Jeff Garlin - Episode 1123

Summary

Fitzdog Radio — Episode 1123

Guest: Jeff Garlin
Date: January 14, 2026
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons

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Episode Overview

In this engaging and wide-ranging episode, Greg Fitzsimmons welcomes his longtime friend and comedic powerhouse Jeff Garlin. The conversation veers from reflections on show business and comedy culture to deeply personal stories about growing up, struggles with health, and the realities of showbiz success. Throughout, the pair share laughs, trade self-deprecating stories, and explore what it means to be a comedian in the modern era.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Awards Shows and the State of Podcasting (00:41–04:42)

• Greg riffs on the Golden Globes, noting the declining cultural relevance of awards shows and lampooning the awarding of Best Podcast as emblematic of podcasting’s "lowest form in entertainment":
  • "There's never been a more mailed-in act of entertaining other human beings than the podcast." (Greg, 01:20)
• He critiques how podcasting has been overtaken by corporate interests and big studios.
• The conversation turns to comedy’s place compared to filmmakers "sneaking cameras in North Korea" and the sometimes trivial subjects of big-budget podcasts.

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2. On the Life of a President: Absurd Observations (04:10–04:42)

• Light banter about the daily logistics of being POTUS—does the president even need a wallet or keys? How could they possibly have a surprise party?
  • "If the president walks in a room and 20 people jump up behind pieces of furniture, Secret Service is going to pull out weapons and mow them down." (Greg, 04:42)

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3. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Sinead O'Connor, and Social Commentary (05:53–09:49)

• Greg recounts an emotional encounter at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, describing a Sinead O’Connor performance:
  • "She’s so petite but so fucking powerful. And as I'm watching it, this girl comes over... and I just see this look in her eye like that Taylor Swift shirt did make it back [to Texas]." (Greg, 09:06)
• Reflection on Sinead’s protest against the Catholic Church, linking it to institutional abuse and giving statistics on clergy abuse.
  • "You want to talk about Epstein’s Island? I hate to say it, folks, a lot of you have been on it—it’s called Vatican City." (Greg, 09:49)

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4. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Childhood, and Family Stories (13:28–15:51; 15:51–21:42)

• Jeff discusses his bar mitzvah, reusing his dad's speech, and the awkwardness of taking endless photos.
• Stories of family changes, moving from Chicago to Florida due to financial ups and downs, and growing up "the Garland Boy" in Morton Grove.
• Both reflect on the increasing extravagance and excess of modern bar/bat mitzvahs and kids’ parties.

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5. On Class, Friendship, and Adolescence (20:00–24:28)

• Candid stories about shifting from higher to lower middle class, and how Jeff's friends never judged him for not being wealthy.
• Explanation of how he started comedy at 20 after dropping out of University of Miami.
  • "If I have something to fall back on, I might fall back on it." (Jeff, 24:54)

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6. Dating Age Math, Social Norms, and Personal Anecdotes (16:27–19:44; 26:44–30:16)

• The two joke about the "half your age plus seven" formula for acceptable dating ages, with Greg claiming it's from the ancient Greeks:
  • "The quotient is half your age plus seven years..." (Greg, 16:27)
• Both share stories about dating older partners, high school relationships, and shifting perspectives with age.

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7. Losing Virginity: A Heckler Story (27:41–54:51)

• Jeff tells the memorable story of losing his virginity at age 20 to a woman who heckled him during a comedy set in Miami.
  • "I lost my virginity to a heckler. That's how much a comedian I am." (Jeff, 27:41)
• The tale includes details about the club, South Beach in the ‘80s, and an encounter with a homeless man while in a lifeguard chair.
  • "I'm a Jew, took [my clothes] off and folded them neatly..." (Jeff, 52:51)

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8. Addiction, Health, Weight Loss, Diabetes, and Life on the Road (32:04–35:06)

• Jeff opens up about old patterns with alcohol and food addiction, AA recovery, and his current struggle managing diabetes.
• He discusses using Manjaro for diabetes, not Ozempic, and the difficulty of healthy living on the road.
  • "I bottomed out on food. That's what I bottomed out on. And I didn't drink back then." (Jeff, 35:01)

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9. Comedy Camaraderie, Working with Louie CK, and Stand-Up Culture (38:05–45:14)

• Behind-the-scenes commentary about hanging out with Louie CK, Carol Leifer, and other comedians.
  • Both praise Louie as a genius:
    • "He's the best comedian of our generation." (Jeff, 40:52)
  • Comparison of Louie CK and Richard Pryor—Louie as the greatest current structural comic, Pryor as the most personal.

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10. Green Room Etiquette, Before and After Shows (45:00–48:12)

• Strong opinions on how only comedians should be allowed in green rooms before shows, as that time is "sacred."
  • "Green rooms for the talent on that show." (Greg, 45:14)

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11. Clubs, Awards, and the Reality behind Showbiz (63:55–77:52)

• Jeff details his aversion to clubs and groups, except for the Friars Club, and the unique fraternity among comedians.
  • "I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member." (Jeff, 74:02)
• Conversation about never winning an Emmy for Curb Your Enthusiasm despite the show’s legendary status, and changing perspectives on the value of awards.
• The economics of show business: residuals, real estate, and how streaming has impacted income, with transparency about post-divorce financial realities.
  • "I haven't worked since Curb except once...on Larry David's new show." (Jeff, 76:01–76:02)

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12. Apologies, Personal Growth, and Mental Health (81:00–83:52)

• Jeff’s struggles with undiagnosed bipolar disorder for decades and frequent apologies on set, particularly during The Goldbergs:
  • "When I was undiagnosed bipolar...I found myself every day apologizing to someone for being mean." (Jeff, 81:07)
• The value of making amends, ongoing self-forgiveness, and friends’ acceptance.

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13. Nostalgia for Comedy’s Communal Past (83:52–85:48)

• The decline of post-show diner hangs and disappearing clubs like the Friars, replaced by a more fragmented comedy scene:
  • "We need another Friars Club." (Greg, 84:23)
• Concludes with a sentiment from The Wild Bunch:
  • "It ain’t like it used to be, but it’ll do. That’s how I look at life." (Jeff, 85:48)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On podcasting’s rise:
  "This is what podcasting is. She thanked her production company. That's what's happened now. Corporate America has wrapped their greedy fingers around the grassroots art of podcasting." (Greg Fitzsimmons, 02:20)

• On Sinead O'Connor’s power:
  "She's so petite, but so fucking powerful." (Greg, 08:40)

• On showbiz economics:
  "You take away taxes from what I made, fees of a manager, lawyer, agent, and you get divorced...not a lot left." (Jeff, 75:33)

• On age and swagger:
  "I've got swagger except at home. My girlfriend would love for me to have more swagger, more attracted to me if I had swagger in the house. But I don't. I'm very...vulnerable." (Jeff, 56:06)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• Golden Globes / Podcasting Rant: 00:41–02:20
• Presidents, Wallets, and Keys: 03:30–04:42
• Sinead O’Connor at the Hall of Fame: 05:53–09:49
• Catholic Abuse & Social Critique: 09:49–12:17
• Bar Mitzvah & Childhood Stories: 13:28–22:00
• Dating Age Math Bit: 16:27–19:44
• Losing Virginity to a Heckler: 27:41–54:51
• Health, Addiction, and AA: 32:04–35:06
• Praise for Louie CK / Comedy’s GOAT: 40:42–41:04
• Green Room / Pre-show Rituals: 45:00–48:12
• Awards, Clubs, Industry Economics: 63:55–77:52
• Real Estate Realities: 77:59–80:18
• On Mental Health and Apologies: 81:00–83:52
• Nostalgic Closing & Community: 83:52–85:48

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Episode Conclusion

Jeff Garlin’s appearance is a blend of comedic bravado and vulnerability. The playful banter covers everything from showbiz inside baseball to health confessions and philosophical musings on class, aging, and friendship. Both comedians express a poignant nostalgia for a more communal era in comedy while remaining clear-eyed about the challenges and rewards of their chosen life.

Jeff plugs his Netflix special "Jeff Garlin, Our Man in Chicago" and his forthcoming book, Best Seat in the House (Rizzoli Books, due September 15).

"It ain't like it used to be, but it'll do. I'm grateful to be here, grateful to be on your show, grateful for these young people." — Jeff Garlin (85:48)

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For New Listeners

This episode is a master class in honest, funny conversation between two veterans who love their craft, aren’t afraid to poke fun at themselves, and can switch from hilarity to heartache in an instant. Whether you’re a comedy fan or curious about the inner workings of showbiz, Garlin and Fitzsimmons offer both wisdom and genuine laughs in equal measure.

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Experian Foreign.

[Jeff Garland]

Hi, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's been a fun week. Golden Globes were last night. Shout out to Mike Gibbons, who did a great job. Nikki Glaser had amazing material. He was the head writer and Dickie Egan did a great job writing on it. And people seem to like it. They didn't like the two gay guys gossiping about the winners on their way to the stage. Nobody watches Golden Globes. I mean, whatever. People don't want to see award shows anymore. Nobody's seen any of the movies. We've seen some of the TV shows. None of the movies. And then they gave out an award for best podcast. Are you kidding me? Is this the. This is the lowest form in the. In entertainment, there's. There's never been a more mailed in act of entertaining other human beings than the podcast. You got filmmakers in North Korea, you know, sneaking cameras in their assholes to shoot the fucking abuses. And then editors working for no money for two years in their basements to put it out. And then you got Amy Poehler asking who the hell was it?

[Jeff Garland]

She was asking some actress what time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She eats dinner is like, oh, yeah, they should probably get the same trophy.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gwyneth Paltrow. Hey, Gwyneth, what time do you eat?

[Jeff Garland]

5:45.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really? I eat at 6:15. And the winner is. The golden statue goes to. They hear.

