SUPERFLY #45 - MORE AUTOGRAPHS!

Summary

Superfly #45 - More Autographs!
Hosted by Dana Carvey and David Spade
Release Date: December 6, 2024

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Introduction

In Superfly #45, Dana Carvey and David Spade dive into a lively discussion filled with personal anecdotes, humorous insights, and candid conversations about their experiences in showbiz, particularly focusing on the often amusing and challenging world of autographs and fan interactions. Throughout the episode, they intersperse promotional segments seamlessly, adding to the dynamic flow of the conversation.

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1. BetMGM Promotion and Lighthearted Banter (00:00 - 02:18)

The episode kicks off with David Spade promoting BetMGM's new sportsbook features, including their "Second Chance on First Touchdown" offer. David explains the promotion enthusiastically:

David Spade [00:00]: "BetMGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown bet. So when a customer bets a wager on a first touchdown score bet, and he does not score first, but scores second, we return 100% of their stake back in cash."

Dana responds with humorous skepticism, setting the playful tone for the episode:

Dana Carvey [00:54]: "You've officially gone to cuckoo land, and I hope you're coming back because you are not in the real world right now."

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2. Navigating Autograph Culture (04:03 - 24:54)

Dana and David delve into their shared challenges with autograph-seeking fans, particularly highlighting awkward and humorous encounters at airports and events.

Airport Frisking Stories:

David recounts a particularly awkward experience at an airport security checkpoint:

David Spade [08:03]: "I went to the Doobie Brothers. I think I went to the Eagles. Anybody that's, you know, along my lines? Thousands of thousands."

Dana shares her own amusing tales of constant fan interactions:

Dana Carvey [10:40]: "She continues to say, 'Let’s go see all those fans back there,' implying her overwhelming fanbase."

Autograph Overload:

The duo discusses the overwhelming nature of autograph requests, emphasizing the emotional toll it takes:

David Spade [39:20]: "They tell me I do one pick. Which one? They go, okay, this Ben Swimmers jersey. So I signed that."

Dana humorously laments the decreasing quality of their signatures over time:

Dana Carvey [41:31]: "At the beginning, I do a perfect D, A, N, A. By the end, it's just a liquid fart."

Notable Quote:

David Spade [19:26]: "I'll do it as Joe Biden. Come on, go."

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3. Thanksgiving and Family Dynamics (08:03 - 16:23)

The conversation shifts to personal family stories, particularly focusing on Thanksgiving gatherings and the humorous chaos that ensues.

Art Projects and Family Tensions:

David shares a funny anecdote about his family's art project during Thanksgiving:

David Spade [14:12]: "People like this."

Dana adds her own twist on family expectations and the pressures of showbiz life:

Dana Carvey [15:53]: "Your mom turned into William Defo."

Notable Quote:

Dana Carvey [15:40]: "Oh, my mom also goes, go eat the cheese. No, she didn't say it."

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4. Gift Recommendations and Holiday Cheer (02:18 - 46:50)

Dana and David transition into holiday gift recommendations, sharing their favorite platforms and products.

MasterClass Promotion:

David endorses MasterClass as a thoughtful gift option, highlighting its diverse range of instructors:

David Spade [42:45]: "They have what, 200 plus of the world's best. That's why Wirecutter calls it an invaluable gift because it is."

Blue Nile Promotion:

Dana and David discuss Blue Nile as an ideal gift for significant milestones, such as engagements:

Dana Carvey [44:50]: "Blue Nile.com. Why do all the work when Blue Nile will do it for you?"

Fracture Promotion:

They introduce Fracture as a unique gift idea, emphasizing personalized photo prints on sleek glass:

Dana Carvey [47:19]: "Fracture takes your favorite photos... making people gasp."

Notable Quote:

David Spade [46:31]: "This year, no socks, no oven, no candles, just Fracture."

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5. Current Events and Humorous Takes (25:40 - 52:05)

The hosts tackle various current events and societal trends with their signature humor.

Hunter Biden Pardon Joke:

Dana and David co-create a satirical Johnny Carson-style monologue about Hunter Biden being pardoned, filled with absurd humor:

David Spade [56:16]: "Hunter Biden, the one who was having sex with his brother's wife, he's got himself in a bit of a pickle."

Alien Sightings and Technology:

They discuss the prevalence of alien sightings on social media, blending skepticism with humor:

Dana Carvey [57:35]: "The last time I saw something that really looked truly alien was Bill the plumber fixing the faucet."

Notable Quote:

Dana Carvey [55:54]: "Men are the worst. Greasy, stupid fools. Horny, greasy, stupid, and willing to depart with cash."

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6. Technological Mishaps and Personal Health Stories (64:00 - 68:57)

Dana and David share personal stories about technological mishaps and health issues, adding a layer of vulnerability to their comedic exchange.

Health Check-In:

David humorously recounts his experience with a medical procedure, blending discomfort with comedy:

David Spade [65:19]: "I was injected with dye or something. Heroin. Yeah."

Physical Injuries:

They discuss the aftermath of physical injuries sustained during comedic antics:

Dana Carvey [66:22]: "They shaved my pubes for... Even though they didn't put any electric thing down."

Notable Quote:

David Spade [67:03]: "Dana, I'll tell you, it's gonna be great."

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7. Closing Remarks and Final Jokes (68:57 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Dana and David engage in rapid-fire jokes and anecdotes, maintaining the high-energy and humorous spirit of the show.

Miniature Book Nook Discussion:

David introduces Heather's intricate "book nook," marveling at the craftsmanship required:

David Spade [30:13]: "How high is it? It's called a book nook."

Final Jokes and Sign-offs:

Dana and David close with a series of quick jokes and light-hearted banter, leaving listeners with a mix of laughter and anticipation for future episodes.

David Spade [63:10]: "What, you sound like Gurwitz today. It's Prada."

Dana Carvey [68:20]: "Good night, Mr. Spade."

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Conclusion

Superfly #45 - More Autographs! offers a blend of humor, personal stories, and candid discussions about the complexities of fame and fan interactions. Dana Carvey and David Spade successfully navigate through topics ranging from the tribulations of autograph-gathering to heartfelt family anecdotes, all while maintaining their signature comedic flair. The episode not only entertains but also provides insightful glimpses into the lives of two beloved comedians in the entertainment industry.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• David Spade [00:00]: "BetMGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown bet."
• Dana Carvey [00:54]: "You've officially gone to cuckoo land..."
• David Spade [19:26]: "I'll do it as Joe Biden. Come on, go."
• Dana Carvey [15:40]: "Oh, my mom also goes, go eat the cheese."
• David Spade [42:45]: "They have what, 200 plus of the world's best."
• Dana Carvey [47:19]: "Fracture takes your favorite photos..."
• Dana Carvey [55:54]: "Men are the worst. Greasy, stupid fools."
• David Spade [56:16]: "Hunter Biden... bit of a pickle."
• Dana Carvey [68:20]: "Good night, Mr. Spade."

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Recommended for Fans Who Haven't Listened

If you're new to Dana Carvey and David Spade's Superfly series, this episode provides a perfect blend of humor, personal storytelling, and insightful commentary on the quirks of celebrity life. Whether you're interested in the behind-the-scenes challenges of maintaining authenticity amidst fame or simply looking for a good laugh, Superfly #45 delivers on all fronts.

Transcript

[David Spade]

Okay, Dana, you know, I like to gamble a bit. I'm just. I'm not like, oh, yeah, too deep in it. But I take a little bit of the Joe Dirt money now and then, and the reruns do a little this and that. But this is. This is about. At BetMGM now, you can follow and tag BETMGM across all your socials, and that gets you in the mix. This is the sports book born in Vegas. They have a thing called Second chance on first touchdown. Scorer, let me break it down for you. All season long, bring that down. Yeah, please. BetMGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown bet. So when a customer bets a wager on a first touchdown score bet, and he does not score first, but scores Second, we return 100% of their stake back in cash. This is crazy talk.

[Dana Carvey]

You've officially gone to cuckoo land, and I hope you're coming back because you are not in the real world right now.

[David Spade]

One Flew over the Cuckoo's app.

[Dana Carvey]

I bet ones at the first touchdown would be the first one, and I won a four.

[David Spade]

Some of these are good offers. They're like if the touchdown is scored by even a soccer player, you win.

[Dana Carvey]

It's like, oh, that's right.

[David Spade]

If.

