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Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
How to Break Free from the Pain of Past Experiences (Part 2 of 2)
00:27:15
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- [00:01]
Jim Daly
God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope. Visit truthrising.com today. That's truthrising.com.
- [00:32]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
The time to turn around is right now. Today. Decide to turn around. If you're on the wrong path, God is able to restore the years that the locusts have eaten. You'd be surprised as to what God can do with the rest of your life, no matter the mess that you've been in in your previous years that you've lived.
- [00:55]
John Fuller
That's Dr. Erwin Lutzer, and he was our guest last time on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly talking about breaking free from the chains of the past which keep us from healing through Christ. Thanks for joining us as we continue the conversation today. I'm John Fuller.
- [01:11]
Jim Daly
You know, John, we looked at some things yesterday that keep people from experiencing God's best, including not being honest with others, maybe not even with ourselves, about our failures, our sin, maybe something that was done to us and we're the victim. Dr. Lutzer emphasized the need for a strong prayer life to overcome Satan's schemes and to trust in God more fully. Ephesians 5:8 says this for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light. Isn't that awesome? What a great illustration of God's relationship to us and what he does for us in that regard. Today we're gonna continue the discussion and offer more help to you. And if you missed last time, you've got to get the download, get the app, do what you need to do because it's a wonderful conversation and we're going to build on it today.
- [02:06]
John Fuller
Indeed. And Dr. Erwin Lutzer is pastor emeritus of the Moody Church in Chicago. He served there as Senior Pastor for 36 years. He's written a number of books and today we're coming back to this one, putting your past behind Finding hope for life's deepest hurts been revised and expanded, and we have that here at the ministry. And the link is in the show notes. And some of the content in our conversation might not be suitable for younger children.
- [02:36]
Jim Daly
Dr. Lutzer, welcome back to Focus on the Family.
- [02:39]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
It's always great to be with you. And what excites me is the practicality of our discussions as we're trying to help people, taking them by the hand taking them by the arm and hopefully leading them along and a better understanding of themselves and God's grace.
- [02:58]
Jim Daly
Perfect. And, you know, in the book, you have an illustration that really talks about that, about how addictions, in this person's case, and how those addictions devastated their life. Living in Chicago many years ago, I think this gentleman was part of the police department. Superintendent.
- [03:16]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
He was actually the superintendent.
- [03:18]
Jim Daly
Yeah. And he was on a destructive campaign. Describe him and what happened to him.
- [03:24]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Yeah, his name was Richard Brezek. And the reason I feel free to refer to him is he and his wife actually wrote a book later about their journey. But here's what really is helpful about his story. He was really a sex addict, and he fell in love with a stewardess. And he tells the story of what happened. But the thing that really helped me understand addiction was this. He talked about the euphoria. It's as if you are in another zone. It is so euphoric that actually you lose all sense of proportionality. Even when he said to his wife, one day, I'm going to break up with her, that very day, he asked this flight attendant if she would marry him. Can you imagine that? So here you have the ambivalence of human nature. But the addiction was so strong. And so what happens when you're in the midst of that? Well, it leads to alcoholism, you know, in order to deaden the pain. It also leads to lying and deception. I mean, he lied to the media and lied to everyone. And as a result of that, you have a whole cluster of sins that come together. And to people who are struggling with addiction, whether it's alcoholism or whether or not it's sexual or some other addiction, what you always find is they always come in clusters. And so his story was very insightful, and it helped me to see how it is that these people feel so propelled toward this kind of behavior and even taking risks afterwards. He was excited by the risk that he was taking. Many years ago, I was speaking to a woman who was a kleptomaniac, and she said, I stole things from the store that I didn't even need. But. But just the rush, the excitement of being able to do it and to get by with it was addictive. So what that reminds us of is that we could be addicted to almost anything if it gives us the kind of buzz that addictions give people. And so it's a terrible, destructive kind of lifestyle.
- [05:42]
Jim Daly
Well, it is. And I think a psychologist would say that's that dopamine hit, right? That's the rush you're looking for to feel that euphoria that you were describing. In that context, though, how God redeem Brezik's life, I mean, well, I'm not.
- [05:57]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Sure exactly, except that he says in his book that in prison, he found God. And I suppose that that happens to a lot of people who, in utter desperation, at the end of themselves, having told themselves these lies for so long, finally seek God, and God is there for them. And it's too bad, isn't it, Jim, that it takes that before people turn away from their sin to God and to all who are listening. We may be talking about the kind of addiction that you are dealing with. Let me encourage you right now to go for help rather than waiting until everything is destroyed.
- [06:38]
Jim Daly
Well, that's a good comment. And in fact, you know, he and his wife did reconcile. They were able to get through that. Yes.
- [06:45]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Amazingly, their marriage was able to survive.
