Kevin Nealon - Episode 1088

Summary

Fitzdog Radio: A Candid Conversation with Kevin Nealon (Episode 1088)
Release Date: February 27, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 1088 of Fitzdog Radio, host Greg Fitzsimmons welcomes the illustrious Kevin Nealon, a veteran comedian best known for his tenure on Saturday Night Live (SNL) from 1986 to 1995. Celebrated as one of the longest-running cast members and ranked among the greatest anchors of all time, Nealon brings a wealth of experience from his stand-up career, acting roles in beloved films like Happy Gilmore and The Wedding Singer, and his endeavors as a podcast host and author. This episode delves deep into Nealon's insights on comedy, his personal life, and his views on corporate America.

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Corporate America and Customer Service Frustrations

The conversation kicks off with Greg expressing his frustrations with corporate customer service systems, particularly the inefficiencies of being perpetually on hold:

Greg Fitzsimmons [07:45]: "I think maybe Luigi killing that guy, putting a little bounce in their step, maybe they're going to pick up after, after 72 agents instead of 79 times of you saying agents."

Nealon empathizes with the universal annoyance of long wait times and automated systems, highlighting the emotional toll it takes on consumers.

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Stand-Up Comedy and the Changing Landscape

Greg shares his critical perspective on modern stand-up comedy, lamenting the rise of "mediocre" acts that lack genuine life experiences. He emphasizes that true comedians often have tumultuous backgrounds, which fuel their humor.

Greg Fitzsimmons [08:55]: "There's so much mediocre comedy and they're watering down whatever. I sound like a bitter old guy, but I'm not."

Nealon responds by reflecting on his own comedic journey, discussing the challenges of maintaining authenticity in an evolving industry and the pressures of staying relevant.

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SNL Experiences and Legacy

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Nealon's time at SNL. He humorously disputes Greg's claim about being ranked ninth by Steve Martin, correcting it to Bill Murray:

Kevin Nealon [12:52]: "Oh, it's Bill Murray."

Nealon delves into the dynamics of the SNL cast over the years, expressing both pride and frustration over how his contributions have been recognized. He reminisces about seeking approval from Lorne Michaels and the enduring impact of his SNL sketches on his career.

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Personal Anecdotes and Life Stories

The duo shares a series of entertaining and heartfelt stories from their careers and personal lives. One standout moment is Nealon recounting an incident where he mistakenly attempted the Heimlich maneuver on an audience member who wasn't choking:

Kevin Nealon [10:02]: "I found out later if I did that to his stomach, it probably would have spread throughout his whole body."

These anecdotes not only showcase Nealon's comedic timing but also highlight the unpredictable nature of live performances.

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Family Life and Parenting

Transitioning to personal topics, Greg and Nealon discuss their relationships with their children. Nealon talks about his son's budding interest in entertainment and his own challenges in connecting with him:

Kevin Nealon [24:11]: "He used to want to be a director, but then he did this course at Northwestern University during the summer for five weeks... he's not like me."

Greg shares his experiences in parenting, emphasizing the importance of allowing his children to explore and choose their own paths without undue pressure.

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Future Projects and Creative Endeavors

Towards the episode's conclusion, Nealon highlights his latest projects, including his book "I Exaggerate" and his podcast "Hiking with Kevin." He also proudly announces his involvement as an executive producer in the Sundance-acclaimed documentary Come See Me in the Good Light:

Kevin Nealon [75:56]: "It's about living in the moment. And it's got a lot of humor in it, too, unexpectedly."

Greg encourages listeners to support Nealon's ventures, praising his continued dedication to comedy and storytelling.

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Conclusion

Episode 1088 of Fitzdog Radio offers an unfiltered and engaging glimpse into Kevin Nealon's multifaceted career and personal life. From his foundational years on SNL to his reflections on modern comedy and his latest creative projects, Nealon provides listeners with a blend of humor, wisdom, and genuine insight. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to his work, this episode is a testament to Nealon's enduring influence in the world of comedy.

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For more insights and updates, visit fitzdog.com and check out Kevin Nealon's projects, including his podcast "Hiking with Kevin," his book "I Exaggerate," and the documentary "Come See Me in the Good Light."

Transcript

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[Kevin Nealon]

Foreign.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. Very excited about my guest today, Mr. Kevin Nealon. Hot off the 50th anniversary of SNL where he was ranked number nine or eight as the greatest anchors of all time. I think he was also like the longest running cast member at the time when he left the show. So anyway, we had a nice talk this past week. I was honored as always that he would come in. He's a good friend and, and I he says he doesn't do any podcasts except for mine and Conan O'Brien's. And he gets asked constantly. I don't know why people do mine. Nobody listens. They just like me. They like hanging out with me. I take that as a real compliment. Anyway, welcome. I am. What am I doing on hold today? For a long time with Blue Shield of California. I don't know. Why, why are we on hold? Let's talk about the idea of corporations that know that a lot of people are going to call that day. Having just few enough operators that you are always consistently on hold for 10 to 20 minutes. Does it make sense when they're hiring people that are in the third world that they're paying $2 for the day, can they not pay the extra two bucks? I'm literally like, I'm at the point now where as soon as I get through to the recording, I just start hitting zero and saying agent, Agent, agent, agent, agent. And they, they literally, they must know that if somebody says agent enough times that they are on the edge of a nervous breakdown and they need to let you through or there's going to be violence. And I think maybe Luigi killing that guy, putting a little bounce in their step, maybe they're going to pick up after, after 72 agents instead of 79 times of you saying agents. Who knows. But it's just amazing because. And then they want you to hit buttons. They don't want to give you a per hit 3 if there's an error on your bill. No, no. If I want to button Pay for something, let me pay for it. You're already fucking me over. Now I want to give you money and now you're wasting 20 minutes of my time hitting button. But buttons. That's how I say it. Um, yeah, so anyway, more about corporate America to come. I'm very upset about it lately and I just don't understand how America doesn't see that this is the problem. It's not the politicians, it's the corporations that are electing the politicians. Now Trump is getting rid of this agency that basically helps consumer. It's a consumer protection agency that they are cheering as he fires. Middle. Fucking middle management job like average workers. Fucking good jobs. Why are we cheering him? Getting rid of good jobs that are looking after consumers that are suing corporations for getting fucked over on health insurance, etc. Credit card companies, loan companies. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with this country. It's fucking crazy. Um, anyway, saw a lot of bad comedy recently. I was at a club and I was watching some comics. Here's the thing about stand up comedy. To be a comedian, you should be fucked up. You should be a broken toy. That was always the criteria before. There should be no other option for you in the workplace besides being a standup comic. You should be dyslexic. You should have been addicted to something. If you were not arrested, you should not be on a stage. Why should 200 people be quiet for 15 minutes or 20 minutes for you to talk when you basically have done nothing? You grew up in the suburbs. Your parents paid for college. You took a. You took a comedy class. You built up social media by doing it the way every other social media influencer did. And now you're writing jokes about I don't know what. Your parents are paying your rent. What the fuck do you have to talk about? Earn it. Have you ever traveled alone? Have you ever. Have you ever fought? Have you ever had a fist fight with a stranger? Have you ever cheered up a friend who got beat up by their parents by making them laugh? Were you the one in the playground that everybody crowded around because you were so funny? No. Then what the fuck are you doing on a comedy club? State. There's so much mediocre comedy and they're watering down whatever. I sound like a bitter old guy, but I'm not. I was a fucking drunk, got in fights, was. Spent a couple weekends in jail. I have adhd, I'm bald. It's always in trouble. Parents beat me. I get to be a Comedian. All right, this is a waste of time. People tuned in because Kevin Nealon is on the show. Before we get to him, I want to remind you about some upcoming tour dates. Atlanta Punchline, March 6th through the 8th. Hollywood Improv for the St. Patrick's Day show on March 15th. Hamilton, Ontario, March 26th. Toronto, March 27th. We Got Pittsburgh, Boston, Escondido, Tampa, La Jolla. All tickets [e-mail] and now my guest is a Primetime Emmy award nominee, Screen Actors Guild winner. Saturday Night Live. From 86 to 95. He was on Weeds, on Showtime. He was on Happy Gilmore, the Wedding Singer, Anger Management, Little Nicky, Daddy Daycare, Grandma's Boy. You don't Mess with Zohan. I mean, Larry Sanders Show. This guy is a fucking legend. He's so talented. He's got this great book out called I Exaggerate where he does caricatures of some of your favorite people. And he's got a podcast called Hiking with Kevin that you can watch ev. I don't know if it's every week. Maybe it's every other week, but lot of back episodes to watch that are amazing. So, again, I'm honored he's here. Here's my talk with the great Kevin Nealon. Welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. Kevin Nealon, you've been on the show a thousand times. I'd say probably ten times too many. It's not too many. You walked in the door with this attitude.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, no. I'm saying 10 times in the last month I've been here. I should have an attitude about that. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you. But you came in and you said, you'll never do it again. And that. That makes me feel like I either want to do a great one with you right now or just really mail it in.

