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- [00:00]
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- [00:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Hi, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. It's Greg Fitzsimmons. We're just a week out from Columbus Day, Indigenous People Day, so I don't know what that means.
- [00:50]
Kira Sultanovic
I don't.
- [00:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
When does the weekend end for me? I have no difference. I do. I work on the weekends. Generally I work during the week. I work seven days a week. I'm either putting a podcast, doing stand up comedy, traveling, responding to social media, putting out videos, doing other people's podcasts. It's fucking relentless. And this weekend I just crashed out. I just watched sports for two days. I watched the Mets. Great fucking series going on with the Mets and the Phillies. Right now the Dodgers are playing the Padres. I watched a lot of football. I watched the Rams almost do it. Anyway, what are you gonna say? What are you gonna say about sports that hasn't already been said? I'm not your sports guy. I'm just the guy. I'm a guy wearing the South African rugby hat. The Springboks. Going to South Africa for Christmas this year with my whole family and my wife's brother, sister, cousins, mother. Everybody's going to South Africa. We're going for like two and a half weeks. Safaris, Cape Town. It's going to be insane. So looking forward to that. Anybody who has some suggestions about what to do in Cape Town, hit me up. Restaurants, parks, whatever. Up for everything. I think we're going to hike Table Mountain because my knee is good. My knee. I got an MRI to see if I have a meniscus problem. I'll get the results today. Shoulder surgery was last week. I have not been able to lift my shoulder above here. If you're just listening and not watching. About 30 degrees up, I can now raise it completely above my head. Miracle surgery. Gotta thank the folks over at UCLA. Forget the guy's name. Smith. Dr. Smith. We went walking yesterday. Me and the wife went down to Marina Del Rey. We're walking around the docks in the marina, living, looking at the boats, looking at the. The sea lions smell bad. When you got sea lions is a Bad smell. That's a. That's a given. And then there was this setup. There's this kind of concert area, and it was set up with a bunch of people. It was like a community bongo, tambourine, drum circle setup, and there was only two people playing drums. And they invited us in to join in, and you could play any instrument and just jam with them.
- [03:41]
Kira Sultanovic
And I didn't.
- [03:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And it bothered me for the rest of the day. I was like, what happened to me? Where's my spontaneity? Like, I almost want to get a tattoo that says, yes. Say fucking yes to everything. Me and Annie Letterman took a walk yesterday by Venice Beach. They were having some kind of, like, a Coachella situation at Venice beach that was starting a few hours later. I didn't go back and go to that, what the fuck am I doing? I need to get out. I need to have some adventures. I was doing that all year. And then I just have gotten so caught up with the stress of putting out this special, and I need to detach and have some fun again. Who wants to have some fun? I want to get a mountain bike, start mountain biking. Uh, I want to go to the horse track, bet on some races. I don't know what else. I talked to my wife about us becoming fluid, gender fluid. She didn't seem interested. Her cousin. I just finished a book by her cousin. Rachel Kushner has a new novel out. It's called Creation Lake. It's incredible. It's one of the best novels I've read in the last 10 years, and it's actually on the short list for the Booker Prize. If you don't know about literature, the Booker Prize is the. There's the Pulitzer Prize, and there's the Booker Prize. And the Booker Prize is one of the most prestigious things a writer can win, and she is in the top six books, I think they announced next month who won it. But it's. It's a huge honor. She's been on the Booker prize list before. 4. We're hoping she wins it, but pick it up. It's a great kind of a little bit of a spy novel, but just incredible language, great ideas. Check it out. In the meantime, there's a lot of misinformation being spread right now about a lot of things, but going into the election, keep your ears and eyes open. Don't go in on stories just because you're hearing them said again and again. That's an old playbook. You know, they're saying now that Biden is not giving money to FEMA victims in Florida because it's all going to illegal. It's. That's all been debunked. Look it up and just be wary because 30% of all the comments and posts on social media related to politics, they just did a study. Are coming from China and Russia and North Korea. So just be wary, people. I'm not telling you who to vote for, but just don't get caught up in these fad stories that pop up out of nowhere and feel a little conspiratorial if they don't make sense out of the gate. Just research them a little bit. Um, yeah, that's all. I mean, the rest of the world doesn't like us. You've read about those. The Lebanese pagers exploding, you know, Israel wiring the Lebanese pagers to explode. And I just thought to myself, thank God all of our electronics aren't being produced by our enemy. I mean, how long until this laptop, halfway through a podcast, burst into flame? Probably my highest rated podcast. It's all anybody cares about. Destruction. Um, speaking of destruction, I'm gonna be destroying in these states. Coming up. Tulsa, OKLAHOMA, this weekend, October 10th through the 12th at Bricktown Comedy Club, Kansas City. Funny bone next week, October 18th and 19th. Helium and Philly, November 7th through the 9th. Then I'm coming to Tacoma, Tempe, San Francisco, Cleveland, Atlanta, janesville. Get on fitzdog.com get yourself some tickets, come out and see some live comedy. Also very excited to announce the special. Just hit 400,000 views, which is again a tribute to you guys. I know that the main support for this special has come from the listeners of this podcast and Sunday papers and Childish and the comments that you leave, help with the algorithm. Thank you for all the generous donations, all of it. It's been incredible. It's going to been a great month and I did not expect to be this far along after a month. So God bless. And also God bless my bookie. Support for Fitz Dog Radio comes from my bookie. It's really fun. Look, my bookie is a great way to bet because you can do it anywhere. Like, you know, I've got an hour to kill between physical therapy and meeting my son for lunch. I can sit in my car and I can get on my bookie and I can get really excited about a lot of different kinds of bets. Underdog, upset, backdoor coverage, shootout. I mean, there's so many cool ways to bet. And like this weekend I had a bunch of bets going and it made me glued to the tv. I. I always love Watching sports. But when I'm involved with some bets and obviously in a healthy way, don't get out of control people. But with my bookie, you're cashing in on risk free bets. There's thousands of cash prizes, epic rewards every week and you can bet on any game anytime. Click my Link or visit MyBookie AG. Use promo code Fitz F I T Z to get a head start. It's their 10th anniversary, so they are doing things that don't even make sense. They've got a thing called risk free Thursdays. And if your boosted bet doesn't hit, you get your money back. I mean why? Where's the downside there? Weekly, no sweat win win bets all season long. So sign up now at MyBookie AG. Use promo code Fitz. That's F I T Z to cash in on double deposit bonus. You can literally double the cash in your account before you even place your first bet. But don't wait on it. It's only gonna be for a limited time. Turn that football knowledge into big time payouts with my bookie. And if you've been playing for a while, they got something for you. Brand new loyalty rewards program in my bookie. Plus simple. The more you play, the more you earn. You progress through tiers, exclusive promotions. So make your football season a winning season. With my bookie. Don't do what I did last week. Do not bet on the Rams. Just don't do it. Took it as a straight up bet. Broke my heart again. And if you bet on against the Giants, which would be your instinct, you, you lost there too. But 49ers, oh, that one really hurt. I luckily bet against the 49ers, so I won some money. Anyway, whatever. Get involved with my bookie. So.
- [11:10]
Kira Sultanovic
I want to welcome my guest, the great Hira Sultanovic who you know from so many. You're, you're like, you're like me. Just kept showing up. Kept showing up, you know, that's the.
- [11:24]
Adam Carolla
Way you want to put it.
- [11:26]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, just the Tonight show and I mean we did this show called how to be a grown up, you know that went on for two or three seasons. We just, we just were journeymen. It's like we're union workers. We get a lunch pail, we go to work.
- [11:46]
Adam Carolla
Listen, I feel like we are the blue collar workers of the standup circuits.
- [11:57]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes.
- [11:57]
Adam Carolla
Because the thing is you'll get a fancy writing job, you know what I mean? And once in a while I'll get lucky and I'll get like a fancy schmancy Job.
- [12:05]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [12:06]
Adam Carolla
And then it's over. And we're like, all right, I'm ready for the next one. And they're like, nope. You're going to Albuquerque.
- [12:11]
Kira Sultanovic
You're going to the funny Chuckle Uncle Nasty on the Jersey shore in July, and you're not going to be able to park because there's going to be a lot of Italian people. So you're going to take an Uber to three blocks away.
- [12:26]
Adam Carolla
They don't have waitresses. Everyone just brings their own beer and wine so they can drink however much they want because they don't have a liquor license. It's just pizza, really. It's just a pizza restaurant on the shore.
- [12:39]
Kira Sultanovic
It's a. It's a. You. You're a waiter in a pizza restaurant who's funny. And then if you want to sell your merch after the show, feel free to set it up at the table by the door. But just know they're gonna steal a lot of it.
