State of Boring News, Epstein Files & Hotel Laundry Secrets

Summary

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Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey & David Spade

Episode: State of Boring News, Epstein Files & Hotel Laundry Secrets

Release Date: March 2, 2026
Hosts: Dana Carvey, David Spade

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Episode Overview

In this riotous episode, comedy legends Dana Carvey and David Spade riff on the blandness of today’s headlines, viral news oddities, the latest shocking revelations from the Jeffrey Epstein files, and crucially—how NOT to do your laundry in a hotel room. From sharp takes on fitness culture and celebrity tabloid news to memorable stories from their lives in showbiz, expect wall-to-wall banter, rapid-fire impressions, and their signature blend of absurdity and truth. Audience questions, personal anecdotes, and memorable impressions abound in this wild ride behind the comedy curtain.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fitness, Dinner, and the Absurdities of Aging (01:20–05:25)

• Dana’s Fitness Tip: Suggests micro-exercise—"Just two pushups every hour. It’s a signal to your muscles." (02:41)
  • Spade jokes: “Two total in the week?” (02:58)
• Discussion on muscles and attractiveness ("fit-ish" is their self-description).
• Reflections on early dinners and the horrors of Miami nightlife:
  • Spade on Miami: "Literally, not one person has a job. They're just all doing bumps and taking Instagram pictures." (05:14)

2. Touring Canada: Taxes and Comedy Memories (05:31–08:42)

• Spade describes Canada’s reputation for double taxation on performers (06:03), recalling Toronto as a favorite (05:49).
• Dana’s "Trapped in Paradise" shoot and being hounded for taxes: "They would call me at home... 'You know, there's some taxes, right?'" (06:19–07:10)
• Memories about eating at Toronto’s Barbarians steakhouse with Chris Farley and Rob Lowe, and touching on Rachel McAdams and “The Notebook” set (07:50–08:24).

3. Hollywood Anecdotes & Impressions (09:00–10:46)

• Burgess Meredith impressions (from “Rocky” and “Batman”): Dana: “The key was to say, instead of ‘murder,’ say ‘mo.’” (09:05)
• Rocky franchise banter—Dana: "My strategy is to take about 55 punches to my face..." (09:59)

4. Wildlife Encounters on Tour (10:28–11:52)

• Spade recounts a San Antonio show invaded by a bat: "I was backstage…It lands. It’s a full bat." (10:53)
• Audience reaction was calm—“Nobody cares about the bat.” (11:35)
• Dana recounts Montana’s dusk bat swarms (11:40)

5. Stories from the Road & TSA Ordeals (13:14–17:11)

• Spade gets pulled aside at TSA for accidentally packing a “full knife”: “Just like I used to talk about my act. Full knife, Heather, bold knife.” (15:43)
• Comedy about enjoying TSA frisking: “I like being frisked in the morning, especially underneath, with onlookers taking notes. It's a wonderful part of my existence.” —Dana (16:43)

6. Epstein Files: Gates, Chopra & the Tabloid “Smokiness” (17:55–21:14)

• Discussion of Bill Gates admitting to affairs (with "a physicist and a bridge player"), not to wrongdoing with Epstein (18:00–19:30).
  • Carvey as Bill Gates (in Borat voice): “‘Would you like to go upstairs and make lovey-lovey time after we finish a bridge game?’” (19:01)
• Deepak Chopra’s extensive email exchanges with Epstein—Dana: “When you hit a thousand emails, there's some smoke.” (19:54)
  • Dana’s mock meditation voice: “The consciousness of life and what beauty, of love and spank me with a spoon.” (01:05, echoed at 20:44, 29:28)

7. Tourette’s, the BAFTAs, and Award Show Commentary (21:14–28:21)

• Banter about an incident at the BAFTAs where a Tourette’s sufferer shouted slurs: "He kept saying the N-word…you just, it comes out." (21:23–21:42)
• Spade on diversity at award shows: “If you just say we’re all actors…I think now, it just makes it more even…we’re all acting.” (27:22)
• Dana jokes about his own Emmy: “They announced it, 'This is the 198th straight white male that has won this award.'" (27:26)

8. More Tour Stories: Car Safety & Flight Hijinks (28:26–31:40)

• Spade gets thrown around in the backseat of a new Escalade when brakes lock up ("I was not strapped in and when they touched the brakes…went all the way to the dash." 28:54)
• Dana’s airplane bit with an exaggeratedly long seatbelt (29:30)
• Nicest flight attendants: "She sneaks around and just hands me a beer" (30:26)

9. Viral News: Love is Blind, Prison Connections & Laundry Horrors (31:45–44:27)

• Love is Blind Viral Clip: Spade recounts a clip where a man dumps his (gorgeous, doctor) fiancée for not being "fit" enough (32:05–34:47)
  • Dana: “Her best comeback should’ve been, 'I think you’re looking for a dude.'” (33:05)
  • Dana: “I think she's pretty already…he looks like a doofus and she's gorgeous.” (34:20)
• Prison Pen Pals: Spade finds a prison dating profile—“I’m tall, articulate, tattooed, and a total baddie.” (35:42)
  • Carvey muses on women attracted to murderers—“They know where they are at all times.” (37:39)
  • Tyson impressions: “I had the best time in prison. I ate like a king.” (38:53)
• Hotel Laundry Secrets: Influencer faces $1M lawsuit for showing how to wash underwear in a hotel coffee maker. The hosts and Heather are revolted; Dana promotes the sink-rinse method instead. (41:23–43:57)
  • Dana: “It’s pretty easy to use the basin of the sink and hot water…I mean, you rinse out the basin.” (42:56)

10. Animal Virality: Punch, the Sad Monkey (44:27–46:56)

• Six-month-old Japanese monkey abandoned, clings to plush orangutan for comfort—"He gets sad and scared, so he hugs his little squishy doll." (45:11)
  • "He's opening for us in October!" —Dana (46:56)
  • Spade: "People get really worried...animals mean a lot." (46:12)

11. Underground Noises & Conspiracy Fun (47:31–49:39)

• Viral TikTok: Kentucky farmer hears weird 'construction' noises under his property (47:39–49:04)
  • Spade suspects faking; Carvey jokes about disclosing “aliens underneath your house.” (49:31)

12. More News Oddities & Stand-Up Real Talk (51:06–54:44)

• Five forms of ID for shoveling snow in some U.S. city (51:06)
• Spade gets carded for Tito’s at Chili’s at his age, jokes about "the Crypt Keeper" (52:17)
• Stand-up realities: Early-career pain, late-career paydays: "If you get past three years, maybe you can settle in. But, man, some of those early bombs..." —Dana (53:58–54:14)

13. Iconic Rock Voices & Comedy Callback (55:05–57:29)

• Feedback on the previous episode with Eddie Vedder.
• Who are the greatest rock voices?
  • Freddie Mercury, Eddie Vedder, and female rockers get special mention.
  • Carvey: “Freddie Mercury had quite the pipes.” (55:53)
  • Dana: “My Bohemian Rhapsody—whoops.” (56:55)
• Behind-the-scenes of the famous "Wayne's World" head-banging scene and working with Chris Farley (57:14–57:29)