[Dana Carvey]

So, anyway, in the back of a Dodge Dart in the parking lot, you get a pretty penny.

[David Spade]

Okay, listen, I'll just tell you that's good. BetMGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. BetMGM and Game Sense Remind you to gamble responsibly. See betmgm.com for terms 21+only. This U.S. promotional spot is not available in Ontario. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-Gambler available in the U.S. for New York, call 8778 Hope NY or text Hopeny. That's 467-369. For Arizona, call 1-800-Next Step for Massachusetts, 1-800-327-5050. Iowa, 1-800-Bets off for Puerto Rico, 1-800-981-0023. Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel.

[Dana Carvey]

You know, David, look, listen. This holiday season, surprise everyone on your list with the best gifts, all right? Tickets to see there. Wait for it. Favorite artists live.

[David Spade]

Yeah, listen, I go to concerts. Live Nation. I've dealt with them on every concert. They're always in the mix. I went to the Doobie Brothers. I think I went to the Eagles. Anybody that's, you know, along my lines? There's thousands. Thousands.

[Dana Carvey]

Metallica.

[David Spade]

They're in the comedy world, too. Don't worry about that. We got a mix. We've got, you know, Dane Cook, who is on the show coming up, we've got Mariah Carey. Of course, it's Christmas. Perfect timing. Metallica, like you said. Rascal Flats. Our old buddies, Sebastian, who we just.

[Dana Carvey]

Talked to Sarah Silverman.

[David Spade]

Love. Love, yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Trans Siberian Orchestra.

[David Spade]

The list goes on and on.

[Dana Carvey]

It's a cavalcade.

[David Spade]

Share a memory, potpourri together. Give them a gift they'll never forget. Find the most exciting gift for every [e-mail] gifts that's livenation.com gifts.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Livenation.com gifts.

[David Spade]

You want to start right now and go for it? You want to get into it?

[Dana Carvey]

I got so mix it up.

[David Spade]

Look at my Road Runner.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm in a new location now.

[David Spade]

What is this now?

[Dana Carvey]

This is my other place.

[David Spade]

Just don't worry about it.

[Dana Carvey]

It's not. I'll be in New York, you know, I go, I'm gonna keep moving. I have three homes. Don't be jealous.

[David Spade]

Do you leave anything in New York?

[Dana Carvey]

Do I leave anything in New York? I leave everything there.

[David Spade]

You do. You keep it the whole time. Richie Rich. Jesus Christ.

[Dana Carvey]

No, no, I don't. I don't pay. It's. Some other people are very generous.

[David Spade]

I took care of that for you.

[Dana Carvey]

It's okay to ask David.

[David Spade]

I took care of it.

[Dana Carvey]

Trust me.

[David Spade]

They've got money.

[Dana Carvey]

Trust me, they can afford it.

[David Spade]

You know, I told him. I told him, do the right thing. Do the right thing.

[Dana Carvey]

Stop the bombing.

[David Spade]

Hey, handsome. All right.

[Dana Carvey]

Funnier than you. We're gonna have to make memes out of.

[David Spade]

I had git on a zoom today and he was bombing. Did all his.

[Dana Carvey]

All his hits, all his stick and nothing.

[David Spade]

Crickets. Yeah, crickets.

[Dana Carvey]

You got a lot of zooms.

[David Spade]

I do have. I have a lot. They're mostly with Theo, but. God dang, there's a lot of zooms. He was the funniest one to zoom with, but he walks around sometimes. The laptop drives me crazy.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, sit.

[David Spade]

I can't stand these zoomers. Hey, man, I know.

[Dana Carvey]

That's kind of a hip thing to.

[David Spade]

Do, get car sick. Where are you going? You got a zoom.

[Dana Carvey]

I know.

[David Spade]

Everyone said, oh, sh.

[Dana Carvey]

You know, it's funny when people say, you're talking to the phone. He said, I'm going to take you into my car. I've said this before, but it's funny. I'm taking you in the car with me. No, I'm trying to order a drive.

[David Spade]

Hang on. I have to beat my kids.

[Dana Carvey]

Wait a minute. Let me get the effect for the driving. And then the hitting of the kids again. First the driving effect and now stop. Hey.

[David Spade]

Crash.

[Dana Carvey]

Is there a dog in the engine or something?

[David Spade]

Yeah, no, that's the tires. Then they hit it off.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, what was that? What was in your hand? It didn't sound like a slap.

[David Spade]

No, just. It's an elbow. It really gives him a. Wakes him up.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I was a little tired yesterday.

[David Spade]

You know, so I just.

[Dana Carvey]

I took a hot bath, put the thing in there so that the water wouldn't go down the drain. Then I towel it off. As long as you say what it is. Yeah, the sound effect can be.

[David Spade]

Then I got a cheese grater.

[Dana Carvey]

Then I ate a cheeseburger.

[David Spade]

Dude, I have to tell you.

[Dana Carvey]

You know what? Every time we do any riff on this, I imagine it's a. It's a YouTube short. So I start.

[David Spade]

I start, and you go, we need more. We need more. We got to get to a minute for Patrick.

[Dana Carvey]

I start thinking, what will he do with this?

[David Spade]

And, you know, I know. I feel YouTube has ruined it because we have any. Any real conversation. We go. We gotta judge it up with a little yada, yada.

[Dana Carvey]

That. That's it. That's gonna be in something on Instagram. Don't be mad at my new haircut.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, it's pretty fluffy.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, the shorter, the more the fluff. We've talked about this many times on this podcast.

[David Spade]

I'm cutting the sides off this week. All gone. Shaved.

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, you're trying to look like me. No, you're not going to shave and then have a nose ring. Check your birth certificate, Quinky.

[David Spade]

Come on, Glico.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, Christ sakes. There's a time and a place for that kind of accoutrement.

[David Spade]

All right, he turned into Scheherazade, whoever that is.

[Dana Carvey]

I know, but that sounded almost like an author or something. The Egyptian author wrote the Bridgeway to the Nile in 1947.

[David Spade]

Now, listen, I'm going to back up to Thanksgiving, because I know Thanksgiving was last week, but I will say the beginning of Thanksgiving always starts with me watching local news, and they always have some newscaster posted up at the airport.

[Dana Carvey]

I love it.

[David Spade]

Oh, the car. It is the record. It's always a record. Literally, there's never been a week or a year. There wasn't a record. Record. 80 million drivers and then the airport. 80 million flyers. Always a record. Who knows? Who checks? Who knows? Sounds better to say there's a record. And we're here at 4 in the morning and it is packed. And you know what I mean?

[Dana Carvey]

We're expecting 149 million people to go to Disneyland this Friday.

[David Spade]

You should always give it about seven hours ahead of time just to let them frisk your balls. Did I tell you? I did say when they frisked my wiener. Did I tell you this, Heather? The guy goes there. He's like, hey, spade, everyone's cool. He goes. And I'm like, beep, beep. He's like, this is a random one. I think he's telling me to go away, but he goes. I say, oh, come here. It's a random one, meaning I still do it. You know, it's me. Nah. And he gets in. He goes, something's in your groin area. I go, oh, you've heard about it. He goes, no, something's in there. It's showing up on the thing. And I go, maybe it's a zipper. I don't know. And he goes.

[Dana Carvey]

He gives you an interview first, because.

[David Spade]

That'S what I gotta get in there. I would get in there.

[Dana Carvey]

And he goes, you sounded seduced for a second.

[David Spade]

I gotta get in your groin area.

[Dana Carvey]

I know.

[David Spade]

You ready for a groin pat? He helps me, nods, and I go. And he goes, all right, you want front or back of the hand? I go, just. Let's just do front, where, you know, we're having fun. He literally goes, front or back of the hand?

[Dana Carvey]

I go, I know I've never. I've never had, like, a nice, cheerful dialogue, but I want to hear this. I. I get frisked every single time I go through the machine. Continue. Not a bit. Not a joke. And I know how they do it. They're talking to you, and they come up the inner thigh with the hands, and then they sort of bounce up and make.

[David Spade]

Hey, you the church lady? It looks like more like the church dude.

[Dana Carvey]

Christ. They go up the pant leg.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

And that's. That's before I get to the airport. Okay, good night, people. I've done it.

[David Spade]

That's the Sky Cap Delta guy.

[Dana Carvey]

So. So you literally got frisk. And he grabbed.

[David Spade]

He gives me a backhand hand job like this. I'm like, okay. He goes, you're good.