[Kevin Nealon]

You should always do a great one. And I said, I'll never do it again after the first time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you did.

[Kevin Nealon]

You just don't remember. Play it back. Go get the old vhs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's play it back.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Jesus. Wow. But you haven't done other podcasts, you said, in a long time. No, just Conan.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just Conan.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I just can't. I can't do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it just gobbles up your day.

[Kevin Nealon]

It doesn't do anything for me. No, Nobody watches podcasts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nobody does. No. It only decided the last election.

[Kevin Nealon]

I do it to because I feel like I'm helping my friends. Yeah, a little bit, because I know what it's like because I have this little hiking show called Hiking with Kevin on YouTube. And it's hard to get people.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, my age that aren't in wheelchairs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, especially. Yeah. If they're trying to hike. Have you had anybody in a wheelchair go on hiking with Kevin?

[Kevin Nealon]

Let's see. That was Kane Crutches. No. No wheelchairs yet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a guy who has cerebral palsy that I saw in Austin who's one of the funniest comics I've seen in years. I wish I can remember his name right now. But the crowd does give you a little extra when you go up with something wrong with you. So I've often thought maybe I should fake some. Fake. I'm blind. But then I can't do crowd work.

[Kevin Nealon]

People know who you are anyway. It's hard to get away with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could have a stroke.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's not. How about a brain aneurysm?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good.

[Kevin Nealon]

And have it right there on the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stage and make sure it's being videotaped.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That would be viral. Or what if I got a virus on stage? That would be viral.

[Kevin Nealon]

This has nothing to do with that. But I was at the Ice House about six months ago, and I'm stage, and I hear this. Ah, ah, off to the side. I thought, this guy's trying to distract me. I'm gonna walk over to this side of the stage. And then someone in the audience goes, he's joking. He's joking. I turn around the guy, and they're all around him. I've never done this before. I've known the Heimlich maneuver for years.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I've never done it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've always wait to see somebody else is gonna do it. And I. Because I don't want to be around someone when they're about to die.

[Unnamed Guest]

Maybe.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I don't know. For some reason, I just jumped into action. I jumped off the stage, and I got behind him, and there's one person each side. And he weighs like. He's not even that big, but he weighs a lot.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm trying to get him up. I go, lift up each side. Lift up. And they're lifting him up and. And I. I'm about to do it. And he comes around and come to find out he wasn't choking. And the woman in the. In the audience also goes, give him the Heimlich maneuver. He wasn't joking. He was taking a lot of medicine because he had stomach cancer. I found out later if I did that to his stomach, it probably would have spread throughout his whole body. I just listened to the lady, he's choking. She's way in the back. She doesn't even know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that how cancer works? If you push on this red?

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, like, if someone has breast cancer, don't hug them tight because you might spread it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How did you figure that was the guy? Like, stop. Stop trying to.

[Kevin Nealon]

He was like. He was out, and then he came around and they said he was breathing. I said, what do you mean he's breathing? I know the Heimlich went over. This is the chance I get to use it. I did see someone do the Heimlich maneuver once in Hawaii. You know, just got there, was sitting out on the deck, you know, it's really nice. And having breakfast. And all of a sudden this guy, like, maybe, I don't know, 20, 30 yards away, kind of outside, more starts. He's holding his. You know, I thought this guy's. I think he's having a heart attack, this guy. And then another guy. I'm about to get up to go over there and thank God somebody else came behind him and started doing the Heimlich. And it's really. It's violent. You have to really pick them up off the ground almost. And this piece of meat can flip, flying across. Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is the second time I've seen the Heimlich performed. No, first one's always the best. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like it. Yeah. Because after that, it just becomes like, you know, who can shoot it further? They get competitive.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would save the piece of meat if I was that guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, the guy went over there and he ate it because it's expensive. That's expensive food in Hawaii.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is, yeah. Congratulations. You were just nominated by Steve Martin as the number nine Weekend Update person of all time.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think you're wrong about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I'm not.

[Kevin Nealon]

I will bet you a million dollars.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

8, 10, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[Kevin Nealon]

Nope, it wasn't Steve Martin. It was Bill Murray. Oh, take a break. We'll be right back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, you know, you really.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like a nightmare. They do something like that. And for the rest of my life, you were number nine. I hate those lists where they rank them. Who's ranking them?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, Bill Murray is.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, when they do the Rolling stones, you know, 100 best sketches, SNL, it's people that weren't alive when I was doing my sketches. You know, they're like 30 year olds and 20 year olds, and they're ranking, you know, the cast from, you know, Will Ferrell or.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Who was on right after me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. Well, I think that Hans and Franz generally makes it in those.

[Kevin Nealon]

Did not make it. No, no, that's what I heard. What? Yeah. Mrs. Subliminal. What? Yeah, yeah. A lot of. A lot of good things. But, you know, they had the best commercials on over the years the other night, and there wasn't the Change bank, which I think is the best commercial ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How did it go?

[Kevin Nealon]

Huh? The Change Bank. Oh, Jim Downey's hosting it. Says it's a commercial for the Change bank, saying if you come to us with $20, we could give you change for that. We can give you a 10 and two fives, or we can give you four fives. We could even give you $15 and then $5 in quarters because we're the Change bank. And it's very serious, you know, like a very important, you know, bank. And then I would say. I would come in and say. So you're saying that if I brought in $100, I could get 100 single bills. We would give you 100 single bills for that $100. It was the greatest commercial ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Didn't make it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't think it made it. I didn't see it on the show. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got a lot of love, though. I. I feel like you. Your face popped up a bunch of times.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, were you there?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was in the audience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, did you see that? You came up a lot. No, you feel like you didn't.

[Kevin Nealon]

You mean at the music event?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, not the music event.

[Kevin Nealon]

At the regular. You mean in the audience?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, just like sketches. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

The Love Toilet and Quick Weekend Update.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you know what? It's kind of like that puts a seal on it now it's done right. You know, it's. It's. You know, it was a big part of my life back then, and it always has been. And it's funny, you know, when you're on that show, you're constantly looking for Lorne Michaels approval.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

With sketches and, you know, your work ethic and stuff. And 30 years later, I'm still looking for it. Even, like, when I'm in the grocery store, I'm pulling a carton of milk, off I go. I wonder if Lauren would approve of this milk or the way I'm. Maybe I should do chocolate milk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, that sounds like ptsd. You need to work through.

[Kevin Nealon]

It is. I mean, even thinking about sketches to write.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, because it was such a, an opportunity and an experience.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

To be on that stage, to be live. I remember before I went on my first sketch, Mr. Subliminal, Loren comes up to me 10 seconds away in commercial. He puts his hand on my shoulder. He goes, are you sure this is what you want?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was this, there was a documentary that I just saw where it kind of portrayed him as being a guy who plays a lot of mental games with people and that, you know, to the effect that he brings out the best in them. But he does it through positive and negative reinforcement.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's like a conductor.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, I think he, not intentionally, but I think he's, he's confused. A lot of people.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have gone there to try to figure out what to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

With their tenure there.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you said once that you've really always considered yourself a stand up and not, not a sketch writer like that. You didn't really ever feel like you were a good sketch writer.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think it was more of a sketch player, you know, because I was, I, I wasn't like broad. I was broad. Church lady characters or.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

The cheerleaders. So mine, you know, Hans and Franz was the only one I think I've ever done that was broad like that. So, but I, I, I always thought in terms of stand up, you know, punchline, set up. Punchline.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, that attitude. And then all of a sudden I have to write sketches for snl. I don't know anything about writing a sketch. I didn't know that they're not supposed to have an ending. Right. I wrote a sketch with an ending once and they go, oh, I see. So this happens from that happening.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean they don't want a hard ending? No, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

At least back then they didn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they want a funny beat and then another beat.

