote. Especially since you're an immigrant.

[B]

No. Vote for war.

[A]

Yeah, right. So you do that, and then you walk up. You don't pull out your id. You don't pull out your boarding pass. You literally walk up to the camera. There's no line. Snap, walk right through.

[B]

Damn. Seasoned traveler here.

[A]

Well, I just learned about it on TikTok, like, two weeks ago, so I did it. I tried it out this week. I couldn't believe it. Especially if you're in an airport where there's a lot of traffic, which there is right now.

[B]

So what's the real ID for? They said the real id, like, you know, was supposed to, like, guarantee everything, and now it's not good enough. I gotta have a passport.

[A]

You mean tsa?

[B]

Yeah, for tsa.

[A]

Even, like, before real id. Right, right, right, right.

[B]

Even before the strike or whatever's going on. Like, airlines were charging you 40 bucks if you didn't have a real ID.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah, yeah. Get the real ID or get the tsa. Touchless. It's just another way of being better than poor people.

[B]

Yeah. And being better than even Rich people.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Who are not smart enough to get touchless.

[A]

You're efficient and rich and. But here's the thing. Like, there's so much classism that's being entered into daily life in America now. Like, you just think about everything from, you know, taking an Uber from the airport, you got to get on a shuttle bus to whatever, or if you get Uber black, you can just wait right on the curb when you walk out of the airport, and it'll pick you up, but it's going to cost twice as much. And then if you got the big money, you go to the airport, they got these escorts. These are, like, stars, and they. They give you. Somebody call in advance. They meet you at the door, they walk you. You cut the whole line in security. They walk you to your gate, you tip them, and it costs, like, a hundred bucks a period. I don't know what it costs. But, like, so you get your. You. You do that. You get your Uber Black. You got your, you know, lounges that you get into while you're waiting, then you sit in first class. Like, there's so much feeling inferior when you're traveling now.

[B]

I flew Delta 1 once, right?

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

I didn't even know what it was. Yeah, like, so, you know, I'm working for the show, and we're shooting in New York, so they're gonna go to New York. It was survival of the thickest, right? So, first of all, a black car comes to the crib, picks me up. So I'm in the back. We get to the airport. The guy says, I think you're Delta One. So instead of going upstairs and dropping me off at Arrivals, he takes me downstairs. I don't know what Delta One is, so I think, oh, this guy's just being lazy. He just wants to, like, just not encounter the traffic upstairs and just drop me off downstairs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm, like, kind of pissed, you know? I was like, come on. Why am I. Why am I getting gypped in my experience here of being in a black car all the way to the airport? Then he's like. He pulls up, he's like, give me your license. What do you. But I give it to him anyway. Then he gets out the car, walks over to this doorway, disappears, comes back out and said, yeah, I knew you were Delta 1. Go to that lady over there. He gives me my license. I go to the lady. We enter the airport, and there's, like, just me. And she runs my luggage through the thing. Just, nope, there's nobody. And then, of course, there's no bombs or nothing in there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This time. And she's like, all right. Gives me all my stuff back. And then I'm like, what do I do now? Just get in the elevator and go to the Delta Lounge.

[A]

Straight to the Delta Lounge.

[B]

Straight to the Delta Lounge.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

And, bro, I had breakfast in the Delta Lounge. Then I had breakfast on the plane. And then when I landed in New York, I went to the dental lounge and had lunch.

[A]

All your human needs are Met by Delta1. Took a dump in that lounge.

[B]

I could have got a massage in the lounge.

[A]

That's right. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. I went one time, I was traveling with Bert, and he gives me this address for lax. He's like, we're going through something. I can't remember what it's called. And I was like, what's that?

[B]

He goes, that rich shit?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So I drive to this address, I punch into my gps, and I drive past the airport. And then I take a right after I pass the airport.

[B]

And in your mind, you're like, this is wrong.

[A]

This is wrong.

[B]

Yeah. But you keep going anyway.

[A]

Well. Cause it's like a side street. So I'm like, on a side street. And then I see the sign for it, and I pull in. Valet parking. Take your car, somebody escorts you into this room. And it's this lounge that's, like, as big as this studio. Couches, big scream TV, PlayStation, hot buffet, waiter. And it's just me and Bert and two other guys. And we hang out for, like, an hour. And then we go through airport security, which was. Literally, there's, like, two or three of these lounges in this area. And then they've got their own metal screener and conveyor belt. And we each go through, and then we get off, and they have this. This, like, SUV that drives us to the plane.

[B]

That's. Wow.

[A]

And there's a. There's a stairs that go in. But, like, everybody else is coming through the bridge and getting on the plane. Your stairs go up, and they hold them, and you walk through onto the plane, and they take you right up to first class.

[B]

You know what I think. Think is going on? Sometimes when you're on a flight and they say, hey, we have to switch out a part. So there's gonna be a delay. They're waiting for a rich person. Yeah, they're waiting for a rich person to finish up in the lounge and get driven over.

