SUPERFLY #50 - Prison S*X

Summary

Superfly #50 - Prison S*X Released on January 10, 2025

Host: David Spade
Co-Host: Dana Carvey
Presenter: Audacy

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Introduction

In the milestone episode of Superfly, titled "Prison S*X," longtime comedic duo Dana Carvey and David Spade dive into a myriad of topics ranging from personal anecdotes and pop culture riffs to current events and hilarious impressions. Hosted remotely for the first time, this episode showcases their signature humor, sharp wit, and effortless chemistry.

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Personal Stories and Reflections

Airbnb Adventures
Dana reminisces about a memorable Airbnb stay, highlighting the allure of personalized accommodations over traditional hotels.

Dana Carvey [00:29]: "I went down the memory lane on an Airbnb I occupied once, and it was... awesome. It's clean, it was tidy, it was beautiful, it was private."

David echoes the benefits of Airbnb, emphasizing the flexibility and privacy it offers.

David Spade [01:01]: "Sometimes I think if you get into an Airbnb and you see the convenience and all the things, you realize it might really be more tailored for you."

Broadcasting from Remote Locations
Dana points out that this episode marks the first time David has broadcasted remotely, leading to humorous exchanges about past remote broadcasts.

Dana Carvey [01:48]: "This is the first time on our podcast that David has broadcast from a remote location."

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Behind the Scenes: Paul McCartney Interview

Dana opens up about her experience interviewing Paul McCartney, expressing her regrets over not delving deeper into topics he preferred to avoid.

Dana Carvey [02:52]: "When I think about it, I regret not understanding the idea that I could bring up topics that he couldn't. Because he's a gentleman."

David shares his perspective on interviews, contrasting the superficiality of typical hospitality interactions with the more meaningful connections possible through platforms like Airbnb.

David Spade [03:00]: "It's hard to say, hey, because it's so personal."

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Current Events and Pop Culture

California Fire Crisis
The hosts discuss the devastating fires in Los Angeles, questioning the mismanagement that led to low fire hydrant levels.

David Spade [16:22]: "Why is that? I don't understand what's going on."

Dana humorously suggests running for LA County Supervisor to address the issue.

Dana Carvey [16:53]: "What's your job? Oh, I work for the water department. How are you doing? Just got fired."

Donald Trump's Rhetoric
A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to making fun of Donald Trump's speech patterns and grandiose plans to "take over" territories.

Heather Santoro [19:21]: "He's trying to say talk."

Dana Carvey [20:52]: "Donald Trump is so entertaining, I have to say, if you're not panicked by him, he's just funny."

The duo invents humorous scenarios where Trump renames and takes over places like Greenland and Panama Canal.

David Spade [21:50]: "We're gonna take over Greenland. We're going to call it Even More America."

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Humorous Takes on Online Platforms

OnlyFans Income Reality
Dana and David dissect the often exaggerated earnings of OnlyFans models, distinguishing between high-earning stars and the average creator.

Dana Carvey [39:02]: "They make $43 million in a year, which is insane. But the average OnlyFans girl makes about a thousand a month."

David mocks the disparity in earnings, highlighting the reality behind the glamorized image.

David Spade [39:37]: "The average OnlyFans girl makes about a thousand a month. That makes more sense."

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Sponsored Segments

Throughout the episode, Dana and David seamlessly integrate sponsored messages, promoting brands like Blue Nile, Kickoff, Ethos, and TurboTax with their characteristic humor.

David Spade [30:47]: "$50 off your purchase of 500 or more with code fly@blue nile.com."

Dana Carvey [31:51]: "Get out of town and hold the phone. $5 a month to get started."

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Lighthearted News Commentary

Prison Officer Scandal
The hosts comment on a headline about a prison officer being filmed having sex with an inmate, infusing humor into the discussion while acknowledging the seriousness of the situation.

Dana Carvey [35:00]: "There's been a lot of prison movies. I think Ben Stiller did one about female police officers having sex with inmates. So now it's a true story."

Animal-Related Human Deaths
David presents a quirky rundown of animals that cause human deaths, with Dana adding her comedic flair.

David Spade [59:46]: "Cows. Uses. Yeah. Horses even more. Lions and leopards make sense."

Dana Carvey [59:55]: "Snails kill us. Dogs number way above everyone else."

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Comedic Bits and Impressions

Dana shares funny impressions and bits, including a parody of New Trump's speech patterns and a playful take on classic characters like Johnny Carson and Popeye.

Dana Carvey [24:29]: "I start doing Johnny Carson getting pulled over for drunk driving. You know, sorry, officer, I didn't know I was swerving."

Dana Carvey [51:31]: "Greenland is covered 80% in ice. So is my wife."

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Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Dana and David reflect on their experiences, upcoming projects, and share a final laugh over their on-air mishaps and technical challenges.

David Spade [72:44]: "Miss you, Dana. I'll see you when I'm back."

Dana Carvey [73:00]: "This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Super Fly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade."

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Notable Quotes

• Dana Carvey [00:29]: "I went down the memory lane on an Airbnb I occupied once, and it was... awesome."

• David Spade [03:19]: "It's hard to say, hey, because it's so personal."

• Dana Carvey [16:53]: "What's your job? Oh, I work for the water department. How are you doing? Just got fired."

• David Spade [21:50]: "We're gonna take over Greenland. We're going to call it Even More America."

• Dana Carvey [39:02]: "They make $43 million in a year, which is insane. But the average OnlyFans girl makes about a thousand a month."

• David Spade [59:46]: "Cows. Uses. Yeah. Horses even more. Lions and leopards make sense."

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Conclusion

Superfly #50 - Prison SX* stands as a testament to Dana Carvey and David Spade's enduring partnership, blending humor with insightful commentary on contemporary issues. Whether they're dissecting pop culture phenomena, sharing personal stories, or delivering side-splitting impressions, the duo ensures their audience is entertained and engaged from start to finish.

Transcript

[David Spade]

The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy, jet black aluminum compared to previous generations. IPhone XS are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary.

[Dana Carvey]

I went down the memory lane on an Airbnb I occupied once, and it was. I'll just say it. Awesome. It's clean, it was tidy, it was beautiful, it was private. Great big kitchen right next to a forest. What's not to like, David?

[David Spade]

You check that box thing. I'd like to be near a forest. That's a good thing. A lot of people like Airbnb because you can do that. You can say, hey, I want a place with a pickleball court. You know, and they can find.

[Dana Carvey]

You can be in town, you can be in the suburbs, you can be in the country. I mean, you can have a pool. You cannot have a pool. I mean, the benefits of Airbnb are just the flexibility of it.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

And the locations and privacy compared to hotels.

[David Spade]

Listen, hotels are fine, and. And that's great, but sometimes I think if you get into an Airbnb and you see the convenience and all the things, you have to walk by people in the hallway and nod, get on the elevator and talk about the weather, so you realize that it might really be more tailored for you. And it's the turns into the perfect accommodation, whether you're with family, friends, whatever, you're on your own, you know, Consider Airbnb for your next adventure. I don't think you'll regret the switch we're starting. This is. This is big time.

[Dana Carvey]

This is the first time on our podcast that David has broadcast from a remote location.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, wait a minute. You did it for Paul McCartney.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, McCartney. We were scrambling in New York to do it in our little crummy hotel rooms. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Interview of my life in two hours of tech pressure.

[David Spade]

God dang it.

[Dana Carvey]

Darn it. Go, darling.

[David Spade]

I've probably never been more nervous for an interview. And I see us as equals, me and Paul, so it sort of calmed me down.

[Dana Carvey]

I have so much regret about everything I do. The last. The last sketch I did on snl, Sam Bondo or the hey, Bonjean. I don't know what I was doing out there, and I just ran off, and all I heard was crickets. So that tortured me over the holiday. It's a sickness. And then with Paul McCartney for the last two years, when I think about it, I regret not understanding the idea that I could bring up topics that he couldn't. Because he's a gentleman.

[David Spade]

Yes.

[Dana Carvey]

And so that, that really, you know. Do you ever have any kind of regrets about anything? I've never asked.

[David Spade]

Well, there's. I do all the time, of course. Daily. But McCartney, you know, it's hard to ask about Lennon because Lennon died. Spoiler. But I, I. It's hard to say, hey, because it's so personal. Meanwhile, every interview, anyone asks me about anything personal, they don't care at all.

[Dana Carvey]

Right. They want to ruffle feathers. We just show respect for him. He showed respect for his bandmates. But if the host, in this case, you and I. Yeah. Brought up something like, who did the baseline there? And who wrote that middle eight? And did you help George with this part or anything like that in Liverpudly? In terms of, like, well, I don't.

[Heather Santoro]

Want to be a showboater.

[Dana Carvey]

You know?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Heather Santoro]

I don't want to be a chess thumper.

[David Spade]

He's. He's humble about.

[Dana Carvey]

He's a gentleman. He's a gentleman.

[David Spade]

We should have been, you know, fluffing his feathers a little bit. But I think he's been fluffy.

