← Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
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- [00:01]
Focus on the Family Announcer
Your marriage can be healed. A Hope Restored Marriage Intensive from FOCUS on the Family can transform you and your spouse's relationship in just a few days.
- [00:12]
Marriage Intensive Participant
We'll go to this thing, but this is it. If this doesn't work, we're done. What we have now, it's way more than we ever had before and that I ever even dreamed of in the marriage.
- [00:23]
Focus on the Family Announcer
Discover more@hoperestored.com or that's hoperestored.com.
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John Fuller
Today on FOCUS on THE family, Amber, Leah and her son Ollie join us to talk about the healing that God can bring to teens who struggle with anxiety. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.
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Jim Daly
JOHN Teen anxiety rates have really risen
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over the last few years. I think with COVID it began to show. My own son Troy was a junior senior in high school. It was upside down. I mean, our little school district here in Colorado Springs, they weren't really prepared to do at home learning. They weren't the systems and all those things. So it was unusual. And I think for those young people, particularly during that Covid season, junior and seniors, freshmen, sophomores, it made a real impact on them. Social structures were changed. I remember they didn't do the prom one year and then the next year they put tape on a floor and allowed only 10 students in the taped area where you could go and co mingle was on the deck and guess what happened?
- [01:34]
Yes, everybody was on the deck.
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So I don't know what that six foot separation was, but I mean again, it was just odd and I think it had a lasting impact. And we're seeing as high as 50% of teens and early 20 somethings now that have depression or anxiety and it's the highest it's ever been. And you know, here at Focus, we want to help you as a parent. There's no magic dust that goes over this. Even Christian kids from Christian homes are going to be impacted by these exterior inputs. And we have to be savvy and smart as to how to address those needs. They're real again. We experienced it in the daily household. This is something to be taken seriously as a parent and we want to help equip you to do that better today.
- [02:27]
John Fuller
And our guests are Amber Leah and her son Ollie. And Amber's been here before. She' best selling author and speaker. She's got four sons and Ollie is the oldest of those boys. He has a ministry to other teens on social media. And we're going to be talking about a book that mom and son have written called you are 90 devotions to encourage Stressed and anxious teens. And you can learn more about our guests and get a copy of this book from our website. And the link is in the show notes.
- [02:56]
Jim Daly
This is great. I'm so thankful you're both here. Ollie, I really give you a lot of cred here for stepping in your senior in, and we really appreciate hearing your heart and hearing from you about what that has looked like for you and having anxiety and dealing with it. And, Amber, of course, you're so in tune. I so appreciate your parenting approaches. And you are a bestselling author, speaker, and all those things. That puts a little more pressure on you, doesn't it?
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Amber Leah
Yeah.
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Jim Daly
Nothing like having to be perfect, right? But, you know what's so true is we're just human as well. For those of us that have written books on things, we're often writing out of our own experience, our own pain and trying to process that to help other people. So that's the way I know you approach this. Ollie, let me start with you. And again, I just admire your courage. I love it. And in that context, when did you first kind of realize, I think I'm feeling anxious. I think I'm waking up every day. What did it look like? Paint the picture for parents that don't really understand what it looks like to you. How old were you, and what was the beginning of that journey?
- [04:04]
Ollie Leah
Yeah. Well, first of all, thank you guys for having us. I think my story kind of began going into my freshman year of high school. We were living in California, and then we moved across the country to Tennessee. It was a very big change. Very big culture.
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Jim Daly
As a freshman?
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Ollie Leah
Yeah. Oh, yeah. As a freshman. Yeah. So, you know, I remember taking my first steps, walking in the door. I knew one person, and that was my neighbor that literally I met that morning who drove me to school.
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Jim Daly
Wow.
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Ollie Leah
So it was very nice guy. It was very new. It was very new. And I remember walking into the class and was just very different for me. Lots of different people and places. And I just remember feeling a little out of my zone, Felt very uncomfortable. And honestly, I feel like that's kind of when my anxiety kind of started to kick in, because I felt like I was kind of outside. Felt like I was the new guy. And, you know, I felt like all the eyes were on me. And, you know, of course, that brought a little bit of stress and anxiety because I thought, you know, am I the only one? Which was definitely. It was an interesting chapter for me to kind of begin my high school life in. For sure.