- [12:53]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So we are that. And either it's a. Because we just love it so much, we're not gonna ever give up. Ain't nothing gonna break my stride. Or we have no other skills.
- [13:07]
Kira Sultanovic
We have no other skills.
- [13:08]
Adam Carolla
We have no other skills.
- [13:11]
Kira Sultanovic
You have so few skills that. First of all, thanks for doing this last minute. I. I had two other podcasts lined up for today that both canceled. And then I've been meaning to get you on for so long, and you were the first name that popped in my head. I texted you 30 seconds later, you're like, what time? And you're here, so thank you.
- [13:33]
Adam Carolla
I love being people's third choice.
- [13:35]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes.
- [13:36]
Adam Carolla
I really do. No, no, it. Honestly, I'm being honest. It really. At least you're thinking of me.
- [13:43]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes.
- [13:44]
Adam Carolla
I'm somewhere on the list. What?
- [13:47]
Kira Sultanovic
I think of you a lot. I think about you as. There's two people in this country that I think should be super famous because I think that they have. They have it. They have the magic thing that when you watch them on stage, you sit and you watch and you actually, as a comic, laugh out loud. And you're one of those people. And there's only one other person that I feel like I don't understand why they're not just, you know, selling out arenas.
- [14:18]
Adam Carolla
Well, the manager I'm with right now, the first day I met with him, he goes, why aren't you more famous? And it's like. And now I've been with him for two years.
- [14:33]
Kira Sultanovic
Are you more famous now than you were before?
- [14:38]
Adam Carolla
When people say that I'M not saying this to, towards you at all because I know you love me and I love you, but I did have a woman come up to me a few weeks ago at a club and she goes, why aren't you more famous? And I said, why aren't you better looking?
- [14:53]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes, yes, I know, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a backhanded compliment.
- [14:59]
Adam Carolla
But we should both try harder.
- [15:03]
Kira Sultanovic
Now. I, I don't know what it is like, you know, I just think that in a, in a weird way, like, it's not just about. I think you and I had, were parents and I think when you become a parent, they kind of put like a little badge on you. Like, oh, you're a good person. You're like, you have balance. You can't, you're not going to work out in this business. You actually care about other human beings and you're not going to, you're not going to write till two in the morning seven days a week or you're not going to, you know, go on a road trip that goes to nine cities. And like, they, they don't want that. We, we're disqualified a little bit.
- [15:45]
Adam Carolla
I agree with that. A little bit of a. Well, well, let's, let's put her third on the list.
- [15:53]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, right.
- [15:55]
Adam Carolla
Well, like, we'll check with these people that are single. This chick is, you know, a lesbian with no kids and she's a drug addict and you know, maybe they're willing to do it. And then the mom. I know. And you know, it's so funny because there are young female comics who are like, how do, how do you do it? How do you find the balance? And I go, oh, you just have to, you know, I give them this like beautiful, like perfectly, like a Hallmark kind of, you know, quote.
- [16:26]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [16:27]
Adam Carolla
And meanwhile, I'm barely holding on. Barely. Like right now. I had to threaten my children for the last half hour. I go, and what happens if you interrupt the podcast?
- [16:40]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, yeah, you'll beat us severely.
- [16:43]
Adam Carolla
That's right. I mean, like, I have to.
- [16:47]
Kira Sultanovic
Can you please pick up your computer and do a little pan around the room so we know where you're recording the podcast from? Oh, would you mind doing that?
- [16:57]
Adam Carolla
All right, I'm in my bathroom. But like, you can't tell, right? No, this is the closet. This is our walk in closet. That's our walk in closet.
- [17:08]
Kira Sultanovic
So you can get a walk in closet in the bathroom.
- [17:10]
Adam Carolla
I have a walk in. It's a big bathroom. Wow. It's not that big, but see, you.
- [17:16]
Kira Sultanovic
Have made it big.
- [17:17]
Adam Carolla
So look, this is.
- [17:18]
Kira Sultanovic
What do we got here?
- [17:19]
Adam Carolla
Hair care and skin care.
- [17:21]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, nice.
- [17:22]
Adam Carolla
This is my little. This was a pandemic trick. And then. You don't really want to see the toilet, do you?
- [17:30]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes.
- [17:31]
Adam Carolla
You're making me do. That's the.
- [17:33]
Kira Sultanovic
Our housekeeper came today. I'll show. I'll show you mine.
- [17:37]
Adam Carolla
You look like you're recording from the room where your wife sends you when she's just fed up.
- [17:44]
Kira Sultanovic
There's a day bed behind me.
- [17:46]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's what it looks like. That's a day bed where she's like, you know what? You and your erections in the other room.
- [17:54]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes. There should be a toilet paper roll on the wall.
- [17:58]
Adam Carolla
Is this like one of your kids rooms? Because now you're an empty nester.
- [18:02]
Kira Sultanovic
It is. It's my son's old room. Yeah, but I had an office at the Santa Monica airport that you've been to.
- [18:10]
Adam Carolla
You came to my office I've been to several times.
- [18:11]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. And the lease went up on that. They're tearing it down to make pickleball courts. So they evicted all these independent filmmakers, producers, writers, like, architects, all these, like, little business owners and independent people so they could make fucking pickleball courts.
- [18:32]
Adam Carolla
Once again, the lesbians were chosen over us, Right? Once again, this is where you and I made a huge mistake. We should have been in this business as lesbians. We'd be so much better off.
- [18:47]
Kira Sultanovic
Who is your best Asian friend?
- [18:52]
Adam Carolla
You know, we have a very Asian Latino street.
- [19:00]
Kira Sultanovic
Really?
- [19:01]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah, we have a lot of. It's, you know, it's a pretty good mix. It's a lot of Asians and Latinos.
- [19:09]
Kira Sultanovic
Wow.
- [19:10]
Adam Carolla
Then I grew. Grew up in San Francisco. I mean, legally you have to have five Asian friends. It's like a city ordinance. They'll find you if you don't. So I grew up with a lot of Asian kids. I grew up with a lot of everything.
- [19:24]
Kira Sultanovic
All right, so who's your. Who's your best Asian friend?
- [19:30]
Adam Carolla
I mean, I haven't seen her in a while because she has teenage boys, but. Lisa. Lisa. Okay, so I would say.
- [19:40]
Kira Sultanovic
Is it Lee saw? Is that right?
- [19:43]
Adam Carolla
You racist. Ah, how dare you.
- [19:51]
Kira Sultanovic
So, all right, so I want to talk to you about. You've got this new podcast, and I don't know that you've asked me to do it, actually.
- [20:02]
Adam Carolla
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. What new podcast are you doing?
- [20:05]
Kira Sultanovic
That one in the spa, in the steam room.
- [20:08]
Adam Carolla
Oh, my talk show? Yeah, that's a talk show.
- [20:12]
Kira Sultanovic
As a. What's a podcast? Isn't a podcast a talk show?
- [20:15]
Adam Carolla
Well, it's more of like, between two ferns type of talk show.
- [20:19]
Kira Sultanovic
Where does it air?
- [20:22]
Adam Carolla
I mean, on my Instagram. I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, it just social.
- [20:26]
Kira Sultanovic
You mean the way my video podcast airs on YouTube and Instagram? Yeah, where we talk.
- [20:33]
Adam Carolla
Where we're talking right now. We're on the YouTube.
- [20:36]
Kira Sultanovic
And on yours, you talk to people?
- [20:39]
Adam Carolla
Yes. All right, fine, it's a podcast. But they're three minutes. They're three minutes long. And yes, I do want you, and I want you naked inside of it. Will you get naked?
- [20:51]
Kira Sultanovic
Is that what people do?
- [20:53]
Adam Carolla
I mean, some people, I watched a.
- [20:55]
Kira Sultanovic
Couple of them and I saw Tom Papa start with a shirt on and then end with his shirt off.
- [21:01]
Adam Carolla
Correct?
- [21:01]
Kira Sultanovic
Correct.
- [21:03]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [21:03]
Kira Sultanovic
Has anybody gone fully nude?
- [21:06]
Adam Carolla
I think I know Alonzo left his. His clothes on all the way. I only remember the people that left their clothes all on and wouldn't even get into a bathing suit. Kelsey Cook is allergic to everything, so she was allergic to the wood inside of the sauna, but she had to.
- [21:24]
Kira Sultanovic
Have a bathing suit on.
- [21:26]
Adam Carolla
So she was in a blazer inside of a sauna.
- [21:29]
Kira Sultanovic
You're pixelated. Are you nude?
- [21:32]
Adam Carolla
Completely.
