Introducing: Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire

Summary

Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade Episode Summary: Introducing: Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire Release Date: December 26, 2024

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1. Introduction to Sponsored Content

Gambling Insights with BetMGM (00:00 - 02:18): Dana and David kick off the episode with a light-hearted discussion about gambling habits. David shares his mild gambling tendencies, humorously referring to his "Joe Dirt money." He introduces BetMGM’s enticing offer: “a second chance on your first touchdown bet” (00:33). Dana humorously reacts, saying, “You've officially gone to cuckoo land...” (00:54), highlighting their playful banter even amidst promotional content.

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2. New Year's Resolutions and Language Learning

Rosetta Stone Promotion (02:18 - 04:28): The conversation seamlessly transitions to New Year's resolutions. Dana suggests learning a new language, leading to a promotion for Rosetta Stone. David humorously contemplates using Rosetta Stone, stating, “I only barely know English and I started to look dumb after a while” (02:50). They emphasize the benefits of language learning for personal growth and practical travel uses. Dana underscores the platform’s longevity and user base, mentioning, “30 years Rosetta Stone. Millions of users and 25 languages” (03:30). The segment encourages listeners to start their resolutions with a reliable language program.

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3. Introduction to "Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire"

Launch of a New Podcast (04:28 - 05:33): David enthusiastically introduces Lemonada Media's newest podcast, "Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire." Dana builds excitement, describing it as “a wild mythical adventure” starring Melissa McCarthy (04:37). David elaborates, “Melissa McCarthy leads an all-star cast in a hilarious new podcast...” (04:48), setting the stage for the upcoming dramatized narrative.

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4. Narrated Tale: Hildy’s Quest Begins

Chapter 1: The Beginning (05:33 - 16:17): Glenn Close narrates the opening of the fictional story, immersing listeners in the magical land of Golgorath. The protagonist, Hildy Hillsbury, is introduced as an unlikely hero and barback at the Shady Cockerel pub. Key characters such as Gerd, a half-giant (07:37), Mirabel, an eccentric alchemist (08:47), and Hildy's brother, Finnick, are introduced.

Hildy faces challenges managing unruly patrons and grappling with the impending threat of the Morliths seeking the pieces of the Dread Aegis. Notable lines include Hildy’s declaration, “I must set us all free. It’s my destiny. My name is Hildy” (06:36), emphasizing her determination.

Mirabel warns of the rising evil: “The Morliths are coming” (13:56), setting up the central conflict for the narrative. The detailed exposition of the Dread Aegis and the impending danger builds anticipation for the adventures ahead.

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5. Mid-Episode Product Promotions

Blue Nile, Just Thrive, and Lux Bidet Ads (16:17 - 23:15): Dana and David intersperse the episode with promotional segments:

• Blue Nile (16:17 - 18:40): Promotes engagement rings, emphasizing ethical sourcing and lifetime guarantees. David quips, “Blue Nile blows up the hardest” (16:17), while Dana highlights the ease of sourcing through the platform.

• Just Thrive Probiotic (18:50 - 19:37): Focuses on digestive health with a guarantee of live probiotics reaching the gut. David mentions, “Only probiotic guaranteed to arrive 100% alive” (18:54), and Dana adds, “Say goodbye to embarrassing post-meal bloat” (19:18).

• Lux Bidet (19:37 - 23:15): Introduces bidet attachments as a superior alternative to toilet paper. Dana humorously states, “A car wash for your ass” (22:37), while David emphasizes ease of installation and effectiveness.

These segments maintain the show’s comedic tone while informing listeners about useful products.

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6. Continuation of Hildy’s Adventure

Battle Against the Morliths (23:11 - 41:40): Glenn Close resumes the narrative, depicting the escalating conflict as Morliths attack the village. Hildy strategizes to defend the Shady Cockerel, showcasing her leadership and resourcefulness.

Key moments include:

• Strategizing Defense: Hildy proposes using Mirabel's raven to scout enemy intentions. Despite skepticism from the Council, she remains steadfast (24:13).

• Epic Battle Scenes: The intense battle sequences highlight Hildy and her allies combating the Morliths. Dana interjects with humor, “Panic half giant” (25:02), reflecting the chaotic energy of the fight.

• Character Development: Hildy faces personal challenges, including threats to her leadership and the loss of her brother, Finnick. Emotional lines like Mirabel’s confession, “I always thought that someday we'd be married” (15:52), add depth to the characters.

• Heroic Victory: Despite losses, including Gerd being stabbed (35:20), Hildy’s team succeeds in defeating Morlar the Strong, turning the tide against the Morliths (38:21). Dana comments on the victory, “Thank the gods” (39:00), blending humor with the triumphant moment.

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7. Final Promotional Segment

Additional Product Ads and Closing Remarks (41:40 - End): The episode resumes with final promotional content, including:

• Ring Security Products (28:30 - 30:36): Highlights the convenience and security features of Ring cameras and doorbells, ideal for the holiday season.

