Steph Tolev - Episode 1099

Summary

Fitzdog Radio: Steph Tolev - Episode 1099 Summary

Release Date: June 4, 2025

Host: Greg Fitzsimmons
Guest: Steph Tolev, Canadian Stand-Up Comedian

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Introduction

In Episode 1099 of Fitzdog Radio, Greg Fitzsimmons welcomes Canadian comedian Steph Tolev, known for her sharp humor and dynamic performances at venues like the Comedy Store. Steph brings her unique perspective, shaped by her Bulgarian heritage and experiences in the vibrant comedy scenes of Toronto and Los Angeles.

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Main Discussion Topics

1. LA's Car Culture and Fast Driving

Steph delves into the intense car culture prevalent in Los Angeles, expressing strong opinions about fast-driving individuals and their impact on the city's roads.

• Steph on Tesla Cybertrucks:
  "[...] you have got to be on ketamine to come up with that body type. That thing screams douche." [06:30]

• Experiences with Speeding Drivers:
  Steph shares a harrowing story from high school about witnessing a dangerous car crash caused by reckless driving, highlighting the dangers of street racing culture.
  "[...] he's all fucked up from it. I don't know how the other car was, but come on, people stop." [08:15]

2. LA vs. Other Cities: Cultural Comparisons

The conversation shifts to comparing Los Angeles with other cities, particularly Toronto and Montreal, focusing on cultural differences and community dynamics.

• Steph on Montreal Winters:
  "[...] it's so cold. It's unbearable." [40:52]

• Greg on Family Structures:
  Discussing the American dream versus Canadian family living arrangements, Greg emphasizes the challenges of high housing prices and the trend of children moving out early.
  "The American dream was you buy a house and you got a place to retire... now we're all going to be just Walmart greeters paying rent for the rest of our lives." [27:15]

3. Comedy Scene and Personal Experiences

Steph and Greg explore the intricacies of the comedy world, including struggles faced by female comedians and the competitiveness within the industry.

• Steph on Performing in Canada:
  "The Toronto scene, the comics I came up with are super supportive and were nothing but amazing." [43:17]

• Greg on Handling Hecklers:
  Sharing incidents where audience members disrupted their performances, Greg underscores the importance of maintaining control and turning negative experiences into positive interactions.
  "[...] next time I do a special, I'm gonna plant somebody in the front row to get thrown out." [57:07]

4. Personal Relationships and Family Dynamics

The duo discusses their personal lives, touching upon relationships, familial expectations, and the importance of apologies.

• Steph on Apologizing:
  Emphasizing the value of sincere apologies, Steph recounts her approach to resolving conflicts in her personal life.
  "When I know I'm in the wrong, I apologize. Even if I don't want to, I will say it." [69:50]

• Greg on Parenting and Apologies:
  Greg reflects on teaching his children the significance of apologizing, contrasting it with his own upbringing where apologies were rare.
  "It's a life lesson for them that apologizing is always gonna make everybody feel better if it's right." [70:19]

5. Stand-Up Specials and Future Projects

Steph promotes her latest stand-up special and upcoming projects, sharing insights into her creative process and aspirations within the comedy industry.

• Promotion of "Filth Queen":
  Steph announces her new special slated for release on Netflix, detailing the creative journey behind its production.
  "It's on Netflix. June 23rd, it drops." [75:22]

• Steph's Podcast and Online Presence:
  Discussing the shift from traditional websites to social media platforms, Steph highlights the importance of digital presence in modern comedy careers.
  "It's all Instagram now. I'm like, fuck. I. I better look at that." [59:34]

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Notable Quotes

• Steph on LA Drivers:
  "Every license plate on there should just be douche one, douche two, all the way up to douche." [10:15]

• Greg on Joe Rogan Podcast with Bono:
  "Joe's one of my best friends, but he's also a guy who really knows how to communicate and have conversations." [17:55]

• Steph on Handling Hecklers:
  "I'm trying to fight my way back in. I fly down to Florida. I visit her." [31:05]

• Steph on Apologies:
  "I apologize a lot. Even if I don't want to, I will say it." [69:50]

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Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Steph Tolev and Greg Fitzsimmons offer a candid and humorous exploration of their lives within the competitive and often tumultuous world of stand-up comedy. They address broader societal issues such as urban car culture, housing challenges in America versus Canada, and the dynamics of modern relationships. Their dialogue underscores the importance of resilience, genuine communication, and the continuous pursuit of personal growth amidst life's unpredictable chapters.

Steph's anecdotes about her experiences in the comedy scene, coupled with Greg's reflections on family and personal interactions, provide listeners with relatable and insightful perspectives. The episode not only entertains but also sheds light on the complexities of balancing personal ambitions with societal expectations.

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Tune in to explore more honest and humorous conversations with Greg Fitzsimmons and his diverse array of guests on Fitzdog Radio.

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Unknown Announcer]

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[Steph Tolev]

When I heard about Date My Age, I thought, really? But there I was in my empty, quiet house, my laptop on the kitchen counter and I typed in my name. Looking for a man between the ages of 40 to 60. Sure, why not?

[Unknown Announcer]

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[Steph Tolev]

Date My Age made it really easy. I could join and view online profiles for free. All of a sudden my empty house wasn't so quiet anymore. I got so much attention. It just made me feel seen and alive. Date My Age helped me start a totally new chapter in my life.

[Unknown Announcer]

