Coachella + Drunk College Stories

Summary

---

Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade

Episode: Coachella + Drunk College Stories

Release Date: April 20, 2026
Hosts: Dana Carvey, David Spade

Episode Overview

This episode is a classic, freewheeling riff fest between Dana Carvey and David Spade where they tackle the absurdities of music festivals (especially Coachella), drop wild college stories, test out new material, banter about stand-up, and perform comedy impressions and sketches. The tone is irreverent, playful, and a bit chaotic. Along the way, the hosts offer their takes on pop culture moments (from Justin Bieber's performance to viral yodeling), swap stories about drunk escapades and bad roommates, and finish with segments like “Buzzing Around”—blending observational comedy with meta-podcast self-deprecation.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coachella: The Ultimate Comedy Target (06:07 – 17:18, 15:35)

• Dana takes aim at the modern festival experience, riffing on the discomforts of deserts, crowds, “adolescent drugged-out kids,” and sky-high snack prices. He jokes about watching “gods on stage” just playing YouTube videos.
  • “The very idea of going to the desert to watch 10,000 adolescent drugged out kids pee their pants and worship their God on the stage who's only playing YouTube videos is not my idea. Fun. Did I get that right?” — Dana Carvey (06:14)
• David dryly stacks on quips about $54 Tootsie Rolls and pooping dirt clods for two weeks after Coachella.
  • “You know, I like to pay $54 for a Tootsie Roll.” — David Spade (06:52)
• Satirical dirt on OnlyFans in porta-potties (“I always envy people that do OnlyFans in the outhouse…” — David, 07:24) and new levels of “lo-fi” performances by Bieber, who simply played old YouTube videos of himself on stage.
  • “I kind of liked Bieber’s lo-fi approach, but a lot of people didn’t like it.” — Spade (16:13)

2. Stand-up Comedy: Clubs vs. Theaters (08:43 – 11:51)

• The guys discuss trying new material at venues, how comics judge each other, and the pressure of having famous comedians in the room. Dana jokes about bombing with a “Sears Roebuck” childhood bit and imagines Bill Burr’s savage backstage commentary.
  • “You’ve got the biggest stars in show business around. I’m gonna try out this chunk about going to Sears Roebuck with my dad as a kid. Five minutes of silence and then face full Bill Burr backstage: What the was that?” — Dana Carvey (09:22)
• Spade tells a story about getting the hiccups on stage and having to cede his set to Bill Burr, who eviscerates him.
  • “He comes up, he goes, in all my years, this guy’s got the hiccups. I gotta go on, because the guy’s got the hiccups. I was like the worst guy to follow to just sit there and rip me an asshole.” — Spade (10:33)
• Dana riffs that “Isn’t that special?” was once considered cool, poking fun at the shelf-life of catchphrases.

3. Pop Culture Rapid Fire: WNBA, Bieber, and Sabrina Carpenter (14:08 – 19:47)

• Faux confusion about the WNBA draft ("The first three picks were women. I was like, okay, good luck..." – Spade, 14:44) segues into intentionally bad setup/punchline bits.
• Extended riff on Sabrina Carpenter and viral controversies: Spade explains how Carpenter stopped her Coachella performance to address a “yodeler” in the audience, with the duo debating crowd etiquette and fake cancellation outrage.
  • “Even if it’s supportive—it’s like, I don’t bring my supportive air horn to shows.” — Spade (19:27)
  • “Let’s quit throwing around canceled for whatever the fuck happens. Should we ruin her life for this?” — Spade (20:11)
• Absurdist proposals about replacing yodelers with “loud typewriters” at concerts.

4. College & Drunk Stories: Roommates, Frats, Arrests (27:40 – 34:18)

• David plugs Sadie Sandler’s new Netflix movie “Roommates” as an old-school college comedy (27:40).
• Dorm and roommate tales: Dana recalls a story where his roommate misheard “comedian” as “communist.” David follows with a misadventure: arrested for drunk driving 200 yards on campus after a party, then learning the outstanding warrant was actually his brother’s fault (31:33).
  • “I got a little juiced…drove 100 ft out of the 200. I get pulled over…cop throws me in handcuffs...he goes, you have three unpaid speeding tickets…my brother Andy signed them.” — Spade (31:01-31:33)
• The culture of fraternity hazing—“paprika in your hair, make you drink”—and the bait-and-switch from being treated as “the guy” to a “pledge scrub” (33:10–33:50).
• Dana’s dry commentary and satire on Greek life and being “so bamboozled, man.”

5. Impressions, Skits, and “Buzzing Around” (38:18 – 43:39)

• In their “Buzzing Around” sketch (sponsored by 5 Hour Energy), Dana resuscitates Hans & Franz, imagining a scenario where they appear before Congress to explain how their pumped-up “buttocks” could block the Strait of Hormuz.
  • “What we would do is...do a thousand squats and the buttocks get so, so pumped up...and then Hans and Franz sit down in the Strait of Hormuz and displace the water...no ships could get past us.” — Dana as Hans & Franz (39:36–40:41)
  • The impression of Senator John Kennedy and Piers Morgan grilling them is classic Dana, blending absurd politics and SNL throwbacks.

6. “Buzzing Around” Pop Culture Segment: Viral Clips & Commentary (43:57 – 53:34)

• The duo reacts to skiing videos: “Not fun”—Dana; “Nope, could not do it”—Spade, as a skier nearly wipes out on a dangerous cliff (44:01–45:12).
• They riff on a terrifyingly lifelike robot and imagine horror scenarios: “If they turned their skin inside out, I wouldn’t like it.”—Spade (49:11).
• Discussion about scorpion seasons in Arizona, prompting “Cancel my trip to Arizona” jokes (50:05).
• Meta-takes on progressive recasting (nonbinary characters in a Malcolm in the Middle reboot; “Colonel They Them” in Apocalypse Now, 50:16–51:11).
• Movie lover’s nostalgia: the Oscars, Tootsie, Godfather, and a love for big “historical epics.” Brief Christopher Nolan preview: “I’m always going to see a movie of his”—Dana (53:42).

7. Tech, News, and Laser Fears (54:16 – 56:34)

• They marvel at a homemade laser video burning up objects, riff on “invisible” military tech, and Spade jokes about laser-proofing his house (54:16).

8. Finishing with Absurdity and Friendly Roast (57:00 – 58:57)

• They close with reactions to a kung-fu-style nail hammering video (“That guy should be in a kung fu movie”—Dana, 57:27), puppet jokes, and self-deprecating banter about trending hairdos and noisy podcasting.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Coachella Takedown:
  “The very idea of going to the desert to watch 10,000 adolescent drugged out kids pee their pants and worship their God on the stage who's only playing YouTube videos is not my idea. Fun.” — Dana Carvey (06:14)

• On Stand-up Anxiety:
  “I'm gonna try out this chunk about going to Sears Roebuck with my dad as a kid. Five minutes of silence and then face full Bill Burr backstage: What the was that?” — Dana Carvey (09:22)

• On “Cancel Culture” Drama:
  “Let’s quit throwing around canceled for whatever the fuck happens. Should we ruin her life for this?” — David Spade (20:11)

• College Roommate Misunderstandings:
  “So at the end, he goes, ‘and so what do you say you do again?’ … I said, and I guess I was muffled in the pillow, ‘I'm a comedian.’ … Later on … he said, ‘so how long have you been a communist?’” — Dana Carvey (28:16–28:57)

• Hans & Franz Fillibuster:
  “We do a thousand squats and the buttocks get so, so pumped up. … We sit down in the Strait of Hormuz and displace the water and no ships could get past us.” — Dana Carvey as Hans & Franz (39:36–40:41)

• On Fraternity Hazing:
  “You’re the greatest guy in the world. … For starters, you’re not the greatest guy in the world. … I was so bamboozled, man.” — David Spade (33:49–34:07)

