How to Speak the Love Language Your Spouse Needs Most (Part 2 of 2)

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "How to Speak the Love Language Your Spouse Needs Most (Part 2 of 2)"

Podcast: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Guests: Dr. Gary Chapman, Dr. Les & Leslie Parrott
Host(s): Jim Daly, John Fuller
Air Date: February 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives deeper into understanding and speaking your spouse's specific love language, drawing from the expertise of Dr. Gary Chapman (author of The Five Love Languages) and Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (relationship experts). The discussion focuses on moving beyond theoretical knowledge to practical, intentional love in marriage. The guests also explore how family backgrounds shape our "love tanks," the impact of God's love on marital relationships, and how to personalize acts of love through "dialects" of each language.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

From Theory to Practice: Acting on Love Languages

• Understanding vs. Doing ([03:09])

  • Dr. Chapman emphasizes that knowing your spouse’s love language isn’t enough; consistent action is required.
  • Quote: “We can understand it intellectually, but then doing it is sometimes a stumbling block.” – Jim Daly ([03:09])
  • Chapman advises prayer for Christian couples struggling to express a love language that doesn’t come naturally. Practice is vital, especially if a spouse’s primary language wasn’t modeled in one's family of origin.

• Practical Exercise Example ([04:34])

  • Chapman describes guiding a husband whose wife’s language is words of affirmation by writing three compliments and having him rehearse them daily until they no longer feel unnatural.

Overcoming Family of Origin Barriers

• The "Love Tank" Concept ([06:06])

  • Dr. Les Parrott and Gene discuss how upbringing influences a person’s capacity to receive and give love. Some "tanks" are big and stay full longer; others have "leaks" due to unmet needs in childhood.
  • Quote: “Some love tanks drain faster than others. Some hold more fuel…Some of us have love leaks. You can siphon our tank really fast.” – Gene ([06:06])

• Learning Foreign Love Languages ([07:13])

  • Les Parrott compares learning your spouse's love language to learning a foreign language—it can feel awkward, but intentionality and repetition build fluency.

Spiritual Foundation and Expectations

• God’s Love as Foundation ([08:07])
  • Jim Daly raises the importance of receiving love from God as a prerequisite to effectively loving one’s spouse.
  • Dr. Chapman responds, highlighting that while we cannot control or change our spouse, expressing their love language consistently is a powerful positive influence. ([09:02])

Human Nature and Marital Habits

• Why Do We Push Our Spouse's Buttons? ([10:00])

  • Les Parrott explains that sometimes negative behavior is automatic and rooted in personal agendas, requiring conscious effort to prioritize a spouse’s needs over our own.
  • Quote: “It takes a conscious effort to temporarily set aside my agenda, to recognize your needs. That’s when we speak that person’s love language.” – Les Parrott ([10:20])
  • Les stresses marriage is about progress, not perfection.

• Memorable Moment – The Vacuum Story ([11:46])

  • Les shares a vulnerable example of turning on a vacuum during an important conversation with Leslie, highlighting how even well-meaning actions can create "love leaks."
  • Quote: “I was so distracted by what I needed to do, I couldn’t really be present with her…Talk about a love leak. Her whole tank was just, like, completely empty.” – Les Parrott ([12:51])

• Repairing Damage

  • According to John Gottman’s research, it takes about five positive interactions to repair every negative one. ([13:15])

Quality Time: Dialects and Intentionality

• Defining Quality Time ([14:03])
  • Quality time is not just proximity, but “undistracted, full presence, no iPhone, no vacuum cleaner.” – Gene ([15:49])
  • Different personality types experience quality time differently—being scheduled/unscheduled or future/present-oriented can shape what “quality” feels like. ([16:12]-[17:26])
  • Example: Jim’s wife, Gene, prefers scheduled, present-oriented togetherness, while Jim likes spontaneity. Surprising her with a trip, for instance, would cause stress instead of joy. ([17:39])

Gifts: Going Beyond Materialism

• Gift “Dialects” ([18:42])
  • Dr. Chapman outlines types of gifts: fanciful (special/luxurious), functional (useful), sensible (practical but thoughtful), and sentimental (meaningful, memory-laden).
  • The importance is in matching the gift’s nature to the recipient’s preference, not expense.
  • Memorable Example: Chapman treasures a simple handwritten note from his wife more than any expensive gift—he carries it everywhere. ([20:08]-[21:15])
    • Quote: “This was a home run home hand-printed…Life with you is beyond belief. Have fun, bear fruit, enjoy in return. Stay warm.” – Gary Chapman (reading from his wife’s note) ([20:26])

