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You know we're supported by Ring. Everyone knows Ring. With Ring, it's protected. Look, a lot of our shopping happens online. An alarming amount, an embarrassing amount. I'm talking everything from late night snack hauls to random gadgets we absolutely don't need. But some have to have. And when you're recording or just out and about, the last thing you want to be wondering is, did my package get delivered or adopted by someone else? That's where Ring comes in. The battery doorbell lets you keep track of packages and actually see what's happening at your front door. No guessing, no stress. And if you want to really level your setup, the outdoor Cam plus has a wide field of view with that crisp retinal 2K video. So even at night, your yard isn't getting away with anything.
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For me, it's just peace of mind. Whether it's packages. Yeah, the yard. Keeping an eye on things when you're busy. Your dog, whatever. Ring makes it easy and reliable. Your door, your yard, your home. Honestly, it's the only way I know what I panic. Bought at 2am and with ring, it's protected shop cameras, doorbells, and more right now@ring.com. hey, before we jump back into the show, let's take a quick break. All right, not just any break. This is a refreshing break with Snapple. We all know about Snapple's iconic real facts, so let's take a minute to go over some of my faves.
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Snapple Real fact 455 movie trailers used to come on at the end of the movies, but no one stuck around to watch them.
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I've heard that. Snapple Real Fact 831 adults laugh only about 50, 15 to 100 times a day, while preschoolers laugh an average of 300 times a day.
B
Snapple Real Fact 1983. The first player drafted to play pro football never played in the league.
A
That's interesting. Snapple Real fact 1274 kickball is referred to as soccer baseball in some parts of Canada.
B
Hmm. So grab a Snapple, take a second, enjoy the moment.
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Because let's be honest, this might be the most refreshing part of your day. Snapple, make your break more interesting. Rob Reiner's son Terrible. A terrible already.
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If you can land this, I'm gonna send you a hundred Dollars.
A
Don't worry, it was a total wipeout.
B
Well, first of all, you're in a deficit, but go ahead, Taylor Swift.
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Where are they going? You know what I mean? She's not walking. I'm going duck.
B
Say,
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that'd be Funny Tales of Texas. Hey, guys, quit screaming.
B
Did I sound like Taylor Swift at all? Sort of.
A
I went to school with you and I. Oh, cool, cool. Where'd you go? To Samoro.
B
She's.
A
Yeah. And she goes, the other girl, he looks young. He is not young at all. And I go, oh, didn't know how to react. She goes, but you do look young. So she sucked me in again. She goes, but he's a lot older than you think. And I go, get fucked. How about just ring it up? Enough Google.
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We're releasing male mosquitoes to reduce the population. Hundreds of thousands of them. We're Google, you know, make a. I'm
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tired of pregnant mosquitoes.
B
Introducing.
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We cut their mosquito nuts off.
B
Yeah, good luck making a batch of mosquito kids. Those days are over. We got you neutered mesquites.
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You ready? One, two, three. Welcome to the show. Dan Blarney.
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I've got David Spoodler are here in for Dana's Dana Spade and questions about my hair.
A
I'll take first. I just did this thing that Heather said, your hair is ever super greasy and you haven't washed it in four days. Spray dry shampoo. So. Right. So I do it. But look it, look, it's gray. See that? I kind of like it. See that streak in there?
B
Oh, I. Oh, I've been watching. I've been watching.
A
No chance. Not me. I just do it. I just spray it and I ran down here. Dana and I spend, we only spend, no joke, probably an hour and a half getting ready for this show.
B
It's amazing. I guess the listeners could know that after this particular podcast I'm going to get in the car and drive for six hours on interstates.
A
I know you're a stud for doing this.
B
Well, yeah, but it is sort of an interesting one because, you know, I don't know about you, I don't know what your packing situation is, but I am dysfunctional. I really. If I have a car, this is a drive. If it's a. If it's a, you know, luggage flight and I start putting in there, that's like one in a million I'm ever going to need it. Like, well, what if I want a second sport coat am I going to wear for the gig we're doing?
A
What do I Want parachuting?
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What if I need a second long sleeve? You know what should I hike with these shoes and these shoes could be good on stage, but also these because I have a car where I can throw the seat down. So I have stuff I could survive for six months with what I've packed for one. One gig basically because.
A
Is it for our G?
B
Yeah. But then I'm. I'm around town, I'm. I'm doing. Seeing a doctor just for a checkup and I'm gonna be visiting my mother in law. You know, you just, you just go, well, throw it in. I'll just, I'll just throw it in.
A
What if. What if I need my snake bite socks where the snakes don't bite me when I hike?
B
And what if, what if I need a backup toothbrush? I mean, what if that toothbrush disappears? So it's a very crazy thing I have going on. But you're pretty, you're pretty together. I think if I had to.
A
I'm pretty streamlined at packing now. But you got to have some backups. I will tell you, I went to the improv last night and we're going to break this down of why this didn't work.
B
I love doing this. I'll tell you. Inside baseball for the audience. It is so much fun to work on someone else's bit and it's horrifying to work on your own bed. It's very frustrating. So what was you go to the improv. Here's your joke. Didn't work. Let's hear it.
A
Okay, so I go to the improv and on the way I hear on the news this. And by the way, the first problem. Touchy subject. So we're already at a deficit, right?
B
Depends on second problem.
A
Undercooked.
B
Right.
A
And the crowd sometimes likes this.
B
But you're thinking of it. But I hearing it on the radio, going right to the. So you're just doing it spontaneous.
A
I'm one minute away from the employment. Okay, got it. And I say I should say something about this. So it's not quite formulated. And that is the architecture is so important. It seems like nothing but how you set it up, how you pay it off. Do they have all the information? The minimal amount, but all the information so they will understand what you say next.