[Jeff Garland]

And then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then Amy thanked her production. Production company. I'm sitting in a guest room in my house on a zoom. This is what podcasting is. She thanked her production company. That's what's happened now. Corporate America has wrapped their greedy fingers around the grassroots art of podcasting. And now it's these big studios and fucking, you know, Jason Bateman, all these guys, you know, making hundred million dollar deals and agencies commissioning it. It's gross. Amy said, I want to thank my. My studio for their belief in my vision. Your vision. What time does Gwyneth eat dinner? What was the vision behind? And look, I love Amy. Don't get me wrong. I think she's supremely talented, and I knew her many years ago. I haven't seen her in a while, but I mean. And I'm not shitting on her. I'm shitting out fucking awards. Anyway, I was thinking about this today. Do presidents. Nobody ever talks about the day in day at life of a president. Does the President of the United States carry a wallet? Do you just put your wallet in a drawer for four years? Keys? I mean, what would you possibly need cash for as the president? It's filled with paper that's got pictures of other guys that did your job and many of whom were murdered while working the job you're working now. I mean, you just. It's never like, hey, I got lunch now. I got lunch.

[Jeff Garland]

Lunch is on me, guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or, you know, where. Where the are my keys?

[Jeff Garland]

Where did I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where the hell are my keys? How am I going to get in the White House? And there's never a surprise for four years, everything. There's never like a knock at the door and you're like, oh, who's at the door? Who's at the door, honey?

[Jeff Garland]

There's no surprises.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know who's at the door? You will always know.

[Jeff Garland]

Secret.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's never a surprise party. You're not going to have a surprise party. If the president walks in a room and 20 people jump up behind pieces of furniture, Secret Service is going to pull out weapons and mow them down. Big party will be killed. They will. It will be the saddest birthday party of all time. I was just in Cleveland for the weekend. Thanks for the crowds, for showing out. We got a. I hit a lot of bonuses, which is nice when I. When I sell out shows, they give me extra money, and I brought some of that home. So thank you guys for showing up. And I went to the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, which is, you know, there's a lot of cities I go to and I don't really leave the hotel, especially in January in the Midwest. There's not a lot of reason for me to venture out. But every. I work Cleveland every year for 25 years, and I always go to the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, and there's always stuff I haven't seen. And right now they've got an exhibit of snl. All the musical acts that have performed on snl. It's literally there video screens where you put on headphones. There's a few headphones for each screen, and then you can tap the screen and choose literally any musical performance in 50 years of SNL and so I stood there for two and a half hours, my feet in the same spot, standing in front of the screen, just punching. Performances that I remembered that I loved. But the first one I watched was Sinead O'. Connor. Not the one in 92 where she ripped up the picture of the Pope. This was in 1990. She did a song called this Is the Last Day of Our Acquaintance. And I pulled it up. And she comes on the screen, and it is just her with an acoustic guitar with her head shaved, and she is staring down the barrel of the camera. It's just her with an acoustic guitar staring at this camera that just, as the song progresses, just pulls in tighter and tighter. And it's just the toughness of her with a shaved head mixed with just the delicate femininity of her beautiful face and these dark, intense eyes. And she's just singing this song about breaking up. It's a. It's. It's about emotional loss, and it just keeps building. It's so. And it builds. And then about a minute from the end of the show, it's just her strumming guitar. The band where it's just the. The song can't stand the intensity anymore. And the band just crashes in the drums. And she's strumming, and then she goes into this punk rock, Irish jig, jumping up and down on the stage. And she's so petite, but so fucking powerful. And as I'm watching it, this girl comes over. She's about maybe 14 years old, little overweight, and she's got on a. A Taylor Swift shirt. And she puts on the headphone. I'm the only one watching it. And she walks over and she sees it and it's. You know, it's pretty. It draws you in. It's. It stops you. And she puts on the headphones to watch and she starts listening. And this is before the band kicks in. And she's just gearing up and she's watching, and I can see her watching.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then. And then the music kicks in and I just look over and her fucking jaw is hanging down. And the mother comes over and the mother taps her on the shoulder and tugs at her arm to go to the next exhibit. That girl did not even move her head. She was locked in. And by the end of the song, I mean, I got tears in my eyes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The girl puts the headphones back, and I just see this look in her eye like that Taylor Swift shirt did make it back to whatever shit town she's from down in Texas.

[Jeff Garland]

That thing's in the bottom of the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Closet because she gets it. That little girl gets it. Now she's moved on from Taylor and maybe, maybe her adolescence. Entirely unbelievable performance. Watch it on the Internet if you can. What a fucking goddess. What a powerful political, poetic.

[Jeff Garland]

I mean, I can't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then two years later she rips up the picture of the Pope and gets canceled. Her whole career fucking ends because she who was abused in Ireland, a country where sexual abuse by the Catholic Church was rampant as it was around the world. And she picked. She ripped a picture of a pope who was complicit in moving pedophiles from church to church to church to church as they continued to perpetrate these crimes. And she had the audacity. Everybody's so up in arms about Epstein's island and the list. You want to talk about Epstein's Island? I hate to say it folks, a lot of you have been on it. It's called Vatican City. And for generations and centuries I looked it up. Between 1950 and 2000, 4,392 US clergy members had sexual abuse allegations against children. Of those 4,300, only a thousand were reported to the police by the church. Of the thousand that were reported, 252 were criminally convicted. So I don't know. You want to find a list? You want to find a list with Prince Andrew on it? You're not gonna. That list is gone. The billionaires will flush it, it won't see the light of day and it's fucking drops in the bucket compared to what? Whatever. You guys don't need to hear this, but let's just, let's look at where the, where the problem really is. And I know I got shit. Last week I talked about Christianity and, and I don't know, some people gave me a hard time, but it's out there. All right, listen, my guest this week. What am I doing coming to Cleveland? Oh, Jesus. I got an ad to read also. And we got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of blue chew gold with code fitz dog. That's F I T Z D O G. That's promo code Fitz Dog. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring this podcast and bringing so much joy into all of our lives and our women's lives and our guys lives. If you're gay, everybody's life is better. So get into it.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also, I'm coming to your town, Atlanta punchline. January 15 through 17 Austin, the mothership. January 30 through February 1. Then I'm coming to Sacramento, Philly, Lexington, Houston, Fort Worth. It's [e-mail]. my guest today, good buddy of mine I've known for many years, who is really one of the great comic minds. He helped create Curb youb Enthusiasm and has starred in it all of these years. He was the star of the Goldbergs. He. He was one of the stars of Mad About You, Arrested Development, Toy Story, all the Toy Story movies. Daddy Daycare. Wasn't that him? Wasn't he Daddy Daycare, too? He's got so many credits, I didn't even look him up. That's just off the top of my head.

[Jeff Garland]

You're going to love them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Please enjoy. Jeff Garland.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I went to a camp called, I Swear in Chicago. Tween Trails. No, Florida. Tween Trails. No. Chicago. I don't remember.

[Jeff Garland]

What do you mean? When you were a kid?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, we lived in Chicago and South Florida. No, it was Chicago. Tween Trails.

[Jeff Garland]

Tween Trails.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

That sounds like a strip club.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, everyone was. There was like, you know, 30, 13, 12, 13, 14.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I actually enjoyed my time between.

[Jeff Garland]

Was it all Jewish?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I don't remember that. You know, even as a kid, I didn't really pay attention to that.

[Jeff Garland]

Were you bar mitzvahed?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I was bar mitzvahed.

[Jeff Garland]

What was that like?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

The fond memories I have of my bar mitzvah, no kidding around, are being with my extended family.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, the.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

That was really nice to spend time with a lot of relatives in Canada. I'm doing the map Canada and Chicago and a lot from Toronto. Anyhow, it was really cool, when I look back, to spend time with them in terms of. I hated doing the Hebrew. Yeah. The Haftorah, all that shit. And then my bar mitzvah speech, which I just reused my dad's bar mitzvah speech.

[Jeff Garland]

You did it in English or in Hebrew?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, the bar mitzvah speech you do in English.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, I see.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Although I imagine some people do it, you know.

[Jeff Garland]

Wait, so how did you know what your father's bar mitzvah speech is?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, he had it. My dad. My dad was remarkable in that he, like, he knew the movie Bullet by Heart. Really, for me, as entertainment, I go, go ahead. He would say the lines either right before. By. By a second, or he would say them at the same time. And I was like, how do you do that? So he memorized his bar mitzvah speech and still had it in his head. And then. But I. I was so nervous. Like me, you know, and I was a gregarious kid.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And I was nervous as can be. And then the bar mitzvah party itself, I had a lot of friends there, but I was constantly having my picture taken. Constantly. Yeah, Jeff. And so all I remember from the bar mitzvah is taking pictures. Yeah. So there. There's your. Oh, and then it was kind of cool to get money, but we weren't rich, so the money that I got had to pay for the bar mitzvah.

[Jeff Garland]

You know, my. My friend Tom, who's a character, he's a pretty famous writer, he wrote a book about the Manson murders called Chaos. And Tom is probably 64, and he crashed about mitzvah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I'm 63 and my girlfriend is 44. Because they don't know how old I am. When I said the whole thing of the age.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Nobody knows. I could be with a. I could be 51 with a 18 year old or whatever. No, I'm 63. She's.

[Jeff Garland]

Well, you know, the quotient is half your age plus seven years, so you're 64. So that means 63. 63. So 39 should be the youngest woman you're with. And she's how old?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

44.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah. You're good.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. That someone somewhere made up that math?

[Jeff Garland]

No, no, check it, check it. Give me a year. Give me an age. Any age.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Right. 80. 80.

[Jeff Garland]

47 years old should be the youngest you date. How about. How about 20 years old? Youngest you should date is 17.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, because there's a math thing. Where does that come from?

[Jeff Garland]

What equates half the age plus seven years? It was Escalus. The ancient Greeks came up with that then.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I believe it.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, because. But also remember, hold on your horses. What the life expects, expectance, expectancy was back then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So, yeah, here's what I know.

[Jeff Garland]

I think your life expectancy is a lot shorter when you're dating a woman who's less than half your age because you got a father coming after you or vice versa.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Someone your age who can beat the crap.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah. Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. No, no, no, it's. It's good.