[Kevin Nealon]

Another beat, whatever it is, and then just go out, whatever. Yeah, but I guess sketches had endings. But, but, and I guess it was too obvious of an ending.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

That I, that I wrote. But I like, I liked writing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But who did you partner up with when you wrote me? You didn't write with anybody else.

[Kevin Nealon]

Not too much. The first sketch I wrote Al Franken, Mr. Subliminal. And then, you know, you kind of partner up. Like Jim Downey was the head writer. You kind of go and knock in his office and say, hey, I got this and that. What do you think? Well, maybe if you did that and that. But it's not like staying up till two in the morning writing with somebody. Dana really is the only person I wrote with. Like the Hans and Franz stuff.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. And we used to jam on ideas before either one of us was on snl. We shared a house in the Hollywood Hills. And we would be out in the driveway just talking about, you know, different ideas for things. You know, like there were. I remember there was the two. There were the two porn guys. You know, we're getting made up makeup chairs. And we're. And we're getting made up. We're getting, you call it fluff down there or whatever they call it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You would know fluffing right now.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, fluffing. And. And we, Dana and I would just be having a regular conversation, you know, occasionally talk to the makeup artist. So. So, Nick, what Are you going to that party tomorrow? That's right, Sally. Give it a little pin stripes on the side. Make it nice for the people. Cuz I went to that party last week and I didn't. Yeah, a little powder down around the balls would be nice. Yeah, Just for the people. Everything was for the people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's hilarious. I remember the porn bit you used to do where you said, I was watching a porn movie the other day and the beginning, what is it? Interesting.

[Kevin Nealon]

Interested. Suddenly no interest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then interested again.

[Kevin Nealon]

Interested again. It's just. Again, it's a long bit. Yeah, yeah, it's a long bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But even Dana and I used to do the Beatle Anthology. The. The Naughty Anthology. You know, know, one time, I remember I was sitting on. On George's face and I took a big old plumpy poop on his face. And that's when we wrote Strawberry Fields Forever. You know, it was always that. So, you know, I had some characters going in there, but I don't. My audition, I think I just did, you know, something for my stand up.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you didn't do Subliminal man before us?

[Kevin Nealon]

I did something called tagging.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I remember seeing that like at the comedy seller years ago.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Where I would just insert a word really quickly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it wasn't something from somebody which wasn't SNL Met. Stick it. You know what I mean? Just throw that in there.

[Unnamed Guest]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, we'll go out to a restaurant later, your treat. And you know, I'll pick up the check.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

God, you have the whitest teeth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I use, you know, the. Put the wraps on.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you had them bleached.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Ah, that's also good for covet, I think. Bleach.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it is.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And did you have that Gap closed in a little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now it's the same width.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Has it less wide than before?

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, Ron Howard's is a little bit wider, so maybe I'm confusing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Paul Shear has a wide one. Letterman has a wide one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does he.

[Kevin Nealon]

He might have filled it in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I saw his son's penis last night.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's in the new season of White Lotus.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it built up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's as. Arnold saw it and he said. I say it was at the premiere and he comes out and he goes, I saw my son's penis. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

[Kevin Nealon]

The cherry does not fall far from the tree. Hey, I. So you watched it last night? Don't tell me about it because I want to see it. But Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is an actor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And I saw. He was at a party once. I do this. I do work with this group called Best Buddies. They help people that have intellectual disabilities. So we were.

[Kevin Nealon]

Am I in that class?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're being considered.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you could send a tape. If you could send it a tape. So we're up at the Getty center and there's this big cocktail party. And this is probably five years ago. So my daughter was like, 15, and he was probably 18. And he flirted with my daughter and she. She kind of fell for him. And then talking about Schwarzenegger, the son, Schwartz.

[Kevin Nealon]

Schwarzenegger.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, my daughter does not clean houses.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God. That was so racist.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's funny that the passive aggressively racist guy, like, this guy fucking robbed my car. That's racist.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. You can't talk about people that rob your car because maybe it wasn't a person. You know, you're going to badmouth people like that. No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So he's. So he was in. He was another show before, but, you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Know, is he the bodybuilder guy? Kid? Or is he the one from the housekeeper?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, the housekeeper is the bodybuilder.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right. So it's not him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's. It's Patrick, who is Maria Shriver.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. He went to my son's school ahead of it. Yeah. He used to date Taylor Swift, I think. Yes, he did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no. Maybe I'm thinking of the Kennedy kid. No, no. He dated somebody.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Could somebody look that up? Patrick Schwarzenegger. But, yeah, he does a good job. He's not great. I mean, it's tough because, you know, you grow up in a world where you generally go into what. Whatever your father did or your mother did, that's what you end up doing, you know, just because you've seen it done and you're. You know, you want to be like your dad and. But then if you go into acting, they call you a nepo baby, but what are you supposed to do? Just not do it?

[Kevin Nealon]

I think a nepo baby is somebody who gets help from their family. Yeah, but maybe it's. It's already instantaneous help because people know that you're related to him, so that gives you a foot up.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Your son is what, 17?

[Kevin Nealon]

18.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

18. Does he have any interest in going in the entertainment field?

[Kevin Nealon]

Dude, he's on SNL right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stop it.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's part of the cast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stop it.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, he's. He doesn't really know. He wants to be in some form of entertainment, but not in front of the camera. Yeah, he wants to do. And he's not even really sure what. He used to want to be a director, but then he did this course at Northwestern University during the summer for five weeks.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where he directed. And then afterwards he goes, I'm not sure I want to be a director. So he might want to get into the business end of it. But he's not like. He doesn't want to be like me. Although he's an incredible mimic. I mean, he picks up these little nuances from everybody, and he'll do it. I go, oh, my God. That's, like, spot on right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, Like a Jim Carrey kind of a thing, only not as broad.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we go, don't worry about that. My kids are 21 and 24, and they still can't figure out what they want to do. And I realized, like, nobody does anymore. Kids don't really make that choice till later. People get married later, they have kids later, they die later. So I kind of am giving my kids their early 20s to just, like, try shit. Like, my daughter came in here for a while, and she was helping out on the production side.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And she couldn't stand the people she was working for, so she hasn't been back.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, no. I was always a slow mover, you know?

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I lost my virginity at 20, and then I lost a little more of it in San Francisco at 21, and then a whole bunch of it in San Francisco. Oh, my God. I still got a little left just for that right person. You know what I'm saying? Fitzy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good.

[Kevin Nealon]

How much is the water?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We validate your parking as well. Oh, and I bought you a Fitz Dog radio coffee cup. Have I ever Given one you before.

[Kevin Nealon]

I will add that to my collection.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've got every talk show coffee cup in the world since, I don't know, since the Tonight Show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You just did Good Morning America last week. Did you get a cup?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So when you just said, I've got one from every talk show, that's not.

[Kevin Nealon]

A talk show, that's a morning show. I'll accept your apology. 2. You got two things wrong so far.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was the other thing?