[Dana Carvey]

I think he got over that podcast.

[David Spade]

Yeah. He's okay with it. One second after, he's like, google those guys. Let me see what I was just doing.

[Heather Santoro]

All I know is your entertainers, your entertainment.

[Dana Carvey]

Anyway, so here we are.

[David Spade]

And he thought he was on Good Morning America, and it was going way long.

[Dana Carvey]

He thought I was Mat Lauer.

[Heather Santoro]

I didn't hear.

[Dana Carvey]

I never knew about the contrast.

[David Spade]

Katie Couric.

[Heather Santoro]

He's got a great wig, whatever it is, on the top of his Scully skull.

[David Spade]

Ms. Scully, by the way, Dana, I think for the first time, viewers, millions of our viewers, should know that I'm doing this, your trick, in front of a window. I'm not in love with it already, but I always have these trusty shades next to me. Like, one time you wore shades. Remember we were doing in the.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah. When I used to wear funny hats and shades. That was before the podcast got monetized.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

People started calling a little serious.

[David Spade]

That's before it blew up. But, yeah, now I'm looking out the window and I see why. It's blinding. But you have good eyes, so it's.

[Dana Carvey]

Do I. No one's ever said that to me except my wife.

[David Spade]

You know who someone said to me, the other day, I walked in this store. Why am I leaning? I walked in the store, just a regular dip. I see something in the window, tricked me to go in. And then the lady who's very eclectic looked a little like Stevie Nicks. She just goes up. She goes, I like your look. I like the whole thing. And I go, I never get that, dude.

[Dana Carvey]

Do you think she knew who you were?

[David Spade]

I don't think that fast. She was. She was. Because she didn't say anything. And I go, oh, yeah, I don't. I don't get that. She goes, yeah, just.

[Dana Carvey]

No, I like any itemization here. Is it the. The scruff? Is. Is it the hair slick back? Is it the shades?

[David Spade]

It was what I was wearing the shade. I was just really nailing it. And like, 10 out of 10. I mean, that's usually what I think, but no one's ever said. I mean, there's the Kate Spade of the family, and then there's the D. Spade. And I was never that one. Even Kate and Andy would be.

[Dana Carvey]

Pop quiz for you. When you pream and primp and all that stuff before you're going to leave your house for.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Whatever activity do you have, what goes through your head like. Or do you ever think to yourself, I look pretty good today?

[David Spade]

Yeah, I've had. I thought that, like, right now on this camera, I don't look too bad. But for me, that's.

[Dana Carvey]

For me, I think it looks as good as your studio. I mean.

[David Spade]

Yeah. No, I mean, I'm just saying. I combed my hair back and I got my hair trimmed the other day, so it's a little shorter on the sides, you know, but the idea of I look in the mirror maybe three times a day. I was trying to think of it the other day. I don't. Unless I comb my hair. Cause I have to see myself. I don't look before I go out at night. I don't do any of that stuff. And I should. But sometimes it's not what I'm looking for when I see the answer.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, there's your emotional brain and your logical brain. If you're at a restaurant with someone and you go use the restroom and you look in the mirror and you do a little readjusting your hair, you know, that no human being on earth would notice any difference except you.

[David Spade]

And you know what? You look at that you think is rough. But. So anyway, I do find a way to get out of the house. And this. How. This sweater is totally Kanye. Can you see? I have so Many holes in it. Because the moths went at it and I grabbed the wrong one.

[Dana Carvey]

You have moths in your holes.

[David Spade]

See that? So I walk in there and I go, what are you doing? Moths. They're like, nothing. We didn't do anything. This is Cashew.

[Dana Carvey]

Hey, you should go on SNL and dress up as a moth like Sarah.

[David Spade]

Oh, and go do update.

[Dana Carvey]

Eat Colin Quinn. Suitor Colin.

[David Spade]

And now we're gonna hear from Spade's moth that lives in his closet. And I come out, I'm fucking stuffed.

[Dana Carvey]

And you're all got little feathers. Yep.

[David Spade]

Do they have feathers?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I don't know what they got saying someone's got booked for the 50th. I'm texting Lauren right now.

[David Spade]

I'd say, I know we're trying to make the show. We're trying to keep it to seven and a half hours. Spade wants to do moth guy.

[Dana Carvey]

You know, we can put a light.

[David Spade]

And I go, there's a light. Gotta go.

[Dana Carvey]

It's a clever thing that Bowen started, I think. Or lit it up with his iceberg character. Titanic thing. And then it. Sarah's got her stuff and then he did the drone and he's done. He's done other things. So I think you as a moth. I'm just going to make a note to self.

[David Spade]

I will have. I have a question for you, Dana. Obviously I'm going to jump around here. Obviously we do on a flight. You don't like people hacking and coughing.

[Dana Carvey]

Obviously I'm going to. I'm going to say yes.

[David Spade]

I was in a restaurant the other day sitting in a Six top lingo. I have to know this because of the busboys movie. Six Top.

[Dana Carvey]

I know.

[David Spade]

You know, for being a bus. Boys.

[Dana Carvey]

Boys. Yeah. I can consult on the movie. By the way. You can use this. We didn't call ourselves busboys because we wanted to get girlfriends. So what do you do? I'm a table maintenance personnel manager.

[David Spade]

Jesus. Administrator. That's good.

[Dana Carvey]

Table maintenance personnel manager.

[David Spade]

Fred Wolf used to say, people, yeah. He says, I'm a dishwasher. So if girls say, are you a dishwasher? They go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm the chairman of IBM.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. That's another way.

[David Spade]

It sounds better. It's another way to go. So I go in and there was a sick person the week before. Fine. I go in and sit at a six top because it's early and I always sit there. And then the waitress comes up and she's like, they're all very nice. Let's just start this is just for entertainment purposes. Yeah, the very, like, full deathbed. And I'm like, hey. And she's like, I can't. You know what? I'm not going to take your order. I'm probably just going to get out of here. And I go, great idea. You know, because nobody wants to get sick. I would love to say, you know what? I can't get sick. I'm starting this movie. You don't have to. Nobody wants to get sick. So I shouldn't even have to say that. I just go, yeah, that's probably the best idea. And she goes, ah, yeah. I feel, like, still air coming out. So I'm like, okay. And then she goes, it's actually started last night. I was feeling so bad. I'm like, there's. This is a wrap. We know.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm.

[David Spade]

I 100 believe you. And then she goes, I'm actually going to talk to the manager, see if I can just punch out. And I go, I'll call corporate. Just. Just go. We'll figure this out on the way home. Just because it's all. You know, there's dust from COVID in the air. I can feel it. You know, there's omnicrons big enough you can almost see him with your eye. So she leaves. She goes in the back. Another waiter comes up. No, another waiter. And he goes, I know, but hey, man. I go, hey, she. Is she okay? She's feeling bad. He goes, yeah, she. She actually left the other day. She was feeling bad. I'm like, oh, she's back. Okay. So I go, great. All right, let's. All right, let's order up. And he goes, to be honest, I'm not feeling a thousand percent. Jeez, 1000% either. I'm like. So I hustle through my order, then I go talk to my buddy there. And then I. And then when I look back, they go, foods here. I look back, and the waitress sat kitty corner for me at that table. So I go, wait a minute.

[Dana Carvey]

Is she dressed? I mean, she took off her. I mean, she's. Now she's joining you.

[David Spade]

She's probably looking for a ventilator. She's so sick that I want to just take a small propane flamethrower and just cover the table just to kill some of it, you know? But she sits. And then I go. And I sit because I have to sit in front of my breakfast. I don't know what to do, to be rude. All of it's about not being an asshole. And the biggest craz. The craziest part of me is that I sit there, aim straight ahead, and she's like, sweat hitting the table. And I'm like, it's a good effect. It's sickening. And just full on, like, writing out her will. And then she. After about four solid minutes of silence, she goes, you don't mind if I sit here, do you? I go, not at all. Why, am I a psycho? I go, not at all.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I'm staying. You have to. And just promise me you will stop eating at Denny's. This is clearly Denny's. No, I told the lady.

[David Spade]

I told her, promise me you're not gonna leave. I'm so overly nice. Dana, you're like this too. You're overly nice, and you're like, no, there's nothing you're doing that bothers me. Please stay and get better. Just stay here throughout your sickness and get better.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, did she at least do six feet away? I mean, how. What are we talking here, like a two footer?

[David Spade]

She was probably three and a half feet. But then I'm like, I hear some noise. I'm like, oh, I guess that's you're being choppered out of here. Get the.

[Dana Carvey]

I got cocky because I don't think I had a cold for a year. And then everyone at SNL's got a cold, and I got cocky. I actually thought to myself, yeah, I. Some get colds. I don't know what's wrong.

[David Spade]

When you were doing snl, you know, everyone's calling.

[Dana Carvey]

I just don't.

[David Spade]

It's invincible.

[Dana Carvey]

It's not my thing. It's not my brand. It's not who I am. I don't get colds. Next morning. Razor blade. Razor blade. Every time you swat, swallow is not a good way to get a good slumber. Speedle spadle.

