Matt McCusker Episode 1126

Summary

Fitzdog Radio – Matt McCusker (Episode 1126)
Date: February 4, 2026
Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Matt McCusker

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Episode Overview

Greg Fitzsimmons sits down with comedian and podcaster Matt McCusker (of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast) for a distinctly honest, freewheeling conversation about comedy, gentrification, tattoo regrets, male vulnerability, and more. Both comedians trade stories from the road, reflect on contemporary comedy culture, and dig deep into the less-glamorous realities of showbiz, all while keeping the tone raucous, self-deprecating, and unfiltered.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Club Culture & Touring Woes

• Gentrification of Neighborhoods & Clubs (09:01–13:25)
  • Matt and Greg discuss how neighborhoods transform—from artists, to "the gays," to new owners—touching on changing landscapes in Philly and elsewhere.
  • Greg shares parallels between club business models and gentrification: "The clubs feel like they're the equity, like they're the ones selling the tickets, and that you're just the guy that's in that week." (12:34)
• Ticket Fees & Club Greed (13:13–13:50)
  • Matt expresses frustration at clubs charging huge ticketing fees and how they impact perception and earnings for comics.

2. The Life of a Comic: Sound Guys, Walk-Up Songs & Audience Culture

• Comedy Club Rituals (14:06–15:30)
  • Recap of the classic backstage parade of openers, sound guys, and walk-up music choices.
  • Greg: "The sound guy comes in, he's like the closer..." (14:28)
• Crowd Dynamics & Material Boundaries (16:27–17:38)
  • They discuss the shifting taste lines in clubs like Austin's Mothership—e.g., acceptable edginess.
  • Greg: "At the comedy mothership, you can do that by saying faggot or retard... throw a cunt, you can't say cunt right away. You gotta earn it." (16:27)

3. Comedy Specials: The Creative & Financial Realities

• Matt’s Special—A Humble Offering (17:38–20:50)
  • Greg praises Matt’s special for being thematic and carefully constructed.
  • Matt shares the challenges of filming it—physical injury, budget crunch, and the illusory financial windfall: "My whole family... thought Netflix gave me a cool million dollars. I actually lost, like, 30 grand." (20:46)

4. The Lived Reality of American Cities

• Venice Beach & Cultural Observations (21:31–23:10)
  • The guys riff on the changing demographics of Venice, differences in ethnic beachwear traditions, and everyday urban life.
  • Greg: “The Mexicans will go in the water in January ... in jeans.” (22:18)
• Philly’s Crime Spike & Pandemic Fallout (25:22–26:11)
  • Matt describes how organized gangs and increased surveillance make Philly feel intense and dangerous, especially during the pandemic.

5. Uber Rides & Life Stories

• Driver Interactions & Family Habits (23:46–25:03)
  • Both comics love learning about their Uber drivers’ backgrounds.
  • Matt’s mom sits in the front seat; Greg’s Irish mother hugs every driver.

6. Solitary Confinement, Prison History & Dark Jokes

• Eastern State Penitentiary & Prison Theories (26:13–27:11)
  • Matt gives a brief history of Philly’s historic prison and how solitary confinement started.
  • This segues into a long riff about what men would do if left alone in a cell with a dildo—delivered with characteristic gross-out humor.

7. Sex, Marriage, and Male Horniness

• Adolescent Experiments & Married Male Desires (29:48–31:52)
  • Candid talk about sexual quirks, first masturbation stories, and the enduring power of perfume: “If I smell a woman's perfume, I will follow her and I'll speed up to get to the elevator. I swear to God, I do that all the time.” (30:20, Greg)

8. Stereotypes, Foot Fetishes, and the Societal Expectations for Women

• Women’s Shoes & Physical Expectations (34:46–36:12)
  • Discussion about “torture” of high heels and cultural foot-binding, both lamenting unnecessary suffering for aesthetics.

9. Tattoos, Regrets, and Identity

• Matt’s “Don’t Tread on Me” Snake Tattoo (56:56–58:52)
  • Matt admits instant regret at his only tattoo, which morphed from countercultural symbol to something with uncomfortable political connotations.

10. Epstein, Conspiracy Talk & Changing Social Mores

• Who’s on the List & What It Means Now (59:51–64:29)
  • They discuss the ever-expanding list of famous Epstein associates, the unreliability of truth in a post-AI age, and how what’s considered outrageous changes with time.
  • Matt: “In the 90s, it was like jail bait was the thing people laughed about. Now it's like you're a pedophile.” (66:01)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Club Security in Austin
  "Here's the thing about security at the Mothership. They're Navy SEALs.... And the boyfriend gets thrown out too. You're out and your fucking boyfriend who's a cuck who didn't control you during the show." – Greg (00:20)

• On the Role of Gay People in Gentrification
  "First you get the artists. Then you get the gays. And then you get the Jewish owners." – Greg (10:59) "I never heard the Jewish owners part. I always heard the gays and the artists." – Matt (11:06)

• On Comedy Special Budgets
  "I actually lost, like, 30 grand on the whole thing." – Matt (20:50)

• On Audience Reaction to Risky Material
  "You can't say cunt right away. You gotta earn it." – Greg (16:41)

• On Perfume and Lust
  "If I smell a woman's perfume, ... I'll run to an elevator." – Greg (30:20)

• On the Efficacy of Solitary Confinement
  "The idea was if you put someone by themselves with the Bible for long enough, they would have a change of heart. And then they found out later it just makes people go fucking insane." – Matt (26:34)

• On Getting Recognized
  "That's the thing, too. You don't even think about that. It's like, I could have been a fucking real dick [at Home Depot], but I had calmed down by the time he came." – Matt (40:12)

• On Podcast & Patreon Success
  "We're number one on Patreon. No, we're number one." – Matt (79:38)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Comedy Club War Stories & Security: 00:20–03:00
• Gentrification, Neighborhoods, and Clubs: 09:01–13:25
• Specials: Budgets, Injury, and Netflix Realities: 17:38–22:00
• Venice Beach, Urban Demographics, and Culture: 21:31–23:10
• Uber Confessions & Family Habits: 23:46–25:03
• Crime in Philly and Urban Dangers: 25:22–26:11
• Prison History and Solitude Riffs: 26:13–28:10
• On Sex, Scent, and Memory: 29:48–31:52
• Shoes, Fetishes, and Societal Preferences: 34:46–36:12
• Tattoo Regrets & Identity: 56:56–58:52
• Epstein, Political Scandal & Post-Truth: 59:51–64:29
• Fastballs with Fitz (Lightning Round Q&A): 68:43–78:00
• Wrap-up & Matt's Success: 78:00–80:24

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"Fastballs with Fitz" Segment (68:43–78:00)

Notable Questions & Short Answers:

• Ever been arrested? Once—for underage drinking. “It sucked. I was really bad.” (69:17–69:24)
• Losing virginity: “In a backyard somewhere. I had outdoor sex as well.” (71:42–71:48)
• Worst comedy opener: Story about a double-silent-bomb set, where openers stood silently for minutes. (73:05–74:00)
• Closest to a stage fight: Phoenix, where his wife confronted a heckler. (74:42–75:34)
• Hackiest bit ever: “I had to do a clean show once, and I said, ‘can’t even handle all that booty.’ As it left my mouth, I was like, fuck, that was the worst.” (76:11–76:57)

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Concluding Notes

Matt and Greg’s conversation is at once raw, lively, and genuinely intimate—a behind-the-scenes peek at the less polished, more self-aware side of two comics reflecting on their pasts and present. The episode will be especially valuable for fans interested in the mechanics of comedy, the shifting boundaries of what’s permissible on stage, and the realities behind podcast and standup success.

Check out Matt’s special “A Humble Offering” on Netflix and listen to “Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast” for more of his comedic perspective.

Transcript

[A]

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Start your risk free Greenlight trial [e-mail] Spotify that's greenlight.com Spotify Foreign. Hey, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. I'm your intrepid host, just back from Austin, Texas, baby. The great state of Texas. Austin. The Mothership. All weekend sold out shows. Thank you everybody for coming out and providing four out of five great audiences. One with a fucking drunken bitch up front who would not shut up. Had to get. Here's the thing about security at the mothership. They're Navy SEALs. So when you heckle and you talk to the comedian in the middle of his jokes, they come and they throw you out. And it's aggressive. I like it. I don't like people getting thrown out, but when they are thrown out, I like it to be decisive. And the boyfriend gets thrown out too. You're. You're out and your fucking boyfriend who's a cuck who didn't control you during the show. And the same goes both ways. If your husband's a fucking asshole and and his girlfriend or wife does not calm him down, you both go, you both get the fuck out. And then I cheer up. It was great. I want to thank Jimmy Moynihan and Nick Murphy. The guys that opened for me did an amazing job. Always great young comics come out of the, out of the, the Mothership and these guys just kind of blew me away. So that was cool. Did kill Tony last night with Sal from Impractical jokers and then Dr. Phil. So that was a hot episode that's gonna blow up. I kind of bombed on my first joke and I went into kind of a shutdown for, like, the first half hour of the show where I didn't say anything. Well, Sal Volcano is very funny and Dr. Phil obviously, so they didn't need me. But I kinda. It was like I got hit in the jaw in the first round and I had to. I had to cover up for a round. And then I came back out strong and it was good. Um, and then I did. What else did I do? Um, Oh, I did. Cody Tucker's got a good podcast. I did his while I was in town. And then obviously I had Matt. Matt McCusker was in Austin, so I rented a studio and he came down and you'll hear that interview in just a moment. But I'm happy to be back in LA. It's 68 degrees today. Me and the wife took a hike up in the Palisades. I had not been to the Pacific Palisades since the fires, and it's devastating. It's a wasteland. It's just, you know, buildings that are just. Just burnt metal and a couple brick walls left, blocks of houses that are leveled and a lot of new one. There's no finished houses yet. There's a bunch of houses getting framed out, but I hadn't seen that before. It was disturbing. And then we went on this beautiful hike. If you ever go to LA and you want a great hike, there's one that's called Los Leones, and it's in the Palisades off Sunset Boulevard. And it is a windy cutback trail with amazing views and it's really lush and the creek runs through it. And go see that. So we did that, got our steps, got hot and came back, jumped in the hot tub, little outdoor shower. And now gonna have dinner and binge, watch some tv. All right, let's get to it. I will be in Sacramento this weekend at the punchline, February 5 through 7. Philadelphia Helium, February 13 through 15. Lexington, Kentucky, February 19 through 21. Houston, February 26 through 28th at the punchline. Then I'll be in Fort Worth. I'll be in Janesville. I'll be in Bakersfield. Go to fitzdog.com, pick up some tickets, Come on out. Shows are selling out. Don't wait. Do it now. Also want you to do something now. I want you to go to bluechew.com because they just dropped something. I don't know how else to describe it, except the Olympics are coming up. You, you. You could be in the Olympics. You could be a champion Blue Chew gold. It's. It's the newest innovation from the number one chewable ED brand. It's. It's got these two magic ingredients that help make it all happen. Apomorphine and oxytocin. So I don't know how that works, but. But it works. I have been mailed some. I have used it. And two thumbs up. And you can't see what else is up because it's out of the screen. But just trust me, these two thumbs aren't the only things that are up right now. Thank you. Bluechew. Listen, I had it. I had a period where I was taking antidepressants and suffering a little bit of ED and really, what cures your depression more than a flaccid penis? So bluechew is there for me. I would do these ads for free, and I highly suggest you do. And, ladies, you need to tell your man, send him a link so he can hook you both up and enjoy your bed like you have never before. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options. @bluechew.com we got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew Gold with code Fitz Dog. That's promo code fitzdog. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. Okay, let's get to my guest. He's a guy who. I've been on his podcast before. His Matt and Shane secret podcast. Shane was away, so I filled in, and we're. We had a blast. Hung out with him at Skank Fest. Great dude. And he's got an awesome special called A Humble Offering that you should check out on Netflix. Here's my chat with the great Matt McCusker. Well, we're talking about dead hookers right.