- [21:33]
Kira Sultanovic
No pasties or anything.
- [21:36]
Adam Carolla
Just full on nips and bush.
- [21:39]
Kira Sultanovic
I'll do it. I'll go nude. No, you know what? I went to this place in Portland, Oregon.
- [21:45]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [21:46]
Kira Sultanovic
And it's called the Everett House. So I was up there and I was at the club, and I go, do you know a place where I can get a massage? And they said, yeah, there's this place called the Everett House, and it's this old Victorian and kind of on the outskirts of town. And I get this really great massage, and then I'm checking out. And then a lady goes, by the way, we also have a spa, if.
- [22:09]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You want to go.
- [22:10]
Kira Sultanovic
There's a steam room and a dry sauna and a hot tub, and it's like an extra 10 bucks. You can go there. And I was like, oh, that sounds great. And she goes, I should let you know it's clothing optional. And I was like, well, which option are people going with today? And she's like, nude. Like, people are nude. And I was like, all right. I was titillated. I was like, I definitely want to see some nude people. And then there was a part of me that was like, I kind of want to be nude. So I call my wife, and I asked her permission, and she laughed for, like seven minutes. She just Laughed. And then. And then I was like, so you're not. You're not, like, worried something would happen? And then she laughed even longer.
- [22:55]
Adam Carolla
He's like, I hope something happens. Take some pressure off of me for once.
- [23:01]
Kira Sultanovic
Right. I don't even want to be nude around you, and I don't want you nude around me. So I go in, and it was great. Well, first of all, talk about bushes. It was Portland. So the women, it was like, from kneecaps to belly button was just, you know. Yeah, yeah. And so I go in and I was like, you know, I think everybody has, like, body issues. And I think going nude is actually very freeing. I think it makes you feel very kind of empowered once you break through.
- [23:33]
Adam Carolla
Well, you know, I once dragged Tom. Papa. Speaking of Tom. To a Russian banya. Pretty authentic. But it's gotten Americanized because, you know, it was in San Francisco, where I grew up, but it's pretty. As authentic as you can get.
- [23:51]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [23:52]
Adam Carolla
And it's also clothing optional now. He and I are co workers, so we said, obviously, we're going to be wearing our bathing suits. And most people opted out.
- [24:03]
Kira Sultanovic
You mean, most people had bathing suits on.
- [24:06]
Adam Carolla
No, they opted out of the clothing.
- [24:09]
Kira Sultanovic
And it's like you go into hot tubs and everything. Co ed.
- [24:12]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. There's two big saunas. They're three stories high because that's how Russians do them. Like, they're very crazy and hot, and they beat you with. I think I even, like. I was like, I'm treating. I'm treating you. And I got him a thing where they beat him with sticks. But, you know, we're co workers. You know, we're friends, we're both married, but to see dongs together, yeah, it's. It's a bonding experience. It really is. Because we both were like. Like, we saw this one guy and we looked at each other, we were like, holy shit.
- [24:47]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [24:48]
Adam Carolla
This is incredible. Like, that should be in a museum. You know what I mean? Like, it was like a circus act. Right. And. And then, you know, you see a lot of people that, you know, put a bathing suit on.
- [25:00]
Kira Sultanovic
Right, right.
- [25:01]
Adam Carolla
But. But that was like, if you And I went and I took you to that Russian banya and we saw dongs together, it would fuse our relationship even stronger, I think.
- [25:14]
Kira Sultanovic
So.
- [25:14]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [25:15]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [25:15]
Adam Carolla
I went see butts together. Like, that's a lot. That's a big deal.
- [25:19]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, you see it. And what's great about being with somebody else is, like, when I was alone at it, it felt like I felt very alone. I Felt like I needed somebody to. To elbow and point and snicker and, you know, act the way you should around naked people. Yeah, yeah. Making fun and then.
- [25:40]
Adam Carolla
But then you get two comics.
- [25:43]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, Right, right, right. So did you get massages or was it just the steam?
- [25:49]
Adam Carolla
And we just got the Vienniki Vinyki. Is when they beat you.
- [25:53]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [25:53]
Adam Carolla
Did you get it? Maybe. We've gone several times.
- [25:56]
Kira Sultanovic
Really?
- [25:57]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Because when. When he does Cobbs or, you know, whatever palace of Fine Arts or. You know what I mean? Like, he brings me because he knows I'm from there. So I can go see family and I have cousins come out and all that.
- [26:11]
Kira Sultanovic
Nice.
- [26:11]
Adam Carolla
So now it's like a tradition.
- [26:13]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, so that's where this place is in San Francisco?
- [26:16]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [26:17]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, is there one in la?
- [26:19]
Adam Carolla
Clothing optional? No, but there is a Russian banya. But it's. It's like. Like, you got to be okay sitting with. Some Mafia guys just killed someone and they're here to wash off all the, you know, gunpowder evidence.
- [26:37]
Kira Sultanovic
And I've seen a lot of these Mafia series, and sometimes it does spill over into the steam room, of course. Yeah, there's always raised in steam rooms.
- [26:47]
Adam Carolla
And saunas, like, from eight. From eight years old. Really? Yeah.
- [26:52]
Kira Sultanovic
So did you see your parents naked?
- [26:56]
Adam Carolla
Not my dad, but my mom. Yes.
- [26:58]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, right.
- [26:59]
Adam Carolla
But, like, it was. It was so. It's so normal for me.
- [27:04]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. Right. We went to a beach. Me and my wife had just been dating for, like, maybe a few months. Yeah. It was like three months. And so we went to Martha's Vineyard with my friend. His name is Ross Broccoli. And. Yeah. So Martha's Vineyard. We got to this beach, we're walking along, and all sudden, like, nobody had clothes on. And Ross had his girlfriend. She was kind of a heroin addict. I don't know if you call her a girlfriend, but she was, like, a model slash heroin addict. And we were living in New York at the time. So we're walking along, all of a sudden, everybody's nude. And. Yeah, Martha has a nude beach. It's called. It's called. I can't remember the name.
- [27:52]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [27:53]
Kira Sultanovic
And so he's like, should we do it? And we are. Everybody's looking at each other like. Like, all right. So we took off all our clothes, and everybody was kind of hiding their stuff. And, like, within a half hour, we're playing Frisbee. We're riding waves. It was awesome.
- [28:12]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [28:12]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [28:13]
Adam Carolla
I mean, yes, there is something very freeing. I think everyone should try it at least once. And, yeah, My mom used to go to nudist colonies all the time.
- [28:24]
Kira Sultanovic
Really?
- [28:25]
Adam Carolla
All the time. It drove me crazy as a teenager because I. I don't know. I was just like, what if you see my teacher there? You know, because they were all around, like, San Francisco is all, like, in. And that's why. That's why I won't go naked in the Russian banya. Because my fear is I will see one of my dad's friends.
- [28:45]
Kira Sultanovic
Your dad's friends don't have the Internet. They can look at you.
- [28:49]
Adam Carolla
But no, I'm saying I would never go naked at that Russian.
- [28:52]
Kira Sultanovic
Right, Right. Yeah.
- [28:54]
Adam Carolla
Then next thing I know, I see Igor walking around the corner. I can't.
- [28:59]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [29:00]
Adam Carolla
I can't do it. But my mom would go all the time.
- [29:03]
Kira Sultanovic
Now, was that a Russian thing or was that a hippie thing?
- [29:06]
Adam Carolla
It probably. Well, the one that she went to was hippies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was, like, leftover from the hippies.
- [29:13]
Kira Sultanovic
So was she a little bit of a hippie?
- [29:15]
Adam Carolla
Well, the thing is, it didn't matter because she was a Soviet.
- [29:18]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [29:19]
Adam Carolla
So that translated into the hippie language.
- [29:23]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh. Because, yeah, of course, hippies are kind of socialists. Yeah.
- [29:26]
Adam Carolla
There you go.
- [29:27]
Kira Sultanovic
Got it. Yeah.
- [29:28]
Adam Carolla
You didn't have to be a hippie because we. We were like, new immigrants. And so, you know, any place for her to go be naked and sweat?
- [29:37]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [29:38]
Adam Carolla
She's like, I have to go. Like, she was, like, addicted, and now I'm addicted. And I, I. I understand that now.
- [29:45]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [29:45]
Adam Carolla
You know, I have a sauna in my backyard.
- [29:48]
Kira Sultanovic
I can't wait. Sign me up. I'm gonna come do it.
- [29:51]
Adam Carolla
We're gonna start shooting again.
- [29:52]
Kira Sultanovic
How hot is the sauna?
- [29:55]
Adam Carolla
It's not as hot as I would like, but you as a pale, white, weak Irishman, you know.