B
That's exactly right.
A
And it was not really any of that. So I said, hey guys.
B
Okay, hey guys. It's good. Hey guys already. They're your friend.
A
It was two up early because I tried to remember it. I'm like, I gotta say Something. So I do one or two, settle in bits, and they're pretty good crowd. Melissa Villa, senor, was before me, who you like. She's very good.
B
Great, great, great talent.
A
Super nice, talented, Very nice. And she has a little bit of this touch streak too. She. She gets off and does great job. And then I go, oh, blah, blah. And. And then I say, oh, so, okay, I just heard that Nick Reiner do. Who Nick Reiner is.
B
Do I.
A
Silence.
B
Oh, no, you did. The audience. And it goes silence.
A
Kind of. Because then I hear some guy go, yeah, And I go, rob Reiner's son.
B
Terrible topic.
A
A terrible. Already.
B
If you can land this, I'm gonna send you a hundred dollars.
A
Don't worry, it was a total wipeout.
B
Well, first of all, you're in a deficit, but go ahead.
A
I told you, I don't know. And then I'm realizing, this is so morbid already. And I go, well, there was a situation. I said, anyway, the news was today that Rob Reiner's son Nick, who is in jail, is suing the estate of Rob Reiner because he's not getting his millions of dollars in the will. And I'm like, what a bummer. The one guy that could give you the money and you kill him.
B
Okay, and what was the response?
A
This. Nothing, Just. Just Heather fell asleep. You're thinking of how I could fix it. I don't know if it's fixable.
B
Well, yeah, and it's also. It's pretty perfunctory as a turn, you know.
A
Oh, what does that mean?
B
Well, it's not exotic. There's not a bunch of surprise to it. He's going after his money. And is it an ironic he killed the one guy who could have wrote him the check?
A
Yeah, I mean, it could have been in that Ilana's Morissette song if it was today you that the guy you kill as the one guy. Because now he's suing him because he wants that money. His argument is, I need that money for a legal team so I can get out of jail for killing you.
B
You might. I maybe the only way to make it lighter is to put it on you. Like, I. I totally relate. You know, once this kid wouldn't give me his lunch money and, you know, I've smashed him in the face with a tennis ball.
A
Some other tricks are. Yeah, take it away from that. There's one where my mom gets bruising easily in my act, but it worked only when I switched it and said, I'm worried about her, but she thinks it's funny now. It's lighter, of course. And so she laughs when she bruises. And she goes. I go, what happened to your hip? She goes, oh, I must have run into a table. I go, mom, you have a bruise from your ankle to your ribs. She's like, I know. I don't know what happened. I go, I think you got hit by a missile.
B
Yeah, all that's fine as long as she's safe and okay. She thinks it's funny because we all get. I got a hematoma just from getting a blood test, but it doesn't hurt at all. Look at that. Oh, whoops. Excuse me. Not only tigers, cages, but. But I'm gonna say this because I'll be the. The coach at the improv.
A
Yeah.
B
That topic is too difficult right now.
A
And especially for la. They all. Some people knew him. Some people. It's such.
B
Well, is there any problem? It's in the hall of fame of tragedy. Like, the darkest. What?
A
So I knew him. And they're like, why are you. You was in your movie. I'm like, I know. I'm just.
B
I know Rob Reiner directed Spinal Tap and he. And I was in that with him.
A
Oh, you were in that. Here's another one that'll remind you of. Here's a sports story before we get to the big sports story, but Jacobe Brissette, this is just a local bit for me.
B
Okay.
A
That I am following the Cardinals. Arizona Cardinals. I'm one of the few to follow what's going on. So they're having a transition year, rebuilding. Right. And they got a new quarterback, but Jacoby Brissette was the backup for Kyler. Everyone's already tuned out. Kyler Murray. Kyler Murray, he went to Minnesota. You don't need to know what this.
B
I'm mesmerized. Go ahead. Thank you.
A
So Heather's.
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Heather. Does Heather have a pillow if she wants to?
A
She does. She's on the couch. So. So Jacobe Brissette is the backup, and he's holding out, you know, at camp because they're negotiating, but he's supposed to only get 4 million or something this year. And I'm like, that is low for a starting qb. And. And then I'm like, what if the negotiators. And he's not getting anywhere. So he's just showing up at camp now. Finally, he doesn't have a deal. And I go, I feel like maybe the negotiators are accidentally negotiating with Iran and Trump is calling the Cardinals now. That's why everything's a mess. That's not from my act. That's just for you.
B
We're gonna deal with Iran. We're taking Iran. We're gonna do a lot of stuff. I'll do this at the gig, but I've turned Trump into sort of a character from Lord of the Rings now to amuse myself. You know, they call it the precious. They call it the Precious. It's a great little ring. You gotta get the ring, you know, I mean, I' I'm just tired of trying to sound like Trump, so I've made him into like. He's almost like Gollum, you know, the precious, you got to get the. Oh, I pull a muscle doing Trump. No, I'm fine.
A
Gollum was so famous in Lord of the Rings and I haven't seen him in one other movie since. Nothing.
B
He doesn't. Well, news flash. I know you don't read a lot, but Gollum doesn't look like that. It's a CGI character and the guy who voiced it is. Worked a lot.
A
Who? Andy?
B
I live in a circus.
A
Circus, Andy. I travel with the circus.
B
So.
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All right, now we get to your precious Nicks.
B
Look, I had to check myself. I had to check myself, which means, you know, cognitive, behavioral. Because you get attached to a team and you just kind of pick a team. But my team, the Golden State warriors, were. Were out. So I became a fan of the spurs just because they're. They're average. They're right out of high school, basically. They shouldn't be doing what they're doing. Total underdogs. And they've got the Wembley who's called the alien. So they're up.
