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- [00:00]
A
New year same great savings. All in the Fred meyer app. Get 10 for $10 on select varieties of Kroger pasta, Starkist tuna pouches or Powerade. Then get Tender Fresh Heritage Farm boneless chicken breasts for $2.49 a pound, all with your card. Shop these deals at your local Kroger today or click the screen now to download the Fred Meyer app to save big today. Fred Meyer Fresh for everyone. Prices and product availability subject to change restrictions apply. See site for details.
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B
Hey, welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. It's a special Thanksgiving episode. Lots to give thanks for in this world. I know some people are frustrated with the political situation, but let's remember something. This is the best goddamn country in.
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C
The world.
- [00:57]
B
And will be for a very long time. Remember that great guest today, Sam Morale. Holy shit. I just talked to him. He's. He's a guy. I wish I lived in New York. Cause I think he and I would be very close friends. Um, and we had a great chat. And then after we, after we did the podcast for an hour, we talked for like another hour, which I realized we should have probably recorded that as well. Although there was some shit talk and we probably wouldn't want out there a little bit. Little bit. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I don't know when this comes out. Maybe. Yeah, I think it's tomorrow when this podcast is revealed to the public. And I am very excited. My mom is flying out, should be here later tonight. And she's come out every year for 20 years. She comes out for Thanksgiving. Big, big tradition. A lot of traditions here in Venice, if you've listened over the years. You know, we always play soccer in the morning. There's about 40 of us to play soccer. We break up into two gigantic Braveheart teams. And then we all have dinner at our homes. And then we meet up at the beach at around 7 o'clock at night and go screaming into the freezing cold water, ride a couple waves. Then we usually go to the Malloy and Dunsky's house where there's a hot tub and everybody brings dessert and they have this giant pot filled with spiked cider and people stay till like two in the morning. But anyway, the Dunskies and Malloys are gone this year and we're gonna host it at our house. So I don't think the turnout's gonna be that big. We're trying to get enough people to play soccer. It's a little. I'm a little sad. I'm not gonna lie to you. I feel like this tradition, after we've Been doing this for 15 years. Moms have been coming out for 20. Soccer and beach have been 15. And I don't know how much longer it's gonna last. People fucking move. Venice is expensive. People move out. They sell their houses for a lot of money, and then they go live somewhere cheap like Virginia. So we got people. We'll be all right. But I'm a little. Little down and out. Thanksgiving's a big holiday for me. We always celebrated. We would go down to the Bronx to the house that my mom grew up in where her father lived. And all my cousins from Long island and Westchester and everywhere would come together. There was a bunch of us. There was like 13 cousins. I have more cousins than that. But in the New York area, there's 13 plus aunts and uncles, six aunts and uncles. And then my grandparents. And we were wild. The kids were fucking Irish. Kids are nuts. And you get 13 of them in a small house in the Bronx. And we would go to the. There was a. There was a deli up the street that had a toy store. And we robbed them blind. We fucking robbed them. We used to steal liquor from our parents when we were like 12. We'd be in the basement, and my grandfather's little. His little. He had like a wood. Wood shop. And we'd get fucked up. We drink ginger ale, rye and ginger. Rye whiskey and ginger ale. Because that's what they were drinking upstairs. That's the smell. I remember walking it. My grandfather's house looked like all in the family. Like that house exactly. With the stoop out front. And you'd walk in and you just smelled whiskey, ginger ale and boiled turnips. And we'd have dinner. My Uncle Paul would bring this turkey in this Styrofoam cooler that was held together with electric tape. Same cooler all those years. He would put it in the trunk of his Ford LTD in Long Island. He'd cook it in the morning, bring it to the Bronx, put it in the oven at like 200 degrees for like six hours while everybody just drank and talked and lot of laughter until the turkey was bone dry. And then they'd serve it with. It was just all white vegetables. It was just mashed potatoes, turnips, cauliflower. Like nothing had any color to it at all. Even the broccoli was cooked to the point of being light. And then my grandfather would tell he was from Ireland. All my grandparents are from Ireland. But my grandfather would do these old Irish limericks, these beautiful, like, you know. You know, poetic, lyrical limericks. And he would. And then as he got older and he would start to forget them, then my. My aunts and my mom would help them through it because they all knew them and they tell them and then they'd sing. My Aunt Dolores and my Aunt Peggy would sing Irish songs and it was amazing. It was great. That was my old Thanksgiving. This is the new one, so we'll see. I should keep this short because people want to hear Sam. Anyway, shout out to Tempe, Arizona. Thanks for coming out. We had nice full shows at the Improv. Hung out with my buddy Rob Dukes and his lovely girlfriend Mel. I drove around in his 58 Porsche, he let me drive it. We went to a cigar bar and had a lot of fun. Todd, Barry's brother came to my show, was a very nice guy, hung out with him. There was a lot of comedy fans that were like, these two guys I talked to, I was on stage and I was like, how long you guys been friends? And they said, like six months. I said, that's weird. How did you meet? And they said, we each came to Dave Attell's comedy show alone and they sat us together. And ever since then we just go to comedy shows together. How cool is that? I fucking love comedy. Nerds. They're the best. But there was a lot of. It was a little maga feeling. There was a guy. There was a guy with a MAGA hat who was like 6 foot 3 with his arms crossed, who literally did not smile once during my entire fucking show. It made me so angry. But whatever, it was fun. I did some Ellen jokes and all was good. So anyway, let's get to it. By the way, I'm coming to South Africa. I'll be in Cape Town, South Africa, the first week of January, and I'm looking to do a standup gig. If anybody lives in South Africa that's a comedian, let me know. I want to book a gig in South Africa. Also looking for a good video editor. If you can put together little one minute videos for my special, I'm looking for somebody who can do a highly skilled, not a shit job. I need a good job. Got some other editing work too, so reach out fitzdogradiomail.com Also, the special, if you haven't seen it, you know me is on YouTube. It's got a half a million views now. And tell your friends. Click on it again. Give it another watch. I appreciate that. Next week's show we're gonna have Howie Mandel will be on and then we got Mark McGrath coming up. Adam Ray Jeff Garland. It's gonna be a great month of shows leading into the holidays. Also San Francisco, Punchline this weekend. Not this weekend, next weekend. December 5th and 6th, 5th through 7th. Cleveland, hilarities. December 13 and 14. And then in January, Janesville, Wisconsin. Nyack, New York, Raleigh, North Carolina, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. February in Vegas and Atlanta. And a lot of gigs coming up. Tampa, La Jolla, Pittsburgh, Toronto. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out, see some live comedy, and I think we're ready to go. All right, that's it. Here is my guest. You know him from all of his specials. He's got some of the best stand up specials that have been put out in the last 10 years. He's got a podcast called We Might Be Drunk with Mark Norman and he's got a huge tour. I'm going to give out the dates later on. Here is the great Sam Morrell. Welcome. Sam Morrell's drinking from his Knicks cup. Nothing but, nothing but hope at this point in the season, I guess.
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C
Yeah, they'll figure it out if, where.
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B
Where are they at now?
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C
They're, they're just hovering over 500 depending on when this comes out, I guess. But yeah, they. Look, there's just a lot of new players. They'll figure it out.
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B
Dude, how big of a thrill was it the first time? Because I've seen the clips of you being at MSG and they put you up on the, on the scoreboard.
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C
It's insane. It's like that. I was like, that's my goal in showbiz. Like, just let me, let me just get there. I, I really, I'm kind of playing with house money now. But yeah, yeah. Mateo Lane, the comedian is my neighbor. So we went to the other night and he's, it's his first game. It's, he's a Chicago guy. And I'm like, shit, they're taking, they're playing the Bulls. So I'm like, shit, I'm taking in the wrong game.
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B
Yeah.
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C
He's like, no, I'll root for the Knicks. I'm like, oh, gay dudes rule. I can just switch him. This is like a girl, you know? And we took him. I didn't win the game with courtside. And it really is like watching with a, with a woman where he just be like, man, Josh Hart is hot.
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B
Yeah, if you have good seats, man. You really appreciate the physiques on these guys. I'm straight, but I, Yeah, but I remember seeing LeBron James up close and I was like, God damn, look at Those calves. Jesus Christ.
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C
He's ridiculous. Yeah. And he's like 40. It's insane. This is when he should be declining.
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B
What'S going on with his son as he played on the same court as LeBron at any point for the Lakers.
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C
Yeah, it was like they did it for the Lee. They did it for the story. But it's like he clearly shouldn't be there. Like, it's one of those. It's like, remember when you were starting out in comedy and there was like some showbiz guy's son on the open mic sheet? This dude's gonna fly by me, God damn it.
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B
Yeah. Yeah.
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C
In a few years. They're not there.
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B
They never are. I'm trying to think of, like, other than like, I guess the Waynes brothers have had kids. Okay. Right.
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C
Well, look, all of that. All of show business nepotism, right? So.
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B
Yeah, but stand up is a different sport because you can't. You can't fake your way through stand up. You. We. You're either making Michael Douglas's.