Find a friend, a lover, a partner at Date my age. Get 60% off when you [e-mail] today. That's datemyage.com to connect with thousands of singles worldwide. Datemyage.com welcome to Fitz Dog Radio. My guest today is Steph Tolev, who is Canadian. She's one of the a lot of funny Canadians lately. They're kind of hitting their str. For a long time Canada was all about sketch comedy and improv. Second City up there and all that. But then and they've always had stand up that's always been very good. Obviously Norm MacDonald came out of there but there's kind of a bunch of people now, Ian Bagg and Steph Tolev and Harlan Williams that have been around for a while but are kind of all hitting their stride. There's a Canadian Renaissance As Bono would say. And it's exciting because they're all good people. Canadians are so easy to be around. They don't have big egos. They are silly. All of these. Can all these comedians have a silliness to them that I like? So, yes, we got some of that today. Harlan and Ian, I've both had in the past year. And then I've got Robbie Hoffman on. She was just on. She's Canadian. Jesus, leave some fucking room for the Americans. All right, let's get to it. Uh, Elon Musk is on drugs. I don't know how we missed that one. The guy is, he's, he's autistic and on drugs. Let's. Let's task him with firing tens of thousands of highly trained doctors, scientists, with the help of three kids in their 20s. How about that? How do we not know he was on drugs? I mean, look at that fucking Tesla truck that. What do they call it, a cybertruck, Whatever that thing is called, you have got to be on ketamine to come up with that body type. That thing screams douche. Every license plate on there should just be douche one, douche two, all the way up to douche. However many idiots bought that fucking truck, it's awful. And it breaks down. So. And I said, but they're fucking fast. And they're annoying because they'll pop out of nowhere because they're so fast and it's like the speed of light and you're making a right hand turn on a red light and you almost get sideswiped by some. They drive. I saw a guy driving one on the highway. I don't know where you live, but if you live in a city, maybe even on a country road, but in a city you get these five lane highways and late at night you get these people in sports cars or Tesla trucks and they drive like they're driving 120 miles an hour and they are darting in and out of traffic, cutting everybody off. And then you see one, you see a Corvette or a Ferrari go by, and then three seconds later you see a fucking Dodge Challenger come by doing the same thing. And you always go like, what was that? Then there'll be a third car and you go, do they know each other? Or does one of them speed by and the other one takes it as a challenge and goes, well, I guess, I guess it's douchebag night on the 10 East. I'm in. I'm in. Maybe they try to catch each other. They try to show off they're Inspired. But there's always multiple assholes driving their cars too fast on the highway. And I remember once when I was in high school, there was this kid, what was his name? His first name was Pat. He was fat. Called him Fat Pat. And he had a 68 Cougar, which was a fast muscle car. He had it all jacked up at a scoop on the hood, Hearst on the floor, dual exhaust, fast. Anyway, it's a little drizzling out and we're driving ironically past the hospital and this guy is darting in and out of traffic, flies by me and then loses his traction, goes into the other lane and hits a car head on going probably. This was just a two lane road, but he was probably going 60 and totaled the other car. And I didn't stop, so I don't know if anyone died. I know Pat was all fucked up from it. I don't know how the other car was, but come on, people stop. I mean, I got a Mustang now. I drive it fast, but I never, I wait till I'm on like, you know, the five north at one in the morning coming from San Diego and there's literally zero people on the road. Then I'll gun it, then I'll get it up to 110. It was just stupid. But I don't even notice I'm doing it. The car is so fast that it just gets up there. But it's a big, you know, I think it's an LA thing. It's a car town and we have maybe the best cars in the country. I would say in terms I'm a muscle car guy, I like old. I like it. I saw an El Camino yesterday. Those are pretty badass. But you know, Mustangs and Camaros and you know, Barracudas, and we have a lot of those cars in pristine shape in this town, you know, a lot of it. And a lot of like 57 Chevy Impalas. That's a big thing with the Latino community. And Venice beach has a thing on Sundays where they all kind of meet up in different places like Abbot Kinney or down at the beach. And they've got these, you know, with the jacked up suspension in the back where they can bounce up and down, but they're not all that jacked up. A lot of them are just pristine cars. And I had a 69 Chevy Impala, but I think these are 67s, which was a definitely more elegant body type than the 69. It was a little more of a muscle car and. But I love It. And I love the Chicanos in la. Like I talk. I went a little rant about how I love LA the other day and I have a couple other thoughts on that. You know, I think our Chicanos are better than your Latinos. And we get the best Mexicans. Let's just put it on the table. They come through here first and they, they, they fucking work their asses off. And they raise families and we are very close friends with first, second, third generation Latinos. But my kids went to a Spanish immersion school. So half the kids, literally, they make sure half the kids are from Spanish speaking homes. And they're just the tightest families. They have the most fucking joyous sense of humor. Not that I'm categorizing an entire race, but I can, I can. This was my experience. And, and it's a big part of la. Um, it's what makes it great. It's what drives the economy. And the other thing we have in LA is the best pimps and whores. I talked about the Kardashians. We have the best whores. We have Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. And we got the best pimps. Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg is our pimp. Snoop Dogg with the fucking, the cane. What do you call the cane? With scotch in the handle. Guys in zoot suits. Snoop Doggs are. Who's your pimp? Some, some methed out biker running a jack shack on a side street in Tuscaloosa. That's your pimp. We. I want to see you guys make your own tv. As much as you hate California, you. You watch our shit, we write it, we produce it, we act in it, we edit it, we put it out. You watch it and then you boo California when I'm on the road. Are you fucking kidding? Make your own TV show. I want to see CSI Dayton, produced by Dayton. People. Do it and then put it out. Let's see who watches. Let's see who watches. You know, what crime are you going to show the this Janine who used to be the prom queen and now she's giving out hand jobs for a line of coke at Pete Saloon. Getting arrested week after week. That's your csi. Who cares? We give you guys all your tv. We gave you Tinder, we gave you marijuana, video games. So you know the next time you meet a girl on Tinder, go to a movie, watch a movie, smoke some weed. While you're there, come back and watch a video game or some porn. We do that too. Why don't you drop us a little thank you note, just write, Hollywood, California, thank you. Drop it in the mailbox. Navy seals, that's us. You guys want to talk about how you're tough? We got the fucking Navy seals and they come back from the Middle east with stories, war stories about taking out a fucking warlord in Syria. And they come back and they tell that story to their friend who's a screenwriter. He writes it up, we shoot it, we put it out on Hulu. You watch it. That's all us, you know. And you want to talk about the homeless. So we have a lot of homeless. It's your kids, your kids coming out here. They're watching American Idol and Simon Cowell and I don't know who else is a judge on that. Ariana Grande, who cares? But they're all encouraging your kids to follow their dreams. So your kid gets on a Greyhound because he thinks he can sing. And he comes out here and he goes up in front of Simon Cowell and Simon goes, well, you suck. You're no good. And now you're just. Now you're homeless. You can't make any fucking money because you have no depth, you lived with no grit in your life. You're not an artist, you're a karaoke singer. And now you can't make a living. And now you're homeless. That's. We have homeless. No, you have homeless who happen to be living on our fucking streets. Get in your minivan. Parents back in date, get in your minivan, pop in a Bob Seger cd, drive out here, start checking under the bridges first. Look for a tent, find your kid, pry the limp dick out of his hand and bring him back to Dayton because we used him up. You sent him out here. We vaporized his dream and we put it into a vape pen that Alec Baldwin takes hits off of constantly. And that's what keeps his career going. The vaporized hopes and dreams of your children. Wow. That got fucking dark. I got a bunch more, eh? I mean, sure, we burst into flame once in a while, but we're good looking. I. Not me personally, but I get to look at a lot of good looking people. And. And then I go to your town, I go to fucking Tempe, Arizona. And. And it's just your girls are kind of good looking, but they all look the same. They all have blonde hair and fake tits and they're tan. And I see them walking home from the bar at 2am wobbling on high heeled shoes that make them uncomfortable. They're wobbling and a couple of them have the fucking Shoes off. They take the shoes off. Which to me is like, all right, that's like, you're out. You're out of the game. Guys, do not hit on a girl whose shoes are in her hand. That's like being in a paintball game and you see somebody splattered with paintballs on his shirt. You can't shoot that guy again. He's just trying to walk out of the game. That's all she's trying to do. She's trying to get off the playing field, get back to her dorm room or her apartment and whatever. She's red shirted. She's a, she's a sophomore that's injured and she's red shirted. She can't play in the games. She's barefoot. It's over. Meanwhile, you see a guy Barefoot at 2:00am that guy wants to fuck. That's it. That's a sign. This is, this is a mountain man. This is a guy who's. He wants to feel the ground under him. You never see a guy holding his timberlands at 2am Walking off my feet are killing me. You don't see that, by the way. Shout out to Bono and Joe Rogan did a very interesting podcast together, some different points of view. Talked a lot about America's role in the world, specifically helping with world hunger and disease and being a beacon for hope and democracy around the world. And Bono was sort of imparting that to Joe. Joe said the word overcorrection quite a bit, which I liked. I think that's probably a good way to distill a lot of what's happening right now. But the thing is, you can watch a lot of clips of Joe Rogan saying stuff and it's easy to dismiss him and say this is a guy is a conspiracy right winger and all that. And look, there's a lot of stuff I don't agree with him on, but if you listen to a whole podcast, you know, look, full disclosure, Joe's one of my best friends, but he's also a guy who really knows how to communicate and have conversation. And he has deep thoughts, he has well thought out ideas in any way. So fucking just watch a whole episode once in a while. Anyway, I'm coming to you folks. Tampa side Splitters Comedy club this weekend, June 5th through the 7th. Come out, bring some friends. It's one of my favorite clubs in the country, Sacramento. I will be with Louis C.K. june 13th and 14th. Then I'll be in Torrance, California, at a place called the End on June 29th. Austin, the Mothership, Fourth of July weekend, Pottstown, Pennsylvania, at Souljols. July 31st, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinny's, August 1st through 2nd. Then I'll be in La Jolla, Denver, Connecticut, Vegas, Chicago, New Orleans. Go to fitzdog.com, pick up some tickets, come out and see some live comedy. All right. My guest today, I mentioned earlier, she's a fan, fine comic who just destroys at the Comedy Store every night. It feels like she's there every night. Just always has good sets. She is out of Toronto, and she's Bulgarian. She did competitive highland dance for a lot of her life. Bill Burr produced her first special, Friends who Kill. She's got a podcast called Staph Infection. And. And she is delightful. Had such a nice time talking to her this past week. Here is Steph Tollev. My guest today is Steph Tolevo. People say to Lev or to love.

[Unknown Guest]

To level. You said it correctly.

[Unknown Announcer]

I did. Right. But do people mispronounce it on stage sometimes?

[Unknown Guest]

It's so easy. To Lev. It's.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's exactly for you, because you're from some Eastern European tribe from Romania.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, I wouldn't say Blips Glimmons. It's Fitzsimmons. You know how you say your name? It's. It's spelled how it said.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, but black people always think that my name. When I say. When I'm checking into the hotel and it's a black person, which it usually is, they. I'll say checking in Fitzsimmons. They 99% of the time, try to find Simmons, because Simmons is a big name in the black community.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay. Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

And they don't. And the Fitz is soft.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, you gotta say Fitz, Simmons.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's what I do. I go, Fitz. And I take a pause. Simmons.

[Unknown Guest]

Really?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. But it's. You know, it's hard dealing with black people in general, you know?

[Unknown Guest]

Is that what this podcast is about?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I think that's the kind of podcast. I'm glad I was late.

[Unknown Announcer]

Jesus Christ. Christ is green screen. We run all kinds of, like, white power symbols back here.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Geez.

[Unknown Announcer]

You have horns on you.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, my.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, God. This is. I was literally just saying how much I love Greg. You're so funny. He's such a nice guy. I was wildly wrong.

[Unknown Announcer]

No. I did a podcast recently with a guy who pulled that on me, and I was like. And I just completely shut myself down. I barely talked. I was.

[Unknown Guest]

Austin.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, it was here. I'll tell you. After the show. It was. And he was Booked to be on my show the next month. And I. I canceled.

[Unknown Guest]

I've only. Yeah, I've only canceled one podcast.

[Unknown Announcer]

Really?

[Unknown Guest]

I said, well, no, of my own. I said, I go. There was technical difficulties.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, I canceled. I canceled one that I recorded. I canceled.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, it was recorded.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I couldn't have. I. I was like, this is not for me. Right out of, like child molestation jokes. I'm like, yeah, I don't like this at all.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, nobody likes child molestation. Well, that's not true. Be or there would be no child molestation.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, the people doing it like it.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah. They love it.

[Unknown Guest]

They are obsessed with.

[Unknown Announcer]

Louis CK has this whole bit about how he did on snl. He's like, it must be so great because everything they put up with, all the. Their pariahs in society, they go to jail and they still do it.

[Unknown Guest]

It's.

[Unknown Announcer]

It must be amazing.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't know that, dude.

[Unknown Announcer]

Louis CK And I don't know how you feel. I know a lot of. There's a lot of female comics that feel otherwise, but he is the best comedian of the last 20 years. Over Atel Attel is the best club comedian.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

Louie is the best special comedian.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

TV specials.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't think I've ever watched one. Yeah, I don't watch those specials. Yeah, my thing with Louis is, look, I've been in. I've been in hotel rooms with. With male comedians at that hour. Yeah, you're gonna see a dick, you gotta get out. Gonna see a dick, gotta get out. I don't go. You don't go past nothing. It's right.

[Unknown Announcer]

You're right.

[Unknown Guest]

But I'm saying one time this happened to me in Moncton at this festival, and this guy, me and my friend drinking, and he laughed. He goes, you want to come stuff? I'm like, I'm good. Second of all, the guy's like, what is he my. On my phone. I'm like, I'm good. I should have left.

[Unknown Announcer]

Wait, who did that?

[Unknown Guest]

This comic in Moncton.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, I thought his name was Moncton.

[Unknown Guest]

No, Moncton was the place.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

It was disgusting. It looked like, so wet. I was like, why is it wet? It's bizarre.

[Unknown Announcer]

We used to do a thing, me and another comedian. I won't say his name, but he's a great guy and he's got a clean cut image. America's Got Talent guy.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

And we used when we were starting out in Boston, Lawson.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, what's that? Future Lawson.

[Unknown Announcer]

Preacher's been here and we went to. We'd go to parties and we had this running bet we would both pull our cocks out of our flies. So just the shaft and head.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

And then whoever. That's the whole cock, not the balls.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, but yeah, just pulling your cock. You consider the balls part of the shaft and head? Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's the cock that's like saying a fucking. What's that? Like saying.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know. When you say the dick out. Yeah. If you said dick in, your balls came out, I'd be alarmed.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's like saying the pussy doesn't include the clitoris.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, it's in the top. It has to.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, when you say pussy, do you think clitoris is part of that?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, but we say cock. I just picture the penis. The shafts in the head. I don't picture the balls. The balls are separate.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's like the luggage. You're carrying the luggage.

[Unknown Guest]

How many vibrators do you have? Have you seen with balls on them?

