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- [00:00]
Tom Arnold
Tired of the price of everything going up these days. Groceries, rent, you name it, it's all going up.
- [00:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But not at Metro. They've got your back.
- [00:08]
Tom Arnold
Metro has lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee.
- [00:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
On talk, text and data.
- [00:14]
Tom Arnold
One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh and you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyteammobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network.
- [00:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Talk, text and 5G data for customers.
- [00:39]
Tom Arnold
Activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply. Details at metro bit mobile.com hi, I'm Richard Karn and you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new Pocket hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is here and it's a total game changer. Old fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot, but the Copperhead's pocket pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow and free to to water with ease all around your home. When you're all done, this rust proof anti burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Plus your super light and ultra durable pocket hose Copperhead is backed with a 10 year warranty. What could be better than that? I'll tell you what. An exciting radio exclusive offer just for you for a limited time. You can get a free pocket pivot and their 10 pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size Copperhead hose. Just text water to 64,000. That's water to 64,000 for your two free gifts with purchase W A T E R to 64,000 by texting 64,000. You agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket host. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available at pockethose.com terms.
- [01:53]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Hi, it's time for Fitz Dog Radio. That means course it's about a day before it air. I usually record on Monday or Tuesday goes up on Wednesday. So I I don't know what's going to happen by Wednesday but right now I'm in Los Angeles. We're okay. We I guess we got the lapd. I guess we got state police. I guess we got ice. I think that covers it. I don't think National Guard is that There was like one protest about 15 miles south of here. I mean, people are peacefully demonstrating all over, and now they're talking about the Marines. It almost seems like Trump is trying to cause a distraction from other stuff that might be going on right now. I don't know. That's just off the top of my head. Um, let's not get into it. Who cares? It'll all work out. It's all going to work out. Gavin Newsom may be in jail. That'll be interesting. There is a Brazilian comedian, this guy named Leo Linz, who I guess did some material that the government found inappropriate. Wasn't even talking about politics. He was talking about black people, fat people, different races, elderly people, people with disabilities. Anyway, they put him in jail for eight years. So, hey, why don't we get the National Guard out of LA and send them to Austin, Texas, Round those guys up, because they are all doing it. All right, so I wrote some monologue jokes because I'm submitting them to a TV show. Here's my story. You want to know my story? I've written for TV for 20 years, and out of the 20 years that I've been writing, I qualified for health coverage 16 of those years, which means you have to make over. It's like $45,000 a year in writing income. And then they give you free health coverage for the year. You're covered by an amazing insurance plan. WGA has a great insurance policy. You pay almost nothing and you get amazing coverage. Anyway, if you get 17 years of coverage, doesn't have to be in a row. Any 17 years, you get free coverage for the rest of your life. You no longer have to qualify. I have 16 out of 17 years. And I currently, and I'm not exaggerating, this is what I pay. I pay $40,000 a year in health coverage for me and my wife and two kids. So it's a strain, it's a drain, it's a pain, it's a lot. So I'm up for a monologue writing job, and if I get it, I will qualify for coverage for the rest of my life. So I spent the weekend writing monologue jokes. It's a possibility. Had a meeting with them already and they're waiting to see the jokes. If I don't get it, it's. I'm going to be pretty depressed. There's not a ton of writing jobs for slightly older comics at this point. Men, especially white straight. We're not. Our phones are not ringing off the hook these days, so this could be good. Anyway, here's some of the jokes I wrote that I did not include in the packet that I submitted because, you know, maybe. Maybe they're too edgy or maybe they just weren't funny enough. But here's the leftover jokes. President Trump has revoked security protection for former health official Anthony Foushee. Foushee plans to protect his life by keeping his distance from strangers and wearing a mask. All right, that's not bad. Um, how about this one? The State Department has halted the scheduling of new visa interviews for foreign students hoping to study in the US High school teachers everywhere said, there goes my ping pong team and the science fair and our chance at winning the spelling bee and the Quiz Bowl. Great. Now who are my kids gonna cheat off of now that the only reason I put in is I feel like, are they gonna just assume I'm talking about Chinese kids? Which I'm not. Indian kids are smarter than us. British. Oh, most of them, actually, so. And they all play ping pong anyway. Pope Leo will speak at a show in the stadium where the Chicago White Sox play. They say it'll be the first time. You know the White Sox suck right now. They say it'll be the first time in years someone in that stadium says the words Jesus and Christ without screaming fuck in between. Without screaming fucking. Yeah, maybe that's why I didn't put it in, um, terrain in spending. The Department of Labor will cut overtime pay for millions of workers next week. In response, President Trump asked, what's overtime? After the fallout with Musk, Trump is still bringing this with the white South Africans to the US but now it's just a layover on their flight to El Salvador. That'll show them. The Supreme Court heard arguments in a case requiring websites that publish sexual material to verify the age of its users. When they heard about this, American teens were up in arm. Get it? This is the one time when a teenager actually wants to find his dad's porn. In recent days, dating apps have started using a height filter. Women on Tinder and Hinge are seeking men who are 6ft and bigger. While on Grindr, 6 inches will still get you in the door. Bop, boom, cock joke. Not gonna use on late night TV reports. No, that one's stupid. Trump has named himself chairman of the Kennedy center for the Performing Arts. The Sound of Music is being considered, but Musk is insisting the Nazis are now the good guys. Now that he's booking the axe for the Kennedy Center, I'm sure Trump's favorite band, the Village People, will be asked to perform. Not sure if they'll accept the band is a construction worker affected by steel tariffs and an Indian whose land is being fracked and a guy who's been kicked out of the Navy for being gay. That's it. Maybe I'll just write monologue jokes for the podcast from now on. Would that be fun? I don't know. Those weren't the best ones. Those were the rejects. Where do you see the ones that got in? Oh, my God. If you want to hear more jokes from me, I will be. I'll be in Sacramento this weekend with Louis CK performing a couple shows. Torrance, California, at the end on June 29th. Austin, Texas, at the Mothership, July 4th through the 6th, Pottstown, Pennsylvania, at Soul Joel's July 31st, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinny's August 1st and 2nd. Then I'll be at La Jolla in August. Denver, Connecticut, Vegas, Chicago, New Orleans. For Skank Festival. Go to fitzdog.com, pick up some tickets, come out and say hi. Also, want to give a shout out to Sleepy Hollow Coffee Roasters. Oh, my God. Do you like the vibrant taste of fresh blueberries? That's Katrina from Sleepy Hollow Coffee Roasters. Maybe you want your espresso delivered with a jolt of flavors and sweet nuttiness melting into rich, dark chocolate. That's the awakening of ichabod. Go to sleepyhollowcoffeeroasters.com by June 1st. Enter promo code. Oh, did that expire? Oh, well, do it anyway. Forget the promo code. My buddy launched this company. It's amazing coffee. Give it a shot. Sleepyhollowcoffeeroasters.com all right, my guest today is a dear old friend. He's been on this podcast many times. He always slaughters. He is so free. He is so uninhibited and truthful and self examined and a work in progress. He's a broken toy with a good heart. Little manic used to be married to Roseanne Barr. Maybe he's still recovering from that. He was in the movies, True Lies, Carpool. He was on the best sports show, period, which I loved him on. He was in Sons of Anarchy. Anyway, you know him, you love him. Here is Tom Arnold. When I think of the great guests in the history of Fitz Dog radio, and I've been doing this show for 14 years.
- [11:59]
Tom Arnold
Wow.
- [12:00]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You've been so generous over the years to come. Come in and give me your time and give me your energy and your silliness. And you're back.
- [12:08]
Tom Arnold
I'm back. It's good to be back, buddy.
- [12:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [12:11]
Tom Arnold
I love you. It's good to be here.
- [12:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [12:13]
Tom Arnold
This shirt is not flattering. This is a exercise shirt. But it shows my tits.
- [12:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. You know what's not flattering at this age? Our bodies.
- [12:20]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yeah. No, yeah. That's bad.
- [12:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Our appearance is not flattering.
- [12:23]
Tom Arnold
Right. It's. Right. But you don't really have to look at yourself. I just look at my eyes in the mirror.
- [12:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [12:29]
Tom Arnold
Because if I look too closely, it's awful. You know, we have cameras, kids that. I have a single dad. My kids are 12 and 9. We have 21 cameras inside and outside the house. And 21 people are like, yeah, that's the LA crime. And I'm like, oh, no, no. Because their mom will break into the house. I just turning on the. All day. But also, I looked at myself. I've taken my clothes off and then played back what it looks like from behind. Yes.
- [12:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Face behind is a rough one. My ass. I grew up playing hockey and I used to roll. I lived in New York City for 10 years, and I literally would rollerblade everywhere. Upper west side, down to the Village. Upper east in the same day. My ass. You could bounce a quarter off of it. Round, tight. And then I looked in the mirror the other day, and I have old man ass. You know that little sag.
- [13:19]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. That weird skin that gets, like, you know, crickly.
- [13:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. And I realized, like, I never really worked. I've worked out, but it's always upper body. I've never worked on my legs, and now I think it's time.
- [13:30]
Tom Arnold
Most people do that. Arnold says most people do that. Little tight legs.
- [13:34]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. You always look at the calves. When I see these guys. There's only so much you can do with an ankle.
- [13:39]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [13:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Ankle's not getting any bigger.
- [13:40]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. No, no, But. But, you know, it's good to. I wish I would have stretched more. Yeah, right. Because it's a. Stretching is a. It's a thing. People live to be 105. They. They're dancers or stretchers. Yeah. You know, not that I want to live to be 105, but, you know.
- [13:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
How old would you like to be.
- [13:57]
Tom Arnold
When you go, well, you know, again, My kids are 12 and 9. I'd like to.
- [14:00]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You're 65.
- [14:01]
Tom Arnold
See them through. I'm 66.
- [14:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [14:03]
Tom Arnold
You know, I like to live as long as I can. My daughter's like, daddy, how old will you be when I go to college? And I'm like, 75, she's like, I'm not going to college, Dad. I go, that's my girl.
- [14:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [14:17]
Tom Arnold
I hope my kids live with me forever.