A
Now. We're doing this. Of course, the finals are probably over. We just saw the biggest game of the year last night, which unless the last game beats it, that last second tip in, I'll go out on a
B
limb and say the spurs in seven. And when this airs, we may know. And then I'll eat crow. How. Where did that come from? Why do you have to eat crow? Because I don't even like birds.
A
In the old days when people would lose basketball games, they'd have to pick up a crowd and eat it. Is that it? I mean, I'm not. I'm not a good chat. GPT.
B
Yeah, so I don't like to, but I realize for anybody. And this is an evergreen take, Greg. You know, it's the fun of getting attached and caring, but we know it's all pretend. They're not, you know, solving the Iran war It's just athletes trying to do something. And. And it's fun to care, but don't be personally wounded or sad. Find a place like, well, that happened. Move on.
A
But it's really just something to do. Like when I was at a sports bar last night and it was packed, packed some trashy bar, which I love, and the kitchen was broke.
B
They go, we only got hot dogs.
A
And we're like, that's fine. So me, Tommy, Bobby are in there. And then it gets so packed and then everyone's going, but I still have to go do a set at the Improv. So I'm like, I'll watch this until it gets good. Then I have to leave. So then the guy sees me and
B
he comes and goes, Nicks are Spurs.
A
Like he wants to kill me. I'm like, I don't know. Pratt, Bass. What are you talking about? Do. Which one am I for? Is that your question?
B
What did he say? It just sounded like a caveman. What was the. He just said knicks or spurs and
A
he wants me to answer wrong so he can beat the out of me. I'm like, he just turned to me and I'm standing there and he fucking like almost chest bumped me. And I'm like, why do you want to beat me? I don't know, whatever you want. I don't.
B
I want to live.
A
I don't give a.
B
Why would Rob Schneider do that? First of all, why would Rob Schneider.
A
Because he's practicing for grownups.
B
Why would the LA team, Knicks or spurs, they're. What happened to their Lakers? I mean, they're such traitors.
A
Nobody gives a fat anymore about the Lakers. They're like, we're moving on to whoever's got to eat. I want to join the Knicks bandwagon. It might be too late, but I'll do it if they win it all.
B
But I'll tell you, Let me tell you this right now. I like that one.
A
Yeah.
B
Live sports and the. The digital streaming. Not live streaming. Streaming age. Everything's goes into the massive library. See it anytime. Live sports makes so much more money and the audience. TV quote. TV streaming on is so huge compared to everything else. We used to have all the families, number one, Jerry Seinfeld at the top. Now it's the Niners versus Cleveland. You know, so it's a. That's the reason we watch it. We don't get any of that. Totally live. It's not fixed. No one's seen it. You don't know what's going to happen. So I think the Season's been really good. I've. There's been some amazing games. And if you're a Knicks fan right now, I guess you've won the championship or not. We're recording this. Actually, we were recording this in 20,
A
20, 22, six weeks out.
B
That's why I want to talk about it in the macro. Do you know what that means?
A
Well, the macro, no. It means we're just an overarching look at sports and finals and it's huge.
B
And, and this is, is this fairly new? When you watch an NBA game or another game that. DraftKings. DraftKings. You can bet here, bet there, bet there. So that's also the biggest thing in the world, right?
A
My degenerate buddy gambler said, hey, at the half did you see what the odds were that the Knicks would come back? And at the quarter, did you see the over, under of the points? I go, dude, I'm not a degenerate gambler, sorry. I'm actually just watching the game and I get it. But are you really. When you're at the half and you're like playing it live, they want you to bet on everything, not just the game, win or lose. They need you all the way through. All the way through. And then all the predictive markets and all those things, so. And on what stars will be there? You can bet on that on those other markets. So speaking of celebrity row, they really packed it last night. It was, I think my biggest shocker. Did you see that Taylor Swift was with pta? Heather. Was he? I think because it was with the Haim girls.
B
There was some little club they made up and they said some little punk.
A
Oh, I saw it.
B
Stevie Nicks.
A
They spelled the Knicks the way the Knicks do with the K and they put Stevie Nicks. And then there was two other ones the Hame girls had. One was Nicole Kidman with Nicks. So there's three of them. The other one is good too.
B
I don't know, it's kind of interesting. You know, you see people sitting on the wood and going crazy and then the, the 10 year old boy inside you or girl is like kind of like what, they get to be billionaires and now their team wins and when they're just all happy, they're.
A
Everything's going great too exuberant.
B
It's like, calm down, you got the billion. Okay, let's just say I did see
A
when they went to a commercial and they show like, I think it was Rock, Chris Rock in the front. He's like this slow motion. They don't got it tonight. But it was all slow motion and people being sad like this.
B
I know. Yeah. And then later on. But I will predict. And I will eat crow. I predict. I predict that person. Seven spurs and seven. I just have a feeling about it.
A
Yeah. Mark down also. Oh, yeah. This is a good question. Two questions. First of all, Sandler was there with Jackie, and I can't remember everybody that was there. There was a few surprises. But afterwards, when there's such beatings out front. If you. If you're on my Instagram, my algo, it's literally take your spurs jersey off. They rip it off, beat the people up. Bloody noses everywhere. Everyone.
B
Well, you come out and there's like 50 horses lined up. 50 horses with cops on top. Just as an intimidation thing when you first come.
A
Right. Like, please don't start. And there was a guy trying to save them from tearing down a light pole and they beat him up. It's just. It's just a free card to say, go crazy. And so they take him up on it, especially last night because it was such a flip around. And then Heather's saying, do you leave out of Madison Square Garden and go right into that riot? A mob of craziness. And if you're Sandler, secret tunnel.
B
Secret tunnel.
A
I think you're underneath. Suv pop out the back.
