SUPERFLY #49 - Give Us Your Location

Summary

Superfly #49 - Give Us Your Location

Release Date: January 3, 2025

Presented by Audacy, "Superfly" is a segment of the popular podcast "Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade." In this episode, titled "Give Us Your Location," Dana Carvey and guest Stephen Greer dive into a myriad of topics ranging from current events and technological concerns to personal anecdotes and comedic sketches. Their chemistry and sharp wit ensure an engaging and entertaining listen for both regular followers and newcomers alike.

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1. California's Homelessness Crisis and Budget Mismanagement

Dana Carvey opens the conversation by expressing frustration over California's handling of funds allocated for homelessness. She highlights the inefficiency and questionable spending practices, emphasizing the increasing number of homeless individuals despite significant budget allocations.

• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Carvey [19:41]: "They keep asking for money for homeless. Fine. I used to vote for that. But now the last 24 billion that's gone, unaccounted for, they can't figure out what they spend on."
  • Stephen Greer [21:05]: "It's like the homeless getting worse, increased. So if it's not that, it's not. It's not the same. It's 24 billion and it's going up. I'm gonna call it weird."

2. UFOs, Drones, and Conspiracy Theories

The duo transitions into a discussion about Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs) and drones, blending conspiracy theories with humor. They speculate on the origins and purposes of these sightings, suggesting that many UFOs might simply be weather balloons or drones misidentified by the public.

• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Carvey [03:38]: "There's something to it because as we'll show when we get into stories, there's a map. We have to show where the UFOs and drone."
  • Stephen Greer [03:46]: "I was at the airport, I ended up next to the guy and he went on and on and on about these UFOs and I said, would you stop droning on?"

3. The Perils of Social Media and Location Tracking

Dana and Stephen humorously critique the ubiquitous nature of location tracking in modern technology. They lament how apps incessantly request precise locations, questioning the necessity and privacy implications of such practices.

• Notable Quote:
  • Stephen Greer [41:43]: "Can we have your location, allow it or not?"
  • Dana Carvey [42:18]: "They get what they want. But you want to make your life easy. Just say yes to everything."

4. Personal Anecdotes: The Car Accident Story

Stephen shares a personal story involving a minor car accident with Dana, leading to an unexpected encounter with a celebrity neighbor. The narrative is laced with comedic twists, showcasing their ability to turn everyday mishaps into humorous tales.

• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Carvey [25:08]: "Could you see any damage yourself?"
  • Stephen Greer [25:11]: "No, no, to mine was a little on the license plate, but to his, nothing."

5. Exploring OnlyFans and Comedy Integration

The conversation shifts to the evolving landscape of platforms like OnlyFans, discussing their potential beyond explicit content. Dana and Stephen joke about the idea of comedians joining OnlyFans, imagining humorous and unconventional content.

• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Carvey [30:21]: "They want to branch it out."
  • Stephen Greer [30:56]: "Give Whitney time. She would laugh at that."

6. Kroger's Facial Recognition and Privacy Concerns

Dana brings up Kroger's implementation of facial recognition technology for surge pricing, sparking a debate on the ethical implications of such practices. They mock the invasive nature of personalized pricing based on customer images.

• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Carvey [22:34]: "They see me and they go. He... It goes. He orders lots of kumquats. Raise the price on them because I need them."
  • Stephen Greer [23:39]: "He looked very digital to me."

7. Nostalgia and Reflections on Technology Evolution

The hosts reminisce about pre-digital days, reflecting on how technology has transformed daily interactions and routines. They share humorous memories of using abacuses and dealing with early technological limitations.

• Notable Quote:
  • Stephen Greer [54:55]: "Abacus."
  • Dana Carvey [34:00]: "Calculator. There you go."

8. Current Events and Light-Hearted Commentary

Dana and Stephen touch upon ongoing events like the construction of a luxury ski resort in Ukraine amidst the Russian invasion. They express skepticism and humorously question the feasibility and motives behind such developments.

• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Carvey [40:43]: "Fishy. I'll leave it at that."
  • Stephen Greer [40:56]: "People look at you."

9. Comedic Sketches and Improvisation

Throughout the episode, the hosts engage in improvised comedic sketches, parodying scenarios like hosting the Golden Globes, dealing with obsessive questions about personal location, and envisioning exaggerated characters like a silent Trump or an angry man terrorizing cops in his underpants.

• Notable Quote:
  • Stephen Greer [14:11]: "Bradley Cooper. Oh, yeah, the Maestro. We remember that. Didn't do that well. Guess it wasn't conducted properly."
  • Dana Carvey [43:54]: "The freaking smoke guy was like this. I'll get a raise."

10. Listener Engagement and Interactive Jokes

The hosts read and respond to listener-submitted jokes and stories, adding their own comedic spins. They entertain tales of unconventional toilet paper alternatives and childhood mishaps, seamlessly integrating listener content into their banter.

• Notable Quote:
  • Dana Carvey [49:02]: "There's no more toilet paper. She's got, like, a rag."
  • Stephen Greer [50:55]: "I buried my underpants?"

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Conclusion

In "Superfly #49 - Give Us Your Location," Dana Carvey and Stephen Greer deliver a multifaceted episode brimming with humor, insightful commentary, and relatable anecdotes. Their ability to seamlessly navigate between serious topics and light-hearted jokes ensures that listeners are both entertained and engaged. Whether dissecting the complexities of modern technology, reflecting on societal issues, or sharing personal stories, the duo exemplifies comedic brilliance and conversational charm.

For those who haven't tuned in yet, this episode offers a perfect blend of laughter and thoughtful discussion, making it a must-listen in the realm of entertainment podcasts.

Transcript

[David Spade]

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[Dana Carvey]

Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So a couple of days when his.

[David Spade]

Daughter moves back in.

[Dana Carvey]

The last time you walked out that.

[Stephen Greer]

Door, you looked back at me and.

[Dana Carvey]

Gave me a double bird. I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversation. The wheels come off.

[Stephen Greer]

Can we try to talk to each.

[Dana Carvey]

Other like rational adults? Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore.

[David Spade]

Series premiere Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[Stephen Greer]

What are you talking about, Dana? I'm talking about doing Garth at 70.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, to do Garth again at 70. Why not?

[Stephen Greer]

That's. That's our first line of the podcast. At 70. No, I'm. I'm very young. Don't worry. Fans. I want to thank our fans first of all for.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, thank the.

[Stephen Greer]

Out of doctors. Stephen Greer. Holy tomatoes.

[Dana Carvey]

Stephen Greer.

[Stephen Greer]

Nice.

[Dana Carvey]

How many YouTubes at this point? 2.6 million.

[Stephen Greer]

I'm gonna say more.

[Dana Carvey]

That's a lot. Where I came from. Where I come from.

[Stephen Greer]

From. You come from Scottsdale? Yeah. Jeez. Jesus Christ. They had more clicks than an eight year old discovering Google. Okay, not too bad in a pinch.

[Dana Carvey]

More clicks than Michael Flatley's heels during Lord of the.

[Stephen Greer]

More clicks than one of those Irish dance lines. Will they have to be iced down.

[Dana Carvey]

After well up twice my ankles in ice.

[Stephen Greer]

More clicks than Adam Sandler doing a sequel to Clicks.

[Dana Carvey]

More clicks than when you search. Click during the movie. Click in the script. Clicks ahoy. Yeah, so that worked out. 20,000 comments about the Stephen Green.

[Stephen Greer]

The UFOs comments know you do. And so what was the. How did they think my hair looked in that episode?

[Dana Carvey]

20. 19,000 were about the hair.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Somewhere about Stephen Greer. Now people are a little nervous, a little afraid, a little trepidatious. I think all this stuff, there's something to it because as we'll show when we get into stories, there's a map. We have to show where the UFOs and drone. Drones is another word for air weather balloons from the 50s. When they say, so UFO turns out to be a weather balloon. You're like, I don't know. So there's some drones.