- [05:00]
Jim Daly
You know, that's a Great opening point that parents can miss that when there's a big shift in life, whatever that might be, a big move or whatever, that can be a beginning point for something like that. How did it manifest for you? Describe for us inside your own heart and mind what those voices were saying to you.
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Ollie Leah
So, honestly, I think one of the main things that I struggled with walking into high school was finding friends, finding a good community, finding people that I could surround myself in to just text and be like, hey, you want to go grab some coffee? Or I want to go grab lunch. You know, I didn't have that. And I struggled because everybody kind of knew each other, you know, since they were born.
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Jim Daly
They were connected.
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Ollie Leah
And that was very different for me coming from California, you know, I was very, like, introducing myself to anybody that I could. And, you know, it would be nice. I'd be able to have a conversation or two and then just kind of felt distant again. It was just very weird. I just remember feeling just lonely. I just remember feeling, you know, kind of sad because I felt like a people watcher almost, because I could see people having relationships, having, you know, laughing and going and sitting with each other at lunch. I just. I didn't. I didn't know who to sit with. I didn't know those things. And I felt very lonely, very, you know, kind of out of what was going on in this place that I had found myself. And I feel like that's kind of
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Jim Daly
where it also kind of isolated. And this is just four years ago, right. This is like back when you're. You're still in that school. I would imagine I am still there.
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Ollie Leah
Yep.
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Jim Daly
So I, again, those are little trigger things that happen. Amber, as a parent, were you eyes wide open? Were you looking for that?
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Amber Leah
No.
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Jim Daly
And Ollie's your oldest. Okay. So this is really. You had a deck stacked against you. Right. You're the oldest child. Your freshman year, move across the country changed. I mean, I can't imagine all the things you were feeling.
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Amber Leah
Well, and I think as a family, we were excited. Right. Whether your child, you know, you still live in the same hometown you've always had, but you're going to a new school or there's just a new season, you're excited. We tend to focus on the positive. We don't imagine, you know, necessarily that things are going to be so hard for our kids and so forth. Oliver and even his younger brothers that were preteens and teens, we started to see with Ollie in particular, a bit of a shift in that he just wasn't his normal, perky self. Like, he's typically very outgoing. Joyful, joyful. You know, conversational. When he'd get home and he would start to just go up to his room, you know, and shut the door. He started to shut down little by little, and I thought, okay. You know, we also were homeschoolers. And then we shifted to going to school. Maybe just the pressures were, you know, getting to him a little bit. I didn't realize how it was affecting him. And he. I mean, you tried to mask it, I think, for a little while, too, until it got to a point where you couldn't.
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Jim Daly
Well, put the good foot forward.
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Amber Leah
Yes.
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Jim Daly
You know, I'm sure that wasn't deceptive. It was like, I'll try to play.
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Amber Leah
Right.
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Jim Daly
And you have that feeling, you know. Let me say it in my expression. I think I might be the dad that would go up to your room and pat you on the knee and say, you know, ollie, it's going to be okay. Tell me what. Not that your dad or mom did that, but how useless is.
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Ollie Leah
Genuinely. It helps my mama. She loves me. And I give her a lot of credit because I think without her, I probably wouldn't be in the place I'm in now. She really introduced the Lord to me in the place where I wasn't finding God. I would go up into my room. It became a thing where I'd get home from school and walk straight up to my room, shut the door, and wait until you see me, until dinner, which is not myself. I'm used to. I'm the oldest. I'm the big family guy. I walk in and ask him how my little brother's doing and everything.
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Jim Daly
You've got responsibility, right?
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Ollie Leah
Yeah, I've got responsibility. So. But, yeah, I mean, my mom, you know, she would come in and she would engage in conversations with me. And, you know, I do think that I was definitely distant and felt kind of short.