• Zycam Cold Remedies (31:35 - 32:24): Promotes cold-shortening products, emphasizing early intervention at the first sign of a cold.

These ads continue the mix of practical information and humor, aligning with the hosts’ comedic styles.

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8. Concluding the Episode

Final Moments of the Narrative (41:40 - End): Glenn Close wraps up the fictional tale with unresolved tension as Morlar reappears, suggesting future conflicts. This cliffhanger leaves listeners eager for more episodes of "Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire."

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Notable Quotes:

• David (00:33): “BetMGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown bet.”

• Dana (00:54): “You've officially gone to cuckoo land...”

• Hildy (06:36): “I must set us all free. It’s my destiny. My name is Hildy.”

• Mirabel (13:56): “The Morliths are coming.”

• Dana (22:37): “A car wash for your ass.”

• Hildy (26:15): “We won the battle.”

• Dana (39:52): “I have to be honest, I don't think I could handle any more surprises today.”

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dana Carvey and David Spade seamlessly blend engaging conversations, promotional segments, and an immersive fictional narrative. The introduction of "Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire" adds a unique storytelling element, enriched by dynamic character interactions and humorous undertones. Listeners are treated to a diverse mix of content that entertains while subtly promoting useful products and services.

Whether you're a fan seeking behind-the-scenes stories from the entertainment world or someone looking to dive into a fantastical adventure with Hildy, this episode delivers a bit of everything, maintaining the show's signature humor and engaging dialogue throughout.

Transcript

[David]

Okay, Dana, you know, I like to gamble a bit. I'm just. I'm not like, oh, yeah, too deep in it, but I take a little bit of the Joe Dirt money now and then and the reruns do a little this and that. But this is. This is about. At BetMGM now, you can follow and tag BETMG across all your socials, and that gets you in the mix. This is the sports book born in Vegas. They have a thing called second chance on first touchdown scorer. Let me break it down for you. All season long.

[Dana]

Bring that down.

[David]

Yeah, please. BetMGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown bet. So when a customer bets a wager on a first touchdown scorer bet and he does not score first, but scores Second, we return 100% of their stake back in cash. This is crazy talk.

[Dana]

You've officially gone to cuckoo land, and I hope you're coming back because you are not in the real world right now.

[David]

One Flew over the Cuckoo's app.

[Dana]

I bet once at the first touchdown would be the first one. And I want to afford some of.

[David]

These are good offers. They're like if the touchdown is scored by even a soccer player, you win.

[Dana]

It's like, oh, that's right.

[Glenn Close]

If.

[Dana]

So anyway, in the back of a Dodge Dart in the parking lot, you get a pretty penny.

[David]

Okay, listen, I'll just tell you that's good. BetMGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. BetMGM and Game Sense Remind you to gamble responsibly. See betmgm.com for terms 21+only. This U.S. promotional spot is not available in Ontario. Gambling problem. Call 1-800- Gambler available in the U.S. for New York, call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. That's 467-369. For Arizona, call 1-800-Next step for Massachusetts, 1-800-327-5050. Iowa, 1-800-Bets off for Puerto Rico, 1, 800-981-0023. Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel.

[Dana]

David, do you have any New Year's Eve resolutions?

[David]

You know, I think I'm gonna have the basic ones work out a little bit more, get the neck a little looser. But you know what? You really should try something a little bigger.

[Dana]

Something. I suggest something. And it may seem quirky, but. But listen, how about learning a new language?

[David]

Well, if it's Rosetta Stone, maybe. Is it Rosetta Stone?

[Dana]

I'm going to say that is. You are correct, sir.

[David]

You are correct.

[Dana]

Sir, you are correct.

[David]

Listen. That might be the one. Because it's the most trusted language learning program. It's easy. It's available on desktop or as an app. It immerses you in a language you want to learn and listen. I only barely know English and I started to look dumb after a while.

[Dana]

No, I think it's great. I mean to really just have some basic languages you can pull out of your hat anywhere, anytime, whenever you're traveling. It's great for your brain to learn a language. And these are the people. 30 years Rosetta Stone. Millions of users and 25 languages.

[David]

David I didn't even know there were 25. But yes, they Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean, Cherubic, just to name a few. You can, if, if you can think of it, they got it. It's fast too. You, you get. They immerse you in so many ways. There's no English translation, so you really learn to speak, listen and think in that language.

[Dana]

Yes, it's an intuitive process, so you pick up the language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences. It's completely designed for long term retention because that's got to be the most important thing, of course.

[David]

Start off the new year with a resolution you can reach today. Fly on the Wall Listeners can take advantage of this New Year's special of Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership.

[Dana]

Visit rosetta stone.com fly that's unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your New Year's offer@Rosetta Stone.com fly today I hi listeners.

[David]

I'm thrilled to let you know about Lemonada Media's newest podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. Something we Talked about Melissa McCarthy about on the show.