[Stephen Greer]

I was at the airport, I ended up next to the guy and he went on and on and on about these UFOs and I said, would you stop droning on?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, not bad. That's two for me.

[Stephen Greer]

I'm up to zero with my clicks.

[Dana Carvey]

The top of your head, it's got to be empty at this point.

[Stephen Greer]

I got no notes. You got a whole list of jokes right front of you.

[Dana Carvey]

No, I don't.

[Stephen Greer]

I know you don't. I made that up.

[Dana Carvey]

No, I do. I, I, I have to say that the, it was very intriguing what he said. It was, you know, he goes, we, there's little 10 minute chunks of answers with him, but he's got a lot of information. Is that so? I think people sift through like we do. I understand that. That makes sense to me. Northrop Grubman. These places, a lot of these places have tons of money. No one's looking over here. They're building. So are these drones partially ours? Are they bad guys?

[Stephen Greer]

We've seen this one a lot and I think it was in interstellar, you know, point A to point B. But if you folded paper, what do you get? I was a little bit like, by.

[Dana Carvey]

The way, it doesn't make exact sense to me. Like, I get the idea of it, but see, it's full of time. Like, I don't know.

[Stephen Greer]

So you fold the universe like a napkin. What are you talking about?

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, does the universe fold? I haven't ever tried it, but yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

I mean, it's like a folding chair at a picnic.

[Dana Carvey]

No, you just grab it, fold it.

[Stephen Greer]

That table won't see 12 unfolded. It will, but I say we're here, no one knows how or why there's stars out there. They seem like they're beckoning us. So I don't know. I go at it with a quizzical, but not cynical, open mind.

[Dana Carvey]

David, I do agree that there's something. I think my, my strong opinion is something weird is going on. It's my strong, strong side. I take.

[Stephen Greer]

Look here, here's the way I think of this, okay? Science agrees, if science is a thing, that Earth at one point was just an inert rock. It was just a rock. There were microbes. There's no water. That came from comets. Thousands of comets came and spilled water. But basically, you have a rock. So if you want to understand the theory of evolution, you put a rock on your kitchen table, you come back 4 billion years later, Richard Nixon is sitting there. That's evolution.

[Dana Carvey]

That's it. Oh, my God. That's. No one's said it so concisely.

[Stephen Greer]

A rock turned into Beyonce, turned into Richard Nixon turned into Elon Musk. A solid rock.

[Dana Carvey]

They said, because we're so microscopic that they said that, you know, they found, they found water in that galaxy a trillion times more. A chunk of water, trillion times more than we have in our oceans. I'm like, okay, guys, either we're throwing the word trillion around too much, but no one can check that. No one knows. Two scientists.

[Stephen Greer]

I think trillion is probably an understatement. Any, any, any entity, any celestial object that has hydrogen and oxygen could make water. That's why we want to get a hotel on the moon and a space thing so we can go up there, get the water from the hydrogen and oxygen and get our ass to Mars.

[Dana Carvey]

But when you go there the first time, you got to bring that shitty boxes of Kirkland water from Costco just to make sure you have some water up there before you find the wells and everything.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah, you have to bring a lot of. Lot of canteens. This is a bit I used to do, which is become. I want people, our audience to know that they can use it when trying to get advice from friends. So I did a bit about a spaceship in space. Houston, this is, this is Apollo. Whatever. There is a giant spider. A giant spider in front of our spacecraft. Do advise, please. Whatever this is, Houston, our advice is to get away from the monster. I repeat, get away from the monster. So that's become a running thing when, with my brother and I, when there's relationship issues or whatever is going on in any way in your life. Just, just remember this. Get away from the monster. Yes, that's life is that simple. I think we finished our podcast, right?

[Dana Carvey]

I don't need mission control to tell me. I know that. Yeah, I like that bit. Is a little undercooked. It's like the place where they make the calls. Then the space.

[Stephen Greer]

Trying to get to the advice is get away. Should I stay with this. This guy or this girl? And then you hear about me. My advice is to get away from the monster.

[Dana Carvey]

I've run from some monsters. I will tell you, there's a lot of crazy weather. I don't know if this killer fog is real. The poison fog. I do know that weather porn on TV is something they do like to scare you. And it works where they. It used to just be really cold back east. Now it's a polar vortex. You know, let's not throw around the word vortex so easily.

[Stephen Greer]

Have lots of rain. Now we have atmospheric rivers. Mofo. What the.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't need any monsoonal moisture.

[Stephen Greer]

I don't need a river 8,000ft above my head.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, atmospheric river. There's a Stormageddon.

[Stephen Greer]

Stormageddon. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

You can add Mageddon and you can have burrito Mageddon. And it's like a little scarier than just eating a burrito.

[Stephen Greer]

Yes. Oh, that's right. Armageddon. Who started that? Besides Bruce Willis? Who? Who said. Who said the asteroids the size of Texas?

[Dana Carvey]

Billy Bob.

[Stephen Greer]

Yep. Billy Bob.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah. One of my own.

[Stephen Greer]

Step on my dick or suck my dick, but you got to do one or the other. I'm really enjoying Land. Land with Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Hamm are both great.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, is he on it?

[Stephen Greer]

And others. Ally Carter, Michelle Randolph. Yeah, yeah. But Billy Bob in. In the Zone, reacting to all these craziness, you know, and is so much fun to watch as an actor.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I've heard Landman is the one to watch. My buddy. He always gives me the updates.

[Stephen Greer]

I'm not saying it's Shakespeare, but it's really entertaining.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, so here's another thing. I'm driving up my house today, my little crooked street, to my dumpy mansion, and there's a woman that. Since I've moved here three years ago. You know, the HOAs are always so tough. I guess this isn't an HOA, so she's just gone rogue. But she puts cones across her whole front yard and her driveway across the whole thing. One house.

[Stephen Greer]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

And there's Some are green. You notice that other green. They're not even matching. And then police tape shirts.

[Stephen Greer]

Not Christmas ornaments for. No, that's Not. Okay, go ahead.

[Dana Carvey]

You're like the cops interviewing me. No, I know what ornaments are, Dana. I don't. It's not.

[Stephen Greer]

The cops are interviewing you about the cones.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. And I'm like, no. They go, you sure it wasn't, like, candles? I'm like, no, they're orange cones and then police tape, like it's a crime scene. And I want to say to her, hey, get all this off here. Like, our. How the whole street looks like a dump, you know, because.

[Stephen Greer]

Right. Right. All it takes is one.

[Dana Carvey]

And she said, oh, what happened was because she's a little older and a little crazier, she goes, oh, some people were parking in my driveway or in your driveway. She goes, they were blocking it. And I go, and when was this? She's like, 1987. I go, well, I think that the tide has gone out, and we're okay for a while, so why don't we just not make our whole neighborhood look like dog shit?

[Stephen Greer]

And then you know what to do. And then you got out of your bathroom, stopped looking in the mirror and practicing seeing what you were gonna say. Just did a meek wave, right?

[Dana Carvey]

I practice even when I pull up, and I don't want to do when I'm going up the hill because it kills my neck, so I want to do it when I'm going down. And then I'll. I'll do the window like this. I just stared her through the window, and then I got my fingers ready and go. It goes down. And I go, hey. Oh, she's. She's like 90. She's like, me. And I'm like, yeah. Who else is here? And then I continue that speech that I've practiced.

[Stephen Greer]

All right, here's what we do. We park in front of her house. We. We get. Heather comes out like it's a W root beer in the 1960s, puts a tray on our window, and we order hamburgers and milkshakes and we eat them as we're staring at our porch. Either that if you can't move because I know you've got multiple abodes, then you got to get away from the monster. That is my advice.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, that's true. Yeah. You know, you. I don't want to for sure move in with you, but it's on the table. Okay.

[Stephen Greer]

Other than that, it's okay.

