← Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
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- [00:01]
A
Everything Focus on the Family has to offer all in one place. Just download the Focus on the Family app. You'll have access to our entire library of resources to help your family thrive in Christ, like Adventures in Odyssey, informative articles and over a dozen podcasts, as well as free marriage and parenting assessments. Download the Focus on the Family app today for free at your App store or@focusonthefamily.com app that's focusonthefamily.com app.
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B
If there's one word that points out the difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy marriage, it is planning. You know, happy, successful couples plan to go to church this Sunday. They plan to give each other a meaningful hug, meaningful kiss. Today. They plan how are we going to connect tonight? When are we going to turn off the technology and look each other in the eyes and just talk? They plan for dates together to strengthen their marriage relationship.
- [01:00]
A
Insights from Dr. Randy Schroeder. And you'll hear more as he has some very practical advice to strengthen your marriage. Thanks for joining us today. For FOCUS on THE Family, I'm John Fuller and your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly.
- [01:14]
C
John, I think everyone wants a happy marriage. I hope that and there may be some listening or viewing that their marriages are at a place where it's not about that. It's just a matter of being together and sticking together. And we're going to cover some great material today that's going to give you the handles to do better in your marriage. If you're in a serious situation, please call us and John will give those details. This is going to be that kind of tune up program for marriages that might be struggling a bit, but they're on the right general path marriage. But again, if you're in a much more difficult place, give us a call and we can help you there. We are going to cover some great content. You know, the Bible recommends a different path to happiness than what I think we in the Western world think about when it comes to happiness. Proverbs 4, 5 says, get wisdom, get insight. And Proverbs 19:8 says, he who gets wisdom loves himself. In other words, if you want to enjoy life and have a shalom, a peaceful life, find practical knowledge for living. I think it all starts with our marriages. I mean, you want peace in your life, have a peaceful marriage and everything else kind of cascades from there. So I'm looking forward to our program.
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B
Right.
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A
And Dr. Randy Schrader has been here before. He's a pastor, a former seminary professor and a marriage and family counselor. He and his wife Jenny have been married for over 45 years and they have two children and six grandchildren. And he's written a number of books. The one we'll talk about today is called Simple Habits for Marital Happiness. Practical Skills and Tools that Build a strong, satisfying Relationship. Contact the ministry today for your copy of that book. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family or click the link in the show notes.
- [03:01]
C
Dr. Randy, it's great to have you back.
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B
Well, it's great to be back, and I look forward to providing simple yet very effective habits for couples to improve and strengthen their marriage.
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C
I love what you've said on earlier programs that we've done. You've written a book for parenting and a book on marital happiness here that we're going to talk about again today. We did a previous program on this, but we're going to cover some of the other information here. And I'm so excited when we get a really good resource like this that is so sound fundamentally okay for the skeptic, the person out there going, it's not about happiness, it's about joy. And it's true. I mean, being a Christian, you want a joyful life, but happiness counts, too. So just hit that for the purists that are listening that Dr. Randi, life is about joy, not about happiness.
- [03:49]
B
Well, no marriage is consistently happy or is happy every day. I should say consistent marriage satisfaction is the goal. You know, we can have ups and downs, and yet through habits, couples can have a strong, satisfying relationship. 80% of our behaviors are habits. And couples that have a successful, happy marriage have a gratifying relationship because they have daily, healthy habits. They share loving words, loving actions every single day. And that keeps that relationship consistently happy.
- [04:27]
C
Yeah, in that context, for the person listening, let's assume it's the wife who's listening right now or viewing. And she can't imagine that some things have deteriorated in their relationship. They haven't put basic fundamentals into play, and it's just kind of on autopilot. Is there really hope for them?
- [04:48]
B
There is definitely hope. Jim and John, I have helped more than probably 2,000 couples achieve a consistently satisfying marriage. The sad thing for most couples is every almost 100% of couples want to have a happy marriage, but they don't have the specific words and actions and knowledge to get there. And that's what is lacking. Motivation is great, but if you don't know how to do it and what to say and how to say it and what to do on a daily basis, then it makes having a happy marriage almost extremely difficult or impossible.
- [05:23]
C
Well, I think we have laid the groundwork. Let's get into the four daily essentials. These are things again you mentioned early in the book for couples. Take us through the first two of those four essentials.
