Cultivating Healthy Emotional Habits with Your Children

Summary

Podcast Summary: Cultivating Healthy Emotional Habits with Your Children

Podcast Title: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Host/Author: Focus on the Family
Episode: Cultivating Healthy Emotional Habits with Your Children
Release Date: January 17, 2025
Guest: Michelle Niedert, Professional Counselor, Author, Speaker, Podcaster

---

Introduction: Navigating Children's Emotions

The episode opens with Jim Daly and John Fuller addressing common childhood fears such as "monsters under the bed" and fears of the dark. They emphasize that children frequently encounter significant emotional challenges, which can be daunting for parents to manage effectively.

Jim Daly [00:02]:
"Monsters under the bed, being teased at school, fear of the dark, a best friend moving away. You know, kids are no strangers to big, difficult emotions…"

John Fuller [00:27]:
"Monsters under the bed. That one gets me. I think I was afraid of that one. That was a big one."

---

Understanding Children's Emotional Expression

Michelle Niedert joins the conversation to shed light on how children express emotions more openly than adults, partly due to their less developed emotional filters. She explains the importance of recognizing both imaginary and real fears in children and the necessity for parents to equip their kids with tools to manage these emotions effectively.

Michelle Niedert [03:55]:
"I teach our counselors two words, frequency and intensity. So those are the things we wanna look at at any age. We love that kids are saying 'I'm scared' because they're developing emotional vocabulary, which we want."

---

Common Mistakes Parents Make

The discussion highlights crucial pitfalls parents often encounter when addressing their children's emotions:

1. Ignoring or Shutting Down Emotions:
   Parents sometimes dismiss their children's feelings due to time constraints or a lack of understanding, inadvertently sending the message that their emotions are unimportant.

   Michelle Niedert [05:01]:
   "The first one is to ignore emotions or try to shut them down."

2. Discounting Feelings:
   By not validating a child's emotions, parents risk becoming emotionally distant, prompting children to seek support from less appropriate sources.

   Michelle Niedert [05:19]:
   "If we do that young, this is the one thing I really want parents to understand. You will lose the opportunity to be the emotional compass in your child's life."

---

Strategies for Managing Children's Emotions

Validating and Managing Emotions:
Michelle emphasizes the importance of validating a child's feelings without allowing emotions to overwhelm decision-making processes. Techniques discussed include:

• Parental Pivot:
  Changing focus to acknowledge the child's feelings while maintaining necessary routines.

  Michelle Niedert [06:27]:
  "First, validate the feeling, recognize what they've said... but we still have to get to preschool school."

• Emotion Scaling:
  Asking children to rate their emotions on a scale (e.g., 1 to 10) to help them contextualize their feelings.

  Michelle Niedert [18:04]:
  "On a scale of 1 to 10, how big is this really? And she says, I know it's a two, but it feels like an eight."

• Teaching Resilience:
  Encouraging children to endure emotional distress when necessary, with the assurance of addressing their feelings later.

  Michelle Niedert [07:50]:
  "Let us take some space... teach our kids the resilience of learning not to white knuckle it all the time."

---

Personal Experiences and Insights

Michelle shares deeply personal stories to illustrate the impact of parental responses on children's emotional health:

• Dealing with Personal Loss:
  She recounts the tragic loss of her husband's siblings to cancer and how it affected her young son, Nolan, leading to severe separation anxiety and nightmares.

  Michelle Niedert [08:18]:
  "Nolan thought that it was common that both parents died. So he had these horrible nightmares…"

• Breaking Generational Cycles:
  Reflecting on her own upbringing with a temperamental father, Michelle discusses her journey to becoming a mentally healthy parent, striving to create a safe and loving environment for her children.

  Michelle Niedert [14:04]:
  "Mentally healthy parents raise mentally healthy kids. So parents who learn to deal with their own emotions help their kids deal with theirs."

