Four Key Decisions for Loving Your Spouse for Life

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Four Key Decisions for Loving Your Spouse for Life"

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Episode: Four Key Decisions for Loving Your Spouse for Life
Release Date: February 14, 2025
Host/Author: Focus on the Family
Guest: Arlene Pellicane, Host of the Happy Home Podcast and Author of Making Marriage Easier: How to Love and Like Your Spouse for Life

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Introduction

In this heartfelt episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller welcome Arlene Pellicane to discuss enduring marriage strategies. Released on Valentine's Day, the episode emphasizes celebrating and strengthening marital bonds amidst the unique challenges faced by Christian families today.

The Reality of Marriage Over Time

Arlene Pellicane opens the conversation by reflecting on the evolution of marriage:

Arlene Pellicane [00:06]: “When you first get married, you're both all in… but then the years go by. You stop having fun together. You stop being grateful, you stop serving each other.”

She highlights the common pitfalls where couples become complacent, underscoring the need for intentionality and humility to maintain a thriving marriage.

Importance of Marriage as a Foundation

John Fuller emphasizes the critical role of marriage as the cornerstone of family, community, and spiritual life:

John Fuller [01:55]: “Marriage is the foundation on which the family is built and I think most important to God. And it's important to us here.”

Using the analogy of gardening, he compares nurturing a marriage to tending a garden—requiring consistent effort and care.

Arlene's Four Key Decisions for a Lasting Marriage

Arlene Pellicane outlines four pivotal decisions couples can adopt to cultivate a loving and resilient marriage:

1. Play by the Rules

Establishing clear boundaries and mutual agreements is essential. Arlene shares a personal story to illustrate the importance of respecting each other's limits:

Arlene Pellicane [13:01]: “When we were first married… I put down a boundary, and James respected it. From that day forward, he never brings anyone unannounced.”

This decision fosters trust and mutual respect, ensuring both partners feel valued and heard.

2. Give Thanks Every Day

Expressing daily gratitude reinforces appreciation and positive regard for one another. Arlene explains how gratitude can transform marital interactions:

Arlene Pellicane [08:37]: “God does not like that very much [when couples become ungrateful]. So for us to realize, okay, I will be grateful just because I need to grow as a Christian…”

She recounts her husband James’s practice of keeping a gratitude journal, noting small acts that he appreciates about her, which enhances their emotional connection.

3. Serve Your Spouse

Selfless service nurtures a supportive and loving environment. Arlene differentiates between transactional relationships and the servant-leadership modeled by Jesus:

Arlene Pellicane [10:50]: “If you ask the question, what can I do for you today? And it's as simple as refreshing a water glass… that's life-giving.”

By focusing on what she can do for James, Arlene fosters a positive and proactive approach to their relationship.

4. Take Fun Seriously

Incorporating fun and shared enjoyment is crucial for maintaining a joyful and vibrant marriage. Arlene stresses the importance of making time for activities that both partners enjoy:

Arlene Pellicane [12:07]: “Fun is really a key component. Because when it's all said and done, when your kids leave the house, you need something that's fun.”

Anecdotes Illustrating Key Decisions

Arlene shares engaging stories that highlight the practical application of her four key decisions:

• Camping Analogy: Arlene compares marriage to a challenging camping trip, emphasizing persistence through tough times to reach rewarding experiences.

Arlene Pellicane [05:08]: “When you pick the path… you have to make the loop. And that is marriage that you commit to.”

• Pool Table Story: Arlene discusses how material possessions, like a pool table, can become burdensome and detract from marital happiness when they accumulate without intentional use.

Arlene Pellicane [15:30]: “We realize, wait a minute. We get all these things, but it's just short-term happiness.”

• Ice Cream Party Incident: Highlighting the importance of forgiveness, Arlene recounts mixing up ice cream flavors during a celebration, leading to a teachable moment for gratitude and reconciliation.