- [14:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. I used to think that I wanted to live to be 100, I think 83. And I'd like to punch out, like, did it. House is paid off.
- [14:29]
Tom Arnold
Right. But you start when you get close to 83, you're like, I got a couple more. Here's the thing. Guys like us, we never stop. Like, not that we're like Clint Eastwood, but he's directing a movie. He's 95.
- [14:40]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I heard that.
- [14:41]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. He's still Robert Redford's 88. He's out there killing it. Jane Fonda, who I know pretty well, is 87. And she's. She's definitely.
- [14:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She is.
- [14:52]
Tom Arnold
They say that on the air. Oh, she definitely is. And she's killing it. Like, I saw her daughter at the. I went to the pediatrician with my daughter, and her daughter's the drug sergeant. She said, hey, Tom. I see. I go, hey, what? She lives in Vermont. What are you doing out here? She goes, do you all believe it? My mother asked me to come out Jane Fonda and do an intense therapy weekend so she could learn how to be a better mother. I swear to God, it made me cry. What? 60. Got to be 60 years old and.
- [15:20]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She'S still working on the relationship.
- [15:22]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. That is beautiful. That's amazing.
- [15:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I like it. I mean, I constantly, like, my son is about to move to New York to get a job, and me and my wife spend a lot of time talking about how do we nurture him and push him without. You always want to keep the communication open. You want them to feel non judged so that they come to you. And so it's that fine line between not making them feel judged, but also, like, not being soft. Like, I really feel like a parent has a lot to do with how hard the kid pushes themselves.
- [15:54]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [15:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And I feel like sometimes we've been too west side, Louisiana. Understanding and not enough, like, goals you have to accomplish. How do you do that with your daughter? Like, because she's.
- [16:08]
Tom Arnold
Well, she's died and she still digs hanging out with me, which is. People are like, when she's a teenager, she'll hate you at all. I go, when she's in heat, danger. I'll be like, se dial. You know, you do, you do my son too. You don't push him into anything. He plays football. My son is in fifth grade. He's 6, 1, 2, 3, size 14 shoes. Like, he comes right up on me, like, chesty. And it reminds me when I was Young. I had a single dad, too.
- [16:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You played football, right?
- [16:38]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yes. Yeah. And I was young. I. I might. I got one time we lived, you know, we lived on a farm, and my dad had so many freaking rules. He made me cut my hair. And I'm like, fuck you, me and you. Right now I'll back, like, for real. And he's like, really? And he took. He goes, let me do one thing. Kind of measured his. It just kind of rubbed up against with that hard knuckle of his. And that hurt. Yeah. Him measuring it. And I'm like, okay, let's take a raid check, fucker. But, you know, you hope and you find out, because I think kids come here fully formed. This is. And it's our job to protect them, nurture them, but also find out what they really want to do and make it happen. Find out who they are, you know.
- [17:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you think it's nature, and you think it's about. Well, you have. You have adhd, and now.
- [17:24]
Tom Arnold
Yes.
- [17:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And now you're saying you have autism, which I think.
- [17:27]
Tom Arnold
Asperger's. Yeah, it's a little form of.
- [17:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I think Asperger's is the new adhd. I think. Well, people are being recognized for it. And it's like you said, know what you're dealing with and work on that. Because, like, adhd, like, we realized my daughter has. It is like, give her things she's excited about and she'll do really well.
- [17:45]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, she'll hyper focus on it.
- [17:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She'll hyper focus and accomplish. But if you try to force them into something that they don't like, they're gonna fail and they're gonna feel bad about themselves.
- [17:54]
Tom Arnold
Well. And they'll excel at the things they do. Like when they get focused. My son's the same way. When he gets focused on something, you know, he does very well. We have my son. The school they go to, I love, and it's a public school over at Brentwood, and it's just great. And they've gone out of their way. You know, when he was in second grade, he had some issues with the teacher and whatever, and his mother's like, I want you to sue school. I go, why would I sue school? So you have enough money for private school? Like, that's how. She's very litigious, as you can tell by our 23 times in court. But I said, no. She goes, I'm gonna get an advocate, a lawyer for him. I go, we're his advocate. Slow down. Slow. I am his advocate. We are not Doing our job if there's a problem. Because right after Covid, the teachers were stressed, the staff, you know, it was a weird time in the world. And so I said, I'm gonna be down there every day or whatever it takes. The school district here. You know, people talk about the LA schools. Slam em. They're great. They did it.
- [18:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Iep, the kids went to public school in la. It was great.
- [18:58]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, they did it iep independent education program. First of all, when it first came up, it's special education. And when I first heard that my son, I'm like, no, he's not going to be. But it's a whole different thing. And I, you know, he's done so well and grown. They take him out of the class, him and a couple guys, couple hours a day, focus on something. He writes on it, he communicates on, you know, he's very good at Fortnite, so he communicates like this. And I don't think kids are going to have to do a lot of handwriting.
- [19:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
They have bad handwriting. They don't know how to write.
- [19:29]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah, they don't. And then when he gets the trophy for his handwriting, I try to do it for him. And mine is worse. Like you could. And the teacher's like, I see where he gets it. But then they're like, that's not the most important thing. With this math thing, he's very, very good at. And technology and building things. You know, he's got 3D printers and he builds all this stuff and creates stuff. When the fire started in Palisades, their school's right next to Palisades. So I went up, got them and I was supposed to leave town next day to a show in San Francisco. I need the money. Yeah, Greg, I need the money.
- [20:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Hold on on that for a second. You just pulled up in a dirty Hyundai.
- [20:09]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Low on gas.
- [20:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You're taking your kids to public school. You've already complained about how much your back doctor cost. Today I read online, Tom, I always look at my guest net worth. Your net worth is $30 million.
- [20:22]
Tom Arnold
My kids read that too. They're like, dude, what happened? Where's your. Where's the Lambo? That's what my son always said. I go, I could have a Lambo, but eight years ago I got you guys. And court is very expensive. I'm very happy with our life. We have a much smaller.
- [20:38]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Because you grew up on a farm in Iowa, you kind of live a life. It's not. It would not be like you to be the private school Lambo guy, right? You could be that guy. You have the money to be that guy?
- [20:50]
Tom Arnold
I may have at one time. Lambos are not, you know, if you have kids, they don't work. You gotta put kids in the back. And I don't like the way they are.
- [20:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [20:59]
Tom Arnold
I had a Bentley turbo for a while. That was a great freaking car. It's a big car, you know, very fast, has all that stuff.
- [21:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Did you get a lot of pussy in that car?
- [21:08]
Tom Arnold
I've never got a lot of pussy anywhere. I think I was married when I had that car.
- [21:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
How many years have you been single? Because you seem like you've mostly been married in your life.
- [21:15]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, eight years. I haven't had a date in eight years.
- [21:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wait, you're single now?
- [21:19]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, single for you.
- [21:20]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You haven't had a date in eight years? Get out of here. What about that, that app? No, there's one that's for famous people.
- [21:29]
Tom Arnold
No, Raya, my buddy, My buddy started that. Yeah, he did. They're rich guys. And then there's women that want to be women with rich guys. But to do an app. And my assistant put me on bumble to meet. Let's see what it's like, cuz Sharon Stone's on it. Yeah, it's a friend of ours, Sharon Stone got kicked off bubble because they didn't think it was Sharon Stone. And she actually went on dates with dudes and it was bananas. Like, she's very brave that way.
- [21:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Boy, she talk about hitting a lotto.
- [21:53]
Tom Arnold
No shit. Wow. No shit. Well, it's funny because one guy, she had a date. She does this thing in case you ever have a date with her and she looks out of their dinner. You have a secret, she says. And every man's like, oh no, she knows what is your secret? And the guy goes, well, I was in prison because I'm a. I've stole first edition books all over the world. Like what do you call Biblios something. There's a turf holder. And she goes, but I'm much better. Everything's good now. She goes, I appreciate you sharing that with me. At the end of the dinner, he said, I have a gift for you. And had her box. And it was a first edition book. And he's like, but I did steal this one. Like, it's so crazy. It's so great.
- [22:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But what a great opener.
- [22:34]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [22:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You have a secret?
- [22:36]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, no, too many. Everybody gets it. And everybody gets very nervous. Like, what's your secret? She's read my. Oh man.
- [22:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Say we're on a First date, we're sitting at Rao's, and I like Rao's. Yeah.
- [22:50]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Well. And I have to say this about dating, you know, I have this whole life.
- [22:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Don't change the topic. I'm asking you your secret.
- [22:57]
Tom Arnold
Oh, God. I don't have as many secrets.
- [23:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, you kind of let all your secrets out.
- [23:03]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, I got to before somebody else does.
- [23:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Molested.
- [23:07]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Let's be honest. It was raped. Yeah, very. About that alcoholic, addict. You know, all the Roseanne stuff came out. Four ex wives. You know, you can have three ex wives and still kind of go, women. Yeah. But if you have four, four. You go, holy shit, it's me and it is me. That's why I haven't had a date. I make bad decisions.
- [23:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I to learn that.
- [23:30]
Tom Arnold
I think it does. But I got my kids because that was my goal. Yeah. You know, there's a. I don't know if, you know, there's a documentary series about my little sister called the Queen of Meth.
- [23:41]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, she sold meth back in Iowa.
- [23:43]
Tom Arnold
She was the biggest drug dealer in America. Yeah.
- [23:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you're producing this?
- [23:46]
Tom Arnold
Well, no, I peered. I did a thing and worked with the producer.
- [23:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [23:50]
Tom Arnold
But it's pretty damn good. It's a little. Three episodes out now. Yeah, it's out of Discovery. People like her. They don't necessarily like me, but it goes into our childhood a lot. And people are like, was it embarrassing having your sister be a drug dealer? And I'm like, now when I was doing drugs, I want to embarrass it. Fucking Andy.
- [24:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Like, wait, but I thought that you had a falling out with your siblings over the years.
- [24:10]
Tom Arnold
Oh, well, I have with some. I'm the oldest of seven.
- [24:13]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [24:13]
Tom Arnold
You know, stuff happens. You know, that's what's good about having six siblings.
- [24:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Have you reconciled some of them? Yeah.