[Dana]

I know. Get ready for a wild mythical adventure. Melissa McCarthy leads an all star cast in a hilarious new podcast, Hildy the Bar Back and the Lake of Fire. Sounds fun.

[David]

In this fantastical fictional tale for grown ups, McCarthy stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Golgorath who must embark on an epic quest with an unlikely team of warriors to save the world.

[Dana]

Starring Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone, Octavia Spencer, Glenn Close and more, Hildy the Bar Back and the Lake of Fire spins a legendary laugh out loud tale you won't want to miss. And we heard all about it when we interviewed both of them.

[David]

You're about to hear the first episode of Hildy the Bar Back in the Lake of Fire. After you hear this episode, search for Hildy the Bar Back in the Lake of Fire on your podcast app to hear more episodes. You can also find a link in the episode description to take you there.

[Glenn Close]

This is Glenn Close.

[Hildy]

The Golgorath alliance is proud to present Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. This presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Mind. Theater. Theater. Theater of the mind.

[Glenn Close]

Chapter 1. The Beginning Many ages ago, there was a verdant green land named Golgorath. It was a land full of magic, legend and high adventure from time immemorial. The tales of Golgorath featured heroes who were. How do I say this? They were all dudes. But in the year 361, in the waning years of the Uluru, a new hero found her voice. She was unparalleled in her sense of integrity and justice. She was also a barback. Her name was Hildy.

[Hildy]

My name is Hildy. I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor when I long for something more.

[Gerd]

We are in peril from the evil.

[Hildy]

One whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire. The men folks say they'll protect me but they would fuck up a cup of coffee. It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hildy. And unfortunately, there's a lake of fire every morning. My name is Hildy the Barbara.

[Glenn Close]

We begin our tale in the quiet village of Mirvale at the Shady Cockerel, a quaint pub that has been in Hildy's family for generations. Our hero, Hildy Hillsbury, is visited by her friends Gerd, Perta and Mirabel. But Hildy is currently unable to enjoy their company as she's busy trying to settle an argument between two dim, wild patrons of the pub.

[Hildy]

I says that the sky is light blue.

[Mirabel]

I says the sky is sky blue.

[Hildy]

Gents, please unclench your moist meat paws. You know good and well there's no fighting in the pub.

[Perta]

Also, you can't say the word of what the color is when you say what it's describing. It's like saying the frog is frog green.

[Glenn Close]

This is Perta, a merchant, cunning and wise.

[Hildy]

Frogs are not green. They're olive. No, they're teal.

[Finnick]

They're not.

[Hildy]

Mirabel. Can't you put a spell of forgetfulness on them or something?

[Urgral]

Sorry, mate, that's a super hard spell to execute. I've been working on it, but every time I try, something really ominous happens.

[Glenn Close]

This is Mirabel, an eccentric alchemist and sorceress in training.

[Gerd]

Uh, should I decimate these bags of fecal pooping with my warhammer? Hildy, my very best friend, this is.

[Glenn Close]

Gerd, a half giant, powerful, and loyal friend to Hildy.

[Hildy]

No, Gerd, no, you should not. Thank you, but I. I will handle this.

[Mirabel]

Hey, half giant, I'm arguing with my friend here. You women folk had best be quiet.

[Hildy]

Judging by your breath, gentlemen, which I don't actually mean, I still am quite confident that you do evacuate your bowels through your how dare you winch. Oh, there we go. Winch. That's the magic word. Anyone who says it gets a pie of meat. No foot massage? No pony, not today. But you do get a dick punch. Yeah, you're not a dick punch. You get a dick punch. Guess what? Cause I've got a special running today where you get a third dick punch. Oh, Gerd, would you mind taking out the trash?

[Gerd]

Yeah, I'll take them out like yesterday's bags of trash.

[Glenn Close]

Hearing the commotion, Hildy's brother Finnick rushes in from the back office. Finnick is slow and lazy and yet was given ownership of the bar upon their parents death instead of Hildy because, you know, patriarchy. So Hildy actually runs the bar while Finnick does whatever the hell it is that he does.

[Morlar]

Gerd, Gerd, unhand those fine men. They're paying customers.

[Hildy]

They've been banished, Fennec. They haven't paid their bill in months and they're fighting about colors again. I'm giving them each a multitude of warnings.

[Morlar]

So no or yes, I say they're not banished, and I'm the owner of the Shady Cockrell.

[Hildy]

Yeah, okay. Indeed you are technically the owner of the Barfennick, because women cannot own taverns in this insane bullshit age.

[Morlar]

Yeah, that's what I just said.

[Hildy]

And if you say it again, you will no longer possess the penis that is currently ruining your undershorts.

[Morlar]

What?

[Hildy]

If you test me, brother, I will burn you until you're dead, and then I'm gonna bury you alive.