Arlene Pellicane [21:32]: “I'm eating and I'm mad… I told Ethan, you're right. I should be grateful. And I forgave James.”

Maintaining a Marriage-Centered Home

Addressing the balance between parenting and maintaining marital priorities, Arlene advises couples to ensure their relationship remains central amidst parenting responsibilities:

Arlene Pellicane [18:23]: “Think of it like when you have a child… they are a welcome member of your home, but they are not the sun that you are orbiting constantly around.”

She encourages couples to treat their spouse with the same priority as their children, fostering a balanced and harmonious household.

The Power of Forgiveness and Showing Up

Arlene emphasizes the necessity of forgiveness in maintaining a healthy marriage, referencing Ruth Bell Graham’s insight:

Arlene Pellicane [19:55]: “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

Additionally, she underscores the importance of consistently showing up for one another, even when it's challenging:

Arlene Pellicane [23:10]: “Even when you don't feel like it, you show up. You don't feel like putting a smile on your face. You do it.”

Conclusion

Arlene Pellicane’s insights provide actionable strategies for couples seeking to deepen their marital bonds. By playing by the rules, expressing daily gratitude, serving one another, and prioritizing fun, couples can navigate the complexities of marriage with grace and joy.

The episode concludes with a heartfelt invitation to listeners to engage with Focus on the Family resources and consider Arlene’s book, Making Marriage Easier, as a valuable tool for enhancing their relationships.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Arlene Pellicane [00:06]: “When you first get married, you're both all in… but then the years go by. You stop having fun together.”

• John Fuller [01:55]: “Marriage is the foundation on which the family is built and I think most important to God.”

• Arlene Pellicane [08:37]: “God does not like that very much [when couples become ungrateful].”

• Arlene Pellicane [10:50]: “What can I do for you today? That’s life-giving.”

• Arlene Pellicane [12:07]: “Fun is really a key component… you need something that's fun.”

• Arlene Pellicane [19:55]: “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

• Arlene Pellicane [23:10]: “Even when you don't feel like it, you show up.”

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Resources Mentioned:

• Book: Making Marriage Easier: How to Love and Like Your Spouse for Life by Arlene Pellicane
• Focus on the Family: For more resources and to support the ministry, visit their website or call 1-800-A-FAMILY.

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Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a compassionate guide for Christian couples striving to nurture their marriages. Arlene Pellicane’s practical advice, enriched with personal anecdotes and biblical principles, offers listeners valuable tools to build enduring and joyful relationships.

Transcript

[Arlene Pellicane]

When you first get married, you're both all in. Like we are all in. But then the years go by. You stop having fun together. You stop being grateful, you stop serving each other. You're like, we don't need rules. We got this. And all of a sudden you realize one of us is not showing up in the same way that the other one is showing up. So there's a humility that needs to come to say, you know what, I'm going to show up to my marriage. And even if I feel like, well, I'm going to wait for him or her to show up first, no, your attitude is I'm going to be the one.

[Jim Daly]

That's Arlene Pellicane and she joins us today on FOCUS on THE FAMILY with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller.

[John Fuller]

John, it's Valentine's Day, which means it's a great day to celebrate marriage, right?

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, absolutely.

[John Fuller]

Have you thought of something to do tonight?

[Jim Daly]

I have been planning, Jim. I'm not going to reveal my plans.

[John Fuller]

Here nationally, but I'm kind of projecting because I didn't think of something yet. So I'm better at.

[Jim Daly]

We're so good at spontaneous things.

[John Fuller]

Well, spontaneous is better. Yeah. Hopefully I can come. Well, this is the very heart of what we do here at FOCUS on the Family. Marriage is the foundation on which the family is built and I think most important to God. And it's important to us here. And we hear stories all the time about how tough marriage is. I've had some 20 something say to me, Jim, can we say, you know, marriage is positive rather than it's hard work? But you know what, Sometimes it is hard work. And it's kind of like gardening. You have to till the soil. You need water. And sometimes I do that well, and sometimes I don't do that as well as I should be. And today we're going to talk with our great guest Arlene Pellicane to give us some insights and tools to do this better.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, it's a light program. It's not going to be a heavy one. Arlene brings joy and energy and she is a speaker. She's the host of the Happy Home Podcast. She's married to James. They have three children and she's written a number of books, one of which we'll talk about today, Making marriage, How to love and like your spouse for life.

