Healing as a Parent from Childhood Trauma (Part 2 of 2)

Summary

Healing as a Parent from Childhood Trauma (Part 2 of 2)

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Release Date: April 25, 2025
Host/Author: Focus on the Family
Guest: Melanie Shankel
Book Mentioned: Here Be Dragons: Treading the Deep Waters of Motherhood, Mean Girls, and Generational Trauma by Melanie Shankel

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Introduction to Melanie Shankel's Journey

The second part of Melanie Shankel’s heartfelt discussion delves deeper into her personal journey of healing from childhood trauma and navigating complex family dynamics. Building upon the foundational conversation from the previous episode, Melanie shares insights from her book, Here Be Dragons, and offers practical advice for parents facing similar challenges.

Understanding the Impact of Parental Attention

Melanie opens the conversation by highlighting the profound effect parental attention and unconditional love have on children’s confidence and worldview.

“Are my parents paying attention to me? Are they looking at their phone? Are they engaged? Are they listening to what I have to say? Are they paying attention to who I am? Because I think when they experience that unconditional love at home, then they take that confidence out into the world.” — Melanie Shankel [00:07]

This reflection underscores the foundational theme that children thrive when they feel genuinely seen and heard by their parents.

Childhood Trauma and Its Long-Term Effects

Jim Daly and John Fuller engage Melanie in a discussion about the lingering effects of childhood trauma and how it shapes adult behaviors and relationships. Melanie emphasizes the importance of self-awareness in recognizing and addressing learned behaviors from one's upbringing.

“I just couldn't maintain this relationship for my own health.” — Melanie Shankel [07:54]

The Role of Humor in Coping with Trauma

Melanie discusses how humor serves as a vital coping mechanism for those who have experienced trauma. She attributes this resilience to a divine gift, viewing humor as a tool provided by God to lighten life's burdens.

“When you can laugh at some things, especially yourself, that's it. That's really healthy.” — Jim Daly [03:09]

Deciding to Cut Ties: A Difficult Choice

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Melanie’s difficult decision to cut off her toxic relationship with her mother. She draws a powerful analogy between amputating her dog's leg to save its health and severing a harmful familial relationship to protect her own well-being and that of her daughter.

“Sometimes the only way to bring healing is to cut off the source of the disease.” — Melanie Shankel [06:16]

This analogy resonates deeply, illustrating the painful yet necessary steps required to foster a healthier environment for one's family.

Balancing Forgiveness and Self-Preservation

Melanie addresses the Christian imperative to forgive endlessly while also recognizing when to protect oneself from ongoing toxicity. She shares her personal struggle with this balance and how she ultimately found peace in setting boundaries without harboring bitterness.

“When you do this, you have to be able to do it without bitterness and without anger and with forgiveness in your heart.” — Melanie Shankel [07:54]

Handling Toxic Relationships in Parenting

The discussion shifts to Melanie's experiences with her daughter Caroline's encounters with mean girls in high school. She explores the challenges of guiding a child through bullying and the importance of empowering them to stand up for themselves.

“This is war. You do whatever you have to do.” — Perry Shankel [20:08]

Melanie highlights how her husband's decisive intervention helped Caroline regain her confidence and advocate for herself effectively.

Fostering a Safe and Unconditional Home Environment

Key to Melanie’s approach is creating a home environment where children feel unconditionally loved and safe to express themselves. She stresses the importance of listening genuinely to children, reinforcing their identity in Christ, and encouraging an abundance mentality.

“Are my parents paying attention to me? Are they looking at their phone? Are they engaged? Are they listening to what I have to say? Are they paying attention to who I am?” — Melanie Shankel [09:55]

By embedding scriptural affirmations like “You are God's Workmanship” and “You are wonderfully and fearfully created,” Melanie underscores the spiritual dimension of parenting.

Navigating Mean Girls and Peer Pressure

Melanie recounts Caroline’s struggles with a particularly hostile peer group, illustrating the emotional toll of teenage bullying. She describes the shift from seeing these friends as part of the family to recognizing their destructive behavior.

“And Caroline was like, I keep trying to talk to her. There's no reasoning with her and the situation.” — Melanie Shankel [18:18]

This segment offers parents insights into recognizing toxic friendships and the importance of decisive action to protect their children's mental and emotional health.