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On exercise:
  “If you can do two pushups every hour—just two? It’s a signal to your muscles.” —Dana (02:41)
• On Canada Taxes:
  “Canada just chased me for 15 years…same thing with New York. New York would call me at home after I moved out.” —Dana (06:19)
• On Bill Gates & Epstein:
  “Would you like to go upstairs and make lovey-lovey time after we finish a bridge game?" —Dana, Bill Gates impression (19:01)
• On Deepak Chopra Emails:
  “When you hit a thousand emails, there’s some smoke.” —Spade (19:54)
  • Dana riffing: "The consciousness of life and what beauty, of love and spank me with a spoon..." (20:44)
• On Diversity at Awards:
  "If you just say we’re all actors...just makes it more even and not...we’re all acting." —Spade (27:22)
• On ‘Love Is Blind’:
  “Her best comeback should’ve been, ‘I think you’re looking for a dude.’” —Dana (33:05) "He looks like a doofus and she's gorgeous." —Heather via Dana (34:20)
• On hotel coffee machine laundry:
  "You rinse out the basin...all you see is clear, fresh water. When you rinse out and run the water on the basin." —Dana (42:56)
• On monkey Punch:
  "He gets sad and scared, so he hugs his little squishy doll." —Spade (45:11) "He's opening for us in October!" —Dana (46:56)
• On stand-up:
  "It's still kind of a small group of people that are stupid enough to pursue a career in stand-up comedy." —Dana (53:58)
• On rock voices:
  “Freddie Mercury has had quite the pipes. What a tremendous show.” —Dana (55:53)

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Highlighted Segments (Timestamps)

• Fitness tips & body image: 01:20–05:25
• Touring/taxes anecdotes: 05:31–08:42
• Hollywood stories & impressions: 09:00–10:46
• TSA experiences: 13:14–17:11
• Epstein Files commentary: 17:55–21:14
• News Roundup: 31:45–44:27
• Quirky animal stories: 44:27–46:56
• Underground farm noises: 47:31–49:39
• Music & Wayne’s World: 55:05–57:29

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Overall Tone

The episode is signature Carvey & Spade: fast-moving, irreverent, and full of sharp banter, self-deprecating jokes, and in-the-moment impressions. They weave between real news, personal stories, and deep comedy insider talk with quick wit and lots of laughter—making light even of the absurd or cringe-worthy in the world.

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For New Listeners

If you missed the show, this episode will keep you laughing while also dropping showbiz stories, hot takes on trending news, and moments of surprising introspection. The chemistry between Dana and David, plus their legendary comedy instincts, make even “boring news” wildly entertaining.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, Sal.

[B]

Hank.

[A]

What's going on?

[B]

We haven't worked a case in years.

[A]

I just bought my car at Carvana and it was so easy.

[B]

Too easy.

[A]

Think something's up? You tell me. They got thousands of options, found a great car at a great price, and it got delivered the next day. It sounds like Carvana just makes it easy to buy your car, Hank.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

Case closed. Buy your car today on Carvana.

[B]

Delivery fees may apply. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying Big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments.

[A]

But that's weird.

[B]

Okay, one judgment. Anyway. Give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per

[A]

month required intro rate first 3 months only.

[B]

Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] they cut out the part where she goes, am I talking to the turtle?

[A]

The consciousness of life and what beauty of love and spank me with a spoon. You. But anyway, so we just come out as Joe Dirt and Garth.

[B]

Take questions, ask them. Yeah.

[A]

Make the crowd happy. And of course, my book, Bohemian Rhapsody. Whoops.

[B]

How do we get to this? Wayne's World? Oh, my God.

[A]

How did I forget? Sorry. I apologize. Don't be nervous. We have ads to read. But don't get a. Don't be a motor mouth. We've got ads to read later.

[B]

You know what, Dane? I was asking some people, I go, if you had one word to describe Dana Carvey and they were like motor mouth. I think one, I stole your burn and used it against you.

[A]

One word to describe me probably is what or why.

[B]

One word to describe you is confusing.

[A]

Yeah. One more describe you is silver entrails by the neck. That's kind of me. No, that's because the light hits it.

[B]

Look, I comb my hair, but I pushed it. I love that we talk about hair and everyone just can't stand it. But I can't stand not doing it.

[A]

Well, we could talk about my abs if they want.

[B]

I mean, whatever they want we have to talk about. Does anyone need some laundry done? Because we'll do them.

[A]

Hey, I have a chord. I have a fitness tip for everybody.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

When you go to the gym twice a week and then you just sit around in between, there is something to signaling your muscles. Like I'm just saying to people, if you can do two push ups every hour. Just two? Yeah. So you.

[B]

I'm like two total in the week?

[A]

No, but then you get an hour rest, you do two more. It's a signal to your muscles if you want to go out there and

[B]

you know, my bus, My muscles are like this.

[A]

My messes. My muscles are jealous of your muscles. Why can't you be buff like him?

[B]

I have no muscle. You know, I look like a bit of a pipsqueak, but I'm more of a puss.

[A]

How important is that? Just a quick question.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I was in this with someone said, how much do women like, not like really big muscles on a man.

[B]

I think Heather's giving a thumbs down. I think what she's gonna say, and I'm guessing is too big of muscles are kind of pointless. And from all the data I've gotten, it's too much time at the gym is too egotistical. Like work on other parts of your life. Don't just be gym rat.

[A]

There's a word, that's a word that my wife and I use that we're not fit, but we're fit. Ish.

[B]

No, you're. You're both. And I've seen Paula my whole life. She always great shape.

[A]

Whoops.

[B]

I know you listen, Paula's gorgeous. People need to know. And she's a sweetheart. And you, you're a sweetheart. I like when people say Beauty and the Beast. I'm like, you can't say that.

[A]

Beauty and the Beast. Am I the beast or the beauty?

[B]

No, you're the beast. But you're not bad. But when I used to date anyone that was over a three, people be like, what is it?

[A]

How did he land that?

[B]

I'm like, I'm fun at parties, I'm fun. I'm. There's about a two hour window at night when I'm fun, usually at dinner.

[A]

And then, well, you're like me, which is kind of lucky. Hey, want to have dinner? What time? 3:30. Yeah, they serve.

[B]

You're the only one in the world that beats me to dinner.

[A]

I know. I don't get the idea of I won't get me a big cheese pizza at 10:05.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And get in bed and pull the covers up at 10:22. I don't get. Come on, count me out. I don't like to go to sleep.

[B]

That's Miami. They go, we'll go to dinner. Like 11, we'll start. I'm like, literally, not one person has a job. They're just all Doing bumps and taking Instagram pictures. Okay, I got a few hot takes.

[A]

Getting right to my week. All right, I got a few, too, but I want to hear yours first.

[B]

Minor. Mine are more boring, so I get to go first.

[A]

Yours are usually better.

[B]

Okay, I will say, because I was on the road, by the time I do this, I'll be going to Casino Rama in Toronto. And also oceans.

[A]

Is that near Niagara Falls?

[B]

Casino Rama, Toronto. Toronto's. I've done three movies and Toronto is the most requested city. But the Canada tax thing, it does nothing to do with the people. Canada's great.

[A]

Nothing to the people, just the government. The government, they really put that.

[B]

It's like the reason why we don't shoot movies in America. They always go, it's tax here. If we go there, different. When you do stand up, it's tax. Anyway, I get taxed twice, so. But I'm still going because I want to go see the Toronto people. It's a little on the outskirts.