[Morlar]

Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

[Hildy]

I think it does. Because first I'm gonna kill you by burning you. Then I'm gonna bring you back to life just so I can chop you up again. Little bitty mulch, throw you the animals, have the animals eat you. Then I'm gonna have the animals shit you back out. And then I'm gonna put a nice little rope around that area, and that's gonna be the Shady cock girl's New restroom.

[Morlar]

Just don't let Janek the drunkard.

[Hildy]

Only Yannick. Only Janek. It's gonna be his personal place to do what he does. And you know what he can do to a chamber pot takes the finish off.

[Morlar]

Well, after a consult with my sister and as the proprietor of this establishment, they are banished. Gerd, throw them out.

[Gerd]

You got it, pheasant.

[Morlar]

You know my name is Fennec. Okay, that's done. I'm gonna go to my office now and.

[Hildy]

No, don't do the thing you do.

[Morlar]

Hey, everybody, drinks are on me.

[Hildy]

Never a good idea. I explain it to you, then you get it and you forget you do it again.

[Morlar]

I want people to like me.

[Hildy]

Maybe you should think about trying to work on your personality then.

[Morlar]

I don't want to do that.

[Hildy]

What is a Gorlok doing in my tavern?

[Glenn Close]

A Gorlok is a small humanoid creature similar to a goblin, but with slightly better breath.

[Gerd]

Get behind me all as I raise my warhammer.

[Hildy]

No, no, no, no, no, no, wait. Lower your mighty warhammer, Gerd. Unless my eyes deceive me, I may know this Gorlock.

[Glenn Close]

And lo, Hildy did in fact know this Gorlok. And upon looking more closely, she can decipher that he is bleeding from many arrows.

[Mirabel]

I am bleeding from many arrows.

[Hildy]

Mirabel, is there a spell that can help him?

[Urgral]

No, Hildy. This poor creature is beyond my aid. Here, friend, have some potion for comfort.

[Glenn Close]

Yes.

[Mirabel]

That tastes just terrible.

[Urgral]

Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities. It's just supposed to taste good.

[Mirabel]

Well, it's awful. It's somehow bitter, yet cloyingly sweet. The finish is almost mind bogglingly terrifying.

[Urgral]

Thank you so much for that feedback.

[Hildy]

Mirabel, you gotta get a handle on.

[Mirabel]

Your potions as I die. Sweet. Hildy, do you remember when we'd play together as children in the sands?

[Hildy]

Sand.

[Mirabel]

Yes, the sand. Yes, yes, I was just recalling we playing as children. Yes, Sandy sand, you were my best friend. Oh, my only friend.

[Glenn Close]

Oh, Jesus.

[Hildy]

Sure, yeah, that's you definitely remember that.

[Mirabel]

Friend, I have come to warn you. The more or less are coming.

[Hildy]

Oh, Morliths. This is not good.

[Glenn Close]

Morliths, by the by, are ruined. Creatures of pure evil. They're taller than men, with claws like iron and cold black eyes. They've served the dark masters of Golgorath since before the beginning.

[Mirabel]

I scout these lands and I saw them. The Maulists are at least a hundred strong. They seek the dreaded Aegis.

[Glenn Close]

The Dread Aegis, also known as the Armor of Doom. There are five separate pieces. The Helm of Magic, the Gauntlet of Might, the Boots of Destiny, the Sword of Power, and the Scabbard of Fate.

[Mirabel]

After the elves, humans and good creatures of the ancient times banded together and defeated Gathlemore, the evil one.

[Hildy]

Ow.

[Mirabel]

It still hurts so much. They hid each of the five separate pieces of the Dread Ages in five different places, strewn far and wide across Golgorath, where they believed no one could find them. But now evil is rising. Someone. Someone wants to put the five pieces back together again and rule all. Hildy. I always thought that someday we'd be married.

[Glenn Close]

Oh.

[Hildy]

Yes. Yes.

[Mirabel]

We both thought it. So many times.

[Hildy]

I thought about that so many times. I did dream of that. I thought that too, a bunch of times. My dear friend, who I definitely, definitely remember from when we were children in the sand. Innocent playing on the sand. Yeah.

[Mirabel]

Before I die, let me hear you whisper my name. Ah, fuck.

[Perta]

Do you not know his name?

[Urgral]

No.

[Hildy]

Do you? I know I don't know his name.

[Glenn Close]

Does he look up?

[Hildy]

Maybe a John or a.

[Urgral]

It could be a John. Could be a Luscious or Lucius.

[Hildy]

Okay, I thank you for the warning. Sleep the sleep of the gallant Sweet, sweet Lucius.

[Mirabel]

Thank you. Wait, who the is Lucius?

[Glenn Close]

Oh.

[David]

Blue Nile. Dana, I don't have to tell you about Blue Nile. I do not. There's the one guy I don't have to tell them, but I will. Yeah, Blue Nile, you will. This is the time of year Blue Nile blows up the hardest. Because if you're looking back at your amazing memories from 2024, maybe you're in love, maybe you're looking at 2025. What are your plans? Maybe they involve getting engaged. Right? You're making a big step.