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C
I think Michael Douglas's brother was a Stand up. And he killed himself.
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B
No, it was his son.
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C
Oh, shit.
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B
He was awful. He was awful. He was good at suicide. That was like the only thing he was really good at.
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C
He fucking. One and done.
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B
He did it one and done. Perfect record.
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C
Damn.
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B
The worst is the guy that tries to kill himself and fails. And now he's in a. Now he's in some kind of life support that the family has to take care of him because he didn't crack his head all the way.
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C
We're like three minutes into the podcast. We're on suicide. We're a good combo.
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B
Oh, I'm great at the algorithm. I make about $9 a month on YouTube. Him.
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C
Yeah. Well, to answer your question, yeah. Bronnie's in the G league right now and he's not even doing well in the G League. He's not, I don't think an NBA player right now. We'll see, who knows? But it's looking kind of rough.
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B
I'm trying to think, have there other been. What other sports has been. Been a father and son playing Griffey.
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C
Jr. And C. I was going to say, yeah, the big one, but they were both. They. I mean, junior was better and senior was really good, so. But it. I mean, you don't want to be LeBron's son and play basketball, do anything. Do you want to be. Do you really want to be Frank Sinatra Jr?
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B
Yeah.
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C
It's not a great life.
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B
It's not look at Liza Minnelli. That didn't turn out too well.
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C
She had a run, though.
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B
Yeah, but she's been on drugs her whole life.
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C
I know.
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B
Jesus.
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C
She was. She was great. I love Arthur. Dude, that's such a great movie.
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B
Yeah. And she comes in. My wife works at a podiatrist's office, and she's a patient, and she comes in and her feet are fucked because she's. Yeah.
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C
I don't think you're supposed to be saying this.
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B
No, I don't think I'm supposed to. So what. What do you think about Ellen leaving the country over the Trump election?
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C
I kind of respect it. I mean, finally someone is. I was gonna say a man of their word. I guess she's but a person of their word because how many years are celebrities, like, I'm out. I don't know. I mean.
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B
Yeah. Yeah.
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C
Look, if you're gonna leave. Where'd you go? London. That's pretty good, right?
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B
Yeah. She went. Not even London. No, she's out in, like, the middle of the country. She's down south and, like, some. She's getting to destroy some cute little town where people used to drink tea and take walks a lot in those clunky shoes, you know?
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C
Imagine her poor British butler that she's just gonna rip to shreds. It's gonna be the Ellen staff all over again. Cook them.
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B
I know, but I think they're more used to it in England. I think they keep the stiff upper lip, you know, they got the palace guards, you know, where people fuck with them, all the tourists fuck with them, and they keep a straight face.
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C
Oh, I was one of them. I did it recently.
- [14:33]
B
No, you didn't.
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C
I did. It's on my Instagram. I did it. I did. I. I was like, let me see if I can tell my most offensive joke if I'll do it. And I was a little intimidated because no one was doing it.
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B
Yeah, like, shit.
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C
But I. I went up to him and I did my. My miscarriage baby joke, and I went up to him and he stomped on the punchline, and I was like. He really. That was, like, all he can do. You can't be like, fuck you, but you can stomp and, like, do your little march. So that was his way of being like, fuck off.
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B
Oh, that's amazing.
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C
So I. Yeah, I was. I'm gonna be honest, though. I was pretty nervous to do it.
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B
Well, that's the thing. Those pranks always seem like a great idea until you actually have to be the douchebag in front of a bunch of people and then you're glad you did it later, cause it looks good. But like, do you ever feel like that when you do those morning TV shows when you're fucking with the hosts?
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C
Sometimes there's been a couple times where it just doesn't work. And now you're just the asshole who ruined a segment and wasn't even fucking funny. Yeah, but because they have to kind of react. If they just. Even if they roll with it, it's funny. But if they are, they're disgusted by it. It's funny. But if they kind of give me nothing, it's just kind of like, yeah, it doesn't really work. So, yeah, I've had a few that really. The one that people I seem to like the most, I think was one was the Columbus human trafficking thing where I just kept pretending Columbus has a human trafficking problem. I. And I could see it bothered him, so I just kept going back to it and I was like, man, human trafficking. He was like, what are you talking about? He's. And then he was like, well, how long have you been funny? Or something like that. I was like, well, there's nothing funny about human trafficking. I just kept doing it to the point where they ended the interview early. And then. And then it cut to him going like, I don't get what he's doing. Like, I don't understand. And. And the female, it's always. The woman always gets it and the dude never does. Yeah, the dude is. The dude always thinks he's like the funny guy. That happened in Utah where like some guy came in the green room. It's rare that now they kind of know I do it. So some of them are cool and they're like, well, we'll play along. Yeah, we won't, Right? What? Some guy in Utah came in the green room and was like, I'm there with. I made Gary Veder, who tours with me, come with me because it gets awkward. I need a friend at this point there because I describe it as like a bank robbery. I call an Uber as I'm going onto the set. I need a car waiting for me.
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B
You don't want to loiter. You got the lavalier mic on still. You're like, fuck it. I'm going, I'm out.
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C
Yeah. And. And this guy was like, so you gonna fuck with me on the, on the segment? And he's like a clean cut Mormon guy. And I'm like, yeah, I am. And he goes, all right, we'll see. Like, he's kind of like fucking with me in the green room.
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B
Yeah, yeah.
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C
I mean, like, I don't. I mean, he can act tough all he wants, but, like, this is his job. I'm just passing through so I can, like. So of course I keep taking it first further and further and he can't. And the woman was awesome. The woman was. He was like, well, you'll never be back on this show. And I was like. And you know, I'm pretending like, oh, man. And she. And she was like, I think he can come back. And he was like, no. Like, he was a real dick about it.
- [17:29]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.
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C
Of course, as I'm, as I'm leaving, all the, the people are like, can we take a picture with you? We hate that guy.
- [17:37]
B
Of course. Now the women, if you. Next time you come through la, you should do. Fox News has their. I think it actually might be an afternoon show. I can't remember if it's morning or afternoon, but three of the hottest women you've ever seen in your life, and one of them, the hottest one, has like the greatest sense of humor. I came in and I go. And I was looking off stage and they go, what are you looking for? I go, oh, my, this is on the air. I go, my agent's supposed to be coming. He's Lebanese.
- [18:08]
C
And.
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B
And I texted him like an hour ago. No, I paged him like an hour ago, but I haven't heard anything from him. I don't know what's going on. And like the two of them were like, well, maybe he's just running late. And then the one really hot one was.
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C
How do you not get that? She's like, you don't get a joke.
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B
Yeah, yeah. And it was, it happened. I did it like four days after the event.
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C
Yeah, I mean, that's what it's for is to just. That's the only reason comedians like us should be going on those shows is to just burn a hole and make it weird. And. Yeah, and most of the time I'm just being myself, but it just shows how, you know, stiff those environments are. I've had a couple where they were mad I didn't go further now, which is. But when it's pre taped, like, what do you expect? Like, I know you're just going to cut everything, right. But then it's also hard to get booked when you're like, I'll only go on if it's live. They're like, what the fuck is he going to do to us? Yeah, yeah, but, but I did New York one, which is like my hometown.
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B
Oh, New York one? Yeah.
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C
And it was like a 10 minute interview, and I was kind of playing it somewhat straight, and my friend went there after and she goes, yeah, they were really bummed you didn't fuck with them.
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B
Oh, no shit.
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C
I don't know what to do in a taped interview. I just assume they're gonna cut it.
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B
Yeah, I went on one in Cleveland. There's this guy in Cleveland who's. He's very good looking and he's like, you know, funny, but he spit on me, like, while he was talking, like a. Like a big spit. And I go, I go, dude, you just like anybody else. Let it go. I was like, dude, you just spit on me. And then he started laughing, and then I started laughing, and I got to send you the tape. We laughed for like 90 seconds. Like, we just laughed harder and harder and harder. And that was like the whole segment.
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C
I. I've had a couple of those. Yeah, I actually, actually at the Knicks game the other night, this is gonna sound like a flex, but we were like so close to the freaking Bulls bench that I'm. I'm screaming, I'm a lunatic.
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B
Yeah.
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C
So when it come, when it gets close, the Knicks were down like 18. They came all the way back, ended up losing. But during that run, I'm going nuts. And, you know, they're shooting free throws. I'm yelling like, you. You suck. And I'm one of the guys, like, the 12th man on the Bulls bench. This. This Italian kid is like. He goes, you're spitting on me. You're spitting on me.
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B
Really?
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C
And I was like, oh, shit, sorry. What do you say?
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B
You were that close that you could spit on him.
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C
I was screaming. And then there's a guy behind me goes to the player who goes, hey, shut up. You don't even play. And the guy goes, I play. It was just sad. I just felt like an asshole.
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B
I play.
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C
I love that he's an NBA player. Shit.
- [20:48]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's like. He's like potsy on Happy Days. That's before your time.
- [20:53]
C
I don't get the reference, but it sounds like it makes sense.
