Bert Kreischer (IN STUDIO): Drinking Beers & Hacking Comedy

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade

Episode: Bert Kreischer (IN STUDIO): Drinking Beers & Hacking Comedy
Date: January 29, 2026

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Overview

This episode features comedian Bert Kreischer, returning for his second in-person appearance with hosts Dana Carvey and David Spade. The trio dives deep into Bert’s meteoric career, the evolution of comedy, personal health hacks, on-the-road rituals, and the psychology behind success in show business. With plenty of laughs, honest stories, inside-showbiz wisdom, and heartwarming (and occasionally wild) moments, it’s a compelling look at the comedy grind, personal vulnerability, and lasting friendship.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Life, Health, and the Showbiz Grind

• Bert and the hosts start with jokes about weight maintenance, supplements, and the trade-offs of health regimens like Mounjaro (a weight-loss drug).

  • Notable Quote:
    • David Spade: “So everything that’s fun goes away. It’s incredible. It’s cheap too.” (04:00)
    • Bert Kreischer: “Takes your sparkle away.” (03:49)

• Honest talk about drinking habits, moderation, and the unique pressures of being “the party guy” both on stage and off.

  • Bert describes his routine of lining up Liquid Death cans and “murdering them” with water each night to stave off hangovers and improve recovery—turning a healthy habit into a comedy bit. (08:30)
  • Dana Carvey: “You have to have a sharp, clear head.” (21:40)
  • Drinking tales on the road, the difference between drinking as an act and genuine alcoholism.

2. Comedy Then and Now: Hacking the Business

• Bert details how the “delivery system” for comedy has exploded: from late-night TV and clubs, to Instagram, TikTok, podcasts, and Netflix.

  • Bert Kreischer: “Comedy is everywhere now.” (10:55)
  • His focus is on Instagram; admits his team runs most other channels for him. (11:08)

• Discussion of how moving up the financial ladder and acquiring material status symbols like watches triggered identity questions in Bert.

  • Bert’s story of buying his first Rolex: “I gotta act like a grown up.” (13:18)

• The machinery of comedy as a business: Bert shares how he “cheat codes” specials with strategic joke placement and frontloading routines based on Netflix retention metrics.

  • “My specials are good...but even when I say that I kind of cheat coded the system.” (27:56)
  • Memorable Tip: Placing his closer at the 22-minute mark due to audience drop-off; attention to analytics is crucial.
  • David Spade: “I’m going to call that clever… what do you call that mindset?” (28:18)

3. Community, Competition, and Underdog Mentality

• The emotional weight of success: Bert opens up about realizing not everyone roots for you as you rise.

  • “You find out that a lot of your friends, they like you where you are.” (36:42)
  • Rogan and Tom Segura were among the few in his corner as his career skyrocketed. (37:12)

• Reflections on helping the comedy scene: bar games and tip raffles for wait staff, not just to entertain but also to foster community in clubs.

  • The emotional payoff: “...she starts crying...I get to buy the good car seat now.” (24:07)

• Bert discusses feeling like an outsider at Hollywood events and school functions, always working to fit in but never quite losing his sense of being “the underdog.” (71:01)

4. Philosophy of Work, Vulnerability & Authenticity

• Discussion about finding and developing a comic “voice”—and the enduring importance of authenticity in a crowded, content-soaked world.
  • Bert: “I don’t think you find your voice till you’re 40.” (53:16)
  • David Spade: “I think authenticity now...that’s part of what your appeal is.” (54:14)
  • Bert on oversharing: “I overshare. Like I way overshare.” (54:21)

5. Building a Career and Navigating New Frontiers

• Bert’s entrepreneurial, “hack the system” approach, e.g., clever promotional videos, turning events into experiences, and pioneering big-venue tours (like Fully Loaded). (31:43)
• Feelings about not being invited to industry showcases leading him to create his own events, inadvertently alienating other comics (“I realized...I am doing to other comics what was done to me.” (33:15))
• Insightful business talk about how movies are less lucrative and riskier compared to streaming or reality content; predictions about the decline of major film budgets. (75:13)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

On Career, Underdog Status, and Friendship

• Bert: “I never feel...Yeah, yeah. I think that’s the thing that drives me. I have a very punitive brain.” (33:33)
• “I was bummed that not everyone loved me the way I wanted them to love me. So I just loved everyone as they succeeded.” (39:22)

Hacking the Comedy Special

• Bert: “The first words out of your mouth...more people should hear this.” (55:03)
• “When I shoot a special, the best...Dave Chappelle’s my favorite.” (58:49)
• On Dave Chappelle’s advice for a special: “Let it be in the air...allow those moments...let yourself find them.” (65:32)

On Success, Fulfillment, and Perspective

• Tim Dillon’s wisdom to Bert: “Why? It never gets better than today.” (80:34)
• Bert: “I love it. I’m the happiest person alive.” (80:34)
• “Ten years ago, if you had said, ‘Hey, let me tell you your life’...I’m in. I’ll take the black guy, too.” (81:23) (Wild Bert humor at work.)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:20] - Bert’s supplement/health routine and banter about Mounjaro
• [06:48] - How drinking fits into Bert’s work and life
• [10:00] - The evolution of comedy access and distribution
• [13:14] - Bert’s first Rolex: material success and identity
• [21:40] - Onstage drinking pressure and promotion
• [24:07] - Stories of the tip raffle and emotional audience/wait staff reactions
• [27:56] - “Cheat coding” Netflix specials and analytics
• [31:43] - Building tours, fostering new event formats in comedy
• [36:42] - Reckoning with friends’ reactions to success
• [54:14] - Developing a comic voice and the power of authenticity
• [65:32] - Chappelle’s advice, shooting comedy specials
• [75:13] - The shifting economics of movies vs. streaming
• [80:34] - Bert’s mindset of fulfillment and embracing the present

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Tone and Style

The tone is honest, irreverent, and self-deprecating, with rapid-fire banter between three seasoned comedians. Bert’s signature openness (“I overshare”) and punchy storytelling mesh perfectly with Spade and Carvey’s dry, incisive wit.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a candid, energetic exploration of life as a comic “on the inside”—balancing vulnerability, hustle, and humor. Bert Kreischer’s success is deconstructed from every angle: not just as a performer, but as a business-minded, unorthodox thinker who’s reshaping his corner of entertainment. For fans of comedy, behind-the-scenes showbiz lore, or even self-improvement, this episode delivers both substance and laughs.

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Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

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[David Spade]

I'm trying to live in the 140s. Don't be mad. So what I do is 140 I chicks under 140.

[Bert Kreischer]

My dad, when I was a kid, anytime you ever saw two dudes together, you go, look at these two gay guys. And then one day I go, do you think they're saying that about us? And he goes, oh, God, I hope not. You find out that a lot of.

[Dana Carvey]

Your friends, they like you where you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

They like you where you are.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's not get crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the third time I've texted you. I swear to God, if you don't reply, I'm gonna come to your house, inject AIDS into you, and light your house on fire and kill your children. The next test, my bad. That was for my sister.

[Dana Carvey]

All right, Dana, we had Bert Kreischer on, I think on again, right? He's been on before.

[David Spade]

It was our second time. We did it a few couple months ago, and we did it in the studio where you're sitting for five.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah.

[David Spade]

Up close, personal.

[Dana Carvey]

We all took our shirts off as an homage. No, I didn't. I was requested to keep mine on by America.

[David Spade]

Yeah, My shirt off. And you looked over and it. I don't want to talk out of school, but you did faint.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that why I fainted?

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, you fainted. And Heather kind of caught you. But anyway, let's get back to Burke.

[Dana Carvey]

Our guest, Bert Kreischer. Free Bird is the show on Netflix. We talk about everything up and down and also the casting for the show, how he got into it, what the show's about, and it looks like a fun show. I watched some of it yesterday. So I think this is kind of what people want to hear about Bert right now. You had a nice time.

[David Spade]

I had a nice time. It's always very interesting how he and Tom Segura are friends and have their podcasts.

[Bert Kreischer]

How.

[David Spade]

How just smart. They are. Just about the way to be in show business, you know, And Bert is very humble. About it. You know, he's kind of sheepish about his standup, but he's a great standup because he kills consistently for an hour and he still looks pretty good with his shirt off. I'll say.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, he's one of those guys that doesn't look super gross with his shirt off. Some people you see the shirt off and you go, that's not fair. That's not fair to us.

[David Spade]

It's still fairly solid. But if you up and down on the stage and then there's movement for a long time, that's when you put the shirt on. The thing that surprised me about this podcast was he went pantless as well, which I would. You don't see that, but he's got incredibly strong legs.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, see for yourself. Here we go, guys. Bert Kreischer.

[David Spade]

Which ones?

[Dana Carvey]

It's a good start.

[David Spade]

Are we recording? Always Recording Productions. You're a cocktail of Mr. Kreisner.

[Bert Kreischer]

Take my BPC 157 before I go to bed.

[Dana Carvey]

What's that one?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm on Mounjaro. I'm on Testosterone. I'm on Metformin. I'm on everything.

[David Spade]

Oh, good. Manjaro. Manjaro is not Zepp bound.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that's what it is, right?

[David Spade]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or no. It's like the triazepatide.

[Dana Carvey]

Is it like the commercial?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, do they show you throwing up and shitting blood?

[David Spade]

No, we're all supposed to be microdosing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It, so I'm microdosing it.

[David Spade]

You're microdosing. Okay. What's it doing for you is it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Takes your sparkle away.

[David Spade]

Okay, well, does it take away your appetite?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing that drives you?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I think it drives life.

[David Spade]

So everything that's fun goes away. It's incredible. It's cheap too.

[Dana Carvey]

It turns into a dial down.

[David Spade]

It's a kind of dystopian thing. You got. You lose the weight, but you got no joy in life. It's kind of a what you call classic trade off.

[Dana Carvey]

When does this Manjaro kick in?

[David Spade]

I think the second hour of this podcast. Yeah, well, obviously we're both on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you guys are. What is it like you can eat your entire life. You can eat Taco Bell every meal.

[Dana Carvey]

I really. I can't anymore, but I will tell you.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean you can't anymore? For a while.