[Jeff Garland]

But wait, getting back to Tom o'. Neill.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

So he does these fun. On Sundays, he just starts drinking around noon, and he has a big thermos and he fills it with booze, and then he'll walk down to, like, the Venice Boardwalk and he'll just like, interact with homeless people or tourists or gang members, and he just, like. He's just like A wild man.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And so alcohol will do that for you. Well, take the calmest man and man. Yeah, yeah, I'm sober, so keep going.

[Jeff Garland]

So he goes to this Bat Mitzvah. He just walks in, him and two friends, they walk into a bat Mitzvah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, this is awesome.

[Jeff Garland]

In Beverly Hills at a fancy hotel. And he's videotaping all these. Because you know, the bat mitzvahs today, it's like they got a hype, they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got a hype group.

[Jeff Garland]

They have like five people that are.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Going, yeah, come on, Jeremy, how that I've been to.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh my God. So he's videotaping all of this and then the interaction where. And he's stuffing prime rib in his jacket pockets and then he's getting thrown out. He's videotaping. He's insane. That's just like a typical Sunday for him.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But. But you say typical Sunday for him, that's a typical Sunday for his alcohol. Cause there's a great chance he won't remember. You know what I mean?

[Jeff Garland]

It's just like, wait, tell me about the bat Mitzvah you went to.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, there's numerous ones and there were ones where it was my kids friends.

[Jeff Garland]

What's the most high end bar mitzvah or bat mitvah you ever went to where you're just like, wow, they really, they really went for it.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, I get requests to make videos by people for their presentation. So they get famous people to be.

[Jeff Garland]

And they pay you to do that?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, you know somebody, it's a favor. It's either a favor. No matter what, it's a favor for them, but it might be a friend of theirs. And yeah, I just do them. But no, they're all excess. I don't have any good rich bar mitzvah stories. Bat mitzvah stories. I just do know, look, when I was a kid. I love those phrases. When I was a kid, there were no gift bags even at a normal party. Yeah. To me, birthdays mattered when I was like elementary school, you know. And you know, that was like. Because you got ice cream, you got all this stuff. Yeah. There were party hats. Woo. You know, and then as it goes on and the gift bag, I mean, I've been to some elaborate birthday parties, let alone bar and bat mitzvahs.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It's just, it's excess. It's nauseating. You know, as a kid who. I was a. I was middle class, which kind of doesn't exist. I was firmly in the middle class.

[Jeff Garland]

Chicago.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

In Chicago, Yes.

[Jeff Garland]

What town?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I was Born in the city and I grew up in a suburb. Morton Grove. Morton Grove by Evanston. It's up.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It's west of Evanston. Okay, well, Skokie, Morton Grove. Like around there, Around Old Orchard. That's a shopping center up there. Yeah, that's been there since I was a kid. My mom here give you access. So when I was younger, we had more money than when I was junior high, high school.

[Jeff Garland]

Really?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. And so my mom used to shop for my clothes, and a lot of them did Saks Fifth Avenue. And then she woke up one day and said, fuck this. And it was all Sears tuft skins from then on because I was. I was athletic and I was a wild kid. All of it put together. I was known as the Garland Boy with birthday parties.

[Jeff Garland]

The Garland Boy.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

If they went to the zoo or something. Got to keep an eye out for the Garland Boy.

[Jeff Garland]

I remember maybe that's the name of the next special.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

There was Garland Boy, the Garland Boy. By the way, I love stuff like that, but it's a. You know, there's so many specials that you don't. First off, you don't want to look. A lot of people, I see their special title has nothing to do with what the title is. You know, it's not like, you know.

[Jeff Garland]

What the best was. Ari Shafir is one about being Jewish.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

What was it?

[Jeff Garland]

It's called Jewish that's fun. And the entire stage was just candles.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Did he talk about being Jewish at all?

[Jeff Garland]

No, it was an exploration of his Jewishness child all the way through adulthood.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Like, there you go. Yeah, there's a guy on the money.

[Jeff Garland]

Yep.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

There's a guy who pisses people off.

[Jeff Garland]

That's right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. I love Ari.

[Jeff Garland]

He's the best.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Funny dude.

[Jeff Garland]

He's a funny, original dude.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, so.

[Jeff Garland]

So you grew up. So were you aware at a certain point that you guys didn't have as much money as you had when you were younger, or do you just don't notice that as a kid?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, it happened. My grandfather sold the family business in Chicago.

[Jeff Garland]

Garments. What's that garment?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, it was a public plumbing supply that went on to be a multimillion dollar business. He sold it. Not telling my dad, who was like the president of the company, not telling my uncle, who worked there. And he sold it for not a great price. That was classic. My grandfather. And so we as a family were like, my dad said, fuck winter. We moved to south Florida by Fort Lauderdale Plantation, Florida.

[Jeff Garland]

How old were you?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I was 12 when we moved. It was Heartbreaking, really. It was heartbreaking to leave my friends and I. I have a clear vision of us pulling out of the driveway to drive to Florida. And it was snowing, and it was beautiful when it snows. And looking at my house in the rear view mirror as we pulled away.

[Jeff Garland]

Rosebud.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, Rosebud. Yeah. I had a nickname for my house, Jojo.

[Jeff Garland]

Wait, so. But you're so identified with Chicago, so that's.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, I'm a Chicago. But what happened was, so we go to Florida, my dad goes into real estate instead of the family business, and then he becomes a legal administrator. Point being is, we had ups and downs, and they were within the middle class, but they were top of the middle class, bottom of the middle class. It was this. And most of my friends where I live were wealthy in Florida. In Florida, they were wealthy. Like their parents drove Jaguars. My dad drove a Mazda Miser.

[Jeff Garland]

A Mazda Miser was a gasoline.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Because the gas shortages. Yeah. And with a stick shift. So I learned stick shift very early on, which my friends didn't know. But my friends never, you know, judge me. Yeah. I had great friends who I'm still friends with. No one judged me.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I mean, I felt awkward, but the fact that no one judged me and I was comfortable.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Was. Was really nice. So I'm identified with Chicago, if you will, which I am. And I'm a Chicago guy. I only lived in Florida for 10 years. 12 to 22. Only. 10 years is a good chunk. But at 20, see, I started comedy at 20. I was 20 years old. 22 years old. I moved back to Chicago.

[Jeff Garland]

So you didn't do college?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I went to University of Miami. I dropped out to become a comedian.

[Jeff Garland]

How'd that work out for you?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

My dad. Well, to be honest with. That's very funny, but my dad, you know, especially later on. I don't know if it's true now, but when I became a comedian, it wasn't that it was unheard of, but Jews became professionals, business, you know, doctors, lawyers. And my dad wanted me to have something to fall back on.

[Jeff Garland]

Sure.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And I kept arguing. I go, dad, if I have something to fall back on, I might fall back on it.

[Jeff Garland]

Exactly.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And I've always been the funniest kid in school from, like, nursery school on. And I'm not making that up always, but.

[Jeff Garland]

So you were the funniest kid. And you were also a good athlete, so you must have been a very. Obviously, you were a popular kid. Popular, not hard on the eyes. Come on, look at you.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

If you like Adorable. I am not hard on the eyes. I'm handsome. At least I'm not a handsome woman when they use that phrase.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, that's a tough one.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, it's. It's. You know what it is? It's an unattractive woman who is groomed beautifully.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And has great sense of style.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah. So like a royal.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes. Yes. And so that's what a handsome woman is.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes. They have a long jaw, they have bangs, and they ride horses.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I don't know about the bangs, but they ride horses in a proper outfit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Boots matching. No, I'm just saying it's like, it's a well groomed, put together, tasteful. Whatever they're wearing is perfect and they're just not attractive.

[Jeff Garland]

Burberry. Handsome women wear Burberry.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I don't know this.

[Jeff Garland]

It's like a twee. It's like a British tweed.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, I know what Burberry is. Where do you get your information? 10 years younger than you plus 3 equals 4.

[Jeff Garland]

7.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know? Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

Half your age plus 7.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

7.

[Jeff Garland]

Pick an age 53rd that. 32 would be the youngest. You should.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But I would never think of someone 50, 32 as being too old for the 30.

[Jeff Garland]

No, 31 would be too young.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I know, but nonetheless, we've already. I've already thrown shade on that from the standpoint of how long Greeks lived. Done.

[Jeff Garland]

You know, it's weird is my wife and I are both 59 years old and I have not had sex with another woman for 28 years. And so I realized, like, I currently have sex with a 59 year old.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I used to do a joke about that.

[Jeff Garland]

But the next youngest woman, the next oldest woman I had sex with after that was, you know, 29.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, wait a minute. So you were married once before?

[Jeff Garland]

No, I've been with my wife for.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

28 years after that. Oh, you mean before that.

[Jeff Garland]

Prior to that?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, you said after that and I was like, wait, you're happily married?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

We need a flowchart. Can we get a dry erase board, appear for the podcast?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. 29. But how would you. How old were you when she was 29?

[Jeff Garland]

Actually, I'm off. When I was 19, I was dating a 40 year old. So the 40 year old is the second youngest.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I lost my virginity because it was a journey. I lost my virginity to a heckler. That's how much a comedian I am. I lost. I was. I was 20 years old. Yeah. 20 years old.

[Jeff Garland]

Still a virgin of 20.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. You know, I just was. You know, I had girlfriends, but I was mostly the best friend of the prettiest girl in school.

[Jeff Garland]

Did you get hand jobs in high school?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Not really.

[Jeff Garland]

No.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, it was not. I didn't have a serious girlfriend at any point. And like I said, I was the best friend of the girl who was in love with somebody.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you were huggable.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And I was huggable. And I was supportive and I was warm. And so I. But now we know as adults that supportive and warm is a positive att in terms of marrying someone like that. But when you're younger, it's like. And then, you know, guys would go, how? And this happened numerous times. I'll say. I'd say at least a half a dozen times. I was that guy. And only once did I become the boyfriend of that guy, which lasted two months.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Prior to my marriage. No. No messing around. My longest relationship was two months. No, I'm gonna say three words. I'm a lot. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, my ex wife and my ex wife was. I don't want to give that up because same age.

