Deciphering the Secret Language of Your Spouse's Heart

Summary

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Episode Title: Deciphering the Secret Language of Your Spouse's Heart
Release Date: March 4, 2025

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Introduction to the Secret Language of Marriage

In this insightful episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller delve deep into the intricate "secret language" that spouses use to communicate their deepest needs and emotions. Featuring longtime marriage ministry leaders Bill and Pam Ferrell, the discussion revolves around understanding and unlocking the emotional codes that strengthen marital bonds.

The Username and Password Metaphor

Bill and Pam Ferrell introduce a compelling metaphor comparing marital communication to usernames and passwords. This analogy serves as the foundation for their book, Secret Language of Successful Couples: The Keys for Unlocking Love. They explain how each spouse has unique "codes" that, when understood and correctly used, can unlock deeper emotional connections.

Bill Ferrell [07:33]: "And so what I discovered is my username I was given on my wedding day, which is husband. So that gets me into the conversation, because I'm the only husband Pam has. The password that gets me into her heart is the word security."

Understanding the Wife’s Security Need

A pivotal point of the conversation is the concept of "security" as the password to a wife's heart. Bill shares his realization that providing emotional security is paramount.

Bill Ferrell [09:29]: "What security means for Pam is she's asking the question every day that she's with me, and the question is, is it safe to be who I am today around you?"

Pam elaborates on the importance of consistency and assurance in marriage, emphasizing that wives seek to feel safe and loved in their ever-changing emotional landscapes.

The Husband’s Desire for Success

Conversely, Pam discusses the husband's "password" — success — highlighting that men often equate success with their ability to meet their wife's needs.

Linda Ferrell [15:28]: "Number one way, like. And so the cry of their heart is, how can I feel successful, you know, with this woman in my life?"

This need for success isn't limited to professional achievements but extends deeply into the marital relationship, where men strive to feel effective and valued.

Overcoming Communication Barriers

The Ferrells address common communication challenges, such as husbands feeling inadequate in understanding their wives and vice versa. They stress the importance of stepping out of unproductive patterns to foster meaningful dialogue.

Bill Ferrell [25:00]: "You don't control your spouse, but you influence your spouse."

They advocate for personal accountability in communication, encouraging spouses to alter their approaches rather than expect the other to change.

Practical Tips for Improving Marriage Communication

Bill and Pam offer actionable strategies to enhance marital communication:

1. Listen Actively:

   Bill Ferrell [13:36]: "I'm going to listen to you until you stop."

2. Show Affection During Stress:

   Bill Ferrell [14:11]: "Show affection when she's irritated. It's the last thing we want to do... She's creating irritation because she wants to be close."

3. Express Appreciation:
   Regular compliments and affirmations can significantly bolster a spouse's sense of security and success.

4. Adjust Listening Capacity:
   Men are encouraged to expand their listening skills to better accommodate their wives' needs.

Bill Ferrell [25:09]: "Men, if you're having trouble listening to your wife, just set a goal. Like, I've got a capacity of two and a half minutes right now. I'm going to stretch it to five."

Personal Stories from Bill and Pam

The Ferrells share candid anecdotes illustrating their journey toward effective communication:

• Honeymoon Miscommunication:
  Pam recounts sharing too much personal history on her wedding night, leading to Bill feeling overwhelmed and unprepared.

  Linda Ferrell [11:00]: "I was trying to get everything out, and Bill just fell asleep on me."

• Overcoming Challenges Through Faith:
  Facing housing difficulties and personal dissatisfaction, Pam turns to Scripture for guidance, leading to a transformative lunch meeting where she reaffirms her support for Bill.

  Linda Ferrell [20:53]: "I commit 100%, I am on your team."

These stories underscore the importance of mutual support and the role of faith in navigating marital challenges.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts emphasize the significance of personal responsibility and consistent effort in maintaining a healthy marriage. They encourage listeners to apply the Ferrells' principles, such as embracing one's unique communication codes and striving for continuous improvement.

John Fuller [24:54]: "The only thing you control is you. You don't control your spouse. You really don't. So do something differently coming from you."

The episode wraps up with a reminder of the resources available through Focus on the Family, including counseling services and the Hope Restored Marriage Intensives, designed to help couples overcome their challenges and thrive together.