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Amber Leah
It was pretty hard, actually, at first. Like, explain a little bit about, like, just how you were so resistant, because I think that's what caught me off guard is how resistant he was at first when I would come up to me, trying to comfort him, trying to talk with him. So when I would go up there and try to talk to him, eventually he would open up to me, but not at first.
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Ollie Leah
Yeah, I think I tried to do things on my own.
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Jim Daly
I can handle it.
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Ollie Leah
Yeah, I tried to. I wasn't sure it was new, and so I was kind of like, let me just figure this out. This is just like a school Assignment. This is just some homework. I'm just feeling a little off. I can try and get this done. And I really, Because I did that, put myself in a far worse place than I really had to be in.
- [09:33]
Jim Daly
So the aim was noble, but the process didn't help you, is the point. And I think back to my question. The thing that we need to be mindful of as parents is. And, you know, I think Gene would have a fair criticism of me as my parenting style, that I'm kind of pick yourself up by your bootstraps and go. And that doesn't work in this spot. You've got to. As a parent, you gotta be there.
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Amber Leah
Yes.
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Jim Daly
You gotta move in. You can't be pushed away by that superficial kind of. I got this. You gotta keep processing and pressing into your child's heart. And I guess speak to me as a dad in that context of how to think of this differently.
- [10:15]
Amber Leah
Yes. Well, I think it was very important, you know, when we started to see, like, panic attacks begin, when we would start to see Ollie spiral into the darker places. Like, less of the just, I've got this, and more of the, there's clearly something wrong. And when you feel so helpless as a parent, you're not sure what to do. And even in those moments, we would come to Ollie and he would be like, no. You know, and he would be very resistant and push us away. He would even tell us that sometimes he just wanted to be in that dark place. Like, he. Even though he didn't want to be in that dark place, he wanted to be in that dark place. Yeah. And it was really difficult as a parent. And I think the key for us was to not give up. I was just committed that I wasn't gonna give up on him. You know, we sought counseling. We looked into medications, different supplements, you know, changing his diet, making sure he got good sleep, a lot of practical things, proactively, consistently, is what helped to eventually break down some of these barriers and help us work through some things. And so for a parent, even when your child pushes you away and resists you, they don't really want you to go away. They do need you there. And so to just not be personally offended by it. Like, at first, I would get indignant and be like, you can't talk to me like that. I'm trying to help you, you know, and then I realized quickly, whoa, that's not. That's not gonna help. Like, this is him feeling something that's not about me, and this isn't my child. That's Normally who he is, this is somebody different all of a sudden. And so to just continue to be patient with him and loving to him and to speak trut small doses, even if he rejected it in the moment.
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Jim Daly
Yeah. So the first thing we're hearing is, as parents, be aware of situational changes that can impact your child's emotional well being, just generally. And don't be flippant about it and engage it so that you can attack this together. Amber, let me ask you the practical steps that parents can take to help their children who are dealing with intense anxiety. What are some of those practical steps?
- [12:24]
Amber Leah
Well, Ollie and I are so thankful that we even have some amazing professional, you know, counselors that tapped into, you know, our lives. And we include some of that in our book together, too, because we needed those practical steps. And so, like, when Oliver would get into a really deep, dark place, a hole, you know, it was almost like he was just in this pit and nothing could bring him out of. Oftentimes was because of anticipating something that was about to happen. Like, even if it was a good thing, it was, like, too much for him to handle. Like playing baseball. He loved to play baseball. But now all of a sudden, the thought of going to a game or something would be so overwhelming and anxiety inducing that it took all the joy out of it. And so we would do some practices. Like, one practice we would do is we would just take a deep breath in the moment. And so Oliver learned. I think you even. You learned pretty quickly to do this when I wasn't around to do some box breathing.
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Ollie Leah
Box breathing.
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Jim Daly
Describe that.
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Amber Leah
Yeah, I'll describe it.