[Dana Carvey]

I do get skinny fat, and that's no good. A lot of. A lot of whispers. Dennis Miller used to call it cash Register. Because he goes, spudly. I'm getting a fucking cash register here. I got Ncritis.

[David Spade]

Got Spilkus in my Milkus.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

So we can't be. But Dana's always been pretty.

[David Spade]

But it's all calculated. I, for a small frame, 128. In high school, you know, I was 165.

[Dana Carvey]

That's a high school.

[David Spade]

So what I started to do because I'd never weighed myself, and I did Blue Thunder with James Ferrantino. Look it up. First time around. Catering for boner months. Yes.

[Dana Carvey]

I bought that at 7:11 throwing joke. Go ahead.

[David Spade]

This is good. This is why we. This is why we work.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm on Tell the story.

[David Spade]

No, but anyway, so then I. I gained 20 pounds. So after that, I just weigh myself every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, well, that's the key. You got to weigh yourself every day. Because if you don't, that's when you can weight.

[David Spade]

I'm trying to live in the 140s. Don't be mad. So what I do is I fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chicks that are 140.

[David Spade]

I got stools that weigh 140 over here, you know? So what I do is I step on a digital scale. I don't punish myself. If I want to go on vacation or party, I'll bring it down a little bit. So I just, you know why? Cowardice. I don't want to wake up and go, I gotta fucking lose 30 pounds. Terrified. Worst. So just maintenance. We'll talk after the podcast.

[Dana Carvey]

This little deep for, you know, for guys like me. I did the same thing. And it sounds crazy, but with, like, drugs, like in 90s 2000, where I would take some and people go, just be careful you don't get addicted. So I would keep drinking and drugs sort of in check because I always knew I'd have to come back to zero because you're never gonna. You're not gonna stay in showbiz that long. I'm not talented enough to stay that long if you've been here pretty long. So you go up and you go, oh, I took a Vico a day. And then you go, my friend takes six a day. He's fucked up all the time. It's great. And I'm like, I know, but then I gotta go backwards. I can't. You know, if you. You can always quit a little bit.

[David Spade]

It's a little easier.

[Dana Carvey]

But if you're the more. I mean, you drink probably more than drug thing, but I used to drink a little more than I do now. And then I had to slowly Reel it in. It was never super horrible, but it's easier to come back to zero if you're not too far away. Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm always shocked when people have a real drinking problem. Like, I'm always blown away by like. Cause I drink a lot. I'm a big drinker. But like when you see someone who's like shaking and then just getting into their mouth and you're like, whoa, Right.

[Dana Carvey]

Like it's been an hour and they need something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That can happen. Happen.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And like that. Because I. I've never. Or like this. People that can't quit drinking, they got to go into detox. That's always shocking for me.

[Dana Carvey]

So can you do like two weeks hard and then you take 10 days, you just don't really drink?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Or, you know, I do. I'm healthier on the road. That sounds crazy because I won't drink until. For me, it's about the witching hour. Like if I'm at home and then sun starts setting, I go, hey, let's. Yeah, let's. Let's open a bottle of rose.

[David Spade]

What are we doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

But if I'm on the road, I won't have my first drink until 9:30 because I don't. I don't. Yeah, I gotta. That's what. I'm done. And if I'm doing theaters and you do two a night, I won't drink until 12:30.

[Dana Carvey]

So you do two shows a night?

[Bert Kreischer]

If I do a theater.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

That's big money. I couldn't do it.

[David Spade]

Okay. I want to give you one little last health thing. We can move on to your career and stuff. The solution to pollution is dilution.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you talking water? Yeah.

[David Spade]

So if you're going to drink. So before you start drinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[David Spade]

Before you crack that first beer or whatever for sunset, you have 16 ounces of water.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

It's all diluted. Your whole. All your organs. Liver, kidneys. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Before.

[David Spade]

And then during. Throw a party. It. The effects of alcohol will be diluted and the taxing this on your body. The solution to pollution is dilution. So water, water, water.

[Bert Kreischer]

What I do is I take. I wish I had a picture of it. I take liquid deaths and I put them all on my headboard. I line my whole headboard up with liquid deaths. And then. And then right before I go to bed, I murder four. Whoa.

[David Spade]

Right. But you have to get up a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I B up. Then every time I have to pee, I murder one. So I pee throughout the night. I wake up probably like four times. A night. Which is fine. Which is fine.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's kind of nice to wake up at two and go, it's only two.

[David Spade]

It's better than being dehydrated. Better wake up because you drank so much water.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then what I do is I take them. Is my favorite part is I throw them in the air like a king, wherever they land. And I hear, ding, ding, ding, ding. So I was doing this TV show. I was doing this TV show, Free Bird, and we were in Atlanta. We were in the fourth down in Atlanta. Beautiful hotel. My wife and I had our own rooms. It was so great. And then every night, I have all my liquid deaths up on thing, and I throw them in the air. And I throw them in the air. The last day of shooting, our director, we're like, hey, did you like the hotel? And he's like, yeah, but there's this guy in the middle of the night just moving furniture or chains.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, my God.

[David Spade]

And it was you.

[Bert Kreischer]

What room are you in? He goes, 3:11. I go, I'm in 4:11. I go, Can I show you what I do? And I brought him up to my room. The four is covered in cans. And he's like, I couldn't sleep all fucking month.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, my God.

[David Spade]

So weird. The next night, you're like, oh, this could be so great. Like 2001, the ape throws the bone. Oh, my friend. So I. You didn't need my little solution to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no. But I love. I. I'm a big proponent. I didn't start drinking water. This sounds crazy, and I know that sounds like a plug for liquid death. I didn't start drinking water until liquid death because of the delivery system.

[David Spade]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everything's about delivery systems in life. Like, even comedy these days. The delivery system, I think, because comedy got so broad and so, so popular because the delivery system got so accessible. Meaning, you know, like the. The delivery system for nicotine with cigarettes for so long or chewing tobacco, and it turned people off because it was gross. The second it turned into Zins, everyone's like, chicks are doing it.

[Dana Carvey]

Something's cool. Yeah. So what's the new Liquid Death is cool comedy?

[Bert Kreischer]

TikTok, Instagram podcasts. It's not just going. When you guys started, the only delivery system for comedy was either late evening at the Improv Carson or going to an actual comedy club.

[Dana Carvey]

That was club.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now the delivery system is Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Netflix, HBO, Max, comedy clubs, theaters. I mean, comedy is everywhere now.

[David Spade]

So which is the biggest one for you? If you had to Pick one social media site to post stuff on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I only. I'm only paying attention to Instagram. I'm. Oh, I. TikTok is. I have a TikTok, but I don't touch it. My team runs it. I have YouTube. I'm never on YouTube. I'm on YouTube. My algorithm on YouTube is, like. Said the thing I watched the most was about wars and documentaries on history.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, that's not mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's your algorithm?

[Dana Carvey]

His is porn.

[David Spade]

More.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That was that joke.

[David Spade]

He's kind of walking through all of them.

[Dana Carvey]

Guys. No, I. By the way, is Instagram turning into the new Facebook? That's what I'm worried about because Facebook is for old people. I guess we're old, but not you.

[Bert Kreischer]

But we're the same age.

[David Spade]

Are we?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, 53.

[David Spade]

30.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was thinking that driving over, I go, I kind of grew up with you. Like, I grew up with you, but you're. Yeah, you're like. You're, like younger than my dad, but you're like an older.

[David Spade]

Older brother, right? Yeah, no, I'm. Yeah, probably.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're 70, I think.

[David Spade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. But I. But I.

[David Spade]

But you know how old he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got to be 53.

[David Spade]

Yeah, 53. Yeah, he's 53.

[Dana Carvey]

How old, Segura?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know, like, 49, 47. He looks older than me.

[David Spade]

Pretty good, man. This is. This guy's happy right now.

[Dana Carvey]

Why.

[David Spade]

Why can't you stop smiling?

[Dana Carvey]

Because I'm 54.

[David Spade]

Your new nickname is 50?

[Dana Carvey]

Look at that fucking watch, by the way. Is it a rolly?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

So you're like. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Watches are coming back, though. I don't like to flaunt.

[David Spade]

Do you have security with that watch in la?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I gotta. So I'm gonna be very honest.

[David Spade]

Good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had a. I had an identity crisis at a certain point in my career when I started making money and I watched all my friends that were making money. Not change. I don't want to say change, but become rich people. They started flying planes and driving race cars and buying cars and buying houses. And, like, they'd buy house were furnished. I was like, what?

[Dana Carvey]

Like, oh, can you do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. They'd be like, we'll take it. Keep the furniture.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, keep the, like, staging furniture.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so. And I was still the same, like, just wearing T shirts and jeans and flip flops, wearing hats. I didn't. I wasn't spending my money on anything. I didn't care I don't really care about cars. And one day I was sitting with a group of my friends and everyone had Rolexes on, and they were telling stories about buying each other Rolexes for gifts. And I was like, I want a fucking Rolex. And I was like, I should get a Rolex. I gotta act like a grown up. So I got my first Rolex and I loved it. I loved it. I would look at it. It was a Submariner. I got it in Vegas. And I would look at it and it would cheer me up. And then I became a little bit of a watch guy, but I'm also not, because I only buy Rolexes, so I don't know anything about watches.

[Dana Carvey]

But you're kind of tan. You got a good arm, thick arm, big watch. I think that's cooler, I think, than a little. Like, there's different ways, I think the way people always want to show a little money when the basketball players walk in or the football players walk in the beginning, and it used to be just through the tunnel, but now it's a full fashion show. And they have like a little purse and they have like a skirt on where you go, what happened? What's going on?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember when they were like. They were dressing up almost like gay guys? Like, do you remember Dwayne Wade would dress up like, it was like tight, tight pants like this.

[Dana Carvey]

And you're like, I know, but I don't know. I think they were just dressing, You know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess technically I'm dressed like a gay guy. I'm sure there's a guy, gay guy, wearing what I'm wearing. You're like, my dad used to say that when I'm.

[Dana Carvey]

No, you're a guy acting like you're not gay.

[David Spade]

You're like, look, I look like Bert Kreischer.

[Bert Kreischer]

My dad, when I was a kid, anytime he ever saw two dudes together, he go, look at these two gay guys. And then one day I go, do you think they're saying that about us? And he goes, oh, God, I hope not.