[A]

He's taking a shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Waiting for a rich person to finish up getting their massage. That's what the delay is. There's no part. I don't see any mechanics.

[A]

Yeah. Meanwhile, the back is getting tighter and tighter. And they're charging now. I forget. They just added a new charge. United's always the first one to hit you with that extra charge. Overhead. Charging for overhead. That was United.

[B]

They charge for overhead.

[A]

Yeah. If you get. If you get United Basic, that means they won't assign you a seat until you get to the airport, which means you're in the middle seat back by the bathroom. You can't bring luggage on for the overhead. You can only have your bag between your legs. You got to pay for that overhead separately.

[B]

I don't. I mostly try to get on the Delta flight, but. That's wild. But I hate United.

[A]

Hate United.

[B]

I hate United.

[A]

I'll just say that on the podcast, we just cost you, like, two to three customers this year.

[B]

Yeah. But new United Basic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I'd always carry just one bag with me.

[A]

When you go on the road, you just carry one bag.

[B]

It's three days.

[A]

So what, do you wear the same outfit on stage every night?

[B]

Different. Different. I just need three shirts. Three shirts, two pair of pants for the shows, and two sweatsuits.

[A]

You fit all that in a bag?

[B]

I'm wearing one of the sweatsuits. Yeah, one's in the bag. So I can alternate and.

[A]

Wait, you alter. Why do you need a separate sweatsuit?

[B]

Because I'm not gonna wear the same sweatsuit I wore on Friday during the day that I wore Saturday during the day.

[A]

What? Why not?

[B]

That's not how I roll.

[A]

Wait a minute. Are you sweating in your sweatsuit?

[B]

No.

[A]

So what's the problem? Are you afraid someone's gonna see you and be like, that guy was wearing the same sweatsuit yesterday? Really?

[B]

Yes and no. But that's just. No. Normally I have a bunch of tracksuits. That's like my day outside pajamas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm like. I don't have to think about what to put on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I have these things. So let me bring two on the road, I'll wear one to the airport. Then the next day, I wear the other one. Then the next day, I put on the one that I wear off to the airport.

[A]

And you fit all that in a bag between your legs?

[B]

It's a tumi knapsack. But not between my legs. It goes in the overhead.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Because when I go on the road, I bring one pair of black pants for all the shows.

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

And I bring two shirts.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I wear a sweatsuit I wear like. Like what you. I always have an Adidas matching sweatsuit. I bring the shoes I'm wearing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I wear them on stage and off stage and then I just bring however many T shirts, underwear and socks as I need for the trip and a toiletry bag and my podcast equipment. Because I'm always taping something on the road.

[B]

We bring about the same amount of things. I don't bring any podcast equipment.

[A]

But the second sweatsuit is really something

[B]

you got to think about is appalling.

[A]

It's excessive. Yeah.

[B]

Mr. Toiletry Bag. It's the podcast.

[A]

I mean. Well, that's why I gotta make. I gotta make room for that stuff. What else do I bring that's unusual? I always bring a Bose speaker for the hotel room. Gotta have my music.

[B]

You can't connect to the. To the radio in the. In the.

[A]

The little AM FM radio.

[B]

I never listen to the. I listen to podcasts and shit. I don't listen to music.

[A]

What kind of music do you listen to when you listen to music?

[B]

Whatever they're playing at Starbucks on Hillhurst, I add it to my playlist. The DJ there is fire.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The Starbucks dj.

[B]

The Starbucks. Whoever curates that playlist.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is on fire.

[A]

So it's a lot of Kate Bush running up that hill.

[B]

It's a lot of Chapel Rome.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Chappelle Rome.

[B]

Chappelle Roan. Yeah, yeah. A lot of that.

[A]

Yep. They like female artists.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That have a strong voice.

[B]

Whatever you take mushrooms to, it's on the list.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

They used to sell you those CDs, remember, at the checkout thing?

[B]

It used to be a record store and.

[A]

Record store. Yeah, right. How's your career going? I got into Starbucks, but I. I did this funny thing one time I had when I worked on the Ellen show. I don't know if I think I've told this story on the show before, but I'll tell it again. They were research this before there was like this. I started on that show in 2003. So there was Google, but it wasn't like people didn't interact with Google.

[B]

Was it dial up Google?

[A]

I don't know if it was dial up, but, like, it just wasn't. You couldn't do the kind of research you can today back then. So there was a research department on the show because it was a daily show, it was topical. And so literally the second day on the show, I've just met everybody and I go. I go down to Research. And I go, hey, I need info on the Olympics in 2008. Blah, blah, blah. So they come in, they print it out, they bring it in, and I go, hey, thanks a lot, man. There's two guys that did it, Pete and Eric. I go, thanks a lot, man. So I come into work the next day, and I give them each a Starbucks gift card, and they're like, you didn't have to do that again. Thank you. So then they come in a couple days later, and Eric comes into the room, and he's fucking howling. He goes, you didn't put any money on those cards, did you? I go, nope. I picked them up off the counter. You know how they always had them on the counter? Empty. And I just gave them empty gift cards. And they fucking loved me after that. Because the best part part is you got to picture him order. He probably go, you know what? No, give me the big one.