[Unknown Announcer]

That's a good point. Although there's a rabbit ear.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Which is like a. Yeah, it's like a reverse ball.

[Unknown Guest]

No, they're not. We do not look at those like balls.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's strange because. And. And I don't want to ask you this personally, because it's crass, but I think some women enjoy the slapping of the balls.

[Unknown Guest]

Some do.

[Unknown Announcer]

So maybe there should be a loose ball.

[Unknown Guest]

Those wouldn't sell. Well, there's very few women that like.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, it's detachable. You don't have to use it.

[Unknown Guest]

Like Truck Nows, I guess you could just kind of like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is attachable. You can put them on there.

[Unknown Announcer]

I think Truck Nuts started in Canada, by the way.

[Unknown Guest]

I think I want to get us out of Truck Nuts.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

They're so stupid.

[Unknown Announcer]

They're so stupid.

[Unknown Guest]

I want them dragging. I want to make, like sparks flying. I want them so big that they're absurd.

[Unknown Announcer]

And paste some hair on there. Make it real. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Make it real.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Full set of hair on there. Follicles.

[Unknown Announcer]

And maybe a guy's high squealing voice coming out of a speaker in the back.

[Unknown Guest]

This is. This is a marketing idea.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Let's get on the ground floor.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah. This is our merch. This is our merch.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm wearing my own merch right now. This is my own merch. Filth queen. I'm wearing my own goddamn merch. I have.

[Unknown Announcer]

But you can't read it.

[Unknown Guest]

You can't.

[Unknown Announcer]

There's too much Going on, really? I just looked at it. I could. I couldn't tell what it said.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, you're looking a little too hard now, pervert. You're really taking it in. I really can't read it. Can you come closer? I really can't. What does it say? I'm actually having a hard feeling.

[Unknown Announcer]

I can read it.

[Unknown Guest]

My shirt's off. It's like, of course you can't read it. It's no longer on my body.

[Unknown Announcer]

And do those sell well? The filth?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, they do.

[Unknown Announcer]

You bring them on the road with you?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah, I stopped. So annoying. It's pathetic.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, here's the key, is you. You sell pins. That's what I do. I have these little pins. I bring a bag that's this big with about 150 pins in it. I sell them all out over the course of the weekend and I don't have to check another bag, so.

[Unknown Guest]

Selling them for what?

[Unknown Announcer]

I sell them for 10 bucks each.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

They cost me two.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay. Look at this. Wow, that's good.

[Unknown Announcer]

And it's all cash. I don't take credit cards or Venmo. So really, I have a safe at home and I just stuff cash in it every weekend. And then when we have to buy something, like we just bought a new fence for our house. We paid cab, paid the guy cash.

[Unknown Guest]

You bought a new car? I'm absolutely pissed. We both were fucking driving around in Subaru Outbacks and now I'm the only lesbo in lot Now.

[Unknown Announcer]

I know.

[Unknown Guest]

God, what the heck, Greg? I was a pumped, right? Pulled in this nice car. I'm like, who's this idiot?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, well, it's called a midlife crisis, Steph. You'll have it at some point.

[Unknown Guest]

I think I already had a couple. 40.

[Unknown Announcer]

Are you 40?

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you for that reaction.

[Unknown Announcer]

I honestly, I thought you were early 30s.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I would have let you suck me off right now. Let you suck me?

[Unknown Announcer]

Let you.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm not going to suck you off. I'm gna allow you. It's the. You know, it is. It's. It's the haircut, I think.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Look younger.

[Unknown Announcer]

I remember your old hair. It was, it was. I saw. Well, I saw a picture of it. Parted. Yeah, it's parted and flat. And now you'd work in the bangs.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, we need the bangs. Well, that's why, that's why I look young.

[Unknown Announcer]

Do you curl it?

[Unknown Guest]

Not this natural.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's naturally curly. Oh, that's nice.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

And what about air? Armpit hair. Have you ever worked with that? At all or you always kept it?

[Unknown Guest]

No, I tried to grow it out when I was in grade eight because I wanted. I tried to be in the Guinness Book of Records for longest armpit hair. Bizarre thing I thought was funny. And then I ended up. We had pool class and I had to wear like a big T shirt and I almost drowned one day. I'm like, this is stupid. Like the fat person T shirt, that's what I had to wear. I'm like, this is also so much. People can grow it. I don't know why I thought that was what. I'm European, so it grows quite rapidly.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, well. What's your ethnicity?

[Unknown Guest]

Bulgarian.

[Unknown Announcer]

Your parents are both from Bulgaria?

[Unknown Guest]

No, my grandparents are. My parents are from. Both born in Canada.

[Unknown Announcer]

But are. Is both of their ethnicity Bulgarian?

[Unknown Guest]

No, just my dad. Oh, they're arranged marriage from Bulgaria.

[Unknown Announcer]

Where's your mom from?

[Unknown Guest]

She's Canada and her mom's from Canada, but she's.

[Unknown Announcer]

Why was it arranged?

[Unknown Guest]

My grandparents were arranged marriage.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, your grandparents were arranged.

[Unknown Guest]

Is that bizarre?

[Unknown Announcer]

Did they love each other?

[Unknown Guest]

No, they divorced like three kids and that was it. And that, that's unheard of to get divorced after being arranged.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right?

[Unknown Guest]

Cuz that whole side of the family, like you're done. Like my baba, they're like, bye you. They don't talk to her.

[Unknown Announcer]

So how did she make a living after that?

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know. Canada somehow just give people money.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, I know.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't really understand what happened. I'm like, she never worked a day in her life and she had a house and I'm like, I can't even afford a house. And I. All I do is work. I'm down here.

[Unknown Announcer]

I know.

[Unknown Guest]

I want a fence. I want to have midlife crisis fence money. Where's that? You afford a fucking house in the city?

[Unknown Announcer]

It's so unfair. It's so unfair. My kids said that to me the other day. Like, dad, we are never going to be able to buy a house. Like when you think about the average income has not gone up that much in the last 20 years and housing prices have tripled. How does that make sense?

[Unknown Guest]

Two bedroom.

[Unknown Announcer]

And now. Yeah, you end up with a two bedroom with a bath with a half a yard in it and you're underwater.

[Unknown Guest]

It's absurd.

[Unknown Announcer]

And, and the problem is now is 40% of all houses that are coming on the market are being bought by corporations that then turn them into rentals. So that drives the prices of houses up even more and it forces, you know, the American dream. And no offense, I know you're Canadian, but like the American dream was you buy a house and you got a place to retire, you have equity you can borrow against if you're in a tough spot as an older person. And now we're all going to be just Walmart greeters paying rent for the rest of our lives.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. You're going to have your kids living with you. What's going to happen? Well, are they already living with you?

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, my. No. My son's. My son's out. My daughter's 21, so she's live. We have a guest house in the back, so she's got an apartment in the guest house, but she's looking to move out.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

In the fall.

[Unknown Guest]

That's nice.

[Unknown Announcer]

I don't want them, Guy. I love my kids being around.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, my God. I just hung out with my daughter all morning. She's.

[Unknown Guest]

What the heck?

[Unknown Announcer]

And then. And my son, we play paddle tennis and golf together and we have, what, family dinners on Sunday night. He comes home every Sunday.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, I. I don't want them moving away. But I mean, look at what other countries do you live for? 3 generations in the same house. We're the only country where people turn 21 or 18 and they move away. Then you have babies and your. Their grandparents aren't near them to help raise them.

[Unknown Guest]

That's a problem.

[Unknown Announcer]

I know, it's a bummer.

[Unknown Guest]

My family still doing that in Canada. That's the Canadian dream, too.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

My sister is a kid.

[Unknown Announcer]

My parents love that they live nearby.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah. Ten minutes away.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, that's nice.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, they do dinners together and I'm just like, hi. Why is no one answering my call?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Mommy, Daddy, do you still love me? Why don't I get phone calls? Oh, I don't care.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's just you and your sister.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Was she always the favorite?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. And she's funnier than me and it's so annoying. It's so annoying. And she doesn't even care like she does. She knows she's funny, but she works for the city of Toronto.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Like I took her to just for last one year, years ago.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And she came back. I couldn't find her hanging out the Hyatt bar, whatever the party. She has another stack of cards and I'm like, what's that? She goes, I don't know what the. These are. Manager, agent, manager, agent. I was like, she works for the city of Toronto.

[Unknown Announcer]

She's killing.

[Unknown Guest]

She's killing because she's treating like dog, making fun of everyone calling them, like, garbage piles. I was like, this is so funny.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, my God. Yeah. I was the favorite child growing up.

[Unknown Guest]

How many of you was there?

[Unknown Announcer]

I had a brother who's 13 months old. There were Irish twins.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

And then my sister's three and a half years younger, and I was the funny one growing. I was the middle child. So I was the one that was kind of gregarious and, you know, alcoholic dad, But I made everything okay. I was able to play off of him. And. And then my sister grinded her way into it, and she started taking my mom in every summer because my mom lives in Florida. My sister's in New York, but we're from New York. So my mom comes home. No, Tarrytown. Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay. But you're close to. My boyfriend. Lives upstate Marigue. Is. Knew the whole area.

[Unknown Announcer]

What town is he?

[Unknown Guest]

Romulus.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. That's not Terry. No, we're. We're 20 minutes from the city. That's, like, hours. Yeah. So she. She puts her up, and so now my sister's the favorite child, and I'm trying to fight my way back in. I fly down to Florida. I visit her.

[Unknown Guest]

Wow.

[Unknown Announcer]

I send her giant bouquets on mother's Day. And.

[Unknown Guest]

And so nothing.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, I'm getting there, but I feel like she still definitely has the edge.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

And my brother's a. He's a long shot.

[Unknown Guest]

Long shot.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

He's done. He doesn't care.

[Unknown Announcer]

I think he cares, but, you know.

[Unknown Guest]

It'S too far gone.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Yeah, it's gone.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm. I whisked up a bit because I think my parents think I'm famous.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So there's, like, a little gray area right now. But then my sister had the baby, and that's it. Now we're done.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Fame and baby. No comparison.