[Dana Carvey]

That's my.

[Stephen Greer]

That's the most scary, scariest thing I've heard.

[Dana Carvey]

Can I move into one of your pantries?

[Stephen Greer]

We put you in there with your protein bars and your. Your Gatorade.

[Dana Carvey]

So I Had a good Christmas. And I. And it was New Year's, I did. I went to the Comedy Store. That was fun. Did a couple sets. Saw Tim Dillon. We had one show where it was me, Tim Dillon, Nikki Glaser, and Bobby Lee, Annie Letterman. It was really fun. So that was fun. Because New Year's Eve, I didn't have any plan. So I. We've been working on it.

[Stephen Greer]

Who can follow Glazer at this point? It's the year of Nikki.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, it's hard to follow because she's also working on her Golden Globes set.

[Stephen Greer]

So she's like, boom.

[Dana Carvey]

She's working on her monologue. So she goes up and says, everyone, this will be fun. You can be a part of the audience, picture of the Golden Gloves. And then it's a little different because it's not your regular set. You have to pretend.

[Stephen Greer]

You pretend. Where am I?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, you're like this. Hey, welcome to Golden Globes. Hey, look at Bradley Cooper, you. And then everyone's like, where is he here? No, no, we're pretending we're okay.

[Stephen Greer]

You know what? But I just gonna insert this because they. Yeah, YouTube, for some reason, feeds me Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

And no one could really follow Ricky Gervais. But now Nikki, Nikki is going to save the show. And I will negotiate her second hosting deal for her.

[Dana Carvey]

I will tell. They're going to start calling her Nikki Gervais because she can stay likable and.

[Stephen Greer]

Shit on people because she has this intrinsic likability.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, well, they're expecting. I mean, I think it's the closest to her doing the roast. You know, a captive audience. They know it's coming. I think the Emmys for her wouldn't have been as good of an idea. I think they talked about her hosting, that the Emmys are a little more fluffy and boring. And this, this. At least everyone's close. You got a lot more movie stars and you can direct.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah, they're right there. Let's. Let's play a little game for a second. Okay? Just. You're. You're the host. You see Bradley Cooper. You want to do a friendly jab? Hi. Hey. I'll do one. I'll do one if you don't want. I'll go first.

[Dana Carvey]

Go ahead.

[Stephen Greer]

Bradley Cooper. Oh, yeah, the Maestro. We remember that. Didn't do that well. Guess it wasn't conducted properly. Sorry.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay.

[Stephen Greer]

That's all I got. Sorry. That was an ad lib, folks.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, Bradley. I was going to see the maestro, but I was Sick that day.

[Stephen Greer]

I was sick that year.

[Dana Carvey]

It kind of came and went.

[Stephen Greer]

Okay, let's see who else will be there. Hey, Jennifer Lopez. How are you? I hear you're dating Matt Damon.

[Dana Carvey]

That's not to get back at Ben, is it? Look at our fictitious crowd work is bombing.

[Stephen Greer]

I know. That's why we do it here on the podcast when it's only us and our 275,000.

[Dana Carvey]

The best crowd work is when you do the front row and, like, we've talked about, and no one can see in the back. So you go, look at this muscle man up front. He's like this. Oh, I'm gonna pick up the table. And then everyone laughs. Then you look at him. He's a meek little nerd.

[Stephen Greer]

I know. You just invent characters up front, engineer your jokes. Look at this dwarf. What's he doing up here?

[Dana Carvey]

Look at four eyes this dip. Other than that, I did see the set she's doing for the Golden Globes. Very good. Should be great. It's gonna be great. I'm excited.

[Stephen Greer]

Will Tom Brady be at the Golden Globe now?

[Dana Carvey]

What if they just put him there so he can get on? She should plant him in there to be funny.

[Stephen Greer]

It'd be funny.

[Dana Carvey]

She should tell the Golden Globes. Act like you're the Tom Brady audience. I'm gonna do Tom Brady jokes. All right, let's get to our hot stories.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah. I have no.

[Dana Carvey]

We have no guests, so you have a story. I'm sorry. We didn't. No.

[Stephen Greer]

I have an observation.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

That in Hollywood, and I know there's people working this week, but in Hollywood, you know, you do the Christmas, you do the New Year's, and now there's these days that were podcasting, and these are lost days. These days, you can't really start a project or end a project. You never know what day is it? Is it. Is it Friday? Is it Sunday? What?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, that's true.

[Stephen Greer]

I'm completely disoriented. It just makes me really sad.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I know that the agents who don't like to work anyway, they. They are usually. First of all, if Christmas is on the 25th, usually they take off on the 9th and not Kenny.

[Stephen Greer]

It used to be, like, the 15th of December shut down. Now it's creeping up the day after Thanksgiving. It's slim pick.

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, literally, people go, we were pitching something, and they go. And it was like the first of November, and they go, well, we'll try to get some dates in January. I go to pitch it, and I go, well, it's November 1st. It's just Halloween. They go, well, you got Thanksgiving. And then no one really does anything until the new year. I go, so everyone's supposed to come back on the sixth. So I checked with someone. They go, yeah, we're going to sort of trickle back. 6th, 7th, 8th.

[Stephen Greer]

They're in village.

[Dana Carvey]

Trickle back. What? What? It's New Year's Eve. I can't remember it.

[Stephen Greer]

And guys, they're in Hawaii or the Caribbean in a villa. It's not a high rise hotel room. It's a villa with servants in a private boat and a private yacht. I mean, they work hard, you know, so they take a couple months around the middle of the.

[Dana Carvey]

They take all year. It's really. And you go, oh, don't you have to bring your dumbo kids back to school or anything? I mean, anything you have to do.

[Stephen Greer]

They have someone else doing that. I'm sorry to break it to you. David's called a nanny. All right?

[Dana Carvey]

They have the jet and a little baby. Private jet takes the kids.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah. Junior wants a banana split. Crack. Make it servant.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, Junior.

[Stephen Greer]

All right, what's your stories?

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, so you gotta follow tag BETMGM across all your socials. You know this.

[Stephen Greer]

Are you serious?

[Dana Carvey]

Bet. Mgm.

[Stephen Greer]

Wow.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow, wow.

[Stephen Greer]

That's. That's Christopher Walken reacting to that news. Also the tagline, the sports book Born in Vegas. Wow. Vegas born sports book.

[Dana Carvey]

They are the sports book Born in Vegas Sportsbook. Here's yes, walking. You got it.

[Stephen Greer]

I'm talking walking.

[Dana Carvey]

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[Stephen Greer]

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[Dana Carvey]

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[Stephen Greer]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, this is. Oh, this is. This is California's. Oh, I think I'm annoyed that California. We live in California, folks. They keep asking for money for homeless. Fine. I used to vote for that. And when I go vote, but now the last 24 billion that's gone, unaccounted for, they can't figure out what they spend on. Fine. I mean, that's 20. That's 18 zeros, babe.

[Stephen Greer]

Wait a minute. Taxpayers pay. Money has 24 billion. What are you going to do with it? We're going to get it to all these different homeless initiatives, agencies, and we're going to take care of the homelessness. Four years later. Hey, there's twice as many homeless. Where'd the money go? We're not really sure right now, but we'll get back to you.

[Dana Carvey]

The grossest part is then they go, by the way, we're raising money for homeless. They're taxing you again. I'm like, I'm all for paying taxes. I love it. But if I can't see anything from it, like, just show me a road in front of my house. It's a little smoother. Take down the cones and the police. Then I'll go, something in my life is better. But you want more for home. And then people are coming in that are homeless now.

[Stephen Greer]

It's like the homeless getting worse, increased. So if it's not that, it's not. It's not the same. It's 24 billion and it's going up. I'm gonna call it weird.

[Dana Carvey]

It feels like a business that something's going on where obviously we don't know about because people forget. It used to be millions of dollars that everything. It was just in the last five, seven years that you started giving away a billion. And now it's like chump change.