[B]

Yeah, they went to the thing.

[A]

Give me a day. Give me a D. I don't usually get a day. Give me the Danish. Starbucks. Grabbing some for the guy in line behind you. I got him.

[B]

That's funny. That's hilarious.

[A]

But Starbucks has become like McDonald's. And when they started, it really was like they had baristas. Like, they had. They had quality stuff. And then it's just the quality of Starbucks has gone so far down.

[B]

Yeah, the coffee's trash.

[A]

Coffee's trash.

[B]

But I go to Starbucks every day, but I just get tea. Oh, I get that tea. They have these Teavana. Yeah, Tea packets. Tivana is like, one of the best teas, but. And I just do that.

[A]

So you wake up every day and you go straight to Starbucks.

[B]

Yeah. Nah.

[A]

You don't have breakfast.

[B]

Nah, I'll eat lunch. I see people eat breakfast at Starbucks.

[A]

I'm like, all right, those sandwiches are massive.

[B]

Is that what you want to do to you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Trying to elongate my life incrementally.

[A]

All right, so walk me through an Ian Edwards day. You wake up around obviously not 11, because that's what time you're supposed to be here.

[B]

All right? I got a new schedule.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I'm failing at it, because this morning, like, I set my alarm. I went to bed at midnight. I was supposed to get up at 6am Which I did. I went downstairs and fell right back asleep. I was supposed to start, like, stretching and working out, go to the gym.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then come to you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But because coming to do a podcast on Monday was so foreign.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, even when I woke up, it

[A]

never occurred to me, Mondays are my worst day of the week. I always fuck up on Mondays.

[B]

It's my weekend.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

It's the first day of my weekend because we're comics. So I was like, it never even. Sometimes I put your thing was in my calendar, but it never occurred to me to check the calendar. It's Monday. There's nothing to do on Monday.

[A]

Especially when you do a show on Sunday night, which you and I don't normally do. Now it feels like Sunday morning.

[B]

So now it feels like Sunday morning. I did a show last night at the store. I don't even know how I got on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then I just fell back asleep. Then when I woke up, I started stretching and then I was like, look at your phone. I was like, oh, shit, it's 11. I forgot. What time? 1105 or something. 1115. I saw you just called and I said, oh, shit, the podcast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then I called you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I just got ready and just came over.

[A]

All right, so normally, what time do you wake up?

[B]

So I've got this new schedule where I want to wake up at 6am, work out and then go to sleep.

[A]

You got a gym in your building?

[B]

Stretch at home and then go to

[A]

the gym in the building.

[B]

No, 24 Hour Fitness.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I want to use the weights and I also want to use the sauna.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Get all these microplastics and whatever inside of me out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean.

[A]

So when you go on the sauna. Mm, I never been to a 24 hour fitness sauna. Do you go in with a towel on?

[B]

Nah, I just go in regular clothes. The workout clothes?

[A]

No, I mean in the fucking sauna. Yeah. You go into the sauna?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it one of your sweatshirts?

[B]

No matter how much they.

[A]

Is that why I call it a sweatshirt?

[B]

It's just a T shirt and a sweatpants. No matter how much they tell you, they tell people don't come in there with their gear. And everybody's in there.

[A]

Really?

[B]

They say, don't wear your workout sneakers in there. And I brought sandals one time and I saw everybody with their sneakers on. I was like, I'm not changing mine.

[A]

Dude, this is some low end working out. That is so weird to me. So you sweat on your clothes?

[B]

Yeah, because I'm gonna throw them in the drying hamper and I got like paper towels. I'm wiping myself off.

[A]

You don't even bring a real towel?

[B]

No.

[A]

Don't you think that there's plastic Carbons in that shitty paper towel they give.

[B]

Yeah. But I go home and shower right away. Yeah, yeah, that's the key.

[A]

So you sweat up your. Your pants and then you drive home in your sweaty pants.

[B]

Yeah, but I got, like, a hoodie that I put on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I don't fuck up the seat as much. So now by the time I walk to my car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I'm dry.

[A]

So you're wearing a hoodie while you're sweating, which means you're.

[B]

No, no, I put the hoodie on after.

[A]

Do you wash the hoodie every time you wear it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it goes in the hamper. I got, like, all these comedy club hoodies.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, me too.

[B]

You know, so I just bring one of those.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? So then I go home, shower, hit the Starbucks, and it's about like, am I posting today? Am I writing something today to, like, come up with a post for later? Cause sometimes I shoot sketches with Paul or come up with an idea with somebody else.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm actually taking this AI course. A little bit.

[A]

Are you really?

[B]

Just to see if I can make some sketches.

[A]

Oh, that's great. Great. Yeah.