[David Spade]

When you catch yourself swallowing and then you swallow again and it hurts, you go, oh, no, I can't stop swallowing. That's the grossest feeling.

[Dana Carvey]

Like, well, you try to go, well, I was yelling last night at David Spade, you know, just tearing him a new one about the podcast.

[David Spade]

Maybe give me your notes for my Hunter Biden, who are just like, screams. You're like, great stuff. We slammed the door here.

[Dana Carvey]

What are you doing? You call yourself Hunter Biden. You ain't a hunter and you're biding your time to stardom. No, you crushed it. Tom Hanks told me specifically isolated me. No, he's very. Said very nice things about your Hunter Biden, and he's probably the greatest actor in. In our generation. So Take praise from that dude.

[David Spade]

Also, when I left the restaurant that day, of course, I went around the corner and took a Silkwood shower. Like Meryl Streep when she went through. You're like a permanent meme. Every.

[Dana Carvey]

All your expressions and the sound effect. You're like just a series of memes. We got to get a cartoon caricature of you and make these memes. And I'm in the shower, you see David.

[David Spade]

Well, do you remember Silkwood? This is aging our audience.

[Dana Carvey]

But of course, Cher. Meryl Streep. Duh.

[David Spade]

What happens to Meryl Streep? There's a leak of the radiation.

[Dana Carvey]

They're trying to do the China syndrome. Didn't quite make it. Yeah, without the syndrome, without Janie Fonda and her sleeveless top. I don't know what that means.

[David Spade]

Showing her cleavage. No, there's a better word.

[Dana Carvey]

So what are we doing with Meryl Streep and chair? Do we have any connection?

[David Spade]

I was saying that when she got a rip or something in her outfit and they said she might have gotten radiation, they go, come here for a second. Two. Two seconds. Stripped down, and they put her in the shower and scrubbed her with steel wool or something, and she was screaming. And that reminded me of me leaving the restaurant.

[Dana Carvey]

Radiation is actually maybe not that bad for you. It was kind of exaggerated. Oh, we get radiation all the time.

[David Spade]

You know, because the next day I went in, I go, what was wrong with that lady? They go, oh, she had bad radiation. I go, oh, Dana said, that's fine.

[Dana Carvey]

Again. You're like a meme staring at something you don't want to see. Give me the look. Oh, no, that's more funny. Serious. That's cool.

[David Spade]

Also, Dana, we were talking about, oh, there's a big fire in la and we can't make light of it. It's actually a thousand percent terrifying because it's. We're doing this the day before, so we don't know where the fire is now, but it's very bad. And my big thing about it is Heather can look this up. Is there no water in the fire hydrants? Is that even possible? Yeah, I know they can't fly over because the wind. They will be probably maybe by tonight or tomorrow, but there's no tr. It's like, how do you even try to stop it without dropping.

[Dana Carvey]

They went to fire hydrants, and some of them had no water.

[David Spade]

Why is that? I don't understand what's going on.

[Dana Carvey]

I would need more information to have a strong opinion, but it seems like, you know, Kind of a trying to suppress water or something. I don't know. I don't know. If a fire hydrant has no water, what is it?

[David Spade]

Former LA water commissioner says mismanagement led to low hydrant levels. They ran out in the Palisades, so some human beings.

[Dana Carvey]

What's your job? Oh, I work for the water department. What is it? To make sure all the fire hydrants are full in la. How you doing? Just got fired.

[David Spade]

I just got fired because I haven't really even checked on them because there's not that many.

[Dana Carvey]

I knew they were pretty full, but it was higher.

[David Spade]

I heard that. I just read, obviously everything I say is a lie, but I read that they had to cut budget last year and they did cut maybe 16 million, whatever that means in this grand scheme of things from the fire department. Now if there has been horrible fires, I mean they got to weigh it all out in fairness. Not a good, not a good look.

[Dana Carvey]

We're the most fire of this world, my life. High winds and the sparking towers made in 1870. I mean the idea of, it's called essential services. Fire department, police department. I mean there's more, but those are the big two.

[David Spade]

Garbage.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, but you would survive garbage sitting on your sidewalk. But fire department, police department, department. I'm just going to say I'm going to call bullshit on that funding if that's true. And by the way, I'm running for LA County Supervisor. Geez Louise. Steve McQueen just walked into the podcast. David put on his superstar shades.

[David Spade]

I put on my Dana shades. Too bright. Now, Dana, let's move on from the fire because it's too tragic to even talk about. It's probably the worst fire ever. I've been there and it's only.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh no, no, it's, it's horrible. That's all we're saying is that we, we, we're in show business. So we know a few of these people that are being affected. And it's also true in California it is sometimes almost impossible to get home insurance because a lot of the companies left. And so that's a double whammy if your house is going up and you don't have insurance.

[David Spade]

So anyway, and I think Florida is having the same problem with hurricane insurance. Like any insurance where the insurance tax actually pay you, then they go, wait.

[Dana Carvey]

I know someone who lives there. And his insurance home insurance tripled because two hurricanes hit it within two years. So, you know, what can I say?

[David Spade]

Okay, Dan, anything else before we get to the news?

[Dana Carvey]

And well, I just wanted to Observe a few funny things. Because I'm watching New Trump.

[David Spade]

New Trump, yeah, that was good last week.

[Dana Carvey]

And some of his phrases are like this.

[David Spade]

They've.

[Heather Santoro]

Nobody's ever seen it. Nobody's ever seen anything like it before. Nobody's ever seen it. No one's seen a case like that. They never done it before. And all they do.

[Dana Carvey]

And this is what he says, talk. He makes a very specific mouth, which I'll do for our listeners and viewers.

[David Spade]

Okay.

[Heather Santoro]

They've never seen it before. They've never seen anything like it. They never have. It's never happened before, quite frankly. All they do is tuck. All they do is tuck. All they do. I'm telling you, all they do is duck. They just talk. They just talk. It's that far. They talk. They talk. They just talk. Then it goes back normal. I don't know what. Doing what they're doing, but all they do is talk. They talk.

[David Spade]

It does go. It's kind of when he went, China.

[Heather Santoro]

That's right. They go, China. They go. They've never seen it. And they're doing things you wouldn't believe. And all they do, by the way, all they do is talk. They're all talk and no action.

[David Spade]

He used to sing that all.

[Heather Santoro]

The only time he makes this specific lips like this. All talk, no action. All talk, no action.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm trying to give Patrick, our editor, different angles.

[David Spade]

It's funny. It's like that old song. All they do to me is duck.

[Heather Santoro]

Talk, remember?

[David Spade]

Talk. Talk.

[Heather Santoro]

All they do. And we're looking at things and we're seeing things and all they do is duck.

[David Spade]

He's trying to say talk.

[Heather Santoro]

They talk and they talk and they never stop talking.

[David Spade]

I like the mouth.

[Dana Carvey]

All right, now I have Trump. The other funny thing is I.

[David Spade]

We don't need anything else. That's unreal.

[Dana Carvey]

Trump is so entertaining, I have to say, if you're not panicked by him, he's just funny. I mean, he's coming out now. He wants Panama Canal. He wants Greenland. He's taking over.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's.

[Heather Santoro]

We're gonna straight. We're gonna take over Greenland. We're taking over Greenland. We're gonna. We're going to take it over. We're going to call it Even More America. That's the new name of that place. Even More. Even More America. We're taking over the Panama Canal. We're going to take it because we build it. We build it. And all they do is talk. All talk. We're going to call it USA Super, Super Canal. We're taking over Tahiti and Bora Bora. Tahiti and Bora Bora. This is not talk. It's not talk. We're taking over Tahiti and we're calling it the Beautiful American Islands. And by the way, Canada is now we're taking them over. It's going to be called Amerida. We're calling it Amerida. It's America. Canada. America.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Maybe super America up there.

[Heather Santoro]

It never made any sense. We've got Alaska up there, then we've got a ton of Canada. Then we've got America.

[David Spade]

We're just trying too much Canada between here and Alaska. Right.

[Heather Santoro]

It's like, you know, it's like if Florida was another country. It's like a thumb hanging off America. But it's ours. It's totally ours. You know Ponce de Leon? Ponce de Leon. You remember him. A lot of people talk about Ponce de Leon. Look, the fountain of youth in Canada. But all they do is duck. All they do is duck.

[Dana Carvey]

That's my new toy today. It's all they do.

[David Spade]

I like it.

[Dana Carvey]

He did it. We can cut this. He did a 20 minute rant on.

[Heather Santoro]

Electric heaters versus gas heaters. You know what Biden was what they want, they want electric heaters. You get them, they don't work very well. You get itchy. Quite frankly, you get itchy with electric. The gas is better, it looks better. It heats you up like you wouldn't believe. And they're canceling water. They're making dishwashers that don't have hardly any water. You put your stuff in there, it comes out, it's not clean. You got to run it 10 times and you end up using, you end.

