How to Build Moral Courage in Your Kids (Part 2 of 2)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly – "How to Build Moral Courage in Your Kids (Part 2 of 2)"

Introduction

In the February 26, 2025 episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller welcome back Jill Garner to continue the crucial conversation on building moral courage in children. Building on part one, this episode delves deeper into cultivating a strong heart in kids, equipping them to navigate the complex moral landscape of today’s world.

Building Moral Courage in Kids

Defining a Strong Heart

Jill Garner begins by reiterating the definition of a strong heart, which she described in the previous episode: “a young person with moral courage, grounded in truth and fortified with self-respect” (00:55). This foundational concept is essential for raising children who can stand firm in their beliefs amidst societal pressures.

Raising Strong-Hearted Children in Today’s Culture

Jim Daly emphasizes the increasing challenges faced by Christian families today: “Our children, as, you know, kids coming from a Christian family, they need strength, they need courage. And I think they're going to need a lot more of it than maybe what our generation had to deliver” (00:34). Jill concurs, highlighting the necessity of ongoing discussions about moral strength in children.

Manners of the Heart Curriculum

Jill introduces her evolved curriculum, Manners of the Heart, now termed “heart education,” which focuses on cultivating humility, respect, and resiliency in children. She shares, “We've been in hundreds of elementary schools across the country... We also have a school in Kampala, Uganda, which is really a precious school” (03:07). This widespread adoption underscores the curriculum’s effectiveness in diverse settings.

Practical Application: Lessons from Braveheart

John Fuller brings a relatable example by discussing the impact of the movie Braveheart on his sons. Jill reflects on the deeper moral lessons of the film: “It was very real, very realistic... he absolutely knew what was right and what was wrong... that gave him the moral courage” (04:24). This discussion underscores the importance of exposing children to narratives that reinforce moral courage and truth.

Cultivating Traits for a Strong Heart: GRIT

Jill introduces the GRIT framework—Guts, Resilience, Integrity, and Tenacity—to help parents understand and foster these essential traits in their children.

• Guts: Defined as “the willingness to try,” Jill shares an engaging exercise from her high school program where she encourages students to volunteer, demonstrating that the act of trying is more important than the outcome (10:08).

  “What's more important is that you're willing to try.” – Jill Garner (10:08)

• Resilience: Jill recounts a personal story involving her granddaughter and gym bars. She emphasizes the importance of allowing children to face challenges and learn from failures, fostering resilience through experience (12:01).

  “They might land on their backside, right? They might not make it. But that's where they learn to get up and try again.” – Jill Garner (12:59)

• Integrity: Discussing integrity, Jill references Henry Cloud’s definition: “the courage to meet the demands of reality.” She stresses the necessity of parents embodying integrity to serve as authentic role models for their children (13:48).

  “We have to be willing to stand up in those tough moments and meet those demands of reality.” – Jill Garner (13:48)

• Tenacity: Jill highlights her grandson Jack’s dedication to swimming, illustrating tenacity through his focus on personal improvement rather than competition (14:38).

  “What's most important to Jack is did I take a few seconds off my time from the last time I swam this heat?” – Jill Garner (15:42)

Other-Centeredness and Respect

Jill shares an inspiring story about her five-year-old neighbor, Walt, who showed remarkable generosity by distributing his birthday money to help neighbors with rising gas prices and food costs (16:43). This example serves as a catalyst for discussing practical ways to nurture other-centeredness in children.

Practical Approaches to Foster Other-Centeredness

Jill provides actionable strategies, such as recognizing and meeting the needs of others. She narrates a personal anecdote where her sons helped neighbors by providing water and snacks during a summer heatwave, reinforcing the joy and importance of giving (18:10).

Persuasive Pressure: The Ruby Rule

Introducing the concept of "persuasive pressure," Jill explains how gentle and respectful encouragement can help children develop strong moral character without coercion:

“The Ruby rule is to respect others the way you want to be respected.” – Jill Garner (20:58)

This approach aligns with cultivating honest and respectful interactions, fostering a sense of integrity and responsibility in children.