[A]

Toronto people are nice. My experience being in Toronto. But I would say that Canada just chased me for 15 years. I did a movie there, Trapped in Paradise with Nicholas Cage and John Lovitz. Christmas classic maybe. But then they caught. They would call me at home, hey, you know it's some Texas, right? You know, same thing with New York, you know, some Texas. What's that, a boot? You're not paying them? Same thing with New York. New York would call me at home after I moved out of New York and harassed me. So finally, in my passive aggressive way, it's like this, New York, irs. And we. We understand. We've got news clippings here. And it seems like you. They saw me on, like, Letterman. Seems like you live in New York. And I just started going, well, how do I know you are you?

[B]

Yeah, you're AI.

[A]

You're just a voice on the phone. How do I know? And they're like, never. No one ever said that. Well, what do you mean? What do you mean?

[B]

So once they realize you got a few beans in your jeans, they come looking for it when I was in trouble.

[A]

You got a few squashes in your moshes. Just because it rhymes, you can't associate Levi's with beans.

[B]

I stole that from my brother Andy. He says that. It's so funny. Heather, turn that one down. I realize I squint on this eye like Tom Cruise. I don't know why. I don't want to be like that. He kind of has one eye that's always kind of closed. If you notice that pull it up, Jamie. No, that's what Joe.

[A]

In your dreams.

[B]

But what about this, Dana? Barbarians is a place we used to go eat. Because Rob Lowe always has a joke where Farley would cut it like a 2 by 2 inch piece of steak.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And then he'd peel the butter, pat back, and put that on one piece of steak, and then eat the whole thing, every bite.

[A]

Fantastic.

[B]

And then he goes, it needs a hat. And then you can't argue with that. But then Rachel McAdams was talking about, I think the Notebook was filmed up there. And she's like, we used to go to this place called Barbarians. I was like, oh, my God. And oh, my God, I have talked about that. We have so much to talk about.

[A]

And use the butter. The pat butter. And the little thing is a hat.

[B]

I will tell you, I went to the Notebook premiere. Oh, I told you as a premier premiere horror in the past. I didn't. I went to see James Garner at the party after just to say, you know, good job. Like, I saw it.

[A]

Jimmy Garner, The James Garner?

[B]

Yeah. He's my boy. Yeah.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

I was doing a show with him.

[A]

Oh, I love that guy.

[B]

He was a great guy. What a stud. They're redoing Rockford Files and I'm like, I don't know.

[A]

I know it's really hard. No, he was. He was amazing. And.

[B]

And it's with me, and I'm still critical.

[A]

Hey, hey. You got a lot of trending for your. Your Burgess Meredith impression. And I realized the key was to say, instead of murder, say mo.

[B]

He's gonna. He always goes, this time.

[A]

That guy was a brilliant movie star. He did Of Mice and Men, and then his career mic drop, though, was whatever the character's name was.

[B]

I like, oh, would he play the Penguin?

[A]

Oh, my God, yes, you're right. He played the Penguin on the Batman series in 1968. Thanks for tuning in, Boomers.

[B]

Yeah, Rocky didn't have a good team about him because his team was Burgess Meredith saying he's gonna ho cha minute. And then his wife going, you can't win. I'm like, God damn, I need a better crew.

[A]

They cut the scene where he kind of confesses to his. His girlfriend and the coach. He goes, my strategy is to take about 55 punches to my face, right? And I'll be so beat up, he'll get tired, he'll get punched out because no one ever got hit in their face more than Rocky. And Rocky won. And he's like, they cut out the

[B]

part where she Goes, am I talking to the turtle? Am I talking to Butkus?

[A]

Because, well, that's where I got the idea for the turtle guy. And I'm asking.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Ah. Because of Butkus. Okay, here's a quick story. I was on the road, San Antonio, great crowd. Bat in the theater. So I'm backstage with Bobby and Patrick and I go, I'm about to go on. I go, is that a bird in here? They go, I think there's a bird in here. It lands. It's a full bat.

[A]

Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

[B]

So I says to the people, I says to him, I says to my says, I, first of all, I go, it's gonna fly out during the show and I gotta talk. I don't want to say anything. I don't want to take anything away from my precious act. But I get out there, and within seconds, bat follows me, Heather. And comes swooping on the crowd. And I said, guys, is that a bat? And they all go, yes. They all yell and then they laugh. And I go, so you know that you know about bats in here and you're not scared because I just got a rabies shot, coincidentally, this afternoon. And they said, yeah, they didn't care at all. And I go, we were gonna say we should cancel the show. Like, nobody cares about the bat.

[A]

Oh, we used to have them. We have in Montana. What town was this in again?

[B]

San Antonio.

[A]

Oh, yeah. About dust, Right? As early evening, just a thousand bats would go and circle around the lake.

[B]

Oh, they do that in Austin, too, I've heard.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

But I don't love them.

[A]

Bats are not cute. If you see them up close, hanging upside down, I'm doing it.

[B]

Okay, here's another. That's a good. That's a good noise. Actually. I don't even know what bats sound like. I've never heard them make too much noise.

[A]

But they do make noise.

[B]

Kind of gross looking. They're rats with wings. Are two things I don't like.

[A]

Your planet is now marked for death. Marvel Studios the Fantastic Four First Steps is now streaming on Disney plus. We will protect you as a family. Light them up, Johnny. Marvel's first family is certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. That is fantastic. And critics say it's one of the best superhero movies of all time. Marvel Studios the Fantastic Four First Steps now streaming on Disney Plus.

[B]

Rated PG13.

[A]

What time is it, Ben? It's clover time. Your new home is now ready.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Find your new home in Ellensburg now [e-mail]. Dr. Horton, America's builder and equal housing opportunity builder.

[B]

Oh, so I'm going through tsa. I ate at the Whataburger, I think in Dallas on the way to God. Whataburger really nails it. If you're white trash, it's.

[A]

Oh, is that a nationwide chain?

[B]

I think it's mostly Arizona, Texas.

[A]

You know what? I think I had one. I was driving to Phoenix for some gig and I think I had one out Outskirts and it was incredible. I'll co sign it. It's not a sponsor. We're just saying this. It'll be a sponsor next week.

[B]

I remember when I was with you and you picked your nose and you go, what a booger.

[A]

I remember you saw me pick my nose and said, okay, aren't you going to share?

[B]

I'll say, I learned how to share in school. Give me some of that bug. One time you said, I think I'm hot on a silver platter. And I said, no, you're cold boogers on a paper plate.

[A]

Do you rehearse this stuff with Heather?

[B]

Heather goes fourth grade. That's what I used to write for.

[A]

I say, second grade. She's being generous.

[B]

Yeah, that is generous. Oh, there's my line in Dallas. I say, I see a lot of hot girls out there from Big D. And then they applaud and I go, and a couple rough ones from Mesquite.

[A]

Well, anything. This is funny probably got a big laugh.

[B]

It sounds mean, but you probably got

[A]

a big, big laugh.

[B]

Okay, here's the last thing I'll say about the tour. I go to TSA and we hire a greeter because I've never been in this airport. And they kind of whisk you through. There was no whisking. It was. Everything took longer. And then she. We gets in the TSA line. I go, this is pretty long. I don't know, isn't it supposed to be shorter? She literally knows not one thing. And then we get up to the buckets and she goes, do I gotta take off my shoes? I'm like, we hired you for information. I said, I don't think so. I was nice. I go, it's tsa. So we get up there and they always pull one of my bags out and they rifle through and you have to wait. Honestly, it was probably 15 minutes. We're like.

