How Reframing Your Perspective Can Transform Your Marriage

Summary

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Episode: How Reframing Your Perspective Can Transform Your Marriage

Date: October 27, 2025
Guest: Rhonda Stoppe

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Overview

In this deeply relatable and practical episode, host Jim Daly (with co-host John Fuller) sits down with author, marriage mentor, and pastor's wife Rhonda Stoppe to explore how shifting your mindset—especially in tough seasons—can breathe new life and joy into your marriage. Drawing from her book, If My Husband Would Change, I’d Be Happy and Other Myths Wives Believe, Rhonda shares honest personal stories, spiritual insights, and concrete advice on cultivating friendship, dealing with unmet expectations, and persevering in love even when circumstances (and husbands!) don’t.

The conversation is especially addressed to wives, encouraging them to see themselves as gifts to their husbands and offering hope regardless of whether their husband or circumstances change.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Backstory: Early Marriage Realities

• Rhonda dives into amusing and vulnerable stories from her 43 years with husband Steve, from selling his prized ‘69 Mach 1 Mustang for their honeymoon ([02:21]) to their first big marital spat over peanut butter toast crumbs ([03:53]).
• Insight: Many marital rifts begin when we assign negative motives to our spouse’s actions. Rhonda realized she was reading into Steve’s behavior, interpreting small things as evidence he didn’t care.
• Quote:

  "It wasn't really the issue. Wasn't the issue. I was trying to read into, assign wrong motives to his actions. And so often that's how marriages start to unravel."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([04:25])

2. Physical vs. Emotional Intimacy: The Classic Standoff

• Jim raises the recurring dynamic where wives feel emotionally neglected (“Why should I meet your physical needs if you’re not meeting my emotional needs?”) and husbands feel rejected physically ([07:13]).
• Rhonda urges empathy and perspective-taking, drawing parallels between both partners’ needs.
• Quote:

  "It's the same exact rejection he feels if you are rejecting him physically, as you feel when he rejects speaking to you for that length of time." — Rhonda Stoppe ([09:21])

3. Applying the Golden Rule in Marriage

• Rhonda explains the power of “do unto others…”: empathize with your spouse’s vulnerabilities and actively seek to meet their needs—even when it feels inconvenient ([09:41]).
• She recommends coaching husbands about what real romance looks like for wives instead of expecting mind-reading:

  "Text me throughout the day, tell me you're thinking of me. Coach them to know how to romance you, because they really don't know, and we're the only one that can tell them."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([11:36])

4. Mentorship & the Power of Example: Titus 2 Women

• Rhonda credits older women (“oldladiesknowstuff”—the name of her podcast) with saving her marriage by modeling joyful, lasting relationships.
• Quote:

  "Titus 2 women, they saved my marriage. I made friends with older women who enjoyed their husbands and they were just amazing mentors."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([06:31])

5. Dealing with “Falling Out of Love”

• For women who feel the spark is gone, Rhonda addresses unmet expectations and the danger of keeping a tally of disappointments.
• She references 1 Corinthians 13, reminding us that love “believes the best about the other person” and doesn't keep a record of wrongs ([13:00]).
• Quote:

  "How did you fall into love? You thought about what was good, right? Honorable, praiseworthy. ... It's the same way to fall out of love. You rehearse, curse the things you don't love about that person."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([13:35])

6. The Three R’s: Remember, Repent, Return

• Rhonda adapts Jesus’ words to the churches in Revelation as a blueprint for rekindling love:
  1. Repent: Examine your own heart and actions.
  2. Remember: Reflect on the good and the early friendship.
  3. Return: Re-engage in active friendship and romance.
• Quote:

  "Remember how you fell in love…they were like, 'She's my best friend. She's gonna be my best friend for the rest of my life.'"
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([15:18])

7. Family of Origin & the Importance of “New Normals”

• Rhonda and Steve start all pre-marital counseling by helping couples examine their family backgrounds and intentionally design a new, healthy marriage dynamic ([15:47]).