---

Timestamps for Essential Segments

• 06:14 – Dana’s Epic Rant on Coachella
• 09:22 – Stand-up Bombing and Bill Burr
• 10:33 – Hiccups on Stage Story
• 16:13 – Justin Bieber’s Coachella Lo-fi Set
• 19:27 – Sabrina Carpenter, Yodelgate & “Cancel” Culture
• 27:40 – “Roommates” Movie Plug (Sadie Sandler)
• 28:16 – Dana’s Communist/Comedian Roommate Story
• 31:01 – David’s Drunk College Arrest Story
• 39:36–41:14 – Hans & Franz Congress/Strait of Hormuz Skit
• 44:01 – Insane Skiing Video Reaction
• 50:16 – Scorpion Season Arizona/Bizarre News
• 53:42 – Nolan’s Ulysses/Odyssey Movie Teaser
• 54:16 – Homemade Laser Fears
• 57:27 – Kung Fu Nail Hammerer
• 58:44 – “Full Show” Sign-off and Laughs About Podcast Clickbait

---

Style, Tone, Delivery

• Heavy on improv, tangents, and callback jokes.
• Impersonations and sketch bits interspersed with real stories.
• Affectionate ribbing—Dana and David roast each other continually.
• Swings from dry sarcasm (Spade) to manic, oddball energy (Carvey).

---

For the Uninitiated

This episode encapsulates the “hang out” vibe Fly on the Wall is beloved for, with the hosts gleefully tripping from one absurd riff to another. You’ll get:

• Comedy insider talk—how bits develop, the agony of stand-up, green room politics.
• Ridiculous pop culture takes—festivals, music, movies, and viral weirdness.
• Classic SNL-style sketch improv (Hans & Franz).
• True college misadventures—arrests, roommate confusion, frat house bullying.
• Meta-podcasting, self-mockery (“People won’t even click, just watch the clips…”)

Best for listeners who love:

• Podcast comedy as a fast-paced, joke-dense conversation
• Nostalgic and current references delivered with irreverence
• A mix of inside-industry anecdotes and absurdist banter

---

Listen If You Want

• A laugh-packed, meandering ride through showbiz and pop culture
• A taste of what SNL alumni do when left alone with microphones
• Observational, confessional, and high-energy comedy with classic chemistry

---

Transcript

[David Spade]

You know we're supported by Ring. Everyone knows Ring. With Ring, it's protected. Look, a lot of our shopping happens online. An alarming amount, an embarrassing amount. I'm talking everything from late night snack hauls to random gadgets we absolutely don't need. But some have to have. And when you're recording or just out and about, the last thing you want to be wondering is, did my package get delivered or adopted by someone else? That's where Ring comes in. The battery doorbell lets you keep track of packages and actually see what's happening at your front door. No guessing, no stress. And if you want to really level your setup, the outdoor Cam plus has a wide field of view with that crisp retinal 2K video. So even at night, your yard isn't getting away with anything.

[Dana Carvey]

You can even upgrade to 4K cameras and doorbells with rings, retinal vision, which means super clear footage and the ability to zoom in without everything turning into a blur. Perfect for identifying whether that's your package or your neighbor pretending it's theirs.

[David Spade]

For me, it's just peace of mind. Whether it's packages, the yard, keeping an eye on things when you're busy, your dog, whatever. Ring makes it easy and reliable. Your door, your yard, your home. Honestly, it's the only way I know what I panic. Bought at 2am and with ring, it's protected shop cameras, doorbells, and more right [e-mail]. so lately I've been trying to be more intentional with my wardrobe, if you know what that means.

[Dana Carvey]

I like that. Yeah.

[David Spade]

Choosing pieces that are comfortable enough for everyday life but still feel put together with not a lot of effort. You know, it's made getting dressed way easier. Especially in the mornings when I don't want to think. Quince has been really my go to for that balance. Their spring staples are exactly. I've been reaching for like 100% European linen shorts, very light. And shirts starting around 34 bucks. That's not a lot. They're lightweight, breathable, still look clean and elevated. They're 100% Pima cotton tees are unbelievably soft, the kind you immediately notice the first time you wear them. And the pants that have that same easy feel, but you still look polished enough to do pretty much anything, right.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. You know, what stands out to me the most is the value. Everything is typically 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they cut out middlemen and work directly with ethical factories. You know, I recently wore one of their linen shirts on a weekend outing. Looked pretty Good. And I kept thinking about how it looks way more expensive than it is. Yeah. Refresh your every day with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com fly for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com fly for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Quince.com fly this one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you looking at me.

[David Spade]

Yeah. I go, not much.

[Dana Carvey]

What the.

[David Spade]

Was that a joke about pickles?

[Dana Carvey]

What the. Doing up there? Playing around, shuffling around, looking at your notes.

[David Spade]

I went into my dorm at the SAE house and two twin beds and the guys. Yeah, no, here. I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird. I said, yeah. Should we this one and sleep in this one or what should we do?

[Dana Carvey]

What are you looking at?

[David Spade]

Do you know what you're looking at? Is it a rhetorical question?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. This one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you looking at me.

[David Spade]

Yeah. I go, not much.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm trying to figure it out.

[David Spade]

I go move. And they go, make me. I go, I don't make trash. I burn it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. And if they start coming at them, at me, I just go, cut it out and do this thing. Cut it out.

[David Spade]

I go like this. Not the face.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, God. Might be in show business. Seven years age now.

[David Spade]

Saving my face for him. Start. We have.

[Dana Carvey]

Whoa. Going right at it.

[David Spade]

Cavalcade. Your hair does look good. It's very fluffy.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. I have a new person because it's closer by to where I live.

[David Spade]

It's sort of like a volcano shooting out like this.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, it's 50s. It's 50s. It's Alpha. Never mind. I'll go back to the bangs later in the podcast.

[David Spade]

You might have to turn.

[Dana Carvey]

Dana, can you turn your mic down? No, I'm just a little amped up.

[David Spade]

Yeah, okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Hold on.

[David Spade]

Sorry. I have energy. Sorry. I care about the podcast.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, sorry, I forgot to phone it in.

[David Spade]

Oh, I just got another one says, Dana, can you turn your hair down?

[Dana Carvey]

That I can't do. Okay.

[David Spade]

My sweater is green and everything looks black in this room. But this is green. Could you tell?

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, so I'm doing technical stuff. Give me a second. Talk, literally.

[David Spade]

I'll vamp.

[Dana Carvey]

Talk to yourself right now.

[David Spade]

I will. So I woke up and I said this.

[Dana Carvey]

So, Greg, it's at a five on and then on the bottom. I can put it. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[David Spade]

All right. Keep this stuff in because it makes us more human. Everyone thinks we're super geniuses.

[Dana Carvey]

What's the difference between a genius and a super genius? You have five seconds.

[David Spade]

I'll tell you when you're in the super genius club.

[Dana Carvey]

Can you find the base of an isosceles triangle? You have two seconds.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I have to go find it somewhere.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I don't know. You said can you. If you're a brainiac, you ought to be able to find the base of an isosceles triangle. See the haircut and the glasses? It's a brand new me.

[David Spade]

It is. I think it feels like it's either an ode to Coachella or you are at Coachella.

[Dana Carvey]

The idea of me, I'll do it with this guy. The very idea of going to the desert to watch 10,000 adolescent drugged out kids pee their pants and worship their God on the stage who's only playing YouTube videos is not my idea. Fun. Did I get that right? See, I popped it. I popped in there too.

[David Spade]

You know something?

[Dana Carvey]

No. I love Coachella. I love crowds and like, I like to get into a big crowd of people.