---

Practical Tools and Resources

The episode highlights Michelle's books, "God, I Feel Scared" and "God, I Feel Sad," as essential resources for parents aiming to foster emotional health in their children. These books provide a common language for discussing emotions and include practical exercises to help children articulate their feelings.

John Fuller [16:28]:
"These are great tools, especially if you have younger children or grandchildren. 'God, I feel scared' and 'God, I feel sad'... get these books from us here today at Focus on the Family."

Additionally, Michelle mentions "Managing Young Emojis," a book tailored for older teens, addressing a broader range of emotions.

---

Promoting Emotional Connection through Prayer

Michelle advises incorporating prayer as a means to affirm a child's emotions and reinforce their sense of being loved and valued, even during moments of parental frustration.

Michelle Niedert [23:06]:
"I just said, 'God, I am frustrated. And I know Sophia felt the full weight of my frustration in this moment. But I pray that in Jesus name she would know how loved she is.'"

This approach helps differentiate behavioral corrections from personal attacks, fostering a healthier emotional bond between parent and child.

---

Conclusion: Empowering Parents as Emotional Anchors

The episode concludes with a reaffirmation of the crucial role parents play as emotional anchors in their children's lives. By learning to manage their own emotions and validating those of their children, parents can cultivate a nurturing environment that promotes emotional resilience and spiritual growth.

John Fuller [26:09]:
"Michelle, thanks for being with us. If you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send you this two-book bundle... These are great resources for churches."

Jim Daly [26:38]:
"Call today or stop by the website and make a generous donation of any amount... Coming up on Monday, Dr. Barry Corey offers some perspective on showing kindness to others."

---

Key Takeaways

• Validate Emotions: Always acknowledge and validate your child's feelings without dismissing them.
• Use Emotion Scaling: Help children contextualize their emotions by rating them on a scale.
• Parental Presence: Be emotionally present and act as the emotional compass for your children.
• Resilience Building: Teach children to manage and endure emotional distress when necessary.
• Utilize Resources: Leverage tools like Michelle's books to facilitate conversations about emotions.
• Incorporate Prayer: Use prayer to affirm your child's emotions and reinforce their sense of being loved.

Resources Mentioned

• Books by Michelle Niedert:

  • God, I Feel Scared
  • God, I Feel Sad
  • Managing Young Emojis

• Focus on the Family Website: [Link in show notes]

• Contact Information:

  • Donation Phone Number: 800-232-6459
  • Counseling Services: 1-866-875-2915

---

This comprehensive discussion equips parents, grandparents, and caregivers with essential strategies to support children's emotional well-being, fostering a loving and resilient family environment grounded in Christian principles.

Transcript

[Jim Daly]

Monsters under the bed, being teased at school, fear of the dark, a best friend moving away. You know, kids are no strangers to big, difficult emotions, and these can be really challenging for parents to navigate. Welcome to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, and today we hope to give you the tools you need to help you and your child manage difficult emotions and ultimately take them to God.

[John Fuller]

Monsters under the bed. That one gets me. I think I was afraid of that one. That was a big one. Every bed had a monster under it.

[Jim Daly]

It's funny how you can get under the covers and feel safe.

[John Fuller]

But the good news, I think I grew out of that by 18. I'm glad for that. But, you know, these things do affect children. And on the one side, we can laugh at it now because we know as adults, older adults, that those things have no power. Those are all imaginary things. But oftentimes for some children, I mean, they both battle the imaginary fears, but some true fears. And we want to equip you as a parent. Maybe you're a grandparent. You could pass this along to your adult children to talk with their kids about. But this is an area that I think more kids need tools to be able to navigate these emotions. And they're not too young. You know, my mom died when I was 9, and I can tell you guys it was so important to hear more. Everybody cut me out of the information loop, but you sense it. You children have far more insight than adults realize, and you need to help them manage those insights.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. So the goal of today's show, as you said, Jim, is to give parents the tools so they can equip their kids. And Michelle Niedert is with us, and she's a professional counselor, an author, speaker, podcaster, wife, mom of two, and her podcast is called Raising Mentally Healthy Kids. And she's written a couple of books that we're going to talk about today. The titles are God, I Feel Scared and God, I Feel Sad. And of course, we have details about Michelle and these great books at our website. The link is in the show notes.

