Helping Your Child Thrive with Gender Confidence (Part 2 of 2)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Episode: Helping Your Child Thrive with Gender Confidence (Part 2 of 2)
Release Date: August 1, 2025
Hosts/Guests:

• John Fuller (Host)
• Dr. Jeff Myers (Youth Expert)
• Dr. Kathy Cook (Youth Expert)

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Introduction

In this second installment of the two-part series, "Helping Your Child Thrive with Gender Confidence," John Fuller continues the deep dive into understanding and supporting children grappling with gender dysphoria and transgenderism. Joining him are Dr. Jeff Myers and Dr. Kathy Cook, both renowned experts in youth counseling and authors of Raising Gender Confident: Helping Kids Embrace Their God-Given Design.

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Understanding Gender Confusion in Today's Culture

Dr. Jeff Myers opens the discussion by reassuring parents that their children are not alone in their experiences. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing God's unconditional love and understanding in providing children with a secure sense of identity.

"You're not crazy. You're not alone... God loves you and God knows you." (00:01)

John Fuller reiterates this sentiment, highlighting that gender confusion doesn't define a child's identity. He underscores the significance of parents being equipped to communicate effectively with their preteens and teens amidst the pressures they face at school and in society.

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The Surge of Gender Dysphoria and Transgenderism

Dr. Kathy Cook addresses the sudden increase in gender-related issues among youth since 2018-2019. She attributes this surge to a broader security crisis leading to an identity crisis among young people.

"We have a security crisis, and that's why we have an identity crisis." (05:05)

She explains that children today are more exposed to diverse and often conflicting viewpoints on gender, which can leave them feeling uncertain about their own identities. The presence of strong lobbying groups advocating for transgender ideology further complicates their quest for self-understanding.

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Cultural Pressures and Their Impact on Youth

Dr. Myers discusses the cultural shift towards viewing gender as a spectrum, a concept that has become more prominent in recent years. He critiques the portrayal of transgenderism in online platforms, labeling much of it as propaganda aimed at empowering a social movement rather than addressing individual truths.

"If you Google transgender... all the propaganda... they will say... which are lies." (07:00)

He stresses the importance of parents initiating open and honest conversations with their children to help them develop a secure identity rooted in God's design. By fostering a supportive environment, parents can inoculate their children against misleading cultural narratives.

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Strategies for Parents: Communication and Support

Dr. Myers advocates for parents to approach these conversations with humility and a willingness to learn alongside their children. He suggests using open-ended questions such as, "Please help me understand," to encourage dialogue without judgment.

"As a dad, my best moments were when I just wasn't afraid to play dumb." (04:18)

Dr. Cook expands on this by outlining the five core needs essential for a child's healthy development: Security, Identity, Belonging, Purpose, and Competence. She emphasizes that addressing these needs helps prevent mental health issues and fosters a strong foundation based on biblical principles.

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The Five Core Needs

1. Security: Understanding who they can trust, primarily trusting in God rather than transient aspects like appearance or peer approval.

2. Identity: Recognizing their unique creation in God's image, which forms the basis for healthy relationships and self-worth.

3. Belonging: Feeling loved and accepted by family and community, which reinforces their sense of worth and purpose.

4. Purpose: Knowing their existence is intentional, with a life purpose rooted in serving the Lord and others, rather than seeking to change their inherent identity.

5. Competence: Developing skills and abilities through Christ's strength, enabling them to navigate life's challenges effectively.

"The five core needs are security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence." (11:12)

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Dispelling Stereotypes and Embracing Individuality

Dr. Cook highlights the importance of breaking free from gender stereotypes that limit children’s interests and self-expression. She advocates for parents and educators to support children in exploring their passions without the constraints of traditional gender roles.

"It's okay if a girl likes to sweep out the garage and it's okay if a boy doesn't. It's okay for a girl to be a tomboy." (12:23)

This approach fosters an environment where children can develop a secure identity without feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations.

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Encouraging Courage and Resilience

Dr. Myers shares a personal anecdote about praying for his son's courage, which blossomed into the young man pursuing a mission-driven career as an EMT and firefighter. This story underscores the impact of intentional prayer and recognizing God's role in shaping a child’s destiny.

"Turn him into a man of courage... he is an EMT training to be a firefighter. It literally has become part of his mission." (08:35)

He urges parents to resist cultural pressures and instead focus on building their children's identities on the truths of Scripture.

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Conclusion

The episode underscores the critical role parents play in guiding their children through the complexities of gender identity in today's world. By fostering open communication, addressing core needs, and grounding their approach in biblical truths, parents can help their children develop a secure and confident identity. Dr. Jeff Myers and Dr. Kathy Cook provide practical strategies and insights, empowering parents to navigate these sensitive conversations with compassion and faith.

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Additional Resources

For those interested in exploring these topics further, Dr. Myers and Dr. Cook have authored Raising Gender Confident: Helping Kids Embrace Their God-Given Design. Listeners are encouraged to visit the Focus on the Family website for more information and access to the full program.

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Note: This summary excludes non-content sections such as advertisements, introductions, and outros to focus solely on the core discussions and insights presented in the episode.