8. Sacrificial Love & Playfulness

• A story from Rhonda’s childhood shows the impact of tiny everyday choices—a missed opportunity for connection between her parents shown by a declined invitation to the hardware store ([16:51]).
• In response, she and Steve made playful, spontaneous togetherness a priority, leading to midnight coffee dates and even dancing in the aisles ([18:21]), and flirtatious “just for us” moments in adulthood ([19:14]).
• Quote:

  "We would listen to the 70s music that we fell in love to in the aisles at the hardware store. And we would dance."
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([18:34])

9. Enduring through Hard Seasons

• Raw honesty about hardship: living off the grid with children, dealing with postpartum, and caring for extended family—all while recognizing the temptation to lash out. Rhonda admits failing at times and the power of humble self-control.
• Quote:

  "I knew I'm wounding this man with my words…But our words, you can't take them back." — Rhonda Stoppe ([21:48])

10. A Legacy of Selfless Love: Bill & Eleanor’s Story

• Rhonda closes with her in-laws’ enduring friendship and sacrificial love through a decade-long Alzheimer’s journey ([23:29]).
• Memorable Moment: Eleanor, even at the end, reflects Christ’s love and her husband’s devotion stands as a living model for Rhonda, her children, and grandchildren.
• Quote:

  "That selfless love that didn't start the day she came down with Alzheimer's. It started the decades that they worked on loving Christ, loving each other…That's what we want, right? Passing the baton…"
  — Rhonda Stoppe ([24:43])

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• Assigning Motives and Small Hurts:

  • "So often that's how marriages start to unravel. And that's what we start focusing on, is those things." — Rhonda ([04:27])

• Physical & Emotional Neglect as Parallel Wounds:

  • "It's the same exact rejection he feels if you are rejecting him physically as you feel when he rejects speaking to you." — Rhonda ([09:21])

• Coaching Your Spouse:

  • "You have to coach them that speaks romance to me so much more... Text me throughout the day, tell me you're thinking of me." — Rhonda ([11:34])

• Falling Out of Love Mechanics:

  • "...It's the same way to fall out of love. You rehearse, curse the things you don't love about that person." — Rhonda ([13:35])

• Creating Playful Memories:

  • "We would listen to the 70s music that we fell in love to in the aisles at the hardware store. And we would dance." — Rhonda ([18:34])

• Self-Control in Difficult Seasons:

  • "Our words, you can't take them back. And... the fruit of the spirit...self-control was the only fruit on my vine." — Rhonda ([22:14])

• Long-term Selfless Love:

  • "That selfless love didn't start the day she came down with Alzheimer's. It started the decades that they worked on loving Christ, loving each other." — Rhonda ([24:43])

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:21] Rhonda’s early marriage & the Mustang story
• [03:53] The peanut butter toast saga—assigning motives
• [07:13] Physical vs. emotional intimacy “brokered” between spouses
• [09:41] The “Golden Rule” and serving each other’s vulnerabilities
• [12:13] Feeling “out of love”—how unmet expectations spiral
• [14:40] The “Three Rs”: Repent, Remember, Return
• [16:51] The hardware store anecdote—choosing connection
• [18:21–19:14] Playfulness in marriage as a deliberate habit
• [20:28] Persevering through exhaustion, postpartum, and family stress
• [23:29] Bill & Eleanor’s example—legacy of steadfast love

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Tone and Closing Thoughts

Rhonda Stoppe’s warmth, humor, and candor shine throughout the episode. She acknowledges marriage is filled with struggle and mundane challenges but offers biblical hope: Your legacy, and your children’s emotional security, are forged in how you choose to engage—especially when it’s hard.

She challenges wives to take the initiative to love first, believe the best in their husbands, and pursue a friendship that lasts for decades, echoing Christ’s love and modeling healthy relationships for the next generation.

