Madonna Stories & What NOT To Say To Women

Summary

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Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey & David Spade

Episode: Madonna Stories & What NOT To Say To Women
Release Date: October 13, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this lively and joke-packed episode, comedians Dana Carvey and David Spade do their signature riffing on showbiz, pop culture, awkward social situations, and trending stories—with special focus on tales about Madonna, what (not) to say to women, run-ins with fame, and playful banter around current events and viral clips. Joined by regular Heather Santoro and producer Greg Holtzman, they jump from personal anecdotes to political impressions and the absurdities of modern life, all in their trademark chemistry-driven style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Awkward Encounters with Fame & Old Friends

• David’s Seattle Trip & High School Reunions (03:01–07:25)
  • David shares a story about seeing an old high school friend at a corporate gig, struggling to remember mutual acquaintances, and faking recognition out of politeness.
  • On the difficulty of remembering people:

    "So I just said, oh, yeah. She was such a handful. I think I said something very generic."
    —David Spade (06:02)

  • Dana relates meeting Paul McCartney and realizing “big moments” for one side often mean little to superstars.

2. Celebrity Encounters: Madonna Stories

• David’s Brush with Sandra Bernhard & Madonna (07:30–09:22)

  • David recounts a cold encounter with Sandra Bernhard, who was a big deal in his high school and famously friends with Madonna. He approached her as a novice standup and got little response.
  • On meeting Madonna:

    "I met your friend. Did not go well."
    —David Spade (09:22)

• Dana’s Madonna Faux Pas (09:41–11:16)

  • Dana tells his Wayne’s World/SNL Madonna story: at a party, he admired how “fit” she was, not realizing it might be perceived as diminishing her artistry.
  • After Madonna calls out the comment, Dana does a Chris Farley impression, flipping her off in jest—which she responds to playfully later.
  • Reflecting on Madonna’s legacy:

    "Madonna lit the match…they copied Madonna."
    —Dana Carvey (11:17)

3. What (Not) to Say to Women (11:41–13:12)

• Dana and David riff on backhanded or clueless compliments like "sturdy," "healthy," "strong," and "bulking up for something." They agree these are all dangerous territory when speaking to women.

  • "Healthy is the worst thing you could say to anyone."
    —David Spade (12:01)

• Heather offers:

  "You look fantastic." (12:37)

• They acknowledge it’s often reflex to focus on appearance, but just giving a genuine compliment is always safest.

4. Political Satire & Current Events

• Middle East Peace Deal & Trump Impressions (15:52–18:21)

  • Dana does Obama and Trump impressions, poking fun at political credit-claiming over peace deals.
  • David:

    "He doesn't like pauses. You're right.” (17:58)

• Sen. John Kennedy’s Taylor Swift Lyric Quote in Congress (20:20–21:26)

  • Heather recites Senator Kennedy's reading of Taylor Swift lyrics decontextualized in a congressional hearing for comedic effect.
  • Dana and David lampoon his grandstanding and exaggerated performance style.

  • “Whatever your side… you gotta laugh.”
    —Dana Carvey (23:19)

5. Viral & Oddball News Stories

a. Saggy Pants Crackdown (23:36–26:24)

• Teens in Tennessee jailed for indecent exposure for sagging pants.
• Dana explains the origin: it comes from prisons, where belts are confiscated.
• On the fashion trend:

  “You look shuffly… but all fashion, like, it doesn't matter. If you can handle it, do it.”
  —David Spade (25:41)

b. Viral Woman Returns $2,000 Gift (27:06–29:57)

• A dating story where a woman sends back a $2k birthday gift as not meeting her “standards,” sparking debates about values and entitlement.
• Dana:

  “2,000 in cash would feel like 20,000 because everything is digital… you never really see or feel your money.” (28:01)

• Reflection on social media and “Kardashian effect” warping gift expectations.

c. LeBron James/Hennessy Lawsuit (30:11–31:40)

• A fan sues LeBron for implying he might retire, causing them to overpay for tickets, only for him to announce a brand partnership.
• Jokes about the scope of lawsuits and LeBron’s athletic longevity.
• “No one wants under millions. Why does anyone sue anyone?”
  —David Spade (31:29)

d. “Woman from the Nation of Terenza” at JFK (33:57–36:19)

• A wild news story: a woman at JFK presents a passport from a non-existent country; vanishes on security cameras.
• The hosts debate if it’s a hoax, a sign of AI-powered misinformation, or "alien" activity.

• “AI don’t believe it. Smart, right?”
  —Dana Carvey (35:46)

e. AI Laser Weapons & Firefighting Policies (42:04–50:26)

• Playful riffing on the Pentagon’s AI-controlled energy weapons and concerns about AI autonomy.
• Discussion of the California wildfire, firefighting staffing, and resource allocation controversies.

• "We could put more money toward that. It would be great."
  —David Spade (51:12)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On meeting Madonna (Dana):

  “I said the thing I admire about you most—how fit you are... And she basically kind of said, ‘the thing you admire about me is how fit I am? I'm an artist, you know what I mean?’" (10:06)

• Generic small talk pitfalls (David):

  “Let me tell you something that are not compliments to women. Sturdy. You look strong. You look healthy... are you bulking up for something?” (12:01)

• On social media & cash impulses:

  “Everything is digital, electronic, you never really see or feel your... So when you have money in your hand... there’s something better about that.”
  —Dana Carvey (28:01)

• UFO/AI suspicion:

  "Pretty soon, they can do anything with AI. They could say a criminal will get off robbing a bank. They show the video, they go, that could be AI, it's not me.”
  —David Spade (35:49)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Show's Start and Initial Banter — 02:21
• David’s Seattle/Corporate Gig & Old Friends — 03:01–07:25
• Sandra Bernhard, Madonna & Fame Disconnect — 07:30–09:22
• Wayne's World & Madonna Story — 09:41–11:16
• What NOT to Say to Women — 11:41–13:12
• Political Satire: Middle East Peace Deal — 15:52–18:21
• Senator John Kennedy Reads Taylor Swift Lyrics — 20:20–21:26
• Saggy Pants / Fashion Trends — 23:36–26:24
• $2,000 Gift Viral Story — 27:06–29:57
• LeBron James & Hennessy Lawsuit — 30:11–31:40
• Nation of Terenza / Passport Story — 33:57–36:19
• AI Weapons & Firefighting Funding — 42:04–51:12
• Boston Slide Cop Test / Playground Dangers — 54:26–56:39

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Notable Segments Not to Miss

• Impressions showcase: Dana’s Obama and Trump (17:09–18:21), plus Senator Kennedy and their interplay on political absurdity.
• Listener/YouTube comment banter: (56:42–57:32) — playful self-deprecation about recurring jokes and wardrobe.

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Conclusion

This episode is a classic “Fly on the Wall” blend: equal parts personal confession, punchlines, absurd news, showbiz reflection, and political lampooning. Dana and David’s laughter is infectious, effortlessly swinging from Madonna-lore to what makes a bad compliment, faux pas with celebrities, and the never-ending weirdness of viral news. The episode is a strong reminder of why their chemistry and timing keep listeners returning for more.

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Transcript

[David Spade]

You know, when it gets colder, I always fall in the same trap. Heavy meals, too much takeout, and suddenly I'm like, why do my jeans hate me?