Notable Quotes

• Bill Ferrell [07:33]: "The password that gets me into her heart is the word security."
• Linda Ferrell [15:28]: "How can I feel successful, you know, with this woman in my life?"
• Bill Ferrell [13:36]: "I'm going to listen to you until you stop."
• Linda Ferrell [20:53]: "I commit 100%, I am on your team."
• John Fuller [24:54]: "You don't control your spouse. You really don't. So do something differently coming from you."

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This episode of Focus on the Family offers profound insights into the subtle yet powerful ways spouses communicate and seek fulfillment within their marriages. By understanding and applying the principles of the Ferrells' "secret language," couples can foster deeper connections and navigate the complexities of marital life with grace and resilience.

Transcript

[Jim Daly]

Focus on the Family has great resources for all types of families. And what I would encourage you to do is to go on their website, poke around, see what type of resources are available. They have an 800 number that you can call, you can talk to someone, you can even pray with someone at Focus on the Family, and they will steer you in the right direction.

[John Fuller]

Linda is a big believer in our mission to strengthen and support families, and that's why she gives monthly to focus.

[Jim Daly]

You know, whether it's just, you know, getting resources online or being able to make monetary donations, it's a great ministry.

[John Fuller]

I'm Jim Dailey. Working together, we can be a lifeline to families, giving them godly truth and hope. Join our monthly support team today by calling 800-the letter A in the word family or visit focusonthefamily.com families.

[Bill Ferrell]

The Bible talks about God shedding his love in our hearts. And. And I felt it happen. Like the day after I prayed to receive Christ. I woke up and I went, something's different. I gotta go figure out what this different thing is. And what I discovered is that when you receive Christ as your savior, the Holy Spirit takes residence inside of you. And he brings his power and he brings his love. So when I look at Pam, I don't just ask the question, how can I love Pam? I ask the question, how can God love Pam through me? Because that's available to me now.

[Pam Ferrell]

That's Bill Ferrell, and he and his wife Pam. Join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. They're going to be talking about your secret code as a husband and wife. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

[John Fuller]

You know, John, these days, everything has a secret code or password. I mean, everything has a password. Password is so frustrating, isn't it?

[Bill Ferrell]

It is.

[Pam Ferrell]

You've got to spend so much time proving that you're not some computer.

[John Fuller]

Basically, you have to carry, like, an old address book in your back pocket that has all your passwords. If you lose it, you're in trouble. But, man, I'm telling you, there is so much now connected to the code, whatever that code may be. And I never really thought about it, but we do have a secret code with our spouse, and that's how to unlock the heart. Right? And today we're going to talk with some great guests about how to identify the keypad, how to put in the right code, and then how to have a wonderful marriage. How about that?

[Pam Ferrell]

It's a really good program we have for you today. There's just so much From Bill and Pam Farrell. They have spent 40 years now in marriage ministry, and they founded an organization called Lovewise. They're popular conference speakers. They're writers. The book that we're talking about today is Secret Language of Successful Couples, the Keys for Unlocking Love. And so learn more about the ferals in this terrific resource. When you're at our website, we've got the link in the show notes.

[John Fuller]

Bill and Pam, welcome back to Focus. It's great to see you.

[Linda]

We always feel so at home here. It's like coming home. Oh, that's sweet, but I need to work out. I live at, you know, sea level. We live on a boat. Oxygen's a little fat.

[John Fuller]

You don't want to run around in the parking lot. But, but let me. I mean, that whole idea of seeker code. I love the concept of your book, the Secret Language of Successful Couples, because, doggone it, most of us husbands, we're still trying to figure out this code. I've been married to Jean 38 years. I got three of the four digits. I just need you to help me get that fourth digit, and I can unlock her heart. But it's a wonderful concept.

[Bill Ferrell]

The way I like to set it up for guys is us guys. When we get. When we get married, we think we're marrying one of our buddies. She just looks way better than all the guy friends we have. And then we get married and we realize, I married a woman and I don't know how this works. And it always amazes me that, like, marriage is a complex relationship, but it often comes down to simple things.

[John Fuller]

Now, what's so funny with that comment? There's going to be people watching on YouTube and people listening to us, and they're going, it was never difficult for us. I have met these couples when I speak, and they'll come up and say, you know what? We just never had a problem. We were just meant to be. And you go, wow, that's like a 1% thing.

[Linda]

Right? Right.

[John Fuller]

We wish that most people do not have that experience.