[B]

Out of the gate. Well, not even. They weren't even hookers. They were just, like standard gay guys.

[A]

Oh, they weren't.

[B]

So that was kind of the thing. If you got found dead in the lake, everyone went, oh, damn. I didn't know he was gay.

[A]

Not only killed, but outed at the same time. And wet.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Soaked to the bone.

[A]

Yeah, maybe that's. Maybe it was a test, like they used to do in medieval days to see if you're a witch, to see if you'd float.

[B]

It's not bad. That's actually. That's a. That's the best theory I've heard so far.

[A]

Yeah, because gays are good swimmers. That's the only thing that will work against that theory. You look at Greg Louganis Yeah. After his dives, man, he got to the side of the pool fast.

[B]

Yeah, that's actually. That's a good point. You have to. But they're a hard partier.

[A]

So the gays.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I see. If that could inhibit their.

[B]

Catch them on a Saturday night. I don't think they're swimming that well.

[A]

Swimming in cock. Swimming and semen. Yeah. The gays in Austin, they congregate in one area. Is there like a gay bar strip?

[B]

You know, Philly has like the gayborhood we call it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I don't really. I haven't seen it down here. Is there an area?

[A]

I'm just asking for a friend.

[B]

True. I mean, I don't even know, honestly, but I've definitely. I was at a bar one time and I remember thinking, like, maybe this is like the gay area.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it was like a totally hetero sports bar. But the one I was at, but it was like, I don't know. I don't think there's like a gay neighborhood. Like, San Francisco has theirs, Philly has theirs.

[A]

I would argue that a sports bar has close to the same ratio of gay guys in it as a gay bar.

[B]

It's true, actually.

[A]

You know, guys are that hell bent if you know, what's the number? If you know more than 1000 names of athletes currently playing, you might be a homosexual.

[B]

That's a fair theory.

[A]

Should we do it? Jeff Foxworthy. You might be a homosexual.

[B]

Sports guys don't like that, though. And you call them gay for loving sports, they'll immediately counter and be like, dude, you don't understand. You're gay because you don't like it. It's like, all right, because you don't like sports. I don't follow. I like to play sports. I don't follow them at all, though, so.

[A]

Not at all.

[B]

Not at all. Like, not even a little bit.

[A]

I. I kind of pictured you as knowing every quarterback in the history of Notre Dame.

[B]

No, that's all Shane. I don't know. I'm. I don't know anything about professional sports.

[A]

I called Shane gay. The last time we did a podcast, I never got back to it. Was your podcast, really? Yeah. And I was like, I think Shane's gay.

[B]

Oh, you were in my podcast?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were right in this room.

[B]

I don't know. Maybe I don't even. I don't know if that ever got back to him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or maybe he's burning with hatred for you.

[A]

I know. I like that.

[B]

Why do you think he Was gay.

[A]

I was just doing it to poke him because it was his own podcast.

[B]

Giving a little razzing.

[A]

Yeah. But no, gay guys are, you know, they usually dictate, like, where the cool bars are. It's definitely the best real estate. They always say an up and coming neighborhood. First you get the artists.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you get the gays. And then you get the Jewish owners.

[B]

Mmm.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I never heard the Jewish owners part. I always heard the gays and the artists.

[A]

Oh, God. Are you kidding me?

[B]

The Jewish owners, when do they come in?

[A]

They come in once it's been established.

[B]

Oh. And they. Yeah, okay, fair enough. They build the multi families.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, they come in and they. They turn shitholes into, you know, refurbished stuff.

[B]

No, there was a famous guy in Philly who was, like, pretty unabashedly gentrifying all the areas, and he was just like, dude, I'm making this place awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And everyone. People were pretty mad at him, but he started a coffee shop and his coffee, you know, baristas, whatever, tried to unionize on him and he shut down the entire chain. There was, like, multiple of them.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

I'll just close the whole thing down. Really close the entire, like, however many. There were like two or three of them.

[A]

That's like Apocalypse now when the natives, they're getting the inoculations and then they chop all their arms off. And that's Brando goes the horror.

[B]

It was a ruthless move.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll just. I'll lose money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Rather than giving you more, like, I'll lose money.

[A]

There's comedy clubs like that where they go. I'm not gonna say which chain, but. But they would bring in national headliners. And then the agents start asking for the money that they actually deserved. And they just went local. They went, all right, well, we'll just, you know, they feel like some of the clubs feel like they're the equity, like they're the ones selling the tickets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that you're just. You're just the guy that's in that week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Yeah, I've noticed the. Also the ticket fees are a little crazy now.

[A]

I know. Oh, you mean on top of what people are.

[B]

Yeah, they'll fee. Like, I was at a place and the fee was 20% of the ticket, and I was like, yeah, how are you guys commissioning my tickets? 20%?

[A]

Well. And the clubs own the ticketing service?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, one does. Yeah, one does.

[A]

Which means not only is he making the money off the tickets, he's. He's he's getting all the information. He's getting the demographics of who's buying. He knows which comics are selling how many tickets on shows.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pretty crazy. This was a totally different club, though, that was doing. They were like, well, we're going to do ticket fees. And they were like. It was like 14 bucks. It was crazy. I was. I had a call. I'm like, what are you. What is this?

[A]

It's also like, the price of tickets for a show has gone through the roof. It used to be. I mean, I've been doing it for a lot longer than you, but, like, you know, it used to be 15 bucks to see a show. Now it's like, high 30s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For most clubs.

[B]

No, I know. It's. It's crazy. I was at a club one time and I just, like, checked. I was like, wonder if it sold out? And I checked the thing, and my tickets were $48. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, and it was. Because there was a giant fee on there. It was just like, dude.

[A]

Oh, I see. And they're. And you're not getting. And your bonus is based on ticket sales.

[B]

Yeah, but it also looks.

[A]

Hiding that.

[B]

But they also look like I was charging 48 bucks. And it's like, yeah. And then they go, well, we are overhead. It's like, all right, you pay waiters $2 an hour. So.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The DJ.

[A]

The DJ. I love comedy club sound guys because they're always good guys. You know, they come in the green room. Like, you go in the green room, you sit down, you meet the opener. If you didn't bring your own opener, you meet the open server comes in. You want anything. Great. Manager comes in. Can I get you anything? You know, blah, blah. How much time do you want to do? And then finally, the sound guy comes in. He's like the closer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, what do you want to walk up to? And that's always. That's always a great opportunity.

[B]

And they're always very like, I got you, man. Whenever I'm like, we gotta like, fast forward like 10 seconds. Dude, I got you come out. Totally wrong song. You're like, ah, fuck, man.

[A]

Yeah, right. But the opening song, everybody shouldn't go for Van Halen or Guns N Roses. It depends on your act. It should, like, you don't want to walk out, like, welcome to the gym. Be like, my parents were alcohol. You know, do some Simon Agarfunk if you're gonna pull that shit.

[B]

Yeah, true. I tried doing just ambient music Like a spa music.

[A]

Really did.

[B]

I thought it'd be funny. Like really kind of tanked the vibe pretty hard. That didn't work. I do like very aggressive, like electronic music. I think that's kind of.

[A]

That's good. Yeah, I do. If I'm in a redneck town, I'll play the national anthem when I walk out.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

And I did it kind of as a joke. It's no joke.

[B]

They're pumped.

[A]

They put their fucking hands on it. Like, you know, it's almost like they get pissed when you don't play the whole song.

[B]

Really?

[A]

They love that song.

[B]

Now do you come out and tell them you're obviously kidding or do you.

[A]

Come out like, thank you for your service? Yeah. Any soldiers here tonight? But you're a woman.

[B]

I saw the best thing I ever saw was a long, long time ago. I was doing like a bar show in New Jersey and you know, they had like one of the. This headliner there was like one of those guys who's always around those shows who kind of just like does all that, that whole circuit and he. He's bombing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'll never forget at the mid bomb, he goes, guys, give it up for the troops. And the crowd goes crazy. So, yeah, anyway, so like I was saying, it was amazing. Unironically. It's been good for the troops guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just tossed it in. Their crowd immediately freaked out, was on his side again. It was like, it's pretty good.

[A]

I feel a little bit like at the comedy mothership, you can do that by saying faggot or retard. They love when you say faggot or retard. And then if you throw a cunt, you can't say cunt right away. You gotta earn it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's some of that. They get pretty fired up sometimes if you hit them with like. Yeah, if you get them like with a hard fag or whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Even I've seen political talk. A little bit of political talk will get the guys going sometimes.

[A]

Well, that's what's funny about the mothership is it's got this reputation of being this right wing bastion for bro comedy. But I mean, I'm not right wing and I go up there and I'm not like a bleeding heart liberal, but I definitely am doing some like anti ice jokes. I'm doing some corporate corporations around America and same reaction I get in any club.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's not. You're not like pigeonholed into where they don't laugh at stuff.

[A]

No, it's a blue city.