[Unknown Guest]

Nothing. They don't know. I literally got a quote today from Bill gave me for my special, and I was so happy about it. I, like, cried. I said, it's in my group chat. My mom went, that's nice. I'm like, that's nice. I'm like. Bill Burger said I'm the funniest person ever. And he said, that's nice. What the Is this? Like. You realize what this says? That's nice. Any more photos of the baby? I'm like, I'm gonna snap. Yeah. I'm a chop liver up there. I'm Canadian. I'm poutine to my parents. Cheese and wow. Yeah. Slop.

[Unknown Announcer]

What about. Is there a difference between dad and Mom? Do they both Feel the same about you.

[Unknown Guest]

No, they do. I think my dad's more proud of me.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. He actually.

[Unknown Announcer]

I could see that. The father being more like career. Yeah. Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

My mom, all her friends tell her that she could have been a comedian.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And that's really gotten to her head.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So she thinks she's very funny and she's always like, well, you know, if I didn't teach highland dancing.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm like, what? You would have grinded your ass out for 23 years and moved to Los Angeles and wanted to kill yourself and drank excessively and a bunch of gross pigs to get where you are? That's what you would have done, Joy. I don't think so.

[Unknown Announcer]

You didn't gross pigs to get to where you are?

[Unknown Guest]

No, no, no. I mean, I just meant like I just a bunch of gross pigs.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

No, I wish I. Gross pig. I fucked open micrs.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I should have been Jeff Singer. I made a huge mistake. I was the wrong people. I fucked nobody in the industry. Not one person. Schlobs.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, you should. You should have been in the back rooms of agency. You should have been working as an intern at uta. I was sucking dick for lunch.

[Unknown Guest]

I was sucking dick in the back of an alley after a Tinder date. That's where I was. Mistakes were made.

[Unknown Announcer]

God, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Disgusting.

[Unknown Announcer]

So. So you're gross by your own definition, right? You say filth.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Unknown Announcer]

So. But your parents, you want them to love you more, but how do they feel about your stand up?

[Unknown Guest]

They like it. Now here's the problem. They're perverted. They act like this came out of nowhere.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

One of my first memories of my parents when they first got this cottage, they invited the neighbors over and all of a sudden this blow up doll came out of nowhere. And I walked out to my mom and dad both fake fucking this doll. And I'm like. And I'm the pervert. When did I become the pervert here?

[Unknown Announcer]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

They are my dad. This is my dad's favorite joke. It's so psychotic. I just read the weirdest it. In his wallet. I can call. I actually can call him right now. I can prove it. In his wallet he has a picture of baby photo. He goes, oh, you want to see my baby photo? He has this laminated photo of a baby with a huge penis. He shows it to everybody. He has it. He had it laminated. That's how much he loves this bit. And people almost like, whose kid is this? Because now you just have.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's great.

[Unknown Guest]

Speaking of child stuff as bad.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

You have a. Someone's kid. Whose kid is this? With this fake long cock.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And I'm like. And I'm the gross one.

[Unknown Announcer]

So it's like, let's not be. I had a feeling that that's what you came from. I had a feeling your parents had a dark sense of humor. Because that doesn't come out of nowhere.

[Unknown Guest]

No. And I'm like. I'm also just a pervert. I've always been a pervert. Like, I just think like a sick fuck.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So you never clean piece over here?

[Unknown Announcer]

I'm not clean at all. But what's so funny is people think of me as like, you know, family guy and all that. But, you know, that came later. I mean, I was a madman my whole life.

[Unknown Guest]

I never saw, like, you were young, doing stand up.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, I, I, well. And I just made my life like. I wrote a book about it because I was so sick of people thinking I was one way when I really. So my book is all about how many times I was arrested and, you know, and doing drugs. I'll send it to you.

[Unknown Guest]

I want to read the book.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right. You won't read it. Comics don't read.

[Unknown Guest]

I actually don't read, but I will read this.

[Unknown Announcer]

What are you reading now?

[Unknown Guest]

There's a couple books sitting on my night table that I.

[Unknown Announcer]

Read anymore.

[Unknown Guest]

People read. My boyfriend reads all the time. He thinks I'm stupid because they don't read. Actually, right now I'm reading. I have a stack of cards. I'm reading the. The test for my citizenship.

[Unknown Announcer]

You're not a citizen yet.

[Unknown Guest]

No. And I'm. I'm gonna fail. I am stupid.

[Unknown Announcer]

Don't fail Now.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm. I know. I'm. Well, this or I get married. This or I force his name. Jeff Jefferson. Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

So wait a minute. How is it that you're. You've been here for how many years?

[Unknown Guest]

Green card. 10 years. I've been here for. Yeah, I've been. I have my green card for seven years.

[Unknown Announcer]

And why did you never take the test?

[Unknown Guest]

I applied to be dual citizen. Because you can get your green card. You have to. That's. That's a whole separate process.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

So now to become a dual citizen.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Which I'm doing. Because people with green cards are being stopped at the border.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

All of a sudden I'm terrified. I haven't gone back to Canada since that happened.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Guest]

I'm freaked out. Yeah. It's bad. Like, people who have had green cards for years, they apparently, they're going through their social media, and if you've spoken.

[Unknown Announcer]

Of one time, dude, what are we living in? What is this?

[Unknown Guest]

I worked so hard with that green card. I'm like, I'm not giving this up. So.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right, so you got to take the test.

[Unknown Guest]

I have the test in two weeks, and I. I was testing myself last night. I'm fucking dumb.

[Unknown Announcer]

I think we should test everybody in this country.

[Unknown Guest]

There's no. There's a hundred questions I have to memorize. A hundred questions all about the Constitution and the Bill of Rights and.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right, let me ask you a few.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, I'm fucked. Go ahead. I'm not gonna know them.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay. Who is the first president of the Continental Congress?

[Unknown Guest]

What? That's not in it.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, all right.

[Unknown Guest]

That's way too specific.

[Unknown Announcer]

Too deep.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say George Washington.

[Unknown Announcer]

What were the original 13 states? States.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, I know. I only have to pick one.

[Unknown Announcer]

You only have to pick one.

[Unknown Guest]

I know them. Massachusetts. Geor. Georgia. New York. New Jersey. Maine. Maryland. I'm missing a couple. North and South Carolina and Rhode Island.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, missing two others. Delaware and Virginia.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, but I only pick one.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, that's a lot. All right, that's good. Okay, that's good.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay. What number president was Lincoln?

[Unknown Guest]

No clue. I'm gonna say 10. I have no idea.

[Unknown Announcer]

I think he was seventh.

[Unknown Guest]

I made that up. I have no idea.

[Unknown Announcer]

Who assassinated Lincoln?

[Unknown Guest]

George Washington.

[Unknown Announcer]

George Washington.

[Unknown Guest]

Is there, like, three names? My highest.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, I think the thing is about, like, a naturalization. It's the same as when you play, like, trivia in a bar. It's like if they say sports, say Babe Ruth. You're gonna be right, like, 40 of the time.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

You know, if you say history, rock and roll, and you say Elvis, you're gonna be right 40 of the time.

[Unknown Guest]

So I'm just gonna.

[Unknown Announcer]

So, George Washington. Stick with that.

[Unknown Guest]

That's. That's the answer. Right?

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

How many? How many? Whatever. Whatever. 20. I know 27 is a number of something. I just have that in my head. 1776. I have all these numbers floating around.

[Unknown Announcer]

How many states are there?

[Unknown Guest]

52.

[Unknown Announcer]

How many are contiguous?

[Unknown Guest]

I don't even know what contiguous means, so I don't know that answer.

[Unknown Announcer]

In. In the same continent.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, 40, 51. I need you to be there. I keep joking and telling a boyfriend because he knows everything about the states, obviously. Also, we don't learn this in Canada. Yeah, not like that would make it better, but I want, like, a little thing in my ear.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, like.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, the question is. Sorry, I have to read them out loud. The question is they get a little spy thing. A little spy.

[Unknown Announcer]

Get an AI thing in your. Did you just be like, hey, Siri, if they hear you say, hey, Siri, they'll know something's up.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, but I'm sorry, it's my. It's my tick. Hey, Sir.

[Unknown Announcer]

Hey, Siri.

[Unknown Guest]

Siri, Siri. This is good. This is very good.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right, let's play a game called Rank Them.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

You're going to rank things. You don't. There's no right or wrong way to rank them. You can rank them in any way you want.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay?

[Unknown Announcer]

Really? I wrote it down somewhere. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Oilers, Canadians, Maple Leafs.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, the Leafs can suck my dick. They're so bad, I can't even discuss them as a Torontonian off. Every year they do this. Oilers, I'm Oilers all the way. I'm changing everything I've ever believed in. The Leafs do this every year. I. I'm never going to see the Leafs win.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Ever since I was a B. 1967, I believe, is the last time they won a Stanley Cup.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Hello.

[Unknown Guest]

They haven't even been. They have. This is as far as they've gotten in like, what, 10 years? And then they. They blew it. They always blew it.

[Unknown Announcer]

To Florida to.

[Unknown Guest]

Of all places.

[Unknown Announcer]

How do you lose to a place that has palm trees?

[Unknown Guest]

Unbelievable.

[Unknown Announcer]

You're Toronto. You're one of the original six teams.

[Unknown Guest]

Do you know how hardcore those Toronto fans are, too?

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Unbelievable. They're crazy.

[Unknown Announcer]

Although, you know what I appreciate appreciate is for a while, you guys were booing the American national anthem. Because, you know, they play both national anthems at the beginning of the game, you guys, when the. When the terrorists were starting, you booed. And now they did not do that during the playoffs.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, well, we have some tact. Would you say Oilers, Canadians? I guess I'd say Oilers, Canadians, Leafs.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

Suck my ass. They're so bad.

[Unknown Announcer]

That was rough.

[Unknown Guest]

It's rough. Watch. It stresses me out.

[Unknown Announcer]

Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal oh, Vancouver to live.

[Unknown Guest]

And have a family Toronto because it's my hometown Montreal Only in the summer Montreal in the winter's hell.

[Unknown Announcer]

Is it really ice?

[Unknown Guest]

It's so cold.

[Unknown Announcer]

Was there, like a lake effect going on?

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know what's going on there. It's unbearable.

[Unknown Announcer]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

And the French are so rude to us.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, they are.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm like you. I know you speak English.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

We put all of your friends in our signs. We Tried to learn it as kids. I never picked up on it. But I'll be like, hi. They'll go, bonjour. I'm like, hello. They go, oh, hello. I'm like, what is your problem?