[Stephen Greer]

It's 100 billion, 200 billion. And guess what? This is the way the government works. If they fund a program, 24 billion. And if you said we solved homeless but we only spent 15 billion, that's considered a failure. You got to spend the budget so you get the same amount the following year.

[Dana Carvey]

Right, Because Covid money was left over and they wouldn't spend it on home anyway. I'm not going to fix this.

[Stephen Greer]

Biden's passing out Covid checks today because we had a left over $250 billion. A lot of people didn't claim a check anyway. Hey, come on.

[Dana Carvey]

Remember there was an earthquake. He's like, no, the hurricane. Remember to get your covet shot. That's the first thing we have to do on the way to fix the hurricane.

[Stephen Greer]

It says right here I'm doing everything I was ever though.

[Dana Carvey]

What did you say? He's getting worse. I saw him today talking about there's tragedy. Of course, the new year brings immediate tragedy. And he's like this, hey, man, this is a bit of a up, but, you know, it's all gonna smooth out in the big picture.

[Stephen Greer]

He's definitely camp.

[Dana Carvey]

He doesn't even know what's going.

[Stephen Greer]

I did them really strong and people got all flipped out. There's no crisis of border. Hey, what are you making fun of that guy behind the scenes? He's running laps around us.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, Jack.

[Stephen Greer]

And get your facts straight.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I love when he. I love when he's tough. Okay, what's the next one? What's the next one? Kroger just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition. Oh, okay. Play what this guy says.

[Stephen Greer]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Just rolled out search pricing using facial recognition technology. This means that Kroger has the ability to change the prices of their products depending on the image of the person buying them. Not to mention that most corporations already own a lot of our data. This means that depending on the image of the person buying the product, they can access our information and dictate that price. Can also use our image to determine how often we buy certain products and increase the price of that product. Could lead to discriminatory practices using AI as a scapegoat. It gets worse. People of different races turn it down.

[Stephen Greer]

They used to do it if you wore a rollout, pulled up in a Bentley. But that guy. All I say about that guy, perfectly nice guy, but he could really, really play an AI robot in a movie without any.

[Dana Carvey]

He was very. Is that AI?

[Stephen Greer]

He looked very digital me to me.

[Dana Carvey]

What Kroger is doing is studying you.

[Stephen Greer]

And raising their prices. Now, where do they study you? Like, you lean over for a head of lettuce and there's a camera in the lettuce or something. What do you. Or they do it. When you check out what they do.

[Dana Carvey]

They see me and they go. He. It goes. He orders lots of kumquats. Raise the price on them because I need them. Like, whatever I need. They. They inch up the price, I guess.

[Stephen Greer]

Well, if they go to your. Your lovely home and you say, we're going to trim your hedge, then they look around, they see a few things. Look at a couple things. They go, that'll be $1 million.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

And then you go here and tell them off. You come out, you say, okay, guys.

[Dana Carvey]

I told you, I got a car wreck. I was on Sunset. I tell you this already. And then I just tapped a guy in front of me. It was more like for fun. It was just funny. And then, yeah, he got out and he goes, are you David Spade? I go, yeah. And he goes, oh. So he literally was like. I was like, well, listen, because he was pretty cool about it. He goes, I'm all right. Then we look and he goes, my car is all right. I go, yeah. And then I'm like, well, should we get. Take pictures or something? He goes, yeah. So I'm like, selfie. I just wanted to, like, get a selfie and get out of it. But he goes, no, maybe of the car. So we did that. And then.

[Stephen Greer]

Could you see any damage yourself?

[Dana Carvey]

No, no, to mine was a little on the license plate, but to his, nothing. And then. And then I'm like, listen, let's get out of here. I mean, I guess we'll never know whose fault it is. Who's to say? Yeah, he's like, well, you were behind me, so I guess it's yours. I'm like, sure. And then. Anyway, so don't hear from the guy for two weeks of Christmas. And then he's. Insurance contacted us and a lawyer.

[Stephen Greer]

Really? Oh, because he's feeling a little sore.

[Dana Carvey]

No, because he goes, his first question is, are you David Spade? So he tells someone that, and they're like, oh, well, obviously you're gonna sue him, even though you're fine. He's like, oh. I mean, I guess I don't love it.

[Stephen Greer]

So is there a lawsuit or what?

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, is a lawyer involved now? I don't know what's going on exactly. Precisely. But I don't like that. I feel like it's Kroger price gouging with me with the same.

[Stephen Greer]

You know, it's just it. They're just doing it more sophisticated people would gouge all the time. And. And, you know, I knew someone who literally kept a neck brace in their closet. And if they ever got a fender bender or thought anything or even kind of walked on an escalator improperly or something, they just lawyer up. And they've made a lot, a lot of money because people just want it to go away. They wouldn't say, give me a million, but they go, 50 grand, I'm gone. You know, pay him.

[Dana Carvey]

That person was John Lovett.

[Stephen Greer]

Oh, no, we gotta cut that.

[Dana Carvey]

No, he's coming back on. He's our favorite guest. Of the funniest and favorite. Okay, next story. What's on the hot off the presses from three weeks ago. Oh, this is funny. This is one of the football games. Okay. You know, they all run out at the start. This is like from a movie.

[Stephen Greer]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Here we go. What is this, the poison fog in Florida? Jesus, look at that. Wipe out and pile on each other.

[Stephen Greer]

They all wipe out because there's too much to make them look like they're goddesses. Gods. Coming from the Viking mist.

[Dana Carvey]

The freaking smoke guy was like this. I'll get a raise. He should have done a. They weren't all at rehearsal, I'll tell you that.

[Stephen Greer]

The college sports you could never exact. I played. I played now and actually played in the New Islands. And the guy gave us a tour of the campus. It was all stadiums, basically. Football. 100,000. That's 150,000 people fit in that state. That's bigger than any an. We've sold out 48 years in a row. I mean, it's kind of like It's a game, people.

[Dana Carvey]

That's high school too, out there in Texas.

[Stephen Greer]

And Friday Night Lights. Great show.

[Dana Carvey]

You know, this reminds me of one time when I was in snl. I went to a strip club with Timmy Meadows.

[Stephen Greer]

Sounds like a whole Meadows.

[Dana Carvey]

I like how I dragged him into the story. But we went. I made him go with me. I go, let's go. And there was a girl named Terry. I can't say. Anyway, she was. We saw her. We knew she was in Playboy, but she had jumped, made the leap into porn. It's not a huge. It is a big leap. It's just from, you know, naked to porn, which is, you know, especially back then.

[Stephen Greer]

That's. That's all done now. Only fools.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

It's all.

[Dana Carvey]

Sex workers are great. Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

Is everything now.

[Dana Carvey]

She had to go out there, like, you know, listen, porn now is just on your phone. And the girls. I gotta stay in my house.

[Stephen Greer]

I wouldn't know.

[Dana Carvey]

So. So Dennis Miller and I were trying to write a sketch about, like, a porn star husband because she had a little show. She did. Because, you know, she did, like, two shows a night. So she comes out and the guy's like. He's got, like a little board. He's like this little smoke machine. A little puff of smoke comes out. She comes out, and then he's like this. He's got, like, light board like this. It's this big. He's like. Lights down and up. And then.

[Stephen Greer]

It'S like.

[Dana Carvey]

It's the cheapest. He's got a long ponytail. He's like, Babe. And then afterwards, you get a Polaroid with her for 20 bucks. And he was like, I'll handle the money.

[Stephen Greer]

I don't like the music choice. To me, the classic is like, yeah, I mean, that. That's classic. So the idea is going, yeah, no.

[Dana Carvey]

He'S trying to add music. He's trying to, like, be the manager and the husband and the stage direction and the lighting. It was just all, like, so lo fi. And that. That was.