[B]

Yeah, but I, you know, there's. It's funny there. There's a. You can hit the line with them. I've hit the line where they're like, no.

[A]

About politics.

[B]

No. Just, like, just gross bodily stuff. Nobody likes it. They're like, there's no haven for this at all.

[A]

Well, what's tough is you and I. You and I are similar. By the way, I saw you at Skank Fest and I told you how much I enjoyed your special. Oh, really? Fucking quality special. And I'll be honest, like, we never were in the same city, so I've never seen you stand up very much. And it's a really coherent hour. A lot of people, they do an hour of comedy, but it's not built out with themes in each section and building towards an ending where you really, like. You really hit your stride in the last third in terms of talking more about ideas than concepts. I think you and I are similar. We both like concepts that are a little bit in your face. You know, like stuff about like, I want to beat my kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, or, you know, or religion. Like bringing. Bringing religion into it or whatever. But. But then in the last third, it just gets kind of like real personal and it's just as funny. Like, there's a lot of laughs per minute.

[B]

Well, thank you.

[A]

It doesn't lay off the jokes, but, yeah, it's really good. Congratulations.

[B]

That's my. My Achilles heels. The first, like, 10 minutes are so slow. I always. Every time do an hour. The first ten are just like. They're always like, we should have cut these for this first.

[A]

I did cut my last special. I showed it to a Tal and he was like, dude, you're. The first four minutes, you're. You're stiff because they're good jokes, but you're stiff. Cut it out. I cut it out.

[B]

Yeah. That's smart. They're trying to get me to cut my first 10. I was like, just leave it in there. It all builds up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right?

[B]

But yeah, I've been trying to be conscious of that because I really do. Slow roll it in there. First 10.

[A]

You're nervous on a special.

[B]

I know, dude. I was. I. I'd hit my head, too. I had a big cut on my head. I had a vfx. My. I'd have a head wound.

[A]

From what?

[B]

Filming the intro. I had to wear, like, this shoulder pack camera mount. Yeah, I had it on for. They're like the whole. I didn't know. They're not going to have me wear it at all. So I had a body double. And then one of the shots was in bed with my wife. And I was like, dude, I'll do this. Relax. Like, I can do this. They're like, kick your foot down. I kicked, and the thing just whacked me right in the head. I had four, like, lines in my head.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Bleeding wounds. They had to put makeup on it.

[A]

Actually, dude, that would have worked. I had that exact thought when I watched your cold open, which is so fucking dark and funny. I thought to myself, it would actually be funny if you went on stage with a black guy. And I thought about it. I go, could you get a makeup person to give you a black guy that was realistic or not, dude, for sure. So you should have kept it. You should have kept.

[B]

I know, but I had. The problem was I filmed for two nights, so I had stuff from the one night, stuff from the second, and. Yeah. And it also was like they had tried to cover it, so it looked. It was like they actually matched my skin tone. And then as soon as I went on stage, my face just turned red, and then it was a white. Just fucking center.

[A]

To go in digitally and take it out.

[B]

The whole special VFX. Yeah. For like, 100 shots.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Crushed my budget. Yeah. It killed me. I was laughing because my. My whole family, most of them all do kind of, like construction stuff, so they don't have any sense of, like, entertainment. So they were like, oh, you had a Netflix special, so obviously they gave you a cool million dollars.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, no, I actually lost, like, 30 grand on the whole thing.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, I lost money.

[A]

Yeah. People don't tour.

[B]

You make it back and all that.

[A]

Well, the Netflix business model is either you shoot something yourself and then you show it to them and they buy it, or they give you the money up front and then you. Whatever you don't spend, you put in your pocket.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's not enough to do a special the way most people want to do it.

[B]

Yeah, well, you have to hit the quality, like, standard, too. And I knew I was going to just use the whole thing and just go nuts. I was like, I'm going to try to, like, you know, the intro was complete. That was, like, third of the budget.

[A]

Was it?

[B]

Yeah, it was expensive. We filmed, like, for, like, a day and a half.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

But it was worth it.

[A]

Totally worth it. And then the ending. What beach was that?

[B]

Venice.

[A]

That was Venice Beach. That's where I live.

[B]

Do you really? Yeah. Yeah, that's Venice beach, right near the pier. I was surprised how far the bike got into the water.

[A]

No, it's very. It's. If it's high tide, it goes. It goes. It stays low for a long way.

[B]

That's what it was. And I could have rode it even further, but my friend Tyler Falbo was directing it. We used his friend's bike, and his friend was like, please don't lose my bike in the ocean. And I was like, kind of wanted to go all out, but I just let it down early.

[A]

That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. Venice beach, man. It's a great beach.

[B]

Yeah, it was nice.

[A]

You know, people think that Venice is filled with homeless people, and that's what I'd heard.

[B]

I went there and it was fine. It was super nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was weird, though, because we filmed that, like, 10:30 at night, and there was still a lot of, like, families on the beach at nighttime, which I thought was kind of odd.

[A]

Well, Mexicans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. The Mexicans will go in the water in January and they'll stay in there.

[B]

Yeah. It was wild, man.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I mean, to be fair, I was riding a bike into the ocean and they were just kind of like. They were just like a family beach night, just chilling. Why the. This guy doing this?

[A]

And also the outfits are funny because the Mexican dudes will go in the water in jeans.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And a tank top.

[B]

Pretty much do anything in jeans. Basketball.

[A]

Timberlands. They're playing basketball and Timberlands and Levi's. Are you Mexican? Yeah. What is it with you people?

[B]

I like to be comfortable. Jeans in the ocean is kind of boss.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right, right. I will say I've seen a lot. I've seen an influx because I grew up going to the Jersey shore. We see. We. There's a lot of Indian families there now, and they'll rock some pretty wild into the ocean too.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Just like, for the women especially, like, full, like, whatever.

[A]

Saris.

[B]

Yeah, like all that stuff. And just jump in the water. Yeah.

[A]

Nice, dude. I had an Indian Uber driver the other day, and he had his phone mounted on the dashboard, and while he was driving, he had a Bollywood movie playing that he was mostly watching. What, more than driving me?

[B]

Did you say anything or just let it?

[A]

No, it was fucking great. The movie was amazing. I stayed for his next three rides. I want to see how it ended. No. And I was just like. And you realize, like, these guys, they're driving 12, 14 hours a day.

[B]

Yeah. Those hardcore ones wake up at like, three in the morning. And then I think, I don't know. I don't know if you can still do this, but I think what they would do is they would drive for Uber for like, the maximum amount of time. Switch to Lyft or something like that.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah, they put in like 16 hour shifts. It's pretty nuts. Yeah, you start at three. It's. It's pretty intense. Honestly.

[A]

I love talking to my drivers. I love finding out, like, the inside of what's really going on in Ukraine. You get these guys say, well, my brother called me yesterday and that's fucking great.

[B]

Yeah, I, I'm, I'm. I get a lot of flack for that. People are always like, oh, I don't want to be bothered. I'm like, I'm. I. I want to know everything about them when I'm in that Uber. Yeah, yeah, it's nice too.

[A]

I think I got it from my mom who's, you know, Bronx, Irish. And so, like, every time she goes to the airport, the driver will drop her off, take out her bag, and then there's a long hug every time.

[B]

That's so nice.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I got my mom an Uber once. I was like, because I need. We were living in Philly and I was like, please, we need you to help us. We have to do something. You please come to the house. She's like, I don't like driving to the city. I was like, just, come on, I'll get you an Uber. It was like a 30 minute drive. The Uber pulled up. It's the first time. She just got in the front seat next to the guy. Just sat next to the guy.

[A]

Yeah, that's the best.

[B]

I wasn't going to sit in the back. Like, he's like my charioteer. I'm like, he's literally your driver. Yeah, sit next to him. Such a weird mood.

[A]

I had a dude pick me up in a pickup truck that had no cab in the back. Really? Yeah. I sat in the front with this guy with my shit in the open back, my suitcase in the open back, which, you know, depending on the city, that you could do a red light, that shit's gone. Philly is really still fucking dangerous, isn't it?

[B]

Yeah, Philly's bad, man. Especially during the pandemic. That was like, because we. Philly has like a camera grid where, like, you know, people are being monitored and stuff.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then once the mask came out, I was like, dude, we're done. Like, it's like we have like, Philly has like, real organized gangs that are like trying to kill each other all the time. So if you get to be like, slip that surveillance, it's like in. The murder rate spiked. Yeah, I knew. I knew a guy who was telling me he, like, he went to jail, got out, and now he's like, you know, not a criminal, but he was like, dude, if this had happened back like 10 years ago, I would have robbed every store. Every. Every store I saw, I would have robbed. Yeah. But now it's never really recovered. Honestly, it's like, it's, you know, we. We moved out of there like three years ago. It was just dangerous, man. It was just like, it was just non stop, just like carjacking and like, we were like a nice area. It was still shootings, robbings, all that stuff.

[A]

What area are you in?

[B]

Fairmount.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

That Fairmount's near, like the Eastern State Penitentiary.

[A]

Sounds great.

[B]

Oh, it's a historical thing. It was the first. It's like, it's just. You tore it now.

[A]

Have you taken the tour?

[B]

Yeah, it was really, really good. It's narrated by Steve Buscemi.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah. You do the audio tour? Yeah. The Eastern State Penitentiary was designed by the Quakers, who actually invented solitary confinement.

[A]

No way.

[B]

That was the idea behind solitary. Eastern State Penitentiary was set up so that you went in there, they put a hood over your head. You were by yourself the entire time. You had a little room with a little backyard and just a Bible. And the idea was if you put someone by themselves with the Bible for long enough, they would have a change of heart in a positive direction. And then they found out later it just makes people go fucking insane and, like, act way worse.

[A]

Do you think if you did the same thing with a dildo and a guy in a room, he would eventually stick it up his ass?

[B]

100%. Yeah. If you were alone, that would be so fucked up. Just you and a dildo. For three years, every day he's looked.

[A]

At it, they come in and change the batteries once a month.

[B]

Just test them out. Yeah, that would be. Man, that'd be tough. Cause you would just think about it. Even if, like, you just constantly think about that dildo on the table, it.

[A]

Would be like Tom Hanks with the volleyball. You'd be talking. Yeah, you'd be talking to it. It's your friend. And at first you would just hold it in your hand and then maybe, you know, you'd kiss it. And then you'd go dick to dick. You'd do a little sword fight. But everybody knows who's going.

[B]

You want dick to dick. Yeah, I guess you are.