[Kevin Nealon]

The number nine? Steve Martin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right, right, right. I've got all these notes.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what's the worst Fitzy is when something like that is on TV, people will text you, go, hey, man, that's B.S. that, you know, Bill Murray. You shouldn't have done that. I made me sad. I said, well, it didn't make me sad. Why you trying to make me sad? You know, you weren't, you weren't, your sketches weren't in, your characters weren't in the top 50 in rolling 150 rolling stone. Yeah, it bothers you more than bother me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

I never expected to be on that show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You were the longest running cast member in history at the time for a while.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And now people have been on it for like, you know, 20 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, Keenan has been on it for Keenan every time. And I keep hearing he's retired. And then you turn it on next season and he's back. I'll tell you what, the show is had a really good resurgence. There was a time after you guys left, after, you know, Sandler and everybody left that I felt like it really took a dive. And then the women bought it back. I feel like Amy Poehler and Tina Fey and there's a bunch of women that brought it back. And now I feel like there's a young cast now that's doing it in a way that is different. It's definitely more like clippable for the Internet. It's more, I think, relatable to younger people. I think they're smart. They're not trying to, they're still trying to bring in young people.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, no, I, I, I was there the other night. I'm looking at these, this cast member think they could be my grandchildren.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

But yet here I am still, you know, ambitious and trying to, you know, oh, I'm better than him or whatever. So it's, it's funny that way. It's just, it's just generational. It keeps moving along and you keep staying on your wave and you keep enjoying what you're doing.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And don't try to be, you know, the king of comedy right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because, you know, it's too late.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the thing is about you. Like, you've done it your own way. You've done stand, you've done standup, you've done acting, and you've got your podcast. And I feel like I never feel like you're chasing anything. I feel like you attract things to you. You know, you do a lot of films with. Are sandlers called films or movies?

[Kevin Nealon]

I believe they are called films.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They are, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Some people do call them movies, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like the difference between film and movie is the difference between comic and comedian. Like, I feel like comedian is to film what comic is to movie. Like, it's more broad. It's not as respected, but it's generally more accessible and.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. Well, let me ask you this. What is the difference between a legend and legendary? Legend and legendary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would say you and Jon Lovitz.

[Kevin Nealon]

Legend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're the legend.

[Kevin Nealon]

Or legendary is. You could be a legend. You have those qualities.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like legend ish.

[Kevin Nealon]

Sort of legendary.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I guess you'll never know if you're a legend or legendary until you die, and then you won't know.

[Unnamed Guest]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it's just about maybe remembering somebody for what they did.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But, you know, after a certain point, people forget.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's what I was just gonna say. Like, I've talked to people. I remember Louis CK Telling me about doing his specials, and he used the word legacy. He talked about his legacy, and I thought, what a crazy thing to be thinking about, you know?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's like. And good for him. It's just, It's a different way of looking at your career. Like, to me, I think I'm similar to you in the sense that I get a gig in Cincinnati for the week. I am all in on the gig in Cincinnati. That you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Nobody is more all in than you are for a gig. I see you post things. I see. I see you. When I come to this gig after you, it's like, oh, my God, that Fitzsimmons, man. He's really, really hungry and desperate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. The microphone is still sweaty when he left.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. No, but you do. You, you give it your all. I noticed that you don't phone it in, and I applaud you for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I thank you.

[Kevin Nealon]

I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I think I, I, I watch you and I see that you go, you know, you're on the road a lot. I'll read your schedule later. But, I mean, you hit the road hard, and then when you're in town, do you live down south or do you live in.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I live near ucla.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Yeah. And then you'll drive out to Pasadena to do a show for $50.

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really? 200?

[Kevin Nealon]

Did you get 50?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I get 50.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I got 50. Don't compare.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why I go out there anymore. I. I don't know if it was 50, maybe it was more. But you go out, you do my podcast. You don't need to do this, you don't need to do those spots, but you go out and, like, you still are as much in it as you've ever been.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I love stand up. It's all. The only reason I got into this was stand up. I love, you know, watching Albert Brooks and Steve Martin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Then Richard Pryor, and that's all I had my sights on. And then, you know, when you're in Hollywood for a while, you're doing these clubs and casting, people come in and yeah. All of a sudden you're in a, you know, you're in a. You're an acting class in la and, you know, a lot of them, one after another, learning how to work in front of a camera or do a cold reading. Yeah, but. But yeah, I always wanted stand up, so I don't. I love it. I never stopped doing. Except for the pandemic. Like a lot of people.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Maybe one or two parking lot stuff, but.

[Unnamed Guest]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's just in our blood.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't stop. And, you know, I do think about retiring at some point, but I think I.

[Kevin Nealon]

What is that? What's retiring?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, here's the thing. You think you're retired, and then someone goes, hey, you want to do a cruise ship to the Bahamas? Yeah, I'm 78, but it. Free trip. Yeah, I'll do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Babes, babes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then look at the wrinkles on her. They're really tight, that cellulite, man.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's looking pretty creamy, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I still got a little bit of my virginity left.

[Kevin Nealon]

I got some Caribbean virginity. You're just waiting to get out there, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll rub some lotion on that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now you're getting me worked up.

[Unnamed Guest]

Jesus.

[Kevin Nealon]

But yeah, I don't think I'll ever retire. I mean, I can never retire. I can't. Like, you know, people say this is my last tour. Yeah, I'm retiring. They never do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They never do. Ben, Jeff Garland has retired like three times. He has didn't come back yeah, he.

[Kevin Nealon]

Was never good at anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you can't retire unless people are going to notice.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, he's funny, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, Garland's very funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, he's funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's. Who do you like? That's like, more recent with standups.

[Kevin Nealon]

Recent. Boy, I do like Shane Gillis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, Shane Gillis is great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. My son loves him.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've watched the special a few times to see why he likes him, and I'm starting to get it. But I've always liked Tignataro.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Tig's great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Your style is just so funny and so unexpected. Oh, so unexpected. And, you know, she's not trying to be in your face. She's not trying to get that energy. And I listened to a tape of mine when I first started, and I was much more laid back. And then over the years, I think I. I learned that I have to be a little more energetic to grab the audience. And it's a real big difference. It's almost like playing, you know, an audible book at regular speed and then two times the speed.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right now. But, you know, people's voices also change. Like Howard Stern. Twenty years ago he was like, rick, hey, how you doing? So where'd he do that? And now it's like, so. So I saw you in this movie, you know.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's much more laid back and calmer.

[Unnamed Guest]

And yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think that he uses filters on the microphone because his voice is so much deeper now. I guess it also ages. I think your voice ages as you get older. But I find that if I. It's weird because I try to bring my energy up and I think about doing standup comedy, as you know is, there are thousands of decisions and adjustments that are made in. Even in a 15 minute set in terms of how fast you're talking, what volume you're at, how much you're moving. Who are you looking at? The crowd. Like there's all these adjustments. And the longer you do it and the more often you do it. And I think that's the key to why you still go out in town is it really is like going to the gym. And when you're at the gym a lot, you notice the details of what you're doing.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And also this is something I never am able to do. It's torture. Is to watch a tape of me doing stand up.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just recently, I realized how important that is, though.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because you see how you move on stage. You see how you hold the mic. You see how you could embellish. Jokes or add on to them, and you see what not to do, you know, even what you're wearing, you know, I shouldn't wear brighter colors or whatever, you know, So I think that's really important, and I've been doing that lately. And also because you want to post something. You know, the whole clip thing now.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Grad work. So you have to sit through it. Unless you pay somebody to do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you videotaping sets and cutting them up?

[Unnamed Guest]

Putting them up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

A lot of clubs have videotape.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, wait, I've seen. Yeah, yeah, I've seen you at the. I guess up at the Ice House. They must do. They record themselves and give it to you.

[Kevin Nealon]

You can see me doing the Heimlich maneuver up there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, that would have been your greatest. That would have been your greatest viral clip of all time. Crowd work giving Heimlich to a cancer victim. Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, so it's hard for me to watch myself and imagine being a porn star.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you think they watch themselves?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's a good question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, I could have arched my back a little bit more. Too much eye contact. You know, don't be so surprised when the guy shows up. It's just his friend.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think you're right.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

A born guy who can't watch himself.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I mean, it's. It's all part of the package, you know, you have to do it all. I just can't do everything that, you know, some of these comics are doing that they do everything they can. Nikki Glazer's great at it.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, it's just. It's just relentless.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean how hard you work to promote.

[Kevin Nealon]

Promote and post things and have stories.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And, you know, be on talk shows and all that stuff. It's a lot of work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's a lot of work. And it detracts from, you know, you. You've been dad for the last 17 years, 18 years. And, you know, there's choices you have to make at a certain point when you get home of, like, I can sit with my son and play guitar or just talk, or I can sit in the other room and cut up a video.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And look at myself and then post it and tag it. And then you're suddenly obsessed with checking how many likes it's getting. Then you're supposed to reply to people, and it's like, well, what's the payoff here? You know, if I get bigger, I'm just gonna have to keep. Because that shit has no momentum. If you don't keep feeding that machine, then it just comes straight back down again.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's just sad that you have to rely on how many followers you have.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, Jesus didn't worry about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, he did. He was all about his followers, but.