[Jeff Garland]

All right, 16 year old. Half the age is eight, plus seven years is 15. 16 year old. Shouldn't date anybody younger than 15. It works no matter what the age.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

By the way, when you're in high school, people think it's a reach for a senior to date a freshman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, crazy.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, but it's. But it's not. It's. I knew a lot of 17 year olds who dated 15 year olds or whatever it was.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, but 18 and 14 is different.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, no, there's no eight.

[Jeff Garland]

That's senior. And freshman is 18 and 14.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, it's not. And 14 is eighth grade. You might go, it's 15. Yeah, it's 17 and 15. Really? Yeah, but it be. It started with 17 and 14.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Point being is I'm not justifying to be a teenage. Because according we're going to run a.

[Jeff Garland]

Chiron underneath this in the podcast. Jeff, not claiming to be a pedophile.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, I didn't claim I was supposed to. I didn't say me.

[Jeff Garland]

No, no, you were 20 years old.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Happy to be.

[Jeff Garland]

Wait, wait, let's get back to this heckler. So you're 20 years old, you're on stage in Chicago.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Okay, this is the craziest story. I'm on stage and people say that. But for a comedian losing his virginity, and that's how much of comedian I am. I lost my virginity to a heckler.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Because I thought of it when you said that you dated a 40 year old.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I'm 20 and I'm performing on south beach in Miami. And south beach back then was one hotel, the Carlisle. There was another one, the Cardoza, but the Carlisle was open. And where the comedy club. This beautiful club, maybe the comedy stuff, I don't remember the name of it, but it was on the first floor. And it was approved of a condemned building, a condemned hotel. Now I go in there, it's a luxury hotel, you know, and where the comedy club is is like a bar. And, you know, it's. It doesn't. You don't recognize it, you know, and it was great fun back then. Great fun, great fun, great fun. And comedy was full of potential and excitement.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I go up, I'm emceeing, and I'm having a tough time. And some woman is just relentless with me, you know, And I see her and I go, why is she doing this to me? You know, Very attractive. But I didn't notice that on stage.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Like she was just a blur of shit.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And she was mean. So afterwards, show's over, I go over to the Carlisle. I used to hang out there after shows, even though I didn't drink lots of ginger ales.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I drank a lot in high school. I did. I was. I was. I got high a lot. Drank a lot in high school in a messy way. And then once I passed auditions at the comic strip in Fort Lauderdale a week after my 20th birthday, I didn't drink for like 30 years. And then I drank to get drunk. And then I smoke weed to not feel anything. Yeah. But I bottomed out on food. Yeah. It was doing aa, which. Which is what I do. I put away the alcohol and the weed. Not difficult. Right. You know what's difficult is the gray area of eating.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I've got a line, but it's a wide line.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know, and so I've stepped on the line. I've never crossed the line.

[Jeff Garland]

We should step on the scale more than the line.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, by the way, that's not how it works.

[Jeff Garland]

No.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And also, I love my weight on the scale. I'm. I'm less than my goal weight.

[Jeff Garland]

Are you on a zempic?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Because. No.

[Jeff Garland]

Because you lost. You lost a good amount of weight.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I lost it. I take. What's it called? Manjaro. Okay. I take Manjaro. The lowest amount, which I think is 2.5. I know we got off.

[Jeff Garland]

I was telling them we're get back to the virginity story because you're a Smart guy. I've got bookmarks. I've got a bunch of them in.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

My head right now, so 2.5. Okay. Yeah. But I started taking it after I lost most of my weight. I was permanently stuck in the mid-240s.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And so I'm, like, about 10, 15 pounds lighter. Yeah. I initially was taking five, and it's for my diabetes, nothing else. And I lost so much weight that I stopped taking it to put on a lot of weight. Like, I went back.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And because you lose a lot of hair. Even though I have my hair, you know, there's areas here where I lost from losing weight that fast. It's not good to lose weight that fast.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I've done it. What the Manjaro helps me with right now is to maintain my weight. There's no loss.

[Jeff Garland]

And then as far as your numbers.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

My numbers go way down from my blood sugar, which is why it works, Right? Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

Because being on the road, it's so hard to eat.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Right. I became ill. All the things diabetes, all the health problems I've had have come from me doing the road. Yeah. It's like a rock star with. With alcohol or a rock star with cocaine. Same thing. I remember I was on the road with Jack Gallagher.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And I'm on the road with Jack Gallagher, and it was in Dallas. I remember this clearly. And we used to stop at, like, a little mark to get snacks. My snacks were. And I ate all of it. A box of Fruity Pebbles, a box of Pudding Pops, and a box of Ho Hos. And I would down all of it with milk. No. I was an addict.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I was, according to food, a hard partier.

[Jeff Garland]

Damn.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And that's what I bottomed out on. And I didn't drink back then. And I did smoke.

[Jeff Garland]

You and I, we hung out in Denver together a couple of months ago.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes, we did.

[Jeff Garland]

We were at two different comedy clubs.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I'm sorry for laughing. Go back to the Virgin in a minute.

[Jeff Garland]

And. And we went out.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, Same club, different locations.

[Jeff Garland]

Right. Same club, different locations. And you were nice enough to come downtown. No, you were downtown. Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But I flew in, and I went right over to see you.

[Jeff Garland]

And so I suggested. I think you said you want to go to a diner? And I was like, oh, I got a diner for you. There's a place called. I think it's the 337 restaurant. Great, great diner.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No argument there. And by the way, the only thing I love more than a great diner. Deli.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And then the list Ends.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Anything. I like Japanese, like sushi, love Italian, what have you. Um, yet my list is diners after delis.

[Jeff Garland]

Well, maybe you should start one of those shows that everybody has where you go visit diners and delis on the road. Anyway. But I was going to say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you ordered.

[Jeff Garland]

You ordered two entrees at that lunch.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

What I order.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was.

[Jeff Garland]

It was like a late breakfast, early lunch. And I remember you had you.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You something with eggs.

[Jeff Garland]

You had something with eggs. And then I think you got like. I think you got like a sandwich as well.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I got a bagel. Probably got a loxom bagel.

[Jeff Garland]

Maybe that's what it was.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Or what it was was. First off, I don't consider lox and bagel with a plate of eggs to be two entrees. Yeah. Even though it is two entrees. Yeah. So I don't do that anymore. Right. But I don't know if you paid attention. I guarantee there was food left.

[Jeff Garland]

You didn't eat at all. No, you didn't.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I eat until I'm.

[Jeff Garland]

I think you took the leftovers. You gave it to a guy out.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Front on the way. Yeah, the bleeding guy.

[Jeff Garland]

Who's the bleeding guy?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

The guy on the ground who was bleeding. His head was bleeding. There was a woman taking care of him, but she looked like she was off her rocker. Strung out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And you just thought, I don't want to touch his blood.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know, I said, do you want me to call an ambulance? You know, it wasn't like we were cold. Yeah, we talked to them, but yeah, I would do it if his life was in danger, which maybe it was, I don't know. But no, we.

[Jeff Garland]

I think we did a. I think we were very caring and loving and we saw that it was in control.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes.

[Jeff Garland]

And we moved on.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

In control by a strung out lady who said she already called the ambulance.

[Jeff Garland]

She did, yes. So wait.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

All right, so, like having. Having a strung out. Having a strung out. Oh, it's my eye. Doctor won't be answering.

[Jeff Garland]

I can't believe you could read that.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

In all sincerity, I'm one of those people who doesn't need reading glasses. Yeah. My eyes. I mean, look at all these little numbers on my camera.

[Jeff Garland]

It's a beautiful camera.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Q3 monochrome.

[Jeff Garland]

Beautiful.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And it only takes black and white pictures.

[Jeff Garland]

Really.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

There's no color filter on it, you know?

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah. Louie used to collect those Leicas.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, Louie. Yeah, Louie and I. I saw Louie on Saturday.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, you did? Form. How was the Show.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Fantastic.

[Jeff Garland]

Did you see Carol Leifer there?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No. Did she go?

[Jeff Garland]

Yes, she went.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, I did not see her. I would have thought if she went, she'd be backstage saying hello.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And she wasn't. So I'm guessing she went on Friday. Saturday.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So anyhow, and it was great.

[Jeff Garland]

Was there a lot of people backstage?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, it was actually a Japanese couple that I didn't know who they were.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And it was Sari, my person of interest, and me. And it was. The other ones were Flea, who I'm actually friends with. Really? Flea. What's the director? He directed her. He wrote and directed her. Brilliant guy. He also did Jackass. He does a lot of music videos over the years. Spike Jones.

[Jeff Garland]

Spike Jones.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Spike Jones was lovely. And another gentleman who I didn't recognize, but who was lovely, that was backstage.

[Jeff Garland]

Now I feel bad because Carol Leifer emailed me and she said, I'm going to Louie's show. And I just talked to Louie on the phone for two and a half hours the day before. And like, she goes, can you see about me going backstage? And I just said.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I said.

[Jeff Garland]

Or me saying hi before. After the show. I said, I can just tell you categorically, Louis doesn't say hello before. After the show. He comes in and he leaves. I'm actually shocked. I'm shocked to hear. There was people back say. Because then. Now I feel bad.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Hold on. He's one of my best friends. Yeah, okay. He was only back there for 10 minutes.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And then he said, I gotta go.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

He had a conversation with Flea, a conversation with Flea. And I. And my girlfriend was my person of interest, was talking to Spike. And the other fellow was just lonely. No, I'm kidding. But he was included in everything. But, yeah, it was very brief.

[Jeff Garland]

So I said. So I said. Then she goes, will you. Will you let him know I'm going to be there? I said, absolutely. So I texted Louis, I said, carol Leaf is going to be at your show tomorrow night.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Great.

[Jeff Garland]

Just didn't reply. And I was like, yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't. He's not social. I go on the road with him sometimes. He never meets with people after the show.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But also he's peculiar in this way. So I'm with him backstage. He's got a couple more days in town. I go, you know, I texted him, would you want to get together? You know, I wouldn't leave him alone. Yeah, for sure. And then we had specific plans the next morning.