[A]

I want to be rude. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, you would. I think you would just more so like, kind of walk around. You probably use it first as like a nunchuck sort of thing. Yeah, like real master.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

Then you would probably just lay in bed one night, just kind of stroke it. I swear to God, though, if you really put a guy alone with a dildo for five years. Yeah. There. There's no way it's just going to sit there and never someone's going to do something with it, do you think?

[A]

More likely, if it's shit, because some dildos have the crown, the shaft, they'll even have like a little vein on the top of the shell, like they really get. And even balls. Or just more of a female. You know, they like those sleek ones.

[B]

Like a modular vibrator.

[A]

Yeah. Like a postmodern. It looks like some modern art or something, you know? Like, I think that if it looked like a dick, it's more likely because it. You know.

[B]

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. If it has vibrating capabilities, there's no way, because the dude will just use it to jerk off.

[A]

Oh, he'll hold it against his own deck.

[B]

Yeah. Vibrate your balls.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

So vibrating capabilities is like, that's lights out.

[A]

And then you will eventually touch your anus with it while masturbating. Because let's not kid ourselves. That feels good. My first masturbations, I used to put a number two pencil up my ass. I was like 14.

[B]

What?

[A]

And I had it in the. In my. My bedside table. I had a number two pencil.

[B]

Where. Where did you even think of that from?

[A]

I don't know. I must. I must have been doing homework before I. Jerk.

[B]

True. Number two pencil. What a great start.

[A]

Well, eraser first. I mean, come on.

[B]

Or unsharpened. The blunt edge of an unsharpened pencil.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Erase. Dude, that's fucking crazy. What'd you do with the pencils afterwards?

[A]

Did I use the same one over and over?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Did your friend.

[A]

You try to erase your work?

[B]

You've run this experiment.

[A]

You leave a brown line when you try to erase your work. Your teacher's like, why? You're supposed to use a yellow highlighter. Why are you using a brown highlighter?

[B]

Damn, dude, that's fucking wild.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pencil up the butt.

[A]

Pencil up the butt. But, I mean, you know, there's nice nerve endings back there.

[B]

True. Yeah. It's undeniable. There was like, a Million fucking nerve endings.

[A]

So, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyone fucked with your ass at all.

[B]

Once, I thought it was just too much. You know what I mean? It was like. I remember being like, yeah, obviously it's undeniably pleasurable, but it's like, I have enough, like, appetites. I'm trying to get under control. I don't want to say I'm just going to keep that door shut and just, you know, worry about it later.

[A]

Yeah. That's the other thing I think you and I have in common is we're like married guys who are horny.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You know, and it just. Like that thing you have about, like, I don't cheat, but, like, if I smell a woman's perfume, like, I will follow her and I'll speed up to get to the elevator. Like, I swear to God, I do that all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll run to an elevator, do that, speed walk in the hallway.

[B]

Yep. Same with hot cashiers. If there's a hot cashier, I'm like, like, we're available. I'm like, I'm good. I'm going to wait for. Like, I'll just wait in this line.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's like, I don't want. I'm going to go to the hottest cashier, obviously.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's my right to choose.

[A]

So I go through my Uber rides. I'll cancel the ride if she's ugly.

[B]

She was like, nah, it's not worth my money.

[A]

But perfume also, like, I realized how much of my senses, like, my olfactory senses, like, might be my strongest one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, if I smell. If I'm walking through the park, I'll smell some nice perfume. I'll whip my head around and be like, some old lady, Some fat old lane. You'll be like, what the fuck?

[B]

I. I'll smell a sense that, like, I knew, like, I. People I dated. Like, I'll recognize the scent and I'll go like, oh, man. It's. It's like my memory and sense of smell is really. I think everyone's is, but, like, mine's, like, very connected.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'll get, like, deja vu. I'll, like, smell a certain perfume and be like, oh, yeah, I know that perfume.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But the.

[A]

There was this woman. I used to be a parking attendant at a country club in New York, and this woman would show up, and her husband was. His name was Ron Fischetti, and he was John Gotti's lawyer. And so he had big money, and he belonged to the club, and his wife drove a Mazda XJ6. Beautiful. Like, you know, cherry red. And so she'd pull up and she was gorgeous, but like classy, gorgeous, you know, Italian. The dark skin and the cotton. Like Irish guys like women with dark skin, you know, well, you like them even darker. But like, but like, I was just so attracted to her Italianness. And so she pull up and she wore this tea rose. Perfect. Because I asked her, I go, what is it? What is your perfume? She says, tea rose. And she wasn't flirty, but she was just a nice, friendly person. And so she gets out of the car one day, I say, hi, Ms. Faschetti. She gets out and then I get behind the wheel and I put my foot on the brake and I'm looking at her and I put the car into drive. And as I put into drive, the wheels just fucking peel out. I lay down, I had my foot on the gas, not the brake. This is before they used to have the thing where you had to put. And so I went like 30ft down and I stop. Oh, and also like classic rock always playing. So classic rock T Rose. I'm looking at her ass and I just fucking gun it. And I look back and she goes like this.

[B]

She liked it.

[A]

She liked it.

[B]

Did you spray T Rose on a number two pencil before? Yeah. Right, right.

[A]

While playing Italian music.

[B]

Yeah. No, that either. For me it's like, you know, having like an Irish family. I just feel like women, like fair skinned women, they just look like my cousins to me. I'm like, you kind of look exactly like one of my cousins. Yeah.

[A]

I just like, gotta have a tan for me.

[B]

Exactly. I went all the way.

[A]

Yeah. Where I grew up, there was a lot of Latinos and I used to love the Latino girls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Big asses and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice feet.

[B]

Is that why you told me not to wear the flip flops?

[A]

Yeah. Now, I don't give a about men's feet, but I, I, I'm not a foot fetish guy, but I, it's one of the things I factor in olfactory sense.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Check.

[B]

Almost the same way. I don't, I'm not a big foot freak, but like, if there's a nice foot, I'm like, well, that's nice.

[A]

Yeah. You know Asian.

[B]

Yeah. Well, they, you know, it's like veal. I train them from. They do. Don't they train their feet? Am I mistaken? I thought they put them in like a box or something.

[A]

Yeah, they used to put, what do they call those? They would hop. They, yeah, they'd stick them in his shoes that were much too small because they wanted small feet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And they wouldn't let them outside because it was a sign of poverty if your wife had a tan and she had to work in the fields.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they made. They wanted a pasty white, and their feet would get all fucking shrunken.

[B]

Yeah. It's literally like a. It's like a cow. It's in, like, a industrial factory farm.

[A]

So sex.

[B]

Like a lightless box.

[A]

But even now, you see women, like, walking around in these. These stilettos where I've never put a pair on, but it looks like torture. The really tall ones where the toes are jammed into and it's pointy at the bottom.

[B]

I hate it. I fight my wife about this all the time. I'm like, why. Why are you doing this?

[A]

Oh, does she wear those?

[B]

Yeah, she likes to. Not all the time, but she likes to wear these, like, crazy heels. And it's like, I have two young daughters, so like, they like to do little play shoes with, like, a wedge. And I'm like, stop. Like, you're. You're gonna mess your knees up.

[A]

Like, this is.

[B]

It's the most insane. You're on your tippy toes standing on, like, a Popsicle stick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she's like. Well, it's actually, like, not. I'm like, it's definitely bad for your, like, legs, back, everything.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And it's like, for what?

[A]

For what? Well, it makes your calves look better. That's the whole argument. Okay, great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you get drunk and you fall on your face, you know, or.

[B]

Your ass flies up.

[A]

Or that look of, like, now you're walking home with your shoes in your hand.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

On city streets with your bare feet.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. They're always like. They're comfortable and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're walking barefoot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fucking Dave and Busters.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The. I don't. I don't do it. It fucking pisses me off. I don't like it. I'm like, you're. This is insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's also, like. I don't know a lot of guys who are like, oh, fuck, those heels are. So it's like, maybe in, like, maybe a long time ago, like in the.

[A]

70S and 80s, maybe.

[B]

Yeah. I could say. I think I heard Trump makes all the women in the White House wear heels.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. But guys also have to wear a suit, so it's like. Goes both ways.

[A]

I think he wants them in the heels because they can't run away as fast.

[B]

Could be. It could be.

[A]

I've never had a job where I had to wear a suit. I take that as a life victory. I mean, weddings and funerals.

[B]

Yeah, but still. It's not a job.

[A]

But not a job.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even on corporate dates, I just say I'm not wearing a suit. On your corporate letterman, you wore a suit. That was the only working job where you had to wear a suit when you did letterman.

[B]

That's fair, though. That's not. I've never My goal in life as a young child was to only ever have to wear sweatpants.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I always I was like, whatever job I have, you have to be able.

[A]

To wear sweatpants, sweatspants and a hoodie. What we're wearing right now. I mean, it start. I mean, I always liked it. But then the pandemic hit and I never look back. It's all I wear every day.

[B]

Yeah. I actually had the opposite. I wore sweatpants every day for like, decades. And then finally was like. Like literally a year and a half ago, I was like, I'm gonna start wearing jeans throughout the day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Feel. I feel more like, put together now. Something about sweatpants. If I wear them all day, every day, I start to just, like, devolve.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? I don't know. Something about it. It kind of fucks me up.

[A]

Yeah. It's kind of like unless you get nice ones. Like, I got a couple sweat suits with, you know, matching. Where you look a little bit like a Like a gangster.

[B]

Yeah. That's different. I I'm talking like, Wal Sweatpants.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Way too big. Like, it, like it, like, erodes my Even my sense of, like, morality starts.

[A]

To like youe penis is too accessible. I jerk off way more in sweatpants.

[B]

I'm telling you, My whole character just kind of evolved.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I'm wearing them too much, if I'm, like, working out, it's one thing. Yeah. All day, every day in the sweats. It's like, uhhuh. I finally had to like, you know, because I was wearing, like, not even the nice tapered. There was like, Russell's just like the classic shitty sweatpants everywhere. It's just kind of like a bummer. Yeah.

[A]

There's this guy. I did show up in Canada, and this guy offered to give me. He makes these designer velour sweatsuits. He calls them sweatseedos.

[B]

That's actually really nice.

[A]

And they're like it's like with Cedric the Entertainer would wear. They're like velour, like, burgundy with maroon stripes down the side.

[B]

It's Actually. Really? That'd be nice.

[A]

They're nice. And I wear that. That's kind of my airport. Airport outfit a lot.