- [30:02]
Kira Sultanovic
Did you say meek or weak?
- [30:04]
Adam Carolla
Both meek. Week and week. It's not that bad. It's fine. You'll be fine. It's like just under 170. That, to me, is really 170. 185, 190. I prefer 200. I want to walk into a sauna and regret it immediately. Yeah, that's how you know it's good. When you walk in, you're like, oh, no.
- [30:30]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [30:30]
Adam Carolla
You know, like when you dip your toe into a Jacuzzi, that's a little too hot. And you're like, I'm not gonna be able to do this. But you go in anyway.
- [30:38]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [30:38]
Adam Carolla
That's what it should be. It should be a immediate regret.
- [30:41]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, I know that cold plunges Were all the rage. And then all of a sudden, hot saunas are replacing. I don't know if they're replacing cold plunges, but people are using them in conjunction now with. With the. With the hot plunge, with the cold plunge.
- [30:56]
Adam Carolla
That's. You. White people. Like, you have to understand, Soviets have been doing this for eons.
- [31:03]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [31:03]
Adam Carolla
Yes, we. I went. When I went to Moscow, I ran into a freezing cold lake.
- [31:10]
Kira Sultanovic
You did after?
- [31:11]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [31:12]
Kira Sultanovic
Straight out of the sauna.
- [31:14]
Adam Carolla
200 degree sauna. I was beaten to a pulp. This woman beat me like I. I was Brezhnev. You know what I mean? Like, she hit me with these branches, and then I ran off of a dock into a cold lake.
- [31:31]
Kira Sultanovic
Wow.
- [31:32]
Adam Carolla
Freezing cold. Freezing cold.
- [31:33]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. See, I love cold plunges. I've got a thing.
- [31:36]
Adam Carolla
Joe Rogan is like, oh, I can do a cold plunge. Yeah, Joe, welcome. Welcome to my entire childhood.
- [31:47]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, you don't have to say that. He knows he's great.
- [31:51]
Adam Carolla
Can I tell you, I actually hide liking Joe more than say, like, I pretend like I like him. A lot of comics will give you for liking Joe Rogan. I'm like, the guy has an entertaining podcast.
- [32:06]
Kira Sultanovic
I just taped my new special in his club, and then he had me on and he promoted it, and we got a lot of views. He.
- [32:13]
Adam Carolla
Wait to watch it. When. When does it. When does it.
- [32:15]
Kira Sultanovic
It's out. It's out now. It's been out for a few weeks. It's got. We just hit 400, 000 views today.
- [32:22]
Adam Carolla
Come on.
- [32:23]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, Grapefruit Simmons, right?
- [32:25]
Adam Carolla
Amazing. Where.
- [32:27]
Kira Sultanovic
Where can I watch it on YouTube? You can just get on there for free. And it's called you know me.
- [32:35]
Adam Carolla
I love it. I love it. You know, I. I can. I can already imagine it being amazing. Freaking amazing.
- [32:44]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, here's the thing.
- [32:45]
Adam Carolla
Saw you. You destroyed.
- [32:47]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, thank you very much. I feel like this special was a long time coming because I was going to record it right when the pandemic happened. I had it ready, and then it got stalled out for another four years. So this. This hour material I've been hammering out for a while, and now I'm at that point where I recorded it a year ago. So now I've got pretty much a new hour, and I feel so much more excited about it. I was so sick of that material. It was coming out of my mouth. And especially when you're doing five shows in a weekend and you're doing the same set, and by the last show, you're just like, I hate myself. I. I can't do this anymore.
- [33:29]
Adam Carolla
But don't you feel like that's what made it better?
- [33:34]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. Yeah.
- [33:35]
Adam Carolla
Just doing it over and over and over. Yeah. My one thing is I hate when the feature watches me when I'm doing, you know, my fifth show of a weekend.
- [33:43]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [33:44]
Adam Carolla
And they feel like, I know all your secret. I know all your tricks now.
- [33:48]
Kira Sultanovic
That's so funny you say that because, like, I bring people on the road with me and then after a while I don't bring them anymore. And it's because I'm embarrassed that they're going to see me doing the same hour. I've never said that out loud before.
- [34:01]
Adam Carolla
It's the truth.
- [34:02]
Kira Sultanovic
Sorry.
- [34:03]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I'm with you.
- [34:05]
Kira Sultanovic
I want somebody to be on the side of the stage, pie eyed going, this guy's brilliant. Not going like mouthing the jokes and then you. And then you notice 10 minutes in they leave the showroom and you're like, oh, God, I'm not even interesting anymore.
- [34:18]
Adam Carolla
Yes, 100%. I've been there. Yeah. I'm really excited. I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I. I watch pod. I watch specials, like podcasts, so don't get upset, but I'll be plugging it in and then driving down to like, you know, hermosa comedy and magic. And I'll be listening to yourself.
- [34:36]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, I love it. You. Are there any that I have not seen that I should see? Any specials that. That you love?
- [34:45]
Adam Carolla
I haven't put out a new one in a while. You know, I shot this really weird, random little half hour thing right at the height of COVID Yeah. For epics. Remember Epics? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get into comedy. And that's the last thing I did. That's the last thing I did.
- [35:02]
Kira Sultanovic
But weren't you doing something with 800 pound gorilla? Are you gonna.
- [35:05]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, they just re released an old one, though.
- [35:08]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, got it.
- [35:09]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, we re released an old one.
- [35:12]
Kira Sultanovic
Because that's who produced my special.
- [35:14]
Adam Carolla
Oh, they're great.
- [35:16]
Kira Sultanovic
They produced it and then they distributed it, which is a whole different company. They're like two different companies.
- [35:22]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [35:23]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [35:23]
Adam Carolla
And I want to do a new one, but I'm kind of in this place where. And I hate to talk too much inside baseball. I hope your fans of your podcast don't mind, but I am trying to figure out my comedy voice after 20 plus years.
- [35:40]
Kira Sultanovic
Interesting.
- [35:41]
Adam Carolla
It's changed.
- [35:42]
Kira Sultanovic
I hope so.
- [35:43]
Adam Carolla
I think like, in a way where I'm like, I have to rethink every single joke and topic and, and direction and point of view that's great.
- [35:54]
Kira Sultanovic
That's great.
- [35:56]
Adam Carolla
So it's fun and exciting, but also like, what the hell am I doing? Just do what works. Yeah, but you can't do what works forever, right? You gotta stretch a little bit.
- [36:05]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, I think you gotta stretch a little bit. And, you know, and I think you have to sort of take stock in yourself when the set's not going great and have the discipline to go. Well, it's not going to go great until you keep doing it. Like, if you chicken out of doing it halfway through the set because. And you always make an excuse. Well, it's Friday night, late show, I'm in Cleveland. Like, there's always a reason to, like, cheat and go back to your old material. And. Yes, and I think that the key is to have the discipline to take the punches and go down and know that the only way the set's going to get great is when you are married to it.
- [36:50]
Adam Carolla
But also, have you done this? Have you, like, taken a whole different direction? Yes, Your standup.
- [36:58]
Kira Sultanovic
I feel like my new hour is a very different direction than my old hour.
- [37:02]
Adam Carolla
Do you watch other comics?
- [37:05]
Kira Sultanovic
I try not to.
- [37:06]
Adam Carolla
Okay. See, I don't understand that. I watch everybody, and I think I have to stop because I just saw and I don't know if it's a new Larry the Cable Guy, I'm going to assume it's old. I don't think he's really touring. But he did a joke of mine, and it could be a coincidence. I'm not saying he took it. I'm saying he did a joke.
- [37:35]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, I don't think. I think he has writers, so he may not have taken the joke. One of his writers might have taken the joke.
- [37:42]
Adam Carolla
100%.
- [37:43]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [37:43]
Adam Carolla
And I know, and I've met him, and I'm not. He's really sweet.
- [37:47]
Kira Sultanovic
I just did his podcast last week.
- [37:49]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I've done his podcast. I met him backstage with it tonight show. I'm not. This is not against him, but I'm just saying I watched him. He randomly came up on my feet. I was like, oh, let me watch this. And then I watch, and I'm like, son of a. So. But the thing is, I have to stop doing it. 1,000%. I'm going to stop doing it.
- [38:10]
Kira Sultanovic
That's kind of the reason I don't do it is I'm afraid I'm. You know, I'm 58 years old. My mind is not what it used to be. And if I watch a lot of standup and then I try to write some Stand up. I'm so worried that somebody's idea is going to slip into my writing. And. And so if I just watch the people that I really love, like David Tells last special, then I know I'm not taking David Tell's material, you know? But if I watch a guy who's like, you know, decent, I don't know, I might. A premise might just lodge itself in the back of my mind.