Handling Disrespect in Teens

Addressing a common parenting challenge, Jill advises parents dealing with disrespectful teenagers to engage in honest and humble conversations. She emphasizes the importance of parents acknowledging their own shortcomings and committing to change:

“From this day forward, we're going to do things differently...” – Jill Garner (23:44)

Jill highlights that disrespect often stems from unmet emotional needs and advocates for a compassionate, scripturally grounded response to rebuild relationships.

Conclusion

Jim Daly and John Fuller wrap up the episode by reinforcing the key lessons shared by Jill Garner. They encourage listeners to engage with Jill’s book, Strongheart: Cultivating Humility, Respect, and Resiliency in Your Child, available through their ministry. The hosts also invite listeners to support the ministry through donations, highlighting the impact of such contributions on spreading these vital teachings.

Notable Quotes

• Jill Garner on Guts:

  “What's more important is that you're willing to try.” (10:08)

• Jill Garner on Resilience:

  “They might land on their backside, right? They might not make it. But that's where they learn to get up and try again.” (12:59)

• Jill Garner on Integrity:

  “We have to be willing to stand up in those tough moments and meet those demands of reality.” (13:48)

• Jill Garner on Tenacity:

  “What's most important to Jack is did I take a few seconds off my time from the last time I swam this heat?” (15:42)

• Jill Garner on Persuasive Pressure:

  “The Ruby rule is to respect others the way you want to be respected.” (20:58)

• Jill Garner on Handling Disrespect:

  “From this day forward, we're going to do things differently...” (23:44)

Final Thoughts

This episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly offers invaluable insights into fostering moral courage in children. Through practical examples, personal anecdotes, and a biblically grounded approach, Jill Garner provides parents with the tools needed to nurture strong, respectful, and resilient children. Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, or guardian, the strategies discussed are essential for guiding the next generation with integrity and courage.

Transcript

[Jill Garner]

We want to pray for our children that they would discover and feel that sense of God's pleasure right when they are operating in God's will for their lives, that we want them to feel that sense of God's pleasure.

[Jim Daly]

That's Jill Garner encouraging us with some very practical ways that we can raise children with strong hearts. Welcome back to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And Jill is back with us again today. We're looking forward to hearing more from her about how to equip our children to be morally courageous in this world. Your host is FOCUS president and author Jim Daly. And I'm John Fuller.

[John Fuller]

John, last time Jill began describing what it means to be a strong heart. You're going to hear that over and over again. I think it's a good thing. Just think about that with our kids, especially in the culture we're in now. Our children, as, you know, kids coming from a Christian family, they need strength, they need courage. And I think they're going to need a lot more of it than maybe what our generation had to deliver.

[Jill Garner]

Right.

[John Fuller]

It's getting harder and harder. So it's a good thing. And Jill's going to describe in greater detail what that means. Last time we covered the definition of strongheart, and that's a young person with moral courage, grounded in truth and fortified with self respect. I thought the content was terrific. If you missed it, go back and listen. And you get that from the app or the website, wherever you can listen. And today we're going to continue that discussion. She's developed a manners of the Heart curriculum that champions humility, respect, resiliency, et cetera, all the right attitudes that we want our kids to have. Sometimes those can be difficult to deploy as a parent with our kids. We talked about that last time. And how do we teach humility? You know, think about it. It's kind of like how do you define water? Sometimes that can be hard. She makes it much easier.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. And if you begin with the end in mind, as Stephen Covey talked about, you're thinking right now about how do I develop these traits. Jill has so many great insights and she's written wonderfully about this topic in a book called Cultivating Humility, Respect and Resiliency in youn Child. And you can learn more about Jill and all that she's doing in this terrific resource at our website. The link is in the show notes.

[John Fuller]

Jill, welcome back to FOCUS on the Family.

[Jill Garner]

Thank you. Glad to be back.

[John Fuller]

And let's the folksy part of it, you grew up in Louisiana, right?

[Jill Garner]

Well, I grew up in Mississippi, actually, and then I moved to Louisiana about 35 years ago.

[John Fuller]

That's amazing. What a great part of the country. Of course, the Robertsons are good friends, the Duck Dynasty folks, and they have turned being from Louisiana into quite an industry.