[A]

And do they. Do they find it, what you're trying to smuggle?

[B]

I. I go, I know what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's always, like, some food thing I bring that looks like. But they told us how to do it. Where, by the way, can we just get rid of tsa? There's. It's fine. You know what I mean? We're fine. Now. The rigmarole we go through to just listen if a few planes fall out. No, I'm kidding.

[A]

People voted.

[B]

They said, what are the chances? Anyway, I get there, and she goes, this yours? Just like I used to talk about my act. Full knife, Heather, Bold knife. And I'm like, holy.

[A]

You can't put.

[B]

What. It wasn't that big. Yeah, but it wasn't a butter knife.

[A]

You tried to get through security with a knife. With a leaf.

[B]

That one we cut boxes with, Heather. Oh, okay. Not your little carrot one, but, like, the big. Yeah. And I, I, I said, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just, you know, it's for my toenails. It's necessary, my n.

[B]

Just in case my arm gets stuck in a rock.

[A]

No, no, you saw it perfectly. You can frisk with the best of them. I mean, you know, I think the X ray, you know, I noticed that I was slightly wrecked, and they Maybe the excitement set off the alarm, you know.

[B]

Did it go off because I'm slouching? Let me know if my posture is.

[A]

No, I. You know. You know, I like being frisked in the morning, you know, especially underneath, you know, with onlookers taking notes. It's a wonderful part of my existence. I'm so. I just saw Annie.

[B]

What are you talking. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman.

[A]

You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. I just saw Hannah. Hannah. Hannah and her sister just re. Watched it. Yeah. So he's, by the way.

[B]

Anyway, they let me go. Of course. They go, we're going to keep the knife. I go, please. So I didn't have to go to the clink. They were just laughing about it. That's so funny. They're just like, yeah, you're fine.

[A]

I'm frisk. And this is no joke. I'm not kidding around here. Every single time. I don't know what sets off, and I get frisk, and I'm like this. And then if people recognize me, they're like, dude, what's going on, man? Because usually the TSA guy is like, 22. I say, ever seen Wayne's World? Don't talk when I frisk. Tooth, by the way. To that I have a couple things just comments on. I thought it was interesting in the Epstein files.

[B]

Unless you have more of your story on. Turn to page 2,800,000.

[A]

Well, there's things that came out, so. So I give him credit. Bill Gates said that he did have an affair with two different Russian women. One was a physicist and one was a bridge player, but nothing with Epstein island or underage. So that kind of, you know.

[B]

So because of this pressure mounting of like he's always. He's his like, yeah, like, right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Buddy system. Yeah. He's like, well, okay. But then when you start to see cracks like that, you get a little nervous because he's like, okay, A couple.

[A]

Well, I just. I just can't imagine because Bill, you know, he's. He's Microsoft. So he's obviously incredibly smart guy and he has these Russian women And he's worth 100 billion, you know. So he's playing bridge and then she's like, hey, Mr. Bill Gates, I like the way your style is on the bridge table. Would you like to go upstairs and make lovey, lovey time after we finish a bridge game?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He says, I don't know. I just have one question. What's that? Are you Borat

[B]

in a wig?

[A]

I like.

[B]

They go, I like the way you dress. You work at Best Buy. Yeah.

[A]

You have nerdy glasses, nerdy clothes and nerdy demeanor. But you got a hundred billion dollars, so to me, you're super handsome. And Bill's like, well, okay, I'm kind of shy most of the time, but all right, if you want to.

[B]

I like those double plated pleated khakis.

[A]

I think I did Garth as Bill Gates.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel funny when I. The other one. Go ahead, go ahead. No, the other one that was, I thought was really big was Deepak Chopra.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

The guru really had some pretty intense email exchanges with Jeffrey.

[B]

You know, when you hit a thousand emails. There's some smoke.

[A]

Yeah, some smoke there. So I thought it, you know, I. Because I don't see Deepak Chopra that way normally. It's like he talk like this and with consciousness, he has to say that every five. Consciousness. And of course, the spirit of time. And I thought, what if he got Tourette's and then the real guy would come out, you know, be like the consciousness of life and what beauty of love and spank me with a spoon you. But anyway. Exactly. And I think that we can reach consciousness this time. I wear the golden panties. But anyway, you can jump in.

[B]

I'm trying consciousness. You. What's pegging?

[A]

I am. And life is love in the planets and universe and God and consciousness. My name is Deep Doggy doo doo. Okay, I gotta laugh.

[B]

Throat jump.

[A]

So anyway, you can't write it. You can't think it. Nothing against Deepak. I don't know what he did, but it is. It's a funny thing as it unfolds. We have. We're comedians, we have to.

[B]

There was a tourette situation, the BAFTAs, but it's probably too much.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

We can't say it, but it was an unfortunate situation.

[A]

Well, this Tourette's person kept saying the N word. And I think it was some kind of a word show or. I don't know.

[B]

I think it was the baftas.

[A]

The baftas. And he offended some people. But I guess if you have Tourette's, you just. It comes out. You can't help it. Right? It's just. You don't even.

[B]

I don't know. I mean, that's what I've heard. They had the girl, Bailey, Heather's favorite. She came out and spoke upon it.

[A]

Involuntary.

[B]

And when they suppress it, it does. It hurts physically inside too. It's hard.

[A]

It's a hard thing.

[B]

I mean. Yeah.

[A]

The only thing weird is that he had a whole Ku Klux Klan outfit on with the hood and everything.

[B]

He said, that's part of Tourette's.

[A]

Part of Tourette's. He just dresses in that and he burned.

[B]

No, it's just. He must be horrified because he can't even over explain it away. Everyone's just like, ah, it just. Yeah, was a rough.

[A]

But you can't. I mean, it is. It's just, it's. How did that happen? You know, what were the steps that took place that this gentleman would be on the stage yelling that word? I mean, did they have any idea

[B]

the guy was in the audience? But. But I will say, oh, he's in the audience. Okay. Yeah. He just yelled out. But in his defense, of course, I'll get this wrong. But he was saying, I've done three documentaries with, you know, BBC, so they know kind of how I am, and I'm sitting 40 rows back, but they put a microphone near me.

[A]

Well, okay.

[B]

And I said, why would you put a microphone near a guy that does. That has outbursts? So he's starting to. He's not. He's sort of spreading the blame around. He's like, listen, I shouldn't be near microphone.

[A]

Well, and also he was Touretting for quite a while, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He was like, I hate Dutch people. You know, there were a lot of stuff that was, you know, I don't like Swedish people.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. You know, things just come out very fast and. But yeah, I don't know.

[A]

My favorite line of the last 10 minutes was Deepak saying, my name is deep doggy doo doo. It makes no sense.

[B]

I just ran right over it. No, you have to listen back. And we laugh.

[A]

You laughed hard at. No, it's good. You can get a comedian to laugh because usually when we're bantering, what happens in comedian's brain is. It's like ping pong's. Like, oh, that was funny. And then your brain goes to. How do I join in on the.

[B]

Yeah. While you're talking, I go, I have to say something stupid. But I do like it. It makes me laugh when I listen to it. Or I see a clip and I'm like, that's funny. We both say stupid.