- [38:50]
Adam Carolla
Sure. Premises. I feel like, look, we all share living experiences, right? We all. If you're married or you're dating or you're this or you're. Even when you're single, you can have the same premise as a married person.
- [39:04]
Kira Sultanovic
Right.
- [39:05]
Adam Carolla
You know what I mean? It's. It. I don't think he or his writers maybe took it. I know I didn't take it from him. I just saw it. I've been doing this joke for years. Too long. Way too long. But it's just because he's the bigger name. I know I have to drop it.
- [39:22]
Kira Sultanovic
Right? Right.
- [39:24]
Adam Carolla
Heartbreaking.
- [39:25]
Kira Sultanovic
Yep. Yep.
- [39:27]
Adam Carolla
But I don't want to ever. For anyone to ever think.
- [39:32]
Kira Sultanovic
But. But I think that every time you drop a joke, you're going to replace it with a joke. And you have to believe that that's going to be a better joke, that you're growing as a comic. You're coming. I mean, it doesn't matter how many years I've been doing it for 35 years, I still feel like figuring out my voice. I'm peeling back layers of the onion. Every joke I write is. Is like the joke writing is sharper than it used to be. I'm less hacky than I used to be. And so it's kind of an opportunity to drop a joke when somebody does it, you know?
- [40:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I had to drop one of my favorites a few months ago. I saw Russell Peter do it.
- [40:12]
Kira Sultanovic
No, really?
- [40:13]
Adam Carolla
Again, this is nothing against.
- [40:15]
Kira Sultanovic
No, it happens. It just happens.
- [40:18]
Adam Carolla
I. I was like, all right, yeah, my favorites. But.
- [40:22]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, that's why you gotta put out your specials. Put out another special. Because then you're claiming the joke.
- [40:29]
Adam Carolla
That is true.
- [40:30]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, that is true.
- [40:31]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah, I know. I need to work on it. I. I have to drive kids to flag football and gymnastics. Greg Fitzsimmons.
- [40:41]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. What do you mean? So it doesn't give you time to write? Is that what you say?
- [40:46]
Adam Carolla
Like, I am. I'm just. You know, I have a new. Speaking of new jokes here, I'll tell you one of my new jokes. I have two different parenting stuff.
- [40:54]
Kira Sultanovic
Okay. I love this first of all, that you saying that right now makes me think. You and I are going to get on Zoom calls once a week with Premises, and we're gonna write. We're gonna write for an hour a week.
- [41:09]
Adam Carolla
I love that.
- [41:11]
Kira Sultanovic
Okay, good.
- [41:12]
Adam Carolla
Because it. If I have a standing appointment, I don't miss my appointments.
- [41:16]
Kira Sultanovic
Great. Great.
- [41:17]
Adam Carolla
One of my parenting styles, the first parenting style I have, is where I'm constantly a little bit irritated and agitated and running late and hungry, and I have stains on my clothes, and I'm yelling. And then my other parenting style is the same. That's it. That's. That's the bit.
- [41:44]
Kira Sultanovic
But the funny thing about that is, in the moment, you feel. You feel like you're in one mode or the other. You actually feel like you're doing a better job. And then you look back and you go, oh, no, I was the same person.
- [41:56]
Adam Carolla
Exactly the same.
- [41:57]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [41:57]
Adam Carolla
I was still irritated and agitated and running late and hungry and thirsty, and I have to pee. I always have to pee. Just a little.
- [42:04]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, well, you know, that's why you do your Kegel exercises.
- [42:09]
Adam Carolla
I try. I try. But, yeah, I want to do that. For sure.
- [42:13]
Kira Sultanovic
Okay, for sure.
- [42:15]
Adam Carolla
Because that's how I go. That's. That's how I'll go do a yoga class. I signed up for it. I'm like, all right, it's in this. It's in the calendar.
- [42:21]
Kira Sultanovic
All right, here's a new. Here's a new premise that I have. Something about the Virgin Mary. Like, she was a virgin. Now, are you Catholic?
- [42:39]
Adam Carolla
Do I look.
- [42:40]
Kira Sultanovic
Are you rush? Oh, you're. You're Jewish. Yeah.
- [42:44]
Adam Carolla
What about this?
- [42:46]
Kira Sultanovic
Happy New Year. Happy New Year. So, like, the Virgin Mary I think about because, like, she had a hook. You know, she was on brand. She. There's a lot of Marys. She was the Virgin. She was the one that was a virgin. And. And so God. Like, why is it that God needed to bring the Messiah into the world through a vagina that had never been penetrated by a penis? Like, when I think about all the shame I have about sex, it's all in the pages of that Bible. Why was it, like, there couldn't have been jizz in there? Be, like, it couldn't have been, like, you know, a little dribble ages. It couldn't have been just the crown. Like, nothing. It had to be just like, a corridor. Like, like, when the. When the president is coming, how they clear the hallway? Like, it has to be perfect and pristine.
- [43:45]
Adam Carolla
Well, I. As a Jew looking in on this, I'm also very perplexed of, like, why you guys have so much shame.
- [43:54]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [43:54]
Adam Carolla
Around sex. And I think it's because of the virgin part.
- [43:59]
Kira Sultanovic
Yep.
- [44:00]
Adam Carolla
It's because of that. It's because, like, they had to, you know, give her that title. I don't think she was a virgin.
- [44:13]
Kira Sultanovic
Tmz. TMZ is gonna cover this tomorrow.
- [44:16]
Adam Carolla
She was not a virgin. Every single picture I've seen of her. She's like a smoke show.
- [44:23]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. Yeah.
- [44:24]
Adam Carolla
Pretty hot.
- [44:26]
Kira Sultanovic
Mary's pretty hot.
- [44:27]
Adam Carolla
She's hot. There's no way.
- [44:30]
Kira Sultanovic
But, you know, I mean, there was a lot of. There was a lot of virgins out there. God could have picked.
- [44:35]
Adam Carolla
He got to pick any woman with a nice rack. She has a nice rack. So I don't believe that she was a virgin. I think it's just kind of like, you know, the Kardashians, where they just market and the brand, like you said, the branding and.
- [44:52]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [44:52]
Adam Carolla
You know, and speaking of Kardashians, we had to clear the hallway at the Tonight show for Kim Kardashian. Oh, you did do that for anyone else.
- [44:59]
Kira Sultanovic
Wow.
- [44:59]
Adam Carolla
And there have been much bigger names.
- [45:01]
Kira Sultanovic
Than her walking down that hallway, and.
- [45:03]
Adam Carolla
We were all, like, sw. Swept aside. But I don't think she was a virgin. I'm sorry. And I know that ruins, like, your.
- [45:10]
Kira Sultanovic
Now, are you saying Joe was the father of Jesus Christ? Joseph? Are you saying that she was. Okay.
- [45:19]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [45:20]
Kira Sultanovic
Wow. Which puts Joe in a whole other category. Joe was such a side note in the Bible. He was just a cuck. He was Jerusalem's cuck. And meanwhile, what. What you're saying is he's the father of God.
- [45:34]
Adam Carolla
I'm saying Maury Povich did not do a service by saying, joseph, you are not the father. Like, you need to. Yes, it's the father.
- [45:47]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [45:48]
Adam Carolla
But here's the thing. Like, when you. You know, all of a sudden, let's say Mary was tracking her, you know, her cycle, and she's like, I know we didn't do it last week because we were. It was a famine, and we were hungry or whatever. Right. And all of a sudden, she's pregnant. He's like, who's this? And she's like, gods, I don't know. God, I don't know. Yeah, I didn't think I was ovulating.
- [46:15]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. How many Latino women over the years have tried to claim immaculate conception?
- [46:21]
Adam Carolla
Exactly.
- [46:21]
Kira Sultanovic
You know, and then the kid comes out and he's crying, and he's covered in snot. His head's irregular. And you're like, Sorry. Sorry. Serena, this is not. This is not a messiah.
- [46:33]
Adam Carolla
Not the second coming.
- [46:35]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [46:35]
Adam Carolla
This is why I always tell, you know, my husband's Catholic. You know, he. He went to Catholic school for 12 years.
- [46:41]
Kira Sultanovic
What do you mean? I know. What do I. What do I get his Wikipedia page open? No.
- [46:45]
Adam Carolla
You know, I'm legally. I'm legally a Catholic. Last name is fake again, right?
- [46:50]
Kira Sultanovic
I never knew that. I don't think I ever knew that.