[Dana Carvey]

Up using more water. By the way, to our audience, these are direct quotes.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Heather Santoro]

The dishwashers, the washers, they don't have a lot of water. They're worried about water. Even though we have places, it's coming down from heaven.

[Dana Carvey]

We have so much water.

[Heather Santoro]

They want to stop the water in your washer. You wash your clothes, they come out with the dirty. You got to do it 10, 20 times 10, doing more water. And all they do is talk.

[David Spade]

I will say, if California has to do electric cars by 2030, I'm not ready. I, I'm not throwing away my cars because just during this fire, a lot of electricity is out. So now where are you?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, we go electric and then gas and energy prices go down because we're not using any of it. And then the CO2 goes up. There's a thousand metrics into this idea of the planet warming. Let's talk about it, people, rather than just do things emotionally. I like my hybrid.

[David Spade]

Sorry, duck.

[Heather Santoro]

They talk. That's all they do is talk.

[David Spade]

Gotta start them up again.

[Heather Santoro]

And no one's ever seen it. No one's ever seen anything like this. No one's ever seen it. No one's ever seen it. And all they do is talk.

[Dana Carvey]

It has to be Mar a Lago.

[David Spade]

We all have a lot of dirty dishes.

[Dana Carvey]

And I have one more thing I was gonna do because I had so much fun the last snl. A lot of our friends were there, Tina and everybody.

[David Spade]

And.

[Dana Carvey]

But I hadn't seen Jimmy Fallon in a while. So the minute. The minute I see him, he's like, so much fun. And it's such an upper.

[David Spade]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

He goes, oh, hey, this is crazy. Dana Carvey. Oh, what's going on? Dana Carvey. Hey. So I start doing Johnny Carson getting pulled over for drunk driving. You know, sorry, officer, I didn't know I was swerving.

[Heather Santoro]

I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook, and Jimmy blew a.

[Dana Carvey]

Gasket like his head. Oh, my God. Oh, it's so funny. Jim Carson pull over, and he's talking to Tom Hanks. Johnny Carson pulled over. Don't drag me. Hey, I had a tomato. Boom, Boom. The desperate sponge. Dana Carvey is so funny. All they do is. All they do is joke.

[David Spade]

Keep going.

[Dana Carvey]

Anyway, I just had so much fun. So here's Jimmy Fallon getting. Gets a. Gets the check in a restaurant.

[Heather Santoro]

I'll take the check.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, my God. This is insane. Look at this check. Oh, my God. It's out of my mind. I can't believe it. It's insane.

[David Spade]

That's it.

[Dana Carvey]

That's it.

[David Spade]

It's a little wispy, but I like it.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I took it really far, so. All right, we have six minutes.

[David Spade]

Well, no, we have. We. I have to say that the pickup on last week's show, you know, every week they pick some article, some crazy stuff you said.

[Dana Carvey]

What did. What got picked up.

[David Spade]

Yeah, well, I didn't read the article because I just thought it was about that we said, I can't believe people text Lauren. Because I could, right? But it was nothing negative. I'm like, I wish I could have gotten to Lauren. It was like that 9th floor door is shut. You're not talking to him. You know. You know what I mean? You have to get an appointment. And.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, you know, I saw that and I thought about it later, and the. What? We didn't have to call Lauren, we'd have to go to our office, dial 9, get a landline number.

[David Spade]

See, it's fun.

[Heather Santoro]

Hello?

[Dana Carvey]

Hi, Lauren. It's Dana. I'm in my office. Eight, six.

[David Spade]

Lauren's not here right now.

[Dana Carvey]

Lauren's not here already. Now, let me give you to Marcy. Hi, it's Marcy.

[David Spade]

Yeah, so I felt like it sounded like I was being negative, that, oh, I was making fun of. I didn't see this part till today, that. In that. In that meeting between Dress and Air that Lauren is talking, and he told Sarah Sherman, I just love making fun of Sarah Sherman. And she goes. And he goes, sarah, you have to face forward a little more, just so the light hits you. She goes, I'll try.

[Dana Carvey]

I'll try.

[David Spade]

It was funny.

[Dana Carvey]

Sarah's her child. She just says what's on her mind. And she's very open. You know, she's hilarious, and she's hilarious. And so I could see the way she would be casual with Lauren would just sort of work. Like, why it would be cute.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. Well, all right. But I think that we were in those early days maybe. I don't know, we just weren't as familiar with Lauren. Lauren was our boss, the executive producer, the guy who started Saturday Night Live. And so I think for a few. It took me a while to get comfortable with Lauren, because the. The way I really got to know Lauren. Maybe you could chime in on this. Is when you go back and you host and then you're kind of hanging out with Lauren a lot as a.

[David Spade]

Host, it's a different thing.

[Dana Carvey]

And you're seeing how he's just casually always producing. It's just put over there. Maybe he put. Let's move this. I think the color opening is fine. All I'm saying is. And so you realize. And also when you see him on the floor, you know the guy is. He. He cares about that show. First of all, he's so freaking happy when the show works or the cold opening works. And if it's starting to go sideways, this is why no one else does live comedy sketch, because it's so fucking hard. So anyway, you get to know Lauren, but the idea that Sarah has it already and is sort of friendly with him. Yeah, Yeah.

[David Spade]

I mean, did you ever walk by Lauren and see him in the hallway and go, hey, Lauren, I'm going to Huxley's. You want me to grab you a tuna melt? Actually, why don't you come with me? Yeah, come with you. What?

[Dana Carvey]

Lauren, we're going to the comedy strip.

[David Spade]

Come on, man, Marcy would tackle me. Yeah, she could, too. Listen, it's a new year. New year of proposals.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, yeah. Lots of co people popping the big question. Sure, it's a huge moment, but what they don't tell you is how many decisions you have to make when choosing the perfect engagement ring.

[David Spade]

David, there's. I can think of six questions off top of my head. Shape, size, color, cut, clarity, carrots, you know.

[Dana Carvey]

Damn, that's fantastic. Off the top of your head. No, there's no place better to start than bluenile.com because they know what she wants, and so it's time to learn fast.

[David Spade]

Yeah, they do this every day. They know. They'll take the guesswork out for you guys don't know anything. I don't know anything. You know, you go in there, bluenile.com you'll create a bigger, more brilliant engagement ring than you can imagine. Price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. That's been since 1999. They've been the original online jeweler.

[Dana Carvey]

That's right. They've always been committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases, they'll meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond.

[David Spade]

And you know, it's a surprise usually. So it'll stay safe because every Blue Nile order is insured, arrives in packaging. They won't give away what's inside. Most cases even delivered overnight, Blue nile has a 100% satisfaction guarantee with free shipping and returns. So you can make sure the ring you pick is the one. Love can last forever. But, you know, you get free service and repairs for life, so you're covered.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow. I mean, come on. If you're going to make a move, you got to use Blue Blue Nile. Don't wander downtown. Have some guy. We got. Let me get that eyepiece out. You can check out the diamond. If you win, you want it?

[David Spade]

And the Dick A. Wyman.

[Dana Carvey]

We got one. We got one made of wood. We jotted up twice.

[David Spade]

Right now, $50 off your purchase of 500 or more with code fly@blue nile.com. that's $50 off with code fly@blue nile dot com.

[Dana Carvey]

That's blue nile dot com.

[David Spade]

Well, it's January, Dana. I don't know if you have. Check the calendar, but.

[Dana Carvey]

I don't check the calendar, but I just sense the holidays are over. The hustle and the bustle and the rustle and the.

[Heather Santoro]

The whole.

[Dana Carvey]

The turkey and the trees and The Santa and the. It's over.

[David Spade]

But it's over. Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

It's now time to recover. Think a little bit. You know, after all that holiday spending, you know who you are.

[David Spade]

It's a hangover for your credit.

[Dana Carvey]

That's right. I say, yeah, you got to get back on track in 2025.

[David Spade]

Yep. This is the year start building. Build your credit with Kickoff. You know what Kickoff is one of our sponsors.

[Dana Carvey]

The number one credit building app in the App Store. That Kickoff.

[David Spade]

Okay. Their. Their plan starts at just $5 a month. There's no credit check.

[Dana Carvey]

Get out of town and hold the phone. $5 a month to get started.

[David Spade]

No hidden fees, no interest. Not too shabby.

[Dana Carvey]

That's the key is credit. Building credit. Because without credit, you're. You're in a tough spot. Kickoff helps you build that credit.

[David Spade]

Let's say you want to get a car this year. You want to do anything that involves credit. Lower level, bigger scale. You got to build it up. You got to start somewhere.

[Dana Carvey]

Right? And so this way it always seems overwhelming. How do I do it? And Kickoff kind of starts you slow. And then slowly but surely you can.

[David Spade]

Let's say your credit. I don't know what yours is, Dana. Let's say it's 600. Right. You could jump 28 points in the first month.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow.

[David Spade]

And that's noticeable. That's a chunk.

[Dana Carvey]

That's. Kickoff is smart. It's. It's a legit credit hack with no catch. You know what I'm saying? No credit check, no hidden fees, no interest. Hello.