Acts of Service: Four Dialects

• Breaking Down Acts of Service ([22:48])
  • Les Parrott lists dialects:
    • Saves Time (his favorite)
    • Alleviates Stress
    • Instills Security
    • Conveys Care
  • Example: Leslie carrying Les’s sweater was an act that both served him and built up the relationship. ([23:47])
  • Les stresses the importance of recognizing and appreciating when a spouse becomes fluent in your primary "service" dialect. ([23:18])

Key Takeaways & Closing Thoughts

• All experts stress progress over perfection—it’s about making steady improvements and recovering well from mistakes.
• Personalizing love involves understanding not only the language (words, acts, time, touch, gifts), but also the dialect—how your spouse receives that love best.
• Investing in learning and practicing your spouse’s love language (and its nuances) is an ongoing act of service and a spiritual discipline, not a one-off event.
• Repeated small acts of intentional love, customized to your spouse's needs, can fill a marriage’s “love tank” for the long haul.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Action Over Theory:
  “We can learn these (love languages). But it means we have to want to do it, choose to do it, and God will help us, because God wants us to love our spouse.”
  – Gary Chapman ([04:57])

• On Marital Influence:
  “We cannot change our spouse…but we can influence our spouse, and we do every single day.”
  – Gary Chapman ([09:02])

• On Presence and Progress:
  “This whole thing is not about perfectionism. It’s about progress.”
  – Les Parrott ([11:14])

• On Repairing “Love Leaks”:
  “When you do something so stupid… it takes five times the positive to get back to where you were.”
  – Les Parrott ([13:15])

• On Tangible Gifts:
  “I do love you. I shall pray for you. I am so blessed to live with you. I’m proud of you…Life with you is beyond belief. Have fun, bear fruit, enjoy in return. Stay warm.”
  – Gary Chapman (reading wife’s note) ([20:26])

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• [03:09] – From knowing to speaking the love language: advice and practical tips
• [05:53] – Family of origin and the “love tank”
• [09:02] – God’s love and the limits of changing a spouse
• [12:51] – Les’s vacuum story: distractions and love leaks
• [14:52] – Dialects within “quality time” and matching spouse’s needs
• [18:42] – Gift giving: dialects and meaningful tokens
• [20:08] – The handwritten note that became a priceless gift
• [22:48] – Four dialects within acts of service

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Tone, Style, and Closing

The conversation remains warm, humorous, self-reflective, and full of practical illustrations. The hosts and guests are transparent about their own marriages, making the content relatable and actionable. The central message is that true love in marriage is both an art and a practice—requiring humility, effort, and a willingness to personalize your approach so your spouse truly feels cherished.

For Further Growth: The book The Love Language That Matters Most and Focus on the Family’s free marriage assessment are recommended for hands-on application.

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Transcript

[Jim Daly]

Your marriage can be healed. A Hope Restored Marriage Intensive from Focus on the Family can transform you and your spouse's relationship in just a few days.

[Gene]

We'll go to this thing, but this is it. If this doesn't work, we're done. What we have now, it's way more than we ever had before and that I ever even dreamed of in the marriage.

[Jim Daly]

Discover [e-mail] that's hoperestored.com.

[Les Parrott]

I had a manuscript sitting on a table at a restaurant where I frequent in Seattle and it had that title real big. And the server came up and she said, oh, the love languages. What is the one that matters most? Is it words of affirmation? Because that's mine, right? Is that the one that matters most? Right. And I said, well, they're all important and they all matter, but the one that matters most is the love language of the person that's in front of.

[John Fuller]

That'S Dr. Les Parrott. And he and his wife Leslie join us today on FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly along with Dr. Gary Chapman as we talk about the love languages. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

[Jim Daly]

I so appreciate what these three marriage experts said last time about being intentional in speaking your spouse's love language and even getting into the dialects of their specific language. And we're going to dig into that more today. If you missed any part of that conversation last time, get our that's the best way to be connected to all the content, actually. And we know marriage can have its challenges. Believe me, Gene and I have our challenges from time to time. But let me just remind you that Focus on the Family is here for you. It's a privilege for us to be there and that's our mission. If you need to talk with someone, get in touch with us. You won't be embarrassed. We want to help you have the best relationship possible. And learning to speak your spouse's love language is a great way to refresh, sustain, and I would say build your thriving marriage.