[John Fuller]

Arlene, welcome back to FOCUS on THE family.

[Arlene Pellicane]

So great to be with you on this Valentine's Day.

[John Fuller]

Do you ever have a down day? Every time I've seen You.

[Arlene Pellicane]

I love a down day.

[John Fuller]

Bubbles of smiles. Are you sure?

[Arlene Pellicane]

They're kind of few and far between, but I do have a down day.

[John Fuller]

So James has seen this. Your husband.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Well, I am a very. I am that eternal optimist. So he will say, like, sometimes. Can you just kind of tone that down? I know, I know you're happy about that. I get it. So it's great. He might find that refreshing, actually. If I kind of came out and was like, hi.

[John Fuller]

He would say, what's wrong?

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah, what's wrong?

[John Fuller]

That would be normal. Well, listen, you've been a part of something, a movement. Really. That's a great movement. The National Marriage Week usa, which is happening this week right now. Tell us a little bit about what that is.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah. So every February 7th through 14th, we want to unite people who love marriage to really shift the culture in America to value marriage, to say, hey, wait a minute. Value is a good thing. It's good for you as a person. It's good for the family, like for to raise kids. It's good for community. So it really is just kind of that cry of, you know what? Let's unite together and shift the culture to say, marriage is good.

[John Fuller]

That's good. Well, you heard my little opening line there about the 20, 30 somethings, really, that always say, man, everybody's talking about how tough marriage is so hard. How would you answer that to those? You know, we have younger employees here now, lots of them, actually, which is great. Many, many. And, you know, when I'm meeting with them, they'll often ask that, why do we talk about marriage being so tough? We're getting scared. So what should we say as marriage leaders?

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yes, There's a line in that movie A League of Their Own. It's an old baseball movie where Tom Hanks says about baseball, it's the hard that makes it good. And there is, so I would acknowledge to that person saying, is marriage hard? Yes, it is hard, but that's what makes it good. And I would point to my own life of being married for 25 years and having kids to say that is the greatest in terms of people. Like, not my relationship with God, but in terms of people, that is the most exciting, wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. And it doesn't have to be hard. So to ask that question instead of saying, like, why is this so hard to ask instead, like, well, how can I make this easier? Because you really can.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, that's good. I thought you were gonna go to Princess Bride. As you wish me that's the line of lines. If you've not seen that movie, you should watch it on Valentine's Day. Absolutely. It's funny, but it's also loving.

[Arlene Pellicane]

And that would be the one to show the 20 or 30 somethings. Don't you want what Wesley and Buttercup have?

[John Fuller]

Absolutely.

[Arlene Pellicane]

So a lot of it, too, is like modeling, like, hey, this is really good. This is fun.

[John Fuller]

Totally. Let's get to the real brass tacks. Your husband enjoys camping. Yay, James. Way to go, James. But it's not really your jam.

[Arlene Pellicane]

No, our family, like, saw the lake and went to the lodge. You know, like, that was awesome.

[John Fuller]

I would. I think Jean's pretty. She loves camping. But I remember when we did a lot of tent camping. I know you and Dina have done a lot of especially here in Colorado. So we finally went from like a tent to a fifth wheel because Gene was like, I'd really like a bed.

[Arlene Pellicane]

So.

[John Fuller]

Okay, I'm going to get you a big bed. So anyway, but tell us about James and you when it comes to camping.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah. So we've definitely done all the different levels. And so the highest level we have done is, you know that two to three day backpacking trip in Yosemite in the Inyo National Forest, where you are really, like, carrying 28 pounds on your back. You are going for 18 miles in two days, whatever. Right? So. So we did this. And every time I do this, I say to myself, this is the last time I will ever do this because.