[Jeff Garland]

And I. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Which I'm going to give him shit when I talk to him, but, you know. Yeah, it's tough being successful.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, it. Well, I think, look, Louis is the reason why. Louis is the best comedian in the last 20 years. And you can argue.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You agree with me.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay, good.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

He's the best comedian of our generation.

[Jeff Garland]

He is.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes. And by the way, that doesn't take away from Chappelle's genius or anyone. No, no, it's not.

[Jeff Garland]

No.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But he is by far the most original voice.

[Jeff Garland]

Original voice. And so hardest working writer and just IQ points on the way he structures his jokes. Like every other comic who's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Even Prior. I love Prior.

[Jeff Garland]

I listen to Prior all the time. But you're not getting the variants that Louis gives you.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

There's a difference between Prior that's true. And Louis, and I'll tell you what it is. Prior to me is what they call the goat. Yeah. That stupid shit. Only Ali is the goat. Yeah, well, you know, go, I'm the goat accountant.

[Jeff Garland]

Like Gretzky is the goat.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. Yes, yes. You know, he is. He's the best player ever. But I like that. Ever. What Richard Pryor and Louis, what separates them? When you're done watching Prior, you leave the building with Prior in you.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

He gives of himself. Louis doesn't reveal very much. He does reveal some stuff, but in general, he's more about the joke and the concepts are brilliant. Like, how did he think of that? You know? But like, he said this thing that I thought was so funny, I guess the audience was scared to laugh. He goes, you know, where Israel should invade? He goes, germany. Because if that happened, you go, oh, all right, I can see that. Isn't that great? But he comes up with those premises.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. Prior was all personal.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Prior was people he knew. Prior was his weaknesses.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So you left with.

[Jeff Garland]

And all the characters that he did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Including the animal act outs, were all vulnerable.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

That's his best bit. The monkey and the dog. Yeah, Monkey and the dog. To me, that's the greatest single stand up bit of all time.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, it is.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know, I'm going to be chasing you tomorrow, you know. Yeah. He is the best by far. No offense to my friend Louie.

[Jeff Garland]

The reason I say that is. But Louis being the best last 20 year, he can't fuck around before a show. He's focused.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes.

[Jeff Garland]

And after the show, he's also kind of focused. He's in the, like, it's almost like if somebody, my friends go, hey, you, I'll be in Atlanta. Hey, you want to grab dinner before the show. I go, great. And then how about I. How about I drive to work with you on Monday morning and come into your office and kind of hang around your office while you're trying to roll.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

A call the stool out of your hands?

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

That's a replay of a hack joke. I do agree with you. And that is the premise, you know, for me, I don't see anybody before a show, never. But I could be eating pizza. And they go, you're on. And I go, okay, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm loose. And the greatest example of that, and I think Louis Baxter stage is loose. That's my theory. He's focused, but he's got it down, so he's loose. His intro that he does off the mic, he does a voice. And he said, our upcoming schedule includes Taylor Swift, which is funny for the Kodak Theater or the Dolby Theater. Taylor Swift. She'll be here. Oh, wait a minute. She just died. And she will not be. And he's off the mic, and then he says who he is, and he gives a warm intro. Intro to whoever's opening for him, the warmest from him, which is the only one person who's done that for me, by the way. Jimmy Fallon.

[Jeff Garland]

Nice.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Jimmy Fallon. I'm backstage of the Tonight Show. I'm gonna do stand up, and I'm gonna do stand up. And I say, where's Jimmy? What's the delay? He goes, oh, he's out in front telling the audience how great you are and how hard stand up is. And I went, wow. Yeah. I am touched.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And so I have a warm spot. You know, I don't much dig him that much, but I have such a warm spot for him. Yeah. I would do anything that dude asked me. Yeah. You know.

[Jeff Garland]

No, I think Louis thing is, like, backstage, he's loose and he's funny and he's whatever, but he's with comedians.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, hold on.

[Jeff Garland]

That's a safe space.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Who am I eating the pizza with? Comedians I am not with. Yes. That's the point.

[Jeff Garland]

And don't bring your fucking girlfriend in the green room before the show.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Don't. Or your boyfriend, or even my best friends, my brother.

[Jeff Garland]

Green rooms for the talent on that show.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, it's really important before the show. You know what? Carlin did this in one of his specials. He finished the special and ran out the side door and got into a cab. And I went, wow, that's beautiful. Yeah, I. After shows, I'm exhausted, and it's hard for me to communicate, because my head is in the stage space. But I welcome people back. But I'm very quick, you know, I'm warm. You want to take a picture? Great. But, man, that is a tough place to hang with people at all. But I was giving you the example. You ready for this? Havey? This is when Havey was. Alan Havey was at his top game. He had his show.

[Jeff Garland]

Late night show.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Comedy Central. First. It was the first.

[Jeff Garland]

It was on a network.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Not the HA Network, the Comedy Channel.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah. Okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Which they merged and I think they kept the. What was it called? Comedy Central.

[Jeff Garland]

HBO had had a comedy channel that was called.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And then MTV did. Yeah, TV was high. And the Comedy Channel was off of hbo.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes. And then they merged into Comedy Central.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And into Comedy Central. Anyhow, Haveee was a very popular comedian.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Huge.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And by the way, one of the best.

[Jeff Garland]

One of the best who's ever walked the earth. Fantastic.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I mean, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Anyhow, I used to open for him a ton. Anyhow, he got. He got us in Chicago. He said, you want to go? I was living in Chicago at the time. And we went to the Bulls, Knicks semifinals, you know, because they were both Eastern Conference, and it was Bulls, Knicks semifinals. And it was. It was later on, a very important game, especially for the Knicks and the Bulls. We. So we had an all access pass. So before the game, we start. No one stopped us. Different time. We. Because this was 90s, okay. And we're walking around at the Chicago stadium like this. You know, it's. It's oval. So the curving part. One side is the Bulls locker room, the other side is the Knicks locker room. So we go, we see the Bulls come out. It's like, what the fuck, Jordan? All of them. They could have been having a party for. I mean, they didn't. Hey, man, they weren't like that. But they were loose. Yeah. Oh, man, were they loose. Yeah, There was no tightness. You go around, Knicks come out, they are focused and serious and dour. There's no joy. Bulls won. Crush them. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like. That, to me, is a great lesson.

[Jeff Garland]

I don't think I saw Patrick ewing smile in 15.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, by the way, I actually did a movie with him once.

[Jeff Garland]

Really?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. It was. We weren't the stars, but we were both in it. And he was very friendly and.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know, but anyhow. Yeah. Before and after a show is sacred for a comedian.

[Jeff Garland]

All right, so it's after the show. This woman has heckled you.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, back to virgin. Look, at you and your bookmarks. You and your goddamn bookmarks.

[Jeff Garland]

I have a PA in the corner.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Named JoJo sitting over there. You have good people over. Someone who's learning, which I appreciate, and someone who.

[Jeff Garland]

She's more than learned. She was underselling.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Better guy and a learning gal.

[Jeff Garland]

Paul is the least. No, he's not bitter human being.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It was pure fake.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Lovely man.

[Jeff Garland]

Now, Paul is. Paul is. What would you call him? An esoteric. He's a transcendental esoteric.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I do transcendental meditation.

[Jeff Garland]

You do? Yeah, he does more trans. Trans. Transcendental drugs.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, they work.

[Jeff Garland]

Yep.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But they're not good for you.

[Jeff Garland]

Is that true, Drugs? Well.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

What the. Are you talking.

[Jeff Garland]

I mean, drugs is. There's a lot of categories of drugs.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Some are born of it for you. It's. It's like you get lung cancer.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It's like a cigarette. Yeah. And then coke. You know, a lot of people I know who are heavy into coke got cancer. It's equated. Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

Damn.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Bad cancer. Like die.

[Jeff Garland]

Well.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I don't know. And also it's bad for your heart. Len Bias.

[Jeff Garland]

Yep.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So it's basketball in the Clip Celtics, right? Yeah. Len Bias fell dead. I had a heart ailment. Then I saw Len Bias dying and I had. I had this thing called Wolf Parkinson Weiss syndrome, which would cause tachycardia. And I rushed to the doctor the next day.

[Jeff Garland]

Really.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And then they. There was a whole thing, and this is weird. They did what's called an ablation, which is. They burn. The extra pathway that causes tachycardia. It's not really evasive. Evasive.

[Jeff Garland]

So it's a heartburn.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Heartburn? Yeah. No, it's a vein or artery burn.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

There's an extra or electronic pathway. I'm not exactly sure. So I was the 72nd person ever to have this done on the equipment. It said not for human use. It was animal. Veterinary.

[Jeff Garland]

Really.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And in the first 100. And this is. This is true. And the three of us have been together and it's. And this is like a rare thing. It's not rare rare, but it's rare enough. Mitch Hurwitz, Arrested Development. Michael Cera, Arrested Development. We were all part of the first group.

[Jeff Garland]

No kidding.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes. Wow. Mitch, I believe, was 13. That's scary. Yeah. But anyhow, though, 13 is a lucky number for me. Worked for Dan Marino, although he never played in the Super Bowl.

[Jeff Garland]

Is that true?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I've never played. Never.

[Jeff Garland]

Miami Dolphins.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And he was on some great teams. It wasn't because he ever shit the bed. Yeah, it was, you know, just. It's hard to get to the Super Bowl. They went to the championship. Championship game. Numerous. Don Shula. Come on, man. 17 and. Oh, well.

[Jeff Garland]

How many. How many Super Bowls did. What's his name on the 49ers? Who was a great.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Joe Montana.

[Jeff Garland]

How many did he get?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

He either won two or three.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And he was clutch.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

The two most clutch quarterbacks I've ever seen are Montana and Roger Staubach.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So there you go.

[Jeff Garland]

So you're. You get off stage.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. And I go down to the Carlisle and I get my ginger ale. I'm hanging out. Some guy goes, can I get you a drink? I go, I got a ginger ale. Can I buy you a second one for any. I go, yeah, sure. And then he says to me, my friend wants to meet you. I go, great. And she comes up to me and it's her. Yeah. I'm so sorry. You're so adorable. That was. I was so mean. Blah, blah. Can I talk to you out front?