[John Fuller]

And let me quickly introduce our guests. They've all been here with us a number of times before. Dr. Gary Chapman is a pastor, author, counselor, speaker, radio host. You probably know him best for his best selling series, the Five Love Languages. He and his wife Carolyn have two adult children. And Les and Leslie Parrott have been married for just over 40 years and they have two grown sons. Les is a clinical psychologist and Lesl is a marriage and family therapist. And they're relationship experts, bestselling authors, conference speakers, and they've teamed up with Dr. Chapman on a new book that really elaborates on his original concept, the love Language that Matters, how to personalize love so they really feel it. And that's the book we're talking about again today. Contact us to get your copy of the book. We've got the details in the show notes. And as we pick up Jim, we're going to listen as you talk with Dr. Chapman about going beyond just knowing about your spouse's love language.

[Jim Daly]

Gary, knowing your spouse's love language is a great start. And of course, reading the original book is a great idea or this new one, but real connection does take practice, and we can understand it intellectually, but then doing it is sometimes a stumbling block for people. How can couples move from knowing to actually speaking each other's language? I mean, what are those mechanisms?

[Gary Chapman]

Well, if they're Christians, I'd say pray first. Lord, you know, I'm married to this person, and I know they have the emotional need to feel loved, and I know their love language and their dialect. So help me, because this doesn't come natural to me.

[Jim Daly]

Do you say, God help me sometimes, maybe.

[Gary Chapman]

And God will help us. He will help us. But let's face it, if you didn't receive growing up the primary love language of your spouse and the dialect that they want dialect or dialects they want to receive it in, it's a learning curve. So a man said to me, he said, Dr. Chapman, her language is words of affirmation. And I know that. He said, but I don't know how to say that. I never received positive words growing up, and I don't know how to say it. I said, well, you can't erase your history, but you can start now learning. And I said, tell me three things your wife is good at. He said, well, she's a good cook, and she's a good school teacher, and she's a good mother. And I wrote three sentences out beside each one of those. I said, here's your homework. You go home, and twice a day this week, you get in a room by yourself and say these words, read these sentences out loud. You hear yourself saying these. And when you come back next week, I hope you can say them to me without looking at your list. You say, well, I'll try it. You have to start where you are. But we can learn these. But it means we have to want to do it, choose to do it, and God will help us, because God wants us to love our spouse.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Les and Leslie, that answer actually sparks something in my mind. We've had A number of guests that talk about family of origin issues, the Yerkoviches, the way we love, for example, that formative time really does shape so much of who we become. And it's rare that we get an opportunity unless there's a need, a deep need that you say, I need help figuring this out, and you go to counseling and they begin to put these pieces together. But in this area of love languages and the idea of family of origin and things you did or did not receive, can we overcome those things if they're so deeply rooted in us, that we haven't been loved in the right way, that we can overcome these things?

[Les Parrott]

Most definitely. And that's why. I think that's why the five love languages is such a success, because it is so tangible and it speaks to that person in such a unique way.

[Gene]

Yeah. Here's the thing. You know, we all have a story that shaped us. It is so helpful to think of that having shaped our own love tanks and the love tank of the person. You know, it's not a one size fits all. You know, it's like every different kind of car has its own tank and runs on its own fuel. And how our families loved us, how they failed us, you know, our own personality. That all goes into creating our love tank. And it's helpful to realize, oh, okay. Well, some love tanks drain faster than others. Some hold more fuel. You know, maybe if I grew up in a home. You described it earlier, Gary. You know, where I got all these love language. Love language is spoken to me. Then my tank is fueled up and doesn't drain as fast. But some of us have love leaks. You can siphon our tank really fast. And I think that's why recognizing, especially if you recognize. Wow. My spouse speaks what I would consider a foreign love language to me. Like, it is awkward learning a foreign language for most of us. Some of us are great at that. I'm terrible. I remember we were going to take a trip to France. France. And I, you know, ordered one of those kits, and I was convinced I.

[Jim Daly]

Would be, you know, fluent in four days.

[John Fuller]

Yeah.

[Gene]

It was the most embarrassing, ridiculous thing. It felt clunky. Whatever. Your love language is a foreign one for me. I had to treat it the same way in our marriage.