[Dana Carvey]

But I get it every time. People are going, hey, did you do the church lady? Can I get a picture? And then. Yeah, okay. Up against the wall. Spread.

[David Spade]

Where are the bombs?

[Dana Carvey]

Let's go see all those fans back there.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

We don't care about you and your fan base, which is shrinking according to this document. Airport you have data on my fan base. And he said, yep, I do. And that my favorite thing to do is when I work Phoenix Airport, because I get a chance to grope David Spade. Even though the X ray says he's.

[David Spade]

Clean as a whistle, he goes, might be a glitch.

[Dana Carvey]

It might be. We are now into Senator John F. Kennedy glitch. I have to grab your testicles. My words, not yours.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

At least he's honest that way.

[David Spade]

Do you still have two testicles? Most people do. I do. I know I do. Yours as big as Dallas?

[Dana Carvey]

Do you name each individual? So where are we going with this? Where does this end?

[David Spade]

Do you think women still have pay you back hair? Just a question. There's no right or wrong.

[Dana Carvey]

Once dated a lady from Memphis Fantasy, and she dyed her pubic hair in a kaleidoscope effect she had. Is that your experience?

[David Spade]

You could pull on them. They're 7 inches each. They're just jammed down.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. And if you had some jam left over from your sandwich, it would make a sticky paste and you could spell letters. You could actually write a little note to her that she would find later in her kaleidoscope growing area. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is an Instagram clip.

[David Spade]

She's. People like this.

[Dana Carvey]

We didn't say they were good. Says they're clips.

[David Spade]

They're noisy. So I get to. I get to Thanksgiving dinner. I got a Harper. And. And we have this good idea, right? Yeah. Harper says, let's get little canvases like this. Because my mom ran into a woman that teaches art or whatever she does. My mom will literally talk to anyone. Literally talk to anyone. And they talk for a long time. And then numbers exchange, Facebook, this, this. So she's dialed in immediately. So we get in a circle, the idea. And then we all have a. We paint the person the opposite side of you. So it's kind of fun. Get a little paint there. Get the brushes. I'm just. I'll jump ahead. I'm easily the worst. My brother Brian was better than I thought. He's. It shows a lot of personality. Like, people. He was more abstract, you know, Drawing eyes to start with a portrait is a horrible idea. Unless you're Kevin Nealon or someone that's really good at this, you know?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, it's. It's impossible.

[David Spade]

And you look like a fucking asshole. And I think it should be a joke on a date where the guy is so bad that the girl loses interest in him because he's so bad. Like, you're just like, oh, you have no talent at all. There's nothing going on in your head because they were horrible. Now, Harper's was pretty good. I actually have Harper's. She had to draw me. And do you have that?

[Dana Carvey]

Can we.

[David Spade]

This is just watercolor.

[Dana Carvey]

Watercolor stare.

[David Spade]

I got a brown. A little. This Harper Stitch draws.

[Dana Carvey]

It just. She's 16. Within like five minutes.

[David Spade]

Let me see. We're just gonna pop it up. We'll clean this up later. Okay. That's not bad, right?

[Dana Carvey]

It's cute. It's pretty good. Yeah. That is absolutely not good. Yeah. Yeah.

[David Spade]

I like that she signed it and so that. Listen, you got a little blue in the eyes. You got a little bit. You got some generous with the hair. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

And cheeks. You know, she's discolorating things, you know?

[David Spade]

Yeah. Literally, the art teachers walking around going, oh, Harper, I like this. I like the blood. I like the way, you know it's me. She goes, okay. Then she keeps walking. She has nothing to say other than, like, it's too much wrong to even get. There's nothing to even help. Just keep moving. So anyway, we did that. And then my mom, though. My mom, I have to tell you, when I come in, I've told her maybe 1000 times, I'm leaving at the end of this art thing because I have to go to the airport. I don't want to fly on Sunday. It's going to be Saturday night.

[Dana Carvey]

Right.

[David Spade]

I've told her honestly 1200 times. I walk in, she goes, brian just told me you're leaving today. You're not, are you? I go, I'm not leaving now. At. At the end of the two hour. No. Oh, my God. She goes, it's so classic, Mom. And I go, mom, do you step on a rusty nail? Are you okay? She goes, oh, you said you'd stay. Another showbiz lie. I go, no, I have to show business lie. Oh, yes, you're so. Where's the Davey I used to know? I go, I'm just leaving one day early because it's too hard to fly on a Sunday. She goes, oh, you have to get back to a freak off. I go, I wish.

[Dana Carvey]

No, Hollywood turned you into a freak off.

[David Spade]

You were supposed to ride. Yeah, ride bikes with the neighbor kids. I promise.

[Dana Carvey]

I want to hold you and rock you.

[David Spade]

Yeah, she does. She's like, that's. Dude, I like her and her friends gave me a present. It's always odd. I don't know what to do with presents anyway.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm like, well, you can't get someone present.

[David Spade]

They gave me a present. This is for your birthday from July. Anyway. Anyway, my mom kept going, and then I go, I got a half hour left. No, like, she's. I go, mom, are you William Defoe at the end of Platoon? Like, getting shot out?

[Dana Carvey]

Your mom turned into William Defo. I see it.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Remember Platoon? He gets shot from the back and goes, a.

[Dana Carvey]

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[David Spade]

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[Dana Carvey]

Investing involves risk. Performance is not guaranteed. I can't even begin to tell you how bad it was. It was Lord of the flies in a building, and it was called Straight Incorporated.

[Cindy Ettler]

This is the story of Straight Incorporated, an experimental drug rehab for teenagers that infiltrated communities across the country in the 1980s during the height of the war on drugs, where kidnapping, brainwashing, and torture were disguised as therapy. It's the origin story of the troubled teen industry, which continues to profit from the desperation of parents and the vulnerability of their children. And its roots can be traced back to a cult called Synanon. How do I know this? Because I lived through it. My name is Cindy Ettler, and this is season two of the Sunshine Place list to and follow the Sunshine Place an Odyssey original podcast in association with Robert Downey Jr. And Susan Downey. Available now on the free Odyssey app and wherever you get your podcasts.

[David Spade]

Bet. Mgm. Dana. I bet. I don't know if you do. I bet. Listen. Bet mgm. It's at betmgm. Just so you know, that's what the kids are doing. That's what they do. Everything. It's the sportsbook Born in Vegas. We have a second chance on first touchdown score, folks. All season long Bet MGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown Bet. When a customer places a wager on a first touchdown score bet and he does not score first but scores second. We will return 100% of your stake back in cash. Do you get it? Do you get how good that is?

[Dana Carvey]

I'll do it as Joe Biden. Come on, go. By the way, and guess what? Here's the deal. I'm not kidding around. This isn't rocket science. Bet mgm. There's a beta MGM and faster ever. Bet mgm. Boom.

[David Spade]

Rake in the cash after.

[Dana Carvey]

As Christopher Walken would say, bet MGM is the way to go. Thank you, Christopher.

[David Spade]

BetMGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. BETMGM and Game sense remind you to gamble responsibly. See betmgm.com for terms 21+only. This U.S. promotional spot is not available in Ontario. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER available in the U.S. for New York, call 8778 Hope NY or text Hopeny. That's 467-369. For Arizona, call 1-800-Next Step for Massachusetts, 1-800-327-5050. Iowa, 1-800-Bets Off. For Puerto Rico, 1-800-981-0023. Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel. Oh, my mom also goes, go eat the cheese. No, she didn't say it. She goes, did you take a bite of what's out back? I go, no. She goes, oh, Davey, I can't believe you're leaving. I just got it in the mail. I go, sorry, I can't eat the food you just got in the mail. Whatever the that means. Oh, I just got it in the mail. It's ready. I go, what?

[Dana Carvey]

Your mom's podcast. Can we get her on this podcast?

[David Spade]

She goes, go eat it. I go out, there's crackers in a big circle of something of gunk. And I go, is it cheese? She goes, taste it. I go, just what am I getting into? Should I. Is it melted? Is it hot? Is it cold? I don't know. I go. So I go out there and it's honestly, I couldn't tell you. I dug in, it kind of broke the cracker. And I'm like. And I faked. And I went. And I go, not bad. Just a generic answer. She goes, right.