[A]

I just want to. You know, the politics are a really hot oven these days. But a few days ago, Trump did his State of the Union and He went for two hours. Now we do public. We do our sets. 70 hour.

[B]

I'm burnout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do 7080.

[A]

Yeah. By myself. Yeah. I won't. I play the guitar. And then it just fills 20 minutes. But even Trump, by the end, got a little slower and a. He got softer. Because in the beginning, we're going to do things in the country and our economy has never been better. And then two hours later, many people are saying

[B]

he loses a little bit of the bubbles.

[A]

You look at it and you believe it. And if you believe it, you understand it. And we're going very.

[B]

He's slowly almost asleep.

[A]

He's almost asleep.

[B]

I'm like, they gave him the light. I'd be giving him the light going, all right, wrap it up. It's just, how much can you say?

[A]

I mean, is he 80 or 79? I mean, he's up there, his ankles are swollen and it's two hours in.

[B]

He.

[A]

He already did two speeches. He flew in right before it started. I mean, should we all just eat filet o fish for breakfast or something?

[B]

I mean, I know what is the key to just. Bloviating is a great word.

[A]

We're going to do a lot of things and if you look at it, you see it, and believe me, it's going to be great. And we're going to do it a million times.

[B]

I have to say, he could say One sentence with what he wants to say, but he really builds it up and dances around it and fattens it up, and you're like, go, go, go.

[A]

Never.

[B]

That's just the way he is. He's always kind of sideways, too, I think, because he's looking at that prompter. They have glass prompters, right?

[A]

Yeah. And he has that you can't see. Yeah. But he likes to take a phrase, go to center, and mix and repeat it, like three or four times. You know, the state of the union. The state of the union. The state of the union. If you look at the state of the unit is good. It's good.

[B]

It's good. It's good.

[A]

You know, And. And it's. It's just a. An eccentric way of speaking.

[B]

Chris Rock used to do that. And I would make fun of him. I say, your act is only 30 minutes, but you put out an hour special because you go, Obama. Then everyone laughs, and he goes, barack Obama. And they laughing. He goes, president Barack. Oh. And then they waiting for the funny part.

[A]

That's all he says. There's no yeah.

[B]

And he sets it up, and then he does his joke. But I go, you just repeat everything.

[A]

I know. Well, I'm friends with Barack Obama. He says, chris Rock is his favorite comedian, Michelle. And I laugh so hard when he says Barack Obama over and over again when there's no punchline, just my name. We laugh all the time. It's funny, right, Michelle?

[B]

It's better than Barry. What's his other name?

[A]

Oh, Barry is a nickname.

[B]

Or Sorrento.

[A]

Barry Sorrento.

[B]

Isn't that his real name?

[A]

I don't think so. I don't. I don't think so.

[B]

Okay, Also on. On race, Let me just say, at any of these award shows, I saw a clip the other day saying, and this gentleman won, and he's the first black director to win for this document. I wish they would quit saying that because I think everyone. We can't all be equal to you just stop separating like that. Oh, the first in 30 years to have a black actor win this. If you just say we're all actors. I think now this is my point of view, that it just makes it more even and not. We're all just the same. We're all acting.

[A]

When I won my Emmy. Whoops, dude.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Flashback. They said they announced it. And this is the 198th straight white male that has won this award. And I was like, first.

[B]

Pip, squeak. I don't wanna.

[A]

I just. But can I be a person? Do I have to.

[B]

No, because when I was even doing Just Shoot Me, they go, you have a female director this week? I go, that's fine. Just. Is it a director? Yeah. Okay, we got it. Like, you don't even have to say that. Female director. It feels like a little. Not condescending, but a little diminishing. That's a good word. It's a little 5%. Instead of going, we don't have a regular director. You know what I mean? So I was a opponent of fighting.

[A]

I don't remember hearing that. That is a funny thing to say. We have a female director. What color eyes? Got blue eyes.

[B]

And then you're back in. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. And has long hair or short hair? Long hair.

[B]

Judge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then as a director, we got Clint Eastwood. That's it.

[B]

Oh, I. I did get thrown around my car when we were driving on the road. In more boring news, we should have a big crawl around.

[A]

How do you get.

[B]

Well, they were driving like a new Escalade or something, and I was sitting in the way back and I was not strapped in and when. And they touched the brakes. But the newer cars that. Have you ever seen automatic kind of locking brakes?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like this.

[A]

You're not used to them.

[B]

I went up to the dash. All the way to the dash.

[A]

You went over the front seats and. Right.

[B]

Well, they were separate. Separate. So I'm in the middle and I kind of went, oh. And then. But like three different times. They were hitting hard. And I'm holding on the back seat. I'm like, you can't just go a normal speed or do something.

[A]

I always strap in if I can because I go, yeehaw. I'm trying to do you. I can't. You do the seat belt with sound effects?

[B]

No, the seatbelt. I don't have any good ones. I like when you do that tighter.

[A]

You always do it.

[B]

And then you go like that. Yeah.

[A]

Well, I have airplane shtick and it's never not made the flight attendants laugh. Right as we're starting to go, you can do this. Loosen it. Loosen up your seat belt. If you're in the front row, which I was. Loosen your seat belt to like 4ft long. And then right as you start taking off, you just go like this. Like as if you're a rodeo.

[B]

You wrap it. Yeah.

[A]

And they go. They go crazy.

[B]

Yeah. She was doing her. Her seat belt shtick right next to me, and she's looking at me and I'm like this mean.

[A]

It was comedic or just.

[B]

No, she's Doing her real one. I go, I'm looking because no one's looking. Not one person's listening. And she goes, this is the horrible. Doing it right in front of you. I'm like, well, you're not doing bits. There's that scene in Tommy Boy where Chris does a whole bit about it.

[A]

About that. Doing this.

[B]

Yeah. He puts on.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Yeah. Puffs up.

[A]

I had a really nice flight attendant one. Sometimes they break the rules because I said, I'm kind of a nervous flyer. So she goes, oh, okay. So we're taking off. We're up, like maybe 20 seconds in the air, steep climb out. And I know she kind of sneaks around and just hands me a beer. She gets out of her seat.

[B]

Oh, I like that. You know what?

[A]

This one kind of rebels me.

[B]

I like that. Because they like you. I said to this one. She came back later and it was just quick hop from. I like that term. Quick hop from Dallas to San Antonio for the next show. And she goes, hey, can I get you anything? And I go, oh. She goes, we don't have service, so what do you want? I go, maybe just a little thing of water. She comes back and casually drops it like it's a. You know, like a pass off, right? And it's a big bottle of water like this.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then I'm like this nice. And then everyone else is looking at me, and I'm like this. And they're, like, waiting for water. They want that little Dixie cup. Meanwhile, I'm like, I'm waterlogged. I can't finish this thing. I have too much water.

[A]

I was on an overseas flight, and they. They. I just got one of those, like, 45 ounces.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I just chugged it because I go, okay. I'm at altitude. I've had a few adult beverages because of my nervousness. I'm gonna be hydrated. And then you have to go to the bathroom the rest of the flight.

[B]

All right, let's get to some no takes.

[A]

Hot takes. Okay.

[B]

Hot news. I wish we had BBBB Boring stories.

[A]

Not this one.