[Stephen Greer]

I give him credit for trying, but only fans is. Is the sh. I read about him in business. Business sites about, you know, global business. It's up to 7 billion a year generated on. On only Fans, so. And anyone can go on there, by the way. They want comedians on there.

[Dana Carvey]

They want to branch it out.

[Stephen Greer]

But, yeah, I don't want it all.

[Dana Carvey]

Whitney Cummings is on there.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah. There was a woman making a. She made about a million a year. And she's never naked or having sex or anything. She might be in her panties or I don't know, but it's not. It's soft. And then she talks to lonely fellas, too.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

You know, so it's.

[Dana Carvey]

She's pretty cool. Yeah. Will I do it? I'll say. Maybe. You'll see. I'll do it. Huh. Whitney's on a different.

[Stephen Greer]

There's only Fans and only fans tv.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, she's on. Yeah. Whitney's only fans is like, for comedy.

[Stephen Greer]

Give Whitney time. She would laugh at that.

[Dana Carvey]

Whitney did a good job at CNN Roast. Did you see that?

[Stephen Greer]

I heard about it.

[Dana Carvey]

Funny jokes. Also, if I do only fans, I'll just do carnival food and I'll go, click on this and you'll see my corn dog. And then they click for $28. And then they go, it's a real corn dog. I go, that's what I said.

[Stephen Greer]

Then you turn around, they see your Cinnabons. All right, how far is this metaphor going about the sexual proclivity of a man? Of substituting Danish and circus snacks for their appendages.

[Dana Carvey]

Prolific.

[Stephen Greer]

Hey, I know. I get. I get smarter when I do Dennis, if he's listening, get a big turkey leg. My IQ gets bigger, by the way. I just want, real quick New Year's resolution for David Spade, just so we can do a viral. Viral thing. I know you got something. Locked and loaded. New Year's resolution, David Phineas space.

[Dana Carvey]

What is mine?

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah, you don't have to have one.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't think I have any great ones.

[Stephen Greer]

You. You know, your resolution is not to have resolution. People go like that.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't have any major ones. I'm just trying to. I'm trying to use less than 22 hours a day on my phone. That's what my last report was. And I'm like, we got to pump them numbers up.

[Stephen Greer]

My phone beats me up every day. First of all, I had an Apple watch. I lost it 10 years ago. You almost closed your circle. I'm not even clicking on anything. You could get there. You're behind, actually. And then it says, congratulations, you beat last week's record. You were on your phone for 79 hours.

[Dana Carvey]

Reminding me when it shows you how much phone usage. I walk away. I put the phone down, I turn it over, I go, I don't want to know. Have you done this? Where it says, hey, iPhone. Because they. They go, here's a story that's so interesting you'd like. And I go, all right. And I click on it. It goes, join the Wall Street Journal right now and you can read it. I go, no, no, don't bait and switch me that horse. I don't play. Don't play that.

[Stephen Greer]

I do a lot of clickbait on some of these sites, like cnn. Like, you okay, I'll click on a thing and then it's like, are you a subscriber?

[Dana Carvey]

Join.

[Stephen Greer]

Would you like to join for a dollar a month?

[Dana Carvey]

Good headline though, huh? What's it about? You want to know? Just put your email in. We'll give you a free one for a little bit.

[Stephen Greer]

Okay. Answer. Just live. Don't even think. Are these a plus? Positive for society or negative? Yes or no? Plus cons, plus for humanity or minus plus? Okay, I know where you're buttered.

[Dana Carvey]

What do you say?

[Stephen Greer]

No, I don't know. I'm an analog man in a digital.

[Dana Carvey]

World, you know, Listen, I was doing fine with an abacus forever.

[Stephen Greer]

Abacus. What's the next line? Joke for abacus.

[Dana Carvey]

That's funny.

[Stephen Greer]

I had one in this.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that too old?

[Stephen Greer]

I'm not sure what the substitute is between.

[Dana Carvey]

Calculator.

[Stephen Greer]

The calculator.

[Dana Carvey]

There you go. I guess so. Yeah. Well, I was.

[Stephen Greer]

Okay, I was writing.

[Dana Carvey]

No, we were writing notes in class and you know, that's gone.

[Stephen Greer]

And do those little fold up napkins instead of texts. What were those things? You'd write things on them. A little fold in there.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

Little puzzle or something. That's one before phones.

[Dana Carvey]

What about at SNL when, like Sarah Sherman's, like, then I texted Lauren and said, why did my sketch get cut? I'm like, you text Lauren as floors.

[Stephen Greer]

Me as a cast member during the show. Remember, during notes? I'll try.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah. Lauren giving notes when I did that. Hunter Biden. And then we're all sitting there, and Lauren's got a microphone now, and he's like, cold, open, and he starts reading. And then he goes, sarah. Because she was like, gates, maybe you got to face the. You're in the. You're not in the light enough. Can you face more toward the middle? And she goes, I'll try. I'm like, I have. Yes, sir.

[Stephen Greer]

I remember one. Was that the show where he said, dana, you're. You. You. You look like you're reading the cards. And I said, I look like I'm reading the cards because I am reading the cards.

[Dana Carvey]

I go, can Wally give it to me so I can just hold it?

[Stephen Greer]

Well, it's a lot of fucking dialogue. I used to. I was doing Biden just. Yeah, here we go. And then I'd fall down or something. All of a sudden, that thing was written last minute. They did an incredible job, but it was a lot of traffic. I was not used to it, but, you know, I got used to a little bit because they're removing the cards inside baseball for the audience. There's a single shot of the church lady. They'd move the cards under there, and then they'd move them over there, you know, and there was a little bit. Where do I look at my single, or do I look at. Look at the wide shot? And we needed more rehearsal to get that down.

[Dana Carvey]

Sure.

[Stephen Greer]

That ain't snl, of course, because they.

[Dana Carvey]

Go, hunter Biden right to it. They go, hunter Biden. You deliver that one thing about Trump straight to camera. I go, all right. And then I did it. And after dress, they go, we're moving the camera, and we'll tell you where it is. You'll figure it out. I'm like, I wouldn't count on me figuring it out. Why don't you just tell me? And then while Matt Gaetz is on, while he's literally over there pointing and going like this. And I'm like, what does that mean? I'm on in 20 seconds. And then the guy goes. He says, it's changed. Now you're looking at a different camera. I go, and what camera would that be?

[Stephen Greer]

We're trying to look relaxed inside baseball. We look. We're trying. I'm trying to be the church lady interviewing Hunter Biden. We're trying to be relaxed, having a conversation. We're seeing, like, nine cameras and 25 people. Nervously staring at us. Cue card guys waving cards and moving them around, going behind them, wondering if they're gonna laugh. They're looking at the monitor. Look at us, look at the monitor. And the whole time, be relaxed. Land your line under, rehearse. It's a fun job.

[Dana Carvey]

All right, next story, next story, next story. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of leg surgery? Have you heard of leg turkey's where everything's happening. Everyone's getting hair transplants and leg surgery. So this is a guy. It was me and the boys.

[Stephen Greer]

Leg lengthening surgery.

[Dana Carvey]

Leg lengthening? Yeah. I'm sorry.

[Stephen Greer]

No, that's. That's big.

[Dana Carvey]

They go to Turkey to do it, and it's very real. This is not a joke. So this says, excuse me. Me and the boys after we go to Turkey for leg lengthening surgery. This is an orthodontic surgeon. Okay, Play the surgeon, too. I want to hear what he says for a second. Me and the boys after going to.

[Stephen Greer]

Turkey to get leg lengthening surgery.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. So this is a thing, people.

[Stephen Greer]

Is this real?

[Dana Carvey]

Look at that.

[Stephen Greer]

No, they look. Arms, guys. No, me and the boy.

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, but this is real in a way, because they do do it. I think these are too big, but they can do about 3 or 4 inches. They cut your leg in half and.