[Dana Carvey]

I know my, my mother in law was eating it's kind of a paste, but it's made from pigs feet. And this is not a joke. Not a joke. So I was trying to think of things that she would go, oh. And I go, yeah, they cockroach feet. They Take just the feet of a cockroach.

[David Spade]

Grind them up.

[Dana Carvey]

They grind them up and create kind of a jam or a peanut butter spread. She was like, oh, that sounds okay. And then they take the abdomen of the optimum.

[David Spade]

Yeah. What do they do?

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know. I just wanted to get a reaction, like, hey, you know. But, you know.

[David Spade]

And she's like, oh, interesting.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

You know. You know, I ran into. In a car in a parking lot in la, your doctor's nurse. And she got out and she goes, oh, you hit my quarter panel. I have to tell the doctor. I go, the doctor or the insurance? The doctor first.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, I called. I actually talked to her today about another thing. She said, she's so sweet. She goes, I was. The doctor prescribes me a thing where he has to talk to me twice a year. Like, still good. Are you all right? Nothing crazy. A common medication.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

So I noticed that he'd called me a couple weeks ago and just left a voicemail. I missed the call. So I told her today. I said, I missed the call from. From doctor. From the doctor. And she. She said, lily, oh, but you were supposed to talk to the doctor. And I go, I know, but I missed the call. So I didn't. Oh, so you didn't talk to the doctor. I'm going to have to make another appointment. When are you available? It went on and on.

[David Spade]

It's a real conundrum. She doesn't know what to do with those.

[Dana Carvey]

She wants to do a good job. Yeah.

[David Spade]

And she doesn't want to get shit canned.

[Dana Carvey]

Then I said, I'm doing a thing called Superfly with David Spade. Oh, David Spade. I remember him from the movie Dicky Roberts. And I go, that sure was a funny movie. And she goes, oh, it made me laugh so hard. Crickets for Dickie Roberts.

[David Spade]

No, someone's trying to call me.

[Dana Carvey]

I thought you had some. Some kind of sound effects.

[David Spade]

Heather, come back and get Dana on here. I can't find them.

[Dana Carvey]

I just.

[David Spade]

Yeah, this happened the other day. What am I supposed to do? Oh, go to that. Also, Heather's got something to show you. I send out to Greg that thing. I'll show him. What? You made one thing. Oh, my book. No. Really? Yeah. You want to. I think it's interesting.

[Dana Carvey]

Heather has a book and no one told me.

[David Spade]

Oh, my mom had too many dogs at Thanksgiving dinner where she had her dogs and my brother had two dogs. And so they're all circling under the table like sharks, you know, and they're kind of nipping and biting. I don't realize. My mom's feeding her whole turkey, whole dinner to them under the table. So once they get fed, they're like, tangled up my legs. I'm like, hey, beat it. You know, I don't want to sound mean. I love dogs, but give us eight minutes where the dogs aren't barking at each other and doing territorial games and biting.

[Dana Carvey]

Here's a mic drop on this one. So metaphorical cigars. So I'm in the White House having dinner. My wife and I, with George Senior, the President of the United States at the time, and his wife Barbara and the dog Ranger kept coming around looking for food. So I was kind of sneaking some food to the dog, and then at one point, the president said, don't. Don't feed the dog. And I literally said, yes, sir, I won't. But I didn't know. Is the dog so cute?

[David Spade]

It's like, yeah, they like it. Then you leave, and now they're. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

And then they're not your friend.

[David Spade]

Also, before we get this next subject. Did you send it in? Okay, we have. We did. I don't know if you read, but Hunter Biden, your guy Joe Biden has a son named Hunter, and he got left Flood free. Pardon. Did he start jail yet or not? He hasn't started yet.

[Dana Carvey]

No. He never. He's not going to jail. He was. Pardon.

[David Spade]

But was he about to.

[Dana Carvey]

Maybe it was a. He had the trial, and then it. The legal system takes so long. I mean, it. You know, it's. But. But it was potential that he might. So as a. As a good dad. Pardons are here.

[David Spade]

Yeah. And, you know, Hunter was like, I didn't do one thing. I don't even know what they're talking about. This is so nuts. Literally. I did not. Nothing I don't get. And he goes, I saw those 75 videos, dad. That's so funny. That's AI. That's a. I.

[Dana Carvey]

When I was doing stand up here and there, there were no comedy clubs. Not like when you started in San Francisco. I would still do the Nixon. I would say Richard Nixon was seen in a shopping mall elbowing people intentionally and then saying, pardon me. And that was the whole bit, because he was famously. That's not.

[David Spade]

He pardoned a lot of people, right?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, he got pardoned by Gerald Ford.

[David Spade]

For the water gun. They say people like Clinton, probably Trump to. Who knows that they just. They just have a laundry list when they leave. That's like.

[Dana Carvey]

But a great thing to do. Had a good joke last night. Robert Smogel was telling me it was sort of like the pardon goes back for 10 years. So anything Hunter Biden has done since 2014 is expunged. If there's anything. And then he goes to his dad after the pardon. You know, I think maybe just do it through New Year's because he's planning on maybe having a big party or something. Dad, could you extend it forward like 10 days?

[David Spade]

But I think that 10 years covers Joe Biden, too.

[Dana Carvey]

No, Come on. I'm not getting around here.

[David Spade]

And furthermore.

[Dana Carvey]

Furthermore, Let me be clear what the people are saying. This isn't rocket science. Let's get serious. I'm not kidding around here. And by the way, guess what? Yeah, that's all I. That's all. I have five catchphrases. I repeat them every Saturday night. We'll see what I do tomorrow night.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah. It is tomorrow. Finally. Finally, we got it right.

[Dana Carvey]

Excuse me.

[David Spade]

Excuse me, sir. Who's the host? Go. I know.

[Dana Carvey]

Paul Mescal.

[David Spade]

No, Paul. Paul Mescal.

[Dana Carvey]

Or it's Mescale. Paul Mescal. And Gracie Abrams is the musical guest. Who is J.J. abrams? The famous director, movie producer's daughter.

[David Spade]

No way.

[Dana Carvey]

Way.

[David Spade]

I didn't know you said it. Was this guy's girlfriend around together?

[Dana Carvey]

Girlfriend says Mezcal. Oh, Mezcal.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's his girlfriend, dummy. You gotta wake up. You gotta know what's going on.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, really? Is that the connection? Are you serious?

[David Spade]

Starting to get it.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, well, well. We like ourselves, don't we? We made a fun one. We feel just a little bit superior.

[David Spade]

Well, it's not special who got who into the show. Did they get her? And she said, I want the dude.

[Dana Carvey]

But let's wind back this for a second. So they're literally dating. He. So one got.

[David Spade]

And then.

[Dana Carvey]

And then. Could my boyfriend be in or could my girlfriend be.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's what I'm asking you. Which one did what?

[Dana Carvey]

Plot thickening. I'm gonna. I'm gonna do a deep dive on this and get back to you on the next Super Fly.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Come up with some blabbing and yapping.

[Dana Carvey]

I kind of. I think I'm kind of getting in a church lady mood. I kind of feel like she's got to come back, you know?

[David Spade]

You could do it.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, well, Mr. P. Mr. P. Diddy.

[David Spade]

We like.

[Dana Carvey]

We like lotions and oils.

[David Spade]

Do they do any Puff Daddy stuff on there?

[Dana Carvey]

Not that I. Maybe update jokes, but not. Not a church lady grilling and spanking.

[David Spade]

Okay, let's show. Heather made this is what I was getting at. Oh, she made over the last couple years, one year, this whole thing. This is miniature, right?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

How high is it? It's called a book nook. It goes in between your book. It's a book nook. It goes in between your books.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow.

[David Spade]

And she has.

[Dana Carvey]

That looks like a movie set.

[David Spade]

Yeah. It's unreal. I had to hand glue and cut out and glue every single finger. She had to hand glue. She had to cut those little pieces of paper. She had to glue them, open them.

[Dana Carvey]

Was she following a guide? How did she know how to make a little tiny chair?

[David Spade]

Look at inkwell. Oh, yeah. It was a book with pictures, but it was foreign or something she couldn't understand.

[Dana Carvey]

Please tell me you did bts. Oh.

[David Spade]

Oh, you get a piece of wood. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

What kind of mind thinks of this?

[David Spade]

You couldn't do it, Dana.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I would wonder when Heather finally said, huh, I'm going to make a little miniature bookshelf thing.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

It would take me seven years and I'll spend.