[John Fuller]

Michelle, welcome to Focus on the Family.

[Michelle Niedert]

Thanks for having me.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, it's good to have you. And from Texas. We have many friends in Texas.

[Michelle Niedert]

Yes.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. And that's good. And you're living right outside where?

[Michelle Niedert]

Well, the counseling center is in Allen, outside of Dallas. And then we live in a little town. Well, it used to be a little town. Now it's gotten a little bigger. Called Wylie, Texas.

[John Fuller]

Wylie, Texas.

[Michelle Niedert]

Everybody knows where Plano is.

[John Fuller]

Texas. This just sounds right.

[Jim Daly]

It's got a sound to it, doesn't it?

[John Fuller]

Let me ask you. You know, as adults, we aren't always comfortable with our emotions. Some of us, I think, especially men, that's one of the clubs we get hit with. I definitely have been hit with that club. You know that it just takes a lot of energy and thinking for us to get our emotions out there on the table. Then at the end of the day we're going, why did I do that? But for kids particularly, we can be a little more honest. As children, we do say things kind of just out there, don't we, as children?

[Michelle Niedert]

We do because children's filters aren't as well developed. A lot of times the world hasn't started blocking some of that in their lives. And so therefore they are more apt some to express their emotions. And really, especially in the, you know, the preschool years, to show you all the different emotions and all the different intensities of them. And then they go through these different hormonal spikes and their brain changes and then they continue to just oscillate between different levels of emotional intensity. For sure.

[John Fuller]

I mean, you're clinically trained, you're taking care of kids all the time in your practice. When do kids begin to kind of express these emotions? And then when do you see as a clinician, when it becomes an issue? How do you diagnose that? I mean, any three year old I'm sure, might say, I'm scared of that. Is that what parents should worry about? Is that normal development? And then how do you go about managing that?

[Michelle Niedert]

Well, I teach our counselors two words, frequency and intensity. So those are the things we wanna look at at any age. We love that kids are saying I'm scared because they're developing emotional vocabulary, which we want. And you're right, previously generations didn't want emotions to be on the bus. Even psychology tended to lean towards logic. Even Christian work did. And then we moved into this area where we are now where emotions are almost running our bus. Right. But what we really want to do is like empower kids to let God and them drive the bus, but have emotions on the bus. And it's really, really important that we do that. And so we wanna help kids gain perspective, for sure. You know, on a scale of 1 to 10, how scared are you? Is a great question for a parent to ask.

[John Fuller]

Those are really good. I do say us scared on purpose. I think I use that as grammatically incorrect. As a child, you were scared. I don't know why children lean to us scared but let me ask you this. Some common mistakes that parents make trying to help their kids process their emotions, what are they? The mistakes that we make.

[Michelle Niedert]

The first one is to ignore emotions or try to shut them down. And granted, you know, sometimes we're in a hurry and we don't have time for the full meltdown and we have to.

[John Fuller]

What is that?

[Michelle Niedert]

To help them cope. A lot of times it's just, we gotta go. I don't care if you're sad, if you're in a hurry, or it may be you don't even know what sad is. Let me tell you what sad looks like.

[John Fuller]

So discounting.

[Michelle Niedert]

Yes, discounting it. And that is, if we do that young, this is the one thing I really want parents to understand. You will lose the opportunity to be the emotional compass in your child's life. Because if they realize that you don't care about that and you're not approachable about that, they're going to find other sources to be their emotional compass.

[John Fuller]

Well, that's powerful.