[John Fuller]

It'S so beautiful out here.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Ridiculous, right? So as I'm doing this just this last year, my kids love it, James loves it. So it's like, I must love it. So it's like, okay, I'm gonna try this. I'm gonna try this. And when the path was beautiful, like, you're saying, it's like, oh, I will totally do this again. This is fantastic. I mean, where else can you get this? We're all in a tent together. We all have stinky feet. We're playing games. Like, it's very magical. Like, this is very bonding. We're in the middle of nowhere together as a family. Like, this is really special. But then there's other times where it's like, oh, look, there's still some snow on that pass. And we have to cr. And, oh, look, we've been going uphill for two hours both ways. Yeah. And it's those times where it's like, I don't want to do this anymore. Like, I will never do this again. And as I'm Walking. You know, I'm in this process of also writing this book, making marriage easier. And in my brain, I'm thinking, oh, my word. This is like marriage. Like, when it's good, you're like, this is fantastic. I love this. But when it's bad, you're going through hard times, you have difficulties, you're not communicating, things are bad. It's like, I am out of here. And, you know, you have the map, and you look at the map and you say, okay, I see it. This little dotted line. It's going to be 28 miles round trip, whatever it is. Like, I see that. But until you actually do it, you really don't know, like, what is going to be there. So for me, it really showed me that, okay, when you pick the path, like, there was no way I could stop. Like, I couldn't say halfway. I remember once I told James, if I could pay $5,000 to be airlifted from this spot, I would do it. I told him that. But you can't. Like, you have to make the loop. You have to make it all the way around. And that is marriage that you commit to. Like, we are going to make this loop and to realize, yes, there's gonna be patches that are hard, but there's gonna be a ton of patches that are really, really beautiful and totally worth the journey. Right.

[John Fuller]

I mean, some of those treks, it's like, left foot, right foot, left foot.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yes.

[John Fuller]

But it feels, you know, this monotony.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Just get through the day, get through the day. Like, get through the day, say something kind and go to sleep, and that's all you're going to do.

[John Fuller]

The saying something kind is a good one. And in fact, you talk about four decisions couples can adopt to make marriage easier. Now, here's a premise. Maybe marriage is given to us by the Lord. It is an institution that he started. The family we didn't come up with says right there in Scripture, family, government, and church are kind of the three institutions that God put forward. It's interesting for government because it's to restrain evil, that its core mission. But in that respect, with family, you mentioned these four decisions. What are they?

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah, we want to make it real easy and simple. So the first decision is to play by the rules, decide what you will and won't do in your marriage. The second is to give thanks every day, just to simply be like, thank you, God, for my spouse, and have that perspective now.

[John Fuller]

Can you, Arlene? Sometimes that can be difficult. That one right there. I mean, because you just had a little Rough interaction together and you say, no, thank you, Lord. Why is that important to have that perspective? And especially when it's a valley, not a mountaintop.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah, it is, I think, the gratitude to the Lord. So it is that attitude of, like, God, this is the place I'm in. And I am so grateful that you are God. I am so grateful that you are there because think of the children of Israel, right? They are going to get in so much trouble. Not because they made another calf or not because they had all this adulterous things happen. They're going to get in trouble because they were like, God, you're doing all this stuff for us, but it's not enough. We don't like it. We're sick of the manna. We're sick of the quail. We are ungrateful. And that's what keeps them out of the promised land. And I think in a marriage we can get so used to nagging and grousing and just being so upset that we lose sight of it. And God does not like that very much. So for us to realize, okay, I will be grateful just because I need to grow as a Christian, I need to grow in my relationship with God. So maybe I am just grateful that, you know, if you have a sick spouse, you know how grateful you would be if your spouse was just, well, so if we are just upset because our spouse is annoying, I mean, we can say, well, thank you, God, that my spouse is. Well, you know, there's so inspect look for things to say thank you for. You know, my husband James, he kept a journal one week of all the little things he noticed about me that he was thankful for. And then he handed it to me. It was the week before Thanksgiving. Oh, that's good. And it would say things like, I'm thankful that you take the kids to one kid now. I'm thankful that you take Lucy to school and you talk with her all the time. I'm thankful that you, like, made a really nice dinner tonight, like these things that he was making note of. So I think, even though we think I can't find one thing about this man, about this woman, you can find one thing. Oh, yeah, you can. And you probably can find five.