[Les Parrott]

Yeah, but it does. The family of origin has a lot to do with that. In fact, in this new book, we have a whole chapter on your love tank and how your family shape that. Some of us have big love tanks, some of us are pretty small with our love tanks, and they need frequent Fueling others can live on some, you know, spoken word of affirmation because that's our love language for a longer time than other people can. So that's a really important insight that you have, Jim. The love tank is homegrown in so many ways.

[Jim Daly]

Interesting. That's so interesting. What about the perspective of how you prioritize your own life? I mean, first it's the Lord. It's your relationship with the Lord. So many experts have been at this table talking about you don't have the capacity to change your spouse. You have to work on you. And often what happens in that setting is the Lord shows up and starts working on your spouse. But this idea of your love tank from God, you know, filling your love tank with the Lord's love and understanding that deep, unconditional love as best as we can, and then the love tank with our spouse. Gary, speak to those expectations. I'm just thinking of the man saying, you know what? I told her I loved her at the altar, and we love the Lord, and that's good enough, Right? That's an extreme, but it proves the point, right?

[Gary Chapman]

Yeah. You know, I think if we understand this concept and we communicate love, it is true we cannot change our spouse. That's true. But we can influence our spouse, and we do every single day. We either have a positive influence or we have a negative influence every single day. And the most powerful influence you can have on the positive side is to be communicating love to that person in their love language, in a dialect that's meaningful to them, that's filling up their love tank. That doesn't make them change, but it's a positive influence on them. They're far more likely to change if you're doing that on a consistent basis.

[Jim Daly]

So, Les, here's the question. You're all doctors. You're all in this every day. Why, as a human being, do I push purposefully Gene's hot buttons? I mean, where in my head is it rational for me to say, well, if I say this, boom, I get a spark. It's so stupid of me.

[Les Parrott]

Well, sometimes you do it. And she's told me you do this quite frequently.

[Jim Daly]

I'm speaking on behalf of John.

[Les Parrott]

Just teasing.

[Jim Daly]

This is true. I mean, it is such an odd thing in human behavior, in married couples.

[Les Parrott]

Well, here's one reason we're oblivious to it sometimes, because we all live with an agenda. You have an agenda about what you're going to do when you get upstairs to your office after this, or a group, you're going to speak to or whatever. We have an agenda about where we're going to go for lunch. We have all kinds of agendas. Right. And it takes a conscious effort to temporarily set aside my agenda. To recognize your needs. That's when we speak that person's love language. That's when we're able to really understand their heart and have presence with them. And by the way, this whole thing, this whole enterprise with what Gary has come up with, with the five love languages and this new concept, the love language that matters most and the dialects, that's truly revolutionary. This whole thing is not about perfectionism. It's about progress.

[Gary Chapman]

Right.

[Les Parrott]

It's not about being perfect. It's about making progress, persistence, and you will fail. You're going to say stupid things. Jim. Jim, look at me.

[Jim Daly]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Les Parrott]

But when you do, you can recover. I'll give you a really fresh example in our own marriage that happened within the last 48 hours, and it makes me look like an idiot.

[Gary Chapman]

Pause.

[Jim Daly]

Think about this. Are you sure you want to do this?

[Gary Chapman]

Keep moving. Go ahead. Next question.

[Jim Daly]

No, now you got me.

[Les Parrott]

So Leslie was in the middle of kind of just ramping up in a really meaningful conversation. Well, you were on the front end. What I knew was going to be a longer time.

[Jim Daly]

I think I know where this is.

[Les Parrott]

Going, and I don't think you do, because this was so stupid on my part, and it had to do with one of our boys and so forth, and she was, you know, kind of pouring out her heart on that and in the middle of her doing that. So I have this little obsession with this new vacuum cleaner that we got. And this vacuum cleaner has this light on it that shows you where the dirt is. You know what I'm saying?

[Jim Daly]

It's a smart vacuum cleaner.

[Les Parrott]

That's incredible. It's become my therapy.

[Gene]

Could we do a session on the Dyson vacuum cleaner?

[Les Parrott]

There you go.

[Gary Chapman]

We just did the ad.

[Jim Daly]

Everybody's gonna get one.

[Les Parrott]

I hope they send me one for free. But anyway, I don't know what. I had it in my hand, and in the middle of her talking, I just turned the thing on because I saw a hair loose on the floor. And I thought, I'll get that real.