[Michelle Niedert]

And you don't want that.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, that is so powerful. And in that regard, I mean, we discount kids so much. You know, as parents, what they have to say can be, you know, the kid. Were you this kid John, that asked why all the time? Why does it work that way? Why does it do that? Why does it ring? Why does it. I mean, it's just that annoying kind of thing. And if we're not careful, especially as Christian parents, if we're not careful, you do drive your child away because you don't feel safe to them. And as adults, we don't even realize that, that we're promoting that kind of distance in our relationship with our child. So let me ask you for the moms and dads right there. I mean, what is a better way? When you're pressed with time, you got to get out the door and your child's saying, I don't feel good right now, or I feel sad right now, what should they say?

[Michelle Niedert]

Well, the first thing I think we need to do, depending on the age of the child, is get on their level and give us do a parental pivot. Because we're usually juggling a lot of things, too, and trying to get ourselves out the door. If it's morning time, and I'm working with families, so we want to get on their level if they're little and say first, just validate the feeling, recognize what they've said. I know you feel sad, and I understand that. But we still have to get to preschool school. You know, sometimes I think. But you still have to go to work today, right? So. And I mean I lost my dad last year to cancer and I still had to do some things even when I was feeling sad. So I think it's also important that we let. There's a time and a space to. I took a break, you know, and we want to not let emotions shut us down, but let us take some space. But then we also have to teach our kids the resilience of learning not to white knuckle it all the time, but to learn how to push through emotional distress sometimes to be able to do things and then come back to that emotional distress at a more appropriate time. Sometimes parents never come back and that's the issue. We can get them moving forward, but especially if there's something going on. The other thing real quickly I want to say is that we want to name it and then we might want to ask them where are you feeling that in your body? And then lastly ask them what would you like to do to let go of some of that? And then we're empowering them too to manage their emotions or sometimes how could God be involved and you're sad and help you through it? That's a great parental question and a.

[John Fuller]

Good way to connect that because that feeling is going to be there throughout their life.

[Michelle Niedert]

Yes.

[John Fuller]

Unfortunately, given circumstances that will pop up. You had an experience with your own family loss where your husband's brother and sister in law tragically passed away of cancer. Sorry that that happened. They had to be young.

[Michelle Niedert]

They were. Well, she was in her 40s and he was in her 50s. We all had our kids young, I mean old. We were old when we had our kids.

[John Fuller]

40S and 50s are young.

[Michelle Niedert]

They are young. They're young. To me now it's kind of changed, but yeah. Jen was actually Drew's twin sister and within two weeks she and Dwight were diagnosed with cancer and they died two years apart with cancer, leaving behind three kids under 10. And my children spent the first four and a half years with them moving in and out of our home as they were. Sometimes they just needed to take care for themselves. So we actually bought a bigger car because we needed more space for five kids. But it was really hard on my youngest son Nolan, who didn't have a lot of language at that point. And I didn't. You know, the enemy can do really disastrous things in kids minds during that time. And that's why we want to ask good questions to them. Because Nolan thought that it was common that both parents died. So he had this. He was having these horrible nightmares. I found out after we went to the doctor with a stomach issue. And the pediatrician teased me. We're on small town. We're on boards together. She usually tells me, take my counselor hat off and put my mom hat on when I walk in the door. But this time she's like, I can't believe I'm doing this with you, but can you put your counselor hat on? Take your mom hat off. I'm gonna read you a case. And she's reading him her notes. And I'm like, he's got separation anxiety. And I looked at him and I said, are you afraid mom and dad are going to die? And he said, mom, almost every night I dream my husband was traveling at the time Dad's plane blows up. You have cancer, And I can't find Sophia. Oh, wow, that's devastating. And so we began to pray about that specifically. And I, you know, I normalized the fact that most parents don't die. And then we had to work on that separation anxiety. He was leaving school due to these stomach issues. And so the school counselor called me, and she said, I used to be the crisis counselor for a school district. She goes, this is kind of embarrassing because you're the parent, but you're the person I'd call in a situation like this. What do you want me to do? And I said, I want you to give him a job when I drop him off. Because when he sits in that gym, he thinks about leaving us instead. Could he be your door holder or something, where he's interacting with kids? And that way he won't start thinking about, you know, us dying or anything else. And then if he has. And my son's pretty quick with his work, so if he gets downtime in the middle of the day, and this starts when he goes to the nurse, I need the nurse to send him to you. I need you to read him a book, do an activity with him, and then let's see if we can get him back in class. Unless he's running a fever. And then let's send him home.