- [20:55]
B
It was the player that, like, he was always on the bench. And then one day they. They called him into the game, and so he ripped off his sweats and he had his underwear on because he was so used to not playing that he. He never even bothered putting his shorts on. So what about Matt Gaetz? What's your take on that?
- [21:16]
C
I mean, it Must be not great if he's dropping out. Right? Because it can't, I don't understand it fully, but isn't it that they can't. If he drops out, they can't show the report. Right.
- [21:26]
B
I think that's what it was. I think it's, it's exactly like Trump trying to get elected so that they can't charge him. And Gaetz took. Got. Got. I said he pulled. I said he pulled out. Which he's not used to doing unless there's a 17 year old girl with a Venmo account in the room.
- [21:42]
C
Oh, yeah, that's. It's weird that they like. It's funny though. Like, guess you bang prostitutes back in the day, there was no real paper trail, but now.
- [21:51]
B
Right.
- [21:52]
C
You Venmo. It's right. Like, he probably wrote like whore right in the description. Well, that happened 17.
- [22:00]
B
I don't know if you remember Jerry. Was it Jerry Springer, who. He was in Cincinnati and he hired a prostitute and he wrote her a check and he got busted for it.
- [22:12]
C
That's another way.
- [22:13]
B
Yeah.
- [22:13]
C
Damn old school.
- [22:15]
B
Yeah. But it is, it is amazing. Like, this guy is being considered for like really the mo. Maybe the most powerful job besides the president in America. And he's, you know, repeatedly hired underage girls to do drugs.
- [22:33]
C
It's not just him. It's. It's like everyone's like, I feel like everyone appointed is associated with some sort of like sexual deviance.
- [22:41]
B
Even what's her Name, the Linda McMahon who's her husband? Yeah, well, yeah, not only her husband, but did you hear about like that there was a, there was a referee who was accused of serially being a pedophile. And they, they, they always knew. And then finally they fired him. And then she hired him back and said, just stay away from the boys. Then he continued to do it. Like, she's a nominee.
- [23:10]
C
What? Yeah. And also, I mean, I read about some of the stuff she did. It's like she had these programs where it's like you, you get wrestlers to go into the schools and it's called like get real or something. And you teach kids about respect. And I'm like, how fucking bad are the schools that they'll like send an undertaker, he'll handle the kids? It's ridiculous. So, yeah, I mean, just being. Look, she's got like a Hillary Clinton thing where she's just married to a terrible person forever.
- [23:41]
B
Right?
- [23:41]
C
But she, except Hillary, like accomplished shit on her own. I feel like, what is Linda. I know, she's like, look, Trump Loves loyalty. She's been loyal to him forever. That's kind of the name of the game is if you're loyal. I mean, the other guy, like, did you see the clip of Pete Hegseth on.
- [23:57]
B
Did he. The guy with the white nationalist tattoos?
- [24:00]
C
I don't know about that. Does he. I know. He was like, in a rock vet.
- [24:05]
B
Okay.
- [24:06]
C
He's. I met him once and he. It was like years ago and he was like, I really like your stuff. And I was like, red flag. You shouldn't be involved in anything. But yeah, he had this. God, what was he nominated for again? It was defense something.
- [24:23]
B
Was it?
- [24:24]
C
Exactly. It was defenseless.
- [24:25]
B
Yeah.
- [24:26]
C
And there's this viral clip. You gotta look this up on Fox News where this probably isn't his fault, but the fact that he's. Don't. He's throwing an axe. It's like ax throwing outside Fox News. And it's like, there's no. Like, you're just in the street. He's throwing an ax and he misses. And it goes over the thing and it comes like an inch from killing a guy. There's a guy playing drums. It goes into his drum and I'm like, this is the guy you've nominated for Secretary of Defense. There is video footage of him almost murdering a civilian by. By just being an idiot.
- [25:01]
B
Yeah, no, I think he's tatted up. He's got some. He's got some far right tattoos, I think. I don't know. I get all my facts.
- [25:11]
C
I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, well, yeah, I saw the. I mean, it's funny, all the people nominated. It's like, of all the people nominated, you're like, well, rfk, at least he's fit, you know?
- [25:22]
B
Yeah, he's got brain worms.
- [25:24]
C
He's got brain worms. And it's like, not a natural. Whatever he's doing ain't natural.
- [25:28]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [25:29]
C
I mean, he's like 70 something and he is like. He looks like he's in the wwe. He's shredded.
- [25:34]
B
I know he's shredded. And I think he works out at my gym. I belong to Gold's Gym in Venice. And I think. I know Schwarzenegger still works out there, but I think RFK is in there a lot also.
- [25:44]
C
I. I could see that He's. He's too yoked. He's Cheryl Hines. Better look out before he crisp Benoit her. I mean, this is some dangerous roids. He's taken.
- [25:53]
B
Oh, yeah, he's definitely on Roy. Everybody is. Every like, roids has Become like the new vitamin supplement. Like people are just, you know, openly taking them.
- [26:03]
C
Yeah, I don't. I mean, I just. Look, I'm sure those wrestlers were on a ton of other stuff, but they didn't have a great life expectancy.
- [26:10]
B
Now.
- [26:11]
C
Now there was like a stretch where they were like. It was like Rick. Rick Rude, you know, Chris Benoit, all these dudes, Mr. Perfect. They're all just dropping and.
- [26:20]
B
Yeah, right.
- [26:21]
C
I would. I would probably. I'm sure they were doing a ton of other shit. Painkillers, all that other stuff.
- [26:26]
B
But did you see the. The series, the docu series about The W. Vince McMahon?
- [26:32]
C
I loved it. But my. My buddy Mike Lawrence is a die hard wrestling fan, so I'm like, wow, that was crazy. And Mike is like, they didn't go deep enough.
- [26:40]
B
Yeah, of course, of course.
- [26:42]
C
But. But yeah, Vince, you know, murder adjacent. Done all this crazy.
- [26:46]
B
Yeah.
- [26:46]
C
Creepy ass mustache. He looks like a. He looks like Rob. What's his name? Goulet. The Vegas singer.
- [26:53]
B
Robert Goulet. Yeah. With the tan and the. Yeah. And probably a toupee, but it was so weird. I had no idea that, like, he dragged his. He beat up his son. He, you know, called his wife, called his daughter. Yeah.
- [27:09]
C
Son is like. He's not trailer trash. This is a billionaire son.
- [27:13]
B
Yeah.
- [27:13]
C
Jumping off. Like, this is what he has to do to get a hug.
- [27:16]
B
I know. And then he doesn't get the hug. Then Vince gives it to his daughter instead.
- [27:22]
C
It was like, kind of like. Like trashy or succession.
- [27:26]
B
Oh, totally. It was totally succession. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she actually seems sharp. If they, If Trump had nominated the daughter, I would be like, all right, maybe. But not the wife.
- [27:42]
C
Yeah, she does seem sharp. And she's got his ruthlessness, which kind of need. He. He just knew how to. I mean, he. They took everyone. WCW took everyone from him. And he just. And he was like, I'll just create this. He. He wouldn't pay them more. She was like, I'll just create a cool storyline.
- [28:01]
B
And that was really the coolest part of it, you know? Yeah, it was like if a play is three acts, like act three was just like. Anybody else would have gone like, all right, I'm worth a billion. Let me get some golf clubs. And he's into hookers, Whatever. Enjoy his life. And he just dug in. I mean, that's the thing about certain people and, you know, we know them as comics and you're, you know, you're a very successful comic and you definitely grind. Like, you really earn it. And then you got guy, then you got the arena guys like Burt, where you go like, this guy would be the CEO of a major company if he wasn't a comedian, you know, and he's got that dig in. Like, he digs in and in the same way that you do. Like, there's like, there's something about it that's not even about the money. It's just about, you know, winning. It's a competitiveness and working and being busy.
- [28:57]
C
Like, I. I get that Bird is like that. That tour he does, the Fully Loaded is like, it's set up the way like, he's like, I want it to be. Feel great all day. We're gonna do fun. All. It's like summer camp for adults. He brings a portable sauna and cold plunge in the bus. I'm like, who the are you, dude? Like, this is. It's amazing. I mean, I love it. He brings dumbbells. He's got a personal trainer. We're working out during the day, we getting drunk at night, we're performing. And I was like, this is kind of, I guess how you do it. This is kind of the best.
- [29:30]
B
I did one. I did one where we woke up in upstate New York somewhere and there was a. There was a giant kennel of puppies. It was like a fenced in thing with like 15 puppies in it. You just sat there.
- [29:45]
C
Why are they. I'm like, why are you doing this to us? I'm like, so. So we just leave these fucking puppies?
- [29:49]
B
Yeah. Yeah, it's.