- [06:49]
Jim Daly
Yeah. What are the roadblocks to breaking. Breaking those chains of addiction? It seems like the entire culture's addicted to something now, Whether it's screens or drugs or alcohol or sex or. I mean, it's all about coping mechanisms and addictions.
- [07:06]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Yeah. Well, what holds people bound is, first of all, a feeling of guilt. The other thing that I think really motivates this is a feeling of helplessness. You know, there are people out there who think that I'm so deep in this, there's no way that I can possibly get out. And actually, when you stop to think of it, if people are thinking that they are denying the faithfulness of God because God says that there is no temptation taken you except such as common to man, and he is faithful. So the first thing that somebody has to do is to recognize that God can be there for them, no matter the greatness of their sin. There is also grace and. And there's a path forward. Now, that path may not be easy, because as we talked about last time, it necessitates a great deal of honesty. But at the same time, I say to all those, find help.
- [08:06]
Jim Daly
Erwin, you've written about alien bonds. That sounds like a title of a science fiction movie, but you're saying that in the context of the things that destroy what God intended for human sexuality, these alien bonds, what do we need to know about the power of those bonds?
- [08:26]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Jim, this is so critical. In First Corinthians, chapter 6, the apostle Paul says this. He says that if a man has a sexual relationship with a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with her. Wow. What does that mean? It means this, that sexuality is more than just a physical relationship. It's more than just a physical thrill. Here you have a relationship where there's no love. It is simply pleasure for money. And yet God says he makes them one. Now, this is why virginity actually is very important. Because if you lose your virginity, there's a sense in which. And I've counseled many people who said that after that happened, I had a number of different relationships because after all, you know, my innocence was no longer there. But here's the point. Let's suppose somebody is promiscuous. They are bonded to this person. They are bonded to that person, bonded to that other person. They have all these relationships, and then they go down the aisle in church. And everybody thinks that they're going to have a happy marriage. And what happens later on often is that the marriage falls apart. That's why I tell people that if that is your experience, a multiplicity of relationships, a multiplicity of bonding, what you have to do is to bring all that to God, bring all that to the foot of the cross. And then I talk about secondary virginity. That is to say, you may not physically be a virgin, but spiritually, I do believe that there is a place of starting again, but it's recognizing what the sexual bond really is. And this bond is so important. I remember talking to a young girl who said that even though he abused me, it was my first relationship. If he asked me to marry him, I'd do it. Why? Because there was a bonding there that was beyond the physical. So what we have to do is to realize that. I believe that in First Corinthians 6, the apostle Paul gives us more insight into sexuality than many, many books that have been written on the subject.
- [10:42]
Jim Daly
Yeah, I mean, again, research has shown that bonding hormone is present in both women and men. I think God orchestrated to be. That's the commitment. That's why he wants that gift given in the context of marriage. Because that bonding that actually is occurring is for a purpose.
- [11:03]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Let's use the Garden of Eden as an example. There's no way that Adam and Eve were allowed back into the garden once innocence was lost. So this boyfriend says to his girlfriend, let's just do it once. It'll be our secret. What they don't recognize is that they are opening a door. Innocence is over. And now that innocence is over, all kinds of dominoes have been set up that may eventually result in a very disastrous situation.
- [11:35]
Jim Daly
Forgiveness for the person that's carrying that baggage of sexual sin into the marriage. How do you instruct that person to leave that at the altar, knowing that hopefully that's been repented of and you know, you're on the better footing now with the Lord. But it's hard to leave that behind.
- [11:57]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
You know, Jim, one of the most blessed passages of scripture is in Luke chapter seven. I think I have the correct chapter there. Jesus invites this woman. I love this passage, this woman, because everybody knows that she was a woman of the street. She comes in to the feast. Simon, who's very self righteous, is angry that she's there. And then he says, if this man, namely Jesus, were of God, he would know what kind of a woman this really is. And she washes his feet with her hair and dries them with her hair. And Jesus in the midst of all of these people, tells a parable that reminds us of the fact that those who have sinned much love much. And those who think they have sinned little, namely Simon and all of his friends, they love little. And then Jesus says to her, in the presence of these self righteous people, her sins, which were many, are forgiven. And I think that that story helps so many people as they think about the fact that in the midst of their brokenness and sinfulness, in fact, I've known prostitutes who have ended up having a good marriage if they accept the cleansing and the forgiveness of Christ. There is such a thing as a new beginning. But you have to want may not come overnight, but God is there to help us. In fact, the whole purpose of redemption is to help us in our very, very broken world. And I love that story. I love to preach it to people because it gives hope to so many.