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

About to tip you 30% here, asshole.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right. Also, the French left. It's like getting divorced from a Mexican guy and then you still speak Spanish.

[Unknown Guest]

You're like, excuse me. Yeah, bye.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, adios.

[Unknown Guest]

We. Whatever. I love Montreal, but I couldn't live.

[Unknown Announcer]

There because they're love that comedy festival. How did they treat you? Because I had Robbie Hoffman in yesterday.

[Unknown Guest]

Honestly.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. That's what she was saying.

[Unknown Guest]

They treat Canadians like dog. And I. It's so funny because I did the. The State of the Union speech, the Canadian version.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, you did?

[Unknown Guest]

And I did it. And I. I said a lot of things.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And I was very. I was like. My manager five times was like, I think you should read stuff. Speech first. Like, we're good. She's like, I'm telling you to read it. They didn't want to read it. I went through. I named names. I was like. I'm like, how many comics are here right now? How many Canadians are here right now? Did you. She tell you about the grant situation?

[Unknown Announcer]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

So apparently the Just for Last festival got a grant from the Canadian government in order to get money for the festival. And that grant stated that you're supposed to have at least 50% Canadian performers.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

There's what, 20 every year maximum?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, one of them. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, he's dead now. 2, 300. Do you know he died?

[Unknown Announcer]

I did not know that.

[Unknown Guest]

Kind of tragically, actually. I think.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, that's sad. He was a great comic.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, he's great.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm not. The problem is, this is why I'm so pissed off about it is because I think Canadian comics are amazing.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

We fucking have to work so much damn harder to get here. We're. We can't get here. We need to get to do all this.

[Unknown Announcer]

And even the clubs, she was saying that she had a very difficult time, not only with the club owners and bookers, but with the other comics. As a female and as somebody coming up. I don't even. I don't know that she even said female. I think it was just that there was, like, a status quo that they were trying to hold on to.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

And there was not a lot of support.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, females, especially in the two. The two clubs in Toronto.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Yuck. Yucks. And absolute comedy. They, like, barely booked women. Those two were a nightmare to get into. I'm not in them. They're brutal. But I think she also started more in Montreal.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So the Toronto scene, the comics I came up with are super supportive and were nothing but. Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right.

[Unknown Guest]

So I can't agree with her on that because all my guy friends were, like, nothing but amazing. Amazing.

[Unknown Announcer]

Who were they?

[Unknown Guest]

Like Alex Pavone, Pat Bircher, if you know him, he's in New York as well as in New York. Mark Debones. You don't know. He's so funny. He's a psychopath. He's back in Toronto. Yeah. Like Chris Robinson. He's a super funny guy. Like all these guys that were, like, so funny. But Chris Rock, if you're the alt scene. Tim Gilbert, all these. You must. You just met Jeff Paul. Used to chose Jeff Paul.

[Unknown Announcer]

I did at the Comedy Bar, which is a really great club. Amazing there. Yeah. Two clubs.

[Unknown Guest]

Y. And that guy Gary, he was one of the first people that let me do anything I wanted. Yeah, he let me. My. My sketch partner, Lady Stash, do, like, wacky.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah. Lady Stash was the improv group you were in.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Sketch. Sketch. Duo. Sketch.

[Unknown Announcer]

Sketch.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, sketch comedy. Like loose sketch.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. So you guys would write new material pretty often, or is it a monthly.

[Unknown Guest]

Show called Lady Sash and you always had new stuff? Oh, yeah, we were good. We filmed the video. This is before people were filming videos every month. We filmed the video with the host. It was bizarre. But then we would do, like, new. A lot of it didn't work.

[Unknown Announcer]

I mean, look at snl.

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, you know, it's hard to write sketches.

[Unknown Announcer]

If half the sketches on SNL work, that's a good week. And I'm not. Yeah, I'm not on them. That's for any sketch show in history. It's really hard.

[Unknown Guest]

It's really hard. Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

We grew up in Canada. I grew up watching, like, Kids in the hall and sctv, so I grew up watching more sketch than I did stand up.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

So that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to be an snl.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right. And do you still.

[Unknown Guest]

No, no, no interest.

[Unknown Announcer]

Do you want to be in a sketch show?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, if it was out here.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm not moving a Golden retriever.

[Unknown Announcer]

There's no sketch shows anymore.

[Unknown Guest]

There's. It's. I don't know what happened to that. They gotta bring it back. Like the. The Key Peel did so well. The Crow show. Like, we love these shows. Well, Tim Robinson. Yeah, I think you should leave. That was, like, the newest one, I guess. Yeah, well, apparently I haven't watched Thompson Gurus yet, but that's apparently like a. It's good, dark sketch show.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah, it's very dark. Yeah. You know who's great in it? Kirk Fox is great in it.

[Unknown Guest]

He's a really good actor.

[Unknown Announcer]

He is a good actor. All right, back to.

[Unknown Guest]

Back to.

[Unknown Announcer]

Robbie Hoffman, Caroline Ray, Samantha be.

[Unknown Guest]

Who's Samantha B. Again? Oh, that girl who does all the. Well, I don't know her at all.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right, then let's just swap her out for Katherine o' Hara.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, what the heck. Well, Catherine o' Hara is a goat.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Caroline Ray is amazing and nice and gave me her osteopath and Robbie Hoffman's maniac. I lived with Robbie. We were roommates for.

[Unknown Announcer]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes. It was psychotic.

[Unknown Announcer]

Really?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown Announcer]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

God, no. Have you seen her wife?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah. She ain't looking at me.

[Unknown Guest]

I'll tell you what. She ain't looking at this. When she got that, she. No, no. We were. We were good friends. She was just psychotic to live with. I was babysitting at the time, and I was. Hell, yeah. I would have to come home. I'd bike. There was like five miles there, five miles back. I'd bike home all up, tired. I need a nap. And every time she came in the house, she'd go, hello. I'm like, okay, you gotta stop doing the hello. She goes, no, I can't.

[Unknown Announcer]

She's used to living with nine other.

[Unknown Guest]

I go, I don't give a. I need a nap. I have shows tonight. You have to shut the up.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right?

[Unknown Guest]

It's not gonna happen, all right? I almost killed her.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm like, what the. You mean, like, I happened. Did it every day. I got no sleep.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I was, like, delusional for tourism. Hell, I love her. I know. I just talked about. I literally talked about this morning. We're good friends. But definitely o' Hara. I mean, come on.

[Unknown Announcer]

Did she tell you she was. She was here yesterday.

[Unknown Guest]

No, she didn't tell me shit. I just thought she sold the show. And I'm like, she'll call me and be like, so and so is so unfunny. Why are they getting spots anywhere? And then I'm like, you were on Mulaney Live. What are you talking about? She doesn't tell me shit.

[Unknown Announcer]

She just told us yesterday how she never bad mouse anybody in comedy. Somebody.

[Unknown Guest]

Excuse me.

[Unknown Announcer]

Did she say that?

[Unknown Guest]

Are you kidding me? Two days ago, she called me, and I'm not gonna say the name. Blah, blah, blah. Sucks And I go, aren't you on Mulaney Live tonight? Like that was the conversation.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

What a psycho. Hey, I badmouth people and I say to their face, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll tell you your. All right, can't wait.

[Unknown Announcer]

Alanis Morissette, Joni Mitchell, Celine Dion.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, the. The exact order you listed it in. Alanis, Joni. People love Celine. I never really got into it. I don't know what it was. And then her husband was so old, it grossed me out.

[Unknown Announcer]

That was weird.

[Unknown Guest]

It was like the opposite of what all these, like male rock stars are doing. You see Anthony Heatis's girlfriend. Yeah, I can't listen to Chili Peppers anymore. I'm done with it. It's disgusting. It's sick. On what planet picture you right now with that girl. What? What are you talking about? Literally, what is the conversation like?

[Unknown Announcer]

It's, you know, I have friends that have done that. Like, I had a friend from college who got divorced and he started dating a 25 year old, you know, at 50.

[Unknown Guest]

It's absurd.

[Unknown Announcer]

I was just like, dude, what are you doing?

[Unknown Guest]

Like, honestly, what are you doing? Yeah, I, I like, I.

[Unknown Announcer]

He's fucking. That's what he's doing.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, he's getting that dick wet, I'll tell you that. He's getting it. So.

[Unknown Announcer]

But here's the thing. I couldn't. I couldn't keep up with a 25 year old. I have 59 year old sex.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I mean, you love 59 year old sex.

[Unknown Announcer]

59 year old sex. Foreplay is. Here's what it is now is she's coming out of the shower.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

Because when you're married, just trying to initiate at a point where they have to get disrobed for the act is too much of a hurdle. So now I gotta wait. You gotta get barriers low.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

I wait in the bedroom, I pretend I'm folding a shirt.

[Unknown Guest]

So many times, he comes out, it's like origami. It's so small. What is that? It's my shirt.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's a shirt.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

You've been waiting.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

You've been waiting to pounce, haven't you? Yeah, sure.

[Unknown Guest]

It's like so soiled and sweat. You just so many times, wet cloth.

[Unknown Announcer]

Wait, so you're. How old's Jeff?

[Unknown Guest]

38.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay, so you guys are having 40 year old, 39 year old sex?

[Unknown Guest]

No, I think we're having way younger sex. And it's putting my back out. I don't know what I'm doing. I gotta stop. I hit my head In a hotel room recently. We were, like, in the shower, and I was holding on one of those bars. I'm like, what is my. What am I doing? I have sciatica. I can't be bending over like this.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right?

[Unknown Guest]

What am I. I was looking at slip ons the other day. I need velcro.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right, Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Because I think he's so hot. So I'm like, really trying. I know. What the hell?

[Unknown Announcer]

Great dude, too.

[Unknown Guest]

I know.

[Unknown Announcer]

Smart. He's funny.

[Unknown Guest]

I know.

[Unknown Announcer]

Good hang. Like, generally when somebody brings a significant other into the green room, it's kind of like, slows things down. But he gets it.

[Unknown Guest]

He gets it. I would never bring him back there if he didn't. Oh, he's so funny. He like, everyone loves him. He's like, chatting people. He knows stuff. I'm like, yeah, I'm dumb. Let him talk to him.