B
Yeah.
A
No one's the wiser. And get the out.
B
Get the out. Yeah. They're not going to play Taylor Swift.
A
Where are they going? You know what I mean? She's not walking out going, taxi. That'd be Funny Tales of Texas. Hey, guys, quit screaming.
B
I. I wanna tax it. Did I sound like Taylor Swift at all?
A
Sort of.
B
Sort of.
A
Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't. Give me that.
B
That's how you sounded.
A
Exactly. God dang it. Where's mine? Yeah.
B
Is that about for me or for the Knicks?
A
Here's.
B
That's when you. If you. When you. This is the audience. When you did that weird joke.
A
Worse than that. Here's you and you grab your wiener.
B
How did you know?
A
Don't say that to Dana.
B
How did you know?
A
Here's my act.
B
This is. This is what it's like for me when I do this podcast with you, with my. For my brain.
A
Was that a record scratch?
B
I don't know.
A
Here's Dana. When I'm allergic to bad jokes. Here's what happens. Here's what I do. That was a bad setup.
B
Here's an impression you. When a joke doesn't work at the improv what?
A
When I see you eating alone.
B
Why you know has friends. Yours are actually good Minor that one's a good one. This is you when you get out of the shower and you look in the mirror.
A
Here's Dana when Gervitz calls about a road gig.
B
Yours are too. Yours are too logical. I don't even know what these buttons are going to say. Here's you taking a left turn on La Cienega. Jesus. Here's you taking a right turn.
A
That's Heather During Everything we've talked about.
B
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FDIC History that Doesn't Suck is a legit, hard hitting American history podcast told through entertaining stories as we approach America's 250th anniversary, now might be the time to go back and learn how we got here. With more than 200 episodes you can binge your way decade by decade, defining event to defining event from the founding into the 20th century. Join me, Professor Greg Jackson for History that Doesn't Suck. An Odyssey Podcast available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.
A
All right. You know about energies.
B
Yeah.
A
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Yeah. Oh, yeah. This thing is a total game changer. Combining juice, cherry, citrusy lime and candy like blue raspberry to create a bold flavor explosion in every single sip. It delivers that exact iconic freezer pop flavor you crave with none of the sugar. All packed into a portable pocket sized shot you can take anywhere. You can spark a tasty flavor sensation with these incredible shots today. Ignite your taste buds with a Firework Freeze Flavor 5 Hour Energy Shot. Now available online at 5 Hour Energy.com or Amazon. Someone told me, came up to me randomly the other day on the street and just said this. At first I didn't understand. He goes, heather. And my phone.
A
What?
B
Heather needs a microphone.
A
Yeah, I know that was Heather. Now people ask me, what?
B
Why do we keep her?
A
Why? Yeah, it's sort of, I think it's sort of the fun mystery of the show. Like she can always walk over here and get on, but it's sort of funny to go, who's Heather? Where's Heather? And then she ask questions and she laughs a lot. We can hear that. She's the whole audience.
B
How many feet is Heather away from you?
A
These are good questions. I would say 11.
B
11ft.
A
And that laugh travels. We can't have any closer.
B
I know. I have to land a banger to hear her. You get up, you get like a metronome.
A
No, she laughs at literally everything you say, which is disgusting.
B
She's not paid to laugh at me. Hey, David. What you're just saying right now.
A
It's so loud. If people go in the comments, those.
B
Is it really that loud? Could it be? It can't be as louder than my voice.
A
That's a foghorn. Okay, wait, I have to ask something else. Oh, oh. Here's what this lady said to me at the gift shop in Arizona.
B
Okay, that's a great setup.
A
So I go in there and she goes, hey, she's with another lady. And she goes, I went to school with you. And I go, oh, cool, cool. Where'd you go? To Saguaro? She goes, yeah. And she goes, the other girl, he looks young. He is not young at all. And I go, oh, didn't know how to react. She goes, but you do look young. So she sucked me in again. She goes, but he's a lot Older than you think. And I go, get fucked. How about just ring it up enough? But then she goes, I graduated this year. When did you. And I go, oh, before that. She goes, oh, you're older than I thought. And I already thought you were old. God damn. She kept burying herself. And I go, I'll take my things and that's enough.
B
Good day, sir. Yes, that was a bit I used to do. It was like. What you suggest is nothing sort of, Matt. Nothing short of madness. Good day to you, sir. I. I said good day. I said, good day.
A
Oh, dude, go ahead.
B
I had a woman come up to me and go, you don't look like you did 40 years ago. I go, you don't either.
A
No. No, Sherlock.
B
You know, people, what they do is this. Like, we have to be on these screens and stuff, so we're. We get scrutiny, you know, but if people go to their bathroom mirror and put their chin up, loaded with light, just a straightforward shot, going with a turtleneck, going, why is everybody getting old? Look at me. Yeah, drives me nuts.
A
Drives me nuts. I walk, I drive in my car with a ring light, which is hard to drive, in case anyone sees me.
B
But I do use that. I did say to her, what you. What you suggest is nothing short of madness. Good day to you, madam.
A
I just saw a funny clip of Lovett's. Oh, he should have it.
B
I don't have it.
A
Oh, Lovitz was on a flight and you know how you flight, and they go, can you get up and do the announcements? Can you say bye bye to everyone? So he gets up and does stuff on Southwest. He's laughing away. Hilarious. Yeah. So funny. Because that's. That's. That's what people want you to do. Get up and say something funny.
B
I've done it. Not that often, but I've done it.
A
Hello, John, ladies and gentlemen, I am your. I am please around. Applause for me. I'm the oldest flight attendant in history. This is my one millionth flight.
B
John could get gigs just doing that announcement for different airlines.