[Dana Carvey]

I know. Yeah, me too. I mean, I'll open the fridge in December, and it's like, half a pizza and an orange from 1997. Not a lot of healthy options, David. But here's the thing. Staying on track doesn't have to be impossible. Our new friends@forkful meals.com totally flips that script. Honestly, I didn't think I'd stick with it, but these meals show up for fresh every week. Chef prepared real food, not frozen mystery mush. Just heat it, eat it, and boom. You're not calling DoorDash for the fifth time that week.

[David Spade]

Yeah, it's not just about eating better. It's about time. I'd rather spend 30 minutes working on a bit for my hilarious act than 30 minutes staring into my oven going, is this thing even on?

[Dana Carvey]

Right. This is that one little thing that keeps you sane during the cold months. No stress, no junk, just done. But here's the deal. Do it now. If you. If you wait till the holiday slump hits, you'll be knee deep in stuffing and regret. Head to forkfoldmeals.com and use the code POD50 for 50% off your first order.

[David Spade]

All right, that's forkful meals.com code POD50. That's POD5O. Seriously, don't wait. Your future self will thank you.

[Dana Carvey]

Yes, thank you for not feeding me.

[Heather Santoro]

The leftover lasagna for the 12th time.

[Dana Carvey]

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[David Spade]

Maybe you're in the mood for a thrilling Thursday. Grab some popcorn and stream huge blockbusters like Marvel Studios Thunderbolts on Disney.

[Heather Santoro]

Or.

[David Spade]

Or get caught up with the most enthralling news on what you need to know. Gather the fam for Flashback Friday and binge all episodes of Modern Family or Grey's Anatomy. So discover something every day on Disney and Hulu. It's the movies and shows you love every day. 18 and up. Only offer valid for eligible subscribers. Only terms apply.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, David.

[David Spade]

Dana. I don't have time for pleasantries. We got such a hot show.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, we do. Let's tell everybody what's coming Up.

[David Spade]

Well, we got a lot of hot, big stories coming on.

[Dana Carvey]

We're talking. We're talking again. We're talking about UFOs. Please forgive us. We're talking about UFOs. I've got a hot take on the situation in the Middle east and what's going on there.

[David Spade]

And we've got some John Kennedy.

[Dana Carvey]

We've got some Senator John Kennedy.

[David Spade]

That's right.

[Dana Carvey]

Coming up.

[David Spade]

And I was out with Adam, and I've got all the juicy goss.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, the behind the scenes of the Adam sandler Epic film 50 city tour tour.

[David Spade]

That's right.

[Dana Carvey]

That's good. That's coming up in a sec. But first of all, how was your. Your David, Believe it or not, everybody just got off the road and came directly to the studio, as far as I can tell.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's right. That's. I just got here from Seattle. Had a great time. Seattle is a beautiful. Really, you know, especially when you fly over. If it rains anywhere a lot, it makes it look nice.

[Dana Carvey]

I would say Seattle and. Or Vancouver on a Sunday day is kind of the best city in the world.

[David Spade]

Wow.

[Dana Carvey]

Unfortunately, they have three or four days a year of absolute sun.

[David Spade]

I was about to say strong words from a weak man, but hey, them fighting words.

[Dana Carvey]

You weren't on a live stream.

[David Spade]

You're actually pretty tough. I don't have my glowing back hair, which a lot of people are going to complain about on YouTube.

[Dana Carvey]

People can't read the little thing. They can't see Superman.

[David Spade]

They like to see my fluffy mullet glowing.

[Dana Carvey]

Let me ask you a question. When you were in Seattle, the mullet looks great. The sidewalls, the whole thing. Did you go on the Space Needle?

[David Spade]

I did not. They turned that into a Covid shot. Did you hear? No, I'm kidding.

[Dana Carvey]

Just for Cyclops, in case.

[David Spade]

Yeah, no, I did. I did get there. It was kind of a pretty day. We got one of them. And then I did a corporate. Now, of course, everyone loves to hear, what's your corporate gig about? It was four hotels and funnily enough, I stayed in a hotel. So it all fit. All the pieces fit. But here's the one thing, Dana.

[Dana Carvey]

So you had 10 minutes of upfront Riff.

[David Spade]

I saw a guy there that I went to high school with. He worked for the company and he says this is an awkward position to be in because everyone was nice. The gig was great. But he says, oh, the CEO and his wife are great people. They know this girl Jenny used to crowd what is out couch surf, always crashed at her house. While you were starting out.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, okay.

[David Spade]

Does not ring a bell. And I said, oh, like, I stated her. Okay. And then I couldn't remember. I guess I'm old. I don't know. I usually remember things.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, were you there? The comedy underground? Was that still around in Arizona? No, sorry. I was in Seattle.

[David Spade]

Still.

[Dana Carvey]

Sorry.

[David Spade]

No, okay. No, he's. He's from Arizona.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Oh, he. Okay, got it.

[David Spade]

So he's saying, back then when I started, I'm like, oh, okay. It does ring a bell. Then I. That some already. I don't want to make him feel weird, but I'm like, I don't know. So then I go in and I do the meet and greet. And the last picture is this couple that's obviously the CEO and his lovely wife. And she said, oh, by the way, we know Jenny. And I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah. I just went with it. I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

You can't. I do that all the time. You probably don't remember. You probably don't remember me. I'm Steve. Like, are you kidding? Steve?

[David Spade]

Because it's just better because they're so nice and they were. And I just couldn't rack my brain. I didn't have time to go, wait, walk me through it again. So I was just like, she is such a character. She was the biggest whore. Um, no, I didn't know what to say. You know, she start running the wrong way with it. They're like, what? No, that's not. No, she's great. So I just said, oh, yeah. She was such a handful. I think I said something very generic.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. Well, remember. Remember when we were interviewing Paul McCartney, name drop. And I brought up meeting him at Lawrence, and he made a funny face and he said, oh, right. I don't know what to say about that. You know, it was 40 years later and it was such a big moment for me. But how many times does he have fawning people?

[David Spade]

I know. Dana was like, it was such. It was the first 40 pages of my diary. And he's like, lorne Michaels, Long Island.

[Dana Carvey]

I know, but the guy, poor guy.

[David Spade]

Everyone shits their pants when they meet Paul.

[Dana Carvey]

Of course they don't forget it. But then he meets a million people, you know?

[David Spade]

Right.

[Dana Carvey]

But the same thing. You were just David Spade in a comedy club, probably. No offense, not that good yet. Looked about 13 easy, some taken. And to them then you became iconic or super famous.

[David Spade]

It's a little strong. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, let's talk about your high school. Who in your high School is famous.

[David Spade]

You know, Sandra Bernhardt went to my high school. You know, Santa Bernard, right? Yeah, yeah. And all the presidents went to my high school. No, actually, Sandra Bernhardt went. And that was a big deal because picture comedy. And I have to say, this is what you say about meeting people. I was out in LA on Southwest, my second year of stand up, going back and forth. I see her at the luggage rack, you know, this turnstile, Okay? I walk up and she's a pretty big deal. Was hanging out with Madonna at the time. She wasn't with her there at the Southwest luggage ruck. But I said, hey, Sandra, my name. And I went to Saguaro High School, and so did you. And I'm out here doing stand up, thinking she's gonna, what, do cartwheels? She goes like this, oh, okay. And then she's looking for a bag, and I go, yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool. So I'm gonna fucking get out of your grill. And then she just gave me nothing. And I was like, it really kind of stung a little bit, even though it just happened. She didn't do nothing wrong.