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B
Well, the four daily essential habits are essential. They need to happen. And what I have seen in troubled relationships, couples stop saying I love you. And in fact, complacency is the dreaded disease that can really damage a marriage relationship. They become complacent, and they don't say I love you every day. So the first daily essential habit is whoever or whenever a spouse leaves the home, they need to say goodbye, I love you. Doesn't make any difference if they're going to work, they're going to the grocery store, they're going to the hardware store. They say, goodbye, I love you, and then the other spouse needs to return or gets to return. It's not a need to, it's a get to. It's a privilege. I love you. Have a good day, or drive careful wherever you're going. And there's a practical rhyme. I will never leave the house without hugging and kissing my spouse and saying, I love you. And so that's the first essential. The second one is, good night, I love you. A lot of couples don't go to bed at the same time. Or, or if they do, want to roll over first to go to sleep every night, whoever goes to sleep first will say, good night, I love you. And then the spouse can return, good night, I love you. And so there's four I love you's every day, which overcomes that dreaded disease, or part of it of complacency.
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C
No, that's good. I appreciate that. The third one is really about habits and developing those good habits. And you say the first five minutes of the day, number three comes into play. I'm keeping your rhyming going, but hit it with some.
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B
Good job. Good job. We're rhyming all over the place. Yeah. The first five minutes of the day set the tone for the day not only for an attitude, but also for a marriage relationship. And so couples need to avoid the Cs. I stress that to parents, I stress that to couples. The correcting, criticizing, complaining, condemning. You know, I've heard thousands of spouses say, you know, I wake up and the first thing I hear is, you forgot to put your coffee cup in the dishwasher last night. You know, it's a criticism. And so the first five minutes, a spouse doesn't have to be bubbly, joyful, but they need to avoid the Cs. So they begin the day positively. That is a habit that needs to be in place.
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C
We're going to go a little deeper with each of these. So for people going, ah, I want to hear more about that. We will in a minute. So hang on. Habit 4 is how you end the day with your spouse. Other than I love you. You call it the two within 20.
- [08:10]
B
Yes, sir. It's spending two minutes together within the first 20 minutes that the last spouse arrives home after work or whatever. And so it doesn't. Some spouses like to unwind. They like to go change their clothes, check the mail, do that. So it doesn't have to be immediate. But at some point in those 20 minutes they need to reconnect emotionally. They need to make that eye to eye heart connection. The eyes are windows to the heart. Couples forget that they need to look in each other's eyes, spend two minutes checking out how the day went for both of them and giving a meaningful hug and kiss. That is a daily essential habit is to give a 10 second hug, 10 second kiss every day. A meaningful hug and kiss happens in those two minutes within the first 20 minutes.
- [08:58]
C
That seems pretty reasonable. Two minutes. I mean, just invest in your marriage. Yes, sir, but I'm guilty. I don't do that every day. I do it some days and probably need to do it more days. So I like this.
- [09:10]
B
You and I are alike. All spouses are imperfect. Even though I'm a marriage expert, I don't do it perfectly either.
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C
Jim, isn't that the truth? Complimenting your spouse is powerful. I think we know that sometimes, you know, I think we get a little wounded so we pull back on that. I would say it doesn't have to be a severe wound, but maybe just a little nick. And then we don't want to compliment you for the next 24 hours. Not that I've given a lot of thought to.
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B
You got a friend who does this?
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C
Yeah. But I guess many couples kind of lose that art, if I could call it that. What causes couples to stop appreciating one.
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B
Another, it is that complacency and just they stop being a good finder. You know, they say a good finder. Yes, sir. They're not good finders. They. It's too easy to slip due to our sinful nature and become fault finders. And so couples need to complement each other every single day. And I think it's good. I always define gratitude as saying thank you, it's good to say healthier. I would say to say I appreciate. That lifts a spouse up and that is praise. Praise creates positive energy in a marriage. And it's interesting to me. Every counseling session. I've done thousands and thousands of counseling sessions with couples. Every session I begin with a couple, I have them appreciate each other. And it's amazing to me how difficult that is for spouses. Now I'm seeing troubled marriages or marriages that are struggling and want to get stronger. Yet for a husband to tell his wife, I appreciate, and then I ask the wife, will you please always say thank you for the compliment? And then husband, will you please say you're welcome after you give the compliment? And those three niceties are tough. It just doesn't happen. It's just unbelievable.
- [10:58]
C
Tell us about your even, odd rule. What is that?