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Ollie Leah
Box breathing is. It's super simple. It's like the, you know, very norm. Like, this is how you can start to figure out how to start managing your breathing is it's, you know, you breathe in for four seconds. So you just. Then you hold it for four seconds, and you breathe out for four seconds, and you just wait for four seconds. And so you just kind of keep that cycle. And I like to think of it as a box, you know, and that's why we call it.
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Jim Daly
And it kind of regulates the feeling.
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Ollie Leah
It does. And I remember multiple times where I would be sitting in my bed. I just remember it. I just remember being a dark setting as well. I'd be sitting in my room. I would just genuinely be having this anxiety, this panic attack where I'd just kind of be freaking out. I remember being, like, crying. I remember being worked up, and I just remember my heart just beating and beating and, you know, My mom would come, she'd, you know, hold my hand and, you know, sometimes I'd, you know, take my hand back and pull away and I just remember these things. And she'd just say, ollie, just give me a second. Like, just give me a chance. Let's just try the box praying and say, no, this is stupid. Like, I don't want to do this. And she just, you know, kept on going after me, kept on pursuing me, me. Let's just try this. And so, you know, eventually I tried. I just did those breathing steps. My heart started slowing down. I was able to have a conversation. And that is when life change began to happen. Because that was when a space was created where I could open up to my mom. And it was because of those practical steps that I was able to really talk about what was going on in my life, what was going on at school and my sports team, how I was feeling, what was causing my anxiety. And that's when those conversations began.
- [14:47]
Amber Leah
And we learned also to along with the box breathing, because the cortisol, right, and the stress hormones and all that, the fight or flight mechanism that's chemically going on in his body in that moment, it allows us to just get back to reality for a minute instead of in that swirly place, that panic driven place. And we would do that breathing, we would just get back into our senses again. And then I would often say, okay, Ollie, I'm just gonna tell you two things I'm thankful for just from today. And I would encourage him to do that. And sometimes he would resist, but eventually we, you know, just by being persistent and consistent with him when we do the breathing, we'd be like, let's just shift from the fear of the future or the loneliness or the grief of whatever he may be processing from earlier today. But right now, there's still hope. We can still be grateful. And just trying to shift his focus to there is good in your life right now. I know it feels dark and scary and overwhelming, but we have to take those thoughts captive and to focus on things that we can praise the Lord for even today.
- [15:49]
Jim Daly
Yeah. You know, before we move off of this theme, there were kind of the senses grounding that you went through. Box breathing must have been one of them. What are the other senses orientation that helped you?
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Ollie Leah
Yeah, we had. It was. Do you want to share this one?
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Amber Leah
Sure. So one of the other key things that was helpful for us was telling Oliver, okay, in the moment, again, you're panicking, but let's try something called 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, which we learned from counselors, too, is that I would say to Ollie, okay, Ollie, what are five things that you can see right now? And just looking around them, and at first, your teenager, they again, might resist you. Like, don't allow their resistance to dictate what you do as a parent. You know, you get to lovingly keep pursuing them. And when he wouldn't do it, I would sometimes, even in the beginning, just say it. Okay, I can see, you know, the necklace around your neck. I can see, you know, the blanket here on the bed. And I can see, you know, the trees outside that are, you know, blowing in the wind. And so just five things that you can see. And then it would be like four things that you could feel, you know, feeling the shirt against your skin. Three things that, you know, you could smell, you know, two things that you could taste. Like, just going through the senses one by one and allowing that again to bring us back to the present moment and not be in such a place of panic and overwhelm, you know, going
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Jim Daly
through some of that counseling for our family, I mean, I think we underestimate the power of sense. And that's what they're connecting you with so you can get better connected with what's real.
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Amber Leah
It regulates your nervous system.
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Jim Daly
Again, I mean, these are simple things that they've learned to help reduce anxiety and depression. And it's really phenomenal. I mean, they had, like, patting a tabletop while you're doing a circle on your chest. It just triggers aspects of your brain that help soothe them.
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It's so interesting.