[Kevin Nealon]

He didn't keep track. Oh, I lost a Roman yesterday, you know, because of something I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I mean, I think it's like Hollywood. You really want the Jews following you like Jesus?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, but it's just sad when you have to do that. And I'm the same as you. I said I don't. I'd rather not have the followers, you know, it's not like I'm gonna fill arenas because I have like 2 million followers now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you know, but you do theaters, you do clubs.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I do both.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Corporate stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You do corporate stuff?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's what you got to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Too dirty.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you know, it's. I was with Alec Baldwin once and he was going talking about acting and stuff and directors. Oh, you know who you should work with? You know, Scorsese, you know, whatever the director's name was like. Yeah, you mean I have a choice who I want to work with?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, so you were shitting me by saying it's not even possible for me to do corporate dates?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no, you can do a corporate gate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm too dirty.

[Kevin Nealon]

Don't you have. Can you just stop saying the F word?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not really.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why do you have to resort to filth?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not just the cursing. It's also, I talk about sex, I talk about religion, I talk about politics a little bit.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why don't you talk about things that really matter?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So if you do a corporate date, you have to do an hour squeaky clean.

[Kevin Nealon]

An hour, like 45 minutes, 50 minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And how much do you make for something like that?

[Kevin Nealon]

Depends on the corporation.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Say it's a big one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I filled in for somebody a couple weeks ago. It was in Vegas.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I made a lot of money, more than I've ever made before for a stand up gig.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Six figures.

[Kevin Nealon]

Not that much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Five figures.

[Kevin Nealon]

40,000.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

40,000?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's pretty sweet times five. Plus, don't they fly you first class and put you in a nice hotel.

[Kevin Nealon]

Nice suite, and you're there alone and you're walking around, go. Man, I Wish I was 25, man, I have a party up here, you know, you got the bar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know it feels like a waste when you're in a room like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Dude, one time I was doing a gig in San Diego. At a comedy club there.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And they put you up across the street in a hotel. And this is in the gaslight district. So it gets loud at night, a lot of partying, and I go. They bring me to my suite. I swear to God. It's a king size bunk bed that's held up by chains, big black chains. And at the end of it is a stripper's pole. I swear to God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you're in your 60s going like, I don't know what, I'm there alone. I wish I had somebody with me.

[Kevin Nealon]

But yeah, that's the. What is the worst hotel you've been in? Experience?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, when I used to do college shows when I was in my 20s, I used to go out. I hosted a show on mtv. And so I used to get a lot of college dates where I would book like 10 shows in seven days where I do noon show in one school, nighttime show at the next school. And they would route me and. And the. They were never hotels. They were motels.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they were the kind of motels where.

[Kevin Nealon]

Motel fours at the time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Motel 6.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. One up to six over.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you were at the fours.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, Back then. Yeah, yeah, back then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, six was considerably better than the four.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then the cars would be backed up to your room because your room faced the parking lot. And then they start their cars and the exhaust would come under your door into the room. And I remember once they gave me the. The remote control for the TV had a block of wood chained to it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it had a fly swatter on the tv.

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. I remember when I was doing gigs early on, this is before there was like, cable channels and there. They had a. No, it was cable. It was a cable that went into the tv, but the porn channels were scrambled. And so a comedian taught me, if you take a key and you stick it in this round thing on the cable, you can take it off. And then you remove this. There was like a little washer and you put it back on and it would unscramble the porn channels. And it worked for years.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow. I've heard about all kinds of things for people have sex, but I've never heard of that before. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's. It's not easy. You. You and I have been around for a while.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you talk about getting older on stage?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I always find it funny when a comedian goes, I'm getting older. It's like, well, we literally are all getting older. I heard it's not a Premise.

[Kevin Nealon]

I heard Nate Bergazzi talk. He had, did a hunk about, oh man, I'm getting older. 40. 40. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now I see comics say it at 30, you know, it's like. But I talk about it. Yeah. I talk about erectile dysfunction.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I try not to talk about that getting older because then you set it in their mind. You go, oh, yeah, he's getting older. Unless it's a group of people that are your age. Like sometimes I'm always trying to get younger audiences and I'll be behind the curtain before the show and I'll look out and it's all gray haired people out of shape, wheelchairs. And I start thinking, oh my God, they're so old. And then I realize I'm older than they are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but you're not, you never will be. That's the thing about doing stand up. You just don't age. We're like, we're like Peter Pan. We just.

[Kevin Nealon]

Can you kids imagine being around other people where you were just, you know, retired from a corporate job? You had no stories about being on the road. I mean, you can never do that. And you do keep yourself young, I think, by staying engaged with going to these clubs and these younger comedians and.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Watching them and see how they work and just talking with them.

[Unnamed Guest]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

It keeps you young and. And your kids are too old now to keep you young.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I know, I know. They're. They like when I see them now, I realize I don't have. When they were young, I had a lot to offer them. And now your son's at the transition period where there's going to be a year or two from now where you go, like, he's not going to listen to anything I do in terms of directing them. They're not open to it anymore and they shouldn't be. They get to a certain age and they really have to go, I don't want to be told what to do. I want to pick my path. I want to feel empowered to pick my path.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's where my kids are at now.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he respects what we say and he considers it, but he's still, you know, or he'll give us the opportunity. I mean, he's a lot more advanced than I was at his age.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, he's a good debater because they have debate class at school and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you were a good masturbator, I think, when you were young.

[Kevin Nealon]

In my freshman year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. But as I got older that someone else won the Title. And that's. That's where I lost my virginity.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, they were masturbating you. Oh, yeah. That was what title.

[Kevin Nealon]

It can't be called masturbating if somebody else did. So anyway, yeah, I get it. I get the whole kid thing.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I see it coming. I see it coming.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Friend of mine said, when my son was younger, he goes, you know, when they turn 15, you're not their best buddy anymore. They'd rather be with their friends.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it's like, oh, my God.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's nice is I play golf with my son and I play paddle tennis with him. I think sports is a great way for fathers. Do you guys play sports at all?

[Kevin Nealon]

Not too much. I was just thinking the other day, I thought, man, we never had a house that had a flat driveway to put a basketball hoop in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And, you know, I throw the ball around with him. I used to practice soccer with him because he's really good. He's like a really good athlete, but he's so caring. He started playing the little league, you know, semi softball, and he was the pitcher. He was the best pitcher on the team. He pitched all the time. He got good hits. And he stopped playing for two reasons. One, he didn't want to disappoint the coach or the parents that were watching if he made a mistake.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

The other reason he stopped playing was because it was time to step up to the next league, pony league or whatever, where they used a really hard ball, all hard. And we're watching from the dugout, these kids that are 10 or whatever, 11, pitching like they're pros, but they have no accuracy, and they're wild and batter after batter getting hit, and they're carrying them off the field. And. And my son looks at me, goes, I don't think I want to play this game anymore. I said, I don't blame you, buddy. Let's go. But we do play ping pong a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What about golf? You golf?

[Kevin Nealon]

I golf a little bit. But he never wanted to golf until recently when his friend started golfing.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

He goes, dad, I think I want to golf.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

He calls me Kev.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, he doesn't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, he does.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

I said, can you. Can you just call me dad? It's something about dad. He doesn't want to call me Dad. I said, I kind of earned that, you know, it makes me feel so good when you say dad or Daddy. Yeah. And so he stopped using the cab, and now he calls me father.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

He thinks I'M a priest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I think you should get into golf with him because that's something you can do for the rest of your life.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, that's on our. That's on our bucket list. He. As soon as he gets time, he's. He's so studious. It's like he comes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's a senior in high school, but.