- [24:22]
Tom Arnold
No. You know, there's some that have just been chill. You know, they're always, you know, 100%.
- [24:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
How many black sheeps out of seven?
- [24:29]
Tom Arnold
I'm the black sheep.
- [24:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You're the black sheep.
- [24:31]
Tom Arnold
Even though my sister went to prison twice for drug dealing, I absolutely am. And I tell you, my dad, single dad, when I was 10, he married the next door neighbor. He asked us, can I please marry her? And she was not a fan of mine.
- [24:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [24:44]
Tom Arnold
You know, she was like, how do I get this guy out of here? And it was a year later, I was living with my grandparents. And I go in. My grandparents were very. I'm very lucky to have two sets of grandparents. But we're sitting there at dinner. And all of a sudden my grandma buries her head in her hands and starts weeping. And my grandma's like, what's going. Dottie, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? I had a black eye. I didn't even think about it, but she couldn't take it. Then I had a black eye for a fight at school. And I'm like, I can't live here because there's going to be a lot of weeping, you know. So you figure out stuff and you know what's great about my stepmother. I've tried to make the relationship work. And when you have kids, she's a grandmother. So I dealt with whatever our stuff was, you know, in my mind. And she's super nice to my kids. I'm gonna, that's gonna be what happens. Then she died. And they got the. My one brother's like, the will. Not how I would have wrote it, but of all the stuff I gave her, I wasn't. She gave me like a something and gave other kids the other kids.
- [25:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Because you had so much money. And they did.
- [25:52]
Tom Arnold
But she gave the watches I gave my dad, who passed away right before, to my brother.
- [25:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [25:58]
Tom Arnold
And I'm like, I should have one of those watches. They caused friction with my brother. That's. No, that's the deal. They're handed down. When I die, I'll give them to your kids. I'm like, what are you talking about? When you die right now. I bought that for dad.
- [26:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [26:12]
Tom Arnold
I want to have one. I have a son named after dad. And that, that's become a real thing. But it's. What's great about is I was right about him.
- [26:20]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know what time it is?
- [26:21]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [26:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Time to give my son that fucking watch.
- [26:24]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Yeah.
- [26:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Write that down.
- [26:26]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Well, I, I also, it. It validates everything I thought about my childhood. Like there's no gray area now. It actually makes it better.
- [26:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [26:36]
Tom Arnold
Because it's okay. That's who she was. Like, she specifically.
- [26:40]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Here's what I love about you, and there's many things I love about you is that you've been on a journey for as long as I know you've always tried to sort of unravel who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you make the decisions you've made. And it's. No, I feel like there's no less of a drive for that now at this age than there ever was. What do you think caused you to want to self actualize so much over the. This time?
- [27:04]
Tom Arnold
Well, I think that, you know, I obviously wanted to be better. It's a great way to connect with people. If you do that, if you're honest about yourself, you're able to be of service to people and people will share their stuff with you, which is a huge honor. I don't know. I always had to think, like, there's stuff that happened to me, that I'm going to be the one who talks about it. Yeah, yeah. If there's jokes to be made at my expense, I'm going to do the jokes, but I'm going to be ahead of each one of these things, you know? Yeah.
- [27:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I remember when they roasted you, it was like, well, you can't really roast Tom Arnold because he's already roasting himself.
- [27:37]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought, I'm going to be ahead of this. And I also have thick skin. A sense of humor. When people do roast you or do jokes about you on TV or like, there's a Simpsons episode that my kids love, it's about these celebrities. So they are shot to the sun, and it's me and like, whatever. And people are like, were you mad about that? I go, no, that's my voice. Like, that was one of the biggest honors. I go, everybody did. All the. All the stars. No, I was the only one. The other people, they made. But it's. But it's great. It's an honor, you know, but do you think.
- [28:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't want to break your anonymity, but, like, you know, you're in the program.
- [28:13]
Tom Arnold
I am in the program.
- [28:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And is that something that has kept you sort of like continuing to unearth things?
- [28:21]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, well, for the last 36 years, I think there was a meeting that I started in my house in 1990 that's still going on and haven't left yet. Haven't left. Well, we moved at one point because I was doing construction to. To a high rise in Santa Monica. It's this beautiful high rise that divorced people live in. And I was. I think I was going through a divorce. And it was co ed at the time, and there's some famous dudes in my meeting. And all these young women were like, coming because they want to get sober. The guy's like, you need to make it a stag meeting. I go, so you want me to tell the women they can't come? I can't do that.
- [28:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [28:59]
Tom Arnold
Because it's always been that, well, they said, we'll do. Move to this other guy's house. Yeah. And we'll start over. So. But the best thing I've never not hung around 12 step people, the group, you know, I find that to be. Yeah, that saved my life. Even when I've been out of the program, I still went to meetings when I was on the pain pills because I thought I was sober, you know, And I'm grateful I never got away from that because when I realized pain pills for years.
- [29:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right?
- [29:27]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. I was 19 years sober. I wrecked my motorcycle at PCH, broke my back. And I'm laying there and I'd always told the young guys I sponsored who were heroin and opioid guys, guys, that's not my thing. I don't get that. I'm alcohol, cocaine, that's all. So the ambulance comes, the guy gets out, says, are you in pain? I go, yes. And he said, not anymore. It gave me a shot of fentanyl and my brain went, oh, that's what I've did my whole life. Forget that other stuff. So a year later, I'm about to take a 20 year cake. He called for your birthday. And I'm sitting there, I'm like, I am not sober. I'm on the pain medication from a year ago.
- [30:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [30:02]
Tom Arnold
I'm gonna need to buy this delicious cake. But that I have to start over.
- [30:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [30:05]
Tom Arnold
And it's so public. What's that?
- [30:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was just really one year that.
- [30:10]
Tom Arnold
You were on the one hard year. Yeah.
- [30:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
- [30:12]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah.
- [30:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, I remember you struggled with that.
- [30:14]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. But also, did you make a fool.
- [30:16]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Of yourself at all, like the TMZ or anything? Like, say tom's on drugs?
- [30:20]
Tom Arnold
Well, no, but the first time when I, when I 89, it was a big deal with cocaine and booze. But I never did drugs in front of anybody.
- [30:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [30:29]
Tom Arnold
You know, from the 80s. I moved out to Los Angeles January of 88 to write the Roseanne show. And Roseanne and I had been friends for many years. I met her when I was 23, just out of the beat pack of Latin Iowa. And she was like a feminist. And she's a little older, seven years. And she was a very funny comedian. She wasn't famous yet, but the guy that booked the comedy gallery in Minneapolis said, I saw a woman in Denver. You guys are going to do next weekend together. You're going to hit it off. And he's right. We did hit it off. We had fun. And I started writing jokes, which was such a for her to see. A joke you wrote for someone on Johnny Carson. We're sitting back there.
- [31:09]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Do you remember the joke?
- [31:11]
Tom Arnold
I'm sure it was a fat joke. But at one point after we got married, she's like, ease up on the fat jokes.
- [31:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Some jokes for me. And you give her two pages of fat.
- [31:20]
Tom Arnold
Thanks a lot. Yeah. But once you once became a couple, she's like, can you ease up on that? I go, they're the funniest stuff, though. But it was good. So she cut back every three months, and we tour together, party very hard, and then she'd go back. I came out to play her husband on our hbo special the year before the roseanne show and stuff like. So when I moved out there officially because I had a good job right. The show, she came in my office one day and goes, do you do this every day? I go, yeah, Booze and drugs, yeah. She goes, that's bad. I go, is it? She goes, I thought you only did it when we got together every three months. I go, no, no. It's an everyday thing.
- [31:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Possible during the day.
- [32:01]
Tom Arnold
You have to. During the. You know, whatever. Just all. I didn't drink until night, But I. First guy I met out here was a big type drug dealer. You could buy quantity cheaper. Like, literally the first day at a bar on ventura over there, and I'm like, this is so much cheaper and better and smarter.
- [32:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's like costco.
- [32:20]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I. So she said, yeah, that's not good. So I. In that moment, I went, I'll never do drugs in front of anybody or drink in front of anybody again. I didn't think about, I'll quit. Like, that didn't occur to me until a year later when I got very big trouble. And cocaine, alcohol, it's all over. The back of the tabloids were very big. I lost my job at the roseanne show. Roseanne ended our engagement. And I was like, oh, God, guys, I got this. I'm going to take myself into rehab because I'm going to get on top of this. And the only reason I went to rehab was because I wanted to get in there. Then people say, he's good.
- [32:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [32:58]
Tom Arnold
Never. It wasn't about quitting drugs. It was about getting, you know, getting people to like me again and go.
- [33:04]
Greg Fitzsimmons
This is what, healthy way or an unhealthy way?
- [33:06]
Tom Arnold
Well, it had always been an unhealthy way before, just to show them, oh, Tom Arnold, good guy now again. But the eighth day in that rehab, my. My therapist said, have you ever considered getting sober for yourself? And I'm like, no. How would I even do that? He said, you have to love yourself. I go, how would I do? That's crazy. But I did a trick. I always tell the new guys I had a picture of myself when I was 4. And if you see the documentary, there's a lot of shit going on to me when I was 4. And I thought, I love this kid, man.
- [33:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [33:38]
Tom Arnold
And he's me. And he doesn't deserve to die. Be in prison. So I really stayed on that feeling for the next couple weeks in there. And then I called Roseanne. I go, hey, I love you. I appreciate you. I understand completely why we're not getting married. I understand why I'm not going to be writing the show anymore, but I'm going to stay in here for myself. And she went, oh, we're getting married. And I remember my brain went, shit. If I could have manipulated her that easy by just saying those words, I would have said it instead of, you know, really thinking about it.
- [34:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But that's. That stuck. That was your. That was your point. And, yeah, it happened.
- [34:15]
Tom Arnold
Yank. Since that comes up, haven't had a drink since.
- [34:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
How many years is that?
- [34:19]
Tom Arnold
89. What is it? That's 36 years. 12-10-89.
- [34:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I quit in 91.
- [34:26]
Tom Arnold
That's really good.
- [34:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I drank one night. Yeah, one night. Kevin Meaney's funeral. You must have known Kevin Meaney.