[David Spade]

It took one year. One year, but it is a lot of work. All right, let's get to the news before we. Before you have to give me all your stuff. What's the first headline news?

[Dana Carvey]

Here we go. What's going on in America?

[David Spade]

What's the haps? And we just talk about it.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, There we go.

[David Spade]

Oh, this is the kid that trashed Walmart. What would you. Okay, how about this situation? You're in Walmart. Someone's trashing it. Here, play the video. What do you do? No, I don't see the parents. Oh, do you say anything?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, you. You just go and stop her immediately. First thing you do is grab her.

[David Spade]

Everyone's saying, don't stop her. Don't touch her.

[Dana Carvey]

Don't do anything because the parents aren't there.

[David Spade]

I don't know where they are. Then she starts breaking jars. Now this woman saying, don't even record her.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, there you go. Finally, you just have to kind of gently hold her. Are those her parents grabbing her?

[David Spade]

I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

I thought you just have to kind of stop her. It's called a tantrum, David. You know, you know a thing or two about that. Your mom and I talked.

[David Spade]

I threw the worst fucking.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't like my breakfast, dude.

[David Spade]

When I grew up, I throw tantrums in my house and I can get away with it. If I did this store, it would be. I would get hit by not even anyone I knew. Someone would just hit me and everyone would applaud because Back then, I think you had discipline. Other people's kids. I think everyone's pretty cool. Because if you're going that crazy, well.

[Dana Carvey]

You just have to. First thing you do is just got to stop them.

[David Spade]

It's got to stop. It would make me crazy to watch that.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, yeah. It just. You just have to kind of gently stop her from doing it. If you're not the parent, but you got to stop them. That's my opinion. I know. It's a hot take.

[David Spade]

It's a hot take. Would you do it if you were in Walmart?

[Dana Carvey]

Throw things around? Like, no.

[David Spade]

Would you do the one tackling I wouldn't tackle?

[Dana Carvey]

I don't think you'd have to tackle it.

[David Spade]

You keep saying gentle and I'm like, so you tackle.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, well, she looked like maybe a 50 pound little girl, kind of. So, I mean, it might be rough stuff for you, but you know, I work out a lot, so I could.

[David Spade]

Fight someone that weight. 50 to 70. That's my weight class. 50 to 70.

[Dana Carvey]

I would gently have gotten down and I would have. I would have said, let's throw something together. And so I would throw like a roast turkey and I. And then I would say to her, you know, you. I owe you an ice cream. Let's go to a Woolworths.

[David Spade]

Woolworth, remember?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, Rite Aid has them sometimes too. There's random. Like suddenly there's an ice cream store right next to the fire.

[David Spade]

Yeah, it's so weird. I've seen that. And then the cashier has to walk over and they're like, hey, do you have cookies and cream? I'm like, I gotta go.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, can't they have a part time employee over there? Like, okay, your line of 40 people. I'll see you in three minutes. I'm gonna do two double scoops over here for a second. No wonder they're going bankrupt. It's not the smash and grabs, it's inefficiency. Good lord, get with the program.

[David Spade]

Next one. Get with the program. Okay. Oh, okay. What is your take on this? So DiCaprio is staying at a hotel in Bali or something. He is checking out the staff alerts everyone. So they're all waiting for him in the lobby. Any isis? All of them. Almighty isis. There, go. I think that's his. Maybe this girl. So he fakes on the phone and a song.

[Dana Carvey]

How does. Oh my God.

[David Spade]

How embarrassed for him. Yeah. Oh, is it a traditional reception they do?

[Dana Carvey]

I bet it's a tradition for everybody who walks through there.

[David Spade]

They're like, he's gone. And we're not even through the first verse.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, maybe they all watch Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. He was really good in that.

[David Spade]

Well, they all know him. They're probably just saying, like, hey, can you play along? What do you do, Dana? You goof around with those people?

[Dana Carvey]

I'm a little codependent because I'm mostly a homebody. I'm not out at airports all the time. But I did get. I think I talked about this. I came off the last flight from New York at LAX and there was a big smiling gang of people with all the bobbleheads. And what they do is. And again, I just said, the thing is. Okay, can I. Is there a time I can do where I'm presenting well, for the luck I've had in life. And there's a time when you feel like you're being used. Like in the olden days, you'd have like an 8 year old come up and say, I loved Wayne's World. Could I have an autograph? You know, and this was you? I was. I'm a bit older than you and I remember signing the autograph for you. But. But now it's become commerce in a business. But in that case, with Leo being a global superstar, you either kind of settle in for a half hour if you're going to start doing pictures 45 minutes, or you just walk by. I'd like to hear from you, Mr. Spade.

[David Spade]

Well, I do understand the people at the airport don't understand why I don't like them. And it's because I like fans. They aren't fans. They're never happy if you stop signing. And basically I say to them, listen, we're in a business together that I don't want to be in. I'm 50% of a business I don't want to be in. You're like, I went and bought this and I drove. I secretly found out your flight number and your frequent flyer number. So I know where you are at all times. So I show up here in your hotel, which is horrible, drives me nuts. And then I come on down here, so you owe me to sign it. That's your part of the deal. And then I go sell it, make the money. I go, I don't want my part. And they're. They're discombobulated. Well, that's why there's going to be a fight one day because these guys get. This guy was yelling you to me because I didn't sign enough. And he goes, you're just standing there. I'm like, this isn't my job. I don't care if you sell that or not. What are we doing here? So, but with DiCaprio when I leave, I would be like, yada. I would goof around with him a little bit. I, you know, you don't want to probably get stuck with a half hour pictures if you're going to your flight, but you wave and say thanks and say, yeah, hey, I'm taking off or something. I would think. Now he's a big star. He's sort of known for being quiet. I'm known for being loud.

[Dana Carvey]

We don't know what here. What we don't really know is the context of the video. Now, he may have stayed there, my words, not yours, for a week and a half and came doing some kind of movie or commercial. These big movie stars do, overseas stars. So every time he went through, they played that music. And this was the 13th time. Oh, yeah, it just went like that. But I will say it's a numbers game like Taylor Swift would have. Excuse me, Taylor. Pardon me, but there's 76,000 people outside that would like a picture with you. So that's an easy one. You got to go underground or overground.

[David Spade]

I've seen apartments in New York where they line up on both sides like Taylor, and they get from the car and they just walk straight in and they all scream. But you know, how much does she owe them at that point? She's trying to get. She's got to do that all day, get in and out.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, you can't win. I mean, even in my little town, tiny world, if there's 20 people there, they'll just show me. And they look, you can. They're beat up, hanging there for hours. They show me a panel. It's got eight little plastic squares.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, that's for fun.

[Dana Carvey]

And they tell me it's either a buck 50 or 250 if I just go like that. And so that's $10 a panel. I might be able to feed my family. So you just, you know.

[David Spade]

You know, they tell me I do one pick. Which one? They go, okay, this Ben swimmers jersey. So I signed that. And they go, and what about this? I came all the way here. I go, I just said one. Pick that one. Then you should have picked that one. Then he goes, my daughter loves it, and she is your biggest fan. And she's holding a funko like this. And I go, all right. I go, what movies do you like, little girl? And she goes, who the are you? Okay, they don't know. They just grab someone and go tell this. You don't sign it. He's not gonna ask anything, I guess. Yeah, she got her eyes messed up. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Poor thing. You know, I mean, it's just sign this shit.

[David Spade]

This guy's going to buy me a snow cone.

[Dana Carvey]

That's the thing is I just go. And then the first time I sign it's a beautiful D, A, N, A. And by the hundredth one, it's like. It's just. But what I did, this is what I did. And it's going to get worse if I say this, but it's out there because I was just got bored signing things. So they. I started doing a little quick drawing of Garth. So I do Garth. And then people started to bring drum, drum, a tom, tom drum top. So. Hey, can I get a picture of Garth? So I start drawing these abstract pictures of Garth. You can see the glasses, the hair. And so those are big. And then once in a while you. I'll see what your doppelanger is. I don't know if that's the right word. I'll see something. And they've got Mike, you know, it's like a Wayne's World Rolling Stone. And then, and then they have Garth now. So that's like a big thing.

[David Spade]

It's worth more.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. So you would get that with.

[David Spade]

I get that with. If they have almost, almost a finished bench warmers with. Yeah, those guys. Grown Ups poster, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, that stuff. If, if you get everybody. And I get baseballs too. What, what are we doing with the baseball? Why is David Spade signing baseball? I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know. No, I get the start. The cap men wear in water polo. I get those and I go, what's the connection here, guys? I'm not in the Olympic team.