Transcript

[Dr. Jeff Myers]

You're not crazy. You're not alone. You do not have to believe what people at school say to you. They do not love you. They do not know you. God loves you and God knows you. That relaxes somebody so they can think, okay, I just need a little bit better perspective.

[John Fuller]

That's Dr. Jeff Myers with an important reminder that gender confusion doesn't define your identity or the identity of your child. Dr. Myers and Dr. Kathy Cook joined us last time on Focus on the Family, and we're looking forward to more of their insights today. I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us.

[Dr. Kathy Cook]

John, the discussion yesterday was really good. I mean, we don't touch this topic very often, but so many parents write to us or call us or talk to our counseling team about these issues of their children who are experiencing gender dysphoria or transgenderism in school. It's getting reinforced in some schools, not every school, but it's an issue. And it's important for us as the broader community of Focus on the Family to know what's happening and to be able to help our parents better understand how to communicate with their preteens and teens. And so that's the spirit in which we're coming after this topic of transgenderism in the public square today. And that's the goal of our discussion. Again, if you missed it last time, you can go to the website, download it, get the smartphone app and listen to it that way. That way you have access to all of the programs. But it would be good to listen to that after you hear this today.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, we kind of eased into just some of the content from Dr. Kathy Cook and Dr. Jeff Myers, both youth experts. They spend their time talking with thousands and thousands of kids and their families. And the book is called Raising Gender Confident Helping Kids Embrace Their God Given Design. That's an excellent resource we've got. And you can learn more about our guests and the book at our website. And the link is in the show notes.

[Dr. Kathy Cook]

Kathy and Jeff, welcome back.

Thank you. Glad to be here.

It's good to have you. Jeff, let me start with you. Last time we didn't hit this directly, but the goal of the Christian parent is to say you're made in the image of God. That means your identity is rooted in Christ. And you know, he died for our sins. He rose again. He is in heaven. Our aim is is heaven to have eternal life with him and that's our identity and speak to that desire of the Christian parent. And sometimes this collides with a preteen teens worldview and what they're getting at school. And do we need to talk about that again? Mom and Dad? I mean, right, but that's just part of it. But how do we effectively communicate and live those things out in our homes so that our kids actually catch it?

[Dr. Jeff Myers]

Every time something confusing happens in the culture, my instinct is to draw back, try to escape, get around it, not have to think about it.

[Dr. Kathy Cook]

Oh, you must be human.

[Dr. Jeff Myers]

But in my better moments, I realized that every confusion presents an opportunity. And in this case, the fact that people are confused about their gender is an opportunity for moms and dads to help their children understand. You were made just the way God wanted you to be. Your gender is not something you have to become. It is something that God gave to you. And our goal is to help you as a boy, become a godly man, or you as a girl to become a godly woman. That's the journey we're going to take and walk alongside one another. But you're right, a lot of young people, they're a little bit embarrassed to talk with their parents about things that are happening in the culture because they think it's going to shock them or last time I talked about what they did at school, she freaked out. And so I don't, you know, I don't want to say anything now. Learning to ask a few key questions, and my core one is this, Please help me understand. Help me understand. And then if there's any kind of indication at all, then to follow it with, okay, tell me more about that. I don't quite get it. Help me. What's going on here? What? You know, just those sorts of questions. As a dad, my best moments were when I just wasn't afraid to play dumb.

[Dr. Kathy Cook]

Yeah, that's not a bad place to be because actually, we probably don't know. Right. We are dumb in that way. Kathy, let me ask you again. We kind of kicked this around at the beginning last time, but again, this issue has just erupted since, like 2018, 2019, with transgenderism and gender dysphoria. It just wasn't on the landscape that much. What is going on in the culture that causes young people to be so questioning their gender? I mean, just you go back 15 years ago, it just wasn't happening at the rate it is today. So that would indicate, scientifically, that would indicate there's some pressure occurring, some change agent occurring, that more young people are disturbed with their gender.

It is confusing. And we do talk about that or write about that in the book, I think. So I would say we have a security crisis, and that's why we have an identity crisis.

Okay, explain that.

In the model that we teach at Celebrate Kids, which is in the book, and I'm grateful Jeff wanted it in the book, is children are desperate to know who they are. That's because God makes us who we are on purpose, intentionally, with a purpose. He counts how many hairs we have on. He knows us intimately. So we're drawn to people who know us intimately because of the way that we've been created. And when we don't have that, like, if a mom and dad are distant, if there's been a divorce and there's an overwhelmed single mom, if the grandparents have stepped in, it can be a really, really hard time. And we honor that. The gay and lesbian lobby, the transgender ideology, people who endorse that, they're loud and they're present and they're manipulative and they're good at what they do. Wouldn't you say that, Jeff? They know how to tickle the ivories, and they know how to get a K to go, whoa, you know me better than my mom knows me. Like, when the trans person says, oh, I know what it feels like to not like your body. Let's talk about that. And that person can talk about it with what appears to be great integrity and great authority. And that continues to, you know, discourage the child to believe in mom and dad. So when moms and dads are security, when moms and dads tell the truth, when moms and dads have the guts to say, I don't know, but let's find out together. When a mom and dad will say, whoa, I've never dealt with that before. Could I have some time to pray? And then let's come back and let's go for a walk. Like, I'm so proud of everybody listening who's present to their kids and not afraid, because we can't just go, oh, Genesis 1:27 says, you're created male and female in God's image. Now go to bed. You know? Now, that's a true statement, right? But, Jeff, it doesn't sound simple to the confused kid, does it?