[Dana Carvey]

He finally goes, like, yeah. Every time I go to the airport, I go, look at all these Bert Kreischers here. And when I was at the Barrett Jackson car show, I go, it's full of Burt Kreischer because it's a guy with a beard and they got a hat and they're walking through.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you go to my show and everyone looks like me.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet I can almost. You know what's crazy?

[Dana Carvey]

I get him too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can tell a Fan of mine, as they're walking towards me, I'm like, this guy's gonna about to lose his shit.

[Dana Carvey]

Jamir.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Hey, but what's crazy is I went to Paris, okay? And I would see guys that would be fans of mine, but they didn't know me. And I wanted to go, hey, can I turn you on to something I.

[Dana Carvey]

Think you're gonna love my whole career?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, I think you're gonna like this. Because they'd have beards, they'd be big fat guys drinking beers at a bar.

[Dana Carvey]

But you're still Netflix and stuff. Do you go overseas and do people know you? Cause I was always wondering, yeah, we do.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do Netherlands.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, you do do shows.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I do a European tour. I'll do one for this tour. For premier party. We do London, you know, all of Europe, all of the uk, Ireland. Like, Ireland's the craziest drinkers with the.

[David Spade]

Guinness and the drinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it was. I think it's the O2 arena is what it's called. It's not the same thing.

[David Spade]

I forget in Dublin. In Dublin, their version of the O2.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they ran the show. The Irish ran the show. Like, I got on stage with a Guinness and I held it up in the air, and they start going, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole. And so I would start to drink and they go. And then I'd be in the middle of a joke, and then you hear, ole, ole, ole, ole. Another beat. They. I got wasted on stage. And they are the ones who basically orchestrated the show. It was now same show. Tom Segura goes and was livid.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah. When I was there, they were going, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay. I'm like, me, yeah, you're the only guy up there, dude.

[David Spade]

You know, every year, David, I think we can unequivocally say this. We make resolutions that somehow never stick. But this year, I found the one resolution that actually works. Groons is the simple daily habit that succeeds where extreme resolutions fail, delivering real benefits with minimal effort. If you haven't heard me talk about grooms before, they're a convenient, comprehensive formula packed into a daily snack pack of gummies. This isn't just a multivitamin, a greens gummy, or a prebiotic. It's all those things and then some at a fraction of the price.

[Dana Carvey]

Plus, I don't know if you know this bonus. It takes amazing. Each pack is vegan, nut free, gluten free, dairy free, and free from artificial colors. And flavors with over 20 vitamins and minerals, 60 ingredients including nutrient dense and whole food ingredients and 6 grams of prebiotic fiber. That's more fiber than 2 cups of broccoli. Groons does the heavy lifting while it feels like doing the least.

[David Spade]

There'S even Groon's kids was get this 21 plus essential vitamins and 60 plus ingredients including nutrient dense and whole foods to support immunity and development.

[Dana Carvey]

Kick off your new year right and save up to 52% off with code F OTWRUNS CO that's F O t w at G R u n s co. Listen, the new year is here. Dana you you've read all the papers.

[David Spade]

I've heard about it.

[Dana Carvey]

January and I buy your hair. I can tell you're excited.

[David Spade]

This do you know how much product it took? Get this cake baked but now I've got a forehead the size of Rhode Island.

[Dana Carvey]

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[David Spade]

Nice.

[Dana Carvey]

It could be mean refreshing the kids rooms to help them start the year more organized and on track. Or it could be an all around home refresh with decor, storage and functional upgrades.

[David Spade]

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[Dana Carvey]

Can make a big impact for behind you.

[David Spade]

I know I went on their site. I think this is a really cool company. I think I'm going to order kind of like a love seat or something.

[Dana Carvey]

For me and you.

[David Spade]

Well let's edit that part. Whoops. Cats out of a bay. Get organized David. Refreshed and back on track this new year. For way less head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style every Home when.

[Dana Carvey]

You drink on stage like that, do you get pressure? I remember well even Farley when he was everywhere we go, just walk by someone and they go, hey, sit down, have a drink. Everyone's pulling. Even if he's 100% rehab, they want to be the guy that either broke his rehab or got drunk. So no one gives a fat fuck if he's in rehab. They're like, no, come on, man, just one. We'll do shots, we'll buy. And he was such a people pleaser, he would do them. So you must get people, a, want to drink with you when you're just out, and B, on stage, do they send you drinks or do you have to drink on stage every time?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I won't drink anything that's sent to me now. I mean.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, right. It is weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is. Is. But I always have a drink with me on stage. Like, usually I bring a coffee and a pour of sauce and soda on stage, but I won't touch the cocktail until I start the machine store at the end of the show. And so because I'm working on something, it's like, you know, it is hard.

[Dana Carvey]

You have to have a sharp, clear head.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I did clubs, they were, they would send drinks non stop. And my thing when I was doing clubs, I never had, I never felt like I had job security. You know, I never really sold tickets until, like, later. And so back in the day, if they sent drinks, I knew that that would get them drinking. And I knew. David Tell one time told me, he goes, where were you? And I said, last stop in Houston. He goes, how are the bar sales?

[Dana Carvey]

And I went, yeah, that's the part you don't think of it because they look at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And he goes, I don't know. And he goes, let me tell you something about Houston. That guy doesn't know comedy. But what he does do is he checks the bar tabs every night. If your bar sales are bigger than the next guy's, you're definitely coming back.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, that's smart.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I would bring six pack of Heineken's on stage. When I did clubs, I'd bring a six pack and I'd drink and I'd. And I'd do shots and, and, and I'd. And then what? I. This was the key. This was like job security 101. I was in Chicago and I was at Tony Baldino Club at Schaumburg. And I, and I said, I said, you know, how much do you make money if I bring people at the bar after and stick around and drink? And he goes, oh, yeah. So I started telling people, hey, after the show, don't leave. We're gonna drink at the bar. I'll do a meet and greet. But we hang out when you take pictures.

[Dana Carvey]

Very smart.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I would say, and then I started coming up with gambling games where I go, all right, game of chance. We got a ball. First person to put it into the trash can from across the room. It's a $20 buy in, $1 rebuys, let's go. And like 100 guys would stay. The pot would be $2,000.

[Dana Carvey]

In the bar.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the bar. And we'd stay until 4 in the morning. And I'm the second I did that. I was. It was like bar comedy clubs were dying to have me. And then I did. I mean, this was all like. I gotta be honest, like, it was a workaround. Cause I was so insecure that I wasn't as good as, like, a Bill Burr or a Dave Attell or a David Spade or a Dana Carvey. I was always like. Cause I took my shirt off. I'm a party guy. I would do this thing called the waitstaff raffle. I mean, clubs loved me. I would take. I would say at the end of the show, I'd say, hey, I'm gonna pass around a hat. Whatever change you have, throw it in, $20, whatever. And then we're gonna pick one name out of the wait staff, and we'll give that person the money. It's gonna change your lives. The first person we did it to, the girl, because it was in Jersey, because I got like a hundred dollar bonus. And I was like, I could give it 10 bucks to everyone or just give 100 to one. So I put a hundred in. We collect $633 on one show. On the first time I did it, and the girl comes up and she starts crying and she's pregnant, and she goes, I get to buy the good car seat now. And everyone's like, oh, my God, I got the best one. This was the best one. So we're in.

[Dana Carvey]

She said, I get to have the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Baby now we're in Lexington, Kentucky. Now, stereotypically, you never wanted a black dude to win because.

[David Spade]

Okay, explain that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because didn't show emotion. You wanted the person to receive the thing. No. Black guys were always like, cool, okay. One guy was like, I'm gonna get sneakers. And you're like, now we feel like we wasted our money.

[David Spade]

Who goes the most?

[Bert Kreischer]

You wanted a black chick to win? Always. They always would. Oh, they had. They could. Oh, and then. Then you go, white chick or any ethnicity then. White chick.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then white dude, black. Last is black dude. You never want a black dude to win. So this guy, I wish I could remember his name.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm not gonna guess.

[Bert Kreischer]

He went.

[David Spade]

I think I know Laverne or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. I pull his name. Kevin, I think. I don't think his name is Kevin. I pull his name, and he comes up and he's like this, like, cool, okay. And it was. It was like 700. And I go, so, what are you gonna spend the money on? He's like, I'm good, man. And I was like, what are you gonna spend the money on? And I go, you seem emotional.

[Dana Carvey]

Who.

[Bert Kreischer]

He starts to tear up, and I see it in his eye. And he goes, next week is my little girl's birthday, and now I get to be the father she thinks I am. I start crying. He goes, she wanted a party. I couldn't throw a party. Now I could throw a party, and I could buy her a present. And I was like. And everyone started opening their wallets and walking up and giving them money. And he's sobbing. I'm sobbing, the whole room sobbing. I'm like, wow. I tell that, right? I tell that to the waitstaff. The next place I'm in Pittsburgh, guy wins. He comes up on stage and he's crying, and I go, you seem emotional. He goes, my son has cancer. I'm like, oh, my God. He goes, this Christmas, it's gonna be hard on our family, but now I can bring my family in so they can all spend his last Christmas together. And we're like, holy sh. Everyone comes up. Guy walks with, like, three grand. I get done the show. He comes in the green room, he goes, and the Oscar goes to Foxmoder.

[Dana Carvey]

What a dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I stopped doing it. I was like, I can't do this. This. But, yeah, the black dude was the best. The black dude was the best.

[Dana Carvey]

I almost came.

[David Spade]

I don't know of any stand up that has done this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was. I looked.

[David Spade]

I was like, anybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was.

[Dana Carvey]

Any opportunity to help just helps the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like, I don't know. You always tried to tip the wait staff big.

[Dana Carvey]

Sure, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so, like, I don't know. I also. I think once. And, you know, this was. I think I always had insecurity about my stand up because I didn't know why people were coming to see me. You know, Like, I was like. Like, I know I'm a good storyteller, and I know I'm a good comic. I was always fun on stage, but, like. Like, I never got Nominated for a Golden Globe or like an Emmy or any of that shit for my stand up. And I always thought my specials are good. They track well. They do well on Netflix. I mean, they get big numbers. But even when I say that, I kind of cheat coded the system. Like, I heard two people saying that people only watched 30 minutes of their special, and then Netflix said they only watched the first 30 minutes. That's why we're doing 30 minutes at the most. So on Secret Time, I took my closer and I put it at 22 minutes. I was like, if they're not gonna. I'm not gonna put my best joke at the end. When no one hears it. Yeah, when you're not watching it.