[B]

And then, because you can't shoot with somebody all the time, so I'm like, let me learn that a little bit. And then also, like, there's some stuff I want to write. Like, I want to write a new spec.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a drama. So I got to start, like, working on that. So that's the plan. And then. And then if I have a set that night, I will try. And I've been failing to get to a coffee shop an hour before that show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To, like, write a little bit so I can try the new tags on the bits.

[A]

All right. What are some new bits you're working on right now?

[B]

So I got some real stuff happened to me. Like, I went to the dry. Everything. The price of everything's going up. So I talk about how I went to dry cleaners.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And normally I just give them the clothes and they'll give me a receipt. And I don't look at the receipt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then this time when I went there, it was five shirts and three pants, and they charged me $107.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So I'm like, are you selling my shit back to me? I was like, this is a store now. It would have been better if I had dropped these shits off at Goodwill and then came back three days later and bought them off the rack. It would have been cheaper because they

[A]

cleaned it at Goodwill.

[B]

Yeah, they cleaned it.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[B]

Yeah, and I, I was like, dirty my back.

[A]

Yeah, right, right. It's like they're taking your clothes hostage and you're paying ransom to get them back.

[B]

That's the thing. And that's the thing I say is like, these are gonna get dirty again. So now every time I bring it to them, I'm renting my clothes from these motherfuckers.

[A]

Cause they're holding on them longer than you are. Cause it takes a week and a half to get it back. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And then. But there's like these jeans. I don't want to ruin em. And these shirts, I don't want to ruin them. I don't want to keep them. And they're like classic and you can. They'll stay in style. They won't go out of style.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So like, that's the look. Yeah, I'm going for.

[A]

Yeah, but.

[B]

And you think, all right, this is how you save money. Yeah, but the dry cleaners and the rest of the world's like, nah.

[A]

Oh my God. That is.

[B]

That's Go to Marshalls.

[A]

That's a really funny premise. I like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What did I have a new bit I thought of today. New jokes. This is my. I got my list of new jokes, but it's getting too long. I need to.

[B]

That's good, but.

[A]

But it's a lot of shit. I think of yesterday. Oh, oh. I was thinking about that TV show, I Dream a Genie. Do you remember that one?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I dream of Genie for you, the younger people that are watching. Jen, whatever the fuck you are. There was a show. There was a television show on prime time network called I Dream of Jeannie. And here's the premise. There's a military guy who has a. Barbara Eden was the smokingest hot chick you've ever seen in your life. Mid she. And she would wear a genie outfit with the completely exposed midriff giant breasts. And she lived in a bottle and she would come out and she would do whatever he told her to do. And then when he'd get mad at her, he'd put her in the bottle and she put the cork in it and she was trapped in the bottle. That's real. That was a real show.

[B]

It wasn't as misogynistic as you make it sound.

[A]

Well, did I say anything incorrect?

[B]

Yeah, kind of.

[A]

He used to always trap her in the bottle.

[B]

I felt like she went in the bottle when she wanted to.

[A]

Yeah, but then it's a genie. No, no, no. He trapped her in there. It was a cork.

[B]

Maybe I gotta watch the show more.

[A]

There was a cork and it doesn't get in. I mean, somebody must have made a porn. There must have been a porn movie based on that, because you could. Porn movies tell her to do whatever. But you'd never find an actress as hot as Barbara Eden was.

[B]

Right. He never asked her to do anything immoral. Right?

[A]

Not on the show. But the show was only on camera. Well, it was a half an hour a week. They showed you.

[B]

So we don't know what they did off camera.

[A]

We didn't know what they did off camera. Larry Hagman was the guy.

[B]

Larry was his boy. Was. Who was his friend that knew about Genie?

[A]

Oh, there was one.

[B]

He was funny because he was immoral.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like. It's a good thing he didn't have her.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Or it would have been worse of it. Even worse of a show.

[A]

Oh, it would have been a lot of anal. Yeah. There would have been some foot. Foot stuff going on.

[B]

How does he get more than three wishes from a genie?

[A]

I know you're only supposed to get three.

[B]

Yeah, this. This thing. He got 100 episodes worth of wishes. That's why that was immoral.

[A]

And also, like, if he. He's a soldier, I would just bring her to war with me and then I'd be like, kill these guys.

[B]

Yeah. He was an astronaut. Did he find her on the moon?

[A]

Oh, he was an astronaut and.

[B]

Or did he find her on the beach?

[A]

So he found her on the beach. Yeah, I think his. I think he. His spaceship landed in the ocean and then he was getting out. He find the. He found the bottle. Yeah. So, I mean, so that show would never be made today.

[B]

No, I wouldn't be. Nah.

[A]

So that's my new premise. All right, let's get to fastballs with Fitz.

[B]

All right.

[A]

You've been here before. You know how it works.

[B]

I don't, but let's do it.

[A]

I ask you some questions.

[B]

Monday.

[A]

It's Monday. Yeah. You're pretty sharp, by the way. Haven't had your tea. You've been really good on this episode.