- [29:51]
C
That was brutal. But. Oh, dude. I was on the bus with. With Bert, Big J and Dan Soder. That was the one where Bobby Lee. The first night, Bobby and I are having so much fun. And that night he, I guess was mad he was in the top bunk, which I was too. I don't like. I hate the top bunk. And. And Bobby's, you know, like 50 something. He falls off, cracks his face and has to leave the tour. Oh, right. And. And no one knows we're on this group thread. No one knows he's going through this shit. So he's just like, my face. You know, it's. I felt. We think he's being Bobby. He shows a picture of his face fucked up. We think he's being silly. And the one person who answers is Kyle Kanane, who's coming in. He just like zings him. And meanwhile he had to go to the hospital and comedians were the fucking worst and leave the tour. And he was like, devastated. He was so. He like, wasn't answering my text. He was like really upset. And then. And then finally he did. But then. Yeah, I mean, we just like, it was so fun.
- [30:55]
B
I mean, what other crazy did you guys do during the day?
- [30:59]
C
We played. We did batting practice at the Savannah Bananas ballpark.
- [31:03]
B
Nice.
- [31:04]
C
We did. We did surfing. I've never surfed in my life. I'm a city hick, so that was cool. And then was it a surf pool.
- [31:11]
B
Or was it in the ocean?
- [31:12]
C
It was in the ocean in Daytona Beach.
- [31:15]
B
Oh, wow.
- [31:16]
C
It was pretty cool.
- [31:18]
B
Damn. How'd you get up?
- [31:20]
C
I got up my, like in the first, like, couple times. Yeah, I'm not. I'm definitely not good at it, but I got lucky early on.
- [31:26]
B
Yeah.
- [31:27]
C
And. And Bird is like pretty good at every sport. Yeah.
- [31:32]
B
But.
- [31:32]
C
Yeah. What else do. We did a ton, man. I. They were. Soda and Jay were just pulling. We were just all kind of up on the bus and Soda and Jay keep pulling up like these weird clips of just weird people. And we're all kind of taking turns sharing. And I shared just like they're all their clips everyone's laughing at. And then I pulled up a clip. I'm like, Sam, I pull something up and like, oh, it's Orson Welles telling this story about meeting Churchill. I think it's like the funniest story. And they all just kind of. They were all like, fucked up. They just like stared at me like. They didn't. They were like, what? It was such. It was like a two minute build up too for this punchline. And they were just like, huh. I just like ruined. I ruined everyone's hang.
- [32:11]
B
Right, right, right. Yeah.
- [32:13]
C
He clip that Mike Lawrence and I said to each other, like, we're like obsessed with Orson Welles. We think it's hilarious. So. So I thought they would die, but they were like, nah. And Norman loves it too. So like, ah, they'll love it. And then nothing.
- [32:23]
B
Didn't he do something? Isn't there a clip of him drunk doing a commercial?
- [32:26]
C
Yes.
- [32:27]
B
The poem or something.
- [32:28]
C
Dude, it's end of his life is the funniest shit you've ever seen because he's just like. He's this genius who has just got fucked over by the system. So he's so angry and he's doing these weird. He's doing commercials for like peas or for wine. And yeah, he's doing this French champagne, Paul Masson. And by take four, he's like, paul Masson is a good wine and he's just bombed and he's so fat at that point Yeah. I mean, dude.
- [32:54]
B
And he's yelling at the copywriter because he doesn't like the alliteration. He's like, why would you say PPP three words in a row? This is garbage.
- [33:04]
C
Oh, dude. That's the whole thing. He's a genius. And then he. But Hollywood just turned their back. They. And the up thing is they gave him this, like, lifetime achievement Oscar.
- [33:12]
B
Yeah.
- [33:12]
C
But no one would give him work.
- [33:14]
B
So why don't you think they were giving him work?
- [33:17]
C
Because his movies were almost too smart and too good.
- [33:20]
B
Yeah.
- [33:21]
C
And. And all they care about. Everyone acts like it's new, that they just care about making money. But he had, you know, I guess, a few bombs. He wanted to make, like, Shakespeare and stuff.
- [33:32]
B
Yeah.
- [33:33]
C
I mean, Citizen Kane wasn't a big commercial hit. It was.
- [33:36]
B
Oh, is that right?
- [33:37]
C
No, it was afterwards. And he nearly got ruined by. He was. You know, it was about William Randolph Hearst and. And William Randolph Hearst hated it. Like, he was like. He owned. He owned all the papers. So he was like, fuck. Trash this guy in the papers. Like, destroy this guy. Because he was mad they were making this movie based on him. And then he took it too far. He called him a commie. And that's when the, like. Though a couple other papers were like, this guy's a fucking tyrant. Fuck him.
- [34:07]
B
Yeah.
- [34:08]
C
So that was the only reason Citizen Kane even really survived.
- [34:11]
B
But pretty ballsy of the studio to even go forward with it, knowing you had to know that was gonna happen.
- [34:19]
C
Yeah. And it was his first movie. They just gave him all. It was a different time. He just got complete creative control. He wrote, directed, and starred in his first movie.
- [34:27]
B
Dude. I think he was 24 years old.
- [34:29]
C
24 or 25. He was crazy young.
- [34:31]
B
Yeah.
- [34:31]
C
And he's. And he's playing an old man in it, too. One of the most. It is. If you rewatch this movie, it's like. It's insane. It's the most ambitious thing ever. And he makes it work. And it's like, yeah. Oh, dude. Always. He had all these great movies that just. Like Touch of Evil. Charlton Heston is playing Mexican. It's ridiculous. It's like, you're like, wait, you watching it now? You're like, this is the dumbest fucking. It's still a great movie, but the casting choice of him as a Mexican looks insane. Heston, like, says, the movie sucks. Like, he trashes it. It's still a great movie. Third Man's great. Made all these great movies, but he just couldn't fucking. Yeah. This stuff just Wasn't making money.
- [35:13]
B
Right.
- [35:14]
C
So he was like, I'll go to Europe where I'm. Where I'm loved. And he would just, you know, get investors to give him money to make these like tiny projects.
- [35:24]
B
Have you been any movies?
- [35:26]
C
No, not really. I, I had like a bit Pardon the Joker and I had.
- [35:31]
B
Oh yeah, that's right.
- [35:32]
C
It's always, it's always just like comedian or something. No, no, yeah, you're.
- [35:35]
B
You're a comedian on stage in it, but.
- [35:37]
C
Yeah, yeah, I'm a comedian on stage in the background. And then Norman and I wrote a movie. See, like, you know, it's a, it's such a long process, man. It's been you just waiting and waiting and waiting.
- [35:48]
B
Yeah, yeah, I know. And, and the stuff that gets made is so like cookie cutter now. They really want. They, you know, they're back to rom coms and I think it'll switch. Yeah, yeah, it's got to. I mean, I think it's gonna switch when people start putting stuff out directly to. There's gotta be a new movie channel that funds indie films. Like going back to like what it was like in the, in the early 90s when people were making a hundred thousand dollar movies.
- [36:19]
C
Dude, you're so right. You know, those are, those are like all my, some of my favorite movies. 90s is such an underrated decade.
- [36:27]
B
Yeah.
- [36:27]
C
So many good fucking movies. I watched one last night I'd never seen called Bound with Jennifer Tilly.
- [36:32]
B
Oh yeah, of course.
- [36:33]
C
That's a, that's a great movie.
- [36:35]
B
Sexiest shit. That lesbian scene is insane.
- [36:37]
C
Oh my God. But, but it's on top of that, it's a great movie. I was, I, I looked it up. I was like, oh, I thought this was just like a hot movie. I didn't know it was actually good. And yeah, yeah, just like indie movies like that that were clearly low budget. That dude, that's the, the, the dudes now women who made the Matrix made that movie that will.
- [36:55]
B
Oh no.
- [36:56]
C
Brothers then, now sisters. Yeah.
- [36:58]
B
Oh, wow.
- [36:59]
C
Both of them, Both of them became women. And yeah, that movie is but like Simple Plan. Like Sam Raimi. Like movies like that from the 90s.
- [37:08]
B
Oh yeah. They don't make them like Chasing Amy and.
- [37:13]
C
Yeah, I like that one.
- [37:14]
B
Brothers McMullen was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Burns Brothers and what. I want to ask you some questions. I. Yeah, I came up with a list of questions to ask you. Well, I want to know about like Rank. Rank. The Burroughs in New York. Because you're a new Yorker. You're one of the rare breeds. It's actually was born and grew up in New York. So, like, I know, like, the Beastie Boys had that album of the. The Five Boroughs, I think it was called.
- [37:47]
C
And they served Bronx Queen and Sad and. Yeah, of course.
- [37:52]
B
How would you. How would you rank them? What order?
- [37:55]
C
I mean, for me, it's pretty easy. It's. Manhattan is one for me. That's where I was born. That's where I live. Brooklyn is an easy two because it's just such a big borough. There's so much to it. There's so many different parts of. Like, you have so many. I mean, a lot of people. Brooklyn one, probably just due to the size.
- [38:14]
B
Yep.
- [38:15]
C
But Queens three, Bronx four, Staten island five. But that's no. That's no knock on Staten Island. Like, they're all good boroughs.