[Dana]

You can source your engagement ring from bluenilenow.com Blue Nile. Why do all the work when Blue Nile will do it for you? Do you know, David, Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999. Did you know that?

[David]

I actually recall that. But do you know, Dana, the only time we say each other's names is during these.

[Dana]

Right, that's what's funny.

[David]

They offer a diamond price guarantee, which means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. And you can feel great about the purchase because you got a great one and you got it for less.

[Dana]

Yeah. The thing about Blue Nile, David, they're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. So you can feel great about that too.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dana]

There's a Bonus.

[David]

Jewelry is a tough word. I don't know how to say it right.

[Dana]

Yeah.

[David]

Blue Nile orders are insured and they arrive incognito, you know, so you don't have to worry about that. They got guaranteed service and repairs for life, guaranteed free shipping and return. I mean, there's so much going on there.

[Dana]

Yeah. And you know, you're going to want to hear things. There's things you want to hear in life after their. Your other significant other opens up their incredible Blue Nile gift. Oh, honey, you shouldn't have. Oh, I love you, honey. This is beautiful, honey. Where did you get it? Bob's jewelry store? No, Blue Nile.

[David]

Blue Nile. Oh, honey, it's so bright and blinding.

[Dana]

Yeah, this is. Come on.

[David]

One more unforgettable memory for 2024. Right now, go to blue nile.com use code FLY for 50 bucks off your purchase of $500 or more.

[Dana]

That's $50 off with code FLY@blue nile.com blue nile.com as hard as we try.

[David]

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[Dana]

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[David]

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[Dana]

And it's horrible when toilet paper fails you and you've used the restroom and then your significant other says, did it please you or did it fail you? And you just go thumbs down. Total fail.

[David]

Yeah. Also they're making it skinnier. I think toilet paper, because I'm, you know, I'm, I've got a roll of paper towels in there. For what reason? I'm not going to tell you. But a bidet is a device, just so you know, Dana, that delivers a precise stream of fresh water to wash your booty. If I get too technical, tell me after you go. Number deuce. For less than 50 bucks, you can convert your regular toilet into a bidet with a luxe bidet, America's number one best selling bidet attachment.

[Dana]

Oh, I see. That's clever.

[David]

Cleans better than toilet paper.

[Dana]

You know, listen, toilet paper, you're making choices.

[David]

If a bird poops on your face, would you just clean up with paper? No.

[Dana]

You'd wash it off, right? Yeah. This is so archaic. I mean, Billy Toilet was a French inventor and he said, we're going to wipe our bottoms with paper, thin paper and little squares. What are you going to call? I don't know. My name is Billy Toilet.

[David]

How about toilet paper and you know, I don't. I know you've talked about skid marks in the past, but we don't. There's no poopy crumbs, there's no nothing. These are technical, scientific words. It's just more effective. It saves you money in toilet paper. Lux Bidet is America's favorite bidet. They've washed millions of behinds and B holes, so that's good. Lux Bidet Neo plus is the only bidet with a fast slide and installation. It attaches your existing toity in minutes. Just a few DIY steps. Everything you need comes in the box. No plumbing. Yeah, you don't have to be like a super plumber or electrician.

[Dana]

Oh, this is so easy. This is what I'm, you know, no more skid marks, no more butt crumbs. I mean, this is getting better and better.

[David]

You're always chanting that you walk away fresh and clean. It's a spa day for your behind. I'm going to say.

[Dana]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. It's your butt goes to the spa with this, this product.

[David]

Okay.

[Dana]

A car wash for your ass. I just said it.

[David]

Luxbody makes a great gift. People laugh when they see it, but then they're going to love it. Gift for your friends, your family. Maybe you can tell which ones need a little extra help.

[Dana]

Really need it. The ones who will be super excited. Use code fly on my butt. Use code fly on my butt to get 20 off [e-mail]. that's L U X E B I d et.com yes, Lux bidet.

[David]

The better way to go.

[Glenn Close]

Later that evening, in the center of town, the citizens of Mirvale hold meeting with the Council of the Seven Village Elders. Who are all dudes, and much to Hildy's chagrin, her idiot brother Finnick is the leader of the Council.

[Morlar]

Even though Morliths attack from time to time. As we all know, they have never attacked our village in numbers. Yet now 100 morliths are coming. For what reason, esteemed guests, we do not know.

[Hildy]

We do know they're seeking one of the pieces of the Dread Aegis. The Gorlok literally just told us that in great specific detail.

[Morlar]

Yeah, I didn't get all of that. Gentlemen of the Council of the Elders. Seven, what say you?

[Hildy]

Wait, wait, wait, Listen. Why don't we just send Mirabel's raven out to see what they're actually up to? This way we can better plan our defenses.

[Urgral]

My Raven Wandreth is quite a fast flyer. And though she only speaks in song, she is very, very efficient.