[Dana Carvey]

I just, you know, I once I had a head cold. I flew to a gig in Florida, way back, San Francisco. My ear was out of control, like, years late. I punctured it. Like, years later, I went to an ear guy and he goes, hey, what happened over here? The cartilage was all decimated. So I still in massive pain at.

[David Spade]

Oozing sand out of your luggage, Cl.

[Dana Carvey]

And that guy goes, I know high school. I mean, I was like, I'm sorry. I'm in a lot of pain.

[David Spade]

And I know what you said. I'm sorry.

[Dana Carvey]

So that Sandra Bernard, that was in her book, and she had extreme diarrhea when she met you and needed to get out of there, that she said.

[David Spade]

I had diarrhea from 1989-93. So I was tough on people. But no, she was fine. I might have even met her after that. I don't know. But I think when I met Madonna, I go, I met your friend. Did not go well.

[Dana Carvey]

Can I tell you my Madonna story?

[David Spade]

Please.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, she was in the Wayne's World film, and she was around a little bit.

[David Spade]

She was at Wayne's World on SNL when you do Wayne's World, right?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, we did a short film and, you know, and so she was cool, but I just stepped in it without knowing. She came over to our table at the party and I think I said something really stupid because she was so fit, you know, I said the Thing I admire about you, and I shouldn't have said admire about you most, I might have accidentally said that is, you know, how fit you are. And I can see later how she took offense to it. And she basically kind of said, you know, like, the thing you admire about me is how fit I am. You know, like, I'm a artist. You know what I mean?

[David Spade]

So she said, come on.

[Dana Carvey]

Kind of like you or something like that. Let me finish the story. So I did Chris Farley's thing, which I'd seen him do, because I just was triggered. So I go, madonna, can you hear this? Let me turn it up for you.

[David Spade]

Yeah, crank it.

[Dana Carvey]

So then she left, and about a half hour late, she came back and sat on my lap. Not in a seductive way, but in like a puppy dog friendly way.

[David Spade]

You flipped her off for real?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I went, madonna here.

[Heather Santoro]

Well, I was. This was 92 or three.

[Dana Carvey]

I'd had world. I got six Emmy nominations, so I wasn't taking.

[David Spade]

I can flip off Madonna.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. I made a mistake. I apologize to her. If she's listening on this podcast, it was a rude.

[David Spade]

She's listening to everyone. She. I have to say, I could see her saying that and being. But she is feisty, and I do think she has a sense of humor.

[Dana Carvey]

She's feisty, and I think the fact that I did that, she really respected it.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I like that you fucked her up.

[Dana Carvey]

But I would say. And I'm not saying it now because she's probably watching or listening. Is that always. When I look at Lady Gaga and all these people, all these giant Katy Perry, whatever. Madonna lit the match.

[David Spade]

I mean, they take a page out her playbook for sure.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. And they almost do her songs and the whole big production and dancing and they're, you know, gay following everything. They copied Madonna.

[David Spade]

I would get nervous around Madonna. I saw Madonna SNL once. I saw her somewhere else. I've seen her out. I get nervous so that she's a big star. Now I will say I have met women and done that move where I go, oh, I haven't seen you in a while. You look so sturdy.

[Dana Carvey]

They're like, sturdy. Oh, like a heifer cow.

[David Spade]

Let me tell you something that are not compliments to women. Sturdy. You look strong. You look healthy. Healthy is the worst thing you could say to anyone. And are you bulking up for something?

[Dana Carvey]

Right. I think the extra weight looks good on you. That's not. That's not what I always say is birth and hips. What's your most friendly, heartfelt, Maybe slightly kiss assy thing to say to a woman you haven't seen in a while or anybody really.

[Heather Santoro]

You look fantastic.

[David Spade]

I mean, it's funny that it always goes to looks, unfortunately, but it is sort of like a nervous thing to just say you look great or you look. Someone told me the other day I looked very well rested. I told you that, Heather. Remember? You look very. No, they said actually the word refreshed, which I don't hear a lot. You don't hear that well.

[Dana Carvey]

I think it's people need. It's not, it's not negative to just say a nice thing to someone, you know, because we're all aging and then you haven't seen someone in 20 years. You want to hear, hey what? Where's Dorian Gray? Or you know, it's just playful.

[David Spade]

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[Dana Carvey]

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[David Spade]

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[Dana Carvey]

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[David Spade]

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[Dana Carvey]

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[Dana Carvey]

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[David Spade]

What do you want to get into? Before I get into.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't really get into, you know, we have a tape delay for our show, but right now, as we are recording this, there's been a peace deal between Israel in Gaza. And I just thought, first of all, I went on the New York Times and they had a big thing of Kushner. The, the, the brother in law solves the Middle east problem, you know, because I don't blame them.

[David Spade]

They.

[Dana Carvey]

Because Trump is a showboater. I mean, and they don't want to give him anything. So Obama came out with a statement. I want to congratulate the peace deal, Middle east and the whole, the whole, the whole team and, you know, Mr. Kushner and, and what? No, I think I want to, I want to show my appreciation. Everyone should be glad for the peace deal, for the people that.

[David Spade]

Who. And the guy's name escapes me.

[Dana Carvey]

It's kind of like it when in Hitler in Germany in the 30s, there must have been. People hated him, you know, Now I just want to thank Klaus Wilson and Wilhelm Ferser for completing the autobahn. It's fantastic. And of course, I also would like to thank. What?

[David Spade]

Oh, they, they don't even tell them.

[Dana Carvey]

They mumbled the name. Yeah, so here's Trump. If this holds through this podcast, because, yeah, I give speeches.

[David Spade]

If it lasts for three days, how much will he.

[Dana Carvey]

Because he's gonna toot his own horn. Oh, my God, I love the thing that he does. He makes a statement in the teleprompter and then he tags it with real softness, you know, I brought peace to the Middle East. I brought peace. I brought peace to the Middle east. And people like peace. I solved eight wars. Eight wars. There was seven then there was eight.

[David Spade]

And I saw seven then I'm Gonna rebuild Gaza.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm gonna rebuild it.

[David Spade]

I know how to build it.

[Dana Carvey]

People like rebuilding. They like. It's kind of docile. It's like a little teddy bear in between. But he will be out there. I hope it holds. For by the time we air this, it is a great thing.

[David Spade]

He doesn't like pauses. You're right.

[Dana Carvey]

He.

[David Spade]

He hits that prompter, then he has to fill. There's Phil.

[Heather Santoro]

He likes to tag it.

[Dana Carvey]

I did a lot of great things. Things I did that were great. And people love them. People like it. A lot of people are saying, I hate my enemies. I can't help it. You know, there's this.

[David Spade]

I hate bad people.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. I hate bad people. I don't like good people. I do a lot of things. That's for.

[David Spade]

I'll tell you on a lighter note, that's for Patrick. The Charlie Sheen being on the show was a huge hit because the clip I showed of Emilio popping in really brought back some nostalgia. And Heather, we have to find Emilio on Instagram. We should invite him on.

[Dana Carvey]

If he would come on, that'd be awesome.