[John Fuller]

No. And those are the good, practical things you need to be mindful of. In fact, you encourage parents to listen intently, which can be a short stick for parents, because we don't always have time to listen intently to our kids because we're not sure they're going to say anything that we think is important. But you want to challenge that, to say if they're expressing themselves, you need to hear it.

[Michelle Niedert]

I think we need to listen with our eyes. And that helps a lot because that directs our attention and our affection a lot of times, too, because the eyes are the window to the soul. So that's a lot of times what. My children will even give that back to me now sometimes as teenagers. Mom, can you listen to me for a moment with your eyes? You know, and that means give me your full undivided attention. And let me tell you what. If we want kids to feel significant in this world and confident, one of the ways we do that is we see them. And that's when we listen with our eyes. We tell them, I see you, just like the Lord does with us. And we help them understand that, that the Lord always sees them too. And we're the vessels and the source of that in their lives until they have that experience more maturely with him.

[John Fuller]

You know, Michelle, we sit at this table, John and I, we talk to some smart people, some PhDs and counselors and psychiatrists. And so much of who we become is rooted in our family of origin. And what we're talking about here are things that these children are going to learn that we actually learned too when we were kids. And that becomes embedded in us. It's kind of our wiring, if you use a computer term, right. It's our programming. And some of life becomes how to undo those things that have been done most of the time, I would say without thought. Parents aren't trying to set up a young adult for failure, but that ignoring them, not listening to them, not counting their comments as worthy to be heard, those are devastating signals to a child, and that will become part of their fear structure. Most of the things the enemy will use spiritually against them as teenagers and young adults. Right?

[Michelle Niedert]

Well, I actually experienced some of that in my own home growing up while my dad was a deacon and elder in the church. And I mean, his last job was the head of pastoral development for maf. He was a very godly man, but he had a horrible temper and it was really out of control when he wasn't walking with the Lord very closely when we were young. And so I did have a huge impact with that in my own life. I was a very sensitive child. And he did not appreciate that always. And so we did have a lot of conflict when I was young. And even I would say to go so far as to some verbal and physical abuse. One thing that parents do, that's one of the biggest mistakes is when a kid is upset. We're projecting future failure through that on our kids. We need to be Real careful with that. Who we become as we move into adults has a lot to do with our family of origin, but especially in the family of Christ. And I'm a great example of this. My parents hit the mission field in young adulthood. Who we become can be greatly influenced by the family of Christ becoming new creations in our lives. And I do not think ever. One of the things I say, even with mental health is our diagnosis doesn't have to determine our destiny.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. I think in that context though, the fair thing is that these things potentially can be the shackles that you have to find the key, hopefully through a relationship in Christ, to unshackle your emotional heart so that you can grow in the Lord.

[Michelle Niedert]