Empowering Children with Biblical Identity

Concluding the episode, Melanie emphasizes the significance of instilling a strong sense of identity in children based on biblical truths. She advocates for parents to be active participants in nurturing their children's spiritual and personal growth.

“We always tried to raise her to have an abundance mentality instead of a scarcity mentality.” — Melanie Shankel [22:23]

By fostering an environment where children feel valued and purposeful, parents can equip them to navigate the complexities of adolescence and adulthood with resilience and faith.

Final Thoughts and Resources

Jim Daly and John Fuller commend Melanie for her courage and transparency in sharing her story. They encourage listeners to engage with her book, Here Be Dragons, for a more comprehensive understanding of overcoming generational trauma and fostering healthy family relationships.

“If this is resonating with you, which should only be about 90% of the listeners and watchers, get a copy of Melanie's book Here Be Dragons…” — Jim Daly [25:40]

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Key Takeaways:

1. Unconditional Love: The foundation of a child’s confidence and ability to thrive is rooted in feeling genuinely loved and heard by their parents.

2. Healing from Trauma: Recognizing and addressing childhood trauma is essential for breaking negative behavioral cycles and fostering healthier relationships.

3. Setting Boundaries: It is sometimes necessary to sever toxic relationships to protect one’s mental and emotional well-being, aligned with forgiveness and without bitterness.

4. Empowering Children: Parents should empower their children to stand up for themselves, ensuring they understand their inherent worth and identity in Christ.

5. Scriptural Affirmations: Embedding biblical truths into daily parenting reinforces a child’s sense of purpose and divine worth.

6. Creating Safe Spaces: A home should be a sanctuary where children feel safe to express themselves and navigate their personal challenges.

7. Navigating Peer Pressure: Parents should be vigilant in recognizing toxic friendships and guide their children in managing such relationships effectively.

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For more insights and support, listeners are encouraged to read Melanie Shankel’s book Here Be Dragons: Treading the Deep Waters of Motherhood, Mean Girls, and Generational Trauma and reach out to Focus on the Family’s resources.

Transcript

[Melanie Shankel]

Are my parents paying attention to me? Are they looking at their phone? Are they engaged? Are they listening to what I have to say? Are they paying attention to who I am? Because I think when they experience that unconditional love at home, then they take that confidence out into the world.

[John Fuller]

Well, we have Melanie Shankel joining us again today to hear more about how God brought healing and hope for her and how you can set a new path for your family. Welcome to FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller.

[Jim Daly]

You know, John, last time we talked with Melanie about how our different upbringings affect the way we live as adults. I've experienced it, you know, being in tune with those snaps, those things that you do and then going, where did that come from? If that's something you're saying to yourself, you need to stop and listen to this program because those are the behaviors that we learn as children from our parents. I'm hoping as a parent, my boys got a lot of positive things, but I don't want to believe that it was all positive. I'm sure I gave them some things that they can work on to be better dads than I was. And that's the attitude we want to talk about today with Melanie, about moms and daughters mostly. But dads, you're part of this, too. And we covered last time a lot of territory. If you haven't heard that yet, I want to encourage you to go back, go to the website, get the download, you can download the app, get our app. And all the episodes are right there. But it would really be helpful to listen in context, yesterday's program and today's program. And I'm looking forward to some of the conclusion that Melanie's going to bring to her life story today.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. And she's captured a lot of this in the book here. Be treading the deep waters of Motherhood, Mean girls and Generational trauma. And of course, we have copies of that book here for you. Just check the show notes and you'll find the links right there.

[Jim Daly]

Melanie, welcome back to FOCUS ON THE family.

[Melanie Shankel]

Thank you. Happy to be back.

[Jim Daly]

I really enjoyed our conversation yesterday. And like so many of the viewers and the listeners, I was like, you know, metal to magnet with your comments yesterday because so much of what you're saying I experienced as a child as well. And you know, part of it is just that trauma of what did I go through? And as you said last time, it's kind of as a child, you just think this is normal until you find out it's not. And that's really what you covered. Going to college and seeing normal and your husband Perry coming to visit your mom and him observing, okay, this is not normal. And you know that in many ways there's a hole in your heart because of that. The sadness of what you missed. And that's what we want to do, is to help people become healthier. I mean, I know your heart for your mom, even though she's passed away now, but that would be your heart, that she could have come around, that she could have dealt with these things and become a better believer and a better person because of that. And that's our goal, that we can all do that, especially our own lives. You know, looking at the log in our own life.