[B]

What boring story? Oh, we didn't do. This is a really boring story. Love is Blind Star sparks outrage for dumping his fiance Because I saw this clip. I don't even know the show at all, but he prefers women. He's delicately trying to say, she's out of shape. Right? It's so horrible because, A, if we have a picture, if you can look her up, she's really pretty. B, I think she's A doctor. And so he could do a lot worse is an understatement. And she's going, what's going on? He's like, I just. I work out a lot. And she's like, huh? And he's like, I just kind of like a girl that might want to cruise by the gym. Yeah. And she. He finally, after he dances around, he goes looking for more of a Pilates by a girl that rocks out Pilates like twice a day. And it was just not going well. Everyone's cringing, going, do not finish this. And she's like, huh. No, keep going. And he was just hanging himself. And then he finally goes, you get it, right? And she's like, yeah, take it easy. And I was like, oh, I don't even want to see the comments. Everyone's gonna be like, you have a beautiful doctor and you're worried about. And she. I've seen pictures. She doesn't look like any sort of out of shape anything.

[A]

Well, what I would. Her best comeback was said, look, okay, I appreciate it, man, but I think you're looking for a dude.

[B]

You might need a gym.

[A]

Can't women be soft and curvy? I mean, Arnold, that was his thing. If a woman has better abs than me, I kick her out of the bed.

[B]

Yeah, I need to date. You should maybe date the situation.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, of course. Do you remember his. That the guy who was also on that show called the Predicament.

[B]

I remember the Conundrum.

[A]

Okay, I'll see your conundrum and raise you.

[B]

Like, Predicament.

[A]

No, I did that as a joke on. That's funny because the predicament's kind of foreboding. It's a little bit like, what are we gonna do?

[B]

We're in a bit of a predicament.

[A]

Yeah, but most men are not worried about a, you know, a muscly woman.

[B]

You know, it's just, you know, it's a young guy, he doesn't really.

[A]

And he's just talking.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He steps in because when you say that. And she's just leaning there going like, ladies, listen to this. And he's like, he should have said, just listen, you're great and you're hot and. Why don't you get me some free coding cough syrup. Use your connection. Oh, Greg, she's got it. If you want to put it up.

[A]

Yeah, I'll give you a prescription.

[B]

I like. Heather goes, he looks like a doofus and she's gorgeous. Yeah.

[A]

Hey, honey, write me a prescription for love.

[B]

Yeah, leave your prescription pad Out. I want to write you love notes every day. And she's like, I didn't see love notes, but I do see that you have 100 extra Vicodins. He's like, oh, well, one prescription for me, and then one love.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Okay. This is the guy. See? She's pretty already. Yeah, she looks like Demi Lovato. And he's like, so anyway, I'm on the Ab Cruncher, and I'd like to see you on the Gravitron. I mean, maybe. Should I keep talking? She's like, yeah, keep talking.

[A]

There's so many people in the gym now. I mean, it must be a good business. I don't know. It seems like they're packed with people trying to be strong.

[B]

I like a girl that knows her way around a kettlebell. That's what he was saying.

[A]

Yeah. I have no comeback. I'm speechless.

[B]

All right, next story. That's good. That was a dumb one, but it's fine. They're all dumb.

[A]

No, it was great.

[B]

I know a lot of people on Raya and Tinder, but this is one that just pops up my feed called. It's Prison Connections.

[A]

Okay. My name is Amy Jackson. I'm currently incarcerated at Pocatello Women's Correctional center in Idaho. My IDOC is 129009, and you can

[B]

reach me on the Getting out app.

[A]

I'm tall, articulate, tattooed, in a total baddie. I'm also into some pretty freaky.

[B]

So if you have a taste for the taboo. Taste for the taboo? Oh, she's into some weird.

[A]

Well, yeah, freaky. No, no, we. We like.

[B]

Later, losers.

[A]

You had me at a low.

[B]

I'm a baddie. And I'm like, no, you're a baddie. You're doing seven years for something.

[A]

What a dandy.

[B]

She's a real dandy.

[A]

I mean, yeah, I.

[B]

You know, someone might want to court her. Right? Yeah.

[A]

I mean, if you're into sort of, you know, the monsters, vampirey kind of, you know.

[B]

Yeah, she's a little decorated, a little

[A]

bit scary kind of thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because where does it go? Where does the kink go?

[B]

Well, first of all, to date them. I don't know how I didn't scribble down all that info, but they're in jail. I. I guess the first order of business, if you have some sort of love connection. Right. What are you in for? If it's, you know. Right. It could be something harmless. So if you can live with that, it's not that bad. Well, now I will court you. Visit you write your letters until you get out, and then you can come stab me.

[A]

Okay, I have a question for this kind of stuff for you, Heather and Greg. Why is it that women seem to love murderers on murders row? They fall in love with the murderers on murders row. I. I guess.

[B]

I mean, they like bad guys that are trouble. Yeah. They know where they are at all times. Oh, yeah. They're not out with other women. They're stuck in jail.

[A]

They're killers, but they're controllable and they're at your, you know. I brought you some Twinkies. Hey, thank you, baby.

[B]

But the problem is, once they get out now they're free. So they borrow your car and they stay at your house. But then you don't know what they're doing. That's where it starts. They start to have some hiccups.

[A]

Do they ever get suspicious where they come in with the police report, like, I. I love you, Danny. But it says here there's a photo of you stabbing this guy. Oh, that's all a Photoshop.

[B]

I know. Are they still talking about that? I mean, it's one day.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

You throw up. My best day and my worst day.

[A]

I hate killing people. Look at me. Come on. But a jury.

[B]

If I got that girl in prison, I'd be like, are you taking Pilates in there? Because I'm looking for a Pilates fit. From the last. From the last story.

[A]

I. I understood. I was just trying to come back like ping pong. I was just thinking of Mike Tyson, his six years in prison, and he was just. He said, I had a great time in prison. I had the best time in prison. I got. I ate like a king, you know, these. All the T bone steaks will come in for me. I have a glass of red wine, everything. I mean, he had it so wired, and he was so beloved.

[B]

Oh, he. Oh, they love him, I'm sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, the guards are like, mike,

[A]

what can I get you? Hey, Mike, what do you want tonight? A T bone? Yeah, I think I'd like a ribeye steak, you know, and could I get a VHS TV thing? And I want to watch. I want. No, I was gonna go for Dickie Robbins, you know, David, I was gonna go for one of your movies. Oh, good.

[B]

Yeah, we can get you that. Okay, champ, let's see if we can get you a laser disc or something.

[A]

But I just did cross my mind just to make people very, very happy, is that we do our. Because we. We're. We play. We're Playing a few dates who are coming on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we come out at the end and you do. Because you can get into Joe Dirt like that and I can get into Garth like that. So we just come out as Joe Dirt and Garth and take questions.

[B]

Take questions as them. Yeah.

[A]

Make the crowd happy.

[B]

I have no ad lib skills. I've written cue cards.

[A]

Well, we use cue cards. Which is, you know, just a thought.

[B]

It's a possibility.

[A]

We will.

[B]

We just did a gig together.

[A]

I know. And you. Are you crushed as usual.

[B]

It was great. You were so funny.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

My day kicks off with a refreshing Celsius energy drink.

[A]

Then straight to the gym, pre K pickup back home to meal prep.

[B]

Time for my fire station shift.

[A]

One more Celsius.

[B]

Gotta keep the lights on when the three alarm hits. I'm ready. Celsius live. Live Fit.