- [34:33]
Tom Arnold
Yes, of course. I mean, one of my favorite funny dude, man.
- [34:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Truly one of the funniest guys.
- [34:38]
Tom Arnold
Truly. Like, funnier than. I don't know who was funnier, because, I mean, his act.
- [34:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I literally.
- [34:44]
Tom Arnold
Big pants fan.
- [34:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yesterday. I rewatched the We Are the World on Johnny Carson. I sat. I was sitting in my backyard with my laptop, and I just do that when I want to cheer up, because it never gets tired to see somebody express joy through standup.
- [34:59]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, It.
- [35:00]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was just. It was for him, and it was in his voice. It was the way he do it.
- [35:04]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. You know, the way he presented himself. Comics loved him.
- [35:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So when he died, I was. I gave the eulogy at his funeral. And then I went. And then everybody was drinking. Yeah. It was Barry Crimmins.
- [35:15]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- [35:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So they're all drinking hard. My family was very close to him. Like, my mother was, like, really close to him. And there was so much drinking going around. I went back on my sis. I was staying at my sister's because it was in New York. And she put me in her. She has, like, a bonus room that's got a bar in it.
- [35:34]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yeah.
- [35:34]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I went over and I found a bottle of Chivas Regal, and I drank myself to sleep. And that's the Only time I've drank in 35 years.
- [35:40]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [35:41]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [35:41]
Tom Arnold
That's a good story, though. Yeah, you know, that's a good story. And you're.
- [35:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And you're okay and you never slipped once?
- [35:47]
Tom Arnold
Not a booze, no. But I had the. The pain pills, and then eight and a half years ago or so, things are not good at home. And the funny thing about the being raped as a kid, in my case, I thought when I got sober, I'm like, oh, shit, that's a real thing. I gotta find the guy.
- [36:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Oh.
- [36:07]
Tom Arnold
And so I worked with my therapist on what to say when I found him and not to kill him and go have hurt me. Bored. I've worked on the whole spiel, and my four younger brothers, they were looking for, they're pretty good at this. They call it what they say. He's in Des Moines. He's a big religious leader, which I do, and a huge successful businessman. Here's his address. And he's about to adopt his fourth son, I swear to God. So I'm like, it's go time. So I get in there, fly in there. I go to his place of business. The receptionist like, oh, my God, it's Tom Arnold. I said, I'm here to see Terry. I'll call him. No, no, don't point me to his office. You know, I start walking to his office. He gets out, she told him, starts coming down the hall towards me. I haven't seen him since I was a kid. He's a big dude, and he comes right up on me. I start my spiel. I'm here to give you back the pain and shame you caused me as a kid. And if you tried to do that to me now, you know, he came right up and stuck his finger in my chest. He goes, your memories are wrong. Which is a weird thing to say unless you've been confronted before. And for a second, I was four years old like this, and I was in the room they used to lock me in, and I could smell the laundry in his backyard. I swear to God. Then I went, I'm not four years old. I'm a full grown man. I take his hand, bend it back, and if you try to do that to me now, I'd break your fucking neck. And eyeball to eyeball with this guy. And then I'm like, start to walk out. Everybody that works for me heard it, because in Iowa, Tom Arnold's here. Jesus. And so I come out of there a ton of bricks off my shoulder. I can't believe I called Roseanne, I call my brother and a ton of bricks. Now, I tried to use law enforcement on my case, but statute of limitations at the time had run out, you know, back home in Ottoman, Iowa.
- [37:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Isn't that insane?
- [37:53]
Tom Arnold
It is.
- [37:53]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Statute of limitations on child moles when the victim is too young to have the presence to do anything about it.
- [38:00]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. When it was happening to me, I remember my dad was giving me a bath. He's like, tommy, what happened to your butt? And I go, oh, Dad. I was in the woods, which I had this woods by his house, and I slid down a branch, and it hurt me. And so he was, you know.
- [38:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Didn't you go after him with a baseball bat when you were a kid? Didn't he live, like, across the street?
- [38:21]
Tom Arnold
No, I tried to shoot him. No, he lived literally across the street. Up, up, up high.
- [38:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I tried to shoot him.
- [38:26]
Tom Arnold
And when my dad, he. My dad would pull up, you know, I'd be over there. Of course, he'd say he'd have his rifle. You know how easy it'd be for me to kill him. And, you know, my dad's my only parrot. Like, you know, and he was like. It was. I believed that. So, you know, finding him was really, really important. And so I walked from there. His business. I drove right over to the state capitol in Iowa and came busted in the governor's office. And Terry Branstad was governor at the time. He's a Republican, but he's still nice. And I came by, I go, listen, this guy again. Terry bleeps. You got to. He's about to adopt his fourth son. You need to stop that adoption. This is what's going on. He's like, whoa, whoa, Tom, Tom. You're asking me to commit a federal offense. You asking me is a federal offense. You are not here. And I, like, get out of there. And I'm sad. And then three days later, my brother calls, goes. The adoption fell through. There was some kind of paperwork. I know, I know. So then I thought, have I done everything? So then I had my brothers go up for six weeks, putting up posters of his face, his name, his crimes, his address all around, because I wanted war. The other kids in the neighborhood.
- [39:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [39:37]
Tom Arnold
And they tear them down, and brothers go back, put them all up.
- [39:40]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah.
- [39:40]
Tom Arnold
For six weeks. And. And so then I thought, well, and then at my sister's first drug trial.
- [39:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And he never tried to sue you?
- [39:47]
Tom Arnold
No, no.
- [39:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Which means he's guilty.
- [39:50]
Tom Arnold
Exactly. In fact, on Oprah, I said, I'm not going to say his name, but I'm going to call him Terry Williams and. But yo. Because it was true. And then a woman came up at my sister's drug title and said, I know it's true about Terry Wade's because he did it to my husband, who's his brother.
- [40:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wait, who said that?
- [40:06]
Tom Arnold
A woman that was married to Terry Wade's brother, to Dennis. And she came up and said, it happened. 30 boys came forward after that. It's such a huge success I've done myself, because my whole thing was, I don't want to be at Walmart back in my hometown and have a guy walking behind me. It's like, see the famous guy? I fucked him. You know, I'm like, I'm gonna get on top of this thing. So that in my mind, that was it.
- [40:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [40:29]
Tom Arnold
But when my son was born, you know, as he got closer to four, I'm looking at him because I think you always think if you. Something like that happens to you, you think, maybe I was a bad kid, Maybe I was ugly. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I mean, it's hard to. It's not true, but it's hard. And then when I saw my son get to be the same age, I'm like, oh, shit. No, I was. That. I was perfect like him.
- [40:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Did you refine yourself being paranoid or overprotective about your son's safety?
- [40:58]
Tom Arnold
I don't. You know, I keep a tight eye on. You know, I have. We have a lot of sleepovers at my house. Yeah. My son is very big kid.
- [41:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [41:09]
Tom Arnold
But, you know, we. We talk there. There's an awareness about drugs, alcohol, that. And I think society is. Is.
- [41:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, it's great now because now they, you know, it's started in preschool. They talked about your bathing suit areas. They would tell the kids, which, you know, we didn't have that as kids. Nobody told us that something could happen to us, and we had the right to say no.
- [41:33]
Tom Arnold
Right.
- [41:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And now little kids are taught that there's boundaries and that they can tell their parents, they can tell their teachers.
- [41:38]
Tom Arnold
Don'T touch my body.
- [41:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [41:40]
Tom Arnold
You know, they do. And I think that's a good. You know, the truth is, in the world, man, there's only so much unless you keep locked up in the house. But.
- [41:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, well, let's change topics.
- [41:51]
Tom Arnold
All right. But they know if they could. They call me if you know.
- [41:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, so tell me about this autism that you have now.
- [41:58]
Tom Arnold
Well, it's Asperger's. Okay.
- [41:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, is it. What's the difference?
- [42:01]
Tom Arnold
Well, it's a, it's.
- [42:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Is Asperger's a type of autism?
- [42:04]
Tom Arnold
Asperger's. I guess some people consider it Asperger's is similar. Asperger's. The name Asperger's is named after a Nazi. The doctor that discovered it at one of these places where they have all these kids to do experiments. I swear to God.
- [42:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [42:18]
Tom Arnold
And he's like, we discovered this, this syndrome. I, you know. Yeah.
- [42:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Because the Nazis did get hyper focused, didn't they?
- [42:25]
Tom Arnold
They really did.
- [42:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [42:26]
Tom Arnold
They're meticulous, these guys.
- [42:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Is it hard to be Jewish and be Nazi condition?
- [42:35]
Tom Arnold
It's fun to know the whole story.
- [42:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [42:37]
Tom Arnold
You know, and so. But it's a, you know, you're on a spectrum. You are able to hyper focus on things, but you have to. I do a lot of work because I have kids. I don't come into the house and they'll say, daddy, will you shoot baskets with me? I don't say five minutes because I learned there's no five minutes.
- [42:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [42:55]
Tom Arnold
They, they put me on a. That and the first time, when my daughter was two, I'd come home from doing a. Hosting a show for musicares. A big concert over there at the Henry Fonda theater with Billy Idol. A whole bunch of people I loved. You know, they have such great, they're such a great organization. I was feeling good about myself. Came home, sent the babysitter home. It's late at night. I go in my office, get on the computer to start looking at sports or looking at whatever. And I was, I always would drift off. It'd be five hours. Yeah, like that.
- [43:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [43:24]
Tom Arnold
And doing it. And all of a sudden I feel there's somebody standing next to me and it's my daughter who's not even two and like, oh my God. How'd you get down here, honey? Because her bed is atop of stairs and I got a gate. Like it's complicated to get down there. And I said, you gotta go to bed, honey. Oh, please, please go back to bed. I'll be up there in five minutes. And then I went back to this. And then I realized she's still there. And I look at her and I realized she knows every lie I've ever told. Like she knew I was lying, just that I didn't know I was lying. So I went up with her then. And I don't do the five minute thing. I say, I need 12 minutes to make call. They put me on a timer. They. When they come up, I go, what do you do in your homework. Oh, 20 minutes. Okay, 20 minutes.