[David Spade]

Yeah. You know, I like to pay $54 for a tootsie Roll.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I love it, you know, out in the desert, Coachella, you know, I mean, I like hiding behind a cactus

[David Spade]

because I like pooping dirt clods for the next two weeks. It's nice if you like wind and sand.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I'm one of those people that know it. You know, an outhouse is a wonderful adventure. You know, it's just like. It's not never really cleared out. It sort of adds on self and it's very exciting, actually.

[David Spade]

I always envy the people that do only fans have sex in the ouse. I think there's probably better location scouting we can do.

[Dana Carvey]

Is this only fans? Like only our fans or only anyone's fans?

[David Spade]

No, only fans is just porn.

[Dana Carvey]

I got it. Because it could, you know, and they

[David Spade]

only fans used to be like girls getting like cheeky or naked. Now it's like, if you're not doing full porn, get out. Get off the site. Get off.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, you take your non porn site. That's right. Get the hell out of here.

[David Spade]

Get that all.

[Dana Carvey]

Go, go. Just leave.

[David Spade]

Oh, I also have something else to tell you I like and I'll go back to Coachella is that I like things that I could just tell you on a phone call, but we'll use the podcast. Someone told me they were doing sets up near you, and I go, are there Any sets to do up by where day? I didn't say you. I can't even say the city. But I said up there. And they go, oh yeah, there's a couple rooms. I'm like, oh, Dana should go in

[Dana Carvey]

there and do well, what are these college rooms?

[David Spade]

And no, they're just little like clubs. They do a comedy night, but that'd be fun. You could go crush send me the

[Dana Carvey]

info cuz I've got a lot of new material.

[David Spade]

I know you could go there. I saw Nealon last night.

[Dana Carvey]

He's always in shape. He's always in shape.

[David Spade]

Ne was trying some stuff at the store. I went on after, you don't try

[Dana Carvey]

material at the store.

[David Spade]

I know. We were discussing that when you're playing an auditorium theater on the road where people are paying a lot, it's almost easier to throw in a new joke in the middle of two that work because you also want to try new stuff for them.

[Dana Carvey]

But that's fine.

[David Spade]

But they're paying and they have babysitters. And you're like, I don't want to give them any iffiness of a show. I want everything to work. And then the comedy store, all these famous comics are standing around and you're like, I don't know. I, I they're gonna watch me go, this is the garbage you're selling these days. I'm like, it's new material night.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, come on. It's 500 people. It's 60 bucks a ticket. You've got the biggest stars and show business around. I'm gonna try out this chunk about going to Sears Roebuck with my dad as a kid. Five minutes of silence and then face full Bill Burr backstage. What the was that?

[David Spade]

What a joke about pickles.

[Dana Carvey]

What the you doing up there playing around, shuffling around, looking at your notes.

[David Spade]

Did I tell you one time I had the hiccups on stage after dinner and I had to go on. I'm like, oh, shoot. And so I'm like, I was in the or original room smaller. And I'm like, anyway, I'm hicking upping like this. And it's so, it's funny for about a minute and I can't really do my act because I can't really talk. It's so much. Yeah, I was like, of course wanted to go to the hospital because I'm such a pussy. But then I finally go, yeah, I finally go, I can't just do my act because I'm it's not funny anymore. Now it's like, just talk, dude. I'm like. So I go, hey, who's next? I'm sorry, I'm just going to bring up the next person. This is ridiculous. And then they go, someone yells, it's Bill Burr. I go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Dana Carvey]

And I go.

[David Spade]

And then I hear what I got five more minutes. They go, no, Spade wants you up. I'm watching the hallway, silent, going. And then he comes, pokes his head and he goes, shut the fuck up. What's going on? And I go, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr. He comes up, he goes, in all my years, this guy's got the hiccups. I gotta go on, because the guy's got the hiccups. I was like the worst guy to follow to just sit there and rip me an asshole.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. Yeah, he could do 20 minutes.

[David Spade]

Hilarious.

[Dana Carvey]

Hiccups. You know who invented hiccups? You know what, what you got? You gotta have a name for everything. It just means your throat's kind of spasming. You gotta go, we need a name. What's your last name? Hiccup. That's what I'm gonna call these things. Good night.

[David Spade]

No, I, I, he's like, do men really get hiccups? Thought that was for chicks.

[Dana Carvey]

I had once in a while because I had chronic bronchitis when I was doing 10 hours a week of stand up. You know, I'd be, I had a cough. So every time I coughed, I either shoot my leg out or just go. I'd let it spasm me. And that helped me in your act.

[David Spade]

You did it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, every time I cough because I couldn't suppress the cough. So I'm going anyway, well, isn't that special?

[David Spade]

I like how isn't that special? As you're always your go to joke.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, well, hey, the lady in its day was considered pretty cool. Brought to you by Apple Card. Apple card users get 2% daily cash back on purchases made in store and online, whether it's for big ticket items or everyday purchases. When they use their Apple Card with Apple pay. Now that's a benefit that's just too good to pass up.

[David Spade]

You could be earning 2% daily cash back when you use your Apple card with Apple pay to buy turmeric for your signature curry, 2% back on flights to visit the family in Tucson, and even 2% back on your kid's new tuba. You might even be able to get 2% back on a tuba tutor, not an Apple Card customer. You can apply in the wallet app on iPhone, subject to credit approval. Apple card is Issued by Goldman Sachs bank usa Salt Lake City branch terms and more at Apple Co benefits.

[Dana Carvey]

Hi everybody.

[Maury Povich]

I'm Maury Povich. On my podcast On Par with Maury Povich, I'm going to sit down with the icons, the stars and the faces at the very center of today's big cultural moments with everyone from comedians Josh Johnson, Dan Soder, Leanne Morgan to newsmakers Don Lemon, Joy Reid, Aaron Parnas and so many more. So join me for new episodes every week because nothing is off limits. Great conversations. They're always on par. Follow and listen to On Par with Maury Povich wherever you get your podcasts.

[David Spade]

Caffeine just got flavor upgrade.

[Dana Carvey]

Nice.

[David Spade]

It was overdue. Five hour energy shots are bringing tasty caffeine to the table with 17 different flavors so you're not stuck with the same old options.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow.

[David Spade]

Yeah. What do you like? I mow fancy the rainbow candy blend. Fruity, bold flavor that stands out kind of like an explosion of sweet, tangy candy in every sip. It's a fun way to switch things up when you want something a little different from your normal boring routine.

[Dana Carvey]

And of course, with all that flavor, you're still getting as much caffeine as a 12 ounce premium cup of coffee with zero sugar. You heard me.

[David Spade]

Yep.

[Dana Carvey]

And no sugar. Crash.

[David Spade]

Right. Small, portable 2 ounce bottle, easy to take wherever the day goes. If you're ready to mix things up, it's a simple way to do it. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade with five our energy shots. Get yours in store and online at fiverenergy.com or Amazon today. Oh, by the way, I know you like sports. I don't know much about the wnba, but they had a draft recently and I walked by the tv. The first three picks were women. I was like, okay, good luck. I don't know what they're doing over there. I mean, I'm all for equality, but.

[Dana Carvey]

What do you mean I didn't get the Joe? What do you mean?

[David Spade]

Well, whatever the WNBA is, they're picking women first.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, right.

[David Spade]

Oh, it's the women's. Oh, okay.

[Dana Carvey]

It's the women's National Basketball Association.

[David Spade]

That makes more sense.

[Dana Carvey]

Good, I saved it. Early onset dementia comes up in different forms.

[David Spade]

No, that was my bit.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, that was the bit that.

[David Spade]

I don't really know much about it, but why?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, okay, I lost the setup. So maybe I have early onset. Yeah, I know. I. I like seeing.

[David Spade]

This is why I don't do it at the Comedy Store.

[Dana Carvey]

You know what? Because this is a podcast, you can try out anything because you're. Everyone knows. Clearly we're not prepared intentionally.