[David Spade]

Because he was. I mean, we probably got 3 million people watching that. Just that clip of the reel of him popping in and you were talking about all the movies they've done, and everyone's like, oh, my God, to see those guys together. And he looks like Martin Sheen. Exactly. And people have a lot of good vibes for the two of them together. And Charlie got a lot of good comeback story. Nice. You know.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. It was a feel good podcast. I'd seen all the other podcasts, so I also, I thought about him and what he achieved and. Let's slow down for a second, you know, as an artiste. And then I always think of the brother. I've got a brother. And I think of Emilio as a film producer and director now and stuff. And. And then looking at his first five, six years out of the gate and all those iconic movies. So to see him show up, I wish we. That's too bad.

[David Spade]

Off guard. Yeah. And working man, they mentioned young guns, and we didn't even talk about those. Those are.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, those are almighty dogs.

[David Spade]

Well, that's a more Emilio side, so. But we could always.

[Dana Carvey]

But it was so sweet that, that knowing Charlie's story and, and this. The, the, the stuff he had in his life and then there he is with his brother.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's.

[Dana Carvey]

And they're. And they're completely. You can tell they're just buddies again. Was just.

[David Spade]

He's like helping him out and Then he goes, hey, come on over here for a second.

[Dana Carvey]

So it was. It's very sweet.

[David Spade]

That was nice. Other than that, should we get to some news stories? What do you want?

[Dana Carvey]

Let me just do a quick one that made me laugh. Is that. You know, Taylor Swift did the song. It's been. Now there's been 9 million things about the song wood.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

So our old friend.

[David Spade]

The working title was Boner.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Our old friend Senator John. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[David Spade]

Okay. John Kennedy.

[Dana Carvey]

Senator John Kennedy.

[David Spade]

Done him for a while.

[Dana Carvey]

Weighed in on it in a congressional hearing.

[Heather Santoro]

Now, some of the things are sons and daughters here or may not be age appropriate. This is a quote, and I quote it specifically Taylor Swift's album about her football boyfriend, player. Forgive me if it sounds crazy cocky. He automized me. He. The he. He opened my eyes. Redwood ain't hard to see. His love was the key that open my thighs. Her words, not mine. Yeah, I get that right. I get that right. Yeah, get that right.

[David Spade]

I think so.

[Heather Santoro]

And David Spade went played Seattle and he said that it was a beautiful city as long as it wasn't raining. I get that right.

[David Spade]

I did say something like that. Yeah. Yeah.

[Heather Santoro]

He shy.

[David Spade]

What about how much everything costs in.

[Dana Carvey]

The big bill.

[Heather Santoro]

And the big. What people are trying to slip in during this shutdown. Ocasio Cortez, part of the far left of her party, said we've got to put $385 million so that bisexual mixed race dwarfs that are left handed and go by the pronouns me, them. Hey, you. What's going on? Need that money so they can learn how to dance the tango.

[David Spade]

That gets. He did. That's ridiculous amount of money for that.

[Dana Carvey]

That's crazy, right?

[David Spade]

We're trying to get trans crickets in.

[Dana Carvey]

Uganda like yours has got this funny, this high tone to it.

[David Spade]

I'm trying not to commit to it because he does go high at these. Sometimes he gets really mad.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, he has a big.

[David Spade]

He goes for the bleachers. He goes for the back of the house. But sometimes he just is mumbling through and reading.

[Dana Carvey]

No, he's looking at his notes.

[Heather Santoro]

And now I. I believe that you. You tweeted October.

[David Spade]

Tweeted.

[Heather Santoro]

You tweeted 10-4-4 and I quote, I think America sucks. You still stand by that something?

[Dana Carvey]

Is that something we want your words, not mine.

[David Spade]

He knows he caught him. What a stupid look.

[Dana Carvey]

I know.

[David Spade]

He's got an easel. He's got like a pointer.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, he's such a funny character. Whatever your side of the political aisle is, you Gotta laugh.

[David Spade]

Oh, you have to sometimes.

[Dana Carvey]

Have to.

[David Spade]

Oh, okay. What else?

[Dana Carvey]

Anything we could talk about?

[David Spade]

Well, let's run with some of these stories. What do we got? Anything decent to run?

[Dana Carvey]

Let's do what we promised.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Oh, high school students are being locked up for wearing saggy pants. This is something that's been around for a while. Oh, look at these lightning bolt pants. They're pretty low, I gotta admit.

[Guest Narrator]

Wearing sagging pants to school in Bolivar, Tennessee.

[David Spade]

I ain't even know what else to do.

[Heather Santoro]

Antonio Ammons had to serve 48 hours behind.

[David Spade]

He should hook those pants handcuffs to his belt.

[Dana Carvey]

I know where this comes from.

[David Spade]

I like when they show money.

[Heather Santoro]

Pants reported happened more than once.

[David Spade]

I really like Ammons, who said he's never been said. I really like.

[Heather Santoro]

Look like at school, you can see. I'll decide of his underwear and his gym.

[David Spade]

His underpants.

[Dana Carvey]

I think jail time might be a little too much. But at the same time, a lot of saggy pants.

[Heather Santoro]

Four students were charged with indecent exposure.

[David Spade]

Look at that. Those are like five layers of pan. Too much.

[Heather Santoro]

Comedian Tim Conway way.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, there you go.

[David Spade]

Now there's some regular pants.

[Dana Carvey]

He used to do. He used to do. What was his name?

[David Spade]

Oh, dwarf on golf.

[Heather Santoro]

Dwarf golf. And he had short pants.

[Dana Carvey]

Now you know where that comes from, right?

[David Spade]

I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

PI. Look. So when you get arraigned in prison, you can't have a belt. So when they take you to a jail or whatever.

[David Spade]

Is that true?

[Dana Carvey]

They take your belt and so the convicts, it would slide down and they would walk in like that.

[David Spade]

Sometimes my sweats don't have a string. Is it like that? When I'm in jail, I usually. I go, can I just wear what I'm wearing? You know, they're like, yeah, do whatever.

[Dana Carvey]

Here's the thing. Is it okay to observe it? You know, it's kind of like you get used to it. Like there was. My brother worked at this company, and one. One day a guy decided to come in and just rolled the sleeve of one of his pants, the left leg. He rolled it up above his knee. And that was just his fashion look. So if you see pants like that, you're allowed to go, what the.

[David Spade]

No. I think it's just hard to move around and maneuver.

[Dana Carvey]

Exactly.

[David Spade]

I mean, you look shuffly and then. But all fashion, like, it doesn't matter. If you can handle it, do it.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't even not like it. I just think it's a woman. Heather. Is that sexual? Sexy.

[David Spade]

Sexy. It's a Question. He's. She's scared of bits and parts falling out. It looks like below the wean line, I have to say, like.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, it's way below that. There's the equator. It's below that. Now back.

[Heather Santoro]

Now back in the.

[Dana Carvey]

I can't get out of my. Back in the 1950s and I love Lucy had Fred Mertz and so his pants were.

[David Spade]

Oh, those are comically high.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, just the pants in those days they wore them super high. Now it's super low. It'll. Everything goes back to norm. It'll be.

[David Spade]

Todd Glass used to say sometimes fat people just make up a middle and they put the bell there. They just draw a belly button right there and go. I'm gonna call this the middle. And we're gonna.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, that's when you. Because a lot go below the gut and then it explodes from the belt. It's right around the lower pelvis. Yes. And then you can go above the gut, but in the middle gives you like a 70 inch waist which is not a curve.