[Melanie Shankel]

That's it.

[Jim Daly]

Let's pick up. One of the things you mentioned in the book, or certainly you intimate in the book, is people that go through trauma tend to have a pretty good sense of humor. And I think the reason is, I've thought about this because I think it helps. It's coming from the Lord. I believe humor comes from God, and I just think he knows it's a coping skill that makes life a little lighter.

[Melanie Shankel]

It does.

[Jim Daly]

When you can laugh at some things, especially yourself, that's it. That's really healthy. But you had a dog, Piper, I think.

[Melanie Shankel]

Piper, yes.

[Jim Daly]

Speak to the humor of this situation, how it applied to the drama you were experiencing with your daughter, with your mom, and how you were parenting.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yeah. So we have two dogs. They are still with us, Piper and Mabel. They are Blue Lacey's, which is actually the state dog of Texas. Most people don't know that. Yes, they are.

[Jim Daly]

What's the state dog of Colorado?

[Melanie Shankel]

I don't know. Listen, I didn't know, but my husband was real proud of that. But they are, to give you an idea, they kind of look like a German shorthair, but they have a blue coat like a Wahmerana. And they are high energy, active dogs. We have a ranch that they go and run on and they track. They're great little dogs. Piper, about five years ago, contracted. We started noticing her paw was really inflamed. And we started to notice that it was getting bigger. So we took her to the vet. They ran all kinds of tests and they said somehow she had contracted some sort of fungal infection through an injury to the paw. And then, you know, she swims in water that is probably not the cleanest down at the ranch. And so the problem kept getting worse. And so we took her to different specialists. We're aggies. So we took her to Texas A and M, which is the premier vet school, to get them to look at it. And ultimately everybody came to the same conclusion, which was, the only way that you're going to stop the disease is to amputate the leg. And we really didn't want to do that because it just feels so extreme. And it's a front leg. She's a big dog. She's an active dog. We really thought about, is this the right thing to do? But she was otherwise. They ran all the tests, and they said, this is a perfectly healthy dog, and there's no reason to think that she won't be fine on her three legs. So we waited for about a year, and it got worse. The medication wasn't helping, and so we finally had to make the decision to amputate that leg. And it felt so drastic and so scary to do that to her. And what I will tell you is three hours post surgery, Piper was up running around and did not even know the difference. Even the vet said, this is remarkable. But he said she'd been compensating for that diseased paw for so long that she probably didn't even realize all the ways that it was.

[Jim Daly]

She wasn't putting weight on it, it.

[Melanie Shankel]

Was keeping her down. And so all of a sudden, she was free. And so that was at this time where I was processing, you know, and I was dealing with, you know, everything with my mom. And I thought sometimes the only way to bring healing is to cut off the source of the disease. And that was like a sermon that God gave me. It was like a word in the form of a dog amputation, where I thought, man, doesn't this apply to where sometimes there are relationships, There are places that have just become so toxic and so diseased that the only choice you have to do is to cut off the source of the pain.

[Jim Daly]

Melanie, that has to be such a struggle as a believer, though, because the Lord also says, you know, forgive 70 times 7. In other words, always forgive. That was his point. So how do you reconcile that? I'm totally on your side, but what a difficult thing to do, such a difficult thing as a believer, especially to say, I'm going to amputate this relationship.

[Melanie Shankel]

That's it.

[Jim Daly]

Because I need to be free of that toxicity that's big.

[Melanie Shankel]