[Jeff Garland]

Out front, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And understand the hotel is an art deco, small hotel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And there's a porch. It's where the old Jews used to sit. It's a porch. And we go out on the porch, which is facing the beach. The beach is right there. And of course, the ocean and then other countries. That's the order. So she goes out in front. She goes, you are so sweet. She grabs me and kisses me.

[Jeff Garland]

Was she attractive?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Very. She says, follow me. She starts running to the beach, ripping off her clothes. No, 20. I'm following her.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, wow.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And then I. I didn't rip off my clothes. I actually, being a Jew, took them off and folded them neatly. But there was a. There was a lifeguard stand that. Where we're doing this. But I. I lost my virginity in a, like, lifeguard stand on south beach to a heckler.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, my.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

That's a hell of a story.

[Jeff Garland]

The only way that story gets any better is you've still got a grudge over the heckling. And you take her clothes and go and go get on the bus.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, that's the old joke of which show did you see? The first one or the second one? Which is, I want to do these things to you. It's a woman offering herself to a great offer. And then he says. She goes, I saw your show. And then afterwards, see the first show or the second show, because the second show he stunk and he doesn't want to be anybody who loved him the second.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It's a comedian joke.

[Jeff Garland]

So in the lifeguard chair.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Okay. You're back in the life.

[Jeff Garland]

And so was there sand? Was there friction?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, there was sand, but not when we were. We were. I remember a homeless guy back then. You could say that.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And he was. Clearly. That was walking up to my clothes, and I realized I left my wallet in my pants. So I ran down naked with a boner and I said, don't go near it, and he's scared off. And I went back up and finished.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, that's back. At that age, you could get an erection, have an interaction like that, and the erection would still be there waiting for you.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

At the age where you could put a towel on you.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know what I mean?

[Jeff Garland]

You could yell at a homeless guy.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

With an erection and not.

[Jeff Garland]

And it doesn't go away.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Not. Not by any stretch. So anyhow, after it was over, she picked up her clothes on her little journey. I picked them up being folded. I look much better. Anyhow, she says, walk me to a car walked her. She goes, I would love to see you again. And I said, okay. And I asked her, I swear I did this. I go, how old are you? She said, 31. I'm 20. She might as well have said 80. Yeah, she gave me her number. I never called her.

[Jeff Garland]

She was too old.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

31 was scary, man. I wasn't a man of the world like you. Dating a 40.

[Jeff Garland]

31 and a half plus seven years is 23.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, okay.

[Jeff Garland]

Well, so you were too young.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I was too young, but I was definitely. That's the kind of kid. When you say I was 20 and lost my virginity. I was very. I was very confident in school, very confident around ladies, except when it came to asking them to dance or anything like that.

[Jeff Garland]

Do you feel like you. Do you feel like you did a good job the first time?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, that's not for me to decide. Yeah, she did a fine job for me.

[Jeff Garland]

Well, she's probably dead by now, so we can't ask her.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Would that be hilarious? She's in her 70s. I don't know if she remembers that. She might listen or watch us. And what were the odds of that? Can I get a hold of him?

[Jeff Garland]

Right in your thing, Just the ginger ale shows up at the podcast.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, that's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

That's the thing I did. And to this day, if I care about someone, I'm kind of got that anxious attachment style. Yeah. Like when I walk down the street and I walk on stage and do an hour with no material.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I've got swagger, except at home.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I mean, my girlfriend would love. My person of interest, would love for me to have more swagger, More attracted to me if I had swagger in the house. But I don't. I'm very. When I'm home, I'm vulnerable.

[Jeff Garland]

So does she like to go out and see you perform then so she can get a taste of the swagger?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

She. As a matter of fact, no. But she does. And when after she does. She's very attracted to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Jeff Garland]

Always get her in the car on the way home.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, then I asked her, do you want to come? No. You know, mostly it's no. So anyhow.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. I wish I had more of that swagger. Yeah. When I'm enclosed. But I'm very vulnerable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know, and I have anxious attachment style.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

My attachment style has nothing to do when I'm outside of my house. Yeah. Like here. I'm completely confident talking to you.

[Jeff Garland]

Sure.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I wasn't remotely nervous. There's no cameras high. I'm very. I don't care.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

When I'm at home, I can't do that. And I get affected by things. I'm very vulnerable. I can get hurt. Easy. But only privately.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Publicly. And I'm not wearing a mask publicly.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It's just the way I am. And my true self, when I'm. When the. When the makeup's off and the clown costume goes in the hamper, I'm a really quiet, sweet guy who, when he gets noisy, becomes an irritant to my person. And by the way, she loves me. She will laugh, but only. Only if I just slip something that's funny. Like when I told you when we were walking up the stairs that I legally had my name changed. I forgot what it was that I told you because I forget those incidents. Instantly hates that stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Hates. But that's also the thing. About to be the partner of a comedian. Not fun.

[Jeff Garland]

No. My wife, I've tried out jokes on her. I don't know why I continue to do it, but I'll. I'll. And she never thinks they're funny.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Give me a tissue. You have a tissue over there.

[Jeff Garland]

She literally never, ever, ever thinks it's funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ever, man.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But if you do it on stage and she's a death, you'll find it very funny.

[Jeff Garland]

And also, that isn't to say that we're not funny together. It's. By the way, those are our jokes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

By the way, my girlfriend My person of interest. I gotta get used to saying that. She is one of the funniest people I've ever met.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

She misses. The thing is, she goes, does it? But thank you. Does it bother you that I don't laugh at you? But she does when it's just like me saying something, but if I try so with my none. She doesn't understand absurd. Absurdism. Yeah. She gets why I like it. Bob Odenkirk came over one day. I'm not kidding you. And explained my comedy to her, and she was so grateful. She still doesn't think she understands me comedically better.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But he had to do that. And she, to this day, so much, because you can never sneeze enough.

[Jeff Garland]

So yesterday, while you blow your nose, I'll tell you something that happened yesterday. I go into this Italian restaurant.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

What are you wearing? Cotton.

[Jeff Garland]

What's that?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I said, what are you wearing? Cotton. When you go in the Italian restaurant, these are the things that make her crazy. What are you wearing? Cotton.

[Jeff Garland]

What am I wearing? Cotton.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Are you wearing cotton?

[Jeff Garland]

When I go to the Italian restaurant, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Is it comfortable? Are you wearing a blend?

[Jeff Garland]

Are you saying. This is the kind of comments you get? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know, Yeah, I got a new dress. Cotton. Cotton's my reaction. Cotton.

[Jeff Garland]

So I go in and I order. I said, can I get an Americana with room? And the guy's Italian behind the thing, and he looks at me and he goes, hold on. And he walks away. And I was like, what? What's complicated? And I see him talking to another waiter, and they're. The hands are going. And I go, what's the issue? And so he finally comes over and he goes, we no can do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I go, why?

[Jeff Garland]

He goes, we don't. We don't have a rum. Rum. He thought I asked for an Americana.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But I will tell you, Americana with rum is also the wrong way to drink it. You know, Americanos are meant to be drinking. Drinking black.

[Jeff Garland]

I can't believe you didn't think that was funny at all.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, they don't speak the language. I'm your wife.

[Jeff Garland]

Americana with rum.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. By the way, I get it. Yeah. Put it in your act. Anyhow.

[Jeff Garland]

Maybe you should.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Comedians do.

[Jeff Garland]

You should be my person of interest, by the way.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes. Because, by the way, comedians are brutally honest with each other. Yeah. There is no. You know, especially when they're. You're funny as shit. So, you know, it's easy for me to say, but Americanos were invented in Europe, Latin America. I don't Know where?

[Jeff Garland]

Not in Americana.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, Americana was for Americans. It was espresso. An espresso with water.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And so it's a lighter way of drinking an espresso.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You don't put milk in an espresso. You don't put milk in an Americano.

[Jeff Garland]

Interesting.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

By the way, my Americano thing is I will get it black, but. But I usually. So I get it black, and if it's not tasty, I'll get the oat milk and it becomes tasty. Yeah. You know what I mean? Unless it's horrible.

[Jeff Garland]

I get the Americano because I just really want to drip coffee. But I know that that's probably been sitting there. They brewed it two hours ago. So if I were an Americano, I'm getting fresh espresso.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But there's also a difference. Espressos are so much better for you than coffee.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

They're gentler on your body, even though you get the effects. Much gentler. I love iced coffee. But gentler on your body is an espresso or an Americano.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I hope people learn. And I got this from the same article where it said half your age, but plus 24, minus 16. It's all on Wikipedia, man. So it must be true. It's.

[Jeff Garland]

And it's in a court of law. That will hold up. Have you ever. This is Fastballs with fits. We're now into that segment of the show.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Who doesn't love a good Fastballs with fits.

[Jeff Garland]

Have you ever.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Want to tell you one story. People hate when I interrupt. I know from. People have told.

[Jeff Garland]

Who would hate when you interrupt.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

They do.

[Jeff Garland]

You're a smart, funny guy. And if, you know, if I'm being boring and you have something, that's the other thing about, like, telling each other what's funny. We also know if the other guy's kind of slowing. Like, if a guy goes, we're gonna do a segment now, and you're funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You go, hello.

[Jeff Garland]

I got.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I actually have something.

[Jeff Garland]

Why don't I just.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, now. Oh, fastball. When I was in Little League, there was a kid whose father was really tough and mean. Like, almost like. But no one really. We all thought he was tough. I mean, this is the other team. And this pitcher who went on to have a great high school career, I don't think he ever made minor leagues, but he was the only kid in the league who could throw a curveball. A great curveball.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

My baseball knowledge didn't understand a curveball. So when I was. Because, you know, a curveball A lot of times looks like it's coming right at you and then curves over and down. Yeah. And so I didn't think anything of it. And my first hit was a double. My second hit, double line drive, center, center, until somebody on the bench goes, wow, you're hitting that curveball. And then. And the other guy's curveball. Curveball. I got up on stage and I thought, on stage. Well, it's kind of on stage in the batter's box. All I'm thinking is curveball. Yeah. Not to look for it, but to.