[Hildy]

I speak only in song. The day is long. How can this be wrong?

[Morlar]

Honestly, that bird creeps everyone out. Mirabel. It really does. Also, also, her songs barely have any rhymes. Have you ever heard of a rhyme scheme, Raven?

[Hildy]

A, A, B, B, B, A. What kind of rhyme would you like to do, gentlemen?

[Morlar]

Irregardless of my respect unexpected sister statement, I believe that we need to march forth and meet these Morliths head on.

[Hildy]

Wait, wait, wait. The Gorlok said there are a hundred Morlists headed towards us. And your solution is to take seven men and ride straight at them?

[Morlar]

Oh, Hildy, Hildy, Hildy. My simple, sweet younger sister, who I love with all of my heart. You just don't get it. Sometimes as a man, you need to put on some armor, mount your horse, you don't and go into battle to kick some fucking ass.

[Hildy]

Men, please, please listen to me. Don't do this. We can make a better plan. At least you could take Gerd with you. She could defeat all seven of you in one battle.

[Gerd]

No way. I am strong indeed, but not stupid enough to go fight a hundred more or less with these soon to be dead idiots.

[Dana]

Panic half giant.

[Hildy]

Listen, I know we've had our differences and I know that recently I may have threatened to kill you repeatedly. Well, you deserved it. But you're also my brother and I do love you. And if anyone's gonna kill you, it should be me. So I'm asking you, please don't Go.

[Morlar]

I must. We will return in victory. And then free drinks at the Shady Cockerel for everyone forever. Men 2 Battle.

[Glenn Close]

Fennec leads a charge of the seven brave fools as they gallop up the hillside. If only they had heeded Hildy's warning, perhaps Mirabel's raven wandereth would have seen that the Morliths were not alone as they charged westward towards Merevale. No. They were led by a mighty Ur dragon, far from its home in Sha'adu. It is a size of 30 horses with mighty wings, razor talons, and a breath of flame.

[Hildy]

The dragon sits on his rocky throne on the mountaintop. In quiet repose, he gazes out into the night at his earthly realm, his eyes aglow. And you bravely climb the rock face with your sword of iron and your armor gleaming to bravely face the beast. All the townsfolk look up from below and say, are you fucking stupid? Why would you ever fuck with a dragon? You can't wish having morons. Have you never read a storybook? I'd like. It's a secret. First he's gonna bathe you in hot fire, and then he's gonna swallow you whole and he's gonna shit you into a volcano. All of this could have been avoided, but you were the fool who.

[David]

Or he could fuck with a dragon.

[Hildy]

You are the mo with a dragon. Stupid. Stupid.

[David]

Now, the. The holidays are coming up. I don't know if you know this, Dana, but it is October, and then.

[Dana]

It will be November, and then that's the holiday season. Right.

[David]

We include Halloween in that. So between traveling, having your family around, we've teamed up with Ring and it's helped them.

[Dana]

Yeah.

[David]

You know, because Ring cameras, which everyone knows. Everyone knows that that's a household product at this point. You want to catch these merry moments because there's a lot, A lot of times I see online there's funny videos, and a lot of them are from Ring cameras. People leave the house, something funny happens. So you always have that. So. But from Ring doorbells that alert you when gifts arrive at the door, to indoor cams that let you check in on pets to see if the creatures are stirring at home.

[Dana]

Yeah. You can check in on your lovely.

[David]

Dog with alarm kits that deliver peace of mind during your holiday travel, Ring has your whole home covered. Wherever the season takes you. You're always home for the holidays with Ring. And I have, you know, Ring cameras. I think almost everyone does, you know.

[Dana]

Yeah. And you can talk to your dog.

[David]

Right through Ring can do whatever you want. You Know, we have people come to the door and it doesn't even. You don't have to be home. You just talk to them and say, man, you know, just rob the place.

[Dana]

Someone's at your door. You know, they're there. I mean, it does seem very good if you, you know, want to stay in touch with loved ones.

[David]

Yeah, they're easy to install. Even Heather can do it. I can't, but Heather can do it. Who installed?

[Dana]

Oh, Heather did. Yeah.

[David]

You just plug it in? No, you just. You place it anywhere you want. You can have a couple. You know, it turns off the mic. If. If you want, you can adjust it. You know what I mean? And then the old. That's indoors, you could do all that. And then you got the video doorbell, which everyone knows.

[Dana]

Yeah.

[David]

Someone's at your door. Bing, bong. You hear it. You can answer the door, speak to delivery people.

[Dana]

Yeah, right, exactly. You can see a high up and down low with the head to toe video. So you kind of really, you know, and tell them where to leave the packages. What can't it do in terms of this?