[Dana Carvey]

So true.

[David Spade]

Yeah, so true.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I took everything and I front loaded it in Secret time. The first 30 minutes go by so quick because I skinnied everything up, crammed it up. And then it turns out people like Robbie called and he was like, your retention rate was like 97%. 97% of the people that watched your special watch the whole fucking thing. And I was like, oh, yeah, because they're locked in. Next time I go, I cheat coded. And I put my closer at 22. And he was like, what?

[David Spade]

Yeah, because it is. When I went into the inner sanctum with Netflix, they gave me that metric. I go, I would have done the whole thing different because it's like you're doing a set and if you're not holding them, the audience is slowly starting to leave. Say you're in a big room, they're leaving, and you gotta get to this certain, you know, time where they're still there. So you would reorientate. I don't know. I'm gonna call that clever. Smart. I don't know. What do you call that mindset that you have to go? Curiosity about how to hack things or how to win, basically.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. Think I've gotten compliments from business people on the way I've done my career. But, you know, you always want to be Sandler, who doesn't look like he tries.

[Dana Carvey]

Doesn't look like he tries. Never stops working.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, like. Like you want to be like and beloved by everyone. Everything he does is the best thing anyone's ever fucking seen. You know, like, you want to be like a tell, not, I mean, or Chappelle. They're just geniuses. For me, I was like, I think I gotta do a little extra to get to genius. Like, I'll give you a perfect example. I put my tour, I put my. My first, like, Big tour on sale in theaters. And they were like. And like, I. Fucking agents calling me. I mean, people we know. You're wrong. Not my agent, but you're wrong. You should. You're not ready for theaters. You're not. You're gonna. Not you. It's. You're gonna ruin your career. And I was terrified. So I took $1200 and I did a dance video, and I got this professional dancer to teach me a dance, and I did a dance video. And then I released my tour dates on the side, and I started promoting my.

[David Spade]

I started promoting myself dancing in the margin of the video. And then things are coming down and. What are you doing, Dan? What are you wearing?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it just Speedo high tops.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, High tops.

[David Spade]

So it's a little bit Chris Farley vibes, in a way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And I did promo video. I like, I. I never thought I could just put tickets on sale. I thought you got. I got a. I got a smart razzle dazzle. I got a marching band. I paid a marching band, like, $2,400 to come to my backyard and play Rubber Band man to do a promo.

[Dana Carvey]

Great song.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the only song they all knew.

[Dana Carvey]

Toe Tapper.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had no plans. I just brought him over. I was like. I was like, do you guys know a song? And they're like, what do you guys know? And one guy goes, I know Rubber Band Man. And everyone goes, I know Rubber Band Man. I was like, cool. So I sat him around my pool. I was in my. It looked like a regular promo read. And I was like. I got a big announcement, and I blow a whistle, and then the drum guy comes out behind me from my. From my. Like, in my backyard. And then I reveal the band and we start dancing. But, like, I always. I guess you could call it smart. I know that I've had companies come to me to use that side of my brain, but I was. I mean, I just, you know, I always felt like I was cheat coding it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Spade]

When you're playing the Santa Barbara Bowl, I saw a flyer, and it did it. The flyer. And I don't know, his guest stars or whatever. Felt like an event and a party and more than a regular. Just one guy with a mic talking, you know, so, like, Nitro Circus used.

[Dana Carvey]

To be with Travis Pastry. Like, it's like, oh, this is an event. More than just, let's just go watch. Stand up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it's like, I tried to get you to do the Fully Loaded with me bus tour.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, and it. And what it was is it's. You know, it was a heavy lift for me because I have all these great comics. I mean, you look at the list of comics that have done Fully Loaded.

[Dana Carvey]

It'S the best comics.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shane Gillis, Big J Okerson, Stavi. I mean, it's the best comics in the world. And I did some crazy, crazy band. We were the first people to ever do Stand up at the gorge. 35,000 people. I mean, it was crazy. It was crazy. And I loved the challenge. I loved the heavy lift. I loved the, you know, Jelly Roll came out and tour with us. We had Marcus King. We had. I mean, it's just wild, wild events and then. But I didn't realize, like, I was so ambitious and so proud of my ambition and what I could do that I didn't realize how many comics I was alienating, like, because not everyone was invited. And I. One night, we were doing the tennis arena where they used to hold the U.S. open in long Island. They have. It's a stage. It's an outdoor venue. It's beautiful. And someone came up to me and they said, why did you do this? Can you believe you did this? And I said, yeah, I can believe. And they go, what do you mean? And I said, well, I did it because I don't think I would have ever been invited to do it. Like, no one was gonna. I never got invited to Montreal or Aspen or. I never got on the Oddball. I never got invited to do that Oddball tour. I've never done it. I've never been invited to do anything ever. Ever. Like, that's a. Like, that's crazy. I've been successful for 27 years, and I've never been invited to do anything. So I just had to create them to do them. And then as I said that, I realized, oh, my God, I am doing to other comics what was done to me.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, it's just the way it is.

[David Spade]

Do you still feel like you're the underdog in some way?

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[David Spade]

It's just part of your brain.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never feel. Yeah, yeah. I think. I think that's the thing that drives me. I have a very punitive brain.

[David Spade]

Do better, Bert. Do better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Puny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Puny. Yeah, probably. Like, I'm just very rough on myself. Like, this morning, I was like, this morning, I got up a party last night, smoked a cigar, watched the New Sandler George Clooney movie, which is fucking amazing.

[Dana Carvey]

All right, Jay Kelly.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so. It's so fucking good. It shouldn't be that good. Those two. Those two on the COVID You're like, as a viewer, you're like this. The two guys phoned it in. They wanted to spend time together. They both wanted to go to Rome, spend some time with their families, bring the boys out, play a little golf. It's so good. Yeah, it's. George Clooney brought his A game. Like.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not saying that he hasn't always, but he, you know.

[Dana Carvey]

Sure.

[David Spade]

Sometimes great director, too. Well, you get Noah Birnbach.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I know. And you know, Adam and Clooney probably get the pick of the litter of all scripts, so especially each one does and put them together. So.

[David Spade]

Yeah, great.

[Dana Carvey]

But sometimes that doesn't work.

[David Spade]

When I saw the trailer, I thought, yeah, they're in the pocket. And I saw like 10 seconds, he's.

[Dana Carvey]

Already up for awards.

[Bert Kreischer]

I literally, you know, you sit back and you're like, I saw the Clooney, Brad Pitt one.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, Wolf's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was okay. It was good. It was funny. But I had him like, yo, you, Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Come on.

[David Spade]

Well, I couldn't. With Wolf, I wasn't quite sure. They're just to going, cool, cool dudes. And there's a crime. This one is very specific, you know, just like he's an old. You know, including playing a version of himself in a way. And then Sandler being the manager, I just saw immediately. Because that's part of Sandler's personality.

[Dana Carvey]

A little different mov.

[David Spade]

How you doing, man? How you doing? You all right? Carvey. You know, it's part kind of.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I've only creeped him out.

[David Spade]

You've.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah.

[David Spade]

You've only creeped him out where you.

[Dana Carvey]

Came up to him or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that thing you called me the night. That next. The next day. And you're like. Because I was worried about it. It's like, oh, it was during the pandemic and I did that interview and.

[David Spade]

I was like, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I called his movie Beautiful Gems or something.

[David Spade]

Yeah, yeah, I remember that. You showed me that video.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I showed my daughter's Happy Madison the other day. And he was like, did you. I was like, they loved it. And he was like, oh.

[Dana Carvey]

And I asked Happy Gilmore.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, I talked. I called it Happy Madison. And then I was like, hey, do you have Netflix? He's like, I have a 250 million dollar dealer now. He didn't say that, but that's.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

In hindsight, yeah.

[David Spade]

Sandler is.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, doubt he Would hold that against you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think.

[David Spade]

I don't think so.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

He's going a million miles.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Anytime it's an unintentional thing, it's fine. Like anybody. You're not after him. Plus, your comics, we like stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

So when you got rich and famous. Okay. At a given point, then that was just for sure. Bird is rich, bird is famous. How did it affect relationships with people?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's a great question. I realized not everyone was rooting for me.

[Dana Carvey]

Is pulling for you.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

We all find that along the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

You find out that a lot of.

[Dana Carvey]

Your friends, they like you where you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

They like you where you are.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's not get crazy.

[David Spade]

Don't go nuts.

[Dana Carvey]

That's quite enough. That's quite enough.

[David Spade]

How did that manifest itself? Just in little. Little sly things. Little Little digs kind of backstage or.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[David Spade]

Or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, it was like. It was crazy. I. It was. Yeah, it was crazy. I. I don't know the right way to say it without bringing up old dramas, but. But, like, it. It was.

[Dana Carvey]

It was friends or family, Everyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, family, Everyone. Oh, my family. All didn't. Was disconnected. I don't think they had any idea what was happening. Rogan and Tom were the two people that were, like, cheering for me. They were, like, legit.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rogan would be like. He was like, dude, you're not here by mistake. And I was. And he's like, you've earned.

[David Spade]

Good to hear.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know? But, yeah, I realized there were a lot of people that liked me when I was below them, and they didn't like me when I blew up. And what I might. The lesson I learned was because, dude, like, I broke ticket sales. I broke a lot of people's ticket sales. And I thought they would be like, hey, cool. Yeah, they didn't like it.

[David Spade]

Didn't like it.

[Dana Carvey]

And I could see that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then when. And then what's interesting.