[Bill Ferrell]

Well, and in fairness to, you know, people who grew up in healthy homes, I think most of us did not. But for people who grew up in healthy homes, where parents modeled this for them, actually trained them how to do this, for those couples, it seems normal.

[Linda]

But that's not our background. My parents were divorced. My dad was an alcoholic. So I grew up with just turmoil. Like every family holiday, dial 91 1. I was just like, craziness.

[John Fuller]

Well, I call that the normal dysfunctional family. That's about 90% of the culture, I think grows up in that kind of home.

[Bill Ferrell]

In contrast to that, Pam started working with our boys when they were young on how to have a conversation with a female.

[Linda]

Like, I'd take them to the park, and I would ask a question, kick the ball. And they couldn't kick the ball back to me until they answered the question and asked me a question, because I wanted them to be good conversationalists with their wives someday in the future, because that was just not the norm. You're right. The dysfunction is more the norm. And when I met Bill, I realized, wow, this home is dysfunctional, too. He took me home to meet his parents.

[Bill Ferrell]

Like, in my home, if people were communicating, it usually involved yelling and throwing things.

[John Fuller]

Right.

[Bill Ferrell]

And so I didn't see it modeled. Like, how do you resolve conflict? How do you talk to your wife? How do you create an environment where your wife likes being around you and talks well of you? I was like, I have no idea how to do that.

[Linda]

So Bill and I were, like, desperate. Bill likes to say, we just knew a few things when we met each other.

[Bill Ferrell]

Three things, specifically. We knew that we loved Jesus with all our heart. We knew we were madly in love with each other, and we knew we had no idea what we were doing.

[Linda]

Not a girl.

[John Fuller]

Well, I just want to go back to teaching the boys how to have conversations with girls. How many graying children do you have?

[Linda]

We have seven.

[John Fuller]

You obviously succeeded.

[Linda]

Exactly. And our grandkids are actually really great people. People as well. Yeah.

[John Fuller]

That is so sweet. Let me go back to the whole theme of the secret code, and you mentioned in the book about an experience you had. The reason I'm laughing already is I've had this experience, too, where you go to check in at the hotel.

[Bill Ferrell]

So we were in a hotel, and, you know, the beauty of our world is there's lots of different cultures running around in this world, which we love. That and different cult, different pronunciation. Thank you.

[John Fuller]

Yes.

[Bill Ferrell]

So. So we are in our hotel room, and I want to get on the Internet. So I called down to the desk, and I said, hey, can I get the information, you know, the username and password for the Internet connection? And. And the guy on the phone said, oh, yeah, that easy. I went, okay. He said, it's B E air I E, B E. So I spelled it again, and it was wrong. Well, okay, how about the password? Oh, that easy. It Free. Rally free.

[John Fuller]

Okay, so you go to the line.

[Bill Ferrell]

And my only response was, I'll be right down. And I went down. The username was Believe.

[John Fuller]

Oh, my.

[Bill Ferrell]

And the password was three. The number three rally three.

[John Fuller]

Oh, wow.

[Bill Ferrell]

And I went, well, now that I've got it, it's simple.

[John Fuller]

Yes.

[Bill Ferrell]

But trying to communicate it was nearly impossible. And it hit me. That happens with Pam and I.

[Linda]

It happens in all marriages.

[Bill Ferrell]

Like, I think I know how to communicate with her. And then we get started, and all of a sudden, we're in a land I don't recognize, and I'm like, what happened?

[John Fuller]

That's so amazing. See, when that happens to me, I don't think about my marriage. I think, how can I get this WI fi going? What a good marriage guy you are. How does this relate to my marriage? That is awesome.

[Linda]

That's how we get all of our books written. Is that little aha moment.

[John Fuller]

Okay, so then the question is, how do codes.

[Bill Ferrell]

Yeah. So I started to think, okay, is basically, is there a username and password that would give me access to Pam's heart? Because I've noticed when I accidentally get connected to her heart, she's really easy to be with and fun to talk with, but if I miss the connection, it's a lot of static.

[John Fuller]

Now, here's the secret part. Pam, you don't say to Bill, here's my username. Here's my passport. For some reason, you guys want to keep that all secret. You don't want to tell us what is going on with that. Just give us the username and password.

[Linda]

Sometimes we're not even aware. That's why we can't give it.