[Kevin Nealon]

We want to go to the driving range and hit some balls. I think he needs to take lessons, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you think you can give him lessons?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. First of all, my wife or my son will not take lessons from me or take my advice.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, if I. Let's say my wife is going to therapy, and I'll say, hon, you know, maybe if we didn't do this and we thought about that, whatever. She goes, no, no, no, no. And then she goes to the therapist. Therapist goes, maybe you should do this. And then she goes, oh, that's a good idea. What'd I just say? What I said. Or, you know, if I'm trying to show them how to golf, the stance is on. No, no, no, no. But if I hire a teacher, he'll listen to me, right? To them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So, I mean, that's just the family dynamics, I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We went to a couple therapists when we turned 40 just because we'd never. We've been married 25 years, and I really am, like, blessed with the best woman I could ever imagine is my wife.

[Kevin Nealon]

You've been married now 25 years?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

25 years. And like, she just came to Vegas for the weekend, and it was like we were in love, really.

[Kevin Nealon]

You were working in Vegas?

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brad Garrett's club.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you know Brad?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's a beautiful. Oh, yeah, I know Brad. Brad and I. Here's the craziest story. I think he put it in his book. For some reason, we were working together. I don't know if we were co. Headlining somewhere in Oklahoma City.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you fly in, and the first thing you do then is you go to the club and you check in with the club, and we go into the reception where the girl's working behind the desk. And we're there like at three in the afternoon, and we walk in there and she goes, oh, are you guys from the AC company air conditioning units? I said, yeah, show us where the problem is. Without a beat, we start tearing down the tiles on the wall. We're standing on her desk. We're saying. We say, this is not gonna be. We're gonna need three days on this. No, no, we Have a show tonight. Really? Who's. Who's playing? Brad Gursky and Kevin Nelson. Never heard of them. Bobby, get me my ratchet wrench. Let's take this duck out of here. And there's, you know, asbestos falling down. So Brad and I, yeah, we go way back. He's so funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Does a great Jackie Gleason.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, he does great Jackie Gleason.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's like the modern day Don Rickles.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's what his act is. Yeah. He was on the shows with me this week. He would emcee the show and he would go out, he would say to people, he would talk to a black guy and he would do like a 70s kind of shuck and jive black guy voice. It was crazy. There's a. There's a. A Latina guy in the front and his. His. His jeans are ripped. And he goes, where'd you get that from? Climbing over the fence? I mean, he goes. He goes hard. And he gets away with it because he's so charming.

[Kevin Nealon]

And there's a lot of comics like that are charming and they get away with a lot of stuff.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, I mean, Dom still gets away with crazy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Dom does?

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. He's really out there. But also people like, you know, well, you know, Anthony Jezel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, the stuff he gets away with.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God. And someone like Chappelle.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yep.

[Kevin Nealon]

Gets away with stuff. And I don't know, like you or I did something like that, we be canceled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's just. And you can't force that. You either have that ability to get that across or you don't. And if you don't, it's like. I think somebody once said, well, why is. Why is it when one people, one person says something, it's offensive and what somebody else does, it's fine. And they said because it's funny, they make it funny. You can't quantify that. You just got to say, are people laughing at it? Then it worked.

[Kevin Nealon]

Does your wife come to see you perform?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Very rarely.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. When she was in Vegas. She didn't come to the show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She came to one show.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just to see Brad. Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

And then she left?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, she stuck around for me. But, you know, I do a St. Patrick's Day show. You've done my St. Patrick's Day show? Yeah, I do it every year. And she comes to that because that's the one. Anytime people in LA go, oh, I want to come out and see you, they always think like that. I'm just starting out, and I need to fill the club.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I never want anybody to come see me because I don't want to worry about putting them on the guest list. And then I'm about to go on, and I get a text that we're not on the list. Or.

[Kevin Nealon]

My biggest pet peeve is that when I was on snl, I'm supposed to be working on my lines.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Et cetera. Then, hey, we're down in the lobby. They don't seem to have our name. Yeah, I'll be right back. You know, and then you do that. And then they want to go to the party afterwards, the after party, and that's the last thing I want to do. I want to go home, and so I can have Sunday off for myself.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But they want to go and sit at a table like this, and we order drinks, and they charge us for the drinks, and they just gawking at everybody. Introduce me to so and so, you know? So. Yeah. So my wife and kid, they don't like to come to my shows because they get really nervous. They do because they love me so much. They don't want me to do poorly. And my wife came to a show once at the Comedy Magic Club when she was pregnant. Hormones were on fire, and I got on and some guy walked by her and goes, this guy's not funny. No. And to this day, it's traumatized. So she doesn't want to have that happen again.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I said, baby, that happens all the time with you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, definitely.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, totally, man. So anyway. Yeah. So my son doesn't. And also they think I might say something that'll get me canceled.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm like the last guy to say something to get canceled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's not true.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, you say. I've seen you say things to audience members that are kind of edgy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. But I get away with it. Why?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because it's funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

Charming.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But so anyway, so I have everybody come once a year to the St. Patrick's Day show, and that's it. I get it all out of the way one night, and that's the one my wife comes to.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Do you get hammered? I know you're an alcoholic, right?

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I stopped drinking.

[Kevin Nealon]

Did you go to the program?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A little bit.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you're kind of an alcoholic?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I only drank one night in 35 years.

[Kevin Nealon]

And what happened?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was Kevin Meaney's funeral, and he was one of my best friends in the world.

[Kevin Nealon]

I didn't Know that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I spoke at it. And then everybody was drinking. All these comics and his family, and, you know, his daughter is my goddaughter, and everybody was just shit faced. And I just. I was back at my sister's house and she had me sleeping in her bonus room, which has a bar in it that's a bonus. And I started. I started guzzling scotch. Oh, my Chivas Regal.

[Kevin Nealon]

I can't even take. I can't even put scotch in my mouth. It's so strong. Yeah, Yeah. I loved Kevin Meaney. You know, he had that big closer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, historically one of the most consistent kill bits of all time.

[Kevin Nealon]

He'd still be doing that today.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, if he were alive.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you knew him well, huh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, we grew up one town away from each other in New York, New York. But then we both did comedy in Boston. And then he was very big. By the time I started comedy, he had just gotten big. And then my father knew him when he was a waiter. My. He was a waiter at a golf course that my dad belonged to in White Plains, New York. And so Kevin wanted to be a comedian. My father got him on stage. He was friends with the owner of Catch a Rising Star, Rick Newman. So he got him into Catch Rising Star his first time. And so my father told me to look him up if I ever saw him because I started doing it in college. And then he just like, mentored me. And then that turned into a friendship and that turned into like. He was in my wedding party, I was in his wedding party, and we talked on the phone.

[Kevin Nealon]

How long was he married?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Probably 10, 12 years. And then she found out he was gay and that. I think that worked against the marriage.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wait a minute. She found out he was gay? He didn't tell her?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Well, he was on Broadway at the time dressed as a woman.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, that's. Yeah. I could see at that time someone like Kevin Meaney who's, you know, you just don't. It's not a stereotypical gay person.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

Say that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

Nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you're going to get canceled for that now. I think it was raised very Irish Catholic, and I think he was afraid of how his parents would take it, which when he finally came out at 50, like, they were totally fine with it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Because he had the kids. He's been married to a woman.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And guess who he married? My next door neighbor who used to be my babysitter.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't that crazy?

[Kevin Nealon]

What did she charge an Hour now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When she babysits me, it's like 150.

[Kevin Nealon]

She still babysit?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We call it babysitting, but it's just.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's just to keep you company.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's an hourly wage.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Your kids are in their 30s, is that right? How old are your kids? 25. 24.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stop it. 21 and 24. And they're gonna perform at my St. Patrick's Day party this year. They're gonna.

[Kevin Nealon]

Comedians?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, they're gonna play music. They both play guitar, and my daughter plays the flute, and they're gonna play Irish traditional music.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna play some harmonica.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's great, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

[Kevin Nealon]

You'll all be drinking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They will be.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you been Ireland lately?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, last summer.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was there around then, too. I was there. Paul Reiser was shooting a movie that he wrote over there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And I just hung out with him for a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Were you in the movie?

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why didn't he put you in the movie?