[David Spade]

Clearly it so far hasn't worked for you and Heather, but other than that, I think it's got a lot of promise.

[Dana Carvey]

Which one?

[David Spade]

Over to my joke.

[Maury Povich]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, all right. I don't know if I.

[David Spade]

Let's go back to Coachella. I will tell you this. Oh, yeah, you heard Bieber played his laptop and played YouTube video of him. I think it was himself younger. Right.

[Dana Carvey]

And he just sat back and we all, they all listened to it.

[David Spade]

Or I. What was Heather. They listened to Justin Bieber or he sang along with himself. Wait, did he ask the question again? No, he's saying at Coachella, Bieber had a laptop, he played YouTube and then he would play him. He played himself, right?

[RO Builds]

He played himself when he was younger, though.

[David Spade]

Yeah. When he's younger. I think it's kind of cool. I kind of liked Bieber's lo fi approach, but a lot of people didn't like it. But a lot of people did.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I, I, as a casual observer, I think when you deconstruct something and go that lo fi, when it's like 100,000 people in the desert, it's. It's kind of a next level move to make it into a 10 seater in the Valley.

[David Spade]

Yeah. It's cool.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

You make people listen.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Be quiet. They're like, you know, it's either that or you have big satanic ritual. I like that. He kind of just kept it small.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. You know anybody who's got. Let's call them 300 tucked.

[David Spade]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

If you have 300 tucked.

[David Spade]

Million.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. And it's tucked. It's tight, it's after tax. It's a wall. It just informs your life. I've talked about this a lot. You got the Cliff notes and it just makes you more your authentic self. Because he's not dancing for his donuts. He's not up there. Am I good? He's Justin Bieber. And if you don't like it, you go. Go to Palm Springs.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Get that hell out of Coachella.

[David Spade]

I haven't performed in my boxers lately, but I'm thinking about it.

[Dana Carvey]

You need cowboy boots, you need boxers, you need a hoodie over the top or we. They can't see your face. Like a huge hoodie. And then you got to take the best bits of my act and see if you can.

[David Spade]

I go on a jock strap in a sailor hat and I do my best.

[Dana Carvey]

You're dressed as a four year old schoolgirl with a lollipop and you have big braids.

[David Spade]

And I knew paint his axe.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, well, you know, I'm thinking. I'm thinking of doing some stuff like that.

[David Spade]

Okay. I have another thing about Sabrina Carpenter that you didn't know.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, oh, oh. Savvy.

[David Spade]

Oh, you probably know her from when you did Biden. Did you see her out there?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I think she was on the show. You know, I went up and said, could I get an autograph? And Dana, she goes, no, I know. I walked over and said, you know, my uncle was a carpenter. And she said she was very sweet, really nice. Then she asked if she could get a picture with me. I said, hey, got any money?

[David Spade]

I, I'm jealous because I saw at the 50th, she was in the crowd, and I whipped over to do my joke in. The audience couldn't care less, didn't look at me. I walked by like this. I'm going to do a bit in about 25 seconds. She was like this. Anyway, she was at Coachella. And why is this a controversy? It's so nothing. Somebody. I take her side for being a performer. Someone is making noise, and she stops playing, goes, what is that noise? And they go, I'm yodeling. And so someone's yodeling now. Now yodeling can get loud. I don't know if you do it a lot. I don't know if you hear it a lot.

[Dana Carvey]

I know all about yodeling.

[David Spade]

I know all about yodeling.

[Dana Carvey]

I know all about. I'm from. I was born in Yodel, Iowa. I was born in a town called Yodel. So. But look, it's either supportive or it's, or it's disruptive.

[David Spade]

Well, I'm telling you, even if it's supportive, it's like, I don't bring my supportive air horn to shows. Like, if someone's going, you go, okay. And then they yelled. It's a cultural thing. She goes, well, I, I, I don't love it during my shows or something. And then they, and they're like. She said, I don't like it. Yeah. She said, yeah. She said.

[RO Builds]

Very casual.

[David Spade]

She goes, yeah, which is fair. She's on the show. What's distracting you, and someone does it for attention. I'm sure. It's sure part of their culture. But, you know, if you're making a lot of noise, it's not. There's a time and place. Yeah. So, yeah. Then they go, is she gonna get canceled? I'm like, let's quit throwing around canceled for whatever the fuck Happens. Should we ruin her life for this?

[Dana Carvey]

It's just making it. It's so exciting. She could get canceled. I mean, some. When I was younger and naive, I'd go to shows and I would bring up a typewriter, a really loud old fashioned one, and I would just keep doing that. And I couldn't believe that Stevie Wonder went, what's that?

[David Spade]

You go. You should know a lot of noises.

[Dana Carvey]

Who's the. Who's the yodeling woman? Who. Who's a. A singer. And she can yol. Jewel. Yeah. So maybe it was jewelry.

[David Spade]

I don't think it was Jewel, but that's, you know, something like that. Jewel would not do that to her.

[Dana Carvey]

No, no. Yeah. Jewelry is her twin sister. She's a. She's. She's nasty. That's all I got, man. I told you, I don't have a script.

[David Spade]

You do not.

[Dana Carvey]

I do not. I'm official. Official. Is that. Is that what you think's funny? To just make up things that aren't funny at all? Do you find that funny?

[David Spade]

Is not funny. Funny.

[Dana Carvey]

Not funny funny. Busboys. April what?

[David Spade]

21st 17.

[Dana Carvey]

April 17th.

[David Spade]

Okay, I have a. I have a story for Piers.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. All right. I'm here with David Spade and he's got a story for me. What do you have to say?

[David Spade]

I said, pierce, did you hear? This story is a little rough around the edge. I can't tell it all, but it's the Ruby Rose Katy Perry story.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I'd love to hear it.

[David Spade]

It's a little rough. I don't know if Danny can handle it. Katy Perry. Katy Perry started by making a comment about Bieber's performance.

[Dana Carvey]

Bieber, yes.

[David Spade]

And Ruby Rose, this beautiful actress that is in whatever, but I know her face. She says, oh, something to the effect of who's listening to you after you SA'd me 10 years ago. 20 years ago. Which means assault. Right? Sexual assault. We can say it.

[Dana Carvey]

So sexual assault. Yeah.

[David Spade]

And she goes and it says, remember when I was trying to hide from you? I was hugging this other woman. I was down trying to hide when you walked in and you came over and. Are you ready for this, Piers?

[Dana Carvey]

I'm all ears.

[David Spade]

Leaned over, crouched over me, forgery underpants to the side, and then pushed your vajayjay on my face. And I got up and projectile vomited. This is a fun story I read today. Is that in USA Today?

[Dana Carvey]

So projectile bombing in underwear, moving about. Is this moving about?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Underwear out of place with projectile. Is that your idea of a fun story to Start a podcast. Do you think people like this?

[David Spade]

I know. Everyone just crashed into a tree. I almost did. I was like, I can't even hear this story, so I have to ruin someone else's day.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, someone's here who also listened to this story. I don't know if she'll comment or not, but.

[David Spade]

I like in full bug eyes mode. That was taken 30 years ago.

[Dana Carvey]

She's ageless and energy of. Hey.

[David Spade]

Of a gladiator.

[Dana Carvey]

What else you have?

[David Spade]

So that story's sickening. What else?

[Dana Carvey]

That was great.

[David Spade]

Yeah, That's a real fun picture to paint.

[Dana Carvey]

That was a good one. And then.

[David Spade]

So Coachella's done.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Now did my WNBA joke. That killed. What else? Oh, I. Let me see. Oh, this. This will be on. On, like the 20th. 9, 17. So it's April 20th today.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay.

[David Spade]

Look at Dana like that meme with the woman with all the numbers above her head.

[Dana Carvey]

Yes. April 20th.

[David Spade]

So funny. I'm getting your calculator.

[Dana Carvey]

Yes.