- [44:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [44:05]
Tom Arnold
You know, so it's. It's easy to. There are tools that you do, so you're able to focus. You'll be able to make eye contact, you know, because you have to be. Have this intimate relationship with your kids. Right. And you can be easily distracted by other stuff, but you also can hyper focus on stuff.
- [44:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And, well, part of it, too, is now your kids are getting to the age where they can start to understand this condition so that they can sort of like adjust their expectations of what you can and can't do and not take it personally.
- [44:36]
Tom Arnold
Right.
- [44:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Is that a discussion you have with them also?
- [44:38]
Tom Arnold
I do, but I need to be accountable, you know, and that is also with the stuff with the court stuff all the time with their mom or the police stuff, you know, she swatted us. She's, you know.
- [44:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
- [44:50]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yes. She has a pattern. She called, said, I want to take the kids to their first day of school. I go, well, it's my. I'm going to take it, but all the parents are welcome. That night, kids are asleep. She calls the cops. His name's Tom Arnold. He's very violent. He has a lot of guns. I'm worried about my kids. And the cops come in hot, you know, And I beat him outside. I go, slow down, number one. Call your supervisor, because you've been here a lot. Their supervisor actually gave me a card. And she goes, even if you think she's going to call the cops and call us. Yeah, because we can't come out of anymore. So I said, I'm not waking the kids up, guys. They're fine. It's a school night and I don't have any guns.
- [45:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I thought you were a gun guy.
- [45:29]
Tom Arnold
Well, that's why I told them.
- [45:31]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [45:31]
Tom Arnold
And then I had to wake up the kids and say, we gotta hide the guns for real. Like, what good does that do if you got your squirrel rifle in the garage under a bunch of shit? If someone comes to the house with a gun, you're. What do you do? Hey, excuse me. Give me a minute. Let's make this a fair fight. I'm gonna go out to the garage.
- [45:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So what's the combination?
- [45:50]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, so, yeah, I mean, but that kind of stress. And each time. We just finished a trial Friday, it went very well for me. And people are like, you always win. I go, yeah, but do I. Because I always have to pay for the lawyer. I always. And it's stressful. It's stressful. So.
- [46:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But I don't want to kids. They must feel the energy of it happening too. You know, they do pick up on it.
- [46:13]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. And I do my best to, like, the school knows, too. Oh, is this a day is the mom. And they give a little bit of grace if they go to school. A lot of times they won't go.
- [46:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [46:23]
Tom Arnold
Till I get back. They want to see me come back from court, but I do my best to, you know, keep that separate Again, they've seen all this. They've seen the cops, they've came the cops with the mom and stuff and taking her out and. And the only thing I do. Because they love their mom, they love their dad. It's in their DNA, as they should. But the only thing I do is go, okay, after it's over. What just happened wasn't okay. I don't treat people like that. I don't want you to treat people like that. And then we move on. Because you do feel. I know, for my crazy mother, you feel some shame. Like, what the. You know, but you have to acknowledge it.
- [47:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [47:02]
Tom Arnold
Because my dad never acknowledged it in front of, like, I knew her mom was crazy. When I was 4, she moved out. She said, I'm not maternal. I'll never tell you I love you. I'll tap you on the knee once in a while and. But the first drugs and booze my sister and I ever did we got from our mom. Right. So. But my dad would never. She'd come over drunk, fall into the Christmas tree, and my dad would just laugh. I knew better. But my sister looked at her like, that's my idol. That's why. Oh, she's. She's the coolest. And so my sister moved in with her when she was 14, and as the documentary shows, it went downhill fast. So very lucky. Very lucky.
- [47:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, here's. I also want to ask you about. You did an ad a long time ago. You've done a bunch.
- [47:45]
Tom Arnold
It's good to see you, Greg. It's very good.
- [47:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Yeah.
- [47:49]
Tom Arnold
This is like adult social thing, right? Me and you, old friends, get together.
- [47:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [47:55]
Tom Arnold
You know, it's not a play date. And by the way, my next. When I do have a date, it's going to have to be start with a play date. Kids, the kids, our kids are playing together. And in my mind, my dream is a woman goes to me, goes. You want to go in the closet and. Yes, I do. Oh, God. Let's go there for five minutes. Yes.
- [48:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Remember that when you were a teenager?
- [48:15]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yeah.
- [48:16]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Seven minutes in heaven.
- [48:17]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [48:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And sometimes you go in there with a girl and you just sit because she didn't want anything to do with you. So you'd have to just.
- [48:23]
Tom Arnold
Right.
- [48:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And. But you come out and pull up your fly anyway.
- [48:26]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [48:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Just.
- [48:27]
Tom Arnold
And you tell stories. Yeah.
- [48:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But you did an ad many years ago for the Craftmatic adjustable bed. Do you remember that?
- [48:35]
Tom Arnold
I have them. Part of that.
- [48:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I want to talk about the craft.
- [48:38]
Tom Arnold
Oh, gosh.
- [48:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
My friends just got one and they. And I come over and they're like, all right, look. Look at it. It's got two halves. And so you've each got a remote control, so you each get to decide what angle the head is at, what angle the feet is at. You can set the temperature for your side of the bed.
- [48:53]
Tom Arnold
And I good. Vibrating things at different areas, different for each side.
- [48:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I just thought, why not just get a divorce?
- [49:00]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Well, here's the thing. First of all, I just have to say, you have an amazing wife. Do you still have her?
- [49:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I do.
- [49:08]
Tom Arnold
Everything I know about her is so good. So when I look at you, I'm like, yeah, he's got that going. That's a solid thing. So whatever decisions or worries, concerns you have about your kids that, you know, you got this partner, you know, and I don't think you'd be too soft on the kids. I want to say that.
- [49:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [49:25]
Tom Arnold
You know, that that's what you're worried about is like, I think I'm loving my kids too much. And they're going to be. So that's. That's not. Whatever you're doing is.
- [49:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think in the long run, it's building self esteem, which is probably the most important thing. Absolutely right.
- [49:38]
Tom Arnold
Absolutely. So. And plus, people don't have careers like we. Oh, you have to go to college after this, though, that now with their. Their. They'll go to five colleges or none.
- [49:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And also they're going into a world where college educations don't mean shit.
- [49:52]
Tom Arnold
Right.
- [49:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Because AI is replacing the jobs.
- [49:55]
Tom Arnold
Yes.
- [49:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And how many people do you know that actually followed the career that they majored in in college? Like 1 out of 7 actually follow up on that. A lot of kids went to art school and they go into accounting. Like, it's just. It's whatever. So my.
- [50:10]
Tom Arnold
Or they follow it for a bit even. They get their legal degree.
- [50:13]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [50:13]
Tom Arnold
Their lawyer for five years. Like, I can't take it.
- [50:16]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's right.
- [50:16]
Tom Arnold
Want to be an agent or something.
- [50:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So I'd much rather see my kids. Like, my daughter worked here at the podcast studio for a while.
- [50:22]
Tom Arnold
That's Very cool.
- [50:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She learned some skills. She teaches little kids how to swim.
- [50:26]
Tom Arnold
Now, that's very. That's very important.
- [50:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She. She used to teach preschool.
- [50:30]
Tom Arnold
So, you know, she's a. She's a saint, you know.
- [50:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [50:33]
Tom Arnold
My daughter was just. I directed my first movie. She's like, I think I should be in a movie, Dad. I go, okay, why don't you and Millie, you could be extras. You be the flower girls. And it's like, okay. Then she came up next day. I don't think Millie should. I should do my first movie by itself. Really? Yeah. And she read the script, and she really loved it.
- [50:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Did she have notes on it?
- [50:54]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, she did give me a couple good ideas. She goes, at the end of this movie, you should have, like, a short film or something that they put in the middle, like all the Avengers stuff. Like, you think the movie's over. They start the credits. We did that True Lies too, with me. She goes, I think that would make it better, you know. But then she said, I want to go to work with you again tomorrow. And I said, honey, first of all, I'm directing, so I gotta be at the monitors.
- [51:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [51:17]
Tom Arnold
I said. And she was fine. She hung out with makeup and hair, and all of a sudden, I see a golf cart coming. It's her driving back up to the set to find me.
- [51:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, not driving herself.
- [51:27]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah.
- [51:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
- [51:28]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [51:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I love it.
- [51:30]
Tom Arnold
She figured out how to do that. And so we were filming at the motion picture television home up there at Calabasas. This beautiful campus where we hope to be.
- [51:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's where you retire.
- [51:40]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of great actors. But she's like, I wanna come tomorrow. I'll go, honey, there's no extras. While she goes, well, I'll put a hoodie on and I'll walk in the back. Like, she's. I get out there and I decide, well, we're shooting a seat in a theater. She could be. Her and her friend could be in the background. And we did that. And then I had to get. They started freaking out. There has to be a teacher on set.
- [52:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [52:01]
Tom Arnold
Like, first I had to get her a permit.
- [52:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right?
- [52:03]
Tom Arnold
There has to be a teacher if she's there, because they have to. Four hours of school. So I had to scramble and get a teacher out there. But I'm glad I did.
- [52:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Damn.
- [52:13]
Tom Arnold
So when you shot anyway, your daughter's great.
- [52:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She's great. I love her.
- [52:17]
Tom Arnold
Does she babysit her childcare at all?
- [52:19]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She. She babysits, yeah.
- [52:21]
Tom Arnold
Really?
- [52:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Why you need a babysitter?
- [52:23]
Tom Arnold
I need. I. Oh, you always need somebody. Because the babysitter we have now is getting her master's in social work. She's gonna, you know, move on. Yeah, babysitter.
- [52:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, Hit me up. She can always. She can always cover a shift. I mean, you're not close to us, so it probably wouldn't be a regular thing, but if you're ever in a pinch, she'll come. But tell me about this. Did you shoot when you shot at this, The Actors Retirement Home. What's it called?
- [52:48]
Tom Arnold
The Motion Picture and Television. Was the Motion Picture Television Fund. They had the night before the Oscars party The night before. The heavy part is the biggest charity. It was started by Samuel Goldman. His stuff's every place in this for. A place to.