- [38:24]
B
You, like, tell me. Tell me what's good about stat. I mean, I'm pretty naive. I've been to Staten island three times in my life. Like, the food is good. Italian food.
- [38:33]
C
Yeah, of course. I mean, great food. It's. I'm not. I'm not gonna lie to you. And actually, I spend time there, but, like, it's. But when. Every time I've been there, I've been like, yeah, this is solid. I mean, I get the allure. Chris DiStefano was living there for a while, and he drove me crazy because he'd be like, come do my podcast. What'd it take you 20 minutes to get here? Try an hour. 20.
- [38:52]
B
Right, right. Dude, there used to be a gig there called Grandpa's. And. And it was. And it was owned and run by Grandpa Munster, the guy who played Grandpa Munster on the Munsters. And he. And he would, like. Not only did he make you get there, like, an hour, this bit back when you're, like, begging for pay. Gay. And this was like a road gig. You know, I'm going to Staten Island. And you'd have to get there an hour early, which meant, like you said, leaving two hours, two and a half hours before. And then the ferry. It took the ferry. And then he would make all the acts stay to the end because he was really into a curtain call. So you'd all have to do a curtain call. Then you'd be racing for the ferry after that to get home again.
- [39:35]
C
Oh, God, brutal. I did one. I forgot the name of the club there, but it was, like, a known club there, and it was just a hell gig. It was all. Yeah, but I've also had good sets There, I mean, you know. But yeah, Bronx, you have the Yankees, you have also good food. It's New York. You need good food wherever you go.
- [39:55]
B
I feel like the Bronx is still not getting its. I was born in the Bronx. I lived there for the first like six years of my life. Both my parents are from the Bronx, but I. But I was in Throgs Neck. And like, that whole area, the east side of the Bronx, is actually really fucking cool. There's like really intact, kind of like turn of the century neighborhoods where there's the butcher and the cheese shop and, you know, like real New York coffee shops that are still like run by Greeks, you know? And I don't know, there's something really charming about, like you're in a time machine almost. It's almost like.
- [40:31]
C
It's like. I know you mean. I feel like. I feel like every time I've been to Staten island too. You're just like. You're in a grocery store, you just hear like, you know, Frankie Valli's playing. You're just like. I feel like. I feel like eggs should be like a dollar 99, you know?
- [40:43]
B
Exactly. Right? Yeah. I think if I went. If I was gonna move back to my. My aunt. Well, my wife's aunt died. My. My mother and my wife's mother went to the same high school in the Bronx. They went to St. Benedict's together. Isn't that fucking crazy?
- [41:00]
C
That is crazy.
- [41:01]
B
We only realized that like years later. And. And she knew my aunt. My. My mother in law knew my aunt. But, you know, so she had a house that we just sold. She passed away. And. Fucking great house. And it was three stories with a great basement, little backyard. You know, the, like the last stop on the sixth train is like right there. You can take the train into the city and. And everything's super friendly. It's like a stupid. It's like a stoop neighborhood. People sit on the stoops and hang out.
- [41:33]
C
My brother's kind of got that going where he's like way deep in Brooklyn, but he's got. He's like, last train, last stop off the end. But then he's also got. I mean, he hasn't. He drives. He could take the bike. He takes a bike into the city. He's a fucking.
- [41:48]
B
Does he really?
- [41:49]
C
Yeah, I would never do it, but yeah, he does that shit all the time. And he. Yeah, I mean, it's a nice life. They got a. They had a nice situation and they're.
- [41:57]
B
Right by the park, right? Yeah. My brother's out on the other side of Prospect Park. And he, he rides the bike in and he's got a crew of friends. He said, forever. Yeah, it's cool. Where do you live? Downtown?
- [42:11]
C
I'm in the Village. I'm like, walk. I'm like a walk. A five minute walk to the Comedy Cellar.
- [42:16]
B
So which airport do you like to fly out of?
- [42:19]
C
They all kind of LaGuardia or Newark, but yeah, JFK. JFK fucking sucks.
- [42:24]
B
It sucks.
- [42:26]
C
JFK is like our LAX. LAX is, I would say the worst airport ever, but JFK is pretty bad.
- [42:33]
B
Yeah, my wife came to get me, I flew back. I had a sweet gig last night. I was at Temp at the Tempe Improv for the weekend.
- [42:39]
C
But the Sunday night, I've never been there, dude. I always do stand up live. I've never, I've never done Tempe, but I heard Tempe is sick.
- [42:46]
B
It's sick. It's great. But the best part is the Sunday night show is at 6:00. So I got off stage and I went to the airport and I flew home on a 9 o'clock flight. It was sweet. And then my wife picked me up at the airport. It took her an hour to get into. Once she got to the airport, it took another 45 minutes to pick me up. And you know, it's Thanksgiving week, but still, it's fucking crazy.
- [43:13]
C
Yeah, I did Hilarities over the weekend. That's such a great club.
- [43:17]
B
Oh, I'm there in two weeks.
- [43:19]
C
I love it. Yeah, your name.
- [43:20]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the best part is like, the food is outstanding. It's one of the few comedy clubs you look forward to. The meal so good.
- [43:28]
C
Yeah. I was eating like, you're ordering like a fucking salmon, you know, I got a crusted walleye. I'm like, this is ridiculous. Yeah, eat so many. We did three shows on Saturday, so I was like, I'm stuffing my face.
- [43:41]
B
You did three shows?
- [43:43]
C
I shouldn't do it, but I'm kind of like, fuck. I. I don't know. I. I'm. I'm working on stuff anyway. I'm building back up anyway. So I'm like, what the hell?
- [43:52]
B
Damn was that? Did you hang out with the owner, Nick Costas? Was he around?
- [43:56]
C
Of course. Yeah. He made it super dark of me immediately pulling the thing Nick does. He'll tell a story about someone dying. I'm like, I just got here. Give me a minute.
- [44:05]
B
Yeah, yeah, right.
- [44:06]
C
But no, I love Nick. I love Nick. Yeah, we hung a lot with Tone talking just Comedy. He's talking about. He's talking about how much he loved Richard Jenny. I love Richard Jenny.
- [44:14]
B
Yeah, I love Richard Jenny. J. Jenny's one of the most, I think, underrated comics of all time.
- [44:20]
C
Of all time. Yeah.
- [44:21]
B
He did specials every. I think his specials were on Showtime, so people didn't see them as much as, like, the HBO specials. Is that right?
- [44:28]
C
Or was he so. I don't know. I don't know. I think he did some HBO ones. I usually listen to him just on audio and stuff. I like to. He's such a good joke writer. Sometimes with jokes, I just like to listen.
- [44:39]
B
Well, he was a sick joke writer, but he was also physically. He was so precise. Like, if you saw him do a show three times and if he said the word skateboard, his fingers were in the same spot, his arm was at the same length, and he. He was like a dancer. He, like, moved around the stage. He was amazing.
- [45:01]
C
He had one of my favorite jokes because, you know, the difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've ever dated is Charles Manson had the decency to look like a lunatic when you first meet him. That is fucking great.
- [45:14]
B
That's amazing. Yeah, he got. He got bummed out at the end. Things were slowing down for him, and he got bummed out.
- [45:21]
C
It's just like, showbiz is tough. I think he could have had a resurgence because he was so beloved by. Yeah, I mean, shit. I mean, Rogan loves him. That's a guy that would, like, propped him up, you know, so many comics I tell love.
- [45:33]
B
I feel like he was like Schimmel. Schimmel was the same way.
- [45:36]
C
Yeah, I could see that. You know, to my favorites to watch, for sure.
- [45:41]
B
I mean, they just went on the road. They. They didn't. You know, other than Platypus man was a sitcom that lasted like half a season. Like, neither one of them got any time on TV or film. They just hit the road like 40 weeks a year every year.
- [45:56]
C
Isn't it funny that that's kind of now the dream, though, to be able to do the Road and stuff?
- [46:00]
B
Yeah.
- [46:00]
C
And in the 90s, though, they were like, fuck the road. This is like the sad thing. But no, it was. It's kind of great. Yeah, I guess the money's better on the road now. But I remember when I met David Letterman, he was just kind of like. He's like, you wait, you put out specials for free? I don't understand, like, he couldn't understand why I would do that. And I was like, right, well, you know, it helps the road. And that was kind of the goal is to make things better on the road.
- [46:24]
B
Yeah.
- [46:24]
C
He was just like, I. We didn't do. That was. For us, it was to get on tv. And I was like, different ages.
- [46:30]
B
Yeah. Well, I also think the road is a lot more livable because now you got an agent and a manager. They're doing, you know, there's, there's better flights, there's a limo picking you up. Like, it's, there's a process because these clubs are used to people coming in every week and they're. The hospitality end of it is really good.
- [46:50]
C
You know, and there's good restaurants in every city now. And Right. Phones, I mean, that's a big thing about, like, if you want to call a friend back in the day, how much you racking up on a long distance bill? How are you? Yeah, like, I remember talking to Judy Gold about that and she was like, you guys don't fucking understand. We would have to. It was so lonely.