[David]

I like that. Head to toe. That's a good description because. Yeah, I don't want to just see this. I want to see what am I dealing with here. So head to ring.com to find the latest deals on ring video doorbells, cams and alarms, and shop gifts for everyone on your list. It's a good gift. It says two people that rely on our voice. You know, this is a job. Stand up, this, whatever. Zycam is great because if you feel a cold coming on, you know, I have Zycam in my bag. Like, if you're on the road, give it a couple of squirts because your throat's sore. Sniffling. That's when I go for it because it's sort of. If you're already in the throes of it, it will speed it up, it will shorten.

[Dana]

It will shorten the cold or reduce the symptoms. So that the second you start feeling. Because sometimes you go, oh, man, am I getting a cold? And that's when you hit as I can nail it.

[David]

And it's kind of fun. Yeah. They have rapid melts, medicated food drops, a lot of flavors, you know, nasal swabs. Those are fun sprays.

[Dana]

Yeah. So you can get it in a lot of different ways. If you feel a cold coming on at the first sign, reach for cold shortening products from Zycam, the number one cold shortening brand.

[David]

And for best results, use at the first sign of a cold and continue to use until the symptoms completely subside.

[Dana]

Pick up Zycam in the cold and flu aisle. Visit Zycam.com to see where to buy online.

[Glenn Close]

The dragon blows her mighty breath of flame, and the men from Mirvale are instantly incinerated.

[Hildy]

Oh, no. Fennec.

[David]

My brother.

[Glenn Close]

My older brother is dead. In the distance, we hear the sound of 100 morelifications soldiers as they crest the hillside. A sound that would chill anyone to the bone.

[Hildy]

Hey, everyone, get back to the shady Cockerel. We'll bar the doors. Mirval, stop at your house and bring the forbidden potions.

[Urgral]

I'm not so sure about that, Hildy. My potion abilities are not yet mastered.

[Hildy]

That's exactly what I'm counting on. Bring the absolute worst potions you can find. We'll need everything you have if you want to stay alive.

[Urgral]

Okay, I get you, mate. Look, I'll be there in a jiffy.

[Perta]

Entertainment. Put the kids and caregivers into the back room.

[Gerd]

No pushing or shoving, please. Can you please help me brace the door? Hildy, my very best friend. I see so many Morliths marching in such an evil manner.

[Glenn Close]

A large Morlith. The leader named Morlar the Strong leads the charge.

[Finnick]

Leave none of them alive. We shall drink their delicious, yummy blood.

[Gerd]

Hildy, they're closed. Now what do we do first, best friend?

[Hildy]

First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna pray to Balthazar with our left hand, and then we're gonna kick a little ass with our right.

[David]

Ooh, that's cool, baby.

[Gerd]

Best friend. That sounded really cool.

[Hildy]

Thank you. I felt good about it. I say let them come for us. They'll find that the women of this village have sharper teeth than the men. No offense to the men present, but we do need you to fight too. But you're, you know, you're not great usually. Look, there upon the bar. There are swords and shields for everyone. Not you. You know who I'm talking to. Nicholas, put it down.

[Finnick]

Aw.

[Glenn Close]

There were only 25 townspeople in the cockerel who were fit to draw weapons. Not enough. The Morliths entered the Shady Cockerel. Morlar the Strong is in the lead. He looks disgustedly at the townfolk led by Hildy and her friends.

[Finnick]

This will be easier than I thought. Just a bunch of women and a couple of really petite men.

[Mirabel]

Give the word, Captain. I want to drink blood.

[Finnick]

You know what we're here for. Urgral the horned One seeks it. Give me what I seek and I Shall kill you quickly.

[Hildy]

I can't say I love that deal more lifts.

[Finnick]

You may attack when ready and drink the blood of numerous babies.

[Glenn Close]

Hildy looks at Morlar the Strong. She wonders what is he staring at? Behind the bar, Gerd is attacked and swarmed by Morlas.

[Hildy]

Warhammer.

[Gerd]

Warhammer?

[Perta]

Why do you say Warhammer while you kill them?

[Gerd]

Well, friend, my mom used to say it when she would kill enemies with her Warhammer families.

[Hildy]

Am I right?

[Glenn Close]

Hildy now wields a sword in both hands. She stabs and dodges the ever growing crowd of Morliths, yet she notices that Morlar the Strong still isn't engaged in the fight.

[Hildy]

What's he doing? He's looking at that old scabbard we had hanging back there behind the bar forever.

[Gerd]

What's that scabbard again, best friend?

[Hildy]

The sheath for the sword. Perta, I need your speed. Don't let him grab it.

[Glenn Close]

Perta gracefully leaps towards the scabbard, grabbing it, sucking before Morlar the straw can clutch it in his huge ugly hands.

[Hildy]

Healthy catch. Got him.

[Finnick]

You stole what is mine. Now you die.

[Perta]

Not today, because I'm really, really fast.

[Glenn Close]

Perta jumps away seconds before Morlar's mighty mace can smash her head.

[Hildy]

Warhammer, Gerd, on your left.

[Glenn Close]

Gerd looks to her left and there are just too many Morlas to fight at once.