[B]

That's good. That's acceptable. That's like a nice.

[A]

You know, because if you get recognized in the airport, you don't want to look like a bum in some Russell sweatpants.

[B]

Stained. Just obviously all stained, the drawstrings broken.

[A]

That's the worst. Are you getting recognized a lot more now?

[B]

A good amount. I was in a. I was rec. It's like here and there, depending on where I'm at. But I was in Home Depot renting a truck recently because I had to drive a giant TV for this other show we're doing. And I was in there, and I was like, it took forever to rent the Home Depot. Running trucks there. Apparently they had to, like, take pictures, come back in, back and forth. There's this one, like, really old guy who was just, like, taking forever. And I was, like, trying not to be a dick, but it was like I sat there for 25 minutes just waiting. And then I had luckily calmed myself down because I every. Now I'm pretty good about that, but if I get a little ornery, I can get kind of like, dude, this is ridiculous. So I was like, just relax.

[A]

That's a Josh now, by the way.

[B]

Is that a Josh?

[A]

Yeah. Instead of Karen, now they're calling it a Josh.

[B]

Yeah, dude. In my defense, I sat there for 30 minutes, and I was like, this is insane. It's taking this long. But if that's a Josh. I was. I was on the verge of joshing. I stopped, and I was next to an employee who was like. He sat with me the whole time, but he was like, oh, man, I can't help you, man. It's not my department. But then he told me all about all the different Home Depots, their sales records, and I was like, okay, all right, man. Thanks. You know, I'm sitting there like, cool. I appreciate, you know, the effort. And the. And the guy came, and I ended up, like, chilling. Was not like, you know, no, like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? And turned out to be a big fan of the podcast and show and everything. And I was just like, thank God I wasn't a fucking asshole. Yeah, that's the thing, too. You don't even think about that. It's like, I could have been a fucking real dick, but I had. I'd come. By the time he came, I was.

[A]

Like, the best is when it's like a hotel clerk or a rental car guy, and they recognize you because then you get that upgrade.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

I love an upgrade.

[B]

That's the best, honestly. Yeah, it's like a little mini hookup, and you're like, no, don't do. You don't have to do that. And you get it. You're like, yes.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

But no, I get like. It's kind of nice. I get, like. It's not, like, overwhelming. It, like, pop up every now and again. It's just kind of like a nice treat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think my wife likes it more than anything.

[A]

Yeah, you definitely get laid when you get recognized on the way to the hotel.

[B]

It all depends. At a restaurant, that's the thing, too. The restaurant's the best one. That's when you get, like, dishes and stuff, and you're like, oh, this is sweet.

[A]

Yeah, we got a. We got a free meal last night. This guy was a fan of mine, and he DM'd me, and he said, hey, come by my restaurant before. Do you know this place? It's right across the street from the Mothership. It's. I never know. I walked past it a million times, and it's called. I wrote it down because I wanted to give them a shout out.

[B]

Is it that Irish pub across the street?

[A]

No, no, that's around the corner.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

A Parkside. It's called.

[B]

No, I've never been there before.

[A]

Oysters on the half shell and filet mignon. And, like, it was. The guy was like, get whatever you want. He was sending stuff over the table.

[B]

Right across the street. Is it, like, you come out.

[A]

If you come out of Mothership, cross the street, make a right. It's on that.

[B]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I went there one time, just. I was like, I'm gonna get a drink before the show. And they had, like, really, really good food.

[A]

Yeah, it was great.

[B]

Wow. Okay, now I know you're talking. I thought you're talking about directly across the street. I was like, like, what the.

[A]

No, I mean, there's no food on 6th Street.

[B]

Except. Yeah.

[A]

At Edible at all.

[B]

The Taco truck. Taco Way is good.

[A]

That's a good truck.

[B]

Taco is good. And that. Whatever that place is. I didn't know it's called Parkside. That place was really good.

[A]

And then there's something. There's actually a place called, like, something Rabbit. That's not bad. If you. If you make a right out of the Mother ship, same side of the street, and you go down past Voodoo Donuts on the right. Yeah, there's A little place. That's good. Oh, dead rabbit. Dead rabbit. Dead rabbit's good. I got recognized. I got a colonoscopy. I go to the colonoscopy, and I put on the gown. You haven't had one yet, have you?

[B]

Just turned 40?

[A]

All right. You need one this year.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

Don't fuck around, man. Seriously.

[B]

No, my. My dad's dad had a colon cancer.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

So, yeah, I'm gonna get it for sure.

[A]

So I go in and I get the gown on backwards, and I'm laying there and I'm fucking humiliated. And it's like all these beds, and they don't even have sheets between the beds. So everybody's just laying there waiting to get their. So the anesthesialis comes over.

[B]

Hold on. You're saying it's like a World War II hospital?

[A]

Well, no, you. That's where you wait. They bring. They bring you into a room like.

[B]

The Forest Gump Hospital. Get the fuck out.

[A]

Everybody's missing an arm. Yeah.

[B]

So you're all waiting, and then you go in.

[A]

And then you go in, but the anesthesiologist comes out, and he consults with you first. So he walks over, and he picks up. He doesn't even look and picks up my chart, and he goes, greg, Fitz. Fitz, dog. And I'm laying there going like, no, no, dude. And he's like. He's looking at my meds that I take, and he's like, you take this and this and this and this. I go, I have depression. He goes, I never would have. I don't want this conversation. I never would have guessed you had depression.

[B]

I don't want to do this. That's kind of a nice compliment.

[A]

And so then he wheeled. But he was such a big fan that he wheeled me in the wrong room because he wasn't, like, doing his job proper properly. And so I go in the room, and I had, like, three or four solid colonoscopy jokes that I. That I said to the doctor and the nurse. And then they go, wait a minute. Who is this? And. And he's like, oh, sorry. Wrong. So you brought me to the right room. I didn't do the jokes again.

[B]

You know, it's like, yeah, yeah, you already did them.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

And he would have been like, yeah, I heard him do.

[A]

Exactly. It's a hack. I'm not a fan anymore.

[B]

Yeah, they knock you out, which is nice. That's. That's what I wonder. They just, like. Doesn't your doctor just also stick their finger up your Butt. Like, just in person as well. Is that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Which.

[B]

Do they do that anymore?

[A]

Is that they do it. And every time he does it, I get really sad for, like, two days. What?

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

Is that weird?

[B]

No, I could see that. Just kind of like. I don't know. It's kind of like a brutal.

[A]

Just felt violated.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause he goes in, he doesn't just go in. He starts fucking working it around.

[B]

Except for the prostate.

[A]

Yeah. And the problem is you get stimulated. Like, your penis feels like. I want to say I dripped a little bit of semen one time because.

[B]

Yeah, that's the point of it.

[A]

Yeah. They can get a semen sample by doing your. So a little bit of semen comes out and you're like, fuck. And your ass feels really good. I'm thinking about the number two pencil.

[B]

This is all I ever wanted.

[A]

I was like, can I get that pencil when you're done? It's my finger fuck.

[B]

Yeah. See, I gotta do all that stuff now. I gotta get all the butt doctor stuff coming up. So, yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get on the ball. Because that's a colon cancer. Something in my family for sure. And it's apparently so easily preventable.

[A]

If you get regular checkups, you will not die of prostate cancer or colon cancer. And the same thing with women with their breasts. And that's why, after the shows, what I'll do is. Yeah.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And that's free.

[B]

True.

[A]

I mean, I sell my pins. You got to pay for those.

[B]

That's a good idea.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, yeah, you're like. Yeah, it's not bad.

[A]

I bet you could do that.

[B]

You probably. You get at least, like, six. I feel like.

[A]

Yeah. Six breasts. Like three women.

[B]

No, I would say 12 breasts. Oh, six women. I feel you can get six women to let you squeeze their boobs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For medical reasons.

[A]

After show, women with fake boobs want you to feel their breasts. They're proud of them.

[B]

Them. Are they. Have they gotten better? Are they still, like, rock hard?

[A]

I don't know. I haven't touched any in a long time.

[B]

Good call. I don't know. You're bringing it up like they're better. I don't know. Yeah, but I remember them being, like, hard. Like, almost like a Barbie doll.

[A]

Like, just so unattractive.

[B]

Yeah, I was not.

[A]

A woman can be a smoking hot 10. She's got fake tits. I'm out.

[B]

Yeah. I don't.

[A]

I can't even look at her.

[B]

I like to see him fall. Fall and you know, I don't know if they like to stick straight up when they're on their back. It's kind of like.

[A]

It made me think if we were in Italy and we were looking at last year and we were looking at all the, the statues and the Roman statues, man, they knew how to make a breast. Like they, they've got like a nice little hang to them really. It's not like, you know, you see the ones in Egypt and they're like triangles, you know. And then the Roman ones, like, they look like they've like, they've worked, they've, they've, they've fed a baby.

[B]

Oh, really? So they were, they're not like you're talking, you're talking not like complete like young perkers. These are just like, they have a.

[A]

Crease almost between the breast and the chest cavity.

[B]

That's actually really nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So these are women. That's also too. You know, you're looking at a woman's breast because those statues could be of anybody.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You never think about that.

[A]

So he's got like a tiger's head and triangle tits. I'm not into that. Give me a Roman one. And she's got no head with. Which makes. Even better.

[B]

That's kind of nice.

[A]

Yeah. She can't fucking talk.

[B]

Just a mother's breast and a headless lady.

[A]

Three hands.

[B]

That would be nice.

[A]

Did you hear about that Siamese twins that just got married?

[B]

No. Someone was saying something about that. I didn't know what they were talking about, but they're saying that. Yeah, that one is dating. And it's like, does the other one feel what the other one feel? Where are they conjoined? At the head.

[A]

They have four sets of tits.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And. And then at the hips they come together and I wonder, I wonder if the guy gets to grab the other tits.

[B]

I mean. Think so. That would be crazy to have like, you know, almost like roommate sex every time.

[A]

It's like a three way every time.

[B]

It's gotta be. That'd be crazy if. Yeah, I mean it has to be. He's got to be. He's only marrying the one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Another one could just be his mistress.

[A]

He could never cheat on her with her sister.

[B]

I mean, he's essentially having sex with both of them every time.

[A]

Well, what I was thinking is like, because. And they said to the other one, like, how are you going to deal with sex? And she's like, I'm going to read a book. And it's like, now you're going to get fucked.

[B]

Yeah. Because they have the same. They share a vagina, I guess.