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For additional resources, marriage assessments, or a copy of Rhonda’s book, see the show notes or visit Focus on the Family’s website.

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“You want to live in a way that they say, 'That's our normal.’ ...Passing the baton on—our hope is...that we will live in a manner worthy of our calling, that will draw our children and our grandchildren toward Christ and to live out a marriage that they'll one day want to emulate.”
— Rhonda Stoppe ([25:17])

Transcript

[A]

God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope. Visit truthrising.com today. That's truthrising.com.

[B]

Really the issue wasn't the issue I was trying to read into, assign wrong motives to his actions. And so often that's how marriages start to unravel. And that's what we start focusing on, is those things.

[C]

Well, Rhonda Stopi is with us today on FOCUS on THE FAMILY with Jim Bailey, talking about how you can change the way you view your marriage and see some really positive results. Yeah.

[A]

You know, John at FOCUS on THE Family, we want everybody's marriage to be as healthy and intact and thriving as possible. And it's why we have so many resources for folks, whether it's a video clip or a full broadcast like this one or podcast or whatever we're doing. We want to help you in that area. Yeah.

[C]

And the show today is about ways that wives can make their marriage more joyful whether or not their husband or their circumstances change. We want to be clear, though, we're not trying to say women are causing all the problems in marriage. Both spouses usually make mistakes. We're all fallen people. But we want to reinforce that wives are a gift to their husbands. And we want to empower wives to see their marriage from a new perspective and to experience as much love and connection to their husband as possible. Ron Da Stopi is our guest. She's been a pastor's wife for over 30 years and she's an author, marriage mentor and speaker. And today we're going to be talking about one of her books called if My Husband Would Change, I'd Be Happy and Other Myths Wives Believe. You'll find the details about Rhonda and her many books and that one in particular in the show notes.

[A]

Rhonda, it's great to have you back.

[B]

So fun to be back with you.

[A]

Boy, you're tapping the nerve center on this one. This is like going to the dentist for a root canal.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm sure it'll be insightful. Let's start with your love story with your husband, Steve. I mean.

[B]

Oh, you know, I am just crazy about him. We've been married 43 years.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

Yes. And I actually on one of your shows, embracing your unique love story, Steve and I go into our love story. And you guys can watch all that episode later to get all the details. Right. Right. The highlight of it was he couldn't remember more. He remembered more about his 1969 Mach 1 Mustang than he did about our date life. But it did take place in the Mach one. Wow.

[A]

Sounds like the expectations are already.

[C]

Steve is in the gallery.

[A]

Thumbs up. Yeah. Way to go, Steve.

[B]

And then we sold it when we got married to be grown ups. And so we used.

[A]

Whose idea was it to sell the car? I just need to. Oh, his dad. Not yours, though? No. Okay, good.

[B]

I love that car.

[A]

You were already a wise wife at that point.

[B]

Yeah, I learned to drive in that car. But he. Yeah. So I think he sold it for $3,000. It's worth over 100,000. We used the money for our honeymoon. So I like to say he took me on $100,000. Honeymoon.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

That's a good way to look at it. And I'm sure your first kiss was in the car. I don't know.

[B]

No, it was not.

[A]

Okay, all right.

[B]

No, it was not. It was not, actually. And I'll say this, the first kiss, he'll say I kissed him first, but he did that thing where he gets right up there and didn't lean in. Just waited.

[A]

He didn't have an option.

[B]

And then I finally leaned in. So he will say I kissed him first, but it was a setup.

[A]

Technically, I think Steve's in the. Right there, But I don't know. People can write and call and text us if you disagree. Yes.

