Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Episode: How Reframing Your Perspective Can Transform Your Marriage

Date: October 27, 2025
Guest: Rhonda Stoppe

Overview

In this deeply relatable and practical episode, host Jim Daly (with co-host John Fuller) sits down with author, marriage mentor, and pastor's wife Rhonda Stoppe to explore how shifting your mindset—especially in tough seasons—can breathe new life and joy into your marriage. Drawing from her book, If My Husband Would Change, I’d Be Happy and Other Myths Wives Believe, Rhonda shares honest personal stories, spiritual insights, and concrete advice on cultivating friendship, dealing with unmet expectations, and persevering in love even when circumstances (and husbands!) don’t.

The conversation is especially addressed to wives, encouraging them to see themselves as gifts to their husbands and offering hope regardless of whether their husband or circumstances change.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Backstory: Early Marriage Realities

• Rhonda dives into amusing and vulnerable stories from her 43 years with husband Steve, from selling his prized ‘69 Mach 1 Mustang for their honeymoon ([02:21]) to their first big marital spat over peanut butter toast crumbs ([03:53]).
• Insight: Many marital rifts begin when we assign negative motives to our spouse’s actions. Rhonda realized she was reading into Steve’s behavior, interpreting small things as evidence he didn’t care.
• Quote:

  "It wasn't really the issue. Wasn't the issue. I was trying to read into, assign wrong motives to his actions. And so often that's how marriages start to unravel."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([04:25])

2. Physical vs. Emotional Intimacy: The Classic Standoff

• Jim raises the recurring dynamic where wives feel emotionally neglected (“Why should I meet your physical needs if you’re not meeting my emotional needs?”) and husbands feel rejected physically ([07:13]).
• Rhonda urges empathy and perspective-taking, drawing parallels between both partners’ needs.
• Quote:

  "It's the same exact rejection he feels if you are rejecting him physically, as you feel when he rejects speaking to you for that length of time." — Rhonda Stoppe ([09:21])

3. Applying the Golden Rule in Marriage

• Rhonda explains the power of “do unto others…”: empathize with your spouse’s vulnerabilities and actively seek to meet their needs—even when it feels inconvenient ([09:41]).
• She recommends coaching husbands about what real romance looks like for wives instead of expecting mind-reading:

  "Text me throughout the day, tell me you're thinking of me. Coach them to know how to romance you, because they really don't know, and we're the only one that can tell them."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([11:36])

4. Mentorship & the Power of Example: Titus 2 Women

• Rhonda credits older women (“oldladiesknowstuff”—the name of her podcast) with saving her marriage by modeling joyful, lasting relationships.
• Quote:

  "Titus 2 women, they saved my marriage. I made friends with older women who enjoyed their husbands and they were just amazing mentors."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([06:31])

5. Dealing with “Falling Out of Love”

• For women who feel the spark is gone, Rhonda addresses unmet expectations and the danger of keeping a tally of disappointments.
• She references 1 Corinthians 13, reminding us that love “believes the best about the other person” and doesn't keep a record of wrongs ([13:00]).
• Quote:

  "How did you fall into love? You thought about what was good, right? Honorable, praiseworthy. ... It's the same way to fall out of love. You rehearse, curse the things you don't love about that person."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([13:35])

6. The Three R’s: Remember, Repent, Return

• Rhonda adapts Jesus’ words to the churches in Revelation as a blueprint for rekindling love:
  1. Repent: Examine your own heart and actions.
  2. Remember: Reflect on the good and the early friendship.
  3. Return: Re-engage in active friendship and romance.
• Quote:

  "Remember how you fell in love…they were like, 'She's my best friend. She's gonna be my best friend for the rest of my life.'"
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([15:18])

7. Family of Origin & the Importance of “New Normals”

• Rhonda and Steve start all pre-marital counseling by helping couples examine their family backgrounds and intentionally design a new, healthy marriage dynamic ([15:47]).