[David Spade]

Right in the middle of the boiler. Okay, let's move it on from our big fashion police segment.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. Woman goes viral for sending back two thousand dollar gift because she knows her worth.

[David Spade]

Oh, baby, I'm worth it. Go to the next one. There's got to be more to this. Oh, a woman is going viral after revealing she returned $2,000, an early gift from someone she was dating, stating that gesture didn't align with her standards or values. She knows her worth and the Internet is divided. They called her bold and empowered and some say gold digger. So the guy said, I hit you at two grand for your birthday. I didn't want to get you. She said, thank you, but no thanks. That's not enough for me.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, did they say what it was?

[David Spade]

It was money. Just money.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, just cash. Sorry.

[David Spade]

Okay. Which cash isn't a bad present because you can go buy what you want. It's not as maybe thoughtful if you don't.

[Dana Carvey]

Here's the reason I think it's weird because I got a couple beans in my jeans. I kind of got a couple shekels in my pocket. The thing that blew me, blew my mind. Blew me. Sorry.

[David Spade]

It's a pizza. Not anymore.

[Dana Carvey]

Was when I went on Comedians in Cars with Jerry Seinfeld and it's. He's dropping me off in his car and he hands me the envelope. And so it's. My fee was $10,000 in cash, but it felt like 10x. So getting 2,000 in cash would feel like 20,000 because everything is digital, electronic. You never really see or feel your.

[David Spade]

So when you have money in your hand, always. If they pay me at one of these clubs for a set. Yeah, like the old days, you get 20 bucks to a set, you get 40 bucks to a set. They give you 40. It's cold, hard cash. There's something better about that than just numbers on a.

[Dana Carvey]

When I play the improv, sometimes they give you 500 bucks. They just hand it to you.

[David Spade]

I don't really need it.

[Dana Carvey]

And they hand it and it's 500 bucks. So there's something about cash. I don't know about this woman, but 2,000 in cash? What I mean, so she can't buy something she likes for two grand.

[David Spade]

Is that under the threshold of what you. I mean, I would say if they're just casually dating, it's not a thought out gift. But sometimes people go, I would rather just buy something that I want with money. But her saying, if you're giving me money, this isn't enough money to give me.

[Dana Carvey]

This is. And I don't even have to name it. The Kardashian effect. But the sense that everyone's a billionaire and we're all on yachts and we're all on private jets and the sense of feeling less than because of all this money chattering around. So you get to that with Chump.

[David Spade]

Change 2, Grandma, baby, I'm worth it. Yeah. And I think they see on TikTok people going, oh, I get money for this. And everyone's got this beautiful life on.

[Dana Carvey]

Only fans.

[Heather Santoro]

I don't know, I. I wear a bra. I get a million dollars.

[David Spade]

Yeah. The only fans girls always say how much they're getting. I think it's a little bit of a reaction of like, oh, you think this is so bad. Here's how much I make. And so.

[Dana Carvey]

Right.

[David Spade]

You're supposed to. That's supposed to shut everyone up, which. It shuts me up.

[Dana Carvey]

It pretty much shuts people.

[David Spade]

Yeah, shuts everybody up. Okay, what else? Ooh, baby, I got it. Yeah, Give it to me. I'm worth it. I can't sing that song. We'll get in trouble.

[Dana Carvey]

Fan is suing LeBron over misleading Hennessy ad.

[David Spade]

Do you know what this is about, Dana?

[Heather Santoro]

No.

[David Spade]

No. Completely blank. We talk about last time. The last podcast we did.

[Dana Carvey]

This was a couple times ago though, right?

[David Spade]

So he comes out and says, I'm making a decision like he did when he's going to Miami. And he goes, you'll hear my decision about my life at nine o'clock on Tuesday. So all the sports channels were like, he's going to retire. So people bought tickets for the Lakers at higher prices because it's his last year. And his announcement was he's teaming with Hennessy to do an ad. Oh, did we already talk about that? Yeah. Do you remember this, Dana?

[Dana Carvey]

I. I do. Oh, but it was something to do with Hennessy and LeBron months ago or.

[David Spade]

No, we. It was this. It was Tuesday. So maybe we just talked about it in real life, but he did it, so people are mad that he did it. And so now a fan is going as far as suing him, saying, I paid more for tickets, and now what's.

[Dana Carvey]

He trying to get? Would he just refund the tickets or he wants a lot of cash, Maybe.

[David Spade]

Just a couple million for his trouble. I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

I want to.

[David Spade]

No one wants under millions. Why does Anyone sue anyone?

[Dana Carvey]

LeBron is going to go to. He said he's Tom Brady. This guy's going to go to 45, I think. I think he can.

[David Spade]

How old is he?

[Dana Carvey]

He's 47. So that. That doesn't even.

[David Spade]

You have to go backwards.

[Dana Carvey]

Greg, is he 41 yet? No, no, no.

[David Spade]

I think he turns 41 in December.

[Dana Carvey]

This is still. Because he can play every position and sprint the four, you know, dunk the ball. It's not like guy comes in, she shoots three points or. Kareem Abdul Jabbar was sort of a. A dancer out there. He's very Skyhook. Yeah. He's like.

[David Spade]

I don't think he's rinsed yet. I mean, he's still better than. He's not the best, but he's better than a lot of people. But I think people are saying, would Michael Jordan have done that? You know that when they always compare him to Jordan.

[Dana Carvey]

So that's Jordan left when he had more time. But, you know, LeBron is by every measure a physical freak, you know?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

If you're 682-752-80 and you're running at. Would most people get out of the way? Even other NBA players? He's running toward the hoop with speed in that size. So anyway, he's 41 in December. We're doing the Batman theme.

[David Spade]

No, that was a train hitting.

[Dana Carvey]

Let me hear that again.

[David Spade]

I won't over talk going across the crosswalk. I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, the fading was the best part.

[David Spade]

Something there. I used to be able to do a bus stopping.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I was waiting for that last one. And I'm telling you, you do a Lot of enough sound effects in your stand up. You need.

[David Spade]

Can't find the gears.

[Dana Carvey]

I have a guy that's the brakes. Trying to pick a safe.

[David Spade]

No, you don't. No, you don't. He just made that up.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh.

[David Spade]

That'S a mic'd up. Grasshopper eating. All right, next story. Oh, that's a good. On your phone.

[Dana Carvey]

I. That was. I got that from Jonathan Winters.

[David Spade]

Oh, look at this story.

[Dana Carvey]

A little kid.

[David Spade]

Okay. JFK airport official stun is woman who presents a passport from the nation Terenza. Does not exist. Okay, play this thing.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, that's.

[Guest Narrator]

The woman has landed at jfk.

[David Spade]

This is a real story, though.

[Guest Narrator]

Passport from a country that has never.

[David Spade]

Existed in our lifetime. She a time traveler.

[Guest Narrator]

International airport are in shock. Tonight, a woman arrived.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh. Oh. She's an alien passport.

[Guest Narrator]

Nation called Terenza. A place that does not exist on any map of our world.

[David Spade]

Look at her passport.

[Guest Narrator]

Passport was flawless. Biometric chip, perfect. Holograms, dozens of stamps from countries that also do not exist.

[Dana Carvey]

Her documents were perfect. Better than perfect. Wow. The country Terenza, it doesn't exist anywhere.

[David Spade]

They have another guy say that she.