[B]

But he's super fun. He is like the love of my life. We laugh all the time, but it wasn't always. Laughs. It wasn't always when we got married. So when we first get married, I walked down the aisle with that big white hat veil thing. In the 70s. No, I got married in the 80s, in the 80s. And when we went on our honeymoon, we took a month and we went to all the places that I've never been, the national parks that I had never been. And we went to Yellowstone was one of these places. And we'd been traveling, car rides, fast food. I got super constipated. Sorry, Just being real and uncomfortable. So he gets these little pills and he gives me one one night. He says, take it. You'll be fine in the morning. Well, I wasn't fine in the morning. But we'll try again tomor we go to Yellowstone. And Yellowstone has Old Faithful. So he's, you know, young. And we're going to hike up this hill, this mountain to look down on Old Faithful. When it erupts from that vantage point, it's going to be so good. I'm like, yeah, it's going to be so good. And at that point, you know, when you're dating and they want to go hiking, you're like, yeah, I'll go hiking. I really didn't like hiking, but I liked him. So. So I don't know anyone. I'm like, yeah, let's hike. We hike up to the top of this hill. But as we're hiking, my morning coffee and that pill that I took the night before and the exercise started working. And I was like, hang on, hang on. And finally I'm like, dude, I gotta get down that mountain to that bathroom where there's gonna be our own Old Faithful Geyser right here. And he's looking at his little blushing bride going, okay, for better or worse. So I think that's when he realized he didn't marry a princess. He married a woman with needs. But for me, when we got married, we went to work. We lived in the San Francisco Bay area. We flipped houses. We would. Because it was so expensive, you know, California. And so we would live in them, flip them. And we had moved into this one little house, and I worked full time, and he worked full time. And he was a carpenter. And so he would. On Black Fridays, they didn't have to work, him and his brother, or on rainy days. And I would come home and he and his brother would be playing Atari video games, you know, Pong. And was that Space Invaders. And they would have made peanut butter toast for their snack throughout the day. And there would be crumbs on the counter, and I would just clean. And the next time I would be peanut butter toast. And I would clean them up. And finally one day, I walked into the kitchen and there were peanut butter toast crumbs. And I just started sobbing. And he comes in and he's like, what is going on with the peanut butter toast crumbs? And I said, you don't care what I do all day. I felt like those peanut butter toast crumbs screamed to me, clean it up, lady. Do it again. And he said, I was just making them on the counter instead of dirtying a plate so you didn't have to have a dish to wash. So it wasn't really the issue. Wasn't the issue. I was trying to read into, assign wrong motives to his actions. And so often that's how marriages start to unravel. And that's what we start focusing on is those things. And when I knew I had a potential to become the wife that I had watched in my family, I come from long line of divorce in my family. I knew I needed help and I knew that if I didn't get some help from older women, because oldladiesknowstuff, that's the name of my podcast and I will swear by that. Titus. Two women, they saved my marriage. I made friends with older women who enjoyed their husbands and they were just amazing mentors.

[A]

Yeah, it's good, Rhonda. There seems to be this eternal battle where the perception is and it's not always the shoe on that foot. Sometimes the roles can be reversed. And we've heard from people that say, hey, wait a minute, I'm the one that wants more physical intimacy. And this is the walk wife speaking. But typically maybe that 9010 rule 80, 20 rule. The husband's desire, the appetite, that is God given. I mean, let's face it, if we didn't have that appetite, there may be no children in the world, but that feeling like this is what he's thinking about all the time, it's all he cares about. I'm tired of it. It just like is unending. And then on the other side is this emotional need that the wife is typically saying, you know, you don't meet any of my emotional needs, why should I meet your physical needs? And it seems to be this brokered thing that we gotta figure out in marriage. What's a healthy, spiritually led, God centered way of dealing with this?