[David Spade]

Human nature.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a call one day from Shane Gillis, and he was like, hey, do you remember when we worked at the Celebrity arena in Arizona? And I said, yeah. He goes, you did the record. Record beer sales. And I said, yeah. And he goes, guess who just broke it? And I. At that moment, I went, oh, I need to be what I always wanted everyone to be for me. And I was like, dude, fucking, you're the man. And. And. And, like. And for Shane, he's doing Lincoln Financial. The day I heard about it, I text him. I want everyone to succeed. I don't Care. I have no competition in me. I literally, like, my competition is within myself. And what can I do? It is, it is my race and I. No one can affect me other than me. And I can be inspired by shit. Shane does, like tires. Fucking I loved tires when I got greenlit for free. Bert. I called Shane and I was like, dude, I'm nervous. He's like, dude, you're gonna kill it. And I was like, I may lean on you a little bit in production of like shit. Because I don't know. And when Tommy's bad ideas came out, bad thoughts came out.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom Seguro fucking loved it. And I called Tommy. I go, this looks amazing. You can. He's a great actor. So, yeah, I think the, the pullback, the takeaway was I was bummed that no, not everyone loved me the way I wanted them to love me. So I just loved everyone as they succeeded.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, it is hard. I mean it's a jealous business and personal struggles. My family is always cool about it, but there's people on the outside or friends or sort of friends.

[David Spade]

Yeah. You have to forgive the 10 year old boy inside you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[David Spade]

Little like, ah, like Toy Story, there's a new shiny object in town. And I, I've always said this, that the reason there's a class clown. He was a class clown. They were a class clown. It's never plural. Because if there were two class clowns, one class clown would kill the other class clown. You know, so this is just childlike drive and you just sort of put it in your head and go, oh, silly me, you know, but your attitude's perfect. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just I heard you say one time, or maybe I read something you said when you said something to the effect of you had friends who were terrified of losing heat or something. In fact, it was something someone asked you. Why aren't you. Why aren't you doing more movies? And you're like, why don't I don't need it. Or I forget what you said, but maybe I'll just ask you. Like, when you stopped, you were like, I'm done. I'm gonna hang out with my family. Like, did. Did you have friends that were like, I don't want to lose the heat. I don't want to lose.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, like my friend.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah. That's a definite thing of worry of comedians or entertainers or anybody that I'm less hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And Lorne Michael's quote was the miniature hot. You can feel yourself getting less hot. But I swear to God, I have a I'm from the other era of romance, and in some ways it's hurt me. You know, I was, you know, Bob Dylan and the Beatles, and it's all about the work. It's all about the work. And we were not allowed to do any commercials when I was on SNL. And even in the 90s, I turned down at least 100 million in commercials, just like you're not supposed to. It's. It's art, artistic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[David Spade]

It's not about being hot or famous or wealth healthy. It's about doing work that destroys people. It's very naive, and I regret all of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

My dad. My dad, Thanksgiving. My dad, this Thanksgiving, he couldn't stop talking about Pete Davidson. He's in love with Pete Davidson.

[Dana Carvey]

Your dad. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's like, God, this guy Bert, did you see him on Seth Meyers? He looks great. First of all, sober. Sober.

[Dana Carvey]

This is your dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is my dad. He's getting all his tattoos that's removed. And I was like, really? And I go, did you. Do you like his stand up? He goes, he does stand up. I go, what do you. Where did you.

[David Spade]

What are you a fan for?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love his Capital One commercials.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, for real? He goes, the guy's fucking good. You know, he dated Kim Garden. My dad's a fan. A fan. If he met Pete Davidson the way. Same way my dad loves Bill Burr. He loves him.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And my dad, like, he loves Rogan. When he met Rogan, he was like, he's so jacked. You know, My dad's like an old school, 1950s celebrity guy. Like, he likes, like, he. If he's seen you on something he can't believe, then he pulls you aside. You know, Rogan's not as tall as I thought he'd be. You're like, yeah, don't bring that up, dad.

[Dana Carvey]

It's not. It's fun when you. Someone like that's a fan of everybody. It's like, that's exactly what you want someone to be like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's like, this is like, I didn't bring my assistant today because I was like, I love you guys. Like, this is like a treat for me.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Anytime it's comics here, it's easier and fun and not as much prep. I'll tell you a quick thing. When I was my high school reunion, one story was, a guy was, well, Julie Bowen was back in town. We were dating, and she goes, do you want me to go with you? And I said, let's just. Yeah, it'll be funny. So we walked in and we wore a tag. We said, oh, that's right, Ben and Jlo. So we walk in and the first guy, he goes, you think you're fucking Ben Affleck? And I go, all right, well, this wasn't a great idea. And then the night before the party, I was with like seven guys I was pretty tight with, and we're all getting in a car to go to another bar the night before the thing. And it was only. It was probably the 10 year reunion and one guy kind of stayed behind like this, and he's all fucked up. And he goes. I go, hey, you coming? Let's go. And he goes, all these people like, oh, David Spade, he must have been so funny. I'm like, he wasn't funny. He's a fucking kind of an idiot. And I go, all right, I'm gonna get in the car if you guys want to meet there. And he just sat there and I was like, he couldn't wait to just say you, dude. And the other guys were all cool and. And you know, and those scenarios are kind of weird because you don't want to act like you're trying to big time. Because I do wear nine watches and they're all Rolexes. And I go, this is just what fucking people do. One time I did. I did have a leather jacket. And I went back to my old comedy club and it was $400. It was the most I've ever spent. And it looked like Fonzie. It was actually more like a dice one. And I thought it was so cool. And it was too big and it was too heavy, and I have a bad neck. And so I'm sort of hunched over and it's hurting me, but I have to be cool. So I walk in, I'm like, let's say. And everyone's like, nice Jack of dipshit. I'm like, everyone's changed. Yeah, I changed. And it was the only time that the guy changed and I was blaming everyone. I go, everyone's so weird. They can't deal with a $400 jacket. I was like, shut up.

[David Spade]

It was kind of funny. I was just in high school, I was just. No girls, nothing. We were in the track team and I knew like three people. 550 in my senior class 10 anthem. I didn't go, so it's the 20th and I'm at my peak. Wayne's World's out, everything's crazy. So I just kind of half joking. They got in contact me. I go, I Just, I want a helicopter, and I want to come in on the helicopter and come off the helicopter. I was kind of kidding, but sort of, so. But I ended up not going. And I found out that they hired someone to dress up as Garth. And then they're all in the gym, and, hey, you know, look, Wayne's world, Garth is here, and he did a little dance and stuff. That was for my 20th, but I wasn't there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that would be fucking. I wrote a joke, as you said that I was like, I was doing so good last year. I went to other people's high school reunions.

[Dana Carvey]

That's fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just for adult. The thing I love about our job, like, is like a. Like, just coming up with the dumbest fucking thing. And I was gonna do this bit I found, you know, the, you know, Q tips come in that blue little thing. I was gonna pull it out in the middle and just start cleaning my ears. Cause people do that with toothpicks all the time.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then go, oh, do you want. But I don't know why. I just love the idea that there's no. It's. My friends don't have that. My friends are married to a bunch of rules. Like, I got. It's. I can't text with, like, my old high school friends because, I don't know. There's not the freedom, you know?

[David Spade]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I don't know. It's like, I think when you're untethered to society and you can. And you can text wild to people.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you can't do that with everyone. Oh, you know, I have.

[Dana Carvey]

Someone told me to tone it down.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Because like, I say, like, we talked in high school, and they're like, dude, really? I got the kids here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Like, they reading your phone. Just don't read it out loud. What do you. You can handle this. You can handle it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

I've been on text changer, email change.

[Dana Carvey]

They're going sideways.

[David Spade]

They're going. I mean, you know, they're going really downtown. Really? Like, if this gets out, I'm in trouble.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Get off the chain.

[David Spade]

But I get it. When someone says the most foul thing you're not supposed to say, the joke is. Is that they're saying it. You know, it's like dead baby jokes in the. In the olden times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Todd Glass is the best. Have you ever.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My text from Todd Glass are my favorite texts.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the world.

[Dana Carvey]

I cannot tell you that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, this is the third time I've texted you. I swear To God, if you don't reply, I'm gonna come to your house, inject AIDS into you and light your house on fire and kill your fucking children. The next test, my bad. That was for my sister.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, he does leave good voicemails.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what he did last podcast? First of all, Todd Glass is the funniest man alive. Todd Glass and Mike Gibbons. You know Mike Gibbons?

[David Spade]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Given Mike Gibbons made me laugh yesterday harder than anyone's made me laugh. I was talking about how Frankenstein was a really long movie.

[Dana Carvey]

The new one.

[Bert Kreischer]

The new one. Have you seen it?

[David Spade]

Haven't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. And he goes, yeah, and you gotta watch the movie. But he goes, the first 10 minutes is great. Frankenstein's coming after Victor. And then Victor gets on this boat and then tells a fucking two hour story about his childhood. And he's like, why is captain going, talk about the fucking monster. What about the monster? But Todd Glass came to my house and he. First and foremost, he orchestrates your. Like, you're not having a podcast with him. He is running a podcast.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He brings a lantern, an oil filled lantern. He lights it, lowers the lights, burns upon pine cones. So it feels like we're camping. Lights are dark. Has my assistant hit the lights every now and then, so it feels like lightning turns the TV into a window. So we're looking. So he does a whole thing like, we're camping.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. He comes and stages it and at.

[Bert Kreischer]

The end I say, if you want anything edited out, let me know. And he goes, I'm gonna want things edited in. And then sent a list of things he wanted edited in. Can you edit this in to my fucking pot? No one watched it. No one watched the podcast because we didn't talk about, you know, fucking politics.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But God damn it, it was so funny.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Todd did the. We'd go on the road together and he would go. And we'd get to the green room. And he goes. And one was example, as you just talked about, what's outside of Chicago, Schomburg, Schaumburg, great club. And he goes, he goes, do you like it? We walk in, he goes, I want you to see the green room. And I go, oh. And I go, yeah, couch, chair. He goes, david, there was a fan back there. And I go, where is it? And he goes, well, I came before the show and set this whole. This is me. And I go, you fixed up the green room. And he goes, there was a like a rusty. It's so. It's just a bad look. And then dim the Lights. They didn't. They did. They weren't on dimmers. So he did. We got a little bit. We got some. And he did the whole thing. And I go, todd, I swear to God, I would not have noticed one thing. I'm glad you did it. No, this is a green room. We don't expect miracles. And then he does the same thing. Anything he does with me, he goes, call my phone. When he had a podcast, I don't know if he still does. He was one of the first.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was one of the first. It's the hardest I've ever left him and Roy Scoville reenacting the Red Fox intro with Billy Crystal. You ever heard that? Hold on. You had to have heard this. That's one.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that where.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. You know that. So hold on. I can't believe I'm telling you this story. So Billy Crystal is young and he's opening for Red Fox, and they're in Vegas.