[A]

They share a vagina. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, she's. Whatever. It's also. That's tough though, because then if the. Well, you know, you. If you get one, you need kind of need like it's like the Senate. You need like two. You're need two votes every time. Because if the one's like, not now, that's tough, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Although maybe they're just like, whatever, you know. I'm not a Siamese twin. I'd imagine if I was and someone was like, I'm gonna fuck you, I'd be like, all right.

[A]

You think the Sklar brothers ever had a three way?

[B]

Who or what are they?

[A]

You don't know the Sklar?

[B]

I know them. But are they twins?

[A]

Yeah, they're identical twins.

[B]

Oh, okay. So I thought. I was thinking there was a third one. I'm like, who's the third one? No, I thought you're talking about a homo incestuous three way. So the two of them, I would imagine. Yeah, yeah, I would imagine two brothers, for sure.

[A]

I never did with my brother. But we've. We've slept with. With some of the same women.

[B]

Eskimo bros with your bro.

[A]

Is that what it's called?

[B]

Yeah, Eskimo bros.

[A]

Anytime you two guys sleep with one woman, you're Eskimo bros. Yeah.

[B]

Eskimo brothers.

[A]

You and Shane ever Eskimo bro?

[B]

No, we have never Eskimo broed. Not that I think. Not that I know. I don't think so.

[A]

My first time having sex was an Eskimo bro. I had a bet with my friend Sneaky Pete. We were like 14 and we said, whoever gets laid first gets 20 bucks. Which 20 bucks when you're 14 in 1982 is a lot.

[B]

Yeah, that's a significant pot.

[A]

Yeah. So. So when we made a caveat, once we turned 16, we each had, like, had a chance to have sex, but, like, it wasn't the right situation. So we. So we said, all right, so let's.

[B]

Your Siamese twin wasn't down.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Right, right. One was in, one was out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I said, let's make it if one guy does, the other guy gets a week to negate the bet by also getting laid.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So he comes to me and he goes, hey, it happened. I got laid last night. And he tells me the girl. And I was like, man, you know, that's not really virgin material. Yeah, you know, that's not the one you wait for.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm hanging out. We used to hang out on these benches in Tarrytown, where I grew up. And you'd basically. You'd sit out there and you'd smoke Marlboro Reds and you'd hope that one of your friends had a car to pick you up. You know, you're 16. And like, some guys would get their parents car, some guys were older and they were weird older dudes that would hang out with us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One we called Herman because he looked like Herman Munster. And you drive down to the Bronx with him and you get angel dust. And then he. He'd smoke it on the way back. And he always have to pull over while he nodded off.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Yes. And so we wait, and all sudden this blue Trans Am picks up and it's. It's two girls. And one of them is the one that my friend lost his virginity to.

[B]

And how long ago? Like days ago.

[A]

You're saying days?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we get in and we drive downtown to a bodega, and we get some Boone's Farm strawberry wine. We get some rum and we drive up under the power lines. There was a place you could pull under the power lines. And it was like drizzling out. And so we get out of the car and my buddy Johnny Trouble was on the back trunk having sex with the driver. And then I was on the hood with this girl. Yeah, it was like a Bruce Springsteen song. We're in the mud. You know what I mean? Pants around the ankles.

[B]

Johnny Treble and Sneaky Pete.

[A]

No, Sneaky Pete lost his virginity.

[B]

What was your name?

[A]

Just Greg.

[B]

What, you didn't have a cool nickname?

[A]

No. Well, Fitz, they call me.

[B]

Fitz is nice. Okay, so you're Johnny Treble, Sneaky Pete, and you were having outside.

[A]

Yeah, I have an outside sex on the trunk and my feet are slipping in the mud. And, you know, I don't think I lasted very long. And then. And then I saw Sneaky Pete. And the next day, and I was like, hey, man, I lost my virginity. Bets off. And he said, who with? I go. I go, just some girl from the next town. I didn't know her name. I didn't. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was.

[B]

Oh, you never told him his name?

[A]

No.

[B]

Did he have feelings for her or, like, I guess he'd be bummed out he's gay now. What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

So I might have aids.

[B]

True. And it sucks to lose that bet with a gay guy. That's crazy. Sneaky Pete's gay?

[A]

Yeah. Is that why?

[B]

They called him Sneaky Pete, maybe.

[A]

He used to get pussy, though. I was always hooking him up, though. It was always Double D. I would set up double dates. And Sneaky Pete was much better looking than me. He was kind of like. He didn't fit in with us because my whole gang was like, classic rock. The Dead, Zeppelin, the Doors. And then he was, like, echoing the Bunnymen and the Smiths. And he wore an overcoat, and he had Billy Joel spiked hair, bleach blonde. And so women love that. But guys were kind of like, I don't know about this guy.

[B]

Guys don't like it when you try too hard if they see signs of effort, especially towards, like, getting women or, you know, whatever.

[A]

What was your music growing up?

[B]

I actually listened to a lot of the same stuff. I listened to a lot. I had, like, my dad growing up was big on, like, Neil Young and all that stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was kind of like, the first music I heard. And then my brothers were, like, real into, like, Led Zeppelin. So there's a lot of, like, Zeppelin. A lot. Same, like, classic rock stuff. But then I was like, a lot of Nirvana.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

A lot of rap. I listen, like, Wu Tang Clan and all that.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. That was, like, around, like, sixth grade. I kind of, like, diverted from my brother's musical taste, and I was pretty much, mostly, like, rap and stuff.

[A]

Favorite Wu Tang song.

[B]

I used to, like, Triumph.

[A]

I was just gonna say. I was. I was listening to that album. It's, like, two days ago. And there's. There's one line, there's one run. I don't know what you call it in rap verse. That's like. Apparently some. A lot of. A lot of rappers consider it the greatest, really, verse in. In rap history.

[B]

I. Yeah. No, I used to love that song. I still know all the lyrics. Like.

[A]

No, you don't.

[B]

I kind of do. Yeah. If the song's on, I can, like, go along, and it's. I haven't. I just listened to it a million times in seventh grade.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. I was a big Wu Ti. I had a big Wu Tang poster on my wall. That was my. Me and my brothers had a room, and I had, like. That was my little corner.

[A]

Did you watch them on snl? No, I was at the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, and they have. They have this exhibit for SNL right now with the Rock and Roll Hall. Did you go there when you're in Cleveland? I think you got a Cleveland date coming up.

[B]

I think I Do too.

[A]

You do.

[B]

But I never. I never leave. I kind of.

[A]

So worth the chance. I never leave the hotel on the road. But when I'm in Cleveland, I go to the Rock and Roll Hall.

[B]

Is it good?

[A]

I mean, I'm a music nut, so it's like porn for me. I can't. I just can't get enough. I go early and I stay as late as I can. And they've got an SNL exhibit where you. They've got these big screens and headphones, and you can call up. Touch the screen. You can call up any musical performance in the history of snl.

[B]

What? So that's kind of cool.

[A]

Wu Tang came on and it was pretty, like, groundbreaking. You're like, wow, this is. This is something they've never had on this show before.

[B]

Well, yeah. When did that. What year was that?

[A]

I have no idea.

[B]

Yeah, they were. They were awesome. There was really another. There wasn't really another thing like them either. Yeah, I didn't see like a big, like, nine person rap group with just solid lyrics. Yeah, everyone was awesome.

[A]

And honestly, like, the same beat behind.

[B]

Almost every song every time. I love them. They throw in the old. Like those Shaolin movies and those old kung fu movies in the beginning.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I still, to this day, I was at the gym recently. They played, I think it was like the Jizza Liquid Swords album. And it was like, they had a lot of that stuff. And I was like, fuck, dude, I'm. I haven't grown up at all. I'm still like, damn, I love this, man.

[A]

Yeah, right?

[B]

My father was murdered by a mercenary, and I was like, fuck, this is awesome.

[A]

So you don't come up on stage to Wu Tang ever?

[B]

Mm, no, no, I never. It was more of, like, when I was younger. It was like, I just loved them when I was younger. And then, like, that was kind of that. I just.

[A]

I have a tattoo on my calf that says Wu Tang, motherfucker.

[B]

Do you really?

[A]

No.

[B]

Nope. Okay. What the hell? Some people look, I was. I was. I was about to be like, okay. Wow. I didn't know. It's kind of intense. It's kind of crazy.

[A]

You got any tattoos?

[B]

Yeah, I have one.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

It's so bad. I had when I was 23. I remember I got. I was like, I'm gonna get the Don't Tread on Me snake. But, like, all my whole way. My whole bag. No, hold on. So this is what happened. I was just talking because it was like, me. My brother had a food truck when I was you know, in college, so I worked in his food truck, and there was a girl he was, like, friendly with who was covered in tattoos. And so we would either, like, we'd always be like, man, that's crazy. I wouldn't. I don't know why you put that on your body. We just, like with her. And then one day, I was like. She probably was like, oh, you're too much of a to tattoo. I was like, dude, I'm gonna get the Don't Tread on Me snake on my back. And then she was like, my friend's a tattoo artist. I can have this. You know, him set this up. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, for sure. And then she, like, put us together. And I was like, whatever. I'm not gonna do that. And then he called me up and was like, dude, like, are we still doing this appointment? I'm. You know, I've. Everyone's canceled on me. I'm. And I was like, all right, I'll just do it on my arm. I'll just get the snake. And then. So I got it, and it says, like, you know, the snake don't tread on me. The morning I woke up, I went, I hate this. And then my brothers were all like, don't tread on Matt. Don't tread. And I guess, pissing me. That was pissing me off. And I meet people, and they're like, oh, what branch of the army are you in? I'm like, I've never been in the military. I thought I was just growing weed in the house. And I was like, fuck the government. So then I tried to get it covered up. Not covered. I was like, can you cover up the wording don't tread on me with something? And the tattoo artist lady's like, what do you want me to cover it with? And I was like, I don't know, Whatever. Just put something around it. So she put this, like, cartoonish desert scene so it just looks even worse and dumb. It's the dumbest tattoo. Yeah, it's kind of. I mean, it makes me laugh. I forget I have it, and I'll be like, a pool. And I'll be like, fuck, dude.

[A]

It'll be so funny. If you die getting hit by a.

[B]

Car, you run a tread on I tread upon. Yeah, it's, like, embarrassing, but it is, you know, I see it as a good reminder to, like, actually think things through, because I was just like, whatever. Yeah, that's cool. And I got it. I was like, oh, fuck.