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B
This is another practical one that is a biggie. I see so many marriages that one spouse says, my spouse is complaining about all our life issues. Every person on the face of this earth has different issues going on. Now, it could be something like the brakes on the car need to be changed. Okay, and who's going to take the car to the shop to get the brakes changed? But couples can have 50% of their life positive by not talking about problems on even dates. When I think of the word even, I think of smooth, calm, tranquil. And so on even dates, they avoid problem talk because some spouses have the tendency just to complain about everything every day. So there can be no complaints. You know, it just has to be positive. And then on the odd dates, couples can talk about and kind of complain about work and complain about life issues. And they should Only last for 30 minutes at the most an hour. So the rest of the evening together is positive. Coffee, casual conversation. When I see and I unfortunately have seen numerous cases of adultery, the betrayed spouse wants to talk about the affair every day. And rather than help the marriage get on the road to healing. And I've helped numerous marriages get over affairs and have successful, happy marriages. They just don't want to talk about that adultery every day. They do it every other day on the odd dates.
- [12:32]
A
This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is Dr. Randy Schroeder, offering very biblical insights in his book Simple Habits for marital happiness. It'll really be beneficial to you and or somebody you know. So get a copy of it from us here at Focus on the Family. Click the link in the show notes or call 800-THE LETTER A in the word family.
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C
Randy, that odd or even what jumped in my mind is Jean and I in the airport, and, you know, she accidentally drops the suitcase on my toe, and I gotta first think, okay, this is an even day.
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B
Oh, love.
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C
Why would you have dropped that on my toe? And if it's an odd day, what are you doing dropping that on my toe.
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B
Now, we always have to watch our tone of voice and body language. Yes. Yeah, we got it. But. But you're correct. That even, odd guideline is not a rigid rule. You know, something big comes up, you know, you know, but it does help couples have 50% of their life positive.
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C
No, it's good. It's good. And it's good to remember, be practical. But I love that at least it contains that negative emotion. Let's move in that direction. Cover habits that we need to avoid. Let's start with a hard one, which is sarcasm. I mean, it kind of goes to my personality. Yeah, you too.
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B
Yes.
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C
Okay, so, okay, you got two clients here.
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B
I like your sense of humor.
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C
Okay.
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B
Yeah, we all can be sarcastic, and yet, sadly, 90% of our sarcasm is usually negative. And so the Greek word for sarcasm is tearing of flesh.
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C
Can you give us an example in a counseling session that you remember where. Let's work with husbands. I mean, the husbands seem to be very good at sarcasm. What did it sound like? Just so people catch it?
- [14:18]
B
Well, just, you cook all the time, and she really doesn't cook all the time. So it's kind of hidden anger. I'm going to jab you. And then I'm saying, well, I'm just teasing. You know, I didn't really mean it. And that's what happens with sarcasm. It devalues the spouse. It puts them down, and then the other spouse will say, well, you just can't take a joke.
- [14:36]
C
It kind of. It's deflating to the other person.
- [14:39]
B
If you do it with humor, it is. And I saw a couple, had a son who had very low self worth, lacked motivation, struggling in school, struggling making friendships. And often when I. Probably 100% of the time when I counsel children, I ask parents, are you sarcastic with your kids? And almost 100% of the time, they say, yes. And I say, from this day forward, never ever be sarcastic with your kids again and never be sarcastic with yourselves in your marriage. In fact, they were struggling in their marriage. They had a trouble relationship. I remember they saying, well, Dr. Schrader, we won't be sarcastic with our son, since you asked for that, but that's the way we relate to each other. We kind of Jab each other. And I said, well, will you please not do that? Well, they stopped their sarcasm with their son. And what happened? He became motivated, developed self confidence, did better at school and just turned it around just from. There were other ideas as well that I gave them. Parenting, simple yet very effective habits. But they continued to do that in their marriage relationship. And did their marriage and relationship continue to struggle? Yes, it did.
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C
Interesting.
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B
They didn't give up the sarca. No, they didn't apply it to themselves in their marriage.
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C
I think Gene really helped me one time. This is a long time ago in our marriage, but, you know, I could throw the funny dig. And I just remember her saying to me, you know, that really doesn't help me. And it stuck with me, you know, like I thought it was funny. And I don't think, particularly for guys, I don't think a lot of guys know that it hurts.
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B
Yes.
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C
I mean, it sounds bizarre that we wouldn't realize that, but we thought that was a 10 on the laugh meter.
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B
Right.
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C
And we think that's the achievement. And then when your wife pulls you aside and says, please don't do that in public, it really demeans me. You go, what? I didn't mean to do that.
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B
Yeah, no, it can be. It's an emotional slap, kind of an emotional whack to a spouse. Now, can there be healthy sarcasm? Sure, 10% of the time. But most of the time the three of us and everyone needs to just watch out with that sarcasm because it can really destroy a relationship or put it on yourself.