[John Fuller]

All right, so the, you know, play by the rules, set the main rules, play by the rules, and then make sure you're thankful to God for your spouse. What's the.

[Arlene Pellicane]

The third one? The third decision is to serve your spouse. Serve your spouse.

[John Fuller]

What's the fourth one? Let's move to the next one.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah, exactly the fourth one is take fun seriously.

[John Fuller]

So we'll get there.

[Arlene Pellicane]

But the serve your spouse, right? It's like, I don't want to serve my spouse because they. He or she, they have not been serving me. We are very transactional. We get that way that, like, well, you didn't do that for me, so I'm not going to do that for you. But then if you look at the gospels, right, it's like, jesus came to serve. The son of man came to serve. You're like, oh, man. So it is this idea that, well, wait, if I serve my spouse well, they're gonna walk all over me. You know, like, how's that gonna work, right? But guess what happens. You don't have power over what your spouse does, but you do have power over what you do. And if you ask the question, well, what have you done for me today? You're gonna be pretty grumpy and find not very much. But if you twist it thinking of serving your spouse and say, well, what can I do for you today? And it's as simple as like, oh, I'm gonna bring James. You know, we both work from home. I'm gonna refresh his water. I'm go that his water glass is empty, and I'm gonna bring it. Cause that's me. Like, what can I do for you today? So just that idea of what can I do for you? That's life giving. Then you feel like, oh, I did a good thing, and you feel kind of good versus waiting for your spouse to do something nice for you.

[John Fuller]

No, that's good. And then the last one, again, you touched on it, but bring it back.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Take fun seriously. A lot of us think like, oh, I don't have time for fun. Like, that was for dating. We don't have any time for that now. But to realize that, wait a minute, this is actually important to have fun together. Because when it's all said and done, when your kids leave the house, you need something that's fun. And if you don't actually plan fun or value fun, the whole thing becomes a drag. And that's when you're like, well, this is hard. This is not easy anymore. So fun is really a key component.

[John Fuller]

Well, I talked to your husband, James. He said he'd like to go camping with you for fun.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Exactly.

[John Fuller]

You're gonna be happy.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Is that gonna be fun? I guess so, man.

[Jim Daly]

That'll be our opportunity to serve.

[Arlene Pellicane]

I'll be like, I must serve. I must give thanks. I must serve. I must give thanks.

[John Fuller]

Let's dig into some of these. Let's go back to the main rules for illustration purposes. Give us an example of you and James and maybe a rule that you've stuck to from the beginning.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah. When we were first married, I was not a good cook. Like, I didn't know how to cook. And I thought the George Foreman Grill would save my life because all I had to do was stick the chicken in, close the lid, open the lid, and take the chicken out. So I was pretty excited about this. Perfect. So I bought the George Foreman Grill. I had two chicken breasts, and this was gonna be a big night. And James, who was very spontaneous, he's like, I just met the neighbor Walter, next door. Can I invite him to dinner? And I was like, no, because our home is not nice. I only have two chickens, and I'm a nervous cook. No. And guess what happened.

[John Fuller]

I could guess.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. It's Walter. He's here for dinner. And I'm just like, what? So that was our first big fight.

[John Fuller]

But you gotta tell us. The solution was that.

[Arlene Pellicane]

And so he. I was so mad. So mad. Like, how could he not listen?

[John Fuller]

You gave Walter James his chicken breast.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah, exactly. I gave him my chicken. That's what happened.