[David Spade]

So what else did you do this weekend that is of note and very important to talk about?

[Dana Carvey]

Fed the horses.

[David Spade]

Okay. That's up there. I don't know if it's at the top, but it's up there.

[Dana Carvey]

I watched the Masters.

[David Spade]

All right.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. With Rory McElroy.

[David Spade]

Do you know what the difference between a hooker and Rory McElroy and a rooster is?

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, rooster. No.

[David Spade]

A rooster says cockadoodle do, and a hooker says any cock will do. You know, we're gonna go to a commercial.

[Dana Carvey]

What's the difference between Tiger woods and Rory McElroy?

[David Spade]

Go ahead.

[Dana Carvey]

One won the Masters. The ones in rehab in Switzerland.

[David Spade]

Is he in Switzerland? He gets to go to course.

[Dana Carvey]

He took a course. Wouldn't you want to go to Switzerland?

[David Spade]

I mean, my God.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. I mean, I'm neutral around the whole idea.

[David Spade]

Do you think that's performative?

[Dana Carvey]

No.

[David Spade]

He does feel like I should go.

[Dana Carvey]

I think Switzerland, it's a little quieter. He's in the mountains. He probably. They let him go up to the mountains and sing the Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music. I mean, it's cool. Can you sing it? You.

[David Spade]

I wonder if he knows I mentioned him on Howard Stern.

[Dana Carvey]

I root for Tiger Woods. That's all I'm gonna say.

[David Spade]

I root for Tiger Woods. Tiger's a really, really, really good friend of mine. And you're in a. You're a business acquaintance.

[Dana Carvey]

I guess I'm an actual fan of Tiger Woods. And you were like, I guess he's a good golfer. What?

[David Spade]

I go, who is he? He's famous. Okay, I'll do it.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, the other guy, the guy who got no attention in. In the 90s, young golfer, great golfer, called Rooster Branch. And Rooster Branch was as good as Tiger Woods. So I was going for one. Yeah, Rooster Branch, he was. He always went under.

[David Spade]

Play off his name.

[Dana Carvey]

Tiger Wood Branch substitutes for Woods.

[David Spade]

I know Tiger.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know how I go Tiger to Rooster. It's two animals. It'd be more like leopard lumber.

[David Spade]

It almost took me back to the disgusting joke about you said about the hooker and the rooster.

[Dana Carvey]

You've been. You've been dancing between PG 13 and.

[David Spade]

Yeah, and making a little rough. That Katy Perry story is rough. You know, she's probably backpedaling all the way back to Mars. She.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, also. Go ahead. What about Baldini? Lauren left a message for me.

[David Spade]

Oh, Lauren Michaels.

[Dana Carvey]

Baldini's lawyer. They threw out 10 of the 13 charges. I think that Lively and Reynolds have. Have a really strong play in their back pocket. Otherwise, why would they go to trial? That's great, Lauren. When's your movie come out? We're going opposite Busboy, so I'm feeling, like, really, really good about it.

[David Spade]

Oh, my gosh. I want to give a plug to roommates. I was going to go to that premiere last night, which is Roommates. Sadie Sandler's movie. Netflix.

[Dana Carvey]

Great.

[David Spade]

A good old school college comedy. She moves in with a roommate and, you know, you get just pushed together and I think there's friction. I'm not going to give everything away, but it's a good comedy. You know, we had Animal House. We had a lot of those. We did PCU in the old days.

[Dana Carvey]

Did you ever live in a dorm and have a randomly assigned roommate?

[David Spade]

I stay. Heather did. Heather raised her head.

[Dana Carvey]

I have a story.

[David Spade]

Oh, go ahead. You can tell yours.

[Dana Carvey]

It's not that. It's not that exotic, but it is weird. You get in the room. There's two twin beds, you know, So I set up my stuff on one side and wait for the roommate. Guy comes in. Hey, I'm Paul. You know, what's up? Okay, this is tiny room. And so it's like, okay, time to go to sleep. So I get a little single bed. He's over there. And then we're just chatting a little bit. The lights are out. So I. At the end, he goes, and so what do you say? You do again? And I said, and I guess I was muffled in the pillow. I said, I'm a comedian. Okay. Then we slept later on the next day, day. He said, so how long have you been a communist? He thought. Comedian muffled he thought. I said communist. Somehow isn't that fascinating?

[David Spade]

You want.

[Dana Carvey]

Should we take a break? We should take a break right now while people laugh. Follow that.

[David Spade]

I went into my dorm at the SAE house and two twin beds. And the guy. Yeah, no, here. I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird. I said, yeah, should we in this one and sleep in this one? Or what should we do? Oh, we laughed.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, my first roommate said, you know, he stood up, there was blood trickling down the front, and he had a machete and a knife. He goes, pick your poison.

[David Spade]

Oh, no. And he's. I'll kill you either way.

[Dana Carvey]

So I called the dorm monitor and go, this is. I don't know if this is gonna work out.

[David Spade]

This is Dana and 5 g. G.

[Dana Carvey]

It was for Duchy hall, and it was boy girl, 15 floors. Do the math, dude.

[David Spade]

Manzanita was dorm right next to mine. And I think I told you this. I got a little. I got a little juiced. I had a few knocks at the SAE party. I walked this girl home. She goes, I. I said, I can drive you. Meanwhile, it's 200 yards. Meanwhile, I just want to show her I have a car. It's a horrible old Volvo, big stick shift. So she's like, sure. I drive 100ft out of the 200. I get pulled over. I don't need the dance mix. So I pull over. She's standing there. She was on the ASU calendar, and I had no heat. I would. This is just pure luck. I'm just driving home. Just driving home 200 yards.

[Dana Carvey]

So what is the problem?

[David Spade]

Problem is you could drive drunk back then. I think it was one of the last years. I was drunk. But I get out.

[Dana Carvey]

But you're going 200 yards.

[David Spade]

Okay, I'm going to. I'm just basically in neutral.

[Dana Carvey]

You're lightly buzzed.

[David Spade]

I've got a. I've had a few snorts. And anyway, the cop throws me in handcuffs, and I'm like, this.

[Dana Carvey]

I'll.

[David Spade]

I'll be over soon. I just have to deal with this. She's like, later. This guy ruins it so bad, takes me to jail. He goes, you have a warrant? And it's like on those Tick Tock videos. Like, I go, you can't do this. I don't say that. I'm not smart enough. He just goes, you're going to jail. I go, for what? He goes, a warrant. I go, oh. I don't even ask what it's for. I just go, oh, no. Then I get to jail, and I'm like this. And I go, what? What. Wait. What's my warrant for? What did I do? I don't do anything wrong. I'm perfect. And he goes, you have three unpaid speeding tickets.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh.

[David Spade]

And he shows them to me, and it's my brother. Andy signed him. Oh, My brother had a warrant. So he said he was me. And then he just said, I don't know my id, but this is my name and birthday. And then those built up threw me in the clank. Mike Sterner, this comedian that I did open mics with, came down and got me out for 200 bucks. So I stayed the night. I'm hardcore, dude. I don't get it.

[Dana Carvey]

That was a good story. That was a really good twist. Well, my friend and I, in front of Verducci hall, we would. We had a Volkswagen Bug. So we were just drinking beer and driving, right? But not a lot of beer. But we get out in this pretend campus policeman's, like, you guys are in trouble. You know, first we were kind of like, okay. So we went to the dorm, the desk, and then I said, who's your supervisor? That people. I go, I'm gonna call him. So I call this. Or I go, we're getting harassed here by. What is it, Dave? So we got off. But we weren't driving drunk. We just had a couple of years.

[David Spade]

I know that's there.

[Dana Carvey]

They all don't do as we do. What is we say? You know what I mean? But your story is interesting. I hope Andy apologized.

[David Spade]

Not really. But, yeah, that.