And it's your mom, and it's your mom. And so you also think, honor your father and mother so that it will go well with you. I mean, that is like one of the commandments that's tied to a direct blessing in The Bible. And so those were all things that as a believer, I wrestled with for a long time. Where I landed and what I would encourage anyone, if you're in that same situation was for me, there had been many years leading up to the time that I actually cut off the relationship with my mom. That happened when my daughter Caroline was six. When I made that decision, I was 38 years old. But for me, and you're trying to protect your daughter, and I'm trying to protect my daughter, and ultimately I'm trying to protect myself because she's continuing to cause so much chaos that I began to realize I can't be the healthy mom and wife I want to be if my mom is continually coming into my life and creating chaos and making me feel terrible and causing me to have days where I'm down and depressed and crying. And so I had wrestled with it for years and there had been lots of different behaviors. And I talk about a lot of that in the book, things that had gone on and different things she had done. So I'd had times where I had thought, is this the time that I say I'm done? At one point, years before, I had written probably a 10 page letter of, here are all the things that you have done. And this is why I'm walking away from this relationship. But here's what God kept bringing me back to. When you do this, you have to be able to do it without bitterness and without anger and with forgiveness in your heart, because otherwise you're going to perpetuate the very cycle you're trying to break. And so I personally, by the time I came to that decision, I really was able to say, I forgive you for what you are. I'm not walking away with bitterness. I just can't maintain this relationship for my own health.

[Jim Daly]

Melanie, we touched on this last time, but one of the things these all seem to be. And of course your mom had bipolar, so there was mental illness, all control issues. For that mom that's listening right now, and she has that teenager or that 20 something and is exerting that kind of control, how does she get a grip on that? How does she self analyze and say, I am wounding my daughter?

[Melanie Shankel]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

I mean, wow.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yeah, it's a great question. I think one thing for me is one thing my mom always said anytime I would confront her, you know, as I got to be an adult, and I would say, mom, here's what you've done. This is what I can't accept. This is. And she would always say this phrase, I Can't think of one single thing I've done, Melanie. I can't think of one. And I thought at that time my daughter was only five, and I thought, well, I can think of 50 things that I probably did wrong last week, you know, so it's kind of being aware of our own failings. Like, where can I be better? The biggest thing for me is, are you allowing your child to be who God created them to be? Are you allowing them if their personality is different than your personality, you know? Cause I think as a woman, you have a daughter and you're like, it's gonna be a mini version of me. I learned really quickly my daughter is not a mini version of me. I mean, she's got a very distinct personality that's all her own.

[Jim Daly]

But again, that screams control.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yes, but you have to be able to surrender that control, to surrender it and to trust God with it. And that can be. That's a daily. The amount of times I've prayed for my daughter. Lord, I trust you to smooth out her rough edges and to leave the rough edges where they need to remain, where that's part of who she is. But give me the wisdom to know the difference. Because I did not want to suffocate that personality or that will or that spirit in her, in my need to have her look a certain way or to be a certain way or to achieve these certain things. Because ultimately the control is us just seeing that child is another version of ourselves or an extension of ourselves as opposed to their own separate creation.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, you know, this isn't part of the book, but I'd love your answer to this because I'm thinking of moms, that some of that is fear. It's not just control, it's fear. And I think in the Christian community, particularly as parents, we have a lot of fear for our kids. We fear that they will become drug addicts. We fear that they'll become alcoholics. We fear that they'll get addicted to pornography. They're not unhealthy fears. But the point you're making, I think clearly is the Lord is going to have a path for your child because ultimately he's in control. And we have got to somehow figure out that God, we trust you even in these dark spaces. Now with my 17 year old, my 22 year old, and I think in that moment when you're suffering as a parent because your child has become a prodigal child, how do you manage that fear and turn that into trust and be able to exude that, to that child so that when you are making a connection, they feel the Lord's love and your love for them, not agreement on the behavior. I know somebody's gonna say, yeah, but what about. I would say, relax and trust God.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yes.

[Jim Daly]

And it's so hard to do.

[Melanie Shankel]

It's so hard to do. But I think I read this. I wish I could credit whoever said it because it wasn't me. But it's geni worry is believing that God isn't gonna get it right. And when I read that, I was like, oh, that is so convicting. Because anytime I'm worrying, it's ultimately about a scenario that I think should work out a certain way. And I think that our kids are gonna walk these hard paths. And for some, that's gonna be a prodigal road where you see them walk away from the church or from what they've grown up believing. But you have to love them through that. I mean, to me, the condemnation only pushes them further away. The guilt and shame only pushes them further away. And I think there's a loving way to say, I don't necess agree with where you are or the decisions you're making, but I love you and you are always.

[Jim Daly]

I always will.

[Melanie Shankel]

I always will. There's nothing you can do that is going to outrun my love. And for them to feel that and to see that example of Christlike love from a parent is, to me, sometimes the very thing that can bring them back. The other thing I feel like God has really convicted me of with my own daughter, who's 21 now, is I kept wanting to step in to all these situations. And God so clearly said to me, I can't be her savior if you keep trying to be her savior.