- [47:09]
B
Yep. Now you, you, you couldn't use the hotel phone because long. So you'd go to the pay phone, you'd get a calling card. And then, you know, as far as tv, there was like, there was like five channels. There's no streaming.
- [47:26]
C
You find out you missed a gig. You're like De Niro and Goodfellas just smacking a fucking phone in the booth.
- [47:34]
B
Yeah, man, the pager had that pager going.
- [47:37]
C
Oh, did you really have a pager then?
- [47:39]
B
Yep. 780-3279. That's how I got all my gigs on the pager. And then you always walked around the city with a pocket full of coins, quarters. So it became 35 cents after a while, which really pissed you off. Then you need the dimes also. And then when you, then you call in your avails. And so you'd have to, like, you'd have to have a pocket full of coins to call because I was doing Boston, so I was leaving a ball of ales in Boston and, and New York every week. It was brutal.
- [48:09]
C
Yeah, I remember the phone avails. I mean, it must have been so much better for your writing, though, that you're not just constantly staring, staring at a phone. But meanwhile, there weren't the means to put out this level of content because, you know, you can't just upload stuff to YouTube. You can't just, you know, do a podcast. You can't just. So your brain is probably sharper. Yeah, I guess you just wrote. I guess you just had hours of material if that's. Yeah, like that type of comic.
- [48:39]
B
Yeah. And when you, and you were, you were listening to your sets on like a cassette tape. Tape recorder, you know, these big bulky cassette tape recorders and. Yeah, I just remember like being in the, in the hotel room for the weekend. There was no TV to watch, there was no phone to be on. So I would like take baths. That was my thing is I'd record my set the next day, I'd take a bath and I'd listen to my recorder with a notebook on the side of the bathtub and I would like tweak every fucking word. Like if something was a little bit different, I made a note of it and I did it differently that night. I look at my stand up in my first 12 years and it's so much tighter than it is now.
- [49:21]
C
Yeah, of course. I also think there's something to like a comics early work where there's just like this sense of urgency and desperation like this. This has to work. I have to. Your first act, I mean, think about when you're doing like a corporate or something, how often a college or something like that where you just have to find a way to connect. Something about that first hour is so universal because you had to get work with that hour. And then you kind of become more you and you and you want to feel like something is lost. Like it is good to become more and more you, but you don't want to become too indulgent or you become kind of just like not that relatable.
- [49:59]
B
Yeah, I know there's a few comics that have got like that that I used to really enjoy and I still respect them, but I don't. Like I scroll past their posts now. I just go like, I know what it's going to be. I know what exactly it's going to be so important. I remember like the first special, like so obsessed with tape night. Like, all right, I'm going to get up. I'm going to work out early so I'm not too tired. I'm going to have only protein. I'm going to brush my teeth at this time. You know, it's like I'm going to press my clothes the night before. Like every detail was just so thought out because it couldn't, like you said, it could not go wrong.
- [50:40]
C
I see that. I sometimes I see younger comics and I'm a little envious of that feeling, even though I'm glad I'm not. Look, I still get nervous. It's not like I don't still get nervous. But there's something really cool when you see a young comic and they're just like hungry and they're. Yeah. And they're fighting. I saw. I see at the Cellar, I see some of the new guys and. And they. They're excited and they should be because they got all this fun stuff ahead of them. So.
- [51:07]
B
Yeah, you know who I like watching? He was just out in LA last week was that kid from snl, Marcelo Dude.
- [51:13]
C
He's funny. He's really cool.
- [51:14]
B
He's funny as shit.
- [51:16]
C
And he's so charismatic. He. Oh, man, I just did a show. So there's these one, like some New York shit. There are these guys. I'm actually wearing a Peter Luger hat right now because there's these guys who do a show. They do a show at Peter Luger. No shit.
- [51:28]
B
Really?
- [51:29]
C
They. They do all the New York. All the New York spots. So they do. I did one at Paragon Sports. I did one at.
- [51:37]
B
Oh, so they're pop up shows.
- [51:39]
C
Pop up shows. But they're usually really good shows. Yeah, usually. I've had. I've. Peter Luger was great to the point that we got Bodega Cat Me and Norman's whiskeys at Peter Luger now. Which is hilarious. No, it's crazy, dude. We're at the strip house Peter Luger. We're getting into all the cool spots, which is amazing. So we go to Katz's Deli to do a pop up show. And I keep getting fucking. It's one of those things where the show's at 10. And I just keep. They're like, you'll be on by 11. And I'm like, all right. But I'm like, so. They're like, we should feel so bad. Like it's running late, but here, have it. Have a sandwich. I'm like, all right. So now I'm like feeling like a piece of shit. I'm drinking my own whiskey with. Doing picklebacks with their pickle juice, you know? And then Louis, I saw Louis at the Cellar. He's like, I'm doing the show too. I'll see you over there. I'm going after you. I think I was like, oh, great. So Louis goes in and I guess he thought I went on already. He just goes on. He didn't come to the green room or anything. He's like, oh, I'm next. And he does like 30. So I'm like, all right, this is really getting pushed back.
- [52:35]
B
Yeah.
- [52:35]
C
Then. Then Marcelo and I are the only one left. And he's like, I got to shoot a thing at 6am tomorrow. I'm like, go ahead, go ahead. He was nice about it, but like, you know, I'm like, fuck. Then he goes along and I'm like, God damn it. And then it's like, before I know it, it's like 1207 or something.
- [52:53]
B
And you're in a deli.
- [52:54]
C
I'm in a deli. Oh, I ate it. I ate it so hard, dude. That and I ate it on a full stomach of two cats of sandwiches. I hated myself so much after that. Buzzed.
- [53:06]
B
You feel guilty that you drank? Yeah, but what a lineup. Jesus Christ. How much they paying for those gigs?
- [53:13]
C
I. I don't remember. They're generous. I mean, and they don't announce you, which is awesome. You know, they pack them out. Yeah, but they're generous. But I forgot what it was. But those crowds can be really cool. Young people or those young people that are like. I'm like, shit. They think I'm a. It's one of those rooms where like you have to be conscious of how likable you are. Yeah, well, I'm like, shit. I open with a joke that they're gonna think is mean too early. Like, I talked to Gary Veto about this all the time on the road where Gary has a lot of jokes shitting on his wife and they'll be like. And he's like, I love her. They're jokes, you idiots. Like, but. And they're not even that harsh. But I think people feel weird laughing sometimes and it's like, all right, got to open extra self deprecating so they're comfortable laughing at these, you know?
- [53:58]
B
No, it really is. I struggle with that because I get invited to do show. Like I won't go to Los Feliz. I won't go to any of those, like Echo park, anything in east. The east side of Hollywood, where it's really precious. Even like I live in Van. I won't do shows in Venice because it is like you said, if you're not likable and you're not relatable and you're not self deprecating, then they just feel like they just get injured. And then I get so fucking mad the second I sense that from them. Then I feel self conscious and I feel old and I feel irrelevant and I do a horrible fucking set and I just can't put. I can't put myself through that shit anymore. I really just want to work the main clubs in la.
- [54:39]
C
Yeah, I feel that way too. But then sometimes I go back and Forth. I'm like, fuck, am I Not really. I want to be relatable. I want people. So I struggle with that because I do want to do all the shows, but fuck, I have a joke. I think it's funny. It bombed so fucking hard in this room where I said. I think I put it too early. Where I was like, my girlfriend's always complaining what a mess my place is. She's like, you're such a slob. Why don't you get a housekeeper? And I said, the same reason I don't get a prostitute. You're crushing. Crushing it. You know, silence from a big fucking room. And that's one where you're like, oh, shit. I guess I gotta cushion these jokes. Clearly, that's a silly joke. But, yeah, man. So I know. I agree with you, and I disagree. Because I'm like, shit. I just go back and forth.
- [55:26]
B
Yeah, no, I do, too. And then once in a while, I slip and I go, all right, fuck it, I'll do it. And it can be magic. Like, it can be a very. Like, if you get them right out of the gate. Like, Largo in LA is like that. Like, Largo can be a little precious.
- [55:41]
C
Well, I've never been there.
- [55:43]
B
It's just there's, like an agenda of what they like, you know? And look, Bill Burr goes there and he kills. He loves it there, so. But Bill kind of likes a fist fight. He kind of likes it when they decide off stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let me ask you this. Rank the suburbs. Long Island, Westchester and Jersey.
- [56:06]
C
Geez. I mean, Jersey is a state, so that's tough.
- [56:10]
B
Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like. Like the parts of Jersey that are suburbs of New York.
- [56:16]
C
Geez, it's so hard. I like more my family, Long Island, So I probably would lean Long island one.
- [56:22]
B
Yeah.
- [56:22]
C
But just because I'm more used to it. But I don't really know to be. I don't. I don't spend time. I'm always in the city or the road, so I don't really spend time there. So I would probably go Long Island. I guess I got to go Jersey and then Westchester. Westchester just feels. Why do you like Westchester?