[Stephen Greer]

They insert metal things and then put it back together. It's like just pretend you've been in an auto accident. Hey, how was that auto accent? Oh, I'm fine now. I'm.

[Dana Carvey]

What I told people was. Yeah, I just said, I'm writing a script. I need to be quiet for the next couple. Don't bother me. And then they go, where's the script? I go, what script is that, by the way? I'm six three.

[Stephen Greer]

And they go in the screen.

[Dana Carvey]

That was turkey.

[Stephen Greer]

So it's ironically. It's in Turkey.

[Dana Carvey]

Why is everything in Turkey?

[Stephen Greer]

I don't know. What is up with Turkey? They're messing around.

[Dana Carvey]

What's wrong with Turkey?

[Stephen Greer]

Trump? They're very tough. They're leader Ergon. He's a tough cookie. He's a smart cookie. He's a sweet cookie. You can get a lot of cookies out of him. The new Trump. I'm working on the new Trump because he's not at the rally screaming. He's more quiet now. So there's going to be a new Trump that I'm going to do.

[Dana Carvey]

Anyone? So he doesn't have to try as hard.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah, he can be more conversational because all his dreams came true. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, listen, it's very.

[Stephen Greer]

It's very good. And we're doing things, and we're gonna do.

[Dana Carvey]

And I like that.

[Stephen Greer]

We're gonna take care of a lot of people. And a lot of people are talking about it. You can see it. And. And look at it. It's like he's so happy that Junior's.

[Dana Carvey]

Got a new chick. She just buzzed by Mar? A Lago the other day. Don Jr.

[Stephen Greer]

I know they sent the old. The girlfriend woman. They sent her to Greece. Was sending her to Greece degrees. She's going. She was dating Don Jr. They were going to get married. But we're sending her to Greece, and she's in Greece. She's going to stay in Greece and be our ambassador to Greece.

[Dana Carvey]

Greece, send it a turkey, get some longer legs.

[Stephen Greer]

Greece, get on an island, you know?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah, that doesn't sound like a bad deal. It's not exactly Alaska, so. Antarctica. All right, next one. We're doing great, Dana. We're doing great.

[Stephen Greer]

I'm so proud of us.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, you read this one.

[Stephen Greer]

Construction of luxury ski resort in the Ukraine starts in the middle of Russian invasion.

[Dana Carvey]

I never know what's going on with Ukraine.

[Stephen Greer]

What is going on? That can't be real.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, some of these things I see on Instagram, it's like Ukrainian nightclubs. Everyone's like, every girl's beautiful. And they're like, are. What is going on?

[Stephen Greer]

Well, maybe most of the war is this in the.

[Dana Carvey]

Maybe it's on the outskirts or something.

[Stephen Greer]

Not in the east, where? Toward Russia, maybe on the way west in the mountain.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't want to say they're flush with cash, but they do have probably a little extra laying around, because how can you spend that much money? I don't know.

[Stephen Greer]

It's a problem to get it spent safely and accurately and legally.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. I say one word, fishy. I'll leave it at that.

[Stephen Greer]

I. Well, the weird part is, and I'm just reading this off my phone, but the people who are in charge of the California homeless 25 happen to be the Committee to Free Ukraine. It was Ukrainian.

[Dana Carvey]

The same accountants.

[Stephen Greer]

Same accountants from Ukraine. We're working in California.

[Dana Carvey]

Can we fire those accountants? I don't think they're nailing it.

[Stephen Greer]

We're gonna stop it. We're gonna stop the war very fast. To take one minute. I'm gonna do it.

[Dana Carvey]

Unless I. I like when he goes. One phone call. War over. What's the phone call? No, no, no, no, no.

[Stephen Greer]

We're dealing with tough cookies. These are tough.

[Dana Carvey]

More cookies.

[Stephen Greer]

These cookies are tough. And you gotta. You Gotta hand it to him. He's a tough cookie. He's a smart cookie. But I'm telling you what we got. Cookies. Cookies. I knew that. Let me ask you and our fan a question, please. 100 times a day they say, can we have your location or not?

[Dana Carvey]

Is that true? That's what mine is, yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

Can we have your location, allow it or not allowed.

[Dana Carvey]

Why do they want it so bad? First of all, they know where it is. Uber comes to get me. Everyone knows. Then I go, hey, how far is it from I said the other day, like, Syracuse to Naples, Florida? And they go, you'll have to give me your location. I go, you don't need it. How. Just how many miles is it? Give us your location. Just go to settings. It's so easy. I go, it doesn't matter. What's the temperature there? Well, give us your location. We'll tell you what it is over there. I go, fucking Siri and I go at it.

[Stephen Greer]

Guess what's the latest is. Because I have somewhere for movie theaters. We'd like to. We. We'd like to have your precise location.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm sorry, what?

[Stephen Greer]

Like they. Which part of the house are you in? Yeah, precise location is the latest one. But when I say, not that you're not allowed to have my location, then the WI fi sucks and I can't, this goes shitty. Then I go, allow it, and I notice it's better.

[Dana Carvey]

They get what they want. But you want to make your life easy. Just say yes to everything.

[Stephen Greer]

And you're like, allow if you want to have good WI fi in your life. If you want to be a smart cookie, a good cookie, any kind of cookie.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. I'm telling you, Siri's been a real twat. I hate to use that kind of language. All right, what's the next one?

[Stephen Greer]

Seriously?

[Dana Carvey]

Siri has been.

[Stephen Greer]

Underwear versus seven officer. I think a fight's gonna break out.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know what this is. Everything's happening in Bellisarius. Her, Bella, Russell. I think these cops, when they don't have guns, who's scared of him? This guy in his underpants isn't. You can't even trip him. The kids are involved. Look at this little kid in his shorts. What's he gonna do, this little girl? Your. Your wrestling is useless.

[Stephen Greer]

Tase him.

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, look at Spade. I can't take him down.

[Stephen Greer]

He's so angry that he's got a superpower. Anger, strength.

[Dana Carvey]

Why is he mad? And what is he on?

[Stephen Greer]

And give me his underwear. He's terrorizing. The cop.

[Dana Carvey]

The underpants burglar is back. Listen.

[Stephen Greer]

You gotta see that. Click on that, if you will. If you're. If you're listening to this in your car, a man. It sounds worse than it is in his underpants. He's kind of a heavyset bald man, is terrorizing dozens of people as police officers. Don't know what to do.

[Dana Carvey]

He's really doing nothing. He's not shooting up the place. He's just screaming, running around, screaming. And there's kids. I would be too. I'd be like, hey, dude, beat it. Like, don't scream around kids.

[Stephen Greer]

To me, that's just another Saturday when I was a kid.

[Dana Carvey]

Another Saturday in Bellis area. What's it called?

[Stephen Greer]

Bella Serious Tonight. Gerald Ford.

[Dana Carvey]

What's it called?

[Stephen Greer]

Belarus. Belarus. People look at you.

[Dana Carvey]

Belarus, Belarus. Can you do the fandango?

[Stephen Greer]

Belarus, Belarus. Could you do the fandango?

[Dana Carvey]

Thunderbolts and Lightning. What movie is that from?

[Stephen Greer]

Wayne's World.

[Dana Carvey]

Did you hurt your neck in that little sore? You know, we had Penelope and Chris and I did it in a scene and I think black Sheep and she goes, shake your head more. I go, I can. It's too painful because Chris has, like, no bones in his head. He's like.

[Stephen Greer]

He's like. He's like. He was. He was like gumby. Yeah. He could just.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm like, I can't just. No one's looking at me.

[Stephen Greer]

You're really doing the same thing. Done.

[Dana Carvey]

We were doing it. Not wasn't exact ripped off, but it was like just some hard metal or something. But it kills your neck. I would never do it today.