- [53:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
For actors and apartments that they can live in.
- [53:06]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, it's got a huge medical facility, huge gym.
- [53:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What are we doing? Why are we not writing a script about that place?
- [53:13]
Tom Arnold
I know. So hired actors and. And like, There's a cinematographer, 95 years old. They'll come up and go, how are you shooting this? I go, I just asked four or five. He goes, it needs to be a six. You got to. Whatever that means about the lens. But to talk to these people. We had some in the movie and, you know, some of them have memory issues.
- [53:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [53:34]
Tom Arnold
But when they get started on something. But I love them. I love.
- [53:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I play golf, which I'm sure you don't do because you're a little too hyper for that. But I went out to this course in the Valley and Simi Valley, and if you show up, there was. There was two of us that showed up. So what they do is they pair you with two other strangers, so you have a foursome. So I show up and they're calling our tea time. We're supposed to be on the tee and there's a guy on the microphone going like, 10 o' clock tee time. Fitzsimmons, get on the tee. You're late. So we go to the late. Me and my friend are a couple minutes late, and there's this old tough guy with the fucking knuckles that look like he's hit a lot of guys in his life, and he's got this leathery skin and he goes, why don't you get to the tee on time? On time. Next. And we're like, hey, we're really sorry. And he was kind of gruff with us for a couple holes. And then he started to lighten up because we made some jokes and we started a bond and. And it turns out this guy this guy's name was Buddy Van Horn. He was Clint Eastwood's stuntman for 40 years. He did all of his stunts for 40 years. And this guy started regaling us with these great stories about Clint Eastwood. And I just picture. What about a place where you got a dozen of those guys on a TV show telling stories.
- [54:47]
Tom Arnold
They do have a TV show that they broadcast within the. They have a great facility.
- [54:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
They film it themselves.
- [54:53]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [54:53]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, that's amazing.
- [54:54]
Tom Arnold
This woman that helped us, I'll give you her information. She's in charge. And they film it themselves. It goes to the community, I think also to public access.
- [55:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, wow.
- [55:03]
Tom Arnold
But they have an improv class at 3:30 in the afternoon. The sparkle ads, they have an a. They have a meetings, you know, but it is. There is something great there.
- [55:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Health facility, like.
- [55:13]
Tom Arnold
Oh, unbelievable.
- [55:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [55:15]
Tom Arnold
Hybez donated this facility. Like they have hospice, end of life care. They have great. The gym and the stuff. Those facilities are amazing. Health. They're on it.
- [55:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So how do you qualify to get in there?
- [55:30]
Tom Arnold
That's a good question. You have to have worked in our business, right? You have, you know, some kind of.
- [55:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Financial hardship or something.
- [55:37]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah. A need. You don't have a place to live, but I think you're very smart about that. Okay, we'll do a show about that.
- [55:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Let's do it, man.
- [55:45]
Tom Arnold
But you know, you said golf. I haven't played it in 20 years. Yeah, but because 20 years ago I won the Michael Douglas golf tournament in Vegas.
- [55:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Did you really?
- [55:53]
Tom Arnold
He came on my sports show and asked me live on the air if I would play. I don't play. I don't. I'm a terrible golfer. And I said, okay. Now he asked me because I'm a terrible golfer. And he put me on Kenny G's team. Kenny G, Joe Pesci, Heather Locklear, me. And he changed the rules. Cause Kenny G won so many times that you had to take one drive from each. You know, used to be best ball where one guy's doing.
- [56:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, one guy.
- [56:18]
Tom Arnold
And so I, I play it. I get to the 17th, I make it kind of a Happy Gilmore drive. It works out. And we won. Yeah. And I got the trophy. And that's. I said, that's it. I'm never playing again.
- [56:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [56:29]
Tom Arnold
And when we were out at the motion picture home at the. They have a putty green up. We're filming on. They go, look at that wall over there. All the people that have won. Those are. You should go look top. I bet, you know, some of them. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll do that later. But at the end, I walked over, it says, Tom Arnold, Michael Douglas thing. I'm like, that's it.
- [56:49]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's awesome.
- [56:49]
Tom Arnold
That's my time.
- [56:50]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I. I played golf with Pesci one time at Lakeside. And so they tell me, you're gonna play with John. It was one of these celebrity tournaments.
- [56:58]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [56:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And they, you know, they. A lot of the celebrities canceled, so they called me. And so they go, you're gonna play with. With Joe Pesci. I'm on the first tee, and I'm nervous playing with a couple friends and him. And then he doesn't show up. And so, like, I get to the. I get to, like, the third hole, and I've got a chip from right off the green, and I look up in the corner of my eye, and there's Joe Pesci standing. He's waiting to join us. He got here late.
- [57:19]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [57:20]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So I get so nervous that I just skull the putt right over the green. It's the Sandra. And he just walks past me and he goes, the fuck kind of shot was that?
- [57:29]
Tom Arnold
No, he. He's on it. Like, he was on me. Like, what the fuck is. You know? And the best thing about that tournament, Sly, on the other team, made a, like, a 40 foot putt. Yeah. Sylvester Lope made like, a 40 foot putt dot and they thought they won it because we were off the green and it was Heather Locklear's shot. And this is on tv, so, you know, it's real. She chipped in this fucking crazy shot, and we won it because of her.
- [57:57]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wow.
- [57:57]
Tom Arnold
Like, it was crazy. Cause Sly's like, we got this.
- [57:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's amazing.
- [58:00]
Tom Arnold
You know, and so what about the poker?
- [58:02]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You ever playing the celebrity poker stuff?
- [58:04]
Tom Arnold
I do sometimes. I don't like poker. I don't like to do it. Arnold has a thing for after school All Stars. The thing we do for after school programs raised $1.6 billion over the years. They said, you don't want to raise money if you open up your house. Arnold had a poker thing. $50,000 a person. You have an auction, and, you know, we made $7 million last time. But I go in because I have to play because I'm part of the. And I lose as fast as I can because the first loser gets a prize. Whoever loses.
- [58:34]
Greg Fitzsimmons
First player, right?
- [58:35]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, but I don't. You know, Norby Walters used to have these games where eight guys, one one woman, seven guys. And it'd be like the dad from Wonder Years and Hal Linden and George Siegel and Elliot Gould. Like every. You look around like, I know everybody here. And it was not big money, but they took it pretty seriously.
- [58:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know what woman is really good so celebrity is Mimi Rogers.
- [58:58]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yeah. No, she played a lot.
- [58:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, she's really.
- [58:59]
Tom Arnold
She was very good and sexy. There's always something about her because, you know, you talk, we talk when you're not playing and have, you know, chit chat. I was like, she is, man. She's got it going on.
- [59:11]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You gotta think for older women, right?
- [59:12]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Well, it's not older compared to me. Jane.
- [59:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Jane Fonda. Yeah. Jane Fonda's in her 90s.
- [59:17]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [59:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
If you had a shot, would you take it?
- [59:19]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, I might. But, you know, I want to keep our friendship going. And she's very. I'm afraid if I laid on, you.
- [59:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Know, you're not good. She's brittle when you're like, I couldn't have sex with her. It would ruin our relationship.
- [59:30]
Tom Arnold
No, she wanted to. I'd beat her.
- [59:31]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, she wanted to.
- [59:32]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. If she said, hey, let's do it, I go, I got it. That'd be exciting, being honored. Oh, if she said, yeah, if she wanted. You know, there are certain women, but people do tell me, you should date someone your own age. Stop. And I always say, have you seen people my age? But there are. I'm gonna say there are a lot of. It's surprising, a lot of funny, smart, sexy, 60 something women.
- [59:54]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Tell you something, a vagina feels amazing. It doesn't matter the age of the vagina. You're not. It's not like a wine. It's a soft, slippery experience for your penis.
- [60:06]
Tom Arnold
Well, I'll tell you. But I'll tell you what. Women my age, you're not looking for a guy that used to have a lot of money and now has two little kids because they're like, yeah, that doesn't work in my thing. But I agree with that about the vaginas. Some are dry. You got to bring your own lube. Astro Glide. You lube them up before. I've done that with people.
- [60:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You don't want to over lube though, because then you don't feel anything. Yeah, get just. Just the crown.
- [60:28]
Tom Arnold
Do you lube when you jerk off?
- [60:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
A little bit.
- [60:31]
Tom Arnold
Little bit is Astroglide or the other.
- [60:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, I use Burt's Bees. Oh, you do lotion? Yeah.
- [60:37]
Tom Arnold
Does your wife make you do that? Because it's healthy. If you got to jerk off, Burt's Bees is super healthy.
- [60:42]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Supervising my jerking off, probably.
- [60:44]
Tom Arnold
You don't even know it. She's probably grateful. You know, it's like, I'm glad you're doing that.
- [60:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Have you ever jerked off in bed with a woman who's sleeping?
- [60:51]
Tom Arnold
I'm sure I have. I'm sure I've done that.
- [60:53]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [60:53]
Tom Arnold
Many times now. When you live with two kids. By the way, we talked about the craftmatic beds. Yeah, I have that setup. The two beds side by side, different remote controls. And my thing was the kids come into my bed a lot. They'll have their own bed and I'll have this side. But that's not how it works. You know, I'm always trying to squeeze in the middle.
- [61:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [61:12]
Tom Arnold
But those beds are really good. I recommend him highly.
- [61:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. I. I got this mattress recently, and it's memory foam.
- [61:21]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. That's good, right?
- [61:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But I think it was a mistake because the other day my wife hit on me and I wasn't in the mood.
- [61:27]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [61:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And. And. And I said, I'm just not in the mood. And then the mattress said out loud, I remember him jerking off two hours.
- [61:35]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Yeah.
- [61:36]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And I said, I need some forgetful.
- [61:38]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Hey, let's. If it were a true story, how would your wife hit on you? What does she do?
- [61:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
To make My wife, I gotta be honest, does not hit on me very much. It's almost always.
- [61:48]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. And how do you hit on her?
- [61:51]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I. I'll dry hop her while she's doing the dishes. Oh, I like laying the bed naked under the covers.
- [61:58]
Tom Arnold
I like that.
- [61:58]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And tell her I have to show her something.