[Jill Garner]

Have. Yes, they have. Between that and New Orleans. But I tell everybody, skip all that and come to Baton Rouge.

[John Fuller]

There we go. That's good advice.

[Jill Garner]

See us in Baton Rouge.

[John Fuller]

I mentioned that curriculum called Manners of the Heart. You know, sometimes today with all the strain, especially in public schools, who are pumping a lot of not so healthy stuff into our kids. We talked about that last time, this idea of self esteem versus self respect. But what is that curriculum and how does it help create a strong heart?

[Jill Garner]

Well, Manners of the Heart. I wrote the first curriculum more than 20 years ago now, and it's really evolved into really heart education, which is really what we call it, the education of the heart.

[John Fuller]

How many elementary schools are using that?

[Jill Garner]

Oh, goodness. We've been in hundreds of elementary schools across the country. We're in Mexico City. We also have a school in Kampala, Uganda, which is really a precious school. It's about the fourth, fifth year, I think, going into the fifth year with that school, which is really a sweet, sweet place to be.

[John Fuller]

That's good. It's so good. Last time I briefly mentioned your love of Braveheart, I started by saying we share that same fanfare, I guess, for that movie. And I set out, actually, as a dad, I mean, when my two boys were at the right age, the age appropriateness for watching Braveheart. We sat and watched it and we talked about what it meant to be a man in that kind of context. It was a great tool. I think they would say today it was one of their best and favorite movies as well, even today, now that they're in their 20s, because it had so many great elements in that context. What do you think families can learn from Braveheart? Of course, we went on to the Patriot just about every Mel Gibson movie.

[Jill Garner]

All right, all of them. All of them. Almost all of them.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. Almost all of them.

[Jill Garner]

Almost all of them. But, yeah, Braveheart, what I love so much. I was teaching a Bible study at the time when Braveheart came out, a ladies study. And a couple of ladies got very upset with me because one lady's. Her husband had taken her to the movie to see it when it came out, and she laughed. She said, this is too bloody. It's gory, and, you know, it's too much. Too much. And I said, no, you missed the Point you missed the whole point of the movie. It was very real, very realistic. I mean, that is how the battles were fought. But I said, but you missed the deeper, deeper point of Braveheart to me, which was that he knew. He was so grounded in truth is what I saw from Braveheart, from William Wallace. He was so grounded in absolute truth. He absolutely knew what was right and what was wrong in the situation which he found himself. And he was determined to walk it out, you know, to stand for truth. And that gave him the moral courage that he had to fulfill his destiny. Right to fulfill. And by destiny, of course, I mean his God given purpose. Right? And that's, to me, that's exactly, you know, what we're trying to do with strong heart.

[John Fuller]

You know, in that context, though, absolute truth seems to be so elusive for the culture today. I mean, if you claim absolute truth as we as Christians will believing scripture is absolute truth, we get attacked and people say that's your truth, but not my truth. How is the understanding of absolute truth and as I define it, kind of understanding of the truth of God's word, how does that encourage a strong heart or bravery?

[Jill Garner]

Right. Well, I believe it really, it helps to kind of cultivate bravery in a child's heart. It kind of goes back to something I mentioned in our last interview. But we want our children to know whose they are and why they're here. And when we're cultivating, wanting them to be brave, those two questions have to be answered, and they're going to be answered through absolute truth, through knowing God's Word and knowing what God's word stands for. Because you can throw out any issue in our culture today and what the world is saying is going to be the antithesis of what God's word says. But unless our children know Scripture, they're not, they're not going to know that. And how do we begin? Like for very young children? I mean, I'm helping my youngest granddaughters memorize scripture now. And we started that when they were three or four years old, you know, which is the time just begin that and give them that love for the scripture. But even beyond memorizing scripture, they have to see it in us. And they have to see that we live by absolute truth, that we don't shade the truth, that we don't, you know, color it, that we don't fudge a little here and there. You know, they have to see, see and understand what absolute truth is and see in us that we live and abide by God's word even when it's hard. You know, so often we can try to teach our children what we want them to learn, but they are going to emulate what they see in us.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, that's so true. Actions are bigger than words, and that's a fact. You mentioned the book, your childhood. You had a battle with being fearful. That's not uncommon. But you felt it was handicapping you as a child. The best way I could read it and describe it. But you kind of determined, okay, I'm gonna help my kids not have those fears that I had. Very typical of us as parents, when we have our childhood experiences, we want to compensate to make sure our kids don't have those things, whatever they might be. Mine was probably scarcity, being an orphan kid. So, man, you know, we went to Disneyland far too much. I overindulged them as a parent. We were compensating. Yeah. I was doing that with my boys. You know, we just. And Gene had kind of grab me and say, okay, we're okay. We don't have to overindulge them. But you did that in the context of fear. Describe that. And how did you help your kids not be fearful? That's a big one.