[A]

There was this kid in college who had a Big wine stain on his far. On his forearm. And so he got the Hawaiian Punch guy tattooed above it, pouring a pitcher.

[B]

That's actually kind of cool.

[A]

It's the greatest tattoo ever, you know, too.

[B]

I had had. When I was in college, before I got a tattoo, this guy had a big iron cross on his leg. He was like, this is just for, like, my German ancestry. And I. I was like, at a party, just killing this guy, being like, dude, it's like, you had a Nazi tattoo. He's like, it's not a Nazi tattoo. And then when I got this, the snake, the Gadson thing became like a. Like a kind of like an Aryan brotherhood. Yeah, I know. I was like, that's what I get. Yeah, I.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I have a politically charged tattoo now. I didn't. That was. I wasn't going for that either.

[A]

Like, you don't. You get a fucking P. Diddy tattoo or something, you know? You don't know.

[B]

I know. That would suck. Oh, imagine having that.

[A]

My cousin has an Epstein island tattoo. He went there and they were giving out tattoos.

[B]

Really? Did you've been following the emails, like, who's on it and who's. It's pretty wild, man.

[A]

It's pretty wild.

[B]

Everybody. Every single person's on it.

[A]

Well, the best is I love when billionaires get on it. Like, Bill Gates is on there, and then this other guy, who. I forget his name, but he's a big billionaire, and he really got lit up on this last batch of emails. And you just think, like, all right, so you got a billion dollars. You're untouchable. You got a fucking staff. You got security, you got country club. You literally. You don't have to, you know, where everybody just pictures. You gotta be so happy. And then that happens, and you realize, I would give a billion doll not be on that list.

[B]

Yeah, man, it's brutal. I mean, Gates. Yeah, Gates like the email. Well, Gates is just on there from. Epstein wrote himself emails, basically telling Gates what he would do if he were him or something. Like, so it's not like he doesn't have, like, direct correspondence, but it's like.

[A]

I thought there was an email where Bill was asking for antibiotics for his wife.

[B]

That was that emails from Epstein being like, oh, don't make me tell people about the time you asked for antibiotics. Blah, blah, blah.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

But it also. He did hang out with him after he was a convicted pedophile. So it's like, that's kind of a rough.

[A]

Well, a lot of that. They all said they didn't hang out with him later. And then even Trump. Trump said Ian talked to him after 2006. And then we got emails from 2010.

[B]

Yeah. And it's. That's. Well, it's so weird because it's like even the musk. Musk had emails where he was like, dude, I'm looking to party for real. Like, it's not even. It's from him. And he's like, I'm trying to blow off some steam. But he did say he was bringing his ex now at the time, his wife. So I was, you know, whatever. But yeah, it's really.

[A]

Do you think that at any. Because Melania sent an email to Jelaine Maxwell. Did you see that?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

What did they say?

[A]

She said, saw you on the COVID of New York magazine. You look beautiful. I love you, you know. Okay, so I've heard rumors, unsubstantiated, but that Melania was on Epstein's island, as, you know, like, she worked there. Yeah.

[B]

Trump plucked her from the island.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What.

[A]

I mean, do the math.

[B]

I can't. But that's. What is the math. How much?

[A]

I mean, here's the thing is, I don't think.

[B]

Can't do the math.

[A]

I don't think that it wasn't all little kids on the island. It was mostly grown women. Like Eastern European.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Women that were poor, that were beautiful, that were looking to hook up with rich guys.

[B]

Yeah, could be. I mean, it's not. It's. You know, with all the stuff that's come out, it's not. It wouldn't be, like, the craziest thing.

[A]

Her movie did better than people expected it would this weekend. Did it really? Didn't the director.

[B]

Didn't the director, like, have terrible photos.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of the director of the Melania movie. Apparently had photos on the island.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a bad look for everybody.

[A]

Brett Ratner. Yeah. He was a big director, and then he got. He got charged, like five or six times during the MeToo movement.

[B]

Did he really?

[A]

Yeah, it was substantial enough that he hadn't worked since. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Then he came out with the Melania.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's doing well.

[A]

It's doing well.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

Yeah. But now the big thing is the liberals are all trying to flood Netflix with Michelle Obama's. They go, just watch it, like three times. Because we want it to get more views than Melania's on Netflix this weekend.

[B]

That's so fucking dumb. So what's that gonna do? Honestly? What the fuck?

[A]

That's the Kind of shit where you go like, this is why liberals lose elections.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause that's. You know, there's people getting shot in the head trying to exercise free speech, and you're trying to boost Michelle Obama's documentary.

[B]

Yeah. That sucks. That sucks so bad. Yeah, it also. Yeah. I don't know, man. I feel like the. Well now, though, it's like, if I'm a billionaire, I'm going to go, dude, that's like a. I didn't write a fucking email. So now it's like, we're going to move into a place where they can just be like, that picture, dude. It's fucking AI.

[A]

We're post truth. We're post truth worlds.

[B]

Yeah. So now it's like, yeah, you don't really know kind of what's what. Because I. That's what I would do if I was a billionaire. I got caught with, like, crazy emails being like, yo, I'm trying to chill.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, the musk emails are hilarious. So, like, I'm trying to blow off some steam. I do not want a relaxing weekend. When are you having your wild. His party?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I don't know. You never know. Could it be like, you know, political stuff, they organized to, like, take people down or with all them genuinely just partying hard as fuck on that island?

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't know. But I do know it's going to be by the time the next election rolls around. Anyone, any one of those people can be like, that's AI.

[A]

Do you think that if you had been approached by Epstein before you knew about the little girls to go to that island, would you have gone?

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

100. If someone was like, I'm going just to the island, I'd be like, oh, this is sick.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But if they're like, we're going to an island that's just filled with prostitutes. Also, it's Thailand. It's like, people go to Thailand all the time.

[A]

Oh. Oh, yeah. It's like Thailand.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, it's similar vibe. If you hear people. I know people who are adults are like, I just went to Thailand. I'm always like, all right.

[A]

Yeah, all right, bro.

[B]

I know. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, there's a lot of. There's a lot. There's a lot of widowed men from the Midwest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirts.

[B]

But no knowing, like, having no context that it was a, you know, child sex ring. If they're like, there's a bunch of babes jerking guys off on an island, it was like, I can't even pretend to be. I'd be like, no.

[A]

Would you go. If you knew it was a child sex ring, would. Based on your special where you say, if you knew that you, you, you had this fantasy about going into the car and ripping the guy out and. And get the police and all that, would you have gone to Epstein's island and tried to free people?

[B]

Indiana Jones, them? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. For sure. Yeah. What would you bring for equipment?

[B]

It's a whip.

[A]

Just a whip.

[B]

One whip and a hat.

[A]

That's all he needed against the Nazis. Yeah.

[B]

No, I don't. Yeah, I don't. I. You know what's funny too though? And it's like, you know, obviously not in defense of Epstein's island. In the 90s it was like jail bait was the thing people laughed about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When they were like, I'm a 17 year old. Like that movie, I always say that show, Californication. The first episode, the pilot.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

David Duchovny have sex with like a 17, 16 year old girl.

[A]

16.

[B]

And no one at the time. You're 16. No one was like, this is outrageous. People were back then, they kind of thought. And that was like early 2000s, dude. But people thought that was like cool. Yeah, they didn't.

[A]

David Bowie was dating a 14 year old and Jimmy Page was dating a 14 year old.

[B]

That was the 70s. Now Epstein's. Yeah. They were kind of partying like 2013. Yeah, yeah, that, that.

[A]

What about jokes about priests and altar boys? That was a joke. That was a whole genre of comedy.

[B]

I know. I mean, it was funny. Yeah, that was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But they weren't like, you're not joining the church and having sex with kids. That's like a little different. Different. Yeah, you know, they're. They were going to the island, but it was like, I don't know that, that used that like jail like in the 90s, especially that whole like, oh, she's jail bait. Yeah. People would laugh. Now it's like you're a pedophile.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And you know. Right. I don't think you should have sex with teenagers. I think it's wrong, but it's like, I don't want to be like, well, hold on, guys are partying. But it's totally.

[A]

We just found our clip for this week's episode.

[B]

But it really was in the 90s. It was. Was totally different. Like the 70s was like, you could for real have a 14 year old girlfriend if you're Jimmy Page. And people were like, no problem. 90s was like you're kind of a weirdo. But like. But now. Yeah, that's like. People are way more serious about that.

[A]

People are even more serious about, like, just even dating, you know, like Bill Belichick, the. That he got about dating. Or he married that girl, Right?

[B]

Did he marry her?

[A]

And he marry her? Yeah, I think he married her. Yeah, he did.

[B]

It makes sense. Yeah, that's the thing, too. And here's the thing, though. It's like, okay, Epstein, child sex ring.

[A]

Horrible.

[B]

Obviously I don't want to. I'm not saying, like, guys, it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal. It was bad. But those guys who were going there for real thought they were being, like, kind of cheeky. And I think in their heads they were like, oh, man, where the. What are the boys up to now? Oh, we have some child sex slaves.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it was club mad. Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, I don't know, man. It's. But yeah, the bell. Now they're really. That's the thing they're doing now where they're checking guys for even dating younger women.

[A]

Yeah, but.

[B]

And. But there is, I would say. Well, it's not even weird. It's just like. Yeah. He just wants essentially like a sex toy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because like, you're. If you're. If you're 70 talking to a 24 year old girl, I would hope. She seems like. Like there's. They seem childish. You talk to them and you're just kind of like, oh, dude, you're kind of clueless. But he doesn't care because he wants to have sex with her.

[A]

All right, it's time for this is.

[B]

The Point I'm Trying to make.

[A]

This is a segment we call Fastballs with Fits.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Trying to think if there's anything else I wanted to ask. Before we get to that, a humble offering is the special. Get it. Get it on Netflix. You're on tires. That's pretty good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fucking love that show.

[B]

Show's good.

[A]

Talk about not spending a lot of money on production value. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Yeah, they bang it out, man. They know what they're doing.

[A]

Yeah. And. All right, so here's fastball outfits. These are quick questions. Have you ever been arrested?

[B]

Once.

[A]

For what?

[B]

Underage drinking?

[A]

Did you have to spend the night in jail One night? What was that like?

[B]

It sucked. It was really bad.

[A]

Did you get a nickname or anything?

[B]

No, I was there, actually. I got arrested early. I got arrested at last, like noon.

[A]

So I was.