- [46:52]
Adam Carolla
Well, now you know. Now you know. Now everyone knows. All your listeners can dox me, but, you know, I go, of course you wanted to date a Jewish chick. There's no shame. Like, we were told, go and give blow jobs. You know, like, never in my teenage years did my parents shame anything sexual.
- [47:12]
Kira Sultanovic
I married. You're pretty converted. I married a Jewish.
- [47:15]
Adam Carolla
I know.
- [47:16]
Kira Sultanovic
And when I was in college, we didn't have any Jews. I grew up in New York in Tarrytown, which is just outside the city, and it was very Latino, black Irish, and Italian, and we had two Jewish kids in the whole town, so we didn't have a lot of exposure to it. And then I went off to college. I went to Boston University, be Jew. And it was all Jewish kids from Long island and, you know, D.C. and these women. I could not believe I had never had sex with a woman who then got up naked and walked to the bathroom and then walked back naked again. And they got. I was like, you're the Irish girls. You could. They never got from under the sheets the entire time.
- [48:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yes. That's why I'm telling you. It.
- [48:10]
Kira Sultanovic
It's.
- [48:10]
Adam Carolla
You know, we get a blowjob from a nice Jewish girl.
- [48:14]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes.
- [48:14]
Adam Carolla
You know, and then they'll make you a sandwich.
- [48:16]
Kira Sultanovic
Yep. There was a girl at BU who went off to Israel to a kabutz after we graduated. And then she came back, and she.
- [48:26]
Adam Carolla
Was like a girl that, you know.
- [48:28]
Kira Sultanovic
We were, like, free in the friends group with. All of a sudden, she started blowing everybody. She said she, like, discovered it in Israel. And then, like, you would be driving with her, and she'd be like, you want a blow job? And you just pull over and she'd just do it.
- [48:43]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [48:44]
Kira Sultanovic
And then you'd keep talking on the ride home.
- [48:46]
Adam Carolla
It's like saying, do you want to stop and get a Slurpee?
- [48:49]
Kira Sultanovic
It was a Slurpee.
- [48:50]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Good for her. Good for that. Rachel. I sent my kid to a Jewish sleepaway camp for three weeks for the first time this last summer.
- [49:01]
Kira Sultanovic
Really?
- [49:03]
Adam Carolla
Now I went to sleep, awaken. So I know I don't know. I didn't, I didn't ask him. It's, you know, it's his private whatever.
- [49:11]
Kira Sultanovic
So he was what, like 12?
- [49:13]
Adam Carolla
He's 13. He'll be 14 in a couple months.
- [49:17]
Kira Sultanovic
Did he seem different when he came back?
- [49:22]
Adam Carolla
So he figured some stuff out? Yeah, but that's what it's for, right?
- [49:27]
Kira Sultanovic
It's a safe place to experiment and then tell your friends about it and then they have information and you share information and maybe you got a cool counselor and you can get some. You know, it's like a. It's a very healthy way to, you know, as opposed to me in like, you know, behind the bleachers with an eight pack finger in a girl when it's 21 degrees out and you know, she's got a. She's got on jeans and you don't even unsnap them. You just jam your hand down. Oh my God, it was awful.
- [49:58]
Adam Carolla
What? I hope you've called her and apologized since Them. Oh, them. Okay, yeah, them. Gotcha.
- [50:07]
Kira Sultanovic
I was, I was pretty prolific in my day and. And I can't say that it was ever meaningful until I got much older. I was in college before I had any kind of a emotion involved in the sexual encounter.
- [50:24]
Adam Carolla
What do they do to you people in Catholic school? I know, I am so sorry.
- [50:29]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, yeah.
- [50:30]
Adam Carolla
You know, I've had to, you know, boy, heal some trauma from my husband.
- [50:36]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, really?
- [50:37]
Adam Carolla
Yes, he was, he was taught by nuns and mon. Seniors. Yeah, those people aren't jolly or happy or.
- [50:47]
Kira Sultanovic
No, a lot of them are evading their sexuality. There's a lot of homosexuality in the Catholic church because they don't want to sin. So they go, well, I'll hide in the church then.
- [51:00]
Adam Carolla
I mean, look, all religions have their weirdo's. They all do, you know, so I'm not trying to put this on Catholics, but. Oof. You know, when my kids, I. I go, guys, are we cool if we're not too like hocus pocus we with the religion? I told my kids, they were like, it's fine, we don't have to be. I told them, I go, I don't know, it's just, it's too much.
- [51:22]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, Catholicism is like gothic. It's heavy. You know, I mean, I, I grew up, I didn't go to Catholic school, but I went to, I went to Catholic, you know, CCD classes after, you know, once a week for my whole life, we'd go to somebody's house on a Wednesday night. And then every Sunday was church and then all the sacraments. And yeah, it was, it was, it launched me into a junior Tolkien world of believing in crazy. I mean, I honestly, Kira, I talked to God. I talk to God a lot. And when I found out, I took a class in high school. I went to a very progressive high school and, and they taught. We, we had a, we had a book that was called the Bible as World Literature. And so at the age of 16, I was suddenly being introduced to my parables from my Bible being written 800 years earlier in a pagan text or in the Koran and things that preceded the Bible. And it's all the same stories. It's right around the winter solstice that the Messiah is born from. A virgin, dies, rises from the dead. Right around the vernal equinox in the spring. Yeah, all these exact. So the flood, the Garden of Eden, it's in all these same religion. And I was devastated. I went into a depression and yeah, it was, it was rough.
- [53:02]
Adam Carolla
Oh my gosh.
- [53:03]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [53:05]
Adam Carolla
Now, did you raise your kids with like religion or.
- [53:10]
Kira Sultanovic
No, but. Because my wife is not. She was raised culturally Jewish because she grew up on the Upper west side of Manhattan, which is a very Jewish neighborhood. So she has a great love for it, but she didn't go to temple. And, and my mother has tried to keep Catholicism in my kids lives. And my daughter had a huge response to it. And like, she loves church ever since she was little. She asked about, you know, Jesus ascending into heaven and the transfiguration of the, of the wine into blood and like all that really weird. She loves it. And we went into a church with my mother in Florida and my daughter was about maybe 8. And we walk into the church and they have, you know, they have the candle set up and you go and you light a candle. So she went over and she lit a candle and then she kneeled down and she crossed her hands and she put her head down for like 10 minutes and then she stood up and she walked over and I go, what were you doing over there? And she said, I was praying for your father, who she never met. He died before she was born. I was like, all right, that's head out.
- [54:25]
Adam Carolla
How old is she? How old was she?
- [54:26]
Kira Sultanovic
She was 8 at the time.
- [54:28]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah, Very sweet. Yeah, that's.
- [54:33]
Kira Sultanovic
I mean, it's a shame. It, it is a shame because I think growing up with faith gave me a lot. I think it gave me a sense of purpose. It gave me, it answered a lot of questions. I mean, I don't know, does religion.
- [54:51]
Adam Carolla
Serve you more questions like why I.
- [54:58]
Kira Sultanovic
Think it me up in the end. I think it was a. It was a negative in the end, but. But when you're in it and you're young. Yeah, it's pretty magical.
- [55:09]
Adam Carolla
So my, my kids, you know, I like to ask them like, deep questions, right? I like to see like, where. Where is your head at? And I asked them one day, I go, what do you guys think? You were in a past life, right? And my son at the time, I think he was 10, he said I was. I was a World War II soldier and I died during. During war. He said I died during the battles. And then my daughter was six and she said I was a pickle. And then she goes, who lived in a hat? I was like, maybe, maybe, maybe I should have introduced religion.
- [56:09]
Kira Sultanovic
My God. One of those kids, when you're old and you need assistance around that, one of those kids is going to be there for you and have financial means, I think, I think the soldier. The soldier is going to have some. He's going to have an IRA account, he's going to have health insurance. He's going to take care of you.
- [56:27]
Adam Carolla
As long as neither of them go into stand up or comedy.
- [56:31]
Kira Sultanovic
Right.
- [56:32]
Adam Carolla
Any capacity.
- [56:33]
Kira Sultanovic
Y.
- [56:33]
Adam Carolla
Because the younger one, she has impeccable timing.
- [56:38]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, no.
- [56:40]
Adam Carolla
She says things in the most perfect way.
- [56:43]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [56:44]
Adam Carolla
That I. I have. It's like a double take where I go, what's h. Are you, like, taking Groundlings classes?
- [56:50]
Kira Sultanovic
Like behind my back?