[Bill Ferrell]

So what I discovered is my username I was given on my wedding day, which is husband. So that gets me into the conversation, because I'm the only husband Pam has. The password that gets me into her heart is the word security. And I remember when I first heard that, you know, as a young married guy, you know, guys would tell me, hey, your wife needs to feel secure. I'm like, okay. Like, I'm strong. I work hard. I'm going to provide. Like, what's so hard about this? But then I realized there's got to be more to this because there's something about it I'm not getting. And so I finally came to the realization that what security means for Pam is she's asking the question every day that she's with me, and the question is, is it safe to be who I am today around you?

[Linda]

Because we change a lot. You know, women have plenty of hormones, and so every day is a little bit different than the day before. Then one common denominator is change. And so we are asking every day, do you love me? As this version today, because I did.

[Bill Ferrell]

Notice some days Pam wakes up and she's, like, the easiest person in my life to get along with. There's other days that she's, like, really mellow and kind of laid back, and I want to do much. There's other days that everything in life is frantic. We got to get on right now. And then there's just some days in our home where there's a no fly zone. And the only thing I would say to her on those days is, would you like flowers or chocolate? Yeah.

[Linda]

70% dark chocolate. Yeah. Some daffodils.

[Bill Ferrell]

So I was noticing it happening but didn't know how to work with it. And I had to come to realize that she just needs to hear, hey, the person you are today is okay with me. And looking back, I realized I got introduced to this on our honeymoon, but didn't realize it.

[Linda]

Yeah, we were. Okay. So we do what honeymooners do. We go out to the nicest restaurant. This is up in Reno.

[John Fuller]

You spent more money than you had.

[Linda]

Exactly. You know, it's bad when they don't even put the prices on the menu. Right. And so it was lovely time. And we came home and we had a fireplace in the room. And so there's a reason that we also wrote Red Hot monogamy book. So we enjoyed all that. And I just started to share. I thought Bill wanted to know everything about me, so I started everything about everything. So I started to share every boyfriend I've ever had since, like, grade seven.

[Bill Ferrell]

I mean, Pam has an epic history.

[Linda]

Right?

[John Fuller]

Right. And so this is your wedding night.

[Linda]

I know, right? Like, really bad.

[John Fuller]

You should have called 1-800-A-FUSY. We could have helped you with that.

[Linda]

Obvious. No. Yeah, but Bill was, like, trying to hang in there with me, and he fell asleep somewhere, you know, when I was about 14. And.

[John Fuller]

Not that she remembers.

[Linda]

And so I'm like, he fell asleep. I can't believe he fell asleep on me. And so I start crying. You know, the kind of crying. Okay, women, be honest. The kind of crying shakes the bed to try to get him to wake up again. That kind of crying.

[Bill Ferrell]

And so I wake up, and I'm like, pam, what's wrong? Like, I thought we had a great night, and our honeymoon's fantastic. What? What's going on? You're crying like crazy.

[Linda]

Fell asleep on me. Like, I thought you loved me and wanted to know everything about me, but, like, you just fell asleep.

[Bill Ferrell]

Pam, I was just tired. Like, I. I think you're the most fascinating person I've ever met, which is why I married you. And I plan to spend the rest of my life getting to know you. I was literally just tired.

[John Fuller]

So that's on the security side, this idea of being secure. You love me, even if.

[Bill Ferrell]

And the key is, it's safe to be who you are today around me.

[John Fuller]

Okay.

[Bill Ferrell]

Because when women feel like it's safe, everything calms down.

[John Fuller]

Before we move to your password for Bill. You know, for men. I mean, we're in the 101 territory here, right? Password 101.

[Bill Ferrell]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

Sometimes we'll struggle to understand that.

[Bill Ferrell]

Well, this is not a language we speak.

[John Fuller]

Correct.

[Bill Ferrell]

Like. Like, Jim, I would never come to you today and say, hey, Jim, are. Are you feeling safe today?

[Linda]

We have never had.

[Bill Ferrell]

What's the purpose of that question?

[John Fuller]

Let's go play golf.

[Bill Ferrell]

Yeah. Like. Like we know safety somewhere on the list because you have to be alive to live your adventure. But the goal is the adventure. It's not the safety, right?

[John Fuller]

Actually, the less safe, the better the adventure.

[Bill Ferrell]

And if you moaned about being, like, unsafe too long ago, Jim, man up. Come on. You would go, oh, yeah, because we still speak this language with each other.

[John Fuller]

But that's. I guess the question I'm aiming at is, what are we looking for? Then help me with the ingredients of this marriage stew. What do I need to put in the pot to make her happy?