A
You know, he's on the road sometimes with Dice Clay. It's pretty funny. They go out together and then they film themselves in the airports and stuff, and they're always arguing. It's funny.
B
I like everything I'm hearing.
A
You like what you hear?
B
That's a perfect match.
A
We just got through the voting situation. We have a new mayoral runoff in
B
the snow and a new bass. And the woman's name is Nithia Ramen Ramadan Lupapa, as they call her.
A
In the post. Nithya Top Ramen, as they call her in sports.
B
So she. She conceded on election night and I think was very emotional. And then they said she was in third on election. Yeah, but wait, there's more.
A
Oh, wait.
B
And then 17 million ballots flooded in. I don't know.
A
I know. I have to say they should take this voting a little more seriously here because we are the slowest and most. I'm not saying there's any tampering with the voting, but there's every opportunity to.
B
If you were tampering, you'd love. You'd want this system, you know, where you can go to doors and like, what do you want? Here's a ballot. I'll come back in a couple of days, you know, and then you harvest it, whatever party you're from. So they should fix it so no one has suspicions. Make the.
A
There's no security at the ballot boxes. That's illegal. You can't, like, have someone there or watch. Are they stuffing the. Is anyone taking it out, lighting it on fire?
B
Yeah, my brother went to vote up in Northern California and he showed his ID and they said, get that ID out of my face. They were like, angry that he wanted to show id.
A
Well, I don't think you're even supposed to show your id. They show gym memberships. You can show anything. I don't even think you have to show. You just say, hey, what's up? And that's the problem. That's what some people want. So it's more fair in quotes. And some people it invite. When you're on a flight, you have to show your id and you have to show your, you know, real ID and your license or passport.
B
Every second.
A
Every second you turn around, you're driving. Like, why can't it just be a driver's light something, A real id?
B
Well, whatever. You would get to go on an airplane, right? That's all you know. Golly, I don't know. This is kind of a hot. Take some. A lot of people love the current system, but I feel like it invites suspicion and we don't want anyone to think like that. You know, when I grew up, it was like. And Richard Nixon defeats Hubert Humphrey. It was like 11 o' clock or midnight. And the presidential election was called, not just the state election.
A
Another problem is they. They used to. If you handed it on the day of the election, it would still count later if they needed it. Right. But they don't go by postmark, which was the legal way. Now it's. You can Write in when you handed it in, what day. So if you can do that, then you could just. It. It's all. It just should be a little more of a tighter ship. That's all I'm saying.
B
I just like to meet the guy. Yeah, I'm Congressman Steve Wilkers, and that's the system I put in place in California. You know what, what is the. I guess the idea is more people participate. I don't know.
A
Right. Obviously the idea is you. You just have to realize some people are going to play the system. Some people really need this system the way it is now. And some people clown it. Same with everything. Same with the border. Good people want to come in, also bad people. You gotta have to have some system to differentiate the two. And that's the hard part. They said Nithya didn't even win in her own district. And then after it was over, she shot up thousands and thousands.
B
Is it weird to say right at this moment that if you ran, I would vote for you?
A
Me?
B
You're pretty articulate.
A
I could run. I wasn't on a reality show, but I could run.
B
What is. Should we have step.
A
I could run. I know nothing.
B
Mr. We should. That's a great campaign. I know. I know just as much as current politicians. Meaning I know nothing. I'm like Colonel Schultz.
A
They gave Pratt a lot of shit. And you go, well, I don't mind that he doesn't know because at least he's saying things that no one says you want to hear. And you go, you could be a politician for 50 years, but if nothing's going the right way, who cares about your experience? That means just you're in bed with a lot of people that you owe. And there's same with both sides of the aisle. They are. They've been in so long, it's all kind of sketchy on both sides.
B
The best congress money can buy. And you can get in that Congress and go to those meetings and listen in. Oh, really? So Nvidia is getting that government deal. Go place a bet.
A
That's the only reason to be in.
B
Yeah, you can really get rich if
A
you give me some of your stocks. Richie Rich. I got to get back in the game, you know.
B
No, it's always. It's like nerve wracking. You ever heard of the phrase volatility? No, the word. Actually, it's not a phrase.
A
Nope. Nothing.
B
Stocks go like this these days, you
A
know, and it's always, are you in SpaceX or no?
B
Well, space. SpaceX is going to take off like A rocket. No pun intended. No, I don't know what it's going to do. But you do know that in. In the big banks, there's people who bought SpaceX essentially for a nickel, right? Per share, and now it's $135 a share. So the amount of millionaires, and I guess billionaires that will be printed unless the stock doesn't perform. But it may go way up and way down. We don't know because it has never made any money.
A
Like a rocket and go like this and then go down.
B
And it should have an escape hatch. Excuse me. I have muni bonds. And they could. They balance out my portfolio. Don't get me started on my favorite.
A
I want to be a quillionaire.
B
You've got plenty. I mean, I, you know, I just like to.
A
Heather wants to be a trillionaire, but I want to be a quillionaire.
B
Hey, David. Everything you own owns you back. Have you ever thought of that?
A
Every day.
B
If you've ever thought of this. You occupy your house, but you live here. Your spirit, soul and physicality right here. Never.
A
Never thought of that. Didn't cross my mind.
B
You're just gonna chase shiny things until
A
you go, Yeah, I go like this. This is a Camaro. If that's cool, that means I'm cool. Yeah, Cool things around me. Watch this. That means me.
B
If I have a new shirt, that means I'm new. Yeah, I see. I get it. Look, I. I bought a guitar recently. A little cool, cool guitar.
A
I got a guitar you might like.
B
The only things I like is what I can interact with.
A
Yeah.
B
A pool, a basketball hoop, you know. Great. A television. You're interactive golfing.
A
All right, let's go to the hot stories.