- [13:47]
Jim Daly
Erwin, we've teased this a little bit last time and today, but what about someone who's suffering from their past as a of abuse? There seems to be many. I mean, of course sexual abuse is prevalent. Unfortunately, you know, many young boys and mostly girls experience something like that. And it can be something that is a light memory or something that's a profoundly deep, troubling, life altering memory. What are the steps that they should take for healing?
- [14:24]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
I think first of all they should feel the pain and I know they do, but they have to look at it honestly. They should not make excuses for their abuser, as some people do. They say, well, you know, he was an alcoholic and he did this and that. There's no excuse for a child being abused. So take a good look at the pain, grieve the loss, because we're talking to people who actually have had their childhood taken from them because of the abuse that they endured. But then at the same time, as we emphasized last time, they really do have to lay down their bitterness and know that there is forgiveness and hope for them if they are willing to recognize that the anger and the bitterness that they feel is holding them back. And then one other great word of encouragement. I want to shout this out to people. You don't have to be perfect in order for God to begin to use you. I've known people who've experienced abuse, and they became a great blessing to many other people, even though we might look at them and say, well, they haven't come the whole way yet. God uses imperfect people. As a matter of fact, as you know, Jim, that's all he has to work with, is imperfect people. So let us encourage people and know that no matter where they are on their journey, we have to point them in the right direction. But at the same time, recognize that God has a purpose and that even in that, they can begin to see that they can minister to others. Listen, there are people out there who can minister to others that I can't minister to.
- [16:10]
Jim Daly
Sure. I mean, that's the goal of the church. Right. Come get refueled on Sundays, but then go out into community and do the ministry.
- [16:17]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
But, you know, in 2 Corinthians, the apostle Paul talks about us comforting others with the same comfort with which we are comforted of God. So there are people out there that you can minister to and you can help, even if you don't have it all together. And then the question is, who of us has it all together?
- [16:38]
Jim Daly
You mention in the book a story about a woman that you counseled who had been abused by her alcoholic father. That had to be decades of healing. Describe that situation and what helped her.
- [16:52]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Well, first of all, the question that I'm often asked by abused people is, where was God when all this happened? I think that is the number one question.
- [17:02]
Jim Daly
Sure.
- [17:02]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Does God care about me or does he not? And one of the things that I always try to help people to understand is there's a lot of mystery connected with God. I mean, I'm an older man, older than you, Jim. And I contemplate God a great deal. And I have to say that I don't understand many of God's ways. I do know this, that in the midst of that kind of pain, in the midst of that kind of disappointment with God, God is there for you if you call out to Him. So what you have to do is to once again go through the process of honestly looking at your pain, honestly considering what happened to you without trying to minimize it, but at the same time, you have to lay it down and you have to move on. So, you know, in terms of that woman, well, she represents many women that I've counseled throughout the years, and I've tried to encourage them and to help them and to know that God is near the brokenhearted. And if you take your need to him, he will meet it, and you'll be able to go on from there. It doesn't mean that you're going to have a perfect life because of what happened to you. But always remember this. God will never judge you for doing a bad job of raising your parents. So if your father abused you, it's on him. It's not on you, and it doesn't depreciate your value as a person, which.
- [18:39]
Jim Daly
Is so critical because so many victims do feel that way.
- [18:41]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Yes.
- [18:42]
Jim Daly
And they see themselves as in some way, guilty for something which is not accurate. So, again, people just need to know God's love for them is there. Erwin, you have an illustration about making a wrong turn in your life. I love this because I've often thought of myself, this is what we would refer to as wisdom. And I always envisioned it from my 20s as kind of being on life's freeway. And you have all these off ramps you can take. And the wisdom is, is that an off ramp I should take. And you could put any label on that. But wisdom is, you stay on that highway of life, and if you're taking that off ramp, you better have a good reason to take it. But speak to that illustration.
- [19:30]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Well, you know, this was many, many years ago. Okay, here it is in northern Wisconsin. And we were with some friends who said, you know, There's a restaurant 10 miles away. We'll take you there. So there are four of us in the car, and they were new there, but they thought they knew where the restaurant was. But it's snowing, and there may be 6 or 8 inches on the road already. But they knew where the road was, and they thought that we could get there. Well, we went mile after mile after mile, and then they began to recognize this is the wrong road. And we have no idea. This was in the days before gps. We have no idea where we are going. So the question is, how do we turn around? Now, this person had a very heavy car, and there were no off ramps. I mean, as we went along, we were looking for a place to turn around. Well, finally we found an approach to this road, and he tried to back up, but the car was stuck. And So I had an idea because I was a farm boy, and I understood this. I said, you know what we have to do? We have to get branches from the trees, and we have to put them under the tires, under the back tires, and inch by inch, get the car out of the snow. And we were able to do that. Now, here are some lessons. Number one, sometimes we get on the wrong road and we could actually mislead others. You know, I don't know that it was the case, but somebody else could have seen our track in the snow and said, well, this road is going somewhere, and it wasn't. Number two, there's never a good place to turn around. You know, as you go along in life, you always think, well, I'm going to turn around now, or I'm going to turn around later. And I would say to all those who are listening, the time to turn around is right now.