- [56:40]
B
I'm from Tarrytown.
- [56:42]
C
Fuck, I do like Tarrytown. All right.
- [56:45]
B
Do you do the music hall?
- [56:46]
C
I've done it. Yeah. It's great.
- [56:48]
B
Yeah, it's great.
- [56:49]
C
I did it with a tell back in the day. And I remember leaving there. He was so funny, and he was just in such a bad mood. And I remember leaving, and he's like, oh, I'm such a fucking hack. And I was just like, dude, you're the best. Like, yeah, you're all of our favorites. And I go, yeah, well, I'm funny than you guys, but, oh, my God, he makes me feel so. To this day. Like, I saw him the other night, and I'm like. I feel so fucking unfunny after. Like, he's so good.
- [57:18]
B
Yeah.
- [57:19]
C
He had some new shit that I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And of course he's not happy about it, but I love him.
- [57:26]
B
Yeah.
- [57:26]
C
Yeah. Okay. I do. I do like that area. Okay, maybe. Maybe I'll put them, too. I just think I'm thinking in sports terms. Because of Jersey.
- [57:35]
B
Yeah.
- [57:35]
C
Fuck, maybe. I mean, you know what? Fuck it. Actually, that's. Westchester's closer to the city, so I'm gonna go Westchester one, and I'll put. I'm gonna do a complete reverse.
- [57:44]
B
There we go.
- [57:45]
C
One Long Island.
- [57:46]
B
Okay.
- [57:46]
C
Because, like, Tarrytown's like, what, 20 minutes from the city?
- [57:49]
B
20 minutes from the city, and we're on the Hudson river where we used to swim when I was a kid.
- [57:54]
C
Hudson's beautiful.
- [57:55]
B
You got, like. And the best thing is, like, Long island, you got one fucking road, in and out. Lie. And it's a parking lot. If you're in Westchester, you got the Bronx River Parkway, you got the Sawmill, you got the Cross Bronx, you got the Taconic. There's so many ways into the city.
- [58:14]
C
Yeah, I've done. I'm thinking Jersey and, like, I don't really know. See, the thing is, I don't. Other than the comedy clubs, I don't know it that well.
- [58:23]
B
Do you do the stress factory in.
- [58:25]
C
New Brunswick a million times.
- [58:26]
B
That is always a story. You come back from that club with a story every time.
- [58:31]
C
Yeah, Vinny's out of his mind, but I love him. And, yeah, I mean, it's. It's a. I always. I love the room. The room is just kind of like. I do better in that room with my jokes than they deserve to do. I feel like they get, like, a little bump because of how on top of each other. Last time I was there, my buddy Dennis showed up. Just fucking wasted my childhood friend. His dad used to. His dad was like, a giant party animal. Yeah, he loved it. I mean, he passed away a while back, but Dennis is there, so I'm like, can I tell a story about your dad? And he's in the crowd, and he's like, yeah. So I was like, all right. I'm Telling this story. He used to get us up when we were kids, and we would go to the bar with him. We'd be like, 18 or something. And we walked in. I remember one night, we must have been like, 19, 20, whatever. And we walk into a bar, and his dad would just walk up. He walked up to this hot, older woman. He was like, lady, what I would give to you. Up the ass. And we were like, oh, my God, what the hell is he doing? Even then, we're like, jesus Christ. So I walked up to him. I was like, I'm so sorry about that. He's a fucking asshole. And she. And. And she goes, finally, a gentleman. And. And behind her, he's doing this. Like, he was trying to set us up. He's being a piece of shit. So we look good, and I end up hooking up with that woman.
- [59:44]
B
No.
- [59:45]
C
Yeah. Because she blew me.
- [59:48]
B
Didn't get her in the ass, though. He was trying to get you in the ass.
- [59:50]
C
He was trying to get in the ass, but he was like, that type of dude that was just outrageous.
- [59:54]
B
Yeah.
- [59:55]
C
Had it. He did have a good heart, and that's awesome. It surprisingly had a good heart after all the cocaine. He did. But in the end.
- [60:02]
B
Did you ever get hurt from drinking, like, while you were drunk? Injured?
- [60:08]
C
Nothing Horrible. I. When I was, like, really young, you know, like, minor fights, but, like, I couldn't fight, so that they ended pretty quickly.
- [60:16]
B
But you seem like.
- [60:17]
C
You're.
- [60:17]
B
You seem like you drink, but you're a good drunk.
- [60:20]
C
That's the only way I can keep going is because I don't get that drunk anymore. I'll just. You know, I'll get, like, a buzz on, but, like, it takes the joy out of it when you get really fucked up, you know? Like, the last time I got really fucked up was on Bert's cooking show with Ric Flair. And it was like. It was all. I don't remember anything. I saw Jim Norton the next night at the Cell, like, the next week at the Cellar. And he was like. He was like, dude, what a nice voice. Memo. You and Burt left me. And I was like, no idea what you're talking about. He played it for me. It was fucking brutal. It was like just. Just bird night, making no sense, but being like, oh, we fucking love you, Jim. You're fucking awesome. But I don't enjoy getting that fucked up. It's not worth it for me. I don't like losing a whole day, but I do. Like, I do love. There's nothing like the wind hitting your Face in the winter, leaving a bar with a nice buzz. You had a few whiskeys. I love that.
- [61:14]
B
And when you do, we might be drunk. Are you guys drinking every episode?
- [61:20]
C
Not every yet. Because sometimes we'll have a sober guest on, and we don't want to. You know, we kind of just try to do whatever they do.
- [61:27]
B
Right?
- [61:28]
C
Yeah, we've. I think we've had drinks with people who don't drink on before. Yeah, we just had. We just did one with Hasan Minhaj, and he's like. We were drinking. He was like, oh, I don't drink. And I was like, oh, I heard you like banana stuff. We're doing, like, a banana Manhattan. And he's like, well, I like bananas, but I don't drink. And I was like, oh, sorry.
- [61:43]
B
That's hilarious.
- [61:44]
C
So we were just getting sauce, but we don't. But Mark is also, like, my drinking buddy. Off. Like, we don't drink that much together anymore off the podcast, because we're just never around. But, I mean, he's, like, one of my favorite people to drink with that. That's how the pod started. He's just a. We're both good drunk, so we just get more and more positive, I think, when we get drunk.
- [62:05]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [62:06]
C
So it's. It's easy.
- [62:07]
B
So do you feel like your friendship is closer because you're like. When you drink, you're a little more. Like you said, you're a little more emotional and, like. Yeah, yeah.
- [62:15]
C
But no one likes the really emotional drunk. That guy's too. The guy who's like, you're my best friend, dude. I'm like, we barely know each other. That's the weird drunk where you're like, oh, God. The guy who takes it up. It's almost like the. It's almost like you're like, fuck. This is, like how women feel. They're just, like, a little uncomfortable. Yeah.
- [62:32]
B
Yeah.
- [62:33]
C
You're pushing this on me.
- [62:34]
B
You also get that after shows when somebody comes out and, like, this happened to me two nights ago in Tempe. And this guy comes out and he's like, super alpha male. He's got on, like, an Izod shirt, and his hair is, like, a little bit. And he comes up and he grabs my hand, like, hard handshake with the Pull in. With the trump. Pull in. And then he's like. He's like, you were fucking great, man. And I said to him, I go, look, dude, I'm gonna need you to take one step back, you know? Like, this is too intense. Yeah, I Said, this is a little intense. I need you to take it down a notch. Oh, yeah. He's like, no. He's like, oh, yeah. I totally get. That's the thing. I find that if you put up boundaries with people that are obnoxious, they totally respond to them because they just, like, they kind of know.
- [63:21]
C
Yeah.
- [63:22]
B
You know?
- [63:23]
C
Yeah. I had a friend. I had a friend bring a friend over to my place recently, and his friend is a lot like. It's one of, like. He's kind of like, you know, when you have your limit to what your friend can be, and then they have their limit and they bring them over and the guy's just obnoxious. He just says shit. And he, like, blames it. He keeps blaming on autism. I'm like, no, I think he's rude. I think he seems confident. I don't think this is what autism is. He's like, no, he's autistic. I'm like, he's very confident. He. He's looking me in the eye. He's insulting, like, everything. He's just a weird dude. But, yeah, he was drunk, and he keeps trying to talk about the Middle east, and I'm like, we don't even know each other. This is. This shouldn't be, like, a first hang type conversation.
- [64:02]
B
Right?
- [64:03]
C
And then everything I said to it, he would get, like, really emotional. And I was like, hey, let's. Let's just put the game on. How about that? Yeah. Yeah.
- [64:10]
B
Do you think Mark Norman has. You think he's on the spectrum?
- [64:15]
C
I think he can't help himself. I don't think he's on this. Look, we're on a spectrum, I guess, right? Like, I think Mark is. I think he's fine. I think he's just.
- [64:24]
B
I mean, he. I only say because he's mentioned it in his act. Like, he's. He's made a joke about.