[Kevin Nealon]

Because he had already written it and was always shooting it. I just came out to do some fundraiser game show. Oh, there. And Dublin. Yeah, Dublin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Kevin Nealon]

Can you do an Irish accent?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ah, yeah. What county do you want me to be talking about?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's not the fruit loop or whatever it is. Oh, the Irish bird. You know, the two Cat? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, down in Cork, they sound like. Well, what about you, boy? What are you doing then?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's always there.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where are you there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, where are you there? Yeah, but I like. I like. Instead of saying, how are you? What about you?

[Kevin Nealon]

Is that what they say?

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

What about you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What about you?

[Kevin Nealon]

I want to learn a dialect. Yeah, I should learn Irish, I guess, because I'm from Ireland. My parents are. Are my ancestors. Are. I have my. My Irish passport, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know that we talked about that last time you were on the show.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm still waiting for an offer from you to buy it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm gonna get my own. My grandparents are from Ireland also.

[Kevin Nealon]

What are you waiting for?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got the paperwork. I just need to send it. My wife's got it. She's. She's got both.

[Kevin Nealon]

Can you stay in Ireland if she just has passport? You can stay with her as long as you want.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really? So my wife can do that too, right? Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But when you talk about dialects, what's funny is that if you do Irish. Haley. Haley. You can even blow it up and be silly. Yeah, Italian. That's the matter for you. Can't do Chinese. Why can't you do Chinese?

[Kevin Nealon]

Because they never yell. It's always very. I can't even. I don't even want do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, that's Chinese. I'll tell you why. I dated a Chinese girl for six months and she taught me that. So those are real words there. Well, I knee.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does that mean leave the house?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, means get off of me or you'll be canceled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can. You can't do Chinese. What else can't you do?

[Kevin Nealon]

Why can't you do Chinese?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. I think it's the only race you can't do. I mean, you can do. You know. Hey, what are we doing now, man?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, you can't do the. The Mexican. No, no, you can't try to. Unless you do it spot on. Otherwise you're making fun of them. It's got to be perfect.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could do Q. Like we can all do Cuban because of Tony Montana.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, but he got canceled. He did get canceled for doing that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Kevin Nealon]

By the NRA and also by the Cuban ministry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let me get to fast fastballs with fits before you get out of here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You ready?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I'm always ready.

[Unnamed Guest]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you know what I ask you? Who's Trish Morris? You were campaigning for her for something on your Instagram.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Twitter. And I couldn't figure out her.

[Kevin Nealon]

She was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was running for something?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, she was entered a game show kind of a thing online and she wanted me to post it. That she needs votes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who is she?

[Kevin Nealon]

She's a woman I met. I do some. A friend of mine is Reggie Bibbs and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fifth football player.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, he's a buddy of mine who has neurofibromatosis. You know what that is? Big tumors, eye sinks down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I think I saw a picture of him. He's black guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. So she was working with him, helping him through some stuff, and we did a fundraiser for him. And so she is within that camp. So she saw how great we did a fundraiser for Reggie Bibbs. So I guess she was doing some kind of a game thing that she wanted me to get her name out there and vote for her. What's your next question?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great story. I feel like we started really strong on this.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I'm not finished. If I could finish the story, maybe you'd be serious. That it was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what my favorite thing is? You ever did I saw you in. In Vegas and we were at the Baggage carousel. And we just. We're both coming in different flights, going to different gigs, but we saw each other at the baggage carousel. And I said. I said, hey, man. We said, hello. And then we're talking. In the middle of talking, you were drinking. You had a cup with a straw in it of soda, and you finished it and then you just flipped it up. And all these people notice you and they're all looking and you just flipped it up on the ground. You just kept on talking and it landed on the ground and you just ignored it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, man, that's my luggage rack humor right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you gotta have a bit for the luggage carousel. All right. Have you ever played guitar on stage? I know you play guitar during your comedy.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the guitar. When I first started off, I had a guitar and I would do a song called Surfing in Malibu. I go surfing in Malibu, Surfing in Malibu. And then I take a glass of water and throw it on the guitar. And then later I write it. It was all Gong show kind of comedy. Later I'd come out and say, here's a little song I wrote while I was up in Alaska surfing in Alaska surfing. And I think of ice cube, a couple of ice cubes and throw it on the. I kept that guitar with me. Eventually the neck warped. It looked like a bow and ARR.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you had to give up the bit.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did do a banjo bit that I like lately. Recently. Haven't done it a while. But I talk about how I. I know how to play the banjo. And I've been playing since I was 18.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. But I only played in my room. I never played with other people. And even in my room, my parents would say it's too loud. You know, they hate the banjo because it's so annoying to everybody. So I. I would have to play really softly, you know, like really soft. And so. But now I'm out performing and. Would you like to hear a song? And it's really soft. I start stopping my foot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good. All right, here's the fast. Those are just random questions. Here is the fast. Who is your best male friend?

[Kevin Nealon]

Best male friend?

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think maybe it used to be Gary Shandling, probably, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. He was a good friend. I don't really have a best one. I haven't. I haven't taken the survey of that top 50 of my best friends. But there's a couple. There's a couple writer friend of mine who I started off doing stand up comedy with my favorite Joke of his was this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tell me his name.

[Kevin Nealon]

Dave Merkin.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Another his joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I've heard of this guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Merkin. Yeah. Because I remember the name Merck.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. So he's been a writer on the Simpsons for years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So his joke is this. Is it just me or is everyone cough. Is it just me or has everyone woken up this morning coughing blood?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What about Kirk Fox is here?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. He's a good friend of mine, Mike. Mike Brown, lives out in Camarillo. Was just a normal guy of mine. We wrote jokes together. Got me on the Tonight show for the first time. Wow. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you know what? I am really my best friend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus Christ. We can cut that, right? Who's the worst feature act or opening act that's gone on ahead of you? Like you go to a town, they've got the local. Do you bring a feature on the road?

[Kevin Nealon]

Sometimes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But if you don't, let's say if I give you somebody who was the worst and not their name, just describe them.

[Kevin Nealon]

The worst for me is somebody who does maybe five or six of the areas I was going to talk about.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Or they talk to the crowd and just burn them out.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's mine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. So you're not going to name someone?

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't remember their names.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I don't know if this is like a story. A lot of times people have a story about a guy who lit a fire rock to firecracker out of his ass.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I will tell you this. I was in a. Working in Bridgeport, my hometown.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The stress factory.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And it was a Saturday, and I just finished the first show and I go back into the green room and all of a sudden I hear a stampede of people running by and screaming. And I come out, I go, what's going on? And this woman's getting trampled. She's on the ground, you know, she's getting trampled. I said, what's going on? And Chappelle's next door. No, it was a. It was a guy goes active shooter in the room. I was no active shooter. So people panicked. The room afterwards looked like the Titanic. The tables are flipped over. There's broken glass everywhere. It was really crazy.

[Unnamed Guest]

Really.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I don't even think that's true. So I'm just walking out. You know, they're all running and I'm not panicked at all. And I thought, well, just to be on the safe side, there's a big garage parking structure next in the back.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I go down the ramp and there's a Big metal dumpster there. So I go around behind the dumpster, and the bartender's back there, you know, she's about to crawl into the dumpster with all the garbage. I said, don't go yet. Well, let's wait a little bit. Otherwise you got a shower afterwards and all that. But it turned out to be it was just the guy across the street on the other side who was outside shooting off a gun with his buddy. I don't know what they were doing, but, you know, people are on such edge. Somebody in the club goes, active shooter. Yeah, you heard the pop, pop, pop.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, that happened to me once. I was in Brooklyn, and I was getting off the subway, and somebody thought there was a shooter. I think there was maybe a thousand people started running for the stairs at the same time. And people literally were getting trampled. People were slamming into each other. People were punching each other. And you couldn't move. Like it wasn't moving. And Pete. And the screaming was crazy. And it went on. It took me 10 minutes to get up to the street from the bottom of the stairs.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's worse than yelling fire.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

In a theater, right? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Bridgeport's become a very tough town. I don't know how it was.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, it was really tough when I was there. And then it got really nice. They cleaned it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. And then it got bad again.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it bad again?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's bad. Are you kidding me?

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it that bad?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're kidding, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bridgeport is one of the worst cities I've been in. 10 years.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was there 10 months ago. And look clean. I thought, this is much better than when I was here. Maybe it's the people. Are you kidding?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really do that.