[A]

Go grab a cold, refreshing Celsius at your local retailer or locate [e-mail] nuevo en TikTok puede que te sor prenda TikTok shop esta lleno de productos variados y des cuentos in esperados fasil de explorar, facil de encontrar. Buenas ofertas. Descarga TikTok ahora. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor. State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by.

[B]

All right, next one. Let's see. Let's see. We're really. Now we're cooking with gas.

[A]

We are on fire.

[B]

All right. Influencer faces $1 million lawsuit. Oh, I heard about this story.

[A]

Okay, what is this?

[B]

Oh, she is giving tips on being in a hotel room and if you don't have a washer and dryer, you can wash your underpants in the coffee machine.

[A]

Heather, you've heard in the coffee.

[B]

Oh, she's facing a lawsuit. Tara Woodcox, who describes herself as a

[A]

health and nutrition blogger, shared a video

[B]

showing people how to wash underwear using a hotel coffee maker while traveling. In the video, Tara run out of clean underwear.

[A]

You can place it inside the coffee

[B]

filter compartment, close the lid and press the brew button. The machine then sprays hot water over the fabric. She suggests Drying the underwear with a bathroom hair dryer before wearing it again.

[A]

The video quickly went viral.

[B]

Many viewers said this video using hotel coffee machines. Days later, several guests realized they had stayed at the same hotel as Tara

[A]

and had already used the in room coffee maker. And now who's. Who makes coffee? Who's the next person making coffee?

[B]

To calm the situation, the hotel reportedly offered refunds to recent guests and replaced all coffee machines on the property. The hotel has now filed a lawsuit against Tara Woodcox, seeking about $1 11 million in damages for financial loss and reputational harm.

[A]

The story has sparked debate to the name of the hotel or the hygiene while traveling.

[B]

No. They should, but people are figuring it out. Would you still use a hotel coffee machine? Yeah, that's.

[A]

Huh. Well, I'm glad she went viral. No, when I was. I was a while back was in Europe with my wife and it's pretty easy to use the basin of the sink and you have, you, you just. There's very hot water there and you put tie a little package of soap and you just. Then you rinse it and then you hang the underwear or T shirt or socks over a thing and it dries overnight. Or maybe a little hair dryer. And then you rinse out the freaking basin. You're not in there seeing all this stuff coming out of from the armpits and under the crotch area. All you see is clear fresh water. When you rinse out and run the water on the basin.

[B]

Oh boy, I just got a lot out. Throw the underpants away. You did? Yeah, I let you go.

[A]

I wanted to kind of get some. Some.

[B]

So people are sickened by this.

[A]

People with small lives can get just crazy about stuff. You know, you got to have a kind of a lo fi existence.

[B]

Like you just.

[A]

You go to the supermarket and you're feeling the avocados. Fucking avocados, man. They're all gushy fucking thousand avocados. God damn it.

[B]

That's me mad all time. Okay, we'll go to the next one. Underpants in the coffee machine. We all agree is possibly gross that

[A]

it went viral and then our clip will go viral.

[B]

Oh, this is that. I'm sure Heather knows what this story. Punch, the baby monkey. His name is Punch.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Oh, Punch.

[B]

I think he's in China. I'm not going to show it. But he's been bullied.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Has he been bullied or not? Meet Punch. The six month old Japanese monkey was abandoned by his. Oh, I thought you were going to correct it.

[A]

Oh, he's abandoned Mother caring for him day and night.

[B]

No, he's sad. We shouldn't even show it. His surrogate mom, a plushy orangutan that is now his safe place. Place he hangs out with his little stuff doll. So cute. Punch's story went viral with many, both on and offline.

[A]

Cheering on.

[B]

Now he is slowly joining.

[A]

Does he think it's real?

[B]

No. He gets sad and scared, so he hugs his little squishy doll.

[A]

But he knows it's a fake. But he knows it's enough. It looks enough like an animal.

[B]

But he knows it's his only friend, Dana.

[A]

Maybe he thinks it's actually real. What?

[B]

I.

[A]

What is the IQ of a little monkey?

[B]

What if he thinks it's like Weekend at Bernie's and he's just dragging around?

[A]

What if he thinks, and I don't think this would happen, that he thinks it's David Spade?

[B]

What if he thinks that's all we do? What if he thinks it's a Garth doll because his eyes are bad?

[A]

What if. I don't know, but I'll stay.

[B]

But everyone's bullying him.

[A]

I love it. I mean, look. I mean, you sleep with a special pillow and you. You do suck your thumb at night. I mean, everyone needs comfort.

[B]

That's true. I. I think the world feels bad for him. People online are like, I will fly over to China and I will save this guy. I'll beat the. Out of every one of those other monkeys. People get really worried. You know, they get worked up because animals mean a lot.

[A]

Well, it's like you're around a one and a half year old and no one can take their eyes off the toddler. All the. You're just staring at the innocence and the lack of awareness. And so the little monkey doesn't know how ridiculous he looks. If you could speak monkey sound, you tell him it looks stupid. And the little monkey be like,

[B]

no friends.

[A]

You look dumb.

[B]

That's what they chat about there.

[A]

Well, I'm in Turkey. Don't be stupid and drag around that stuffed animal. No, by the way, not real.

[B]

You'll be happy to know that that stupid animal sold out immediately online immediately.

[A]

And is opening for us in October. Our next big casino.

[B]

Do we have a gig in next year?

[A]

Yeah, we. We have one that's up around the same area we just played, but further north.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, those are fun gigs.

[A]

And Lincoln. We had a great time in Lincoln.

[B]

Great, great crowd in California. Thunder Valley.

[A]

Thunder Valley. Incredible audience.

[B]

Okay, next one. I gotta wake up.

[A]

Yeah, I know. It's just this, you know, late afternoon, really normally my nap time. Okay, here we go.

[B]

What is this? Oh, underground noises. Let's see what these are. A farmer in Kentucky decides to dig

[A]

a huge hole on its property after

[B]

hearing this loud construction noise coming from

[A]

deep underneath his farm.

[B]

His farm is in the middle of nowhere.

[A]

All right, guys.

[B]

Well, six foot hole dug here and we've hit rock. But listen to this.

[A]

Okay, I'm listening. Ah, someone trying to get out.

[B]

Terrifying. I don't. No.

[A]

Is he hitting rock or is he hitting concrete?

[B]

Is this some type of underground construction

[A]

or is some mob guy was hit

[B]

by the aliens live under there.

[A]

Yeah. Or it's just a funny sound effect the guy's making.

[B]

It's me. And they're going. I'm going. This.

[A]

That's called doing a panting dog.

[B]

This video was taken from another section of his property.

[A]

So it just sounds.

[B]

What's that noise?

[A]

This sound has been going on for

[B]

months now that with no answers freak me out. It almost feels like there's some kind of construction going on underneath his farm.

[A]

Too easy to fake though, right?

[B]

I don't know. I mean, to dig at. He dug six feet. The farmer says he can feel the ground vibration. Oh, see, there's definitely. How do you explain that?

[A]

Underneath.

[B]

I don't like this voiceover. We're on AI voiceover.

[A]

It's kind of scary.

[B]

At least it doesn't have that scary music. Goes outside of there's something being built underneath his. Right farm. There's probably.