[B]

I mean, I slept for like eight hours. Hours.

[A]

Yeah. Because sounds like you slept like a lot more than that.

[B]

I Woke up at 6.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I went back to sleep. Yeah, I woke up like 10ish. I just. I just went from the bed to the couch. I'm coffee sharp.

[A]

Mondays are so hard for me because you're coming off the road. It's your weekend. I have a rule. Never jerk off on Monday.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because it just takes that much more energy out of me. All right, here's the first one. Have you ever been arrested?

[B]

No, luckily no.

[A]

You ever been interrogated by the police?

[B]

The closest I've been interrogated to the police is the look that you gave me when I said I haven't been arrested.

[A]

Well, look, you know, it's Black History Month. And I think it really is unusual that a black man who grew up in New York City was never.

[B]

Don't jinx it. I know, but let me. Like, can I take, like, can I tell you the story? Did I tell you this story?

[A]

What?

[B]

It was me, Franz Cassius. You know, Franz Cassius and Jo Koy. So I was living in LA at the time. So I've had a bunch of incidents. Like I've had run ins with cops.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank God. Never been arrested. So this was one of them. So me, Jo Koy, he's so new in comedy, he thinks he flies to New York and he's like. He gets a hotel, but it's in Queens. He has no idea. He's nowhere near where the comedy is at, you know, so then. But I'm living in Long island at the time where I. Well, I'm visiting New York. Cause I live in la.

[A]

And so you grew up in Queens though, right?

[B]

Long Island.

[A]

Oh, you grew up in Long Island.

[B]

Yeah. So then now I'm staying in Long island. And then Franz still lives on Long Island. So I said, joe, Franz has a car. Long Island, Queens is on the way.

[A]

Queens is on the way into the city.

[B]

So I will hook you up with a ride home. Yeah, right. So we're walking to the car. As we. As we walk up to Franz's car, he has some classic old school BMW. A van pulls up, the doors fly open and these dudes jump out with their badges around their neck. And we're like, what's going on here? And they're like, where's the thing? Like, what? Where's it? We know you. And then one of the cops is like looking in the payphones and shit. And he's looking around and he's like, we Wanna. Where's your ID? So, like, we'll give him our IDs. And they bring it to this lady in the van. And then they're talking to us like, real rough. They wanna search Franz's car. And Franz, like, you're not searching my car. They don't know, probably. Cause and they're like, if you don't let us search your car, we'll put something on you.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. They said that? And you'll go to jail this weekend. You know, it's like Saturday night. And Franz like, nah, you're not searching my fucking car. And then he looks at the black cop who's with the Italian cops, and he's like, you fucking sell out. You're gonna let him do that shit to us? And blood. You fucking sell out. And, like, he's cursing out the. Like. And I'm down with him thinking them not searching the car, but I'm worried about him cursing them out too much. Cause then it gets emotional for them. And once they lose their emotional composure, the little that they do have, then all bets are off.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You know, then it gets worse. So I'm like. And then it's getting heated, but then the lady in the van gives the guy our IDs back and she's like, it's not them. Like. Cause they wanted to search the car because they said we put something in our car and there was some deal going down. And we're like, how would I be like, how did you even know that? One of the neighbors called and said that. We said. We just walked up to the car. What the. Like, they were looking for somebody that wasn't us. And they thought it was us. And they blew whatever they were. They blew whatever they were gonna do on us. You know what I mean? Like, they was. They. They. Whoever they wanted probably was watching this and was like, oh, these motherfuckers. Somebody set us up and these are going down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then the lady in the van was like, it's not them. And they gave us our IDs back. And Franz just continued, no apologies. No apologies. No, not. No. Like the threat that they gave us, that cop was so confident. We'll put something on you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you'll go to jail.

[A]

Damn. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[B]

So I've been in scenarios like that.

[A]

I've seen hidden camera where, like, you know, guys get pulled over and they. They get the hidden camera and they. And I just saw one the other day with the. You see the back door open? You see a white bag?

[B]

Yeah, I've seen that. That's fucked up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That is so.

[A]

That's so fucked.

[B]

Because your life is over.

[A]

White powder, man. You're going to jail.

[B]

Yeah, man, like a class, whatever drug you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Yep. All right. Where did you lose your virginity?

[B]

I think it was at my crib.

[A]

How old were you?

[B]

Like 18?

[A]

High school.

[B]

Nah, I graduated.

[A]

How old was she? Be honest.

[B]

She was like, the same.

[A]

I don't believe that you hesitate and

[B]

you looked up, because I have a funny thing where I kind of lost my virginity twice.

[A]

Oh, yeah?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What happened the first time?

[B]

So the first time it was my girlfriend. We, you know, like, we graduated from high school the same time, like. But I went to her high school graduation instead of mine, not her high school prom instead of mine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then. One night, one day, she came over. We had sex. But then a few years later, she told me she didn't have. We didn't. We didn't have sex. Like. Like it was in the wrong. Like, maybe I didn't penetrate or something. It's just she's. Because she said she had sex later with somebody else and she bled.