[John Fuller]

I don't know.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah, exactly.

[John Fuller]

You're such a good Christian.

[Arlene Pellicane]

You should have given him James's chickens.

[John Fuller]

Exactly.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Should have given him only vegetables. And I was very nice to Walter. Right. Very nice to Walter. And then Walter left. And then I was like, brrr. And then James, like, pounced on me. Like, literally, like, kind of like. Like, bear hugged me. And it was like, I'm sorry. And I was like, are you really sorry? Or you're just like, what are you sorry for? And he's like, I'm just sorry that you're mad, you know? But then I was like, no, no, no. You need to be sorry that you invited someone even though I had said no. And you need to respect my no. And he was like, okay. And so this is a rule, right? When I put down a boundary, respect it. And I will say that from that day forward, honest. In the 25 years of marriage, he never brings anyone unann. They always come announced and expected. But another rule that comes out of that, that's really good is the power hour, is that you eat together every day, and it's just a rhythm. Because it's kind of crazy if you talk to an average couple and you say, hey, does your. Do you guys eat together? Or, like, a family, do you guys eat together? They'll be kind of like, well, we run to sports. We go to this. We go to this. We just kind of all eat, or we eat in our separate rooms. We just kind of get the food and go to different places and eat. And honestly, a rule that you can set down is we eat together. Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

Well, Arlene, another thing that you talked about in the book is a pool table that had to do with some thankfulness that became an issue for you. Tell us that story.

[Arlene Pellicane]

It is the accumulation of stuff, right? Wait, what?

[John Fuller]

How do you use your pool table accumulation?

[Jim Daly]

That's a flat surface. You put everything on top.

[John Fuller]

That's not how you do it.

[Arlene Pellicane]

It's so funny. So we wanted a pool table because our kids were growing up, right? So then you think of like, what are things around the house that you can have that kind of give an environment where you'll hang out and do stuff? So we're like, perfect, we'll get a pool table. Well, a pool table is a very large item and if you know us, we're frugal. So of course this was a used pool table, but we really did find a beautiful one. And we really did put it in our front room. We displaced. We gave away two old sofas, put the pool table in. We did use it for a while, and that's great. But you know what happened to it? It gets covered and then you put stuff on it and all of a sudden it's a great table. Pool table. It's a great table. That's exactly right. And it gets, you know, when people come over, people take the stu off of it. They play, and that's great. But what you find as a couple is you think, well, this will make me happy. I will get the pool table and I'll be happy. We'll remodel the kitchen and I'll be happy. We'll go on that vacation and we'll be happy. But we realize, wait a minute. We get all these things, but it's just a short term happiness. So to realize that the accumulation of stuff is not what's going to fix your marriage. And really, to be more thankful for what you have, inspect what you have and not what you don't have. You know, when, when we were first married in that same apartment that Walter came to, we had trash bags on the windows because we didn't have any curtains. So one day we were like, well, what if we just put some hefty bags here and like block the light? And we're like, wow, this is really working great. So we use them literally. Like curtains, black hefty bags with little twists, you know, little ties, ties taped together. And then we're like, wow, this really actually works. So for months we had that. And to be honest, we were happy as could be. We didn't care that that was like that. And I think we need to sometimes take ourselves out of the materialistic culture that we live in and realize that having less is actually really freeing. Because instead of managing all your stuff, having a pool table that has all this stuff, you know, on it, you have more time. Now, I will say in defense of the pool table, at the end of it all, I'm glad we have it because we do play with it like it does. So if you make an investment, make it something, you know, that people can use.

[John Fuller]

Let me ask you, Arlene, in the book, you emphasize this. This is something we cover a lot at Focus on the Family. And I think couples lose perspective regarding this. But to make your home a marriage centered home, not a child centered home, that's a hard thing to do because so much of your attention goes towards your kids, especially in the early years and, you know, getting them ready for school and doing all the things that we do. If you're homeschooling, all of that activ. How do you not fall into the trap of making your home a child centric home?