[Jill Garner]

Yeah. I was afraid of everything as a child. I was scared of my shadow. I was scared of the dark. I was scared of water. I was scared of heights. I was scared of people.

[John Fuller]

Wow, you had it going.

[Jill Garner]

I really. I truly did. I really, truly did. And it was. And it really was a handicap for me, especially moving into middle school and in high school, it really. It impeded me, you know, it kept me from having deeper relationships. And, you know, I would always say, oh, no, I can't do that. I can't do that. And so I was determined, as you said, Jim, that my sons were not going to be. Because I was aware of it and I had overcome it. One way that. That I overcame that is in high school, one of my girlfriends, who knew I was so afraid of things, said, you know what? Rather than getting afraid when we're going to go do something and you won't, because you get scared, and then you're going to get a tummy ache and you won't go, think of that as anticipation. Think about, wow, okay, I'm feeling scared. But you know what? It's not that I'm scared. It's that I'm anticipating what's to come. And as I began to think of it in those terms, it brought that fearfulness into excitement.

[John Fuller]

No, that's good. I mean, some people, like, if you Speak publicly. It's very common to have a bit of fear because you look out, there's a thousand people, you better deliver. Right, Right. So, I mean, it's always, yeah, there's.

[Jim Daly]

Some reason you should be a little bit afraid about that.

[John Fuller]

Let me pour into more of the content that you described. GRIT as an acronym. You use that to help people understand the goal, what we're trying to hit. And I'll just use the four, and then we'll go in, and you could fill it in. But it's guts. Resilience, integrity, tenacity. So let's go through that. What qualifies for having guts?

[Jill Garner]

For guts to me. Guts to me is really nothing more and nothing less than the willingness to try. Right. It's having the guts. Guts. Is it saying, I'm going to raise my hand? And we used to have a high school program that we did for quite some time with high school kids, and we just had to let something go to focus on our young learners, which is where we really focus now is on young learners. But in our high school program, I would start a day with maybe 125 kids in the room and a whole day of training. And I would say, I need three volunteers. And, you know, frozen. No one would move. And I would say, okay, let me tell you something. I found in my years of working with high school kids, that the kid who's willing to try is the one who's going to go a long way, because it doesn't matter if you succeed or fail. What's more important is that you're willing to try. And all of a sudden, of course, hands went up all over the room. That's guts, right? The kid who's simply willing to try. And that's what we have to tell our children to help them develop guts. It's not what's not as important if you win or you lose, succeed or you fail. What's most important is the willingness just to stand up and try, especially at a younger age.

[John Fuller]

And I'm thinking of flag football. What a great place for that to be demonstrated. You know, just take the ball and run.

[Jill Garner]

Right.

[John Fuller]

Half the time they don't know which direction they're running in. It's so funny. I remember baseball. I took turnout to play baseball. It was T Ball, 5 years old, and it was so funny just standing there watching these kids, because the coach would hit a gentle ball out to right field. Everybody would run to the ball, including the catcher. So then he had said, no, no, no, you stay here. But all Mind players would run to the ball, but they're out there trying. That's how they're gonna learn. Okay. Resiliency. I think we have a theme developing. This is with your granddaughter, who had a gym bar. I think the gym thing is big in the family here. But what was that with building resiliency?