- [56:51]
Adam Carolla
Like, what's happening? The other day we were at school and we're. I pick her up from school and we're holding hands, walking to the car, right? And this older girl comes up to her. She's in fourth grade now, and this like fifth or sixth grader comes up to her and she goes, I know who you are. And my daughter and I kind of smile at the girl. You know, we're being polite and we're like, oh, okay. And then as we turn around, she looks at me, she goes, I have no idea who she is. The way she said it, it was.
- [57:24]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was perfect.
- [57:27]
Adam Carolla
Like, she just has this timing and it's. It's unbelievable.
- [57:32]
Kira Sultanovic
You want to hear something crazy?
- [57:34]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [57:34]
Kira Sultanovic
I. I have a friend named Matt Wickline who is a huge writer. He was on. He was one of Letterman's big writers during the big years. And then he. I think he helped create Martin is the show Martin. And then he was the showrunner on Cedric the Entertainer, had this sketch show that I wrote on, and he was one of the showrunners. Anyway, great dude. Like a real. But like a real WASPy Yale guy. He's first of all, he's like 6 foot 5 and you know, the hair parted to the side and the crisp oxford shirts and the extremely well mannered and very intelligent and. Anyway, so we kept in touch over the years and then our kids ended up going to high school together. And both his kids are super tall and they were both in the band and my kids were in the band, so they knew each other. And his daughter ended up going off to like Oberlin College and she was doing sketch comedy and she got pretty big doing like TikTok videos. And very deadpan, you know, she's tall, she's kind of alternative. Ish.
- [58:42]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't know how to describe her.
- [58:44]
Kira Sultanovic
Like, I hate to say, like, she's not a nerd, but she's very deadpan and dry.
- [58:49]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [58:50]
Kira Sultanovic
Anyway, she's on Saturday Night Live this year and she's like getting in a ton of stuff. Is that amazing?
- [58:57]
Adam Carolla
That's why.
- [58:59]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, I mean, I used to, like, I used to like, you know, want to be on snl and I'd watch my friends get on snl, and now I'm watching my friends kids get on snl.
- [59:11]
Adam Carolla
Oh, my God. Yeah.
- [59:13]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, that's.
- [59:14]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I'm telling you, one day, if my kid does get into showbiz, she's going to be hiring us because. Yeah, she's just like her, she's dark too. She has a dark sense of humor. One day we were like cuddling in bed and, you know, remember when your kids were really little and they still wanted you to like, cuddle with them?
- [59:32]
Kira Sultanovic
Right?
- [59:33]
Adam Carolla
And I was like kissing her head and stroking her hair and she, you know, she was like touching my arm and I was like, did we have the best day today or what? She goes, mommy, it was the best. And she said, I love you. And I said, sweetheart, I love you. And we were like, oh. We were like, oh, we're being, we're so cozy right now. And then she stops and there's this pause and she goes, wouldn't it be hilarious if a missile came through my window? And we both went, why would you say that? We're having such a sweet moment. We're having such a sweet moment right now. She goes, oh, no, no, it is, it's great. But wouldn't it just be so funny? And all of a sudden we're like, I love you. I love you. That's hilarious, dude.
- [60:28]
Kira Sultanovic
It's terrifying. Well, it's the extremes she was. She was seeing. Comedy is extremes. It's. It's. It's misdirection. So you are at your most vulnerable. Like, people are afraid to snuggle and be open and say, I love you, and say, this is a great moment, because you're afraid you can be hurt in nature if you're like that. And so she thought, what's the most offensive, destructive. A missile. That's really kind of interesting. Yeah, well, my daughter is the same way. My. My daughter is like a comedy savant. Her and her friend riff together. I cannot keep up. They are so quick. And voices and. And also, there's this thing that our kids do that we didn't. You know, we always had cultural references, whether it was Caddyshack or Animal House or, you know, but they have memes that they draw from, that they. They have lingo and memes that fold, flow in and out of their conversation, that make it like it's kind of an interesting musical tempo and.
- [61:36]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [61:37]
Kira Sultanovic
But I want to bring up one funny thing my daughter said. When we were. When she was about six, there was two kids that lived in the back that. In the house behind us. And my four kids. My two kids there, too, same age, and they were just like. Just. They were a hurricane. They just went from house to house, destroying things. So I come into the bathroom, and the shower curtain has been ripped down. It's hanging on by one length. And so I say, everybody in here. Riley, Owen, Jojo, Courtney. Everybody in here in the bathroom. And I said, courtney, did you pull down the curtain? And she said, no. I said, riley, did you pull down the curtain? He said, nope. Owen, did you pull down the curtain? He said, no. Jojo, who's my daughter. Jojo, did you pull down the curtain? And she goes, no, I didn't, but what would happen if I did? Like, she wanted to know the punishment she missed out on by lying.
- [62:50]
Adam Carolla
That's hilarious.
- [62:51]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes.
- [62:53]
Adam Carolla
But let's play out, like, let's say I did.
- [62:56]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, that's really funny.
- [62:58]
Adam Carolla
Oh, my God. I don't know how you. How did you do it through the teenage years? Because I, I. You know, my son's gonna be 14 in a couple months, and then my dad's gonna be 77 in a couple months. And I feel like they're the same person. Like, I have to explain everything to them.
- [63:16]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. Yeah.
- [63:17]
Adam Carolla
How do you not. How do you not know and how do you not know? But they.
- [63:23]
Kira Sultanovic
They both.
- [63:24]
Adam Carolla
They're both the same now.
- [63:26]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. Yeah.
- [63:27]
Adam Carolla
It's Wild. This time of life where you're raising kids and then you're slowering parents. Like, it's horrible. It's horrible.
- [63:39]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, you got to take yourself out of the equation and hook your. Get your teenager showing your father how to do his emails. And, you know, there's this amazing thing. Like, my kids fucking love their grandparents and all their grand. But they never met my father. And Aaron's father died about two years ago, but they were. They were pretty close to him. But the. But the grandmothers, like, it's just. You don't have to do anything. You just leave them alone and you can go. They fucking thrive on being with each other. And they're going to go down to Florida. My mom lives in Florida. Well, she lives there now. We'll see what happens after hurricane number two. But they're going to go down to just the two of them. My two kids are going to fly down for a week and just stay at her place in Florida and hang out. They love it. She taught them how to play poker.
- [64:29]
Adam Carolla
Teenagers.
- [64:30]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. Yeah.
- [64:31]
Adam Carolla
Were. Yeah. Yeah.
- [64:34]
Kira Sultanovic
All right, before we go. Okay, I get some questions I'm going to ask you. These are called fastballs with fits.
- [64:40]
Adam Carolla
Okay.
- [64:42]
Kira Sultanovic
Everybody answers the same questions. If you were going to be. If you were trans, would you rather have been a woman who was born a man or a man who was born a woman?
- [64:56]
Adam Carolla
I think a woman. A. A man who was born a woman. So what I. What I would be now, like, biologically a woman and then I transition into a man. Right.
- [65:07]
Kira Sultanovic
Why?
- [65:10]
Adam Carolla
Because penises are crazy.
- [65:15]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [65:16]
Adam Carolla
And I. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have one. And I mean, God bless you if you have one. Like, wow.
- [65:23]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [65:24]
Adam Carolla
Thank you for your service.
- [65:25]
Kira Sultanovic
I wish.
- [65:26]
Adam Carolla
I don't want to have one. I just don't.
- [65:29]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. I just feel like you would transition to a man with no penis. You're not going to get the surgery. Okay.
- [65:36]
Adam Carolla
No, no, no. I don't think I want to get a surgery.
- [65:39]
Kira Sultanovic
Would you remove your breasts?
- [65:42]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [65:43]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, then you're not transitioning. What are you talking about?
- [65:46]
Adam Carolla
Question.
- [65:47]
Kira Sultanovic
I don't know. It's a new one. Fastball fits me. We always throw a few new questions in fastballs with fits.
- [65:52]
Adam Carolla
All right.
- [65:54]
Kira Sultanovic
Have you. Have you ever won an award?
- [65:58]
Adam Carolla
Yes. Oh, my God. What was it?
- [66:04]
Kira Sultanovic
Ah, clearly not a.
- [66:06]
Adam Carolla
Not important. Not an important one. Like, not like you. I've seen your Emmys.
- [66:12]
Kira Sultanovic
No, but it's important. Well, not only that, I. I was also.
- [66:18]
Adam Carolla
That Taekwondo. What is that?
- [66:19]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah. That's my son's taekwondo.
- [66:23]
Adam Carolla
I did win some gold medals. I did, as a kid. In what, 400 yard dash? No. And long jump.
- [66:32]
Kira Sultanovic
Damn. 400 yards is not a dash.
- [66:36]
Adam Carolla
I know.
- [66:38]
Kira Sultanovic
Maybe. Maybe for you it was because you were winning. The other kids were running it. You were dashing it.