[David Spade]

I just get jock straps. I get.

[Dana Carvey]

Just sign it so I can have dinner.

[David Spade]

Yeah, no, at the beginning I do a perfect D, perfect cursor. By the end, it's just a liquid fart. I go all over the thing.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, liquid fart. You top my sloppy writing.

[David Spade]

God damn. I hit this and yank my thing.

[Dana Carvey]

Anyway, I'll just say it.

[David Spade]

Next one. Anyway, Dana. Great guy. All right, this is masterclass. Dana. And this is a gift that is really like an interesting thing to give someone because unique gifts are where it's at last a lifetime. You can't do better than masterclass. I mean, first of all, you learn from the best, obviously. They have what, 200 plus of the world's best. That's why wire cutter calls it an invaluable gift because it is. Learn from any master class instructor anywhere. On your phone, on a computer, on your tv. I'm just looking again. Of course. Steve Martin. We love basically a private teacher. Helen Mirren, Penn and Teller. If you like magic. There's so many.

[Dana Carvey]

That would be cool. I didn't know they were on. That's a great one. I love to learn some magic from them. Yeah.

[David Spade]

Ken Burns for documentaries.

[Dana Carvey]

How to do a documentary.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Fantastic.

[David Spade]

They have so many good. I mean even Mariah Carey. And it's just so many, so many people. She got Amy Poehler. She does improv. How to overcome your fears. People always ask about improv and yeah, it is tough but you can learn some tricks.

[Dana Carvey]

How to turn your passions into out achievements.

[David Spade]

Oh yeah, listen. Yeah, I think, well, I use this. I know you've done it. And 88% of members feel that Masterclass has made a positive impact on their lives. I agree with that.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh absolutely. Yeah, it's a great thing. You should really give it as a gift because it's so user friendly. Little bite sized videos, really clear and clean and they take you through the whole class.

[David Spade]

It's not like your boy Steph Curry.

[Dana Carvey]

Steph Curry?

[David Spade]

Curry's on there.

[Dana Carvey]

I like to shoot like him. Yeah.

[David Spade]

Shoot from half court and don't look. No risk. Every membership comes a 30 day money back guarantee. This is great. Masterclass has great offers during the holidays. They always do. Sometimes they offer as much as 50% off. Head over to masterclass.com fly for the current offer. That's 50% [e-mail] fly masterclass.com fly Blue Nile. Dana, I don't have to tell you about Blue Nile. I do not. You're the one guy I don't have to tell about Blue now. But I will. Yeah, Blue Nile, you will. This is the time of year Blue Nile blows up the hardest. Because if you're looking back at your amazing memories from 2024, maybe you're in love, maybe you're looking at 2025. What are your plans? Maybe they involve getting engaged. Right. You're making a big step. You can source your engagement ring from.

[Dana Carvey]

Blue Nile.com Blue Nile. Why do all the work when Blue Nile will do it for you? Do you know David, Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999. Did you know that?

[David Spade]

I actually recall that. But do you know, Dana, the only time we say each other's names is during these.

[Dana Carvey]

Right? That's what's funny.

[David Spade]

They offer a diamond price guarantee, which means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. And you can feel great about the purchase because you got a great one and you got it for less.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. The thing about Blue Nile, David, they're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. So you can feel great about that, too.

[David Spade]

Yeah, there's. Jewelry is a tough word. I don't know. It is.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Blue Nile orders are insured and they arrive incognito, you know, so you don't have to worry about that. They got guaranteed service and repairs for life, guaranteed free shipping and return. I mean, there's so much going on there.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. And you know, you're going to want to hear things. There's things you want to hear in life after your other significant other opens up their incredible Blue Nile gift. Oh, honey, you shouldn't have. Oh, I love you, honey. This is beautiful, honey. Where did you get it? Bob's jewelry store? No, Blue Nile.

[David Spade]

Blue Nile. Oh, honey, it's so bright and blinding.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, this is. Come on.

[David Spade]

One more unforgettable memory for 2024. Right now, go to blue nile.com. use code FLY for 50 bucks off your purchase of $500 or more.

[Dana Carvey]

That's $50 off with code [e-mail] Bluenile.com.

[David Spade]

Our next one is Fracture. Dana, let's just. We're going to fracture. We're going to go through this. So every year, Dana, I think this is it. This is the holiday I killed at gift giving. And then somehow you get socks. I send you socks.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, David, socks. That's basically a cry for help wrapped in cheap cotton. Partner, this year you're leveling it up with the no fail jaw dropping gift everyone will love. Wait for it. Fracture.

[David Spade]

Fracture. That sounds something like I did to my ego in the 90s with when I read reviews. What is it?

[Dana Carvey]

It's genius Fracture. No, listen, listen, listen. All kidding aside, listen for a sec. I'm not joking. Fracture takes your favorite photos, like that one of you rocking the mullet, and brings them directly on sleek, modern glass. Hear me out. Hear me out. The colors are so vibrant, so stunning. It's like your David Hollywood memories all aglow.

[David Spade]

So any photos of me with the mullet on that lives in glory? That's like a hall of fame. I'll take that.

[Dana Carvey]

Exactly. You're starting to get it. Single prints, gallery wall frame, frameless. They've got it all I'm telling you, I'm here to tell you, David, just upload your photo and boom, you're gifting like a pro. There's no effort required. That's good for you. Which is perfect.

[David Spade]

So I don't need a toolbox because I have one screwdriver in the house.

[Dana Carvey]

And then you have one screwdriver right before dinner.

[David Spade]

It's a slippery snurple.

[Dana Carvey]

No, you don't have to lift a finger. They come ready to hang. No hammers, no extra holes in the wall. Just sleek, stunning glass prints that make people gasp. Even Aunt Barb. And she's a tough crowd.

[David Spade]

Barb. All right, I love it. So this year, no socks, no oven, it's no candles, just fracture.

[Dana Carvey]

Thoughtful, personable, unforgettable. Fracture is. I'm going to just say this. Whatever people think, it's the no fail makes you a holiday.

[David Spade]

We both said no failure.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, no fail. We're just going out on a no fail limb.

[David Spade]

All right, well, finally my mullet saves Christmas. What's the kicker?

[Dana Carvey]

You get 30% [e-mail] with code fly fracture. Making bad gifters great scents whenever they started. All right, here we go. This year old girl decided to something.

[David Spade]

A balloon release a balloon. Oh, this is an interesting story. Okay, the true story. This girl releases a balloon, puts her name, writes a note like we all of us little girls do. Go ahead.

[Heather]

Nine year old girl decided to release a balloon one day with her name and address on a note. Apparently this to help her find a pen pal. But although they figured that nothing would come out of it, what happened next just blew everyone's mind. Okay, you see, around a week after Laura Buxton released her balloon, she suddenly got a letter from Laura Buxton. As it turns out, after floating for more than 400 miles across England, her balloon had just landed in some random guy's backyard. But right as this guy was about to toss it out, he suddenly recognized the name somehow. He actually just so happened to have a neighbor named Laura Buxton. So he simply tried returning the balloon to her. But since she had never even seen this balloon before, she was really confused. And when this Laura Buxton finally wrote back to the address on the note, something absolutely crazy was discovered. You see, not only were these two girls both Laura Buxton, they had the exact same eye color, age and built. They also owned the exact same pets. A gray rabbit, guinea pig with a mark, and a three year old black lab. On top of that, when these two girls met for the first time, they somehow both Wore jeans with pink sweaters and brought. Their twins were even the exact same height of 4 foot 7, which was really tall for their age. They ended up becoming close friends and still are to this day. And Snopes actually verified that all these details really are true.

[David Spade]

They both hated Dana Carby.

[Dana Carvey]

I would say their twins separated at birth. Or that was too many. Too many coincidences. What's this, Snopes? What. What do we have to believe about?

[David Spade]

Who the believes that? I know what that is. Yeah. What is that?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Who knows what's real or not real?

[David Spade]

But I believe every. Literally everything on Tick Tock Concern. I go, oh, my God. Next one. Oh, my God. That's what they want. I'm a good customer.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, well, I'm not saying you're gullible, but I'm saying you might be a little impressionable or easy to convince. I don't want to get into.