[B]

I was in jail. I was. I spent the day in jail. And they let me out at like 1 in the morning.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I drive, I drove home.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You bailed yourself out.

[B]

They just let me out because I was there for, I'd been there for so long. And then once I was being like, I was being like horrible when I was in there, I was shaking the cages, spitting and yelling at the officers. And then the, I passed out and I woke up the jail, it was St. Patty's Day. The day the jail was just packed. I woke up at night time, the jail was packed and everyone was yelling at the cops. And I had sobered up a little, so I started being like, guys, come on man, take it easy on these guys. And they, they did a shift change so they didn't see that I was in there being like an asshole. And they were like, what are you in here for? I'm like, dude, my friend got drunk and I got tied up in this and they just let me out.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nothing on the record.

[B]

No, I got, it was called probation before the judge. So they like, it was a thing as long as I didn't get in trouble again. They expunged it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So when I went, I went to court and they, I got kicked out of Grotto's Pizza in Wilmington, Delaware. So there's a guy in a Grotto shirt and I, it had been like months. So I sat there, talked to the guy. He had no idea we were going on trial against each other. And so I like just chatted him up. And they called me back there and I was like, all right, it's our time. And he was just like, what the. And then the cop who had arrested me showed up to court because he had a bone to pick because I was just the whole way there just hammering these guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so he showed up and I had got, I had like my combed over hair, button up shirt. And I was like, your honor, I've never dressed drank before that. I just drink since I was like 14. I was like, I've never, I just, I'm embarrassed by my actions. And she was like, she basically was like, we're gonna let you go if you don't get in trouble again. Nothing. The cop was actually like, your honor, I, I, he like kind of spoke up against me being like, you don't understand, this guy's an. And but she was like, what a dick. I know. I, I had, I had kind of, I'd gave this guy a lot of the whole night though, just talking tell him I was gonna be his Job. I know. Then luckily, he. It was one of my favorite things in life where. So I was leaving the court, the ruling was final. And I just remember looking at the cop and just went. Gave him just a little smirk, and he was like, you fucking asshole.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

So that was my night. It was like my day in jail.

[A]

Where'd you lose your virginity? I told you mine.

[B]

In, like, a backyard somewhere. I had outdoor sex as well.

[A]

Was it on the grass?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Isn't it amazing what we put teenage girls through? Her ass is in the mud.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's always like. You know, I grew up in New York as well. So you go out, you're trying to get to second base in the woods. Your hand is about 23 degrees, and you're jamming it up this training bra, and she's got to pretend she's enjoying it.

[B]

Yeah. No, it's kind of terrifying because you're like. You don't realize. It's like, all right, it. Like teenagers will have sex, like, anywhere. Yeah. Like, literally an animal.

[A]

And. And the girls are not enjoying it at first. We're no good at it.

[B]

Not at all. Yeah, I think I was, like, hammered, too. I think I just, like, went soft halfway through.

[A]

Oh, you did?

[B]

Yeah, I was. I drank, like, 15 beers. I was. I was rocked.

[A]

Have you ever seen her since?

[B]

Yeah, actually, I ran into her not too long. Like months and months. Maybe a couple years ago.

[A]

What's that like?

[B]

Like, I was. I remember in college, I ran into her and I was, like, hammered, and I was just like, I lost my virginity to you. And she was, like, with her friends, and she was like, ah.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

She was a good sport. She was laughing. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think we've seen each other really since. Wow. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Who's the worst opener you've ever had in a comedy club?

[B]

It's like a random guy. I don't know. I mean, you get a lot of guys who are just kind of pretty bad. But I. I had someone one time who it was, because usually I'll bring at least a feature, and I didn't bring anyone. I was like, whatever, I'll just go and let the club provide me. And there was start to fit. It was feature. The opener was pure silence the entire time. Because, you know when they, like, drop down the menu or like, that thing, and like, hell, today we're having a show and they put, like, the.

[A]

Like the upcoming comedians. Yeah.

[B]

They put, like, all the clips of, like, Ronnie Dangerfield and All that. So it was a lady, and she saw that come down thinking that they're announcing her. So she stood in front of the screen for like five minutes just in total silence while they did all the. It was like a six minute thing. And then that went up and then she went up to pure silence. And then the feature followed her with just like a completely silent bomb as well. And I was like, holy fuck, that's funny. That was the worst.

[A]

Adam Meget. We were Talking about Norm MacDonald yesterday, and he said that. That Adam used to bring the worst openers he could find. He loved watching them bomb before he went on.

[B]

He said Norm would bring.

[A]

Norm MacDonald would bring.

[B]

Yeah, bring the worst opener.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one guy was autistic and he would never get laughs. And I know the guy, he's a really nice guy. He books comedy rooms, but he's the worst comedian. And Norm would just sit there dying of laughter.

[B]

Yeah, that's hilarious. No, I don't. I feel bad. I don't like when the openers don't do well because I'm like, Like, you know, I want the whole show to be good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, Double Silent Bomb is brutal.

[A]

What's the closest you came to a fist fight on stage?

[B]

I was in Phoenix, Arizona, and I had, like, just started headlining. And I remember my wife, I think she has. She has family in Arizona. So we were like, gonna. Like, I was gonna do the show then let her, like, kind of visit family or whatever. And so she had, like. My wife and kids came with me. So my wife came to the show with me. And like, the. The one. I forget what it's called. CB Live or whatever. They're one. I don't know if they have the room anymore, but it was like, set up where there's like, the stage, but then you have, like, the regular tables and chairs, but then you have these booths over here. There's a guy in like, a booth who was just talking the entire time. And I was like, oh, yeah, okay, be quiet. And then my wife just took it upon herself to go over and be like, hey, shut up. And the guy, I don't know what he said to her, but I heard her say, what'd you say to me? And I was on stage and I was like, motherfucker. And I start, like, like spazzing out.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. And I tried to play it off. Like, I was like, oh, I'm just kidding. But I, like, completely kind of lost it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that was bad.

[A]

It's so funny how when the crowd sees you lose it. You almost can never get them back.

[B]

Yeah, it was hard.

[A]

You've blown the whole image that you're just a happy, go, lucky, funny dude.

[B]

I know. Yeah. I try to do the cool thing where I was like, why don't you come up on stage, like, make fun of him? He just came up his hammer. He's like, you're gay, man. And then walked off. I was like, that didn't go my way. That was tough.

[A]

Finally, what is the hackiest bit that you've ever done in your act?

[B]

I. The. The worst ever was I. So I used to have a. A joke about. So when I, you know, I would. I'd. I was dating my wife or whoever, and it'd be like when I was with a black woman and black guys would see me with her and be like, can't even handle all that ass or whatever. That. When I would see a white guy with black women, I would have. It would all build where I would say the same thing. Like, oh, man, you can't even handle that ass. But the. I had to do a clean show on time. They told me right from on, like, no cursing or anything. It was like an Armenian church. And I remember having to say, like, can't even handle all that booty. And I just sounded as it left my mouth. I was like, fuck, that was the worst. I've always, like, I. I don't think I do that. I've never done the joke. I don't think.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's like, yeah, I feel terrible.

[A]

Yeah, that's hilarious.

[B]

It was, like, the hackiest bit. I don't know that. That one felt the worst. Roses. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'd have to go back and think, there's probably a million.

[A]

That's why I try not to take any gigs where they tell me what to say.

[B]

Yeah, you never.

[A]

They have to pay me a lot of money to do that now.

[B]

Yeah. I do that to every. When I have, like, a new opener at a club, I always look way too low. Like, five minutes, we're about to go on and go, by the way, dude, totally clean. And they go. I get them like, a minute of that. I'm like, no, I'm kidding. You do whatever.

[A]

I have started to tell my opening acts not to do crowd work.

[B]

Yeah, that's nice.

[A]

I don't. I just don't think, number one, I'm doing them a favor. Because if you want to look, if you're a feature, your goal should be to headline this club next time you Come back. The book is not going to headline you if you're doing crowd work as a feature.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They want to see you. You got 20 minutes. You should have so much good material that you're cramming it into that set.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

Yeah. The opener, I don't mind because he's got to walk up cold. He wants to talk to people a little bit. That's great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the feature shouldn't do any crowd work.

[B]

That's fair.

[A]

Yeah, and they should. Every time I come off stage, they should be like, that was amazing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You forget.

[B]

Feature's a sweet spot. It really is the sweetest spot.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

Oh, you're talking when they come off and be like, those guys sucked.

[A]

Oh, I don't like that. Don't tell me they suck because that just means you bomb. That has nothing to do with me. Tell me. If there's a. If there's someone talking, I want to know.

[B]

True.

[A]

But I don't want your overall take on the crowd.

[B]

Yeah. Or. Or they'll come off and go. They just want to hear you, man. Yeah. Come on, man.

[A]

Don't do that.

[B]

They're here for you, dude. Yeah.

[A]

All right, listen, we talked about the special. It's called A humble Offering. Check that out. Check out the podcast. The Secret Super Secret Podcast with Shane, Matt and Shane.

[B]

Secret podcast.

[A]

Whatever. I mean, people know. People know. You got tour dates coming up. You can see. Where is my tour dates? Hold on. Here we go. Vega. Big tour between now and May. You're gone, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Vegas, Denver, Boise, Salt Lake City, Cleveland, Rock and Roll hall of fame, Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Indy, St. Paul, Des Moines, Phoenix, Tucson, Toronto, Chicago. Dude. Making some money. You're making some money right now.

[B]

Trying to, man.

[A]

Because you're doing theaters now.

[B]

Theaters? Yeah. Small. They're smaller, but they're still good. They're still good. Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Theaters. And then you. This podcast. I saw you. Your guys podcast has like 300,000 Patreon.

[B]

Number one on Patreon. No, we're number one.

[A]

I thought Tim Dillon was number one. I guess he overtook him.

[B]

I think he. No, I think he, like, doesn't do Patreon anymore.

[A]

Why would he give that money up?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

So 300,000 people. How much do they pay you each?

[B]

One penny. It varies. They could pay a dollar, you know, they could pay five, whatever.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't even need to go on the road.

[B]

I know, but, you know, you always gotta, you know, you gotta keep everything going.

[A]

Then you got the ads on the podcast on top of that. Yep. You got your tires money. I mean, that'll pay your flight to get there and back.

[B]

True.

[A]

All right, well, I'm happy for you, man. You deserve it. Yeah, you're very funny. Good dude. And thank you. Thanks for being on. We'll see you next time.

[B]

Appreciate you, Sam.