[David Spade]

You start building credit immediately for only $1 your first month.

[Dana Carvey]

Now that is, that's.

[David Spade]

That just says that everyone smallest amount.

[Dana Carvey]

And engaged with kickoff $1 a month just to build slowly. You know what compounding is, David?

[David Spade]

How things I sort of over time.

[Dana Carvey]

We'll talk later.

[David Spade]

By the way, in the App Store, it has over a hundred thousand positive reviews.

[Dana Carvey]

Wow. 98% or five stars. Sounds familiar.

[David Spade]

Like my act. Listen, shake off the credit card hangover and look forward to a brighter credit with kickoff. Get your first month for just a dollar at get kickoff.com superfly today.

[Dana Carvey]

That's 80 off kickoff without the C. Get K I k o f f.com.

[David Spade]

Superfly must sign via getkickoff.com Superfly to activate offer. Offer applies to new customers. First month only. Subject to approval. Offer subject to change terms and conditions may apply. Point stat based on Equifax Vantage Score.

[Dana Carvey]

3.0 changes for kickoff users starting under 600 who made their first on time payment between January 2021 and March 2024. Payment and credit activity outside kickoff can have an impact on your credit. Individual results may vary.

[David Spade]

Okay. All right, let's get back to really important things. What are our dumb stories we're talking about?

[Dana Carvey]

Let's get some headlines going.

[David Spade]

My forehead looks the same color as the wall behind me. I guess that's.

[Dana Carvey]

That's a funny observation. And true. They mix together, good or bad.

[David Spade]

Look at that, Heather. You see? My forehead looks the same color as the wall.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay. People driving. Prison officer filmed having sex with inmate admits another incident on same day. And this is a female prison officer.

[David Spade]

The officer is the guy or the girl. Let me see.

[Dana Carvey]

That's not true.

[David Spade]

Only fans model.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, so she's a prison officer and an only fans model.

[David Spade]

Wait, she was jailed after. Oh, she's the officer.

[Dana Carvey]

You could tell? We don't look at these ahead of time, folks.

[David Spade]

No, that's good. We don't.

[Dana Carvey]

That's true.

[David Spade]

Okay, so she caught on her body cam. What are you.

[Dana Carvey]

What.

[David Spade]

I'm not saying the word dip, but you. I mean, she knows she's doing. Does she air that as part of her only fans? I'm sure. I mean, why else that. And you're going to get caught.

[Dana Carvey]

There's been a lot of prison movies. I think Ben Stiller did one about female police officers having sex with inmates. So now it's a true story.

[David Spade]

Listen, I'm not. I'm fine with it. Hey, scroll down a little bit because I want to read that. It says it's a funny word. Prison officer filmed having sex with a burglar in his prison cell.

[Dana Carvey]

Why did they still specific who calls.

[David Spade]

Anyone a burglar anymore?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, first of all, that's a pretty. I mean, it's awful if you're a burglar, but that. That means it's someone trying to get into a house without hurting anybody and just get the freak out.

[David Spade]

Is that what it means?

[Dana Carvey]

I think a burglar is just sort of trying to sneak in and sneak out. Not.

[David Spade]

Your house is burgled.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, they would do it if. If, like, say you were not in your house right now and you're at a other location. It'd be a perfect time for someone to burglar. Oh, forget. Sorry I brought that up.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I've been burgled. That's a word that would be.

[Dana Carvey]

You've been burgled.

[David Spade]

Yeah, well, as we said, the Hamburglar, I never saw him actually in jail. He was always out on parole. Well, my forehead is exactly the color now as the sheets.

[Dana Carvey]

No, it was. It was like Heather took was painting the wall and just happened to slap your forehead.

[David Spade]

Make a little less so because Dana looks like he's got some color in his face. No, but look, I wanna.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I have different.

[David Spade]

Oh yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm facing a window for editing. Ring lights that have color.

[David Spade]

We look pretty good. No one's going to notice this. We'll do a new story. Oh, good.

[Heather Santoro]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

You look fantastic.

[David Spade]

Everyone's running like a chicken with their head cut off because I moved the curtain two inches.

[Dana Carvey]

Anyway, like Woody Allen came out for a second.

[David Spade]

Please me throw the earth off its axis. Okay, what's next?

[Dana Carvey]

My forehead's the color of the. The ramada hen.

[David Spade]

Please rent an ad on my forehead for the thigh on the wall. Also Superfly. It's all available. What is this? Oh, hang on. Oh, this is a different only fans girl saying how much the one we did a report on actually makes. Okay, let's see if it's shocking or not.

[D]

The rain really making. I'm gonna be giving you some insider.

[David Spade]

Too much is the answer from an of girl myself.

[D]

I know we've all seen outf of her making $43 million in a year, which is insane. But this is in the number and a lot of things are going to be coming out of this. For example, right off the top, only fans is going to be taking 23 million drops to 34.4 million. Now, somebody of her caliber definitely has an agency to help with marketing and posting. This agency also takes a percentage and agencies in general take a percentage of anywhere from 15 to all the way up to 60 something right in the middle 25. Now it drops her income down to 22.4 million.

[David Spade]

And then nobody is exempt video have to pay taxes. Oh yeah.

[D]

Welcome to the club basin of Florida. And you're making over a million dollars a year.

[Dana Carvey]

Right.

[D]

Your average tax percentage should be around 35%. We take 35% off of the 22 million and now we are all the way down to $14.5 million. Take home. Which is still a huge amount of money.

[David Spade]

Yeah. No.

[Dana Carvey]

All right, first of all, you want to be an agent in that story.

[David Spade]

They start with 60. And then if people go. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, they go, no, I'm saying 50. And then they grind them down to what, 15 was it?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, she's got 14 million net. Net net. That's pretty good.

[David Spade]

How embarrassing.

[Dana Carvey]

I know, but 14 miles, that's like.

[David Spade]

Literally zero for an only fans model. But did you hear and we could probably look this up. Another one of my lies that I heard. The average only fan girl makes about a thousand a month.

[Dana Carvey]

That makes sense.

[David Spade]

That makes more sense. Right? Because not everyone has a huge audience. You could say I'm taking off my clothes. Hey everybody, you have to let your followers know. And if you don't, then you're okay.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, wow. We're saying we're getting a news flash that you get 150, 180 per month. Most, most, only fans. Wow.

[David Spade]

2,000 a year. That's, that's the tough decision because you only hear these stories of how great it is.

[Dana Carvey]

Now you're high profile scene in a G string and you're making 150amonth. Then you gotta check what's going on with your person. I mean, what is that?

[David Spade]

Yeah, I mean it's still money, but it's just. You got to weigh it out, I guess.

[Dana Carvey]

It is, it is true. I remember Jay Leno telling me once, yeah, and that's why we get paid, we get paid a lot of money. Because after they take everything, you still got a pretty good check, you know.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I mean there's some things you still don't get. You still at this point, if you go to Jimmy Fallon, what do you make 780 bucks?

[Dana Carvey]

Well, it's, it's, it's the exposure. That's his union.

[David Spade]

That wasn't the question, sir.

[Dana Carvey]

On the stand, Lady Gaga got 17 million for five minutes on Colbert show. She just has that kind of clout.

[David Spade]

Wait, why am I getting 780 or whatever?

[Dana Carvey]

I don't know. Only fans is a fascinating thing. And we should, we should four just because Superfly. This is for Sophie. Let's get.

[David Spade]

Oh, you want to get one of them on and ask her?

[Dana Carvey]

Let's get a, you know, an only fans.

[David Spade]

We'll get that Sophie rain on.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, that's, that's doing well. And just really think of it as it, it grosses like 6, 8 billion a year. It's bigger than, you know, the NBA salary.

[David Spade]

It's all combined. Right.

[Dana Carvey]

It's bigger than U S Steel.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I don't know that movie. I'm too young.

[Dana Carvey]

Godfather and U S Steel. There's a big controversy. A Japanese steel company wants to merge with U.S. steel. And they, some people say it's a great deal for both. It'll give us a steel industry. And then some people say we should keep US Steel separate from our friends.

[David Spade]

China.

[Heather Santoro]

China. Right now they're talking about it. They're talking a Lot. But it's all. It's all talk. That's all it is. Now let me change.

[David Spade]

I hate that. Talk is such an easy one to get back to China. This merger is just talk right now.

[Heather Santoro]

It's just talk. They're talk. They've never seen it. We've never seen it.

[Dana Carvey]

He's talking about the lawsuits.

[Heather Santoro]

They've never seen it before.

[David Spade]

They talk about never seen. Who's seen Greenland, who's going up there for vacation. It's a lot of fun.

[Heather Santoro]

It's a lot of fun.

[Dana Carvey]

By the way, it's got oil, natural gas, and rare minerals. And it.

[Heather Santoro]

It.

[Dana Carvey]

You can take a ship. We have a air base there, so.

[David Spade]

But the people.