[A]

So you think maybe you were just rubbing up against her and it didn't go inside?

[B]

I feel like we were so young.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That it just felt like it was in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she didn't know either. So then there was another woman that I had sex.

[A]

She didn't know.

[B]

I don't know, bro. She just told me that we didn't have sex.

[A]

Do you have a small penis?

[B]

No.

[A]

How would she not know if a penis was inside of her?

[B]

I don't know, bro. We used to fool around all the time.

[A]

So you don't know if you were inside, but she doesn't know if you were inside.

[B]

The second time, for sure, I felt like I was inside. I had to be honest.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

So I don't know what that was.

[A]

So maybe. Was she fat? Did she have, like, a fold between her thigh and a badge slap?

[B]

She wasn't fat, but she was thick, so it might have been a fold.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could have been a fold.

[B]

Yeah. And then maybe she's so young, she didn't, like, say, it's not in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you know what I mean? You know, there's stuff that women go through and they don't want to say anything like. But we both didn't know what we was doing. So. Yeah.

[A]

First time I went to third base with a girl, I performed third base on her. I reached her third base. So I'm at my buddy's house.

[B]

What is third base? A vagina.

[A]

Yeah, it's fingering her.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I was in high school, and it. And after school, I went to my friend's house, and he was kind of rich and he had this big house. Any. Any. And we were probably. This story's fucked up. We were probably juniors in high school, and he had a sister who was like a sophomore in high school. And so like we had a couple beers and then I slipped off with the sister into the other room and I'm making out with her and like, I went, I went, put my hand down her pants. But like, you know, when you're that age, you don't even like undo the pants.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You just jam.

[B]

You're just happy you got to the.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You just want to get to the thing and touch it and it'd be okay.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not about. It's certainly not about stimulating her or bringing her to an orgasm. Like that's the last thing on your mind. All you're thinking about is touching it. So I put my hand on her pants and they're still buttoned. And I, and I, you know, and we're, we're making out. I got my hand down there and I, I put my finger in. And then I'm walking home. And what do you do then?

[B]

I don't know. I'm gonna let you tell me.

[A]

You smell your finger. Yeah. Yeah. You're in high school, you're gonna smell your finger. So I smell my finger and it smelled like duty.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

And I realized I went right past the vagina into her butthole. And she had never been fingered before, so she probably thought that's what it is. Yeah.

[B]

Like when you've never done anything before, you don't know where.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah. Like I didn't look for where I put my.

[A]

Right. Cause you're estimating.

[B]

Yeah. You're estimate. Like there's no experience.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like I've touched it before.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So this. It was wet there.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

I just felt like it was in.

[A]

So I smell my finger and then I realized like this girl, probably the first time somebody really. Because I went to fourth base. The first time somebody goes to third base on her, she's going to be like, who is this kinky, weird dude putting it in my vagina hole? That's not how you do this. Yeah. All right, let's get to what else you got. You ever win any awards?

[B]

Like what type of. One time I won a comedy contest.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where was that?

[B]

It was in New York.

[A]

Uh huh. What was the name of the contest?

[B]

I'm trying to remember.

[A]

Oh, you're trying to remember Sierra Mist type thing. Yeah.

[B]

And it was like,

[A]

I love that you want a contest of a soda that doesn't exist anymore. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's how long ago it was.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Like a Sierra Mist. And it was funny because you know, it was like mostly like a black comedy contest. And you know, the black comedy circuit, like, there's some really good ass comics on that fucking circuit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I kind of felt I was only doing the white clubs. I'd done a lot of black clubs, but then towards my end of my time in New York, I was only doing the New York City clubs, so I wasn't doing a lot of black clubs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I was trying to make sure that my material would work in both. But it's tough if you not actually doing both.

[A]

I used to go do that uptown comedy club.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

In Harlem. That was a good black club.

[B]

That was a good black club. And there was black comedy spots all over the place.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I was doing the Boston, which is like, you had to be good to kill at the Boston.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So I was doing the Boston.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you're following Chappelle or Davitel or Louis in this little room. Yeah, yeah, but.

[B]

And whatever spot. I would just try to mentally keep my comedy honest. But you don't know unless you do a black club.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I hadn't done a black club in a minute. So the Sierra Missed comedy contest is definitely a black comedy contest, and it's in a black club in Jersey. So then first we had me and Wilson Vincent, a bunch of comics, black comics. We had a show in the city that night, and then we drove to Jersey to do the contest. So we all pull up to the club and there's no parking. They all jump out and run in the club and sign up. So I literally, when I get in the club, I'm the last person on the list.

[A]

And, you know, everyone's going long.

[B]

Everybody's going long. And towards the end of the show, the audience just ain't gonna have the capacity to listen to, you know, But I guess I was like, so finely tuned and determined that night. And I went on last and I won that contest, bro.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Like, legitimately.