B
Let's go to the stories. I have a 17 hour drive, but I'm in.
A
No, like that. We always act like we're so busy for the podcast, like we just gotta buzz. If you go, you don't even try.
B
Oh, buzzing. Buzzing around. Okay, I'll just say it. I haven't given this a thought at all, but.
A
At all.
B
At all. Because I wasn't sure. But that's what I love about buzzing around. And you've got a whole.
A
Okay, I have to have Piers Morgan.
B
Pierce Morgan. Okay, we have him.
A
Maybe we're going to do all these people at the Knicks game. Is that help you? Is that something you could handle?
B
Sure.
A
It's time for Buzzing Around. Fan favorite, sponsored by five zero Energy's Firework freeze flavor. Ignite your taste buds with red White and blue freezer pop classic reimagined as a delicious fireworks freeze. Five hour energy shot. Find firework freeze shots online at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon today. And today's segment, by the way, Fourth of July is coming up, which is really kind of turning into a Joe Dirt holiday, to be honest.
B
With all the Joe Dirt is what you, you know, your movies do. They just travel, you know, like Joe Dirt was not like a hundred million dollar movie, but it's bigger. But this is the. The good thing. It's bigger now than it was even
A
then, I have to say.
B
That's true, Tommy boy. Joe Dirt. So I think that's a good thing
A
rather than they were planning on doing a Joe Dirt cartoon. And we will have more on that story later. Okay, so buzzing around, you're gonna have Piers Morgan. Who else? Well, you can pick anybody you want just to survive this. Oh, he was there. He jinxed the other game.
B
I mean, yeah, I usually do too many, but here, there's that guy. Okay, I got six puppets. Here we go. And they're at the Knicks game, right?
A
Yeah.
B
Do I hold the puppets up or I just do the voice now?
A
You just do one at a time. Okay, you can do it.
B
All right, here we go.
A
You take your time.
B
Yeah. So overwhelming. So Tucker Carlson was at the Knicks game and he was rooting for the Knicks and all. He just, the entire time, he was just in a state of hysterics. He was like,
A
You know, it helps that he's laughing in the picture.
B
Well, that's why I do it. Do I hold up the puppets or just do the voices?
A
I don't care. Whatever's easier.
B
So, David, do you watch sporting events?
A
I think that it does help that I can see you. That's funnier. Okay. I actually do. I watch a lot of the game last night.
B
That's what you do, is you just watch men running around, throwing a basketball round, and that satisfies you. You don't need anything else in life. Just watching men play sports. Is that. That what you're saying?
A
I mean, it sounds sexual the way you're saying it, but it's. It's not just for fun.
B
You don't have much of a life, do you? Is that the way you like to live your life? Very quiet, out of the spotlight?
A
Well, not on purpose, but yeah.
B
Here's. You're being kind of mean.
A
That is condescending and mean.
B
Don't get me started. Dana. Fluffy. What. What was. What was your movie? Wayne's World. From 1983.
A
God, he's.
B
He's mean. Ma', am, Danny was there. Senator John Kenny was totally accurate.
A
Okay?
B
Now, as far as I understood it, the idea is to win the game. Your words, not mine. But I saw people missing shots and throwing the ball out of bounds, getting paid millions of dollars. David's words, not mine.
A
All right, now, what is traveling? Can you walk nine steps these days?
B
I guess when they call it a slam dunk, is it really a slam dunk? Your words, not mine.
A
You think that's where they got the term, something's a slam dunk?
B
Keep talking. I'll have a move with you.
A
It's hard because it feels like that was the origin story, people slamming the ball in a hoop. I can't do him.
B
Your words, not
A
you. Put on Twitter.
B
Here's the most non sequitur one of the day. Dean Martin from heaven went to the Knicks show. Oh, honey. Oh, I'm telling you. Oh, the basketball game. Oh, and they had a little bit of wine. Oh, I don't even know who won. Everybody love somebody sometime. I was singing pretty good.
A
You know what this. You know what the spurs said last night was a kick in the head.
B
Kick in the head.
A
Ain't that a kick in the head?
B
Yeah. The Knicks win every time. And this is person the basketball plays. They throw the ball around. They get a foul, you're charging. You can judge them. When you put the elbow in the face and you break the clavicle and the different bones. And that's how you win the basketball game. Right. David Spade. Did you ever make a basket in your life?
A
You know who gets fouled a lot?
B
Wimpanyana. Wimpanyana. You can't defeat Wimpanyana. He's eight. He's eight and a half feet tall. He's wimping. Yeah. You know what they call him? David Spade. No, they call him the Alien. He's like a pred. I fought him in Predator. I saw him in the locker room and I said, what are you? That's all he said. And finally. Well, many people are upset by our system.
A
We need Reagan at the end.
B
Many people are seeing things they don't, like scores and things and politics as usual. People fight and argue, but we have to always remember we're the United States of America.
A
Right.
B
Excuse me. Excuse me. We're the United States of A. I beg your pardon. We're the United States Party. I think so.
A
Hang on. This has been buzzing around.
B
This has been buzzing around. And here it is. If you Want to pick me up? Trust me, it helped me many times before. Now you can see my mouth move and the illusion is ruined. Goodbye.
A
That was buzzing around sponsored by 500.
B
Anything else?
A
The iconic red, white and blue freezer pop flavor you crave with none of the sugar. Spark a tasty flavor sensation with Firework Freeze 5 our energy shots available online at fivernergy.com and Amazon today.
B
Summer what do you think about summer coming up?
A
Sneaks up on me. Yeah, I know it is coming up. I'm trying to juggle plans, juggle meals and enjoy the weather. Instacart's made that easier. I can sit outside, build my car with everything I need for the week, not have to step away from what I'm doing.