[A]

Well, they don't. What they don't put in here is. Is the guy put his house up for sale for $89 and he finally got a. Finally got a buyer who wants to buy a property.

[B]

Yeah. I wouldn't. Do you have to disclose if you have aliens underneath your house in a secret tunnel?

[A]

We probably talked about this. If you heard a noise at night that scared you in your house, of course. And what did it sound like?

[B]

I'm the biggest puss. Yeah. I have a locked door.

[A]

What did it sound like?

[B]

Spade. What's up, guys? I go. Nothing. I'm going to bed. If I keep hearing this, I'm coming out. No, I have. I'll go out there. I'll start some.

[A]

I got the same thing.

[B]

What do you got?

[A]

You don't need spade. That's what they say. Is it?

[B]

Curve it.

[A]

I actually talked to our mutual manager and he loves our impression of him.

[B]

Him? No way.

[A]

He said, I love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a nice little hop.

[B]

Yeah. To open your shirt. Your heart Will fall out. You like money.

[A]

Who's funny in you?

[B]

Yeah. I go, I guess Danny just told him the same thing. He's got Zach. He's got so many funny people.

[A]

I know. It's quite a little cavalcade.

[B]

That's Cavalcade of Comedians.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, another one. Where's that one about? Is that one okay, Mom?

[A]

Dummy. Blasted for requiring five forms of ID to shovel. Five.

[B]

What the.

[A]

Right. Well, DSA opposes voter id. Yeah, yeah. Trump brought that up. Is that true?

[B]

I mean, he says, if you want to shovel snow as a regular citizen because it's not going fast enough, come down, and we will. He goes, bring a shovel or we'll get you.

[A]

Well, you'll. They'll pay you like 29 bucks an hour. But you need five forms of ID.

[B]

I thought it was two, but.

[A]

Yeah, well, just. If it's even one.

[B]

Yeah. I think people are saying, if you. If you don't need one to vote, why would you need one to shovel snow? These are the stresses of being a mayor.

[A]

I don't know why you'd have to identify who you are as an American citizen to vote. That sounds a little weird. I mean.

[B]

Yeah, break my personal space.

[A]

I saw a three year old purchasing a quart of vodka and I said, aren't you gonna ID him? The guy was like, I don't know, man. I mean, you know, does he really lean in an ID comes in every day. He's my semi friend. And the three year old's like, thanks, mister.

[B]

You know, I got carded at Chili's my last trip. You did card? Dead. I didn't tell you Heather carded because I ordered Tito's with my Diet Coke on the side. And they were like, can we get some id? And I go, well, I don't know if I have it. And I go, sorry, we just got to give them. Everybody get their id. And I go, okay, can I just have. And then I go, bobby, why don't you get some Tito's? And he goes, okay. And he showed his id. And then I just. The guy just put it down with me. He goes, sorry, we just gotta get id. I go, I get it. And how old I look?

[A]

I know they say, oh, we have to do this, but there was a guy I swore he's probably 88 or something. They were carding. I mean, he was like, that was me. Tale of the Crips, you know, that you. Honestly. But they. They kind of have to. But that three year old, I don't know, maybe it was you. Know, maybe I misread that, but who

[B]

did the voice of the Crypt Keeper? Bob Goldthwaite, comedic close. John Kassir.

[A]

Okay, and what did it say?

[B]

Remember John Kassir, comedian? He was on Star Search.

[A]

Sure. What did he sound like as the Crypt Keeper?

[B]

Let me tell you something. If you're. If any comedians ask other comedians about comedians, they always know the other guy. It's so funny.

[A]

It's still.

[B]

Everybody's worked with everyone. Somewhere along the line, you're like, oh, yeah, we did Rooster Tea Feathers. You know, so there's always.

[A]

It's a. It's still kind of a small group of people that are stupid enough to pursue a career and stand up, up comedy with all the pain and all the. Especially the first three years. If you get past three years, maybe you can settle in. But, man, some of those early bombs,

[B]

they just start hearing like, Nate make everyone makes so much money. Shane. And you just go, A, that's lightning in a bottle, and B, you have to be really good. And. And also, it's taken them forever to get there.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, if. If someone wants to be a Nate or, Or. Or a Shane or. Or a spade, then they. They've got to put in. You gotta grind. You gotta do your 10, 000 hours of just all those clubs and everything. But.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, well, we'll land on that.

[A]

That up.

[B]

Yeah. I don't have my sound effects. Remember, I used to have.

[A]

I know what happened to that.

[B]

I'll get them down here.

[A]

I have a new, new character that has a little prop that I'll do next week.

[B]

Oh, cliffhanger.

[A]

Cliffhanger.

[B]

A lot of good feedback on Eddie Vedder last week on the other pod,

[A]

and I could have gone on for another hour with him. Once you start getting into the, you know, classic rock bands and, and the people he's played with and stuff, you know.

[B]

Yeah, he's a stud.

[A]

That's like.

[B]

Remember when I was telling who the greatest rock voices were? I said, eddie, if you're not on it, don't get mad. Don't get mad. This is my list. Can't get mad. I know I would have gotten a Freddie Mercury.

[A]

Well, we were kind of. We were kind of thinking 90s in a way, weren't we?

[B]

Or. It's hard because if you think rock or if you think. There's so many different kind of voices. I wanted to get the female rockers, but we didn't get. We ran out of time. We.

[A]

We kind of.

[B]

We forgot a few people.

[A]

So you want to clear that up. Freddie Mercury has had quite the pipes. What a tremendous show.

[B]

That was quite.

[A]

And of course, Carly Simon could sing her, you know, sing her pants off or.

[B]

And that's, you know. Did you remember Live Aid? And. And how big. You know, they talked about Queen at Live Aid. I just saw on Instagram that who went after Queen? Who would have to follow Queen? And they said people wanted to move their spot. And David Bowie said, I'll go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And did great.

[A]

Well, the thing about Queen, which is just for a few seconds here, is the range of what they did, even though it has its own sensibility. That's a Queen song. But you remember, I mean, We Are the Champions. Just that song. Not that it's ubiquitous, but the way it started. The chorus of We Are is so brilliant. And of course, my Bohemian Rhapsody. Whoops.

[B]

How do we get to this?

[A]

Oh, Wayne's World.

[B]

Oh, my God. How could I forget?

[A]

Sorry. I apologize.

[B]

Mama Miago.

[A]

I still hurt you would have not liked that scene. Penelope was your director.

[B]

We didn't black.

[A]

Oh, you did it right.

[B]

And no, I. And I wasn't doing it hard enough because I got a bad neck. And she's like, spade, go.

[A]

You gotta kind of just do your whole body. Oh, they're telling you to go harder.

[B]

Yeah, because I can't keep up with Farley. He's like, oh, yeah, Bones in his neck.

[A]

He is always amorphous.

[B]

Yes. Meet me in the middle. I can't keep up with that. Anyway, it was nice meeting you and pleasure.

[A]

Same. Bad time next week?

[B]

We'll see you next time. Yeah. Thank you very much.

[A]

Peace out, everybody.

[B]

Hey, guys. If you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app, give us review, five star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.

[A]

If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now.

[B]

Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung Keyser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

[A]

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by

[B]

Phil Sweet tech booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

[A]

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kir Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

[B]

Reach out with us. Any questions be asked and answered on the show? You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey. Com. That's a U, D, A C y dot com.