[Bill Ferrell]

So the first is a decision that I'm going to assume that the security need is always on the table, and I'm going to address it first.

[John Fuller]

What does that sound like in a conversation? I'm sorry to go to 101.

[Bill Ferrell]

No, no, no, no. It's a great question because it's one that should be asked.

[John Fuller]

Yeah.

[Bill Ferrell]

So what's the first thing men complain about? My wife talks too long. So the first way to provide security is I'm going to listen to you until you stop.

[John Fuller]

Wow.

[Bill Ferrell]

Okay, now for me, you're not going.

[John Fuller]

To say you talking, too?

[Bill Ferrell]

Can you get to the point? What is this really all about?

[John Fuller]

How about finish a sentence? Yeah, I'm great at that.

[Bill Ferrell]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

Gene will often say, why do you always finish my sentences right? Because it's taking too long. She doesn't like that.

[Bill Ferrell]

And what she's doing is she's connecting her life to you to see if you're a safe person in her life.

[Linda]

The more she connects her life to you, the more she feels safe and the more love will come towards you, which. That has a good payoff if the guys Think about the long haul benefits. It's like, okay, I can hang in there. Yes.

[Bill Ferrell]

And the other thing I would say to guys is show affection when she's irritated. It's the last thing we want to do. Like, when our wife is like, you know, at us, we don't want to show affection, so we try to argue our way out of it. Like, what's happening when she's irritated is an alarm's going off. Something's not right. Something's not right. Something's not right. When we try to fix it, it's like, oh, something's really not right. Because now he's defending himself, and now we're increasing the alarm. Where if the only reason she's irritated with you is her whole life's tied up with you and she wants to be close to you, but the atmosphere doesn't feel right to say that. So she's creating irritation.

[John Fuller]

Pam, we've gone with security. The wife's code. What is your code for Bill?

[Linda]

So my username was wife when I got married. And that secret code that unlocks my husband's heart is success. Guys want to be successful in all areas of life. You know, of course they want to be successful at work, and they want to be successful community and in the church and with the kids, but they definitely want to be successful with their wives. In fact, the number one thing that's like a complaint that we hear from men is there's just no pleasing the woman. Like, they just don't know how to succeed.

[John Fuller]

That's what they're saying.

[Linda]

Yeah, that's what they're saying.

[John Fuller]

Interesting.

[Linda]

Number one way, like. And so the. The cry of their heart is, how can I feel successful, you know, with this woman in my life? And so they want to be successful with their wives. And it sometimes shows up early in a relationship, and it. It can be confused with, like, maybe the male ego, because, like, a lot of times we hear about the male ego. And so I was. Bill and I, we came back from our honeymoon trip, and one of the first things we did is we went to a birthday party. Now, we lived in Bakersfield at the time, and everybody has a swimming pool. No matter what season, the parties are out by the pool. So we were dancing deckside, and Bill's like, a great dancer.

[Bill Ferrell]

It was going well.

[Linda]

Yeah, he's like a wonderful dancer. And so they were playing, like, our song, which is, like, unforgettable. And at the end, he just, like, does this big dip with me, and he drops me on the ground, dropped.

[Bill Ferrell]

Her right on the ground.

[Linda]

So I'm like, I'm on the ground. I'm like, honey, why am I laying.

[Bill Ferrell]

On the cement here and trying to keep it secret? I whispered to her, I just ripped my pants.

[Linda]

And I spun him around and I looked and I'm like, you guys. And I turned him to the whole audience, all of our friends, hey, look at Bill just ripped his pants. And I thought it was funny. All our friends thought it was funny. Bill did not think. Think it was funny.

[Bill Ferrell]

Was not enjoying the moment, right?

[Linda]

I could see that super silent ride home for 20 minutes and I realized, okay, God, I think I did something wrong. And I think that pointing out flaws in my husband in public, not really a good idea. It's not even a great idea in private, but let alone in public. And so I thought I should have, like, how can I help you succeed? Like, can I go get a jacket? Like, is there another pair of pants? I mean, you should have, like, that should have been what?