[John Fuller]

So he was telling you, you're meddling.

[Melanie Shankel]

You're basically, get out of my business, you know, because I think we want to protect our kids from all of these things. And sometimes God is like, no, it's these very hard paths and these things that I'm putting in their life that are developing who I want them to be. And it's hard to watch that as a parent.

[Jim Daly]

Right. And as you're describing that unconditional love, who does that fit? That's the Lord.

[Melanie Shankel]

That's the Lord.

[Jim Daly]

That's us. That's all of us.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yes.

[Jim Daly]

And so when you demonstrate that you're actually showing the character of God, it doesn't mean you avoid truth. Man, we're so bifurcated in our thinking on this. Like, it has to be all love or all Truth.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

It can be both.

[Melanie Shankel]

It can be both.

[Jim Daly]

And you need to be able to do that artfully and skillfully as a parent, particularly.

[Melanie Shankel]

Exactly.

[John Fuller]

Well, we so appreciate Melanie Shankel and the story she's been sharing from her own personal experiences and the insights. Let me just say that her book captures much more than we can present these past couple of days. Here be dragons. Treading the deep waters of motherhood, mean girls and generational trauma. Contact us today to get a copy. The details are in the show notes.

[Jim Daly]

Melanie, you wrote in the book, and John mentioned that title, that portion about mean girls, that realization for you that your mother was the first mean girl in your life, again, a devastating revelation. And I so appreciate your ability as a young person to be able to think that through and come to that conclusion. But speak to that. I mean, wow, that your mom was your mean girl to you.

[Melanie Shankel]

That's it. And you know, and you don't want to think that, but I've talked to so many women since then that have said, I've had a similar experience where you have your mom as the one who is tearing you down. Your mom is the one that is constantly measuring you, who is competing against you, who is jealous of you, who, for whatever reason, it was such a. I had this weird realization, I think, when I was pregnant with Caroline, and my mom had made the comment to my sister where she said, I'm so tired of Melanie telling me how good her life was or is. And I remember thinking at the time, like, what mother wouldn't want? I wasn't even a mother yet, but I thought, oh, I thought that I was just telling. I was just sharing life.

[John Fuller]

You're optimistic.

[Melanie Shankel]

I'm optimistic. And life feels pretty good right now. And she had seen me walk down some hard roads as a teenager and gone through some hard things. So I thought, to be on the other side of that, why wouldn't there be happiness in there? But it was like her ability. She had a gift of being able to throw away any chance at happiness she ever had. So it made her seem to resent any that I ever found. And I thought, isn't that what a mean girl does? That's a pattern, as you view any other woman's success or accomplishments or achievements is less than maybe you can have for your own, as opposed to, you know, the old thing, a rising tide lifts all boats. Why don't we look at it as one woman's success means that's more success that I could ultimately achieve. Or, you know, that she's had Great success here. But God has this path for me, and I'm going to have success and achievements on this other road.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's a healthy perspective. Unfortunately, we're talking about unhealthy people. And that is a sign, though, for a person that maybe is in the fog about it, just that analysis to say, is she ever happy that something good in my life is occurring, Whoever that she is. Could be a mom, a girlfriend, a sister, whatever. Let me ask you the reflex of this, and what I mean by that is, Caroline, your daughter ends up with mean girls in her life. That's got to be troubling. Like, man, why is this happening now to my daughter? And it happened to me. What was that circumstance and how did you intervene?

[Melanie Shankel]

It was, you know, it was funny because we got through. I feel like everybody warns you, like, junior high is going to be terrible.

[Jim Daly]