- [62:00]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. And you keep your. Your, you know, not hard, but like half a boater, half a show penis.
- [62:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You want to show interest.
- [62:07]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. You got to fluff yourself.
- [62:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. You got to give it a little.
- [62:09]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [62:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then. And then she. And then there's usually like. Here's what's crazy, is, like, the move I make a lot of times is because when you're married. Too long. Yeah, I've too long. When you're married for over four years.
- [62:23]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Yeah.
- [62:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Then the sex starts to be something that it's harder to make a spontaneous move.
- [62:29]
Tom Arnold
Right.
- [62:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Because it just involves taking all your clothes off. Is almost too much of a hurdle.
- [62:34]
Tom Arnold
Right.
- [62:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
So I try to catch her when she's coming out of the shower.
- [62:37]
Tom Arnold
Oh, that's good.
- [62:38]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know, like, I'll be in the room and I'll be folding a shirt. I'll just keep refolding.
- [62:41]
Tom Arnold
Did she ever say, don't, I'm clean.
- [62:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's What? She says, yeah. And it's like, you can only fuck me when I'm filthy.
- [62:49]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, but. But you would fuck her when she's filthy, before she takes a shower, like you don't care. Yeah, yeah. Like a little musk. Yeah, yeah.
- [62:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Meanwhile, when we were dating and I hit on it, she'd be like, let me jump in the shower and freshen up. Now it's like, no, not only now. When I smell like that French table tennis player. Did you read about that?
- [63:07]
Tom Arnold
No.
- [63:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
In the French Open, there's this woman, and she's actually in the semifinals right now. She just won this morning against an American woman. And her last match, the. Her. Her opponent went up to the. The line judge and said, can you make her put on deodorant because she smells so bad.
- [63:24]
Tom Arnold
Oh, my God. She's European, right?
- [63:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She's French.
- [63:26]
Tom Arnold
French, yeah. They smell bad. You ever travel over there at a plane? A bunch of them.
- [63:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, how about ll. How about the.
- [63:32]
Tom Arnold
That's very true. Awful. Awful. Yeah. So they said, funny that now I'm.
- [63:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Going to be called anti Semitic. Meanwhile, it's okay, I'm a French.
- [63:40]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. I'm Jewish. It's. It's Europeans in general. And the farther East Europe you get, the stickier they are. And they don't.
- [63:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That was always the thing about New York City cab drivers. It was brutal. And then you get the Pakistani guys in there.
- [63:54]
Tom Arnold
Oh, but they use a clone now that's. You know, I see a lot of Uber drivers. There's a clone that they all use. Like, the whole car smells like it.
- [64:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It used to be a crown. Remember that?
- [64:03]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [64:04]
Greg Fitzsimmons
There's like a crown.
- [64:05]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [64:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Taxi.
- [64:06]
Tom Arnold
So she really said that about a woman. That's disgusting that she did that.
- [64:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then.
- [64:10]
Tom Arnold
But they're outdoors, right?
- [64:12]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Got shamed. Yeah, it's outdoors.
- [64:13]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [64:14]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And. But she got shamed about it and she ended up apologizing.
- [64:17]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, you know, first time I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger, I was like, he's got. He stinks. But they do. All the guys do it because they work out. They like that.
- [64:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [64:26]
Tom Arnold
You know, this is what it's like in. When you're hard. When you're doing a hard thing.
- [64:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [64:30]
Tom Arnold
But I think that's wild.
- [64:31]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Do you smell. What's your body odor like?
- [64:33]
Tom Arnold
I try not to, but I mean.
- [64:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
When it comes out, do you have a lot of smell to you?
- [64:38]
Tom Arnold
I have some. And I know this from having kids. It's different. Boys, girls. Like, my son came in again. He's huge. Came into my bathroom one day from playing basketball. I go, God damn it. Raise your arms. Raise your. That's. And I spray his arms every day. You got to do that for the rest of your life. That's disgusting. Now, my daughter, who's nine, she's the tallest kid in her class, we were doing something and I was like, does she. Maybe she has a little. And I didn't want to say anything. I'd never say anything to her. So here's what I did. I said, hey, wanna go to the mall? We go down there to Fashion Square. They got the robot sushi. We have it. She loves it. He's like, hey, wanna walk around the mall and walk around a little bit? And I go, what's that? Is that Sephora? Right? You love that story. She goes, yeah. And I go right to the back. I'm looking at stuff with her. She gets the stuff. And I go, oh, what is this? Do you want one of these? And she goes, it's deodorant, dad. Do you think I smell? I go, no, I swear to God. But your brother has deodorant, so I thought maybe you would. What? Deodorant, too. And that's how we got deodorant.
- [65:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And she did it. She started using it.
- [65:39]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. But she was on to me, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [65:41]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know, Right? I like it. I remember the first time I fooled around with my wife. We took a bike ride over the Brooklyn Bridge, and it was summer, and she had on, like, a sundress. And then we went back to her place and we started fooling around the couch, and she had a little.
- [65:58]
Tom Arnold
Little. I like that. It's like. That's how it's really supposed to be.
- [66:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [66:03]
Tom Arnold
They're supposed to have hairy armpits, too. I like that, too. Yeah, like that. It's you. It's an extra turn on. Because very few people have it.
- [66:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
About feet, how do you feel about women's feet?
- [66:16]
Tom Arnold
I try not to make that a issue, you know, so it's not a.
- [66:20]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Deal breaker if they're bad, and it's not a turn on if they're good.
- [66:22]
Tom Arnold
No. And I. And you don't have to like it. Look at them. If they're bad.
- [66:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [66:26]
Tom Arnold
You don't make that a thing. If they got weird square toes. Big square toes. I'll tell you what. The deal breaker, and I hate to say this, because there's a lot of nice people, which. Their face is great, and then their legs are just like this. It's unusual, though. It doesn't go with the rest of their body, like from the knee down.
- [66:44]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, the ankles.
- [66:45]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, yeah. But bigger than that.
- [66:47]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right, right, right.
- [66:48]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. They're healthy, they work out. But they got this weird thing, you know, that's like when a man. You know, my buddy Steve Tisch, it's funny. Billionaire. Yeah. My favorite best man I've ever had. My wedding. Godfathered his kids. He's got a huge butt, so when he gets fat, his ass gets so big. And that's the worst thing for a guy.
- [67:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [67:08]
Tom Arnold
Get that huge pear body.
- [67:09]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know some people just have a body part, and as soon as they put weight on, that's where it goes, you know, Like, I have a friend, her arms. As soon as she, like, her body's normal and her arms just swell up when she puts on weight.
- [67:22]
Tom Arnold
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when people lose weight, it comes out of their face first.
- [67:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [67:28]
Tom Arnold
Their body is still.
- [67:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Have you ever thought about going on Ozempic? I mean, you're not overweight.
- [67:32]
Tom Arnold
No. You're a little. You're a little puffy, but yeah, I need to. You know, I had lost £80. I looked great after my stroke. That was like £80. Yeah. I was like, what could have caused this? And I had blood thinners and I'd lost £80.
- [67:46]
Greg Fitzsimmons
This guy know Ozempic?
- [67:48]
Tom Arnold
Charles D' Angelo would say, no, no. Ozemik was invented, I don't think. But let me say this about Ozempic. More power to you, because I know a lot of guys that are like us, addicts that were big and start taking Oz epic. And they don't crave that either. They don't obsess on drugs.
- [68:07]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, that's right.
- [68:09]
Tom Arnold
That. So that's kind of a miracle. Yeah. You know, I think that'll. They'll find out about it where you don't, you know, you don't obsess about food. Right then. But here's what happens with fat guys. They're like, I miss eating. I miss. They force themselves. They force food on themselves.
- [68:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [68:23]
Tom Arnold
Because they. And then they quit doing it.
- [68:25]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
- [68:26]
Tom Arnold
You know, but because we always think we need more food than we do.
- [68:29]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Are you exercising?
- [68:30]
Tom Arnold
Yes.
- [68:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What do you do?
- [68:31]
Tom Arnold
I do the recumbent bike hour a day, you know, Plus I. We play.
- [68:37]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What do you get the heart rate up to?
- [68:38]
Tom Arnold
That's say I can't get up very high just because my pulse resting Pulse is like 50, 48. I get it up to 120. I do the best I can. I'M hard. It's hard because I'm sweating. And then you play basketball. My son and his buddies. That's hard. That's. We play. There's no fouls called.
- [68:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [68:56]
Tom Arnold
You know, and my lesson from them, Watch them play. In school, every kid that gets the ball shoots it.
- [69:01]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [69:01]
Tom Arnold
There's no passing. It's full court. They shoot it. The three.
- [69:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Are you playing full court with them?
- [69:06]
Tom Arnold
I play. I have. But we play half court at my house. And you gotta pass.
- [69:10]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
- [69:11]
Tom Arnold
Because my daughter and I could beat him at any one of his friends. Because when my son was in school.
- [69:17]
Greg Fitzsimmons
The coach made them make two. Two touches before you. Before you.
- [69:20]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. That's a great rule.
- [69:21]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, Right?
- [69:22]
Tom Arnold
That's a great rule.
- [69:23]
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's time for fits. Fastballs with fits. This is a quick thing we do at the end, and then we're going to talk about your dates that you have coming up.
- [69:30]
Tom Arnold
What time is it, you think? Okay, perfect. You know, I'm on the spectrum.
- [69:38]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I have to take seven.
- [69:39]
Tom Arnold
I'd love you. Let's do it.
- [69:41]
Greg Fitzsimmons
By the way, you know, it's a really good tool with. With the Asperger's and adhd. There's a thing called the Pomodoro technique. And I'll give you the app on your phone, and what it does is it sets a timer. Your phone won't go off. Nothing happens on your phone for 25 minutes. You don't check your email, you don't do anything except work on what you're doing. And then after 25 minutes, the alarm goes off and you have five minutes to return emails. Take a dump, have a snack. And then the alarm goes off again. You do another 25 minutes. I. I do it for like three hours a day with writing, with anything, paying bills. And you do it in chunks, and it allows you to not get obsessed.
- [70:20]
Tom Arnold
That's really smart.