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yeah. And it's just. Think of it like when you have a child, they enter your home, they're a welcome member of your home, but they are not the sun that you are orbiting constantly around. Okay. How can you know? Because obviously when the child comes home, like when you have a baby come home, we get it. We had Ethan. He was like, simba, you know, it's like this amazing thing and we all, you know, we get it. When you have a baby, yes, you have to orbit around this baby to keep the baby alive. But when the baby turns 2, 4, 10, 16, you don't have to orbit around the baby. And I will say, as a woman, usually it doesn't have to be, but usually it's the mom who is the one that. We are just really into the kids. We are very much like, if my kid needs a costume, I'll go buy it or make it. If my kid, you know, needs something for school, I will do it. But if my husband is like, hey, honey, could you look at this? You know, I'm an author. So he'll be like, hey, honey, could you look at this letter for me and see how you think it sounds? I'll be like, I don't have time for that. Use Grammarly. You don't like it. And I'm caught. I realize I don't treat my husband the same way I treat my children. Like, if my kids ask me for something, I'm like, oh, I'm all in. You need me to drop you off? You need me, just hang out at the mall for eight hours so I can pick you up again. Okay, I'll do that. But if my husband asks me for something, hey, why can't you do that yourself, buddy? So that's a kind of good measure. Like, am I really treating my spouse as the priority relationship?

[John Fuller]

It's still in that category of giving thanks every day for your spouse. Let's camp our heads there for a minute. But you mentioned forgiveness is necessary in marriage. And you quote, I think it was Ruth Bell Graham, which she said, a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. I love that. That's a great thought. You encourage couples to forgive the small things. And one of those small things that involved your first book contract and an ice cream party. What happened there?

[Arlene Pellicane]

I had my first book. I mean, this is kind of exciting, right? But again, we have little kids. We are frugal. So I say to James, I'm gonna be a published author. Let's get ice cream. This wasn't even like, let's go out for ice cream. This was like, let's buy two gallons of ice cream and have ice CRE after dinner. And so my only request was that one of them would have chocolate in it. Pretty easy request. Not that difficult. He comes home with our 5 year old and our 3 year old and I open the bag and the first ice cream is caramel pecan crunch. I'm like, well, that's an interesting choice. Never. We actually had never had that before. I was like, okay. The second choice was cookies and cream. And I'm like, neither of these are chocolate. And I am the one who is the author that we're celebrating in this super frugal way. And I am pregnant with our third child and I have just asked for chocolate and you bring me cookies and cream. And, you know, he could argue, well, it has a chocolate cookie in it. That is not chocolate, Right? That is not like chocolate ganache or fudge ripple or chocolate and peanut butter.

[John Fuller]

There is no chocolate in it. There's a condo of ice cream.

[Arlene Pellicane]

There is no chocolate. So I'm just mad, like, you cannot even get this little thing right. And isn't this kind of about me right? So I'm eating And I'm mad. And Ethan, who's 5, is like, Mommy, you don't seem very grateful. You tell us we should be thankful for everything we're served. You know, all of us have had that moment, right, where our words come.

[John Fuller]

Back to us without a doubt.

[Arlene Pellicane]

And I'm like, you know, it cracked my chocolate heart. And I said, ethan, you're right. I should be grateful. I am grateful. And I forgave James. And I talked about it later, and I forgave him. And there is something beautiful and lovely that happens when we can say, you know what? I make mistakes, you make mistakes. Let's just move on. And I think, like, if we could have such an attitude, like, to defend our spouse, like, maybe they were really under a lot of pressure, or I'm gonna defend them and just think the best of them. And obviously, when there is an egregious offense on purpose, you know, that's not something. You just go like, oh, well, I guess he didn't know you have to say it. So make the small things small, but keep the big things big. Like, if there's something big you need to forgive about, that's a big discussion. Maybe that's counseling. Maybe that's something else. So please hear me as I say that. But the forgiveness is the goal. That's where you're headed, Arlene.