Oh, it was, by the way.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yeah, it is. Nobody. You don't ever. Nobody ever says, man, you know, the best years of my life, junior high. I mean, those are really hard years. So I was prepared for those years to be hard. We got through those pretty free. It was not bad. When we hit her sophomore year of high school, which ironically, was a year she had just gotten her braces off. She had just made the varsity soccer team. I was like, life is good. She's got a good group of friends. This is gonna be great. And about a month into that school year, all of a sudden I started to hear and see just when I would pick her up from school. Cause she still wasn't driving yet. I would pick her up from school and I could tell something was off. And she would be like, well, this person said this today, or this thing happened. And all of a sudden I started to watch this friend group implode. And I think, what's so hard about this as a mom? And so many moms have experienced this is. These were girls that we'd had in our home. These are girls that I've driven to slumber parties and have had sleepover at my house and have been at our house for before dances. And I've curled their hair, I've put their makeup on, I've let them eat my good ice cream. And all of a sudden, not the good stuff. I mean, even the good stuff. And so all of a sudden, to see this shift was heartbreaking. And to try to figure out because as a mom, I never wanted to be the mom that's like, well, my kid wouldn't do anything wrong. So you're trying to ask the Questions of, what did you do? Did something happen? What caused this behavior? And it really. The focus was there was one girl, ironically, who was a girl that Caroline felt bad for who she had brought into the group. And this girl, for whatever reason, you know, and why do mean girls do what they do? Out of her own insecurities, her own jealousies, her own brokenness, just went on this attack against Caroline. I mean, just the cruelest. The text messages she sent, the things that she threatened the fact. And for me as a mom to be able to see where she would send these texts that would say, I don't care what lies I have to tell about you, I will destroy you. I will destroy your reputation. And so I thought, well, she's admitting that she is willing to lie and tell these mistruths. And Caroline was like, I keep trying to talk to her. There's no reasoning with her and the situation. I watched it just escalate over the next two, three, four months, and it was heartbreaking.

[Jim Daly]

How did you coach Caroline to manage this? I mean, that's probably the biggest issue for the parent, because you can make a lot of mistakes as a parent at this point, for sure.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

Because you want a clean house.

[Melanie Shankel]

That's it.

[Jim Daly]

Take names.

[Melanie Shankel]

Yes. Yes. Show up in the schoolyard.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Melanie Shankel]

Boom.

[Jim Daly]

Let's get this over with.

[Melanie Shankel]

And that's it. Is. You're like, how do you. Because we very much wanted to raise her because life is full of difficult people and difficult relationships. So, you know, initially, you're like, we want her to know how to handle this. Like, she needs to learn how to advocate for herself and how to do that. But it got to a point where you're like, this isn't getting any better. Like, she was doing all the things I was saying. Take the high road. You have to remember my people pleaser personality. So I'm like, take the high road. Be kind. Just keep being kind. It's all gonna be fine. And it wasn't getting better. I mean, it was almost like they just kept. The nicer she was, the more she tried to take the high road. It was almost like the worse it got. There finally came a day, and this is where Perry comes in again. Remember, he.

[John Fuller]

This is your husband?

[Melanie Shankel]

This is my husband, yes.

[John Fuller]

Previously as being very discerning.

[Melanie Shankel]

Very discerning. He's a truth teller. He and Caroline have very similar personalities, so they tend to get each other in a way that sometimes I don't. And there was one day, it had been going on about four months, and she had Come home from school, she was sitting there and was crying, telling us about another terrible day where somebody had cornered her in the bathroom and the things they had said. And he looked at her and he said, this is enough. And he said, this is war. And he said, you do whatever you have to do. He said, you tell them the administration that you're going to go to the administration. He said, and if it gets physical, he said, you punch him in the face and I'll meet you in the office. She thankfully did not have to do that. But what I saw happen when her dad gave her permission to fight back and advocate for herself was like a light went on in her eyes. Like she needed to know it's okay for me to stand up for myself in this situation. Because I think for so long she had just been trying to manage it and she needed to know it was okay to say enough is enough. Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

And I think that environment too, I mean, that's the place where people are trying to persuade this person to kill themselves, you know, vile stuff.

[Melanie Shankel]

And we had all of that was.

[Jim Daly]

Going on and, you know, we have to advocate. It's kind of like, you know, you get a diagnosis, you have to advocate for your own medical well being. I mean, it's a lighter situation, but you've got to get engaged. You can't just stand back. And I'm so glad that your husband did that. You know, some people might disagree with that. I would not. I would say that's the point where you gotta move forward and set the boundaries back to your dog's analogy. And David was a great example of that. You know, there's a part of defending yourself that we need to reinstitute. It's okay. You don't have to take it, take it, take it. And you need the wisdom to know when to do, which really. But when they're encouraging you to take your own life and those kinds of things, and you're a teenager, that's way over the line.

[Melanie Shankel]

Way over the line.