[A]

Not like, you got that can of soda.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you open it and pour it over your head?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. They gave me. They had a. It was a national contest, so that was just like the New York.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

So then the. The finals was in Detroit.

[A]

They flew you out?

[B]

Yeah, they flew us out. And then right before I went on, they announced that Tupac died.

[A]

They canceled it.

[B]

Nah, Right before I went on in

[A]

the middle of the show.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. You died too that night.

[B]

Let's just say the vibes wasn't the same.

[A]

Did they have. Did you Come up to a Tupac song. Is that your intro music?

[B]

It's like. Like, the energy. Everybody just finds out in the audience. Like, the host makes the announcement.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, some comics had already gone on. And I'm in the middle of the show, and then I'm like, why? What the. Would you say that shit, fam. He's still gonna be dead after.

[A]

Yeah, right, right.

[B]

Come on, man.

[A]

Damn. Yeah, I did. I was doing a college in the Midwest, and they. Columbine shooting happened, which was, like, the first big school shooting.

[B]

First.

[A]

That was the one where people really got shook. So I'm in my hotel room, I'm watching it on cnn, and I'm like, am I even doing this fucking show? I'm at a college, you know? And so the lady calls me, and I go, do you want to do this? I was like, I don't want to do this. You want.

[B]

And you're in Colorado.

[A]

No, and no, I was in the Midwest. I was like, I don't know. And she goes, let's. Let's just do it. It'll cheer people up that might need this. So I come down, and there's, like, you know, 12 kids in this giant auditorium show up. And she goes up to bring me up, and she goes, before we get going, I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the students that died in Columbine. And everybody's heads go down, people are crying. And now here's Greg Fitzsimmons. And I walk up there, and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? So, yeah, I was. Another death that happened that day.

[B]

I got a story like that.

[A]

Yeah. So did it happen on 9 12?

[B]

Well, what's the casino in Connecticut?

[A]

Well, there's two. There's mo. There's. Yeah, I think Mohawk. No, not Mohawk.

[B]

It sounds like the M. Sound like M. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I've played there 25 times. I can't remember.

[B]

And they had a comedy club in there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's. When you live on the east coast, you travel at night to get there in the morning on the west. On the. On. When you live on the west coast, you travel at night on a red eye to get there in the morning.

[A]

Right.

[B]

For. You know, so sometimes you're disorientated.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they take you to the casino, check in, all that. And I did the Thursday show. So I did the Thursday show, and the numbers were decent. And I was like, if. And the show was good. I said, if the show is good on Thursday, man, this weekend is gonna Be great. This is just Thursday.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I go to sleep and wake up, turn on the tv, and that's the. What's the school? The elementary school.

[A]

Oh, in Connecticut.

[B]

Connecticut.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What was the name of that one? That shooting? Oh, that was a.

[A]

That was a rough one because they were all little kids. Sandy Hook. Yeah.

[B]

And I'm watching this on the news, like, this is sad, but I have no idea that I'm in Connecticut and Sandy Hook is in Connecticut.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It only, like, only two, three hours into watching all the foot. Like, wait a minute, I'm in Connecticut.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, man, damn. When. When I went to those shows, there was hardly anybody there. And it's like, it was like 911 energy. It was like, it was like 911 energy. Like nobody showed up. The most people that came to the show was Thursday night before the shoot.

[A]

Did you do jokes about it?

[B]

Nah, bro, it was just tough.

[A]

It was just like, I did a show on. I think they, they. They didn't do comedy shows for a Good week. After 911 and my first show back, I was like. I was like, yeah, you can't get to the airport now in a private car. You couldn't drive cars to the airport.

[B]

Oh, you. Because you couldn't pull up to the.

[A]

You couldn't pull up. There was no long term parking, and the only way to get to the airport was to take a taxi. And I said, well, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis? And he went, All right, one more and then I'm gonna let you go.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Okay, let's ask you. Who's the one that got away? Who's the woman? You look back and you go, that's the one that got away.

[B]

It's like five of them.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How come you didn't pull the trigger on any of them?

[B]

Well, the last one.

[A]

You never been married, right?

[B]

No, the last one. This was weird. So I'm with Nicole Amy, right? And we go to this coffee shop in our neighborhood, and there was this girl beaming at me, like at the counter, working, and to the point where I was like, this is not real.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's just probably this nice to everybody

[A]

or it's a man.

[B]

I didn't think that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, she.

[B]

She, you know, 100%.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was like. And then I was like, how does she know? And she's. Me and Nicole Amy are friends. And. And Nicole sometimes will be like, call me boo. And I'm like, nicole, don't you see this girl checking me out? Why are you calling me boo?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

In front of this chick. You know what I mean? And I was like, this is. The girl's probably gonna think I'm with Nicole. She served us, and she kept on, like, being attentive and giving me attention, but I was like. I felt like because of Nicole calling me boo a few times. And we're friends, and we've been friends for a long time. Just friends. But I felt anybody could miss steak.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then I go home and then

[A]

had sex with Nicole and called her the other woman's name.