[Jim Daly]

Fast because I feel so much better right now.

[Les Parrott]

I was so distracted by what I needed to do, I couldn't really be present with her. But I didn't say anything. I just did. Was just so. I mean, talk about a love leak. Her whole love tank was just, like, completely empty. And by the way, when you do something like that. Here's what we know from research from John Gottman. When you do something so stupid or you say something so stupid, it takes five times the positive to get back to where you were.

[Jim Daly]

Well, going back to the leaks in the tank, that's true. All those things are those leaks in the proverbial tank. So you have to now double quintuple. Your effort to fill that tank up.

[Les Parrott]

And getting that dialect dialed in is what matters.

[Gene]

But I love your insight that we do know how to nudge each other and touch those tender points. But I think if you spin that, we're pretty bright and we also know how to do the thing that makes them feel most deeply loved. It's that same intuitive understanding that we can just flip on its head and be brilliant at loving.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. You know, again, quality time. We get into that one as well. But quality time, is that being present? And how can couples cultivate that kind of intentionality around quality time? I think, Gene, again, an example there. She would feel quality time praying together, reading the word together, sitting together, too. But it's like the pressure of the gas hose. If we're talking about putting fuel in our tank, if we're doing those spiritual things together, it's like fully squeezed and that gas is pouring in the tank. For us sitting together, it might be halfway in terms of her receiving the benefit of that she's more into, let's develop relationship spiritually. So is that an insight? Is that a dialect? Is that knowing what fuel really fills their tank?

[Gary Chapman]

I think our relationship with God impacts everything. And I think the more we share our relationship with God in terms of praying together or reading the scriptures together or discussing a sermon together that we've just heard, it has a positive impact on speaking any of these languages. Because when we feel our hearts are beating together in our relationship with God, we're far more likely to really give attention to how to communicate love to each other.

[Jim Daly]

Absolutely. And maybe that's the question. Les or Leslie, in terms of the dialects of quality time, what are they?

[Gene]

Yeah. No, I love this one. This one's kind of fun because we all experience time differently and we even think of it as a resource differently. One of the qualifiers, and I've heard you say this time and time again, Gary, and it's so true, is quality time isn't just about. About being together. It's undistracted, full presence, no iPhone, no vacuum cleaner.

[Jim Daly]

This is revelatory.

[Les Parrott]

What about doing housework to get some points for that?

[Jim Daly]

There is no evil eye bigger than If Jean's talking to me and I bing. The phone goes. And I check it out and I look back at her and she's got that eye like, I just committed the bad sin.

[Gene]

And we've all committed that sin.

[Les Parrott]

You know what?

[Jim Daly]

She's right.

[Les Parrott]

Let me ask a question for us and everybody that's listening to us. Are you more scheduled or unscheduled?

[Jim Daly]

In what area of my life?

[Les Parrott]

Your whole just in general.

[Jim Daly]

Well, eight to five. I'm highly scheduled because of what I do here. Focus on the family. And then at home, I tend to be far less scheduled.

[John Fuller]

You're spontaneous.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. So I can operate in both worlds.

[Les Parrott]

And what about Gene?

[Jim Daly]

Highly scheduled.

[Les Parrott]

All the time.

[Jim Daly]

All the time.

[Gary Chapman]

Yeah.

[Les Parrott]

She likes to know what's going to happen.

[Jim Daly]

And three lists to every item.

[Les Parrott]

Okay, and then the second question is, are you more future oriented or more present oriented? Are you energized by the here and now or the there and then what's about to happen?

[Jim Daly]

Vanilla. What's your favorite ice cream? That's what that sounds like to me. I, you know, I think, again, I think in my role that helps shape some of your, you know, the demand of your vocation can shape some of these things, I think, for sure. So I think I've got to be thinking, how about Jean? Is she more, I would say present? She's more present. I tend to be more future.

[Les Parrott]

I think that's probably if she is present oriented and scheduled, that shapes her dialect for quality time. Is quality time an important thing to her?

[Jim Daly]

Very.

[Les Parrott]

Yeah. So what she will like is something that is paced, punctual. She wants to know, here's when it starts, here's how it's gonna go. And she can now relax in that.

[Jim Daly]

How about this insight? Never surprise me with a trip. That will not be my favorite thing.

[Les Parrott]

Right.