[David Spade]

They have to get you in two seconds. So they go, this is the craziest thing I've ever heard my whole entire life. And then you stay. And they go, let me back up. I was born. And then you go. Then they want to keep you on for as long as you can stand it.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. See, we're not. We don't harbor in that kind of stuff. Maybe because we went to state school on this podcast with, like, teaser bylines and controversies, and guess what David Spade says.

[David Spade]

Yeah, we.

[Dana Carvey]

We just kind of start yapping and hope for the numbers.

[David Spade]

I just put up a Tick Tock and it bombed. All right, so, okay, we'll go to the next one. That was just sort of a human interest story.

[Dana Carvey]

I thought it was sweet. Really?

[David Spade]

Oh, this is classic. Dude.

[Dana Carvey]

Man senses families, $550,000 savings to a streamer. So she would call him bro.

[David Spade]

Now, talk about sounding fucking dumb and fake. And look at this, bro. That's not the real guy, bro.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, what would she. Would she call him bro for 100,000 or how did he.

[David Spade]

I mean, I would.

[Dana Carvey]

50. How about $5,000 to call me and.

[David Spade]

Say, bro, come meet me at the airport like they do and give me a little taste, you know, Wet the beak. I'll say, bro. I'll say.

[Dana Carvey]

So she turned down 540,000. Get the.

[David Spade]

I gave you the number. It's 550. So, anyway, how'd you like to be the family? Where's her 550?

[Dana Carvey]

I just wanted to hear her call me bro.

[David Spade]

Yeah, something's wrong. Financially ruined the family, and they're surviving on plain buns.

[Dana Carvey]

What Are the odds that the person or the entity that called him was not an AI? So he just gave over a half million to an AI?

[David Spade]

Oh, that would be worse. At least he's really buttering up this girl. But some of these girls make so much money. I mean, they fart in a jar. I don't want to grocery out. But there's just things they do and it just makes money. And we're sitting here busting our humps.

[Dana Carvey]

I've always said it just watch the technology. The technology begets the behavior. I mean, the world's first telegraph. The first message was Kansas City, we need food. The second message was Kansas City. What's your name? What are you wearing? Touch yourself. That was it.

[David Spade]

I mean, touch yourself, Dana. That's a little risky.

[Dana Carvey]

That's a little touchy for me.

[David Spade]

No, I think it's a little frisky.

[Dana Carvey]

This is a longer bit. I'll just do the first part. But it was a flight of fancy in my head that. What was the world's first phone sex? Because phones, when they came into the home, I was really like, operator, get me line off all seven. You know, those little old fashioned phones. The world's first phone sec sex would have been awkward because they wouldn't know. So it's like.

[David Spade]

Hello?

[Dana Carvey]

Hello, mom, it's Pa. Pa? What are you calling me for? I got 10 kids, I gotta make dinner. What are you doing? Well, mom was down at the five and Diamond. I saw a lady mannequin wearing nothing but her under things. And. And it got a fella thinking. Ma, what are you yappering about for? What do you mean what you were thinking? Well, ma, I wondered what kind of paneloons you're wearing today.

[David Spade]

Pantaloon.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, if you must know, I'm wearing my Carter spanky briefs. Oh, I was hoping you'd wear those category print pantaloons I got you in Dodge City last year. And that's part of the bit. I don't want to do that.

[David Spade]

I like it. Kept going. Dodge City. She went, he went all the way to DOD sitting flannel pantaloons.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, and she gets on her high.

[David Spade]

Horse and then she wasn't really going with it.

[Dana Carvey]

Paul, did you have a 5 cent beer? Because you sound drunk no more. I had a 2 cent beer. I'm not drunk.

[David Spade]

I got an old school boner. And don't yell at me about it.

[Dana Carvey]

So anyway, that's that. That kind of stuff. So. But long story short, today in the digital world, women and men, but especially women and with Only fans are able to monetize how men are just sort of helpless, helpless fools.

[David Spade]

Men are the worst. I mean, my God, who's worse? The one.

[Dana Carvey]

Greasy, stupid fools. Horny, greasy, stupid. And willing to depart with cash.

[David Spade]

No joke, dude. My God.

[Dana Carvey]

Joke. I'm not getting around here.

[David Spade]

Lean in.

[Dana Carvey]

Set me up. Set me up with my Joey. With my Joey.

[David Spade]

Katie used to say, no joke. That's right.

[Dana Carvey]

I want to challenge you. Okay, so Carson, Johnny Carson's alive today and he's going to do a monologue joke about Hunter Biden being pardoned. Okay, go.

[David Spade]

Oh, we need one. Yeah, I don't know. Did you read this today, Ed? I don't know if you read this. Hunter Biden, the one who was having sex with his brother's wife, he's got himself in. In a bit of a pickle.

[Dana Carvey]

I heard.

[David Spade]

I heard a rumor.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, okay.

[David Spade]

Someone got into his diary and found all sorts of unsavory things.

[Dana Carvey]

And so apparently Hunter Biden gets. Got pardoned by his father. And it was quite controversial because apparently he was under the charges of being drunk and holding a gun on a Saturday and shooting it off in the neighborhood. Obviously it was just another night with Ed.

[David Spade]

Don Rickles over there and said, shoot me and I'll eat a cookie.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ed's in the corner. You know Ed. The show started half hour ago. Give him a cookie, pack him in ice and put them. And put them in a home.

[David Spade]

I like pack them in ice.

[Dana Carvey]

Pack them in ice. Hello. The show started. Oh, Frank Sinatra Baboons. He called. No, I love Rickles, but Johnny, Johnny Carson. What's.

[David Spade]

I can't think of a good one.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. That's a hard one. What's a news story? Heather? Greg?

[David Spade]

Nobody. Oh, no, Any news story. Oh, she said alien stories are all over Instagram and TikTok. But they don't talk about the abductions as much. They used to. It's more just sightings, which is a valid point. Conspiracy. Reasons behind. But I think they do have. When people disappear, I think a lot of it's. I think we have a deal with the aliens where we give them some and they give us some technology. There, I said it.

[Dana Carvey]

The last time I saw something that really looked truly alien was Bill the plumber fixing the faucet. And that crack was as long as an alien spaceship.

[David Spade]

Longer than San Andreas.

[Dana Carvey]

I dated a woman named Shane Andreas a while back and she said everything wasn't her fault.

[David Spade]

Yo, it's not bad.

[Dana Carvey]

I actually came up with a joke.

[David Spade]

God, Damn. We just stumbled into one. All right, let's do one more. Is there anything.

[Dana Carvey]

One more.

[David Spade]

Wrap this extravagant. Dana, lay down this Lalapaloo stuff. This is cute. This is the world's first horse mixed with something else. Let's see it.

[Greg]

Do you think this is mortally ethical? There's a ranch in Casper, Wyoming. I almost said Laramie. Sorry. Laramie.

[David Spade]

It's beautiful. Wyoming.

[Greg]

They hybrided this animal between two different animal species, and I want to see if you can guess which two animal species you think it is. So the first obvious is a horse.

[David Spade]

I got the horse.

[Dana Carvey]

Good job.

[Greg]

So its mother was a horse. Of course, they were surprised that it came out looking fair like a horse, given who its father was. Now let's see if you can guess who the father. A giraffe. Yep. They did breed it with the giraffe, and not much came out from the giraffe besides two things. One is the neck. Is it longer than the average horse? You can, you know, you can measure it right here. It definitely is longer. But second, pretty obvious. The pattern.

[Dana Carvey]

Good.

[David Spade]

Right? The draft pattern.

[Greg]

It's a little bit different, but it is beautiful. They're starting to sell them. They're very expensive. They're almost a million dollars a pop. But are we. Are we messing around with nature too much, or am I just being too sensitive?

[David Spade]

Yeah, we're messing around too much.

[Dana Carvey]

What? Yeah, it's a little weird. Yeah, it's very weird. You hear that, Ed? They. What they did was they got a giraffe to make whoopi with a. With a horse. And. And the only thing that came out was the horse could not reach the apple in the tree. Was frustrated that his neck wasn't longer. Sorry. It's been a long day. I drove three and a half hours. I apologize to our audience.

[David Spade]

Did that horse's neck really look longer? No.

[Dana Carvey]

No, it didn't. And it wasn't bread with.

[David Spade]

Oh, gross.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, it wasn't bred with a giraffe, and it wasn't. It wasn't. No. It's all.