[Jill Garner]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. So one of the girls wanted to get on the gym bars, and the older daughter, the older granddaughter, had mastered it, you know, had learned it, and it was pretty good. Bit off the ground. The younger one said, oh, I'm gonna do it. And my inclination was to say, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, be careful. No, wait. I know. I'm not so sure you're ready. And I realized, wait a minute, Jill. Of course. Which I have to tell myself all the time. You teach this stuff, Jill. You're supposed to. You're supposed to know what to do. And I said, oh. And I had to swallow hard and wince a little bit and let her go and let her do it without trying to stop her or even to just say, be careful. Be careful. I just needed to zip it because we have to let our kids try, right? And sometimes we can stop that advancement in them and have to let them try. And they might. They might land on their backside, right? They might not make it. They might fall, but that's where they learn to get up and try again.

[John Fuller]

That might be your next book. Parenting book, Zip. A lot of parents need to do that.

[Jill Garner]

A lot of us need that one.

[Jim Daly]

These are good lessons from our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, Jill Garner. She has written so extensively and from her heart about the importance of developing character and how that comes out in our child's lives, what that looks like. Get a copy of Jill's book, Strong Cultivating humility, respect, and resiliency in your child. We have that book here at the ministry, and you'll find the details in the show notes. And, Jill, this next letter is hard for me because it's almost as if it's on me to model integrity more than teach it. So address the I for integrity.

[Jill Garner]

Absolutely. That is so, so, so true, John. I love the definition of integrity. That really comes from my friend Henry Cloud. That integrity is the courage to meet the demands of reality, which I think is so hard, so hard for all of us, because, you know, in those difficult moments, when it's sometimes in the moment, it seems easier to give in right in the moment. But we have to be willing to stand up in those tough moments and Meet those demands of reality. Right. That's the courage to meet those demands of reality. You know, we always say when, you know, when I was growing up, the big thing was do as I say, not as I do, not as I do. Right. That was the big thing. And somehow that kind of worked, I think, in my generation. I don't believe that works in today's generation.

[Jim Daly]

No. We have to be authentic.

[John Fuller]

They sniff it out. All right, Grit. The T is for tenacity. I like tenacity. But your grandson Jack kind of holds the world's record for tenacity. What does he look like?

[Jill Garner]

What does he Accurate. So great. Jack is a 10th grader and he has been into swimming for quite some time in competitive swimming. And he's very, very serious about it. And you know, he, he. He tickles me when he says, no, no, Gigi, you didn't get that right. I now go to practice at 5:30 in the morning, three days a week. You know, all that. He wants to make sure I have it right. And what I love about Jack and watching him swim is his attitude toward it because it's so tenacious. When he comes up and he finishes and he touches the side of the pool and that head pops up immediately his eyes turn to the scoreboard, but he is not looking, I assure you, he is not looking for his placement. He is looking at the time. Because what's most important to Jack is did I take a few seconds off my time from the last time I swam this heat?

[John Fuller]

So it's about him and his time rather than him and the competitors.

[Jill Garner]

Totally. It's kind of a lot of what we've talked about. Right. He's looking for how I'm competing with myself. He really wants to see. I think about Eric Little, you know, from Chariots of Fire, that when I run, I feel guys pleasure. When Jack pops that head up, you know what he's looking for is how fast, how far can I go? I want to know what God created me to do. I want to discover that. And that's just on the side note, that's one of those beautiful prayers that I often recommend to parents when it comes to all of these attributes and qualities, is that we want to pray for our children, that they would discover and feel that sense of God's pleasure right when they are operating in God's will for their lives, that we want them to feel that sense of God's pleasure.

[John Fuller]

You speak in the book about developing the practice of other centeredness. You came around, I think, a five year Old, I think his name was Walt, if I remember correctly. And he gave you a great example. What was that like?

[Jill Garner]

Oh, he did. My precious little neighbor. We live in a cul de sac and we're in a small neighborhood, but in our cul de sac we're especially very close to each other. And Walt had apparently been picking up, as 5 year olds do, the news and everything that the adults around him were talking about with the high gas prices and all the inflation. And he would, he had really, it had gone. Taken to his heart. Had gone to his heart. He was very concerned about it. And I opened my mailbox one day and there was a little Ziploc bag in there with a little note and it just said Walt. And it had $2.02 in coins in it. And I thought, oh goodness, maybe Walt stuck it in the mailbox, you know, by mistake or something. So my husband went to return it to my neighbor to find out that, oh no, no, no, no, that was a gift. And that Walt had taken his birthday money and had divided up his birthday money and had put it in each of the neighbors in the cul de sac. Cause he wanted to help us with our high gas prices.