[Jim Daly]

Tell me ahead of time so I know how to pack.

[Les Parrott]

Whereas if you're unscheduled and future oriented, surprise me. Right. So you get the idea.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. And I tend to be the other. Throw some clothes in the bag, let's go.

[Les Parrott]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Gene]

Don't even tell me where we're headed.

[Gary Chapman]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

And this is such good stuff. And I appreciate, Jim, your vulnerability, because I. Yeah. I've worked closely with you. I think they got it. I think, Les, you. You nailed it in terms of the expectations, and that's. That's important.

[Les Parrott]

I mean, I'd like to be paid for that.

[Gary Chapman]

Well, we listened to you about the.

[John Fuller]

Vacuum, so it's kind of.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, yeah. I'll give you my Vacuum.

[John Fuller]

Can we talk about gifts? Because especially in some of my kids, I see gift giving and gift receiving, it's thoughtfulness. Apply this to the marriage relationship because there are nuances here that I have not really understood until starting to read some of this book. Gift giving isn't just a. Here's a gift. I was thinking of you.

[Gary Chapman]

I think this is really important that we understand the kind of gifts that's important to them. Like fanciful gifts is one of the dialects. And this can be fancy things, it can be jewelry, it can be a amazing flower arrangement that just blows her away. So that's one of the dialects within this. Another one, of course, is functional gifts like vacuum cleaners.

[Jim Daly]

You're getting one every year. We know your love language, so that's functional.

[Gary Chapman]

Yeah. So if you. But if you're giving them a functional gift, then their dialect is fanciful gifts. And they don't have to be expensive fanciful gifts, you know, then you're not hitting them where they really need to be hit in terms of receiving it. And then there are sensible gifts, things that you've talked about that you know, you really know that they would like to have because they've talked about that, you know, and sentimental gifts, things that remind you of. Remember that time when we were here and all that kind of, you know.

[Jim Daly]

So often we're thinking expense, you know, you might be newly married. People are listening and they're going, wow, we can't afford to do some of this. I can't afford a blender, even though my wife would love a blender. But Gary, you said in the book, one of the most precious gifts you received from Carolyn, your wife, was what.

[Gary Chapman]

It was a little piece of paper that I actually have with me today.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Gary Chapman]

You carry it with me everywhere I go. And now my language is words of affirmation. So this is a gift of words. This was a home run home hand printed.

[Les Parrott]

Look at this.

[Gary Chapman]

My sweet Gary, I do love you. I shall pray for you. I am so blessed to live with you. I'm proud of you. Parenthesis. Thankful. Excited, Biblical. Proud, grateful. Life with you is beyond belief. Have fun, bear fruit, enjoy in return. Stay warm.

[Jim Daly]

I love it. I love your tank expression more than anything. It's overflowing here, but that's beautiful. And that's the point. Yeah, she hit it, she knows it and she really fed you.

[Les Parrott]

But that's a great example of how these, these love languages sometimes blend into each other, because words of affirmation. But it was a tangible gift. It's Something you're carrying. How many years ago did she write that?

[Gary Chapman]

Oh, I don't know. The date's not on it, but it's been a long time ago. But I still carry it with me everywhere I go.

[Les Parrott]

It's still in his leather notebook there. And that's the value of this love language, that it is a tangible representation. And whether it's sensible or whether it's fanciful or functional, the point is that it represents that you love me. And I can see this.

[Gene]

It's a visible symbol of your love for me.

[Les Parrott]

That's right.

[Jim Daly]

So when you're on that airplane with a five hour delay, you pull that out and read it from time to time.

[Gary Chapman]

I do, yeah.

[Jim Daly]

I believe you would. Because it would lower my blood pressure. Right. Sitting on the tarmac for five hours. Acts of Service. This is one that, for me, trips me up because I, you know, again, it's functional. Acts of Service probably is not my first, second, third, fourth love language. It may be the fifth.

[Les Parrott]

It seems like you're looking down on those of us that have this as a primary.

[Jim Daly]

I'm even expressing that. I'm so sorry, but it's like, that's life. Do good things to other people and do them now.

[Gary Chapman]

I love.

[Les Parrott]

We put it in the, in the new book, the Love Language that Matters Most, we wrote this story of Seth Meyers, the comedian who, he says, I don't know who this guy is that came up with the five love languages.

[Gary Chapman]

But it had to.