And my dad said the best thing in the kingdom is watching your kids raise your grandkids, you know, because he told me all the time, I'm so proud of you. Even though. And he knew this, you know, I spent more time in mommy timeout than my kids ever spent on a calm down step because I inherited his fiery spirit. But there's not anger in our home. And I married a man that doesn't. Had. Didn't have that family legacy as well. And our home is a very safe place. In fact, we're hoping our kids are gonna leave it now, but. Cause they love being there. They love being there. That's a good sign. It's, you know, at 14 and 17, it's a pretty good sign. I tried to leave the home in that age range. I worked starting at 14, 20 hours a week, up to 40 hours a week just to stay away from just walking on eggshells in my home growing up and not knowing who I was gon to meet in him. He could be this wonderful warm person or he could be this angry person. So I do think what we. This is what I tell in the podcast all the time. Mentally healthy parents raise mentally healthy kids. So parents who learn to deal with their own emotions help their kids deal with theirs. That's really neat. And that's where I started was even in my own life dealing with my own so that I would not pass this. I mean this goes way back to a great granddad that would hold a gun too. You know, kids heads so very severe legacy of anger and abuse and really was intentional about breaking that generational curse even before I had kids in my 20s, while I was training to become a biblical counselor.

[John Fuller]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and today we're talking to Michelle Niedert about mental well being for parents. So we can Raise emotionally and mentally well kids. And she's written a couple of books that we're talking a little bit about about today. These are great tools, especially if you have younger children or grandchildren. God, I feel scared and God, I feel sad. As Michelle has shared, this is a way for you to really give your kids permission and grandkids permission to talk about their emotions and gives you a common language. Get these books from us here today at Focus on the Family. We've got details about them in the show notes.

[John Fuller]

Michelle, let me ask you this. I mean, this is a serious topic. We've kind of put a cloud on some of this discussion. The lighter side of this, I think you have a Taco Bell meltdown experience. This is so funny because this is where I lived when my boys were small. Whether the store and the candy checkout or, you know, whatever.

[Michelle Niedert]

Yes. So my daughter still doesn't eat breakfast regularly, which is. I always ask her too. But, you know, and this is part of what we learn as parents. There are battles to fight and there are battles not to fight, and there are things for our kids to learn on their own. And so I told her, I'm always telling the kids the plan. Cause I'm that kind of personality. So we're. I'm gonna drop you at school, we're gonna go to Taco Bell. Your dad's gonna take your brother from the soccer field. We're gonna meet at home, and then we're gonna go see your grandma.

[John Fuller]

This was Sergeant Logistics right there.

[Jim Daly]

This is all diagram bound.

[Michelle Niedert]

I am moving this path along.

[John Fuller]

Go, go, go, go.

[Michelle Niedert]

I go to pick her up, and as I'm literally in the parking lot, my husband calls and says, mom is headed to the hospital. We are not allowed to leave children unattended in Texas on a soccer field. So that changed what I needed to do. So I picked Sophia up and I was like, hey, you know, we can't go to Taco Bell right now. We've got to go. We're going to end up at the hospital, but I'm going to. We got to go get your brother. And she acts like I said, your grandma has just died. You know, she is like, I'm starving. I'm going to be a little dramatic here. You know, I'm starving. I can't make it that long. I can't go all the way to Wiley and then to the soccer field. And then you'll talk to people. I'll starve, and we gotta get home. And I, I just listened. And then I calmly said, to her.

[John Fuller]

It'S only Taco Bell.

[Michelle Niedert]

I said, on a scale of 1 to 10, how big is this really? And she says, I know it's a two, but it feels like an eight. And that's so true. Isn't that true in our own lives? Don't we have things that happen and we're like, perspective wise, this is not the way my emotions feel. But our emotions can get ahead of us sometimes. And that's why we can't let them drive that bus. And we've got to teach our kids that they're going to have them, but they just can't run their lives.

[John Fuller]

Yes. You know, one of the things you're saying that's so funny if you do marriage counseling, for example.

[Michelle Niedert]

I do.

[John Fuller]

As a patient? No, as a recipient.

[Michelle Niedert]

Oh, recipient, yes.

[John Fuller]

The counselor always says, you know, Jim, you might want to say it to Gene this way. You know, the other day you said something to me and it really impacted me in a bad way. Can I express that to you? And you're going, oh, that makes perfect sense. But in the moment, that's not how you're responding.