[John Fuller]

Oh my goodness.

[Jill Garner]

And the cost of food.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. As a five year old. As a five year old boy, that's a future economist. I wonder where Walt is today. Jill, not all of us are going to have like a genius child like Walt who's going and putting money in other people's mailboxes to help them with their gas. But what are some practical things we can do with our children to help that other. Centeredness.

[Jill Garner]

Right. So one of the things I did with my boys is I was always trying to help them see the needs of others and how they might could meet those needs to give them that others centeredness perspective. For instance, we stopped at the dry cleaners during the summer and the air conditioner was out. And you can imagine dry cleaners is miserable anyway and the air conditioner is out and we're in south Louisiana. It was miserable. And I boy, I wish there's something we could do for those ladies. And the boys said, mom, we can do something. And so we went home and we loaded up some water bottles and you know, got some snacks and stuff, put it on ice and took it back. I stayed in the car. The boys were around 10. I stayed in the car and the boys took it in, you know, and gave them and made sure everybody got water bottles and all and talked to them for a minute and they were just of course, the boys came out and they were just as high and joyful as they could be as those they had served, right? But that was that way of, you know, helping them always look if there is a need in front of them, how they can meet that need.

[John Fuller]

It's beautiful how God has created in us that joy of giving, the joy of giving to others. Isn't that amazing?

[Jill Garner]

Oh, it's incredible. And there's, there's so many ways that, that we can cultivate that it's there. And, you know, we just need to cultivate and help our kids constantly look for how they can meet the needs of others.

[John Fuller]

You speak to the fact that parents have a responsibility to train up their children in the way they should go. That's a biblical reference to Proverbs 22:6. Sometimes that means you gotta push them a little. And what is a mechanism of persuasive pressure that gets the right result?

[Jill Garner]

Yes, I love this concept of persuasive pressure. You know, scripture tells us to use wise words, right? With gentleness and respect is what it tells us. To me, that's persuasive pressure. You know, a ruby, that's why there's a kind of a cut ruby type looking heart on the front cover of Strongheart. Because a ruby is even harder to mine than diamonds. You have to go much deeper. It takes more heat, more pressure to actually mine it and get those rubies out and then turn them into the beautiful stones that we use today. And the same thing is true with persuasive pressure. We want to get underneath. We want to mine out, right, those beautiful qualities so our children can become those beautiful gemstones that God created them to be. And we do that with our kind words of gentleness and respect. And of course, the wisdom that we use comes from scripture.

[John Fuller]

You kind of twist in a good way the golden rule about wanting to be, you know, treated well, you know, treat others the way you want to be treated. But that ruby rule says what right we call it?

[Jill Garner]

The Ruby rule is to respect others the way you want to be respected.

[John Fuller]

Huh? Is that now does that work?

[Jill Garner]

I believe it does work. You know, something that we teach children in our curriculum in this whole idea of other centeredness in respect based education, is that you have a decision to make. When you're faced with disrespect, you can return disrespect, but what are you going to get? More disrespect, right? You're going to get even violence. I always say that not all disrespect ends in violence. But all violence began with some level of disrespect. So you have that choice to make. Or you can choose to be the greater person, the stronger person and return disrespect with respect. Now you can begin to break down a wall. Now perhaps that can dissipate that disrespect. Because disrespect has nothing to do with it if you're not giving it back, right? And now maybe you can get and have a civil conversation.