[Les Parrott]

His love language had to be acts of service. Because my wife's love language is acts of service. And I come home and I want quality time and say, do you want to take a walk? And she'll say, yeah, after you clean the gutters.

[Jim Daly]

That's my point exactly.

[Gary Chapman]

Really?

[Jim Daly]

Acts of service give me the dialects.

[Les Parrott]

Well, there's, there's four of them. And I, I really appreciate all these because this is my number one.

[Jim Daly]

Oh, excellent. I'm actually talking to somebody with acts of service. I've never met one like you.

[Les Parrott]

That's why I felt insulted that you were looking down.

[Jim Daly]

It's my gift.

[Les Parrott]

Well, I'm going to list them off and then we can come back to some. But saves time. That happens to be my primary dialect. When she can do something that saves me a little bit of time.

[Jim Daly]

Hold on, is that hard for you to do?

[Gene]

Oh, that, that was. This is my foreign level.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, good. I'm just affirming that because that would.

[Les Parrott]

Be difficult, but I gotta tell you, she has mastered it. She is fluent in this, I mean, like, nobody's business. She has grabbed onto this idea of how can I help Less safe. Sometimes if I have something and I have to go wait in the line to, I don't know, drop off a package or whatever, she knows that is gonna take care of it. And sometimes our friends almost are like, why is she doing that all for you? I said, that's her. That's my love language. And then they suddenly go, oh, okay, all right. Yeah, but.

[Gene]

Right, yeah, yeah. You're specifically talking about a warm day on a trip we were sharing in Washington, D.C. and he took off a layer. And without thinking about it, I just carried his extra layer around. And people were feeling oppressed by all that. And I said, what do you.

[Les Parrott]

They were like, why are you making her carry?

[Gene]

Like, I'm getting so many points today. You don't understand. This is my moment.

[Jim Daly]

I would have been saying that, why is Leslie carrying Les sweater?

[Les Parrott]

I'm going. I am going to go home and listen to her while I vacuum.

[Jim Daly]

That's all I'm talking about right now.

[Les Parrott]

But saves time, alleviates stress, instills security, and then conveys care. Some acts of service convey care, and.

[Gene]

These are all nuances. Instill security. That's a little mysterious, but that's where you really lean in. Like, acts of service are your thing, so, you know, you can depend on your spouse. They're going to do the thing they promised to do, and you're not going to have to worry. You're going to, you know, they promise to pick up the dry cleaning and it'll be done.

[Jim Daly]

Well, Gary, Les and Leslie, this has been so much fun and very in depth and conversational. Taking a look at the love languages and this deeper view into how to dial in your spouse's love language and fill his or her tank. This is terrific. I mean, these are kind of the practical tools that we need. So thank you for being with us today.

[Les Parrott]

So good to be with you as always.

[Jim Daly]

And let me turn to the listener here at Focus on the Family. We're standing for your marriage, trying to help you build the strongest, healthiest marriage possible. And we have so many great tools to help you get started. One of them is our free online assessment. And that's a quick, easy way to just see what you're doing well and what you need to perhaps work on a little bit that old encouragement to try harder. Another great resource is the book we've talked about today by Gary, Les and Leslie, the Love Language that Matters Most, how to Personalize Love so they really feel it. It's a powerful way to learn how to love your spouse most deeply. And here's some good news. When you support the work of Focus on the Family with a gift of any amount, we'll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. We heard from a recent contributor to Focus, and here's what Margo said. I just want to take a moment to say thank you. We appreciate that your programs have truly strengthened my marriage and helped me and my husband connect in ways we hadn't before. The insights, encouragement and practical advice you share have made a real difference in our daily life together. We're so grateful for the work you do and the support you provide to couples like us. And I think it's really important since the three of you are representing all the great authors and content people. Thank you for that assist. I mean, you are coming and talking about your heart and what the Lord's laying on it and what you've poured your labor into and bringing that to the table as well. So she's saying that to all of us. So thank you.

[Les Parrott]

Thanks, Jim.

[Gary Chapman]

Thank you.

[John Fuller]

And you can donate and be a part of this great effort to support marriages and to help families by making a contribution today. And we'll send that book, the Love Language that Matters Most, to you. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family 800-232-6459 or online. You can donate, take our free marriage assessment and get this terrific book. And the details are in the show Notes. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Jim Daly]

Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide God has decided, and it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture, and more, while helping you share God's love with others. [e-mail].