- [16:48]
C
It's always a good way to do it.
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B
Yeah.
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C
Point the sarcasm at your own actions.
- [16:52]
B
Exactly.
- [16:53]
C
The Bible discusses leaving and cleaving man. Are we concentrating on that one nowadays? Jesus never talked about other forms of marriage. He said, a man will leave his mother and father and, and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. You know, oftentimes in laws can play a role in the relationship. So what's the difference between a healthy close relationship that is normal and then that overly attached person to their parents and the husband or wife saying, man, that's a little odd, that over attachment.
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B
And that's a great question. And I always say without a healthy leaving emotionally and physically, a lot of adult children want to live within one minute of their parents. It's hard to have a healthy cleaving to one's spouse. And so that leaving and cleaving is absolutely essential. And what I have found is that it's kind of a have to. If an adult Child says, I have to talk to my mom today. I have to talk to my dad today. And it's not just once. It's three, four, five, six, seven, ten times a day. I remember I had a couple drove two hours to come see me for marriage counseling because they had heard how many couples I helped achieve a satisfying, successful marriage. And one of the things I noted is that she was overly attached to her mom. And I said, I think it's good you and your mom have a loving relationship with. What would you think about contacting your mom once in the morning, once in the afternoon, versus what, what, about 10? Wow. And I remember she said, Dr. Schrader, she said, I don't think that's biblical. And she said, I want to, you know, talk to my mom over and over and over throughout the day. In fact, every night after dinner, the first thing she did was contact her mom rather than sit down and talk to her husband. And, of course, they never came back to see me because she thought I was full of baloney. And. And yet that was what was hurting their marriage, is because she was. She didn't have a mom. She had a mommy, and I've had a lot. And so she needed to break that umbilical cord, that emotional umbilical cord, and cleave to her husband.
- [19:09]
C
Well, and then, I mean, the cascading effect of something like that is the husband finds news, weather, and sports, and he just lives there, and she's on the phone and.
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B
And sadly, what I have also seen, not just news, weather, and sports. Another person.
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C
Yeah.
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B
Has an affair with another woman. Yeah.
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C
Right. So that. Those are the. The rail. And, you know, not to say that that is the woman's fault that a man would act that way.
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B
We've all got a question. Never make excuses for simple behavior.
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C
So I want to make sure we say that. Yeah. Under that avoiding the bad habits banner, you know, we got this new thing, relatively new thing called technology, and you have to manage that in your marital relationship, because you can.
- [19:48]
B
Boy.
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C
When Gene and I go out to dinner, we look across the restaurant at different couples, and they both got their phones out. They're not really talking to each other. They're just looking at their phones. So what are some good habits in the technology area, and what are the bad habits to avoid?
- [20:04]
B
Great question. And I think couples need to do what I call quiet connects. And I actually have that in simple habits for marital happiness. And I got that from a couple that I saw in counseling. They. Several years ago, quite a few years ago, we had the power go out in almost our whole town. And this couple that I was counseling said what they did when the power went out, it was late in the afternoon, is they lit candles and sat in the living room and they talked for several hours about their fun memories of when they were dating, about some of the fun things they did on various vacations, about what vacations they want to do in the future. And after doing that, they came in and they said, Dr. Shredder, we're going to do that once a week, have no technology. Cell phone, the other room, tablets in the other room, TV off. And we're just going to sit there and look into each other's eyes and talk about fun things that happen during the day and fun things we're looking forward to doing and just have coffee, casual conversation. And so from that, I started suggesting to all couples, let's have quiet connects. And I think we can do that. Also in the car, you know, rather than listen to music or listen to a podcast and not talk to one another, my wife and I turn the radio off, and I suggest to all couples, turn the radio off and talk to each other. Now, you can't look each other in the eyes, but you can still emotionally connect through that, building up conversation.
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C
Yeah. Relationship.
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B
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
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C
Randy, let's cover a couple of other elements right at the end here. Memory matching. I found that to be kind of interesting. What do you caution couples about? What is it and how do you caution couples with it?
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B
Well, I say avoid the 2M words. And so one, like you said, Jim, is memory matching. Our memories are always excellent and always the truth from our perspective. And so what can. I've seen it over and over, heard a lot of marriage relationships, and I'm forever saying it when I counsel couples is couples that say, this is what you said. No, this is what you said. No, this is what you said.
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C
It's kind of the contest.
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B
Yeah, it's a contest, you know, and when couples learn to say, we're not going to memory match, our memories are excellent. From our perspective, we're just going to adopt the phrase no memory matching. That is one step toward a more successful, happy marriage.