[John Fuller]

Lastly, you encourage couples to show up. And I guess the obvious question is, what do you mean by showing up?

[Arlene Pellicane]

Yes. It's like, even when you don't feel like it, you show up. You don't feel like putting a smile on your face. You do it. You say good morning and you give the hug. It's those little habits that you. Rhythms of your day that you respect your spouse. You know, we had the very funny situation of when we got married. You know, I was always like, oh, I wanna get married so bad. So finally, when getting Marri was so exciting, and my hairdresser the morning of the wedding said, something's gonna go wrong. It always does, honey. So just be ready. Something's gonna go wrong, sweetie. It's like, okay, I'm ready. Well, I wasn't ready for what was gonna go wrong because basically during the ceremony, you know, the groomsmen were all there. My aunt was playing the piano. There was a break in the music. And our professor, a theology professor, think Alfred and Batman, very distinguished. It was his second wedding, and he thought the break in the music was to start the ceremony.

[John Fuller]

And he's performing the ceremony.

[Arlene Pellicane]

He's perform. So he says in the Break of the music. Dearly beloved, we are now gathered together. And I am in the hall. I am not even there. I am in the hall. I'm like, oh, my word. My wedding is starting without me. And I'm on my dad's arm and I'm like, this is crazy. And he does not look up because he's looking at his notes. So he gets all the way to the part of who gives this bride to this man. And he looks up and it's only my husband, James. And he says, where's Peter? Cuz that's my dad. And he would answer the question, right? And then you realize what has happened. And he starts saying, oh, my, oh my, oh my. Music starts. And then the girls come down the aisle, I come down the aisle and he says, now we're really ready to get started. And the poor friends and family, they don't know whether they should be, like, laughing hysterically or if they should be, like, really mortified. So it's kind of like they just have this very strange thing. But after that, it was flawless. But when that ceremony started, I was not there. And obviously when you're married, when you first get married, you're both all in. Like, we are all in. But then the years go by. You stop having fun together, you stop being grateful, you stop serving each other. You're like, we don't need rules. We got this. And all of a sudden you realize one of us is not showing up in the same way that the other one is showing up. So there's a humility that needs to come to say, you know what? I don't want the music to start without me. I'm gonna show up to my marriage. And even if I feel like, well, I'm gonna wait for him or her to show up first, no, your attitude is, I'm gonna be the one and I will show up first.

[John Fuller]

Oh, yeah. Your next book could be that. The Woman that Didn't make it to Her Own Wedding by Arlene Pellegrin.

[Arlene Pellicane]

I was prepared, but I wasn't there.

[John Fuller]

Arlene, this is so good. And what a great reminder for all of us as couples to do these four things. And I hope that this is something that you would want to come back to and read. There's much more detail in the book. We covered some of the fun highlights and you do such a great job sharing the stories and poor James.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Sweet James.

[John Fuller]

Sweet James. But it's so wonderful. So thank you for being with us and thanks for writing this wonderful book. And I hope people will Get a hold of it. Thank you.

[Arlene Pellicane]

Thank you so much.

[John Fuller]

And if you'd like to get a copy of this book, just contact us here at Focus on the Family. And if you can, make a gift of any amount and we'll send it to you. If you can make that a monthly gift, like John and I support the ministry. I know Deanna, and you do that as Gene and I do. We'll also send you a copy of the book to say thanks for being part of the ministry and helping other families find a deeper faith in their marriages.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Contact us today. Donate generously as you can. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family and we've got all the details for you in the show notes. When you're at the website, be sure to look for the link to our Loving well podcast. It's a seasonal podcast that comes out every year about this time. It's got heartwarming stories and some real practical advice for you to apply to your marriage and to celebrate your relationship in new ways. Again, that's the lovingwell podcast and the link is in the notes. And again, of course, happy Valentine's Day to We hope you enjoy a terrific weekend together. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Unknown]

If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.