[David Spade]

Oh, listen to Dana's.

[Dana Carvey]

It's taken up. It's made up. They have.

[David Spade]

It's all made up.

[Dana Carvey]

They're truck and they're trending with fake news.

[David Spade]

I know some of it's fake story.

[Dana Carvey]

Most of our stories are made up on this.

[David Spade]

I was not a good enough one to end with. Let's do one more. Sorry. In case we have one more.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's. Yeah, let's do a closer. This is called the closer. Okay.

[David Spade]

Oh, this drives Me nuts. This is at our goddang mall. We go to Century City. What would you do, Heather? Oh, she was there for a smash and grab. She did nothing.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, you were. Okay.

[David Spade]

They were laughing and stealing everything. Now these guys in their motorcycles, just picture. Wouldn't that scare you? They're like running, you know?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. When they go, they come in numbers is sort of the threatening. Threatening motif.

[David Spade]

I mean, look at the guy that runs. Oh, I didn't see that. I don't like it. I just don't like that. I don't Crime.

[Dana Carvey]

No, that's like. It's a little bit like Clockwork Orange for the three people to get the reference.

[David Spade]

And it's too accepted. They're like, hey, you know, here's what you should do when you get robbed. Here's what you should do when they smash your store. It's like, how about we have them not do that? How. Why are. Why are the store owners the problem? Like, you should pay to get more. You should pay to get thicker glass. But no, how about arrest somebody instead of.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, because we went through this. I mean, we went through the lawless west where 20 cowboys would come in, shoot their guns, and everyone would cower. You know, we'll be back tomorrow, and I hope you have that bag of gold.

[David Spade]

Right. But then they'd fix them.

[Dana Carvey]

Then we went through law and order and stopped. Sir, Freeze. And all that stuff. And now we're right back to Wild, Wild west up there on motorcycles.

[David Spade]

I mean, God dang. It's just like everywhere you go, they're boarding up somewhere. Someone else lost their whole business.

[Dana Carvey]

You go, what would it sound like when they were boarding up?

[David Spade]

Hang on. What did you say?

[Dana Carvey]

What?

[David Spade]

Oh, we're gonna have to okay this. Okay, we got it. Oh, she's. She's gonna shoot hoops, try to hit this basket.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay.

[David Spade]

Okay, that's one. Three pointer for shot number two. We're gonna back. That was actually really perfect shot. Keep going. Back up. Okay, this is one shot. Shot number two. Okay, Dana. Shot number three. We're going back even further. Shot. I think it's real.

[Dana Carvey]

It looks good if it's fake.

[David Spade]

That's a tough one.

[Dana Carvey]

The trip.

[David Spade]

Look at that. She didn't even act like it was a big deal.

[Dana Carvey]

Chris Farley's sister. You see that? St. That's the triple. Well, if that's real, hats off. I'd say that that's. That's.

[David Spade]

That was a good one.

[Dana Carvey]

A lot of practice. She spends a lot of time doing.

[David Spade]

How many thousands of Takes in the thousands. What would it be?

[Dana Carvey]

It took two years to get that.

[David Spade]

Video for you to do it. How many years?

[Dana Carvey]

How long it take, Heather?

[David Spade]

What would be the hardest one? I would be Heather in the Dollhouse Times.

[Dana Carvey]

How long was the Dollhouse?

[David Spade]

A year.

[Dana Carvey]

It seemed like the Frisbee would be the one, but. Because she banked it.

[David Spade]

Yeah, you could do it on an angle, but still.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I would have to. You know, maybe it was an optical illusion, like the basket was, like, 8ft across or something.

[David Spade]

I bet I could do the football one first.

[Dana Carvey]

Amazing.

[David Spade]

Hit your cap off of the bottle round cashier football.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

I look like Gurwitz today. It's Prada. You like Prada? I have a shirt just like that, except mine's expensive. Hey, handsome.

[Dana Carvey]

And this is your guide through the lexicon that is show business.

[David Spade]

I see all your money's not going back into work wardrobe. Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, you hate money. That's okay. Some people like it.

[David Spade]

Dana likes it. Rob Lowe likes it. I said, I know. Rob loves every other billboard.

[Dana Carvey]

Good for.

[David Spade]

All right, we're trying to wait on this kick that Heather's sending. We might have to start with it next week because I went to the doctor today, Dana. So I'm feeling a little goosey still.

[Dana Carvey]

Are you feeling still, like, gave you a little. Little med or something?

[David Spade]

There's still a little w. They just checked. They just. I don't think it's a bad deal. They injected me with dye or something. Heroin. Yeah. And they said, but when they do it, you can't eat. Which I don't like. I have low blood sugar, so I don't like to not eat. So I go, I gotta get right in there and just do it. But they have to put the stickers on me, you know?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And they didn't make me take off my shirt. But of course, she goes up to my neck, under my shirt, like. Like, okay, where are your pecs? I'm like, you're close. Just stick.

[Dana Carvey]

Did they shave your chest?

[David Spade]

They shaved my pubes. For.

[Dana Carvey]

Even though they didn't put any electric thing down.

[David Spade]

I didn't want to make any waves. I just said, do what you got to do. And then they put. They put the stickers on, and they changed them. They weren't, like, perfect. They look at the monitor and go. They changed maybe 45 times. I kept going, have you guys done this before? What's going on? They're like, we just gotta get a good connection. It's like a car battery. They're like, nah, nah, Nah, I'm like. Because they kept going. Then you go in there, and then we inject your veins with dye. And I'm like, yeah, it feels very weird.

[Dana Carvey]

It's a little warm.

[David Spade]

Really warm.

[Dana Carvey]

Really warm. I didn't want to tell.

[David Spade]

Pulsating headache and a pup tent they said was not related.

[Dana Carvey]

So you got kind of turned. They injected you with Cialis. Yeah.

[David Spade]

I go, is there any Viagra? Let's go to gas station, grab a boner pill by the. I like when they're right by the cashier. You know when you go to.

[Dana Carvey]

I didn't notice that.

[David Spade]

And they go, herbal Viagra, huh? Rod for the road, maybe. Where are you going, Irvine? Maybe a little boner for no reason. I'm like, yeah, throw one in. Yeah, why not?

[Dana Carvey]

You're in a lot of quick stop gas station places. Yeah. With all kinds of synthetic brief jerky. How do you like it?

[David Spade]

It's four.

[Dana Carvey]

It's 4% actual beef. Beef jerky. It's synthetic.

[David Spade]

All right, I'll tell you more about stuff.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. I want to know what's going on. I want to know what the results of the test was.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, me too. I'll read them live on the air like Maury. I know. That's awesome. David makes the shot clip. Oh, no, we don't. This is me making a shot kicking a Tito's bottle when I was on lights out. One try. One try. My girl's going wild hat. Chris Rock and I did a gig. That's our.

[Dana Carvey]

But did it go somewhere or. You just kicked. Oh, you just kicked it off.

[David Spade]

This is, like, for charity. I did a thing where I could do a spin kick and kick off the little top of a Tito's bottle.

[Dana Carvey]

Did you need to. Have to ice down after that low stance and the physical.

[David Spade]

I'll show it again, actually. Let's show it again. Ready? Oh, God, it starts too fast. You can't even get your bearings. H. Dude, I have those exact same shoes on right now. That's me going.

[Dana Carvey]

Mustache is pretty meager. I mean, meager.

[David Spade]

It's wispy.

[Dana Carvey]

Mustache is a little.

[David Spade]

Yeah, a little light, but I pulled my hamstring, my quad, my thorax.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's bring lights out back. That was a fun show.

[David Spade]

It was fun. We might.

[Dana Carvey]

But next time, don't call a show lights out because. Good night, Mr. Spade. And don't. It's like calling a show canceled.

[David Spade]

You know, I might have my new haircut next week. I'll tell you. I'll let you know.

[Dana Carvey]

Are you really? You're not serious about that? You're not?

[David Spade]

I'm trying. I think I'm cutting the side from, like, here off.

[Dana Carvey]

What do you mean? Like, getting it back. So you'll have a little bit of, like, a crew cut, Just stubble around your ear. I think I've seen that style, but not on anyone over 30 years old. Well, you could do it if you're.

[David Spade]

A pop star, but no, Dana, I'll tell you, it's gonna be great. All right, I gotta go. I got so many things going. All this dye in me. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Super Fly, as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.

[Dana Carvey]

Mmm.