[Dana Carvey]

I didn't think. I.

[David Spade]

Okay, but I want to hear it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes. They go, listen, Red's gambling and he's drinking, so he might be running late. You're need to stretch. If we need you, we'll let you know. So Billy Crystal does his 10 minutes, looks to the side. They're like, stretch. So he does 20 minutes, and they're like, stretch. At 45 minutes, they're still like stress. And he's like. People are getting up and leaving. He's in an hour and 15, there's maybe from the crowd of 600, there's 135 people. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe 75 people in there. And he looks to the side. And an hour feeding. They go, he's here. Wrap it up. So he's like, all right, ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour. The man you've been waiting to see. He's. You might know him from Sanford and Son. Ladies and gentlemen, Red Fox. And the band goes. Red Fox hit. Somebody goes, this. I ain't performing for 75 people. Walks off in the band goes.

[Dana Carvey]

They go, it. We're getting paid.

[David Spade]

They play the song on.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, they play the whole song on. And then they just go right into it. That's his closer.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's so many comics that are hilarious that.

[Dana Carvey]

That are funnier than all of us that are.

[Bert Kreischer]

That you don't.

[Dana Carvey]

Famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're not famous.

[David Spade]

Andy Kindler, remember him?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Do you remember he would do State of the Union. He would do State of the Union and comedy at. At Montreal.

[David Spade]

Yeah. And what was he?

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you explain it he would basically roast the state of comedy, right? And it was. And you would hope to be in it. You'd be hoped to be in it. And he'd just destroy. Ah, he hated Louis ck. He hated before allegations. He hated Louis CK and he'd quote his act, but everyone would show up to watch him roast comedy. That was the one time I went.

[Dana Carvey]

To Montreal and it didn't really pay off back then. It pays off now. Different things pay off now from different things get picked up.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is pro linebacker TJ Watt and I'm back with YPB by Abercrombie for another activewear drop. My second co design collection has new shorts and tanks that keep up with all my in season workouts. And their new Restore collection is a game changer off the field too, because even pro athletes like me need rest days. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in the app, online and in stores because your personal best is greater than anything. I was watching Kathleen Madigan special last night. It's so good. She is so talented. She's one of those people. My mom will send me clips of her. My mom's obsessed with Kathleen Madigan and her material is. She's just. I don't think enough young comics are working on finding their voice as opposed to getting clicks and selling tickets.

[Dana Carvey]

Just the wording, just the phrasing, just the way if you see a good comic and it's so thought out that it looks effortless and you go, oh my God. Just. It's like a song. You go, oh, that's exactly. Perfectly done. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like the Kathleen Madigan Jackie Cation is Jackie Cations. Her, she, her, her talking about her family when you. I love when a comic talks about their family and because you don't have to be related to that family to understand the thing. Kathy Madigan has a joke about going to Target with her Target with her mom and her saying she had a headache. And her mom pulls out a pill and she goes, here, take this. And then Kathleen takes it. She goes, wait, wait, not that one. She goes, mom, what did I just take? She goes, I don't know. What did it look like? She goes, I don't know, I took it. But like that developing your voice is the important part of comedy. It's not selling tickets and something tickets is important. But when you have like. And that's something that, that when I started was like, I just want to do it long enough to find my voice. You don't find your voice for like 10 years. I don't think you find your voice till you're 40. Yeah.

[David Spade]

I think authenticity now because social media, I think that's part of what your appeal is that people, they know you. They feel like they really know you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I overshared. I overshare. Like I way overshared.

[Dana Carvey]

Do you feel like you told.

[David Spade]

But isn't that party. I mean, it's being vulnerable like that.

[Dana Carvey]

I go like this.

[David Spade]

I think we know the answer because I saw. I watched the first bits on your last two specials, and one was you lost weight so you could see yourself getting blown. You were kind of disappointed. That was your opener.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was shocked.

[David Spade]

It's very, very.

[Bert Kreischer]

The first time I saw her suck my dick, I went, oh, this is.

[David Spade]

What you deal with.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is crazy.

[David Spade]

So I'm like, this guy's phenomenal. And then the other one, Razzle dazzle was about ass hair being all intertwined. That was your opener.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So, okay, one second with your clothes. We talk about. We talk about cheat codes.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I get them not to turn away.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I. More people should hear this. The first words out of your mouth.

[Dana Carvey]

TikTok. Don't let them skip this.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're talking algorithms. We're not talking about common. Don't let them.

[David Spade]

Don't give minute to minute.

[Dana Carvey]

Dude, when I did mine, I go, I don't want to do the walkout.

[David Spade]

Get.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm giving him a chance to get lost.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shout out to normal.

[David Spade]

You go, hello.

[Dana Carvey]

You walk it. They go, ladies and gentlemen. Or you just start. Start with a cold open. Anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can almost do the.

[Dana Carvey]

What did Norm do?

[Bert Kreischer]

They know you're almost do my. My opening jokes from all my specials. Secret time is I said, guys, we're just gonna get drunk and tell secrets. Secret time. Sometimes I drive my asshole on the bed. Secret time. Secret time. Sometimes I spit on the toilet paper. Why? My ass called Mississippi Wet wipe. Secret time. Those are the first two. Then it was secret time. I took a shit so big the other day and that I took his shit so bad the other day. I made the guy in the stall next to me throw up. And we were in Japan, so I thought he was talking to me. He was like.

[Dana Carvey]

But then people go, what is your overall point?

[David Spade]

I want to hear this, but I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Watch people do a three to five minute sketch. And I go, that's not why I'm here. No offense. Some are very good, some are very good. But I'm not there for the sketch. I want to see your stand up. I also don't give a fuck what city you filmed it in. I don't care about.

[Dana Carvey]

I can't tell.

[David Spade]

They don't care.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. You're not the biggest mistake. I watched. And by the way, I watch everyone's fucking special. I mean, I watch every special because I want to see what's happening and what people are doing because I don't want to do the same shit. I've watched people put talk about the city they're in. I love this city. This is a great city. You're not making the special for the people in the room, you're making it for the people there.

[David Spade]

Right?

[Dana Carvey]

I said Denver. Because I said Denver. Such a loser. I said, I did a joke and then I said Denver. I said, it's true about the altitude. Does it make you pee? Because last night I peed so far I couldn't clear the bed. It was something. What did I say what? It was some.

[David Spade]

The bed. You peed into the bathroom.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, I said, if the altitude makes you pee. Because whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I do what I.

[Dana Carvey]

What I've done, it wasn't even that funny. I couldn't make sense. But it was just a joke. But you didn't really have to know the city. But a lot of people do five minutes on the city, and I'm like, we're not here for the crowd work of the city.

[Bert Kreischer]

The crowd work? Yeah. You can like what I've done. I. I did this in Cleveland on Hey, Big Boy on these specials. Razzle dazzle. Hey, Big Boy is a great one. Hold on, hold on. I might call my next special Rootin Tootin Rudin.

[David Spade]

Tootin is great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tootin is fucking brilliant. Yeah, That's a great title.

[David Spade]

You got beer cans in your holster.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is fucking hysterical. What I've done sometimes is because, like, in Cleveland, for whatever reason, my opening joke, and I can't remember what it is right now, but wasn't popping the way I wanted.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, Cleveland.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what? I. But I knew the joke was funny, but for some reason it wasn't working. So I went out and I made a joke about Cleveland. I edited it out and then started with that first joke. And it worked. Yeah, and it was a. It was a. It's a city joke. I go, cleveland. You gotta love a city like Cleveland where the people in the city define this city. There's no cities like that where they make up this city and they start cheering. I go, no. I mean, there's a couple. You've got Rwanda, Belfast. But. But yeah, and then the other thing is, like, you know, I don't know. I've. I've watched. I've just watched enough specials, like, the best. Dave Chappelle's my favorite.

[David Spade]

I was going to ask you who you think is the current goat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dave Chappelle, in my opinion, is. He does zero wrong, in my opinion.

[Dana Carvey]

I.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I know that that's. Not. Everyone agrees with that, you know, but, like, zero wrong. When he. He told the joke about hanging out with Jim Carrey on Man on the Moon. You've heard that?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes. He goes, that's what I feel like when I talk to character.

[Dana Carvey]

He kind of faded out there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Trans people.

[Dana Carvey]

There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

That joke is brilliant. His kicker in the pussy joke is my favorite joke I've ever heard. Is what Kicker in the pussy. He goes, I'm so dope. He goes, I don't even need to do this. I'm so dope. I challenge myself. I have a fishbowl and I pull it out sometimes and I just read the punchline. And then I gotta write a joke about it. I pulled out this morning and said, kick her in the pussy. And then he misdirects, goes into a story about growing up around white people and what it's like to eat dinner at a white person's house. And they're making Hamburger Helper. And then, david, I need you to set the table. He goes into the bathroom, he doesn't want to set the table. The mom opens the door and goes, david, I apologize, but if you're not going to help, then you can't eat it. And he goes, they were talking about Hamburger Helper, so I kicked her in the pussy. I told you. And, like, it's my favorite. I like. Right before I did Lucky.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that another one?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there's another one. Right before I did Lucky.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, yo, I was with Chappelle in Ohio, and we're partying, we're having a good time. We're just talking shit. It's just me and him and, like, maybe Tony woods might have been there and like, some other, like, a couple comments, touring with me, and we're just bullshitting. And I go, hey, man, I hate that I'm gonna do this to you, but, like, I gotta talk comedy. I was like, you're my opinion the greatest ever do it. I was like, give me the secret to how you make a special. And he, like, looks around, lights a cigarette. He's like, all right, here we go. And I'm like, oh, boy. And I just sat there and I was like, oh, my God. And so when I shot Lucky, I did six. I shot six. I shot six shows.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, you did six.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I do. I do. Eight if I could. I do.