[B]

You nailed it. The Lord created us to long for intimacy in those specific ways. When wives understand that God gave your husband a longing to connect with you in the marriage bed. It's not wrong, it's God given. He created in you a longing to connect with your husband through your emotions, through conversation, through all of those things. So I'm speaking to the wives right now. Let's say your husband came home from work every day. You're a stay at home mom, you're eating the crust off the kids, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, all the things. You're just surviving. He comes in, you've been in the same yoga pants for a week. And he comes in and he, you're saying, you know, what's it like out there? What did you have for lunch? What are people talking about? And he's like, I can't. I have used all my words for the day. I can't talk to you. And he sits in his chair and he turns on the TV and watches sports, you'd give it to him. If you did that for two weeks, you would feel unloved and not valued, disconnected. In the same way. If your husband comes home for two weeks and every day you say, do not touch my skin. I have been touched by babies. I have been nursed on. I've been talked to. I don't want that. I'm tired. I'm too tired for that. It's the same exact rejection he feels if you are rejecting him physically as you feel when he rejects speaking to you for that length of time.

[A]

Is that alluding to the golden rule you're talking about in the book? What's the golden rule?

[B]

Well, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I want you to talk to me. I want you to. Well, then you serve him. And I know that was like, oh, you just lost me, woman. But he's vulnerable in this area. This is a vulnerability that he has. And the only person on planet earth that can meet this need without him struggling with shame or fear is you. And God gave you to him to do that. So for wives, your husband comes home and he brings you some gerber daisies. And you're in the thick of it, and you're doing homework with the kids and you're making dinner, and he sees you're busy, so he puts those daisies on the counter and he goes in and watches TV to get out of your way so that you can get done. But he's thinking he's gonna get lucky tonight. Cause he brought you those gerber daisies, and you're looking at those daisies going, I'm a whop him upside the head with those daisies. Get in here and help me, buddy. But he doesn't. And the more that he doesn't help, the more irritated you are, right? So when the kids are finally in bed and he says, you know, gives you that little wink and you're like, no, I'm tired. If we're gonna live with our husband according to knowledge, real romance is different in different seasons of our life. When Steve and I were dating, he'd bring me flowers from across town, and I would be like, oh, how romantic. When my kids were little, it's like, you wanna romance me? Make all this crazy go away. I don't care if you feed em cereal for dinner. I don't care if they go to bed without a bath. Just give me five minutes. I've had my mama hat on all day long. My sexy mama hat is somewhere under the bed in the dust bunnies. Let me go find it, and I'll meet you in the bedroom. You have to coach them that speaks romance to me so much more. Text me throughout the day, tell me you're thinking of me. Coach them to know how to romance you, because they really don't know, and we're the only one that can tell them. And I think when you've watched marriages around you unravel growing up, you know, I don't want to do that. But it's so easy to focus on what you don't want to do that you don't really know what to focus on that you should do. But having the understanding that God called Titus two women to mentor younger women, and what did he tell them to do? To teach them how to love their husbands and love their children. And that word for love, their husband is to be a friend to their husband. That word is friendship. Love. I wanted to be my husband's friend for the rest of his life. I didn't want him to have to, like, walk in the door, take a deep breath, like, how's she gonna be today? You know, walking on eggshells. So this book really walks women through what I learned from the older mentors in my life.

[A]

Yeah. In that regard, though, the woman. And I think this is pretty common today. Women that feel like they're falling out of love, you know, as if it's a switch and, you know, and the fact that feelings may not be your best detector of what is true, but they superpower over us. How we feel is who we are so often, rather than the reality of who we are. But speak to that woman who, you know what? He just. Yeah, he hasn't met my expectations. That's category one. Then it moves to therefore. I don't feel like I'm as in love with him as I once was. Therefore, maybe this thing is coming to an end.

[B]

Whew. That's a hard one. And I feel like we have to back up to understanding the expectations when they're not met. We start keeping a record of those expectations.

[A]

Have you noticed it?

[B]

I've never noticed. And 1 Corinthians 13 says that love does not keep a record of wrong. It also says, love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, believes all things in. That passage means believes the best about the other person. The same way that I want my husband to believe the best about me, I want him to do that for me. I wanna do that for him. But, you know, in our own Self righteousness. It's common for us to blame someone else. And when we are judging someone else for not measuring up to our expectations and keeping a list of those, there is a tendency to fall out of love. Because how did you fall into love? You thought about what was good, right? Honorable, praiseworthy. You rehearsed the things that you loved about that person. And it's the same way to fall out of love. You rehearse, curse the things you don't love about that person.