[John Fuller]

You know, Jill, so often right here at the end, I'm thinking of the parents who are, you know, they might have the 13, 14, 15 year old. They're in those teen years and, you know, just hasn't been managed well. And that's okay. There's all the time for self reflection and all that. But I would suggest, I think you would support that. It's not too late to try to turn those things around, especially if they're mirroring that disrespect. You need to look at your own example, right? That's probably the best thing you could do first and make sure you're representing the core things you want your kids to live by, such as respect and humility. And if you're not seeing it in your children now I've got to give the disclaimer, the Lord gives each one of us free will and that's why it's not a formula. You can do things that have predictive ability to love your children well, to teach them humility and respect. But guess what? Kids still get to choose. I know we don't like that. But there's a higher predictability that if you've demonstrated these things and lived by them in terms of practice, your children should be able to catch those, embrace those. But the parent that has struggled for whatever reason, what do I do now? Jill, I'm hearing you, I get it. But my 15 year old is so disrespectful to me. What do they do?

[Jill Garner]

Yeah, well, what a tough question. Very tough question. I believe it would start with a very honest conversation where the parent needs to be very transparent to recognize to, you know, say to that 15 year old, you know, that I recognize that I haven't been the person, you know, I haven't been who I need it to be for you to be able to become, you know, who God intends for you to be. I've been even a hindrance, you know, rather than a help.

[John Fuller]

And that's humility.

[Jill Garner]

And that's utter humility, isn't it? It is Utter humility. And then something I always believe is almost like cold turkey, that it's when you sit down and have that difficult conversation that you say, from this day forward, we're going to do things differently. You know, from this day forward, I know what the past has been, I know where we have been and look where it's gotten us today. And if you truly have a disrespectful 15 year old, then you've got a miserable kid. I mean, that, that goes hand in hand. If they're disrespectful, then they're miserable. And it also means their heart needs have not been met. Because whenever there's trouble on the outside, there's always a struggle on the inside in the heart. And we can go back and see at what their soul questions children need satisfied at each stage of development, which we talk about. And we can go back and see what we missed, what we didn't give our kids that we needed to give them and start afresh, start anew. I mean, scripture tells us that, you know, every day has new grace and new ability. And I really believe sometimes I think we just have to go cold turkey when we need to make a serious course. Redirection.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

And it takes effort, it takes energy, it takes thought, it takes the ability to actually live through your own humility, your own need for respect, et cetera. But it's the best thing and it will be the most powerful thing you do for your children if you're in the that spot. And the other thing I would caution parents who are in that spot is a 15 year old. Right. You know, with the disrespectful 15 year old, look at the long game here. Not, you know, they may be behaving that way, but you know, I think it will be different at 30, hopefully sooner. But hang on to that relationship. Don't sacrifice the relationship and the influence that you have. And a lot of parents can testify to that. Their relationship is far better now, but it took some time, maybe some years to get there and just don't give up on that relationship. That is good advice, I think. But Jill, this has been terrific. Strong heart, cultivating humility, respect and resiliency in your child. Great concept. And it's been so good to talk with you. Thanks for being with us.

[Jill Garner]

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

[John Fuller]

And I'm turning to you, the listeners. This is a book I think you want to get, especially if you have kids in the house. But if you're a grandparent and you Want to drop a little pillow book on your adult children? You know, leave this one on their table or something. This might be good and it will be good and it's the right things to concentrate on and I think the outcomes will be terrific. So get ahold of us as we normally do. If you can make a gift of any amount, that would be great. We'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. If you make that donation monthly, that's how Gene and I support the ministry and John and Dina do that as well. It helps even out the budget for the year and allows us to do more ministry together. I love a phone call. Somebody had made a substantial gift to Focus. They had never donated before. And I called to talk to them and they said, well, Jim, here's what we expect. I expect you to run the ministry at Focus effectively and efficiently so my wife and I can do ministry through it. That's beautiful. And that's the way to see it. You know, I'm here. The management team guarantees to the best of our ability, we'll run it effectively, efficiently, God honoring, and you can do ministry through it. And I think that's how God sees it. So do that. Join us today and you'll get a great resource for your parenting.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Donate either a one time gift or if you can, a monthly pledge. As Jim noted, when you call 800, the letter A in the word family, where we've got all the details about how you can make a contribution, make a difference and receive Jill's book Strongheart. All those details are in the show notes. Well, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Jill Garner]

Your marriage can be redeemed even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years, no matter how how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a hope Restored Marriage Intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.