[Dana Carvey]

There's only 57,000 people there, and they mostly sell fish to Denmark. They don't. You got to bring in the big boys for all the oil, gas and minerals. So that's why get the rare minerals.

[Heather Santoro]

They're rare. The reason they're rare is because you don't see them a lot. That's a very underused word. Rare minerals. You gotta have them. China has a lot of them.

[David Spade]

But right now, Trump goes up there to. To sort of, you know, shake hands and say, hey, this. What's this? A largemouth lunker bass. What do you got here? He's trying to, like, blend in with the locals to pitch the scene.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, I know. Trump Jr. Just went in and just hung out. He just hung out. But the thing is, those people make an average news flash, 36,000 a year for the average Greenland human being.

[Heather Santoro]

So Trump will say, well, we'll give you a million a year each to make.

[David Spade]

Also buy a cow for a nickel.

[Dana Carvey]

Up there to make it. What did I call it?

[Heather Santoro]

Even More America. Even More America is our latest acquisition.

[David Spade]

That would be the biggest state, probably Greenland, because it's three times as big as Texas.

[Dana Carvey]

Is it. It's all. It's 80 covered in ice. The reason it's called Greenland is when the Vikings and the Danes went in there, it was all green and lushed. So if it melts, we may see.

[David Spade]

So is my wife. That's what you should say if you're Henny Youngman. It's 80 covered in ice. So is my wife.

[Dana Carvey]

There you go. That's a good one.

[David Spade]

It was a hair late.

[Dana Carvey]

Let. No, let's do it officially so Patrick can clip it.

[David Spade]

Okay. Ready? Go.

[Dana Carvey]

Greenland is covered 80% in ice.

[David Spade]

Yeah. So is my wife.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, that sounded too. Too sincere. So is my wife. You almost want to.

[David Spade]

I should have done. Use the other so is my wife, Patrick. We'll see what that looks like.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Okay, next story. Here we go. We're doing good. We're doing okay. Dana. You know, I like to gamble a bit. I'm just. I'm not like, oh, yeah, too deep in it, but I take a little bit of the Joe Dirt money now and then, and the reruns do a little this and that. But this is. This is about. At BetMGM now, you can follow and tag BETMGM across all your socials, and that gets you in the mix. This is the sports book Born in Vegas. They have a thing called Second chance on first touchdown scorer. Let me break it down for you all season long.

[Dana Carvey]

Break that down.

[David Spade]

Yeah, please. BetMGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown bet. So when a customer bets a wager on a first touchdown, scorer bet and he does not score first but scores Second, we return 100 of their stake back in cash. This is crazy talk.

[Dana Carvey]

You've officially gone to cuckoo land, and I hope you're coming back because you are not in the real world right now.

[David Spade]

One Flew over the Cuckoo's app.

[Dana Carvey]

I bet once at the first touchdown would be the first one, and I want a fortune.

[David Spade]

Some of these are good offers. They're like if the touchdown is scored by even a soccer player, you win.

[Dana Carvey]

It's like, oh, that's right. If so anyway, in the back of a Dodge Dart in the parking lot, you get a pretty penny.

[David Spade]

Okay, I'll just tell you that's good. BetMGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. BetMGM and Game Sense Remind you to gamble responsibly. See betmgm.com for terms 21+only. This U.S. promotional spot is not available in Ontario. Gambling problem, call 1-800- gambler available in the U.S. for New York, call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. That's 467-369. For Arizona, call 1-800-next step for Massachusetts, 1-800-327-5050. Iowa, 1-800-bets off for Puerto Rico, 1, 800-981-0023. Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel. You know, I hate to get serious here, Dana, but the family depends on you. And everyone needs to think about this, get serious about something every family needs, which is life insurance. That's very true. Ethos has made securing life insurance as smooth as possible because, you know, normal coverage from work may not be enough. Rates go up as you age With Ethos, you can apply for affordable life insurance quickly and easily online, and all without a medical exam. Just answer a few health questions for a free quote, and that's in less than 10 [e-mail] flyfly.

[Dana Carvey]

You know, because a lot of times, David, work provided life insurance may not be enough. You know, the rule of thumb is to have a coverage that's 10 times your salary. But oh, yeah, provided life insurance typically doesn't cover maybe one or two times your salary. You see what I'm saying? Yeah.

[David Spade]

You got to read and find out what it is. Because if you haven't used Ethos, you know that there's complications. Like when these things happen, you never know. We've got aliens out there, we got a lot of things going on and you never know. So you never know. There's, there's people I've heard of, you know, something like that happens and then everyone's just jammed and you don't want to jam up the fan.

[Dana Carvey]

Suddenly the income, the income, suddenly the income's gone and you got mortgage, you got tuition bills, you know, so.

[David Spade]

Oh yeah, I think it just feels like it's too much money for people, so they should call and just check because if it's affordable, then you're in. You know, I, I would just at least try, you know, or if you don't want to deal with a whole medical exam, you just have to answer a few questions. It's online, you know. Yeah, yeah, a few health questions. It's worth it.

[Dana Carvey]

I mean, with something like this Ethos, it's going to get you coverage quick, easy and all online. That's quite an advantage because you way simpler.

[David Spade]

Two million families have trusted Ethos to help find the right coverage. Give your family peace of mind today for whatever the new year brings. Term life policies start as low as $10 a month. Okay, get your free [e-mail] fly that's E T H O S.com fly this.

[Dana Carvey]

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[David Spade]

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[Dana Carvey]

Only available with TurboTax Live. Full service, real time updates only in iOS mobile app. See guarantee [e-mail] guarantees. All right, here we are. Look at this.

[David Spade]

Oh. Teen finds out anonymous Internet bully who harassed her for a year is her own mom.

[Heather Santoro]

Whoa.

[David Spade]

Mount Pleasant, Michigan. I'm from Michigan. This is the one that has, like, the music behind it. Heather, that goes. Scary music.

[Dana Carvey]

I was doing a Mission Impossible sub theme.

[David Spade]

Oh, you were? Sorry, I stepped on it. That's Mission Impossible. That's Popeye.

[Dana Carvey]

I lost it.

[Heather Santoro]

I'm stoned to the finish because I eat my spoon.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's it.

[Heather Santoro]

And all of it is whole talk.

[Dana Carvey]

My first bit. I've said it before. My first bit in 19 when. Oh, you did Popeye, ladies and gentlemen. Popeye getting kicked in the groin.

[David Spade]

I was not expecting.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. It's just if I get claps from David Spade.

[David Spade]

I like that one. That was a good one, you know. You know Popeye. Speaking of Popeye.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

That goes public domain. More fishy guesses on my part. Public domain. Like Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh. So they're gonna make a horror movie about it, I think. But they can't use spinach. I heard that, too. This all sounds like a lie, right?

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, a mash up. Popeye in a horror.

[David Spade]

Yeah, like make Popeye. I'm gonna. I hate olive oil. Then these stabs and he's like, oh, I'm not a great guy after all.

[Dana Carvey]

And then what's his name? Wimpy comes in. I'll gladly stab you tomorrow if I can stab you today for a hamburger.

[David Spade]

Today?

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, hamburger.

[David Spade]

Wimpy's, like, on drugs. He just. He was adding nothing. But I did always laugh when he'd say that. I'm like. Like even in a comic strip.

[Dana Carvey]

Tomorrow for a hamburger. Today is brilliant Tuesday. That's like, hear me now and believe me later.

[Heather Santoro]

Listen to me loud and believe me later.

[David Spade]

I like how we don't even talk about the mom who's. Well, I guess it's just sort of discipline. Right?

[Dana Carvey]

I assume she. It's parenting in her mind.

[David Spade]

Yes. Not mine. That's rough. It depends on how rough she got. I like they make the kid look like they're in squid game for some reason in this photo.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[Heather Santoro]

If.

[Dana Carvey]

If your kid is dressed like that, which is this death mask in a pink jacket with a hood on, you maybe want to harass him Online just to get him to take off the mask. Unless that's just to hide his identity. Yeah, okay, you were chopping.

[David Spade]

You're being choppy. But we got it. Patrick's got it. Okay, let's go to one more. Now we got time. What time's it? We always say one more. We got time. People are too riveted. They're on the edge of their seat during this.

[Dana Carvey]

There's their catches there.

[David Spade]

Watch this. Okay, seeing. Oh, this is funny. Okay, this is a woman from America seeing Big Ben. As you know, Big Ben is a big clock in London. I don't know if it's Piccadilly Square, but this woman sees it. This is the reaction I would figure also Dana having too. But then some kid gives a. Gives a summary. So watch her and then watch the kids summary.

[Dana Carvey]

All right.

[David Spade]

This is.

[E]

Stand up right now. Stand up. Why the hell was she crying over a clock? I've lived in the UK and London for eight years, and I've seen this every single time. And if I was even in America, I would not start going on the floor going, what's Big Ben done? What's Big Ben done for you? Has he done. Has he cleaned your house? Is he a maid at your house? Has he done. Has he hoovered your floor? No, he's not. He's a clock. Bluff. He's a big, massive clock that lives in the middle of London. Why are you crying over a clock?