[Michelle Niedert]

Well, let's talk about why that is. So we work a lot with John Gottman, who's a theorist who actually uses heart rate to kind of manage that idea. So he takes a baseline heart rate. I train all our new couples therapists on this. And then if your heart rate gets so far above that level, then you stop talking.

[John Fuller]

Right.

[Michelle Niedert]

Until then. And so my husband loves this idea because he thinks our house would be very silent if I mean literally in marriage counseling, in the love lab for him, a beeper goes off and you don't talk. Can you imagine walking around with the beeper? Yeah. Having a beeper going off. So it's strapped. The heart rate monitor strapped. But here's the thing with that. You want to be talking with your children with a wise mind and that means that you are not hyper aroused. Let's get into a little neuroscience here that your brain is functioning well and that your hippocampus and your frontal lobe, where self control happens, is working. Now, I also want to remind you, your children's frontal lobes aren't developed, you know, and so that's going to make a big difference in their ability to manage their emotions. So what I ask of parents and family therapy is hard. It's hard for me to do in my own home sometimes. And that is my expectation of you, is you will be the calmest person in the room. And that means you must co regulate with God, because you need his peace that passes all understanding to anchor you so you can anchor them.

[John Fuller]

And that's when you were saying that, when you said to your child about Taco Bell and you said, well, on a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this to you? That's a brilliant comment. And it's just so funny that we as parents, we don't go there. I told you, we're not going to Taco Bell. Let's get down to a fight.

[Michelle Niedert]

And guess what you just did. You mirrored the emotions exactly. I instead kicked in the left side of her brain into the numbers so she had to think. And that shut down part of that right side of the brain that was over aroused and over emotional.

[John Fuller]

Right. It's kind of irrational. Like, you want to go here, you want to have a fight? Don't you know I'm your mother? Don't you know I'm your father? I'm going to win this fight. Let's go.

[Michelle Niedert]

Yeah. And I grew up like that. But here's the thing. I do love one thing and it's silly. Dr. Phil says this. He says, do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship? Well, that's a great question. I want to be in relationship. I'm usually right. But I'm going to manage them in such a way that either I direct that well or we take a break so our brains calm down. Or I let them learn a little bit and let them, because that drives them to the Lord too. The last thing we want to be, you know, we used to have helicopter parents. Now we've got lawnmower parents just plowing ahead. And I have really struggled with this with my daughter who's about to go off to college. But I'm watching the fruit of this. You know, she. And this is another thing we all these things that we want for our kids, emotional control, they're fruits of the spirit. Well, a 2 year old's barely a seedling, you know, and a 14 year old's what they've got a couple little grapes starting to bud. But sometimes we expect them to be vineyards.

[John Fuller]

Oh, yeah.

[Michelle Niedert]

And they're not. And I'm not a vineyard yet. So it's tough.

[John Fuller]

And I think especially as Christian parents because we have high expectations of our behavior, of their behavior. And so we better see a vineyard. Even though you're two. I want Fruit of the Spirit.

[Michelle Niedert]

That's right. And the Fruit of the Spirit is something we sing about in preschool and we learn to live out hopefully, well, as we age. It's one of my. I'm grateful now, even though we went through a lot of fertility treatment, that I am an older parent, because there is hopefully more fruit. And when I start, when she and I, or he and I, because I have one of each, start rubbing on each other, that's an indication to me that they need to go more to the Lord. I need to go to more to the Lord. I need to be. Because here's the thing I want to do. I want to plug into the spirit so I can be an extension cord of him to my kids and plug them in.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, that's so good. Right here at the end. Michelle, let's just cover this one thing. It's important to pray with your child and specifically pray for those difficult emotional experiences. How do you do that with your child? Not to freak them out or panic them, but how do you.