B
I've been leaning on delivery through Instacart for meal prep, especially David. Like getting fresh veggies, proteins, even those perfectly ripe avocado. I set my preferences once and it's so seamless it saves me a lot of time and make sure I'm getting all the quality I want. And the convenience is huge.
A
You know, when I'm busy or just don't feel like making a store run, I can order in the morning and have everything ready for the same day and sometimes in as fast as 30 minutes. It just fits into my schedule instead of the other way around. Instacart brings convenience, quality and ease right to your door so you can focus on what matters most. Download the Instacart app now and get
B
groceries how you like and do it instantly.
A
Finding a skilled hire takes more than just reviewing a resume as AI raises the bar on how experience is presented. Hiring managers need better ways to evaluate skills and fit and that's where Robert Half can help.
B
That's right. Our recruiters combine their expertise with award winning AI to review what's behind every application.
A
Quickly learn how we can find you specialized talent in finance, accounting, technology and more at Robert Half. We know talent. Visit roberthal.com talent today Summer is finally here and honestly completely changes the way I look at my closet. I find myself reaching for those things that are lighter, obviously more breathable.
B
Absolutely.
A
Pieces that feel easy but still look polished enough for meeting or a patio hang. That's why I'm such a fan of quints. They specialize in high quality essentials like soft organic cotton, airy linen. Feels nice without that staggering luxury markup.
B
I'm with you.
A
I just got their Mongolian cashmere tea. Very soft, perfect weight for the summer evenings when the breeze picks up and I collect my thoughts.
B
You Know, David, their European linen pants and shirts are also total staples, starting at just $34.
A
Sounds crazy.
B
34 quints keeps their prices 50 to 80% less than other brands by partnering directly with the ethical factories and cutting out the middlemen. They even have everything from upholstered sofas to. To premium bedding. If you're looking to upgrade your space.
A
Yep. Elevate your summer wardrobe, go to quint.com fly for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's q-u I n c.com fly for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com fly all right, we still get some stories in. Everyone's clamoring for our story takes. We have hot takes.
B
Five minutes. Five minutes. We can do stories. Gonna get in the car?
A
Rapid fire.
B
Yeah.
A
Oh, this is the next. That guy's bloody. They make him take his spurs. There's a million of these. Oh, God, it's unreal. That's a calm one.
B
There's so many crazy.
A
It used to be like, hooray. Remember our celebration?
B
Yeah. You high five. You shake hands with the people. Hey, good. Good game, everybody. Good game. Let's huddle up, Right? I cannot relate. You not like me team. Me beat you up. If you like my team. Me not beat you up.
A
I mean, what is Seinfeld used to be like? You're an adult cheering for laundry. It's like you have a jersey on. I like you.
B
I was watching a game once and Leno came in again.
A
Who.
B
Who's ahead? The reds and the yellows.
A
Yeah.
B
I mean, it is kind of fascinating how much you invest in it, you know?
A
All right, next story. Rapid fire.
B
Miles Garrett. LA takes the next five years.
A
No la. Taxes. Oh, Miles Garrett came from the Browns. Sorry. They break down what he pays. Now. No one's feeling sorry for this guy, but it is a bit of a fucking. It's a bit of a nibble. It is. Check 68 million in federal tax. Right away. Four out of 177 million. 67 million.
B
Okay, that seems.
A
That's national then. 4.2 million to FICA. 23 million to California state. They have a really rough state. 13. 9. 5 million to the agent. That's it.
B
I don't get the 5 million? That's like a 10.
A
We made.
B
10 would be 17 million. By the way, if you get drafted and you're playing for now, the Las Vegas Raiders, you. You don't pay that 23. 5.
A
No, that's a Big reason people go
B
to the Raiders and not here year after year.
A
Luckily, the Rams are great. But his net income is 78 million out of 177. So he lost 99 million million in the process.
B
The rich don't pay the fair share. He should not be allowed to keep $78 million. That's too much money for one human being. He should eat. He should get $2 million max. And the rest goes to the people who need the money. I'm Bernie Sanders and you can go fuck yourself.
A
That was a good Bernie. I think it's.
B
I know. I like Bernie because Bernie's been consistently a socialist the whole time.
A
So he's consistently not.
B
He's not joining the party party because it's hip. The only.
A
Why. Where. Why is he a possibly a millionaire? He has to give it back.
B
Well, you. Like you said last week. What's his name, Tom Steyer went to a trillionaire thing as part of his speech. Soon, soon we will have trillionaires. But you're a billionaire. Oh, I get your point. Yeah.
A
Dennis Miller would say Tom sty. The guy spent 150 million. Got. Got lost. He got third, I spent zero. I got fourth.
B
Yeah. We would have both had the same. Same outcome. I would have put down a singular rectangular greenback. A $1 bill. He puts in. He puts in 200 billion and we're both in third place. Okay, none of us are going to the governor's house. All right?
A
He said he goes. Reagan went against Mondale. When I went to bed, Reagan had 280 electoral votes. Mondale had three. Okay. That's the only three more than I had. I didn't run. This guy spent 200 million bucks. I almost tied him.
B
It's a way to observe things. Feel so good about yourself. Yeah, that guy's getting the game. They lost and I didn't. Wasn't in the game and I didn't lose. We're about the same kind of thing. I think it's kind of some kind of weird sort of flying too close to the sun motif. All right.
A
Mondale's gonna show up on American Express ads. Hey, remember me? A couple years ago I ran for governor. I got stomped like a narc at a biker rally.
B
With a name like that, you should start a shoe line. You should say hello to my brand new Mondales. You know, they got sidewalls on them. Size 10 and a half, I'm assuming. Okay. I'm assuming probably brand new Mondales is kind of funny.
A
We got to get Dennis Back in because it's been too long.