[A]

You know that's true. I'm thinking you fall out of the feeling of love. You know, think of our relationship with the Lord. You know, if it's based on our behavior, the Lord would be saying, I am so done with you. You haven't met my expectations. You haven't lived up to the standard I set for you. Why have you disappointed me like this? I mean, you can hear that conversation. If that were the nature of God, thank you, heavens. It's not. He loves you unconditionally. And it's hard to repeat in the human experience. Rhonda, let me ask you. In the book, you mentioned the three Rs that you encourage couples to follow to get that feeling back, that feeling of love. So let's hit that for hope.

[B]

You know where those three R's came from? When Jesus talked to the churches in the Book of Revelation and he said, remember from where you have fallen, he says, repent, remember, return. And that's a beautiful picture. When our relationship is starting to not be what we had hoped it would be, when we know we need to rekindle it. If you think about it, your kids are gonna emulate your marriage. What do you want for your kids? Do you want them to just tolerate their spouse or be tolerated by their spouse? You wanna live in a way that they say, that's our normal. Steve and I do premarital counseling with couples. And the first thing we unpack is, let's talk about your family of origin. What is your normal? And let's create your new normal. So remember, the first one is repent. And that's when we talked about the log. Out of your own eye. Most people will judge others harshly, right? But they don't wanna evaluate their own sins. So search me, oh God, know my heart, try me. Know my anxious thoughts. See if there's any wicked way in me. Lead me in the way everlasting. And then the next one is to remember. Remember how you longed for them to look your way, to call you, to give you attention. Remember how you fell in Love. Remember those magical moments? And, you know, we talked earlier about being a friend. Remember, you were their friend when you were dating. They were like, she's my best friend. She's gonna be my best friend for the rest of my life. Well, who do you like to hang out with? Do you have friendships where they keep record of. You didn't call me on my birthday. You haven't called me in two weeks. I've been waiting to see how long it was gonna take you before you threw me a text. Hey, you said this, and it hurt my feelings. Those relationships we're kind of careful with. You don't want to be that spouse. You want to be the one that, you know, he knows that woman believes the best about me.

[A]

In the book, you also mention a story about your parents and what they taught you in, I would say, kind of sacrificial love. I think it had to do with late night trips to the hardware store or something. But this is one of those things to keep playfulness alive, to keep connection alive. What was the story about your parents, and how did you embrace that and increase your time with Steve in a positive way?

[B]

My parents were teenagers when they got married, and they were not believers. My dad came to Christ when I was four years old, and it literally changed the trajectory of our family. I actually led my mom to the Lord six months before she passed away in 2016. But my mom and dad didn't have good examples in their upbringing. They came from families with addictions and all that, so they tried the best they could. And my dad one day came in and asked my mom, hey, I gotta go to the hardware store to buy a ladder. You wanna come with me? And she said, why? Why would I want to go with you? And she didn't go. And I saw it deflate my dad. So what I learned wasn't, look how they did it, right? It was, she just deflated him.

[A]

And you could see it.

[B]

Physically, I could see it. And I remembered that experience as a child, not dwelling on it in a resentful way, but saying, I want to learn not to be like that. So Steve and I, we would flip houses, and we would live in these houses. Let me just tell you what a mess that was. But it was, like, part of our story. But one night he was like, we're gonna go to the hardware store. There was one open all night, and our oldest daughter was old enough to watch the two younger ones. So we tuck everybody into bed, and we would go to this hardware store. And then at midnight, they Actually dim the lights to start the new day. And then the lights come back on. And so we would go to this one hardware store, we'd grab a coffee, and they would play the best 70s music. I think they knew that it was those of us that age that were there at that time.

[A]

I was thinking coffee at midnight, you guys, gang.