[Bill Ferrell]

It's hard for us guys to admit how emotional being successful is this. Like, if. If we know there's something in life we can succeed at, we'll put all of our effort into it. We will focus, we'll give it our all. If we face something we believe we cannot succeed at, we're going to run away from it. And it happens in marriage all the time. Like, men who feel like they can communicate with their wives, they'll jump in and communicate. If they feel like it's not going well, they just back off and they talk less and less because they're not succeeding. Men who feel like they can make decisions with their wives will jump in and make decisions and look forward to meeting men who cannot. Like, they feel like they're always getting criticized, always getting run over. They just start to avoid it. So men will spend lots and lots and lots of hours at work because they know they can succeed there. And they come home and they don't know how to succeed at home.

[Linda]

They come home late.

[John Fuller]

Well, they do retreat emotionally.

[Bill Ferrell]

And we're kind of afraid to admit how much influence our wives have on us if they were willing to compliment and to be proud of us.

[Linda]

So conversely, you know, God kind of clues us in if we're praying, okay, God, how can I help my husband succeed? And just a few years later, we were, we had just moved. Bill was taking over pastorate, and we had to move from beautiful three bedroom, two bath house to like a little apartment. And I was not very happy. And so, so, like, I was complaining like, how long do we have to live like this? Because it was so expensive in San Diego where we had moved, nothing seemed affordable. And so we're going to live in this little apartment that didn't even let kids play, like on the grass, on the sidewalk. It's like kids couldn't exist. And so I was, I was miserable and I was trying to make everybody else miserable too.

[Bill Ferrell]

And I was feeling like I'm failing my family and there's no way I'm going to please my wife.

[Linda]

And so one day I was just in misery and I went to the walk in closet to get something off the shelf and I didn't even remember why I went there. And I just sat down on top of this dirty load of laundry and I started to cry and I said, God, this is crazy. You know, I have a husband who loves me and I have two kids that are healthy and like, why am I so miserable here? Like, I complain all the time and oh yeah, that makes him wanna run home and spend time with me. Yeah, Lord, you have to give me an answer to this pain. So I went to the Bible and I began to look at all the verses that had been underlined and starred and asterisked and highlighted. And I came across this verse that was super familiar and it was out.

[Bill Ferrell]

Of Ephesians 5, which says, Wives, respect your husbands.

[Linda]

And so I said, okay, what does respect really mean? I think God, there should a loophole for times like this. And so I got out my Bible and all my Bible study tools because I was looking for the loophole, how I could not have to respect Bill at this time. And instead God showed me the formula. What does respect and honor really mean? And so basically God said, I want you to see Bill as God sees Bill, a man worthy of honor and respect because I gave him to you as a gift. I want you to speak to words that I would God use to speak to Bill. Words that would edify and encourage and lift him up. Life giving words. Pam, I want you to serve alongside of Bill, help him be successful in this new pastorate as a help meet. That's what I've called you to be. And so I called Bill on the phone. I'm like, hey, you want to go lunch?

[Bill Ferrell]

And Bill said, I think so.

[Linda]

He wasn't sure what he was going.

[Bill Ferrell]

To get because there'd been a lot of criticism up until that point.

[Linda]

But over lunch I shared what the Holy Spirit taught me in the Word. And I said, honey, you know, if I don't get all the things, the new house, the new cars, the things that I think that I need to be happy. I just want you to know that before God right Now, I commit 100%, I am on your team.

[Bill Ferrell]

And internally, I, if I were to say what happened internally, it was kind of a great big yes because something turned on inside when I, when I realized Pam believes in me. And Pam is going to help me with whatever God leads us on. Pam's going to be all in. And I don't know how to describe it, but her belief in me turned me into a better pastor and a better husband.

[John Fuller]

You know, let me ask you right here at the end, and we're going to pick this conversation up next time, but at the end here, your awareness of one another is a critical ingredient to this. And I'm thinking, Pam, of wives who are saying, yeah, but you don't know my husband, they haven't expressed that. And husbands that you don't know my wife, all she does is talk, whatever it might be. And so it feels like metaphorically those people that are not leaning in are backing up. And that's not healthy because you won't get to a better place by backing up or getting reclusive emotionally and not engaging emotionally. So right at the end here. But I'd like for both of you just to mention that for the wives, Pam, and for the husbands, Bill, how do you arrest that sinister side? This is never getting better. I'm just gonna go watch the football game, eat dinner down here and let it go.