[Guest Narrator]

Looked completely ordinary, like any tourist. But when Agent Terenza isn't real, she froze, then whispered then, this isn't my world. She asked me, is this America? I said, yes, of course. Then she whispered, America, like she had landed in the wrong place.

[David Spade]

This is like the fifth person placed.

[Guest Narrator]

Her in a secure.

[David Spade]

Listen to this.

[Guest Narrator]

She sat calmly for hours. Then she vanished. Cameras show her fading away like static on a broken television screen.

[Dana Carvey]

We see this.

[David Spade]

Explain it, Dana.

[Guest Narrator]

From another dimension.

[David Spade]

Explain it.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, we see everything but the. The camera showing her.

[David Spade]

I want to see her disappear. But you'd say that's fake too. I know how you are.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, yeah, with the AI what if.

[David Spade]

The aliens, like this woman, who's clearly an alien. What if they say, we are going to give you. You know, because there's rumors that we've made deals to get technology from them. We're going to introduce you guys to AI Right when we start showing up, because no one will believe it, it'll be like, now it's murky. You see a video of. Of a UFO online, what do you do?

[Dana Carvey]

You say, I don't know.

[David Spade]

I don't know. Looks fake. I don't know. It could be AI.

[Dana Carvey]

AI don't believe it. Smart, right?

[David Spade]

Pretty soon, they can do anything with AI. They could say a criminal will get off robbing a bank. They show the video, they go, that could be A.I. it's not me.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, we're. It's pretty close. They keep coming out with different ones. There's a new one out. And we could really, potentially start this podcast. And it would be our digital copies. And we'll look and talk, just like us.

[David Spade]

Yeah. And we get. We get paid.

[Dana Carvey]

Scared yet? Scared.

[David Spade]

Wake up, sheeple.

[Heather Santoro]

Sorry, Mr. Spade.

[Dana Carvey]

Run away. There's a new sheriff.

[Heather Santoro]

It's called A.I. your services are no longer.

[David Spade]

No way. They need me. They need me to be like this when you're talking like this.

[Dana Carvey]

And they show me laughing.

[David Spade]

Okay, another one. Where are we at? Where are we at?

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. His job is to pretend.

[David Spade]

I think we've had something like this before. It's funny, though. It's so mean. So he's running a scary ride.

[Dana Carvey]

Hold on, ladies.

[David Spade]

There's a knot in a chain. Let me fix it.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, hold on, guys.

[Heather Santoro]

Something wrong with your seatbelts.

[David Spade]

I got to come check it.

[Dana Carvey]

Hold on. Doesn't the word get around?

[Heather Santoro]

I forgot to put the shoulder straps on.

[David Spade]

Let me get them real quick. They look up. They should drop a hair sooner still for a second.

[Heather Santoro]

I got something wrong with the chain.

[Guest Reporter]

There's a knot in it.

[David Spade]

The chain is a knot in it. How fun just thinking of new things the whole time. They're falling. They're like, the chain has enough. Come check it. Poor little girls. Help.

[Dana Carvey]

How dramatic does he get? You know? Hold on, ladies. I forgot the shoulder straps.

[Heather Santoro]

Hold on.

[David Spade]

Well, we already did.

[Dana Carvey]

He should get on the walkie talkie and say, shut it down. Shut it down now. I mean, if he wants to.

[David Spade]

Don't let anyone else go.

[Dana Carvey]

I won't. Yeah, I said shut it down, damn it.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's fun. That's for Halloween.

[Dana Carvey]

You like that kind of stuff. Did you like real rides?

[David Spade]

No. Am I reading this right? Thrill ride? Is that what they call them now?

[Heather Santoro]

In 1981, you were a young boy and you went on the old Great Smoky Railroad ride in Nashville, Tennessee, where you proceeded to fall off the caboose, where you were caught by a man in a bear costume. Did I get that right? Your story, not mine.

[David Spade]

I used to ride the Roundup where you'd go on the wall and it would spin like this. Then it would go like that, and you'd be, like, stuck to the wall. How I did that, knowing what a colossal I've turned into? I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, with that. Yeah. I've been in the wall one where the. The floor drops and you're all just rats. Yeah.

[David Spade]

Then if you barf it hits you on the other side, you know, Disneyland.

[Dana Carvey]

Is still just, you know, Pirates of Caribbean, you know, I mean, parts of the Caribbean. Space Mountain. It's all this atmospheric stuff. It's not just metal. Like, what's that? Magic Mountain. Guess what? It ain't so magic after all.

[David Spade]

No, not more mountain than magic. All right, let's do one more.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's just get this going, I guess.

[David Spade]

This whole story is Steve Jobs. There's a big story that his daughter's pretty. I thought it was an AI picture, but that's his daughter, and her name's. What is her name? Eve. And they say, well, Eve. And the company's called Apple. Her name's Eve. Is that why? We don't know. But she's very pretty. And everyone was shocked that his daughter was pretty. And she's wearing a turtleneck.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, that gives it away, you know? I mean, she. It was. It was a very pretty woman in that picture. I just wondered if there was any digital help. It looks extremely smooth. How old is she? Because she looks 20.

[David Spade]

I would guess 25. I don't know. Now she said, oh, do you want.

[Greg Holtzman]

To show Dana the zebra video? Just for fun, we could. You don't have to put it in the show.

[David Spade]

Oh, you want to show them the zebra. Your zebra video. Does he have. Greg does not have. There's no way he would have it. Oh, boy. All right. Heather wants to send you a video. She tweaked. She only added music.

[Dana Carvey]

She's sending it to Greg.

[David Spade]

She's sending and something. Let's watch it just for fun.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's watch it.

[David Spade]

Let's watch it.

[Dana Carvey]

This is good. This is a problem.

[David Spade]

I already saw it. I liked it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yo, you want to see something cool? No. Well, I'm gonna do it anyway.

[David Spade]

Here he comes back. Wow. That's a strategic fence move.

[Greg Holtzman]

Look at this. Look at the landing.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that real?

[David Spade]

Yeah. The zebra hit it perfectly, and it flipped him over and put some rock and roll music on it.

[Greg Holtzman]

I think that's slightly better than a girl's pretty.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah. Oh, story. Yeah. Eve Jobs is pretty.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I was just gonna go into being Eve Jobs. That's like being Barbara Lincoln in 1870 or something. I mean, Steve Jobs is so famous.

[David Spade]

You know, she said Eve Jobs. She wanted to change her name so they wouldn't know his dad. So she wanted to change her name to Steve Jobs.

[Dana Carvey]

Just really well, because. Because of his wealth, she changed her first name legally to Don't Need Jobs.

[David Spade]

Oh, boy.

[Dana Carvey]

Not bad.

[David Spade]

Let's Go back to the zebra. Can we pinch in a pitch?

[Dana Carvey]

What do you got?

[David Spade]

Dana's not caring enough about the zebra, Heather. I can tell.

[Dana Carvey]

No, I mean the flip thing blew my mind. I. I could see it again, actually.

[Greg Holtzman]

A girl's pretty.

[David Spade]

Steve Jobs is not a big story, but we'll go to the next.

[Dana Carvey]

Zebra is pretty. All right.

[David Spade]

Zebra was gorgeous. Oh, look at this. US has an AI powered laser cannon. This is what you can use in a war. Watch this thing.

[Guest Narrator]

Department of Defense has just announced a new type of laser cannon.

[David Spade]

I thought it was a car washer.