[Unknown Announcer]

But what are you in a shower for? I always found that, I don't know, sounds like a good idea. And then there's like, there's the lubrication gets dried out. It's the opposite. You think it's wet so it'll slide. It dries it out.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know. It's just because we're in there together. We shower together a lot, actually. And I'm like. I think the second we're in there, I'm like, I'll just see it and I'll just.

[Unknown Announcer]

Starts with the game.

[Unknown Guest]

So I like, watch. I'm like, soaping his dick. And then I'm like, well, it's clean. I don't know. And then I do. I'm down there on my knees, and it's like. And I. I stand up. It's like. I'm like, we're going to the hospital. My bones have snapped in two. I cannot be behaving as such. I'm squatting. Squat. I've hemorrhoids. I can't be squatting. Yeah, they're gonna be sitting in the drain.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

What am I doing down there?

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Absurd.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, you're not a Korean grocery.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm not. How do they do that?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Sitting. Waiting for the bus. I can't be doing this.

[Unknown Announcer]

That is like the ultimate blow job position, though. The Korean grocer.

[Unknown Guest]

It is lunch. Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. You just say, can I get some Korean lunch?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, and then you just squat down with a sandwich.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right. Did I have a last one? I think that might have been all of it for. For rank em. So it's fun, right? Yeah, rank em's fun. But you Have a podcast. Do you have any segments on your podcast or you just kind of go?

[Unknown Guest]

I do, yeah. I keep wanting to get you on the name pod, but you live so far out here and I'm in East Hollywood.

[Unknown Announcer]

I'll come out.

[Unknown Guest]

Come out, please. I'd love you to my segment. Yeah, I have the worst body story you've ever heard in your life. And then the funniest way you think.

[Unknown Announcer]

Like, like not about yourself, just that.

[Unknown Guest]

You'Ve ever heard, like, something that's just like, traumatized you. In my example, I have a couple examples. One, my dad told me years ago that a man, I don't know why he fucking told me this. I mean, wrapped himself in Saran wrap and hid in a porta Potty and would watch women piss and shit. No, he told me that when I was so young that every single time I go to port body, to this day I have to look in for a little head peeking out. And someone recently on my Instagram just sent me going, that was real. And sent me an article from years ago from like someplace in like Kansas or Tennessee or something. And someone did that. Sick.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, you know, Chuck Berry lost a class action lawsuit from 40 women who proved that he had hidden cameras in the toilets in his restaurant in Illinois. No. Yeah. I don't know why he didn't go to jail, but he paid out a lot of money in the toilet. In the toilets. That was his thing. Yep. Well, I don't know where. I can't tell you which. Well, I mean, he had to wait for the pee pee to be done for the poo poo to come out. Well, because it's very rare you sit down and you poop first and then pee later.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, I'm pooping first.

[Unknown Announcer]

Shut up.

[Unknown Guest]

If I got a, if I, I shit's out of my ass.

[Unknown Announcer]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm running to the toilet. The shit's out.

[Unknown Announcer]

You can sit down and hold in the pee and drop a deuce.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm not holding.

[Unknown Announcer]

And then when you're done, suddenly you pee.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yes. I don't believe that's true.

[Unknown Guest]

I'll put a camera in my toilet, I'll send it to you, and I'll call it the very, the Very view. I, I tell you what, Chuck Berry would not be getting hard on whatever the coming out of me.

[Unknown Announcer]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

I take a hard piss, steamy piss, and my shits are bad.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Fiber.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, also, when you have hemorrhoids, the wipe becomes like a construction site.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, it's.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, they're in oh, they're inside.

[Unknown Guest]

I got an innie.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's annoying.

[Unknown Guest]

It's worse.

[Unknown Announcer]

Do you put the lotion in there?

[Unknown Guest]

Nothing works.

[Unknown Announcer]

It doesn't.

[Unknown Guest]

I, I, I, I. Shove those little tubs of butter at my ass.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

I feel so perverse. Well, you unraveling this little thing. I'm like, where's the bun? And then I'm just putting in my butthole. I'm like, this is. They don't work.

[Unknown Announcer]

And you put it in and it slips out. Slips right out.

[Unknown Guest]

What the hell is this? It's such a gross thing.

[Unknown Announcer]

And then your underwear stains from it.

[Unknown Guest]

So disgusting. Yeah, I'm just. That's it. This is who I am now.

[Unknown Announcer]

The only upside is when you do drop a deuce after putting it in, slides out. Yeah, it's nice.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it's silky.

[Unknown Announcer]

The old Carrie Gold Fitz Dog Radio, where we take on the issues of the day. What's the closest he ever came to a fist fight on stage?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, fuck. On stage. I got a chair thrown at me in the OR at the store a couple years ago.

[Unknown Announcer]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes. It was so up. It was. Oh, I remember. I. I had just got out of a horrendous relationship, and I should not have been on stage.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I just found out something really bad, and I was like, in a really bad headspace. And I get to the show, it's in the or. I love the or. And there's this guy in the front. As soon as I walk on, this guy in this big bubble jacket immediately gets on his phone, and I'm like, hey. I'm like, all right, man. I'm like, who are you texting? He's like, goes back to his phone. I go, buddy, you. I'm like, I've said nothing. You can't even hate me already. I've done no jokes. I've done nothing at all. Kind of. He stops for second, does this, rolls his eyes, puts his phone down. I do one joke. Minute later, he's back on his phone. I go, all right, puffy vest. What year is it? 2002. What the. On the phone?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm like, who the. I'm like, if you have to make a call, make a call. Like, you're pissing me off. So I keep going on. I'm making fun of. Not even that badly. He gets. So I say something that I guess triggers him. I don't know what it was. He stands up and he's like, you. I'm like, me. You grabs the chair and I guess. And I'm Seeing I'm watching this in slow motion, but in my head I'm like, does he think these are like light chairs? This guy's a scrawny guy. So he was smaller than me. I'm like, I can take this guy. So right away my head goes. I can take him.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

He stands up, grabs the chair and I'm like, where's the door, guys?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Hello.

[Unknown Guest]

What the fuck's happening right now?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Grabs the chair, goes to throw it and he thinks he's going to be like this, like a wicker. Thinks he's going to go over his head. He can barely get it up. This guy beside is like, oh my God, he's throwing the chair. This audience member goes up to grab him. He gets the chair up. I watch it just roll beside me and I go, did you just throw a chair at me? And the crowd is like now dead silent.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And they're like a pin could drop. And the sec finally door guys come, they get him out. They take him out. He's like, you, you. And I was like, he gets whatever, whatever. 3. What's it called, 360s when you get cut out? What is it called? 86.

[Unknown Announcer]

86, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So he gets 86, whatever. And he's pissed off out there, swearing around, whatever.

[Unknown Announcer]

Although if you throw somebody out and you spin them around during the 86, I think it's a 360. Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

But I remember like my heart was like pounding and then I ended up killing. I did like, I was so pissed. And I was like, yeah, it was crazy. But I was like, I'm like, if this guy, like, if that chair hit me, I would have just pounded him.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And I'm like, he was so small too.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right, Right.

[Unknown Guest]

I've never had like a bottle thrown at me or anything like that. But.

[Unknown Announcer]

But I do think that after an incident like that, because I've had them. Well, every comic has had it. When somebody gets thrown out during your set, if you handle it well and you stay in control of the room, they turn into the greatest crowd of all. They turn into a 17 year old girl who you just went down on for 20 minutes and now you're going to make love to.

[Unknown Guest]

That's the example.

[Unknown Announcer]

You went with 21. She's 21.

[Unknown Guest]

It's like if anyone's eating my position. 17. I was grossed out by it. They don't know what the they're doing sick.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, I'm not saying.

[Unknown Guest]

It'S like the Apollo. I thought you would say that. I'm like, what's the 17 year old came out of nowhere for no reason. The hell is this? It feels like. Because they. They feel like they're. They witnessed something so special, and they're like, wow, you did that?

[Unknown Announcer]

And they. They know how hard your job is at a time like that, and they just appreciate. Appreciate what you're doing.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Putting yourself up there.

[Unknown Announcer]

I swear to God, next time I do a special, I'm gonna plant somebody in the front row to get thrown out.

[Unknown Guest]

Hey, Steve Hofstadter.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, did he do that?

[Unknown Guest]

He plans. It's the whole thing. No, that's his whole thing. He plants people.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, is this well known? You're telling a secret.

[Unknown Guest]

I thought everyone knew that.

[Unknown Announcer]

I didn't know.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't think he knows it's well known, but I know a lot of comics talk about it.

[Unknown Announcer]

So he records clips of people heckling him, but the hecklers are actually playing plants.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay. Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

I think. I think that what happened was, like, the first couple were real.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And they went crazy viral.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

And I said, well, you can't have somebody always yelling high Hitler in the crowd. You're like, 20 bucks. Third row to the left. Cameras conveniently right on them. Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay. And he's lobbed.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said clearly into the microphone.

[Unknown Announcer]

Do you think saying Heil Hitler is more. More offensive than saying hi, Hitler? Because when you say hi, Hitler, it's almost more. Hi, Intimate. Yeah. It's flirty. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Hi. I think if you do that. If you do that, it's nicer.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Elon did that. I think that would have been like.

[Unknown Announcer]

Instead of putting the arm all the way up, if he went halfway up and then went like, hi, Hitler.

[Unknown Guest]

If he. Can you imagine that's what he used to do instead of doing the thing. We all would be offended by it. We were like, that's actually kind of cute.

[Unknown Announcer]

He never would have taken over Eastern Europe.

[Unknown Guest]

He wouldn't have.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

He'd still be around today.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right, this is. By the way, this is Fastballs with fits. This is where we ask you fastball questions.

[Unknown Guest]

All right.

[Unknown Announcer]

By the way, your website.

[Unknown Guest]

Do I have a website?

[Unknown Announcer]

It's awful.

[Unknown Guest]

I have a website.

[Unknown Announcer]

Somebody made one for you.

[Unknown Guest]

Are you joking?

[Unknown Announcer]

I was hoping you didn't make it.

[Unknown Guest]

Because I have a web.