- [21:32]
Jim Daly
Today.
- [21:33]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Decide to turn around if you're on the wrong path. And then what you have to do is recognize that in the process of turning around, you might discover that you've lost some time, but thankfully, it can be made up. God is able to restore the years that the locusts have eaten. You'd be surprised as to what God can do with the rest of your life, no matter the mess that you've been in in your previous years that you've lived.
- [22:01]
Jim Daly
You know, Erwin, right at the end here, I want to capture this because something we do called that the world may know. With Ray Van der Liyen, it's great teaching. Ray is a Jewish scholar, so he applies that Jewish perspective on reading scripture, and it's very insightful. One of the things that he talks about that most of our conversation has been under the umbrella of is that when sin entered the world, chaos entered the world. And when Jesus came into the world, he came to give God's shalom, God's peace, to a world of chaos. So no matter which direction you look in our life, addictions, all the things that we've talked about, abuse that may occur, all that chaos that exists because of sin, and then Jesus comes to say, my yoke is easy, My burden is light. My shalom is here for you. But we have to be able to reach and say, I believe. Just describe for the nonbeliever that might be listening to us right now. They're not in the fold, so to speak. What would you say to them about that reach, that ability for the scales to fall from their eyes?
- [23:15]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
You know, Jim, in the movie the Last Emperor, there's a Scene in which the emperor says, I can do evil and somebody else is blamed for it. So he takes a vase, throws it onto the floor, it falls into a thousand pieces, and over there, a servant is whipped. In Christianity, it is the opposite. We are the servants who take our lives and we throw them onto the floor and they're in a thousand pieces. And our Emperor, our Savior, is whipped. To those who are seeking hope, remember that Jesus Christ's death on the cross was a payment for sin for all those who would believe on him. And you have not sinned too much. You have not gone too far from the path in order to receive right now a free gift of eternal life through repentance and faith, because he's the one who paid our debt. So we end with a great message of hope. No matter who you are, no matter where you are listening, whoever wills may come.
- [24:26]
Jim Daly
Wow, that's good. I think it's a great place. And we don't do this that often, but maybe we can stop right here and ask you to pray for that person who has doubts, doesn't have a relationship with Christ, but they're tasting it and they say, I'd want that. Can you pray for them?
- [24:44]
Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Father, we want to thank you today that Jesus paid it all. We thank you that there is nothing for us to do to receive eternal life except to receive it in humble repentance and faith. We thank you that Jesus Christ's death was sufficient for all who believe. And when he said it is finished, it was finished. Overcome doubts, overcome reluctance, overcome darkness. For all who are listening. We pray today that if they've not put their faith and trust in Christ, they may do that right now for as many as received Him. To those he gives the power to become the children of God, even to those who believe on his name. We thank you in Jesus name, Amen.
- [25:37]
Jim Daly
Amen. And thank you for being with us, Dr. Lutzer. Appreciate it couldn't end in a better place than the invitation to join God's family. So thank you for that. We do so appreciate it. And if this is sparking something in you, maybe you're under the weight of guilt, or maybe you haven't been living a life that you feel is honorable to your commitment to the Lord. Get in touch with us. Get a copy of this great book, putting your past behind you. It will give you the tools to be able to move in that direction and to ask for God's forgiveness. And if you need counseling, we're here for you. We have caring Christian counselors. You could schedule a call with them. They will talk with you, help you with other resources, including this book, and give you some input on where to seek deeper healing. We're here for you. We have Coming Home, a great PDF download about joining God's family. It kind of expands on what Dr. Dr. Lutzer was praying for. You get in touch with us for that. We're here for you and we're just.
- [26:40]
John Fuller
A phone call away. And Jim, you mentioned Dr. Lutzer's book. We're going to send that to our listeners for a donation of any amount. And this reminder that this week only through the 30th, we're offering a special opportunity for you. When you commit to a monthly gift of $30 or more, you'll become part of our Friends of Focus on the Family monthly partner program. And monthly donations really help support this show and allow us to bring on trusted experts and bring you trusted advice. So for your pledge of $30 a month or more, you'll receive our exclusive travel mug, our show travel mug, and a sample of Jim Daly's special blend coffee. And we thank you in advance. We really appreciate your support. You can donate via the link in the show notes or call 800. The letter A and the word family. Thanks for joining us today for FOCUS on THE FAMILY with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
- [27:47]
Jim Daly
God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth. Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center. See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth. Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope. Visit truthrising.com today. That's truthrising.com.