[B]

We were in youth ministry. We were up till 4am Most of the time with those teenagers. And so we. We would listen to the 70s music that we fell in love to in the aisles at the hardware store. And we would dance. And he's probably going, don't tell that.

[A]

Well, he must be a good dancer.

[B]

But it was so romantic. And I would have missed that if I would have said, you go, I'm gonna stay here with the kids. Right? So learning from just making it fun, making it playful. You would have dropped everything when you were dating if he asked you to go, right? And so another fun story. So Steve took a new job. We were in Texas. We had an opportunity to come back. And he was pastoring at a church now that he's actually been here 25 years. We just celebrated. And he was a brand new pastor there. And I was in his office and I was praying for him. Cause it was a hard decision for us to come back. We really loved our church.

[A]

To Colorado.

[B]

No, I'm sorry. California.

[A]

Oh, California.

[B]

We loved our church in Texas that we had planted and to come back to California. We're both Californians. California is not the easiest place to be in ministry. We came back. So I was in Steve's office praying for him while he was out in the sanctuary doing band practice. And he's got his, you know, mic and he's playing the keyboard, singing every. The whole band's out there. And he comes into his office to get some music and I grab him and I pull him to myself and I'm right in his face. And this is a family show, so I'm not going to tell you what I said to him, but I said something like, I'm so hot for you right now or something like to that effect. And he said, let me just turn off my mic. And he reached back, he had his mic right by his mouth. And I just was like, no. And he's like, yes, everyone in the band. I stayed in there till everybody went home. But those are playful memories that you just want to keep in your marriage. Because honestly, especially when you're raising kids and you're sleepless nights and you're hormonal and you're Tired. There's so much work to be done.

[A]

Well, that's the question I was going to ask the very next one. So nice setup for that woman that is dealing with difficulties physically, emotionally, that keep her from being the person, the wife that she wants to be. What do you say to her in a counseling session?

[B]

I've been there. I have been there. And even when you know that you are those things coming out of your mouth that you know are hurting your relationship and you just keep going. A hard season in our life. We had the ranch that we own in California. We moved to the middle of nowhere. We lived on a generator for almost three years. We were off the grid. And you are gutsy, but I love that guy. So I followed him. We had a one bedroom house, Slept on a sofa bed in the living room so our two kids that we had at the time could have the one bedroom. And I had a surprise pregnancy with my young. Did the whole pregnancy on that sofa bed. Brought her home to this little cottage. And Steve's parents, his mom came down with Alzheimer's, and so we had his dad move up on our property to a house on our property so he could take care of her full time. And it was hard. And I would watch his mom so his dad could go to town. And his mom, who used to love me all of a sudden didn't love me anymore. She was irritated with me and it was hard. And I had little kids and I was hormonal. I had postpartum after that baby. It was a very hard season. And living on a generator. So, you know, you're like.

[A]

And sleeping on a sofa.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna turn on the generator to run the dishwasher. You can watch cartoons while I do. I mean, you know, it's all those things. And sleeping on a sofa, no place to hide. But I remember one day, Steve came in the house, and I can see his face as I'm looking at him over the kitchen counter. And I just started in. You know, they're coming home from work and they're, hi, honey. You've already had the argument. You've already had it. And you're ready to tell them all the things you're gonna tell him. Hi, honey. And he. I just said, you always. You never. This, that, and the other. And I was just dumping on him all the hard parts of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, rhonda, what do you want me to do? And I realized we were just in a hard season. And there was nothing that he could do to fix it. There was nothing. And I was expecting him to somehow make it better. And I knew I'm wounding this man with my words. I'm trying to help him be better at what he can do. But this is the best that we have at this season. And so I apologize to him and I promised myself I would never do that again. But our words, you can't take them back. And you know, when we're in that place, and I remember saying, when I was so hormonal, the fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, gentleness, patience, all those things, self control was the only fruit on my vine. I could hold my tongue, keep my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking lies, and ask the Lord just to give me strength. Because I knew this could be the unraveling of what I wanted for our friendship, for our relationship, for our adoration of each other. And who's watching your kids and how insecure do they feel?