- [66:43]
Adam Carolla
I was like, f. These kids.
- [66:45]
Kira Sultanovic
Damn. Did you run through high school?
- [66:48]
Adam Carolla
No. This was when I was younger.
- [66:50]
Kira Sultanovic
Okay.
- [66:50]
Adam Carolla
I went. I ran through the police Athletic league. Remember that?
- [66:54]
Kira Sultanovic
Remember, pal, you would think the police wouldn't want young people to run faster. All right. What? Have you ever not finished a set on stage?
- [67:11]
Adam Carolla
No. And boy, have I had opportunities to walk off.
- [67:16]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [67:17]
Adam Carolla
Just last week, I was in Reno at the Laugh Factory inside the beautiful Silver Legacy. Because I'm a blue collar worker.
- [67:26]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [67:27]
Adam Carolla
And. And a guy vomited in the middle of my set. And I just kept going. I was like, I don't know. I mean, you guys want to move up? And these people moved up one table, and then. And we just kept going. I was like, it's Reno. I don't think it's gonna make any difference. Any difference at all.
- [67:49]
Kira Sultanovic
How is Reno? I haven't been there in so long. I've kind of always had a soft spot for Reno.
- [67:54]
Adam Carolla
Like, a soft spot, like in a baby's head, where it's bad news.
- [67:58]
Kira Sultanovic
Well, it just reminds me of what Vegas used to be a little bit.
- [68:02]
Adam Carolla
You know, Reno's fine. It's fine. I love the laugh factor. They always take care of me. They're really. You know. But it was a Harley, like, motorcycle convention.
- [68:12]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, no.
- [68:13]
Adam Carolla
Thousands of motorcycle gangs. Whoa. Thousands. And they were all tatted up, and the women had, like, you know, tattoo. When a woman has a tattoo on her face, that is jail time. It's not just, you know, we got drunk one night and I got a fish on my thigh. You know what I mean? Like, no, this is like, these are the gangs I have represented.
- [68:35]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [68:36]
Adam Carolla
Penitentiary years. So, of course, the first thing I say when I get on stage at Reno is like, I am so glad that you guys are here. I love it. And you're all. You've all been paroled, so that's good news. Yeah. A lot of leather, leathery faces, leather clothes.
- [68:53]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [68:54]
Adam Carolla
And then once in the middle of a show. And this was the south side of Chicago, and it was a primarily black club, but they like to headline me. I have no idea why.
- [69:05]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, I think I know that club.
- [69:08]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. It's been closed for a while.
- [69:10]
Kira Sultanovic
Okay.
- [69:11]
Adam Carolla
Southside. And this guy in the Middle of my set, stands up and flips his table over with all the drinks. Because the waitress, who was also black and the customer was black, asked him to pay in advance.
- [69:28]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, shit.
- [69:29]
Adam Carolla
And drinks went flying. And he stood up and he flipped the table over and everyone scattered. And I'm on stage and I was. And I can't remember what I said exactly. It was a while ago. But I remember saying something to the fact of. Something to like, it's a two drink minimum, sir, and those are not going to count. Like, I made. Like, I said something like, I'm sorry, but the rules here. You have to order another two drinks, something to that effect. And people were like, this white girl. I remember hearing someone go, this white chick is crazy. Instead of being scared, I doubled down on him. You know what I mean? I was like, you know what we said? No Discover card. Like, I yelled at him like, it was so ballsy. I could have ended that set. I did not.
- [70:23]
Kira Sultanovic
I kept going, oh, good for you.
- [70:25]
Adam Carolla
While people were cleaning up.
- [70:27]
Kira Sultanovic
Yep, yep. Cops came.
- [70:29]
Adam Carolla
I kept going.
- [70:30]
Kira Sultanovic
Tops came.
- [70:31]
Adam Carolla
Oh, cops came. Yes.
- [70:33]
Kira Sultanovic
You know, I don't think I've ever flipped the table. And I feel like it's on my bucket list. Just because you want to be that guy. Maybe you're the guy that shows up to work the next day and how did you have fun last night? Yeah. Flip the table. Oh, wait, you're freezing. Still there.
- [70:59]
Adam Carolla
I am.
- [70:59]
Kira Sultanovic
All right. There. We're all right. We're back. Okay. Kira Sultanovic, final question of the podcast. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh.
- [71:13]
Adam Carolla
So many to choose from. Well, because, you know, when you're starting out.
- [71:19]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [71:20]
Adam Carolla
I mean, I did a hacky bit the other night. I'm not proud of it.
- [71:23]
Kira Sultanovic
Okay.
- [71:24]
Adam Carolla
It was a really old joke, and through crowd work, it kind of fit.
- [71:29]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah.
- [71:29]
Adam Carolla
So I just said it, and I haven't said it in a really long time, but a while ago, when I got engaged. So this is how old I've been married to my husband 16 years. That's how old. This bit is a long, long, long time ago. Do you remember it was like a big deal to. To get conflict free diamonds.
- [71:51]
Kira Sultanovic
Yes. So not blood diamonds.
- [71:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, exactly. Now, as she asked me, she goes, is your ring. Is your diamond conflict free? Is your ring conflict free? And I said, ever since I got this thing, it's been nothing but conflict. So stupid. That's so stupid. But I said, it's kind of.
- [72:19]
Kira Sultanovic
You know what it is? It's one of those jokes that presents itself. The math all checks out. You. You run the numbers and you go, nope, that absolutely works. And I'm gonna do it.
- [72:31]
Adam Carolla
It's a silly joke.
- [72:32]
Kira Sultanovic
Yep.
- [72:34]
Adam Carolla
And I don't know why, after a decade. I haven't done it in over a decade. It came up the other night and I was like. I felt dirty.
- [72:42]
Kira Sultanovic
I'm gonna ask you that for the rest of our lives. Whenever I see you, I'm gonna ask you. I'm gonna give you the setup to that bit. And hopefully we're at a party and people are around, and I'm gonna set you up to spike it.
- [72:56]
Adam Carolla
I love it. I'll do it.
- [72:58]
Kira Sultanovic
I'll just walk up and go, here, Is that a conflict free diamond? That's it. And then. And then I'll watch your eyes go wide with excitement.
- [73:07]
Adam Carolla
You know, I'll do anything for the bit. I really will.
- [73:12]
Kira Sultanovic
I have a bit. I have a bit with my kids that I insist. Ever since they were like five years old, I have insisted they do this bit. I walk in the room and if they're like, splayed out on the couch with their legs up, I'll go, are you comfortable? And then they have to say, I make a nice living.
- [73:35]
Adam Carolla
That's the best. That is the best. Here's what I taught my kids to do. Whenever they get a birthday card, trying to see if I have anything, they get a birthday card. I taught them to open it up and then like. Like, where's the check?
- [73:50]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. That's good. I like that.
- [73:53]
Adam Carolla
And then you kind of look in.
- [73:54]
Kira Sultanovic
It and look around, especially when it's from another kid.
- [73:59]
Adam Carolla
Like, yes, I have taught them. I do it. I do it to my husband. I do it to my husband.
- [74:06]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, I can't wait for my next holiday.
- [74:09]
Adam Carolla
I shake it. I go.
- [74:14]
Kira Sultanovic
All right, Kira, you are absolutely the best. And people are going to be able to see you when they go to Ann Arbor at the comedy showcase on October 17th to the 19th. Then you'll be at the Laugh Factory in Covina on October 24. Any other dates you want to yell at you?
- [74:32]
Adam Carolla
You know, I haven't updated my website. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to be at Big Bear with Adam Carolla.
- [74:38]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, yeah. They actually asked me to do that, and I'm out of town. That's going to be a blast.
- [74:42]
Adam Carolla
November 15th and 16th. So come on.
- [74:44]
Kira Sultanovic
Yeah, they told me you guys were doing it. I was like, man, that would have been so much fucking fun. They're going. They're going big on that. I think there's going to be another big name on the show.
- [74:52]
Adam Carolla
I think Kevin Nealon's doing it.
- [74:54]
Kira Sultanovic
Oh, okay.
- [74:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I think Nealon's doing it.
- [74:57]
Kira Sultanovic
All right, great. Well, also, check out what's the name of this sauna series?
- [75:03]
Adam Carolla
Let's Get Sweat. It's called let's Get Sweat.
- [75:10]
Kira Sultanovic
And people can find that on YouTube.
- [75:11]
Adam Carolla
Yes, sir.
- [75:12]
Kira Sultanovic
Okay. Kira, thank you so much. You're the greatest. And let's get in your sauna soon. Naked.
- [75:42]
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