Transcript
Tom Arnold (0:00)
Tired of the price of everything going up these days. Groceries, rent, you name it, it's all going up.
Greg Fitzsimmons (0:05)
But not at Metro. They've got your back.
Tom Arnold (0:08)
Metro has lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee.
Greg Fitzsimmons (0:12)
On talk, text and data.
Tom Arnold (0:14)
One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh and you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyteammobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network.
Greg Fitzsimmons (0:37)
Talk, text and 5G data for customers.
Tom Arnold (0:39)
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Greg Fitzsimmons (1:53)
Hi, it's time for Fitz Dog Radio. That means course it's about a day before it air. I usually record on Monday or Tuesday goes up on Wednesday. So I I don't know what's going to happen by Wednesday but right now I'm in Los Angeles. We're okay. We I guess we got the lapd. I guess we got state police. I guess we got ice. I think that covers it. I don't think National Guard is that There was like one protest about 15 miles south of here. I mean, people are peacefully demonstrating all over, and now they're talking about the Marines. It almost seems like Trump is trying to cause a distraction from other stuff that might be going on right now. I don't know. That's just off the top of my head. Um, let's not get into it. Who cares? It'll all work out. It's all going to work out. Gavin Newsom may be in jail. That'll be interesting. There is a Brazilian comedian, this guy named Leo Linz, who I guess did some material that the government found inappropriate. Wasn't even talking about politics. He was talking about black people, fat people, different races, elderly people, people with disabilities. Anyway, they put him in jail for eight years. So, hey, why don't we get the National Guard out of LA and send them to Austin, Texas, Round those guys up, because they are all doing it. All right, so I wrote some monologue jokes because I'm submitting them to a TV show. Here's my story. You want to know my story? I've written for TV for 20 years, and out of the 20 years that I've been writing, I qualified for health coverage 16 of those years, which means you have to make over. It's like $45,000 a year in writing income. And then they give you free health coverage for the year. You're covered by an amazing insurance plan. WGA has a great insurance policy. You pay almost nothing and you get amazing coverage. Anyway, if you get 17 years of coverage, doesn't have to be in a row. Any 17 years, you get free coverage for the rest of your life. You no longer have to qualify. I have 16 out of 17 years. And I currently, and I'm not exaggerating, this is what I pay. I pay $40,000 a year in health coverage for me and my wife and two kids. So it's a strain, it's a drain, it's a pain, it's a lot. So I'm up for a monologue writing job, and if I get it, I will qualify for coverage for the rest of my life. So I spent the weekend writing monologue jokes. It's a possibility. Had a meeting with them already and they're waiting to see the jokes. If I don't get it, it's. I'm going to be pretty depressed. There's not a ton of writing jobs for slightly older comics at this point. Men, especially white straight. We're not. Our phones are not ringing off the hook these days, so this could be good. Anyway, here's some of the jokes I wrote that I did not include in the packet that I submitted because, you know, maybe. Maybe they're too edgy or maybe they just weren't funny enough. But here's the leftover jokes. President Trump has revoked security protection for former health official Anthony Foushee. Foushee plans to protect his life by keeping his distance from strangers and wearing a mask. All right, that's not bad. Um, how about this one? The State Department has halted the scheduling of new visa interviews for foreign students hoping to study in the US High school teachers everywhere said, there goes my ping pong team and the science fair and our chance at winning the spelling bee and the Quiz Bowl. Great. Now who are my kids gonna cheat off of now that the only reason I put in is I feel like, are they gonna just assume I'm talking about Chinese kids? Which I'm not. Indian kids are smarter than us. British. Oh, most of them, actually, so. And they all play ping pong anyway. Pope Leo will speak at a show in the stadium where the Chicago White Sox play. They say it'll be the first time. You know the White Sox suck right now. They say it'll be the first time in years someone in that stadium says the words Jesus and Christ without screaming fuck in between. Without screaming fucking. Yeah, maybe that's why I didn't put it in, um, terrain in spending. The Department of Labor will cut overtime pay for millions of workers next week. In response, President Trump asked, what's overtime? After the fallout with Musk, Trump is still bringing this with the white South Africans to the US but now it's just a layover on their flight to El Salvador. That'll show them. The Supreme Court heard arguments in a case requiring websites that publish sexual material to verify the age of its users. When they heard about this, American teens were up in arm. Get it? This is the one time when a teenager actually wants to find his dad's porn. In recent days, dating apps have started using a height filter. Women on Tinder and Hinge are seeking men who are 6ft and bigger. While on Grindr, 6 inches will still get you in the door. Bop, boom, cock joke. Not gonna use on late night TV reports. No, that one's stupid. Trump has named himself chairman of the Kennedy center for the Performing Arts. The Sound of Music is being considered, but Musk is insisting the Nazis are now the good guys. Now that he's booking the axe for the Kennedy Center, I'm sure Trump's favorite band, the Village People, will be asked to perform. Not sure if they'll accept the band is a construction worker affected by steel tariffs and an Indian whose land is being fracked and a guy who's been kicked out of the Navy for being gay. That's it. Maybe I'll just write monologue jokes for the podcast from now on. Would that be fun? I don't know. Those weren't the best ones. Those were the rejects. Where do you see the ones that got in? Oh, my God. If you want to hear more jokes from me, I will be. I'll be in Sacramento this weekend with Louis CK performing a couple shows. Torrance, California, at the end on June 29th. Austin, Texas, at the Mothership, July 4th through the 6th, Pottstown, Pennsylvania, at Soul Joel's July 31st, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinny's August 1st and 2nd. Then I'll be at La Jolla in August. Denver, Connecticut, Vegas, Chicago, New Orleans. For Skank Festival. Go to fitzdog.com, pick up some tickets, come out and say hi. Also, want to give a shout out to Sleepy Hollow Coffee Roasters. Oh, my God. Do you like the vibrant taste of fresh blueberries? That's Katrina from Sleepy Hollow Coffee Roasters. Maybe you want your espresso delivered with a jolt of flavors and sweet nuttiness melting into rich, dark chocolate. That's the awakening of ichabod. Go to sleepyhollowcoffeeroasters.com by June 1st. Enter promo code. Oh, did that expire? Oh, well, do it anyway. Forget the promo code. My buddy launched this company. It's amazing coffee. Give it a shot. Sleepyhollowcoffeeroasters.com all right, my guest today is a dear old friend. He's been on this podcast many times. He always slaughters. He is so free. He is so uninhibited and truthful and self examined and a work in progress. He's a broken toy with a good heart. Little manic used to be married to Roseanne Barr. Maybe he's still recovering from that. He was in the movies, True Lies, Carpool. He was on the best sports show, period, which I loved him on. He was in Sons of Anarchy. Anyway, you know him, you love him. Here is Tom Arnold. When I think of the great guests in the history of Fitz Dog radio, and I've been doing this show for 14 years.