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C
How do you remember something together when you'd say, do you remember when we were at the. You know, at the beach? We were never at the beach.
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B
Well, and there's a story like that.
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C
We know from Greg Smalley. He was telling Aaron, his wife about this memory about he and her being somewhere, and it was another girl.
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B
Oh, my goodness.
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C
Before they got Married.
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B
Oh, my goodness. Not good. Not good.
- [22:47]
C
That's a funny story, though.
- [22:48]
B
Oh, yeah.
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C
And you don't want to memory match that one.
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B
No, that's for sure. That's for sure. Yeah. No, you want to avoid memory matching. And then second, you want to avoid mind reading.
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C
All in favor?
- [23:02]
B
You know, psychologists, counselors are trained to read minds. Nobody can read minds. And it can be very frustrating. Like I mentioned earlier, I've known my wife almost a half a century. You know, we know each other pretty well, but if we read each other's minds and we're right, that can be kind of annoying. And so it's better to ask, what are you thinking?
- [23:24]
C
But you're still right.
- [23:28]
B
And it can just lead to heartache. And the other thing, we can be wrong and that can really be frustrating. If we thought we had our spouse's mind read and it was wrong. I saw a couple whose husband was on a business trip and his wife went through a distressing event back home. She called him up. He was compassionate, did a terrific job. I asked him what he did. He listened. He was empathetic, sympathetic. And he asked his wife, he said, do you want me to cancel the business meetings right now and drive home? I'll do it. And she said, no. She said, I have the support of family. She said, you can just stay and then come home when your business meetings are done. When he got home, she had taken out a six month lease on an apartment and moved out of the house. And even though she did not ask him to come home, she said, you should have read my mind, that I really wanted you to come home. And he came to three sessions by himself. And I talked about the importance of expectations, making your expectations known. She had simple habits for marital happiness and she thought the idea of expectations was dumb. She said, I should not have to make my expectations known. And I've seen other spouses that said that too. If we're close, you should read my mind. And that is mind reading is a no, no. It will hurt a marriage.
- [24:50]
A
I really appreciate the insight, wisdom and energy that Dr. Randy Schrader brought to us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. His marriage habits are so spot on and EAS implement.
- [25:01]
C
I love the idea Randy mentioned of taking just two minutes to reconnect emotionally with your spouse when you first get home. How brilliant is that? It's such a simple thing to do and it has a lasting impact on your relationship. Marriage is such a wonderful and beautiful gift. When you concentrate on loving your spouse well, the ripple Effects are astonishing. Your family can thrive and your community is stronger. And that's why Focus on the Family exists. We want to help provide you with the tools you need to have the best marriage possible.
- [25:35]
A
And we have so many resources to help you do that, including a fantastic marriage assessment which will give you an idea of how your marriage is doing, where you're succeeding, where you might have an area or two of growth. Now this marriage assessment, taken by over a million people has been updated. It's got new content to help you learn your individual strengths as well. So even if you've taken it before, I hope you'll come back to check out that free new marriage assessment.
- [26:03]
C
And we also have Randy's great book, Simple Habits for Marital Practical Skills and Tools that build a strong, satisfying relationship. You'll find ways to strengthen and help your marriage no matter what season you're in. And before we give those details on how to get that, I want to let you know we're facing a bit of a critical moment here at Focus on the Family. Every day, Focus on the Family reaches literally tens of thousands of hearts with the hope of Jesus. But only 1% of the listeners currently give. That means 99% enjoy the blessing of this ministry without contributing to the costs. But you can make a 100% difference. Your gift helps keep this ministry going. And we continue to be able to do ministry because of people like you, faithful listeners who believe in what we do. So will you stand in the gap today? We need you. And we'll even make it worth your while when you make a monthly pledge to help sustain the ministry of Focus on the Family. And let me say, no amount is too small. We'll send you a copy of Randy's outstanding book as our way of saying thank you. And if you can't make that monthly commitment, we understand that. Can we ask you to just make a one time gift to help us do more?
- [27:18]
A
Yeah, make that one time gift. Or join the friends of the family with your monthly pledge. And we'll say thanks for that financial support by sending Randy's book, Simple Habits for Marital Happiness. You can donate and also get that free marriage assessment online. We've got the link in the show notes. Well, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back tomorrow for more of the conversation with Dr. Randy Schrader. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ, your marriage can be redeemed. Even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if even if you haven't felt close in years, no matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a Hope Restored Marriage Intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.