[Dana Carvey]

That tricky.

[David Spade]

And he could not care less. I will say that. I can safely say that.

[Dana Carvey]

Yes.

[David Spade]

Yeah, but he's cool. I talked to Andy two days ago.

[Dana Carvey]

No, he said he was a young man, too.

[David Spade]

He was the stud of the school. Actually, he got me some heat there at the school because everyone liked him. So they were like, who are you? Okay, if you're. If anybody related to him, you're cool.

[Dana Carvey]

God, I wish I was.

[David Spade]

That's a good deal. But they kissed my ass when I was in a pledge. And the second I was active, they're like, get down. Give me 20. Take this toothbrush, walk. Wash out the shitter. I'm like, wait, what? I'm the guy. You were just kissing his ass two minutes ago. Why am I. Yeah, now you're in. We tricked you. Now you're a pledge and you're a scrub, and we're gonna put paprika in your hair and tell you what to do all night and make you drink. I'm like, huh?

[Dana Carvey]

Was that a dream? Was that a positive thing they're saying to you at the moment or a negative?

[David Spade]

Negative.

[Dana Carvey]

It's negative. So why did you sign up for Phi Delta Cat? Didn't you see Animal House with John Belushi?

[David Spade]

I know, but they just trick you because they say that you're the greatest guy in the world. And then they go, let's. For starters, you're not the greatest guy in the world. I'm like, huh? I was so bamboozled, man.

[Dana Carvey]

So you. You've changed a lot since you were 19. Anytime someone would talk to you, just go.

[David Spade]

So young and innocent and trusting.

[Dana Carvey]

Where'd you get the snappy comedian from?

[David Spade]

Snappy guy.

[Dana Carvey]

This is you going tunercon just from

[David Spade]

hiding, stuffing feelings down. Oh, Dana. All right, let's do some news stories, and we'll really get on this. Unless you have more riveting.

[Dana Carvey]

Not at all. I just think it's kind of interesting that Bernie. Bernie Sanders is the kingmaker of the Democratic Party.

[David Spade]

Does he decide who's, like, gonna run?

[Dana Carvey]

He got Mamdinian and other people. I guess he's his best friend.

[David Spade]

Go ahead. What? Is he gonna talk?

[Dana Carvey]

I guess he should. Funny, I don't have the puppet near me.

[David Spade]

Where the is he? Even a million sleep.

[Dana Carvey]

The Millionaires. The puppet's 84 years old. It's made cardboard from 1921. Yeah, the millionaires. And the billionaires. And the billionaires. I'm Bernie Sanders. I don't have a bit, I guess. I don't know. How about this? There's another straight. You know the straight or Hormuz? Now, there's another straight, but it puts straight at the end. It's called Baba Al Mandeb Straight, and it's off the Red Sea, and its nickname is the Gate of Tears.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I've been there.

[Dana Carvey]

So later on, when I. When we do our buzzing around, I'm going to do a little thing about that.

[David Spade]

We can do it right now. What? All right. Yeah, I want to hear. I had an Airbnb at that Gate of Tears one time. It's not exciting. You just watch oil tankers go by

[Dana Carvey]

the Gate of Tears.

[David Spade]

Now you, who is buzzing around. Oh, no. Where's the segment? I got to introduce it.

[Dana Carvey]

You got to introduce the segment? Damn.

[David Spade]

Scramble. Scramble. Nope, nope. Not on my own once. Not for one second.

[Alltrails Announcer]

We all belong outside. We are drawn to nature. It calls to us, whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean. We doze off to or the succulents that adorn our homes. Nature makes all of our lives richer, calmer and frankly better. Despite all this, we we often go about our busy lives removed from it. But the outdoors is closer than we realize. With Alltrails, you can discover trails nearby or trails worth traveling to and explore confidently with offline maps and on trail navigation. Whether you're looking for a laid back walk with family or something more adventurous to get your heart pumping, Alltrails gives you the tools you need to get out there and find your outside. Download the free app today and make the most of your summer with Alltrails.

[Dana Carvey]

Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now.

[Alltrails Announcer]

How about a creamy mocha Frappuccino drink?

[Dana Carvey]

Or a sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe? Or white chocolate mocha?

[Alltrails Announcer]

Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits.

[Dana Carvey]

Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries now at McDonald's a McDouble is $2.50 so you can get your gym gains on or just get L only 250. Get more value on the under $3 menu.

[David Spade]

Limited time only. Prices and participation may vary.

[Maury Povich]

Prices may be higher for delivery.

[David Spade]

Okay, guess what?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, it's that time again.

[David Spade]

It's time for buzzing around sponsored by five hour Energy with a wide variety of bold flavors to choose from. That's right, as much caffeine as a 12 ounce bottle premium cup of coffee, but zero sugar. Zero sugar. Crash. Find five hour energy shots online at 5ourenergy.com or Amazon today. So I'm gonna give Dana. Okay, well I have Dana on his own and he's we talked about scenario and we're gonna laugh.

[Dana Carvey]

I had so much fun doing Hans or Hans and Franz last week. So this week they're in a congressional hearing with Senator John Kennedy because they believe they have the capacity because over time all these closing of different straits in the Middle east will tax our navy. But they claim. They will claim they will say something about that.

[David Spade]

Now with or without you can do with it

[Dana Carvey]

now.

[David Spade]

You can be there if you want.

[Dana Carvey]

Now Hans, Hans and Franz you're here with really our committee. I get that right? You have something to say?

[David Spade]

Are those your real names?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Say something to you. I think you're gonna want to hear it. Well, I'm all ears. Did I fall off? Tomato truck. But you claim. Yeah, you are claiming that you are personally able with that without any kind of ship or craft to close up the straight of her moves. Did I get that right? He doesn't have glasses on.

[David Spade]

Yeah, the glasses.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, yeah. We could very easily close a separate to Hormuz. Just how in the Lord's name do you propose to close the Strait of Hormuz? Yeah, listen to us. Hit us now and listen to us later. Very carefully.

[David Spade]

Carefully.

[Dana Carvey]

What we would do is this. This is our process. First we're on land and we do. We do a thousand squats and the buttocks get so, so pumped up. Our buttocks become huge like giant fleshy boulders. And then Hans in France, what we do, he's France Zidanes. But we do this with our giant pumped up, blood engorged buttocks the size of giant boulders. We kind of like King Neptune. We sit down in the Strait of Hormuz and displace the water and no. No ships could get past us.

[David Spade]

Oh my God. This is an outlandish plan.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Did I. Did someone draw stupid on my forehead? You're proposing you would do 10,000 squats, muscularize and weaponize your buttocks, sit down in the ocean or the straight horror moose and. And relieve the United States Navy of the burden of stopping that clogging up that strait? Yeah. You're smarter than you look.

[David Spade]

Your buttocks is the size of Texas.

[Dana Carvey]

We already told Pierce Morgan. He believed us. So your claim is that you can make your buttocks so large you could block the straight immuse. Did I get that right? Yeah. Yes. Pierce Morgan, are you joking with me? You can't. You can't be serious. That your buttocks could grow to that size simply by doing squats. You should try doing squats yourself. The problem with you and Senator John Kennedy is your buttocks are shriveled and tiny.

[David Spade]

Oh my God.

[Dana Carvey]

Shots fired and deflated and you can't process so much.

[David Spade]

They can't process thinking about it.

[Dana Carvey]

Well now here we are. We don't believe a word out of your mouth. Oh, I think it's partly absurd what you're suggesting that your buttocks could get pumped up. Perhaps they could get as large as a cantaloupe or something like that. But it is patently absurd. Right, Pierce? Yeah, I think it's really offensive. Your buttocks could never get that large. Wait a minute. Turn on the tv. See, we're on TV now. And the Hormuz.

[David Spade]

Oh my God. He showed that. They showed them.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm going to slowly go down because I don't know how to stop this.