[Guest Narrator]

Combat deployment testing. It has no muzzle, no ammunition, and no explosion. This is lethality.

[David Spade]

Comes from lethality.

[Guest Narrator]

Beam of pure energy. This weapon is called Sentinel X, controlled by an artificial intelligence system that can identify and lock onto targets in zero.

[David Spade]

Oh, it's not controlled by us.

[Guest Narrator]

This is vaporize enemy drones.

[David Spade]

Wow. Bam. Bam. This is like when they said there's no direct energy weapons. Now could that start a fire anywhere in this country? Sure, sure, look at it from a satellite from somewhere.

[Dana Carvey]

Whatever the latest weapons are, are their top secret.

[David Spade]

What is it, Heather?

[Greg Holtzman]

They announced the start of the Palisades fire and arrested someone.

[David Spade]

No, we're. Yeah, we're. That's coming up. We. That'll lead us to this.

[Dana Carvey]

We're on fire. And then we'll get that going.

[David Spade]

No, these energy weapons, they always say, oh, those aren't real. Look at, there's a for sure one. And it looks like it's pretty badass. I don't like when they say it's operated by AI that means I think it's time to shoot you now, master. No A.I. please don't.

[Heather Santoro]

Hey, Master, guess what?

[Dana Carvey]

I just thought of this.

[Heather Santoro]

You and other earthlings are the real problem on Earth, so I have no choice. Digital lasers.

[Dana Carvey]

Here's what I heard. We got satellites and we got weapons on them. Whether they're. Whatever energy they are. That if Russia ever tried anything.

[David Spade]

Don't even try it.

[Dana Carvey]

Don't even try it. Moscow. It's like something like four to six minutes vapor.

[David Spade]

I know. We. There's so many things that we're trying to. It's a. It's crazy.

[Dana Carvey]

I know it. The. The world.

[David Spade]

I wonder who would win.

[Dana Carvey]

It's getting. It's, it's. It's already scary. Everyone's getting armed up and you go, what's all these weapons for? When are we going to use it?

[David Spade]

Everyone's looking at these going, are those legal? These arms?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I mean, you've got guns, you know, a Lot of countries have guns. You have guns.

[David Spade]

Here's my direct energy weapon.

[Dana Carvey]

Good dish we got to have. I got to have an applause thing for. How many times you said good dish.

[David Spade]

That'll be in our coffee mug. Merch.

[Dana Carvey]

What does it even mean, Doug?

[David Spade]

I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

It just sounds douche.

[David Spade]

Every fall, I find myself reaching for the same reliable pieces. I got the sweaters, the jackets, the layers. They actually hold up and feel amazing. And that's why I keep coming back to quints. They've got fall staples you'll actually wear on repeat. 100 Mongolian cashmere from just $60. Classic fit denim and real leather and wool outerwear that looks sharp and lasts. Lately, I've been eyeballing their suede trucker jacket. Perfect for layering. Oh, yeah, I can be. I can be Laird Hamilton. Super casual, but still makes you feel put together. You know what I like most is that Quince works directly with ethical factories and top artisans. Cutting out the middleman.

[Dana Carvey]

That means. David premium quality at about half the price of similar brands. I'm going to say it again. About half the price of similar brands. I picked up a few sweaters, cozy and even some bedding. Recently, everything has held up beautifully. Quince has really become my go to across the board. David.

[David Spade]

Layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they look. Go to quince.com fly for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com fly free shipping and 365 day returns.

[Dana Carvey]

Quince.com/fly.

[David Spade]

Okay, confession time. So I'm very guilty of choosing convenience over nutrition. You know, I've heard that when your fridge is fully stocked with greens. All good intentions. Somehow a few taps on your phone later, you got takeout on the way. Have you done this? I have. Or those overpriced spinach wraps from the local coffee shop that leave you feeling more regret than comfort. We've all been there. That's where cachava comes in. And it's completely changed my fall mornings. I use cachava. I've done it for a few months. Honestly. Makes life easier. It's tastier. I customize my shakes. Lately I've been doing the chocolate with a little nut milk, spoonful of almond butter. It's basically like a dessert that fuels my whole body. I feel the difference too. I feel a little lighter. I have steady energy through the day. Better digestions, muscles feel recovered, mind Sharper.

[Dana Carvey]

With every two scoops of Cachava, you get 85 plus superfoods, nutrients and plant based ingredients. It's 25 grams of plant based protein. Six indulgent flavors. Chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, coconut, acai and strawberry. And all the nutrients your mind and body crave for the whole body health. No artificial flavors, colors or sweeteners. No gmo, no soy, no animal products, no gluten, no preservatives. Making a superfood packed shake take less than a minute. And the recipes in the cacajava kitchen are endlessly inspiring. Your future self will thank you. Go to kachava.com and use the code fly for 15% off your next order. That's Kachava K A C-H-A-V-A.com code fly for 15 off.

[David Spade]

All right, let's talk about the fires because the big story in January. So I think they figured out that the fires were maybe lit. Our actual arsonist, was he an Uber driver or something like that?

[Greg Holtzman]

No, it was just. They didn't put out.

[David Spade]

They didn't put out the first fire. The first fire on January 1st.

[Greg Holtzman]

Yeah, it was just a normal campfire. It wasn't like. I don't think it was started, but.

[David Spade]

Who did they arrest? Why would they arrested a guy?

[Greg Holtzman]

It was like they didn't put out their.

[David Spade]

I don't know.

[Greg Holtzman]

Yeah, it just wasn't contained.

[David Spade]

Yeah, it wasn't.

[Dana Carvey]

So it smoldered.

[David Spade]

It's the one that smoldered for like a week. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Until the wind hit.

[David Spade]

But they did arrest someone. I think he said he was an Uber driver, but he took off to Florida and they brought him back. But this long drive to Florida, the Uber, it took him.

[Greg Holtzman]

How can they blame all on him when they're there.

[David Spade]

Right? There's a million things wrong with this story because there's no water. There was, you know, there was reservoirs that were empty. There was fire alarms shut off. There's a million things that just didn't add up. And then the big one now because Spencer Pratt is out there rattling the cages about this story a lot. And they're mad that Gavin Newsom is now spending a hundred to three hundred million on the gerrymandering issue, but not giving. Hiring more firemen. I think we had a shot of that. But they're supposed to hire way more firemen and make more firehouses.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Vito's firefighter raised. Is this true? Calling it too costly after spending.

[David Spade]

Well, I don't know if this gas can match with Karen Bass. Right.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know if I. I say to him and Karen Bass holding those two things up in that photo was like bad politics.

[Greg Holtzman]

And this is. Yeah, this got a little slightly debunked. Like they make cuts every year with the fight. Like what they did this year wasn't different than apparently any other year.

[David Spade]

Right.

[Greg Holtzman]

But I think it's a lot to do with the well combination like you said.

[David Spade]

Right. I mean, water winds smoldering, how it started. They arrested some guy. I wonder how they could pin it all on him unless they caught him. I heard they checked out his phone. His story didn't check out. Did he. Did he make the initial fire? That's what we're trying to find out. But they did bust a guy. And after all this time, it sounds odd that they would get somebody. You know that. But it was the most horrific fire we've had. I mean that was the most. Because they're not building anything yet. I mean if you look, they're not building all the houses back. They're not giving all the permits. They said so something's going on. That's just odd. I will say that more to come.