[Michelle Niedert]

First of all, short and sweet. I'll give you an example, okay? And the enemy can be really twisting with our words. One time my daughter looked at me, she was probably about eight, like I'd punched her in the gut. And she was headed up the stairs and I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, come back here. You know? And I said to her, what did you hear mommy say? And she said that I'm the worst kid in the world and I never do anything right. And I said, oh, honey, do you know what I said? I said, these shoes have been here for five days. Do you think you could take them up with you? Because I'm sick of looking at them. But isn't that funny that my tone of. Because 93% of everything we say is non verbal. So what she received from that and what the enemy twisted. I said, first of all, those two thoughts would never enter my mind. You are God's gift to me and I delight in being your parent. And then I said to her, let's pray about this right now, because I want to break this idea in your mind. And so I just said, God, I am frustrated. And I know Sophia felt the full weight of my frustration in this moment. But I pray that in Jesus name she would know how loved she is. Even when I'm frustrated with her. At the angriest moment we will ever have together, Sophia will know that I am proud of her and that she is loved because she is your gift for me. And Lord, help us to live that in Jesus name, amen. Short, sweet, to the point, and still.

[John Fuller]

Emotional today, but it affirms that child. That's what's so beautiful about it. And it really makes that distinction between, I'm not attacking you as a person. I'm trying to shape your behavior. And that's different. And I think we, as parents, we fail to make that distinction for them. So they know we're not attacking them.

[Michelle Niedert]

Especially when we're emotional and they're emotional. I think we miss that information.

[John Fuller]

Totally, totally. This has been great. And thank you so much. I used to draw the scared, sad, happy faces. I didn't know you could get a chart. I'm serious. I'm that dense. But I used to draw these out with the boys and say, how do you feel right now? And they'd circle one and we'd talk about it.

[Michelle Niedert]

Yes, we do that a lot.

[John Fuller]

But you got these great books. God, I feel sad. God, I feel scared. And you could probably just keep releasing these books into every emotion that children have.

[Michelle Niedert]

We're looking at that. And we actually have one for older teens called Managing youg Emojis, which covers all four of the emotions.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, that's a clever way to say it.

[Michelle Niedert]

Yes. Just to help. And the thing I love about these is I have grandparents who are telling me, like, I call my granddaughter and because they're latchkey kids, a lot of them. And so I call her and we read one of these on FaceTime when she gets home together. But she said to me, I'm learning things I never was taught. And I think that's so beautiful. I couldn't ask for the Lord to use this material in a better way.

[John Fuller]

Think of that. I mean, thankfully, we're contacting hundreds of thousands of parents every year through Focus on the Family. If we just do that job together, you being here, the books, the other resources that are here, our counseling department, and we help hundreds of thousands of parents do that job better. Connecting. I mean, I can sleep tonight and sleep very well. But Michelle, thanks for being with us.

[Michelle Niedert]

Thank you.

[John Fuller]

And if you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send you this two book bundle. A great way to get started. God, I feel sad. God, I feel scared. As our way saying, thank you for being part of the ministry, man. Share these like hotcakes with your own family. But others too. These are great resources for churches. And what a wonderful discussion we've had today. I'm looking forward to having you back, Michelle. I think you've got a lot more to say about parents and children. So thank you again for being with us.

[Michelle Niedert]

Thanks for having me.

[Jim Daly]

And as Jim said, call today or stop by the website and make a generous donation of any amount, either a monthly pledge or one time gift. And we'll send you that two book bundle of Michelle's books. God, I feel scared and God I feel sad. Our number is 800-232-6459, 800, the letter A and the word family. You can also donate and get Michelle's books when you click the link in the show notes. And coming up on Monday, Dr. Barry Corey offers some perspective on showing kindness to others.

[John Fuller]

It's easy to be kind when there's harmony in your family, but try kindness when there's dissension. Try kindness when you have a strained.

[Jim Daly]

Relationship with your husband or your children.

[John Fuller]

Try kindness when you're not getting along with your neighbour. It's a lot more difficult.

[Jim Daly]

Thanks for joining us today for FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Michelle Niedert]

Your marriage can be redeemed even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years. No matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a hope Restored Marriage Intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.