B
Yeah.
A
Okay. Next one. Then we'll wrap up Danny's ticking clock. He's got to go. What's this stupid one? Okay. Oh. Oh. Google. Why are all these places that aren't science? This is what drives me crazy. I don't even want a scientist to do this. Google's conducting one of the largest open air biological experiments in history. Is this mosquitoes or what is it here? Just playing. Should not be partaking and conducting one of the largest open air biological experiments in u. S. History because that's what this is. They do plan to release 64 million. Actually it's not 32 million. Like many outlets are mosquitoes. Counted up the numbers. Mosquitoes with like that have been castrated.
B
Mosquitoes.
A
Both California and California. Get out of here. And yeah, these male mosquitoes. These male mosquitoes are bacteria. So that. So they'll release them into the wild and then what are they learning the mosquito populations. Because they're babies. They won't be.
B
Oh it's.
A
They're trying to suppress something. Try to get them to blow blanks.
B
Right. Well we have a thing up here where our horses have to wear these kind of like masks. And one of the horse doesn't like the bass. But flies are attracted to like their eyes because it's sort of watery.
A
So gross.
B
So I think there's a thing where you can get wasps that don't sting humans or animals but they'll just eradicate all the mosquito population will go elsewhere.
A
Sure, I'll do that. But don't add mosquitoes to the equation. Especially if they're some experimental biological.
B
If. If you're gonna do that I want to see online or on regular television. Google. We're releasing male mosquitoes to reduce the population. Hundreds of thousands of them. We're Google.
A
You know make a. I'm tired of pregnant mosquitoes
B
introducing.
A
We cut their mosquito nuts off.
B
Yeah. Good luck making a batch of mosquito kids. Those days are over. We got you neutered mesquites.
A
We're insectile dysfunction.
B
I hope you had fun when you're getting laid in mosquito world. But guess what? Those days are over. I'm from google. So go thanks to Google. Guess what? This is just a fun fact. I may have said this before but I found it fascinating. So Walt Disney goes to the swamps of Orlando to build Disney world. And there's mosquitoes up to yin yang. Who figured out the.
A
How do you get rid of them?
B
Yeah. How did they. How did they get rid of the
A
mosquitoes freeze them and. No, no, what?
B
Mosquitoes will not lay eggs and cannot mate if they don't have standing water. So if you go to Disney World, all water is moving. There's no. No standing water.
A
I like to hear that kind of, isn't that cool?
B
Just. It always moves and then they go elsewhere.
A
You know, this is my last fact, because Heather asked earlier, I've heard at the Knicks, this is circling around to end up the whole show. The front row is comped. So I don't think Taylor Swift is paying 30,000 a seat.
B
Well, is it comped if you're famous, but what if you're just a regular wealthy guy?
A
I think if you get a season ticket, it's not comped. I think Ben Stiller probably pays for the season. But if I go to a game, Lakers, I think I've been offered Knicks this year. If I'm in New York and it's. The timing is right, I can get you. Someone goes, I can get you on there front. You can get courtside, two seats. Just give us a heads up. They don't say, do you have 22?
B
I heard it was 100,000 for this playoff game. Maybe if you're not.
A
I heard the worst seat last night was 3,000. So way up in the rafter.
B
I thought. I heard the worst seat was 10,000. What are you reading?
A
I heard your worst seat is the one in your kitchen.
B
I heard you have a permanent ban on going to Madison Square Garden.
A
I heard I take too much focus off the game because everyone's cheering for me.
B
I heard that Shaquille o' Neal once threw you the length of the court during halftime.
A
I hear. Hello, Neil once pick me up and swallow me like Stuart Little accidentally.
B
Why? I love anything that references Stuart Little. Because I read that.
A
Anything that I heard.
B
Fourth grade. Yeah, I heard that's not even a real shirt. You just. This is an AI.
A
It's very short, shimmery.
B
Yeah, it works.
A
Okay, let's get Dana on the road. Thank you for doing this, Dana. I know you really push some things around. You push your.
B
Not a big deal. I just wanted to be on the road 11 minutes from now. Driving.
A
Yeah. So good.
B
Yeah.
A
Well, we appreciate you coming. Have a nice trip and we'll see you guys next time.
B
See you next time. Bye, fly. Bye, flies.
A
All right, listen, if you're enjoying the fly on the wall, of course, hopefully you are. Click, follow. We don't want to be desperate, but obviously smash that God dang button on your favorite podcast app. Leave a review, a good one, leave a five star rating, nothing else, and maybe even share an episode with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. Dana what do you think?
B
I'm gonna tell you this right now. Hear me now, believe me later. Fly on the Wall. Believe it or not is presented by Odyssey and executive produced by Hold For It, Dana Carvey and David Spade or David Spade and Dana Carvey. We don't write this stuff. Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman and Leah Reese Dennis. The show is was edited by Evan Cox with production support from Phil Sweettech Talent Production and booking by Sophia Lepore.
In this lively episode, comedy icons Dana Carvey and David Spade riff on the latest in sports, celebrity culture, and everyday absurdities, centering on the fervor around the Knicks playoff run and Taylor Swift's star power at the games. As always, their banter covers flashes of improv, impressions, awkward encounters, and a dash of “inside baseball” about the world of comedy. Frequent collaborator Heather sits nearby, offering laughs and prompting some of their best stories.
This episode is a crash course in Carvey and Spade’s comedic chemistry: a whirlwind of contemporary sports and celebrity culture, with diversions into impressionist set pieces, personal stories, and meta-commentary on the life of comics. If you love NBA drama, Taylor Swift’s headline-generating presence, and a roomful of comedy legends riffing like nobody’s listening—you’ll feel right at home.
No need to be a Knicks diehard or SNL alum to enjoy the ride.