[Dana Carvey]

Whoever did it, I don't care who, but it was, you know, poorly planned. I mean we have to allocate resources in California that can be used for alternative purposes. So it goes to yin or it goes to yang. But I would say in California with AI or just with good planning, we can identify where they need problems, they need some forest management, we need extra water, you know, be defensive. And obviously this fire blew everyone's mind. I'm very surprised that, you know, it.

[David Spade]

Hasn'T been controlled burns.

[Dana Carvey]

It's life or death. It's like the police. It's like we have to have strong police department, fire department, I don't know. I know it's a hot take but you know, we do have. In California, we. We have and it's not.

[David Spade]

We could put more money toward that. It would be great.

[Dana Carvey]

We could find the money somewhere and not waste money. Would be very nice. And we are a state. A lot of states have public employee pensions and people are living. They get their pension at 55 and then they live to 95. And the system wasn't built for that. You know what, guess what the age was when you could collect Social Security in. In night. When they first made it in the 1930s, I don't know, 50, 61. But the average life expanse expectations probably was 65.

[David Spade]

Sure, that's probably where 65 came from.

[Dana Carvey]

Now you get your social and I'm not saying this politically. I'm just saying as a fact, you get at 62, maybe go to 102. That's a lot of payoff.

[David Spade]

That's a hard part. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

I am running for mayor. I. I did. I wanted to announce that.

[David Spade]

Please, please do. I would love it. Okay, let's see what else? And then, Dana, I got to get you out of here.

[Dana Carvey]

We got to get you back to Seattle. You have another set.

[David Spade]

Another set. Okay. Footage. Oh, this is kind of funny. This is the thing that bites you in the ass. There's a. There's a Glen Powell show. I could explain this story. Glenn Powell show on Hulu.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And so this girl is having a party because she has a scene in the movie of the show, and her part comes up and it's. She's been replaced by the Hawk Tui girl. Hawk Tua. Remember Hawk Tua? So all her friends are like, where.

[Heather Santoro]

Are you, my scene sister?

[Dana Carvey]

Did you come in later?

[David Spade]

No, this is literally my scene.

[Guest Narrator]

I responded.

[David Spade]

So they went back and shot it with Hawk, too. Look at her flipping out.

[Dana Carvey]

Being an actress is hard in la.

[David Spade]

It's brutal. It's too sticky.

[Dana Carvey]

Everything that happened to me, it's like Chernobyl.

[David Spade]

Stop it. That's fine. This just happens all the time.

[Dana Carvey]

But you get horrible. They never tell you anything in Hollywood.

[David Spade]

Don't tell her.

[Dana Carvey]

You never know you're fired. You never know you've been replaced. It's just. It's. It's a tough.

[David Spade]

It's not Hawk 2. His fault. She, of course, had to make a big statement about this. I know you follow on Instagram. You probably heard it, but you're. You got that Hawk tooie newsletter.

[Dana Carvey]

But she had a Hawk Tui coin at one point, right? And built it up.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Took all the money. Something like her.

[David Spade]

Yeah. And she was underground for a while, but she popped back in. Glenn Powell, though, is cool. He could come on. We always tell everybody they can come on. Ah, he can come on.

[Dana Carvey]

He'll even come on. And that's if we never see him.

[David Spade]

Yeah. I never ask him. We never see him.

[Dana Carvey]

He's cool. He's very talented, and he's. He's made this live streaming show. He plays Chad, the football player. You know, he's proactive in his career.

[David Spade]

What is it on Hulu? Yeah. All right, one more, and then let's wrap it up.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's wrap it up.

[David Spade]

Okay, one more. It's better be a dinger.

[Dana Carvey]

We have mic drop.

[David Spade]

Okay, this is kind of funny. This is a. These are people complaining that the slide is too dangerous for their kids and they've been talking about for a year and no one believes them. So they sent a policeman or somebody down. Did she?

[Guest Reporter]

The reason why this Boston slide went viral was because parents kept writing letters and emails.

[David Spade]

It's a little bit of a wind up Boston.

[Guest Reporter]

They're like, hey, there's a slide you put up at a public park. Super dangerous, by the way.

[David Spade]

It doesn't look that bad.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm not so sure about the metal landing area.

[Guest Reporter]

Just go flying. Can you do something about this in Boston for a while?

[David Spade]

Pink stuff looks squishy.

[Guest Reporter]

Children slide how?

[Dana Carvey]

As long as you fly off.

[Guest Reporter]

The city just kept brushing.

[David Spade]

Where do you land? Is that sand?

[Guest Reporter]

If you don't like it, just don't write it until they keep writing. They keep writing letters about this letter.

[David Spade]

This woman's trying to get to a minute.

[Guest Reporter]

All right. We have to see what these people are talking about.

[David Spade]

They always do a lot.

[Dana Carvey]

This is what they do.

[David Spade]

And then they sell money.

[Dana Carvey]

Thank you so much.

[David Spade]

We understand.

[Dana Carvey]

All right.

[Guest Reporter]

And.

[David Spade]

All right, here's the cop. He like gets a concussion.

[Dana Carvey]

You're supposed to go down feet first.

[Guest Reporter]

Going down this slide feet first?

[David Spade]

Yes.

[Dana Carvey]

Stomach, feet.

[David Spade]

I think he got spun around in the.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, he got spun around. Okay. So it was highly dangerous.

[David Spade]

But he was feet first, wasn't he? I don't think you can sit up in there. It's too small.

[Dana Carvey]

Look, I. This happened to me in Seattle of all places. But my cousin and I went to a water park. It's kind of rainy day, believe it or not. And all these slides and there were lines still, people going, going. And there was one like tunnel thing and hey, there's no line. This must be a breeze. It was pretty monstrous. I mean, I got battered and bruised from that.

[David Spade]

No, you look a little beat up.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, well, you weren't there.

[David Spade]

You're still a little dinged up, I feel.

[Dana Carvey]

My cousin was. Is a pole vaulter, so he's like a muscle man. So he went through it, but I was, you know. You know, we always have to be tough when you're, you're. You're not an average sized man. Adult male, horrible. Don't you got to be tough?

[David Spade]

Okay, that's our show for today. We did a great job.

[Dana Carvey]

We were great again and so were you.

[David Spade]

Great.

[Dana Carvey]

And if you want to. You want to smash that subscriber button.

[David Spade]

Yeah, smash the shit out of it.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Just fucking whale on that thing and then I will. We'll read some comments next week and there are some people that comment too many. I see people that comment over and over like 20 on one episode. I'm like, relax.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, let's read some comments because anyone who's going to the trouble, I would like to put a little sunshine on it. And well, let's read some of the negative ones. What's with your hair? You're not funny. Why do you over talk? And I go, you know, these will be the ones addressed to you. But I.

[David Spade]

Is that jean jacket going in the Smithsonian?

[Dana Carvey]

Why do you wear the exact same thing? I can't. Why do you have Superman there? And what's with that fake plant?

[David Spade]

Why do I have fresh stripes? Okay, thank you everybody. We'll see you next time. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app, give us a review, five star rating and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.

[Dana Carvey]

If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now.

[David Spade]

Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

[Dana Carvey]

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by.

[David Spade]

Phil Sweettech Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

[Dana Carvey]

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney and Lauren Vieira.

[David Spade]

Reach out with us. Any questions be asked and answered on the show? You can email us at Fly on the [e-mail] that's a U D a C-Y dot com.