[B]

Didn't even know her name yet, but made up her name.

[A]

No.

[B]

So I go home and I look at my DMs. It's the girl from the coffee shop.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. This girl from the coffee shop. She DM'd me. She's like, hope you enjoyed your thing. And then exchanged number. Then we.

[A]

How'd she know your name to DM you?

[B]

I think so. I feel like we were talking, and I feel like. So there's. I met her a few times, and I didn't know.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

One time I was hiking in Griffith park, and I walked by her and I just smiled at her and said hi, just out of. And she did it back. So she remembered me for that. And then she's at the store one night.

[A]

Oh, so she knew you was a comedy.

[B]

And I saw her in the hallway. Cause I'm. Now I saw her in the hallway, and I said hi to her. Then that's it. So then I come into the coffee shop. So she knew my name, and then she DMed me. And then we went on a few dates. And then.

[A]

Did you make love to her?

[B]

Nah. This is what happened, bro. I was like, it. Like, the connection was crazy. The connection was crazy. I was like, I'm gonna end up marrying this girl. And I just. Like, I'm not talking to this girl.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah. 100%.

[A]

You're that afraid of marriage?

[B]

Of commitment? Yeah.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, this is. I said, this is it. This is it. This is dangerous. This is it.

[A]

Wait, what is that all about?

[B]

I don't know, bro.

[A]

You don't know?

[B]

Well, I do know. Like, I have. Like, I have the instinct that got me into comedy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The intuition that got me into comedy.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I have an intuition that says, stay single. But the same intuition says, that was the one. But the intuition to say to stay single is still valid and strong and makes sense for me.

[A]

So if you weren't A comedian, do you think you'd have that single instinct?

[B]

It's not even an instinct. It's just an intuition. Like, for real. For real. Like, I feel like I'll be. My intuition is like, single, single. But it will say, hey, she was one of the.

[A]

Right. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, it could have worked with this one. You know what I mean?

[A]

Did you ever run into her again after that?

[B]

Yeah, we hung out, but she wasn't into me like that no more.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

[B]

Cause I kind of blew her off.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[B]

You know, like at the peak of it.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What a way to end the podcast.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're out there, what's her name?

[B]

I don't want to say her name. She knows who she is.

[A]

You know who you are. If you're still feeling it. DM them again. Because I feel like now that, you know she was the one, I think things might be different this time.

[B]

I mean, I did tell her before, like, I've told her since. It's not like I didn't try. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

But no, we're friends now.

[A]

It's all good. He who hesitates is lost.

[B]

Yes. There you go.

[A]

As we said, Batavia, Illinois, at the comedy something.

[B]

Comedy Vault is a comedy vault.

[A]

Batavia, April 2nd to the 4th.

[B]

Greg's birthday party.

[A]

My birthday party on the 4th, by the way. If any. I. I should say I have invited some people. If there's some people out there that are offended that I'm having a party and you haven't been invited, please email me or call me. If you're DMing me you're not invited because that means that we're really not that close.

[B]

I'm on Facebook.

[A]

But seriously, I don't want to leave anybody out, so reach out to me because I was pretty sloppy about the guest list. Although I did invite Ian and then he didn't reply, which drives me fucking crazy. You send out your invites and then people just don't reply because you got

[B]

to send out party fools. That's what people are doing now.

[A]

Party what?

[B]

Party fools.

[A]

They know I did paperless posts.

[B]

Nah. Partyfuls.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Partyful is the way you still have time to do Party fools.

[A]

How do you spell it?

[B]

They. They'll tell you. Yeah, you don't have to remember it right now. Yeah, they put you up on game. Everything I go to now is true.

[A]

Party fool, the special which came out about a year ago, Bill Burr produced

[B]

it, is called, well, the last one. I produced it.

[A]

Oh, right. That was last fall.

[B]

Yeah, that was that. So this one is September. Last one came out September. It's on YouTube called Untitled, Untitled. It's still doing its thing.

[A]

Good. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. But Bill produced the one before, right? Yeah.

[A]

And any current podcasts? I know you used to do one.

[B]

Nah, this is the first year. I don't have a podcast.

[A]

Used to do a soccer one. And then you do one with that woman.

[B]

Yeah, because he was making, like, clips and stuff.

[A]

Right? Okay.

[B]

Yeah, not doing anything. I'm just.

[A]

Well, now that you get up at 6am, you can do all this shit.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to readjust. Because I go to bed earlier.

[A]

Yep. You know, good.

[B]

I'm single. I don't have a woman.

[A]

You got soccer in comedy, man.

[B]

Soccer. I'm fine. I love it.

[A]

All right, well, thanks for coming on, man.

[B]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

All right. There's a world where legends race across city skylines. Romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms. And there's magic around the every corner. It's a world known to many as Great Britain. You've seen the action on screen. Now visit the real star of the show. Visit Great Britain. To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com Great Britain.