[David Spade]

I was gonna ask you about that too, because I think it is an advantage, because then you're not really shooting a special in a way, you're just doing another set. But if you've ever done one where you had one night only, one time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Only, that stress I had in. When I did Secret Time, I did two shows, okay? And by the way, I had sold six at the truck, but, you know, it was two shows. It's a. I'll give you all the real numbers. So.

[Dana Carvey]

Because I think this is expensive to shoot a couple.

[Bert Kreischer]

$325,000 at the time to shoot to. To shoot Lucky. I spend way more now on a special. But it was $325,350,000 to shoot Secret.

[Dana Carvey]

Time was that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

One night.

[Dana Carvey]

One night, two shows, One night, two shows.

[Bert Kreischer]

First show, the power goes out. They have to hold the audience outside. A thunderstorm rolls in. They're soaking wet, the beer thing clogs up, and they're miserable. And we're in Philadelphia, and I fucking bomb. With a fine tuned. I bomb. I mean, to the point where at one point I was walking and I stepped on the mic cord and I pulled the mic away from my mouth, like I went. And the punchline's this. And I went, God damn it.

[Dana Carvey]

Right at the punchline.

[Bert Kreischer]

And my wife is always executive produces everything I do because she's pretty intimate with my material. And I told her, I said, any flubs, just write them down. I'm sitting in the green room after that first show with my producer, Tony Hernandez, who's like, hey, we got one in the can. There's a lot of good stuff.

[Dana Carvey]

That's the first thing they always say.

[David Spade]

Oh, they always say, this is great. You're playing with house money. You got.

[Dana Carvey]

You got this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne walks in and goes, I go, were there any flubs? She goes, honey, that was shit.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know what to tell you.

[Dana Carvey]

Unusable.

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes, you know, because I've always. I love pressure. I love pressure. I love pressure. And she goes, you always say you like pressure. Well, big boy, it's on you now. You better. You better not fuck up this next one. And my buddy Tony's like, Jesus Christ. He's like, you want to do a. Should we do a shot? I don't ever really drink before I go on stage. Like, I never. I mean, I have, but I don't especially. I'm doing a special special. So I was like, no. And then Tony is like. He goes, maybe we should get, like, a cup of coffee. So I get a cup of coffee, I go out, and I do the second show. And I have. What I can only say is I can quantify it as one of the five best sets of my life. And I walked away, and I was like, I will never do two shows again. I will never do two shows.

[Dana Carvey]

Too much stress.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go to the next one. I say, Tony, what does four shows cost? He does the math. He goes, 50 grand more. I went, what?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've already got all the fucking shit.

[Dana Carvey]

Just, like, housing everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he was 15 or more. I go, Cleveland, shooting. Shoot. Let's shoot four in Cleveland for Hey, big boy. And they're like, great. We do four. One of the shows. I have mustard on my pants, right?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, you can't use it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, who the.

[David Spade]

That's the name of your.

[Dana Carvey]

No one told you about matching.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one told me. I go, well, how did I get mustard in my pants? Leanne's like, you said you wanted hot dogs. And I was like, but why wouldn't.

[Dana Carvey]

Because it was on your dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And. And then. And my. And like. So I go, and. And by the way, I bomb the first. What you don't realize. And when you shoot a special, and this is, like, really in the weeds, that first show you do is kind of unusable, meaning all the cameramen and the director haven't seen the hour. They don't know what they're shooting. The second show, they're kind of dialed in a little more by the third show. So that real fourth show, everyone, it's like, rehearsal. Yeah, it's rehearsal. So then the next year, I go, I'm doing fucking six shows. I think I did four for Razzle Dazzle maybe, but I did six for Lucky. I go, I'm doing six. And I'll tell you, six is too much.

[Dana Carvey]

Too much stress.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got it perfect. But the best thing about doing six is I applied what Dave told me to the last two. And those last two shows. That's all we used to show. And what did he say without. You know, I'm sure Dave would share this with anyone if he told it to me. He said, let it. Let it. Let it be in the air. Let it. Don't try to dial it in to make it this. Let it be in the air. And allow those moments, like in a comedy club, like Those explosive moments to happen and let yourself find them. I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but he was saying, don't be married to it. Let it exist. And what happened is I did, you know, pretty much the exact same show four times almost within, you know. And then those last two nights, I'd gotten it, and we were sitting at the bar, and my wife's like, you got it. It's done. We don't need these two shows. And my buddy Tony said, hey, man, there's two stories I haven't heard you tell that I'd love to hear you tell. I know you can tell.

[Dana Carvey]

Just why not?

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, you should do those on this next show. One was the Snoop Dogg story, and one was about my dog getting. Putting our dog down. And so I threw them in and I changed up things. And those two shows, I mean, the things I thought were the Closers, never were the Closers, but everything, you know? Yeah. So doing six shows, I benefited from it. I'd like to do six for the next special. I don't know, but I'm not doing that until 2027.

[David Spade]

Yeah, well, you get rid of the tight eyes. Because I've seen even really good. I've done a special. Same thing. I had one show, and it was just tight, and I felt like I had to get through my outline. Now, if you're in a club of 300 people and you do what Chappelle's saying to do when you're shooting your special.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

You tag things. Oh, we'll just stay here for a while. Oh, you like this story. And with me, if I'm doing, you know, Joe Biden, if they're digging it, I'll just go for 20 minutes or 10 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

But if I'm shooting a special, I feel like. So, I mean.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. And you have a set list on them.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I write it on.

[Bert Kreischer]

I write. I have. I'm really ocd. I write it on my stool.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I keep the stool heads from all my specials.

[Dana Carvey]

You on the stool? I write it on paper.

[David Spade]

You keep it.

[Dana Carvey]

It.

[Bert Kreischer]

I write. Write it in a. On. In a paint pen, in silver on the stools. And I name the special.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, that's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I put my set list on.

[Dana Carvey]

The stool that should be your.

[David Spade]

Where are these stools?

[Bert Kreischer]

In a garage?

[Dana Carvey]

I know where mine are. All right, before Bert goes, ask him as a show.

[David Spade]

Very Free Bird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it Free Bird?

[David Spade]

Yeah, Free Bert on Netflix. And this is like a single camera, half hour, single camera, kind of, like, tires, then?

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot like tires, Yeah. I mean, not. Not actually.

[Dana Carvey]

Not with tires.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's probably not as funny.

[David Spade]

About that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, tires is.

[David Spade]

And what's the byline on Free Bird?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was the story. It's really just fish out of water. It's. It's really about when I. About how I've always felt about myself is I am this big, loud personality, and sometimes I try to conform and fit in, and whenever I do, I very much fuck up. And it's pulled from our direct lives, meaning I. Within the first episode, I go on a podcast and I say something very inappropriate about my daughters. Like, with Isla, we were going to use this, but it was. But I. It already happened. And it's. But Isla, I talked about when she got her period on Conan, and, like, she. Because she threw herself a period party.

[Dana Carvey]

What was she doing on Conan?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was backstage at Conan and Conan's, like, how are the girls? And I go, oh, good. Isla just got her period. And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah. I said, she threw herself a period party. He goes, what's that? I go, they all dress in red, and we have a red velvet cake, and she names her period, and we put it on the cake, and they drink Kool Aid and eat pasta with red sauce. And he's like, are you fucking serious? And I go, yeah. And they invite two boys, and they don't tell them why they're there. And then the boys are like, what the fuck? You know? And he's like, what did she name her period? I said, jason, she got on Friday the 13th. He's like, well, can we talk about this? I go, yeah, yeah. You know, you just. Every one of us want to make someone happy, you just say yes.

[David Spade]

And yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I tell the period. It ended up becoming a bit on a special that I did by telling on Conan. And that night, I'm on there, I'm flying on the road, and Isla's watching Conan with Leanne. And I was like. He's like, so, how's. How are your girls doing? I go, good. I go, isla just got her period. And she hits pause. She goes, she's like, 10 years, 12 years old. She goes, yo, do a lot of people watch this? And my wife's like, yeah. She was like, did. What's he gonna say? She's like, I don't know. And then she watched it, and she was like. She was like, yo, yo. And then the next morning, my inbox was flooded. It was all little girls writing in to say, hey, thank you for sharing that story. I've been freaked out about getting my period. Now we're throwing a period party. Isla became this, like, fucking feminist hero. So she was cool with it. But that is. The premise in this show is I go in, I'd make a joke about my daughter Georgia, and it fucks her up at school. And then I try to write that boat, and I just make things way worse. And it's. And it's all, you know. You know, I don't. You guys probably never experienced this, but, like, when you're a struggling comic with kids at a school where all the parents are execs and agents, and you just really feel like you don't belong. I remember. I remember. This is how I remember. Billy Crudup was at our school.

[David Spade]

And also we had him on his podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he was at our school, and he was dating Claire Danes. He was married. He had been married to, like, some lady who's very famous. And they had a kid, and their kid was at our school. Nia Vardalos, Jay Shandasekar, Fred Savage. They're all the kids right at our school. And Billy caught up in Claire day and start dating. And we have a big picnic for the end of the year, and one of the parents took pictures of them and sold them to the Inquirer. Where to tmz. And they came to me, and they're like, the Prince. Yo. Did you take pictures of Billy Crudup and Claire Daniel's? Maybe. They go, you had a camera. I go, yeah, I'm a dad. I take pictures of my kid. And they're like, yeah, well, someone sold it for money. And I mean, we're looking around because I was broke, and I was like.

[David Spade]

They wanted you to find their.

[Dana Carvey]

Excuse me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Accused me of taking. And I liked Billy Crudup a lot.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he was the coolest guy to me out of that. All the people school. I would never. That guy over.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, I was. But that when you're that much of an outsider, that they think that you would take pictures of people.

[Dana Carvey]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

To sell them. That's a little bit what this has. Because, like, I was an outsider, and I'm. I'm a guy who takes a shirt off. I drink a lot. I. You know, like, people would say stuff to me at, like, school, like, well, Bert. We should have Bert host the silent auction. And they're like, like, is he gonna take a shot up, get hammered? And, like. And you're like, guys, I'm not the fucking. So like, that's. That's the premise is fish out of water.

[David Spade]

Sounds good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's good. I'm really happy with it.

[Dana Carvey]

When does it start?

[Bert Kreischer]

Starts January 22nd. And done. The. The girl. The girls that play my daughters kind of steal it a little bit. And they're so talented. Arden. Arden Marine is my wife. And then we have this great cast of. Great cast of dudes.