[Linda]

You know what I encourage wives is. You know what? It has to start with somebody. Why not let love start with you? Because there's no downside. If we choose to be a loving person towards our mate, we become a loving person in all of our life. Our kids will love us better, we'll be happier emotionally. We will see God whisper like he did to me when I sit down the little laundry. And he will bring us to places in the words, God's word that will fortify us and give us hope for the on the horizon. And so you become a better person if you lean in to Jesus. If you lean into the word, if you lean into. You know what, hey, maybe it's only one sided right now, but I believe you are a big God and that if I help him succeed, somehow, some way you're gonna catch him up to your plan. Just like you've caught me at God.

[John Fuller]

Well, I think that's exactly right. And I guess, Bill, as you answer this idea of the insanity of doing it the same way and it's not working. I mean, but we do that as humans.

[Bill Ferrell]

We do it all the time.

[John Fuller]

If you think about it, it really is fruitless.

[Bill Ferrell]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

I mean, you got to get out of that groove and try something different.

[Bill Ferrell]

And in a more positive sense, like in marriage, it only takes one breakthrough to set things right. It's the same way we started this with usernames and passwords. You know, if you're a little bit off on the password, you can't get in. But all you have to do is get the password right once and you're in, you get access. So if what you're doing isn't working, try something different.

[John Fuller]

Yeah.

[Bill Ferrell]

You know, men, if you're having trouble listening to your wife, just set a goal. Like, I've got a capacity of two and a half minutes right now. I'm going to stretch it to five. And when I'm done, I'm just going to compliment her. I'm not going to answer. I'm not going to solve anything. I'm just going to compliment her on something and see if it makes a difference. Because if you train yourself to operate different, you're going to get different results. And if you hit the breakthrough, everything breaks open and the marriage starts to work. You got married for a reason. It can be revived, but not if you're stuck in the same pattern.

[John Fuller]

You know, in what you're saying, which is so true. Many people that sit across this table from us, John, it fits that same idea. The only thing you control is you.

[Linda]

That's right.

[John Fuller]

You don't control your spouse. You really don't. So do something differently coming from you.

[Bill Ferrell]

You don't control your spouse, but you influence your spouse.

[John Fuller]

Oh, yeah. Both positively and negatively.

[Bill Ferrell]

And if you're willing to do something different, it will have some.

[John Fuller]

That is so good. And we're right at the end today, but I think we've kicked this off in a great direction. And let's come back next time and keep the conversation going and hopefully give you more tools on how to do marriage better, especially in the Christian context as believers. But everybody can apply these principles and do better in their marriage. Get above the line. Bill and Pam, thanks for day one. Appreciate it.

[Pam Ferrell]

Yeah, this has been so good. And you can follow up on this great conversation when you get a copy of the book, the Secret Language of Successful the Keys for Unlocking Love. We have that here at Focus on the Family.

[John Fuller]

You know, John, before we get into the details on how to get that resource, I'd like To remind everybody that we have caring Christian counselors who will listen, pray with you, and get you on a better path toward healing and hope. And I think that's what it's all about, right? Going toward a more godly direction. And for marriages that really need help, we have our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives that we have talked about time and again here at Focus on the Family. We have several locations around the US now, and they are helping husbands and wives find healing in their relationships.

[Pam Ferrell]

Yeah, they do such good work there. And Jim, as you know, Dina and I had a chance a number of years ago to attend a Hope Restored Marriage retreat. And wow, it changed us in so many wonderful ways. We still use the tools to this very day.

[John Fuller]

Well, that's usually what happens. It's got an 80% post two year success rate. I don't know of anything that's hitting that kind of number that's going on in the country to save marriages. And the bottom line is none of this is possible without generous friends like you. As a nonprofit ministry, we depend on your financial support. And if you aren't already a member of our friends at Focus on the Family, I want to urge you to join our march membership drive. We've set a goal of finding 1,000 people to join a community of monthly sustainers who care deeply about families. Your monthly gift will help us provide all the resources to meet the needs of families and help them heal through Christ.

[Pam Ferrell]

Yeah. So join the support team today. And when you do, request your copy of Bill and Pam's great book the Secret Language of Successful Couples. Details are in the show notes or call 800-the- Letter A in the word family. And when you make that monthly pledge today, a gift of any amount will send a copy of the book the Secret Language of Successful Couples as our way of saying thank you for joining the support team. Of course, if you're not in a spot to make a monthly ongoing gift, we certainly can appreciate that. And we'll say thanks for your one time donation by sending a copy of the book as well. We'll plan to join us next time for more with Bill and Pam Farrell. And for now, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Unknown]

If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.