[Kevin Nealon]

These are riveting questions, by the way, so far.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, this one's going to be better. Have you ever not finished a set on stage?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes. Yes. Not that often, though. I was working at Caesars up in Lake Tahoe. I was opening up for the Pointer Sisters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it's New Year's Eve. They added a show, and the stage manager, the guys running the show goes, do exactly what you've been doing since you've been here. Do eight minutes and then wrap it up. Yeah, just do eight minutes. I said, okay, New Year's Eve. I didn't know that half of the. They were all, like $20,000 and over losers at the. You know, at the machines. And also half of them didn't speak English. And they gave.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They speak Asian.

[Kevin Nealon]

They gave every single one of them A noisemaker. I didn't know that. So I'm on for maybe three minutes. And I hear. And then before you know it. It sound like a flock of geese flying through the room. Everybody. And after maybe six minutes, I say, you guys are great. You're gonna love the Pointer Sisters. Thanks for coming out. Happy New Year. And I left and I got behind the curtain. Usually the Pointer Sisters are always. They're ready to go. They're on their little platforms, platform shoes. And when I came back, they go, hey, Kevin. Hey, Kim. You know, I couldn't see them. I just heard the voice. Hey, Bam. It's all dark back there. And then. So now I'm finished early. And they heard that I'm finished, and they come running down their little steps with their platform shoes. What happened? What happened? I said, nothing. It's a great crowd. You're gonna love them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the stage manager's pulling the curtains and stuff. Music. He goes, you put me in a world of trouble. You put me. Sorry, man. You put me in the world of trouble.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You handed out noise makers. Oh, my God. That's crazy.

[Kevin Nealon]

So that I did not finish that set. But I can't think of another time I did not finish a set. How about you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, once I was doing. I was opening up. It was another thing. Whereas it's always when you're opening for somebody big because they're not there to see you. And I was. It was at Kent State University, and it was a daytime. One of those daytime college parties where they've got kegs all over the place and, you know, Everybody's shitfaced by 3:00. And now it's like 5:00 and outdoor stage, and I'm opening for they Might Be Giants. You know them.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I go, turns out they were giants. They were. I was a little person and they were a giant. And I walk out on stage and nobody's even near the stage. I'm just performing for nobody. And then the people started to collect a little bit. And then this person was heckling me, and so, you know, I kind of shit on them.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

30 seconds later, I get hit in the chest with an apple.

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I just instantly went, thanks very much. You guys gonna. That's my line. I mean, if I get hit by something and there's no security, there's nobody working the gig, Right. And so I just said to have a great day, everybody. And I just walked off stage.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I had a bottle thrown at me in Tulsa once from the stage from the manager of the club. The lights went out for a second. He threw a bottle up on stage because he's a wise guy, really funny. But I'll tell you the other time that I did not finish my set. I was just starting out. They had an open mic night at this deli out in the Valley called the Deli Smoker.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it has sawdust on the floor and booths. It was not set up for a show at all.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, there'd be a booth where people weren't even facing you. And you come out there, the mic stand is in a little closet. You take it out. There's a little about the size of this table stage, about maybe that high. And there may be a little light on you. And then there could be like three people in the booth. They don't even know there's going to be a show going on.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And they're eating their corned beef sandwich and you start the show and they're not even facing you. Like, you're over there, and they're like, you know, and. And one night I was there. There's just one booth. And they got up and left. So nobody was in the room, just me and the sawdust.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's hilarious. Yeah, I think. I think that used to happen at Dangerfield. I don't know if you ever used to work Dangerfields. I never did, but my understanding was they would do a show during. During, you know, from 7:00 until 2 in the morning. And they would have five comedians and you would do 15 minutes and then you had an hour and you had an hour off and then you went back up again and it was just a circle and they didn't do good business. And so sometimes if it was your 15 minutes and there was nobody in the audience, you had to stay on stage and you had to keep talking because if a couple came in, they wanted a show to be going on.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like an apple store when the guys are teaching you the apple stuff and nobody's paying attention. They're talking like you're riveted to the screen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, final question. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done, not including the throwing ice at a guitar?

[Kevin Nealon]

The hackiest bit.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pretty deep catalog.

[Kevin Nealon]

The hackiest thing I've ever done. Gee, you would have to tell me that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, come on.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hacky stuff. I can't really think of anything hacky. Oh. When I first started, it was, oh, yeah, yeah. My first jokes were like, yeah, I live in a really small apartment. It's over a telephone booth or, you know, I live in. You know, there's a lot of like, bad people in my neighborhood, but. But they're kind of nice in a way. Like, I came home and somebody stole all my tires. It was like about four cinder blocks. My car was on four cinder blocks. No, no wheels. I went into the trunk to get my spare tire gone. But there's a spare cinder block, spinner block back there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's not arguing. That's funny. Yeah. I guess I shouldn't ask you that question because you're just genuinely not a hack. But you will be coming on stage. First of all, watch Hiking with Kevin Nealon.

[Kevin Nealon]

YouTube. Thank you. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The book is called I Exaggerate, which you came on and promoted last time you were on. And it's caricatures that you've done that is. It's world class. It's as good as any caricatures I've ever seen. And they're people that I've. I care deeply about. It's people, comedians and actors and caricatures of them. Caricatures of them.

[Kevin Nealon]

And on the opposite page, a little anecdote about my experience with that person or if I didn't know them, like Freddie Mercury. Mercury. It'd be musing about going to concerts right back in the 70s.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's great. Tour dates coming up. Boca Raton, Florida, February 25th and 26th. Sumterville, February 27th. Tampa. Is that side splitters?

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

March 28th through the 31st. I think it's side splitters. Maybe just top three clubs in the country as far as I'm concerned.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Key west on March 2, Hermosa March 6. San Antonio, Batavia, Illinois. Steamboat, Colorado. Beaver Creek, Basalt, Boulder. No, no, no, Wait till you get to this. Rochester, Naples, Buffalo. It goes on and on. Kevin Nealon.com get yourself some tickets, come out and see somebody who I consider to be one of the best people in the country doing stand up comedy right now.

[Kevin Nealon]

And one other thing you're missing. One other thing you're missing. Yeah, we just Myself, executive producer with my wife and a bunch of other people. Brandi Carlisle, Sara Bareilles, Glennon Doyle. We are all executive Tig Notaro executive producers on a document. Document. Document.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Terry.

[Kevin Nealon]

Documentary. Documentary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Documentary.

[Kevin Nealon]

Docu. Docu. Terry. Oh, my God, I'm losing it, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Documentary, documentary. Yeah, yeah, it's hard. It's hard.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's about this couple, these two women that are in love. And they're both poets. One of them is a poet laureate, and she's been found out that she has incurable cancer, so stage four. So it's about living in the moment. And. And it's got a lot of humor in it, too, unexpectedly. And it won best favorite film at the Sundance a couple weeks ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get out of here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you serious?

[Kevin Nealon]

We're excited about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, that's amazing.

[Kevin Nealon]

High five.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

High five.

[Kevin Nealon]

That high Who?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Tig is.

[Kevin Nealon]

Tigaro is the producer. No, she's in it briefly. Just introducing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who are the main characters?

[Kevin Nealon]

Andrea Gibson.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. And Megan Fowley.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. That's so cool.

[Kevin Nealon]

Anyway, it's really interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where can people see.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, they're getting a distributor for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, so now you definitely will get a distribution deal because of the award.

[Kevin Nealon]

Seems likely. Wow. But you never know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You gonna make some money off of this?

[Kevin Nealon]

Not likely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, probably. Did you put money in?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's why we're eps.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

We're just investors, but it was really creative the way we did it. Yeah. Yeah, we did. We wired the money. See, that's the creative input we had on that film.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, go see it. Kevin, thank you for your final appearance on Fitz Dog Radio.

[Kevin Nealon]

For now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For now.

[Kevin Nealon]

For now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thank you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank you, Greg.

[Unnamed Guest]

Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a Craig or Grape Fitzsimmons. Just say Fitzsimmons.

[Kevin Nealon]

Fitzy.

[Unnamed Guest]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fitzy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Fitz.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fitz Dog.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right, man.

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