[Dana Carvey]

So that's her mother?

[David Spade]

No, that's just some chick on Tick Tock and.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, it's just. Okay, so that. That kid seems like she's 37 years old. Not visually, she looks eight, but it's like, extremely mature. Why would you cry over clock? Mother?

[David Spade]

Why are you falling on the ground? It's a clock.

[Dana Carvey]

If you saw a human being who was over 6ft tall, would you sob? Look how tall they are.

[Heather Santoro]

It's stupid.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah, cry. Cry over things.

[David Spade]

I want to follow this lady around, see what she's crying over every day.

[Dana Carvey]

Anything.

[David Spade]

Oh, someone has a watch on normal.

[Dana Carvey]

She got a giant hamburger and sobbed for two hours. Larger than the regular hamburger.

[David Spade]

Don't let her near Randy's Donuts.

[Dana Carvey]

The donuts on the outside are so large. She broke down in tears and had to be taken away by an EMT squad.

[David Spade]

Dana's choppy.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm choppy. You're blurry. Break the tie, Gray.

[David Spade]

I'm blurry.

[Dana Carvey]

Well.

[David Spade]

Oh, it is. Don't you fucking dare blame me. It's blurry and choppy. That should be our show, by the way, this hotel graciously said, we'll give you some dog Internet that nobody.

[Dana Carvey]

You know what I did for our friend Paul McCartney? Going full circle. I went to the Four Seasons way up in the mountains because the WI fi was sketchy down in.

[Heather Santoro]

I can hear and see you. Terrific. Thank you for traveling to a better hotel.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, at least you saved a couple bucks on the hotel.

[David Spade]

I can tell it's a no. I'm at a nice hotel. But I. We went and said, we don't want the regular Internet. Where's the backdoor special? And so they're. All right. Here we go. Ding.

[Dana Carvey]

So you thought you got good. Oh, okay. Gotcha.

[David Spade]

Yeah, no, we vetted this whole thing because I knew if I'm on the road, I got to make sure we could do this and nail it and make it a thousand percent because all of our millions of views, they freak out.

[Dana Carvey]

What's going to happen, Greg?

[David Spade]

Oh, here's another story. Okay. I just thought this was interesting.

[Dana Carvey]

Okay.

[David Spade]

This isn't great. This isn't hilarious. I just think I could watch this for an hour. How is rubber made from rubber tree? How do you harvest rubber? I like that scrape noise.

[Dana Carvey]

It's a specific.

[David Spade]

Never think of doing it like this. Very straight lines.

[Dana Carvey]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Freehand. What's that? Like this little instrument? That's me with my toenails at night.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that the actual rubber that's coming off?

[David Spade]

I would never think this tree was a rubber tree. I think it was some dumb tree run of the mill bucket. Oh, look, everybody.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, say just made a little tap and then here comes it. And then it kind of.

[David Spade]

Is that it? Wow. That's what rubber looks like. Coming right out.

[Dana Carvey]

That's what it sounds like.

[David Spade]

I don't like the water part. God. Get a grip on it, dude. Relax.

[Dana Carvey]

Got rubber trees really were name named properly.

[David Spade]

That's a lot of work.

[Dana Carvey]

What? They don't do anything with it.

[David Spade]

Collecting rubber. You're not making a tire out of that. Why are they black?

[Dana Carvey]

They don't do anything with it. No, but that was a rubber tree. Go. If you're driving, go look at YouTube. Around 45 minutes. You'll see it. It's fascinating.

[David Spade]

That was kind of cool.

[Dana Carvey]

It was cool. Very light tapping angle scraping and then a funnel. So some of it came out kind of watery and then it coalesced into a big.

[David Spade]

I think it's like SAP coalesced. He said you can light up like a.

[Dana Carvey]

What are you?

[David Spade]

Aquila and the bee? Okay, what's the next thing.

[Dana Carvey]

What's the human deaths caused by animals?

[David Spade]

Okay Heather, pay attention. This is interesting. This is going to tell us what. And it's kind of like the running thing we did. What animals and how many deaths do they cause per year in order? We're starting at the lowest. So bats, bears. Okay. I bought sharks. I get it. Mooses more than sharks. Spiders, Wolves.

[Dana Carvey]

Cows.

[David Spade]

Cows. Uses. Yeah. Horses even more. Lions and leopards make sense. Ants. Dana.

[Dana Carvey]

Bees.

[David Spade]

Bees. Because. Allergic.

[Heather Santoro]

Hush.

[David Spade]

Jellyfish.

[Dana Carvey]

Tiger.

[David Spade]

Tiger. That far ahead of shark.

[Dana Carvey]

Deer's ahead of tigers. Hippopotamus way up there. Elephants killing us. Tapeworms.

[David Spade]

Tape.

[Dana Carvey]

Crocodiles. Never liked them. Scorpion.

[David Spade]

Scorpion. Wow.

[Dana Carvey]

And what's the teeth?

[David Spade]

TT Flies.

[Dana Carvey]

And then assassin. Bug. Snail.

[David Spade]

Snails.

[Dana Carvey]

Snails kill us. Dogs number way above everyone else. Snakes.

[David Spade]

Wow.

[Dana Carvey]

Humans killing other humans. 430.

[David Spade]

That's the biggest.

[Dana Carvey]

Mosquitoes above humans.

[David Spade]

But tsetse fly. Where is that? In Africa. I've heard of them.

[Dana Carvey]

It's in ttse. The land of ttsi. You fly over it? I don't know. It's Africa. I think. I think it's that or Southeast Asia. You know, communicable disease carriers.

[David Spade]

What about. Okay. Shocking on that was cows. Dogs are so high.

[Dana Carvey]

But why do cows. How do cows kill you? Because I'm around cows a lot and they don't want anything to do with me.

[David Spade]

Oh. I'd be scared.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh. You know, if you add a bull, that's different. If you have female cows. But bulls will attack. Yeah. Oh.

[David Spade]

Because if you're flirting with a. Yeah. With one of their. Okay. And then toward the end. Hippopotamus. There's not that Many, are there? 20 to 25 deaths occur each year from cattle.

[Dana Carvey]

Huh. Involves the bulls. There it is. Yeah. Oh. Multiple.

[David Spade]

Yeah, multiple. Cows are involved in most attacks and it's.

[Dana Carvey]

It's bulls with horns and. And they want to you up. Yeah.

[David Spade]

Wow. Well I thought. Who else is on that list? That was really odd. Owls didn't make it for the third year in a row.

[Dana Carvey]

The one thing they left out was who kills more humans than any anyone else. And then it would say David Spay because you kill your audience as a stand up. Sorry. Long way to go. David's Bay was a killer last night. Oh, you killed him.

[David Spade]

Hey, Heather, turn this light up a little bit more so it doesn't match for the only reason. So it won't match.

[Dana Carvey]

So we have 30 seconds to go. And now you're doing a lighting design.

[David Spade]

There you go. Now turn that one. I'll close that one. We're doing a whole thing here. Listen, we're not goop. Oh, it is a little darker.

[Dana Carvey]

Jesus Christ. Claude Rains just walked into the podcast.

[David Spade]

Go that side. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you can't do that. All right, we're back to normal. Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.

[Dana Carvey]

Right.

[David Spade]

Very microscopic right there.

[Dana Carvey]

Beautiful.

[David Spade]

That's fine. No, I got to put these on so it matches.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, where are the sunglasses? You got a continuity browser?

[David Spade]

Yeah, I Continuity. We got a match. Okay, what's next story? I like to bark out orders. Hey. Okay, hold on. Wait. I think so. Let's see what this is. I don't know.

[Dana Carvey]

Tell us how you are going to break. There's a guy sitting there, and he's going to talk.

[David Spade]

Break the world record for sleeping with the most men in one day.

[F]

I'm trying to get 1,000 guys. 1,000 guys in 24 hours. My plan kind of is to. It needs to be a room with two doors is what we're trying to work out. Like, the logistics of this is insane because one thing, it's hard enough getting a thousand guys together. It's another thing actually, like, making sure they all do it in the time limit. So honestly, I'm just hoping for, like, conveyor belt of, like, they need to kind of like walk in the room, one pump in, one pump out, and then leave.

[David Spade]

What's the current world record, though?

[F]

It's 919. I want to get to a thousand because, like, 900 weak. You may as well have got to a 'Thousand, you know, 924 hours, though. This is why I'm training. I'm, you know, I've done the whole.

[Dana Carvey]

That's just another Sunday.

[F]

In, like, a few weeks, she's gonna.

[David Spade]

Do 300 to warm up.

[F]

But I think as long as they're in, out, in, out, in, out, it's going to be pretty quick. I think I'll get a soul towards the end, but I think I've got, I hope, right determination. Just.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, look, listen, the funny part is she sets the world record, she retires, she wants to start a family. She's dating regular guys. They're having a glass of wine. The guy says, well, let's just be honest. You know, I've had a little bit of sexual experience. Just. Just tell me, how many men have you been with? I mean, ball body count, 5, 6, 10. And then she has to say 17,000.