[Dr. Jeff Myers]

It seems strange that we need to be talking about this, but a very high percentage of young adults today identify as transgender or non binary, either because they've believed that gender is irrelevant to who they are or because they believe there's a gender spectrum where you've got GI Joe on one side and you've got Barbie on the other. And since neither one of us are really either Then we're all actually transgender. This is what a social movement does, is it tries to put itself in a place where everybody fits into its grouping. That's how it gains power. So it releases power. When a parent can say, let's talk about this, talk about you. I know these people who are talking to you. They seem caring. They do not love you. They do not know you. God loves you. God knows you. So let's have a discussion on that basis. And when you do, when you begin to sort of break that ice to talk about these issues, if you do it in a way that shows caring, that shows understanding, that shows that you have a vision for your child's life, I just picture you being this someday. I picture you being the kind of person who helps other people. I picture you being the kind of person who isn't afraid to take risks and to explore things like that. Then it begins to help that child develop the secure identity, which is an inoculation against some of the culture.

[Dr. Kathy Cook]

And I want to speak to that in gender terms. When you're a father raising sons, Jeff, speak to some of the goals in that relationship. What are you trying to. To say and to do as a dad, transmitting what it means to be a man in this culture and to do it in a healthy way, not in a, you know, in a derogatory way. This is what it means to be a man.

[Dr. Jeff Myers]

We spend a lot of time in raising gender confident kids on this because you aren't going to find the answers on the Internet. If you Google transgender. The first five pages are all propaganda. They will say, here are the facts, quote, unquote, about this, which are lies. And then they will say, here's how to legally separate from your parents. Here's how to sneak past your parents to get the drugs that you need to transition those kinds of things. So what do we do? We go Back to, as Dr. Cathy talked about, the core needs that every person has and for young men, first of all, is to be a sage. The core need is to be a person who's wise, because you're going to face all kinds of complicated situations in life. There's a lot of misinformation. How do you discern the truth? A second one is to be an explorer. One interesting thing about boys is they don't get to know themselves by looking inside of themselves. They get to know themselves by knowing the world around them. And so they have to be able to explore it. A third one is the warrior. We focus on this, and I don't mean it in militaristic terms, some people go to war by fighting against actual physical enemies. Others go to war. I have a brother who's an orchestra conductor. He goes to war every day against musical inadequacy by helping his orchestra be excellent in every day, everything they do. So we focus on that. One of my sons was having terrible dreams, and he asked if I would pray with them. And I said, yes, I will. And I prayed, God, would you help him dream about puppies and kittens and birds? And his eyes flew up and he said, birds aren't nice. And I thought, oh, Lord, forgive me. I was trying to psych him into having good dreams. I just said, can I start over? He nodded. He closed his eyes. I said, God, would you at this very moment, this very night, turn him into a man of courage? He was 4. Turn him into a man of courage. Turn him into a man who helps the little guy who takes his stand on behalf of what is right against what is wrong. And now that young man is an EMT training to be a firefighter. It literally has become part of his mission. It wasn't my prayer. It was God giving him this. And then I was just identifying it and calling it out. Why do we let all these false prophets in the culture curse us with all of these things about us that are not true? Just believe what God says.

[Dr. Kathy Cook]

Yeah, but it takes intentionality on the part of the parent to think these things through, be equipped, which is another good reason we're doing this today. So, Kathy, explain what the five core needs are.

Yeah, thanks. So, security. Who can I trust? Not what can I trust? Don't put your faith in yourself or your looks or your body, even identity. Who am I? Not? Who was I not? Who do I want to be? But who am I? Belonging. Who wants me? And so I can't have healthy relationships if I don't know who I am. See, identity is the core of the book. And really, what we're talking about, who am I? Leads to who wants me. The fourth one is purpose. Why am I alive? Okay. Not alive to change my gender. Okay. I'm alive to serve the Lord, to know him, to let other people know him through my behavior. And then competence. What do I do? Well, all things through Christ, who strengthens me. So security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence. And they're in that order. We have all five. They have to be net. We are very convinced in the research that young people who do not have them met in healthy ways will have mental health issues. They will have an insecurity that can rob them of beauty. They're going to be less likely to believe scripture because they're looking for the scripture to affirm their lie, and it will not do that. And one of the things that we write about that's really strong, kind of to piggyback off of what Jeff was just talking about would be the stereotype of the identity. Right. So, you know, like, boys can like musicals.

Sure.

And girls can like westerns. And boys can like cooking in the kitchen more than a sister. And girls can like helping dad change the oil in the truck. There's nothing wrong with that. And parents and grandparents and educators have to understand that, that it's okay if a girl likes to sweep out the garage and it's okay if a boy doesn't. It's okay for a girl to be a tomboy. Those stereotypes.

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