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Amber Leah
It is, and I think it helps to build empathy and compassion as a parent for your child, because you're realizing this is a really physiological thing and sometimes like a spiritual thing. We don't need to panic ourselves and think that there's something terribly wrong, that we're not going to be able to work through that we can work through this. And also to, again, not take this personally and start to feel guilt as
- [18:04]
Jim Daly
a parent, you know, let me ask this. We talked about, you know, the. In my case, the dad response. It'll be okay. You know, it sounds hollow to the person who is suffering from that anxiety or that depression. But, Amber, I want to ask you specifically and Ollie respond as the recipient of this. How do we as parents encourage our children to trust God? When the circumstances are that hard? It feels a little bit like it'll be okay. Because, again, that connection to the Lord can feel distant to the one who's dealing with anxiety.
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Amber Leah
I absolutely know and believe that the word of God is living and active. It is useful for life, for godliness, but it is powerful. In the moments, in our worst moments, it is the word of God that is going to ground me the most. And so as a woman who has, you know, faithfully clung to God's Word, I hunger for it. Like, I don't have a quiet time or my own devotional time because it feels like a real activity. Like I'm desperate for it. I need God that much in my life, and it is his Word that has helped me the most. And so, in particular, I found that as a mom, refocusing Ollie on the promises of God and his identity in Christ was the most helpful scriptural direction to give him. Which is why, you know, we called our book, you are seen. We wanted to put in place all of these different, you know, 15 different things that are affirming for teenagers about who they are in Christ and his promises to them. Because when Ollie was struggling the most, I wanted him to know that, you know, the joy of the Lord is your strength. You may feel weak right now, but there is joy in the Lord. Weeping will be through the night. Tonight. We are gonna cry some tears tonight. But, Ollie, God's word says, joy comes in the morning. The Lord tells you, cast your cares on him. That means you're gonna have cares. You're gonna have anxieties. Cast them on him. He cares for you. And really trying to speak through the darkness and to shine the light. You know, when the light is present, the darkness has to go.
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Jim Daly
How do we continue to work constructively as a parent so we're not damaging the relationship, and we're continuing to put. And I don't mean this negatively, but continuing to put the spiritual breadcrumbs out there in such a way that they can say, hmm, this tastes good, and they move to the next one. You know, you just can't be the bull in the china shop parent going, come on, straighten up. This is really. I don't know what to do with
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you, and it's freaking me out.
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Amber Leah
You have to lance the wound gently with the word of God as opposed to, like, coming in like a dagger, you know, to be really gentle spiritually with your child. I think that they know the tone is different when you can come to your child with empathy. It's all about the way I present it, right? With great compassion. Like, he knew that I wasn't trying to just be preachy at him and be like, you need to feel this way. It was more, hey, Ollie, I know this hurts. I know that you're feeling afraid, and if you're not, that's okay. But I just want you to know that I'm here for you, and the Lord is here for you, and just reminding them of those things in a gentle way.
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Jim Daly
Amber, let's end with mom speaking to moms and dads, but the mom's heart to say, okay, if you feel like you're in this spot, don't ignore it. Don't try to just talk it out. What are those things that I need to do that I'm concerned about? Because my son, my daughter, is not what they used to be in that emotional space. What do we do?
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Amber Leah
Well, first of all, you're not alone. As you said at the beginning, this is a really common thing that so many teens are struggling with. And as a parent, we often are caught off guard by it. We're surprised by it. We don't realize how dark and deep it's become for our teens. And so in general, I think it's important that we keep our kids in prayer. You know, that's like the foundation for me is I pray so fervently for my kids. And even in those moments when I had no idea what to do because nothing I was doing was. Was, quote unquote, working with Ollie, he'd be in his room crying, you know, or just isolating. I got to a point where I would even. And I wasn't really raised this way, but I was just like, lord, I would take, you know, cooking oil, and I would put it all around the door frame of Oliver's door, and I would just be on my knees outside his door when he would push me out. And I would just pray over him. And I would just take scriptures and I would just say, look, the angel of the Lord is a guard around my son. You know that, Lord, just. Just replace the dark thoughts with words of your truth, like, I cannot get through to him, but I know, Lord, that you can. And so really praying fervently for my child and recognizing that while I wanted the Lord to be Ollie's hope, he was also my hope as a mom. And I could rely on the Lord to give me wisdom and discernment and be consistent in persevering for your child. You know, be proactive in getting help. You know, do your homework. Reach out to focus for the resources that they offer and the counseling that they offer. Don't give up on your child, and please have hope. You know, Ollie and I, our testimony, hopefully, will be a great encouragement to you, it could take a long time. But don't give up on your child and don't give up on the Lord being a present helper.