[A]

Yeah, it's good. You know, right here at the end. I want to ask you this. You have a story of a married couple in the book. If my husband would change, I'd be happy. I'm not going to give the tagline. You can give that in a minute, John. I think their names were Bill and Eleanor, who had a wonderful love story. What happened and why is it important to end on this?

[B]

That's my mother in law and my father in law. So Bill and Eleanor. I had never seen a couple be friends with each other. I'd never seen somebody love each other the way that my husband's parents did when I met them. And over the years, I know I have to make this short, so I will. You can read the whole story in the book. Their love for Christ, for others, for sharing the gospel. They were just the picture of what I would have wanted for my marriage. And then Eleanor came down with Alzheimer's and Steve's dad just took care of her. And you know the Bible, Jesus said, there's no greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend. And she was his friend.

[A]

How long did that take?

[B]

10 years. She was 10 years. So for 10 years, he took care of this woman who had been his friend all of their years that they had been married. And he adored her. He wouldn't put her in a home. He took care of her. And I watched and my kids watched. That selfless love that didn't start the day she came down with Alzheimer's. It started the decades that they worked on loving Christ, loving each other. And loving, telling people about Jesus. And the last, before she lost her ability to speak, she stopped talking, except she could speak in German. It was so funny. But I was watching her one day, and she was telling me, I led this woman to the Lord. We have to help her. And I'm like, she never goes anywhere. Who'd you lead to? The Lord. Like, literally. And I took her to the restroom later that day, and then she was washing her hands. She looked in the mirror. She goes, that's her. And she didn't recognize herself in the mirror. That's her. That's the woman that I led to Jesus. We have to help her. And it just so resonated with my heart that her love for Christ, even to the end, and the love that she had for her husband so reflected her love for Christ. And that is reflected in her children, her grandchildren, and now in her 15 grandchildren, her great grandchildren that are ours. That's what we want, right? Passing the baton on our hope is in the few years that we're here, that we will live in a manner worthy of our calling, that will draw our children and our grandchildren toward Christ and to live out a marriage that they'll one day want to emulate.

[A]

Wow, that is a perfect place to end. And what a beautiful love story that is. You know, we say those vows when we get married, for better or worse, rich or poor, in health and sickness. And that sounds like he kept those vows right to the end. So well done, Rhonda. Thanks for being with us. This has been good. It went by really fast. And I just want to look at the viewers on YouTube and the listeners. I just want to say we're here for you. If something that we've talked about today is. Is resonating with your heart, get in touch with us. A good first thing to do is let's get you a copy of Rhonda's book. If My Husband Would Change, I'd Be Happy and Other Myths Wives Believe. And it's a wonderful resource. You got a taste of it through the program today. Maybe you know somebody who needs that kind of help. Also, we have a marriage assessment tool. It's free. You can take it. It takes like, seven, eight minutes to do, and it will, in a good way, point out the things you're doing well and some areas you need to work on. And, man, it's just a good way to get started, to get to the marriage that you really want and that the Lord wants you to have. That's the key. And let's get started. If you can make a gift of any amount monthly or one time, we'll send you a copy of Rhonda's book to get started. You help us in ministry, we can help you in your marriage and we can go from there.

[C]

Yeah, you can find that marriage assessment ways to donate and request the book. If my husband would change, I'd be happy and other myths wives believe. All the details are in the show notes. Or you can call us 800, the letter A in the word family. Well, join us next time as Cynthia Tobias explains how to get along with family or co workers who have a different thinking or learning style.

[B]

How many of you know someone who is definitely not like you? You know they don't think like you did. You also know this, they don't want to think like you.

[C]

On behalf of the team, thanks for listening to FOCUS on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[A]

God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope. Visit truthrising.com today. That's truthrising.com.