[David Spade]

Who is the woman you showed us?

[Dana Carvey]

The young Ava Ryan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ava Ryan is. She plays Georgia. And this little girl, Lilu is. Is Ayla. And this kid is, I'm telling you, untethered. Like she is. She is. She walked into the audition, her first audition ever walked in and she goes, which one's Judd Aptel?

[David Spade]

That's a joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

And no, I thought she was.

[David Spade]

She just heard about Judge.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, because he was originally. He was attached as a producer.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he. He left the project because I think he just changed up his career. And he was like, I'm doing other things, whatever. I don't know. But he. He was like, I am. She goes, okay, my brothers are fans of yours. All right, how do we do this? And I was like, just come over here. And she was like, bert. And I was like, hey. She goes, I like this guy. All right, what are we doing? I mean, just how old is she? There's.

[David Spade]

At the time, there's.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's. I don't know, she's got to be like 8, no, 10. She said. She said we had this scene. I mean, like, I don't want to. I won't give away too much. There's a scene where I fuck things up at dinner table and. And everyone leaves. And it's just me and her. And it's awkward. It should be like. And cut. And this kid decided to go on a fucking rant, Like a pump up speech to me. And there were so many versions of a little. A child getting in my face. Going to let those motherfuckers change. You don't let anyone fucking change. When you fight a bull, do you run away from it? And I'm like, yeah. She goes, no, you run right the fuck out.

[David Spade]

You're just improvising the audience.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, sitting there watching this kid. And they said, can I have a sip of your beer? I go, no, who the fuck are you? She just is like. She's just a real spirit. And she. I mean, her improvs were so funny that we kept the vast majority of them in. I mean, she is. She has one improv that I can't really tell because it would give away so much. She has one improv that I didn't even know she did that. I was. As I was watching the final episode, I fell off the treadmill laughing. I fell off the treadmill laughing. This kid is so. And Ava is so Ava. The whole story rides on Ava. So she carries it on her shoulders, the whole story. And the kids are incredible. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a cool experience. I do more. I do more in a heartbeat.

[Dana Carvey]

How many you do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Six. Okay, six. And I like acting. I never thought I'd. I liked acting when I did the Machine, but, like, I. I really enjoyed it. I enjoy it a lot.

[David Spade]

Well, this is my last. Well, last question. The Machine, like, because people do indie films, want to do indie films, comedians want to put them together. You have a period of time away from it. It seemed like it was a big success. But what did you learn from it? Like, if you did a second one, how would you do it different? If anything, I would make it shorter. The film.

[Bert Kreischer]

The film entirely. I would make it shorter. That's the number one thing. It was. I think it was like. I think it was like two hours, maybe. I don't know. I think it was long. I make it shorter. I make it for less money.

[David Spade]

And how would you save that money? Just by being more economical with the cameras and stuff?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wildly. I would. Right now, I think. Okay, this is a big question. I think movies are gonna die. I think if Netflix buys Warner Brothers, we can say goodbye to movies in general. In the future, movies will be like, the way people listen to vinyl records.

[Dana Carvey]

Why? Are they too expensive?

[David Spade]

What will subs.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're too expensive, and there's no way to make money off them. And. And to be honest with you, you could do a reality. Me and you could host a reality show for Netflix, like a reality competition show, the Fattest Baker.

[Dana Carvey]

And it'll do better.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'll. It'll be. It'll be so much more economically fine. And me and you will make a ton of money. If me and you go to Netflix to make a movie, we'll maybe make $300,000 each.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, it's hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And then all the money's gonna go into the budget. There's no back end anymore. You don't get points on anything because you're on streamers.

[Dana Carvey]

You don't. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I gotta be honest with you, David. If I saw this kid, they were building a fort, these four kids, they were in a tree and they're building a fort, and one kid fell out of the tree and knocked the wind out of him. And I laughed for. I watched it up maybe 20 times and I laughed for a solid 20 minutes. Me and you could not make anything funnier than that. Than a child falling out of a tree. It's the fucking hardest I've ever laughed. So in order to do a movie.

[Dana Carvey]

You mean reality and things that are cheap and things that are real.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I know people are getting upset right now going, hold on, don't say that. No, but you changed it. I hate to say this. The person watching this, you and me were all complicit. We stopped going to movie theaters. So. And that's where the money's made. That's where they make money on a movie, is in the movie theaters. We stopped going to movie theaters. I went, I saw. I had every intention of seeing Leonardo DiCaprio's new movie Battle after Another. Every intention of seeing the movie theaters. I didn't. I could have.

[David Spade]

When's the last big comedy that made a lot of money in theaters? I've never, I haven't seen a long time. I think the last mega one was Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey. Like mega. Yeah, that's going on. Hangovers did well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hangover did hangover.

[David Spade]

That was 2012, 2013. But. But in the last 10 years. I know what you mean. And it is also the conceit of funny people in a movie. You're already kind of behind the eight ball a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

If it happens by accident. I find myself laughing at Christoph Waltz in glorious Basterds. Was hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

You know, and Django Unchained. But yeah, comedy's tricky that way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Comedy's tricky. And, and listen, I, I was talking to a company that's like, you know, figuring out $10 million for movies. So every movie is going to be roughly like, you know, 2.5 around there.

[Dana Carvey]

That's tough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Am I right?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now for $10 million, you can do six episodes of a TV show.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. So. All right, so then we get six different things we can put out there. The streamer. I think. I just think, I think things are changing so quickly right now that like, I don't know if they're ever. They're not. I will never be a part of another 35 million dollar movie. I doubt unless I get cast in something like. It's just. There's not, there's no way to make that money back.

[Dana Carvey]

That is a big budget.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a crazy budget. And you look at like Frankenstein was $150 million and, and it was on Netflix.

[Dana Carvey]

Maybe it's making Netflix.

[David Spade]

I don't even know.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know how it works.

[David Spade]

But yeah, Netflix has a lot of money.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also we have this weird ability where we can talk for one hour and maintain an audience, which is what you'd want to do in a movie. Right. And we can also make a ton of money for doing it on Netflix. So part of me is like, my dad used to go, don't think because you're good at one thing, you're good at everything don't stink because you're good at comedy. You should open a restaurant or you should, you know. He goes, stick with what you're good at. So I'm good at stand up. So I'll just keep doing specials until they want me to not do special. But even specials are fucking tough because you look at YouTube and YouTube, they're just as competitive as Netflix.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, just Release them on YouTube.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's when. When I did Secret Time, there was maybe I'm gonna. I'm gonna be generous. Maybe 57 specials released that year. Right. That's how many. Think about it. Right? Netflix.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

More than one a week.

[David Spade]

Amazon prime, it was one a week.

[Dana Carvey]

How do they.

[Bert Kreischer]

One a week? And then some other people release it on YouTube, but not a lot. Maybe seven people on YouTube.

[Dana Carvey]

Gotta give.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So. So it was easy to at least get your head above water with. With a special. And then next year there was, you know, let's say there's 70. When I released Lucky, I'm guessing there were a thousand specials released that year.

[David Spade]

Between all of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Am I right?

[David Spade]

Yeah. The all ecosystem and releasing it on YouTube.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so to stand out is so tough that, like when I release Rootin Tootin, there's gonna be.

[David Spade]

Or Rackham.

[Dana Carvey]

Rackham.

[Bert Kreischer]

There will be. There will be easily probably 3,000 specials released that. That. Yeah, that year. And so. So, yeah, I don't know. I'm really fascinated to see what happens with this business.

[David Spade]

Yeah, your mind is amazing, the way you process show business. Let's just for a second, right as we mic drop this, you've got your half hour show on Netflix. You've got a current special and then many other on Netflix. You've got your tours starting up, gonna go to Europe, playing a lot of arenas and, you know, the Wisconsin center, like big rooms. What else? What else? You have your cooking show and you and Tom still have two. And you also have the bird cast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Jesus.

[David Spade]

Okay. Am I missing anything behind me?

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know. You're remembering everything.

[David Spade]

I don't know. I just kind of going through my head. But it's amazing. I just say you're a force of nature. It's really remarkable to watch Free Bird, you know, Free Bird, and you're having so much fun with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it. I'm the happiest person alive. I meant you might be. I will. You know, I thought I. I. Tim Dylan one time said to me I was having an anxiety attack. And Tim goes, why? It never gets better than today. I said, what are you talking about? He goes, hey, buddy, no one's told you to quit drinking. You're never supposed to make this much money. Your wife loves you, your kids love you, your parents still alive, your sisters are doing great. Everything. Today is the greatest. You'd kill for this. Today's the greatest day of your life. You got a TV show coming out, you got movies lined up. I don't ever need to work again. I got all the watches I need. I don't care about cars. Like, holy shit, today is the greatest day I'm ever gonna have. Tomorrow could just get worse. Today is fucking awesome.

[David Spade]

Very wise.

[Dana Carvey]

Ten years ago, very wise, you would take this deal. It's beyond anything you think of 10.

[Bert Kreischer]

Years ago, if you had said, hey, let me tell you your life. You're gonna. First of all, you're gonna hang out with Dana Carvey and Davis paid for the afternoon. Okay? That's number one.

[Dana Carvey]

You're in.

[Bert Kreischer]

But they're gonna talk about the project that you're doing for Netflix. They gave you a ton of money to make a TV show, and you'll be working doing arenas while you're working on tour. And just so you know, every fucking Thursday, this black guy's gonna come in a room and you in the ass. Now, you're not gonna like that. You're not gonna like it, but every Thursday, you got that. But you get all that other stuff. I go, I'm in. I'm in. I'll take the black guy, too.

[Dana Carvey]

Glad.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna make him black.

[David Spade]

It's all right. It's size 2025.

[Dana Carvey]

Thank you, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app, Give us review 5 star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.

[David Spade]

If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now.

[Dana Carvey]

Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey and executive produced by Danny Carvey. And David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

[David Spade]

Our senior producer is Greg Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet.

[Dana Carvey]

Tech booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

[David Spade]

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney and Lauren Vieira.

[Dana Carvey]

Reach out with us. Any questions be asked and answered on the show, we will can email [e-mail] that's a U-A C-Y dot com.