- [23:31]
Jim Daly
I like that point of hope, because don't let shame and guilt be those core principles. Let hope be the principle and make sure as a parent that we're not reinforcing shame and guilt because, you know, we didn't get the child we hoped for. My goodness, is that so far?
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Amber Leah
And I have to say, too, that along with that, Jim, one of the main things that we dealt with a lot is the shame and guilt that Ollie would feel after some episodes he would have. Then it would be the shame and the guilt for how he spoke to us or how he treated us. And I've gotten to the habit of saying to him, ollie, you were forgiven from the start. You're already forgiven. And again, you don't need to feel that shame or guilt. And I think that's why, you know, Ollie started an Instagram called Walkin with Ollie just to speak to teens and peers so that they would be able to see. You don't need to hide and isolate about this. It's normal. Unfortunately, you're not alone. And so just remembering people that they're gonna. It's good to be vulnerable, and it's good to connect, but don't feel shame over it.
- [24:31]
Jim Daly
That's so good, Ollie. I'm impressed. I think, you know, you continue on your path, and then you can become president. You've got so many things going in your direction with the Lord. It's impressive. So well done. Way to go. Way to fight for life. You know, John 10:10 says, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And it's clever how he goes about doing that. It's to kill you emotionally.
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Amber Leah
That's right.
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Jim Daly
To kill you physically and to destroy who you are. Made in God's image. He hates that, that we're made in his image. And I'm proud of the way you have fought for life. And I mean, that big life, you know, life in Christ is what the end of that scripture says, to have life in Christ and life more abundantly. It seems like you are there. And. Yeah, I'm just. It's a privilege to meet you. Always good to see you, Amber. Thanks for being with us.
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Amber Leah
It's my pleasure.
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Jim Daly
Let me turn to the listener. If you or your teen is really struggling with anxiety or depression, we are here for you. Our counselors can help you take some initial steps to get back to a place of peace. So give us a call?
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Ollie Leah
Yeah.
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John Fuller
Set up a free consultation with one of our caring Christian counselors. When you call 800-232-645-9800 the letter A in the Word Family or you'll find details in the show notes and let's
- [25:54]
Jim Daly
get a copy of Amber and Ollie's devotional for anxious teens into your hands. This is a crucial resource because so many teens turn to smartphones or video games or worse, coping mechanisms to numb their anxiety, and you are seen lasting solutions by grounding them in spiritual truth. So if you're a parent of teens or a grandparent of teens, get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family. When you make a donation of any amount, we'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry.
- [26:25]
And you know, at Focus, we provide
- [26:27]
so many resources like podcast articles and counseling consultations completely free because we're a nonprofit ministry. And if you've benefited from some of those resources over the years, like today's show, I hope you'll make a financial gifts so that we can continue to offer that support to other parents, couples, foster children and many more.
- [26:48]
John Fuller
Donate today. Request your copy of ollie and Amber Leah's book when you call 800, the letter A and the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by the website. We've got the link in the show notes. Next time we'll hear from Joshua Becker, who has some advice for how to embrace a minimalist lifestyle.
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Joshua Becker
Until we started actually living that out and we got rid of 60 to 70% of our possessions, and when we did, I discovered, lo and behold, that Jesus knew exactly what he was talking about.
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John Fuller
Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
- [27:42]
Jim Daly
Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us, and it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture, and more while helping you share God's love with others. Listen@refocuswithjimdaily.com.