8. Sacrificial Love & Playfulness

• A story from Rhonda’s childhood shows the impact of tiny everyday choices—a missed opportunity for connection between her parents shown by a declined invitation to the hardware store ([16:51]).
• In response, she and Steve made playful, spontaneous togetherness a priority, leading to midnight coffee dates and even dancing in the aisles ([18:21]), and flirtatious “just for us” moments in adulthood ([19:14]).
• Quote:

  "We would listen to the 70s music that we fell in love to in the aisles at the hardware store. And we would dance."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([18:34])

9. Enduring through Hard Seasons

• Raw honesty about hardship: living off the grid with children, dealing with postpartum, and caring for extended family—all while recognizing the temptation to lash out. Rhonda admits failing at times and the power of humble self-control.
• Quote:

  "I knew I'm wounding this man with my words…But our words, you can't take them back." — Rhonda Stoppe ([21:48])

10. A Legacy of Selfless Love: Bill & Eleanor’s Story

• Rhonda closes with her in-laws’ enduring friendship and sacrificial love through a decade-long Alzheimer’s journey ([23:29]).
• Memorable Moment: Eleanor, even at the end, reflects Christ’s love and her husband’s devotion stands as a living model for Rhonda, her children, and grandchildren.
• Quote:

  "That selfless love that didn't start the day she came down with Alzheimer's. It started the decades that they worked on loving Christ, loving each other…That's what we want, right? Passing the baton…"
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([24:43])

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• Assigning Motives and Small Hurts:

  • "So often that's how marriages start to unravel. And that's what we start focusing on, is those things." — Rhonda ([04:27])

• Physical & Emotional Neglect as Parallel Wounds:

  • "It's the same exact rejection he feels if you are rejecting him physically as you feel when he rejects speaking to you." — Rhonda ([09:21])

• Coaching Your Spouse:

  • "You have to coach them that speaks romance to me so much more... Text me throughout the day, tell me you're thinking of me." — Rhonda ([11:34])

• Falling Out of Love Mechanics:

  • "...It's the same way to fall out of love. You rehearse, curse the things you don't love about that person." — Rhonda ([13:35])

• Creating Playful Memories:

  • "We would listen to the 70s music that we fell in love to in the aisles at the hardware store. And we would dance." — Rhonda ([18:34])

• Self-Control in Difficult Seasons:

  • "Our words, you can't take them back. And... the fruit of the spirit...self-control was the only fruit on my vine." — Rhonda ([22:14])

• Long-term Selfless Love:

  • "That selfless love didn't start the day she came down with Alzheimer's. It started the decades that they worked on loving Christ, loving each other." — Rhonda ([24:43])

Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:21] Rhonda’s early marriage & the Mustang story
• [03:53] The peanut butter toast saga—assigning motives
• [07:13] Physical vs. emotional intimacy “brokered” between spouses
• [09:41] The “Golden Rule” and serving each other’s vulnerabilities
• [12:13] Feeling “out of love”—how unmet expectations spiral
• [14:40] The “Three Rs”: Repent, Remember, Return
• [16:51] The hardware store anecdote—choosing connection
• [18:21–19:14] Playfulness in marriage as a deliberate habit
• [20:28] Persevering through exhaustion, postpartum, and family stress
• [23:29] Bill & Eleanor’s example—legacy of steadfast love

Tone and Closing Thoughts

Rhonda Stoppe’s warmth, humor, and candor shine throughout the episode. She acknowledges marriage is filled with struggle and mundane challenges but offers biblical hope: Your legacy, and your children’s emotional security, are forged in how you choose to engage—especially when it’s hard.

She challenges wives to take the initiative to love first, believe the best in their husbands, and pursue a friendship that lasts for decades, echoing Christ’s love and modeling healthy relationships for the next generation.

For additional resources, marriage assessments, or a copy of Rhonda’s book, see the show notes or visit Focus on the Family’s website.

“You want to live in a way that they say, 'That's our normal.’ ...Passing the baton on—our hope is...that we will live in a manner worthy of our calling, that will draw our children and our grandchildren toward Christ and to live out a marriage that they'll one day want to emulate.”
— Rhonda Stoppe ([25:17])