[Jeff Garland]

I remember as first time a woman told me during sex that I had a big dick and I just went flaccid instantly.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Again, not for your act and not.

[Jeff Garland]

Even for this podcast, have you ever won any awards?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes, I've won a Golden Globe.

[Jeff Garland]

Congratulations.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

For producing Curb youb Enthusiasm. I have won a Producers Guild of America award, I think two or three times for best show. I have right now what they do with the afi. They used to have a show. Now it's just a dinner. It's been a dinner for a while, or a luncheon. And it's called best shows of 20, 25, best comedies, what have You. But back when they picked a winner and there was five of us, I won that. I won the AFI a couple times.

[Jeff Garland]

Nice.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I won Improviser of the Year from this improv festival in Chicago. The fact I remember these, of course, they mean something. Yeah, it's fun to win. I'll leave it at that.

[Jeff Garland]

It's fun to win.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Award ceremonies are a drag. And when you're nominated and you lose, you go, why the hell that comes.

[Jeff Garland]

You got all the dress.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Unless someone like Conan or Garry Shandling is hosting. Why do I want to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Why? If I'm not going to win, let me stay home. And Larry started staying home like three or four Emmys ago. We were on for, what was it, 13 years.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

We never won an Emmy. No, never one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Herb never won an Emmy.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And we lost the shows that people will easily forget. And I'm not going to say that.

[Jeff Garland]

You'Re saying Abbott elementary is not going to stand the test.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Abbott in elementary. But the point is, and here's the cool part, except for the last year, the last year, I predicted every single one. Every one. And I was with Jeff Schaefer, producer of the show. And Jeff had the funniest phrase, because I said, Magnificent. Mrs. Maisel is going to win. He goes, we're going to get Maiseled. And we did. We got Maisel but every. The last year. The last year where I thought, well, if the bear doesn't win, we'll win. And we thought it.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Even Larry and the Bear didn't win. And Hacks won. Yep. And the Hacks producers were very complimentary. Your show years ago, when Friends won, Jennifer Aniston honestly apologized to me, which I thought was so beautiful. Friend is a legendary show. Like, she didn't even have to apologize. You understand why Friends.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Friends is awful.

[Jeff Garland]

Well, it is the least unrelatable, horny awful for you. Wordplay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Mostly awful for me. But the point is that there are a generation of people who. That is a very important show to them.

[Jeff Garland]

No, my daughter watches it. It's a new generation, but it's also.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

More women than men on that show. And everyone on that show was charming, you know?

[Jeff Garland]

Well, shows that are mean generally don't do as well. I mean, you look at the Oscars name Best picture Oscars that didn't tie up with a positive ending like a Titanic.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Okay, let's take this. No Holocaust documentary that's been nominated ever lost. Yeah, it's true. I have a friend who was. I was. I was a producer of a movie that was nominated for best documentary. Yeah, okay. Called Finding Vivian Mayer. It's a photography one. Yeah. And I produced it. And there was a Holocaust movie. And I told the other. The directors and the other producers, I go, we're not winning. And they didn't understand. I go, no, no, no, no, no, no. Trust me, we're not winning. We didn't win. Of course, but Curb never won best show ever.

[Jeff Garland]

He should have done a Holocaust episode.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But by the way, the last year was the only year we were upset about it. The other years, it's like, whatever you want. But the last year we thought, boy, if the bear doesn't win, we got it. People will look at our body of work and what have you. It's like Scorsese won for the Departed.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You know, it's a body of work thing. He's never won and. Yeah, but would you watch that documentary on Apple?

[Jeff Garland]

Unbelievable.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Unbelievable.

[Jeff Garland]

And the thing is, like, you know, I didn't realize that, like, you know, De Niro, because they talk about him and De Niro growing up and near each other in Little Italy.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Right.

[Jeff Garland]

And that De Niro was more of, like, father was an artist and like, you were kind of like a little more established artistic parents, whereas Scorsese was really the gritty, like Mulberry street, by the way.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I love that. One of his best Friends from that era writes his movies.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, a few movies.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I. I can't remember his name off him. That's his name, but he's written great movies with him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ro.

[Jeff Garland]

Taxi Driver.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, that's. That's Schrader.

[Jeff Garland]

Paul Schrader.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, yeah. But. But the. The point is that there's a grittiness to Scorsese.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And so he understands that world. And he knew mafia people. He knew all of it, you know.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And. Yeah. Italian kid from the. From. And by the way, I live a block. My place in New York, which is for sale. Just saying my place in New York is literally, unequivocally, a short block, not a long block. It's a. You know what I mean? Because between. It's a short block away from that church and all that. St. Patrick's yeah, they filmed the Godfather there. You know, the baptism.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Anyhow. Yeah, that's where they hung out. There's a brick wall that's there and.

[Jeff Garland]

No, I live there. I lived at 241 Mulberry street for like 10 years. Oh, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, you lived on Between Prince and Spring.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, I lived.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I live on Lafayette.

[Jeff Garland]

No. Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

My number is. Because I still live there is similar.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And. Yeah, you lived right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fast. But it was a great documentary.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

All right, let's go to your things.

[Jeff Garland]

Don't, don't. Don't go like that. I work very hard on these.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Okay. See, everything on how much fun I have.

[Jeff Garland]

What TV role would you most like to have gotten?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Colombo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I wasn't eligible.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Colombo is the part. Easily top five show of all time. Yeah, Colombo. Yeah. By the way, I've never had the skill of Peter Falk. I could never be better than him. But in terms of what I would like. Because that's a question.

[Jeff Garland]

Because what's great about it is it's a serious show with a comedic actor in the middle of it.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I've seen him play drama. I don't know if you've seen any of what's his name's movies shoot.

[Jeff Garland]

Woody Allen.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, the independent filmmaker. He would do. He was brilliant, and I kind of copied it at first, but he used to do. He was into the Husband and Rosemary's Baby. The hell's his name? Anyhow, your producers are not on top of it. All right? So anyhow, I want to see.

[Jeff Garland]

Thought I want to see thumbs tapping.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It is. No, it's very important. So watch. McCall was in a lot of them, and he Was dramatic. He's a dramatic actor who could act comedically. And he created a character, by the way, Columbo. Dead serious.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

He took no guff.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

From these people. And he would close in and close in. The more he close in, the more serious he'd be. He'd be light, so they could be funny and then. Serious. Serious. It takes a special actor to pull that off. Peter Falk. What's that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Guy Woodhouse.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Who? The is guy. How are you helping?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you supposed to be helping?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. It's John something. John Cassavetes.

[Jeff Garland]

John Cassavetes. Who?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Actually, you have your phones and you're not knowing John Cassavetes.

[Jeff Garland]

He used to hang out in Little Italy also, so he had an apartment down there.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I would believe it. His wife, to me, is maybe the most beautiful woman who has ever lived. Gina Rowlands.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So, by the way, a Diary of Gloria.

[Jeff Garland]

Was that her movie?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But Diary of a Mad Housewife.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Best acting I've ever seen. Male or female. Her in that movie.

[Jeff Garland]

She. I think she won the Oscar for Gloria, didn't she?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I don't know. She might have. I love Gloria. Yeah. I don't remember who did the remake, but her. Gloria. So, anyhow, that's my answer.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I'm enjoying it.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I'm also taking it too long, but I know that.

[Jeff Garland]

Well, they're fastballs.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, but I'm not. I'm hitting a slow roller.

[Jeff Garland]

Who would you want to play you in a movie?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. Geez, I hadn't really thought of that. Well, it's a young actor who hasn't been born yet.

[Jeff Garland]

There you go. I know most people would be like me. Can I use that roller?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. I would say there's. No. Look, there's not a lot of. There was a lot of young me's.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

In show. In. In movies and stuff. I don't see a lot of young me's now.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay. Jesse Plemons.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Jesse Plemons is not a young me. He's. He's younger than me, by the way. He's so good, he could pull it off. Yeah. I don't know how funny he is. That's why. You know Lenny with Dustin Hoffman. Perfect. Perfect. The whole thing. Except Dustin's not funny.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

That's the only difference I know. Dustin is not funny. His portrayal is so accurate, but he couldn't be funny.

[Jeff Garland]

Well, Will Arnett is playing a comedian in a movie right now.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So that's going to be a comedian or. Oh, it's a man. I don't want to say anything. Why are you saying it's going to be rough? Why would you do that publicly on somebody when they may pull it off? All right. Is it out yet? No, but I.

[Jeff Garland]

Have you ever joined any clubs?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Is this the question?

[Jeff Garland]

Is it a question?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Is that one of your fastballs? Yes. Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you. All the way back to, you know, college, all the. All the frats, I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member. Groucho Mars.

[Jeff Garland]

All right?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And so. No.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, No, I like it.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I'm not a club guy.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I never even belonged to a golf club, even when I could afford it. I'm a public golfer. I'm a man of the real people.

[Jeff Garland]

Will you retire at some point?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, I'll retire because I have to retire.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You'll be retired.

[Jeff Garland]

You won't retire.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. So in other words, if I physically, whatever reason, can't do stand up, as long as I can write, I'll sit home and write. Yeah. Movies, what have you.

[Jeff Garland]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

If I can no longer write, you know, boys, I have to be kicked out of the league. I have to be like old, old, old, old Jordan. Do you know what I mean? Like, you're done.

[Jeff Garland]

See, that's why. That's the. The only club I've ever joined in my life was the Friars Club in New York because, oh, I was a friar. Okay, so you did join a club, because that, to me, is the way to gracefully end your career as a comedian. Go to lunch if you have the Dover Soul in the dining room, and then you go shoot some pool. Then you go take a seat, steam, and you commits. You play some cards. I mean, what, What, What's. What the Is better than that with a bunch of old comedians, by the way.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I want to be put in when it's time or close to time or I know it's getting older. The Motion Picture Home.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, yeah. Is that fun?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. I've raised money for them. I've paid money to go.