[David Spade]

That's a good ending.

[Dana Carvey]

And whoa.

[David Spade]

That was a solid buzzing around. Sponsored by 5 Our Energies Tasty caffeine flavors as Dana rests his voice. Enjoy big flavor In a tiny bottle. Five hour energy shots pack the flavors of the season. Portable two ounce shot. Five hour energy shots online at FiveHouseEnergy.com or Amazon today. Do I know how to read?

[Dana Carvey]

Could I? Geez, I know this is that. Yeah. I don't know. Something happened. I think you're.

[David Spade]

I like that scenario, by the way.

[Dana Carvey]

You're recovering from the abstraction that they could pump their butt up. Buttocks up so large they could clog an ocean straight.

[David Spade]

I think it's because of the boosters.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, that's just what the buttocks. What if we get our calves popped up too?

[David Spade]

Oh, my God. That scenario was. I like that you came up with that seemingly fictitious scenario.

[Dana Carvey]

Seemingly fictitious. You know I did re. You know, I mean, don't be afraid to buzz around. It's brought to you by. Whatever. I'm recovering. Let's get some stories. Here we are, 38 minutes.

[David Spade]

Let's see if anything's worth.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's do it. Okay.

[David Spade]

Okay. Oh, this is. You ever go skiing?

[Dana Carvey]

Not really, but tobogganing.

[David Spade]

This is. This is how scary it is to ski on a top amount. Every time this guy goes one inch closer, I go never. Nope, nope. Could not do it.

[Dana Carvey]

Not. Not fun.

[David Spade]

Let's see it.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's see. Check it out.

[David Spade]

By the way, don't ever tell me to wait for it on a video. I don't. I'll decide that part. So right there I'd be like, you can still get out.

[Dana Carvey]

No, get out, get out, get out. Nope, nope. Bail.

[David Spade]

Deciding which cliff you're gonna ski down because you're so good.

[Dana Carvey]

Is it easy for them?

[David Spade]

I mean, it's easy for these guys.

[Dana Carvey]

No, I got a bad.

[David Spade]

I know the sound of. The skis are slot. Which way? Don't go left. That's harder. Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Go where there's just snow and not rocks. Maybe that's a hot take, but right.

[David Spade]

Just go very, very careful. Okay, he's deciding.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, he's just walking. I knew I could do this.

[David Spade]

Now he's gonna give. Okay, now here we go. Whoops. He caught a rock. Oh, boy. Okay, we're not falling. You are not falling in the snow. This whole.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow.

[David Spade]

Well, that's right down. That's like a. Like a slide.

[Dana Carvey]

That's. That's. That's pretty. That's an awesome video. I assume he's okay. So I can. Yeah, I. I just can't believe that you got this footage of yourself.

[David Spade]

That's me screaming. I looped in.

[Dana Carvey]

How is that? No, I thought it Was. Joe, isn't that you? Didn't you say you were going to Tahoe?

[David Spade]

That's me approaching the bunny hill. Yeah, that's it.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow. That was a. That was a very interesting video. I. I don't think I would personally have screamed. I would have been saying, come on. Yeah, more. Let's do this. Come on.

[David Spade]

I would be going, we. Because it's basically a slide. At that point, he's just going to.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

But if you have any chance of catching a rock like that on your ski, if you're not perfectly, unbelievably good. I always see the guy. You never see them fall. It's always like, deesh, dish, deesh. And the guy's like. Like immediately falls.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. I guess. I mean, I don't know if I read this properly, but his nickname was Catch Rock. His friends called him Catch Rock because

[David Spade]

he always can he catch Rock.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, he's. Again, you know, he would catch a rock and, you know, you got to stay on the snow and not have the ski go toward a rock jutting.

[David Spade]

You know what happens? You go like this, and you catch one little thing, and it pulls it that way. And then your weight goes over here, and then you're like, guten knocked German. And then. Good douche. Good deez. Dej. Skis fly. Yard sale.

[Dana Carvey]

Get it to bog. And obviously that's not that guy's sport. Get it toboggan.

[David Spade]

Carry it.

[Dana Carvey]

Dana up at his house, the bunny hill. And then get in the toboggan and go and have a party. But that. That's not.

[David Spade]

Okay, next one.

[Dana Carvey]

Next one.

[David Spade]

We all learned a valuable lesson.

[Dana Carvey]

Yes.

[David Spade]

Did we?

[Dana Carvey]

Did we? He did.

[David Spade]

Okay, this is a robot. Let's see what it is. Yeah, maybe robot. This would scare me, I think.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, that's.

[David Spade]

Is that a girl or robot? I bet a girl could do that. Terrifying.

[Dana Carvey]

It's a robot.

[David Spade]

So it is a robot. My brother Brian would do that. He would love this. It does look kind of real. What if that was like trick or treat? And then they did that.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, that's why, you know, you just want to make a horror film with an iPhone and you have that toy dude that would sell it, just put sound underneath it. Fantastic. I also like the laugh of the guy, how much joy he got. Bought it on Amazon and press play.

[David Spade]

And it worked. And you know what? You're right. You could make. You could sell a movie from a trailer if you just do that. Scary. Put some noise behind some eerie music, and then.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, and just go.

[David Spade]

It could be the next Megan movie Witchcraft.

[Dana Carvey]

Let me ask you a question. So that figure is there. You're at your house at night. You see it in the doorway. What is the scariest way it could walk to you if it wasn't that? Because that's right up there is the scariest. What else? It's in the way.

[David Spade]

Bending over backwards and walking with a. Like, broken bones. They go backwards?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Hair and face. Oily hair. It's never. It's never like, in barrettes or anything. It's just.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know why it really scared me. If it was at night and it just crossed over its feet and just went like that, coming right at you, that would terrify me.

[David Spade]

Well, if they're snapping, I wouldn't. I'd like it.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, one foot goes over the other.

[David Spade]

Maybe if they turned their skin inside out, I wouldn't like it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Or if they went like this and went, oh, yuck.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

And it was you.

[David Spade]

And it was.

[Dana Carvey]

It was you.

[David Spade]

I would be so scared.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, buddy.

[David Spade]

That's. That's like the third Mission Impossible. They do that. Hey, buddy. That's what the scary guy says.

[Dana Carvey]

You as the scary guy.

[David Spade]

Okay, next one.

[Dana Carvey]

We can always do another buzz in your room.

[David Spade]

No, no, no. I have no idea. What does that say? Can you read it if. If warm enough for scorpion season in Arizona yet? I'm from Arizona, and I've seen so many scorpions. Oh.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, Tiny Tim.

[David Spade]

Are those all scorpions?

[Dana Carvey]

Yes.

[David Spade]

Sickening. Heather, will you crawl in there for 100?

[Dana Carvey]

Whoa. Cancel my trip to Arizona.

[David Spade]

That's the guy flying out. I didn't even get that.

[Dana Carvey]

By the way, this is just a story without a picture. But the reboot of Malcolm in the Middle, they're having a non binary character.

[David Spade]

Oh. In the new one, we interviewed Bryan Cranston.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Did you talk about that?

[David Spade]

No. But I know that one kid that played little Joe Dirt in the movie is not doing it. I think he's going to Harvard now. They said Brian told us this, that he's not gonna do the reboot. He's the only one. So maybe they were replacing that character with a new character.

[Dana Carvey]

But they're doing certain things on Pocalypse now. If you order it online and stuff, that Brando's character is not Colonel Kurtz. It's now they Them.

[David Spade]

They updated it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Okay. Well, that's. That's a big tweak.

[Dana Carvey]

But my name is they them. I know. I was shocked they would do that.

[David Spade]

My name is they them. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Colonel My name.

[David Spade]

They re. Dubbed it, too.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, they just dubbed it. And it's just. I guess it's blowing up.