[Stephen Greer]

Never. You know, you. You just get in a way where you fake it. Like there's this heavy metal band, German Ramstein, and the lead singer, he's this hulking German guy. Dots, eyes, loose bros. And it feels like he's getting a little older now, but he wants to do that big old one with the donut, with the head.

[Dana Carvey]

Flip their hair around.

[Stephen Greer]

He kind of gets in a low squat, and he's sort of more moving his shoulders than the head. You know, there's ways to fake it to make you. We'll talk about it for your next.

[Dana Carvey]

When's your special, by the way? April, I think. April, by the way, Busboys. I haven't even looked.

[Stephen Greer]

Bus Boys, the new movie that's going into production. Can I announce that?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, we're going. The 10th of January. It's coming up.

[Stephen Greer]

Theo Vaughn and David Spade are the bus.

[Dana Carvey]

The Bus Boys. By the way, I bring it up because I. I forgot that I'd probably have to carry bus tubs. And I go, how many Styrofoam ones are we. Do we have on the set with fake pretend paper glasses? And they're like, dude, are you joking? I'm like, theo is a strong one. I go, no, you better have. Didn't you write this? I'm like, I know. I didn't really think.

[Stephen Greer]

Well, are you clearing a table with a tray and carrying it like that?

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, you know how it is. Like, when I'm a bus boy, they have all these posters in the back. Like, lift with your legs. Look straight up. I'm like, yeah, when you're out in the field, like I am. Boots in the ground, you know, Dana.

[Stephen Greer]

You'Re like, there's the kettle of. Pitcher of water.

[Dana Carvey]

Rip your back.

[Stephen Greer]

There's a pot of coffee.

[Dana Carvey]

Rip your back. Lever arm ripping neck.

[Stephen Greer]

Scalenes scanning giant things of hot. Because I cleaned pots. Gigantic pots that weigh a freaking ton. And then I would spill the water out. But one time, it went on my left wrist, and it hurt for 20. 20 years. 20 years it hurt. Finally got rid of it by doing exercises. Sizes on it. Those. You know. But yeah, I do them, too. Okay. Wants to see anyone do that. Signal if they're over or over 12.

[Dana Carvey]

Remember I used to be embarrassed to go, mom, it's so dry in Arizona. When you're at the store, can you pick up some jerkins? Remember Jergens lotion? We called it Jerkins Jerkins.

[Stephen Greer]

And that was.

[Dana Carvey]

I think the commercial should have said that. Also, there's rose milk. Gross.

[Stephen Greer]

I was at the lake with some buddies doing, like a guys weekend.

[Dana Carvey]

And my session.

[Stephen Greer]

My brother loves beef jerky. So he did this joke of probably 5, 600 time. He'd put the. He'd have the beef jerky. He'd hold it up to you and say, jerk.

[Dana Carvey]

That would kill.

[Stephen Greer]

Jerk. And it would kill in the room. Well, we were all. We had a couple pops, you know.

[Dana Carvey]

Give me some wobbly pops.

[Stephen Greer]

Just all be, you know, lager, beer.

[Dana Carvey]

No harm done. All right, we can keep going. Let's go another one. This is so entertaining. Okay, I'll read it. There's a woman. This is. We always read them because people listen.

[Stephen Greer]

Are driving.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. 3. There's a woman sitting on a commode, dressed.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

3. Unusual benefits to getting rid of toilet paper and using a family cloth instead. I have not heard about this. I did not know this. Go ahead.

[Stephen Greer]

What is she worried about this? Let's go.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, there's. There's no more toilet paper. She's got, like, a rag.

[Stephen Greer]

A rag. And she's gonna wipe the bottom.

[Dana Carvey]

There's. Is that it? You save $465 a month?

[Stephen Greer]

Well, do you rinse it out after.

[Dana Carvey]

Each usage, or do you hand it to the next guy? So it's just a face rag? And then you wipe your behind, and then you. I don't know. I don't love it.

[Stephen Greer]

Better video. They walk, you know, you wash them and reuse them. But I've seen one where a little kid goes, you wash that one, but it's still dirty.

[Dana Carvey]

She goes, it's okay. It's okay. Covered in skitters. Well, I don't know if I want to use it. Second, third, fourth, fifth. You know, when.

[Stephen Greer]

Well, I have a personal experience with this. Goes back two years. I'm four years old. I get up before everybody. Poopity, poopity time. There's no toilet paper. So I do use a little hand towel. And being four years old, I put it back on the rack with full monty. So then later on, my dad comes out. Oh, Jesus Christ. What's this? So I had to get in the living room. He made me go get his belt. I had to grab my ankles, and all my siblings gather around. Then he asked, how many? How many? And I got a nice little whooping.

[Dana Carvey]

It's a show, like Gladiator.

[Stephen Greer]

Like, yeah. How many should he get? Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

A thousand? A million? He's like, keep it within reason.

[Stephen Greer]

My other poo. Do you want to hear my other poo story? It's 37.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I. I do know I had to pick the belt once. When my dad showed up once a year to give me his banking.

[Stephen Greer]

Did he snap it?

[Dana Carvey]

Go get the belt. I'm like. And then I got a drink. I go, you want a belt of whiskey? And he's like, nice try.

[Stephen Greer]

No, later on, I'd go back. I'll go back there for 10 minutes. Go. I couldn't find it, dude. He forgot. What did I need it for?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah, that's great. Okay. What's your other poop story? Hurry.

[Stephen Greer]

Sorry. My dad did not like to stop. So when we're driving in the station wagon to Montana, once you get going, you just keep going, you know, I gotta go, oh, Jesus Christ. You can go and win a mocha. And again, I'm three or four poo. My pants. Get to the Uncle Jack's house. He goes, hey, something smells coming out of the car. I go in the bathroom, take down My drawers and I see drawers situation. The only way to get clear is to get the underwear and get rid of them. You can't flush them, can't put them in the thing. So what I did was I crumpled up soiled underwear and I climbed. There was a window that I climbed out of, went in the backyard, dug a hole with my hands and buried the underwear.

[Dana Carvey]

Your underpants?

[Stephen Greer]

My. I buried my underpants? Now, your words, not mine. You took off your soiled drawers, climbed out a window and buried your under panties. Is that your testimony?

[Dana Carvey]

What grew a poop tree?

[Stephen Greer]

No, you're. Ten years later, they sold the house and some people were about to buy it, but then they went over there and they were kind of archaic, like a fossil thing. And they.

[Dana Carvey]

So, dude, this is the grossest.

[Stephen Greer]

I'm sorry. I've really turned.

[Dana Carvey]

No, I don't care.

[Stephen Greer]

Pop quiz. Best movie of 2024.

[Dana Carvey]

For real. Look at this.

[Stephen Greer]

We'll get myself.

[Dana Carvey]

I like your thumbs up. Oh, look at that.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah. Is Heather doing that?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, okay. This is a woman explaining to a cop, a real woman. She wants money for something. I can't remember. Go ahead, let me see. Gave her a 20 and she didn't give me nothing.

[Stephen Greer]

Why.

[Dana Carvey]

Why does she owe you $20$? I gave her a 20 bill. For what? For anything. I don't care whatever it's for. But she can give me my money back if she ain't gonna do nothing with it. Okay. Were you planning to buy some drugs or something? What kind of drugs are you wanting to buy?

[Stephen Greer]

Rock.

[Dana Carvey]

Rock. Yes, I was. You gave her $20? $20? She gave me some plaster. And now you want your $20 back because she didn't supply you with crack cocaine?

[Stephen Greer]

Well, she.

[Dana Carvey]

If she shouldn't give me nothing. No plaster, she should have said not.

[Stephen Greer]

What's going on around here?

[Dana Carvey]

A while ago, it used to be.

[Stephen Greer]

Some people live right over there.

[Dana Carvey]

Used to sell.

[Stephen Greer]

We were sitting out here on the porch in some chairs. So she said, y'all have anything to buy? I said, no, baby, we don't have nothing to sell. So she left one around the corner. Then she come back 10 minutes later, holler, give me my money. Back up.