[Jeff Garland]

That's great stuff.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I support them and I love them. And so there's a.

[Jeff Garland]

That's for poor people, though, isn't it?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, it's for all levels of success.

[Jeff Garland]

Because you have a lot of money, right?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, you don't. No. You take away taxes from what I made. You take away fees of a manager, lawyer, agent, and you get divorced. Not a lot left.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But I. Hey, I am. I'm grateful for what I have. Like, I have two homes, one I have to sell because I. Also, another thing is, I haven't worked since Curb except once. Say, what's the once, Jeff?

[Jeff Garland]

What's the once, Jeff?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

On Larry David's new show. I worked today because it's a sketch show. It's like these sketches of American history. It's called the 250th. So you go from curb to the 250th. So Larry David. I was employed with him.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And that's it.

[Jeff Garland]

So this place.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And I'm not alone with that, because between the strikes and the unions and.

[Jeff Garland]

All, I haven't written for a TV show since before the pandemic.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Right. Well, I'm saying to you, between the pandemic and the greed and streaming and all of it actors, I always, always think that streaming would mean so many jobs.

[Jeff Garland]

But what about residuals for you at this point? Do they add up to anything?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Well, first off, I don't get Curb residuals.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

There's no HBO residuals. Oh. I'm mad that it's streaming. I got a. I needed someone to go look at my contract. Yeah, right. And I don't know if I signed off on that, because then I'll have a big check coming.

[Jeff Garland]

You will.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I'm hoping. I. I'm guessing they had wording in there. Yeah, that they could. And you're gonna win. You fought the law. The law, yeah. And then, so residuals. I get residuals from movies. I've done TV shows, but my big residuals are from the Goldbergs.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Okay. So residuals for. I imagine the cast of Seinfeld were at least a million a year. Okay. So they could go to the old motion picture anytime they wanted. For me, it's. I have to split it with my ex wife. Like I'm telling. By the way, I love my ex wife.

[Jeff Garland]

Sure. That's why you give her so much money.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, but I really do. And I don't resent anything that I pay her. But we split my residuals up the middle, and it comes to. Not that much. Not enough to live on. Unless I live in a studio apartment in Oklahoma.

[Jeff Garland]

Wait, so this place in New York.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Drive. Public transportation. Then I could retire based on my residuals.

[Jeff Garland]

So you're gonna sell this place in New York. Do you own it outright?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I own it outright.

[Jeff Garland]

How much do you think you'll get for it?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I don't want to talk about that. But I'm losing.

[Jeff Garland]

How are you losing?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

There's a couple reasons. First off, the market has not Been good for quite a while. And then add in. In New York, people are just mand affecting real estate.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, so you're saying you're going to get less for it than you paid for it.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, and I also, I did some work on it. Not enough. And so I'm losing.

[Jeff Garland]

How big is the place?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

It's a one bedroom loft. You may. The one bedroom. It's roomy, it's warm, I love it. And unfortunately, I, I am resentful that I have to sell it. I am. It's. It's a fact.

[Jeff Garland]

Probably get a million dollars for it.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I'll get more than that. But again, there's a giant chunk of that that goes to my ex wife. A giant chunk.

[Jeff Garland]

So does it just.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, I use it. I always use it. Well, it's more than a ped a tear, but I use it. I go there and I snipe. What am I going to do? Go to a hotel when I've got an apartment? It's furnished, it's all perfect. And I'm surprised by the way I had a designer do it. And it is so perfect that I'm surprised people don't walk in and go, all right, I'll pay.200 over. Yeah. You know what I mean? I had someone who bought it. Just like everything. It fell out. Yes.

[Jeff Garland]

Keep the deposit.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I don't. The papers had just been signed. No deposits had been paid yet. So, you know, it was a weird one because it was a rare. I don't know from which country. A rich Middle Eastern. Really rich. And it was for his daughter who had no bank accounts in America.

[Jeff Garland]

Oh, interesting.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No footprint. So the. What do they call the board of the co op.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Was like. Yeah. And so. And then I agreed. Listen to this. I agreed to put in a bank account for two years, $60,000. So if anything went wrong, the, the building, what it costs, you know, the. Whatever they call it, the. That you have to pay to your building for upkeep. Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

Maintenance.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

So I would. Yeah. All that stuff. And I would have covered it even with that.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah. All right, final question.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

That was a lot of real estate talk. Don't think I'm not self aware. Don't think I think you should be. Some of you might enjoy it because you're into real estate, but most of you move on. Jeff. And I get it. I get it. What are you doing? Oh, that's good. I'm talking to Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm talking to your world, your people who I know. Smart.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Stute emotional intelligence.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

To watch your show, you gotta kind of be there.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You can't be a mental. Well, maybe a mentally challenged person enjoys it. Who am I to say? All right, go ahead.

[Jeff Garland]

All right, final question.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I just finished my water. Perfect time.

[Jeff Garland]

Perfect.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Okay, go ahead.

[Jeff Garland]

When is the last time you deeply apologized?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Okay, dig this.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I do it to my. With my person of interest, of course. I've done it with my children. I've done deep apologies. However, when I was undiagnosed bipolar, especially on the Goldberg set, I found myself every day apologizing to someone for being mean.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

But I didn't realize I was being mean. I showed up to that set angry or the most jolly who ever walked the earth, and you didn't know what you were going to get. And I also have severe adhd. I'm bipolar. And these were discovered later in life. Yeah. I didn't know I was bipolar till I was 59 and I'm 63. So go. How about them apples? And so I would sincere apologies. And then I would drive home just going, why did I apologize so much to them? What happened? And I had no idea. No idea. Until I was diagnosed and I went. And so I have. And also, being in aa, you have to make amends.

[Jeff Garland]

Sure.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I think that's the ninth step, I believe. And so I've been making amends with people. Sincere amends. And the thing about amends that's beautiful is you don't have to say, that's okay back. You don't have to say, I accept your apology. You're just saying it so it's out there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And so I've been saying I'm still in the middle. You know, you're supposed to finish that step, that you've done it. For me, it will never end. I have to make up for a lifetime. Although I've talked to my old friends from childhood and a little bit later on, and they say they wouldn't have had me any other way, that they accepted me. And they didn't even ever see. See me as a problem, but they all agree I was a lot.

[Jeff Garland]

Jeff Garland, you are a lot. And I've always, I think, understood there's things about you that were uneven. Like, I definitely saw different versions of you over the course.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Oh, my God. And the aggressiveness on that tour towards those Canadian comedians. I was. Was. But I was a choice to be abusive. Yeah. I would even do stuff like, I would never be abusive now.

[Jeff Garland]

But. But. But what I'm saying is I took it all in. And I embraced it all and I accepted it all because I just know your heart is good.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yes.

[Jeff Garland]

I think you're a smart, funny, loving, caring guy.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I believe I am. Yeah. But that's for you to decide and I appreciate that. I know I'm good hearted, but that's the only real thing I know about myself. Funny and I'm good hearted. I know nothing else. But my mental health has been off. But that's why we're friends. After all these years, you embrace me. I don't think we ever even got into an argument in our relationship.

[Jeff Garland]

Never once.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Never once. No, it's just you're like what I consider amongst comedians, a brother. You're a brother to me, you know what I mean? And there's a lot less of those now. We'll go back to, you know, when we were younger. What did we do every night? We'd go to a diner after the show. Every night. Now comedians are all out for themselves. They might meet for coffee on occasion, but they're not going to a. Not that there are local diners, except for maybe Denny's, but in LA we have them. No, that never happens.

[Jeff Garland]

We need another Friars Club.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah, I know the one here. Well, the one in New York's out of business. Yeah, that's just so sad. And the one in la, that was in Beverly Hills, torn down.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah, I know. Well, maybe we need the Sag Aftra Club. What's it called up there? The Actors.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Annoying People.

[Jeff Garland]

Is that what it's called?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Sag Aftra. Annoying actors. You want to hang out with them for the most part. Not me. Yeah, I want comedians, especially of our generation. You're in the generation after me. Yeah, but like the immediate Gen Louie is the same thing.

[Jeff Garland]

Right?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And we're all in New York at the same time, all of that. But the point is that felt like a kinship. Brothers, sisters. Yeah, you know, we always, you know. Yeah, that was time and I missed that. But there's a great line from the movie the Wild Bunch. I know we're wrapping up. This will definitely wrap it up. At the end of the Wild Bunch, the last line of the movie, from one cowboy to another. And the one who doesn't say this is like apprehensive, doesn't know where he fits in the world. And the old Edmund o' Brien played this character and he said to him, well, it ain't like it used to be, but it'll do. That's how I look at life. It ain't what it used to be. But it'll do. I'm grateful to be here, grateful to be on your show, grateful for these young people.

[Jeff Garland]

Yes. God bless you, Jeff. Thanks for being here.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

My honor.

[Jeff Garland]

And if you want to check out Jeff's most recent special, it's called Jeff Garland, our Man in Chicago, on Netflix.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah.

[Jeff Garland]

He's also got this photo show, big bowl of wonderful. Is that appearing anywhere else?

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

No, it's hard because I'm completing a book, rizzoli Books, next September 15, and it's called Best Seat in the House.

[Jeff Garland]

Okay.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

And it's of Comedians Curb youb Enthusiasm, Actors and actresses, musicians, all with my experiences of them backstage back. If I shoot something on set, there's got to be a boom or a camera.

[Jeff Garland]

Yeah.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Everything's environmental. So I'm honored that my first book is coming out next year, and. And I'll come back on to promote it, because you will not stop me.

[Jeff Garland]

You. Oh, the door is so far open.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

I know. I said that to my assistant. I go. She goes, why are you doing it now? Your book's not. I go, no, no. This is somebody that means something to me. And I said, believe me, I'll go back on when the book comes out.

[Jeff Garland]

I love it.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Yeah. All right.

[Jeff Garland]

Thank you, man.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

You're the best.

[Jeff Garland]

You're the best.

[Guest (Likely Jeff Garland, but distinct speaker)]

Thank you, Sam.