- [70:22]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's really fart smart.
- [70:24]
Tom Arnold
But I'll forget about it being able to get a hold of you. That's a 70 app.
- [70:27]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
- [70:29]
Tom Arnold
I got an app about braid health, but I keep forgetting Yeti. Do you take that braid vitamin?
- [70:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
We're literally in the middle of fast solids your face. There are two types. There are two types of people in the world go, oh.
- [70:48]
Tom Arnold
People that have such humor, people that don't.
- [70:52]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right. It's amazing. I work at a Gold's Gym where Arnold works out in Venice. And I swear to God, I've tried to joke around with people. I've been there for six years. Nobody ever jokes around with Me, I'll make a joke, and they'll just, you know, like, one guy was going for some weights at the same time as me, and I go, rock, paper, scissors. And he just stared me down, and then he walked away. I'm like, what's wrong with these people?
- [71:14]
Tom Arnold
Maybe they don't realize you're funny. Maybe think you're being, like, serious. Like, let's compete, man. Rock, paper, scissors. It is bad. It is bad. In a relationship, that's a deal breaker. Yeah.
- [71:26]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah. Who's your best Asian friend, man?
- [71:31]
Tom Arnold
My best Asian, Asian friend. Probably my brother's husband. Your brother's gay husband? Yeah. Yes, he's gay. He has a husband. Been together a long time, man. Long time.
- [71:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really? That's his name? Long time?
- [71:47]
Tom Arnold
No, his name's Michael.
- [71:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, all right. When's the last time you apologized?
- [71:52]
Tom Arnold
Oh, I apologize to my kids last Thursday because I said I would get something organized that I didn't. And then because it's very important to apologize to them, and it's very important for them to apologize to me. My daughter never asked to do it because she doesn't do anything wrong. But my son to learn that. And I show that by apologizing to whomever and try to be in front of them, whoever is around. If I'm sorry. If we, you know, I apologize a lot. Make amends, and then make amends.
- [72:28]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Six steps.
- [72:29]
Tom Arnold
A living amends, man.
- [72:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
What step is that? You don't know your steps?
- [72:34]
Tom Arnold
Fifth step, baby. I love it. Yeah, but it's such a great thing. And again, not talking about my ex, but she. Once in a while, she would apologize. I'm sorry that she has this thing, whatever thing is. She's like, I think we should take the kids to Disneyland together like a family. And I go, you swatted us. She goes, why do you live in the past? I go, it was last night for real. Like, she's that person. Okay? I'm human. That's your apology. And it moves on and does something. And she says she's got a sponsor. I don't know. But it's very important to sincerely apologize.
- [73:08]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Taught my son to model that for your kids.
- [73:10]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. My son's like, I'm sorry. Okay? I go, no, no, no, no. That's not it. That's not it.
- [73:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You can't say, okay. And you can't say, I'm so sorry that you had a problem with.
- [73:19]
Tom Arnold
Yeah, that pisses me off right there.
- [73:21]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You can't say, I'm sorry. But you. Right.
- [73:23]
Tom Arnold
You can't.
- [73:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You Say, I'm sorry, and you land it and you own it, and then. And then they will respect you for it. And they. And they will apologize more when you apologize.
- [73:33]
Tom Arnold
Yeah.
- [73:33]
Greg Fitzsimmons
As long as you don't make it, you know, Conditional.
- [73:37]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. I think my dad apologized once or twice, and it stunned us kids. He sincerely apologize. My brother ate our babysitter's hearing aid. Swallowed it. He was a baby. We had to wait for it to poop it out. And my dad had yelled at me and my sister, and then he came back and said, it wasn't your fault.
- [73:55]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know what you should have done when he was shitting out the hearing aid is like, make fart noises into the hearing aid while it was coming out.
- [74:03]
Tom Arnold
How do you make fart noises?
- [74:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, no, it's the opposite. You would hear him taking a shit.
- [74:07]
Tom Arnold
Yeah. But our babysitter was like. My dad's like, it's all gonna work out, huh? What? Daisy. She was. Love my dad. But he did apologize a couple times, and it really stuck with me more than anything else.
- [74:18]
Greg Fitzsimmons
You apologized to me when you got. You got here late. I really meant it very effusively.
- [74:22]
Tom Arnold
I apologize. I did. And I wonder, am I. Is it. Do I feel less bad that I'm ready to hit 12 minutes late because it's Greg and we're old buddies. I hope not.
- [74:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, not at all. As a matter of fact, this studio is a little tricky to get to because it's not on the highway.
- [74:38]
Tom Arnold
It's turned the wrong way on this.
- [74:40]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So I expect people to be late.
- [74:42]
Tom Arnold
Jim. Yeah. Thank you.
- [74:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay, final thing, and then we're gonna plug your dates. What's the hackiest bit that you've ever done in your standup act?
- [74:49]
Tom Arnold
Oh, I. There's a few. But the worst thing I ever did, when I was in college in Iowa, Joel Hodgson came down and performed, and I opened up for him. Joel Hodgson is this great comedian, a prop comedian. He was on Saturday Night Live. He was so different. You know, his cadence is, okay, whatever. And when I moved to Minneapolis, I was performing at. Joel came to the show, and so he said, what do you think of him? I go, I think he's me, because I literally stole everything he did. I became a prop comedian. He stayed at my house. He didn't want to pay for a hotel. I'm like, how do I do it? You got to think of something original, you know, I'm like, I got a goldfish. I'll be that. The goldfish guy. But my cadence was exactly like.
- [75:32]
Greg Fitzsimmons
But you didn't take his material?
- [75:34]
Tom Arnold
No, I wish. No, but I. There's always jokes about, you know, a lot of fat chick jokes, but they're truth with me. So it is for my real life.
- [75:45]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Tom Arnold will be coming to see you in your town. He will be in Springfield, Missouri on June 6th and 7th. Indy, June 11th. Kansas City, 6-13-14. Shelbyville, Kentucky, June 16th. And then coming to Raleigh, North Carolina. Atlanta, Dalton, Georgia, Lowell, Arkansas. Oh, that's a fun gig. I did that. East Hampton, New York. Ooh, that's fancy. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Beverly, Mass. Austin, Tampa, Bozeman, Montana, Dallas. So many more dates. You are fucking hitting the road.
- [76:19]
Tom Arnold
There's a hundred this year. I haven't toured like this. I kept maybe seven or eight, never like this. And I'm so grateful. And it's my crazy ex wife comedy tour, which makes it helpful. But my age, I don't have a stand up agent.
- [76:35]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I noticed you have your opening act is booking your gig show.
- [76:37]
Tom Arnold
My opening act. Let me tell you what happened. I have acting agents, but there's no. And my manager's longtime manager's like, I got this. We'll book you. It'll be easy. Use our company. And so nothing was happening. And then a month later, he's like, okay, here's 5,000 places you could perform, casinos, whatever. Take your time, look through it, see if it. I go. And I wrote back immediately, all of them, any of them, I need the money. And then a month later, he's like, you know, you should update a date, your bio. He's doing that stalling thing. So I met this guy, Max Bisel. He opened for me down San Diego. And he said, how could I do more shows with you? And I thought about it, I said, book a tour. You book a tour for me all over the country. You can open up for me all over the country. And he loves it.
- [77:24]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I love it. He loves it.
- [77:25]
Tom Arnold
He does it into details with the flights and he deals with the money guy.
- [77:30]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, you know, Louis CK got dropped during the whole fiasco. Got dropped by his agent, his manager, his booking agent. And he took a year off. And then he said to his assistant, why don't you start booking me? And she goes, I'm not an agent, I've never booked it. He goes, start booking me. That'll be your new job. You'll get 10% of the money. So she just learned how to be an agent. And he just played Madison Square Garden. And she got 10% of that because she booked that.
- [77:55]
Tom Arnold
Whoa, that's fantastic.
- [77:56]
Greg Fitzsimmons
She's booking them in major theaters all over the world.
- [77:58]
Tom Arnold
But that says a lot about the ability. You just got to kind of want to do it. And I was thinking, oh, people don't. Like, my manager can't get me booked, and this kid gets on there. He said everybody responded, like, everybody. Like, that was good for me. And it's also good to go out and. And do them. And so it's. It's good feeling.
- [78:15]
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, well, good luck on the roads. Thank you again so much for coming in. What a pleasure.
- [78:20]
Tom Arnold
Thank you, man. Thank you, buddy.
- [78:39]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Hi, Zoe Saldana.
- [78:40]
Tom Arnold
Welcome to T Mobile. Here's your new iPhone 16 Pro on us.
- [78:43]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Thanks. And here's my old phone to trade in. You don't need to trade in.
- [78:46]
Tom Arnold
When you switch to T mobile, we'll.
- [78:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Give you a new iPhone 16 Pro. Plus we'll help you pay off your old Phone up to 800 bucks and you still get to keep it. There's always a trade in. Not right now. @ T Mobile. I feel like I have to give.
- [78:58]
Tom Arnold
You something in return for karma.
- [78:59]
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's okay.
- [79:00]
Tom Arnold
I don't really have much in my purse. Oh, let's see.
- [79:03]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Hand sanitizer.
- [79:04]
Tom Arnold
It's lavender.
- [79:05]
Greg Fitzsimmons
I'm good.
- [79:05]
Tom Arnold
Seriously.
- [79:06]
Greg Fitzsimmons
Let me check this pocket. Oh, mints. Really, I'm fine.
- [79:10]
Tom Arnold
Oh, I have raisins. I'm a mom. Wait, wait one sec. I've got cupcakes in the car. It's our best iPhone offer ever. Switch to T Mobile. Get a new iPhone 16 Pro with Apple intelligence on us, no trade in needed. We'll even pay off your Phone up to 800 bucks with 24 monthly bill credits. New line, 100 plus a month. I experience beyond Finance Agreement 999.99 and qualifying. Ported well. Qualified plus tax and $10 connection charge. Payout via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days credits and balance due if you pay off early or Cancel. See t mobile.com packages by Expedia. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels.
- [79:48]
Greg Fitzsimmons
And hammocks for less.
- [79:50]
Tom Arnold
Expedia made to travel.