[David Spade]

Yeah, it's a tough.

[Dana Carvey]

Is that real? First of all? Is that real?

[David Spade]

Well, she just broke a record for. It's like a new Kind of thing they're doing for clout where.

[Dana Carvey]

But is there any evidence it's real? They interview the guys. Well, because how many guys would you sign up for that? Would you be number 684? Do they pay them well?

[David Spade]

You know, my nickname in high school was. I was a boxer and they called me the one pump chump. I think that's why they called me that.

[Dana Carvey]

So you might, you might go through. Get in line and come through another time with sunglasses on the second time.

[David Spade]

Yeah, I'm five. Yeah. No, I. I don't know how it works. They did 100 and she said she was at nightmares after. I'm like, I don't even know what's going on with the world. It's really just an. Well for record and it's Guinness Book really coming out there with the nerdy guy.

[Dana Carvey]

Well, I don't. I mean they did interview her parents, you know, very working class Brits and they're very sweet about it. Would always be proud of old daughter. She's a hard worker. She's worked her way up to a thousand men.

[Heather Santoro]

And it took a lot of effort.

[Dana Carvey]

And time and strategy. Oh, my daughter is the nicest push in the world.

[Heather Santoro]

She's got a heart of gold.

[Dana Carvey]

She likes having sex with thousands of men. But she's not all talk. She's not. Oh no, she's not talking. She's not saying, I'm gonna have sex.

[Heather Santoro]

With a thousand men. It's not all talking.

[David Spade]

Yeah. You know, even if she gets 900, we still love her.

[Dana Carvey]

And McCartney was.

[Heather Santoro]

She's. It's a lot of shagging. I'll be honest, you know, it's more than you can really comprehend.

[David Spade]

I'm sure McCartney put up some world record numbers back in the day. Who is the horniest beetle? We should have asked him.

[Dana Carvey]

Who is the horny?

[David Spade]

Probably Ringo.

[Dana Carvey]

Probably has to be the drummer.

[Heather Santoro]

Piece of love. Peace and love.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh yeah, that's a tell.

[David Spade]

I think Lennon had bed ends. That guy's horny.

[Dana Carvey]

But what about kind of the marrying kind? They all got kind of married and a couple divorced and married again. I mean, the Beatles are actually pretty corn.

[David Spade]

I think what happens that kind of fame, it's so overwhelming to even talk to someone that they probably. No girl that's a fan could even comprehend they were even in the same room with him. So it's just too weird. They just got to find one person where it's normal and stay with them.

[Dana Carvey]

Paul's first wife, Linda Eastman, she was a. She was a well known photographer from a very renowned family. Eastman Kodak. And she had a child from a previous marriage and so she was very grown up and I think and, and lovely. And so I think that's what attracted Paul to her. To your point, David?

[David Spade]

Yeah. You know, okay, let's do one more and then we'll talk about horny other band members. That was a good question. We blew it with Paul. Okay, let's see what this is. Wait, is this another. Oh, is this.

[Dana Carvey]

Oh, this is robots.

[David Spade]

They made robots to look like ants and they give them chores. I'm already scared.

[G]

These robots inspired by ants and were developed by South Korean scientists. Each microrobot is 600 micrometers tall and interacts with others using magnetic fields.

[David Spade]

Ooh, so am I.

[G]

The micro robot swarm was able to unclog tubes that resembled blocked blood vessels. This technology could potentially be used to clear plaques from clogged.

[David Spade]

Dana, we're going to fill you full of robot ants.

[G]

In this other application.

[David Spade]

How do you get them the F out of your body?

[G]

Out of the chunk of the metal indium?

[Dana Carvey]

They just, they just leave. They come out the way they came in.

[G]

This allowed it to turn a light.

[David Spade]

You're out of here. We're done, guys. Punch out.

[G]

The micro robots were able to assemble into a group. You don't need to coordinate their movements to walk over an obstacle. By leveraging their collective strength and synchronized actions, they successfully overcame barriers, demonstrating their ability to adapt and perform tasks.

[David Spade]

They moved.

[G]

In 1976 Ford Bronco, the micro robots used centrifugal force. They're throwing, propelling themselves over obstacles. They're throwing gigantic form of 200 micro robots metal into smaller pieces in just five seconds. Despite its high surface tension. They then moved the pieces, joined them back together and shaped the metal. This demonstrated their ability to handle complex tasks with precision and control the mic.

[Dana Carvey]

Let's ask AI Well, AI Is all that possible without cut to an actual ant coin?

[Heather Santoro]

Why do we even try?

[David Spade]

Oh, wow.

[Dana Carvey]

Denoted fake ant person.

[Heather Santoro]

Why do we even try?

[David Spade]

They're all talking and then another ant goes. It's, it's not much, but it's an honest, honest work.

[Heather Santoro]

I'm just an ant, but I see that and I go, you know, it's all right, you know what else you got is what I'm saying.

[David Spade]

The ants are leaning in an alley going, these fucking ant robots are going to take over. That's it. That's it for us, guys.

[Dana Carvey]

You see the question, do they have a queen bee? Do they have a nest with A queen bee.

[Heather Santoro]

They got no queen bee.

[David Spade]

The best part is they don't.

[Heather Santoro]

They don't.

[Dana Carvey]

They don't need it.

[David Spade]

The ants. Like we never needed it. We never needed the queen. We can do this. We just got to get her, by.

[Dana Carvey]

The way, to go full circle. You know what a queen bee does all day? Has sex with a thousand ants.

[David Spade]

Oh, he does.

[Dana Carvey]

Just based on.

[David Spade]

I thought the queen.

[Heather Santoro]

I'll talk.

[Dana Carvey]

This is the all talk.

[Heather Santoro]

I'll talk. All talk. That's all it was. And everybody seated. I'll talk. All talk face.

[David Spade]

All right, I think we should end on that. Dana, Any, Any final remarks.

[Dana Carvey]

I'm going to continue for the next super fly with my all talk motif. No, I have a new one for folks and we are, we are looking forward to getting some people, some scientists and, and different people actually have an idea for a brilliant investor to teach people how to, how to really invest in the stock market. David.

[David Spade]

Sweet.

[Dana Carvey]

Heather, Greg.

[David Spade]

Yeah, everybody, you're right. And YouTube shorts. We put up the new version of Trump, which is you going slower. Don't give it away.

[Dana Carvey]

And that was Trump speaking softly instead of screaming at the big rallies, you know?

[David Spade]

Yeah. Because now he won. Now he's like, now he can just slow.

[Heather Santoro]

And what we're gonna do.

[Dana Carvey]

He talked for a half hour straight in the most abstract way. It was really entertaining. I recommend it to anybody.

[Heather Santoro]

We're looking at a lot of things.

[David Spade]

You don't want dirty dishes. You got to do them six times.

[Dana Carvey]

Sir, will you attack Panama? This the country of Panama to.

[Heather Santoro]

I'm not going to rule anything out. I'm not going to rule it out. I'm not going to.

[Dana Carvey]

He wants Panama. He wants the Gulf of America. And he. And he wants even more America, I. E. Greenland.

[David Spade]

He should take South America. They're halfway there. They already.

[Heather Santoro]

What would the name be?

[Dana Carvey]

Would he make South America? No, we'd rename it.

[Heather Santoro]

Oh, to America.

[David Spade]

Lower America.

[Dana Carvey]

Lower America.

[Heather Santoro]

Additional America after the skinny connected part.

[David Spade]

America plus. Then they can charge you.

[Heather Santoro]

Oh, I know.

[Dana Carvey]

It would be South.

[Heather Santoro]

Central America South. Central America.

[Dana Carvey]

Because we have Central America South. All right. All right.

[David Spade]

So we'll figure it out. Thank you. Dana.

[Dana Carvey]

Are you working tonight? Friday night?

[David Spade]

Yeah. Show tonight. Where is it?

[Dana Carvey]

Sold out. Should we plug it?

[David Spade]

No, it's a corporate whoops. That's all right. It's going to be great. I. This is one where they don't want me to be dirty. And then I just saw two employees downstairs and they go, you better be dirty tonight. I'm like, I can't. I got in trouble.

[Dana Carvey]

Never listen to the employees. You get the cue.

[David Spade]

They're like, sorry.

[Dana Carvey]

I know. Because the audience is not as prudish as the. The team that's scared of offending them. That's the iron.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Dana Carvey]

They laugh if you. But anyway.

[David Spade]

All right, well, my banana looks like.

[Dana Carvey]

A dolphin, weirdly enough, right now, your lighting is the best it's been during the whole podcast. Oh, what is it?

[David Spade]

What was the impression like a dolphin.

[Heather Santoro]

Oh.

[David Spade]

Flipper.

[Dana Carvey]

Flipper.

[David Spade]

Okay.

[Dana Carvey]

All right.

[David Spade]

Miss you, Dana. I'll see you when I'm back.

[Dana Carvey]

We'll talk just laters.

[David Spade]

This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Super Fly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.