[Unknown Announcer]

You have a website? But it's weird. It's like Steph Tolev, dot something like, not the usual. It's not like dot com. It's dot. Something else.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't even know I had a website.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's your picture, it's got a link to your representation. But then when you click on the representation, it goes to like Pinterest. And then when you go to your tour dates, it's only got a couple of them. And then. Yeah, it's awful.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't. I don't have a website.

[Unknown Announcer]

Why don't you have a website?

[Unknown Guest]

I. It's all punch up. It's all Instagram. Punch up live. That's my website. It's like all my tour dates, my videos are on there. Things on there. It's all Instagram now. I'm like, fuck. I. I better look at that. I had no idea. The website.

[Unknown Announcer]

Is that the new thing to not have a website?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it's all. It's like you click the link in the bio. It's all there. All two dates are there. My YouTube's there. Everything's there.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's what's holding me back. It's your website and I'll tell you what's holding you back.

[Unknown Guest]

My hemorrhoids.

[Unknown Announcer]

What is your hemorrhoids? Who is your best Asian friend?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, Winnie ip. Who now or back in the day?

[Unknown Announcer]

No, whenever.

[Unknown Guest]

Winnie? Yeah, my, like in grade Winnie? Yeah, grade three. She. Winnie ip? Yeah. Full name. It was a cute name.

[Unknown Announcer]

I like that.

[Unknown Guest]

She's a very nice girl.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

My house, a great party. She had a cool little three story house.

[Unknown Announcer]

Did you go to her house and her family cooked Chinese food?

[Unknown Guest]

Yep. She had birthday parties and stuff. And then my other friend was. What's Rihanna Maharaj? She's. I don't want to say Pakistani. She's Indian. Yeah. I don't.

[Unknown Announcer]

I don't love it when the Middle Easterners call themselves Asian.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, stay in your lane.

[Unknown Announcer]

You know, there's enough Asians. Don't. Don't make Asian bigger than it already is.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't think they do that, do they?

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, they always do that. You say somebody, I'll say. I'll say to the crowd, any Asian people here tonight? And then some guy, some chick with a red dot on her far head's gone. I go, I'm totally kidding. Right?

[Unknown Guest]

It's like, you are not who I thought you were at all. My God. Jesus.

[Unknown Announcer]

I just go into that character.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Like, is it. Who am I sitting here with? Jeff Dye.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, is that your guy?

[Unknown Guest]

No, I just saw the clip of the day with Marin and I've been laughing at it.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, I. Well, I saw the clip. Is that when Bert Kreischer was telling Marin?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Did Jeff die go on Marin and on Bert or he just.

[Unknown Guest]

No, Jeff die. Went on burnt was on Marin.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, got it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

I just saw. Marin said, I've never heard of him.

[Unknown Guest]

This is the funniest clip of ours entire life.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's the best way to handle it.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, Jess blocked me years ago, so it's like I, I couldn't even. Like I chimed in a little bit. I had. I had a couple laughy emojis in there. You better believe I was in there liking some stuff.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

But I just think it's funny that. Just a funny clip. Yeah, that's a perfect clip. That's. That's the perfect Internet clip. Yeah, it's a nice.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's a lot of drama in the comedy world lately.

[Unknown Guest]

There's so much drama.

[Unknown Announcer]

Comics badmouthing each other and, you know, there's different sects and cults of comedy that are bashing each other and, you know, like, you've got the Largo comics and then you've got the Legion of Skanks guys in New York and then you've got the Austin guys and then you've got, you know, Jeselnik is sort of taking on everybody, which I do love. It's great.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, great. Yeah, yeah. He's just, he doesn't give a. He's just lone wolf.

[Unknown Announcer]

And then you've got like Andy Kindler, you know.

[Unknown Guest]

Kindler's in there. Yeah, I love.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown Guest]

Kindler's in there. Then you have. You know who I was, my favorite? Tim Heideker.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, does he chime in on people?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, no, but he, he doesn't. He's doing a show, some live show right now called Kill Timmy. And it's no way. No way funny. Yeah, you should see the clips.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's a parody of Kill Timmy.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah, it's very funny.

[Unknown Announcer]

Does he do a live show?

[Unknown Guest]

Have you not seen his. His special where he does his whole character? Tim. I think it's a Night with Tim Heideker or something. And it's. I think it's the most brilliant Santa special I've ever seen. He plays this character of this stand up comic guy.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

He does one hour. He doesn't do a single joke. He's like. He comes out the mic stand, falls everywhere, the music's all up. He yells the whole time. He's like, yeah, my wife. And that's all he does. He just. It's so funny. It's insane.

[Unknown Announcer]

I don't like it.

[Unknown Guest]

You. You'd love it.

[Unknown Announcer]

I don't like when non comics come out.

[Unknown Guest]

He's a comic.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, he's a cat. He's a comic actor.

[Unknown Guest]

His stand up is funny. His regular stand up is funny. It's funny. Watch. He said regular specials.

[Unknown Announcer]

I like him. I'm friends with him, but I don't like when people watch it. I feel protective of the art.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay. All of a sudden.

[Unknown Announcer]

Who do you want to give you eulogy?

[Unknown Guest]

My sister. Because it'd be the funniest. Yeah, It'll be the most heartfelt and funny. You need some crying. You need some laughing.

[Unknown Announcer]

Do you think that before you die you will sort of give her some bullet points on some of the.

[Unknown Guest]

No, no, let her go.

[Unknown Announcer]

Let her do it.

[Unknown Guest]

She wants.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah. She's got free reign on that one.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah. But I wanted something funny too. Like, you've seen that video of the Irish guy who they play. He's like, I'm alive.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, like that.

[Unknown Guest]

Like that. I want to do something like that.

[Unknown Announcer]

You know, it would be so sad if I said, here's how you know somebody's suicidal. You're like, who do you want to give your eulogy? And they're like, dad, my dad. Like, he's get. Like, he'd still be alive when you're dead.

[Unknown Guest]

No, no, no. It's definitely got to be who's the.

[Unknown Announcer]

Worst feature or opener that you've had on one of your shows?

[Unknown Guest]

Who? That's a good question.

[Unknown Announcer]

They're all good questions. That's why it's called Fastball.

[Unknown Guest]

I had this host in Kansas City. Poor girl, she should not have been doing it. She was very young. Found out after the club Booker turns out, likes young women. Very young. Yeah, she was maybe 17.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown Guest]

I. She looked. I got in the green room. I go, oh, hi. Who are you? She come hosting for you? And I was like, you're doing what? I'm like, no, you're not. What I'm like. And then we got there late. I was rushing around. I remember being like, I have to do. I'm like, I'm not doing an hour tonight. I'm tired. She's gonna do like 10, 15. And that's what he's getting paid for. And then I'll do like 45. And the Booker's like, oh, no, she doesn't have that. She has five. I go, well, then why the is she hosting?

[Unknown Announcer]

All right.

[Unknown Guest]

He's like, well, you know, she likes you. And I want to get her, like, people DM me being like, I. If you bring her again, I'm never going to come see you again.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, it was.

[Unknown Guest]

And I'm sure she's better now, but.

[Unknown Announcer]

It was like, are you sure you.

[Unknown Guest]

Were not ready to be hosting for a touring headliner?

[Unknown Announcer]

Right, Right.

[Unknown Guest]

It was.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

It made me uncomfortable. And we also. I was like, why is there a child in my green room?

[Unknown Announcer]

I felt weird, right?

[Unknown Guest]

I was like, I'm uncomfortable here. My opener was also like, why is there a child in the green room?

[Unknown Announcer]

Do you remember any of her jokes?

[Unknown Guest]

No, I. I was. I was backstage, like, looking at my opening. He's like, oh. I'm like, you got work to do, right? Get the out there, pervert. Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

There are two types of people in the world. Go.

[Unknown Guest]

Pieces of and some few nice people.

[Unknown Announcer]

What percentage do you think are nice versus pieces?

[Unknown Guest]

I think nice, probably 20%.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, all right.

[Unknown Guest]

I like to hope that many.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And the rest are scumbags.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. What's your spidey sense on knowing which is which? How long?

[Unknown Guest]

I'm very good.

[Unknown Announcer]

Quick. Very quick, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

This honker can sniff them out from a mile away. Oh, I'm in there. I, I know the bad ones. You get a vibe, too.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Vibe. You can just tell by the way they treat you and stuff. Like, it's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

And how do you treat people who you think are pieces of? Do you just cut them out or do you.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I, I'm like, I'm civil if we're on a show together, but I'm like, I'm not nice to you.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

You know, if I don't like you.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Said their names. Yeah. You know, I'm not like, I, I'm not tiptoeing around here. If you're a piece of. If I, if you've been. If I hear nothing but bad stories about you with other women, you're to me.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Done.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right?

[Unknown Guest]

That's it. I'm not backing you for anything. If you. You're a predator. Anyone who's, like, associated with Kristalia, I'm like, why are we still talking about this, man? Why are we doing this? This is crazy, right? That's. No, I, I, that's bad people.

[Unknown Announcer]

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, a couple.

[Unknown Announcer]

Couple. How old were you?

[Unknown Guest]

High school. One of my 20s. One I was like, this girl was, like, looking at my ex. Boyfriend. Another one, I was in a. Actually both with guys. Like, a girl, like, shoved my boyfriend at the time at this bar and then I shoved her back and Then three girls got on top of me and they were like scratching me and like punching me. And then I thought one of them stole my cell phone and the security was dragging them out. So on the way out, I'm like, you got my phone? And then I clocked her right in the head.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And it turns out it was my back pocket the whole time. I just got a new iPhone. It was an iPhone one. I'm like, I'm saving this.

[Unknown Announcer]

Did you have scratches on you?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah. I was like, fully scratches. Like my face was all bleeding and they'd rip my shirt all over.

[Unknown Announcer]

Really? This is in Toronto?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah. Andy Pool hall, it was called. It was like a huge pool hall that, like, it was actually really cool. It turned like a club on the weekends, but had like 20 pool tables.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, it was a cool place. I like it.

[Unknown Guest]

It was used to be by the comedy bar.

[Unknown Announcer]

You had the haircut for that place.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't even have the flare cut then. I now had the old hair.

[Unknown Announcer]

What was the second fight?

[Unknown Guest]

Well, when I got arrested in high school.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh.