- [64:28]
C
I think he thinks he is. I don't think. I think. I would argue he's not because. Yeah, I think he. His social skills are too good. He's.
- [64:35]
B
I just think his brain works so fast that he seems like he has something. You know, he's got that Rain man ability to, like, put thoughts together.
- [64:47]
C
Yeah, I think he can't help himself. Like, he can't stop the words that are coming out of his mouth in time. But I don't think that means he's autistic. I think he just. Because he's also very. If you just get him one on one, too. He's very skilled socially. Like, He's a very.
- [65:00]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
- [65:01]
C
And he's. And I think he does, you know. Yeah, I would say I don't think he is because I know autistic people and I think it's much more. I guess there's a spectrum. But the ones I know, it's much more severe than what he has.
- [65:16]
B
Is he your eulogy guy? If you die, is he the guy doing your eulogy?
- [65:21]
C
I hope not. He's gonna plug tour dates at the end. I got four tonight to stand. Ah, God, he's gonna kill me. Comedy. Gonna miss him. I don't know.
- [65:40]
B
That's hilarious. All right, speaking of tour dates, I'm gonna read some of yours. Jesus Christ. It sounds like you're doing some clubs to get the set together and then you're doing a run of theaters.
- [65:54]
C
Yeah, I can get by right now doing new stuff, but it's like, you know, you just want to make sure it's airtight for when you. When you, when you hit it that hard.
- [66:03]
B
Yeah, so. So the club dates are San Antonio, January 3rd and 4th, Cincinnati, January 10th and 11th, Pittsburgh. Do you doing the Pittsburgh Improv? Yeah, that's a, that's a, that's a down and dirty club. You got to earn it there a little bit.
- [66:18]
C
I like it.
- [66:18]
B
Yeah, just January 23rd to 25th and then Charlotte after that. And then the tour starts. Richmond, Philly, D.C. bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Houston, Memphis, New Orleans, Knoxville, Nashville. I mean it just, it goes on.
- [66:35]
C
Coming to your city. I mean, they're coming to your city now or it will be in the fall, but like I'm hitting like, at least I think it's like 48 cities in a few months. So are you taking a tour bus the whole time? Except for the first few days it's tour bus, so that'll be interesting to see how that works.
- [66:51]
B
Have you done that before?
- [66:52]
C
We did it on a few runs last year and I loved it. I mean, everyone thinks that, you know, comedians party super hard, but we were like pretty disciplined. I mean, we drank pretty much every night. But, you know, and by we, I mean me and my tour manager, Brian and James, who films. Gary doesn't drink. But you know, we. I just get a bunch of DVDs, we watch some movies on there, we drink some win whiskey, we wake up, we find a rec center, we play ball and then get breakfast and then we. I love the tour bus. Cuz you just have a day in that city. You don't have to travel all day.
- [67:23]
B
Yeah, you don't have to pack and unpack your shit is already in the bus. And then. And then. Where do you shower?
- [67:32]
C
Either the. The rec center or the. Where the venue will have a shower sometimes. Usually they have a shower.
- [67:42]
B
Do you ever have to rent a hotel room for showers?
- [67:45]
C
I haven't, but Ari told me he does that. He's done that before, so I haven't. It hasn't come to that because we just. My tour manager's thorough and great, so he knows where there's gonna be a shower. So yeah, if the. If the venue doesn't have it, we'll just. Most. That's the thing with the south and the Midwest and stuff. All these new rec centers, these government funded ones are like gorgeous.
- [68:05]
B
No shit. Really?
- [68:07]
C
We'd go to like the Y or whatever and there'd be a sauna or a steam room there and I'd be like, where the fuck was this? I love the.
- [68:14]
B
Why I. Yeah. Is the YMCA and AAA are the last two American institutions that I can get behind. It's aaa, man. You call. You don't know because you don't have a car. But like my whole life you call AAA, they're there in fucking 10 minutes. The guys are friendly. They know what they're doing. It costs like 99 bucks a year. It's great.
- [68:37]
C
Yeah, same with the. I mean, I used to go to the rec center in the city. It was like 150 for the year. And it's like, think about what a gym in New York costs. I mean, holy shit. He had everything there. It was amazing.
- [68:46]
B
Wait, you go to the rec center or the YMCA in New York?
- [68:50]
C
Well, they had rec centers and I'd go to both in my life. But I mean, rec centers in the city had like pools and. Yeah, I mean, it's crazy how crowded they get. You're literally just. Asian dudes. Love to swim, dude. A lot of Asian dudes. Just like tight physiques, strong old Asian dude. And. And basketball courts is great. I mean. Yeah, you get it. We get games cooking and it would get. It would get physical. We got one guy in Portland and I was like, this guy, he's like, I'm a fan. I was like, oh, cool. And then he. He. Then he was guarding Brian and getting like, physical. My tour manager, Brian is like a. He does. He's a take no shit type of guy. I love him. And he's like, he doesn't give a shit. And he's like fucking elbowing him back. I'm like, God damn. We get a fight I'm gonna lose a fan. This guy's gonna get a refund for the show tonight. But, I mean, I love it, dude. It's so fun.
- [69:43]
B
Yeah, that's awesome. You're not coming to la, though. I noticed.
- [69:47]
C
I tried to on that west coast run, but they wouldn't give me the venue I wanted for that night. We lost it, so I ended up doing Sacramento instead. But I'll come in the. I'll come in the fall. I'm also thinking maybe I shoot my next special in la. Cause I've never done a West coast special, and I. I kind of like my crowd in la.
- [70:04]
B
Oh, you do? Oh, okay.
- [70:06]
C
I don't like crowds in la. I like my crowd in la.
- [70:09]
B
I was gonna say, I don't. I don't particularly love crowds in la, but there are good. There are definitely comedy fans. There's people that, like. That's why I like the store, is I feel like it really attracts the people that understand comedy and they. They see it a lot. You know, I had these two guys last night in Tempe. It was so cool. They're sitting at a table together and somebody. He said something, and I go, oh, you guys friends? And he goes, yeah. I go, how long you been friends? He goes, like, six months. I go, oh, a new friendship. I go, that's kind of interesting. How'd you meet? And he goes, we came to see Dave Attell, and we both came alone, and they. We sat together, and ever since then, we've gone to see, like, five or six shows together. And I was like, that's so fucking cool.
- [70:52]
C
That's.
- [70:52]
B
I love people that come to shows alone.
- [70:54]
C
They're the best, too. I saw Nikki used to post about that a lot like Nikki Glazer. So I say. I think it's like she would repost people coming alone and be like, yeah, cool. And I was like, I like that she did that. Because I. I think it's going to shit. Alone is fine. I mean, like, just because. Laughter. You're still sharing the experience with other people. Like, I. I used to go to movies alone on the road all the time, and I loved it.
- [71:14]
B
Yeah, for sure. All right, listen, man. And your special. We want to plug your special. It's called you've Changed.
- [71:22]
C
Oh, yeah.
- [71:23]
B
And it's been out, what, for like, four months?
- [71:25]
C
It's been out for a minute. Yeah, it's on Amazon, on Prime Video.
- [71:30]
B
Okay. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to watch it, but.
- [71:34]
C
Oh, no problem.
- [71:34]
B
Can't wait to see it.
- [71:35]
C
Who the fuck watches comedy anymore?
- [71:37]
B
Well, I'll watch the first 20 minutes. You know, Comedians. Yeah.
- [71:42]
C
But for comedians, it's hard. I don't want to get influenced ever. I'm always. I'll watch, like, clips and stuff, but I. I'm always nervous I'm going to get influenced by. A bit's going to fall into my head, you know?
- [71:51]
B
Right.
- [71:51]
C
But I. I should watch more. There's so many good ones out then. Yeah, I do. Anthony DeVito, my friend, is always, like, always listening to comedy.
- [71:59]
B
And I.
- [72:00]
C
And. And he says it helps him. Right. Because it just gets his mind in joke mode.
- [72:04]
B
Well, it also makes me push myself harder because I just look at somebody who's really got a tight special. I go, come on, man. You can fucking do. You could do that. But I always enjoy yours.
- [72:14]
C
I always watch so much comedy. I always watch you too, man. You're a fucking great comic. But I always watch. I was watching a tell, and, you know, I see a lot of comedy at the Cellar. I'll just, like, stick in the room and watch a little bit. And so I feel like I still get a fix. And also, it's like, in the last couple weeks, it's been like a tell. Louis, you know, Colin Quinn, like, all these great comics are always there.
- [72:38]
B
Yeah.
- [72:39]
C
Bill Burr. So I see a lot of. I see a lot of good comedy there.
- [72:45]
B
Yeah, that's great. All right, man, well, I'll see you soon. I'm gonna be in New York in January, so maybe I'll hit you.
- [72:53]
C
Gotta get you. We gotta get you on that pod, man.
- [72:55]
B
Oh, yeah, that'd be great. I would love that.
- [72:57]
C
Yeah, we'd love to have you on.
- [72:58]
B
Okay, cool. All right, bro.
- [73:18]
A
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