[Jim Daly]

What are some ways that parents can help their children understand who God created them to be? And when you look at it, it's about identity. And that's something Gene and I have tried to make sure Trent and Troy understand your identity in Christ. But, you know, it takes a lot of forethought as a parent to connect things. How would you do that?

[Melanie Shankel]

I mean, I think one of the things we tried to tell Caroline from early on, you know, is to feed scripture into her life, where it's like, you are God's Workmanship. You were created for a purpose. You know, he has a road. He wants you to walk. Like you are wonderfully and fearfully created. Like you are exactly who you were supposed to be for this time, for this generation. So can we look at life out of. We always tried to raise her to have an abundance mentality instead of a scarcity mentality. Mentality of God has abundant things for you. He has abundant life for you. To find her identity and who he created her to be. Because I think the world wants to tell, especially I feel like our young women, so many messages about what they're supposed to be or how they're supposed to look or what success really looks like. But we're like, no, this is what God says are the most important things for you to model the fruits of the spirit, for you to operate out of joy and peace and kindness and patience. And I think that's so important. I think the other thing that a parent can do, and one thing we really tried to do is home should always be their safest place. You know, just a place where, you know, you are unconditionally loved. Your whole self is welcome here. We're gonna walk you through any hard road. We're gonna listen. You know, I think that's. We're gonna listen and not just preach, but we're gonna actually listen to how you're feeling about things and what's going on with you. Because. Cause a wise, older mentor told me when Caroline was little, she said, you have to listen to her when she's young, because if you don't listen to her now, she's not gonna talk to you later. And that was so smart, because sometimes when they're four and they're telling you about their dream from the night before, you're like, oh, my gosh, how long is this gonna go on? But it's true. But it's true. They start to pay. Like, are my parents paying attention to me? Are they looking at their phone? Are they engaged? Are they listening to what I have to say? Are they paying attention to who I am? Because I think when they experience that unconditional love at home, then they take that confidence out into the world.

[Jim Daly]

Caroline today is doing fine. She's in college.

[Melanie Shankel]

She's in college. All during high school, the thing you say as a parent, you're like, you don't want to peak in high school. This isn't the time. You don't want this to be the high point.

[Jim Daly]

It's a really amazing thing. They tend to come around.

[Melanie Shankel]

They tend to come around. And I was like, when you get to college, you're going to find it's a bigger pool. You're going to find more people that share your interest. You're going to find people that have the same spiritual depth that you do. And that has really been true for her.

[Jim Daly]

Well, that brings the whole two days all the way back around to when you were in college and realized through meeting Perry and just what your circumstances were, you became more knowledgeable about life and the trauma you had come out of. So that's a beautiful place to end that. You know, hang on. Mom and dad at 14, 15, 16. There are maturing years ahead of you. Mellie, this has been so good. Thanks for your openness and your boldness. You know, day two, here, we never said it, but here be dragons. It relates to the old maps. In antiquity that would be done where shipwrecks would be found, and they would consider them a dark thing, a dragon thing. And they would mark it as here be dragons. Be careful. And what a great life map example that is for all of us, not just moms and daughters, but. But dads and sons and the whole family. So thank you for being with us today last time.

[Melanie Shankel]

Thank you so much for having me. Really enjoyed it.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. And if this is resonating with you, which should only be about 90% of the listeners and watchers, get a copy of Melanie's book Here Be Dragons, Treading the deep waters of mean girls and generational trauma. Just put your hand up. If that applies to you. Get ahold of us. And if you can make a gift of any amount or make it monthly, we'll send you a copy of her book as our way, saying thank you. And I often do this. If you're in a place where you can't afford it, you know, we're a Christian ministry. We'll get the book into your hands and trust that other believers who support Focus will add a little extra to take care of the cost of that.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. Your generosity is appreciated. You can donate via the show notes. The link is right there. Or give us a call. 800, the letter A and the word family. And coming up on Monday, author of Mama Bear Apologetics, Hilary Ferrer will help you navigate the culture with your kids.

[Melanie Shankel]

I've had so many women come and say, I didn't have the language to talk about this. I saw this all going on, but I didn't have the words to talk about it. And I feel like. Like I have been unmuzzled.

[John Fuller]

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Melanie Shankel]

Your marriage can be redeemed, even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years. No matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a hope Restored Marriage Intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.