[Unknown Guest]

But that was. I did. I. I more started it, but I've been in like. I a lot of like, just if my friends are in a fight, I'll kind of chime in there.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Bop around, a couple kicks, couple tosses.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, like that.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. A lot of it's. I'm punching people, you know, it's fun.

[Unknown Announcer]

You ever crowd surfed?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Really?

[Unknown Guest]

A couple times. Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

You ever been felt up while you were crowd?

[Unknown Guest]

I have.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's why I think my. My daughter crowds.

[Unknown Guest]

Don't let her do it. Tell her to stop. Tell her to stop right now. Yeah, I got honks bad. I got flipped over my front, right?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Because normally it's like you have to crowd surf at a show where it's like full rockers. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You're gonna get. She's gonna get touched.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

She can't be up there. Get her down.

[Unknown Announcer]

Talk to her. Yeah, she's did last weekend.

[Unknown Guest]

No, she's done.

[Unknown Announcer]

And she went to see. She's friends with this.

[Unknown Guest]

Unless it was Atlantis Morissette.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Then they would caress your. Caressing nicely. Yeah, yeah. They're cradling you, huh?

[Unknown Announcer]

I'd like to crowd surf before I die.

[Unknown Guest]

You can crowd surf easily.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Do want a goddamn comedy jam? They do it.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right. What's the last time you apologized?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, to my boyfriend, like five days ago.

[Unknown Announcer]

What happened?

[Unknown Guest]

I fly off the handle sometimes. I get a little upset. I get A little worked up. I went crazy because I put parsley in a meal instead of cilantro and it ruined the whole meal and I lost my mind.

[Unknown Announcer]

No, wait, he put cilantro.

[Unknown Guest]

I did. I did it.

[Unknown Announcer]

So you took it out on him because you fucked up.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I fucked up. I was yelling at him and I blamed him for not helping me with dinner. And then I screamed at him, and then it was a big ordeal. And then I apologize right after.

[Unknown Announcer]

I always apologize right after, before you go to sleep.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

They say that's the key.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. No, I always. When I. When I know I'm in the wrong, I apologize.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Even if I don't want to, I will say it.

[Unknown Announcer]

Uh huh. Does that come from. Do you grow up Catholic or something?

[Unknown Guest]

No, it comes from just being, I think, a person. I don't want, especially with him, I don't want to fight with him.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't want him to be angry at me. I want to solve this because my daddy, we used to fight so much as kids, he's scream and yell all the time. I never apologized. He was just like, you just hit me. He's like, what? No, I was angry. It's fine. I'm like, hello, you're sorry. I won't do it again. I need something. I need some kind of closure here.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So just the yelling and the going about your business. Like, my dad would literally scream at us, and then 20 minutes later he'd be like singing owls and chains in the basement. I'm like, hello, change.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's dark. To be singing that after a beating.

[Unknown Guest]

And he's like screaming. We're like, good Christ, Dad. What are you going through? Holy hell. What the. Is this hammering things in his basement thing he has down there is like the.

[Unknown Announcer]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

Scary. I know. But yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

I think that's one of the most profound things I've felt with my children is apologizing to them was to me, like, it wasn't just for me, because there's so much pressure as a parent to be good, to be perfect. And when you're not, you really beat yourself up. But then when you apologize to your child for it, you free yourself of some of that. And you're also. It's a life lesson for them that apologizing is always gonna make everybody feel better if it's. If it's right.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

If it's sincere, you know, And I feel like my kids are able to apologize to their friends because they saw it modeled from us and I. I'm same Way I didn't see it from my parents either. And they both used to fucking beat us all the time.

[Unknown Guest]

And you're like, hello.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Right.

[Unknown Announcer]

I mean, I know you. Like, you said, say, I won't do it again. I know you will, but at least for now, say you won't do it again.

[Unknown Guest]

We sleep tonight.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Wink.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. That's very nice that you do that, because I. I don't think my parents apologize to me later in life.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, my dad apologized. Like, I'm sorry if I was bad as. That's you.

[Unknown Announcer]

When you're younger.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm like, well, where was this when I was 8? I don't need it now. I'm done. I'm done with it.

[Unknown Announcer]

I know.

[Unknown Guest]

But, yeah, I. I apologize a lot.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Good. Final question, and then we'll get to your credits. You're. I'm gonna promote your dates, but I only have, like, three of them because.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't need the dates. It's the special I need to pro.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, that's right.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. That's why I asked you to do this.

[Unknown Announcer]

And I'm so sorry I didn't watch it. Is it out?

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Unknown Announcer]

Oh, good.

[Unknown Guest]

Then I don't feel as bad about not watching it.

[Unknown Announcer]

But what I'll do is I'll watch it, and then I will talk about it on a future show.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

So this is like a double plug. No, I won't say it poorly. Where'd you shoot it?

[Unknown Guest]

Boston.

[Unknown Announcer]

Where?

[Unknown Guest]

Paradise Rock Club.

[Unknown Announcer]

Really?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Dude, that's the first place I ever did stand up comedy in my life.

[Unknown Guest]

Serious. What?

[Unknown Announcer]

Fucking crazy.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't even know they did stand up there. What are you talking about? Are you serious?

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, there was. Paradise is connected to. It used to be connected to a club called Stitches. They were the same venue.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

Paradise is in the back.

[Unknown Guest]

Huh?

[Unknown Announcer]

And Stitches is in the front. And they had an open mic night.

[Unknown Guest]

And it's literally on the bar now. It's a bar now.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's on the campus of Boston University, basically.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Unknown Announcer]

My dorm room, I could see paradise. And so I used to go to. I used to go to watch shows. Go to watch shows. And then my freshman year, what the hell was January? January? No, February 6th. Whatever it was, it was the super bowl. And the New England Patriots that day had gotten annihilated by the Bears in the Super Bowl. And I went on stage that night in Boston, and. I can't believe that's where you shot it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I can't believe you didn't shoot yours there. You have way more of a connection than I do. I just wanted to be. I love Boston.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Love Boston. And I wanted it to be in, like, a venue that felt like me, that I would like.

[Unknown Announcer]

A lot of people have compared Boston to Toronto.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Announcer]

Yes. When I was living there, people always said, Toronto is just like Boston.

[Unknown Guest]

I. A little bit, I guess, very international. Yes. Boston. I didn't think it was as much.

[Unknown Announcer]

It's very segregated.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Maybe they're not similar.

[Unknown Guest]

I went there. I chose that because the crowd was the craziest crowd I had.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Out of my whole.

[Unknown Announcer]

Boston, crowds are the best.

[Unknown Guest]

I was like, this is. This is a special crowd. This is what I want.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right. Right.

[Unknown Guest]

This reaction, this kind of screaming, yelling. I'm like, I want this.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yep.

[Unknown Guest]

Quiet.

[Unknown Announcer]

I hate quiet crowds.

[Unknown Guest]

Toronto could be quiet. I'm like, you're my hometown. I'm like. And I wanted it to be in Canada. Obviously. I want to film my first special in Canada. But I was like, I just did a. A big theater show in Toronto right before that. I'm like, I can't. I can't double it up.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay, last question. Last question. I have a choice? There's two different ones I'm going to ask. All right, I'll ask this one. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, fuck. Probably about my nose. I used to joke I have to do it now because I only get online trolling my nose. So I just say that. I'm like, I know I look like Danny DeVito penguin that bullet. Or I'll do now my hack jokes. I always do. I go, I'm not a lesbian. And they're, like, so stupid.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

But sometimes the hacks just. They work.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yep.

[Unknown Guest]

Just to get them going. And then I'll do my.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right. Yeah, yeah. The. The. The hack bits are either the first or the last bit in the act.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Because that's where you need it the most.

[Unknown Guest]

Exactly. You need to get them going. And then the middle. I just talked out of my ass.

[Unknown Announcer]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

So cares.

[Unknown Announcer]

What's the name of the special?

[Unknown Guest]

Phil's Queen.

[Unknown Announcer]

You should make T shirts that people can read.

[Unknown Guest]

It's on Netflix. June 23rd, it drops.

[Unknown Announcer]

That's amazing. On Netflix.

[Unknown Guest]

On Netflix.

[Unknown Announcer]

Good for you.

[Unknown Guest]

Very happy. Thank you.

[Unknown Announcer]

And then you'll hit a bunch of podcasts and promote it, doing all that.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm also in Tires, the new season of Tires.

[Unknown Announcer]

You're great in Tires.

[Unknown Guest]

You didn't see it yet?

[Unknown Announcer]

I didn't see it yet?

[Unknown Guest]

It's not out yet, but watch that.

[Unknown Announcer]

What else were you in Hacks?

[Unknown Guest]

Did you see me in Hacks?

[Unknown Announcer]

I saw you in Hacks.

[Unknown Guest]

Did you? Actually, yeah. Okay, what did I do?

[Unknown Announcer]

You are an assistant at the company. Oh, no, that's Robbie Hoffman.

[Unknown Guest]

God damn it.

[Unknown Announcer]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now I know season three. I remember seeing you. What are you doing?

[Unknown Guest]

I'm in the roast. I roast Deborah Vance.

[Unknown Announcer]

Okay. He was great.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I don't remember anything as an old dad. Did you see Bill's movie, old Dads?

[Unknown Announcer]

You were great. You were at the hotel.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes. See that you remember. Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

You were great in that. That was like a blow up scene. It was just like a hard, funny scene.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I farted, people. Is it real? I'm like, yeah, my fart was that long and that loud.

[Unknown Announcer]

On demand, you know they do nine takes of each shot.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. It just means. Fuck, I could have, but.

[Unknown Announcer]

Well, good luck and on the special.

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you so much.

[Unknown Announcer]

You're. You're. You know, you're on. I was talking about you before you got here. I said you're on a really great trajectory. I think you're. You really have. Because you have a base. You're not somebody that one good thing happened to, and now all of a sudden, like, people are aware of you. It's like you've built up a following through just shows after shows after shows and putting good stuff on the Internet and. And that's just. It's just going to keep going up.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, this is so nice. Thank you so much.

[Unknown Announcer]

Yeah, of course.

[Unknown Guest]

Come do my pod.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right, let's do it.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

All right, bye. Bye.

[Unknown Guest]

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[Unknown Announcer]

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[Unknown Guest]

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[Unknown Announcer]

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[Unknown Guest]

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