[David Spade]

Do you remember when he drops the orange in the Godfather at the end?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, at the end.

[David Spade]

Yeah. He's like in the. And the kid's playing with him.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, he's got the funny teeth in. And the kid starts crying, and then he. He does this sort of ballet fall with the. Off the.

[David Spade]

You know, Coppola had no idea what he was gonna do. He's like, just. Just somehow croak. And he's like, I got some ideas.

[Dana Carvey]

I'd say at least twice a year, my wife and I watch Godfather 1 and 2.

[David Spade]

Those are pretty good.

[Dana Carvey]

They're. They're pretty. Pretty good.

[David Spade]

Remember when I sent you that video, which is kind of cool. I see them now all the time now. They pop up. It just starts right at the Academy Awards, random year.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Someone like Terry Garr and Gene Hackman going. And now Best Supporting Actress. And they read them all, and they're all unbelievable movies with great performances. I'm like, wow. Wow. And then the next year, the next one clicked down. It was like, Best Actor two years later, and Donald Sutherland. It's so cool to see what they look like, the movies they were in, how great, how much I was in the movies then. Like, all the President's Men was in there. Godfather, all these cool movies. Sybil. Not Sybil, but Alien was in there.

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, just. Yeah, there's a lot of, like.

[David Spade]

I think I. Jessica and Tootsie was. I. I was watching going, who's going to win supporting? And it was Terry Gar and Tootsie was one of them. And I go, it's got to be Terry Gar. She was so tragic. And then Jessica Lang was supporting. She was like the star, and she won. She was so unreal and so hot.

[Dana Carvey]

That is a great. What they call a screwball comedy.

[David Spade]

To pull that off was one of the best.

[Dana Carvey]

The way they did was amazing.

[David Spade]

Anyway.

[Dana Carvey]

Dustin. Not at all. Jaws. I like all these. I mean, I like. I love movies. I'm always looking for a great movie. I'm looking for another Master and Commander. I'm looking for another out of Africa in the Skies. Just these big, cool historical epics. Or looking for another butch cast.

[David Spade]

Are you looking forward to Nolan's movie? What's it called?

[Dana Carvey]

Christopher Nolan?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm always going to see a movie of his. What's unique about him is Tarantino's brilliant. But he does stay in a certain lane. That he's great. Nolan does spaceship. Now he's doing Ulysses, I guess.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Is that what it is?

[Dana Carvey]

I think Matt Damon's gonna have sandals and a beard and. But it's Christopher Nolan, so you have to go see it. He's. He's right up there.

[David Spade]

I agree. Okay, next.

[Dana Carvey]

Odyssey. What did I say, Greg?

[David Spade]

You said Ulysses.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, Ulysses. Okay, sorry, sorry. My, my. Okay, go ahead. Here we go.

[David Spade]

RO Builds and tests a homemade laser.

[RO Builds]

My camera is only weakly sensitive to this laser's wavelength, yet it still managed to unveil the actual beast at hand. Even without careful focusing, the laser can easily set fire to my fence about 70 meters in the distance.

[David Spade]

Really?

[RO Builds]

After the fog lifted, I switched back to filming invisible light.

[David Spade]

Invisible.

[RO Builds]

Which means the laser is back to being invisible the way it is in real life.

[David Spade]

Look at that. How easy to lie.

[Dana Carvey]

This feels like the kind of thing that they make new laws about. So glad he's not lying. He's not a liar.

[RO Builds]

Believe me. Every day the urge is there to

[David Spade]

light that thing on fire.

[RO Builds]

However, it wouldn't exactly be very responsible of me, so I'll light this thing on fire instead.

[David Spade]

Look at that. Because honestly, no way. When you look at Maui and these places.

[RO Builds]

To actually ignite the gas, I decided to give it another try.

[Dana Carvey]

Do we have invisible laser?

[RO Builds]

Laser firing the leaking.

[Dana Carvey]

Stop. He's having too much fun. Does the United States military have invisible lasers from.

[David Spade]

I'm sure that's what I'm saying is like, yeah, if there's these fires that start and you go, I don't know how. I don't know how it started. Was there arson? It's like, you could pop that from a mile away, miles away, and be

[Dana Carvey]

like, oh, oh, I think we need more perimeter security where we are, people are building bunkers more. They're not building little Wonder Bread houses or little cabiny house. They're building concrete bunkers in LA to keep.

[David Spade]

I'm going to laser proof my trees in my houses.

[Dana Carvey]

I will laser proof your head in. In a place.

[David Spade]

That's what a bully says.

[Dana Carvey]

That's not. My dad would say to you, oh, yeah, I laser proof your head in.

[David Spade]

In a minute. No, he'd say, you better fist proof your face. And you're like, oh, we sort of switched it all around.

[Dana Carvey]

Or he'd say, not shaving for a week. Time for the whiskers. Isn't it fun?

[David Spade]

Oh, and he'd grind them on you or something.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I get on top. But enough about the fun times.

[David Spade]

Yeah. All right.

[Dana Carvey]

One more One more. I got it.

[David Spade]

We got a million things going.

[Dana Carvey]

Yes, you do.

[David Spade]

Yes, you do. Okay, Good spin on the hammer. I'll give him that.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay.

[David Spade]

Fascinating too. You can do this on your farm, dude.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah. I did it this morning.

[David Spade]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. Three nails in a row. Then he's going to.

[David Spade]

Whoa.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. No wonder you had a weird haircut.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I don't love it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, look.

[David Spade]

That's hard to do with a hammer.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, he's gonna slam them all down.

[David Spade]

I mean, he better.

[Dana Carvey]

Or pull him out. Oh, Is that it?

[David Spade]

Oh, he's. He. He got the middle one, I guess. That is really hard.

[Dana Carvey]

That guy should be in a kung fu movie. Okay, let's just throw a commercial for nails because he's doing the jacket and all the sound and the stuff.

[David Spade]

You know, his goofy hair.

[Dana Carvey]

I can do kind of the same. Same with my puppets.

[David Spade]

Don't. Why you doing me like that?

[Dana Carvey]

I like that. All right. That. You know, by the way, that was actually a funny thing to say. I'm going back down to the pile of cardboard people.

[David Spade]

Oh, let them go down easily.

[Dana Carvey]

Gently, gently.

[David Spade]

All right, well, I'm going to. I'm going to let you go. Danny, you got your hair. You better go show it around town. Town.

[Dana Carvey]

I got to puff it up a little more. I got a little thing in the back. Comes around.

[David Spade]

That's a good puff noise.

[Dana Carvey]

You were amazing today.

[David Spade]

You were amazing. Dana, you were just. You got through my R rated stories. Don't put them right on the mic. People get mad.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, really?

[David Spade]

I went through the comments, people. Tell me, spade, enough of your jokes that are too loud. I like it. People laugh today. They were a lot of laughs.

[Dana Carvey]

There's a lot of laughs. You know, I think Hans and Franz doing a 10,000 squats and enlarging there, but I enjoyed that.

[David Spade]

God, we gave him a full show. 55 minutes. Too much. Too much of a good thing.

[Dana Carvey]

I know this. They won't even. They'll just watch the clips. They won't even click on. But please click on.

[David Spade]

I'm leaving. Dana.

[Dana Carvey]

Smash that.

[David Spade]

Subscribe. Smash the shit out of that.

[Dana Carvey]

Subscribe.

[David Spade]

Like comment, share, take pictures of it, whatever you got to do.

[Dana Carvey]

All right.

[David Spade]

Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app, Give us review 5 star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.

[Dana Carvey]

If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now.

[David Spade]

Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

[Dana Carvey]

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet.

[David Spade]

Tech booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

[Dana Carvey]

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney and Lauren Vieira.

[David Spade]

Reach out with us Any questions be asked and answered on the show? You can email [e-mail] that's a U-A C-Y dot com.