[Gerd]

Oh no.

[Glenn Close]

Gerd, thinking she has just been given a death blow, sees that what she thought was a Morlith landing a strike to her mighty was really Perta underneath a Morlith. And she's just sunk a dagger into his unholy scrotum.

[Gerd]

Okay, you are now my second best friend.

[Hildy]

Hell yes.

[Mirabel]

The one with the hammer is strong, my lord.

[Gerd]

Warhammer.

[Hildy]

Warhammer.

[Dana]

Second wave.

[Glenn Close]

As the rest of the Moras heed the call for the second wave wave to enter the shady cockerel, they are met by a curious sight in the street outside the tavern.

[Mirabel]

What is that?

[Finnick]

It's a woman.

[Mirabel]

What's that on its face?

[Urgral]

It's a gas mask, mate.

[Glenn Close]

Mirabel steadies herself, then closes the door to the cockerel.

[Mirabel]

Kill her.

[Urgral]

It's funny really, because I was trying to create a natural facial cleanser, and what I created by accident is actually the deadliest potion known to womankind. And as much as I hate to kill so many, if anything, well, you're all unspeakably evil. So bye bye, mates.

[Glenn Close]

Mirabel smashes the crystals to the ground, releasing the dreadful poison into the air.

[Urgral]

Keep that door closed inside. This is seriously wicked stuff. And also, it's a really horrible exfoliator.

[Hildy]

Morlar the Strong, face me.

[Finnick]

Oh, I shall. I have the wonderful good fortune to end your life today. And Urgral the Horned One shall reassemble the pieces of the Dread Ages. And all Golgoroth shall bend to his will.

[Hildy]

Morlar, our battle will live on in legend. The bards will sing of this.

[Glenn Close]

Clap Warhammer Gurd strikes a mighty blow upon Morlar the Strong, smashing his head into a million pieces.

[Hildy]

Ah. Gerd. I was gonna kill him. I had, like, a whole plan.

[Glenn Close]

Upon seeing their fierce leader killed, the rest of the Morliths flee like rats. We've won.

[Hildy]

We won the battle.

[Gerd]

Um.

[David]

Ow.

[Urgral]

Wait, what?

[Hildy]

What happened?

[Gerd]

Uh, Morlar stabbed me a little bit.

[Perta]

Mirabel, get in here.

[Urgral]

I can't. The air outside is still poison. Luckily, you're inside with the door closed, so no poison can reach you as it dissipates into the Golgorathian atmosphere.

[Hildy]

Gertrude, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Perda, grab the cloth off the bar. No, not that one. Plea. The clean one.

[Gerd]

Am I dying, very best friend? Am I dying, very best for. Let me look, let me look.

[David]

Oh, thank the gods.

[Hildy]

No, you're gonna have quite a scar, but you'll live. Especially if Mirabel can give you a potion that's worth a shit.

[Urgral]

I'm going to come inside in 10, 9, 8.

[Perta]

This doesn't seem like science. You're just randomly counting down from 10, saying it's safe.

[Urgral]

3, 2, 1.

[Perta]

And you skipped four numbers.

[Urgral]

Here I come.

[Glenn Close]

Mirabel rushes into the tavern.

[Urgral]

Good. Oh, my sweet good. Just a second, mate. Let me give you some potion.

[Gerd]

I should tell you, Mirabel, that I've always loved you. My second or now third best friend. But I wish you were my first best girlfriend.

[Urgral]

Oh, well, that's lovely. Okay, confession time. I've always hoped that you'd fancied me, but you're not going to die. Okay? Here, drink this.

[Hildy]

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

[Mirabel]

Wait.

[Hildy]

Are you sure that that's the right potion?

[Urgral]

Of course I am. Oh, wait. Oh, actually, no, no, don't drink that. Do not drink that.

[Perta]

Damn it. Maribel always double check. We've been through this. Please.

[Urgral]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, you're right. I know. I'm so glad that you said something, Hildy. She would have been a goner for sure if she'd drunk that. And then I'd be out of a new girlfriend. This one is the right one.

[Glenn Close]

Bird takes a sip of the potion. And it tastes slightly less horrific than Maribel's usual potions.

[Urgral]

You are so brave. Let me kiss your cheek.

[Glenn Close]

Mirabel does kiss Gerd's cheek. And whether it is because the potion actually has healing powers, or perhaps the kiss from a new girlfriend, color flushes back to her mighty cheeks.

[David]

Wow.

[Gerd]

If I hadn't been so recently stabbed, I would call this day perfect.

[Hildy]

Thank goodness. It looks like you're gonna be okay. I have to be honest, I don't think I could handle any more surprises today.

[Glenn Close]

With that, footsteps APPROACH them Hi, Hildy.

[Morlar]

What did I miss?

[Hildy]

Fennec. You're alive. It's got to be me. I must set us all free? It's my destiny? My name is Hildy? And I'm fortunate in the lake of fire? My name is Hildy.