[Dana Carvey]

No, you ain't buy nothing from here.

[Stephen Greer]

Don't disrespect my child.

[Dana Carvey]

This is my child.

[Stephen Greer]

I don't sell crack. I'm a prostitute.

[Dana Carvey]

I gave her.

[Stephen Greer]

Oh, my goodness. Lord have mercy.

[Dana Carvey]

This is the real world out there. I like the people call the cops. Why do they. Why do you want the cops involved in that?

[Stephen Greer]

I don't know. I'm processing the whole thing. I. This is where some of the 20 billion would get. Is to help rebuild that neighborhood and create jobs.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's rebuild it.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah, rebuild it. I mean, those are, you know, and give them some decent wage jobs, you.

[Dana Carvey]

Know, Listen, in every. Every city's got some tough neighborhoods that are.

[Stephen Greer]

I mean, I always think of you like great comedian and all that, but if.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

If it didn't happen, if you didn't figure out that was your calling, I always thought you would have been a great. A greeter at Best Buy.

[Dana Carvey]

Male prostitute.

[Stephen Greer]

Oh, at Best Buy.

[Dana Carvey]

Greater Best Buy.

[Stephen Greer]

You would sit up.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I would probably be pretty good.

[Stephen Greer]

Hey, welcome to Best Buy. Can I. You know, you would have been just great at that. Relax.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that the one where I have a blue shirt?

[Stephen Greer]

You'd have some kind of shirt or maybe red or some kind of Best Buy.

[Dana Carvey]

A blue. Blue shirt. I think so.

[Stephen Greer]

Blue and yellow.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I like.

[Stephen Greer]

Yellow are the colors.

[Dana Carvey]

I would like that. I would do that if I didn't do this. I always feel for people because I don't know, I have absolutely no skills. None.

[Stephen Greer]

Well, I always thought because I majored in broadcasting. Communication arts. What a goofy degree. A lot of people do. Well, maybe I could be a, you know, an AM or an fmd.

[Dana Carvey]

A radio announcer. Oh, dj. Yeah. Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

In a small like. Like in Santa Rosa or Fresno. This is the dang rock. I used to do this joke where it's. Let's see, what was it? It's like it's 219 in the city. 224 on the Dane Rock. So the Dane Rock always had a slightly different time.

[Dana Carvey]

Why is the Dane Rock ahead of time?

[Stephen Greer]

I don't know. It's 2. It's. It's 1228 in the city. 1247 on the Dane Rock.

[Dana Carvey]

That was the Dane Rocks. It's just so happening or something.

[Stephen Greer]

It was just Dana. Dana has a fm, you know, called the Danerock. Yours would have been. You're. It's. It' It's Spudley time in Spudville. I'm your host, David Spader.

[Dana Carvey]

No, I think I came up with a rap name. Here's my rap name. Pump Fake. You okay with that?

[Stephen Greer]

I'm thinking.

[Dana Carvey]

Are you in a jealous rage because it's so good?

[Stephen Greer]

I am a little jealous. I would be.

[Dana Carvey]

That's a good. I'm gonna find.

[Stephen Greer]

I would be. Let's see. No, no, I can't.

[Dana Carvey]

Don't worry. Heather will. Heather will help you kill time by sneezing a thousand more times.

[Stephen Greer]

I have one.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, you can be. You can be Push fight.

[Stephen Greer]

I would be no Concealed Weapons.

[Dana Carvey]

That's your whole name.

[Stephen Greer]

That Mean My name, rapper. And now a new song from no Concealed Weapons happens.

[Dana Carvey]

Ncw.

[Stephen Greer]

Ncw. It's not bad because I won't keep my caps in my cap in my ass. I say what could you go and you don't want to be last. I say gotta have a blast say it won't last. Get up in your face and I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

[Dana Carvey]

You're a regular machine gun scarecrow. No, he's good. Good. Very snappy tune. You got a toe tapper. All right, one more story. I got a million things to do. Dan, I don't know if we end with this. This is a fun Christmas story. Indonesia's old Christmas tradition of kidnapping the naughty kids. Look at this. I like Christmas music. There's uncle's grabbing kids and stuffing them. Would this not scare you, Dana? But right at the end, he says, okay, you're gonna be good, so you're gonna be good. Okay. All right. It's a fun lesson for all.

[Stephen Greer]

No, no, too harsh. When adults do do to little people, they forget how traumatizing it is.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

So the only thing would make up for that is other bigger guys come in, take the big guy, put him in a big bag.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

Then he prom.

[Dana Carvey]

You like the music, though? It's fun music during that. How about the videos of stupid parents inviting the Grinch over at night on Christmas Eve? And the kids go, bazzoodies. They cannot. It's too terrifying.

[Stephen Greer]

Oh, yeah, no, that's a terrifying. Did they see the movie Jim Carrey? I mean, and they do what they.

[Dana Carvey]

Do with Tick Tock. And they're like, here's my kid. I got some clicks.

[Stephen Greer]

Did you have a Santa? We had a neighbor. Bruce Stewart was his name. He owned a music store. He came over dressed as Santa.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, he was your local one on the street. You know, we only just next door.

[Stephen Greer]

Neighbor coming over to our house. We had five kids, maybe some friends there. And I'm like two and a half. And I'm thinking to myself, you're not Santa. That's. That's Bruce.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. My Santa at the mall used to flirt with me every year. And every time I'd sit there, he'd be like, you've been working out. I go, I'm six. No, I didn't know.

[Stephen Greer]

Remember the moment when you start stop believing in Santa? Claus or did you ever too horrible?

[Dana Carvey]

No, because I had to go home. It's always a kid at school wanting to ruin it for everyone, and I can't stand it. See, the last of your innocence is believing in Santa.

[Stephen Greer]

I don't remember believing, but I must.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, you never did.

[Stephen Greer]

I don't remember. But my. I might have it too. When do you go back to? I go back three, maybe first memory. Three.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, first memory is like three or four.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah, I think it's more like four. You're a little slow, Mom. Your mom?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah. Five.

[Stephen Greer]

You're. You were in the slow group for reading.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I was in four years in Michigan from zero to four, and all I remember is two memories. One in snow and one my mom out front. Maybe I was blanking it out.

[Stephen Greer]

0 to 4. I always wondered, how did people reminisce in the year two? Hey, when were we at the lake? I don't know. It might have been early one. I don't remember.

[Dana Carvey]

I think they say a caveman right now is like, seven is going to be my year. That's the new year is seven.

[Stephen Greer]

And why did they always have Native Americans? Is it true they always said I instead of their age, they go, I seen many winters. I mean, can't they just put a notch in a tree? I thought it was so patrizing. I see this many winters.

[Dana Carvey]

There you go. I was dating this girl, but let's just say she's seen a couple of winters. You know what I mean? She's getting up there. That's how they were rude back then.

[Stephen Greer]

Yeah. I think they had it better off than us.

[Dana Carvey]

All right, Dana, we really nailed it, right? At an hour, and then we'll have 45 minutes of commercials, so it should work out.

[Stephen Greer]

We're going to make the commercials extra fun, so stay tuned. I think they're scattered throughout our nonsense sense.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Stephen Greer]

Remember to smash that subscribe button.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, smash the.

[Stephen Greer]

Remember, it's free entertainment. It can always fast forward.

[Dana Carvey]

Dan and I are busting our humps over here.

[Stephen Greer]

We're just trying to lighten your day. Just lighten your day a little bit. We may change up our style soon. We're gonna see what happens in 2024.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I get a little more controversial. All right, I'll leave you with a flex. All right. Thanks for coming, everyone.

[Stephen Greer]

Thanks for being on my show. David.

[Dana Carvey]

It. Yeah, thanks for having me.

[Stephen Greer]

David Spade's been my guest.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay, bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey. Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.